Session 10: Brooke and Connor
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Hi, pussies, and welcome back to Therapist. We have an amazing episode today with Brooke, Avrick, and Connor Wood. You also might know him as Fibula. They have their podcast, Brooke and Connor Make a Podcast, and Brooke recently launched her new podcast, Obsessed, which you might have seen me on. And Connor is on his nationwide stand-up tour, which is amazing, and I'm so excited to see it. So I'm filming this intro. It's Monday right now, and I'm going to be doing a little bit of a stand-up tour.

I'm going to New York tonight and I'm lining up my dates for New York because as you pussies know, I don't go on dates in LA, but as sure as fuck go on them in New York. Or at least try to. If you remember last time I went on that date with the guy who told me it wasn't a date. So that was a fucking bust. But I have this, I have two really cute guys that I've asked to get drinks on the same night. So I'm just trying to maneuver that. Actually, by the time this airs, I will have gotten drinks with one of them.

So I'll tell you in the chat, actually, if you're watching this right now, what if we call them man one and man two? Okay. So I'm leaning towards going on the date with man one, like highly, like I'm going to go on the date with man one as opposed to man two, because I think man two is available on other nights. Okay.

But I'm really excited. I actually really hope that Manwa doesn't watch this if we go on a date. But yeah, I'm super excited. We had great banter last night. I had all my friends help me with my responses. I had Brett help me a lot because she's the hinge queen. She's like really, really good at hinge. She's in a relationship now, so she's retired, but she's sick at hinge. Hello? No, oh my God. No, I thought our session was May 1st.

Fuck. Okay. Okay. I'll be right there. I'll be right there. Okay, Irvine. Tell me what's wrong.

Whoa, what a glitch that was. But yes, tickets to my first Therapist live show in Irvine, California are live now. Ticket link is in my bio. I'm so fucking nervous. I could puke. Please come. I'm so excited. I love you, pussies. Enjoy the episode. Hi, pussies. Hi, pussies. Hi, pussies. Hi, pussies. And welcome back to Therapist today.

Today, we have the incredible Brooke and Connor here in the therapist's office. Hi, Brooke. Hi, Connor. Hi, Jake. Hi, Puss Pop. Tense up. Tense up. It's great seeing you in action. It's like an artist at the easel. You think? I really do. That really made me feel better. Sometimes all I need is a good compliment. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm happy to give you them whenever you need it. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's your star sign? Gemini. Wait. Don't frown. Okay. I have a Gemini rising and a Gemini rising. Okay. And I'm a Scorpio sun. Okay. Are you a Leo? Virgo. Damn. Yeah. I totally see that. Is he controlling? I have to start lying about that because it never...

say you're controlling. I would say you like control. So he's a Virgo. Yeah, I guess that's true. Yeah. Well, how's your guys day going? Oh, Jake, we just we touched on this for a second. Tell me how we are recording. I know, but I know. We saved it for the day. I like your mustache. Thanks. I shaved it. I also really like it. Oh, let's go, you guys. Thank you. I was going to say

Never have I ever really had, like, kept a mustache, especially for someone else's podcast, because a lot of people are going to be like, that's disgusting. Why? What are you thinking? Because there's six hairs. This is like a week and a half. Yeah. Yeah. Are you Christian? There's more than six. Are you Christian? I'm religious. No, like. You're religious? Like, your blood. Like, are you Christian blood? Like, was I raised Christian? You're not Jewish. You're not. Oh. I don't know. Because I usually find Christians have a harder time growing hair.

Yeah. Let's dive in. Let's dive into that. Well said. Why do you think that is? Because Jews, like myself, we're so hairy. And then I was always so jealous. I grew up in a pretty Christian town, and people used to ask me to raise my arm as if I was asking a question. And I'd be like, oh my God, why? Because I was the first fucker with armpit hair. I was too. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so embarrassing. You'll never know that pain. No, I won't. But I'll know the pain of everyone getting to shave and me being like, I guess I should

Try to shave. Are you, like, Irish? Or, like, what's the vibe? No, I don't really know. But look at my... Jake, look at my eyebrows. Like, I don't even have eyebrows. I think it goes beyond being a non-Jewish. A non-Jewish person. Yeah, you... Yeah. But you have luscious locks. You do. Oh.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. No, I had to think about that for a second. I was like, like, lush ass locks. Like, your hair is a great asset. Thank you. Of course. Yeah. I have super hairy legs. Oh, I have the most hairy legs. Well, actually, I was, I was, wait, they're not good right now. And I was going to say, they're not, no, no, no, no, no. They're, they're very prickly. Before I learned that, like, women aren't supposed to have body hair. So,

which is wrong, and that's part of the reason I'm sporting some leg hair today. It's not at all that I'm too lazy to shave. I used to show my leg hair to boys and be like, look how hairy my legs are. Yeah. Like, how cool. Oh, that was a thing. But yeah, no, my legs are so hairy. Isn't that crazy? Anywho. Is this me flirting with Conor?

Oh, shit. That shouldn't make you uncomfortable. It doesn't. It did. It did make you uncomfortable. No, I just was going to say that you have more hair than me. Yeah, I know. I'm very hairy. She ate. She kind of left no crumbs right there. No, I'm never leaving crumbs. Well, pussies, if you don't know, tomorrow is Valentine's Day. We're recording this prior to Valentine's Day. So what do you guys mean for Valentine's Day?

Well, it's funny you say that. I was going to make a TikTok about this. Wow. You know what happened to me earlier. Oh, yeah. That was funny. Tell it. So I was getting into my car earlier, and it's been a while since I got a parking ticket. I usually just, like, factor that into my rent. Yeah. And I'm like... Yeah. It's just like, I'm going to get one, so...

No harm, no foul. Right. It's been a while since I've gotten one. Yeah. And I do feel insane. Just like your Instagram story today, I was like, I do feel kind of like weirdly not in control, but I'm going to lean into it. So out of control. I saw the parking ticket. I go, let me go grab that and make sure I don't get another one or towed. And I get close. I'm like, that's not a parking ticket at all. It's a note. And I was like, oh, what did I do wrong? So I'm always doing something parking wise. I pick it up. It was the opposite of a parking ticket. Was it a love letter? Kind of. It was an invitation to a neighborhood orgy.

word for word subject line neighborhood orgy do you have it with you it's in my car I should have brought it in I memorized it don't worry it said used to do these all the time in San Francisco made a lot of friends even more memories if you're interested text me name and number and then my favorite part of the whole message and this is why copywriting is so important they said looking for locals only but open to outsiders as well as insiders wink face ha

So I think I might. I might. You should. I think you should. You should vlog it. I mean, tomorrow. No one's doing it that way. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I'm sure they're going to have a rendezvous. I just want to hear about it. So like, I think you should do it. I think so too. And you should vlog it because that's something that other influencers aren't doing. I'll wear a GoPro on my head. Wait, you should absolutely do that. I'll J Alvarez style vlog it. Yeah. Yes. Where were you when he dropped those vlogs? Because I was in middle school, like pinching my rolls.

I was on like a different side of the internet. What do you mean pinching your rolls? Is that like a figure of speech? Like my rolls on my stomach. Like I would pinch them as I watched the Jay Alvarez. Because you wanted them gone. I wanted them away. Yeah. Oh. The other day I was like to someone I worked out with. I was like, it was my trainer. And I was like, oh, like how do I get rid of this? And I forgot that trainers like don't lie to you. And he was like, yeah, that like that's alcohol. Instead of like, that's not there.

I love when people lie to me. Yeah. They're like, please lie to me. Yeah. That's why I like L.A. better. Yeah. Because we live in a city of liars. Yes. Yeah. I love it. Where are you from? Colorado? Texas. That's where the Christianity thing came in. I was like, I could just, I'll tell you, it was probably the same thing with you. It was like you grew up in that area with all those people. Wait, so we never got, are you Christian?

It's like just me being an individual right now. I just like keep such an open mind. What are your parents? They're Christian, yeah. Yeah. So what was my question? I was raised Christian. I feel like with my friends that are Jewish, it's like you're always Jewish. You're not like, oh, I'm Jewish, but I just don't go to church. With Christians, like, oh, I just haven't gone to church in a while. Like, yeah, it's a lifestyle.

