122: Don't Send Me a Bill.. Ft. Chris Klemens
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Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.

Visit Safeway.com for more details. Just a reminder to subscribe. Thank you. Yeah. Okay, Ariana. Yeah. All right, let's lay down a track. Yeah. Sorry, these microphones are very professional. Aren't they so good? I'm like... Holy shit. That was me pooping this morning. Do you do karaoke? Yeah. I love karaoke, except I have to do it like...

With three months in between because I go so hard that I like Yeah Pop like blood vessels I so see that for you I could see you going on The Masked Singer Honestly don't even play with me I think you should I'm at that point in my career where I'm like okay I think we're You should 1000% I'm in like the Dancing with the Stars like in the Masked Singer era of my career right now We're needing a revival

I would be there. So you agree? No, but I would be there with the biggest sign supporting you. I think you'd win. Thank you. I honestly think. Some of them are really bad. It's like shocking that they go on. I'm like, not all these bitches can sing. No. Like, show me the auto-tune.

Yeah. There's even this one... I'll make AI sing for me. Okay, so that's kind of the thing. There's autotune. That's kind of like the T-Pain where you think autotune, where it's really turned up. But there's also this program in music called Melodyne. Yes, it's great. You can literally alter each part of the song. Yes, each note. It's fucked up. You can totally change the way someone sounds. I'm this close to being a pop star. I want my boyfriend, because he's in music, I want him to...

just like put out a track just to see if I could like get it to do anything. I'm just so curious. I love this idea. You want one too? He can easily do it. Wait, like kind of. He's a producer. This is what he does. We're going to have a meeting after. Next time you're in LA, we'll get you in the studio. Don't even. A session in the still. I think it. No. Even if you dropped on your YouTube, like think of how well it could do. Think of how cringy it could be.

It could be. I mean, you always have that risk. Even all these stories that I picked for you today, people could be like, this is terrible. I'm so nervous. I don't even know what to expect. Well, the theme today is don't send me a bill. Love that. Never send me a bill. Don't send me a bill for your therapy, you guys. Because I know these stories are horrendous. I know we are going to cause some trauma today. But I don't care. I don't want your bill. Oh my god, that's a...

Yeah. Hey! Oh my god, I was like, who are you looking at? That's mine. I was like, is someone behind me? That's yours. Oh my god, nice to meet you guys. Oh, I was angling this way. We have one over there. Oh my...

Ryan Seacrest? Where? I have extreme paranoia that I'm going to have something go wrong, so I have like four cameras. No, that's the way to do it. I get really nervous. No, that's really smart. Also, fuck me. First of all, thank you Spotify for hosting me on my New York adventure this week. It's been amazing being here and having Millie and Ray help me. They're incredible. I'll give them a bonus. Also...

Today, I'm so bad about introducing my guests. No, me too. I'm horrendous. I still got it. So today I'm joined by the amazing Chris Clemens. Hello. Give people your pitch. You have been a YouTube creator. You're on TikTok. I have. You have a farm. I have a farm. You like plants. I'm not the farm. Yeah, so I started uploading YouTube videos like over 10 years ago. The word YouTuber wasn't a thing. I didn't tell people for like the first year because I was like,

This is a lightning round for bullying. And so I was just bored. I did it, stuck with it. Now everybody is on the fucking internet and I'm trying to get off of it. Yeah, I'm just kind of everywhere and nowhere at the same time. I feel that. I feel like my whole life lately has been like...

a drug-induced fever dream. Yeah, we can't. I can't deep dive into that because it could get real dark. Like, I just don't know what's going on. And, like, people ask me stuff. They're like, oh, like, what have you been up to lately? And I'm like, I honestly don't remember. And, like, you, I went on your show, which you guys need to listen. It's such a fun episode. On Hinge with Chris Clemons. So good. But you were like, what's some funny summer stories? And I was like, I don't remember. I don't, like, remember yesterday. I think, for me at least, I'm going to

Like, blame it on the gummies. You know? I'm an active proponent. I could see that. Same. Okay. I hope you can because it's the truth. It's the truth. Okay, I think I've hit everything on my checklist. So, are you ready? I was born semi-ready. Okay. Getting less ready by the day. I think this is going to go okay. I'm excited. Okay. It's going to go just a fucking solid okay. I'm like...

I'll take it. I'm here. I didn't sleep in past my alarms. I did find good stories. So I think we're going to be good. I would just like to personally thank you for pushing this recording time to one. 11 a.m. Girl, I was horizontal. I was still sleeping. Oh, no. I was like very much not present. As people see me with my ginger ale and my coffee. It's the only thing keeping me from not throwing up right now.

Oh, got it. Yeah, I can't drink ginger ale anymore because when I would stay home from school sick, that's what my mom would give me. And so now I just immediately associate the taste to like the barf bucket I would hold. You Pavlov'd yourself. Sure. Whatever that is. Sounds hot. Pavlov'd. Sorry, I can't talk right now. I'm Pavloving. There is a guy. What is that actually before I really run with that joke? I'm like, oh dear.

So Pavlovin is where you like condition yourself to associate one response with another. I'm Pavlov in this town, bitch. Life of Pavlov. One of our original stories on this show was a guy that the only way he could come was by pooping at the same time. So he went to a girl's house and was having sex with her, came and accidentally shit on her floor. Yeah.

That's the kind of stuff we have. Well, guys, thanks so much for listening to this episode. This was a blast. Thank you so much for having me. Bye. I have to go speak to my therapist. I'm like, whoa. Oh my God, today's Thursday. I do have therapy. Thank God, because you're going to need it after this. I'm excited. I really am. I love hearing...

About bigger messes than me. Okay. Well, I'm going to. I'm hoping that's the case of what's going to happen because if not, I'm going to feel worse. I'm going to mess you up from the beginning. Good. Let's dive in. My parents already did. So let's do it again. Round two. Ding, ding. Okay. So this first one is vintage vintage. It's four years old. It is coming from throw it away now. Three, two, six, four off of the off my chest subreddit.

What? Now, wait a damn minute. Okay. What does off my chest mean? Like, you can't segue from some guy shitting on a floor to off my chest. There's a bunch of different subreddits. Is it like just like admitting things? Yes. You just need to clear the air. I didn't know if it was... Okay. Yeah. I'll just listen. It is titled, I accidentally got my sister pregnant and we aren't telling anyone to make her rich husband believe it's his. Oh, God. Oh, fucking what? What?

I mean, apparently sister, but what? Yeah. My sister and I grew up very close. We are close in age. I'm 22 and she's 25. So we got to experience a lot of life things around the same time. Because of that, we became best friends super early on.

Growing up, I was absolutely never attracted to her in any sort of way. Yeah, it's your sister, bro. I also believe it's worth stating that I have never had any sort of brother-slash-sister fetish or any sort of incest fetish either. And after everything that's happened, I still don't.

Three years ago, I started college and moved to a different state. A few weeks ago, my sister's longtime boyfriend asked her to marry him. It's the first time I was ever really super far away from my family, and it bothered me really badly. I got super bad depression and became really homesick. Around seven months later, I got to fly back home and see my family for my sister's wedding day. It was one of the biggest days of my life, seeing my best friend marry the man of her dreams."

I'm just like, hit us with the punchline. Like, girl, stop dragging it out. Now, a tiny bit of backstory here. Her husband's dad is insanely wealthy, a really big name in the pharmaceutical business. He not only paid 100% for their huge wedding, but also bought them a gorgeous house in full, apparently with a check, as a wedding gift from mom and dad.

I went back to college and life back home went on normally. I was still really depressed and homesick, but decided to do what I had to do and just push on. I was able to visit back home a few more times because of holidays. The one time I went back home other than for a holiday was a surprise party for my parents' 30th anniversary.

Usually when I went home, I would get picked up at the airport by my dad and I would stay at their house in a spare bedroom. But because this was a big secret, my sister picked me up and I was staying at her house for the five days I was in town. The party was great and everything went wonderful. There was a lot of alcohol there and I definitely drank my fair share. The party ended around 10 p.m. My sister and I were both pretty drunk and took an Uber back to her house about 15 minutes away.

Her husband works long hours and was unable to take off work this day, and by the time we got home, he was already asleep in their bedroom. We decided to go into the spare bedroom that I was sleeping in just to catch up and talk.

We chatted for around half an hour, just talking about life and shit. We were both pretty drunk, and at this point, it was getting pretty late. I had to pee, and I told her I would be right back. So I got up and walked into the bathroom attached to the bedroom I was staying in and started to pee. Didn't think anything of it.

When I walked back into the room, my sister was laughing. I asked her what was so funny when she admitted, quote, I somehow managed to go 22 years without seeing your dick. I was super confused and sort of embarrassed. I asked her what she was talking about. She told me that she could see into the bathroom mirror, which reflected where I was standing to pee. Well, was it worth the wait? I

I drunkenly said, laughing at her. Just like that, the mood in the room completely changed. No, no, no. It was like someone flipped a switch. No! We kept bantering back and forth for a few minutes when out of absolutely nowhere, I started kissing her on the lips pretty aggressively. I immediately realized what I was doing and started to pull away when she grabbed onto my head and pulled me back.

Oh my God. I'm just trying to get out of here in my brain. Oh my God. Oh my God. What? What? What in the West Virginia is happening?

You could have said Westeros too, but you never saw Game of Thrones. I didn't. We talked all about that. I got extremely turned on and she did too. There's some things that even on Reddit you should just omit. Sorry. I didn't feel like we were brother and sister at all. It felt like we were longtime friends who finally gave into each other's lust. Thank you.

Things got heated quickly, and before we knew it, we were having sex. It lasted for around 10 minutes before we both finished. We laughed it off nervously and got dressed quickly. We chatted for just a little bit longer before finally deciding to call it a night.

It felt so wrong and weird afterwards. The rest of my trip was super awkward. Us having to pretend that everything was normal with this being the biggest thing on our mind was challenging. But before I knew it, my trip was over and I went back to college. Weeks later, I received a text from my sister asking if I had some time to talk alone. My heart sank because I knew it was going to be about that night.

I put it off for hours before finally calling her. She called me to tell me that she was pregnant and she's 100% certain that the baby is mine. I was speechless. I wasn't expecting something like this at all. We talked and tried to figure out what we should do. We were concerned in a situation that was so above our heads that we couldn't even figure out where to start. Abortion came into discussion multiple times, but neither of us wanted that.

We decided that it would be best to act like her husband is the father and raise it like that, so without ever telling anyone because of how wealthy his family is. No, the baby is going to come out with six foreheads. She is due the week of June 10th. Absolutely no one knows or has even the slightest clue. This is a secret that my sister and I put our life on to protect.

The end.

What did I sign up for? Where am I? This is a windowless room. I'm fucking terrified. What just happened? I just put us all through hell. I'm sorry. If it got to the point...

where I got my sibling pregnant, I would get her a private jet to the nearest Planned Parenthood. I would say, I don't give a fuck. Yeah. This baby is not happening. No, there's no... I'm sorry. I'm very pro-choice at that. But like...

