241: What if you were the other woman?
50:37 Share

This Is Actually Happening features real experiences that often include traumatic events. Please consult the show notes for specific content warnings on each episode and for more information about support services.

Hello listeners. After a six-week summer break, we return today with a fresh new episode to begin Season 12. Over the break, we did a lot of needed housekeeping and preparation to launch a number of new elements for the show, some starting today and others rolling out over the coming year. The first announcement we have today is that we're near completion on a long-standing project of making written transcripts available. Now, on the show's website, thisisactuallyhappening.com,

you'll see a new tab where you can access and download full episode transcripts for free. This was all made possible by transcriptionist Diana Corrado. Diana deserves a very special thanks for her incredible dedication to transcribing and proofing every episode, and for her long-time support and help with the show. I want to thank Jamie Luxon as well for her transcript design.

On the website, we've also added another page called Themed Collections that groups select episodes by a particular theme. This allows new and seasoned listeners to dive into a specific set of episodes grouped around a particular theme organized into Spotify playlists. These will be expanded as the show evolves.

The other thing we've done for this season is opening more opportunities for engagement on social media. On our Instagram page, at ActuallyHappening, you'll see new, varied, and more frequent content over the coming season. We've also expanded the team on the Facebook group. And after a few years hiatus, we'll be posting on Twitter again, under the new Twitter handle, at TIAHpodcast.

As always, you can check out the store on the website thisisactuallyhappening.com, where you'll find show-related products. And if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of the show, you can donate on Patreon at patreon.com slash happening. Thank you all for tuning in for another season. I'm so excited to be back and to share another year of stories with all of you. And now we begin Season 12 with today's episode, What If You Were the Other Woman?

I thought like of all the cruel things for the universe to do, why? Like why on earth would the universe do this? And what is this supposed to teach me? Like, what does it mean? I don't, I don't know what it means. From Wondery, I'm Witt Misseldein. You are listening to This Is Actually Happening. Episode 241. What if you were the other woman?

Today's episode is brought to you by Audible. Listening on Audible helps your imagination soar. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, or expert advice, you can be inspired to new ways of thinking. And there's more to imagine when you listen. As an Audible member, you can choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. Currently, I'm listening to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, a wonderful audio title that challenges us to imagine a new way to lead a

love, work, parent, and educate through the power of vulnerability. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500.

That's audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500. This Is Actually Happening is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. What if comparing car insurance rates was as easy as putting on your favorite podcast? With Progressive, it is.

Just visit the Progressive website to quote with all the coverages you want. You'll see Progressive's direct rate. Then their tool will provide options from other companies so you can compare. All you need to do is choose the rate and coverage you like. Quote today at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy. Hello Prime members. Have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts like this is actually happening ad-free? It's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad-free top podcasts included with your Prime membership.

To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts. That's amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads. Check out our recently completed six-part series, The 82% Modern Stories of Love and Family, ad-free with your Prime membership.

My mom had me when she was 20 years old. She was not married. At the time, she was still living with her parents, my grandparents. I never met my father. My mother said that he had a bad temper. She did not let him see me or his family see me. My grandfather definitely took the place of my father. I saw him as my father because he was as engaged as any father would be.

My mother, because she was young when she had me, we stayed with my grandfather and my grandmother until I was about five years old. And then we moved out of their house and into a smaller house with a bunch of 25-year-old 70s, 80s drinkers and pot smokers loose and on my own in this chaotic house.

On the weekends, I would still go back to my grandparents' house. I would describe them as kind, loving people who really seemed to adore me, which was a bit of a contrast from my upbringing in the house with my mom.

The house was quite dilapidated because she wasn't making a lot of money. We didn't have a working stove. The shower tiles were all broken down. When it rained, it rained in my room because the roof was leaking.

And then my grandmother was diagnosed with a disease that was basically a spinal degeneration. So over time, she lost use really of her entire body until she unfortunately became, for lack of a better term, a vegetable for about 20 years until she passed away. It was sad to watch somebody that I loved and counted on so much die in that way.

because it was a very progressive, long, slow, slow death. I was what you would call a latchkey kid for the most part. My mom wasn't there when I got home from school. It was my normal. I didn't know better and I didn't know how much it was impacting me back then because it was my normal.

