It’s The Best Of Episodes 36-40!
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Hey guys, we here at This Is Important love Philadelphia Cream Cheese! It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it. What? I know, I'm crazy. Yeah, dude, it's hella good. You gotta try it. With so many unique recipes...

How could you go wrong? And yes, you can find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home. Welcome to This is Important, a production of iHeartRadio, the show where we only talk about what is most obviously very crucially important. And we're... We're back! Back! Back!

We're back! Whoa, you got a bunch of them, huh? Well, you missed it. We were all kind of doing it together as a group, and you kind of, you held out and you wanted your own time to shine, and I respect that about you, Blake. Right. Yep, I'm trying to just kind of segue into my own personal podcast where it's never any speaking from me, it's just soundbites. Hey, I'd listen. And just you? Yep. This is important!

Yeah. This is important. That's what you bring to the table mostly for our podcast as well, so I think you'd be pretty good at it. No speaking. Yeah, I've been practicing. Yeah, it kind of, you know, from listening to our podcast, my attention kind of dips when you're telling a story or doing something, but once you hit that button, fire, baby. Oh, yeah, right. It's true. Hey, and guys, guess what? We're back! We're back!

And who is that? That was some guy from like the Longhorns. I just Googled we're back. Oh, that's tight. Just some college football player? Yeah, they like got back to some... Or gymnast? I don't know. He could be any team. He could be any sport in Texas. Yeah, I think they were back at the rings. They were competitors once again. Oh, man. The rings look so fucking hard. I don't know about those things. They look hard as hell.

Hey, Dersi. Where's my snare? Yeah. What was that now? I have no snare in my headphones. So before we started, Blake was playing us some new cuts from the soundboard. And I was like, where are you going to use the where's my snare? Where does that come in? And he said, you'll see. Right up top. Where's my snare?

Now I'm going to use it the whole entire time. Where's my snare? Admittedly, Eminem sounds like when you just hear Eminem's voice and he's not rapping or, you know, doing or in a song. He sounds like a bitch. You know, it's like, where's my snare? I have no snare in my headphones. I have no snare. I have no snare in my headphones. He's a little diva. He sounds like that to you? You sound...

A little bit more vulnerable than Eminem sounds in that clip. I don't have a snare and I want one. Did Adam do that? I thought that was just the soundboard again. See, that's how good of an impressionist I am. Listen, see, that's Adam. Adam's the one that's like whining. Now listen to him. Where's my snare? Bro, that basically says give me my snare. Okay, now Adam go. Where's my snare? No, Adam go.

That would be a really cool way for a rap song to start. Just a rapper throwing a fit to the sound technician. Just, I'm supposed to have a snare right there. Turn it up. Why isn't there water in here? Okay, go. First of all, there's no snare. There's no snare in my headphones. And like the cushion on the ear is like kind of chafing. Okay, drop the beat. Bitch, I'm gonna kill you.

All I'm saying is it's still soggy from when Busta was in here. It's still soggy. I need a new little net thing in the front. Just a wet nap. This thing is super funky. It smells. It's stinky. It's foul. Who used this? Where's my snare? It just smells. No, it's fine. It's fine. It just smells a little weird. That's it. It's just a smell. I can't rap with the smell. It's a smell and just a wet nap.

I bet there are outtakes. You know what I mean? Like, it's not on the album, but for sure somebody has been recording when someone's like, does anyone have like a sucrette or like a lozenge of some sort? Yeah, yeah. Can I get a hot tea? Yeah, straight up. I just pooped my pants, y'all. Y'all motherfuckers. Y'all, can I get some Earl Grey in this bitch for real, though? I'm feeling a little scratchy. Local honey. Who let that guy in here? Yeah.

I'm trying to rap and this man is in here. I have no snare in my headphone. Yeah, can I get some Earl Grey in this bitch? Yeah, somebody get him the tea and get him out of here. I've got hot bars. It's just the janitor right before. That's the rapper. Right. Get him out of here. I'm ready to spit.

bit. But then that's how they found Ja Rule. He was just sweeping and he was like, yo, can I get some Earl Grey in this bitch? It was Ja Rule hunting. That's hell of a time. Yeah, he's like, this is great. Jadakiss was in here right before this and threw up all over the booth. And I had to mop that shit up or

days. And they're like, wait, what'd you say? I said, I said, mop that shit up. Whoa. Okay. All right. We like that. Mop that shit up. Mop that shit up. Okay. All right. Mop that shit up. I do want to hear like Busta Rhymes just explaining his IBS to somebody who's never heard of it before. It's like, it's irritable bowel syndrome. Basically, like I just shit my pants at any moment and it's a real thing. And everyone's like, damn. Jet, jet.

Right. Okay, Buster, we're about to play the beat. Okay, just put your hands where my eyes can see. I can't. I'm holding the dookie in. No, I think you're leaning on the button. Put your hands where my eyes can see because you're hitting something in there. Wait, that's good. Wait, that's good. Okay, give me some mo. Now give me some mo. That's good. That's good. Where's my snare? That's dangerous. Okay, I had a drum set in here and I think somebody moved the snare. Where's my snare? And then Buster's like...

Yo, let me get flip mode in here. And everyone's like, nah, we're good. Just you. Just you, Busta. All flip mode? Yeah, can I get all of flip mode in here? And the producer's like, nah, Busta, just you. Okay, well then pass the Kvasie. It's time to wrap. Wait, that's good.

I love acai bowls. They're probably my favorite breakfast. And where the hell did those things come from? They weren't around when I was a kid. Now they're everywhere. I want to talk to the publicist of acai. They're doing great work.

I love that Amazon fruit, let me tell you. Or berry. Is it berry? Yeah, they really, it's a berry. Are berries not fruits? Yeah, they're fruits. A berry's a fruit. A berry's a fruit. Fruits and berries? Yeah, fruits, yeah. Is a berry a fruit? A berry's a fruit. Oh, we got our podcast title, Is a Berry a Fruit? Be sure and tune into that. Yeah, 100%. A strawberry's a fruit. Yeah. A blueberry's a fruit. What are you, is a berry a fruit? Did you know that a kiwi is a berry?

We're learning a lot. We're learning a lot about each other. We don't know what fruits are. Don't know how to tell time. I can't speak. Remember when you had your first kiwi and it was like, it was all furry on the outside. So you're like, all right, what is this? But then you get on that inside and it's pretty damn good, isn't it? Wait, dude, do you know that? Do you eat the, I eat the skin on the kiwi. Did you know that? Have any of you guys ever done that? Well, laugh.

Gross. Yummy. Why? What? Yeah, why do you eat the fur? Why do you eat the fur of the skin? Because I got sick of cutting it, and then I saw this PA or an assistant up in Canada, up in Toronto. She was like, I just eat the whole thing. And I was like, what? Do it. And she did it. And I was like, and you're cool? Yeah. She was like, watch, I'm going to get Kyle to eat the whole thing. I just have to eat it once. I eat the whole thing. Yeah, and I looked it up, and it's fine. He actually got a lot of the fiber. I'm sure it's fine, but the outside doesn't taste good. Yeah. No, it's...

Awesome. You can eat the rind of a watermelon. It's so dope because you snap right into it. You could keep the hair on ribs. Hey, I want my ribs, the hair on. Thank you. No barbecue sauce. I eat the rind of a watermelon. I eat all that shit. Why? It's delicious. It's great. It's not delicious. Adam, the rind of a... You're going to go on record saying the rind of a watermelon is delicious. I think it's rind...

I know, but he said rind. Weird, wild stuff. However you say rind or rind. Rind or reason. Yeah, I eat the rind. But it's not delicious. It's for sure not good. To me, I like it. I eat this sweet treat. So you would eat just, would you eat the bowl? Hang on, you want to know? Would you eat a bowl? No, I want to ask you this question. Would you eat, if someone had a bowl of just the rind, you'd be like, oh, I'll have that. That's delicious. Uh.

I don't know if it depends on if I was hungry or not, but... Okay. If he's hungry, he's going... Well, wait. Hold on. Let's say this. Let's say this. In this scenario, Adam, you're hungry.

Okay, then yeah. I'm pissed now. Then absolutely. So he's eating it. Yeah, that's fine. No, I mean, I guess delicious is the wrong word. I'm sorry that threw you for a fucking loop, Durs. I said delicious and you got spun out of control. It's a very specific word. It's not delicious. Well, why don't you cry about it?

I like it. I like it. When I eat a watermelon and I get to the end, I'm like, guess what, baby? I'm not stopping. I like the crunchiness of it. I like that you got to chew it a little bit. You say that to the watermelon? I like it. Honestly, Adam, I love that about you. I love that you eat everything. He eats the whole apple too. I know. I love it. I think it's so fucking cool, dude. I think you're so ahead of the curve on this, bro. And I'm like, just, I'm into you. I'm just a fucking garbage disposal of a human.

and I don't mind it. You know, I think I started eating the core of the apple like as a child, like as a bit,

Like as a, I'm a wild man. Yes. And then now I can't. And also like, what do you do with it? Then you have this piece of garbage with you and you're out and about and I don't want to just like throw it somewhere. So I was like, you know what? I'll eat it. You throw it anywhere. It is an apple. A squirrel will come eat it because that's what apple cores are for. Squirrels. I throw my apple cores and I hope that a tree pops up. Like every time I finish an apple, I throw the core and I pretend like I'm Johnny Appleseed. Yeah. Adam, every time you eat it, you're not planting a tree. Yeah.

No, because what I do is I always shit in my yard. Oh, so you're putting the seeds out there. Always, constantly. It's science. I...

I'm fine. I'm always sprinting outside and shitting in our yard. What are you doing over there? Oh, I'm planting a tree, asshole. I'm planting a tree, sir. Do you have a problem with that? It's called hue manure. I feel like Adam admitted that eating the apple core started as a bit. To me, it kind of feels like, Kyle, you eating the skin of the kiwi is also a similar thing where it's kind of become like this thing you're proud to say you do. It's a little off center. You're like,

Guys, I actually eat the furry, disgusting part of a kiwi. That's how you introduce yourself. But it's not furry or disgusting. It's just the shell of it, and you just bite right into it. It's delicious. No one's saying it's disgusting. It's just not good, and you don't have to eat it. Not preferred. And I've used this word before on this podcast to deaf ears, but it's purely utilitarian.

Well said. I grab a kiwi. I run it underwater. I don't need a knife. I just eat it. I don't need a knife. You don't got to cut anything. Yeah, it's less work. It is utilitarian as fuck. It's a kiwi. It's a kiwi. You can use your finger. It's not a knife. You don't need a knife for a kiwi. Yeah, you do. You can tear a kiwi apart with your bare hands. Blake is strong. Yeah, but then there's just juices all down the front of you. That sounds hot. Yeah, that's not...

Oh my God. You're missing on some good stuff. The skin has good stuff. You do need to wash it, but the skin has good stuff. Oh my God. The skin's got good stuff. The skin's got good stuff. You can't just... Oh my God. Hey, Kyle. What up? I got an idea for the salad bar. Yeah, what up, baby? Like, if you're a company and you've been throwing away the rind and the skin, just send it to Kyle's salad bar where there's a whole trough of it because there's good stuff in it. Well, I never said I would eat a bowl of the skin.

Okay. Hey, there's good stuff in it. You know what, though? If you fucking dehydrated the skin of a kiwi... Come on to Carl's Good Stuff Salad Bar. If you dehydrated the skin of a kiwi, I bet it would be bomb as fuck. Bomb as fuck. I'm going to say I doubt it. Maybe if you salt it well. You know what? Salt it. Bomb as fuck. Salt it.

A lot of people playing Animal Crossing. You play? Oh, that was what I did during quarantine. That became my reality. That's where I had my New Year's. And a lot of people picked up some extra skills. Maybe they got in great shape. Maybe they learned to play the piano or the guitar. Wrote a script. Wrote a script.

Did something to further their career. Some of us got in great shape and then also lost it and slipped and got fat again, you know? And then got fat right again. Yeah, did them both. Some of us did them both. Yeah, no, I decided to play video games and get good at a thing that no one needs to be good at. Are you good? But it's Animal Crossing. That's not even like a real video game, though.

I understand when people play a Call of Duty or something, and it seems very intricate and intense, and you can play with your friends, and there's levels to this shit. Or even a Fortnite, where you're like, okay, you could be a nationally ranked Fortnite guy. Animal Crossing, you just are tending to a farm? A digital farm. Explain it to me. What?

Pretend I'm a man who is... Pretend he's me. Yeah, or me. This is 40. Pretend I'm Anders Holm or Kyle Nowacek or Adam Devine who were, you know, almost 40 years old. You know, you could even pretend like you're explaining it to each of us individually.

Obviously, we're super deep into video games, but like... This is 40. This is 40, man. Things all slow down when you're 40. Yeah, actually, I don't know. There's probably no way I could sell you guys on the game of Animal Crossing because it is just kind of...

You live on an island, you design your house, you buy clothes. Ooh, dream. Yeah, you chop wood to make bells. That's the form of money in that game. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's just kind of like a lifestyle game. It's a way to escape reality. But Blake, your reality's pretty dope. You know what I mean? Okay. If you spent that time and you worked on some scripts, some TV shows, then you could legit buy a house on an island. Yeah.

And an actual wardrobe. And actual buy clothes and make bells if you wanted to. You could even sell the bells, real life bells and make more money. You're in a position that you can live an Animal Crossing lifestyle in real life if you played less Animal Crossing and just more the real life game. Yeah, yeah. This is all hitting too real for Blake right now. He's like, oh shit. I'm sorry, Ma.

If I know Blake and I think that I do, everything you're saying, Adam, is just a little too much for him. Yeah. Yes, it's giving me anxiety. It's making me want to go onto my island. He's like, that just seems like a lot of stuff. Is that why you're laughing? You're giggling because you're nervous? Every time I laugh is out of nerves. It's because I fear it. You're so nervous on all of our podcasts.

Friendship. What? Oh, man. Friendship. Finish me. What's up, my best friend? Hey, best friend. My motherfucking best friend. What's up, best friend? My best friend. My best friend. My best friend. My motherfucking best friend. He's my best friend. I wish I had my tambourine for this. He is my best friend. Yeah.

That's my best friend. Oh, that's great. Remix. Megan Thee Stallion comes in. Okay. Good job. Do you think Megan Thee Stallion stole that from us? Do you think she works for SNL, heard our other bits, and she was like, these guys are on to something, and then took that bit from us from an old sketch that we made more than 15 years ago? Yes. 100% she did. Absolutely. She used to be Megan Thee Comedian. She did. And then just...

