132: Tough Adjustments..
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The Morning Show is nominated for 16 Emmys, including Best Drama Series. What you are asking is unprecedented. I am unprecedented. Reese Witherspoon, outstanding lead actress. Did you ever tell anybody?

And Jennifer Aniston, outstanding lead actress. Let all the secrets come out. Billy Crudup, outstanding supporting actor. This is a show. For your consideration, The Morning Show, now streaming on Apple TV+. Hi. Hi. Welcome back to another episode of Two Hot Takes. I'm your host, Morgan. And I'm Ale.

Enjoy the episode, guys. We just got done recording because we forgot. But it was a good one. It was good. It's one of my favorite. Yeah. You'll like that. These are good stories. These are good stories. Yeah. Great theme. Uh-huh. Okay. Getting into it. Here we go. Here we go. Are you ready? Yeah. I'm like, yeah. I know. What did you say right before this? You go, I need to find a personality somewhere. I said, I gotta find a personality real quick. I...

I have endometriosis. So when it's that time of the month, it's really painful. And we are in that time of the month. Shark week, baby. Yeah. I'm just going to be very open and honest about that. So please be nice to me because I'm literally in pain today just to be here. I'm on drugs, medicine. That sounded really bad. Prescribed Tylenol. I'm on over-the-counter painkillers to sit here. And I just had my feet up on the wall.

You were going through it. You were hobbling in. It was like definition of like, and we're live. And I'm like, okay. And welcome to News at Six. Two seconds ago, I was literally like... But that's kind of the reality with like a lot of us out there and like life. Like the show must go on. That part. That is...

When this happens to me, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate, if you've had really painful menstrual periods or endometriosis or cysts, when you go through this and it's like every month...

you are reminded of like how strong you can be yeah and I remember I was this happened to me really badly a couple years ago and I was on a call for work and I didn't want to call out of work because I was embarrassed because it's like you know it's TMI and I had to keep muting myself to like cry and then I would unmute to like chime in on the call and I was in that moment I'm like why do we do this like you know it's just so painful like why don't we just I don't know I feel like

This needs to be recognized more. Like, I've seen things about being like, oh, women should have certain time off for like that time of the month. And like, I know now, like in our world, it's more than just women who can menstruate. But like, that's typically what I was hearing before is like, women should be getting this time off or like, whatever, like almost like sick time. Yeah, absolutely.

Because it's so debilitating. It's so painful. You just saw me two minutes ago. I'm like, I can't do anything when I'm in this state. I saw one of those period pain simulators where they put it on guys. It's basically a TENS unit. So if you have a TENS unit at home and you want to simulate this with your partner, you put it on your lower abdomen and you crank up the TENS unit and it simulates the muscle cramps and period cramps.

And a lot of the guys could not even get to a point where their partner did. Like the wife would do it first and she'd be like, yeah, 10, 10 out of 10. Like, no, this isn't bad. My periods are worse than this. What? And a guy would get on that same tens unit, he'd get to like five and he'd be like, no, take it off.

Yeah. It's no joke. And like, if you have endometriosis or anything like that, it's even, you have even more pain. Yeah. I remember when I had, when I found out they were like, you're experiencing close to what labor pain feels like, labor contractions. And I was like,

This will take you out. Like, you can't do anything. You can be the strongest person with the highest pain tolerance. It's like a different type of pain that you can't even control. It's a very serious thing. So we're going to take it easy on you today. We're going to focus on these people and their very tough adjustments. Nice. Some of them...

have been faced with some tragedy. Some are faced with uncomfortable situations that it's just like, hey, do you carry on business as usual? Show must go on. Or do you make an adjustment? You know, it's a tough little gig they're faced with. But we're going to see some stuff today. Okay.

I'm going to feel some things. All of us. Visceral reactions. Good, good, good, good. It'll maybe distract you from the cramps. Dude, I hope. I hope. Okay. Okay. Let's dive in. Let's do it. Okay. As a fitness girly yourself, you go to the gym. Who? Me? You work out. You do Pilates. You have a trainer now.

This girl? You are like the most fitness person I know. Like you are fitness. When I think of fitness, I think Alejandra. Whoa. Yeah. Thank you. I really do. Meanwhile, every day I'm just at home eating some snacks. Maybe I should go. Nope. Never did. I bought a stair stepper for my little house for a desk. Hasn't been...

been out of the box yet. It's been three months. Take it out. Tomorrow. It's so easy. Tomorrow, maybe. And you also keep saying you're going to take Pilates with me. I know. I got to get back into it. I'm saying it on here so that the people will encourage you. I love Pilates. It's just like really scary to get over the hump. I know. I haven't been in a while. I know. And I even said I'll come take DR with you. Okay. That'll be good. Yeah. Okay. So for this first one, this is coming from Relationship Advice from Emergency Zombie.

It is titled, My 38-Female Husband, 43-Male, Refuses to Give Up His Gym Girlfriend or Even Talk About the Issue. Okay.

On Father's Day, I noticed my husband texting and smiling with someone, ignoring or not seeing me when I invited him to the table for breakfast. I got closer so he could notice me and saw he was texting an unknown woman. We've been married for four years and have a preschooler and a one-year-old.

I didn't bring it up besides asking, who is that? Since my mom was in town visiting. When I mentioned it later, I said that I didn't know making friends of the opposite sex and not saying anything was okay for us. He didn't volunteer anything, but when pressed further, mentioned that he'd been working out with her, which I know is three to four days a week, for two to three hours before work most mornings.

He ended up admitting he didn't tell me about her because he knew I'd be mad. Moreover, that he'll be working out with whoever he wants. Fast forward several one-sided, vulnerable conversations, and two months after a lot of feeling sick to my stomach and sleepless nights, I finally laid it out.

I didn't give him an ultimatum. I simply told him I can't sleep, that I feel heartbroken and constantly concerned, that if I was doing the same, he'd feel awful. And crickets. I asked how long it was going to last and was met with, quote, there's no sign-up sheet in the gym.

I told him I can't imagine continuing our relationship feeling like this and needed to know in words how he felt. He reported feeling the same, that I'm his wife and he loves me. My boundary is unacknowledged and so far unenforced. It's not that I think he'd put his dick in her yet. It's that he won't budge or say anything knowing I'm hurting.

I feel like I'm getting more heartbroken daily. The impulse to check his phone is hard to resist at times. I don't want to leave, but I need more than this lack of response from him. At no point have I asked him to stop going to the gym or working out with her. I told him I wouldn't ask that, that he's free to do what he likes, but that he should think of something he's comfortable with to address the issue and rebuild trust."

I suggested having her over for dinner. You can guess how that went. He said nothing. Is that the end? That's the end of the original post. We do have some updates, but that is what she started with. Where do I start? There's a lot of issues here. You leave him. It's just like really sad that like, I just don't get why he thinks he can walk all over her.

This is your wife, mother of your children, your partner, and she has told you that she's feeling heartbroken, can't sleep, and you're continuing to put her in agony for a friend at the gym? No, it's a girlfriend. Didn't they call it a girlfriend? Girl... Space friend. Yeah. Okay, a friend who's a girl. He's working out with her three to four times a week.

two to three hours before work most mornings. First of all, as you said, I like to work out. You know fitness. I know fitness. What are you doing for two to three hours in the gym? I could fuck around for a while and still it wouldn't be three hours in the gym. That's a long time. Unless they're doing like

cardio wink wink like I don't know what the hell running 18 miles on a treadmill like what are you doing together no no no like a different type of cardio yeah no I got you okay I was like no they're not like running half marathons like not like Morgan they're they're fucking which I mean it happens two to three hours yeah what it's crazy the only time I've known someone to work out that long is

like my college roommate who was training for a marathon and would run 18 miles on a treadmill. Even if you're training for a marathon, you can't do that two to three hours every day. No, that was like one run a week. That's like one run a week. Yeah. Then that makes... I had one long run a week, but like... Yeah. You'll literally... You're going to burn out. Yeah. You'll injure yourself. That is not sustainable. No. I don't believe that they're working out two to three hours a day. I mean, weightlifting, if you're like...

doing multiple machines, three sets a machine, taking space in between, drinking your little blender ball protein shake at the gym with your creatine. You could be twiddling your thumbs there and spacing it out, but that's not efficient. You're doing that to spend time there purposefully. That's right. That's right. It's more than a workout now. It's like a workout and a hangout.

And again, this is my opinion here. Like, I do believe that you should be able to have friends of the opposite sex. So like, if you're a woman, you should be able to have male friends. That's my opinion. I know some people don't share that. I'm in the same boat. Yeah. I think it's healthy personally. And I'd encourage it for myself. I'd encourage it for my friends. I'd encourage it for my potential partner. But I don't.

That said, I still don't think it makes it okay. I still think there are certain boundaries of appropriateness. Absolutely. And to be spending that much time, like arguably it sounds like he's almost spending more time with this woman than he has his own family and his wife. Because I'm assuming he goes to work, spends how many hours at work, comes home, probably tired. How much time is he really spending with his family? Yeah. Probably very checked out by the time he gets home. Yeah. And the fact that the wife has expressed that this is deeply hurtful, like,

And he hasn't even so much as given that a single thought or made any type of adjustment. I mean, that's your answer right there. He just doesn't care. He doesn't care about your feelings. No. He does not respect you. And he would rather maintain his friendship with this other woman than care about your feelings. A hundred percent. And at that point, your relationship is, unless he's willing to make a change, which he hasn't offered,

In the initial conversation or the one that followed two months later. Yeah. I don't think he cares. No. And let's just say, I mean, on its face, it does smell a little fishy. And I feel like there could potentially be something more than just a gym friendship happening. Like all jokes aside, I do think that this could be potentially some type of

Cheating. I don't know. That's just how it comes to me. It comes across that way. Just given the limited information that I have. But let's just pretend that he's not like it's genuinely just a gym based situation, like a gym friendship. Work wife almost. Yes. But gym wife. Perfect. Let's just say that it's that.

This is still inappropriate because the wife has expressed that it's hurtful and she's not comfortable with it and he has not cared. So it's showing a blatant disregard for her feelings towards the situation.

Well, that 100% and kind of like to piggyback, she was really nice and said, invite her over for dinner. Yeah. If this was an innocent relationship, there would be no issue with that. 100%. Like there would, it would be like, yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. I'd love for you to get to know her and for you to be more comfortable with me working out with her. Yes. She's a great

Partner at the gym. I don't fucking know whatever. One thousand percent. Like one thousand percent. I have a personal trainer who's a guy and he's like an attractive fit guy. Super nice. Like the best. Right. And if I had a boyfriend, which I don't at the moment, but if I did and he was like, hey, you're literally training with this guy three times a week for a couple hours. You always have all these inside jokes with him. You guys are always posting each other on your Instagrams, like tagging each other, sending each other memes like that.

invite him over for lunch or like let's all go on a hike together just like I don't know I just want to get to know him or something yeah I'd be like all right he's just my trainer but literally no problem at all like I would have zero I'd be like great I would love for you to meet him he's dope like you'll feel so much more comfortable when you meet him yeah and so it's like the fact to your point is that that the husband didn't see that as an opportunity to be like oh yeah like sure that's fishy yeah

I think especially fishy when he's texting on Father's Day, smiling, ignoring OP, not seeing her when she invited him to the table for breakfast on Father's Day.