I started going into New York City when I was young. There was a club scene going on out there, the limelight, and there was underground raves that were occurring. I had this life where I was like a partier and would go out and have fun and dance and dress up and explore mind-bending substances and what does the world mean, but actually still living a path of getting good grades in school, working, being responsible.

But I can remember just always looking for stability or people to like me or a group to belong to because I wanted a connection so bad with other people that I was always looking for somebody just to rely on.

I'm not attracted to many people, but when I am attracted to somebody or I do like somebody, I am really all in. It is like a bonding chemical lust hormonal process that takes over my mind and body. And ever since I can remember, if I meet somebody that I do fall in love with, it is quite a bonding process.

By the time I got to college, I met this guy and boy, did I love him. He was stable. He never touched drugs. He was just like such a good person.

I felt this shame of having this alternative lifestyle that involved doing drugs and dancing and partying. So when I met this guy who was like clean cut, I'm not sure I ever felt good enough for him. And unfortunately, I'd say that's why that relationship ended. It had nothing to do with him. I just felt like he was better than me. And after him, I started dating a guy who was frankly kind of abusive.

After that relationship, I took a step back. I was focusing on my career. I got a job in New York City, had a major corporation. I was lucky and I was excited that I was traveling into New York City. And like, I really made it in life. About the time I was 24, I met who had become my ex-husband. That also turned out to be a volatile relationship. There was a lot of fighting. The reason we even got married is because after I knew him for six months, I got pregnant.

He was not somebody I wanted to marry. He was not one of these people that I was all into. I knew inside that I should not be marrying him, but there was the other part of me that was still looking for stability and this, what I was considering a normal lifestyle. I got pregnant, we got married, and pretty soon after it was clear that we were not a match, but I stuck it out. I stuck it out. He stuck it out for 14 years.

So I got divorced when I was 39. I knew relationships could be healthy. Like I know there is a relationship out there. And that's my belief is that they should bring peace and comfort and reliability and respect and fun. But after him, I was alone for five years, raising my two kids.

You know, I work full time. I'm a single mom. I'm trying to keep them healthy. And they feel like they were cared for. They feel like they can rely on me. And that's where my focus went. I had moved into a town, which I would describe as a very homeogenous, very married couple with children town. It's upper middle class. The houses are big. It's almost a little bubble bath.

It's a very small town. People know each other. And because a lot of the parents are successful and they might be doctors or lawyers or business people, there's actually a lot of social activities that occur. It's almost like being in high school again, but with money this time. I had so many friends. I immersed myself in a group of, I would say it was about 10 or 15 couples.

I was single, but they embraced me into that group. I mean, we were all friends. We would go out. We've been on vacations together, celebrating birthdays and anniversaries. I would say in a lot of ways that kept me very distracted from the level of intimacy that I was missing in those five years because between my work, my children, and my social life, I barely noticed I didn't have a partner until I would say when I was 44 or so,

I would start to leave these parties and I'd feel sad. I was coming home alone. I wanted somebody to experience this fun life with me and somebody that I could come home, cuddle with and talk to and count on. Maybe I am lonely and a lot of what's going on right now is a distraction and it's not necessarily fulfilling me.

These couples, I would say, you can tell when people are more or less connected with one another and everybody generally looked happy together, except for this guy and his wife. They would show up at parties separate. They would leave alone. They didn't sit next to each other at dinners. It didn't seem like there was a real reciprocal bond between either of them.

He was a flirty, fun guy. He was always the life of the party. He always had a drink in his hand. But I also thought he was a bit of a creep because he was definitely hitting on me. He's telling me how much he loves the way I dance and how beautiful I am. And in the elevator on the way up, he said he wanted to kiss me. And I just laughed at him. And I walked and I left. And I thought, this guy is such a creep.

That's about all I thought of him. I thought he was kind of boisterous, over the top, maybe looking for attention. And then he continued here and there. It was like a two-year pursuit. He got my number and he would send me texts periodically after he saw me at parties. And he'd say, it was so nice seeing you tonight. And I would ignore the text.