Change some letters. Yes. I remember that. She was very funny, too. Megan, the comedian. That's tight. That's not bad. That's tight. Have we ever played the Best Friends track on the pod? Should we, like, throw to it and come back? Play it.

Play it for the people? Yeah, yeah. Let's play it, okay? Early music for y'all. If you're waking up, here's some music for y'all. This one's for all the best friends out there. If you're waking up, or even if it's in the afternoon, or even if it's maybe post-workout, whatever you're doing, we feel you should think about your best friends. And after this, if you're not currently living with your best friends and seeing them all the time, give them a shout. Give them a call.

Yeah, give them a holler. That's what I love about this podcast. I get to see my best friends all the time. Okay, roll that beautiful bean footage, Blake. Even if it's at midnight, have fun. Yeah. Friendship. Friendship.

Just thinking about you Makes me wanna cry

I miss you so much since you've been away Other people start to think that I might be gay But I just think you are a really cool dude And sometimes at night I see you in the stars You're my best friend, you're my best friend You're my best friend to the day that I die You're my best friend, you're my best friend You're my best friend

My best friend. My best friend.

And we're back.

We're back. How about that song? Man, I have a lot of fond memories of that song. It's given us a lot of mileage. We've performed it on Conan. Conan O'Brien? Yes. We did. Well, Conan played the guitar for it on Conan O'Brien. Can we do this? I almost did this on Instagram yesterday, and then I just got busy and forgot, but like

A Conan O'Brien appreciation day. Yes, we should. OK, into it. Holy fucking shit. Conan O'Brien. Yeah, he's the best. The absolute man. Well, he was the very first person that gave us a shot.

on uh late night the first ones that uh is that right yeah yeah yeah i'm not even talking about like associated to us and like the favors he's done for us i'm talking about like this dude wrote on snl way back in the day influencing us in ways we didn't even know right then writing on the simpsons i wasn't a huge simpsons guy but i respect the fuck out of the show and then his talk show fucking blew my mind i watched it every night in high school and college

Un-fucking-real. Yeah, the dude is great. I would stay up very late to watch his show just because the sketches were so insane. And also, I felt like the guests that would come on knew that you could get really wild. And that was what was cool about us going on his show is he allowed us to do whatever the hell we want. We did Wizards there. We did Best Friends.

I want to say thank you to the listeners sticking with us. I had a family issue. My father, my father. My fat dad. My fat dad. He is fat a little now. He just recently gained like 20 pounds. I'm like, this is great. Yeah, he got a little fat all of a sudden. We love it. He's living. He was a little hefty back in the day. Back in the day. Then he lost like 50, 60 pounds and got all shredded up.

And then he's recently put on like 20 pounds, but it's good because he just got the cancer. So he got the cancer. Take on Blake on that one. He got the cancer and the doctor's like pumped on his little extra pudge. He's like, oh, hell yeah, bitch. And this I'm I'm quoting him verbatim. I was just going to say this is a doctor in Venice. These are the best people.

What's up? I'm Dr. Malibu. This is a cool doctor. Oh, hell yeah, bitch. This is the same guy I got my weed card from. Yo, hell yeah, bitch. Look at this chunky mug. You got the cancer. You're going to beat the shit out of this cancer, Braj.

Can I pull out the deep dive card and make you talk more about your stray cat, Jessica? Yeah, so... You had that? Yeah, so you know how I used to do a paper route every morning when I was a youngster? That was the morning routine. 19 years old. There was this really cute, like, furry brown cat that would roll up every single morning, like, and watch me wrap the papers. And I was like... Watch me wrap. This cat is the nicest cat I've ever met. You were like...

I love this cat. But she had tons of dreadlocks, like tons of dreads in her hair, like straight up Bay Area. Shake them dreads, dude. That's cool. So that cat probably smoked weed. That sounds like a cool cat. Down ass cat. Definitely smoking grapes. But yeah, so I eventually decided one morning to kind of help her out. Well, I started to feed her and then cut the clumps out of her hair and then she kind of just kept hanging around the house. Wait, what?

You were giving a stray cat a haircut? Yeah, dude. She had big old

lumps, like huge dreadlocks in her hair. Like lovely lady lumps? Check her out. Wait, the things that you just said that you liked, you cut out? No, I don't. You just said you liked them. Well, I don't think she was super hyped. She had a beautiful coat once you cleaned her up a little bit. I thought this cat smoked weed. Wait, hold on a minute. What's going on? The coat was so beautiful on the cat. Hang on. You were like, I'm going to bring scissors for tomorrow, and I'm going to give this cat a haircut. How old were you when this was happening, Blake? Oh.

I'm in junior high, so whatever age that would be. That's like somewhere like 12, 13. Yeah, 12, 13, 14. You don't know what age that is? That's what, six? Whatever those things are that go to those schools. Motherfucker, you don't tell time, all right? Yeah, fair enough.

No, I... Dude, well, I'm folding my papers on my porch, so it's not like the scissors are very far away. Yeah, it was definitely part of it. Like, it wasn't like a, I'm bringing my scissors to this alleyway. She's coming to my front porch every morning to be like, yo, you're starting a paper route? And I'm like, yeah, what up? Right. And when you have a paper route, you have scissors just to cut the bands off of it. Sure, sure. So it's there. Okay, to Blake's credit, I am now visualizing this completely. I still don't understand why you...

cut them off when you said that that was the best part about this cat. I don't think that animals like having, I don't know, maybe, but it seems like animals don't like having big old clumps of fur. Are you familiar with the Puli or the Commodore dogs? I'm not. Is that how they naturally settle? Natural dreads. Oh. But I guess you're in charge and you would just shave those dogs bare. Hide your dogs. Here comes Blake Anderson. Oh.

How?

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Hey, guys. We here at This Is Important love Philadelphia cream cheese. It is extremely versatile and can be used to enhance any meal or snack. Yeah, it truly makes everything creamier. And, of course, it can be used in so much more than our classic bagel and cream cheese. You can use it in a variety of recipes, occasions, and even as a perfect snack. For example, you can dip vegetables

or crackers in it to snack on. Enhance your guacamole with it, make a creamy pasta alfredo, or even buffalo chicken dip. The recipes are endless. I love to use cream cheese on my bagels. I even dip pretzels in it, baby. Mac and cheese, ramen, frosting, tzatziki. Now you can make it so much creamier. With so many unique recipes, how could you go wrong?

And yes, you can find a ton of recipes on the Philadelphia website. Visit creamcheese.com for recipe inspiration so you can start adding Philadelphia cream cheese to your recipes at home. When I was a kid, my neighbor had this tree with all these little berries on it. Two of my favorite things, boys and berries. No? I'm into it. Give me a hell yeah! Adam, Adam.

Can you hear us, Adam? I'm trying to talk. You motherfuckers won't shut the fuck up. I just heard it. Yeah. I'm trying to get into this conversation for the last 10 minutes. When he was a kid.

I'm good. Damn, we were- My man had a story about neighbors and berries that I'm trying to hear. Yeah, this is- Dude, I had a really good neighbors and berries story. But I also think he's told this story on the podcast before. That's possible. Well, then you tell it, motherfucker. Right? Because he's like, someone was poisoning him or he was poisoning people. Oh, he started to make jellies out of the-

Okay, and I might have told this story before, but my neighbor had a berry tree, and I plucked off all the berries, and I found out if you squished it, it made like a gack situation, and I sold it to all my neighborhood kids, and everyone got really, really sick. Right, right. No deaths, though. No, someone died, dude. No, I didn't kill it. Allegedly, allegedly. They all died. No, and everyone in my neighborhood died. It was a...

a mass death. Hulu's doing a documentary on it now. Adam, what would happen if they did die? Would you go to prison? As a kid, how old were you? 10, 8, 9? Yeah, I was probably 8 or 9. If you were 8 years old and poisoned 12 kids by just making a drink out of berries, is that involuntary manslaughter or what? I don't know.

I don't know, man. What the heck? I feel like you would definitely get, for sure, get spankings. I feel like I, for sure, like... Bare bottom? You'd get some bare bottom spankings from a judge. And they would, in Iowa, they would, you'd be convicted with 30 spankings, for sure. Yeah. Similar in Concord. Yeah, it's a similar vibe. That's why I liked Concord so much, because I'm like, oh, I like this. I feel like...

You're going to make some good friends here, some good lifelong friends here, and also you can easily buy meth anywhere. That's the vibe that I got from Concord that I also get from Waterloo, Iowa. Okay, all right. My man is back. That's the vibe I get from where I grew up in Waterloo, Iowa is the same vibe I got from Concord. I'm like, there's some good people here. We're going to make some great friends. When I was growing up, I found it hard to buy meth.

Is that true? Do you get a similar vibe? I do. I get a very similar vibe from where I grew up until I moved to Omaha, which Omaha is a little bit bigger of a city, so a different vibe. But where I grew up in Waterloo, very similar vibe to Concord. And I would say even the suburbs of where I grew up in Omaha was a similar vibe. You know, a lot of...

Oh, here we go. Like chain restaurants and cool dive bars and suburban kids. Yeah. There we go. Yeah. And readily available methamphetamines. Right. That's the part that I'm going to have to stop you on that one. Did you find a meth dealer while you were at our childhood hometown? What?

No, dude. I just remember being in that one shitty dive bar that we're all in, and I'm like, oh, I bet I could... When you came up here for Thanksgiving, you were just jonesing for meth, and you couldn't find it. You were up here for like three or four days, and we were drunk the whole time. I'll say right now, I've never done meth, but if you guys all want to do meth, I'll do meth with you guys. If we do it on the pod, I'll fucking do it. Yeah, but we have to do it together. Yeah.

It's just the fastest podcast of all time. We're just dead sprinting through. We thought we did an hour. It was 15 minutes. We're all sweating. Yeah, I think we're done. I think we're done here. We should do math and then do all of our advertisements. That would actually... That would be cool. That would probably push some product off the rails. Yeah, man. I'm in the process of moving out of my home, so I have been packing up my stuff, and what I've realized is that...

I am a stuff guy, it just so happens that all my stuff is completely worthless to anybody except myself. Yeah. Well, you're a collection guy. He's a collector. He's a hoarder. Right, right, right. Those are not, that's not stuff. Those are things, to be clear. Okay. So if you're a hoarder, you're after things. Like, those are my things. Don't take my things.

Right, right, right. You want to have your bear. You got to have your bear. Right. I need my bear. You got to have your bear. That's a hoarder. That's Blake. Oh, your lipstick. Oh, look at that lipstick. So you're saying that stuff carries value in the society we live in and then things are basically stuff you can buy at...

goodwill and things like because that's what I have no I was kind of I was kind of just I was kind of just talking yeah he was I could tell he was just trying to say stuff if you are following it it's like things are stuff that have lost their value that's what I think he was right and by the way Adam I wasn't trying to say stuff I was trying to say something

Oh, okay. It's different. I'm so confused! So things, okay, stuffed things. Stuffed things. You know what I mean? All right, well, that being said, it seemed like Animal Crossing, a little bit of a waste of time, but fun. I do things that are a waste of time, you know. Like what? I jerk off all the time. J-O, baby! I'm always...

As he checks his mirrors there. Goodbye. The second Chloe's not around, I'm jerking off. Right. Well, you used to fuck couches, so you've come a long way. So that's kind of my waste of time that like half, I'll be halfway through a session, a real crank down. And I'm like,

"Man, you could have been doing... You wasted half the day. This is six hours of your life that you wasted on this." Six hours? Buddy, what is going on? Oh, when I crank, I crank down, boy. That's a little... I actually showed Chloe the wizard clip not too terribly long ago, 'cause I was telling... 'Cause she, like, honestly really likes the wizards. The wizards is...

It's not us, but it's our friends from an alternate realm. I think we haven't mentioned them before. Yeah, that they've opened a portal, and they kind of look similar to us if you look in the eyes and look past the beards. But yeah, there's similar vibes to us. If you look past the elastic straps holding the beards up...

Yeah, if you look past that, it might look similar to us, but it's not. But they're not us. And I showed Chloe the album. She loved it. And then I was like, yeah, when we did it on Conan, just said it briefly. And she was like, say what now? And I played her that clip and she was like, holy shit, this is absolutely insane. We had dancers. You guys were super famous rappers? Yeah.

And I said, no, it wasn't us. It was the wizards. Well, one of the coolest things about that performance is we asked Conan if we could have like a flame throwing dragon. And they were like, yes, we're going to see if that's possible. Right. And sure enough, watch the clip. It was a reality. It was awesome. And he like, didn't you say the guys from Workaholics last minute couldn't be here?

Yeah. Because we couldn't. Because we couldn't. Because we couldn't be there. And so our friends, yeah. Yeah. And so our friends had to come in from the alternate universe and do the song. Yeah. I still think one of our greatest ideas that we haven't done yet, but it's still on the table, is asking the Wizards to do a...

up and smoke-esque type of hip-hop tour. It would be very cool. A stage show with the Wizards. So the up and smoke tour was like several different acts, right? Like different rappers? So who was joining the Wizards? Oh, man.

Well, the thing about what he's taking from the Up in Smoke tour is the theatrics. Everybody had their own set. Everybody had their own... That's what you're taking from it? Well, you know what? We could also ask Chuck English if he wants to come on a track, do a beat for us. I say, here's what we do. Here's what we do, guys. We ask Chuck English. We have to ask the Wizards first. We ask...

Eminem. Obviously the Wizards. Yeah. We reach out to Chuck English and Eminem. Eminem and MGK. And whoever gets back to us first, whoever gets back to us first, they get the slot. So there we go. Do we hit up Macklemore who was, who like announced he was going to do a Wizard album and then kind of just put the kibosh on it? That was so weird. What happened? I remember seeing that. Like he just. He must have gotten. The idea? Like 10 tweets about it from people. And then he was like, oh.

There's no way I could surpass the perfection that those wizards that we know did. And he skipped it. Right. When they did their original, their first album, Purple Magic. Right. So what was Macklemore's wizard thing? I kind of remember it. He like announced that he's like, yo, I'm moving on to some hot shit. Get ready for the rapping wizards. And people were like, it's been done. And he was like, well, I don't know what he was like, but he must have heard.

He's probably like, they're on to me. I just know when I saw that, I immediately hit the notes in my iPhone and started to write a little diss rap for if he did drop it. Really? I pulled out a pen and a pad and a beat, too. You mean Young Zell did, not Blake. I'm sorry. I immediately. Well, yeah, exactly. You hit up Young Zell. I went to the crystal ball. Right, right.

