Session 29: Heather McMahan
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Hi pussies, welcome back to Therapus. Today we have one of my favorite comedians on, Heather McMahon. She's fucking hysterical. I hope this episode makes you laugh just as hard as it made me laugh. And without further ado, here are a few life updates. Okay,

So I guess by the time this airs, I would have already done this, but I literally just spontaneously booked a ticket to New York, which I've never, I'm like the least spontaneous person ever. Like if I'm traveling, like I must know four months in advance, but John Summit was performing at New York City Pride and like respectfully that was just calling my name. Like I had to go. Yeah. I don't think there's many other life updates. Someone called me skinny this morning. That was awesome. Yeah.

Seriously, thank you. Thanks, Louise. It was great. First words out of their mouth. They told me I looked great. It was sick. I just finished the other two and I was like, oh my god, I need a new show. So I started Search Party on HBO Max. Really funny. Need to get into it. We'll keep you guys posted.

And then after Search Party, I am going to do Broad City. Also, I know my nails are... Oh, you watch Broad City? Never seen it. No. Oh, that is insane. Is it funny? It's hilarious. Best show. Better than girls. Better than girls? Like more heart than girls? Or just funnier than girls? So should I stop watching Search Party and just watch Broad City? I don't know what Search Party is. So yeah.

Cool. I have been so, so happy with the response to this latest batch of episodes. Like it really just like I in the moment, I'm so having so much fun recording them. So then to see you guys enjoy them as much as I did making them is like the best feeling in the world. I hope that these episodes continue to make you guys laugh, continue to be like a blanket and comfort, whatever you need.

Thank you. I'm so grateful. I love you pussies more than anything. As always, submit Tell Me What's Wrongs to PassThatPuss.com and leave a name and number if you're feeling fancy. And without further ado...

I present to you Heather McMahon. Hi, pussies. Welcome back to Therapist. Today we have one of my favorite, favorite comedians, Heather McMahon. Hi, Heather. How are you? Thank you for having me. Thank you for being here. This is such a dream. I'm sorry. I came casual because I know we're going to talk through it and do the damn thing. We are. I'm usually so much more casual than this. I hate jeans. Yeah. Are you so uncomfortable right now? I'm so uncomfortable. I'm like shaking. I'm literally there. I wore something with a nice elastic waistband.

waist, which didn't look like I had a cesarean scar after I took off my pants. I get it. No, and like the jeans are like riding up all over. Just take off your pants. Get comfortable. Should I? Like maybe halfway through I might just get into my underwear. Yeah, do what you gotta do, honey. How are you? I'm great. How are you? I'm good. I love that. Look at us. We're already soul sisters. Oh,

Good and good. We're great. We ran into each other at the Grammys. We did. I was doing red carpet stuff and you were on the other side of the carpet. You were on the other side of the road. We made eye contact. It was like, what's that fucking painting where they reach for their hands? Yes. I know what you're talking about. Oh, the Da Vinci? Yes. The God painting. She was like, wait, Jake. And I looked and I was like,

Well, first of all, I was shocked that someone, I saw the E first and I was like, oh my God, someone from E is wanting to talk to me. And then I saw it was Heather and I was like, oh my God. We had a moment and then, but it was also torrential downpour. No one knew what the fuck was going on. Taylor Swift was also like 10 seconds after you walked away, she was walking down the red carpet and people were screaming. I literally had like a grown man put his hand in my face and just shoved me out of the way. And I screamed, Taylor!

You look stunning. And I did, she did turn around. I know she heard me. Wait, so does Taylor do any of those interviews when she walks the carpet or she goes? No, no, no. She did not stop at my stand. No, she did not. Did she like, what did she do? She did the glam bot, right? I don't even know if she did the glam bot. When she showed up though, you know, like she was with Lana and they were running down. I don't even think they did the glam bot because at that point there was like four inches of water all over the floor.

Along the red carpet and people were just sloshing around fighting for their lives. I wonder what it's like to like have that level of convenience. And by convenience, I mean like what Taylor Swift wants, like she's got it. She's not waiting in lines. When's the last time you think she waited in a line? That was 1993. 1993.

At Disney. Yeah. Are you kidding me? I can't even like get dinner reservations. Yes. I feel like I work so fucking hard in this business and my husband's name carries more weight than mine. He's not even famous, but he has a famous person's name. My husband is Jeff Daniels. Wow. Who is also, there's a very famous actor named Jeff Daniels from the newsroom, Dumb and Dumber. So I can't get dinner reservations. I call and use his name and they get it. Does it work? All the time. Yeah, for Jeff Daniels. Jeff Daniels. It's a very-

Kind of like whatever, like a Joe Smith kind of name, but it works. And then I show up and they're like, but this is always wildly disappointed. You're like, no, I do. I do comedy. I do stand up. I'm like, don't you follow me on TikTok? And they're like, no, bitch. We're like 19 and you're 37 and screaming at us. So I'm always screaming. Yeah, I'm right there with you. What's your star sign? What do you think? Okay, I'm going to guess. Yeah. Are you Sagittarius? I am not. But I like a sassy Sag. My mom's a sassy Sag. I'm a Pisces. What? What?

I love Pisces. You do? I love Pisces. That was like a visceral reaction. Like Scorpios and Pisces get along. Like my best friend is a Pisces. So what I have to do for you is I have to talk you off the ledge all the time. All the time. Yes, that's what she does all the time. Yeah, you're always like on the verge of tears. Yeah. You know, there's something about to happen. And then for me, you keep me grounded. You're like, listen, bitch, you got it. Because I'm a dreamer. I'm out there. I'm a psycho.

Yes. Believe, receive. And they're like, you're not going to be president. You barely passed your SATs. I think I can do anything. And then the rest of the people around me are like, pipe the fuck down. Pipe down. Yeah. Oh my God. Wait, that's so accurate. Yeah. Are you a March Pisces or a February Pisces? I'm a March. I'm an Ides of March. So I was born on March 15th, which is E2 Brute, which is the day that Julius Caesar was viciously murdered. Okay. So I have a lot of people around me, but I sleep with...

one eye open. Is that a true story, Julius Caesar? Yeah. Is Julius Caesar a true story? Oh, you mean as like folklore? Yes, it's true. It is true. Yes. I just meant like, is that like a fiction play or a nonfiction? No, it's true. It's a nonfiction. I was just making sure. Yeah, it's a nonfiction. It's a biopic. Okay.

Yes, it is true. I believe so. Right now I'm questioning it. I'm questioning it. That's what I'm saying. If you really start to think about it, you're like, is that true? He was killed by his right-hand guy. So that's, and I've had other people, and I don't play into the astrology, but I've had people be like, you have an intense energy. Yeah.

And people usually think I'm an Aries, but I have an intense energy and I'm, but they're always like, watch your back. And I'm like, you know what I mean? And I'm so trustworthy. You don't understand. Pisces are the most. I am. I am. I know that I will end up being like Selena where like I have somebody who's like my money manager who steals all my funds and then stabs me one day. Like I just, it's coming, you know, knock on wood. God, I don't want to put that in the universe, but you get it.