And there were times towards the end of that year, because they did not sit next to each other, he slipped his hand under my leg and started rubbing. And I look over at her and she doesn't make a move. And I look back at him and I actually thought I was being groomed for a threesome.

He came over to my house and I asked him, I said, I just have to ask you a question. Do you guys have an open relationship? And are you trying to get me in for a threesome? And he started laughing. He said, no, we do not have an open relationship. And I'm not trying to get you in for a threesome. And I said, but clearly you like me because you've been hitting on me for two years. He goes, I've liked you since the moment I saw you.

And then we had a real honest conversation about his marriage. I said, you know, I'm not going to do anything with you. And I think you should look really hard at your lifestyle before you decide that you want to leave a marriage. You've been together for, I think it was about 23 years at that point. You have two kids. You have this rich social life. Your wife's family has money. You don't have to work.

He goes, I do have that whole lifestyle, but we're not connected. And I would like happiness and love. He told me that they would get into fights all the time. They would end with threats of divorce. He showed me a picture where she had scratched, clawed both sides of his cheeks just a few months ago from one of their fights. And it was such a, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

He wrote to me on Valentine's Day and he was at his vacation house with his wife and another couple. And he sent me a text just to tell me that he was thinking about me on Valentine's Day. For me, I guess there could have been a million red flags, but I found it really caring. And I hadn't had anybody really care about me like that in a long time. My ex-husband never cared about me like that.

And then the next time I saw him, I looked at him. And this is the weirdest thing that can happen. A person goes from being a person. You see them. They're just an everyday person. You know them. And then all of a sudden, he was the best looking person I'd ever seen on the planet. He was just like a ball of light.

The change from him being one of the 7.5 billion people on the planet to being like the person on the planet. And how did I, how did I miss this?

The more that I got to know him, I got to know this guy who was extremely athletic. He loved to ride his bike. He was wonderfully energetic and curious and outdoorsy. And I love hiking and he loved hiking. And he was actually really just empathetic. He knew what I was thinking. He was in tune with emotions.

So I have this wave of feeling now. I start to rationalize with myself that like this could work. We were at a party one night. He was sitting next to me as he always did. And underneath the table, he wrapped his leg around mine and I put my arm on the back of his chair.

His wife left the party early and I said, do you want to walk me home? And he said, I do. And that started our romantic relationship. It was amazing. Our clothes came off instantly. We spent three hours in bed together and I dropped him off at home. And I remember wondering, like, is that it? Is that all he wanted?

And a couple hours later, he sent me a text and it was a snapshot of his heart rate. And he loved data. And I said, what is this? And he said, it's my heart rate. Check out my heart rate between 1 and 5 a.m. He's like, I was so excited that I was finally with you. And then he came back over that day. He said, we want to go for a walk. And he came to my house and we walked around my neighborhood and he held my hand.

And then that's how we met so many times after. He'd stop by my house. We would go to bed together and then we'd go for a walk together and we'd talk. We went down to an aquarium. We got couples massages. Mostly we hiked in the woods behind my house. I mean, we spent so much time together. And if we weren't together, we were on the phone together. And if we weren't on the phone together, we were texting each other.

The only thing that he could not do was sleep the whole night. He would always say, I can't wait for the day where I could wake up with you. There was a lot of planning for the future and what it would look like. After about a month, he told me he loved me and he told me first. It took me a little longer to say it, but when I said it to him, I meant it.

And he told me I was his soulmate and his person and his best friend. And then after about two and a half months, I just did not want to do it while he was still in that house. I said, I cannot do this. Like it hurts. I want to be with you and you leave me. And when you leave me, my anxiety is through the roof. So two and a half months after we're together, I said, I'm absolutely done. I've had enough of this. And I blocked him from my phone.

And he showed up at my house, let himself in because he had my garage code. And he came up to my bedroom. He was totally distraught. I think that started my clear lack of boundaries and his inability to leave. I would get myself worked up into such a state before I had to go anywhere into the social group if he was going to be there with his wife.

By the time we were together for four months, I really wasn't going anywhere anymore. I feel guilt being around her. I feel shame. But somehow, I think what him and I did is we created our own shameful bubble. And it's a painful, painful place to live in.