You can't. You can't. You can't. What? The genetics? Your brother and sister? I just read something about like America's most inbred family. It's like they talk to each other in like grunts and barks. Stop. I'm dead fucking serious. If I like even knew where I read this, I would find it. My face just started tingling when you said that. No, it's, that's all I was thinking about listening to this. I was like, that kid is going to come out going. That's insane. Yeah, this is really bad.

Oh, I just have nothing to say. There's another story on Reddit where this girl found out on her mom's deathbed or her mom got like really drunk one night or something. And she found out that her parents were actually twins and ran away from their home in Germany to the United States so that they could be together. And so her and her siblings were all like... Inbred. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Honestly, this has made me feel really solid about my life. I feel amazing. No, I'm like hangover where? What? I feel great. I feel like totally revived. No, I really feel like you're not doing so bad, Chris. Have you really been questioning your own life recently? Just like feeling really? Is it turning 29? Because I kind of feel that. I don't know. I just feel like I've peaked.

And that's like a pretty tough pill to swallow. Yeah. You know? God, my face won't stop tingling now. It's so crazy. Well, why is it tingling after that story? I wouldn't admit that. I don't know. It's just like, I'm just, I feel like I'm going to pass out. It was so bad. That was, like, maybe something should stay on your chest. I think so too. Like, that's, like, that's something, even as an anonymous thing, you can waterboard out of me. I know. It'd be like, did you have, and I would be like, I did not have sexual relations with that woman. Yeah.

Period. No, there's no way. There's no way. And like also, what is the husband going to do when the baby comes out looking only like his wife and brother?

And also as if he's not rich enough to get many paternity tests. I was just thinking that as if he's like, we haven't had sex. Well, and just like timing wise, like, like guys aren't that dumb. Like he could easily figure it out. They are, but not all. Well, yeah. But like the family being that rich, I could see it like being like it's almost a prerequisite where every child they automatically do a paternity test.

Or just like they know when one's coming. Like they plan it. They're like, okay, you're going to have a baby and this is going to be the heir to the throne or whatever. I could see this family doing a DNA test, honestly. Same. Oh my God. 100%. I'm like, ooh.

Get rid of the baby. Do we know if they had it? Well, so this post is vintage. It's four years old. And he said she was due June 10th. It's June 15th. So at this point in time, this child is four years old out in the world somewhere.

I don't think there's ever been an update. Oh my God. Like, not that I really want one, but I sort of do need some sort of closure on this. I would love one. As much as I've like heard enough. Wow. I kind of need to know. If there's a four-year-old out there and you look like your mom and uncle, let me... Oh God, that was...

Wow. I'm not seeing an update. I am seeing like another like Quora thing though that is like I got my sister pregnant. What do I do? No. Like so this, you know. This is just happening to people. Yeah. There's a couple other Reddit stories too. I got my 16-year-old sister pregnant. What happens if you get your sister pregnant?

How do I tell my parents that I got both of my... Oh, God. Please don't be both... How do I tell my parents that I got both of my sisters pregnant? Stop fucking your sister. Let alone sisters. It's so bad.

This is so scary. And it's not even like step-siblings, which wouldn't be as bad. I really do think that would be better. No, I agree with that just based off of genetic-wise. Okay, that's not the same DNA. It's not ideal. No, but at least you're not blood-related. Exactly. You're only like...

socially related. Yeah. If that makes sense. If you want to hook up with your step-siblings, I'm so... I mean, I'm still not into it just for the... I would like to make that just excruciatingly clear. Still, if I had step-siblings, would not be into. Hard pass. What if, like, the love of your life ended up being, like, a step-sibling that you met at, like, this age? If I met them before and they became a step-sibling? Like, what do you think about Gossip Girl, like, Dan and Serena? I never watched Gossip Girl. Oh, my God, Chris. I only watched the...

You haven't seen anything. So if I love you, then I must kiss you back. Because I was a Hilary Duff stan, and so when she guest starred on, I was like... Oh, it was good. She was good. I watched, and then I was like, what is this? And then they had a threesome, and I was like, whoa. I was like, guys, don't be shy. Show more. Gossip Girl was crazy, actually. I do think I would like it, and I need to go back and watch it. But...

Were they step-siblings? Yeah. And they were hooking up? Well, yeah, and they actually shared a sibling. It comes out spoiler alert. No! Funny enough, spoiler alert. Everyone listening, if you haven't watched Gossip Girl, just like quickly, pass this. I figured out Gossip Girl without ever watching it. Really? Some of them was like, they were like, oh, but the whole series, you try and find out who Gossip Girl is. It's the poor kid in Brooklyn. And they were like,

Have you seen it? And I was like, no, it just makes sense. Like Shutter Island, I saw the trailer for.

And another spoiler, unless you don't want to find out the ending of Shutter Island. Passed. I was like, oh, he's the 93rd patient or whatever. I never saw that one. Oh, well, whoopsies. Now I feel uncultured. Passed that. Yeah, you don't watch anything. No, it's okay. I Google the end of movies before I finish them because I just need to know. So it's fine. I like spoilers. I hate surprises. I mean, same, but like...

It's only a two-hour movie, you know? I don't have the patience for that. I mean, I do understand. Life is short. I respect and understand. And yet so long. So long. Especially if you're these people. Top comment on this one is Alabama for 100. Wait, so I'm going to unculture myself even further. I don't know how to use Reddit or like really understand it. It's not too bad. So people can then comment to this. Yeah.

Another fucking reason why I would just never tell anybody this to have strangers on the internet comment. Oh, yeah. That would be the last fucking straw I would need in this scenario. Some people are really supportive, though. Like, and it is supportive people for this. Yeah. Yeah. What?

Someone shares a link for an article on the whole concept of genetic sexual attraction. So there's this whole phenomenon where people are more attracted to people genetically linked to them. So say like a girl never met her dad and encounters him in the wild. She could be extremely attracted to him just on pure happenstance that like, I don't know. I don't know the science behind it, but it's a thing.

You're like attracted to people that are genetically close to you. Wow. I'm learning more than I ever did in 16 years of education. Yeah. So someone after that goes, dude, sorry this is happening. That being said, I know you'll be a kick-ass uncle. No! He's the dad! He's the dad! Kick-ass uncle!

Someone goes, but what if he looks nothing like the father and he gets suspicious and gets a DNA test and finds out, dog, you better be ready to watch hubby like a hawk. Kill people to make sure that DNA sample is tainted or run away or move someplace with your sister bride where this is socially acceptable. West Virginia, take me home. Yeah. Oh, my God.

It's bad. God, please tell me all the stories aren't this crazy. You're like, oh, girl, you're on the wrong podcast. Yeah, they're not great. Okay. You know what? I'm down. Like, I know it's not happening to me. So therefore, I feel good. Yeah. Some people get, I used to say, oh, my God, you're getting secondhand stress. And people are like, Morgan, that's fucking empathy. Oh, my God. Am I just an empath? Yeah. Oh, my. I'm just an empath. Yeah. Such an accomplishment for you. I know. It really is. It's an honor and a privilege. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on all your personal care favorites. Now, through August 27th, save up to $3 or more when you purchase participating personal care items like Pampers Wipes, Gillette Razors, Metamucil, Crest Toothpaste, Secret Body Spray, and a Swiffer Power Mop.

The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit Safeway.com for more details.

Moving along, because speaking of paternity tests. No. Yeah. This one is... Wendy Williams is shaking right now. Or like Maury or whoever. Maury? Yeah. Who was the other one? Jerry. Jerry Springer. Rest in peace. Didn't he die? I'm pretty sure he's dead. Oh my God, I met him. He was so nice. Wait, really? Yeah. You read and I'll look up if Jerry Springer's dead. Not to break this news to you, but whoopsies.

Yeah, he died April 27, 2023. Oh my God, like recently. Yeah, like a few months ago. Damn. Wow, I thought that was like honestly within the last month. Time is flying. It's really flying. Damn, he was such a little cutie. He was really nice. Really nice guy. Was he? So nice. One of the nicest celebrities I've met. Oh.

Yeah, him and Mark Cuban. Cool people. Oh, he's the Shark Tank guy? Yeah. Super nice guy. I've gotten really about it knowing who people are. Like, I used to be such a celebrity stan, like, in my Delaware era when I, like, grew up. Like, there was no fame or entertainment industry. Okay. And so I'd always be like, celebrities, like, whoa.

Oh, and now that I'm on the side of it, I'm like, okay. I don't care. I don't know who people are. I just know all of their names weirdly, but I pronounce them wrong. Oh, that's a given. There's not a name I can pronounce correctly. No, I forget every name and then people get mad at me. So this one is posted from Puddles Puddled.

It is titled, Am I the Asshole for Calling My Friend an Idiot for Wanting a Maternity Test? How long ago was this posted? This one has been posted on 2-23-2022, so. Oh, so like within the last year and a half or so. Yeah, a year before Jerry Springer died. Oh, sorry, Pete.

My friend Dan recently found out he might be a father. I say might because the girl he's been having an on-slash-off relationship with, Cara, is pregnant, and he's not sure if he's the dad. She offered to get a paternity test once the baby is born and doesn't expect any kind of support until they find out if the baby is his.

He's on board with that and appreciates that she's not pushing him into fatherhood if the baby isn't his. Yeah, that's respectful. The issue is that when he was talking to me about it, he also said he wants to get a maternity test done to make sure the baby is hers.

Kara is visibly pregnant. We know she's pregnant because she did a maternity photo shoot and posted it on social media. So it's obvious she's not faking being pregnant. We've both seen her in person too, and she's most definitely pregnant. However, Dan believes that the baby might not be hers.

I tried to explain to him that that's not how biology works. I was going to say, I might call him an idiot. I mean, Jesus. And unless she got an embryo implanted in her, she's definitely the mother. Yeah. She's a waitress and works for minimum wage plus tips, so I doubt she has the money to afford embryo implantation.

Plus, it's ridiculous to think that she'd do all of that just to baby trap a guy who is unemployed and living with his parents at 32. Oh, these people brought the Carfax. Plus, he's never donated sperm. He's genuinely convinced that the baby might not biologically be hers, despite not only me, his mom, and our other friends explaining that that's not how babies slash pregnancy work. Denial is a river in Egypt! Yeah!

He's still insisting on a maternity test and told me that I was being ridiculous and that I'm the one who doesn't understand biology, despite me studying to be an autopsy pathologist, which has required quite literally years of biology classes. I got fed up and called him a senseless idiot and told him to call me when he got his head screwed up back on straight.

Period. Ever since then, he's been spamming my phone and has gotten a couple of our friends to spam me as well, telling me I'm being insensitive and he's just stressed about possibly being a dad. So, am I the asshole for calling my friend an idiot? No, he sounds like a fucking flat earther. He does sound like a flat earther. Like, what? No, if someone was like, you're being an idiot over if she's the mom? Google is free. I mean, common sense is fucking free.