Yeah. Okay. So I think I've realized from this that I knock on wood wrong. I knock on wood when I'm like, this is the best day ever. Knock on wood. So like, let's make sure that it's the best day ever. If I'm like, this is the worst day ever. And someone's like, knock on wood. I'm like, what do you mean? No, you're doing it right. I think if you're like, yeah, because you don't want to jinx it. Right. That's what I thought. Or, well, did I?

Am I high and didn't realize it? Are you high? I'm not, but I'm second guessing. Do you want to get high? I can't because I have to work the rest of the day. Okay, yeah. But thank you for that suggestion. Of course. I'm a gummy gal. You know what I mean? Oh, you're a gummy gal? I can't smoke it anymore. I'm already raspy enough, so I can't hit the pipe like I used to. Yeah. I smoke every day. Good for you. Yeah. What's your strand? Hybrid. I'm indecisive. Yeah. Okay.

Actually, I'm sativa through and through. Really? I like an upper. And I already have pretty high energy, but I will hit a little sativa or take a little gummy, and I am cleaning the woodworks. You know what I mean? Yeah. I love to wipe a baseboard. That's my quiet time is...

I'm not, I'm a very clean person, but I'm messy. Okay. Because, you know, there's so many opportunities. Very Pisces of you. Yeah, very Pisces of me. But I love my quiet time at home. It's like I like to reorganize shit. I will just spend an hour just tinkering around in the bathroom, jingle jangling things. And my husband's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, I took a sativa gummy. Yeah, I need to be productive. I need to be productive. That's not me. Okay. Okay.

I am the laziest piece of shit you will ever meet in your entire life. Good for you. Like, I am so lazy. Like, to the point where I can't even change a payment method. Oh, okay. Can I tell you? Payment methods are so tricky, though. I don't want to pull out my wallet. I don't want to, like... And then at that point, talk about trustworthy. Save the card. Save it. Every fucking platform. Save it. Apple Pay fucks me up. Oh, it ruins my life. And then you got to know the four-digit code or whatever.

or whatever and then it never reads my face because I'm usually laying down and I have seven chins and it's like who is this monster? I really get it. I can't. But I only have two modes. I'm full work go go go or I'm literally like a dead corpse my thousand pound sister like I'm laying in bed you need to check my pulse and I'm not leaving for three days. I think that's kind of like how I am too but I hate being alone.

I don't like being alone either. I can't do it. It bugs me out. Well, I feel like you're a true extrovert. Yeah, I think I am. I like to be around people. Being around people re-energizes me. Right. I will say as an entertainer, there are moments where I genuinely have to like turn off, like

Turn it off. Go home. Don't talk to anybody. But I'm only allowed 24 hours alone and then I'm back out. Yeah, I'm because I'm in the streets. Continuing that? No, that gets dark and depressive. But my thing is, I honestly, I wanted to ask you about this because like this is like what something that I was dealing with. I was like, how do you

deal with like you're on how do you turn it off I don't know how to turn it off I don't know when to turn it off I don't know how to turn it on I don't know how to turn it off cause when you make it your job like it does it becomes your job so you do have to find the on and off button

I will say this. I am pretty much when most people meet me, I'm just as like energetic and real life. That's my issue. Um, I do like to listen though. So when I'm around like people that people that are in my circle, I can sit and just like let them fucking go because I'm always on every other time. So I like to sit back and like let somebody else entertain me. Uh, but I really am true to kind of what you get is what you see. However, on stage when I'm doing standup people, I take it up a thousand notches. Like,

A lot of people come, they're like, oh my God, that was full throttle. Like, I just don't give a fuck. I ripped the bandaid. I'm sorry. I'm very, I'm cursing a lot. I hope that's okay. Everyone always asks that. Yeah. You can curse as much as you want. But sometimes when you hear it back on like a podcast, you watch it, you're like, filthy whore. Yeah. Yeah.

I was listening to like this video. I was trying a bagel and I'm like, fuck, so fucking good. And I was like, ew. Yeah. Like, you know what I mean? We're talking about pastries. You know what I mean? It's not that serious. Like, why am I like screaming curse words about the bagel?

I was just doing a show in Salt Lake City and these two lovely gals brought their 16-year-old daughters to my show. And, I mean, my whole hour is about, like, my first year marriage, how to get the best blowjob, like, all these things. And I saw the moms. I was like, hey, like, usually it's only 21 and up in my shows because they serve alcohol. And I said, I...

I'm not changing my show, so I'm going to go ahead and give you the warning. Like, you can bounce now, but if not, girls, buckle up. I'm going to, your Aunt Heather's going to teach you some things. Like, I didn't know what else to do. Did they like that? They loved it. Great. I mean, I was doing a Taylor Swift thing, and they were like, yes, she's a queen. So,

I knew I had to reign him in. Yeah. Oh, God. I used to, I loved seeing stand-up comics when I was in high school with my mom. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Who are some of your favorite people? I love Whitney Cummings. Yeah, she's great. She's a gal. She's also one of the good ones in the biz where she, if you need anything, literally Whitney has somebody for anything. You're like, I need a podiatrist. Literally, she'll be like, Dr. Clark's on his way to your apartment. Yeah. She does not fuck around. She's my girl.

And I love Chelsea Handler. The best. Yeah. I grew up watching Chelsea lately, after lately. You know what I love? That you named two gals. I love that you named two females. And we'll give you a handjob later if that's what you need. Because I am so grateful that you support women in comedy. Well, I only support women in comedy. I love that. Thank you. And I say this notoriously. I don't find men funny. I try...

men can make me funnier like I can like play off of them but we saw this we saw this stand up show I forget fucking name again but we were there was like four guys and one woman and I only laughed at the woman it's just the thing I only find women funny

And you know what's funny? I still do those shows. Like, I just did a really big show in New York and I'm the only gal and I was literally standing around backstage in this green room around like comedy legends. I'm like, I'm the only vagina you guys could call. There wasn't one other woman who's like not on her period today so she felt well enough to come. I'm like, what?

How is this? How in 2024 are we still only, there's only one gal on the lineup. It's crazy because the only reason I am in comedy and like comedy is because of women. Great. Well, I mean, listen, we fight hard. We've been through a lot. And we, you know, we go hard.

And it's really funny too when people will come to the show. And obviously I have a strong like gay and female audience and the husbands come and they're like, oh, I had a fucking great time. I didn't know you so many big titties could be this fun. And I'm like, yes, yes, I'm a professional. Thank you. Mark, sit the fuck down. Sit down, Mark.

The funniest person in my life, though, is my husband because watching such a straight specimen go through the world is, it's a pretty wild thing to watch. It's funny, but it's, you know why it's funny? Why? Because you make it funny. It's your thoughts and your commentary that, like, takes in what he does and then, like, makes it funny. Because if I didn't joke about it, I would murder him. Yeah, or yourself. Or myself.

myself. Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. Wait, so when did you get into stand-up? Actually, the first time I really did stand-up was I was 16 and I performed at my high school prom. Wow. Yeah, so I like roasted the senior class. I was a junior. That's amazing. And that was, I knew, and I was always a play, I was a theater kid. I was always in comedy. And that was my first time doing like a real set. And it went well and I thought, okay, if I could do stand-up in front of my peers in the most awkward time of your life, which is like junior year of high school, then I've got this.