I hated being hidden and I hated being told that I was gorgeous and a soulmate and everything that somebody ever wanted and how much they want to take care of me and then being hidden.

But then I also felt this odd sense of compassion for him because I knew how long it took me to get out of my own bad marriage. And he had a big identity wrapped up. He was totally entrenched in her family and she had a very large family and they had two kids.

He felt terrible about it. Both of us were losing weight from the stress. I was starting to get a little worried about where he was going with his psyche, how he failed in his marriage, how he was scared, how he was losing his identity. And he did try several times to leave.

Today's episode is brought to you by Quince. It's been a busy season of events and travel, and my wardrobe has taken a beating. A total overhaul isn't in my budget, but I'm replacing some of those worn-out pieces with affordable, high-quality essentials from Quince. By partnering with Top Factories, Quince cuts out the cost to the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

I love the Italian board shorts. They're made from quick-drying material and offer UPF 50 protection for all-day wear, so I can go from hiking to lounging on the beach without a wardrobe change. And compared to other luxury brands, the prices are well within my reach. Upgrade your wardrobe with pieces made to last with Quince.

Go to quince.com slash happening for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash happening to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash happening

This Is Actually Happening is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe,

And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24/7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. So his wife caught us really twice. The first time was in May. We were actually at his house.

And she said she had to use the bathroom, but she did not use the bathroom. She actually just wanted to spy on us to see what happened if she left the room. And when she left the room, he grabbed my hand. I called her the next day. I said it was inappropriate for me to invite him inside. And I'm sorry. She said the seven year itch is a real thing. And that was her comment.

which made me feel very insignificant. And I wondered what that meant. Like I'm one of many. He did tell me about two other affairs that he had had. Is this who he is? That thought sits in the back of my head all the time as well. I said to him, look, I don't want to do this anymore. It's been five months. Either you move out or we are done. I cannot continue with this. And he said, fine, I'm telling her and I'm moving out.

He's giving up so much known for so much unknown. And it's such a risk. It does feel huge to have somebody do that for you. But it's also not a right feeling. It's not a great feeling because you also don't want to have somebody give up so much of themselves for you. And I don't want him resenting me because we are going to lose a group of friends.

He told her and he came over to my house and she called me and asked me to go over and talk to her. She said, I have no one else I could talk to about this. Will you please talk to me about it? I said, I will.

And I apologized. And I always apologized. I said, I'm really sorry. I'm in love with him. And she said, you will never be happy together. He's an entitled narcissist with borderline personality disorder. You have no idea how to handle him. He's prone to major depression. I know you. I know him. And trust me when I tell you, you guys will never work out.

He had been in therapy for many years to get over that temper. I had never experienced it with me. That's just not what I had with him. But I didn't know because we weren't together. She said, well, you can have him. And then changed her mind very shortly thereafter and told him that they were going to lose a ton of money. And he just went along. And I was crushed. It started the pattern that occurred for the next three months.

Him coming to me, being with me, and then the next day saying, I think I need to work this out with my wife before I can fully leave. During this time, because his wife had found out, she said she wanted access to his phone. She was tracking him. She had all his passwords to every account.

There were several times where he was caught and she threw a remote at his head, but you would not know it because the next day on Facebook, there's a family picture of all of them together. And it went on like that. I have so much compassion and empathy for her. On the flip side of it, I think for me, you can't help who you love.

When I was with him, it felt like being present. And that's the one thing that I think in life you look for. With him, it was like being fully present. And like I experienced every sense.

And I have to say, he was definitely the best sex that I've ever had. He made me feel extremely comfortable in my body. It's something that I hadn't felt before. I really felt like he just adored every single part of me. And I knew in the moments when we were together that I hadn't experienced that feeling with another person. It felt like we were it together.

For my birth type, he surprised me. He got down on one knee and he took out beaded bracelets and he put the bracelet on my wrist and he put the bracelet on his wrist and he said, you know, this is so we can always think of each other. It just felt good. But there's an entire other side of this relationship that is utter pain.

I lived in a constant state of anxiety. I would say my entire body kind of felt like it was on fire and my mind was always racing. And I was always wondering, is this love? Is it not love? Is this worth everything I'm about to give up? I would walk in my woods and try anything to get my mind off him.

