Episode III: Tour the Olympic Village with Matt and Bowen
31:38 Share

Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. Well, we're back to guys five rings. Do you want to know why the ring, ring, ring, ring, ring? Yes. So we recorded our first two episodes and I was like, where do I know that from? Do you want to know where that's from? I don't even know. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. I don't know where that's from. Tell me. Did I just steal someone else's thing? No, because it's sung.

in the media that i know it from which is the song ring by cardi b and kehlani oh it's like you don't gotta lie no more no no you just made it ring ring ring kehlani coded now what is the song can you help me id this song ring ding dong ring ding ding dong do you remember that it's like it was like

I want to say 2003, kind of like R&B. Ring-a-ding-dong, ring-a-ding-a-ding-ding-dong. No, girl, I don't know that. Ring-a-ding-dong, ring-a-ding-a-ding-ding-dong. Yeah, type that into the Google search bar. It's Dr. Dre. Oh my God, look, and Sean knew it was Dr. Dre. It's Dr. Dre. Oh my God, Sean knew.

What's your favorite ring song? What's our favorite ring song? I'm going to say Seven Rings by Ariana Grande. That's a really good one. Because I don't think anything really steps to Seven Rings. No. But I'm going to say... Put a ring on it, Single Ladies. Put a ring on it, it's really good. I'm going all the way back to... Ring of Fire? No, no, no. I'm going back to the Shangri-Las. They reference rings in...

the candy store you smile and turn around and smile at me you got pictures yes we see I and they say hey is that Jimmy's ring she's wearing I don't know why don't you ask her Betty the way that old spoken word by the way what do you mean I'm mad about the candy store wait talk about drama no song delivered drama like that one Leader of the Pack by the Shangri-Las Leader of the Pack vroom vroom

You know what I finally watched yesterday? What? I finally watched The Chromatica Ball. Oh my God. What did you think? We're recording this in June, by the way. Early June. Yeah. We're recording this in early June. I finally watched Chromatica Ball on Max. I thought it was... You know what it did? It really reminded me of being there. You know? I...

I don't know if in and of itself it was like, this is the concert experience that I'm used to now that we've got eras and renaissance that you can watch at any given time. But it definitely was like, wow, this was a really fun concert that I loved being at. That's great. Go Lady Gaga, go. Go Lady Gaga, go. Would love to see her at the Olympics. Oh my God. Just watching artistic swimming. Oh my God.

I would love to see her just judge. You know what I mean? Like if we added Lady Gaga as a judge to every Olympic category and basically like they all did their scores on like technique and presentation and then she judged on just our pop on our pop, like where it is at a one through 10, like even even the races, you know what I mean? Like someone could clearly win. But did they serve art pop? Right. Did they serve kindness punk?

One of the most important things you could do is remember to be a kindness punk each and every day of your life. That's so important. I just want to say, I had a sport-adjacent moment yesterday. Gone. Well, first of all, Vancouver. Yeah. It's a famous Olympic town. They had their Winter Olympics. So apparently there's a group called WESA here, and it's the softball league. Yes. And each team puts forward a person, usually a gay man,

to perform in drag. And the rest of the softball team is backup dancers. And I thought it was very athletic, what they were doing, and artistic. But it felt like a little preview for the Olympics for me. I thought, this is giving me Olympics. The way that they are doing Maybe This Time by Liza Minnelli, this is reminding me of the Olympics in some way.

It's very art pop. So honestly, Gaga should have been there to score that because she had these athletes who were giving art pop in the form of drag. And can I say, thank God they sent the gay men to be in drag and not one of the straight members of the softball team, because you never, this is a famous expression, you never send a straight man to do a gay man's job. And if this were... And we would say that's a rule of culture, but we can't. But we can't.

Now, today we're going to get into the five rings. Right now we're still in two guys segment. This is the two guys section of the episode and then we get into five rings. But this is one of the most exciting episodes because it's about all about the Olympic Village. Which is kind of abstract, right? We always think about the Olympic Village in a very like fantastical way.