Like, I'm really confused. He seems like he's just really stressed about this and is like in denial, literally. He seems in denial. Yeah, like 32, like that's a decent time to become a dad. I think so. Like busted in disguise. But neither of them sound like they are ready like financially to be a parent. It is expensive. But at least he lives at home. His parents can help babysit. That's so true. Yeah, I told my mom, I'm like, you're going to move in with me, lady.

I'm not doing this. Suddenly she's like, hey, I'm moving to Portofino. Goodbye. She told me absolutely not. Yeah, I don't blame her. She's like, I'm done parenting. I said, I'm not having kids otherwise. We made a deal. She goes, okay, fine. I'll live with you for the first year. And I'm like, okay, cool. Oh my God. What in the fucking shark tank is happening? Of course you met Mark Cuban. He's probably like, I love you. And for those reasons, I'm in.

Yeah, this is wild. I am so confused by this. I don't understand if he just, like, thinks people are kind of like chickens where, like, you have to sit on the egg or, like, shove it up your vagina and then that's how it, like, hatches. I don't know. I don't get his stupidity. Yeah, I don't get his stupidity either. Like, I think the friend was being...

really kind by calling him a senseless idiot. Honestly, I think there's a lot more that I could have called him based off of just this little vignette. The top comment on this one is tell him that to help with his stress, you found a free maternity test. Stand in a delivery room and see if a baby shoots out of her hoo-ha. Not the asshole. Hope the baby inherits the mom's intelligence. I mean, yeah. I

If I were the mom, I'd be like, I'm not carrying this through if you're this fucking stupid. Honestly, like, common sense is not super common. No, it's really rare, I'm finding. Like, I understand the paternity test because that's the only variable. Unless she was like a wealthy woman who could get an embryo transplant. But if she's a waitress making minimum wage...

I don't even know. How much is an embryo transplant? I mean, I would think like thousands, like 10, 50, like 10,000, 50,000. It's probably going to be like 2,500. I'm scared.

The average cost for a frozen embryo transfer is $3,000 to $5,000. If you plan on using an egg donor, which would be the case for her, the overall cost will be higher from $25,000 to $30,000 for just one cycle. So that's if you use someone else's. Which is what he's concerned about. Got it. So I was going to say, okay, she could have done the $3,000 to $5,000. Yeah. You know, that's save-up-able. Yeah, I probably made that a month of surveying with like...

One of my good restaurants. Yeah. Like that's doable. But 25, I don't think. 30K is like some people's yearly salaries. Like that's a lot of money for some people. If she's using that to pull a fast one on him, I don't, I just don't see that. Yeah. And also if she's going to pay that, why wouldn't she just let someone else carry the baby? Honestly, I think if she was going to do that, you think she would baby trap someone like if,

If I was going to baby trap someone, it would be a billionaire. Like point blank, period. Like why would it be this guy that's 32 living at home with his parents? Which, not to shame, but like that wouldn't be my first choice, especially given the status of his IQ. I couldn't agree more. Yeah. That is, you're not the asshole, doll. No. You're not. No, I would have thrown a book at him.

a book yeah bitch i would have started with like a rock minimum maybe that'll knock something into his head okay this one was a little tame to kind of give us a break before this next one no i was like okay we really did just start off hot okay now we're getting heavy

Hey there, it's Ryan Seacrest for Safeway. Take care of yourself this summer and save on personal care items at your local store. Now through August 27th, get extra discounts when you purchase participating items like Dove Beauty Bar, Dove Body Wash, Dove Men Plus Care Body Wash or deodorant, Dove Shampoo, Trace-A-May Shampoo and Axe Body Spray. The more you buy, the more you save. Catch these deals before they're gone. Offer ends August 27th. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary.

Visit Safeway.com for more details. Trigger warning for this one, you guys. It is the coconut story again. But I thought Chris's reaction would be incredible just knowing him. And it's not going to disappoint if you can handle it. Have you ever heard of the Reddit coconut story? Hmm?

Okay, so there is an infamous story... This is why I don't go on Reddit. Honestly, I'm, like, traumatized. Yeah, this is... So there's a story about a coconut on Reddit? Yes, so it is...

I have like another story that plays off of it. So I have to give you the background first. Oh, God. And the listeners are going to be like, Morgan, you read this. I did. I gave it to Brie and Grace a couple weeks ago. But I think Chris's reaction is honestly going to be 1,000% worth hearing it twice. I don't know, guys. Is that all I am to you? Just a little clown? Dance, monkey, dance. Get in line.

Okay, so this is a little vintage. It's from the Tiffy subreddit, which stands for Today I Fucked Up. Oh God, I'd live on that one. And it's called Today I Fucked Up by Coming Into a Coconut.

Anyways, around eight years back, I lived in northern Zimbabwe, a coastal southern African country with quite a warm climate. My mother at the time was going through a health nut phase and only buying foods she deemed healthy enough. One of those was coconuts. She would buy several coconuts a week to use in food from the local market. Anyways, one afternoon, I hear that my mother is going out for pretty much the entire afternoon. I'm like, what?

Horny me decides that it would be fantastic to fuck a coconut. Honestly, to this day, I can't fathom why I thought that would be a good idea, but my train of thought back then was clearly somewhat clogged.

I end up grabbing the coconut drill and through 20-ish minutes of concerted effort, end up creating a hole large enough for me to stick my porker into. Might not, I mean, come on, any other word besides porker. I decide it requires some lube and grab the nearest slippery thing, some butter, before shoving it into the coconut, followed shortly by my meat.

I fuck the coconut and it actually feels pretty damn good. So I blow my load, shove the coconut under my bed, and continue about my day. For the next week, the coconut is my savior. Whenever I want to get off, I simply take it out and fuck it in its delightfully tight hole, made better each time by accumulating volumes of my semen and butter, acting as a lubricant. I'm gonna...

Throw up. I am on an empty stomach right now and I am going to vomit. I mean, not the idea of fucking a fruit because like, listen. Have you tried it? No. I can say that honestly. I understand it is what I'm saying. Honestly, I would try it. Like after Call Me By Your Name, I was like, have I thought about multiple times fucking like an orange or a cantaloupe would be my first choice.

Whoa, you're so fucking right. A cantaloupe would 100% be my first choice. You're so fucking, like, see, so, like, I get that. Yeah. But it's like, bro, empty it out at least. After each time. Yeah, like, that's what I'm getting grossed out at. He's like, it's filling up more and more with my cum and butter. Oh, my God. And then you just stick it back under your bed. Yeah.

So he adds after that the accumulating volumes of my semen, blah, blah, blah. I just got awful chills. It's heaven. About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck, I had been using it pretty much every day since then, I began to notice a few more flies than usual, as well as an odd...

unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut, right? No shit, Bill Nye. So I decide that I'll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one. Worst mistake I ever made. You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs.

As I penetrate the coconut one last time, I began to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is covered in rotted and moldy butter and semen and teeming with tiny fucking maggots. I might actually vomit. I might like literally vomit. That is so... Oh my God, that is like so repulsive. Oh my God, that is...

Worse than the fucking your sister story, hands down. No, they're actually both pretty bad. That is... Okay. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I won't read the rest. No, I mean, I need to hear the rest. I've heard, I feel like the worst part. Unless I haven't. They were wriggling all over my dickhead and some were even trying to force their way up into my ear. That's what I was worried about. That's what I was worried about. Holy...

Well, what I don't get is something like a coconut is very replaceable. It's such a sustainable little fleshlight. Get a new one. Are they expensive? I don't know, but so is getting a dick replacement because maggots lit up your urethra. Literally, they use maggots in hospitals to eat dead flesh. Ugh! Even worse! Ugh!

This is the worst day of your life. This is really up there. I think I need a tissue. Oh my God. I need a fucking lobotomy. Oh my God. I'm going to throw up.

Like the second that there were flies in my room, I would be like, it's the coconut time to get rid of it. I don't know why I bothered with makeup today. Oh my God. I don't know why I bothered with coming here today. Oh, fuck.

I mean, what the fuck? Okay. So how did it end? Is he now a maggot? That's it. But... So this is like a viral story on Reddit? So viral. So like a lot of people tried it after him. No! No!

Yeah. Oh, they tried it, but like didn't keep it for weeks. I don't think a lot of people like kept it. Okay, good. But like one person was like, today I fucked up by not listening to a Tiffy post and getting my dick stuck in a coconut. And that person even drew a picture of what it looked like when their dick got stuck in the coconut. So we had a nice visual for that.

Wow, you should get your dick checked out, bro. I mean, all of these people should. So the next story I'm going to read that continues off this is someone that doesn't even have a dick. And fucked a coconut? It's titled, Today I Fucked Up by Being Creative with a Coconut Despite Being Penisless. Okay, let's just all brace ourselves for impact. Namaste, namaste, namaste, or whatever. Okay.

You're killing it. Okay. So as with the trend continues with bad decisions with coconuts, here I am. As everyone has undoubtedly read already, someone screwed up masturbating with a coconut and others got curious with it too. Initially, I laughed at it, wondering how anyone could screw up this. But eventually that humor turned to curiosity and that curiosity turned to a challenge. Not me buying a coconut on the way home. Yeah.

Like, hi, do you have a drill?

The challenge being I do not have a penis. I used coconut for lube before, and frankly, it's smooth, comfortable, and smells great after. For whatever reason, either it being an echo chamber or how combined stupidity seems less stupid, I've decided to overcome said challenge by creating a makeshift dildo. I started off by hammering the coconut and then later reshaping or cutting the coconut into a more insertable shape.

This is where things probably started to go wrong. My first whack at it, the shape, in my opinion, came out perfect. Small, rounded, kind of like a thin triangle with a rounded edge.

What? So straight to the bathroom I go giggling at this stupid challenge slash experiment. I start off rubbing it slowly on me to get into the mood and honestly the smell of coconut, the confusion to the whole situation, it turned me on. With vigor and reckless abandon, I decided to be braver at it and try the tip.

The hair of the fruit brushing against me as I played around more gave a new weird sensation, and as I pushed harder in, slowly but surely, that fruity snack sank in.

This is so bad. I didn't read it before. Okay. Sure. I'm still confused on how she reshaped a coconut, but like... They're very solid. They're very solid and very round. Yeah. I'm like, how big is this woman's vagina? Some people get fisted. I guess, but that... This versus a coconut is like four of these. Wow.

I don't... Is it a coconut like this big? I think there's different breeds of coconuts. Oh, okay. How stupid of me. This is where my mistake, too, happened. The dried coconut on the outside... Yeah, this is where the mistake happened, for sure. The dried coconut on the outside may have felt nice, but when it popped in, the sensation was odd, disgusting, and I guess crawly?

creepy? Anyway, it did not feel good. In a rush to start over, I yanked the thing out as fast as possible. Mistake three, this is where I strike out. Turns out the coconut wasn't all that smooth. There were tiny cracks and sharp edges I failed to take account for, along with the hair of the coconut creating tiny friction against my insides. One of the edge caught on and tore me a new one.