I wasn't able to draw a clear boundary and not understand why I can't draw a boundary and stop talking to him. And I do wonder if my childhood had something to do with that. If people grow up in healthier relationships with healthier dynamics, they would have blocked him. They would have said, great, you can love me from a distance. And there were times I had written myself notes and I said, let the silence be deafening. And I posted those notes all over. And I said, do not talk to him.

But I didn't do any of that. And inevitably, I would. So his wife asked me not to tell anybody. And I said, I won't. I was very willing to do what she asked of me. But it felt terrible. And before she asked that of me, I did tell one friend who was my closest friend. And she says to me, all these women trusted you around their husbands.

And then she never talked to me again. And she doubled down on her relationship with his wife and him. That made me feel horrible. And I felt like that really was a foreshadowing of how my life was going to be once people found out about the affair, that everyone was just going to drop off and leave me.

At one party, he was leaving. He came over to me. His wife was literally five feet away from me talking to somebody. He came over to me, kissed me goodbye, like a tongue kiss goodbye. Another guy was standing right there, looked at both of us and said, oh my God, he's going to get himself in a lot of trouble and laughed and walked away. And I looked at him. I was like, what are you doing? He's like, yeah, I don't care.

But from that moment on, men knew because the guy told other guys and they didn't blatant eye me as the shameful mistress. The other woman immediately was kicked out of the group and friends were nowhere to be found. He's really getting himself to the point where he's going to make a decision and he could see a future with me.

And he sent me a beautiful picture. And it was sunrise over his favorite mountain. And the sun's rising on it. And underneath it says, I'm grateful for you. I'm in love with you. And I believe in us. And how he knew what love was because of me. That Monday comes and we talked on and off all day. Then Tuesday came. And he always said, Tuesday is our day.

I said, it's going to be a beautiful day. He said, it is going to be a beautiful day for a bike ride. And I said, do you want to see me on your bike ride? He said, I do. And I had picked the place. I said, today, why don't we go to this different place we hadn't been at for so long? And he said, so I'll be there about 1.15. And I said, okay. I said, I love you. And then he told me he loved me enormously. And I get into my car and I'm driving down my road and

I'm about a mile down my road and I see all this police tape on the side of a road and I see cop cars and I see one of the neighbors, one of a friend's neighbors leaning against a car. And then I look over and I see his bike on the ground and I pulled my car over and I ran over to the cops and I said, is he alive?

And they said, we're trying to figure out who this is. And we don't know if he's alive. They said, well, do you have a picture? And I said, yes, I have a picture of him. And I take out my phone and I show them the picture. And they say, that is him. And I fall to the ground and I'm hugging my knees because this pain is just so unbearable.

And I said to them, oh my God, he had a premonition about this because he did. He told me many times on many walks, he felt like he was going to get hit by a car on his bike. And I would always say, stop talking about that morbid nonsense. You are fine. And then the cop said, well, was he suicidal? I said, no, it was a premonition. And then they said, are you his wife? And I was like, no, I'm his girlfriend. They're like, what do you mean girlfriend?

I'm like, okay, mistress, because I don't know what to call myself. And then they all scatter away from me. And I was just left there alone. And then I just fell to my knees on the ground. Like everyone just walked away from me when I said that. One comes back and they say, why are you here? And I said, we were on our way to meet each other.

And they said, well, where were you going to meet? And I was like, why does it matter? Is he alive? Will somebody just tell me if he's alive? And then they all again walk away because I am so upset and in such shock. And then the back door of the ambulance opens up and I see his calves, his socks and his biking shoes. And they are still they are completely still.

I'm worried and sad and numb and helpless. And then finally, this very young cop comes over from nowhere and he said, are you okay? I said, I am seriously not okay. I'm really, really, really not okay. Can I please talk to him? Is he okay? And they said, he started breathing on his own, but he could use your prayers. You don't want to see him right now.

I know I can't get into the ambulance. They won't let me into the ambulance. I don't know what my role is. I don't know if I can go to the hospital. And I'm so compliant and complacent with being hidden that I don't want his family to know that he was on his way to meet me.