And then I just kept going. And then I studied theater in college. And then after I graduated college, I moved to New York. And I've just been grinding ever since. Damn. Yeah. Grinding horde. So you've been at it for a while. I've been at it. Yeah, I've been at it. Wow. Yeah, I feel a little road hard put away wet. You know? I feel...

I have been at it. And how's tour? Do you like tour? Because I'm about to take Therapist on tour in the fall. I can't wait for us to discuss this. I'm really, really, like if there's anything that's happened in this entire Mod Podge of a year, like doing live shows is my favorite. Yeah. My favorite thing.

I love, like, just, like, doing it in person. It's so much more rewarding. But what, like, what is it like for you to tour? And, like, be on and then off and then on and then off and then, you know. I will tell you this. My bones are broken. My back is out. Yeah. My pussy is dry. You know...

My bones are brittle. It is so physically taxing and it is the best thing in the entire world. As a stand-up, there is no greater joy or little zest I feel in my body than when I get out there and get that first laugh. However, it's not for the faint of heart. And I would love to see your tour schedule. I want to come see your show. But are you doing like, what's the tour schedule? How many shows, cities are we doing? Hmm. Louise?

25. Oh yeah. Okay, great. So you, yeah, I did 84 in like a span of like six months. Yeah. You're going to grind hard and I'm going to walk you through it. I'm going to tell you how to take care of yourself on the road. It is not for the faint of heart. It's, it's hard. It's a hard life. I love it. I'm actually just wrapped up my tour and I'm about to take a little bit of time off on the road. Cause I was like, I got to like see a chiropractor full time, go into physical therapy. I'm actually in so much pain. Um, but it's awesome. It's the best.

But you can't party. I'm going to tell you this right now. Yeah, you can't, right? You can't party. All right. And I want you to have a good time. I want you to like cut the tension, get the nerves out, but you got to take care of yourself on the road or you will not make it. Okay.

I need you to be mature. I'm going to be your Aunt Heather right now. I'm in my late 30s. I just want you to know you got to have a smoothie every now and then. That's what I'm worried about. The workout regimen. No, there's no working out. That's good to know. Everybody relax. There's no working out because you're doing a full stage. Your adrenaline is already up here. For me, it's really hard for me to get it to come down. Just maintain. Sleep. Rest. Do what you can. You're already working out on stage. How do you handle a bad?

bad crowd? Have you ever had like a really, really just bad crowd and you're like, holy fuck, what the fuck do I do? I mean, listen, during the early days, I've been in some like wild, gnarly clubs where you're just like, they don't love me, right? Yeah. No, I mean, I think it's really hard when the audiences are super drunk and I'm doing theaters. So for me, like you come in and it's a full performance. Right. I want you to leave feeling every emotion. I want you to laugh your ass off, but I want you to come into a theater. So I had a real kind of hard time adjusting when people would come to my shows so fucked up.

up. And I'm like, you just paid a bunch of fucking money. We're in this gorgeous historic theater and you just like shit yourself or like, no, we're not at a sorority swap. Let's have a good time. Um, you know, you got to adjust, but you'll learn that quick. I mean, that is, that is how you, um, work that muscle. Yeah. You got to deal with hecklers. You got to deal with it all, but you're going to be great. You're going to be solid. I'm excited. Just remember if you have a bad night, fuck it, forget it, let it go. And then say, here we come Cincinnati. Just do your thing.

Oh, I'm excited. You're going to crush. Well, with all this, I literally forgot to ask you, what are you a therapist about? And I'm actually really excited to hear whatever the answer may be. I am therapist about...

I'm a little therapist at myself. Okay. I work really hard and I don't say no to things. Yeah. And I hate when people are like, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Nothing is more annoying to me when somebody is like, I need boundaries. I'm like, the IRS is calling you. You have to pay your taxes. Yeah.

Like, you are going to prison with every other housewife. But I think I need a little boundaries. I'm going to be honest. I'm calling myself out right now. Yeah. I think I need a little boundaries. Are you good with boundaries? No. Yeah. Well, because I don't, like, I don't have them. I don't either. Like, I don't have them. So I'm just like, I'm very bad with them. But Louise has them. Okay, good. She puts them up. Yeah. Yeah. You have to. I'm the girl that's like, boundaries.

I mean, I got Tina in my life and she runs my production company. She's like, you are not going to this. You need to chill. But I don't know how to say no because you panic in this business. Like real conversation. I know everyone like, you know, goofs, but real conversation. Like I'm like, no, we got to do it. We got to say yes to everything. You have to. I thought I forget about me and I can't build a

pool you know that's what you can't i'm trying to buy a house on the turks and cacos like that's yeah my mom has a condo there but she hasn't put it in the will for me so like i gotta buy my own place you need your own place i've never been there yeah yeah so that's what i'm i i somehow need to get a backbone and tell people like no i'm fucking tired like right back off bitch but part of you enjoys it yeah and also like you people didn't invite me to stuff i'd be like wow

Yeah. I'm literally so depressed. Wait, I, my friend didn't invite me to something the other day and she's like, well, you say no to fucking everything. So, and I'm like, oh shit. But I hate when they throw that, that's gaslighting. When they throw that back in your face.

I don't even think that's a true definition of gaslighting. But they threw that back in your face. I was like, are you kidding me? Yeah. And she was like, sorry. And then you were like, okay, so are we going to Chili's or are we not? I've never been to Chili's. I'm sorry, what? I've never. But you grew up here. No, I grew up in New York. Oh, New York. In the suburbs. I grew up going to Friendly's. I grew up going to. But New York suburbs don't have, there's no Chili's. Yeah.

Are you Westchester? Yeah. Yeah. With particularly which? Hastings on Hudson. Okay, great. Yeah. My husband grew up in White Plains. Oh, okay. I used to go to the White Plains Mall. Oh, the White Plains Mall, which is no longer there anymore. What? Yeah, it got shut down. Why? It got scary for a minute. That was like my shit. No, Nordy's is still there. Like the Westchester Mall is there, but White Plains Mall, it's a wrap. I think I used to have like therapy in White Plains. Yeah. It was weird. I used to do like wacky therapy. Well, what kind of therapy? It was like...

with like blocks and like, but like really like, I was like 15. Yeah, I was going to say, that's kid therapy. I was like 16 doing that and I'm like, this doesn't like feel right, you know? And my parents are like, you just, we need this, something needs to fix.

I've been thinking about doing equine therapy. What's that? Because everyone's like, oh, it's where you work with horses. Yeah. And I asked my therapist, I'm like, so what? I just go there and somebody, you know, I annoy a horse and it kicks me in the face so that way I don't ever have to talk about my family again. What does that mean? I was just like. And she was like, no, Heather, you become one with the horse and it's supposed to calm anxiety. I don't believe in that. I'm like, just. I don't believe in that. I don't either. But I do. I am curious about ketamine therapy. Okay. But it bugs me out a little bit, but I've heard it's great.