I think it's one thing like, let's say you have this relationship with your trainer or a gym friend and you are, you do become friends. You do talk outside, but it's not this like hidden secret. It's not this flirty smiling at your phone. No. And I don't think it's like, I don't think it's necessarily crossing a boundary to like invite them over. Like, is it insecure? Yeah.

I don't think so when you have grounds that your partner has made you feel the need to be insecure. Like, if you, out of the blue, were, like, asking, hey, invite that friend over. You've been texting them a lot. Like, it might cross a boundary at a certain point, but, like, she truly is just trying to see where this is, like,

She's trying to get some comfort. Yeah. She's just trying to get heartbroken. Yeah. I think, I mean, to me, that's being a bigger person than I think I would be. I wouldn't care to even meet her anymore. I'd be like, I'm already like a little resentful towards the situation. Like maybe in time I want to meet her, but first I need to ask that you like scale back the relationship that you have. Like if you're just training together in the gym, like,

Why is it so excessive and frequent? Why are you texting, smiling, anticipating a text? That's... He's giving her reasons to be... Yes. On edge. Totally. I don't sit around by the phone waiting for my trainer to text me and like, yeah, we laugh. We share some memes sometimes. But like the way I would any of my guy friends. Almost like it's not... It's still friendship. I don't want to... Like the first word that comes to my mind is like almost like it's professional. Like almost like a colleague and work friends. Like there's that certain level of like, yeah, we're friends, but...

We're not encroaching. We're not crossing boundaries. This feels like it's lost that cadence. Like it's encroached on being too personal. Well, I think, yeah, I think it's leaving the gym and it's seeping into his personal home life. And that's the boundary that's been crossed. You can have a gym friend, but the moment that you're spending more, like this time and this energy crossing,

Like anyone knows if you sit around waiting for the by the phone, it's like you have a crush on that person. Yeah. As much as I love my friends, like I love you and I love all my friends. I don't sit around waiting by the phone for you guys. No. Like love you. I'll just FaceTime you or whatever. Yeah. Talk to you. But like, you know that you do that when you have a crush, like you're single and you have these guys you're talking to and you're like excited about them. Yeah. That's when you're like waiting for the notification. Yeah.

Yeah. The top comment on this one is if you tell your partner that something hurts you and they keep doing it, it's no longer unintentional. Full stop, period. Regardless of what after that. I completely agree. Yeah. Next comment. Opie, sorry that your husband is such a fool. You have a right to feel the way you do. He is taking advantage of your marriage and especially you.

His response to your feelings is not the way a loving husband would react. He says he loves you, but his actions say something else. Plus, he answered the text right in front of you on Father's Day with your mom there. How disrespectful of him. You deserve better. Good luck.

Someone comments down, my wife does twice weekly exercise and I couldn't give a crap how often or that some are the opposite sex. Why the fuck is there a need to get their number and text them outside of this? And I think that's where it crossed the boundary. And I get there probably is a lot of people out there where it's like, yeah, my boyfriend has a girlfriend that makes me feel insecure, makes me feel whatever.

initially, especially as you're getting to know someone, I do think it's fair to ask questions like, hey, I'm getting kind of a vibe from your girlfriend, so-and-so. Have you guys hooked up in the past? Is there anything there? Because you should have all the info. You shouldn't feel like you're in the dark or missing something or have a reason to be insecure. But if you address it,

Things don't get better. You still are having this person, you know, make you feel insecure, make you feel like something's going on. Your partner isn't respecting you. Then you need to control the only thing you can. Yourself. Totally. And your boundaries. And it might be a tough adjustment. Yeah. I mean, this is something where I...

personally wouldn't be okay with it. And it sounds like OP isn't either. She's expressed her sadness and disappointment over it. And if her husband is to that comment, like a freaking fool and can't see that she's being really reasonable by trying to invite her over, get to know her, get comfortable with it so that she can support this gym friendship, then he's an idiot. And you might have to... I know we joke...

like I the first thing I said was leave him and it's like okay they have two small kids together it's not that easy I get it I'm not downplaying that but at the same time like if your husband can swipe or like sweep your feelings so easily under the rug and disregard and not care and he's not hurt by the fact that you are literally losing sleep over this for two months you need to ask yourself is this your partner or is this someone who's walking all over you

Update. When he left for work this morning, a day later, I told him to think about what I said throughout the week. I appreciate all the support, including the comments that bring up that I may be jealous or have let my body go, or especially that I have been too permissive as a wife. I'm completely open to criticism in my personal arena. What does her body have to do with any of this? People must have been questioning, like, did you let yourself go? Why? That's irrelevant. Okay.

Okay, nowhere in this prompt, unless there's an update that gets to this, did I see anything about him having tried to get his wife to be active with him or him trying to engage her in a way where they could have a gym relationship and she refused or didn't want to. So he was like, quote unquote, left with no choice but had to go find somebody else to be his gym bae, whatever. I never got that sense unless I'm missing something.

So why would her body or fitness level or fitness interest have absolutely anything to do with this? I don't know. I don't see anything. I don't see comments mentioning her body near the top. I'm searching the word, but I'm not seeing it. To me, that's like...

It's irrelevant. And if that were the case, that's kind of all the more reason like, well, why is... Okay, is he not attracted to me anymore? And then that's why he's seeking out this gym friend. Right. Like, but it doesn't matter. Like, he's still... The bottom line is he's disrespecting her feelings and making her feel bad repeatedly. Yeah. And to me, it has nothing to do with that. Like, I...

I just... I think that's like a... That's not even relevant to this equation. It's regardless. It's not relevant to the fact that he's still disrespecting something that she's uncomfortable with. She doesn't have to be there in the gym with him. She doesn't have to be on the same fitness level as him. It doesn't make it okay. And like...

Some people are okay with that. Like you'll see relationships where one person's like really into the gym and into fitness and the other person's not and that it works. So for some people, it's not. For me, it's not. Like I need my partner to also be really enthusiastic about fitness and be really into that and prioritize it. It's literally like on my list of non-negotiables. And that's something that I've intentionally put out there. So when I go into the next relationship,

That's something I need to suss out. But I wouldn't marry somebody. And then it's okay. Interests change. So maybe he got into fitness at some point in their marriage that he wasn't at the beginning. That's okay. But it's like then communicate that. Be like, hey, I'm really into fitness and I would love it if you would like try this with me. Yeah. But it doesn't seem like an invitation was even extended. No.

Update two. He came home Monday night in a mood, refusing to eat dinner and arguing over unrelated issues and eventually saying angrily, quote, just so you know, we're no longer working out because of you.

Okay. But I had phone records and screenshots of their conversations indicating many, as in a majority of deleted texts. I will never know what they said, and I frankly don't even care. Turns out he texted her, showing her this post, and she...

a sweetheart and a stranger, was the one who had the consideration to not work out anymore. By the way, not ever what I wanted. I wanted to know why on earth he's hiding a friend and deleting texts. I want to know why I'm not worth comforting or at the very least the truth or a conversation on why he feels distant enough to lie.

He stonewalled, shut me down, gave me the silent treatment all night and all day Tuesday. When he arrived home, hi, I asked him if he wanted to talk or walk. As in, we're going to counseling and you're making the appointment or I'm following through on one of my five divorce lawyer consults I had by phone on Monday. Woo. Damn.

In the end, I asked to see his text where I found out the above, that he doesn't have the balls to tell her himself what was going on, just the cruelty to let me suffer another day having read my post and to show my heart to a fucking stranger and act like it was my fault. Had he at any point opened up about why he was hiding her? Had he not deleted texts after saying he wanted to rebuild trust? Had he given me any information or compassion? This would be very different.

He didn't want to hand over the phone for me to check for more deleted texts one last time. And I mean the last time, because I'm not losing any more sleep over this. I had to call his mom to tell her to get his room ready before he handed it over.

He says he loves me and wants to stay, that he didn't want to hurt me. He's asking if I still love him. He knows I do. I told him to take a hard look at whether or not he loves me. In light of the many other ways he's showed me I'm worthless to him. I told him he was the most selfish person I've ever met. What a stupid and cowardly way to throw me away. FYI, one, he is bodybuilding and commuting 40 minutes to get to this gym by work—

30 miles away. Two, he leaves at four in the morning to go to this gym, so confrontation is not a possibility. I can't get childcare at that time. Three, so many of you are absolutely right. The lack of response to me is the problem.

independent of this other woman. Four, I don't have family to run to besides his mom. Last time I tried to get some space after a verbally abusive episode, he gaslit me and made false claims that I have postpartum, have mental health struggles, and threatened to call the cops saying I was kidnapping my children if I left to a known place with his mother.

So he sounds unhinged. It's time to go. Yeah, this is like... These updates coming out? Done. All the more reason to be done. All the more reason. He sounds like he's a loose cannon ready to explode. He sounds manipulative. He sounds irresponsible. Yeah. Selfish. Also, like for him to throw in her face like, oh, we're not working out anymore because of you. Yeah, exactly. Narcissist. You chose to show her the post, dude. Yeah.

And she chose to take that post and say, you know what? I don't think we should work out anymore. Did she not know he was married? Did she not know anything? Like, yeah. Or she just ring off at the gym. Like, what was her? I want I would love to hear this other woman's side. Yeah.

I would think she knew he was married because otherwise, why would he send her the post-explosives he's married? That is true. I think she might have known. I think he just was like, oh, she's so cool with it. Or like, she doesn't care. Or just never came up. I don't know. I'm sure he downplayed it. Or he made her sound like a psycho. Yeah.

and like a typical narcissist painted her in a bad light, sent her the Reddit post, maybe with the intention of being like, look at this loser. Like, you know, and then she was like, as a woman, what the actual hell? Like, I can look at this from the lens of a wife and then was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. I don't care what you've told me about her. Like, this is all so legitimate and she's clearly so hurt. Yeah. And it's sad that this stranger treated OP with more kindness than her own husband. Mic drop.

Like, you have what you need. You should leave him. Especially with everything else coming out. I really hope she has the support. And, like, I know financial support is a big thing for people trying to leave, especially when you become a stay-at-home mom and you are financially tied to that person as your only means of survival. But I really hope that she can leave and...

be in a better, safer place. I know. It sounds like it's going to be tough because she has two young ones and it sounds like she doesn't have family support. So that's going to be really tough. But, you know, I think that it's worth trying to find a way to make that work than trying to muscle through it with somebody who's just going to be so inconsiderate and can perhaps do more damage in the long run. I agree. Moving along. Oof. That's an adjustment for sure. That is. This next one is...

A tough one. It is a little sad. The update was posted two days ago, which is why it really came up on my radar. And we're going to we'll we'll get into it. So the original post is four months old, coming from character Jaguar 3037. It is titled Would I be the asshole for going to the funeral of my ex-girlfriend's brother and missing my sister-in-law's wedding?

I, male 25, am in a relationship with Amelia, female 26, since two years ago. She is wonderful, we live together, and I think we are close to engagement. In the past, I was in a relationship with Julia, 25, female. We met in high school and had a very passionate relationship for five years, but it didn't work. In the end, it got quite heated between us and even with her parents, so we blocked each other. I'm not sure if it's true, but I think it's true.