Yeah, you hit up Zelda. I went to the cauldron, dropped a Zelda line. I hit up Toby, and I actually got a beat, too, and I was rapping on it, listening to Toby rap on it. You hit up old Toby, the wizard. That made sense. And I was like, that beat is solid. I did not contact Bulldozer. He's kind of on his own shit right now. Yeah, he's kind of down and out, that poor guy. That's too bad. Lamal spells well, too.

He was actually interested in, like, actually getting on a track with Macklemore and, like, and whoever...

Yeah, to actually be heard by people. He was like, I think maybe more people would hear it if we did this instead of just dissed him. Yeah, Limahl has always been the peacekeeper of the group. Well, he spells well. He spells well. He does spell. He spells well. He is Jiggy Stardust. A.K.A. Jiggy Stardust. You know what we should do is contact the wizards and say...

It's like a Blues Brothers type thing. We got to get the band back together and come out with the ultimate album that will then change the world like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Basically, a lot of other musical movies is what this will also be like. Yes, sir. Yeah, I think you could. And we're moving on from the Conan O'Brien Appreciation.

All right. Thank you, Conan. If you want to bring it back, was there something else you wanted to say to him? Tina Coco over there? Me? I feel like I said it and then everyone else was like, yeah, but we rapped, didn't we? Well,

I guess we're done talking about him. Here's the thing. You kind of look like him. You look exactly like him. Would you play him in a bio? Yeah. Would you like to play him? Man, I wish. I don't know if I could do him justice. You've got to believe in yourself. Yeah, I think you've got to believe in yourself. Have some confidence in it. I think you can. I don't have to do a damn thing.

You're right. You're absolutely right. I'll slit my wrist right now. Hold on. Wait. Don't do that. Don't slit your wrist on the podcast. On this podcast right now. Hey, all right. Come on. You should believe in yourself. You don't have to. You should. I love you all. I can do anything with those trucks. I love you all. I'd help you move to heaven.

I'm just not a Penske guy. What could I say?

What's Penske? That's another, like, truck you can rent. You know what statistic that I heard that is fucking insane? Is this a U-Haul statistic? It's a U-Haul, specifically. I read it on the side of a U-Haul. They have those cool little... And that's what I would like to segue to. With those crazy fucking murals that look like you're looking inside the truck. Those things are fucked up. Yeah, they'll fuck you up. Sorry, Adam.

You think the back door's open? Yeah, it's fucked up. They're like, the perspective on them is gnarly. Like, sometimes I'm driving. Yeah, I don't know if it ever really threw me for a total loop. Oh, it's thrown me. Hey, Adam, we'll circle back to whatever statistic you have and just talk about these murals for a little bit. Well, it's bizarre. How are you supposed to drive? Can we talk about the side of a U-Haul truck, those did you knows? Yeah. They're the best. Well, no, and that's where I got this stat is one out of three people get cancer.

One out of three? Yeah. One out of three people. And I read that on the side of a U-Haul truck. Okay. Dude, I remember when my cousin was going through it, I had the same statistic and I was like, oh, so you just have to kind of live...

to fight it before you even have it. Yeah. That's, and that essentially that's how everybody goes. It's either you get cancer or something with your heart and that's how, and I'm like thinking about me and how I'm going to go, you know, just thinking a lot about like my own mortality, you know, dealing with my dad's stuff.

And I'm like, oh, my heart's exploding. I got to be more careful, more tender with this sweet bumping bitch in my chest. Yes, you only have one. Because, you know, I'm Operation Go-Hard all the time. And it's time for me to pump the brakes just a wee bit. Is that what the doctor said to you? He looked at me and he goes, you're Operation Go-Hard. I can tell you're an Operation Go-Hard. You need an Operation Go-Hard.

We just got your CAT scans back, and it looks like you are in Operation Go-Hard. You're going to need to chill out a little bit. You've been in Operation Go-Hard for quite a while.

quite some time. Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah, you have to kind of combat it just as like a preemptive measure if you look at the statistics. It's like, okay. I think it's, I'm going to tone down my lifestyle 20%. Not, you know, I'm not going to totally change my life. For one month? 20%. Okay. Yeah.

Unless my dad... How do you quantify the 20%? What does that mean? Unless my dad just beats the shit out of cancer, then I'll be like, oh, well then, you know. Yeah. Then it's back on. Born to go hard. Then I'm born to go hard. Yeah. Baby, we were born to run. Baby, we were born to go hard. Yeah.

I go hunting with family and friends once a year. My dad, some of his friends, me, some of my friends, we go a pheasant hunting half for 18 years. Now this will, if we're, if we can do it this year, this will be our 18th year going together. And it's awesome. And it's a pheasant hunting and it's birds. So fuck them. And, uh,

But people eat these pheasants. We take them, we clean them, and people eat them. And I'm for that. I'm not just about murdering animals. Like, I'm not taking my BB gun... You're gonna eat the cardinal? I'm all about that, too. Well, hang on a second. Let's rewind a minute. It sounded like you kind of were. I'm not just about taking this BB gun and just going around and shooting any bird out of the sky that I see or any animal that's just in the yard not doing anything. Right. But if this cardinal...

is shitting all over my car every day, dude, and it's gonna end up costing me money, so I'm gonna-- - Money! - Money.

So I think I'm going to murder this cardinal. Look, you are allowed to murder the cardinal for money if you eat it. You got to eat the cardinal. You eat the cardinal, you can kill it. And that's the deal. That's the deal. That could be cool. That's what I was going to say. I'll feed it to a dog or something. I'm not going to eat a cardinal. You have to at least eat a wing. They're not large enough to...

there's no meat on them. Wait, so what was your argument about pheasants then? What was that? You were like, I do this because we eat it and now you're like, I do this because it's going to cost me money. What are you talking about? I'm just saying I'm not all about murdering every animal that I see. I'm not a psychopath. I'm not just walking around with a gun trying to kill a small animal. Now you are. Yeah, now you're strapped. But you are walking around in your backyard with a gun. Where's my snare?

It's in my driveway, and I'm sniping it from my kitchen. I think you can shoot it. You can shoot at rats. I think you can shoot at rats. I think you can shoot at fucking the rats. Cardinals are red flying rats. Yeah, exactly. They're just red flying rats. They're all the same. That's pigeons. No, pigeons are beautiful. They're doves. So it's weird that you guys are making this animal, just because it's pretty, you're making it better than rats. It's a state bird. It's not roe. Hey, Blake.

Why don't you fly out there, shave it, feed it, and make it your own? Yeah, bring your sisters. Well, why don't you fly about it? So, Ders, where do you stand? Where do you stand on this, Jersey? Here's my take. Here's my take. The more I keep thinking of other solutions that have other moving parts, I was going to go, hey, why don't you put one of those little spiky strips on top of the mirror so it doesn't land there? Smart. Yeah, it is smart. Very smart.

way too much time and not as fun as fucking getting a BB gun and just killing this fucking bird and then it's over. It's done with. You can bury it. It might not even kill it. It might just tag it and go, you know what? I got to get out of here. What if it looks right back at you and just goes, okay, you're going to hurt the bird.

And if you don't hurt the bird, you're going to fucking hurt your fucking truck, dude. I guarantee you're going to shoot at that bird. It's going to shatter the mirror. It's an airsoft gun. Yeah, it's going to cost you so much more money. It's an airsoft gun. Oh, just like those plastic pellets? Yeah, plastic. Okay. Yeah, that ain't going to do shit. Yeah.

It is strong. I mean, admittedly. Might as well hit it with a Nerf gun. Why don't you get a fucking Nerf gun and scare it away? My vote is green light if you eat it. If you don't eat it, you don't get to kill it. Well, he's not going to kill it. That gun can't kill it unless it shoots it in the eyeball and it goes through and out the other eyeball. Well, no, then it's going to be blind. Yeah, and that's even worse. But then it won't be able to land on the car unless it can smell the mirror.

See, this is what I hope. This is what I hope. I hope I tag it. It's not murdered. And it goes back to its friends. And it's like, yo, dude, you know, we've been shitting all over that truck for the past two months. We cannot do that anymore. A lot of times you would watch AFV and be like, oh, that dad for sure died, right? Death by getting his nuts kicked a hundred times. Right. He got killed by the Jackalope. I know. Jackalope versus Baker.

Those were the craziest, funniest home videos when you would... It was the craziest, funniest home videos when you were like, oh, that guy, like, for sure, it really hurt himself. Like a dad who's, like, fixing the lights on the roof for Christmas, and then he just slides off the roof, and you're like, he's paralyzed. He's paralyzed. He fell 30 feet. Right. And then it just cuts to a super 90s audience, like...

Yeah. And he's runner up for best video this week. Be sure and vote. They would fucking play that sick music while everyone's doing their little punch pad. It'd be like...

And Bob Saget had the last laugh. Yes, he did. Bro, they were doing voiceovers on all those clips, man. They would string out... That's right. Can we just do a Bob Saget appreciation? Dude, let's start it now. I mean, think about it. Okay, stop the pod. This guy's trying to appreciate today. Thank you, Ders. I love that. I love that about you. Hey, man, give them roses while they're here. There you go. Thank you. Yes. I'm with you. I'm with you. Bob Saget...

Thank you, bro. Thank you, Bob. Thank you, Bob. You raised me, man. DT, Danny Tanner. For all those little voices that you put underneath people getting hurt, that shit was funny as hell. I don't think that was him. I think he brought Dave Coulier on board to do those voices. What do you mean? Dave Coulier had his own show. Oh.

Dave Couillet had his own show. But Dave Couillet did the voice of the jackalope for sure because it was the same voice. But that wasn't AFV. That was on his show. That was America's Funniest People. I think that he started on America's Funniest Home Videos and then they were like, this guy has a genius. No way. He's dating...

six-year-old Alanis Morissette, we've got to give him his own show. Wait, you think that Bob Saget had a show and then he got Dave Coulier to do the voices and then Dave Coulier was given a spin? Have you never been on a show that Adam created? No, I'm saying then he got his spin off from that because I thought Bob Saget did the voices and Dave Coulier did the voices. I thought it was the same format, two different people. I'm pissed now! Honestly, I don't...

No. Neither do I. There's literally no way to tell, but I'm looking at the cast and it's Tom Bergeron did it for a while. Bob Saget. That's new. That's new. And can we stop the pod for a second and give Todd Bergeron his roses for a minute? Well, no, we can't. Todd Bergeron is killing it. We can't give Todd...

Well, actually, let's give Todd because that might be Tom's younger brother or his dad who didn't get a lot of shine. Check it out. See who he's related to. Yeah. Tom Bergeron might have had a relative named Todd. And, you know, to be a relative of a super famous guy like Tom Bergeron and your name is also pretty close to Tom, it's Todd.

I'm assuming that it was kind of hard for him. So big shout out. Let's appreciate him. Dom Bergeron. Well, their father, Dom, was a huge influence to me as well. He's the host of Prancing with the Stars. Dom Bergeron. I will say that America's Funniest People did have a low-key banger theme song.

And that, I feel like not everybody knows that one. Was it the one that ends in America, America, this is you. That's America's Funniest Home Videos.

No. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. I had the same thought, Blake. That's not. You go look it up, and I'm going to be over here maybe being right. Strangers from the friends next door. That was the Dave Coulier, and I love that we're deep diving. Yeah. Hey, here's a poll for everyone at home. Do you love that we're deep diving? They said, let that us know. Okay, are you ready? Camera roll.

Because it's the red, white, and blue. This is America. The funniest things you do. America. This is America's funniest home videos. America. Kyle, and your voice is just fucking good. Not only is Kyle my favorite actor, he might be one of my favorite singers. I just like how he goes for it, and he's not afraid of what he sounds like. Thank you. You're welcome. I hope to do that forever. Durs is right.

Yeah, this is sick. Listen to that scratchy voice. We'll find out. She's good. America, America, America, this is you. All right. I apologize. I will be apologizing at the end of the show. Just wait for it, all right? But I am sorry right now. I am sorry about what I said. Do you think that's the same woman who sang on...

Was it the step-by-step that had the woman singing theme song? It could have been the full house theme, too. Or no, that was a dude. I think that was a dude. There were so many good theme songs. What's the last show that had a good... Do we talk about Theme Addict? Do we dip back in our own shit again? Well, that is, that scratchy voice is reminiscent of all those 90s sitcom openers, and we do have a dope-ass video. Yeah, Theme Addict is one of my favorite sketches that we've ever done. I thought that was a good...

That was a banger. A classic banger. We did a sketch several years ago before everything where I was like a recording engineer looking for the next hot talent to record a sick 90s theme song for a TV show because theme songs were big back then. And this little rube named Andy, I think. I think it was Andy Bovine, wasn't it? Andy Bovine. Andy Bovine. Yeah. And it's Adam as like this fresh new talent. Yeah.

And he just fucking blows my mind. Then he gets hooked on cocaine. And then heroin. And then he gets a manager. His manager, Chuckie Gay Wagon. Chuckie Gay Wagon. Chuckie Gay Wagon. How are you? And what song did you die recording? Step by step. Step by step, day by day. And then he closes my eyes when he goes, second time around me.

And we're going to play that right now.

Right.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. We had a meth lab across the street from our house. Wow. You guys have been to my house. It's a totally normal suburban home and like just the most regular ass suburban house. Right. And then right across the street, there's a house that's like a

Me and I think it was my buddy Zach, we were – it was our senior year and we got off for a period in the middle of the day. We had like a period off during lunchtime. So we went to my house to smoke the weed and chill. And we're sitting there and all of a sudden we see –

like DEA in like full riot gear, march up my sidewalk. And I'm like, oh shit, how much weed do we have? Wow, they're really bringing out all the guns for our $15 worth of weed. And they throw a battering ram through my neighbors who's like across the street, but I could see into their backyard through their back door. And they came in through the front door. And I guess there's a full on fucking meth lab that these people had in their basement.

Like a full-on lab. Breaking bad stuff. Wow, that is very breaking bad, yes. Yeah. You know what? Meth must be fucking good. So maybe that's why I think... Maybe that's where any place that reminds me of where I grew up reminds me of meth. Durs, I was wondering, what is meth? I've never done meth, but, like, what is it? Okay. Well, why are we asking Durs? Durs hasn't done any meth. Well...