Here's the thing. I'm not really running from anything. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Is that what the point of that is? Yeah, I think. No, I think the ketamine therapy is supposed to like tap into something else where it really like releases the trauma. I've gone through the trauma. I worked through the trauma every night I'm on stage. Right. You know? Right. Sorry, I was looking for my Celsius. No, you're fine. Louise, can you grab me my Celsius? Wow, you can Celsius.

Oh, my head would explode. My heart would stop. It does, but I need it to like, I've been so on, like, I need it to stay on. Okay. You see, I'm getting Anna Nicole Smith vibes right now. Do you know who she is? I feel like you're too young for Anna Nicole Smith. No, I know she was married to someone that was a lot older. Yeah, but she got on the uppers and she stayed up here and then it didn't turn out great for her.

Yeah. Like you'd like the Celsius. The I'm here. I'm up here. We got it. We got to come down. Right. She's gorgeous. She is gorgeous. I auditioned to play her in a movie recently, but I didn't book it. Oh, that would have been amazing. Rest in peace. Anna, if you ever, if your spirit ever sees this, that was my moment to shine.

Oh my God. Wait, speaking of rest in peace, I meant to say when you were talking about, it's crazy, but, um, when you were talking about like how hard women comedians work, you know, who worked so fucking hard and never got enough credit for it was Joan Rivers. Have you seen that documentary? Honey, Joan Rivers is the reason I'm in comedy. Me too.

So years ago, I was performing in New York and I would go see Joan all the time. And I have a very iconic photo of her and I after a show. You met her? Oh, I met her. Have I? Met her. And I just got to do Melissa Rivers, her daughter's podcast. And I was like, you don't understand what a full circle moment this is. Right.

So I met Joan in New York. She said, you're, you're got chutzpah. Like you're going to be great. I move out to LA. I'm sitting at a bar one night. I didn't know anybody out here. I just moved to LA and Joan walks in the door for an early dinner. She's sitting at a table with a bunch of like her buddies and I go up to her and I just say, Ms. Rivers, I want you to know I'm Heather McMahon. She said, Oh, we've met before in New York. You're a comic. I said, I am just want you to know you told me I had chutzpah and gave me the balls to come out here. Like, thank you for being such an icon and such a leader for women in comedy.

And she was like, thanks, sweetheart. Did her thing. And I sat back down at the bar. And then she came up to me. And she was like, you're going to make it. I have a good feeling about you. You had the balls to come up and say something. I hope you get everything you want. Okay.

And I went in my car and I hysterically cried. Like, like, like, like, like, like one of those, like, snot bubble cries. And she gave me her blessing. And then she didn't pass too long after that. And I was like, Joan is my everything. Oh, I love her. She was so funny. She was the best. She was the reason why women get to say what the fuck they want to say. It's really true. And for people that don't know her story, her story is wild. Didn't she get, like,

If I remember correctly, I haven't seen the documentary in a minute, but she was basically, for those who don't know, she kind of started out doing late night with this guy. Johnny Carson. Yes, and she was the side to him. And then another network offered her her own show, and she said yes, and he blacklisted her. Yes, he really fucked her over. And then her husband, unfortunately, took it so hard. He felt like he had fucked up something in that deal that he took his own life.

So then she lost her husband. I mean, it's real tragic. Yeah. Joan was doing standup up until she was like right before she passed, like in her eighties. I mean, she was a warrior bitch. She loved it. She loved it. And when she died, they put a bunch of her stuff from her estate up on a Christie's auction in New York. And at the time I didn't have a pot to piss in. And all I wanted were these Tiffany dog bowls that said like spike, like her two dogs names. And I look for them. That is the number one, like tab open on my computer. If ever,

Anybody who's watching this has those dog bowls. I will pay whatever price. I'm a new money bitch. I have the funds. I will pay you in Bitcoin. I will pay you in cold hard cash. I will show you my titties, whatever you want. I need those dog bowls for my dogs. That is my dream. It's the only antique I ever want. Please, thank you. Okay. I honestly think that might work. I know. Well, I went to, when I talked to Melissa, I was kind of hinting, like, you know where the dog bowls are? And she's like...

She didn't give me like a lock of hair or a family heirloom when I left and I was like kind of disappointed. Oh, and how is Melissa? How's her podcast? How is everything? Amazing. She's great. She's awesome. Do you remember when they went on The Celebrity Apprentice? Yes. Crushed. Oh, crushed. Yeah, those were the good old days. But Joan, if you don't know, if you're young and you're watching this, go watch. It's called A Piece of Work. It's the Joan Rivers documentary. It'll change your life. Oh my God. I'll never forget. The moment I remember from that documentary most is when she's going through her book

book her calendar book and she goes this is my worst nightmare and she points to two pages of just blankness yeah and she's like that is my worst nightmare that's kind of how I feel like I keep saying oh I'm so excited like I've been doing all these shows for Netflix as a joke comedy vessel but I'm like oh I'm so excited like I get time off this summer and I was driving over here and I was like I'm starting

to panic. That rattling in my brain where it's like, what do you mean we get a week off? Like, yes, I love to go to Italy. I love to go to the Turks vacation, but then mama needs to come back and know what she's doing. I love, I love to work. When you love what you do and what, like you're able to make people laugh. That's, oh my God, it must be crack to like hear when you make a joke and it hits you.

so hard. Like the oh my god it's like the best feeling in the entire world. I say it's the only place where I'm really actually respected. You know what I mean? Like I go on stage. I do 90 minutes. I get off stage and then I got people in my life being like my husband's like what are we doing for dinner? And I'm like shut the fuck up. I want to go be with

of people who love and adore me. Yeah, like, no, actually, though, but it is crack. I feel like the closest thing I'll ever get to being a pop star and them singing their lyrics back at me. See, that's my thing. Growing up, like, I was so dialed into the Spice Girls, Avril Lavigne, Bewitched. These are all, like, I used to listen to that shit and be like, I always knew I was going to be on stage in some capacity. So what are you a therapist about? You're asking? Yes. What am I a therapist about? God. Yeah.

I had steak for lunch. Oh, that's heavy. And it was just really heavy. Was it in a salad? No, no. I went and I recorded this cooking live stream with, you know Josh Richards? Yes. I did it with Josh Richards. It was really fun. He was so fun. I literally did it like two hours before this. But we cooked a ribeye steak. Yeah, heavy. With butter and thyme and salt. And I was like,

Fuck. Like, and I felt, and then they, after, if it only, and then you would think it would be over after the cooking bit is over, but they wanted to do a TikTok where we rushed to finish the steak.

No, you're like, I didn't know. Are you paying me for this? No, I'm not doing that. So I'm like shoving it in my mouth. That's a choking hazard. And then I got home and I'm like, like, I literally think I just almost fainted as I was speaking right now. Like meat sweats. Like, I'm just like not okay. And I'm also pissed because I found out salt has calories. It does? Thank you. I didn't know. Wait, what? Yeah. How many calories? That's what I said. I said, that can't be right. It's like an element. It's like,

No, it's a mineral. It's a mineral. No, that's bullshit. I don't believe that. You know, Julius Caesar was real, but salt, that's bullshit. Yeah. No, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. That's what I said. Can I tell you, that is my one thing that I really try not to be too much of a judgy bitch, but if I go to your house and that shit ain't salted, it's a wrap. It's a wrap. I don't even think we can be friends. It's a wrap. Salt is my favorite thing in the entire world. And actually, did you know that when you're hungover, it's not because you're really dehydrated, it's because you're low on salts. Yeah. It's minerals. Yeah.