You're confusing me. I'm confused too because I didn't want to say like my Jewish friends don't go to – what do you go to? Synagogue? Temple? Yeah, sure. Synagogue. I have no clue what's going on. That was really funny. Well, it's like you are always Jewish. Right. But like a Christian person that moves out of Texas to like LA is usually, no, I'm not anything anymore. That's not how it works.

I'm lost too. Let's move past it. I think you're still a Christian even though you don't live in Texas. Yeah. No, I didn't. You don't have to like pray. Where are you from? Philly. Away. Do you love it? A little. Not really. Right. Yeah. My manager is from Philly. Oh. Do you know where from? No. But I know that he loves Jason Kelsey. Okay. And he loves the Eagles. Do you know Matt? Yes. Go Eagles. Matt? Matt?

Yes, Matt is from Philly. Yes, as well. One thing about people from Philly. They'll let you know. Yeah, they will. They will. There's so many people from Philly. How big is Philly? Huge. The thing about Philly is that like people from Philly feel a lot of Philly pride. I feel like I missed the boat. Like I don't really care that I'm from Philly. You want to know why I think they feel Philly pride? Why? Because wasn't Philly like, isn't that where the Liberty Bell is? Yeah. That's where like everything went down.

The Liberty Bell. It's one of the 13 colonies. Exactly. So they're like, we'll let you know. We're OGs. We're going to remind you. Yeah. Like we've been here. Yeah. It's like when you used to like transfer, did any of you like transfer schools from middle school or whatever? No, but I told everyone I was. And all the,

All the OGs or the lifers, the lifers, like they wouldn't let you fucking forget it. Oh my God. That's a good point. Thank you. Yeah. Like born and bred. I feel like New York people are like that too. Like if they were born and bred. It's another one of the 13 colonies. Sheesh. It all goes back to the OG 13. Maybe it's just like a Northeast thing. It's just a great, it's intense. Yeah. I really can't believe you're from Texas. Yeah. It's many forget.

Do you forget? Yeah. Would you ever move back? Oh, no. Really? Where in Texas did you grow up? Houston, mostly. Yeah. Yeah, exactly like Beyonce. How do you feel about, well, since you're from Texas. Oh, Jake, I like pulled that up because I was so curious. I was like, how is Beyonce going to do country? She ate it up. Like with ease? Yeah, with ease. Yeah. I was about to say, how are you feeling about like country coming back?

You strike me as a country guy. Welcome, everybody. I love country. Like in the back of all my TikToks that I film in the car, it's like country music in the background. So I just like hear a lot of it. But I've never like sought it out. Beyonce, I'm like, okay, she's bringing it. And who else? Like Lana Del Rey. Lana Del Rey, Lasso. Lasso. That was the name of her song. Album. See, I'm loving it because it's like,

Country kind of moved away from country. And then other people moved towards country. Like Diplo started wearing cowboy gear and making songs. Like Lil Nas X was like cowboy for a while. But the actual country people were like moving away. Like Taylor Swift went into pop. Right. Like who are the other people that went into pop? Shania Twain. Shania Twain, pop. I'm trying to think of any guys that went into pop. Not many. Blake Shelton.

I don't know anything he sings, though. He just went ahead. Not a song. Not a song. Not a song. But he's married to Gwen. And everyone knows his name. He is married to Gwen Stefani, right? Yeah. Yeah. Blake Shelton. Can't think of one. One song. Can you? He's a judge on American Idol. But he's a singer as well. Not to me. To me, Blake Shelton is a judge on American Idol. Right. But the only way he got there is through his singing. Right. Which I've never heard. Never. Never.

What does Simon Cowell do? Like, how did he get in the American Idol chair? I actually don't know. He doesn't sing. No. Except for, remember the end of Shrek? I think he does, I think he does shrink. He does, he did. Did he? At one point he did. Or is he, does he just manage people? Or record labels or whatever? Maybe that. But he like created One Direction. Yeah. So he wins.

Did Simon Cowell ever sing? Cowell hasn't released any albums as a recording artist. Right. Yeah. I used to have the biggest crush on him. I did too. Yeah. There's some. Yes. I was like a big like early days of American Idol. I feel like we're really similar. I think so too. I like have always thought that. I've watched you for forever and ever. Like since 2020. Oh Jake. And I've always felt like we were similar. And like this is just solidifying it more. I feel that way too. Do you want to sit on.

You want to sit next to her? No, I like to be able to look at him. Yeah. And just kind of have that soul connection. I also was in love with a lot of the early American Idol contestants. Like David Archuleta? For example, David Archuleta. Clay Aiken. Clay Aiken. Who else was there? I loved the... Kelly Clarkson. Elliot Yamin. No. I love that. I love that group of young men. He played the guitar, but he was a rapper, but he was also a rocker too. He was second place to Jordan Sparks.

Do you know who I'm talking about? I know you know who I'm talking about. He was so hot. No. I don't know anyone from... Oh, um...

I also thought Daughtry was hot. I was about to say Daughtry. I thought, and I thought whoever Kelly Clarkson, who was she like competing with? Justin Grambino. Yeah, he was hot as well. Yeah. And what did that movie they made? Justin and Kelly, like go to. Justin and Kelly. They did something. Oh my God, a moment like this. Yeah. Fuck. They will never make an American Idol. I'm really shocked at like how you guys are able to pull stuff like that out. I was raised by the TV. Formative. Formative. Yeah. Did you have unlimited screen time? Unlimited.

Unlimited. Unlimited. Unlimited. My parents were like, go. Go. We don't want anything to do with you. I think it's helped us out. I do too. I feel great. Do you have OCD? Yes. Do you? Yes. Are you on something for it? Yeah. I'm on a few, a few things. Prozac? No, right now I'm doing Zoloft. Okay. But that was after taking myself off of. Prozac. Cymbalta. Okay. After taking myself off of Lexapro. Cause I convinced myself like, oh,

Oh, I'm fine, actually. Yeah, you're not. And then I'll go off, and it turns out the only reason I was fine is because I was heavily drugged up. Yeah, and you know what that reminds me of? What? Obviously, you watch Girls, right? I have watched the first two seasons. So when Hannah has the OCD meltdown because she doesn't take her meds because she needs to write her book. Yes. I've seen that part. I need to get back into watching it. Yeah. What was your favorite show growing up? Growing up? Yeah. Oh, wait, I didn't say mine. SpongeBob, probably. But I was just saying, like, you guys, I was pretty jealous of the memory that you guys are pulling this stuff out because, like, I don't even remember...

Like four years ago. Did you watch like Disney, Suite Life, Hannah Montana? At least you guys remember some TV. Right. I know that I was outside. You were probably outside playing a lot. I didn't participate in that. Yeah, but like how come I. We weren't outside. So I remember everything. Me and Brooke talk about this a lot, but like do you ever make up memories? All the time. Like who was that person? That doesn't mean they're not real. If they're real to you. They're real. They're real enough. Yeah. And I have some memories like ingrained in me that I wish I didn't. Like what?

Like, one time, me and my friend looked up naked people on YouTube. Just naked people? Yes. Like, what am I supposed to do? I was, like, in first, second grade. I'm not... I'm in bed, going about, like, playing my Pokemon. And all of a sudden, my dad knocks on my door, and he's like, Jake, like, Blank's parents are here. And I'm like, what? It was so fucking awkward. Like, that's a memory I wish I didn't have. You looked up naked people... Like, kissing. That's, like...

A good memory, though, because, you know, when you're a parent, you'll handle it the exact opposite way. Right. I'll be like, wait, it's so fine. And your kid maybe won't need all the meds that we're on. What you're going to want to type in is this. We actually, I remember, I have that same kind of memory where me and all my friends got on this, like, online game called IMVU. Of course I know IMVU. Oh, I don't know IMVU. IMVU. Yes. And, like, we were all...