Well, laugh. It's disgusting. I just feel like talking to my buddy Ders. What do you want? What's up, dude? Yo, it's for sure a bunch of stuff with other things. But I don't know what it is. It's chemicals. You're asking the wrong guy. They were mixing baking soda with over-the-counter...

fucking NyQuil and shit, no? I know they make this shit in the bathtubs. And sometimes they put carpet in meth. And like Clorox? Yeah, it's like a lot of chems and then they put even carpet in it because I remember somebody saying, is it that good? Carpet meth. And why do you think they put carpet in it? And be sure and slide in our DMs about the carpet. I'm sure it has to have something to do with what's sealing the bottom of the carpet and you put that in the bathtub and then it dissolves.

You're sure? Yeah. Yeah, he's sure. He's sure about that. Yes, sir. I'm sure it has to do with the bottom of the carpet. Well, I'm sure that that's like the best, that's the best I could come up with. Okay. Yeah, that counts. Like, it must be good though, man. If people are buying it like this and getting hooked, like, fuck. Oh, yeah. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Well, the thing is, is like meth,

You don't want to do any drugs that immediately you go from being a handsome-looking person or a beautiful-looking person to the ugliest, most foul-looking thing. It really does destroy your whole being. And it goes so quick. That's why it seems like cocaine's the best drug because in those mug shots where they take the person gets arrested every fucking year for 10 years straight, and then they're like, it's always like four years in, that person looks hot as fuck.

Fuck. Right. They're like their hottest that they've ever been three or four years into their super addiction. And then it fully goes off the rails.

Yeah, there's been a few of those, like, what would you call it? Chronological mugshot type things. And then, you know, I don't want to shout any of them out because most of those people have died already. Sure, sure. Oh, my God. We were trying to date you at stage four. That's when the meth is really hitting. Then it starts to really drop off. No, I feel like meth, I think you're pretty ugly, like, right away. First stop.

Right? It feels like you fall right off the edge of the cliff. But if you were fat, you lose that fat. You get trim. You have a moment. You for sure have that meth moment. True. But then you start to get the sores and the face tats. Yeah, you get the sores. Next thing you know, it says Mr. Ice on your forehead. And it's like, what is this even? Mr. Ice. That's the automatic tattoo. It says property of Mr. Ice. What does her tattoo say? It says Mr. Ice.

It says, property of Mr. Ice. Fuck. Yeah, I just do always remember any time you would drive through, like, on the way to Vegas, or maybe it was even in Concord, there'd be those posters that said, I lost me to meth. And I was always like, mm, mm, okay. People were losing themselves to meth. One of our greatest sentences ever. Yeah, whoever, the ad wizard for that was just a genius. I lost me, as opposed to, like, I lost myself. I...

Can we get to the bottom of this? Yeah, let's go. What's your longest single orgasm session, Ben? This is 40. Like I'm orgasming for the entire time? No, no. That's a good question, though. We've all had the one where you're like, I already busted. I'm going to run it back. We have?

You've never run it back? You've got to run it back every once in a while. Of course you run it back. I mean, maybe in earlier years, but yeah. Well, when you get to your 40s. Yeah, run it back. What I'm saying is those sessions would be longer because you're looking for a double barrel bang bang. And what I'm talking about is your longest...

single shot session. I'm a man! Yee. And this is why all the gay dudes are flocking into my DMs. Because? Because I won't shut up about my long ass crank sessions. I mean, I bet there's some girls who want to hear about that too, really. No girls want to hear about a man. It's disgusting. Women look beautiful when they masturbate. Men are just an angry gorilla. Thumpin' something. Dude, not all of them.

Yeah, men are just thumping something. They're just like... Yeah. Not all of them. Who looks good cranking down? Jared Leto, probably. Of course he does. Well, yeah, he's saying not all girls look... I was saying not all women look great. Oh, sure. Well, yeah, sometimes they get that look on their face that's like...

Right. Where like they get too aggressive and you're like, slow it down. Well, and by the way, I'm just saying this off of like a cam girl who's like going too crazy. And you're like, sure, sure. What are you doing? Nobody's going to pay for that. That's her job. So yeah, she's, she's put in that work and honors. Somebody will pay for that. Trust me. There's a guy out there.

I said it and I wanted it back. It's called beautiful agony.com. Yo, that was the fucking shit back in the day. Oh my God. For those of you who don't know, and you probably shouldn't, beautiful agony.com was just a camera set on a girl's face as...

She orgasmed and you would just watch her face only. Right. Like collarbone up. Yeah. Right. Beautiful. It was beautiful. Right. People are into the weirdest stuff, man. People, I mean, they find the weirdest shit to just crank down to. The ripping and the tearing. Well, that's just, that's like cranking down to facial emotions. That's what that is. That's no...

Like nothing else. Yeah. That's not that weird though. Is that weird? Yeah, dude. Just someone's face. That is a little weird. It's a kink. I understand it's abnormal. Yeah, sure. So it's, it's abnormal. It's a disgusting habit. I'm just saying to me, that's weird. But, uh, someone else, obviously to you, it's not that weird. It sounds awesome. Well, yeah, it's sometimes, I mean, yeah, it's not that weird to me. Uh,

At all. It's not that crazy. There's something for everybody. There's something for everyone. For sure. Two girls, one cup. Yeah, there's two girls, one cup. That I don't. I'm not endorsing that. Sorry, buddy. When is that going to get sent back around? I'm kind of surprised that hasn't had like a second wave. Or is it like a rite of passage for 12-year-olds everywhere?

I wonder. I bet. I mean, there's so many gross stuff out now. I feel like that's not even that elite level of gross. The cause of diarrhea. Like, what have you seen that's grosser? Yeah, then the eating of the shit and the... Beautiful agony. That's not gross. It's beautiful. You think that's gross? I thought it was beautiful. It's beautiful. Yeah, it's gorgeous. You think female orgasms are disgusting? No, I'm hung up on that agony. I hate to watch a woman orgasm. Yeah.

You're tripping. Well, yeah. I'm not going to unpack that. This is 40. What's going to kill me?

Yeah, or anybody. Whatever. Not like a train or whatever, like a car. But what's the thing you think is going to... The health? What's the health? I think something's going to just drop out of a tree and hit me on the head. And that's going to be it. That's an accident, right? That's an accident. What I just said was bearing an accident. He said the opposite of that. No, it was an accident because you didn't let me finish. Kyle drops a coconut out of the tree and kills me. You got killed by a coconut that I dropped out of the tree? That's what you came up with? Damn.

Walk that one back. I think Kyle's going to kill me. God damn it, Blake. You're just stealing bits from Adam Devine's house party, Hawaii. I see you. That's right. And you busted me. And you busted me. Okay, I didn't know if you remembered them all. I see you stealing that bit. I didn't even know you watched.

A lot of times I reach back into the house party bag. I dust them off. But you guys, I should know. These are the creators of the show here. I'm going to die because Blasen killed me with these jokes.

Okay. Yes, points. What is the most recent show in memory that had an actual good theme song? I'm trying to think of any shows that had a... I mean, I like The Office's theme song. Oh. Look at you. Yeah. It might be Workaholics. When did we stop summarizing the premise? Because that was cool when theme songs had like...

and they actually told you what was going on in the show. That's dope. Right. We don't do that anymore. The Brady Bunch and Small Wonder? Yeah. Can we just give appreciation to Small Wonder? Bro, the Addams Family? Can we give appreciation to Addams Family while they're still here? While they're still here. All right. Yeah. So what you're saying is we should have took the beat from the Skinny Boys. That's the people that do the group that did the Workaholics theme song. Wow, wow, wow.

And kind of explained what our show was. Have them re-record it like, four dudes at home and they work there too. Well, they don't work at home. And there's only three. The fourth one's a ghost and you never see him. There's three. There's three of them. Blake forgot our show. Blake's on a different planet sometimes. You idiots. But yeah, it would be something like that. Like, boo-doo-doo-doo-doo.

I'm sorry, I was just looking at four people on the screen. I assumed Kyle was one of the roommates. Well, I was there the whole time. Yeah, but for seven years, didn't you film that TV show? Yeah, weren't you there for 86, 87 episodes, something like that? Yeah, but at this moment, I'm looking at four people. I was on a crowded street, I'd say, the show with 89 roommates.

that also work together at a grocery store parking lot. I'm sorry, guys. I'm out on the street. I just saw 89 people. I just... Dude. Your eyes are in charge of your brain. I love it. Hey, baby. That's what I'm talking about. It's our microphone, a computer, and four pictures of people. It's this podcast.

Your eyes are in charge of your brain. Oh my God. You're a stupid dumbass. Dumbass. Can we just shout out Beavis and Butters? Bro, give it up for Mike Judge. Let's appreciate Mike Judge for a second. Huge appreciation now. Living legend, mate. I think he's a surfer and I like that. There's another, there's some porn actress with the last name Divine. I bet if you type in Divine into Pornhub,

there's more than three porno actors with the last name divine or first name yeah and then strippers there's one at every club yeah perfect yeah wait fuck where were we we could be for aliens we could talk about porno we could talk about a lister we were talking about adam oh the crossing over the porno i mean like but it's all about money so an a lister you

Would they need to do that? I do remember, and this isn't porno, but Holly Berry, when she did that movie where she showed her titties. This ain't Ghostbusters. Yeah. What about Joaquin Phoenix? Hold up, hold up, hold up. He was about to talk about Holly Berry. Sorry, sorry. I gotta walk you through. Holly Berry had never shown her body before, and then for that Hugh Jackman hacker movie, she showed... It was called Swordfish. Swordfish. Thank you. That changed the game. This is important. She showed her

her Tadas and she was joking on some talk show that she like got paid $2 million more, a million for each Tada. And I'm like, okay, well, so that's, that's close to acknowledging that you're doing it for the money. Right. Yeah. And that's a list.

Yeah. Bella Thorne is on, what's it called? Right? Raking it in. Right. Yeah. She hit me up and said that she'd like to be on this podcast. Bella Thorne did. Oh, yeah? Okay. That's pretty cool. We don't have guests. We don't have guests, but sorry. We don't have guests. But we will talk about you. We'll talk about her. We'll give you a man chat. Yeah, we'll mensh. I like that. We're not afraid to mensh. We'll mensh.

What about Joaquin when he sniffed that girl's ass in the movie? Remember he bit her ass in the documentary, the Casey Affleck doc? I don't know. I think that was a problem. Do you remember that? He was doing cocaine and he had strippers in the studio. When he became a rapper, he put gum under Letterman's desk and he made that crazy... It's called I'm Still Here. Isn't that what it's called? Yeah. What is it? Brown Bunny? Yeah.

Yeah, Chloe Savigny. Yeah. Did a little oral. Yep. But we're talking, I think Adam and I, I don't want to speak for you, but we're talking. Please, I would love it if you spoke for me. We want an A-lister to do hardcore porno. Right. I'm just saying, when is it going to happen? It's going to happen. We're walking down the road. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, because if Jake Paul can box, it's going to lead to Leo DiCaprio doing porno. Yeah. No, no, but Jake Paul is doing this thing.

like this is his biggest thing, right? This is different, but like obviously Kim Kardashian was first mostly famous from that tape, right? And now she's parlayed into something else. Yeah.

Jake Paul's like, well, let me fight these people and become more famous. He's like, I'll be an evil guy for 10 years, and then after that, I'll be just a regular person, probably. That's my guess. Maybe. What about when Kanye West designed the Pornhub Awards? I know he did that. So tight. He did? Yeah, he was the set designer and the production designer for the Pornhub Awards three or four years ago. So tight. It was his idea for just the orange and black. He's like, yo, it's Halloween every day.

We all wear masks. I know he did that. That's like, because he doesn't necessarily need to go over to Pornhub to do that. He's just doing that. You know what I mean? It's just like... Well, I mean, like, what's his name? Dustin Diamond. I mean, there have been, not A-listers, but like...

Yeah, China. China? R.I.P.? Yeah. Classic. It's usually when people have really fallen on hard times. Yeah. You know, it's like they've fallen and they need money or there's something else or they just miss being famous so much. They just need a boost. Right. Something like that. Yeah. There's never been like a full-on...

Angelina Jolie just goes, and now what? Guess what? Here's my hardcore porno tape. Like that's never happened. I think someone will do it as a state. Well, what's his name? Fuck somebody. Vin Diesel. No, no, no. The artists. Oh, Vin Diesel's porno tape. No, no, no, no. Oh my God. Tyrese was. You guys go talk. I'm going to go think on this one. Tyrese was like on Insta live, like shaving his girls. Woo hoo. Really? Yeah. Wow.

He was? It was crazy. That dude does some wild shit on Insta Live, right? Yeah. He airs out some laundry. Yeah, he's got some demons or something. Wasn't he like crying on it? Yes. Hold up, circling back. Is it Jeffrey Koontz, right? Koontz or whatever? Yeah, the artist. The artist. Uh-huh. Right. So back in the day, he either married or engaged or was dating this famous porno star. And then he – I think I've talked about this on the podcast –

He did this whole photo shoot of full-on porno with her, with his dick and everything. And I was in New York and went and saw the exhibit when my first kid was like... You brought your child? 12 months old. He was an infant and we were in New York. One year. And we went into this other room and it was all of a sudden just like 10 by 10 foot...

full insertion close-ups and he was like pointing like whoa and I'm like I don't know if we should be in here we should get him out of here but then I'm like he doesn't know what he's looking at

I'm sorry, mama. But he did it. He was a famous artist at the peak of his powers. And he just did porno. Also, I was just thinking about this. Who's to say that there's not one just doing the POV stuff and we don't know? You know what I mean? Oh, right. Like a little masked band. They're going to drop a catalog on us. Who's filming it and then the reveal is coming. Yeah. It's just Jake Gyllenhaal wearing a ski mask. Just nightcrawler. Throwing it down.

Allegedly. In Randy Quaid's porno, was he wearing a mask or was his wife wearing a mask? I don't know. But if you're at home, feel free to pull it up and check it out. Send us DMs about who was wearing a mask.

This kid that I knew in high school that he... Wait, is that grammatically incorrect? He was like a star basketball player and he was like a stud. But he was like, I'm a senior and this kid's a freshman. And he was like...

yo, Adam, can I get a ride home from school? And I'm like, no, I don't want to. I'm not going to take you home from school. Well, you were a freshman. He's a freshman. Oh, he was a freshman. Yeah, and I'm like, no, no, dude. And he's like, I'll smoke weed with you. And I'm like, get in, buddy. And then he hops in. We're smoking weed together. I'm going to drop him off at his house. And he goes, as we're smoking weed, he goes, hey, dude, have you ever smoked weed with a balming fluid in it?

