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Hi pussies, welcome back to Therapuss and happy...
Happy Valentine's Day. If you're spending it alone with friends or with a significant other, I hope you have the best day ever because I won't. Actually, maybe I will be because for Valentine's Day, I am going to dinner with Peyton and Kennedy because we are the only single ones in our friend group. And we are going to drink and have a Galentine's Day. And for Valentine's Day, I wanted to intro the section where I...
call pussies because a lot of you guys have been when you go to my website pass that puss.com and submit it tell me what's wrong you've been leaving your numbers for me to call you and this pussy named Layla submitted her number and I just like want to call her and wish her a happy Valentine's Day even though it's a little far in advance I'm gonna be sad if she doesn't answer and then answers later but happy Valentine's Day I'm shooting my Valentine's Day episode oh my god stop I love you oh my god wait do you
Wait, it's a good reason to leave. Wait, say hi to all the pussies you're on, Therapus. Oh, my God. Well, I'm obsessed with you. I hope you have the best Valentine's Day. Fuck yeah. Okay. I love you. Bye, Layla. Today, we have one of my favorite people on the internet, Madeline Argy, coming on. I am so goddamn fucking excited. The second I saw she was in LA, I was like, oh, so I need her to come on Therapus. And that's what I did.
That she is. I think she's about to get here. I'm really excited to just talk about love and Valentine's Day and friendship and puss and London with her. I'm so excited to hear about her life in London because if you pussies don't know, that is where I want to legit live and raise my kids. Okay, guys. Welcome back to Therapist. I'm here with... I'm actually so excited. Sorry. I'm here with Madeline Argy all the way from London. Hi, Madeline. Hello.
Hello. Thank you for coming on Therapus. Thanks for having me on Therapus. Of course. Are you liking Los Angeles? Yeah, I am. Very much. Are you missing London at all or are you happy to be gone for a sec? I don't think I've ever missed London in my life. Ever? No. I miss my dog. You don't? It's too cold for you? It's too cold. It's too gray. The people are mean.
People are kind of intense there. Yeah, they're really rude. So I like to do this thing on Therapist where we talk about what we're pissed about called Therapist. Is there anything that's pissed you off since you landed in LA? I was trying to think of something and no. Of course. LA is so nice. People are friendly. What? You think people are friendly? Yeah. Everyone's nice to me. People aren't nice. Okay, I need to unpack this in therapy, I think. Like actual therapy because I'm always like people are so mean here.
Really? Yeah. Maybe I just omit bad vibes. Honestly. Maybe.
Maybe. I don't know. But, like, I've not really gone that many places. I feel like I've only gone places where people are, like, paid to be nice to me, like the coffee shop. Uh-huh. Wait, where'd you get coffee? I was going to swipe up and give you, like, all my racks, but then I was like, she probably already has a million. No, I don't. I've been going to Alfred's every single day. You like it? It's okay. Okay, you should go to the best coffee in L.A., and tell me if you agree with this, is Morrow. Morrow? It's the one in the Arts District, and then it's in...
Yeah, Beverly Hills. It's right by your hotel. Right by, I mean like 10 minutes. It is the best coffee you'll get in LA. Maru Coffee. Really? Yeah, it's the best. Or Community Goods is great too. Is that? I've heard that name before. It's really good. It's like small and the line can go out the door, but like in the winter, it's fine because you're cold. It's good, right? Yeah.
I'll try it. I went to Earth. I didn't really love it there. I would have steered you clear. Yeah, really? Yes. I am the biggest Earth Cafe hater in the fucking country. The biggest till I die. I don't give a fuck. Till I die, that place is despicable. I don't care. I don't give a fuck. It is so bad. What did you get there? Sorry, let me calm down. What did you get there? I got the iced vanilla latte and a burrito.
How was it? The burrito was really good. Really? A little bit like soggy, but... See, I fucking can't. You guys, this place, I used to get bamboozled into going by my friends and they would be, and I just, their salads were dry. They had this disgusting taco salad that actually tasted like, I don't even want to go there because I'm not going to gross anyone out if they're eating while watching this. But like, I fucking hate that place. So glad you had a good experience.
I just got really heated and I'm sorry to anyone that owns Earth Cafe. I'm sure you're lovely. But that's, I hate it. Are you allowed to say things like that on podcasts? Like it's fucking disgusting. I hate it. You hate Celsius? Uh-huh. Tell me why. Well, I just tried one this morning and I like. It's like, did your heart beat out of your skin? Like I'm still having palpitations, but I feel hungover. Yep. Yeah. It's fucking awful. It's horrible. Yeah. It is like, well, I've started drinking this thing called Fast Twitch. Yeah.