I now have a painful tear in my unmentionables, and I can't explain it to anyone. Oh, now she calls them her unmentionables. Please, now that you've shoved a raw coconut in there. Oh, my unmentionables. At first, it was like the period from hell, but it gets worse. For the whole day, anytime I tried to pee, a searing pain would come through, reminding me of my stupidity. Walking is also an issue. I was basically a penguin.

I believe I'll recover, but now the whole hype of this has washed out. I realize the shame I feel will never stop. Nor should it. No. Electric chair. I mean, no, I think she suffered enough with the coconut. But...

See, this is the person I need a drawn diagram for. Like, what did this... Was it just a piece of a coconut? Like, she just, like, beat the shit out of it until she found a piece that was rounded? I'm wondering if it was, like, almost like a sliver. You know how when you cut cantaloupe, you can cut, like, a triangular... That's so... I wonder if she cut that and then was, like, rubbing it and then decided to shove it up, thinking, like, the curve of it might hit her G-spot or something. I don't... I don't know. Wow. This...

I just don't have anything to respond. I'm pretty shocked. Well, and I'm trying to see if this person posted a picture like the other one did of when their dick got stuck. But there's no diagram for us on this. That's probably for the best. Yeah. Although I would love to know what the fuck she's talking about. Yeah, someone asked how old are you. Ha ha ha!

It was me. I was like, how the fuck old are you? They were 19 at the time of doing this. This one's pretty old, too. Well, 19 is like, I feel like an age where it's like, okay, I'm going to experiment with a fruit. Well, especially like 19, you might not be comfortable enough to buy a sex toy yet. Exactly. That's what I'm talking about. It's like, you have to get crafty, but still, the fuck? I know. It's bad. Yeah.

It's crazy. Someone else is like, don't put things in your vagina that aren't supposed to be in there. Just trying to save you some trouble. Coconut oil is a great lube. It 100% is. Yeah, it is. But an actual coconut for pleasuring yourself? Just no. And OP goes, hey, I know that now. Honestly, stupidity is infectious. Ugh, poor choice of words for my predicament. Oop.

That's crazy. Top comment on this one is step one, get a coconut. Step two, avoid the mistakes the other OPs made. Step three, fuck the coconut. Four, question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark. Five, today I fucked up.

I think there was one person that I saw too that escalated from watermelon. Oh, I can imagine that feeling good. Yeah. It's like today I fucked up reading a comment about fucking a watermelon on a post about fucking a pineapple. No. A pineapple you should just know better. No. And that's what I want to go back to on the coconut. No, with the pineapple though, what if you took out that stalk?

And then you had the tunnel. I need more ideas like this, like a third fucking leg. I think a pineapple, especially an overly ripe one, I think would be supportive, but also squishy. Why am I contemplating doing this now? Like, why am I seriously in my head? I think you should do a YouTube series about the different types of fruit and rate them. No, no, no, no, no, no. Well...

I think it's, honestly. Yeah, I'm pretty open. That's, like, pretty good. You fucking shared you're getting your asshole waxed. This would be. That is true. This would be perfect for you. Yeah, but there's a difference between, like, showing something we all got and then, like, showing my literal third leg. Well, no. You know? Like. You're not putting it on porn. So true. I just, like, do it and not film it. Yeah. And then give the report. And then you just rate them.

Yeah, I think that would be the final nail in my coffin on YouTube. Like, I think they'd be like, we have to legally delete this channel. Would they demonetize you? No, but they just fucking hate me. Do they really? Well, I can't talk about anything with weed. Like, if you say anything positive about marijuana, they're like, er. I'm surprised they haven't shut us down yet. I'm like, okay, but people can talk about their Xanax prescriptions. Go off, I guess. Yeah. Anyways, back to the coconut. Yeah.

I don't understand how that didn't hurt his dick. Like,

the initial barrier, like the outside, like that's not a soft circle. No. So I was wondering if he over carved the top. And then like really played with it inside. Yeah. Okay. That's kind of the math I'm, this is where I'm at now. Great. Yeah. Doing the logistics of coconut fucking. I think there are important questions to ask. I really do. I think sometimes just to put our minds at peace a little, you kind of have to evaluate

Every angle? Every edge? I don't know, I guess. Yeah. Clearly this...

this poster didn't evaluate every single edge. No, I just don't. I really am kind of wondering the size of his penis because drill bits like I was thinking the same. Don't get that bit. When I was like, oh, if I got like when I made the joke of like, oh, I'm thinking about getting a coconut. I was like, I don't even know what drill bit I would use. No, like there's especially if it's a handheld drill. I think the biggest one I have is this. And like, that's cute. I don't think my thumb could fit into that. So I'm wondering if he like created the initial hole and then went, er,

around the edges I've tried that well I guess a coconut's different than like a clay pot but I've tried it on wood and it's still very challenging yeah that's what I'm saying is like on a clay pot I was like trying to make the hole bigger and I was like so I could fuck it no I was it was an old candle pot that I was drilling a hole in so I could use it as a planter keep telling everyone that

Okay, listen, I will not be strung along with these idiots, okay? I'm dumb, but not this fucking stupid. Yeah, this is... Why do I want to fuck a fruit now? I wish I had a dick. If I had a dick, I one million percent would. If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on him.

I would do it. I would try that too. Yeah, honestly, a watermelon sounds really enjoyable. Because you push watermelon and it dissolves. It crushes. Yeah. Be hydrating. Probably good for your skin. Yeah. There's a lot of watermelon face masks nowadays. I know. Glow recipe, hi. Well, and people...

They talk about semen being good for facials too So like watermelon plus your jizz after Like this could be This could be the new A new thing The new Gwyneth Paltrow skin routine I just smelled one of her perfumes yesterday Was it her pussy one? It's literally labeled This is what my vagina smells like What did it smell like? Amazing

I really, I'm going to stop at the bleaker goop store and get it after this. Is there a bleaker goop store? Yeah, it's right at the bleaker train stop. Do you want me to drive you there? You drove here? Yeah, I have a car. Where'd you park? Around the corner. Oh my God. There's always parking. It's always overpriced, but there's always parking. Actually, I need to see if they're charging my damn car. They always say, oh yeah, we'll charge your car. And then I get back and it's like, has less power. I'm like, did you go somewhere? Yeah, they took it for a joyride. They just went whoop. Okay, cute. They are.

Okay, moving along. How many more left? And like, just tell me what we got. That was only number three. No, the first one truly was the worst. Like, these other ones are just like, what an idiot. That first one was like, what an idiot. Yeah. And we're the same species. Like, that was pretty...

It depends on how bad we want to keep going. I'll let you make this... I'm down. I'm down. I'm here for the ride. I've really... You've embraced it now? I've embraced it. I still will probably be on the verge of throwing up. Okay. Well, this one's about a fetish. Okay, let's hear it. Okay. What's the weirdest fetish you've heard of? Oh, God. Whenever anybody asks me of a superlative, I'm like... My brain goes... Blank. Same. Crickets. Same. I'm like...

Maybe after hearing it, you'll be like, oh, I thought... Yeah, I'll think of it while you tell the story so we just don't have hours of dead air. Okay, cool. So this one is nine days old. It's very recent. Oh, she's fresh. Fresh off the press. Fresh. It's coming from off my chest. No. It is titled, My Partner Has Death Grip Syndrome, and I Actually Like It. Ooh. Yeah.

My partner has death grip syndrome, which effectively means he has to squeeze his dick too hard while masturbating. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I thought this was like a choking fetish or something. Holy shit, he's death gripping his dick? For so long, pretty much nothing else can make him cum. At first, it made me insecure. I hated feeling like I couldn't make him cum. I dreamed of one day being enough for

for someone to actually come inside me. But after figuring out what it was and talking to him, I put it in his hands, haha, to fix the problem. They're so proud of that. I don't have an issue with masturbation or even porn to some degree, but if he wanted to fix it, he'd likely have to be abstinent and retrain himself. I wasn't going to mother him into that, so I told him, do it or don't. In the meantime, I decided if we were going to have sex, I was going to enjoy it.

The problem wasn't me. He lasts forever. That part. He loves giving head, and because of his death grip syndrome, he can go round after round. I don't give head or anything very much because it's not enough for him, but I offer regularly. I offer a lot, actually, but he hasn't seemed to be able to do anything but come on my tits with his own right hand. At the end...

At this point, I get off four to five times and he gets off maybe once. Sounds like I would, like if I were this dude, I would want to retrain this shit. Like it just doesn't seem sustainable. It sounds like a lot of energy. It sounds like a lot of work.

Maybe, dot, dot, dot. He doesn't always choose to finish himself off. It's his problem, and I've stopped letting it make me sad. Good. He still likes having sex. He participates and initiates. It's kind of nice. In fact, I really like it. Pull-out method works great this way. And use oral birth control as well. But this is a great secondary method.

It's not an actual method. Don't use the pull-out method. That's how you get pregnant. That is literally how you get pregnant. There are no chances for accident. Yes, there are. With the pull-out method, there's only chances for accidents. I've given him the ground to speak for what he wants, and if he doesn't want death grip syndrome, he can work through it. But in the interim, I pretty much have unlimited great sex with little to no risk of pregnancy. I have to say, this makes me happy.

Good for her. They found each other. Look at them. They found each other. Beautiful. Wow. He actually makes a woman finish. Multiple times. Four to five times. Good for him, honestly. Wow. I love this. That was, dare I say, refreshing. I will say, has this man heard of a cock ring? Oh my gosh. They're so good. They're great. I got the best one recently that goes under and over and has a little- Under and over what? Under.

Oh, the sack. I'll pull up my Amazon order. Oh my God. I love that you supply cock rings to the masses. Yeah. Do you have one that I can take home as a goodie bag? You're going to want this after. No, I really might. I think I need to start having...

like toys for people actually because the girls I was talking about like the favorite vibrator I keep buying everyone and like me and all my friends and they were like damn you should have gave that to us as a party gift I'm so excited to see this it's like actually crazy okay so this is what it looks like and it's got a little shaped banana at the top for extra stimulation oh my god okay so yeah I've definitely had one that is like this but doesn't have the top part no it doesn't have the top vibrator part yeah but the vibrator part was like

Behind the ball sack So it would like Get your Taint or whatever Okay And it really is Enjoyable Yeah I think you could Reverse this one But that's lit though Because you get a cock ring And the girl gets a A nice little clit rub Yep Genius Which is Impeccable Best of everything That really is Okay I'm gonna have to get that Yeah I'll send you the link I'll post it I can't

I can't post it in the description. It's on my Amazon storefront. Well, here's the problem. I did post the link for the vibrator on the YouTube description on one of the videos, and YouTube was not happy with me. You're in YouTube hell with me. Welcome. I'm your leader. You're overlord. So, yeah, I can't post the link, but... Oh, my God. That is epic. I'll share the name, and you can easily find it on Amazon. Okay.