But then the reality of it is so much more interesting than you could possibly ever realize. Can I tell you what I picture in my mind's eye when I think of the Olympic Village? And it can't be this.

You're thinking of a village in terms of like a Beauty and the Beast-esque... I'm thinking of Beauty and the Beast provincial town. And what I'm thinking of is I'm thinking of it looks like the VIP area at any given music festival. Like, oh, there's a little hot dog stand. Like, here's where you can get your flan. Here's where you can get this. It's like it's always... They have flan at music festivals? Well, at the VIP section...

It's like when you go to Coachella and you got your wristband, you go into the little fancy garden area. I'm certain there is. Can I say I'm certainly not eating flan at the music festival, but I don't know that anybody is. I bet you could get it there at Coachella. We'll check in next year. I'm sure you can get it, but no one's buying it anyway. Yeah, I'm in my mind's eye. I'm seeing like a very corporate like.

like something that feels very activated. Little brand activations all around. Correct. That's what I'm seeing in my mind's eye. But really, it's just... I guess it basically just can't really be that. You have to strip it way back. Everything that we have in our mind's eye. Maybe you're closer because it is just where they live. I'm sure they have to have like little spots that can go little town. It's a quiet village their whole life away. But... Well...

On that note, we're going to really... We're actually going to find out what is in the village when we come back from this break. We're back. We're now in Five Rings territory, aren't we? Sure are. Let's talk about the Olympic Village. I kind of want to live in the fantasy more before we actually break down, like look at some facts and figures about the Olympic Village. I really want it to be...

I want there to be a playground, but I want like, I want to, I, I know what we're both thinking. What do you, what do you think I'm thinking? I think we are both thinking and wishing that there was a rollercoaster ride. All I'm saying is at least some theme park attractions, you know what I mean? Like at least get the Ferris wheel hooked up, at least turn on,

But also, some of these carnival rides that they put up for little dinky things are the ones that make you sick. I don't want the athletes all sick. I don't want a dinky ride. I want Imagineer-level Universal Studios-caliber level. Epic Universe-caliber. Epic Universe-caliber engineering. I agree with you. I mean, I want that all the time, but...

you know, what would the theme be? What would it be? Like if you're in the Olympic, if you're in the Olympic village. Yes. I, I feel like,

what's the theme of the ride like what's the universal thing that's speaking to everyone champion okay yeah like victory the theme is victory yeah so you start the ride you get in and it's like maybe it's like you're starting a race yes and then something goes off the off the rails like and then is it like a is it like a ride through paris like oh no yes ah

I love that. There has to be an Olympics ride. Why hasn't that happened? You're so right. I mean, I guess it's up to NBC Universal. They have a whole theme park train and they could be doing a lot with an Olympics themed ride. Because can I say something? And all love to Jimmy Fallon. But Jimmy Fallon has a whole ass ride in Universal Studios Florida. And I'm going to say the Olympics are a way bigger deal than Jimmy. Just because they've been around a lot longer. Ah.

So don't they deserve a ride in this famously film and television themed theme park? I mean, the Olympics is television. I'm only making points here. I don't like what you're doing. I don't want this to get back to Jimmy that you say the Olympics are bigger than him. It's nothing against him. I don't want you to run afoul of Big Jim. The Tonight Show. Big Jim. Here's what I'll say. Just to broaden it, the Olympics are a bigger franchise than the Men in Black franchise. And yet they have a ride.

Certainly bigger than the mummy. Certainly bigger than the mummy. Let's actually start getting into facts about the Olympic Village, shall we?

Sure. Matt, the Olympic Village will be the home of more than 14,000 athletes and entourage members participating in the Olympic Games. Later for the Paralympic Games, another 9,000 athletes and entourage members move in. The village will be mostly situated in the north of Paris on the banks of the River Seine. So we're talking right bank, Rive Droite, which is the northern bank of Paris.

Thank God you're here again. Bowen Yang's first language being French is so huge for this podcast. It's a major hook. It really sets us apart from other podcasts that are going to be covering the Olympics because a lot of people would pronounce that like...