And I'm like, what? Like what they pump dead bodies with. What is that? Formaldehyde? I'm pissed now. It's a embalming fluid. It's what they fill a dead body. Embalming. Embalming? Embalming. Embalming. Embalming fluid. And that's different than formaldehyde.

I don't know. Question mark. That's a great question. Great question. No way to tell. Slide in the DMs. And so I was like, oh, fuck no, dude. That sounds insane. He's like, actually, it's pretty good, but yeah, okay. And I'm like, that's weird. It's actually really tasty. It's delicious. And then as we're driving, he goes, would you mind getting me some cigarettes? I'm like, fuck. All right. So I pull over to the gas station. Going to go buy this kid cigarettes. I go inside. All of a sudden, it's like...

And I'm fully fucked up on embalming fluid. Ebalming fluid. However you say it. Right. You're balming. Poor eye. You're balming. I'm fucking balming, dude. Balming! Yeah. And it was like the worst, weirdest trip that I've ever had. And I dropped this kid. And then I had to go to work and try to sell steaks. I think you skipped a beat in there. Like you realized that you had just smoked it. Yeah. Right.

Right. And then, and it wasn't until I didn't realize in that moment, I was just like, oh, am I the highest I've ever been? Like I took four hits of weed, but you know, I'm in high school. Like, I'm not sure how things affect me in the same way that now I would probably know right away. But back then I was just like, oh, this weed must be mad good. And then I am at work and I'm like, no, something's not right. I'm fully fucked up. Like,

And what was work? What's work for you at this point? I was selling steaks, Omaha steaks. Okay, good. Not like working with scissors or something? No, no scissor work. But then that kid ended up, obviously he was a little drug kid. He lost him to meth.

And he was like a star basketball player as a freshman. He had a, you know, seemed like a good, at least a good high school life ahead of him. Blew it, man. Yeah, that's a bummer, man. That's a bummer, dude. Addiction can take them. Addiction can take you. It can take you all the way down to the grave. And guys, the moral of the story is just don't do drugs unless you can fucking handle your shit. Unless you can handle your shit. That's right. And if you can handle your shit, and there's only one way to find out if you can handle your shit,

You got to try it. Game on. Just try it. Yeah, you just got to get out of the hole before you can't. All right? That's what it is. Right. So try every drug, but then just if you can't handle your shit, you got to get out. You can't handle your shit. Get out of the hole before you can't climb it. I think that's why I've never done hard fucking drugs because I'm like, I can't handle that shit. Can't. Yeah. Won't. It's good to know that. That's absolutely why I never did heroin or fucking...

Yeah. Acid because I'm like, I think I would break. I would go deep into the heroin world. Yeah. You got heroin written all over. I love the opioids. Yeah. You're my heroin girl. I loved opioids. I love that feeling. So I'm like, right. That's what, that's all it is, man. But you're throwing a needle in your arm and I'm like, also, I don't really dig needles.

No. Right. You could smoke black tar heroin though, right? Yeah, but... Should we do that? It's not the same. It's not the same. Guys, I would never ever do that unless we do it on the podcast together. Right. I like that. No, I would never. We should get a wheel, like a wheel of fortune that has all the drugs listed and just spin it and do it together. Eh, we're not. We're not.

What is this trend of the girls crossing their eyes? Oh, yeah. What is that? That's so weird. Is it an anime thing? I think it's an anime thing. Yeah. I would also say...

Yeah, I think it's, I didn't like it at first. I was like, this is kind of weird, kind of cheesy. Now it's your thing? Now I'm kind of into it. I just worry about these girls crossing their eyes so much they might get stuck. I don't know. It's going to stick that way. Haven't they ever seen the jerk? You know, you get stuck that way if you go too much. You're more worried about their eyes getting stuck that way and not the butt plug getting stuck right up there, huh?

What's up? Yeah. It's times like these that I'm glad we're on video. Yeah. Funky.

Hey, this is 40 guys and the wheels are coming off. Uh, but I am happy for him because that's what he was like most sad about. Like, yeah. Cause, uh, we were like, Hey, yeah, probably gonna have to cut down drinking and shit and all that. And he's like, yeah, yeah. And he's like, but I could smoke weed. And I'm like, I don't think you're going to be able to. And I could tell how sad that made him because ever since like I was old enough for him to talk to me like an adult, uh,

you know, 11. And he was telling me... Will you hold this for me when we get pulled over?

This is yours. No, he had to get drug tested for work all the time because he worked for the railroad. He was a conductor for the railroad, so he had to get drug tested. So he was never able to smoke weed his entire adult life, basically. And he loved weed when he was a kid. So when he retired, he was like, oh, fuck yeah, I'm back to getting to smoke weed and living the life that I want to live. And that was only a few years ago now, and just to have that yanked from him, I could tell how sad it made him, and I was pumped when the doctor was like,

Oh, hell yeah, bitch. Yeah, yeah. This doctor is dope. And that's a quote from the doctor. The doctor's super cool, guys. He wore tie-dye. This doctor's legit. Like, he gets it, man. But for real, I'm pumped, too. I thought about that with Dennis, like, right away. Yeah, yeah. I think he's going to be good. I imagine him being, like, totally, like, nodding his head, stone-faced, hearing all, like, the odds of making it and the procedures and all the shit that's going on. Oh, God. That was...

He just, one tear comes down and you're like, dad's gonna be okay. He's like, no, no, I just thought of one thing. Am I going to be able to smoke weed? And they're like, yeah. And he just wipes the tear away. He's like, okay, we're good. All right. No, he goes, oh, he, he literally goes, am I going to be able to smoke weed? And the doctor's like, uh, yeah, yeah, you will be able to, you know, and he kind of explained it. He goes, good. Then we're beating this shit. Yeah.

And then he put on his sunglasses and ended the zoom. Love your father. That's all I needed to hear. He roped a steer with his dick.

Oh, he's the best. Oh, good. Like he wasn't going to beat it until he was allowed to smoke weed. And he's like, okay, good. Then we are beating this shit. All right, good. Come on. He's getting in the proper mind state. I mean, marijuana is super valuable to the process for sure. Because even like what you're talking about with like the appetite, you really do lose it. You've got to smoke that weed, get them munchies back. Well, I kind of thought it was going to be just edibles. And I like plugged him with tons of edibles.

and the can, the weed drink company that I've invested in, C-A-N-N. And so I gave him a ton of that shit. And I figured that's what the doctor was going to be like, okay, yeah, but just stick with edibles or whatever. And he was like, no. And the doctor was like, nah, Braj, rip that shit, dog. This doctor is the best. Dust off your zong, dude. This guy won a Nobel Peace Prize. Dude, he's off the fucking charts. Yeah, man. It was Peace Pipe Prize, bro.

brah. He's tight, dude. So tight. Damn. That's what's up. Did he get the prognosis standing on an endo board? You thought he won a Nobel Prize, but he just won a Nobel Prize? He fucking kickflips his endo board and is like, you're good. You're good, brah. Oh, man.

That's what I'm most looking forward to of having kids is like having a reason to be like, you know, let's go down the candy aisle real quick. Because I don't really fuck with candy as an adult because I'm worried about jawline. But as soon as you have a kid, you're like, well, I have to give them some high fructose corn syrup. Yeah. You know? And it's all good if I gain some weight. I'm a dad now. Yeah, it's okay. I'm a dad. I can strap some on. It's fine. When I was a kid, I remember I had all kinds of weird side hustles.

So I would then take that money. And that's what you called them? That's what I called them when I was robbing the neighborhood kids. Whoa. And I would take that money that I got from my illegal paper route and also robbing the neighborhood kids. And I would get all the ring pops, baby. Dude was a ring pop mob. I'd lower the seat on my bike and just roll with all ring pops up on the handles. Ooh-wee. Flashing. Ooh-wee. Let them know.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. We're back! That's a great one. That one sounds so good. So is that a kid? You said it's like a high school kid at like a pep rally? No, it's college. It's Longhorns. But still, it's like just some 20-year-old dude who now has a place on our podcast. He has a good voice, too. Can we hear him a little? He's making it lower, right? We're back!

Like, that's him putting on the low man's voice. Yeah, he's throwing it down. It's clear, though. He's like the quarterback or something. It's a big deal. It's a stadium. Yeah, his nuts have been dropped, dude. Right, right, right. All right, good. Glad to clarify. He's not waiting for that to drop. His nuts dropped in eighth grade. It's science. And he's been throwing dimes since then. Dropping like Oscar in Ghostbusters 2. We're back!

I've got a big fucking boner right now. That one is so violent. Guys, update. I don't think I'm shooting the cardinal. I got so much blowback. And it's illegal, we found out. Yeah, we found out it's illegal. It's like fully illegal. They're like a protected bird. By the way, that's fucked up. They shouldn't be. They're everywhere and they're nuisances. No, no, stop. But...

No, I'm talking now, Kyle. No, I have something to say to you, though. No, I'm talking. Fuck you, asshole. Well, wait, when I'm done. When you're done, I have something really good to say to you about the Cardinals. Please, please. Okay. Go ahead. Can I finish? And then I was getting all kinds of people that are like, oh, dude, those are angels? And I don't really believe in angels, necessarily, but everyone, like a ton of people are like, oh, Cardinals are like when angels... That is what I was going to say to you, dude. Well, that's why you got to just let me finish so I can complete my thought. Can I finish?

And my dad is going through all his shit right now, so I'm like, well, on

On the off chance that this is real, I don't want to just be murdering possible my family who's like coming around. And also my family, they're wild. You know, they drank a lot of gin and vodka. They might be fucking drunk birds and hitting themselves in the mirror. Yes, this is the setup to this is that when a cardinal visits you, there is some lore from... I didn't research which culture or where it comes from, but the lore is that that is...

a deceased family member or friend coming to visit you. Is that real? And guess what? They're coming and they're shitting all over my stuff. I mean, they're a shitty house guest. They need to use the bathroom. They still need to use the bathroom. Unless that comes from a Native American Indian, I'm not buying that shit. I don't give a fuck! I think that's where it's rooted. I would think that normally a lot of the animal spirits and what they mean come from Native American lore. Oh, my God.

Or a meth head. Or it was just something a meth head came up with. Right. Bro, I heard a cardinal is your fucking, like, dead grandma coming to say what's up. Well, also my grandmother's favorite bird was cardinals. Holy fuck, dude. Jesus Christ. And even my dad was like, that could be grandma. And I'm like, ah, fuck. Who said that could be grandma?

My dad, he was just joking, but I'm like... Or was he? I don't know. No, man. So I'm not going to murder these Cardinals. This is reality shrouded in jokes is what's going on right now. I'm very bummed. I wanted to murder them. So what's the solution? I was saying maybe you could put lunch bags over your mirrors. Yeah, I guess I got to go buy lunch bags now. Well, you can Amazon Prime that shit. No, not an ad. Hey, you know, somebody else also said, return the red truck, get a different color.

I don't have a red truck anymore. I already got a new truck. It's not the truck. It's the mirror. It's the birds. Well, it's actually not even the mirror. It's just somebody's... Adam's grandma is coming to visit him, and he wanted to shoot her. And she's being fucking horrible. Arvella, get your shit together. She's testing you, dude. She's testing you, bro. She always was. No, Arvella was pretty dope, but... No, was she, though? Well, in the afterlife, she's proven that she wasn't. She was on the party bus. She's just testing you, man. Like, come on.

Come on. I think you were also just too young to remember that she was just a pile of shit and she was, she would always shit on things and she would peck at nears. She was constantly pecking. You just don't remember it because you were young. Well, I'm glad you decided not to murder the Cardinal. I think that's the right decision. You know where I'm headed and I'll be live from next week when we record This Is 41.

The Dirty Dirty. The Dirty Dirty. Very good. I am shipping out to Atlanta, and this will be my first time ever visiting the beautiful state of Georgia. So I'm pretty damn... You've never been to Atlanta? I've never been to Atlanta. I'm like so excited to go. I'm very, very, very excited to see what it's about.

Magic City Monday. That's what they say. 69, dudes. Yeah, I'm very, very excited for that. Good chicken wings, according to Lou Will. Yes, Lemon Pepper Lou. Oh, yeah.

Well, that's the other thing. Now that Atlanta Hawks have advanced to the next round, maybe I'll even get to see a little NBA playoff game while I'm out there. You got to go. Hey, if that's the case, dude, I'm in Charleston. I'll come down to Atlanta and catch COVID with you at a game. Damn it. Okay. That's what I'd like to hear, baby. I'd love it. Oh, my God. Put a couple weeks on the end of your productions. All right.

I'm fully vaxxed up, man. They're not catching me. What's it like just running around in your 30s, guys? Just crazy. Yeah, I will say I'm starting to feel a little flagrant about like, I've still rocked the mask and all that, but I don't

I don't know. I'm just like feeling good. I'm feeling good about going spots. There's no masks in South Carolina anymore. You go everywhere without masks. Right on. Well, that rocks. Yeah, it's pretty great. And I mean, they're assuming you're vaccinated and I am, but it's nice to feel like...

Civilization is opening back up and you're going to have things that you can go do again and restaurants to go to and just dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty bars to go to. Dirty, dirty. Yes. Dirty, dirty.

I like going into filthy places and you're like, this is where COVID was born, but it's not catching me. I'm scared of you motherfuckers. Dude, honestly, that sounds so nice going into a dirty bar and just fucking, I mean, the only time I went when I was sober was playing the guitar and it would be so sick to just go play the fucking guitar loud as shit in a dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty, dirty bar.

I love a good dive. Dude, I have the endo board from Workaholics with all the gnar puns right here. Oh, hell yeah, bitch. Oh, the endo board pivotal. Do you guys remember this? So everybody at home, an endo board, they're also known as bongo boards. It's like a piece of wood you stand on and balance over like a wooden cylinder. And you kind of rock back and forth and work on your balance. Yeah.

And we had one in the writer's room at Workaholics, and we wrote a bunch of stuff on it. Kyle? That's right. And here we have some of our NAR puns that are written on there. It says Nargarita. Ooh. Hey, I'm thirsty. And it's today's Cinco de Mayo. So as we're recording this episode, it is Cinco de Mayo, and I would love a Nargarita. Would you also like a NARD boiled egg? Yeah.

Less so, but yeah. Hey, wait, hold on. Yes, points! Listen, these are insane. Narnar Binks. Yes, points! Leonardo de Ketchwaves. That's great. Yes, points! Pizza Sus. Nope. What? No, it is. Nope. Nark Kelly.