The top comment on this post is, I've had some partners with death grip. It takes a long time for them to get off and they got to beat their dick like it owes them money. Their feelings about it are varied. Some of them are like, ah, I'm a sex machine, but others are super bummed about it. It's a strange thing. I would be bummed about it. Any guy going, oh, I'm a sex machine. Run the other direction.

Run any direction. If you would you do this to someone or would you be scared? I just honestly like I'm down for sex to be a workout. Death grip for that long. I know my hand would cramp. Like I have carpal tunnel arthritis. One of them or both. Honestly, I think I might have both. Yeah. And I don't like it's not that I wouldn't.

not want to do it because of hurting them yeah I don't want to strain my arm for that long no like I wouldn't even do that for myself no it would hurt that's like a lot of like a yeah and then what you have to like work the head like I just don't get it no tell this person to fucking take two weeks off yeah

Or like five days. Yeah, just... A month. I don't know. This just doesn't seem sustainable for the dude. No. Does he realize he could be doing so much less? That's the thing about men. Like, they could be doing so much less and they have no idea because their ego and pride gets in the way. Yeah. I'll say it till the day I die. I think the one where you need to get kicked in the balls to come is probably my most interesting one I've heard. That's a thing? Mm-hmm.

Oh my god, I sit on one of my nuts wrong and I'm like, whoa, it's the end, there's the light, and I'm coming, not on it, towards it. Like, I mean, kicking the ball to come? Yeah. Balls? Unless I'm speaking to Lance Armstrong. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah. And then I think the horse one where they dress up as a little horse with a ball gag in their mouth and get whipped, I think that's probably more normal than these two. There's some really...

Fun ones. Wow, and the whole time I'm realizing I didn't think of a single kink that I think is like... I'm so vanilla. I just am fascinated by all of them. I'm not like vanilla, but I'm like... I'm like a black and white milkshake, you know? I'm not like fully crazy. I like to starfish. But I'm...

Starfish? Oh, just lay there. Who doesn't? Anybody who says that they don't like to lay there... They're lying. ...is lying. I'm not saying you have to lay there every time, but like... Sometimes I'm generous. Oh my God. Yeah, and sometimes it's fun to like be kinky and shit. But it's like a lot of times... Papa's tired. That's such a gross term to use as we're talking about sex. Papa's tired. Ugh.

But like, no, I mean, I just don't understand when people are like, I hate when people just lay there. You've never done it. You've never just sat there and said, wow, is this Christmas morning or what? Yeah. Bye. Yeah. I love a starfish. Same here.

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Visit Safeway.com for more details. Have you ever pooped yourself? Girl, I've done it in a YouTube video that I posted. I was dying my hair leopard print and I thought it was a fart. See, it always happens because I trust the fart. If there's anything I should trust less... Wait, huh? I don't get the...

I don't understand where I was going with that. I trust the fart way too much and I really should not. I don't. I really don't trust my farts. No, you're smart. You're smart. I always hold them in. And I think that's a big part of why I don't fart in front of people really because I don't trust mine because like a lot of times I'll just like go pee and think it's a fart and it's

all of a sudden, like, diarrhea. No, there's definitely times where I know exactly, like, what is going to come out if I fart. Yeah. And then I don't do it. Yeah. I mean, obviously. So this is also from Off My Chest, but it's from a listener. She sent me the link to it this morning. Oh my God, I'm obsessed that you're, like, listeners. Yeah. I'm proud for these things, too. Yeah, because I was asking them, I'm like, what's the worst... Can I be your co-host? This is fun. You...

You can come on whenever you want. Oh my God. Anytime. This is like fun. Once I got past the initial shock, I'm like, let's fucking go. Next time I might come a little stoned, but. Down. I've never done a gummy episode. I would 100%. You'd be the perfect one to do it. I wouldn't be able to read. I'd laugh my ass off. Oh my God. I'll read. I mean, no. You saw me read on my podcast. You did a great job. No. You did really good. Thank you.

Really good. Chris read an amazing story about Pedro Pascal getting pink eye from letting his fans reenact his death scene on Game of Thrones. Which I didn't know anything, but wow. And then you were the one who did the math that meant his fans had shit on their hands. Shit, poop, or didn't wash them and had some sort of bacteria. That's so fucking gross. I called someone out the other day and they walked out of the bathroom. Like a stranger? No, a family member. Okay. And they...

They walked out of the bathroom and I didn't hear the sink go. And I go, did you wash your hands? Like, no. And I was like, after the three years we just had, I'm like, I'm like, you need to go back in there. And they were like, well, I didn't really touch anything besides my dick. And I go, but what if you touch another person next? Like, what if, what if someone went to shake your hand and you had just touched your dick?

I don't know why guys think their dick is clean. No. Like, it's sitting pretty next to your butthole. And it's just, like, gets sweaty. Yeah. Like, we sweat. No, 100%. I, um, I, like, really appreciated COVID because no one shook hands. And now this trip, I, like... Everyone's shaking hands again. Everyone's shaking hands again. I'm like, what's wrong with the elbow? I know. I loved the elbow. Loved it.

The foot. The foot tap. Did you actively use that one? Yeah. I loved the foot tap. Why do we not... I never had anyone do that. Just a... Oh, that's cute. It's so fucking cute. It's like a little secret hand... Yes! On Parent Trap? Yes! Or what is that? Is that Parent Trap? Parent Trap. Parent Trap. Parent Trap. You killed it. Oh my God, it was so cute. Same page. Yeah, so I love the foot tap. I want to bring that out. And now everybody's shaking hands. I'm like... Yeah. Get your nasty sausage fingers away. And I can say that because...

Sausage fingers, bitch. I... Oof. Yeah. No, I don't... Not into it. We gotta stop that. Okay, so this one, it's posted eight months old, but she gave it to me because... And this was off the chest. Yeah, and she said she was like, Reddit, it didn't blow up. She only got two upvotes on it, which means like no one saw it. Oh, okay. Is upvote mean like a like? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm Chris and I'm a boomer. What is that? What's an upvote? I like it. It is titled, I carried my own poop in my bag for nearly 10 miles. Holy shit. Wow. What an interesting time to take a sip of a freshly opened La Croix.

Yeah.

I was trying to be so slick, not get you demonetized. I'm like doing downward dog under the table, just trying to get a puff. Shit. And then I'm hearing just cackling. My mouth is drooling. I'm like, Jesus Christ. So we hit the bong and then went to the kitchen to have a full English breakfast.

This is like my dream morning routine. That sounds great. A full English breakfast, by the way. Those get shit on way too much. Those beans, phenomenal. She says that. As I was finishing off my baked beans, I saw the time and realized I had just over 10 minutes to get the bus home and in time for work. So I ran to get my things and quickly use the bathroom. Turns out I needed the biggest shit of my life, which was refusing to flush down his tiny ass toilet.

I was running out of time till my bus and I had to think fast. My first thought was to wrap it in a toilet roll, which was a huge fail as it just absorbed the water and stuck to the poo. Yes, I had to pick it up with my hands. I was planning to wrap it up and put it next. I was planning to wrap it up and put it in the bin next to the toilet. Did she just not want to like have her boyfriend see her shit? Yeah.

But I immediately realized how disgusting that would have been. Next, I thought I should throw it out the window. But what if it lands in the gutter? His bedroom is in the attic. Or even if it didn't, someone in his family would just go out there and just find a human poo on the garden floor.

I was really starting to panic at this point as I was so close to missing the bus, which would have meant being late for work. I was high as fuck, so I was freaking out even more than I usually would. Oh my God. And I couldn't think of any way out of the situation. When I checked my phone, I had no time left, so I grabbed a t-shirt out of my bag, one of my favorites, R.I.P., wrapped it around the giant shit with wet toilet paper stuck to it, and ran downstairs to find my boyfriend waiting to say goodbye.

Yeah.

Because it was already so hot and the little bus will be like an oven. But also a t-shirt isn't like a plastic bag. It's just going to get wet and shit covered and stain everything in your bag. Yeah, you should have just asked for a plunger. You should have just said, babe, take care of it.

So,

So I get on the hot, sweaty bus, high, paranoid, and certain everyone could smell the shit in my bag. And now I'm wondering how I'm going to talk to my mom when I get home when I'm super blazed and smell like shit. I get home and run straight upstairs and shout down that I'm going to be late for work. I jump in the shower, put on my uniform, and I'm immediately out the door, barely speaking to my mom.

The supermarket I work at is about a 30-minute uphill walk from my house. I'm still high. It's really hot outside. And as I'm 10 minutes into the walk, I realize I still have a fucking shit in my handbag.

My own fucking shit in my fucking handbag. I was so determined to avoid my mom and get to work. My high ass didn't even think to take it out and dispose of it in my mom's toilet. And now I'm nearly at Tesco and I still have poop in my bag.

Unfortunately, the closest bin was right outside my work. So I put my whole bag in the bin and go to the staff room like nothing happened. I then spent the rest of the day scanning customers' groceries, traumatized about what I'd been up to. And I've had to live with this information all my life and have been too embarrassed to tell anyone. I guess I could have just told my boyfriend I couldn't flush. I guess. I guess. And didn't have time to wait for it.

But we were still fresh in our relationship, and I couldn't stand the thought of him getting rid of my giant shit while I'm not even there. That seems like best case scenario. Feels good to get that off my chest. Sorry for the long read. Wow. There are so many times where, I mean, this isn't great of me to say. In that scenario, I would use the litter card. If I had to walk, I would have taken that t-shirt, put her to rest in a field or whatever. Yeah.

And kept going. Honestly. It's not great, but neither is throwing away all of this. Yeah, including the bag. I'm glad she did, though, because that couldn't have been good still. No, it's a biohazard. If she was okay with throwing out the bag, I think that was the move. I agree. Like, just start a new life. Change your name. Burn your fingerprints. Yeah.

Absolutely. You can't keep that anymore. I have a problem though with holding on to things. So I'm going to be honest and everyone will be probably grossed out by this even more so. You haven't done that. Did you write that? No. Okay. Good to know. I haven't pooped myself yet. I've come really close on this trip though. You've never pooped yourself? No. Because I don't trust my farts. So I really clench. And like I've had to like stop, clench and deep breathe and not move. And then I continue walking once the feeling passes. Okay.

I'm trying to clench a fart right now. Okay. Don't trust it. No, I'm not. I can't do that on another video on YouTube. God.