Nick and our characters fuck each other and it was like I wasn't fucking is it like Sims it's a lot like Sims except I don't for some reason you've never had I am sexual did you ever do like Moshi monsters no I went on Omegle a lot okay see that's it was actually pretty dark that's where things take a turn there's not even like a fake animated facade it's like that is a gray dick

Yeah, you want to hear the darkest part, actually, of my Omegle journey? Yeah. Me and my friends would ask people to rank us from prettiest to ugliest. Over and over and over again. Self-sabotage. And I always got ugliest. No! Yeah, yeah. And I would literally be like, just keep going until I got, like, at least, like, second. Or third. Just not ugliest. And we were doing it all night until I got, like, second ugliest or something. Which was sweet. That is nice. Yeah. Oh, man.

That's one of my formative memories. My most formative memory is when I Googled gay porn and had a virus attack my parents' computer, so they had to come to me, tell me that they actually didn't have a problem with what I was Googling and that they were so supportive, but that I couldn't look up porn on their computer anymore. Okay, so gay porn was fine, just like no porn in general. Yeah, because it gave their computer a major virus. We're doing no viruses right now. Yeah, that's sweet. Can we talk about PCs used to get viruses like no other.

I'm confused, too. Is the whole thing with Apple is that they don't get viruses? That was the first thing about it was like, no more viruses. And they fucking lived up to that promise. I feel like I have gotten. They did. They did. They lived up to that promise. I think a lot of people, too, like, I feel like your followers specifically are probably really Gen Z. So they probably don't understand there was a computer room. I don't think you might. Oh, I remember the computer room. There's a computer room. So, like, you're looking up gay porn. That's.

In your computer. What happens in the computer room stays in the computer room. And I didn't always know how to clear the history. It was confusing. That was advanced. It was confusing. It was confusing. Your tubes were tied. You had to just leave it there. Did you ever use the computer at the local library? No. I don't think I could access my local library for whatever reason. You didn't have a library card? I used to memorize my library card. Oh, that's nice. Aw, Jake, that's cute. That's why I have such good memories. What were you saying? Nothing of importance.

You didn't go to the library? Everything was just really spread out in Texas, so it wasn't like I could go to the library. Like, it was 30 minutes away. Really? Yeah. In all of Texas? Everything's like that? No, I would just like where I lived.

Damn, Connor. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay. I made it with zero memories of it, but used to love the library and the Scholastic Book Fair and the Scholastic Youth Book Fair. Oh my God, the Scholastic Book Fair. We're outspoken about the Scholastic BF. We need a candle. Smells like Scholastic Book Fair. Yes. I need something to bring me back. The smell. Mm-hmm.

I don't know if they did one for adults. Like, would it be, would it feel the same? No, it wouldn't. You know, I got my first CD ever there. It was kind of broken, but it was Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson. Did you know the song Because of You is about her parents' divorce? Of course. I found that out recently. It's about her dad. Found that out recently and it like completely altered. She's a life-changing human. She's life-changing. She's life-changing. And I didn't, and I took her for granted. Nope. And I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm never going to do that again. What is she doing right now? Singing. The Kelly Clarkson song.

Clarkson show as well. Kelly Clarkson show. That was rude of me to even say that. No, it's okay. It's okay. It has its niche. Yeah. Is it huge? It's huge. Yeah. I think so. You want to know what makes it so big? She sings a little bit at the end each time. She should. And she covers songs and it's like infamous that if Kelly Clarkson covers your song, it's going to be better than hers. Right.

Yeah, that hurts to hear, but it's true. Oh, my God, you guys, I'm having so much fun. I forgot to even get into our first segment, therapist. Therapist. Yes, therapist. I'm a therapist. I want to give a tip before you go into that. You're way better at having guests than we are. Oh, my God, it's insane. Wait, really? Yeah. Don't ask any questions. Me and Brooke, if you are a guest, which hopefully. Yeah, well, we have a date locked in.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, me and Brooke will start getting in an argument and then just fully turn towards each other and then we'll be like, oh, shit. Yeah. So where are you from? Right. Right. You're very talented. Thank you. I think you two are very talented as well. You were born to podcast us. What are you doing? I gotta get comfortable.

That's okay. I respect that. Are you comfy? Okay. Yeah. Do I look okay? Oh my God, you guys. Before we get into therapists, I bought in a $1,000 octopus. I saw that. It's the jelly cat, right? Do you want me to go get it? Please. Please, I'm begging. Okay. I have recently developed a jelly cat addiction and need to go to the jelly cat diner. Wait, is it? Okay. What do you want to talk about?

Like, Jake having this awesome studio. It is real pretty. I do feel like me and you are breathing so close to each other. Are you feeling a little bit lightheaded? Mm-mm. Right about to pass out. Like, faint type thing. No one get up all at once. I'll be totally fine. No one stress. Holy moly. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jake. Jake.

So that was 1,000 USD flat? Well, it was 800 plus tax. Okay. And you know how that was. Wow. Oh, my God. Okay, so this is actually great. Connor, these are the jelly cats. This is not a typical jelly cat, but. Wow, Jake. So his name is Neville Pappapuss. Yeah. Neville Pappapuss.

Yes, right? It's cute, huh? It's adorable. He's very handsome. Wow. Wow. I guess I actually didn't even realize. This is Passandra. I was crying when you first introduced Passandra. This is Passandra. Hi, Passandra. You're looking beautiful. Oh, she says thank you. She's such a little bitch. I love. So you have Passandra, Neville Pusserman. I have Passandra.

Penelopus. Penelopus. Neville Pappapuss. Pappapuss, sorry. ETP, extraterrestrial puss. Okay. Puss-sheeran. I love puss-sheeran. Yeah, puss-sheeran. It's the orange? Who is this one? Oh, no. I think that's theropus. Oh, cool. Oh, theropus. Well, you're supposed to rate your day on a day from tenths up to tenths down because it's reversible. Oh, wait, okay. No, rate your day. I always forget to ask. It just reminded me.

Well, I guess we didn't even get into therapist. Sorry. Okay. No, no, no, no. I think, see, this is what we do. We get people off track and then forget to come back. Okay. Well, now that I'm back with Neville Popperpuss, MPP. Popperpuss. What were you guys pissed off about? Do you want to go? Yeah, I can go. Okay. I have so many things. I have a couple as well. I was really pissed this weekend. Okay. Like, so beyond pissed because I...

Me and my friend booked a little staycation. Where? At the one hotel. Love. Okay, well, Jake, I have bad news for you. Oh, no. Did not have a good experience. Wait, tell me everything. Well, it's beautiful, of course. Gorge. But it's very expensive. Okay. How much a night? It was like...

500 a night or something. What? I did not know that. But we were like ready to shell out because me and my friend Patrick, we were both in like a negative like anxiety, depression headspace. Right. And very much eating just like a self-care weekend and didn't want to rot in our own beds. So I figured let's just rot in a different bed at the one and like really treat ourselves.

It is gorgeous there. Yeah. But I will say there was no type of service and they were pretty unresponsive to us. Oh, that is my number one pet peeve. We asked housekeeping. A lack of urgency. We asked housekeeping to come and we were gone. They didn't. That's fine. Asked again. They didn't come again. So by the third time, were you like, I've asked twice? Yeah. We were a little bit firm just because of how much we were paying. Of course. And then also-

The TV wasn't working. Oh, so switch rooms. Yeah. And then they gave us, they said we could have one free movie. And then the credit they gave us didn't even cover parking for our troubles. So I was therapist. Yeah. Damn, I would have been fucking therapist too. I'm really, when I'm spending money, I get really...

Defensive. Yeah. Over my piece. But I also like I'm terrified of confrontation. Really? Terrified you're not? No. Wow. Good for you. I'm terrified of confrontation in relationships. In other senses. No. That's good. That's a good quality to have. It's also okay to be firm and not rude. Right. I have to remember that. Yeah. I always forget that. I always forget. Do you feel like. Is something funny?

Do you feel like you can be rude? Oh, absolutely. Yeah, see, I'm always scared of that. Without meaning to, though. Like, it's an accident. Like, it just... It's the New York in me. Yeah. Yeah. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's literally not your fault. Like, the other day, I...