And now I'm sitting here flooded with grief and shock and pain and disbelief. And I wasn't sure what my place was. And I wasn't sure if I should stay or if I should go. And eventually I realized there's nothing, I can't do anything here. And I said, just please tell him I love him.

I just go home. There's so much shock and disbelief and despair and confusion. And I call my mother and my mother said, well, maybe he'll finally leave you alone now. And I start yelling at her, please don't say that. I don't think you understand how serious this is. And then out of nowhere, a mutual friend sends a text and I use that text as an opportunity to text his wife.

She texted me back. She said, it's really bad. I need complete space from you right now. But she added me on to her text string updates, which was extremely nice of her. I later asked her why she did that. And it was basically, she said she didn't want drama of people wondering why I wasn't on the text strings because she was also trying to hide me as much as I was trying to hide myself. But I was unbelievably grateful for

He did not recover. He had a severe brain injury. He never regained consciousness and was in the ICU for 18 days before they turned off his feeding tube.

During that time when he's in the ICU and I'm in this mid point of like, I can't do anything. I can't see him and he's there, but is he not there? And what does it mean to be alive? What does it mean to have consciousness? Where do we go when we're in a coma? When they turn off the support, he winds up taking his last breaths. It was hard knowing he was there and I couldn't see him. And it was hard knowing that I had no rights to see him.

I am in a pain that I've never felt before. It is a pain that feels like I want to die. I definitely, definitely wanted to be the one that died. It hurt everywhere. I would wake up crying. I would go to bed crying. I had nightmares. The nightmares just wouldn't stop.

And I'm trying to process and un-peace this, did he really love me? Was this true love? And now it's quiet. Nobody's calling me and nobody's asking me how I am. And all I want to do is talk to him because he's the only one who could comfort me right now. And he's not here. And then I couldn't take part in the grief process at all in any way. I couldn't go to the ICU to see him in a coma.

I couldn't go to the wake, I couldn't go to the service, I could do nothing. And not only could I not take part in the grieving process, I had people that intensely disliked me because I was grieving. I texted his wife.

And I said, I'm not going to go to the service. And I asked how she was feeling. She said it's actually, it's a lot easier than she thought it was going to be. She finally feels free. It's better than she's been in a long time. And she told me that his death saved her what was probably going to be a costly divorce.

And she's like, I'm angry at you. I'm angry at him. I'm angry that these are the forefront memories of my mind. And now this is what I have to deal with. People were saying how graceful his wife was for forgiving the driver. And my friend said, I'm sorry. I know I heard maybe the driver had gotten another ticket or something. He was arrested, but no real major charges were given to him.

I'm looking at the police report and the police report says he was not given a drug or alcohol test. He wasn't given careless driving. He wasn't given reckless driving. I called the prosecutor's office and talked to the prosecutor and they said the case is closed. It was just an accident. I just don't understand it. It just feels like I'm watching people move on while I'm just stuck.

This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply.

The grief process, then having to grieve so alone after that was hard. And having to unpack if I even had a relationship, like what kind of relationship was that if I'm hidden? Immediately when I came home after he was hit, I wonder if this is karma or

I have been sitting in such guilt and shame for so long. He had been sitting in such guilt and shame for so long in just the lying that I thought this was definitely me. And I called people and that was the first thing I asked them. I said, I picked the place and the time and I picked a different place and I picked a different time.

He wanted one. I said 115. We normally go to this one park. I picked a different park because we hadn't been there in a long time. My secrets did this. Like this is karma. This is like he had a premonition of dying on a bike. Like it came true. Is this fate? I caused this and I'm not entirely sure. I couldn't have changed that outcome. And it was on the way to see me.

I thought like of all the cruel things for the universe to do, why? Like why on earth would the universe do this? And what is this supposed to teach me? Like, what does it mean? I don't, I don't know what it means.

Who are we? And is the universe random chaos? Or do we have set points that we are supposed to leave? Like, what did my boyfriend, who I had such hopes of having a future with, what did him getting killed on the way to see me, like, what does it mean? For me, being hidden and having to accept that as the choice that I made for myself,

I agreed to being in a relationship where somebody was going to hide me. I felt like I did this to myself, but I also felt like I'm a human being and all these friends that I hung out with for six years to not see that and to not even just say, I don't agree with what you did, but what you're going through must really be hard to understand.