Come on. But I would be so sad to throw away my favorite t-shirt. I would have like on the walk somewhere, found a bush, taken it out, like gave the t-shirt like a wave, like a rug, you know, when you're getting dust out of a rug. No, I know what you're talking about, but you would not do this. Yeah. And then I'd roll it back up, walk into Tesco where I work, get a plastic grocery bag, go back outside or in the staff bathroom and put it in the bag, tie it up, maybe multiple bags to layer it. Yeah.

and then go home and wash it. I just don't understand. I'm not wasteful. No, I get that. But, like, even when I shit my pants, I'm not keeping the underwear. No? I'm not, like...

I mean, now I have like a utility sink at my house. So like, maybe. Oh, those are so nice. Yeah, those are great. But like, I'm not washing my shit into my bathroom sink. That's even worse to me. Yeah. Then it, what, like speckling on my toothbrush and shit? No. Well,

Well... Getting in my drain? No. So here's the thing. No. That's a dead on arrival. There's a big movement to not use disposable diapers. So there's actually like fabric diapers that have a washable lining. And so you just buy the little hose attachment for your toilet, aka a Shatafa. And you...

That's what they're called in the Middle East, apparently. I'm probably pronouncing it wrong again. And so you just take the diaper off your kid and hold it in the toilet and then spray it with the hose. And then after all the poop particles are off of it, then you wash it. Yeah, I don't.

I'm all for saving the earth. I don't know if that's the solution. I think, like, let's maybe start with taxing giant corporations. You know? Like, that vibe. Absolutely. That vibe. Absolutely. I would also just be scared that, like, even when I wash my dishes in the sink and I use, like, the high-pressure sprayer. Oh, it'll spray everywhere. It sprays you. That's what I'm saying is, like, I'm all for saving the planet. I'm all for also not having...

my house wallpapered and shit yeah I in that story I don't understand why the girl didn't get a garbage bag a normal bat like there had to have been yeah like your favorite there had to have been a less favorite t-shirt available like honestly or just that's where I'm just like if I were in that situation I'm not I would not be like oh my god there's my favorite t-shirt

I think I would have thrown it out the window because like... 100% and then washed my hands and then never touched them again. People would have thought it was like a sick raccoon or something. Exactly. And if it splat and hit the ground, it would look like Bambi had diarrhea. Yeah. I mean, I see a lot of shit on sidewalks in LA and it is...

It is very hard to tell if it's a dog or a human a lot of times. Yeah. Sometimes you can clearly tell, but like a lot of times you can't. No. And like a big Doberman, like their shits look human. Like they're big. They're big. They're big.

Those dogs that have like a three-hand picker-upper, I'm like, no, that's out of my capacity. No. I would need a wrangler for that. Which she could have doggy-styled this too and been like, hey, babe, can you give me a grocery bag? And then scooped it, reversed the bag. But that's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. There was no trash bag in the kitchen she could have called down for. Hey, I need a trash bag for work. Can you grab me one while I'm getting ready? Yeah. What do you need it for? Oh, it's this TikTok trend for my hair. Yeah. Like, I mean, maybe I'm just like a literal pathological liar. Who knows? I... But I just... Yeah. I feel like there's ways to lie and...

not have him know what the jig is. Yeah, this sounds really bad, but I'm a really good, like, quick liar to strangers. Same. Like, for returns, you know? Like, I don't lie to, like, people I know. Like, I'm very truthful about that, but, like... Or I don't lie over anything, like, important. Exactly. It's more so... But it's, like, if it's just to, like, save...

Two minutes of an awkward convo? I'm gonna. Or like to put Zara in their place. Like, hey, sorry. No, this came actually with makeup all over it. Or like, no, my fat ass didn't break the zipper. I got it like that. Bad quality. I don't think there's anything wrong with doing that to major corporations. Yeah. Okay. I think if you're doing that to like a little mom and pop store, that's like shitty. No, if I buy stuff from boutiques, I don't even return it. Yeah. Like if you're going to Target...

Sorry. That's what they've... Yeah. That's what they've done. But I just saw there's, like, a clothing, like...

hole that you can see from satellite now it's that big and it's all of these fast fashion brands like Shein that keep dumping all their stuff in these areas and it's literally got so much clothes in this area now you can see it from fucking space that's awful after finding that I will not shop at Shein yeah like I've never understood it Shein is worse I'm

I'm pretty sure I saw this like graphic, like a little pie chart. Shein is worse than like Zara and H&M combined. Yeah. It's really bad. Well, it's crazy. There's no way like this is what drives me crazy about like the clothing fashion industry. Yeah. And just like what it's become. Everyone like a T-shirt costs a lot.

More than $5 if you don't want someone who's like under the age of 10 to make it to make it like it costs like $30 to make a T-shirt and then to get a profit to maintain your business on top of that.

It's not, clothes are not cheap and should not be cheap to make because they are very difficult. Yeah. And that is what, I've never understood the sheen thing. I've heard that some of their fabrics like literally have carcinogens in them. Like I'm just, I've never understood it. And I'm never to knock someone because I obviously know I'm in a very like privileged place of my life.

And, like, I don't need to shop at a place to get a deal. Like, I can't afford a— And I understand that that is a luxury. Yeah. But, like, there's people with jobs and, like, salaries and shit who are, like, shopping. Like, it's going out of fucking style at Shein. And I'm like, why, though? Yeah. Like, why? Yeah.

I don't know. I don't remember what it was. It was like a staggering... I don't know why I just had trouble saying that. It was like a staggering amount of clothes, like a day or a week of new clothes that they would... Yeah. It's insane to me. I don't even know how we got... Oh, the throwing away the t-shirt. Yeah. So I probably just was a hypocrite. But I'm sorry. I'm not saying I throw away my t-shirts. But if there was a t-shirt wrapping my shit up like a present...

I would throw it out. Yeah. It's not great. No, I'd have a hard time with it. But maybe I would go outside and hose it if I had an option. Yeah, I think that's doable for sure. Because when it's outside, I'm like, okay, it's nature. Oh, my boyfriend made me so sad the other day. And like, this is why I do kind of understand where she was like, I didn't want to call him up. But he told me he's like, I don't want to tell you this. And I don't even remember how it came up. But he's like, I've seen your poop that you left in the toilet before.

And I'm like, no way. Why would he even say that? Just let that be a little secret and have it be casual. I know, I forgot how it came up. And save it for when you're like, oh, I don't want you to see me poopy. I know, I forgot. And then it's like, oh, I've already seen one. Yeah, yeah. We're still good. Yeah, well, maybe that's... To confront you about it is crazy.

I'm like, girl, you should run. I think it did come up in something casual like that. And he did say, he's like, I was like, what? No. He's like, I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to embarrass you or hurt your feelings. Oh my God, you better trap his ass. I literally just put my face under the covers and I'm like, no.

But like the gag is everyone poops. Yeah. It's not ideal to have people see your insides. I don't believe it was me. I think my dad used my toilet because I am very paranoid. I will stand there and like I'll flush four times and make sure it's gone before I walk out. So you're an eco-terrorist. Interesting. Yeah, but not as bad as Shein because they leave about 3 point, no, 6.3 million tons of carbon dioxide a year. Yeah.

My God. Yeah. That is, like, that should just be illegal. It should be. If you're making that much. Yeah. Like, maybe you should get shut down. I think they should. Wow, I'm shook by that. It's really bad.

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Visit Safeway.com for more details. Okay, we're going to lighten things up a little bit here for our last couple.

I'm going to do the... Are you kind of into like true crime or mysteries? I love... Oh my God. Okay, so we're going to end, I think, with this one. We're going to end? I just was getting started. Well, no, we got two. We got two. So this one is two days old. And knowing you're a plant person... What kind of plants? Like houseplants or the other ones? Don't you have houseplants? Yeah. Oh, I just didn't know if you were talking about like the ones that I inhaled a few minutes ago or... You like all plants. You don't discriminate. Yeah, I'm a plant activist. Okay.

So this one is titled, Am I the asshole for being pissed at my flatmate for taking plant cuttings without asking? This girl recently moved into our flat. Within one month of her moving in, I had noticed that some of my plants looked like someone had taken a cutting. It was only one or two plants, but I didn't think anything of it. A week later, I noticed someone had taken a cutting from my pothos. This one only had four leaves, so now I have three left. The new baby leaf had been taken. Mm-hmm.

I decided to ask everyone in the house about it. The new girl admitted to it. I told her it's okay, but to ask next time. Fast forward three weeks and more cuttings are missing. It's becoming noticeable even on my mature plants that are quite full. I knew it was her doing this, but I had never seen what she is doing with them. Today, I had to return her lighter to her after I used it.

She wasn't home, so I put it in her room and saw in the corner there was 15 pots with the cuttings from all different houseplants, along with six bottles full of water with more cutlings in them. Am I the asshole for being angry about this? I think I should confront her, but my partner thinks I should just let this go.

Confront her. I'd be so mad. I would give her an eviction letter. This would make me go crazy. Like, because then, like, you're questioning your sanity. Like, I had a friend whose roommate, like, was an actual kleptomaniac and would steal from all of them and, like, lie and hide about it. That sounds so stressful. It was. And, like, she's permanently traumatized from it. She, like,

Needed a lot of therapy. Yeah. I mean, I just think it's like rude to do without asking. Like. So weird. Especially one with three, four leaves on it. You're going to kill the plant. So is she like propagating them or whatever? Yeah, it sounds like it.

I'd be like, find a new flat, you fucking freeloader. There's like plant groups where you show up and like you bring your own little plants and like everyone like trades. Yeah. And does like the little cut thing. Just join one of those. It's not hard. I like accidentally stumbled upon one at a brewery one time. I was like really sad. It was in Minnesota because I wanted... There was this beautiful... I don't really know the names, but I think it was like a Montserrat, but it was like white. Whoa. It was...

Like an albino Monstera? Is that how you say it? I think so. Albino or Monstera? The second word. Monstera. Yeah. I think so. This is what it looked like. I was like, I definitely know how to pronounce albino. Yeah.

It's so beautiful. That is fucking gorgeous. And it was like mostly white with a little couple specks of green. Love that. And she would have given it to me, but I had to fly and I was like, I'll kill it. And I don't know how to propagate. Yeah, I don't either. That's the best. It's on my list. I would love to learn, but it does seem like a full-time job. Yeah. And I just don't have that in me. Yeah. So I'd be pissed. This lady is probably stealing thousands. Well, not maybe not thousands. Some plants are expensive. No.

No, some plans are very motherfucking expensive. I bought trees for my house. How much? Indoor trees. Funny enough, they were $420. For one tree? For one tree. Oh my god. I did get deals. Because I'm a deal, deal, deals kind of girl. I think I got them for like $350 each. Which is still a lot. Yeah. But...

It wasn't 420, so... Yeah. A win is a win. I recently was looking at trees because I really want to plant a fruitless olive tree at my house, like a big one. Yeah. And I don't want to wait for it to grow, and so I went to the nursery. Well, that's why mine were... The more... Yeah, the bigger, the more... The more expensive they are. Yeah, that's why. So this one...