Salt. So that's why if you get like a banana bag or like liquid IV or any of those things. It doesn't make you feel better. No, no. No, it's because it's salty. That's what you need. If you just drink a bunch of water, you're not going to feel better. You need the salt. Yeah. Yeah, you need the salt. That's why I gave electrolytes. Yes, electrolytes. So that's why you can eat shitty food. Yes, that's why you crave the sushi. I mean, you know, like you crave the salty shit. You crave the fries, the burger, all of it. Do you ever have like, have you ever had like, like infusions?

an infamous, like the worst hangover meal of all time. Like I remember mine to this day. Hit me with it. Um, I was in college and I went out the night before for my birthday and then my friends were away that weekend and they came back and they were like, we'll take you out for brunch. Where do you want to go? And at the time they were paying. And at the time, like my parents, like I was like, you know, I was like barely, I was broke college student and all my friends were always going to fucking sugar fish. And I was like,

Take me to Sugarfish. Yeah. I want to fucking experience what you guys are experiencing. So they took me to Sugarfish and I was so hungover. And it was, like, the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. Like, imagine eating raw fish with a headache. I mean, that is honestly a carnal sin, too, because Sugarfish is delicious. Yeah. And they serve Mexican Coke there. Like, the good Coke when you need a hangover. Like, the real shit. So the fact that you couldn't wolf down the sashimi? No.

I'm so sorry about that. That's my, what, do you have one? Well, I studied abroad in Italy and usually everything in Italy is pure and fantastic. But when I say I partied so fucking hard at study abroad, I remember being in like the Milan train station with the shakes and I was trying to get like a panini and I could see the piece of prosciutto like sliding out of the panini because I was shaking so bad and I was just like gumming focaccia and I was like...

I'm not going to make it. Yeah. Yeah. How I made it out of study abroad alive, I'll never know. I'm so jealous you got to do study abroad. COVID. COVID stripped it from me. Fuck. And I'm so sorry. It's okay. Can I tell you, I really don't think, because are you considered Gen X? Gen Z. Gen Z, I'm sorry. I think

that we, I'm an elder millennial, I don't think that we give y'all enough credit because y'all have really been through the trenches. Now, we've been through more. I think you guys have had it rough. Like, I think you guys have had it pretty rough. You know, we were all through, we all went through the pandemic together. Right. So that's the thing. Y'all didn't go through what we went through. But I will say y'all did really get fucked. It was just, and I think I look back at the pandemic and I'm like,

oh my god like I think I blocked it out because my life took like a 180 it's like everyone was like where you thought you were going yeah like here's a curve and then but where I headed which is right now right here that's where you're supposed to be where I couldn't I couldn't imagine being anywhere else I graduated in 2009 which was right after the top of the recession I was moving to New York that's a horrible time it was a horrible time nobody could get jobs thank god I was a theater major I was like I'm moving to

New York City to shake my tits. I wasn't worried about it, but I remember I actually, I did benefit in one way because I moved into a sick like doorman building because everyone had like left New York City because nobody could afford it. And I got, but then I only lasted there for one year and then they jacked up, you know, the economy figured itself out. They did. And then I was like, I cannot afford to live here. Right. My dad owned a computer software company and a mortgage, and he was in the mortgage biz. When did you make the switch from PC to Mac?

Oh, okay. Let me tell you what. So when I went, and I'll never forget this, when I went for my first year in the dorms at the University of Mississippi, my dad was like, there's no way you're having a laptop. Now, everybody has laptops. Back in 2005, like, yeah, you had laptops. But my dad was like, he was like an internet software. Oh, no, back in 2005 now. He did like spyware. He's like, hell no, Heather. I don't want somebody stealing your identity through the laptop.

So I had a desktop my first year at college. It only lasted for one semester. That doesn't sound crazy to me. 2005, that sounds like on brand. But everybody else still had like the laptop. Like I couldn't take my computer to class or anything. Right, okay. I mean, you really actually didn't do much of that when I was in college. Well, I'm really aging myself. But I remember the day I was like, dad, I literally need a laptop. This is fucking embarrassing. Because I'd have to like, you know, press a button. It would just like run hot all the time. I'm like, the dorm's going to catch fire because of this giant dinosaur in the corner. Yeah.

When did I switch over? I switched over...

I would say 2006. Oh, that's an early switch from PC to Mac. I got my first iPhone when I moved to New York in 2009. Okay, wow. So you're early on the Mac trade. I'm early. I remember my parents finally switched over and I thought it was the richest thing ever. Yeah. And I ran my hands through the keyboard and I was like, we did it. And it was white? Yeah. We fucking did it. We fucking did it. And I would run it and I was like, please feel the keyboard. Like, does it like, oh my God, my parents were feeling it. And I was like, I just, fine.

Finally. I used to have a Blackberry. Do you know what those are? Yeah, of course. Okay. Well, but I don't know. I like, I had the Blackberry and I used to get high off the BBM. Talk about like, that's like Pavlovian's like dog response when I think I'm like, you know, somebody loves me. I loved the Blackberry. Yeah. Wait. So, okay. So obviously you were there for the beginning of Facebook.

I was literally the first year. I know, I think it was the second year. So yeah, my senior year of high school is when Facebook- And was everyone talking about it? Oh yeah. I mean, back in the day- But you had MySpace too. We had MySpace and we had a couple of, it was a Zanga. We had a couple of things. Did Facebook feel like different? It felt different.

so fucking magical. It still makes me horny thinking about it. Like it was, I know I kind of got goosebumps. My nips are a little tight. It was really cool. And the best thing in the world was, and I love the digital cameras that made it come back because I got a digital camera. But used to go, I was in a sorority. I would go to like formals and stuff and I'd have that digital camera. I'd be on the dance floor.

whipping it around, you know, just like popping people in the head. And then you come back, you'd be hammered. You put your little SIM card into your desktop and then you come up with a really, it had to be like a witty name for a Facebook album, you know? And it was totally incriminating. Like when I, I'm like, the Facebook will destroy me. Yeah. You know, and I'm like, boats and homes.

And that's the name of a group. And then you tag everybody. And the next day you would wake up and have to like de-tag yourself and everything. And you had to, I mean, it's not like on the phone. It's not like on Instagram. Right. And it was one at a time. One at a time. And there was like 7,000 photos. Was it like crack when you would post a photo and you click your notifications? It would be like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, because they would like the whole album. It literally, there will never, I could, I've performed at Radio City and there will never be a bigger high than when you got liked on Facebook. Remember when you get poked?

Yeah, of course. Dude, if a guy poked you, you were like, I'm pregnant. Like, literally? I am. That was. I honestly think we should bring poking back. I think Facebook will make a comeback eventually just because like Meta owns everything. But like, I was at the very, very end of Facebook. I remember really missing out because I remember watching all the older girls when I was in elementary school that would like babysit me use Facebook. And I was like, they were leaving like videos on each other's timeline. Like,

But here's the thing. It is actually quite confusing and complicated. Like, we've progressed with technology. Like, you know, TikTok to maybe an older person might be a little confusing. You go on Facebook now, there are so many fucking new buttons. It's very confusing. It's the ads. It's the ads. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but we're willing to do any ads for any company that wants to pay us money. Anyone. Yeah. Yeah, those were the good days, though. Oh, my God. And now here we are just...

