160: What if you were assaulted by a stranger in the dark?
43:50 Share

Today's episode is brought to you by Audible. Listening on Audible helps your imagination soar. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, or expert advice, you can be inspired to new ways of thinking. And there's more to imagine when you listen. As an Audible member, you can choose one title a month to keep from their entire catalog. Currently, I'm listening to Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, a wonderful audio title that challenges us to imagine a new way to lead

love, work, parent, and educate through the power of vulnerability. New members can try Audible free for 30 days. Visit audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500. That's audible.com slash happening or text happening to 500-500.

This Is Actually Happening is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Whether you love true crime or comedy, celebrity interviews or news, you call the shots on what's in your podcast queue. And guess what? Now you can call them on your auto insurance too with the Name Your Price tool from Progressive.

It works just the way it sounds. You tell Progressive how much you want to pay for car insurance, and they'll show you coverage options that fit your budget. Get your quote today at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Hello Prime members. Have you heard you can listen to your favorite podcasts like this is actually happening ad-free? It's good news. With Amazon Music, you have access to the largest catalog of ad-free top podcasts included with your Prime membership.

To start listening, download the Amazon Music app for free or go to amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts. That's amazon.com slash ad-free podcasts to catch up on the latest episodes without the ads. Check out our recently completed six-part series, The 82% Modern Stories of Love and Family, ad-free with your Prime membership.

Everything from your toes shrinks up into your belly and everything from your head shrinks down and meets it. And right in the center of your body, there's this lead heavy ball and inside of it is an immediate understanding of evil. Welcome to the Permatemp Corporation. A presentation of the audio podcast, This Is Actually Happening. Episode 160.

What if you were assaulted by a stranger in the dark? This Is Actually Happening is sponsored by ADT. ADT knows a lot can happen in a second. One second, you're happily single. And the next second, you catch a glimpse of someone and you don't want to be. Maybe one second, you have a business idea that seems like a pipe dream. And the next, you have an LLC and a dream come true. And when it comes to your home, one second, you feel safe,

And the next, something goes wrong. But with ADT's 24-7 professional monitoring, you still feel safe. Because when every second counts, count on ADT. Visit ADT.com today. I think I had what most people would call a normal childhood. I was a pretty insecure kid. I was probably an annoying kid. I think in my adulthood, it's become quirkiness. But as a kid, I think I was just annoying.

Otherwise, I mean, I was just a normal kid. We went to church, grew up in a pretty conservative Christian house. I didn't have a great relationship with my dad. I wouldn't call him abusive. I would call him a jerk. He was not my biological father, but he adopted me when I was very young.

He was very, very, very conservative and had an almost encyclopedic knowledge of the Bible. And he really liked to kind of use that as a weapon. I grew up in Phoenix and I lived there for the better part of 30 years. And in my late teens and in my 20s,

I was sort of saturated with Christianity and a certain set of expectations. And part of that included getting married and having children and going to college and getting a degree and having a house. And I was desperately searching for that, but I don't think that that's what I wanted or what was good for me. And I didn't think that I had any other choices.

I was kind of trying to find my way. I moved out when I was 18 and stopped going to church. And I was just trying to, I think like we all are in our 20s, just trying to figure it out, figure out who you're going to be and what you want to do. But I felt kind of stuck in a stuck and you're not sure what you're doing wrong. I would have told you I'm happy. If somebody said, are you a happy person? I would have said, sure, I'm happy. And then I would have complained about everything I was miserable about.

And when I would talk to people about the problems in my relationships, all I would hear is like, oh, that's normal. Everybody goes through that. And so it's like, that's what it's like to be happy. But I just felt like even though I wasn't necessarily happy that I was happy, like what other kind of life is there for me? I don't even know what that looks like.

I felt completely unfulfilled. And I felt like if this is all there is, then I'm going to have to go somewhere else and make sure that it's not different somewhere else before I resign myself to life is just this. And it was at that point that I was like, I've got to get out of Arizona. I just cannot be here anymore. And I had a friend from Arizona that had moved to Oregon. So she was like, come on up.