And I drank one before this, actually, if anyone's able to tell. And it is like an Adderall in a can. Like it actually like my skin is like jumping out because it's like 300 milligrams of caffeine. Yum. Right? I think so, too. And I only drink it before I work out, which is when I think I need to keep working. But I just drank one. So if anyone notices, I'm just a little over emotional today. That's why.
It's because of that. Do you have a preferred energy drink now that we're on the topic? No, I don't drink energy drinks. And you just went for a Celsius today? Yeah. I just thought, I don't know. I wanted to try it. It was in my little mini fridge, so I just went for it. I have those in the hotel mini fridge now.
It's like the most LA mini fridge I've ever seen. What's in it? What's in it? It's so full of shit. It's like three wellness shots. Yes. And then like sugar-free raw cocoa chocolate. Yes. No. I know. I know. I was so disappointed when I got that. I saw it. I was like, I'm fucking.
This is a sick joke. I know. If I was traveling, that would be the last thing I'd want to see. But if I was, like, booking a hotel room for me personally tonight and they had, like, Celsius and, like, sugar-free snacks, I'd be like, yeah. Like, fuck yeah. This is what I needed. But, like, I definitely get that if I had traveled somewhere and that was in their mini fridge, I'd probably bomb the place. Yeah.
Honestly. Completely valid reaction. It's fine. Like, I'd freak the fuck out, actually. Now that I'm thinking about it, if I was traveling, that's just, like, the last thing I'd want. I'm so sorry. Yeah. They also, like, I don't know if I can say this, but, like, they won't, you know, like, they leave, like, fresh fruit out sometimes in hotels. Ugh, yum, yeah. Like, I kind of thought that maybe, like, the cleaners would take it out. Like, I've probably not. They left it in there. It's been over a week. It's literally molding. And I'm like, I don't know what the fuck to do with it. And you have to ask them, take this shit out of my room. I never see them.
them like I've not seen any of the because I'm always out when they come by so go to the front desk be like this is my room number I'm begging that's actually such a simple solution to no but I get it like I have social anxiety like I do you have social anxiety not really oh love that for you I have the worst so I get scared of doing stuff like that but like you should just do it yeah I will probably do it I just I like don't come to solutions that's my problem what's your star sign cancer I fucking knew it
I just knew it. What's yours? It's why we get along. Can I guess? Yeah, guess. Aries. No. Scorpio? Yes. Really? Yes. I'm Scorpio with Gemini Rising, Gemini Moon. Oh.
It's like bad and really dark. I oftentimes don't tell people my birth chart because they like actually don't want to be friends with me after I tell them. Yeah. I love Scorpios, but I don't know about Geminis. No. No. Geminis are crazy. But one of my best friends, Cassidy, is a Gemini and she's the best. But Geminis are a lot. Scorpios are just very like moody and dark. But that's why I'm a Gemini rising. I'm so friendly because...
It's the mask I portrayed of the world. Yeah, two-faced. Scary. Yeah. Honestly, yeah. And I'm sorry about it. I am sorry about it. But there are just situations in which I have to be. Okay, well, why don't we get into the tell me what's wrong for the day. Oh, my God. How could I forget? Because it's Valentine's Day. For you. Because you're my Valentine. Happy Valentine's Day, pussies. Thank you so much. These are for you. Thank you. While we answer the Valentine's Day tell me what's wrong. This is so romantic. I know. I'm bright.
How do I bring up Valentine's to my situation ship? We've been going out for a month. You don't? What? Wait, that's crazy. Sorry. I mean, you go. Wait, I'm curious. Is that crazy to do? Yes. Maybe I'm the wrong person. Your situation ship, you've been seeing each other non-exclusively because you're a situation ship for a month, which is what this sounds like. Valentine's Day is the last thing on their mind. Not to be harsh.
Because, like, if they're not exclusive, like, they don't have to celebrate Valentine's Day yet. That is time and money. I know. I'm sorry. I'm just here to deliver the truth. You need to do better. Look, you got me flowers we've only just met. Okay, wait, fuck. Maybe bring it up to them, honestly. I would. What would you say? Where the fuck are we going? I don't know. No, you know what? Actually, I wouldn't because I'd want to see what they would do. Yeah, and in this case, he's not doing anything.
I'm serious. Maybe one month is a little bit soon. It's a little bit soon. I totally understand the delusion, like, beyond belief. Like, because at the end of the day, like, what it is, like, respectfully, it is delusional. But I get it because I'm also delusional. So, like, I'm going to just, like, let this person down easy. Like, he is not thinking about Valentine's Day, and I'm so, so sorry about that. But I would not ask him and, like, maybe make plans with your gal pals.