I'm trying to stay youthful. You are youthful. Thank you. I really appreciate that. You are. You have a youth TikTok. I know how to do it all. Yeah. I'm so youthful. Thank you. Would you know how to give the pussies advice? No.

Would they tell me what's wrong? Oh, no. Tell me everything. Okay. So the pussies write in. Okay. And we give them advice. Okay. And they tell us what's wrong. Oh, fuck yes. So that's why it's called therapist. Yes. Yes. So they tell us what's wrong and then we prescribe them something. Great. I'm in. I'm in. So like I prescribe you a Facebook poke. Okay. Great. From blah, blah, blah. Great. I prescribe you Jersey Shore. Fantastic. Something I prescribe frequently. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Like sweating. That was exhilarating. Yeah. Was that okay? I'm so sorry. I hope it was okay. I was like the Facebook, I was just like picturing how like, like everyone's like, are you on Facebook? Are you on Facebook? Like the rise of a new social media platform is like one of a crack that everyone, like the last time I felt that was like kind of TikTok, but really with Instagram. And I'll tell you what.

I still get high off the Instagrams. Yeah, me too. And I know that I just hover there. Of course, I love TikTok. Yeah. But I really still get high. When somebody slides, I don't know why a slide in the DMs on Instagram still hits harder than a slide in the DMs on TikTok. It does. I've had some heavy hitters slide in the TikToks and I go, it's not on the gram. It's not on the gram. It's not tickling the taint the way it should. The gram feels like a phone number. It feels like a phone number. It feels like a phone number. It's like, that's my personal, I know your name. Yeah, you're inside my house right now. My, like, I live here.

One of my good friends repeatedly goes after guys that I've shown interest in. It's gotten to the point where I bless you. It's gotten to the point where I no longer tell her about guys that I like. Oh, I hate that. I already hate this bitch. Same. The situation got worse when I recently found out she went to one of my other friends and was talking about a hookup story. I told her and specifically mentioned not to tell anyone because it was so bad. What do I do? So she's saying that her other friend is telling people her hookup stories or also going after the guys. Okay. Both. Both.

Well, this person needs to be burned at the stake. No, like absolutely not. You don't need to be friends with her. This is evil. This is actually evil. That's evil. And those aren't girls' girls. And you know what? That's just a, that's a mean bitch. And I feel like her name's probably like a Tiff. You know what I mean? Tiff or like...

A Joyce. Oh, a Joyce. Yeah. You know what Joyce does? Chase other people's dick. Yes. That's exactly what Joyce does. Yeah, you gotta let Joyce go. And you know what? It is gonna be toxic. She's not your friend. She's not. That is not a friend. That's absolutely not a friend. That's not a friend. That actually sounds, oh my God, that's giving me like PTSD to like people I knew in my past lives.

Wasn't it so sad like when you would tell a friend you're like I'm really into this guy and then you know 10 minutes later you're at the bar and they're up their ass and I'm like oh this is a game to you. So I haven't ever experienced that because I'm always the only gay guy in the friend group. I'm always the only guy but I've recently come into a group of new gay friends that I love so much. It's like my first gay friend group. We get along so well. It's amazing. So maybe I will experience that. Yeah. One day. Does it make you angry? Well.

Well, yeah, it would make me angry just because you're like, I thought I told you I liked this guy. Why are you going after him? And how do you handle that when that happens? There usually be some sort of physical altercation. You know what I mean? I whip the hoops off. I got a high fucking kick. Have you ever gotten into a... I have come to people's defense, but I'm really, I always say kind of my catchphrase in my personal life is it's not worth it. Yeah. People are fucking nuts. Yeah.

They're nuts. And I also, being in school when I was, like, yeah, they were like brawls, but I'm like, I also know my power. I'm 5'10". I've got the shoulders of an offensive lineman. I've got a thin ankle, but a high fucking kick. I'm flexible as fuck. You have a high kick, yeah. I could literally do some harm. Right. I've been thinking about joining a dojo and getting into some sort of mixed martial arts. You should. I think it'd be really good for, like, stress relief. You know what? It'd be great content, too. It would be superb content. Yeah, like, it would be, I would do it with you. Okay, you should be,

Join a dojo. How long are you here for? I'm here through next week, but yes, I have time off this summer. Let's join a dojo. Let's join a dojo. Okay, so anybody has, anybody wants us to join their dojo, we would love to come. That sounds amazing. It's stress relief. It's good for the heart health and we could fight a bitch. It's good for the heart health? Yeah, because I mean, you're exercising. Okay, amazing. Yeah. Well, what do you prescribe her? Because I prescribe her, I've prescribed this before, but I'm going to prescribe it again because this is like the one I can think of. Wild Child with Emma Roberts because in Wild Child, her best friend goes after her boyfriend.

Okay, I'm going to prescribe her a Canada whoop-dad-ass. And I think she goes in, I think she lets it go. No, what's good? Yeah. So, sorry. I kind of agree. Allegedly, though. Allegedly, you should. No, I think I prescribe her...

I prescribe her a nice glass of white wine to just calm down and just realize she needs to do a little self-reflecting by the pool and say, cut this, cut Joyce out of her life. Joyce needs to go. She needs to go. That's kind of the moral of the story. She's gone and Joyce is probably nothing without you. Joyce is literally actually the worst and never picks up the tab at dinner. We hate Joyce. Ugh, ever. Oh my God, this is literally, Nolan, these are so good back to back. Good Nolan. Hey, Nolan, cutie.

I finally cut off my childhood best friend because she was such an energy vampire as everyone in my life has always told me. Now she's posting passive aggressive things on social media, dissing me and making it seem like I was the bad friend. Okay. I'm thinking on this one. Hold on. So you had to break up with the girl. And now she's posting things kind of like running a smear campaign on her. Running a smear campaign. Yeah, she's running a smear. Being like, my therapist advice for everybody is fucking fight him. I don't know why.

You want to say it, say it to my face. Why am I right now for your lovely listeners? Because that's infuriating. It's infuriating. But there's only one way to beat a smear. How? You don't engage. You don't engage. You're above it. Lights out. You're above the smear. So this is my advice to her is take a couple of Xannies, blackout. You know what I mean? Just like...

Because you can't write anything back on social media when you actually don't have a pulse. Right. And also like those people that love you and are closest to you around you like know what's good. Who cares what everyone else thinks about.

I, first of all, being around negative people is really truly an energy suck. And like, you know, there are glass half full, glass half empty. And I have to choose joy. Like, I'm a very joyful person and nothing drains me more. Nothing lowers my love tank than when I'm around somebody who's constantly negative. And you know what to this I'm going to prescribe really and truly? Reputation by Taylor Swift. Oh, yeah. Because-

Everyone's talking about Taylor Swift. It's all about her reputation, but she focuses on those that love her and those that know her, and that's what matters at the end of the day. Okay, great. So I'm still saying join a fight club. Oh my God. Jake, I need a prescription. My sister-in-law might actually be the worst human on the entire planet. Okay.