Yeah. Okay. Yes, points! Did I say can't nardly wakes? Yes, points! That's the best one right there. That's really good. That works on levels. Thank you for saving that one for last. Yes. Thank you. I did a little part in Entourage, and it was a scene with Jeremy Piven. And I remember I was like, I was hella nervous, and I was kind of like...

kind of like biffing my lines a little bit. And I remember Piven being like, bro, you don't sew it up. You're getting axed, dude. He shook me to the bones. That's so cool. I love that he thinks that's his job. Wait, what did he said? You were getting cut? Dude, he's like, come on, Blake. And I'm just like, oh shit, dude. Jeremy Piven's about to kick my ass.

What were you doing wrong? Because he just wants to get out of there. For sure. By the way, like that's going to help. Like that's going to help you. Oh, yeah. For sure. Thank you. Now I'm less nervous because you're yelling at me. Yeah, because the script, like, you know, they really stick to the script. It was one of those like sets where you have to hit every word. Don't add nothing. Well, dude, the jokes are solid gold on Entourage. Oh, yeah. I mean, just like grammatical masterpieces.

I know you're kind of, you know, making fun of it and you're saying that sarcastically, but... Wait, who? Now you're crying. I guess part of what I just said was a joke. But, I mean, it was a generational comedy that a lot of people stand by and it's kind of how I live my life. Right. I don't disagree. A lot of people stand by it. Well, why don't you cry about it? I'm not crying. It's cool because, guys, I'm actually part of the Entourage universe. Yeah, you really are. I'm jealous. Did you come back in the movie? How?

Did I not see you in the show? Were you in the show? You did make it? Yeah, you were someone's roommate. Is that correct, Blake? Did you make it onto the show? Yes. You, like, knock on a window, and you're somebody's roommate. Yes, so Jeremy Piven, I believe, is dating my roommate. She's kind of a younger girl. And this is in the later seasons. I have no idea. It is. And later seasons, he's going through Jeremy's... Ari Gold is going through a...

break up, a separation with

Mrs. Ari, because they never gave her a name. Really? Yeah, it's part of the jokes. That's why it's so funny. Grammatical masterpieces. He's going through a separation and then starts to date a younger woman. That is Blake's roommate. Okay. Yes, so I'm that girl's roommate. I knock on the window and I'm like, hey, bro, do you got any condoms? Because I guess I'm like blazing somebody. Did you do... Well, maybe that was part of it. You like used a voice that isn't your voice. Right. You were like, hey, bro. Um...

Let's go, Blake. Come on, man. Do your voice work. You tried to do too much of a thing and it kind of threw you? He came in with his accent. Yeah, he was like, hey, bro. All right, mate. You got me Jimmy Caps. Was that it? I think it was more just me going like, uh.

And they're like, you have to hunch down and get in the window. And I kept being like, my eyes above the window. And they're like, dude, you're just not in frame. This isn't working. Just couldn't hit your mark. Yeah.

It's not much of the delivery. But you didn't know how to put your head in a window? It was hard, dude. I didn't want to intrude on Mr. Piven's space, man. And this wasn't season one of Workaholics. This is like we were season three or four, I think. That's what I'm wondering too, Adam. So I think you had done...

enough episode this is enough this was a stunt cast a little bit this is an you've done enough episodes of television that you should know how to hit marks and to know the craft i was not with jeremy piven though yeah exactly golden globe or emmy winning i don't know what it was but that dude he won something he just was biffing takes that you weren't hitting your mark your head wasn't where it needed to be it was a whole nother animal dude it was a whole nother animal it wasn't like i i knew on work can you look at jeremy in the eyes please blake

Can you look at him? Like, make this like you're connecting with him. Is that okay? Can you bring your head down a little bit? And he looks at you and he's just shaking his head. Don't do it. Don't you look at me. Yeah, that's the thing. He was fucking with you. Would you rather find a possum at the foot of your bed, like under your covers, or look down in the toilet and find a possum, like, in the water? Oh.

Wait, are you taking a shit though? Or are you pissing? Yeah, or you're sitting and peeing. By the way, we should get into that. You're sitting though. Oh yeah, I gotta start. I gotta start. What do you mean you gotta start? I'm getting, I gotta start sitting and peeing. I'm getting fucking railed for leaving the seat up. I'm so goddamn tired. I'm not like paying attention and I'm getting fucking railed. Well, for sure, you piss all over the seat. You know what I mean? You're a monster.

I'm messy too. I'm messy in the middle of the night. I know that about you, yeah. I fucking spray all over. I hit the corners of the bathroom. Yeah, you're a real hoser. Wait, do you leave the seat down when you piss though? No, no, I do not. I just don't put it back. I had a college roommate who did that and we had to like fucking shake him down. Beat his ass? Jump him? We had to have like a talk. We're like, we had to lay this guy down and fuck him. We had to fuck this guy. Yeah. I was like open wide.

Yo, homie, can we talk to you real quick? No, he would just piss on the seat. We thought it was water for a long time. And then we realized, we're like, wait, did you just not put the seat up? And he was like, oh, no. And we were like, you've been doing this for months.

Sorry. I get it, though. For months. But you're like, you know, when you don't put the seat, I have done that a lot in the past. And it's like, I trust my aim. I'm a great aim. I'll be fine. But you're not, though. I'm sorry. So you are that guy? No, I'm not that guy anymore. I'm just leaving it up now. I'm pulling it up, and I'm leaving it up. Right, right, right. So you have been that guy. When we used to share a bathroom, I remember multiple times when there would be piss on the seats.

Back in the day. For sure. Yeah, well, you know, I mean, I was the only one cleaning the bathroom, so I didn't think it really mattered. Oh, touche. Points. I'm a man. True, true, true. Seven years. Only one right here. True. Adam is like, fair enough. Hey, fair enough. Yeah, true. Never cleaned the bathroom once. Well, Adam's not going to clean your piss. You know what I mean? I cleaned his. I cleaned his. I don't do that. I sit, I have, and I have forever. I sit down and piss.

When I'm at home, I sit down and piss 95% of the time. I'm into it now. Maybe more. It might be 99% of the time. I'm always sitting down and pissing. People have been like, oh, isn't that emasculating? Absolutely not. It's way more comfortable. I piss for a really long time. I drink a lot of fluids. That is true. I have to sit down. You take short poops and long pees.

I do take short poops and really long pees. I think the disconnect I have is like exposing my ass while peeing. Like, I think that that's a problem. Keep going, please. Yeah, yeah. What else? I just find it to be not like utilitarian. It's like, no, I have the hardware to just basically unzip, stand up. Utilitarian. No, and we all know what that means. I think I know what you mean. No one needs to explain it. Yeah.

Well, you know, like, it's like, why do I have to expose my ass and pull my pants all the way down to my ankles when all I really need to do is drop them a couple inches? Because you're going to get on your phone for a minute. Yeah, because you're just going to look at your phone. Take a load off, Annie. I understand it's smarter. I get it's a little bit more intelligent, but this is the gripe I might have with it. All right. See, I don't do it when I'm out in public. Well, not all the time, but usually public toilets are a little more disgusting. So you're like, I don't want to chill in there. Yeah, I would never. Oh.

I'd rather just take a piss in the urinal. And then go shoot birds. I'd rather just assassinate cardinals. The urinal is gnarly too because that shit splashes back like no other. Well, you got to hit the little seashell, man. No matter what, you're getting a little missed. You're getting a missed. You don't piss straight ahead and wrap it around the corner? No.

In the corner? The best thing to do is back up about six feet. If I wear shorts or sandals... Social distance. It just completely opens my eyes to how much I'm pissing all over my feet every time I'm at a urinal. So much piss gets on my legs. Right. It's inevitable. Here's a good question. And ladies at home who really don't spend time in a men's bathroom, you might be shocked by this, but guys...

there's always at least some urine underneath a urinal. Every time. Every time. Without a doubt. I got the pumice. And there's always so many pubes in the urinal as well. How are you shedding this much? They're jumping. It gets cleaned every day. Here's my question. What is the acceptable amount, like square inch wise, of urine on the floor that you're like, God, that's gross. That's too much. Like the size of a hand?

When I slip. If I slip going in, I'm a little worried. When you're barefoot and there's any amount. Yeah, 100%. If it's bigger than a hand, I can't. I'm like, that's fucking nasty. But if it's like five drops, like five quarters on the floor, I'm like, yep, fine.

Five quarters? Like the size of five quarters drops. Okay, okay, okay. Well, it is amazing how much I feel like we're so much more open now as a society. Russians have ships that can go side to side. Yeah, for sure. Those are aliens. And we have combustion engines. Yes. Definitely aliens. But back in the day, you used to go to baseball games or basketball games or whatever, and there would just be a trough.

where you just all had to piss into a tub together and there'd be like a grown man right across from you. And this was when we were children. So you're just at dick height and there's just dicks on each side of you pissing. There's a man directly in front of you. Lots of pee, lots of smells. His dick is right in front of you. There's one resting on your shoulder.

I've got a big fucking boner right now. Hopefully there was no boners. Hopefully there was no boners. You have to arc your piss up into this tub or your dad has to hold you with your legs dangling as you pull out your little dick and just try to get it into... What a nightmare situation. But also, what a cool homie move to hold your boy up. Dude, that's my move. Boy dad.

Hashtag boy dad. I'm so good at just like holding that dude up and I like shake him. Like when he's done, I give a whole body shake to just get it out. Yeah. If the bachelor party is really good, we're going to be doing that to each other in the Ozarks. For sure. Oh, please. I hope that I get drunk enough that you guys hold me up and shake me to get the piss droplets off my dick. A writer on the...

the gemstones he was telling me that he uh last year had to stay at a hotel and he was living in this hotel throughout the whole production and he got an oculus and he was like well i gotta crank down so he's like watching the porno on there which i don't even know how you find the porno it finds you no i can't even find supernatural yeah i don't know how to find it it's the app that they gave us the the oculus so i should be able to easily find it anyways

He was on the porno. He's convinced that the maid came in and cleaned up as he was sitting there butt naked on the couch jerking off at his hotel room and gave him ice. He was like, dude, I swear to God there was no ice there.

So he has goggles and the headphones on? He had the full-on goggles and the headphones on, just jerking off on a couch. And the maid comes in, like the turndown service, and just left the ice there for him. And I'm like, that's the funniest thing in the world. I guess they've seen it all by now, right? Yeah. Oh, man. To be a maid at a hotel, I mean, you must just see the weirdest, wildest shit. Because people don't give a fuck at hotels. So this dude had a messy-ass room.

Threw his goggles on took out his chud didn't put the do not disturb thing on the door. Yeah, I obviously didn't write He know what he was doing. Yeah, he was he was hoping to get a little show lost and then he fucking Took the goggles off to clean up and everything's good, but that's the thing That's the thing his whole fucking room is clean with new eyes that is made around He only told me about the the ice, but I'm like I

I mean, I need to have a follow-up question and ask him if the bed was made, if there was a little mint on his pillow. Or did she just show up with ice and then just drop that hella quickly and then be out of there? You know what I mean? My guess is it's probably that. You don't want to stick around and watch that. Tap him on the shoulder and be like, stir your ice. As we said, men don't look... It doesn't look natural when you see men jerking off. Right.

Right. It looks painful. When you see a man with his legs behind his head. Incredibly forced. This is 40? Weird, wild stuff. This is 40 indeed. Gotta stay limber. This is 40. I was talking today about shit that we allegedly did in the past that like now for sure we wouldn't do. One we would probably get in all kinds of trouble for. Yeah, let's talk about it. And these are things that maybe we didn't even do.

And maybe, allegedly, that's why we're saying it. Allegedly we did, allegedly we didn't. Correct. Maybe we're just... It's a podcast. We're just being funny. Yeah, we're telling funnies. For the gigs. For the gigs and the chucks. Yeah, yeah. But remember when we were allegedly at Comic-Con and we were playing beer pong with Kent Alterman, the old president of Comedy Central? This would be funny. And then we whipped our dicks. It was like the last ball. We were losing in beer pong to...

I thought it was Kent. The Drunk History guy? Yeah. It was Kent and Drunk History. Yeah, Derek. I thought it was John Benjamin, wasn't it? Yep, I think it was John Benjamin and Drunk History dude, and Kent was watching? And Kent was watching. Yeah, Kent was watching, and he's the president of Comedy Central, essentially our big boss at Comedy Central. Great guy. And we were playing with him, and we just whipped our dicks out and were like flat.

So we had only one cup left. We had one cup left. We were losing and it was like, we got to do anything so they fucking can't beat us. You pulled your nuts out. I got on my knees and started licking at them. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah.

Dude, what? And that's what happened. What happened? You weren't there, dog. I was over by the pool. Well, dude, I think that's a pretty common practice in beer pong, like the distraction technique. Oh, yeah, it is. We still lost. I think he still made the shot. So you licked your friend's testicles and lost? I didn't actually lick it. I just was like flicking my tongue at it. How close were you? It was like close. He was like... How close were you? If anything, I was wafting the scent of it into my mouth. He was waft.

Yeah.

Hey, you want to play beer pong? First ball out, you're like distracting. Yeah. Oh, let's distract him. Let's distract him. Let's distract him. We don't have to yet. Oh, why are you making your dick mouth talk? Oh, let's distract him. You should pull your nuts out. Why are you pulling your ball sack over your dick? We just started.

That used to be such a move, is pulling just your nutsack out. That was like the funny... Yeah, we called that bubble gum. Yeah, you sat in gum. Just kind of the skin. Just the skin of the nuts. I think I told this story at summer camp. One of our counselors allegedly, he like woke us all up and he had his balls out of his boxer short hole. And he was like, yo, wake up guys. Hey, and check out these new underwear I got. And we would all turn and look and his nuts would just be... Hilarious. Yeah.

Oh, God. It was so funny. And he was standing over top of you just jerking off. Well, I mean, at that point, I'm like, I might as well suck it. He taught me how to shoot a bow and arrow. Okay. Oh, my God.

Hey, thank you, God. There we go, man. What a cool relationship between like an 11-year-old and probably like a 17- and 18-year-old. Just like shit's going crazy. How are camp counselors in charge? And these kids are just laughing so hard they're crying. I miss that. I miss being a kid when you would just laugh.

so hard that you were crying of laughter. Yeah. I don't laugh anymore. Everything got too real. Yeah. Can we take a minute just to appreciate Jeremy Piven? Yeah, hell yeah. Hey, Evanston Township High School graduate. He's an alumni of the high school I went to. He was one of the first celebrities that I saw in Hollywood. I was walking Runyon Canyon with me and –

I think Christine and our dog Rocky that we went off the television show, who gets the dog, check it out. It's on the Fido network. And then to that now, uh, who gets the dog and we're back. And then, so I'm walking up running Canyon and I'm walking up this steep way and he's running down the steep way, uh, holding shirtless, holding,

holding a mountain bike over his head with like 6% body fat or something. You think he stole it? For sure he robbed somebody. He beat somebody on a bike. I think it was just like that was peak Entourage. Entourage was still on. It was probably like season three or four at that time, and he was like a fucking star at that point. I think he was just like, yo, I got to get out there. Let Hollywood know that I can carry mountain bikes above my head and run Runyon Canyon. Yeah, baby. Mm-hmm.