That is so brutal. I know, but it's the truth. Is it? I hate participation medals. And like, that's what I feel like I'm giving out when I lie. Okay, fine. No, fair enough. Yeah. You know, is that too mean? I love it. Okay. You guys. Maybe I'm delusional and I didn't even know. I would bite someone if I'd been seeing them for a month and they don't give me anything on Valentine's Day.
No, it depends who I'm dating. If it's a girl, I'm expecting something. But if it's a boy. Right, because girls get it. Yeah, girls do get it. Boys don't. The case in point, para me. I prescribe to you the holiday because in the holiday, Kate Winslet's, have you seen the holiday? She is so unfortunately delusional about that guy she's seeing. And she leaves him and he comes running back. So that's what I prescribe to you. Do you have any prescriptions for her? The holiday is pretty good. You like the holiday? I just watched it for the first time.
How did you get through life not watching it? I don't know. And I think I fell asleep for half of it, respectfully. Really? I love Cameron Diaz more than anything, though. And Kate Winslet. She's so hot. She's everything. Yeah. She's filming a new movie right now. Is she? Yes. I'm so excited. Do you know what it's about? No.
It's with Jamie Foxx though. There was like some drama on set. I forget what it was. I think I'm being love bombed. We have been on only four dates and he already mentions Valentine's and texts me 24-7. Help. This is the other girl's opposite. I know. Love bombed? No. You don't think that's love bombing? I'm insane. So I just feel like that's so valid. Why would you not? Well, I think that's valid too. You've been on four dates and he already mentions Valentine's. That's him being literally so polite.
You don't agree?
I feel like that's just where you should be. Four dates. Unless you've gone on, like, four dates in, like, I don't know, a week. That's weird. Then you're being love bombed. Right. So we're needing to know the time frame for this. We need more information. A little more information. But I don't know if that's love bombed. I think that's really nice. But, like, the issue with love bombing is I feel like only time can tell. Unless you think there's, like, red flags that you can see in advance from love bombing. Yeah. Do you know if, like, what are, I've never been in a relationship, so I don't know. But, like, do you, are there red flags? Like, can you tell when you're being love bombed?
I feel like some people are just a bit insane and they, like, throw themselves in so quickly. Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Do you not, like, have other things to focus on? Yeah. You know, someone's like, oh my god, he said he loved me. It's been three weeks. I'm like... That's love bombing. Yeah. Even if it's not intentional, like, that person's obviously insane. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Why would you want someone that loves you after three weeks? Yeah, that is... It's because it's, like, I feel like as quickly as they find their love for you, they can lose it. Yeah. So it's, like, it has to be, like, a healthy...
Yeah. Sorry, is that, like, toxic? I feel like it's true. I prescribe to this girl. What's a movie about getting love-bombed? Actually, you know what I prescribe to this girl? I prescribe to her season one, episode one of Girls on HBO because Marnie is actually being treated like a queen by this guy. Have you seen Girls? Mm-mm. Okay, this is, like, my second day in a row talking about Girls. It is... Do you like Sex and the City? Mm-mm.
Okay. It is like a funnier Sex and the City. Okay, cute. Like, it is. No, actually, I'm so addicted to the show, you guys. Like...
It is my entire personality trait, so if I start, I won't stop, but you need to watch it. It's on HBO. Okay, we don't get HBO in the UK. I cannot fucking get it anywhere, not even on illegal websites. You don't get HBO? Wait, I'm going to have a panic attack. What do you mean? It's so difficult. You can't hack it. Even VPNs, you cannot get in. So how do you watch Euphoria? That was on Sky Go. Oh, it's on a different network. You really don't have HBO. We don't have HBO.
It's so annoying because there's so many things that I want to watch. Okay, well, you have to watch Girls. You have to. I binge it while I'm here. No, like, you don't understand. And are you going to New York soon? Yeah. It takes place in New York. Cute. I love watching things that take place in New York. It takes place in Brooklyn. Last time I watched Gossip Girl. Were you re-watching or watching for the first time? I'm still watching for the first time. First time ever? It's the best show of all time. Were you a Skins girlie? Yeah. Who was your fave? Effie. Yeah. Okay.
I like, I remember when the reboot came out on MTV, they did like an American reboot. And I was like, yeah, it was bad. I was like 10 years old and I'd never seen Skins before. And I put it on and I was so fucking traumatized. Like panic attack at the dinner table. Like do people live like this? The US version. And then I watched the UK version to be like, maybe I gave this a fair shot. No.
I was I need to give it a shot now because obviously I've lived a lot more life than since I was 10 but watching that at 10 years old actually scarred me for life. I was like I didn't know people did things like this. I've never seen the US version so I do not know what you're talking about. Isn't there a scene in the first episode where this guy's parents like go away for a weekend and then he throws like a really big party there and then it's like all alone. In the UK one? Yeah. In the first episode of Skins ever? Yeah. Or like I've only seen one generation. What? There's different generations? Yeah.