Julia had a brother, Dan, two years younger, and we always shared a special bond. Like me, he wanted to become a doctor, and I helped him with med school. Even after the breakup, we stayed close. Julia and their parents weren't aware. He was definitely very important for me, almost like a younger brother.

Unfortunately, Dan had a car crash and died last week. I didn't know until Julia came to my house to announce it two days ago. I am absolutely devastated. She apologized because she wasn't aware that Dan and I were still close.

She also thanked me for being there for him when he was fighting depression and that all her family would like to see me at his funeral next Sunday in their hometown. Seven hour drive. I replied that I wasn't sure if I could come because I'm running low on money at the moment and my car will be at the mechanics. She said she could drive me there, but she had to be there two days earlier to help with the organization. I said that I will think about it. We exchanged numbers and hugged.

She cried a little and said she was sorry for all the things of the past and was happy to see me again. Amelia came home at this moment, and I explained the situation when Julia left. She already knew about my past relationship with Julia and my friendship with Dan. Amelia told me that I wouldn't be able to go to the funeral because the wedding of her sister is the same day, and we both agreed to go. I said that I needed a little bit of time to process all that.

The following morning, I had a very emotional phone call with Dan and Julia's parents. They apologized for the past and thanked me for being there for Dan. And they would always consider me family from now. They insisted that they'd like to host me for the funeral to save me costs.

After reflection, even if it sucks for Amelia at the wedding, I cannot imagine missing Dan's funeral. I talked with my co-residents, the head of the unit, and they're okay with me missing a few days and covering for me. When I told my decision to Amelia yesterday, she blew it.

blew up and said that I'm a huge dick to ditch her and her family in favor of my exes. She said that I committed to the wedding and I couldn't leave her alone to reconnect with my ex. We had a big argument and haven't talked much since. I had some messages from her friends and her sister. They said that I'm a major asshole for abandoning my girlfriend in favor of my ex.

I was sure about doing the good choice, but I'm starting to feel bad and second guessing myself. So am I the asshole? This is a tough one. This is a really tough one. It's a really, really tough one. I genuinely don't know what I would do.

The only thing that comes to mind like really quick for me. Yeah. Like me jerks. Yeah. Is like I had my one of my best friends from high school who lost her first baby. Like crazy malpractice from a hospital fluke crazy thing. And I was in grad school and had this presentation coming up and I

It was so fucking stupid. I had a test in one class, this presentation in another. And when I heard what happened, I immediately broke down. I knew I had to get home. I knew I had to be there for her. And my one teacher was like, oh, the test doesn't matter. Go. There's two things in life you don't ever want to regret missing. Funerals and weddings. And this is both. Like, this is so tough. Yeah.

And unfortunately for me, I had another teacher who wouldn't give me permission to miss the presentation or Zoom from home. So I fly back the morning of the presentation to make it there. And as I'm hitting the ground in LAX, I open my email. Yeah, you can miss it if you have to. Just a bitch about it. And it's like, I missed it. And I do regret it. It's really sad. And so...

I feel like for me personally, I would go to the funeral over the wedding. I think a chance at closure and saying goodbye is more important than like, yes, this happy celebration. But these people are still here. I can celebrate them every day going forward. Yes. So it's a really tough one though. Yeah. That was my knee jerk. I'm not just saying that. I had like, well, my initial knee jerk was...

And I think this is just ingrained in my brain from like the stories we've done in the past and the feedback we've gotten, you know, because we see the comments and we see when people don't agree with us. And that's fine because that's the point of the show. It's a hot take. And then everyone can have a different hot take on top of our hot takes. That's the whole point of this dialogue. But like, I feel like in the past when I, because I do play devil's advocate a lot, a lot of the feedback is like,

the consensus is always to like choose your new family, right? Like you see that trend of like, Ooh, that is so true. This is the family you're marrying into or like intend to marry into. He's like, we're close to engagement. So if this is going to be your future family, like, isn't that more important than like this family from the past? That is so true. But that was like my initial, but then I'm like, I don't know if that's actually my original feeling or if that's just what I think that the people are going to think. Yeah.

And then I'm thinking like my knee jerk was very similar to what you said in the sense that like this is nobody can tell you what weighs heavier on your heart. Like no one can decide for you what would hurt more or give you more joy. So like if you're faced with this, this like difficult decision of mourning a death and a chapter that is closed with someone that was very important to you on a period of time, like

or to celebrate this new chapter looking forward with your future new family, like that might be a really joyous moment that you might be sad about missing out on. Or you're going to regret not being there to mourn and be there with this family and these people that were once so important to you. And no one can make that decision for you. I can't, you can't, the Reddit community can't, nobody listening can do that. This is so deeply personal to OP and

And I know that this is like a very, like almost like a cop out. Like it's hard for me to have a take here because I'm genuinely so torn. If it's me, I don't know. I really don't know. This would probably eat me alive. Yeah. But I think I'm choosing funeral because...

It sounds to me, based on the way he wrote this, that that's really hurting him and he's going to hurt him for a long time. Yeah. Versus like you said, he could take out the new, you know, sister-in-law to dinner and her husband and celebrate them in a way that's unique and special to him, you know, to make up for the fact that he died.

And he's not choosing his ex's family over this new family. I don't see it like that. I hated that comment from her. I don't think that's what it is. That's coming from a place of insecurity. Yeah, of course it is. That's just not even fair to put that on him. But I'm going to be honest with you. And this is why this is so hard because I really can see all the angles here. Imagine I'm Amelia. I'm the girlfriend, right? Alejandra, your friend, is Amelia. And I'm telling you this story.

And I'm telling you about how my boyfriend is choosing to go to my ex's, his ex's brother, you know what I mean? You would be like, ole.

That's really fucked up of him. No. You don't think so? Absolutely not. I think most girlfriends would. I think certain people for sure. But if this was the story that I was getting parlayed, I would say, well, he was friends with Dan outside of his ex. Him and Dan remained friends under wraps for over five years. And yeah, they met in high school. So maybe they've even been friends for seven or eight. Like he's going to pay his respects to his friend.

The ex was still blocked. That's why she had to show up on the doorstep to tell him about her brother. Yeah. You have nothing to worry about. Yeah. She hasn't been in the picture. He didn't even have her number. Yeah. Like this is purely about Dan. Yeah. And the fact that Dan is gone. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't, for a second view, this is like a way of them reconnecting. It could be, you know, it could be. If, yeah. You know, mourning sometimes like brings, I mean, people together. I don't know. Oh, it sure does. What's that? Oh my God. I know, I know, I know. What's that Jennifer Garner movie? Catch and Release. Oh, I haven't seen that. It's so good.

Huh. Wait, what? I've never heard of this movie. It's like embarrassing how many movies I haven't seen. Catch and Release is one of my all-time favorite movies. Text me that so I can watch it later. Jennifer Garner, some hot guy. I don't know his name. It's about a funeral? Yeah, so her fiancé dies. Huh. And then...

This whole thing happens. She finds out that he had a secret kid when the lady shows up on her door. And I've never even heard. She starts like kind of hooking up with one of his friends. Whoa. Great movie. Okay. Okay. Save that for later. So I don't I don't think that that's what's happening here is Opie and Julia are like reconnecting over the morning of her brother could happen for sure. But like, that's not the question here.

I think I got to stick to my... Your original? Yeah, both of us originally thought, like, I don't think he's the asshole for choosing. This is something that's, like, it's important to him. And...

I hope that his girlfriend can be supportive of that. I can understand the initial shock factor and offense. You know, I can get it. I get it. Because when it's understandable. Yeah. When everyone asks where he is and she has to be like a funeral. But I mean, like she doesn't need to go into the details of like who the funeral or why. Honestly, just say that a funeral. A funeral. People don't ask questions. I know. I know. Like, oh, God, that's terrible. Yeah. Yeah. Move along. We're celebrating today. Yeah. Like he's fine. He's not here. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So overall vote on this one is no assholes here. So the top comment says, I'm going to say no assholes here because I understand wanting to be at Dan's funeral. And it's not like you're missing the wedding to go party with friends or something. But I can also understand why your girlfriend would be upset. Yeah. You're going with your ex a few days early and staying with your ex-girlfriend's family who you didn't get along with in the past to the point of blocking them on your phone.

Would you be totally fine with her missing a hopefully once-in-a-lifetime family event to be with an ex for a funeral and being with them for days, not just a few hours? I'm not going to sugarcoat this. There's a chance you come back from the funeral with her stuff moved out. It is quite the test of your relationship. I will say that. Yeah, it's hard. That's what I was saying. Like, the narrative and the optics are not great. And I know that this isn't about how it looks. Like, there are a lot of things in life that don't look good, right?

but they're genuinely okay. Like they're not bad intention. They're not, they're well-intentioned, I should say. But you do see what I mean? Like when you're explaining this, it doesn't sound great. Like, so he's going to go stay with, he's going to drive up with her early, stay with her family, you know? But I think if you're, if you can be a mature person and put your feelings and insecurities aside and you really, this is a, this is truly a testament of trust, right?

If you have a lot of trust and he's respectful and honest about this, it's not going to feel great, but it's necessary. It honestly, I think in some cases could make your relationship stronger though. Yeah, I totally agree. Like I think this act of like, I trust you. I want what's going to make you the happiest. Like I get, I'm going to be alone at my sister's wedding, but like at the same time, she's probably a bridesmaid. She's probably going to be very busy with obligations throughout the day.

So, I don't know. I think it could be something that really brings them together if she says, I think you should go. Like, demonstrating you trust your person enough and love them enough to make sure that they don't have regrets. Like, I would be like, wow. Yeah. Wow. Like, he's already thinking about proposing. Like, after that. Yeah, I agree. Like, I think it could really bring them closer together. Yeah.

There's a lot of comments on this one. A lot of people that are kind of torn. I agree with no assholes here. I wanted to say you would be the asshole because in a perfect world, going to the funeral would not be a problem and everyone would understand why it would be so important for you to go. However, there are definitely a lot of complicated feelings involved. Your girlfriend is disappointed you're backing out of the wedding and jealous you're going to be with an ex.

When I am just reading this online, I can absolutely see your point and think, yeah, of course he should go. But if I'm honest with myself, if I was in your girlfriend's shoes, I don't know if I would be able to rise above those emotions and think the same. So you are definitely not an asshole for wanting to go. And while it would be nice for your girlfriend to be able to see that also, I certainly can't call her an asshole for feeling disappointed and jealous over the situation. Yeah, that's all fair.

I will say personally, jealous over the situation.

feels gross yeah her brother just died that part i didn't mean this fair no no but i i do agree with most of the sentiments but it's like also at the same time like this isn't a happy kumbaya where they're having this ideal situation to get back together yeah like her brother just died these are bad circumstances that nobody wanted and this is not like an opportunistic moment this is a sad moment that is just the way that the cards were dealt yeah and they're mourning yeah

Okay. For the update. I think, I don't know, maybe I haven't thought about that, but there's certain people. Actually, my ex would think about this when he was in the shower. He was what kind of person he wanted to be. He would be in the shower and he would envision his funeral. And he would think about who would show up and what they would say. I've already got mine planned. Your funeral? Yeah. You're planning your funeral? Yeah. Just in case. Who's going to execute? Who's going to execute?