I think it was like six years old or something. It was three grand for the tree. It's crazy. And at that point, I said, I'm going to stick an olive in the ground and see if it grows. Literally. Because there's... You could get an embryo insertion for that price. You could have an olive tree put in you. Oh my God.

You know? That's crazy that that's a comparable product. That is really crazy. Price. Like you can have a kid or a tree. Take a pick. It's kind of... And pick the tree. And pick the tree.

I can right now. That's kind of crazy. No, that is. I remember when I lived in New York before, you know, those like fiddle leaf trees. Oh, I love them. This is my life. People are like, I knew of that artist before they were famous. I knew the fiddle leaf before it was like hot and popping. Yeah, before Pottery Barn got a hold of it. Yes. Literally, I was like, oh my God, I was obsessed with it. I was like, I've never seen a tree like this because no one had them at the time, which was like so hard to imagine. I remember going, I lived in New York. I remember going to the Garden District and

I was like broken in college still. Okay. They were like $800, $900 for these things. And I was like, of course the plant that I love is a grand. I couldn't, and it wasn't even like, it was like a semi, like it had a trunk and some things, but like even the ones that weren't,

Or like 300 bucks. And I was, and then now Ikea has them for like $25. And I'm like, I was literally going to say kind of the upside of something getting super popular. I got mine at Costco for like 36 bucks and it was already big. Yeah.

It was already big. Oh, I'm shook. I have a... I'm pissed. I wonder if I have a picture. I like cried to some guy at one of the tree shops and I was like, please, I'm just so poor in college and all I want is this tree. So he gave me like this tiny little like one that was like kind of like should have been so much more. And I skateboarded home with it. And then... Oh my God, talented. Oh my God, I'm totally forgetting about this story. I was skateboarding and as I'm skateboarding,

A guy opens his door and I crash into the door. With the tree? With the tree in my hand. No. I have a picture somewhere on some hard drive from a past iPhone of me skateboarding with the tree in my hand. Oh my gosh. It was so stupid and then the tree died because my apartment got no sunlight, so. Oh, that is heartbreaking. Yeah, I've killed like six fiddle leaf figs. It's so sad, but. I need to tell my dad to water my plants. Oh.

Oh my God. I'm so excited to see my plants. I just got the... Holy shit, this is 29. I just got a ficus triangularis. Regardless. Oh my God, that sounds really bougie. It isn't. It was like pretty cheap. And like I got four different trees out of it. Like when I broke down the dirt and took it out, I looked at it and I was like, there's like three to five...

Oh my God. So I took it apart, put them all in different pots and now I have like a house full of trees. I'm obsessed. That's amazing. These are, these are mine. Oh,

Oh. And that's from January. That fiddle leaf, you fucking better work. There's two. I just saw the second one. I love the pot this one's in. Yeah. That's a stonin. It's from Lowe's. Lowe's is popping a waft. Yeah. Everyone go to Lowe's over Home Depot. I don't know why I have beef with Home Depot, but because I got like literally accosted there like multiple times. Yeah, and they have

They have worse... Well, I do think they have more options. Really? I do. Lowe's, sometimes I'm like, okay, I think we could diversify a little. Wow, I'm obsessed with your plants. Yeah. What's that one in the box up front, front and center? I don't know. I got it from my friend. His name is Edgar...

His name is Edgar Allen Plant. Shut up. And I resuscitated him. He was not thriving. Isn't that like the most fulfilling feeling? I just bought a tree that was like dying. And I'm like trying to get it back. And I'm like, I don't know if I'm doing it, but it's so exciting to like, you see like new growth and you're like, oh, they grow up so fast. I know. It's one thing that like actually genuinely makes me happy these days. And apparently like soil has like,

Curing properties? Does it really? Is it the nitrogen in it? I think... I'm just huffing dirt. I'm like... I don't know. That's what I've heard. But I've... Now that I have a house with, like, a yard, I've, like, gotten into gardening. Wow.

It's so, so cool. Like, I literally am like, I want to become a farmer. I have a little farm. We used to do a garden with my great-grandma. And we'd have carrots and potatoes. And then you would ride your horse to the Dairy Queen and get us all blizzards. Yeah, it was so good. Love that. I can't believe you rode your fucking horse to Dairy Queen. Yeah. Chester, his name is. He's a little brown one. Is he still alive? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, he was born in 2002, so he's 21 years old now. How long do horses live? They can live to like 35, sometimes 40. Whoa, I want a horse so bad. You absolutely should get one. I'll give you all the lessons on how to take care of it. See, but that's... It's so easy. No, like...

It's easy. I see TikToks of like people who like gives me chills thinking about it when they like clip the hoof and stuff. Oh, it doesn't hurt them though. I know, but I would be afraid that I would clip the tissue and then I would get like. You don't do it yourself. Oh, okay. You have a failure come. It's kind of like getting your nails done. You call the horse nail person, which is a failure. So what would I have to take care of then?

Just giving them hay. We can talk after this. I'm sorry. No, I like this. I'm not trying to have your podcast turn into like... You just give them hay and water. And like if you want to give them grain with special supplements like glucosamine for their joints. And you know, there's a bunch of special stuff. How much room do they need? Like a lot? Or are they like pretty chill? I mean, an acre or two would be good. So they can move around. And they need a buddy. So if you get a horse, like you have to at least get... What if I got mini ponies? Yeah. Have you seen Arnold Schwarzenegger? He has...

a house in Brentwood and he's got six acres and he's got a mini horse and a donkey and his TikTok videos with them I recently discovered and I have never been so obsessed with someone in my life. Oh my god, I also want to get a goat. Don't do the donkey over the goat. Wait, why? Goats have like really small pellet like poop like rabbits and they just poop poop

Thank you for that knowledge. Poop. Poop. Poop. All day. You knew exactly what to tell me to kill that dream. Or a pig. Donkey poop is easy. I want a pig. Poplar pigs are cute. I just want a farm. My neighbor is selling her house in two years, she said, and I'm on like just over half an acre. Buy it. And her house is half an acre. Then you'll have an acre. And then I'll have an acre and it's like, I want that. Do you have a barn? No, but I live right behind a barn. You should maybe buy the barn. The house I tried buying, I tried. What?

That house was way too expensive, though. And it was kind of really stupid. It was William Penn, the founder of Pennsylvania's home. Isn't that crazy? I was like, that shit's haunted for sure. Oh, 100%. I'll take the house next door and look at the barn. 100%. And honestly, it's a lot of upkeep having a lot of land. It is. Because that house I tried buying was like an acre and a half.

That's not that much. I didn't think it was that much. And it came with a full barn and like a full house. Yeah. That's actually kind of crazy on just an acre and a half. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I can handle it. And now that I have just over half an acre, I'm like, oh my God, I can't even imagine having a whole acre more. Do you mow your own grass? No, but it would make it more expensive.

That's the thing. It's like the bigger you scale shit up, the more shit costs. Also, the more problems. Like, more stuff goes wrong. Homeownership, definitely don't start big. Start small. They don't tell you how crazy it is. Like, we bought this house and the people were supposed to get rid of the rats and they didn't.

And so we cut a hole in the ceiling because we have to renovate. Did they all fall out? So much rat shit fell out. And they were supposed to take care of this before they moved out. Did you sue them? No. You should have. Was it in writing that they would? Yeah.

Oh, you should sue them. It was so bad. Catch a case, babe. And like we had to have the rat guy come and within like a couple days we got a rat. And it was massive. It was not cute like ratatouille. Mice are cute. Rats are scary to me. I like them when I see them crawling between the subway tracks but not in my house. Yes, totally. I'm like that is exactly where you belong. Yeah, I wanted to throw one a noodle the other day but like no one would. You still have rats? No.

No, in the subway. I was like, don't feed them in your house. That's why they stay. This one in the subway was really small. It was a freshly born rat kind of looking thing. You're such a good person. So I was going to give him a noodle. Oh, you didn't. No, no one would give me the leftovers. It was like, no, you're not feeding the rats. Everyone's like, don't do it. Yeah, they were not allowing it. I mean, I guess I got that after seeing pizza wrap. Yeah. Okay, one last one for you.

I'm so excited. I'm like really into it now. I love it. You fit right in. I want people to, I want to hear more shitting and fucking and sucking stories. Come on. This is not that. It's more of the mystery vibes. So it's three years old. It's titled, Neighbors entrusted me with looking after their pets slash house for three weeks. It has been almost a year now and they haven't come back. Today, their basement flooded and I have no idea what to do.

What? In June 2019. This just unlocked a whole new fear. Of like babysitting and then they don't come back? Whoa, never thought about that. Haven't you seen the lady on TikTok that was paid to be a surrogate for a couple in China and they never came to pick up the baby? What? The baby's now like three years old. What? Yeah, and she's keeping it.

She's not giving it back. I've never once in my life. I fell down that rabbit hole. Thought about. Hit hard. These scenarios and those people just not coming back. They didn't come. She kept asking. Yeah.

I would just take the house then. I'd be like, it's mine. I would squatter rights that bitch. Live in there for 30 days. Yeah. Kick him out. Possession nine times the law. You now have a home. Oh my God. And it's so much. Why didn't I do this? Yeah. So maybe if your neighbor that's going to sell in two years goes out of town, just be like, hey, you want me to watch it? Why don't you stay for like two months? You deserve it. I'm going to watch your house for y'all. And then I'll never leave.

So in June 2019, my neighbors came to my door. I had some experiences with them. They invited us for a barbecue not long after they moved in. They asked me and my wife if we would look after their pets and their house for the next three weeks as they needed to return to Taiwan as his mother was dying. They even left me with $500 for food for their two German shepherds and a cat.

I don't know what happened to them, but they just never came back. I don't know if they ended up in some sort of prison or decided to just not come home at all. Today, I found out their basement had flooded, probably sometime within the last week. Apparently a pipe burst, but the entire basement is completely fucked. I have paid for the leak to be fixed, and I spent all day using my shop vac to drain their basement to the best of my abilities.

Between this and one of their dogs needing surgery, I have spent several thousand dollars of my own money. And frankly, the damage to the basement was pretty awful. I don't have their insurance paperwork, and I don't really know if I can even do a claim for theirs on top of this.

His two giant German shepherds, while they are amazingly good boys, it is becoming almost too much for us to handle. Their last name is extremely common and their Facebook profiles are private, which gives me very little avenue to tackle this down. Timeline, June 7th, 2019. Neighbor asked me if I would look after their pets and their house while they were handling the death of his mother. July 1st, 2019. They sent me an email stating they needed some additional time to handle his father's affair.

He apologized and said he would be back by July 15th at the latest. July 21st, sent him an email asking what's going on. Explained how we are going on vacation in August. Never got a response. And then he like ends up giving like these point by point breakdowns.