So I packed up my car and took what would fit in it. And a month later, I left and drove up to Oregon. And it was the single best decision I think I ever made for myself in my whole life.

the weather here is beautiful. And I was meeting new people. And I was going on lots of adventures. And I was pretty active. And I was working a lot of hours. And I was doing kind of manual labor in a restaurant. And I lost a ton of weight, gosh, 80 pounds, which was life changing. And it was just exhilarating. I started walking all the time. And I fell in love with the outdoors. And I was

kind of figuring out what I wanted from life and how I felt about things that I had always believed, spirituality and how I felt about relationships. And I just felt alive. And I was in a place where I felt like anything was possible. I had freedom that I didn't even know how much I needed it. And it's a freedom that I had never felt in my life. I felt like I could literally do anything I wanted. I

My friend that already lived here introduced me to one of her other friends who worked for a company that was more corporate, sort of more in line with stuff that I had done in the past. So I was able to kind of get a more nine to five position. Working at that place is how I met Marcus, which has been probably the most significant association of my entire life.

He had also recently just moved to Oregon from Texas. And we were both kind of in yes, adventure mode. And it kind of slowly progressed from there. And it was a really magical time for both of us, I think, because everything was new and exciting, you know. Life settles in. Not everything feels like a vacation once you settle into normal. But

But I was very happy and I really felt like I was on a journey of kind of opening my mind and exploring things that I hadn't explored before. And I was really trying to figure out who I wanted to be. I had actually just started a new job and Marcus and I had a little apartment about four miles from my work.

And I keep odd hours kind of anyway. I don't know why, but as I've gotten older, I just tend to fall asleep pretty early. And I wake up pretty early, like middle of the night early, one or two in the morning sometimes. But also this job started at 5 a.m. and I walked to work. I really enjoyed that time of day. It was very quiet. It was nice and cool. There was no traffic. And so I kind of felt like I had the world to myself a little bit.

I'd encountered a couple of people that made me nervous. And I remember telling Marcus like that 3.30 to 4.30, that hour is like the witching, that's the witching hour for crazy people to come out and just be crazy. I didn't have to be to work till five. It took me about an hour and a half to walk. And I left thinking that I was going to go grab a scooter. They have those rental scooters downtown.

And I had just bought pepper spray and a stun gun. I was not carrying the pepper spray. I was carrying the stun gun instead. And I was using an app on my phone called Noonlight that you just hold your finger on a sensor. And if you take your finger off, you have to enter a code within 10 seconds. And if you don't enter a code, then they call you and then they dispatch police to you. So I was like, it'll be fine.

So I just thought I would leave a little bit early and I would grab that scooter. And so I left. I left for work. It was 60 degrees probably. It was beautiful. And I had my earbuds in. I was listening to a true crime podcast. I was about a mile into my walk and I was walking on the main road that leads from my house into downtown.

There's an Under Armour building on one side of that road just before downtown and attached to that is like a big running track. So there's lights on the track, but it was again, it was 3.30 in the morning, so it was dark. So the only part that was lit up was a track. As I'm walking past Under Armour, there was an ambulance park there. I remember seeing that ambulance. And as I passed the ambulance and saw onto the track, there was a guy like a jogger on the track, but otherwise there was nobody around.

I kept walking. I passed Under Armour. There's a bar just past Under Armour. And then on the other side of that bar starts the beginning of downtown. There's an overpass right there. That marks kind of the beginning of the downtown area. Behind the overpass fence, there's like a super dark, it's just black as night back there. So I never walk on the sidewalk right there.

And I moved into the street. So I'm walking in the street and I get to the middle of the overpass. And I had glanced just like a casual glance over my shoulder. And I didn't expect to see anybody, but I saw the jogger from the Under Armour track. And I kind of did a double take because I wasn't expecting to see him. But before I could even do that second glance, he was

On my left, coming up to me saying something, I was taking my earbud out saying, what? And he said, show me your tits and I won't hurt you. Time stopped. I kind of, it took me a second. I remember saying, what? But I already knew what he had said. And he repeated himself, show me your tits or I'll kill you.

He had his hand up weird. And when I said, what? And he said it again, I realized he had a knife. Just the length of the knife was all that was between he and I. And he had that right in front of my chest. I remember just kind of going, ah, ah. And he said, just take him out. I kind of stuttered and said, ah. And he said, just take him out. Take him out and I won't hurt you.