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Another thing about the pee next to you is that when you're a kid, you're like trying to like fucking just, ah, if I could just pee because you got stage fright. These men have had like four 24-ounce beers, so they're just ripping piss out of their hogs, right? Give me a hell yeah! And admittedly, so much easier to piss after you've had a few beers. Oh yeah, you can't not. Even if it's not just the amount of fluid that's in you, it's just...

You don't care. Your dick's out. You're pissing in front of other men. It's fine. You're all doing it. It's like the proton blaster from Ghostbusters 2. Right. You can barely control it. Right. It's science. It's almost exactly like the proton blaster. Don't cross the streams. Don't cross the streams. Cross the streams. Don't cross the streams.

Did I tell you guys about this last week? I went to this woman. She's a healer. What? Yeah. People on set recommended me because I know I have this neck thing where I tweaked my neck. It's been years now, and you guys probably always see me crack it and shit. I have seen you do that. Yeah, it's kind of fucked up.

And so I really tweaked it the other week and I was like, "Ah, my neck, my neck." And I'm on set and they're like, "You should go to the healer." And I'm like, "Okay." And I'm telling Chloe about it and I'm like, "I'm gonna go to the healer." And Chloe's like, "You're gonna get jerked off. You're for sure getting jerked off." - Nice, nice. - She's like, "I'm coming with." - As long as she got six hours. - And then I go to the healer and I come back and she was like, "How was the jerk off session?" And I'm like, "Her forearms are still burning." - A six hour healer, Adam.

It's a lot of healing. I'm bringing my Oculus. What she was doing is like, I carry all my stress, you know, I'm a maniac. And so I work out all the time and I never stretch and I never do yoga or like do anything. I'd never even get massages. And so like, I'm just this brainless,

ball of stress. And she was like, my neck is fucked up. So she's like rubbing my legs and shit. And like, and like, uh, relaxing muscles, like in my armpits and down my back. And it's releasing the muscles all the way up. And by the end of it, I'm just like a moldable clay man. And I'm all like wet noodle feeling way better. Yeah. Wait, did it like release some shit in you? And you like, kind of like got naturally high. I heard like when you start to doze,

detach all those muscles from stuff and like relax, you can actually catch like sort of a buzz. Well, you feel mad good. I wouldn't say I was high. The weed I smoked before going in there is what got me high. There we go. Right, right, right. Okay, that's my boy.

And every family is different. That's just how my family deals with stuff is like, you have to make light out of it. And like my dad is calling himself cancer dad. And so we're all calling him cancer dad. And he wants to be a cancer fluencer or Ken fluencer.

Is that real? I'm sure it's real. Is that real? I don't know if it's real or not, but he wants to be that when we were joking that he should be that. So and get like a, he's like on a bass boat and he's sponsored by Bass Pro Shops because like fishing is a thing you can do when you're dealing with cancer treatment because it doesn't exert a lot of energy. I love the idea of Dennis doing like a little low budget commercial where he like catches cancer out of the lake. He's like, I'll be throwing this back. Yeah.

Hey, this is a catch and release. Points. Points. That's awesome. I also worked at a pumpkin patch slash haunted house. And me and Austin worked there, my good friend Austin Anderson. And I wasn't fired. I just was not asked back because we both played two monsters. And I was in a costume. I don't know. We kept trading off and on. But one of us were in a costume that was like eight feet tall.

And so you're this giant monster that comes out from behind this trick wall. Are you on stilts or your neck is long? No, it's like the head is kind of resting on your shoulders and it goes up from there. Oh, I see.

we kept acting like we were fucking each other like we'd walk in the room we'd walk in the room and i'd act like i'm fucking him or he'd act like he's fucking me and uh and so it wasn't really scary as much as just like oh those two guys are just fucking shit out of each other what's going on 69 would you call that a gay experiment that might be an experiment yeah i don't know but we had we had a fan ask if we ever had a gay experiment maybe maybe

Maybe that's it. I get body work like once a month, but it's brutal. Yeah, it hurts so goddamn bad. Like there's no, like I might pass out from the pain. This dude who works me is like this ex football player. Now he's like a power lifter. And I am always like, hot, hot, hot, hot. We'll post the picture. But it's brutal. Like I got, you can't exercise or work out the next day because he's like separated the muscles from like,

each other. He like tenderizes the meat. That sounded bad. Right. He's got you walking funny. I feel you. Let's just say I walk funny when I leave that place. That guy fucks Honduras for sure. Let's just say that. Adam, you called this woman a healer. Is the guy we're talking about, is it a healer? No, he's just a guy who does body work on athletes like myself. Yeah, I think it's like a mix of

a chiropractor, a chiro practitioner.

and a chiropractor and a massage therapist. And it's like the mix of those two disciplines. And I don't know. At first I was like, am I going to like rub crystals all over me and like smother myself in sage and shit, which I'm, I don't, yeah, I would try because who, who cares? But also I'm like not trying to spend like 250 bucks on, on rubbing sage on myself. So I was actually really pleased with,

that this one and I went twice. I actually went this morning and I went once a week ago and she was like, it'll probably last for like five or six days and then, you know, stretch every day and then you're going to probably want to come back. And then I waited about a little over a week and

And then sure enough, about a week and some change in, it started to hurt again. Your body just seized up. Yeah. All of a sudden my, my body seized back up, but it was cool, man. So now I'm like, Ooh, should I be into some fucking wellness dog? Bro. Hey, when you get back to LA, I'll send you to my guy. It's,

Brutal. Yeah, I'm trying to get into some wellness. I'm trying to do some Wim Hof. You know, sit in some fucking ice, sit in an ice barrel. I love that as we're all talking about this, we keep kind of adjusting. Like, just talking about it makes my body hurt. This is 40. This is 40.

By the way, Twinkle Twinkle and ABC are the same song. Yes, they are. Same melody. Oh, okay. Which is important. That's a mind blower when you first realize that. Is that for real, Bam? Yeah. Ready? You sing ABCs at the same time I'll sing Twinkle Twinkle. Okay, good. Because I don't know the words to Twinkle Twinkle. Ready? A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P.

Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-A-X-A-G-R-E-X-A-9. Now I know my ABCs. X gonna give it to you. Next time won't you sing with a frog. Was that real? Was that Kyle saying that? What? X gonna give it to you? The X gonna give it to you? No, that was mean. No, I was genuinely singing the ending.

of it. X gonna give it to you. Wow, that was really cool. Oh my God, I thought that was a sound thing or I don't know what I thought that was. He got scared. So you think I sound cool? Yeah. Yeah, thanks dude. You sound like a soundboard. Appreciate that. That was the first joke I remember laughing so hard that I would fucking cry my eyes out as a little kid learning the ABCs. We'd go through all the ABCs and then at the end you'd say like,

Next time, won't you sing with me? You know that part? But what we would do in my car, we'd go through the whole thing. It's all about the setup. And then we'd say, next time, won't you sing with a frog? And it would crack me up. Points. Not points. And you could change it every time. Every time you change it, you'd be like, I don't give a fuck! You'd be like, next time, won't you sing with a monkey? And it's like...

It was just a great show. That is pretty good. That was really special. I loved it. Frog was the funniest by far for me. That's why I remember that. It's a funny work. It was just that confusion attack at the end of a giant setup that fucking cracked me up. And I wonder if we can look at the analytics and see how many people tuned out during Kyle's story.

Right. Yeah, let's check it out. Check the RSS feed. Yeah, just if we look at the, if we have iHeartRadio, look at the analytics and how many people just decided to stop listening to the podcast 50 minutes in because of... I'd like to do an early apology. I'm just knee deep in fucking toddlers. That is true. I'm knee deep in a baby. I'm basically handling about, I got three 50 pound dogs, a baby, and a two and a half year old and I'm changing diapers all day. All right? I'm living in a nightmare.

I think I'm fucking dealing with like six pounds of shit on a daily basis. That's a lot. Like six pounds. That is true. So now you're talking to a bunch of grown ass men and you're like, I'm only used to talking about like ABCs and how fun it is to end it with frog and how funny that is. And then you talk to like your three buddies who...

are damn near 40 years old and you tell that same story thinking it's going to get some chucks and gigs and it doesn't. And I understand that. Or at least a smile or something. You know, something less critical from three of my best friends. Hey, I love you. I love you, bud. You know, that wasn't the best story, but I still love you. I know. And I tell stories that suck too sometimes. Do you want to know why I got fired from the pumpkin farm? Oh, sure. Of course. Yeah. Because I...

Took two steak sandwiches every day and they weren't having it. They would give out lunch and I would always pocket two and they were like, dude, you gotta go. Did you say you were a growing boy? They wouldn't let me do it, man. They didn't dig it. And I sucked at parking duty. Like I would not help people park. I just stood out there. So you stole and did a poor job. You were a thief and bad at the job. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, all right.

Hey, here's the real shit. I mean, I think you guys know about my doopy trends, my arthritis. Yeah, that's right. It's getting so bad. Really? Really. Wait, what's the word again, though? What's the word? It's doopy trends. Doopy trends. Look at this. See that? Oh, my God. Ders has a, what is it, like a vein in the middle of your hand? Yo, dog, you an alien. No, it's like the tendon starts, like, scrunching up. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. It's like a Scandinavian arthritis. So basically, I guess I'm a Viking. Yeah. Yeah, your hand just slowly closes. My dad had it, but he got it in his, like, 60s. I got it when I was, like, 35. What? Was that, like, an evolutionary trait because they were, like, always just grabbing oars or had an axe in their hand? Rowing long boats. Their hands were never open. That's what I thought, too. What is...

like what's going to happen like through the years. So your palm is all fucked up and now it's going to like, tell me that eventually my hand will like close like this.

And then I have to like, that'd be cool. A surgery or some kind of operation to like open it up. Okay. I don't know. Or are you going to be like, remember Bob Dole? How he had like always had to grab a pen all the time. Right. Did he have dookie trends or did he like, yeah, I might run for president. Ders running for president. I think that was a war thing for Bob Dole. No war thing. Yeah. I think so too. Yeah. Or did he have a stroke? I lost some feeling. I feel like this is another example of us being like, it was a war thing for sure. Uh,

Moving on. It definitely was a war thing. And then every DM being like, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, maybe we'll take it back early. We don't know shit about Bob Dole except for Norm MacDonald on SNL. Bob Dole was a fraud. Who was this girl that sang Best Friends and we all got it wrong and then everyone just came after her? It was like...

Sweetie or something? Yeah, Sweetie. You're my best friend. I led us down the path that it was Megan Thee Stallion, but that was a funny little run or two about Megan Thee Comedian. Good job, guys. I watched The Departed the other day and the accent's insane. The way they say co-ops. Co-ops. He's a co-ops. But it has to roll off the tongue. If they can tell that you're gearing up to say co-ops, they're like...

Fuck this guy. Right. Well, it's just a weird character choice where everything you're saying, you're thinking, you're like co-ops. Yeah. You're just moving your face way too much. Like, all right. It seems like you're really prepared to say this word. Maybe throw it away a little bit. Co-op. Are you saying co-op? Yeah.

Yeah, just kind of throw it away. You're just saying cops. How do they say co-op? You're just saying cops. You're just saying cops. Just throw it away. Sounds like you're saying co-op. We're not at an REI. Co-ops. Your only line, you guys are making drugs out of your house. The cops bust in. Your big line is cops. And you just got to kind of shout it out the door and throw it away. That's hella hard. That's his only line. Okay, Kyle, call action. Okay, ready and action.

Quops! You have to wait for the door to open. This! You have to wait for the door to open, all right? You can't just yell it. You have to wait. Hey, guys. Oh, okay. All right. Okay, hit me, Kyle. Okay, okay. Just remember, he's going to open the door. And so is there a noise when the door opens? Yeah, yeah. We're rehearsing. I'll make the noise. All right, ready, and... Am I the sound guy? Oops.

Oh, yeah, there is. Roll sound. Got it. Rolling. All right, ready, and action. It's co-op! And this was an episode of... We're back! Yay!

See, I think that was almost too good. Yeah, so I was trying to do a bad impression, but I actually nailed it and probably got the golden popcorn from that one. Quops. Yeah. Very good. There's quops in there. Yeah. It's quops!

I added an it's. I took an artistic license and added an it's. That felt natural. I liked it. I think you fucked up. I think the person's like, actually, it's cops. We don't want it. Actually, it's just cops. It's not it's. You're saying co-ops? Yeah. That's not what we mean. Can we just make him American? Is it cool if an American lives in Boston? Is that okay?

An American in Boston. Oh, fucking dumbass. I was going to say, I can't believe we're still on here for this. An American. And Kyle gives us that gift. I'm such a fucking dumbass, dude. Yeah, but I'm glad we did because can an American be in Boston? Bro, six pounds of shit every day. And then after that, you couldn't see what he said. What?

What did I do? You idiots! What happened now? Oh, boy. Bro, I don't think you understand how tired I am. How tired are you? We get it, bro. Oh, we get it. All right. Well, I just want a little empathy from my bros. I'm tired too, man. Hey, man. I don't give a fuck! Oh, there we go. Maybe get rid of one of your thousand dogs. Do you guys still have all the lizards? Yes, but I don't deal with them. The lizards, the snakes. I don't deal with them. Feed the dogs to the snakes. Ah.

I do the dogs. I do the three dogs and the two babies. I ran over a snake with my bicycle yesterday. Yikes. That's the big news over here. Are we talking bikes? Yeah, we're back on some bike talk. Love it.

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Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical. Adam, come on. Your dad is correct. He knows you. He knows you're fucking with me. He knows you're fucking with the world. I'm not fucking with you, dude. I think you're a really talented actor. You really make me laugh. You make me question my own abilities as an actor. And, uh...

And I think you're very talented. I fucking love you, dude. Thanks, man. By the way, Kyle, it's not like, you know, like we all have like our favorite friend that might not necessarily be our best friend. Right. Exactly. Right. So you're his favorite actor. You might not be the best actor. True. There you go. All right. So he just likes my moves. You could even be the worst. Nope. Nope.