Everything she says is so backhanded and rude and is most definitely not a girl's girl. She has been married to my husband's brother for four years, so I figure there's no way to get rid of her. How can I coexist with her forever? I'm going to let this. Okay. I love my sister-in-law, so I'm lucky on that one, but the rest of the fam, not big fans of me. Okay. You know what? My favorite word's about to come up. Okay. This is what you do.

You're going to kill this bitch with so much kindness. It's going to be hard to do. It's going to make you not feel great. I need you to, I'm prescribing, I'm prescribing like sweet treats. I'm prescribing like an edible arrangement. Okay? And I want you to start gifting her.

I want, if you can afford it, like get like a Goyard bag. Like I want you to. She has a great one. She has a great one. Yeah. I want you to double down so hard. No matter how cunty this girl is, you're like, I'm going to win you over, bitch. Yeah. Okay. And then you call the authorities and say, she stole all your things. Yeah.

And then you report her for theft. Okay? So you act like it's gifts, but you only let her open the gift in front of you. Right? So there's no other witnesses. What if she has it on the table and you're like, oh, wait, you can just take that, by the way. You can take that. Just take that. So there's no recording of it. There's no, like, I was giving you...

this. Exactly. Just take that. Just take it. Then you blackmail her and then you call the authorities and you get her arrested and then you no longer have to deal with it. And then you get ring footage if you can have a ring. You have ring footage of her leaving the house each time with more and more stuff. Exactly. And then it's like how did you not notice? It's like I'm so busy. I'm so busy. I'm booked and busy. You didn't know and then when the cops show up they're like yeah all this stuff's in her closet and she's like you said it was a gift. I'm like my word against yours. No you're with

Thief. Check the ring footage. And then she's locked up for at least like probably 18 months. 18 months for sure. And then you can chill. And then that's enough time to get the brother into therapy to be like, you need to get rid of this bitch. Yeah, he's going to be like, okay, I'm not down. Because men are horny. He's going to find someone else. Guys are so horny. They won't figure it out. They're the worst. And imagine gay men. Oh my God. I mean, that's 15 minutes. It's 15 minutes I've never seen anything like it in my life. I told my husband that, God forbid something were to happen to me.

knock on wood, he has to wait at least a year to have sex with somebody, like one of my fans. And I don't even like to say fans like that, but the girls who come, they're invested in my family, they love Jeff, but you have to wait at least one year to have sex with somebody because think about it.

They're going to be so upset I'm gone. I'm an icon. I'm just such a fun gal. These women are going to be so distraught. Then they're going to feel bad for Jeff because he's going to be distraught. They're going to want to take care of him. One year. Nine months, he can get a hand job or a blow job. But then one year, he can actually fornicate. 100%. Fornicate. I prescribe for this, I think, the movie Do Revenge on Netflix. Yes.

I haven't seen that. It's amazing. Okay. And that kind of goes to the revenge you were talking about. I prescribed then episodes of Law and Order SVU. My favorite show ever. Ever. Ever. It's my comfort show. Same. Can we open that door? It's a little hot in here. Yeah, I'm melting. I'm melting. Oh, do you feel that? I don't, but it's going to waft in a minute. Oh my God, how excited are you? We had to get a cool breeze in here because honestly, this content's too hot.

It's too hot. I'm like, no, you don't understand. That Facebook conversation made me horny. Yeah, same. I just remember... Oh my God, do you feel this?

Wait, I'm feeling it right here. Are you being on your pussy or right here on your feet? I feel it like in my like hands a little bit at first and my feet. Hold on, I'm just going to air it out real quick. Let me just get, oh, oh yeah. Oh, that feels nice. Oh my God, it feels so good. That feels nice. This was the best decision we made the entire podcast. We really did. Can I lean back a little bit and really get comfy? Get comfortable. Oh my God. What can I tell you? I recorded an episode of my podcast the other day in a chair. Oh my God.

I literally look like I need to be medevaced somewhere and they are dragging me. The gals are like, sit up, Heather, have posture. I'm like, you don't know how hard I work. Fucking boundaries, bitches. Boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. But please continue to listen to the podcast. Yeah. Ugh.

This is great. I really love doing this. This is fun. I'm having a great fucking time. I literally love you. This is great. I love you. I like want to hang out outside of this. Yeah, do you have wine? I might need a glass of wine in a minute. Do you want to get a Coke? Also, I'm kidding. I don't need it. No, no, no. I don't need it. I got to drive. I crossed down. I hopped into my car this morning and my dad's phone was connected to Bluetooth. Fuck. Oh my God. Porn. I feel like it's going porny. Porn was playing. It was 7 a.m. Let's go. Let's go.

And I was listening to the porn my dad was watching God knows when. I'm traumatized for life, I think.

I have like full body chills. This happened to me. No. And my buddy on tour, my buddy, I won't say which one, but it was like 7 a.m. Like early, we're like flying to a new city. He plugged in his phone to get the directions and it was just like, uh, uh, uh. But I'm like, I just travel with dudes. So they're like, guys, fucking lock it up. But there's nothing worse. 7 a.m. 7 a.m. It's early to jerk it. And you're done. That's early. Oh my God.

Who has that kind of energy that early to be horny? That's crazy to me. Yeah. To me, that's crazy. I, that's why, I mean, granted, I've never really like been a really super sexual person, but that's why I could never understand morning sex. Let's unpack that. Yeah. Like I realized I've never like fucked.

Like, I'm just going to be graphic here. Like, I realized, like, I was telling my friends the other day, like, I was like, the time I lost my virginity, my friend's boyfriend looks at me, he goes, Jake, have you, like, ever, like, had sex? And I'm like, yeah, what the fuck are you talking about? I've had sex. He's like, Jake, have you ever, like, you know, been fucked? Yeah. And I was like, oh, my God. No. No. Okay. And I'm like, I can make this happen. Yeah, please. Please. Please. Please.

Please, you don't understand. I just need someone and something. That's what you're going to be saying. Please more. Okay. All right. And I realized that I went back to my room and I wrote five pages of a script because I was like, I need to process this somehow. Process that. Do you think you're asexual? Good.

No. Yeah. So you're horny for the dong? The dick, yeah. Horny for the dick. But you just haven't had a really positive sexual experience. Not yet. So I don't... Let's not say that, like, you're not sexual. I just think you haven't had somebody to, like, throw you up against the wall and just slap that pussy. You know what I mean? And I'm, like, so... But I'm, like, so, like...

I'm so sorry. I'm looking into the camera. I apologize for everything. I know what you're saying. I wasn't even taken aback by that. Everyone's like, so taken aback. Yeah, no, I haven't. I am a sexual person. I enjoy sex. You know what's really annoying? What?

I'm just, I get annoyed. Another thing I get the therapist about. I get annoyed being a married person where everybody has to act like, like we're not supposed to enjoy our spouses. Right. Like, yes, a lot of my humor is the annoying things that my husband does. Right. That's just like observational shit. Right. But the fact like, I still get hot and horny for my husband. Right. And people find that like odd.