And I had a backpack on. So I remember it being so awkward, but I had to reach through the top of my shirt and pulled my right breast out of the collar of my shirt, like pulled my shirt down and pulled it out. And he immediately licked his lips and kind of, I don't know, I don't even know how to describe the sound he made. It just made me, it made me shudder. And he said, let me touch him.

And I won't hurt you or I won't kill you. And I said, please don't. And he said, just let me, I'm just going to touch him. Just let me touch him. I mean, you do what somebody tells you when they have a knife on you. And my brain was exploding. I mean, I was thinking so many things like, can I get away? God.

He touches me, he puts his hands on my breasts and he starts playing with it and saying, that's really nice, those are really nice. And I just said, thank you. And I wanted to throw up, but I didn't know what else to say. I knew as soon as he made contact with me that that was it, that's as far as I could let it go because otherwise he was just going to keep escalating.

And what's what's going to come next, right? Just take off your backpack and take your pants off. Just walk with me over here to this shadowy area. And then he's going to stab me to death and throw me off of the overpass. So this guy was eight inches from my face, letting me memorize his face and holding a knife to my chest, telling me he would kill me if I didn't do what he wanted. And then I did what he wanted. And then he asked me for more.

He didn't ask me for money. He didn't ask me for help. He wanted my body. And that's a really specific request. And it's a specific kind of terror. I could not get my feet under me. I knew I had to go, but I mean, I just couldn't. I was so scared. There's the moment when your body and your brain connect to what's happening in front of you and everything changes.

Time really does feel like it stops. Like you can't hear background noise. You don't hear traffic. You don't hear the wind. All you hear is your heartbeat and this person. It's just you and this person. That's the only thing that exists.

Everything from your toes shrinks up into your belly and everything from your head shrinks down and meets it. And right in the center of your body, there's this lead heavy ball and inside of it is an immediate understanding of evil, of what the world is really like, of what people are really capable of, and that somebody right now, immediately right now wants you dead.

That's the grossest feeling. I can't, I don't ever want to feel like that again.

I remember looking towards home. It's so vivid in my head, looking towards home and hearing Marcus's name in my head, just hearing Marcus. I haven't really been able to articulate this yet. I feel like it sounds weird when I say it, but I felt so sorry and I still feel so sorry when I think I just was so devastated for him that this was happening that I couldn't get to him.

Because I knew he would help me if he could. And he was just sleeping and thought I was safe. And I was so close. I was just a mile away. And I could just picture him in there. I just wanted to reach through his bedroom wall, make my arm long and reach his bedroom wall and wake him up. And I was so sorry that he wasn't going to know what happened. And I don't know how to explain that. It still makes me sick.

I had both my hands up. So he saw my phone in my left hand and my stun gun in my right hand. And I briefly considered using the stun gun, but that knife was just, I mean, it was just right in my chest. So I really felt like my odds of stunning him before he could stab me. I don't know. It just didn't, it just didn't feel like the right thing to do.

I felt like compliance and flight was going to be my preferred means of escape. I just didn't want to have to fight with that guy if I didn't have to. And so in my head, I'm thinking, you got to run, you got to run, you got to run. And also thinking, you don't know how to fight. So I'm preparing myself to fight this man to the death, certain that I'm going to lose.

But I had taken my finger off of that noon light sensor. And so there I had already started, like, I felt my phone buzzing for that code. And I was thinking any minute now, like any minute now, there's somebody's going to come. Somebody's going to come. He is touching me. He tells me how great that is for him. And I say, may I please go now? And he says no. And I just took off. I just bolted.

I'm sure everybody who's ever been in a situation like that says this, but like you don't know how fast you can run until you're running for your life.

Your body really takes over for you. I really felt like it was a passenger for a lot of that. It's like your brain starts rapid firing. Everything else slows down. It's almost like an engine starting. You can feel your body gearing up to do what it's got to do. And your brain takes you where you need to go. I mean, I really felt like I didn't have any control over my thoughts. I was not thinking they were happening for me.

And I briefly glanced back and he was just standing there in that same position with his just staring at me. And I didn't I mean, I just kept running and my phone was ringing because Noonlight had been calling me that app that I was using. I had taken my finger off as soon as the start and they'd been calling that whole time.

I was able to answer the phone. They were so lovely. And she, you know, I think she just said, this is Noonlight. Is everything okay? And I'm screaming, no, there's a man with a knife trying to kill me. Please help me.