Um, depends on who's around. That's what I mean. But I want a party. A celebration of life. I want like, no, no, no. Like I want a full blown party. Like I want carnival rides with a bar. Like a birthday party. Yeah. At your funeral. Yeah. Okay. But like, have you ever thought about who would show up?

They're just my friends. But like you don't, obviously for like obvious reasons, you're not really going to know or control it. No, we can drop the address for everyone. I don't care. But like, I've thought about it. I'm like, I don't have a lot of enemies out there that I know of, but I'm like, would they come? Yeah. Would my fallen exes come? They'd share your obituary. What do you mean? Do you see this bitch died?

You know how people get engaged and you always look at how many shared things your post has? It would be like, think about in the future, social media, how it's probably going to evolve. How many group chats would I be in where they're like, this bitch fucking croaked, finally. Right? I don't know. That's how I kind of envision it for me. That's what I mean. I got enemies out there. We don't have that many enemies, but the few that we do have...

Are they going to be like, damn, that's crazy. Good luck, though. Or are they going to be like, are they going to be like, oh, my God. All things aside, she was a good person and I'm going to show up. You know what I mean? Like I thought about there's a couple of people on the fence where I'm like, I don't know. How would they feel? Where, you know, what we're doing right now? This is giving. Have you seen Friends? No, I know. I know. I don't want to hear it. I know. Like Ross fakes his death.

to see who shows up. Okay. And essentially, like, I think Chandler or Joey or him were having a war and they put it in the paper that he died. Oh, my God. And he's like, you what? And then he's like, well, I kind of want to see who shows up. And this hot girl from high school shows up and he runs out of the bedroom and is like, I'm not dead. Oh. See, I wouldn't do that because if some bitches didn't show up... It'd be war. It's on site. Like, it's different. Like...

You know what? Like nothing would be the same. I'd be like, you bitch. Like I'd come out from behind the curtain or whatever. I'd be like, you know what I mean? You'd be a little hurt. Of course. It would just change. Like, why would you be there? No worries. I mean, thank you. Unless I've gone before you. Well, I hope that at the rate we're going at. You work out a lot more than me. It doesn't matter. You're healthier than me. I don't know. Whatever. Okay. Weird thing to fight about. Update.

First of all, thanks for all the comments. It really helped me gain perspective on my situation. Nearly four months later, here's the update.

After intense reflection, I decided to stick with my prior engagement and go to the wedding. I called Julia to explain briefly the situation, also called her parents to apologize and tell them I'll come to pay my respects to them and to Dan's grave once I get my car back. They were very understanding. Amelia was still mad at me, though. She blamed me for being tempted by Julia and her family, a

Again, after the wedding, for pulling the long face, I was still very hurt by Dan's death. So yeah, I wasn't at my best. Our relationship was really going sour. I felt like she wasn't supporting me while I was grieving my friend, but she wasn't on the same page. I started to see a new side of her and perhaps we weren't meant to be. After another argument, we broke up. Mmm.

One to two weeks after the wedding. She tried to salvage our relationship, but the damage was permanent. At this point, I was at my lowest, totally devastated in just a few weeks. I lost my friend and my relationship. I was in a really bad place. A few days after, I got my car back. Luckily, it was a minor issue. It didn't cost me too much. Once I got a weekend off, I visited Dan's grave and his parents. They gifted me his stethoscope.

Mm-hmm.

Nothing romantic though. We are both grieving Dan and I just ended my relationship with Amelia. We both agree that rushing into a relationship would be a bad idea. Currently, we just enjoy spending time as friends.

Step by step, I started to feel better. The pain is still there, but I'm learning to live with it. I try to enjoy my life, to improve as a man and as a resident every day. I'm lucky to have a great support group to rely on, especially one of my co-residents who really stepped up and is becoming an awesome friend. I'm currently living with him until I find a new apartment.

Aww. Aww.

It's like a roller coaster. It's like sad, beautiful, sad, beautiful. I'm like really torn on this. Yeah. I mean, you kind of called it. You were like, this will either make or break them. And it broke them. Well, and it could have gone so much better. Like, what did she say here? Like, she blamed me even after he decided to go to the wedding. She's still not happy. Because it sounds like...

correct me if my read is wrong but it sounds like he had a long face like he was like mopey maybe like eeyore vibes at the wedding and he wasn't maybe as fun as he normally is and he was a little more down and so she's thinking like it's kind of like when you get dragged to be somewhere so it's like you might as well just not even come yeah and now she the whole time like the damage has kind of already been done and i think with i don't want to put words in his mouth but i think in a way like

Him choosing the wedding over the funeral was really to appease her. And I think in a way there could be a little bit of resent. So I think on that wedding day, he probably was feeling some type of deep resent towards her. And maybe he was taking it out on her. Maybe it was manifesting itself in a way that was very evident in the way that his mood came off to people. So then now she's annoyed because she's like, all right, you came, but you're like, obviously not happy about it. And I know you'd wish you were somewhere else, but it sounds like she's got some growing up to do.

And she let her insecurities win. And I was actually thinking about this originally is like, I didn't think he was going to choose a wedding. But in the event that he did, it's like, I wouldn't feel good anymore. It's just like, you're kind of yucky, you know? Like, he's realizing and he said it like it showed a side of her that

that he didn't really know before and that made him question if he would want to actually marry this person. And if she can't be supportive and understanding when he's grieving and sad, then that's going to be a tough partner to have for the long haul. Yeah, because she's showing if she doesn't get her way, she's miserable to deal with. Yes. I think you are spot on. And I just like, I don't have any words. I am really surprised he didn't go to the funeral. Me too. Like, me too. And he even says, I do regret it.

And the family really tried to make that better for him, which is true. Like a funeral is for the living. It's not for the dead. No. Like it is for the living. Like that funeral was more so for him and the family that day than it was for Dan. Yeah. He showed up for Dan. He was a good friend of Dan. But it is really shitty. Like in hindsight, 2020, everything is 2020 vision in hindsight. Like he skipped a really important funeral.

to go to a wedding that they broke up two weeks later. That sucks. And when you were saying your amazing little monologue here, the thought popped into my head. And I think in a lot of relationships, we get faced with these really tough decisions of a lot of catch-22s. We're damned if we do, damned if we don't. But I think if we kind of keep in mind more, either decision, someone is going to be unhappy, whether it's my partner or me.

But which decision is going to leave the least amount of resentment? Yeah. The least amount of anger. Like he said, I'll go to the wedding and she was still mad. I know. So then it's like no one's winning. You're unhappy you're not going to a funeral because you want to be there for to honor your friend. She's still mad at you even though you're going. Who wins here? Yeah. Everyone's losing. Everybody lost. Yeah.

Everybody lost. Everybody lost in this. I hate those situations. That's a really good point. And that's... I try to look at things like that in my own life where I think...

It's kind of a bad way of thinking, but I always try to say like when I'm faced with a hard decision like that, I'm like, which one will I regret the least? I've really started to think that way. Yeah. Because you can't always predict which one's going to bring you the most happiness or which one's going to... Because things can go sour. Things can go wrong. But like in the worst case scenario of each, which one would you feel less resent about? Yeah. I really...

I really, really hate wondering what if. Yeah, same. So I have really tried to make a solid effort to like when I'm faced with choices like, okay, what am I going to regret the least? Am I going to feel like I missed out? Am I going to wonder what if? Yeah. So it's I think if you have opportunities, go for it. Right. Moving along. Sucks. This sucks. No one won. No.

Well, he won. He did win. Because he got out of a relationship. That was not meant for him. Yeah. Yeah, there are some comments from OP. And I do like that they did say, like, I'm moving forward with, like, optimism and...

and everything there. Someone did comment, though, and they go, so I mistyped, but there's something going on with Julia. It's there. Amelia saw it. He is acknowledging it. He obviously saw his relationship with Julia more importantly than his with Amelia. I don't know about all that. Amelia, is that you? Yeah, right. Is that you, sweetie? OP does respond, though. When I broke up with Amelia, my only interaction with Julie was

Was it Julie? Oh, I said Julia. I was like, you've been calling her Julia the whole time. Oh, I think it's Julie. Oops. Oh, whatever. They're fake names anyways. When I break up with Amelia, my only interaction with Julie was when she announced to me that Dan passed away. I broke up with Amelia because she wasn't there for me when I needed her support the most. She seemed more preoccupied by appearances. Yeah.

I think Amelia showed her true colors. I think so, too. Julia was his girlfriend for five years at one point. Like that's someone who's always going to have a deep impact on you. Yeah. And I do like I'm friends with some of my exes and I know that there's some where if they were like my little brother died, I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Of course. I'd show up to support. Of course. Like it wouldn't be an issue with Justin. Yeah. Like, no, it's just goofy. But moving along.

Okay, this next one, a little bit lighter. It's lighting the mood a little bit. This is just some good old-fashioned chaos where adjustments and compromises need to be made. Okay. I think, at least personally. Okay. So this one was posted one day ago. It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Not Going to My Sister-in-Law's Wedding Due to Her Dress Code?

I, 25 female, am having a conflict with my husband's sister, 36 female. She's getting married in two weeks and her dress code is incredibly complicated to adhere to for me. It is black tie, long sleeves, and floor-length gowns.

The conflict happened because I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and overheat very quickly, and the wedding is entirely outside. In the middle of the day, in the southern USA, where it is incredibly hot.

I cannot be in a long-sleeve, floor-length gown in the heat for eight hours. I have sent her a few dresses to try to compromise, which I will link in the comments for further information, but she is completely adamant about exactly what she wants. I told her yesterday that I cannot attend her wedding if she is not going to budge even slightly on the dress code. I told her she has the right to have her wedding exactly how she wants it, for it to be her perfect day, but I have the right to look out for my own health."

She freaked out at me and told me I was being incredibly selfish and that, quote, for once, it isn't about me and my fucking baby, which she only said because she's jealous. I'm having the first grandchild and she felt like she should have a baby before me and my husband.

Damn, sis. Since then, my husband's side of the family has told me I'm being selfish and to just compromise one day to keep the peace. I don't think I should need to compromise my health for her wedding. Am I being the asshole? Am I being unreasonable? Here are a few examples of the dresses I offered to wear. Okay, this is dress number one. Oh, we have pictures? We have pictures. Okay.

It's doing a whole lot, though. It is a floor-length black gown with embroidered flowers throughout with a cape sheer-like sleeve that is also floor-length. Really great description. Very good. Giving all for our audio listeners. Love. Dress number two. Okay. Is a beautiful light blue dress.

Half sleeve gown, floor length, some nice ruching and ruffles on the bottom. There is a waistline right below where your boobs would fall to really make it comfortable for someone who is pregnant. Looks very comfortable, but like... Not black tie. It's not black. Wait, okay, stupid question. So it doesn't have to be black, right? Black tie. But I thought she said they black long sleeve...

It has to be black tie. Black tie, not black. Long sleeves and floor length. Floor length, long sleeve. It doesn't have to be black. Just black tie vibe. Black tie, which for definition, traditionally a black tie dress code denotes a formal evening occasion where men are meant to wear tuxedos and women floor length gowns. Okay.