We were this guy was just being an asshole like driving wise my friend was driving So I flipped him off because that's what I would do Of course and then we pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store And we were like sitting there on our phones for a second and this guy had come out right like he was like leaving as we Were going in but we were just like beefing and then like he comes back around the guy you flicked off Yes parks next to us and just looks And I'm like okay like this is super awkward and

And scary. And then he leaves. We're like, okay. Back around again, he comes and just stares at us. So I'm like, okay, good. We must leave. So we leave and he follows us out. And then follows us down the block. And then we make a turn and he stops. But that was like, okay, I can't be as aggressive and rude as I was in New York. It's scary. It sucks because in New York, you flick someone off, it doesn't hold the weight that it does here. No, not at all. Same thing with a horn. If I hear a car horn here, I'm like...

What the fuck is wrong with you? Right, me too. Really? But in New York, it's like background music. I feel like it's birds chirping. It's like nice almost. It's peaceful. No, when I'm like on my phone or picking my hair at a light and it turns green and I don't go and someone beeps at me because I'm not moving, it's like, excuse me, like I am busy. Mind your business. Mind your business. Like really? That gets me therapist. I just got this soup.

God forbid I take a bite at the stoplight. Like, I'm going to lose the split end I'm working on. Yeah. Oh, need to exercise patience. I also think that you should earn your right to a car horn. I think you need to earn it, and you should have it taken away. You don't get to use it willy-nilly. Right, no, I totally get that. It loses its meaning. I love using it. Yeah. But no one can use it on me. I actually don't even drive, honestly. Does it make you anxious? Yeah, I think I'll crash. I sometimes forget. My dad says I'll crash. Yeah. You want to hear something crazy? Yeah.

When my dad picks me up and it's just us two in the car, I still sit in the back seat. No. What's the reasoning behind that? I don't know. Have you guys, like, talked about it or it's just unspoken? Brooke, I'm surprised that's not – that seems like something you would love to do. Okay, Connor. Right? Like –

Yeah, I would like it in theory. Like, it must feel nice to kind of be. I was going to say that sounds kind of awesome. It makes me feel like a kid again for sure, but it's definitely like, it probably should have stopped when I was 11. He doesn't say anything about, you're like, oh, you're in the backseat? No, he's just up in the back and that's that. No, Jake, this is, I've been saying this a lot on our pod. Like, I'm loving like being like a baby. Yeah, I'm a baby. I am a baby. Like stuffed animals. Yeah. Like when I suck my weed pen at night, it's like my binky. You should get a bad chat. What?

What's that? A what? We'll go to my room after and I'll show you. So it is a hose and you put it under your bed, under the blankets. You turn it on, hot or cold air, and it blows up your covers and you're just laying under there. So after a shower, I lay under, put it on turbo, hot, and lay as hot air blows all over my body and drives me off. Oh my God, I've got to go turbo. Yeah, it's insane. Oh, okay.

- Yeah. - Oh. - It's the craziest thing. You can try it in my bed after this. - I have genuine like full body FBCs. - FBCs. - Oh, FBC, we say that. - I gotta get a turbo. What's it called? Turbo jet? - Bed jet. - Bed jet. - I'm gonna prepare you. - You need an affiliate link because I'm sold twice. - Yeah, I know. That's what I, I have been saying that. - Oh, I need that so bad. I don't want it hot though. I want it cold. - You can get it both. - You can get that from Bed Jet. - Wow. - You have control. Are you ready? The degrees from 50 degrees.

50 to 110. Is 110 safe? Yes. Have you done turbo? That's turbo. You can only do it. Well, actually, turbo is 114. What a way to go if that's how you went. By turbo mode of bed jet? Turbo automatically turns off after 10 minutes and you can't make it longer. So I turbo on, turbo on, turbo on, turbo on, turbo on. So you keep turbo on it? And as I have it on, are you ready for this?

fan blowing cold air at me outside, inside Toasty Oven.

Whoa. It's fucking life-changing. Kind of like a sensory deprivation tank. I was going to say, I could see me showing up to your house like, Brooke has been late for the pot. I'm going to go check on her in her house. And she looks like that one lady from Chocolate. I remember when they first invented chocolate. She's like a shrinky dink of herself in her bed. I love being cold in bed. Same. What do you sleep at? I sleep at 62. The AC? Oh, sorry. Yeah, I sleep at 62. Oh, I do 69. Whoa.

But fan blasting. That's hot. Yeah, it's real hot. Well, what are you a therapist about? I'm a therapist about a lot of stuff. Now that you brought up AC, when I moved into my apartment, that is not on my checklist. It's like, oh, I should check to see if I have AC in this apartment. That's not. Did not check. No, I just, I guess I'm a spoiled brat. That's something that you checked. I didn't even check because I haven't lived. No, I'm, believe me, like, I get it. But, like, that's not even a spoiled thing to check. Like, check your AC. I haven't.

I haven't had to check yet. So I just didn't think about it. So you don't have an AC. So I don't have AC. Window unit, that's what I had to do. Oh, so now I'm in my bed piece and I'm like, okay, this is horrible. I need to take two Benadryl. You take Benadryl too? Oh, I have to to pass out. I take it every night. Oh, no, you can't take it every night. Oh, okay. I don't know what happens. How about a melatonin gummy? I take those sometimes too. Nightmares. The last time I took a melatonin gummy.

Literally, this is going to sound like very traumatic, but I had a dream about Usher and he was evil Usher. I had a dream last night that is so inappropriate. Oh, tell us. Oh, no, no. Like, I actually can't publicly say it. After this podcast ends, I will tell you what my dream was about. But it was I haven't even told you about this yet. Usually I forget my dreams by midday. I have not forgotten this one. I hate those. The lingering feeling like you can still feel it. It was bad.

It was bad and it was really How do I put this politically incorrect So I like must share it after this podcast Oh I can't wait We have a lot of things to circle back on after the podcast But they're pissed about it because I kept this in mind Was I went because I'm waiting on some documents One for my dog Do you have a dog? Sorry we keep going on tangents Tangents are bread and butter But I have been waiting on one for my dog One for my back because I injured my back Skiing like three weeks ago

And I'm like, why haven't they come? And then I'm like, I don't even know where my mailbox is. Like, I should ask my landlord where my mailbox is. And we have one on the side, but I was like, oh, it must be for some other unit. She goes, oh, you know, I only have one key for the mailbox, so I would just suggest you don't send any important documents here. I'm like, where do I put, where do I send them? I'm sorry, who should I send my important documents to? You're so much better than me, because if that was me,

You would go New York. I think I'd threaten a lawsuit. That's, that's. Like, I think I'd, like, threaten legal action. You need Jake on your team. I know. Well, those are the things when, like, you know when you're in that situation with, like, something that's,

caught you so off guard one I can't I wish that one of my friends could just be there to be like I'm not making this stuff up that happens to me like this happens to me right and I wish that someone else would have been there so I could like talk about it and laugh but my initial thing when something absurd like that happens is like I need to tell one of my friends and like laugh about this oh but like the other thing is like so I don't apologize because I literally was like oh no biggie

Okay. That is a biggie. I wonder where those documents went. Like, that has my social security on it. Yeah, that part. Not that I would even know what to do if someone had it. You would call, what's that app? LifeLock? Life. Life. You're smarter than me. It's like, I don't even know what a social security number really does. Okay, a social security number? I don't really fully get it. Okay, so basically what a social security number does, and do you know what it does?

Okay, so tell me if I'm wrong. It's just your identity? It is like who you are. Like, it is like baby born robot number. Like, that is you. That is your identity. That's who you are. I feel like we don't keep it safe enough. We don't. And that's who you are. Like, that number, if anyone else has that, they can like commit crimes in your name. They can do everything in your name. I went to watch an episode of SVU where this person like committed like. This person. This person. We're on brand.

This young person. I'm addicted to this young puss. Oh, this one? Yeah. MPP? MPP has a really low voice and it's kind of weird at school. Is it pusserman? Never. I keep fucking it up. Papper puss. Papper puss. Because it's Papperman. So Papper puss. Papper puss. Yeah. Because it could have been pusserman. That's what I keep. That's very Jewish. I think Papper puss is funny.