She started asking me what he looked like and where I was. And she could see where I was, but she said, do you know where the Chevron is? And she directed me to this empty gas station. It was closed, but everything was closed. It was 3.30 in the morning.

So I'm in downtown now. I had run several blocks into downtown. I'm talking to Noonlight. I'm screaming intermittently, where the fuck are the cops? And then apologizing to her. She was so kind to me. She was so kind. She was my friend and she told me how brave I was and that they were going to get me home and get me safe and that I didn't do anything wrong. And she's just exactly what people need in a situation like that, really.

And honestly, without Noonlight, I don't think I would have been as willing to run and risk that if I didn't think somebody was coming already. You know what I mean? Because I was alone. I've never felt more alone in my whole life.

So knowing that at some point somebody was going to come, it might not be right now or the next minute, but somebody is going to be alerted somewhere that something's happening. And so somebody will be able to at least find your body.

I just waited on the phone with her. And at one point, I ran from the Chevron into the shadows of another building because there was a guy walking towards me and I didn't know who he was. And he was just some kid, I think, looking back on it now. And I was whimpering and saying, no, no, no. And I think he thought I was crazy. But I waited, I waited, kind of crouched down in the shadows of this building until the cops got there. It took them 12 or 13 minutes, I think.

Today's episode is brought to you by Quince. It's been a busy season of events and travel, and my wardrobe has taken a beating. A total overhaul isn't in my budget, but I'm replacing some of those worn-out pieces with affordable, high-quality essentials from Quince. By partnering with Top Factories, Quince cuts out the cost to the middleman and passes the savings on to us.

I love the Italian board shorts. They're made from quick-drying material and offer UPF 50 protection for all-day wear, so I can go from hiking to lounging on the beach without a wardrobe change. And compared to other luxury brands, the prices are well within my reach.

Upgrade your wardrobe with pieces made to last with Quince. Go to quince.com slash happening for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash happening to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash happening

This season, Instacart has your back to school. As in, they've got your back to school lunch favorites, like snack packs and fresh fruit. And they've got your back to school supplies, like backpacks, binders, and pencils. And they've got your back when your kid casually tells you they have a huge school project due tomorrow.

Let's face it, we were all that kid. So first call your parents to say I'm sorry, and then download the Instacart app to get delivery in as fast as 30 minutes all school year long. Get a $0 delivery fee for your first three orders while supplies last. Minimum $10 per order. Additional terms apply. When I saw them, I ran screaming across the street. And they were fine, I guess, but...

Really only one of them talked to me. The other one just got the description and then took off and went and looked for the guy. But the officer that talked to me asked me a lot of the same questions. He asked me three different times how I know this guy. And I kept saying, I don't know him. I don't know him.

We did a report and I asked him if he would take me home. And he asked me again where I lived. And it was, we were about a mile and a half from my house at that point. And he said, well, I don't really patrol that, that far South. And then he just stood there and looked at me like I was supposed to be like, okay, cool. I'll just walk then back the direction where that, that guy ran. And I just said, why? I mean, I don't, I can call it lift, I guess. And he was like, no, that's fine. Just get in. Yeah.

So he softened up a little bit, a little bit when we were in the patrol car. I was crying, weeping in the back and I just felt so lonely and I just wanted to go home. He kind of said, well, I'm sorry this happened, but if you're going to be walking around in downtown, then at 3.30 in the morning, then you need to be carrying a gun. It's not safe. And I was like, okay, well, I mean, we'll deal with that tomorrow. Thank you for your concern.

He shook my hand and he put his floodlight up on my door, watched me get in safely. And I appreciated that at that moment. I just wanted to kind of feel safe. And so I came in and it was dark. Marcus was asleep. Closed the door and locked it. And I just kind of sat down on the floor. Maybe I was crying, but I just didn't know what to do.

After a few minutes, I went in and he woke up and he just hugged me and cried with me. And we just sat there and cried. And I remember him going outside at one point and calling his boss. He was like, I'm going to call in. And I've just never seen him look so angry, doesn't cover it, distraught maybe. And I think that was the first moment that I realized how real it was. Like, oh, this just happened.