The images I see do not even include sleeves. One is a gold sequin floor length gown. The other is a black floor length gown, both sleeveless. So can be interpreted. However, this is the third dress option. It is a dark navy blue, almost ankle length gown, long sleeves, but the sleeves are sheer. Also has a like silver colored floral embroidery pattern over it.

Okay. I think option one and option three are very appropriate. I agree.

very appropriate. I agree. Option one, I actually love. I did too. I think it like has really grown on me. Yeah, it grew on me too. Like, I just think it's beautiful. The black. Yeah, I like it. And I love cape dresses. Like cape dresses are my vibe. I can't pull them off. Cape blazers. I bought that white cape blazer from Zara. I love that. Yeah. But this I think is very black tie formal. Yeah, no, that's actually stunning. It actually reminds me a lot of

Of the dress I wore to a wedding this year. Legs is. I loved that dress. That dress was really pretty. That was literally my friend's mom's dress. Also, I don't know. They're kind of giving the same energy. It is the same vibe. Same vibe. We'll put the pictures side by side. Yeah. It's beautiful. I love that dress. I literally asked you where it was from. Yeah. Which I should text. It's Chil's mom's. I should ask her mom where she got it. You got to ask her. But anyway, yes. Okay. One and three are great. Number two sold out anyway. So sorry, mama. You can't have it. But-

I don't like number two anyway. Number two is not doing it. That's like a summer garden party vibe. Correct. Number one and number three are very appropriate. Also, haven't we learned that no matter how clear of dress code instructions you send to your wedding guests, no one knows how to follow dress codes. Right. Why is she throwing a fit over this pregnant lady? Right.

I'm so confused why people care that much. She's 34 weeks pregnant. She's ready. She's ready to give birth. Just let the mama wear whatever she's comfortable in. She meets like 90% of the criteria.

I would, yeah. I would say even maybe 95. I was going to say that too. Chuck off 5% for the no sleeves, but it's kind of cool cape. The first one doesn't have sleeves. The second one had like, what, three quarter sleeves? Yeah. But it wasn't as floor length. But who freaking cares? That's pretty much floor length. She's not trying to wear like a mini dress. She's not wearing white. She's not wearing anything even close to white. These are all dark colors except for number two, but we don't like number two. If your sister-in-law was doing this to you, would you go rogue?

And like not wear. And just show up? Or would you just be fine not going? I don't know. Like you're pregnant, sitting at home. I hate giving my take on this stuff because people are like, you're a doormat, Alejandra. Like I hate pissing people off knowingly. I hate pissing people off knowingly. And sometimes that's the expense at my own expense. Sometimes I am a doormat and I do what people want me to do because I pick the path of least resistance.

Is that something I would say every woman should do? No. Is that the right thing to do? Probably not. But that's what I do. Call me a little bitch. I don't know. But like in this moment, like I'm not like I'm probably stuck. I'm probably going to suck it up. I would not.

But I would just show up in one of the options that is the most like close to what she's getting. Same. Like the blue dress with the long sleeves, basically ankle length. Yeah. I think that's perfect. And I would show up. I wouldn't at this point. Don't ask her anymore. Find a new dress that you think is appropriate with sheer sleeves. It's going to keep you cooler on this hot ass humid day. Yeah. And just show up.

Like, you've given her options. She is clearly deranged for some reason. Yeah. And show up. But your husband also kind of needs to step up and say, hey, you're being crazy. I thought you were my sister. Don't you want my wife there? Like, your husband needs to also kind of have your back on this. Well, his family, too. Weren't they all calling herself this? Yeah! I mean, this is like a shitty situation because in that moment, like, I would be like, I...

don't love the family I'm married into personally. That just is like not a good feeling. Like you feel like everyone's ganging up on you. Like you're all kind of selfish in that moment, but it is what it is, right? It just is. It just is what it is. And you can, you have a choice. You have free will. You can go and wear something that might piss her off or you can go and adhere to her crazy dress code and be super uncomfortable. Mm-hmm.

Or you cannot go. It is totally your choice. Yeah. Personally, I'm going to the wedding because not going to me is just going to cause more drama. Yeah. And I might even wear whatever the hell it is that she wants me to wear. And if I'm that uncomfortable, I might just leave.

That is another solution. Like try it. And then, and then, and then it kind of point proves your point. No one can really be mad at you. I'm overheating. I need to go. This is exactly why I didn't want to wear this. I have to leave now. Yeah.

I have a backup. If you're good with me changing into that, I will come back. If not, I'm sorry. It's been great. It's been lovely. Congrats. Bye. Bye. See you. Bye. Yeah. Top comment on this one. Not the asshole. Grabbing popcorn and waiting to see how many people actually adhere to said dress code. Please let us know. So true. Because it's like you think just because this person's consulting you,

You know how many people are not consulting you that are not going to adhere to your dress code? Who wants us to wear long sleeves in 100 degree heat? Also, like, no, like we're not even addressing that because it's just not worth it. But like read the room. Like if it's hot and it's summer in the South, why did you want people to wear that? Like you're just weird for that. Like that's a weird move. You're just I'm already questioning the way that you live your life personally. Yeah.

It is weird. Also, her wedding is in the middle of the day. That's what I'm saying. The sun is out and up. There's no reprieve during days like that. Also, black tie, formal, long sleeve.

That's meant for nighttime. Totally. It's an evening gown. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Have a garden vibe. Yeah. Or put your wedding at night. Pick a struggle. Pick one. It's evening and you get your evening wear or it's day and let the people wear sundresses.

I love almost like horse race outfits, like Kentucky Derby dresses. I love the floral gowns and the garden party vibe. That is also a very elegant vibe. You could say, think Derby party. Little hats, like cute little hats and really spice it up with mint juleps and all this stuff. Just because you're having a daytime doesn't mean you can't have it classy and elegant without having...

Oh, yeah. I went to a wedding. Do you remember that big yellow dress I wore in Santa Barbara? Oh, that was good. Like, everyone looked so stunning and everyone had, like, long dresses on. Like, it was a big dress, but it still was very giving. It was very much giving vineyard, daytime, Santa Barbara, you know, whatever. I loved that dress. It was so, I got, oh, my God, I looked like it was like a fairy tale. But beside the point, it's like you can have fun with, you can still be elegant in

And like upscale and like beautiful and classy during the day without asking people to wear long, dark colored ball, heavy ball gowns. Yeah. In the middle of a hot day in the South in the summer. Very weird. There is a commenter here that goes...

Yes, please. We need an update asking to make sure like give us an update which yes, please I second that everyone keep your eyes peeled Oh, we don't have an update yet. Not yet. And then there is one down that goes we definitely do pregnant woman here There is no way I would be able to adhere to her dress code today I just went outside in just a t-shirt and a jegging in 84 degree heat and I was

I agree.

Well said. Yeah. Well freaking said. There are some comments from OP. Someone posted this on Am I the Angel, which is another subreddit for a lot of these posts. And a lot of people were really just giving her some heat. Oh.

Yeah. What? Yeah. I don't, I don't know. Like what? Like just suck it up and sweat your face off? Yeah. So someone goes, I mean, sister-in-law sounds like an idiot, but she can be, it's her wedding. You're the asshole. Just make it work or don't. Doesn't really matter, but let sister-in-law have her stupid wedding however she wants. Okay. That's a camp, I guess. But OP is saying that. She's just saying, I can't wear this. So like,

If this is 100% what you're requiring of all of your guests, I can't be in attendance. That's true. Like, OP is not saying change your day for me. That's true. That's true. So she does respond and goes, she can have her wedding how she wants, but I'm not going. That's my whole point. I don't want to ruin her wedding, but I'm not going to put myself in danger. Okay. Okay. Fair. Someone asks, info, are there religious slash cultural reasons for the dress code or just because? No, they are for aesthetics.

And again, people keep highlighting that. Is she an Orthodox Jew? Is this for religious reasons or personal? Personal. She thinks the style is elegant. Info. Are you a bridesmaid or just a guest? Edit. Saw you are a guest. Hell nah. You are not the asshole. Long sleeve in the south. I can see if she is Muslim and it's a cultural thing, but you can't police all of your guests attire.

OP responds, if it was religious, then I'd be more accommodating, but the issue would be the same. Yeah, the issue remains. Yeah, it's more so health. Wow.

Someone did offer links to other additional dresses. So nice. Yeah, here is one of them. It is an off-the-shoulder, kind of like sheer chiffon with a lining. It's beautiful. It's really pretty. And OP does respond to their suggestions and goes, I've sent her similar dresses to those and she vetoed them. What? Not elegant enough. Oh, yeah. Stop sending this bitch options. No. Okay.

I think get something sheer, like sheer sleeves, black or a dark brown or like something that's like elegant colored, a mauve. Anything can be elegant colored though, like the yellow dress I wore. Yeah. Wouldn't you call that elegant? Yes. It was sunflower yellow. The example picture had gold sequins. Yeah. Like it can be any color, but...

just find something nice and show up. Like, just stay out of her way. Like, stay out of sight. Out of sight, out of mind. There's going to be so many other people that violate her dress code. Yeah, go focus on them. Like, there are going to be so, so, so many other people. And you're pregnant. This is so putty. You're 34 weeks pregnant. Why? I just like, in what world? In what world do people get so hung up on these things? Like...

I don't know. Like, maybe I'll eat my words one day if I get married and I have a wedding. But I just, like, literally can't see myself caring this much. I... Well, and I think, like, we... I mean, we say this all the time, too. Like, with a lot of these stories, like, it's her wedding. It's her day. Yeah. Their day. But you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, it's their wedding. They can make their own rules. Mm-hmm. But when you're subjecting your people to getting heat stroke, like... Yeah.

Yeah. That's not going to be a fun wedding. Like, yeah, there's an episode of Survivor and it was like the craziest season I've ever watched. And three contestants go down during like the end of a challenge with heatstroke. One gets life flighted out with a helicopter. He's like unresponsive. And it's like, that's going to be this girl's wedding. Yeah. Not just that or just want everyone to look like shit.

Sweaty. Like sweaty pigs. Gracie hot. Like everyone's going to have sticky hair, sticky skin, sweat stains. Imagine all the people with sweat stains. Like I remember, sorry I keep talking about this wedding in Santa Barbara, but even then like we wore like sun dresses and stuff. It was in the middle of the day.

People were really hot. Like everyone, like people were sweating and fanning themselves off and looking for shade. And it's just like the wedding was beautiful, but like that was a little bit of an oversight where like we missed how hot it was going to be during the day and there wasn't enough shade. And there's a lot of waiting around. And it's like, those are the things that, you know, maybe you're not thinking about because you're not thinking about it from a guest perspective. But like, why would you want your guests to be uncomfortable and hot and sweaty? And that's going to look like shit in all the photos. Yeah.