Reef draw. Well, I'm not even going to try. Yeah, exactly. Pedestrian pronunciation, but not here. Not with Bowen Yang. Speaking of pedestrians, there's going to be 14,000 people living in this village. Okay, so can I say something? Remember before when I cast doubt on the fact that we were going to have enough budget to create like a theme park level attraction in this village? No. 14,000 people. It's Paris. It's Paris.

It's NBC Universal, baby. We have the money. We actually need a big theme park attraction in the village just for foot traffic. Oh. We need to take some people off the streets. Off the streets. Get them in the coaster. Yeah. You are giving urban planning...

Oh, I'm giving urban planning every second of my life. I'm thinking, how do we make this better? Every second of my life, I'm pointing up to whatever city I'm in and I'm saying, now, how do we change this for the better? Structurally, just I'm always thinking about how we move people. Yes. You always think about this. Talk about the thing about Paris, the architectural...

trademark of Paris, which is low-rise housing. Low-rise buildings in general. Nothing above, I think, I want to say 12 stories. But usually it's nothing above 8 stories. That's why the Eiffel Tower sticks out so. I'm really happy that you brought this up because I've been waiting to talk about this. So you know how they say that Paris is the city of love? And light. Exactly. So basically...

And one of the narratives about the Olympic Village is that people be f***ed, right? You know what I mean? Like we talked in the last episode about how there's tons of condoms out, etc. So this actually does go all the way back to foot traffic. Because we don't have the vertical real estate, we can't have a lot of people really inside, like stacked. I mean, this is already a big...

full, hot biomass. So let's talk about the bedrooms because the bedrooms might... Oh, let's talk about it. Well, I think the bedrooms you'll have some thoughts on because I don't think they are encouraging activity, sexual activity. Well, we'll talk about that because I think that sometimes horniness can outweigh practicality. But let's hear it. Let's hear your facts and figures. ♪

Matt, I want to do a Price is Right sort of thing with you. How many condoms do you think are handed out in the Olympic Village? Will be handed out in the Olympic Village? Because we have an answer to this because someone at NBC did help us with research. But how many condoms do you think are handed out in the Olympic Village this year? 14,000 athletes. You have to imagine at least...

at least 10 to 11,000 of them are horny people. You have to imagine that, you know, they're not having sex just once. They're probably having sex. Like I'm going to say on the average two times. So let's, let's go on the lower end. 10 times two 20 K. I'm going to say they hand out just because of, you know, the way that, you know, things get disseminated around and, you know, this often so much merch and more,

more than you ever think you're gonna need so add 5,000 I'm gonna say 25,000 condoms get handed out hold on to your hat we're gonna reveal the number later later later oh my god I didn't know my girl was gonna edge me on the pod girl let's talk about the rooms okay oh my god that was really crazy what you just did now I'm chomping at the bit but we're locking in at 25,000 condoms

I would say. Because I think more than that is kind of crazy. Okay. Another fact about the Olympic Village. Okay. 7,200 rooms for 14,000 athletes. Okay, so in 3,000 apartments in 82 residential buildings. So 82 residential buildings, what's the math on that? Like, that is like...

That's like 40 rooms per building, 40 units per building. And then two or three people per room. Athletes will share a bedroom with one other athlete and share a bathroom with three others. So it is giving full on college. You know, this actually is another place in the road where Bowen Yang and I diverge because you never had a roommate.

I did have a roommate. I had family. Well, you didn't have like a college dorm room. I never lived in the dorm. You didn't have anyone in the same room. I never lived in the dorms. Exactly. Yeah, you've never shared a room with another...

18-year-old human. What was that? A literal stranger that you had. Isn't that whole concept crazy? Oh, yeah. I'm going to say for the Olympics, it's fine. You got to bunk with someone for a month or so. That's summer camp vibes. That I can wrap my head around. But for college, they pair you with someone you don't know from Adam and you're supposed to sleep in the same room as them for a year.