I couldn't tell you all the days for the first couple of weeks kind of blend together. There was a lot of crying. There was just a lot of sitting, kind of being in shock and not knowing what to do. I tried to go back to work. This happened on a Friday. I tried to go back that Monday. I was there maybe five minutes and I was like, no, no, no, this is not good. So I went back the next day and I stayed for a couple of hours and I was just a wreck.

I think maybe the fourth or fifth day after the attack, I think Marcus and I both were chatting and saying, this is not just going to go away. Like, this is a big deal. It takes a while to sink in how scary it is, you know, and how real it is, how real that was. Yeah.

Everything changes. That is for sure. Everything rapidly became about safety and fear. You know, just he's out there. We don't know who he is. Statistically, it's unlikely this is the first time he's done this and it's unlikely to be the last time. So I was absolutely and it happened a mile from home. The day of I talked to the police advocate, but she did tell me that they were very backed up. So an investigator probably wouldn't be contacting me for a few days.

And so we went, Marcus and I got up and went to the bar that was right there by where this happened and asked them if they had video. The manager called us within a couple of hours and said, yeah, I've got video that shows you walking and him walking behind you. And then him running back the opposite direction a few minutes later. So we went, we hopped in the car and went down there and got that on a flash drive. They were, they were so gracious to give it to us.

So we did a little investigating. We drove around a lot in the beginning and looked for to see if we could find him, I guess. I don't know. And then as the weeks go on, you sort of settle into realizing that this is they're not going to solve this.

There's no DNA. This happened on a freeway overpass. The video that we have isn't good. It's good to for general description, rightly, you can see that he's got a long gray ponytail, you can see that he's wearing a black hoodie and shorts and these black and white shoes and that he's thin and kind of then that he's white. But you can't you can't make out his face.

So what's going to happen? Like this guy's going to attack me. They're never going to catch him. They're already overworked and understaffed in the police department and they've got nothing to work with. I felt pretty hopeless about that. And I was trying to adjust my expectations and remember thinking that I was like, okay, with them not finding him, right? Like, what can you do?

And then my investigator reached out and he was so optimistic. And he said, you know, well, we're going to have you go down and do a sketch and we'll give it to the patrol officers and we'll put a packet together for them and give them the video and they'll start talking to people on the street and we'll find him. And I really was just like, okay, kind of go on about life and get a leave of absence from work, get into some trauma counseling through Crime Victims Compensation through the Department of Justice, which is fantastic.

And then on the 27th, so this happened on the 5th of July, on the 27th of July, I got a call from my investigator and he said that they had made an arrest.

I was really surprised. And I said, how confident are you? And he said, I'm very confident. And that's when he told me that on the 26th, which was the day before, a man had come up to two women that were sleeping in an alcove, which was about a block away from where I was working.

He went up to two sleeping women. He held a knife to one of their throats and raped her. And her friend woke up and realized what was happening and grabbed her knife and was able to push him, kick him off of her friend. And they tussled. He slammed her head on the concrete and she grabbed his knife by the blade and got it away from him and he took off. They gave the same exact description down to the clothing description.

for several reasons. They were convinced that this was the same guy. I didn't know how they got his name, but they did arrest somebody. From the news, another victim came forward and said that was the same guy that had come up to her on the 25th, held a knife to her throat, and raped her. So we go to the grand jury. They indict him. He's held on $2 million bond.

We're like preparing for the wait, you know, for a trial. And oddly, I did not feel any better when they arrested him. I thought I would. And I felt, I really felt stressed. I thought, man, we're just going to be, now we're just going to be living this for the next two years, you know, however long it takes to prosecute him. It felt exhausting to think about.

They indicted him in August, in the beginning of August. And at the end of September or beginning of October, I got a call from the DA's office and he said, we have a big problem. We came upon some video from the guy that they arrested from his apartment complex showing that he entered his apartment prior to the attack on the 25th and not leaving until after the attack on the 26th.

So they rushed the DNA from the last two attacks and it didn't match him. So they let him go as they should have. Retroactively, I think the confidence of the investigators made me sure. I saw his picture and I remember thinking, that guy looks a little old.

But also, you don't really trust yourself when something like that happens. And I think that eyewitness testimony is scary. It's a scary thing. I don't trust myself. I met that guy for three minutes and I was panicked the whole time. So I remember his face, but do I remember it well enough to know it from a picture? I don't know.