I get how you've stayed so on brand with like the puss thing because I'm kind of like slipping in. I said in my head, I was like, need I puss on? Yeah. Need I go on? Need you puss on? It works for everything. How long were you pussing before TikTok? I started pussing when I was September of 2021. Oh, so it's kind of recent. Yeah. And I would just post photos of the octopus with like song lyrics and then I'd rate it out of eight. So like-

I'd like, you call me again, puss in your tent, like dash Billie Eilish. I would rate the octopus and then I would do like seven out of eight tentacles, whatever. And then someone was like, you should start making videos. And then I was like, okay, like da da da. And then like I came up with high pussies one day when I was really high. And then I started doing that. And then I came up with high pussies, hi Jake. And then I came up with tents up. Wow. And then I...

Brought it to TikTok in May of 2022. And then... And the rest is pustery. The rest is pustery. Yeah. Okay, so do you guys know about the Tell Me What's Wrong? Yes. You are going to be so good at the prescriptions. Really? I'm so excited. You are too, but she like... No, no. It's fine. I can just provide backup if needed. She's just like me, like a pop culture lockbox. Yeah, yeah. I actually feel like I'm worse at pop culture than you would think. Really? Yeah. Okay, we'll see. We'll see. Tell me what's wrong.

I went on a date last week and the conversation was flowing, but 30 minutes and he went to the bathroom and when he came back, he said he's going to call it a night. Wow. It's such a good thing. I saved my story for this one. I was home within the hour. Was he shitting his pants or does he hate you?

Oh, he could have been shitting his pants. Wait, I need, can you rewind really quick, really quick, really quick? I'm so sorry. I think I got confused. Okay. Do you want me to reread it? Can you? Of course. It's a thing about this room. No one understands. It's like, it goes over, it goes in one ear out the other. It's just because it means you're comfortable. Okay. Yeah. I do feel comfortable. Yeah.

I went on a date last week and the conversation was flowing. But 30 minutes in, he went to the bathroom and when he came back, he said he was going to call it a night. I was home within the hour. Was he shitting his pants or does he hate me? Oh, shitting his pants. I think he was shitting his pants. You know, at first I was going to like keep it real and I was going to be like, I don't know if he was feeling it because-

But that's because that's what I'm used to. So I can't project my negative experiences onto the pussies. I also think he was shitting his pants. I'm really curious how long he was in the restroom for. I think that's a crucial piece of data. Yeah, sometimes the pussies are leaving out data that would be important. But that's because the pussies are like me. So when something's happening, you're missing details. Right. You're just upset. Right. Yeah, and you're also, you want to be succinct enough. You need those key details. The time in the bathroom spent is key. Because sometimes with stomach aches,

You get an... You spend enough time and you're like, now I only have... The clock is ticking before... Oh, 100%. A second plane hits the tower. Yes. Yes. And I must leave. The second wave. The second wave hits my ass. I actually don't know what to prescribe for that. I would prescribe, I think...

I'm trying to think of a movie where they like shit their pants. Oh, there's Bridesmaids. Bridesmaids. Yes. There was also one other really good shit one. Along Came Polly. Oh, never seen it. That's a good one. That's a really good one. I love Ben Stiller. Oh, you've never seen Along Came Polly? No. Jake, Homework Tonight, please. Okay, I don't even know what that's about. That's a good toilet clogging one. Oh my God, that's a fun one to go into. It's Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston.

Could it get better? Let me leave it at that. It was the renaissance of rom-coms. Yeah, that's a great movie. Rom-coms are back. I don't know. Because of No Hard Feelings. No Hard Feelings. We actually have been outspoken about No Hard Feelings. Brooke more than I. That's like one of my favorite movies I think I've seen in the past 20 years. It's the best movie I have ever seen. Ever. Maneater changed my life. Maneater changed my life. I listened to it on Spotify. Do you know who I had on my podcast last week? Who? Andrew Barthelme. No, you didn't. I swear to God.

I swear to God, it didn't come out yet. Is he as lovely as he seems? He is literally the sweetest boy in the whole world. He literally ran that podcast. I was literally just staring at him drooling. What's next for him? He's so brilliant. I think we're going to see him on the Broadway stage. I could see that. Love that for him. Fingers crossed. Voice of an angel. So we prescribed for you the bridesmaids where they shit their pants and along came Pauly. And I also prescribed that for myself because I've never seen that.

Yeah. Oh, good job. Oh my God. I'm speaking so fast. My ribs hurt. Let it out.

No. Okay. I fell in love with my best friend's brother. Oh, sorry, not best friend. That is a big distinction. I fell in love with my friend's brother. Friend's brother. He's never talked to me before, and he's not a great person, but for some reason, I really like him. We are in a play together, and I have to see him every rehearsal. What do I do? I mean, I guess nothing if he's not into you back. Also, I think you answered your own question with the he's not a nice person.

That does not put... It's a speed bump, not a stop sign. Is that what you're saying? That's not even a speed bump. That's like go faster. Oh, like it entices you? Yes. Like I'm merging onto the highway. I understand that fully, but...

That being said. I'm flicking him off so he falls me into a parking lot. Maybe start practicing positive patterns early. Okay. What the hell was that? I don't know. I love that. I love that. I don't personally practice them. I personally don't practice them. But can't hurt to start early. Yeah. Maybe you'll end up differently. So, yeah. Yeah. I'd just be direct.

I like, you know, I like you. We have to see each other every day. It could also be this Ariana Grande thing where, like, she might only be, you know, you might only be attracted to this person because in the moment, your work crush, if you see them at a bar, you're like, ew. Oh. No. Right. Work crushes are so real. Or, like, your teacher in high school. It's like, I'm weirdly so attracted to this person. But, like, you see that, like, you look back and you're like, why was that? Did you guys have a teacher that you were in love with? Yes. You guys. Yeah.

Like bad. Like I have Snapchats that I would take of them and write the most insane things on. Like I actually need to find them after this. Like I was head over heels in love with this one teacher. It's the position of power. That is. That it can't ever be replicated. And he would get so mad at me.

Like, were you kind of like flirting with him? No, I think I flipped him off once. Go figure. I flipped him off once and he was like, what? I'm your teacher. And I was like, well. But you know how like when you're a kid, like you think that's flirting? You know. Decently about it. Yeah. Papa. Yeah. How old was he? Like early 30s. That's a sweet spot. That's a sweet spot. Prime. Prime. I think I need to change my hinge to 30 to 34. Why not? Yeah. Why not? Yeah. Why not? What's the oldest you would go?

Are you for real? I'm dead serious. 50. I think that's fine. What's the oldest he would go? Honest. Maybe like 40. Okay. You. Context is key. Who is this person? I'd go. We've had this conversation before. Go in the 60s. Like for the billion? Yeah.

Like, let's say, like, if this person, yeah, a billionaire is interested in you and, like, they're, like, okay, like. Well, that. You what? No. Obviously. Of course. Like, I'm not even saying, like, I'm not even talking dollar amount. I'm talking also, like, position of power. I'm like, eh. Oh. I'll see my way to the top. I was talking dollar amount. Okay. Yes. A billion. Hey.

60? I wouldn't write off a couple thousand even. Yeah. I see that for you. Sure. Yeah. I see that for you. But the highest I will go is 34. So what do I prescribe for you? The song Best Friend's Brother by Victoria Justice. Oh, good. Brilliant. You're on. Brilliant. Okay. And I also prescribe good, what is it? Practice good patterns? Yeah. Practicing good patterns. And also-

That movie, don't tell me, The Edge of Seventeen. Okay, you know I've never seen that movie. That's a good one, and that's a best friend's brother storyline. I am covering Brooke, actually, when I really get involved in the conversation. I'll lean back. My name is Issa. Hi, Issa. Hi, Issa. Hi, Pisa, kind of pussy vibes.