And it was so isolating and lonely. And I just wanted to talk to people who knew him. And I wanted to tell people my story. I mean, my throat was actually tight all the time. I started taking voice lessons just to try and get my voice back. It felt like I wasn't even allowed to talk.

Two friends did actually ask me. One friend reached out to me and asked how I was doing. And I said, "Why are you asking me that?" And she said, "Anybody who knew you knew you guys had something very special." I wound up telling her everything. I think it was shocking for her to hear and she invited me over for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

She thought that he did really love me, but she also didn't invite me to her 50th birthday because other people were going to be there and I am the outcast now. And then there was another friend. She reached out to me. She said, you don't have to answer this if you don't want to. But I heard that you were having an affair and I started crying. And when I was done telling her my story, she said to me, I just feel bad. You're not going to be invited to the big parties anymore.

And I thought, oh my God, like this is what people think of my relationship with him. Like you feel bad that I can't go to a party. My boyfriend just died. He was killed on the way to see me. I just sat in sadness. I sat in this overwhelming sadness for like just wanting somebody to treat me kindly or see that I was a human. I wanted to say like, I exist.

Like we were here, like we had this great, beautiful relationship. This grief, I suppose, though, at the end of the day, it really is just a very lonely process that you have to go through all by yourself. I spent many times just in the woods meditating.

The question is, if a tree falls in the woods, if no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound? And actually, the answer to the question is, it does not make a sound because you need hearing in order to actually allow it to make the sound. And I just felt like that was our relationship. It made no sound because nobody would acknowledge it. This thing that we had that really was beautiful, it's just gone now.

The nightmares that are coming in, there are nightmares that come in about the accident. The PTSD comes in and it comes in strong where there's just flashes of his bike on the ground and his calves not moving and me on the ground hugging myself. And I have actual nightmares of him getting hit by the car. But more often than not, and the nightmares happened every single night for three months. More often than not, those nightmares were not about him getting killed. They were about

Him being with his wife and then leaving her and coming to me. I mean, the nightmares were still around untangling what my relationship meant. I was still struggling so much on this cliffhanger of does he leave? Does he stay? And then one day after a nightmare at the end of February, I woke up and my brain said, there is no cliffhanger. He died. Your relationship ended because he died.

That is the end of it.

Many, many times I was balled up on a floor because the pain, it's actually a physical pain that hits your body, even with all the emotional pain. And it makes you feel like you're made of rocks and it takes you down. Like it just, the pain comes on and it takes you down. And there were times where I was just repeating sentences about, I want to die or I miss you or I love you or why did this happen?

I started doing something called EMDR, eye movement desensitization. It was with a therapist. I was going to grief counselors. I was talking to friends. I was doing anything and everything to get me out of this state

I got in touch finally with his one friend that was only his friend. I found her, talked to her one day for 45 minutes and we cried together. And she said, I was telling him to pack his bags and leave. Don't let anyone shame you into thinking that they had a good marriage. That marriage was over since 2006. He loved you. He felt unconditional love. He just needed a little bit of time. I wound up getting some healing there.

Now I jog every day, keeps me physically healthy now and mentally healthy. And he gave me that. He was really, he was just encouraging. He was also like really big into cooking, like cooking was such a thing for him. So he got me into cooking.

Besides just jogging and cooking, he did open me up emotionally, compassionately and empathetically. And I think I was really closed down during my marriage because my marriage was not very good. And I think I was closed down for the five years after my marriage. And he did open up my heart.

I started talking to people about trauma. That was one of the things that, you know, just sometimes random strangers, like while I'm getting my hair done or a coworker. And I find that all these people walk around with trauma. Like they let me know, like you're changed. It changes you forever. You don't forget it, but you do actually learn to live with it and you do go on.

While I accept that he is physically gone, I think he's actually still energetically here. And sometimes he pops into my mind so clearly that it seems like it is more than a memory. So I have never been to a medium before. And I was talking to one of my friends whose son had died and been hit by a train. And she recommended a few mediums.