And first of all, college is way harder than the Olympics. I say, let's just say that like college is way harder than the Olympics. And talk about a place where you really need a lot of space and they don't give you any. It's college. So there you are in college. You're with someone else. You have to literally hear them sleep, eat, speak all these things. And meanwhile, in the Olympics, like,

You know, you're in and out. But in college, you have to be with that person for a whole year. And if you didn't like that person, Godspeed. I would say I sort of liked my roommate. I did. I was also in a suite mate situation. We all shared a bathroom. It's precarious. It's precarious because what if that person is a slob? It could really throw you. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

affect your studies. Also, I guess the amount of communication about sex because also, but the thing is, oh, this is what I was going to tell you. Like sharing a room with someone that's not going to like essentially preclude sexual activities. It's not. I think they just turn the other way. They go, I get it. Wow. Interesting. I don't have any roommate stories, but I do have

A friend's anecdote. Okay. A good friend of ours, his college roommate smelled so bad and did not do, did not make a good, just did not have good hygiene overall with his laundry and whatever. That this person, our friend, one night while this person was sleeping, sprayed Febreze over his body. That's how bad. That is violating.

I don't doubt that he had to do it. I don't find it humorous. I find it shocking. You're laughing. I'm not laughing. Do you hear ha ha ha? Someone was Febrezed in their sleep. Okay? That is using a drug on someone while they sleep. You brought that story here so we could all laugh. Someone being drugged.

No one was drugged. No one was drugged. Kidding! No one was drugged. The fumes were giving. Well, damn.

I mean, listen, here's the thing. Normalize. A lot of these athletes are gay. Okay. Let's just say that first and foremost, a lot of these athletes are gay and I am so happy for them. Well, let's just apply the 10% figure at least 7.6%. Okay. But I can't do that math right now. So I'm going to say, I'm going to round that up to 10. Let's say 1400 of these people for the Olympics are gay. And then 900 for the Paralympics are gay.

Here's what I'm really curious about. What are the apps looking like? The gay apps looking like in the village? I bet they pop off. I remember in 2012 in London, there was a story not widely reported, but there was a story. Hold on. There was a story that Grindr and the Olympic Village crashed the entire time. They were looking and looking and looking.

By the way, media report on the fact that Grindr crashed in the Olympic Village. That's a big story. Okay. I'm looking at the amenities of the Olympic Village. Should we talk about this? Yes. Let's talk about amenities. Okay. There's a 24-hour fitness center containing more than 350 machines and two saunas. That feels like probably enough. That's a lot of space.

Listen, if the bed situation, if the roommate situation ain't working out for you to bring someone home, you go to the sauna. Yeah, exactly. There's a village club, which will be the place to relax, socialize, and watch coverage of the game. So this is what I'm talking about. This is the VIP situation. This is the VIP situation. I guarantee they make it really nice in the words of Dorinda, NBCUniversal icon, in the Olympic Village. So clearly we have...

there's a center. Speaking of centers, there is a multi-faith center where you can worship or pray for victory. Or body worship your lover. Honestly, like, listen, you said it, not me, sis. There's a medical clinic.

Thank God. I mean, these people are, they need to be maintained. There is, see, this is what I'm talking about here. The Village Plaza, which offers a variety of services for village residents, including a hair salon, bank, coffee bar, grocery store, merch store, and post office because the mail doesn't stop. This is what I'm talking about. Like, this is like, this makes it, this makes it, yeah, a place where you could live full time.

It's a village. It takes a village. More than 200 bikes will be available for athletes to help them get around the village. Big biking place, Europe. You know this. Yes. Electric shuttles also will transport village residents around. And there is a bakery in the Olympic Village that will hold workshops teaching athletes how to make the perfect baguette. So it's like site specific. And it is, as I was saying, I wanted a baker. It is giving me Beauty and the Beast.