I wouldn't be far. This is why I want a fall wedding. Yeah. I want no humidity. I want my makeup to just be set. Yeah. I...

also like want to get married on my farm and like fall is really pretty there so maybe that's why I'm a little biased but like I hate being hot yeah I hate it I would rather be cold than hot and this actually popped up on the radio when we were back in Minnesota they did a poll and they're like would you rather it be 113 degrees or 40 below and I think like 85 percent picked 40 below

I don't know about that one. You have lizard mode for you. You are a lizard. Like there are people that go lizard mode and they can go sit outside in 90 degree heat in the sun for hours. I'm not lizard mode. I'm snowman girl. Okay. Like I'm Elsa. I meant to be frozen. Okay. There you go. I'm, I'm Scandinavian as a book. I'm not. I'm like, like you said, I'm a lizard. You're a lizard. You got that lizard blood. I like run cold. Like,

Yeah. People are hot. I'm like, you know, I'm perfect. Oh, my God. You guys, you, Lauren and Sarah lived in this apartment and you didn't have central AC. You had one window unit and it was like all the way across your apartment. And I would go over and I'm like instantly sweating in the door. I'm like, why don't you have this thing on? And I'd be like, I'm perfect. No, no. My AC went out in my condo for a year and we didn't have money to fix it.

It was like 20 grand. My dad, like my dad finally figured out how to like buy the Freon and go do it himself, but we didn't have the money to fix it. And it was out for like one of the hottest summers in LA. And I would go get a wet towel and just sleep with a wet towel on me all night. Sounds so gross. It was disgusting. But I gotta do what you gotta do. But it worked. Yeah. It really worked. Wait, really? Because I feel like when I sleep with wet things, it makes me more hot.

It worked. Really? I did it again at Justin's mom's house. Did you put it on your forehead? No, a full-size towel. That sounds awful. Yeah. You're probably like getting mold all over yourself. I can smell like mildew as long as I'm not hot. Yeah.

I just did this recently at Justin's mom's house because her AC in the room we stay in like isn't it just like isn't strong in that room it like pumps the air elsewhere but I don't know it just it doesn't work in that room we're in you put a towel on yourself I washed a new blanket I bought at Target because

Me and Justin usually share a blanket there, but he's so hot. So I'm like, maybe if I get my own blanket, I'll sleep cooler. It'll be better. And I washed it and it didn't dry in time. So I just slept with it wet on me. Oh, Morgan, that sounds so gross. I would rather be wet than hot. Yeah. That's like, I don't know why it makes my skin crawl. You know why? You know why it makes my skin crawl? Because you envisioned me waking up in the morning pruney. Because sometimes my hands were... Actually, no. But like that, now I have the vision. Yeah.

That is not what I was thinking of. You know how I used to get night sweats? Yeah. There is nothing worse than waking up like damp in your sleep. Like I would wake up damp. Like you would think I just ran a half marathon. Yeah. I'd be like sweaty and wet. Hot sweats? Terrible. No, but they were cold sweats. That's the worst part. Oh, God. That's the irony of the night sweats is you're hot, but you actually wake up cold. Oh. Yeah. Were you sick? No. No.

I was never sick during any of those times. That's crazy because I wake up from hot sweats, but I'm like hot. No, no, no. Like I'm actually dripping with sweat. No, that's why I'm like cringing right now because it's actually one of the top five worst feelings in the world. Oh, no, this doesn't feel like that. You feel like it feels good. I'm trying so hard to envision it, but I can't. Maybe just try it for a little bit. No, like I'm actually traumatized. I would never want to try this. Like...

That was like the worst thing in the world. I wouldn't know what to do. It was so bad. I wanted to just be up. Like it'd be like two in the morning. I bet my day's starting now then because like there's nothing worse than trying to, and like, I didn't know what to do. I'd like put a towel down, but I was like, I was like fricking freezing. I was freezing. So I wanted my comforter, but my comforter was like damp. Yeah.

So I was clearly hot. Like it was the worst. Oh my God. I was like, I guess I need to wake up now and have coffee and just like. Be about my day. Fuck the day, I guess. Be about it. Yeah. Anyway. It's tough. Not the asshole. Not the asshole. Don't like being hot. No. Moving along. Let's do you next. Let's dive in. Let's do yours next. Okay. I'm so excited to not read. Yay. I didn't even practice reading. This thing on.

Testing. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Just kidding. I didn't do my vocal. Don't lay me. I didn't do my vocal warm-ups. I didn't know I was going to read today. What is that one that's Sharpay, Evan? I don't know. To read like a two-second prompt. Okay. All right. No, this one's actually somewhat long. Okay. All right, guys. This one's from subreddit. Am I the asshole?

And it's posted by new-c5605. And it's a throwaway. And it was posted nine hours ago. Yeah. This is fresh as fuck. Hot off the press. Nine hours ago, but it's already got 4.5 upvotes. Okay, it's plugging along. And over 6,000 comments. Whoa. Yeah.

All right, so let's get into it. So am I the asshole for telling my boyfriend that I don't want his daughters in my apartment? I'm in a dilemma here because I know that people would think I'm callous, but I don't think that I am. Give me your honest opinion. I, female 38, met my boyfriend, male 36, at a party four years ago and we hit it off immediately.

I told him very early on that I'm child-free because I know this is a turnoff for many men and I don't want to lead anybody on. After a month, he told me that he had two children, 11 and 12, in parentheses, now. I freaked out because I didn't know what to do. I liked him very much, but I didn't want to be a parental figure. He said I didn't have to. He has shared custody with his ex and me and him would meet the weeks he doesn't have custody.

Now he basically lives in my place the weeks his daughters are with their mother. We decided that this arrangement worked for us and to break up the moment, it didn't work anymore. I could see myself with him forever. I love him to bits. I love our life together. I love missing him when he's with his family. He proposed to me a month ago and I didn't know what he meant, but he said that we didn't need to get married and he just wanted me to have a ring. I thought it was romantic. I

Anyway, a week later, he took his girls to my place for a weekend. His ex was sick and he didn't want the girls to get infected. I asked him if he maybe wanted to be with his daughters instead, but he said that he would miss me since it's our week. I said, okay. I've met his girls on many occasions and they're lovely, so I had no problems more than I felt a bit awkward.

Last week I got home and he had dropped his girls in my apartment. They were in my closet trying on my heels and clothes. I was freaking out so I called him. He said yeah change of plans. He and his ex switched so the girls are staying with us. When he got home I told him I couldn't do this. If he was having problems with our arrangement then I understand but I still don't want children in my place. He called me an asshole because his girls have done nothing and are polite etc.

He loved me and we are engaged. Did I expect us to have two separate lives when we've been together for four years and love each other? I'm tired of men thinking I don't really mean it when I say I don't want children. I love him and I do want to be with him and I see our future when his girls are old and have left the home and we could live together and even get married. But I don't think I'm being an asshole. Yes, our way may be not traditional, but my love for him is not lesser for it.

You're the asshole. You are the asshole. There's a line in there where it's like, I'm tired of men not believing me when I say I'm child free. The minute he said he had kids, you should have said, I'm child free. This isn't going to work. Those are his kids. Those are little kids.

humans that are in his life forever that he's responsible for, that he loves. And then Opie even said like, did I expect us to live separate lives? Yes. Yes. That's the standard you have set since the beginning of this relationship. Well, no, no, no. Why are you so confused? So I think what she's, she's kind of like quoting him and he's being like,

Because he says, he called me an asshole because his girls have done nothing and are polite, etc. Yeah. He loved me and we are engaged. Did I expect us to have two separate lives when we've been together for four years and love each other? I think he's being like- That's him. I think it's him being like, did you expect us to have different lives? So he's delusional too.

Yeah. If that's the case and not her saying that, then it's kind of like, dude, she has outlined very clearly, I don't want your kids over here. I don't want anything to do with your kids. That is separate lives. Why are men okay with being with people that don't like their children? You know, that's a really great question. Why are men okay with that? I know some mothers are, but usually... No, yeah, that's true. I can say that because I am dating right now and I've

I've hit this sweet spot. I don't know why I keep dating these like 40-something-year-olds. And there's some of them who have had children. And like it's kind of odd how like nonchalant they are about like they're not really vetting. They're just kind of like, do you want kids? Lukewarm? Okay. Like they're just like not. And I'm like, shouldn't that be more important to you from the jump? Yeah. Like you have a child and you say you're looking. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's really interesting. It's almost as if some of them think,

that they're starting from a position of like, oh, like I hate to use this term because I don't view children this way, but I'm wondering if some of them view it as like, oh, I have this baggage. And so I don't want to push too hard because I want them to buy in. You know what I mean? I bet that's what it is. I don't know what it is, but like, it just feels that way. Cause it's like, you're not more aggressive about the fact that like, you should be heavily vetting whether how someone feels about children. If you have a child already. Yes.

And I think that goes for people that are dating others with kids. If you can't commit to liking that child at the bare minimum, liking and being around and supporting your partner's relationship with that kid, don't date them. Yeah, for sure. Don't date them. You guys are totally wrong and mismatched. This lady, delusional. Delulule. Delusional. This dude, delusional.

I think, I don't even know if he's as much delusional as, so one line that she says is, I'm tired of men thinking I don't really mean it when I say I don't want children. There may be some truth to that. I do feel like there are men who maybe think they can change a woman's mind. Yeah. So that I can- And women too. How many girls stick around? Yes. Oh, he'll change his mind once we get married. No. When someone says they don't want kids,

Take them as it is. Cold, hard fact. Don't waste your time. Yep. No, I agree. And there's a line in here that I wanted to come back to. It says, okay, I love him and I do want to be with him and I see our future when his girls are old and have left the home and we could live together. First of all,

Children are for life. We're not birds where as soon as the baby bird is big enough, you just dump them out of the nest and sayonara, you never see them again. Just because they've left the home doesn't mean they've left his life. You're still going to be a part. He is still going to be a part of their lives. He's still their father. He will eventually maybe become a grandfather. He will have to attend events regularly.

weddings, birthdays. He's still their dad. I mean, I left home when I was 18. I've never lived with my parents a day since I was 18. My parents are still very much in my life. Both of my parents, they're divorced, are remarried, right? Or one of them is remarried, the other one's dating. And that's like my mom or my dad marrying somebody who was like, I don't want kids. And like, we're going to wait till Alejandro goes off to college. But like,

I'm still coming back for holidays. Yeah. I'm still very much a part of their lives. You're still his kid. She's delusional for thinking that once this 11 and 12-year-old grow up, go to college and move out, that they're just gone forever. And now you can have a living. I guess in her mind, she might be thinking, well, now they're adults. Yeah. Because she doesn't want children. So maybe it's a different relationship. But I don't know if she's missing that. Let's all be real here. As funny as it sounds...

We're still like children. We are. Like we call our moms. In the eyes of our parents. Right. Like we're still always going to be our, no matter, I can be 35, I can be 55. I'm always going to be my parents' like baby. You're always going to be your parents' baby. Doesn't matter how like the age. Like yes, in society we're adults, but in terms of a dynamic, I don't think she understands that like children doesn't just mean like a person under 18. Right.

They're going to have a certain relationship and dependency with this person that you're dating. Yeah.

Yeah, I think so too. And you've kind of lived this. Like your dad remarried and his wife didn't have any kids. No. But was still, at least from my understanding, really warm, excited, treats you guys great. Like you just ran your marathon this past summer and she drove up in the bus. Like she wasn't in the bus? No. I thought she went in the bus. No. Damn it. Okay, back it up. But I just... No, she has all of those things. And the only reason she didn't come is there wasn't room. But like...

She's very supportive. Like that's I don't know. I've actually never asked her because I always worry about like the sensitivity of like, did you not want kids? Could you not have kids? I don't know. So she didn't have kids, never did. But she's not anti kids. She was never like, oh, Bob, like I can't date you because you have kids. I'm not going to accept your kids. She's been very accepting and supportive. Yeah. Also, I'm kind of curious why the kids were left alone.