So I called up and I made an appointment. The first medium I went to was just a couple weeks after he died and he didn't come through. Is he mad at me? Does he think that I killed him? Is he mad that he was going to meet me on the bike and he died? Maybe that's his way of choosing his wife and not me. And maybe he's super mad that he was killed on the way to meet me. But then I went to another one about a month later.

By that time, he had been gone for about two and a half, three months. She brought him up right away. She got very specific information. I was just in tears for an hour listening to somebody tell me these words that he would say to me and talk and give me exact proof of how long we were together and when it happened. Then I was like obsessed. I was like, can I talk to him through mediums?

I can. It turns out I can. I've been to 30 mediums. Some have been unbelievable. They really nailed some stuff that I can't believe that, you know, somebody would know. I mean, it really made me believe that energy does go on, that souls do go on, that consciousness does exist. And that's why I think the last time it came through, it was kind of like, you can talk to me. I'm here. And you don't necessarily need these mediums.

He said, either you believe I'm with you or you don't. The old crowd that I was hanging out with in my town, the one that stopped talking to me, a lot of those people, I think in hindsight, they were very surface level relationships. The people that I hang out with now and the people that have stayed and that I've kept as a friend, these are very deep relationships that have sat with me through everything.

That I've sat with me in a car while I cried driving past a bike. I understand for me personally what it means to be a better friend and a deep friend. So much can change in a second. I really did not think I was going to get through that. And again, I'm not through it yet, but I am in less pain now.

For me, one of the hardest parts that I was going through was, did he really love me? Did he truly love me? Was he capable of loving me? Were we capable of being in a healthy relationship? Were we soulmates? I mean, that was the most challenging part. What does it mean to have somebody love you and how challenging it is to dissect that

Does it matter if he was going to leave or not leave? Does it matter if he really loved me? The more important part was that I loved him. And I'm happy that we spoke on the phone. And the last words he heard from me that day were, I love you. And I wanted him to be happy forever.

And I told him that and I meant that, that if him being happy meant he wasn't with me, I was okay with that because how do you really love somebody and not want them to be happy? Otherwise, I think it's just control. It let go that back and forth discussion in my own head of, am I lovable? Am I a lovable human being? Am I worthy? Am I good enough?

I think at the end it was just like, I am capable of deep love. I am lovable and I feel good about that. Today's guest requested to remain anonymous, but if you'd like to reach out to her, you can email at [email protected]. From Wondery, you're listening to This Is Actually Happening.

If you love what we do, please rate and review the show. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, or on the Wondery app to listen ad-free and get access to the entire back catalog. In the episode notes, you'll find some links and offers from our sponsors. By supporting them, you help us bring you our show for free. I'm your host, Witt Misseldein. Today's episode was co-produced by me, with special thanks to the This Is Actually Happening team, including Ellen Westberg. The intro music features the song Illabi by Tipper.

You can join the community on the This Is Actually Happening discussion group on Facebook or follow us on Instagram at ActuallyHappening. On the show's website, thisisactuallyhappening.com, you can find out more about the podcast, contact us with any questions, submit your own story, or visit the store, where you can find This Is Actually Happening designs on stickers, t-shirts, wall art, hoodies, and more.

That's thisisactuallyhappening.com. And finally, if you'd like to become an ongoing supporter of what we do, go to patreon.com slash happening. Even $2 to $5 a month goes a long way to support our vision. Thank you for listening. Wondering.

If you like This Is Actually Happening, you can listen to every episode ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

I'm Dan Taberski. In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York. I was like at my locker and she came up to me and she was like stuttering super bad. I'm like, stop f***ing around. She's like, I can't. A mystery illness, bizarre symptoms, and spreading fast. It's like doubling and tripling and it's all these girls. With a diagnosis, the state tried to keep on the down low. Everybody thought I was holding something back. Well, you were holding something back intentionally. Yeah, yeah, well, yeah.

You know, it's hysteria. It's all in your head. It's not physical. Oh my gosh, you're exaggerating. Is this the largest mass hysteria since The Witches of Salem? Or is it something else entirely? Something's wrong here. Something's not right. Leroy was the new dateline and everyone was trying to solve the murder. A new limited series from Wondery and Pineapple Street Studios. Hysterical.

Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Hysterical early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery+.