I felt so confident about my investigator and he didn't seem like he had an agenda. He really just seemed like he just wanted to find the right guy and get justice for us and keep some people safe. Then my investigator retired. I have a new investigator. He's also set an expectation for me that it's unlikely that my case will be solved, but they do believe that it's connected to these other attacks and they do have DNA from those. So you never know.

The attack itself was only just under three minutes. And it's just shocking how much can happen. You know, it's going to be a long journey in the very beginning. So I knew that it was going to probably be the hardest thing that I've ever had to figure out. I was scared of everything. I didn't go places alone. I didn't really go places in the beginning.

I was scared to be inside my house. I remember I would sit and stare at the deadbolt on the door and think, I'm not safe anywhere. If somebody wants to get in here, they're going to get in here. And then where am I going to go? I'm on the second floor. I would have to jump out. And what if somebody put a ladder up onto our patio and came in the sliding glass door? So I'm obsessively checking locks.

I knew it was weird OCD. Like I got to check everything 15 times and I knew it was ridiculous. And I just wanted to be able to do it and reassure myself without alarming anybody that I was crazy. The overarching theme is fear. And it's the one thing that I find it really difficult to move past. I mean, you go through a wide range of things. And in the beginning, I felt a lot of despair and

And it's grief, which sounds weird to say because, you know, it's not a physical loss. And physically, I wasn't hurt. He didn't have scars. I didn't have physical pain to heal from.

There's a lot of confusion also as it relates to that, because you hear other people who go through these types of things who do get hurt. These other victims, you know, and you start to think, am I just being dramatic? Like, at least, at least he didn't stab me.

And then you start to shame yourself. And then there's a lot of sadness and despair. It was just dripping off of me. I felt like my body was just made of it, just made of despair. Now I feel like I can identify it as a loss of freedom.

I had come into this life where I was so happy and I felt so free and kind of carefree. And I really enjoyed walking. I can't stress that enough, that sort of dark middle of the night walking. I really loved it. And it seems so stupid now because of course it's not safe to walk around in the middle of the night by yourself. That's ridiculous. But I loved it. And I felt so free. I just felt like I can do whatever I want.

All of the emotions probably stem from the impotence you feel. That despair, I think, is just over feeling like everything's different. You have no control in this world. You feel helplessness. The only way to be safe is to never leave your house. And then I just felt, well, that's stupid because somebody could break in here. You really drive yourself, yourself nuts.

You can do everything you want to do to keep yourself safe. And it doesn't really matter, you know? Like, it's just blind luck. I don't have a better word for evil. And I know that that's, to me, that's probably more of a religious term. And I don't believe in God. But I do believe that people possess darkness.

Call it what you want. I've listened to true crime. I love mysteries. And so I have heard lots of stories about predators and evil people. And I'm just not sure we're capable of really, really grasping what that means until something like that happens.

I also know that when people say that, it makes the people that are trying to relate to them feel like, okay, so I just can't understand what's the point of even trying. And I don't say it dismissively. I would have told people, sure, I could imagine how scary that would be. And you just can't. When I think about how real that is, it really does make me want to vomit. I get my stomach just recoils. I can't. Yeah.

That's a person who woke up. He's a person just like you and I. I mean, there's nothing special about this guy. He's just a regular guy. He woke up and at some point something happened. His desire to hurt somebody got so bad that he was willing to do it in the middle of a road under a streetlight, letting me see his face where anybody could drive by if it wasn't so early in the morning. And he was like,

I don't know, understanding that people will actually put themselves at that kind of risk because they so badly want to terrorize you. It's dark. It's dark. It's so I wish I didn't know that. I wish I didn't know about it.

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie. And one thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. Because with every fix, update, and renovation, it becomes a little more your own. So you need all your jobs done well. For nearly 30 years, Angie has helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter. From plumbing to electrical, roof repair to deck upgrades. So leave it to the pros who will get your jobs done well. Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie.

Hire high-quality, certified pros at Angie.com.

Most Americans think they spend about $62 per month on subscriptions. But get this, the real number is closer to $300. That is literally thousands of dollars a year, half of which you've probably forgotten about. Thankfully, Rocket Money can find a bunch of subscriptions you've forgotten all about and then help you cancel the ones you don't want anymore. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions,

monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's features.