And how they were able to get into her shoes. Like, did you just drop them off there and said, here you go, kids 11 and 12? They're 11 and 12. Be back soon. That's not... I don't know. Like, that's not so young to where it's like, whoa. Yeah. They should have someone older to watch them at that age, but...

I'm assuming he dropped them off and went somewhere. Maybe pick up a snack. Maybe pick up a snack. Something, something, something. But anyway. So strange. Top comment. This comment has 7000 likes or votes. Wow. If anything happens to their mom, they're moving in with you permanently. That's true.

You're like, life is fickle. Oh, so fragile. And the fact that like you, today they have split custody. Tomorrow that can change. I mean, in the blink of an eye. When you date a man who has children or a woman who has children or anyone who has children, you have to understand that those children are going to be in their lives forever and that circumstances around that can change and you have to be okay with that.

Right. Oh, this is something that my dad has really struggled with is finding women that are OK with him having kids. Yeah. And maybe that is to your point, like why people don't like bring it up or go hard at it in the paint at first. Yeah. Because every single woman.

he's ever dated has felt threatened by him having kids, get upset when his kids take priority over them. Yeah. You're not spending enough time with me. We should move further from your kids. Like it's it is a struggle. And I I think it's interesting. And I wonder if, you know, single moms out there could kind of chime in. And is that a double standard or do you find that men are really opposed to kids and feel threatened by kids a lot? Like,

I'm so curious because... I'm so curious. But I feel like for my mom, that's not something she encountered when she was dating. Like, as a single mom dating around, it was never weird...

like it was expected that her kids came first. Yeah. Whereas a dad. Yeah. It's not as expected. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. I think you're hitting something. I am curious. I'd love to hear from single moms and dads. Yeah. On their experiences. But I actually think so. No, I think you're onto something because my mom who is currently well, she has a boyfriend now, but she was dating. I remember my mom would tell me about these guys. And to be honest, she would be like,

oh, I'm dating this guy, but like he's got kids that are kind of young, so I don't know how I feel about it. And I was like, well, mom, like I have a sister who's 16. I'm like, you have a daughter. It's like your kids are out of the house. Like you've got a somewhat young child too. And my mom, what she would say to me is like,

But I've already done it. Like, I already did the parenting thing. They were, like, real young. I think so. So she was like, I did it with you. I did it with Ryan. And I'm... Fernanda's almost out of the house. Do I really want to, like, parent again? Like, and that's fair. Like... That is fair. That's fair. And it sounds selfish, but it's like, for once in her life, she's putting herself first. She's always put her kids first. Refreshing to hear, honestly. Yeah. So I'm like, you know what? If that's her standard, that's her boundary. She's like, you know what? I don't want to date men who have young kids because that means I'm going to have to, like...

do it all over again. Yeah. That's fine. So I don't know if maybe sometimes women feel that way. Like I did my parenting. Oh, a hundred percent. I don't want to parent another person's kids too. Oh, I think that is very, very common because not only like, okay, they might not be in diapers.

but they're in high school. They're connected to the school nine months out of the year. You might be at a point where your kids are out of the nest and you want to travel. You want to do these things you haven't had a chance to do. So if someone's on such a different page as you, there's nothing wrong with that. Everyone has their own journey, but it's just not for you. It's just not for you. And that's this lady. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being child-free at all. It's a great choice for a lot of people.

But you need to find someone who's more on your page. Find someone who's child-free. Then you won't have to worry about men not taking the fact you don't want kids seriously. Yeah. Because they're also going to be serious about the same thing. Right. Exactly. Exactly. It felt like this was a gating issue from the jump and you both were living in like Delululand. Yeah. And like I do get it. Like sometimes...

I'm not going to pretend like I haven't done this where I have this like non-negotiable or like a gating issue, like a non-starter. And then I like will date someone and it's like, okay, that red flag's looking a little pink now. Like you'll kind of like downplay it because you have this great connection. And like in life, especially as you get older and you've been through relationships, you value a connection so much that you're willing to look past certain things. Oh yeah. But you have to be real with yourself. If you've always wanted to be child free and you're not budging on that,

As hard as it is, cut it before you get too invested. Yeah. Well, and there are little things like no one's going to be absolutely perfect for you. Like I'm trying to think of something Justin does that annoys me real fast. What does he do? Sometimes when we're fighting, he'll say, okay, in an exasperated tone. And I'm like,

No, not okay. Like, give me more of a response. And we're working on it, our communication. You know, we have good communication. So it's just like bringing it up and being like, hey, you know, I don't appreciate it when you say that. Can you articulate more of a response? Or if you need time to think about it, can you just say, okay, like, let me think about this for a second before I respond to you. That's fine. Like, just don't feel like you're brushing me off. But that's something you can work past. Not wanting kids when he has kids and this dynamic. This is...

That's a big thing. That's a big thing. That's a big thing. So the next comment that also has a lot of upvotes says, it's actually, I think it's in response to the, if anything happens to their mom, they're moving with you permanently. And then this person goes on to say,

Yeah, and no such thing as I don't want to parent your child. That is unrealistic. Kids aren't going anywhere. If it's a choice of you, OP, or kids, he will choose his kids. Hopefully. At least if he's a good dad. Yeah. So I guess it's decision time for you then, OP. It's him and kids or you move on. You're not an asshole for not wanting to parent. It's what you want and you made it clear, but maybe the love fogged up your reality. Yep.

But it's a decision you'll have to be made with your eyes wide open. And then hold on. Someone else comments on that says one correction. If it's a choice of OP or kids, he should choose his kids.

If the OP can't handle that or if his relationship with OP is going to mean that he doesn't choose his kids over OP, then the relationship needs to end for everyone's sake and most of all the kids. Yeah. OP is not the asshole for wanting a child-free life, but that means their relationship needs to be with child-free people, right?

Not temporarily child-free or on a child-free schedule or child-free because they're ignoring their children, but really honestly and totally child-free. This man has children. Therefore, he is not child-free. Therefore, he is not a suitable partner for someone who wants to live a child-free life. Nah. Any comments from OP? So I've been looking around. Like if you click the account name at the top.

I'm so curious if... Oh, sorry, but someone commented this little quote. A fish may fall in love with a bird, but where will they live? Oh, that makes me not so mad at her because I get it. Okay, so top comment said, again, if anything happens to their mom, they're moving in with you permanently. OP responded to that saying, that's another story. And of course they would.

That's another story, but it's a story that you clearly didn't really consider because you don't have a child-free butt. You don't have like a butt clause, like a child-free unless there's circumstance, you know? Either way, it doesn't change your, I don't want kids. Like, and what's the reason you don't want kids? They're a lot of responsibility. They're free little thinkers and could be potential terrorists. Like it doesn't negate any of those reasons you chose to be child-free. And is that

a lottery you're willing to play. Right. Maybe. Like, likely, their mom will be okay and fine and healthy and this won't be an issue for you. But also, he is a dad forever. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And I think the point about like grandkids, like what about grandkids? More kids. There's going to be kids possibly if they have kids. Right. It's just like this is not it's not I don't know. Some people, I guess, can make it work, but I don't think it's fair to anyone involved. Totally. So someone said info. So you freaked out after having to watch his daughters for one day. Opie commented, yes, comma or no. Yeah.

I freaked that he just dropped them in my place without telling me. Like, it's something I need to accept. Sounds like a communication issue. Yeah, that's a weird breakdown there. Yeah. Someone commented, how delusional are you? You are not more important than his kids. That is why child-free people and parents are just incompatible. She said, where did I say I was more important? She's really distracting. Like, she's picking such odd points in their comments to respond to. Like...

trying to distract from the real issue at hand. Totally. So someone commented, you are the asshole. When you date someone with kids, they're a part of the package. I'm child free and this is ridiculous. If you think he's going to drop his kids for you, they will always be in his life because it's his fucking children. Don't date me with children. Obviously it's a deal breaker and they will be in his life forever. Yeah. OP says, where did I say I wanted him to drop his children for me?

It has happened before where he had to switch weeks and he just tells me he can't see me that week. Why are people not bothering to read properly? Where did I state I wanted him to choose me? Where did I say he shouldn't take care of his children? He has always put his girls first and I always respected that. I love that about him, that he puts his daughters first because I didn't have this kind of parent growing up.

Okay, so that might be why. But she also did say, like, I envision a life with him when his kids are grown and gone. Like, you do kind of envision them being gone eventually. And also, like, I did say this relationship isn't fair to anyone involved. Like, she's getting him half the time. No. Like, you're okay only seeing your partner half time? Like, I want to be with someone I want all the time. Like, I want...

four weeks out of the month we're living in a house together obviously traveling and whatever like life but yeah like you're you're basically being treated almost like the opposite of the kids right like you know what I mean yeah absolutely like you're another kid that he splits custody with I feel like she

she is being pretty delusional like in every single comment she's answering a lot of these questions with questions like where did i say i wanted to take him from his children so defensive where did i say i want it's like yes you may not be saying that explicitly read between the lines girl but your expectations are saying that in some way yeah because you're implying that once these children grow up and leave the house that you're going to envision this perfect married life together and think about what that really means like

Unless, I guess we are kind of putting words in her mouth now. Like unless she's saying like, oh, when they're drinking age and I can crack open a beer with them, I'm not really going to care anymore. I guess what, yeah, what defines a kid? I'm child free. Does that relationship change then when they turn 18 and you're cool with it? You're ready to kick it. Right. But also probably not. It's still going to be awkward because you ignored them for 10 years and now all of a sudden they're an adult and it's cool. Yeah. And also like she said something about how

um he normally gives me a heads up and like you know whatever kind of thing yeah the thing with children is that they're unpredictable they're so unpredictable with a child is so unpredictable they get sick the mom gets sick things happen what if one of them gets term god forbid terminally ill no one's gonna give you a heads up are you in it for the long haul like when you date someone with kids

you're getting into a relationship with the kids too. This is ridiculous. The more I think about it, it's so freaking unfair to everybody involved. Everyone. These kids are going to grow up to freaking hate you. You're going to be constantly fighting upstream the entire time when they learn about the fact that you didn't rejected them and would only see their dad on their off weeks. I get it in one way. It's out of respect to the children. Don't have them have a relationship with you if you're not going to be around. Mm-hmm.

But this is just, you're incompatible. Yeah. I agree with all these comments. And I'm actually surprised that no one has pointed out the fact that these girls could go on to have kids. It's a possibility. And therefore, there will be kids in the picture again. It's like, this is just stupid. It's stupid. It's really. And you can tell she's so defensive based on her responses. Yeah. Like, just not trying to like...

really move past all these issues that people are bringing up because she's in such denial. She wants to preserve this relationship no matter what. And the reality is you probably shouldn't

Like, does he have to keep an apartment? You guys are engaged. Maybe you get married. Does he have to keep an apartment until his kids are over 18? Yeah. And then if they are over 18, can then they stay at your place? Like, what does life really look like? I don't know. It doesn't sound fun. What's that saying? Like, denial is a river in Africa? Oh, that's a Wendy Williams quote. That is this right here. Like, you weren't such freaking... Denial is a river in Africa.