You know what I mean? Right. And I'm like, are you not supposed to enjoy the person that you just chosen to spend your life with? Like, yeah, we're not the seven year itch, but we've been together 13 years in maybe checking in six months. I might be jerking off. What's his birthday? Uh, he is a, uh, Virgo.

Wow. Yeah. Pisces and Virgo. But it's good. I don't know what I'm saying. He's a spreadsheet guy. So he's like a little bit like Rain Man. Like he's dialed in and like keeps the finances and make sure. And then I'm like fun. I make him fun. I'm like, we're having fun. Aren't we? That's so, oh my God. Yeah. What question? Oh, the porn and the dad. Oh God. How do you get past that? Like I would kill myself. Okay. Like I would kill myself. No. No.

don't know why and I had like a really kind of like healthy upbringing but I always knew when my parents were getting freaky and in a weird way it kind of like

I kind of was like rooting for them. Really? Is that weird? No, I didn't want to ever see it. Of course not. I don't have somewhere like Oedipus complex, but my parents, I always knew that they had sex on like Saturday mornings cause they'd both come down and matching bathrobes. Yeah. Or if I came home, I'd be at football games on a Friday night and I'd come home. If I came home early from the game, I'd hear Michael Buble playing on their Sonos upstairs. And then I'd hear the jacuzzi jet from their bedroom. And I was like, you go mom and dad. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Yeah.

Friday night football. You got to experience Friday night lights in real life. Really? And in Georgia. What was, oh my God. What was it like? It was incredible. It was unbelievable. Would you pregame before the game? No, no, no, no. Okay. Okay. Hold on. Give me the, it is game day. What are you doing? All right. Well, I used to cheerlead and then I got to like, sophomore year cheerleading somehow wasn't cool. Like, I don't know what happened. Like overnight, it wasn't cool. So quit that. But that was cool. Cause then we could like go to after parties.

I went to a very intense private school, so you could not get in trouble for drinking. You did not. You actually showed up and showed school spirit. You did not drink till after. And then you go to like a rager at somebody's house and do skinny dipping and all the fun. It was the best, honestly, core memory of my life. Like walking into that stadium. I love a marching band. I want two things at my funeral. I want a marching band and a steel drum band. Okay. Red wine make you feel so fine. That's what I want.

So I really connect to that kind of atmosphere. That's my thing. I like to build an atmosphere. I like a theme. So we're going dialed in like Miss Americana. I want to feel the Friday night lights on my face. I want to be in whatever this team's colors are. I want to have a hot dog in one hand. And honestly, something a little virginal like a Sprite. I want to be in there. Right. You know, my dad used to never let me have the New York hot dogs off the cart on the street. Well, that's good. Is he a gastroenterologist? No, he told me it would give me hepatitis. Isn't that random? Yeah.

Oh, is he an insort of any? No, he's just a hypochondriac. Okay. Well, I don't know. Hepatitis from a hot dog. I feel like that's not right. Severe acid reflux. Yes. But hepatitis, that seems a little extreme. Yeah. I was like hepatitis. My mom would always let me have it. I can't tell you. I don't actually really know a lot about hepatitis. Nothing. I know nothing about it. I remember seeing commercials. Do people get hepatitis? Yes. I think you can. I think you can get it from blood and maybe street dogs. Yeah. Like.

Dude, then I should have hepatitis, okay? What is hepatitis? Does anyone even know? Is it a blood thing? Okay. God. But yet again, Julius Caesar, that was real. That was real. Hepatitis, maybe not. But I prescribe for this girl who listened to her dad watching porn. I prescribe... Oh, yeah, back to her. Okay. I prescribe her Friday Night Lights. I really love that. I prescribe her...

Um, I prescribe her some sort of like earplugs and an eye mask at, I know I used to prescribe her the ketamine therapy. Right. She's got, that's a, that's a memory. You got to flush out. Yeah. You got to get rid of that. You have to. Maybe ayahuasca. Yeah. Okay. I'm actually prescribing people like fighting and drugs. And you're like, let her listen to, let her watch Friday night lights. Join a fight club and inject heroin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But you know what? It's kind of, listen, what's her name? Does it say on the thing? I don't think she was willing to. Lisa. Yeah. You should, you're dead. You got to remember our parents were our age at one point. Right. I saw this thing on Instagram the other day that was like, this guy was so great. And I can't remember who the creator was. But he was like, I'm like so upset right now. Like my mom is a little bitty baby. Like at one point she was like a little girl and I want to make him cry. And that's how I feel about my mom. I'm like, you're just a little,

thing. Yes, you're 76, but you're like, you're a baby girl. I know. It's sad. It's sad to think about. We gotta be nicer to our parents. We do. I mean, my dad's that, and I miss him. Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, it's so weird.

No, I do miss him, but I was like buzzed with my dad and I'm thinking like, okay, so if I could bring my dad back, but I had to like know what kind of porn he was into. All right. So bad. Yeah. So true. That's so true. Oh my God. That's excellent perspective, Heather. Yeah. They're just, they're allowed to be sexual too. I prescribe whatever Heather just said. Thank you. I'm so sorry. I brought up my dead father into this conversation. I'm so sorry.

Okay, this is a great, great, great question. Nolan, you are on fire today. Yeah. No, you're going to... I did an open mic in a gay bar and flopped hard. So hard that my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he said he got too embarrassed. Should I try to get him back? I'm going to leave this one to you. Okay. No. And I'll tell you why. Now, there's two parts to this. It'd be one thing if, like,

Maybe the boyfriend was the subject of the standup and some like savage things were said that you can't take back because sometimes people, when they first started on standup, they just try and say shocking things, but it doesn't actually help the joke. Right. So I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt that he didn't do that. But no, I mean, listen, you're going to have bad nights. I mean, what does this guy work in a fucking bank?

He's probably like switched up people's accounts before. So let's give a little grace. No, be done with the guy. Absolutely. Bye. See ya. That's crazy that he broke up with him over a bat. That's like my number one fear. And if he doesn't like you at your lowest moment, you don't want him there when you're receiving an Emmy. Right? What? So yes. Click, click, click, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap. That we prescribe that. That.

Yeah, we prescribe go fucking win an Emmy. Get an EGOT. And you know what? I think that's what we'll end on. Heather, what did we learn today? I learned that I'm going to go spend hours going down the Facebook rabbit hole. Yes. Please report back to me on what you find. And I think I'm going to go order a hot dog because mama's hungry. Yeah. What did you learn today? I learned not to party on the road. Yep.

I remember that. I learned that Julius Caesar was indeed real. Yes, he was. And I have learned that

I actually, this was a little tidbit you gave me just now that I loved. Saying shocking things on stage just for shocks isn't always funny. It's not always funny. Be smart. Think at the top of your intelligence. Well, Heather. You got it. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. This is great. I love you. I love you too. I love you. And hey, come on the road whenever. When I'm back on the road, I'm going to come see your show. You come see me. Please. I would love to. Would you want to give a little bye, pussies? Bye, pussies. Bye, pussies. Don't be a pussy, but be a pussy. Bye. Bye.

Hi, pussies. Put your tents up. Put your tents up. Tents up. Smart cookies.