I think you're the best, Kyle. I'm doubling, tripling down on it, dude. He's your favorite best actor. I see all your moves, and I wouldn't even know how to approach your acting moves. You'd have to deprogram. Other acting? I look at other actors, I'm like, oh, I can steal that little move. I can add that to my tool chest. Yours, I'm like, I don't even know. That wouldn't fit in my tool chest. My tool chest is...

not equipped to handle those moves. So congratulations to you. Hey man, thank you. I'll take that. I will say Kyle would always be the most prepared. Well, I didn't have to work like every fucking day. Like you guys, I'd just come in and fucking, you know, so I'd have time to like, look at it. You guys were like, how many, how many hundreds of lines do I need to say today? I actually found myself, uh, cause I'm kind of dealing with that now on gemstones that I'm not in it every day. And I find it harder to,

Then when you're there every day and you just find the rhythm and you know the character so well and it's just like putting on like a comfortable jacket or whatever. Like you really and I was able to do on Workaholics just look at the sides, memorize it within a few minutes and then just go and do it. And on this, I'm having a much harder time because I'm not doing it every day and it's not the muscle that I'm working every day.

gotta fire the engine up. Yeah. So I'd like to apologize to, uh, David Gordy Green, Jody Hill, and Dana McBride for casting me in this role. Uh, uh,

Because I'm having a hard time with it. But no, I'm having a blast. It's going to be great. If you ever want to run lines, bro, I'm here. We can get on Zoom. I'll run lines. With the legend himself? Dang, I'd be too embarrassed. If you want to feel super insecure about yourself, yeah, run lines with Kyle. Yeah, with the best actor. You remember back in the day when we used to do that shit? You'd have to go do some auditions and run lines in your room? Hell yeah, dude. I don't care. I love that shit, man. Hell yeah. Right on. I'd be down to clown.

Right on. Great friend. I have a good getting fired story from Lacoste on Rodeo Drive, guys. Ooh, money millionaire. The face of Lacoste? They can't fire you. You got fired? It was a two-parter. You had too many collars. They were like, this is too many. You're buying all... Oh, dude. First of all... Collars.

They were so good to me. They were good people there. That's nice. And the fucking discounts were next level. Two times a year, not that I was there long enough for this, but two times a year you got 10 items for free and then you got 70% off. So that Christmas I was like, whoa, a god. Yeah.

And then everyone got Lacoste polos and they're like, I don't wear. Okay, thank you, Anders. No, no, I varied it up. Mama got a scarf. Eric got a polo because he's popping collars. Oli got a nice sweater, I believe. And what did Phil get? I can't remember. I think Phil might have also gotten a sweater. Popped them collars. Thank you.

But so I showed up about 45 minutes late one morning because my homie John at this time was friends with Tommy Lee from Motley Crue. Yep. Oh my God. He was like, oh my God. Oh my God. Come on out to Tommy Lee's house in Malibu. I'm kicking it with him. He's got his like chef here. He's making dinner. We're going to get wild. I'm like,

For sure. So I drive out in my green minivan that you guys remember. Oh, yeah. Yes, we do. He's got like a gate to the crib. And I'm like, this is next level shit, right? This is like you're going to a star's mansion in Malibu in your minivan. And you work at Lacoste. And I pull in. We kick it. We're drinking all night. We're having fun. We're making like music on his computer and shit. I think I still have this. Popo, stop!

It is a Popo's out situation for sure. Right now we're going to cut to the track that I recorded with him. You have it? We have it? Yeah, yeah. Look at those Wolves.

Bye.

We're back. How about that song? Oh my God. This is huge. But so homies pass out. It's getting late. It's like four in the morning. And he, I think if you, if you saw the Cribs episode, he had a bar with like a Starbucks in his house. Right. And he had this, he had a Jaeger Meister dispenser in his crib and

And he like lined up a bunch of shots and it's four in the morning. I have to be at work in Beverly Hills at 10 a.m. Hey, I'm still going to send it. He was like, let's do this. And I go, oh man, I don't know if I can do that. I got to be at work in like six hours. And he's like pussy. And you're like, no, I'm cool. I wish he said pussy because then I would've been like, all right, fuck it. He just goes, all right, I'm gonna go to bed.

And he about faces, leaves the shots there and passes, goes like to his bedroom, leaving me to like sleep. I don't know where. I think I slept on this like big ass couch, like in a couch room that he had. I wake up super late, grab some Taco Bell, Gorditas on the way in, get there wearing the same shit I wore the day before. They're like, what's going on? I go...

I mean, I was at Tommy Lee's house as if that would be like, oh, cool. And they were like,

So what? Like, fuck off. And? They were like, this can't happen again. And then maybe a month later, I went home for Christmas and they were like, we need you back the day after Christmas. And I was like, all right, no doubt. And then my parents booked my flight back then because I had no money and they didn't book it to get back in time. And I just didn't have the balls to be like, hey, you got to take the charge and flip it so I can get back to work.

And I just called them and was like, I'm stuck in Chicago. I can't come. And then when I got back, they were like, hey, you're done here. You're toast. We don't want you. You lose. That seems about right. Let me call Tommy Lee. Nope, he's not returning calls. Damn. Yeah. So you didn't get Tommy's number. You didn't get called back. What the hell? No. And soon after that, I met you guys. Wow. And we became your Motley crew. Oh.

Yes, points! Give me points. Yes, points! Yes, points! Yes, points. We are your Motley Crue.

I remember coming back from Vegas with Kyle in his Ford Focus. Yeah, baby. Nice. I remember you had one of those little coffees. Remember those little Starbucks coffees that you could buy at the convenience store? Yeah, a little Frappuccino. Until we realized they're like 400 calories a pop, and me and you used to just pound.

Those little glass bottle ones? Yeah, the glass bottles. We used to just pound like three or four of those to get hyped up. And then you start to, you get a little older. You're like, why can't I lose weight? And then you're like, oh, I drink 800 calories in Starbucks Frappuccinos. I'm a man! But Nujachek goes to shake it. And he had already like popped the cap and then goes to shake it. And we both just got hosed. And this is within the first 20 minutes of the drive. We're just hosed with...

This is Starbucks crap. Like, I just had forgot I popped the top and then fucking shook it as hard as I could, getting ready to pop the top. And it fucking painted the whole interior of the car. Oh, like the windshield, the inside of the windshield, the whole dash, both of us, everything. And you're driving too? And we're driving. And it's Sunday at like noon when everyone checks out and drives back to LA. And it was hot as fuck.

fuck. There was no AC in his car. We had to have the windows rolled down. And then, like, two hours in, the milk started to, like, curdle and start to stink. And we... I was like, I might vomit. I might have to pull over and vom because it was like the milk started to, like, curdle in the heat. I'm pissed now! I was probably smoking ciggies at that time, too, and it was just like a... Oh, yeah, you were just smashing cigs? Yeah, bro. Milk was a bad choice. Coffee might have

It's science. I don't know if I want to smell Kyle after a weekend in Vegas. I'll take the spoiled macchiato. I remember overdrafting my account so many times on those trips where it would be like, I'm all

already 80 years overdrafted. And it's like, well, I need more money. I got to go overdraft it before they stop me from overdrafting. That was like one of my favorite things to do would be like try to get us all hyped up to go do something and

It was just Operation when me, you, and Blake lived together. It would be like, I could probably get Blake on board, but then it would take you a little more coaxing in. You would fucking work me and get me, but I would hold out for a day. It would be like a full day of like, woo, Vegas, baby. Oh, my God. How much fun is it? Blake, seriously, bro. How much fun? Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. shut up. Shut up. shut

Let's go.

And then, by the way, and then we would just go and we had no money. So we do the Vegas the cheapest way you possibly can, which would be like we sit there on the nickel slots waiting for the woman to come around to give us free beer. Yes, that was such the move. And then it would just be us finding the cheapest place to drink up and down the strip and then just walking the strip. Now, in hindsight, I'm like, it seems kind of miserable, but we had a great time doing it. We were young. We were dumb. Yeah, you don't know any better. Well, remember our whole like shtick was like,

the party police didn't you guys like go just trying to get people to turn up to party yeah we tried to get out of remember we tried to get you in saying that you were the newest member of SNL the fucker Andy Bovine you haven't we were like you don't watch SNL this is the guy like that was my job and then I'd be like I don't know

I don't want to pull that card. Fake catchphrases. You don't know my character? Is this your sandwich? I'm the is this your sandwich guy? I don't know if you've seen that, but it's pretty popular. That is pretty funny. Go ahead. Did I do that? And then we did the party police where party police was nothing except that we would like walk around in the lobbies and like

Show people our wallets and say, we're the party police. Are you having a good time? Yeah. You're not having enough fun. Party police. What was the whole thing? Why did we do that? What was that? Because we're broke and we're drinking 40s. Because we're having a great time, man. We're broke. It's just fun.

We had nothing else to do. We weren't allowed into the clubs. We weren't dressed nice enough. We probably spilled some coffee all over us. Some milk products. Some milk products on us. Laid out at the Hard Rock. We reeked. We were poor as shit. And we were making our own fun. Yummy. I do love the idea of party police going up to someone who just, like, bet the house. Lost everything. Like, just lost everything. And you're like, hey, man, party police. Turn the frown upside down. He's like...

I'll show you a party. Faces of death. Right, he's gonna go fucking... Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. No, no. I'm gonna do it. I think I landed on where we're gonna do the bachelor party, guys. Oh.

Oh, my God. Bachelor in Paradise. Your backyard. On TV. Space Station. Zoom. Space Station? Space Station. No, we're going to go to the Lake of the Ozarks. Ooh. And, yeah, get to see where the family lives. I rented us a dope house. I'll give you the dates and intel.

you know, off the pod, but it's, it's going to be awesome. And then that way, big D can kick it, kick it with us. Yeah. And it's, it's a wild place. So we'll have fun and we'll have access to boats and jet skis and all that stuff. So it'll get, it'll get wet and wild. I'm,

Yeah, man. That's going to be rad. Yeah. I don't know. I kind of wanted just like a true bro down. That's my boy. And I think this will be a good place to do it. That's my boy right there. Friendship. Yeah, man. Good for you. Yeah, keep it. Keep it true. Keep it true. I'm going to keep it true. Keep it true. Lots of farting and beer. True to form. You know what we should do is bring podcasting women, do a live from the bachelor party. Yeah.

Just sloppy as hell. I love that. Kyle's the only one that can keep a sentence together. The rest of us are like, I'll tell you what, man. All right. I would like that. That would be very fun. I don't know how this would work, but if we could have like the guys who are there, not us, but like whoever it is to kind of come on and tell a story or like,

say something about you that they appreciate there we go uh for the podcast that'd be a fun yeah that'd be a fun bachelor party let's do the roast of adam divine on pod on the lake of the ozarks that sounds fun it's the bro roast the bros the bros the bros of adam divine that's good lake bros arc yeah

Lake Brozark. Oh, God. I'm making t-shirts. Lake Brozark? Yes, please. This is a money idea. For sure, we all have to wear sashes, and I have to wear a dumb crown. Sash. It's science. You know how bachelorette parties, they'll always wear bachelorette party sashes? Right, right.

We're doing that, but we're not women. Rock a tiara. I think on my bachelor party, we ran into a bachelorette party and Blake ended up wearing a veil with a bunch of dicks on it. That seems right. That sounds about right. I think so. I think I brought it in. I think I have that picture. We're cutting to it now. I remember...

At your bachelor party where we – there was that machine in the bar that you blew into and it told you how – it was a breathalyzer at the bar. There we go. And we – it was just Operation Who Was the Drunkest. And we were like, no, I swear. You are way drunker than me. This does not make sense. This does not make sense. I shouldn't be blowing harder than you. You've fucking fallen down. You saw how I fell down earlier. Yeah.

Yeah. That was the best. That was straight buffoonery. I just remember standing outside of our hojo, eating some cookies at like three in the morning and one at a time, stragglers would just come back. Like my brother just showed up out of the mist. Yeah.

And like, I don't even think he said anything to us. He just like walks past into the hotel. We're like, all right, get some sleep, man. And then my homie Adrian just showed up. It was like, hey, I was looking for food. And we're like, everything's been closed for hours. And I think Toof got like beat up one night. Oh, shit. Toof got me back. I remember I could not find my way back. And Toof was like not making... He was on one. He cut the nipples off of his shirt.

Yes. I'm still going to send it. When I saw him, he wasn't speaking. He was speaking in like... He was going like... Right, right, right. That's his thing. And I was like, what the fuck? Do you know how to get back to the hotel? And he did. But he couldn't speak. And your one friend was arrested. Oh, yeah. I'm still going to send it. Bernie Lomax, we'll keep his name and code, got arrested for like pissing on the back of a bar or something like that. Oh, fuck. Yeah. And he got taken to the drunk tank. And I think...

Somehow he was tweeting, saying, like, free Bernie. And then we all got in the Hojo Airport van. Yeah, shuttle. And went to go pick him up with all those kids. Wait, was it a Hojo or a Troubletree? It was a Troubletree. At like 6 a.m., somehow we all stayed up or something. Somehow. And were able to pick him up somehow. Yeah, I don't know how. We all picked him up at like...

as soon as he was released from jail and we're all chanting, I'm like, that's a good bachelor party. That's what I'm trying to do. If, uh, if anyone wants to volunteer to be the one to get arrested, someone, you know, I would love to see it. Okay. Noted. Yeah. We'll see how it plays out. Yeah. We'll see how it plays out. But it was like with 20 dudes, odds are high. They're good. Yeah. I feel with the dude crew that we're rolling with as somebody who's going to do something dumb and get arrested. So pretty excited about it. I'm down. I'm down.

And I would just like to thank you guys for, you know, just doing this podcast with us every week. And I feel like this is a great bonding moment for the four of us. Friendship. It is. Every week. It's like a bachelor party every week. This is like a bachelor. Because, you know, a lot of times we talk.

But it's work stuff, you know? And we're just doing work stuff. And this is a fun way to also... Technically, this is work stuff, but it's also fun stuff, you know? And we're just bullshitting. I actually consider it workaholics, but I don't know. Well, don't. See, that's where you can't. Again, don't say that. That's a good take back. Workaholics with a huge ensemble cast. I would like to take a moment of appreciation for

just the four of us and our friendship and power and perseverance. This take two? This is great. I like that. I would also like to take a moment for our friendship and our power and our perseverance and just respectfully appreciate us. This is important. I just did that though. Right. I just did take three.

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