And I really cannot make this up, but I want my stepdad and I don't know what to do. So that's bad. That's like horrible. I really don't think I can be around him anymore. But since he's literally perfect, there's no way my mom will ever end things and they are getting married this June. Oh my God. I want to curl up in a ball. Isa, that's like, I've got nothing. No, you need to go seek actual help. I think that's a professional. I like totally get where Isa's coming from.

I like feel bad for her. And also you guys like that is not the first time I've heard a story about like something along that line. Really? No, I think I actually just laughed. I just like have step parents. So I'm like trying to put myself in Issa's shoes. I mean, what about the mom? She's like, I can't even go after it because like my mom won't end things with him. Like, so if the mom did end things with him, she'd go after it. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. I think something to keep in mind here would be maybe a conditioned response to

- Wear one of those shocking dog collars on your wrist. And every time you get close to your stepfather, he needs to shock you. - Yeah. - And then so that- - Like conversion therapy. - Yeah. - Wait, but that is crazy. Like I feel bad for her. Like there's nothing she can do. Like that is not, like she is not biologically related to him. But I do think it's weird that like your mom fucks him and like maybe that also interests you. - You just have to like get over that one. - Wait, I can't believe she put her name. - I know and we- - That can't be her government name.

That's crazy. Issa, I fucking love you. Me too. Of course, Issa. That goes without saying. What's your prescription for that? Well, the last time something creepy like this came along, I prescribed Lolita. But I think I might prescribe American Beauty this time around. Oh, that one's a creepy one. Yeah. Yeah. Just like you shouldn't be fucking your stepdad. Right.

The LDR. Don't. My friend, uh-oh, lied about being in a near-death experience to ditch us to go to a Super Bowl party. I'm sure I've done that. Yeah. She claimed she was working at her job and was held at gunpoint. I love her. Come on. We found out she went to the party our friend group wanted to go to, but we didn't because she told us she had work. She didn't. And we didn't want to go without her and leave her out. How do we approach this? She...

You need to tip your hat. She went to the party that they wanted to go to? Wait, the whole, okay, let me put this because I understand what she's saying. The whole friend group was invited to a party. Right. This one girl was like, ah, guys, I can't go. I have work. And then, so the whole friend group was like, all right, we won't go. We don't want to go without you. And then she's at work and she's like, I'll let you know if I get off early. And then she's like, oh my God, you guys, I can't go. I was held at gunpoint. No, she went to the party. She went.

What do you think her reasoning was? She didn't want to go with her friends to the party? She was like embarrassed by them? Embarrassed by her friends. That's the problem. It's not the lie. Yeah. That lie, like I can 100% stand by. Yeah. If you're using it as like an excuse to stay in. Yeah. Yes. But like if you're using it to like betray someone like that.

I can't stand for that. I can't stand for that either. I can't stand for that. I don't know what the fuck I would prescribe. Maybe like a friendship breakup. Like I would drop her. And I'm never for dropping because I've been dropped before, but like I would drop. What would you do?

I'm torn. I need to know why she did that. I would just ask then. I would be very clear and be like, what was your motivation for doing this? Right. It could be attention at the end of the day. Gunpoint? That's more understandable than embarrassment. But it's just like wild in this day and age, someone is going to see you at that party. Right. Yeah. So she must really not give a fuck. Right.

No, maybe she wanted the friendship to end subconsciously. Wait, you know what I'm going to prescribe? Did you watch the movie on Netflix, You're So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah? I did. So do you remember the scene where she goes and hangs out with them and the girl has a party and doesn't invite Adam Sandler's daughter? Yes. That's what I'm going to prescribe to you. Okay, good one. I heard that movie was just horrible. What? It was so amazing. I didn't like it either. What? I don't know. I don't know. Wait, it was like, oh my God, that was my life in seventh and eighth grade. Really? Yes. I'm going to watch it then.

I don't know why I wasn't feeling connected to it. Oh, I was so strongly connected to it. Maybe I need to rewatch. You need to rewatch. Maybe I wasn't in a good headspace. I was like, oh, God, this is like, bar mitzvahs like ran the world. Totally. I'm so. What was your giveaway? I didn't have a bar mitzvah. You didn't? My parents said if they go, if you have one, it can be in the rec room. And I said, excuse me? Like, my friends are renting out clubs. And they were like, are you out of your mind? Like, you can have it in the rec room.

And not only that, but I didn't want to go to Hebrew school. Yeah, that's fair. And so I didn't have a bar mitzvah. I'm so, so sad after hearing everybody talk about going to all of these parts. You didn't. I never even got invited to one. Did you have an HC? No.

Holy Communion? No. Oh. I don't even know. See, I don't even know what that is. That's so far removed from. You know, one time I wasn't invited to my neighbor's Holy Communion because I was Jewish. Really? How crazy is that? My next door neighbor. Is that like a thing that like Jews shouldn't be there? They didn't like me. Wow. That hurts. Yeah, that does hurt. I had one experience like that that I will never forget. Talk about memories. Like this is such a who cares memory, but all of my friends got invited on this like limo to go to this under 18 club. Uh-huh.

Talk about it. How old were you? It was a party to celebrate human trafficking. What were they doing? It was called Purple Rain. Of course. That's weird. I think it was R-E-I-G-N or something. I think everybody was really into drinking rocks or energy drinks. No one was even drinking. There was nothing nefarious going on at all at these things, but I didn't get invited. I want to drink energy drinks on a limo and go to Purple Rain. How old were you guys when you started drinking?

Maybe they were worried you would want real drinks. No, I wasn't. No one was. It wasn't even a matter of that. It was like, it's not cool. Yeah. Oh, I got that. I've been there. Yeah. I've been there. That's the worst feeling. It's the worst feeling.

Yeah. So what do we prescribe? What is this girl? Oh, the bat mitzvah. This is a girl that faked her own death to go to a Super Bowl party. When you put it, like, that's what it is. Like, that's crazy. To not go with her friends. I need one person to sit her down. I know that we could prescribe her. We have to prescribe her something, but, like, sit her down and be like,

Hello? What's going on? Be clear. What's going on at home? Be clear. Something's definitely happening. Because it might be just one person in the group that she doesn't get along with. And she doesn't want them there because those are her friends. Can I tell you what it sounds like? Please. It sounds like these other people were only invited to the party because of her. And she was like, look, I'm just so over this. I need to make up some fucking lie. It's just better to be clear. No, 100%. Yeah, even though it is hard. We should prescribe her the new season of...

The Bachelor. I hate The Bachelor. I haven't seen it. I started watching it. Are you enjoying it? I just want to be a part of something. You would make such a good Bachelor. No, I wouldn't. Yes, it would be so funny and I would actually watch The Bachelor. No, I don't think they let you be funny. I don't think they let you be funny. I probably wouldn't do reality because of the implications. I don't think you could ever escape that. You know who did reality and came out on top? Tyler Cameron? Him, number one. Mike White.

Mike White. He did Survivor. He did Survivor. Oh, he didn't just come out on top. He is the top. He's the top. He's hoisting everybody. So I think the one thing I would do, I would do Survivor. Yes. I would do Survivor. I would do a non-love related one, although I would do Marriott First Sight. Really? I think I'm headed there. Okay. Me too. You'd be good at that. See, I would watch that because they let you keep your personality and everything. It's so clear that they don't script that. What?

Married it for say and I think that like that is so fun to watch because you like are like oh this is not scripted I watched The Bachelor I'm like this is that when you are the bachelor like they are there's no way he has those AI generated responses to every single person's like little tiny problem. No have you seen the show Unreal? No. I haven't either. It's literally based on the behind the scenes of The Bachelor. It's amazing. Have you seen Unreal Louise?

How good? Should we watch it? I knew you would have seen that. I knew you would have seen that. It's such a huge show. Okay, me too. Okay. I've had a thing with this guy for a month now, and he is just such a simp for me. Yay. When it's just us two or around my friends. Oh, I spoke too soon. But he always puts the boys first and barely acknowledges my existence when we're around them. What was the timeline?