And like September 6, 2019, so like June, July, August, September, ended up moving the two dogs and cat into our house. They seemed extremely miserable. I ended up dismantling part of our joint fence to allow his dogs to use their outdoor area.

And then one of his dogs started showing signs of becoming ill. He ended up needing a surgery, sent another email almost a year later, never got a response. Today, bringing his mail to his house, I noticed the smell, discovered the basement was flooded. And then questions, it's like, what exactly is my level of responsibility here? I agreed to look after it for a few weeks slash couple of months at the most. It has almost been a year now. Is there anything I can do? Location, Ontario, Canada. Jesus Christ.

Christ. I would assume they're dead. They died. They're gone. They're not coming back. I don't know if they're dead or if they just wanted to flee. Maybe they had like... Warrants out for them. I was thinking that, but then like wouldn't people have shown up to the house? Like wouldn't have like authorities come to the house? Yeah. Or like... I don't... I don't know. And like wouldn't... I mean, unless their house was paid off, wouldn't they like...

Wouldn't their house get foreclosed? I was wondering about the mortgage and utilities power. And if they live in Canada, you have to keep your water on in the winter and have a drip so your pipes don't freeze. Burst, yeah. Which is maybe what happened with the basement. The second you said Ontario, I was like, oh, that tracks. Yeah. So this is crazy. I can't imagine having that level of abandonment. You have two beautiful German Shepherds and a cat and you just leave them? Yeah.

Well, I can't imagine being left with that because it's not like you're like, no, you didn't sign up for it. Because if they come back and you're like, well, I gave your dogs away. Yeah. But then it's like you might have like dealing with two giant German shepherds if you're not equipped for is like being thrown into the deep end with no arms or legs. Like that's insane. Like, I mean, at that point, fuck their house. Like, you don't have to watch that shit. No, let it sink. Yeah.

But then to be stuck with, like, living creatures? Yeah. That's hard. Yeah.

I love German Shepherds. It's like the only kind of dogs I had. So like I'd probably just take them on. But like that is a lot. And like if they would have just given the dog up like for adoption, the surgery would have been paid for. Like they wouldn't have had to pay for the surgery. So true. And like dog surgeries. Are so expensive. Insane. My dog just got her hips done. Oh, one hip. What, like a BBL? They cut off her acetabulum. Oh, this is serious. I'm sorry. Shh.

You're like, she just got her hips done. And I'm like, where? Would she go to Miami? Dr. Gavami? Like, what did she do? Dr. Miami? Is that his real name? I don't know. I know someone that went there and like it. Stop. It wasn't very good. Ooh. Yeah. But yeah, this is just crazy. But her hip surgery was like three grand. Yeah. And she's like 15. And it's kind of like, it didn't help.

So it's like, that's what's awful. And also people are like, get pet insurance. Pet insurance is such a fucking scam. I've heard a lot of times they don't pay. They don't pay because if it's a preexisting condition, then if you get the insurance after an issue happens, anything that that dog has before is a preexisting condition. Yeah. Which is everything. So crazy. It's insane. So we have an update for this one. Oh,

This is the best ending. Or maybe it's not. I don't know. Oh my God, I'm shook. What is it? Good news. I followed everyone's advice, reached out to the police and the embassy, explained the situation, and gave them a bunch of info. Tonight, I got a call from them.

explaining they had just decided to stay much, much longer and spend time with family and friends. They apparently asked his wife's brother to come and collect the animals and get the key a long time ago, back in August, but never followed up on it. He apologized and said he was sorry. He gave me two options and asked if I wanted to keep his pets since I've had them for so long. Or

Or he will push his stepbrother to get the animals. Apparently, the animals don't really mean anything to him or his wife, which I feel is quite shitty. I would give them out. He apparently can no longer access his email and passed me along a new email address slash phone number I can use to contact him, but told me he doesn't have any plans to return to Canada anytime soon. I mentioned the water damage, and he just said that they can buy a new house or get it fixed when they get back.

He was also quite confused and somewhat annoyed about the lengths we went to to get in touch with him. He didn't understand why we reached out to the embassy. He then offered to send me a bunch of money to square away the inconvenience, and that was more or less it. I don't know if it's a cultural thing. However, I feel kind of pissed off at how little he slash his wife seemed to care about the pets slash his house. Anyways... And the effort they went through. Yeah, like, didn't really sound like a thank you there. No, no.

Anyways, me and my wife are going to keep the pets simply because, well, I don't think either of us can part with the dogs and his cat at this point. Happy ending. Dogs are in a better home. Yeah, that's so true. That's so true. Yeah. Love this. Wow. I would just be like, can I have your house then? Like, you can just get it fixed and I'll just take it. Just sign it over. Just sign the check, baby. Wow. I love this. That's crazy. I've just never thought. This was a good update.

Yeah. About people just not coming home.

It does unlock a new fear. New fear unlocked. I was just about to fucking say. I don't think I'll ever say yes to house sitting ever again. No, I don't think I will either. I also like dog sitting really scares me because like what if your dog ate a grape when I was watching it because I turned away for two seconds. They can die so easily. I think about that all the time. I'm like one of my best friends. Her dog is like a part of her.

And she's like, I've watched it before and I'm like, you can't, nothing can fucking happen right now. I'll never live with myself if anything did. I can't. I don't want to sign up for other people, like their dogs or their kids. And then that's where I'm like, oh, I want kids. And I'm like, girl, do you? Keeping one of those things alive? And you have to, like, they don't die. Like before, like, you know, a dog is like,

We knowingly sign up, our dog will likely... Knowing it won't live forever. Isn't that kind of sadistic? I saw TikTok on that the other day. That is. And yet we still get dogs again and again and again. Because they bring so much light. I know, they're amazing. Which is why I like horses because they live pretty long. No, that's why I'm on the horse. Do miniature ponies live long? Yeah, ponies can sometimes live longer than horses. Slay. Guess who's getting a fucking miniature pony?

The oldest pony ever was named Sugar Puff, and it was 56 years old. I'm obsessed with that entire thing, start to finish. It lived from 1951 to 2007. Yeah. It survived the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. The 2000s. What a queen. Yeah. Come on, Sugar Puff. Sugar Puff. Real cute. Oh, is there a picture? Not an actual picture. Oh, that's okay. Oh, there's an actual picture. Here, let me just...

It's pretty cute. Oh my god, that is... Oh my god, that's exactly what I need. Oh my god, that literal color. Yeah, the nice brown. Oh my god. I mean, long live sugar puff. R.I.P. doll. It's really cute. Oh my god, it's so cute. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you for having me. Sorry for probably cutting you off 106 times. No. I just had so much to say at these stories. People are going to be like, Morgan, that's the karma you get for cutting everyone else off. So it's totally fine. Do people always tell you that you cut people off? It's called ADHD. ADHD.

It's called ADHD and also I have like a really funny thing to say that needs to be said in this moment. I'm so neurodivergent and like I think the other thing that really makes me sad is when I try to share a personal story to like show I'm actively listening or connect with you and then people are like why are you always making it about yourself? And I'm like Yes! I'm just neurodivergent and trying to connect. I'm just an empath. This is the only way I know how. Let me be. Oh.

Where can everyone find you? Just Google me. Chris Clemons. I mean, TikTok, Instagram. That's like the cockiest response I've gotten. No, I just mean even... Google me. No, I mean just... I think it's more... It's easier. Listen, after doing this for fucking almost 11 years... I can't believe you started...

That early? You just like saying like, my Twitter and Instagram is at Chris Clemens. My YouTube is YouTube.com. Like I would just rather put myself down than have to say all of that. So just Chris Clemens on Google. I'm on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok. I love it. Marijuana. I love it. I'm on all of it. Go listen. If you guys want an amazing episode, go listen to the one I did with Chris on his podcast Unhinged.

If you think the stories we get are wild, wait until you hear the last voicemail on the episode we did. I was...

slack-jawed i mean like it wasn't as crazy as the shit we heard today i feel yeah it was was it yeah the last one that last voicemail with the party outside and the old lady showing up yeah that one yeah okay the way i forgot what that one was that one that one requires therapy so it fits the vibe of this episode so just go over there and listen to that after yeah no my listeners are i

I'm like why do I have a podcast y'all are the ones that your voice your voicemails are so cool I love that they're like not always like that yesterday was like extra delicious for you it was crazy it was crazy thank you so much for having me thank you this was like so fun I feel like I have a new friend now I know I feel like we're kind of like the same little person I agree so you're calling me little thank you I love it I can't wait till you're out in LA same oh my god same I'll come back on move back

I don't know about that, but like... Maybe bi-coastal. Yeah, that's definitely... It's just hard with a dog. I don't want to be away from my dog, but I did get her registered. I'm just afraid to fly. What kind of dog? Is it big or little? She's like a...

Like a little chunk. She's like a pit mix. But she's not like big. But she's not like small. I've seen a lot of people buying extra seats and letting the dog sit there now. That's all I want to do. I literally saw it the other day. With like a poodle. A doodle. I have never been able to have this happen. And that's all I want to do. I'm like, I'm down to pay for...

Pay for the seat. For her to sit next to me on. She is the gentlest. I've driven across the country three times with her. Oh, my gosh. She sleeps the entire way. That's such a good little traveler. She is the greatest dog ever. I love that. I'm just afraid of them not letting her on for some reason and then missing my flight. That sounds like so much work for nothing. Yeah, but then she gets to see the world.

Well, no, that's what I want. I took her to Vegas when I lived in LA and she saw the Bellagio fountain. She probably loved it. She's been to New York. She's seen my like interview corner. She's a wanderlust, girly. I really want to show her the world, which is like the most insane thing to say about a dog because they have no idea what's going on. But like, yes, yes.

I want her to see Greece. Like, I want her to go to Italy. Okay, I literally just saw a TikTok of this couple that travels with their three cats. And they had pictures of, like, them in little berets in front of the Eiffel Tower. Period. And then went here with their three cats. They just pop them in the bubble backpacks and zoom around. See, that is, like, why... It's crazy. That's the only...

I want a smaller dog. Yeah, it is easier. It's because you can just throw that thing in your pocket and... Honestly, though... There's nothing to see your officer. And I get the horses are actual service animals, but if they're going to put a horse on a plane, let people just take their dogs. People are taking horses on a plane? Yeah. You're lying. No, I swear to God. I follow a TikTok account. It's like, the horse's name is Honey. You're lying. No, they... A horse trots on board? Yeah. Shut the fuck... Yeah. This is a horse on the plane. Shut the fuck up.

Shut the fuck up. They just stand there. Shut. Yeah. That's the best thing I've ever seen. So let people take their dogs. Oh. As long as they're not a menace and biting people. Or like smell. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Anyways, we've said goodbye like 10 minutes ago. But like I. Goodbye. I want to see a horse on a plane. Okay, bye. I want to see a horse on a plane. Bye. Until next time, guys. Bye.

So many cameras. I know. I'm like, oh my God, is there one watching me now?

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