I don't know how many of these people are going to be eating baguettes or going to be digesting simple carbs are going to be eating, you know,

taking that much sugar in unless it's helpful for their event. But baguette, that's going to be a hard sell for these professional athletes. No, but think about this. Think about like if your event is like up top, if your event is first, like that would be so gaggy because like if you get done in the first two or three days, like then you can literally, well, just sit in the village community center, eat bread, learn how to make bread.

Get on the grinder. Really go off. Go to the hair salon. Go to the hair salon. Get your hair done. Get your hair did. Get your hair did. Oh, you would. That's where you would see me. And honestly, like it would suck if your event was last because you're sitting around and you can't enjoy any of it. And then you have to leave at the end because the Paralympians have to come in. Well, I don't know. The best you can do is go to the coffee bar.

I guess. Write your screenplay. I'm assuming some of these athletes are writers. Exactly. Well, many athletes will pursue a career in the arts after this is over. Because remember, if you are an Olympian, it does mean you probably have an on-camera future. It's true. There's no kitchens in the apartments. Individual rooms contain no TVs or video game consoles. I don't know about all this. Sounding like...

a jail situation to me. I don't like that. Yeah, this feels like no televisions. What do you think? It has to just be a cost thing. I mean, because that would be a big expense. If you want to go watch TV, I guess go watch in the community center with your bag of friends. I know!

Now, maybe it's them wanting to reduce screen time. I don't know. But bring your iPad is what we're saying. If you're an Olympian, bring the iPad, get the VPN, make sure you can watch your American shows in France because you can't get certain channels.

Text Bowen Yang for instructions on how to set up the VPN. He can help you. I'll let you know. Okay, this is important. This is what I think about a lot. And not just because of the sexy stuff. This is important. Beds. Yeah.

Bases are made of reinforced recycled cardboard. Okay, we love. Sustainable. Mattresses are made from recycled fishing nets. I love that as well. Yeah, that's really good. To help the organizers meet its sustainability targets, of course, beds are sturdy enough to support 551 pounds in weight. Okay. This is enough for two tall swimmers. Yeah. You know, to spoon. You could be just over 250 pounds, both of yous, and this...

Oh my God. I'm thinking about these shot put, these gay shot putters, like putting down the shot put, picking up the, Ooh.

Oh my God. Wait, what are you doing? Sorry, my jaw just dropped because as you're talking, I looked over to the next number and I'm seeing how many condoms it is. Oh, you looked at the next number. No, it was just right in front of me. Take it away on this one. This number is going to shock you. We're going to reveal the number of condoms that are being handed out. Barbara at NBC Sports, thank you for doing the research. Yeah. The Olympic Village is set to stock today.

What did you say? What did you guess earlier, Matt? I said they would give out 25K. 300,000 condoms will be stocked at the Olympic Village. I think that's wonderful. I think, whoa, we should practice safe sex. We can't have anyone catching diseases.

before they do their events. And you know, that's how some, I hold, I still think that's how some of these international rivals of ours are going to try to kneecap us is in the bedroom. They try to kneecap us in the bedroom, Bo. That's what they do.

I've been kneecaps before. Ooh, kinky. The Olympics have been in the condom game since the 1988 Seoul Games when they were handed out to raise awareness of HIV and AIDS. Well, I'm so happy that everyone is feeling healthy and thriving in the bedroom again. Like, if my event was over early, you would see me eating baguettes and...

I mean, getting off the road to make way for some foot traffic. Let's just say that. Filling myself up with bread and then, you know, getting to it. Bread before it is a choice. There's a lot of words floating around here like bread. There's a lot of words floating around here like, you know, fail. I think this is worth mentioning.