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash wondery. That's rocketmoney.com slash wondery. Rocketmoney.com slash wondery. Me and Marcus talk a lot about the illusion of safety.

It's so powerful. Like it really, it's really like the veil, the veil is lifted. That illusion of safety just gets shattered. It falls. And now you see what the world is really like. Like you can see the shadow people now. I've recently fully come into my rage about this. So I'm a little irritable. I'm really sensitive. You know, I feel raw. Being fearful of everything. That's a big change. I mean, being terrified to go out for a walk.

That's a big change. I don't think I'll fully know all the ways it's changed me until when. I don't know. How people react to your trauma is so interesting. When something like this happens, in an effort to relate to you, people will tell you how this is like this thing that happened to them. If I could send a message to other people, it would be to not do that. Yeah.

When somebody is in the throes of sort of a really scary trauma, I think it's important to know when to try to relate and when not to. Really, people are doing the best they can and nobody knows what to say. And so I think everybody's just trying to be helpful.

Even within groups of other survivors, there's a lot of comparing. Well, at least this didn't happen. Or at least, you know, I actually had somebody say, well, at least they caught your guy. They'll never catch mine. This was when they thought they had caught him. But I think the most comfort I felt was when people said, man, I don't, I don't know what to say. You know, I love you. And I'm glad that you're safe. And I'm so sorry this happened.

You know, you don't have to do anything, but I think if you have a desire to help and you're not sure how, then just acknowledging how much it sucks and telling somebody how you feel about them is the very best thing you can do. I am only recently in a functional spot about it. I mean, I went back to work two and a half weeks ago. That was a huge change.

huge stepping stone to really internally acknowledging and believing, okay, so I really, there is a possibility that I will be okay again. Up to that point, I don't know a more honest way to say this, but like, I really just wasn't sure if I wanted to be alive, even though I wasn't suicidal. There was a real sense of being in limbo. This thing that happened just made me feel so broken. I mean, I just felt so violated and so just...

deflated. I would remind myself of the progress that I had made and Marcus would remind me of the progress I had made. And it always, it felt really patronizing. You know what I mean? It feels like you're telling yourself, oh, you're doing so good. It's even though it's like, you're not doing good. You're not doing good at all. You're just falling apart.

Every decision I make is colored by this still. I mean, it's everything. I still check the door a million times. I'll check and make sure I've got my pepper spray on. I'll check that 20 times. I'll look at my phone to make sure my finger's still on the noon light sensor, even though I know it would buzz, you know? Yeah.

What's the best time of day to go places so that you're going to encounter the least amount of people? What's the best way to get to your car if you parked a long way from the entrance to something so that if you have to run, you're most likely to get help? I started taking jujitsu and that was a big step too. I'm not under any illusion that this thing will not be with me forever, but it doesn't have to be the only thing.

It's really only been a few weeks that I've been able to say, okay, yes, I can survive this. I will get better. It's just going to take some time. I have to walk, you know, and I have to walk alone. And the very beginning of my day is kind of a walk in the dark. So my very first day of work, somebody, a homeless guy screamed at me at a bus stop and he wanted to share his ice cream and I didn't want it. And he got mad. So he screamed in my face and

First of all, my reaction was not what I had hoped. I didn't get mad and pepper spray him. At that point, I just shook and cried and begged him to please stop. I don't think he could stop if he wanted to. And eventually he moved on. I don't have a strong sense of vengeance, really. In fact, I feel a lot of ways about that guy. I feel furious about

In my dark moments, I can picture myself standing face to face with him and squeezing the life out of him because I'm so fucking mad. And also, I feel a tremendous amount of sympathy for him.

I don't know if this is true or not, but I feel like living a life where you are a predator is not what anybody would choose if they could choose any life that they wanted. And I would imagine that if you, if we ever find this guy and we look at his life, we'll find a number of areas where he probably could have gotten help or somebody could have recognized that there was a problem. And maybe there is no help for his particular kind of concerns or ailment, but I

He's also other things. Maybe he's got kids, you know, certainly he's got a mother. Maybe he's got a whole family. So it's hard to it's hard to say, well, I think he's a piece of shit and he's disgusting and he doesn't deserve to be alive. Like I think he's a piece of shit for what he did to me. And if I had the opportunity to kill him, I'm not sure that I wouldn't if I wasn't having a ragey day over what he'd done to me.