I've had this thing with this guy for about a month now. Okay. I'm, like, not totally against him putting his friends first. I think a month is really early. Like, it's... I don't think that I would even bring someone around my friends. I wouldn't. Actually, who am I kidding? I would. It's hard for me to say. Why am I lying? Yeah, like, all I do is make stuff up and then, like, take it back. I think it's not, like, an immediate, like...

huge red flag. No, I don't think it's, I think if you were dating and it's been like six months, like, yeah, something's weird. Howard, wouldn't you want him to put his friends first? Or like, be like, have the person you're talking to be like an individual. It's like, oh, this person has things going on, things they have to be at. Right. You know, it's like, that's kind of, that should be nice. My number one pet peeve is when someone I'm friends with starts seeing someone and then just...

Disappears off the face of the earth. Yeah. So good for this guy. I think maybe give him a second chance. The only thing I can prescribe for you is patience. Oh, yeah. A heavy dose of patience. Did you have reviews before? No. You're so on it. Thank you. It's because I drank my fast switch. What is that? I'm not even sponsored. I need something that keeps my brain up and at them. Do you want a little? Can I have a little sip? Please. I have it every morning before my workout. Is it an energy drink? Yes. Chug it.

You're going to feel. Yes. Whole thing. Why? I bit off more than I could chew. It's going to change. Oh, thank you. You're so nice for still speaking into the mic. You got it.

veterans you're gonna have to taste give it like 10 minutes you're gonna start to feel do you drink pre-workout i do yeah it's a it's a oh wow it's not good like i know that i'm gonna dive so early because i drink c4 of course like if i don't if i because i'm adhd it's like a pre-work i'm already yeah i told you i have c4 and if i don't actually go expend energy

Expend? Yes. Expel? Yes. My face will need to be ripped off. Itchy, itchy. Yeah. So you want to know my cocktail before filming? Yeah. Half of those and a few hits of the weed pen. Oh, I need a cocktail bad. That's my cocktail. And it hits every time. I have been so tense on camera. Oh my God, I'm going to start like butt chugging these. Yeah, it's amazing. They don't even sponsor me.

I think they might. Well, last time I said they were going to catch a lawsuit, so I don't know if they will. Zero sugar? How is that possible? Because it's Gatorade. No, because there's probably taurine in it. What's that? Taurine. Some other kind of sugar that they just don't call sugar. It's...

Oh, my God. This one is so fun because this one is implying I have a guest on. Yes, I love this one. Oh, cool. Okay. Okay, ready? Jake, help. The guy I like's girlfriend is literally cheating on him with 25-plus-year-old men. We are literally 17. Do I tell him and do I shoot my shot? Jake and lovely guest. Oh, nice. Please help. Wait, the...

The guy. She is interested. You could send an anonymous email. I've done that a few times. Ron or Sammy. Yeah.

There's a moral thing. I don't think she should. I don't think you get involved. That's not your business. You don't get involved in someone else's relationship. Oh, I would have to. Does it not always end poorly? You know what I prescribe for you? This is a quick one. Mean girls. And I'll tell you why I prescribe mean girls. That's very true, Jake. That's very true. Oh, my God. This is like my favorite episode I've ever filmed, okay? I'm like dead serious. I'm having so much fun. Okay, I prescribe mean girls because in mean girls, Katie, all they try to do is get...

Aaron Samuels to see that Regina is cheating on him and it doesn't work and it bites them in the ass. Totally. She ends up throwing up on Aaron Samuels at her party and they never get together. It catches up with you. I also think like no matter how right you feel like you are in your mind, like,

That's not your place. Not your place. Leave it on. Like you never want to get involved in someone else's relationship. My parents always taught me that. It's so true. I would not be able to help myself. I think I have like a disease. I got that. There is one that I've agreed on someone going and telling the other person. And it was someone's dad. The girl saw her best friend's dad out at like making out with a girl in a bar. And she was like, I have to tell you.

either my friend or my friend's dad to tell them, like, I can't live with that. I don't know what I would have done. What did they do? I can't remember. Oh, no, and we'll never find them. But, like, she was like, I don't know what to do. And I think it was a consensus to be like, if your friend ever found out that you knew that and didn't tell them. You're not friends anymore. I think she ended up telling the friend, like,

And then the friend did whatever she wanted to do with it. I think I would do that too. Ultimately means like the friend took care of it. I think that's a little different too. Cause it's like, it's not like you're wanting to date your friend or the dad. It's just like, Oh yeah. Yeah.

Because that feels like, what is your intention? Your intention there is to end up with this man. Right. It's just like crazy because like- Not be like the moral compass. But like back to this girl and her dad, if that was me, because I love to play what would you do if, what would you do if that happened to you? Like, do you know what movies I like to play that game most with? What? Like survival movies. Yeah.

For example. Like Hunger Games? No, no, no. Like movies like where they're stuck at the top of the cell phone tower and they can't get down. Movies where they're stuck on the ski lift and they freeze. What would you do, F? Like you're going to eat someone. Die? Yeah. Movies where they're stuck in the shark cage. That one makes me want to throw up right here, right now. Yeah. What would you do, F? What would I do if I, like, I don't know what I would do. I'd probably tell my friend. I think I would too. Well.

What would you do? Like if I was stuck in the shark cage and I wanted to fuck my friend's dad. Oh, no, if you saw your friend's dad. Yeah. Oh, wait. If about the friend's dad? Yeah. I was just saying. I would get so drunk with the friend and then be like, I have to tell you something. That's how you would do it? I would tell them right after. Yeah.

I'd actually probably tell my parents. Yeah. And be like, I need your help. Oh, I would want, like, as little people knowing about this thing as possible. Because I think, again, like, if your friend finds out that you told your parents, it's like... But I tell my parents everything. See, my parents, my mom talks. Really? Even if you're like, don't say anything? I guess not, but I don't think to tell her that ever. You know what's crazy? Love her to death. At what age did you realize your parents were just grown-up adults? Or grown-up children, sorry. Like...

in college when I was like, why did you put me in college? Like, I hate this. I'm failing. And then I was like, they don't know. They don't know. This is their first time being 46, you know? They're just grown up children. They probably want to ask their parents, what do I do at 46? Uh-huh. Yeah. Sick. It's a horrible feeling. I think I learned that early because my parents got divorced. Oh, yeah. And so you learn like when you watch them like try to be a single parent and you're like, oh, oh, you don't know what you're doing. Right. Yeah. Oh, perfect. Oh, yeah. That's a good. Yeah. Part one. This is like,

Were you comfortable? Do you want to lay on? No, no, no. I just, like, I think, I just. Is that making you want to crawl inside your skin? No, to be frank, I didn't wear underwear. Oh, okay. And the pants are, like. Any reason? Inside me. No, I was just. Guys, I feel like you guys would appreciate this. I did six loads of laundry yesterday and today. You smell like glamorous diva wash. Glamorous diva wash. What's glamorous diva wash? Jake! What's glamorous diva wash?

It would change your life. You would love it. It's this like super, super expensive luxury detergent. And is it amazing? It smells so, go smell Connor. Okay. It smells so good. Where does it smell like at? On my pants. Smells pants. Okay.

Yeah. It's sweet. Oh, my God. It's so good. Here's the thing. Sorry, do you mind really quickly? It's so expensive, so what you need to do is buy non-scented laundry pods and put them in and then just put a little bit of the Diva in so that it's getting a full wash without... How expensive is that? Very. Like...

I think it's like 50 for like a little tiny. Glamorous diva watch. You get it on Amazon. Last time we talked about it, by the way, that's the most hate comments, like volume of hate comments I've ever gotten because I think it's a small company out of West Texas. Okay. And it's a candle company. Okay. That like makes this detergent. And we talked about it on the podcast and for whatever reason, it went viral. And they sold out for weeks and everyone from Texas was like,

This is a, we can't even get our detergent now. I don't remember that at all. I think, I don't know why it was coming. That sounds like a constructed memory. No. No, I promise. It was like, really, if you even look at the comments on that video on BNCMAP, it's all like, this is a small company. You overwhelmed them with orders. Like, they're on Amazon. Yeah.

They should keep up with yours. I'm so excited to use this. Unscented pods. Yes, with just a little splash of the Diva Wash to make it last longer. Just a splash. Yeah, I'll send it to you. It is exquisite. Delicious. Wow, I'm really excited. And if you're having a bad day, wash your sheets in it. Get in that bed. It's like a mother's...