40,000 meals daily during the games in the main dining hall with more than 3,200 seats. So that is a big dining hall. That's giving me, you know, Harry Potter vibes. And I was going to say, you can say it will feature food from around the world menu rotating every eight days and catering to all dietary and nutritional needs. Alcohol is not provided on the premises. About one third of the 500 recipes made will be vegetarian. Um,

And there will be a salad bar with more than 30 options, a meat grill, a cheese section, a bakery, a hot food buffet, a dessert bar, and a wide range of fruits. Oh my God. This is giving resort. It's truly sounding good. And I wonder, like, they say entourage members are allowed in. Like, you probably have to be on, like, some sort of very exclusive list to even get in here. But look, Simone, if you have room on the list, Matt and I would love to come.

wait, as a real thing, because I have a couple of questions about the perks of doing this podcast. If we wanted to, could we get into the Olympic village just to like walk around? Like, could we figure that out? I, this lovely woman, Barbara, I mean, can we reach out to her? We'll see what she can do. I know she's on the ground doing some research. Can she find out if she can get us on some lists and so we can hang with Sha'Carri and you know, let's see what happens. Oh,

Oh, and I also wonder, we'll doing this podcast. I'm just going to bring Epic Universe in again. Can we get tickets to that when it opens? Like, because we do this podcast. We have NBC Universal ties. I'm really interested in that. Now we talked about theme park attractions. I can't get off of it. That's the only note we have as professional urban planners and experiential designers for the Olympic villages. There should be one.

impeccably engineered roller coaster. Well, really what you need to have is you need one e-ticket, which is like a big, massive indoor ride that can hold a lot of people. You need a couple flat rides, which are for the kids and for the girls. Yeah. And then you need a big show. You need one big show. Well, the big show is the games. Like a live show, like Olympics, the musical. Oh, interesting. Go off. They should reach out to Sutton Foster. She says yes to everything. Oh.

Anyway... Let's take a break, and then when we come back, we will give out our medals for our top three stories. Yay! We're back. Now, let's do bronze, silver, and gold. This is tough. We've got a lot of facts and figures, but we've got to pick three. I think, you know what, for me...

The bronze medal has to go to the variety of services in the Village Plaza. I can't get over how chic it sounds to be able to go to the hair salon, the bank, the coffee bar, the grocery store. I could spend a whole afternoon in the Village Plaza, bags in hand with things, baguettes in hand, chomping down. You could just have a shopping day.

Here's what I'm doing. I'm hooking two fingers over my shoulder. Pretend there's hangers of dry cleaning. Yes. Behind me. That is the most running errands look I could possibly want. Yes. And just basically. So, so again, a pitry, I have the, the, the bag behind me and I have two fingers up like this. Cause I'm trying to wave down a car. Cause I can't, I don't want to carry this too much more. Ready?

Oh, hi. Hi. Taxi. And then there's me getting in. Taxi. My French taxi. Taxi. What wins the silver medal, Beau? Silver for me is going to be...

I really think they nailed it on the beds. Not just for, you know, like the weight capacity. I think how sustainable they are. Yes. 551 pounds is specific. You know they want it. They were like, 550 sounds too fake. Like,

Let's actually give them a random ass number, 551. And I believe it to be true. Like they did a weight test. They did a stress test on these mattresses and these bed frames. And I'm gagged. I love that. So that's my silver. Yeah.

That's the silver. And I think, so can I just give an honorable palladium to, palladium medal goes to the 300,000 condoms because I'm conflicted about it because I do think that their commitment to safe sex is admirable. But the gold medal, I would have to say, Beau, I think that one of the most interesting, exciting things is the site-specific element here. They put a bakery in and they can teach athletes how to make

their own you love the baguettes baguettes i just think that's really cute and i think ultimately what's great about this is the bakery when they're teaching the workshops that's how you get people off the road and that's how you help foot traffic you know what i mean like i'm still interested in how we help this city run because you know parisians the locals are like

They're excited. But you know some of them have to be in the cafes, in the patisseries saying, oh la la, the Olympics are really going to mess up our lifestyle. Oh la la. Oh la la. Is that what they are like? Oh la la. Like if I went into Paris, I was like, oh la la. They'd be like, he's one of us. Oh la la. Oh la la. I don't know what I just said. So that...

That'll be the note we end our episode on. Watch every moment of the 2024 Paris Olympics beginning July 26th on NBC and Peacock. And for the first time, you can stream the 2024 Paris Games on the iHeartRadio app. And listen to Two Guys, Five Rings on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.