But do I think he deserves a lifetime of misery? Not really. I mean, I think that it's very sad for him. I think that's very sad for him. And what a terrible life. There's sometimes a fear that the further away we get from this event, the more it's just sort of a whisper out into the universe. And there's some sense of like, even though I know it happened, and I've got video that proves it happened, and

The only other person that shares that moment with you does not give a shit about you. That guy doesn't. You know what I mean? He and I are the only ones that are there. I'm just telling some story and he's just a ghost. I have a strong desire to be able to see him without a knife in front of me, know that he exists. Just having a moment where he's not a big scary monster.

What I don't want to do is let this event turn me into somebody that thinks that the entire rest of my life is going to be a series of unfortunate events.

You have to give it its just dues, right? There's something oddly sacred about it. Nobody else shares it with you. You're the only one that understands how you feel. And it's a big deal. I mean, it's coloring every aspect of your life. So there's some kind of need to pay attention to it and let it exist and just roll around in how

fucking horrifying it is for a while. It's terrifying. And it's disgusting. And it turns your world upside down. And I think it's absolutely necessary not to immediately say, well, this kind of stuff happens. Got to get on with life. I don't think it's true. I think if you want to heal, you have to take time to just be disgusting in your trauma until that first niggle that you have that says, all right, are you sick of this yet?

Marcus has been, he's just the best teammate. He's been in the trenches with me from the beginning and he's helped me set a really solid foundation for how I want to kind of put my life back together. And I'm hopeful that I'll just keep making steps and that at some point I'm going to feel safe enough to go camping, to go on walks in my neighborhood by myself instead of commuting to a safer area. Yeah.

And it doesn't go away after that, but you start to look forward. Okay, I'm going to take one step and I'm going to go see a counselor or I'm going to take a jujitsu class or I'm going to

take a walk around the block, whatever the thing is, you really do just have to get to a point where it's like, okay, well, I'm still alive. I'm not really living. But yeah, it does feel like it owns you. It just feels like all there is it feels like all that exists. And I really, I really don't want to be a victim. I know a lot of people say that I feel like everybody says I didn't want to stay a victim forever. But you don't you don't want to be a victim. I liked my life. And I want to still like my life.

Trauma is a pause, right? Like kind of slows things down and you have to totally rearrange. And currently I really feel like I'm in a good spot and I just want to hang out here for a while. Like I've picked up so many things to carry and I'm good. I've got it. I'm all set, but I kind of picked them up awkwardly. And so if I put anything down, I'm going to drop everything. So I just want to kind of hang out here and think about what to do next.

If I'm going to be alive, then I need to be living. In order for me to feel like I'm doing what I need to do for myself. Am I living the best life I can? Am I trying to be happy? Am I seeking adventure and things that excite me and love and laughter and all that? And if I'm not, then what do I need to do to get there? Today's episode featured Kira Knight. You can reach Kira at violentcrimesurvivors at gmail.com. ♪

This Is Actually Happening is brought to you by me, Witt Misseldein. If you love what we do, you can join the community on our official Instagram page at Actually Happening. You can also rate and review the show on iTunes, which helps tremendously to boost visibility to a larger community of listeners. Thank you for listening. Until next time, stay tuned.

If you like This Is Actually Happening, you can listen to every episode ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.

Scammers are best known for living the high life until they're forced to trade it all in for handcuffs and an orange jumpsuit once they're finally caught. I'm Sachi Cole. And I'm Sarah Hagee. And we're the host of Scamfluencers, a weekly podcast from Wondery that takes you along the twists and turns of some of the most infamous scams of all time, the impact on victims, and what's left once the facade falls away.

We've covered stories like a Shark Tank certified entrepreneur who left the show with an investment but soon faced mounting bills, an active lawsuit filed by Larry King, and no real product to push. He then began to prey on vulnerable women instead, selling the idea of a future together while stealing from them behind their backs.

acts. To the infamous scams of Real Housewives stars like Teresa Giudice, what should have proven to be a major downfall only seemed to solidify her place in the Real Housewives Hall of Fame. Follow Scamfluencers on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Scamfluencers early and ad-free right now on Wondery Plus.