Egypt. Oh my God, in Egypt, not Africa. Yes. Like you are denying this life that you are like inadvertently signing up for. And it gets kind of baffling to me because like she claims that they're so in love and they're so compatible and like every other way. If that's me, like again, this is me kind of like almost forcing my view on it. I would probably just accept the kids at that point. I'd be like, I love you so much. And these kids are an extension of you. Therefore, I love the kids. Yeah.

it i don't personally don't have any kids myself but these are your kids and i love you and i love your life and i love them well and i wonder if like in a lot of people's heads there's a difference between being totally child free or like really i just don't personally want to have children there's definitely a difference there yeah there's for sure a difference there i think she's in the first boat she seems like she's very no kids no kids no which if that's the case

This is done. This is done. It gotta be done. Done. Cut it. Call it. So put a fork in me, piggy. I'm done. Yep. Whatever that one is. There's a bunch of more comments if people want to go read this on their own. Okay. Okay. OP is replying left and right here. And this is like, this is hot off the press. Like there are comments like 12, four hours ago. So this is fresh. This is fresh. Happening live before our eyes. We'll see if there's like an update. Maybe they let's look for an update. Yeah. I'm really curious how this one ends.

Real curious. Real curious. Okay, one last short and sweet one to cap us off here. Okay. It is coming from Am I the Asshole? Unusual Tooth 753. Am I the asshole for telling my brother it's pathetic that he can't do the basics of what his wife did? Hmm.

I love my sister-in-law and brother. They have two kids, and my sister-in-law, Rachel, was kind of a stay-at-home mom. She worked from home part-time, but also took care of the kids and all the chores. I was over multiple times, and the house was always spotless. Really, I thought she was just extra cleaning when she had guests, but no.

When I had my kid, she showed me her schedule. She would be up at five for meal prepping for the whole day, like she never stopped, and a lot of her tips helped me with my own home. Now, my brother lost his job, and it was decided that Rachel would go back to work full-time, and he would stay at home. The kids are in kindergarten and first grade. He has this on easy mode.

I've been over to help him sometimes since he just sucks at it. The house is always a mess. The kids are usually late to school. He asked me to drive them after the school talked to him. He doesn't cook. It's just sad.

He got in an argument with his wife since dinner wasn't done and she had to make it. He was ranting about how it's unfair and that he is trying. I told him it's pathetic. He can't do the basics of what his wife did. He has eight hours free and he can't keep the house clean. I told him she will divorce him if he doesn't stop being lazy and figure it out. He left after calling me a jerk and my mom is now on me for what I said. Am I the asshole? No.

I don't think she's the asshole. I think she stepped out of bounds a little bit on certain things, but...

No, I would say the same shit to Ryan. Oh, I think sometimes as siblings, like if you have a sibling, you know, sometimes you got to call them on their shit. Because who else is going to? No one. Oftentimes your parents won't. No, I have to. Ryan is my brother. I have to be so I have to lean in on him so hard. I would say this to Ryan so, so fast. But here's the thing. What I didn't like was where she's like, your wife's going to divorce you.

I think that's like a little bit of a, like, don't, you know, unless, like, she hasn't expressed, it doesn't sound like the sister-in-law expressed to her that she's like thinking about divorce. So I think that's a little bit of like,

a foul move. A little foul. But I don't think telling him this, like, he is being pathetic. This is pathetic behavior. These kids are at school the whole day. You're a grown ass man. What's he doing? I've said this before and I'll say it again. The one thing I cannot handle is when people just prove to be inept. Unless you have something like restricting, restraining, whatever, like,

limiting your ability, you should be able to do the bare minimum. And to me, this is like not asking for the world and you can't even do that. Like you have help, you have support, you have someone telling you and coaching you, guiding you. The kids are gone. I'm sorry to hear you lost your job, but like if then you got to step up in another way. Oh, right. Yeah. You've got to be a partner. You've got to pull your weight. This is a team.

To me, this is pathetic behavior. And if it were my brother, I would be so quick on him. And I'd be like, this is pathetic. Pull it together. I would help him and show him how to do things the way she was saying. But like, no, you're not an asshole. This is a reality check.

I, yeah, I think it's really interesting. Like this woman was working part time from home, two young kids getting up at 5 a.m. to meal prep for the day. As a super mom would. Like insanity. And these kids are now both at school, kindergarten, first grade. He can't even get them to school on time. Yeah, she was getting up at 5 a.m. and he can't even get them to school on time.

He doesn't have to cook meals for the kids throughout the day. He just has to do dinner. Oh, my God. The house is a mess. The house can't be clean. What is he doing with his time? Yeah. And I get maybe there's mental health stuff going on. Maybe there's depression because he did lose his job. That's an ego hit. That's saddening. That could be really taking a toll. But...

Like, what are you doing then? What are you doing? Like, could you find part time work? Could you get out of the house and be happier and feel more confident in yourself and more fulfilled? Yep. But like right now, what are you doing with your time? Yeah.

And it's not fair for your wife. Your wife did all of this before. And then you're not working. She's carrying this extra load and she still has to come home and cook. This is a really unfair balance and it would be exhausting. Yeah, I think a more fair statement for the sister would have been,

Your wife's going to burn out. Your wife's going to resent you. Your wife is going to – it's going to be really hard on your wife. I don't know. This could cause her to really question the stability of this. For sure. But I think saying the wife's going to divorce you, like, I get it. I get the intent there. But, like, I think that's a little bit of, like, a bridge too far. But –

I don't think they're the asshole. No, not the asshole at all. Top comment does say that. Not the asshole. She worked part time and did it all. He has no job at all and can't even somewhat cut it. How the fuck were the kids late? I mean, one time can always happen, but consistently. Yeah. I think being a stay at home parent is hard. But with both kids going to school, he should have the time to do most of it.

OP responds, the kids are supposed to be dropped off at 7.30 to 8. Class is at 8.15. He has been getting them there at 8.30 most days. It's not even a couple minutes. No, I don't get it. I've been late a few times, but the school has to talk to him about it. Yeah. Hell, the bus is an option, but you have to wake up earlier for that. Yeah, like you said, there could be obviously mental health issues in the background as well.

We only know what the information we're presented with. Of course, I'm sure this is hard. It's an adjustment, but like pull it together. There is a bit of an update. OP goes, thank you for the mac and cheese recipes. I love my sister-in-law and my mom apologized to me. Rachel sent my mom what the kitchen and house looks like. The messages from the school and apparently a text argument about how he shouldn't be doing this.

She gave him two options, get his shit together or get out. I learned a lot more about the situation and learned he wasn't packing the kids' lunches the last two days. I think he just broke his marriage. Yeah, you're like proving to be...

At this point, it's like kind of sad. Like there could be some, like you said, like something bigger going on. There seems to be, right? Like you don't have to- Well, there's a trend, right? Like you lose your job. Yeah. Now you're like not even, you're like low-key neglecting your children, right? Like-

Enough of a... You didn't feed your kids. You didn't feed your kids. Like that's... And you're not getting your kids to school on time. Like this repetitive... It's almost like you're showing that you're not able to stay above water. Yeah. And there could be some... Like maybe he's not even able to secure his own oxygen mask. That's what it is. You know? It's gotta be. You know, like you feel a little bad. It's like you're struggling. But it's like then you need to go get the help that you need.

You need to get help in your life. Like, you know, your kids cannot suffer this. You got to find a way. Your kids can't go hungry at school. Like... Yeah. I mean, God, I...

Well, it's also just like it's a breeding ground for something bad to happen. It is. This small form of neglect where you're forgetting to do something simple like feed them a lunch. What if one of them needs a medication? Are you going to forget to administer that? Are you going to forget to pick them up one day? Are you going to forget to hold their hand while you're crossing the road and something bad happens? This negligence. Yeah.

can be really, really bad with kids where they're young. They're really young kids. So it's like for safety purposes and for the well-being of the children and everybody involved, like this guy's got to step aside here. He needs some help. And if it is mental health, it's bad. But no one has mentioned mental health. I mean, I'm scrolling way, way down. I had to scroll like

I had to reload the page multiple times to even find a mention of mental health. But there is one, finally. Info needed. How is your brother doing mentally since he lost his job? Losing a job can be a real blow for a lot of reasons. And if he's struggling with that, it could affect his performance as a stay-at-home parent, which then also builds on mental struggles because he's failing at that too. Right.

My original reaction was that this is in fact pathetic, that he can't manage the kids, even with a learning curve of routine and skills he might not have. But if he's feeling depressed, then that makes a whole world of difference. OP responds, he's still doing his hobbies and has never mentioned any mental issues. He's never had a history of depression for my knowledge. In his rants, he goes on about how it's unfair, but never mentions any signs of depression.

Well, men are less likely to vocalize things like depression and emotions like that. So I wouldn't necessarily discount his mental health struggle simply because he's not verbalizing it. And him sticking to his hobbies, it seems like, okay, well, if he has the energy and the brain power for that, but it could be that back to your point about like his ego. Those are the things that he feels good at and make him feel good. So he's going to stick to his strengths. Yeah. And he's avoiding the things that he's failing at. A hundred percent. I think this is, I don't, sadly, I wonder like,

If he did have his job and they were both working at this point, like I do wonder if he's a active parent or

after school hours. Like, you know what I mean? Like he's not, it doesn't sound like he's capable of being an active parent right now, being a stay-at-home parent. Like that's kind of the same, like similar tasks you do after school, like preparing meals and doing these things. And it's like, was this lady really just doing it all? And he just went to work and came home and like. Yeah, no, like how was he showing up? How was he showing up? Because I feel like people, I feel like parents show up differently now

when they want to versus when they have to. Right? And so it's like, yeah, was he able to show up as a parent for like the two easy hours of the day where it was like in between dinner and bedtime? Yes. Or was he not at all? And it's just, it's so much more glaring now because more responsibilities on him. Yeah. I would love an update on this one too. Yeah. So many updates required, but at least we had some updates for the early ones. Yeah, I know. Those were good ones. Oh, I love this. Well, that is all I have today.

For this episode of Too Hot Takes. We didn't introduce ourselves. We'll get there after we say goodbye. But there is so much fun stuff happening right now. If you didn't catch it, I did a Spotify masterclass with them about podcasting and incorporating your listeners. That will be linked in the description for this episode. Amazing Patreon content coming this month.

There's a live show in Minnesota, September 26th at the University of Minnesota.

If you're a student, faculty, or know someone that is, you can go with them. But it's totally free. So come say hi. Wow. Yeah. Free show. Wow. No free promo, but actually free promo. Yeah. And we're going to be getting to campus a little early. So if you're in the area and want to come say hi, that would also be really fun. But other than that, happy fall. Everyone is kind of going back to school. Whoa.

Getting into the swing of things. September. So I hope you all are doing well, adjusting accordingly, happily, healthily. Love. Yeah. What a great sign off. But love you all. Thank you all so much for your support. It means the absolute world wouldn't be here doing this without you. Mm-hmm.

especially my little co-host over there. Thank you for showing up on such a tough day. Thank you. Oh, you're just battling. I'm battling. So be kind, be kind, be nice, lead with empathy. Yes. Give the same benefit of the doubt that we give these strangers on Reddit. Most of them. Most of them. Most of them. Most of them. But until next time, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.