Mother's milk. You know what would make that better, you guys? You know what would make it better? What? Weed pen? Bed jet. Bed jet. Bed jet. I'm so excited for you guys to see my bed jet. I am so excited too. So Occamazing. Okay. So what? Occamazing. You get it. Yes. Like Occ. Acapella. Like Pitch Perfect? Excuse me? Oh.

So I have like an outspoken thing against Pitch Perfect. Why? You know I saw that film during Hurricane fucking Sandy. Oh shit. Yeah. That's how badly I wanted to see Pitch Perfect. I am so sorry. I spoke out of turn. That was inappropriate. That was inappropriate.

Tell me about why you hate Pitch Perfect. I don't know why it. You don't like singing. You have not lived until you have seen the final Pitch Perfect performance. You know, hands up. I am a song. Yeah, it's amazing. Well, I actually don't know if they sing that. Do they sing that?

Yeah. They do? Yeah. In the final, the final performance. Oh, I don't know. Hands up. No, I guess they were just singing that on the bus. Oh, yes. It's the best movie ever. Anywho, that's where off is from. The thing about me, I have an open mind. One thing about you? I can change opinions. Like, Brooke and I are like, let's rewatch things We don't have a very strong constitution. No, no, no. That's, yeah, that's another thing. It's like,

What do we say about our opinions? Loosely held. Loosely held. They're oopla. Can change in a moment. Yeah. Don't believe anything I say. Yeah. Or do. Or do. Yeah. Hi. The day before the first day of school. So the day. Okay. I found out my best friend would sneak out of my room during sleepovers and fuck my brother. I've actually heard about this happening before. This went on for eight months. She said it only happened once, but I had proof of other times. It took a lot, but I pushed to forgive her.

Because we were on the same team at school. I then found out that in this time, she was also hooking up with the boy I had a crush on for years. What do I do now, girl? I would be more upset about the second piece. Me too. The brother, I'd be like, damn. Well, that's kind of like on your brother for fucking your friends. Yeah. You know what I mean? Want to hear something I heard about once? Yeah, I do. I heard...

I actually, this might have just been the middle school rumor mill, but I remember this girl, another girl, and the girl's brother were in bed in a sleepover and the girl's brother and her friend fucked in the same bed as they were all having a sleepover. I actually don't know if that's true, but that's what I heard. That's like a very classic, like this rumor going around. Yeah. Yeah.

But I bet it's true. Rumors are founded in truth. I believe everything I hear. Me too. Me too. Do you listen to any blind item podcasts? Yeah. Well, I don't really listen to podcasts, which is... Me neither, but I listen to...

If I'm on a plane, I'll listen to like a blind item podcast. I read Dumois. Like I'm addicted to reading Dumois. No, you guys. It gets better than that. Behind the Blinds. Really? What's that? Oh my God. They have like entire episodes dedicated to like, like they have a Stranger Things episode where they like, it's just blinds about the cast of Stranger Things and it's fascinating. That sounds really good. It's nice to have a deep dive on certain things. Oh, it's outstanding. And they go through the blinds year by year. So it's like, like they'll do one on like,

Bradley Cooper. And they'll do like blinds from the year 2000 to the year 2024. Somebody needs to just make it a book. How nice to have an untapped fountain of topics to talk about on a podcast. Yeah. Printing money. Yeah. That's so awesome. And they also can't get sued because they say, well, you know, do you know the girl on TikTok that's like, they'll be like this illiterate actress. Yes. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's funny. I have a prescription for this. Okay. Salt burn. Salt burn.

Okay. This person is having sex with every person that this girl knows. Connor, very good prescription. That was a great prescription. You're great at the prescription. I'm learning as I go. That was a great prescription. I was ready like right away. I was like, if this girl gets involved with someone else that she knows, and then boom, it happened. Did that happen in Saltburn?

He was kind of like eating one person out and then drinking someone else's... Right, right, right, right. Discharge. Totally. Oh, this next one is going to be so fun for me. But anyway, we prescribed salt burn. I don't know if I need to prescribe you another medication besides maybe a friendship breakup because this girl sounds like a bitch. Buckle up. My situationship for...

My situationship for a year and a half, who told me he was single at first, ended up not only being in a relationship, but he was married. How do I get revenge? You tell the wife. Or I'm going to quickly just prescribe. I prescribed this the other week. The movie The Other Woman. That movie is so good. It's so good. Leslie Mann. Wait, is that? Oh, Leslie Mann, Cameron Diaz, and Kate Upton, right? Yes. Nicki Minaj and Jamie Lannister. Whoa, Nicki Minaj was in that movie. Yes, she absolutely was. She was Cameron Diaz's assistant. Who was the guy in that? Jamie Lannister.

Yeah. Oh. Wasn't there another man? Nah, you probably. But wasn't it Lady Gaga's ex? Maybe. Who was like the brother? How hot was that guy? Yeah, the brother. So hot. Yeah. But that's what I prescribe to you because that will like, but I do prescribe a smear campaign. Yeah, I'm pro smear campaign. Oh, so.

a really good smear campaign takes a lot of your energy. You have to become the issue. Like you live, breathe and die by this issue. So in this case, it will be making sure this man is not happy any longer. Does that involve smear?

His current wife? His current spouse? Yeah, it will. Unfortunately, it takes a few people down. But if she wants revenge, that's how she can get it. You have to think about how much energy you want to spend on this. 100%. I just think, now that you've brought the other woman into this, I really think it'd be fun to, why not get a little girl gang together? Make a weekend out of it. Totally. If you're able to make friends with her, beat his ass. Right. I would make friends with the wife. You guys...

This person told me the craziest fucking story the other day. I'll actually tell you after the podcast because it's so wildly inappropriate and crazy. And I don't want to like air out her business, but like it was wild. Well, that's it for this Tell Me What's Wrong. Pussies, you guys were a little unhinged today, but I'm with Loki here for it. What did we learn today, you guys? Oh, I learned so much. I learned about a new energy drink. I learned that it's Neville... Papper Puss. Papper Puss. Mm-hmm.

And I loved seeing Cassandra again. She's so darling. Yelling about like not being featured enough, but she's right here. Oh, she's so darling and gorgeous addition to Papa. Yeah. Neville. I learned a lot of good prescriptions. I learned a lot. Yeah. Jake, thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah. No, thank you. I've also learned a lot, but I'll let you go first. Connor. Um,

I learned a lot about my own body. Different parts of my body fell asleep during sitting here. I was moving around. I didn't even know that my forearm could fall asleep. It did. I learned a lot of ways to increase blood flow to different parts of my body. I learned that if I'm going to be sitting for an hour and 15 minutes on camera, I should wear underwear. As someone with a podcast, I

But like going into a space that I'm not familiar with. Of course. Really, I need to be wearing like as much protection as I can. But you just wanted your skin to soak up that fabulous Diva wash. It's nice. Yeah. Right into the bloodstream. It's nice. Yeah. And then we were, I mean, I learned that like not everybody knows about Diva wash, which is fun too. Yeah. Because I'm always open to spreading the good word of Diva. Yeah. No, I mean, you have. I'm about to go buy it.

Oh, and Bedjet. Yes. And Bedjet. And Bedjet. Oh my God, I can't wait. And Christianity. Words out of my mouth. What I learned today was that Connor was born Christian. I learned today that Connor was born Christian, that he has trouble growing body hair, which one could attribute to the fact that he was born Christian. Those two could be related. That's just my hypotheses. I have also learned that I need to watch, what's it, Polly Pocket? Yes.

The movie, Polly. Oh, Along Came Polly. Yeah. I've also learned I need to watch Along Came Polly. And I've also learned that I'm not the only one who's into older men. No, Jake, you're not alone. You're not alone. There are so many of us out there. Yes. Well, thank you guys for coming. Thank you for visiting. Oh, sorry. I forgot everything. Sit, bitch. Oh, your session is up, pussies. Brooke and Connor, thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having us. Thank you so much, Jake. That was so fun.

Love you.