Is it still going on? The point of skins is they're sixth formers. I'm pretty sure. What does that mean? That's junior and senior year. In the UK, it's a different thing. It's called sixth form. Oh, so it's like your guys is Degrassi. What the fuck is that?
But, yeah, I think you need to watch Girls after this and I'll watch Skins. Okay, deal. Because I, no, like, deal. You need to watch Girls. It's the best show. But that's what I prescribed to you because Marnie is, like, actually being love-bombed so hard by this guy named Charlie. Like, wait, let me just explain to you why you need to watch Girls. Like, the storyline with Charlie, like, you're going to be like, okay, this doesn't matter. I'm over it. No, it gets brought back around in such a sick, have you seen Girls? What?
My God. It gets, like, I'm seriously, like, I have chills talking about it. Like, it gets brought back around in one of the most cutthroat, bittersweet ways I've ever seen in my entire life. Like, it is the most beautiful show I've ever seen in my life. Okay, that's my girlish feel. Sorry. I saw a to-do list on my ex's fridge. I was over to get some clothes, and it said, buy Sarah a V-Day gift. Sarah is my best friend. I don't read these before. Really? That is fucking darkness. Ruin their lives. That is fucking...
Deranged. Sorry. On the fridge as well. That's fine. Bring Sarah a Vita gift. I'd take a photo of it. Obviously take a photo of it. And I hope to God you did. And show Sarah and be like, no, actually, no. I always say men fold easier than women. So she needs to go to the guy first and be like, Sarah told me everything. Oh, smart. Yeah. And...
record the conversation you just you got to do it even if it's mumbled in the pocket press record just like have a personal backup and then go to sarah and be like um blah blah told me everything we are not friends anymore that's what i would do what would you do if it's actually my best friend i think i would like show up like on valentine's day like play a bit of a long game like actually go like i'm coming as well
That is smart. Well, they don't have a date, though. He's just getting her a gift. He's getting her a gift. Ew, so which one of you is he taking on the date? No, it's none of them. No, he's taking his friend. He said, I saw a to-do list on my ex's fridge. I was over to get some clothes, and it said, buy Sarah a V-Day gift. Sarah is my best friend. Oh, it's her ex. Yes, it's her ex-boyfriend, and it says. Why were you at his house? Because she was picking up clothes, she says. Okay. So she says. But I believe you. Got it, got it, got it, got it. I have a listening issue, apparently. No, it's a thing about this room. Am I wrong? No.
No one can. There is so fucking much to look at. I know. And it's the Celsius. Seriously? This has to be just not okay. I'm like upset about it. I'm not going to lie. And honestly, while we're talking about the room, I have to introduce you to, because she's yelling at me, Cassandra. Hey, babe. Say hi to Madeline. Hi.
Sorry, she's like so, like you were literally just asking to say hi. Now she's not being energetic. But that's Cassandra. And if you could rate your day on a tense up to tense down scale, tense down or tense up, how would you rate it? My day so far? It's only 1 p.m. I know, but with the Celsius, doesn't it feel like 4? Yeah, I'm sweating. I know. Like this. A tense up? Tense up.
Yeah. I aspire to have your positivity every day. Are you having a tense down day? Always. Always. I'm always in a bad mood. That's horrible. I'm always in a bad mood. Am I? Something's always wrong. And it's just, it's just how I'm wired. It's just how it works. Okay, yeah. So what I would do is I would prescribe you a smear campaign for your ex-best friend, ex-best friend, and your ex-boyfriend. Like, let them be in love. It's disgusting. Like, she's a bad friend. That's what I prescribe you. Ew. Ew.
What do you prescribe? I like the smear campaign. I know! Smear campaigns are like the shit. Yeah. When they're warranted. I can not get rid of my UTI. It keeps coming back. And I've been hooking up with this guy, but I'm pretending it's serious. What? Because I'm lonely. Okay. I've been pushing through sex because I don't want to tell him. Oh, okay. Is she okay?
Anyways, I already asked this guy to be my valentine and I'm so worried it's just going to fester. Okay. Oh, hold on, hold on, hold on. I missed the third page. My roommate's ex is coming to visit for Valentine's Day. She asked me to go get rose petals for the bed. So alone. Anyways, I already asked this guy to be my valentine and I'm so worried it's just going to fester. Okay. Call me crazy. I don't really understand the correlation between the UTI and asking him to be your valentine.
But that is just me personally. I really don't. So I'm just like struggling where to like, I find the proper highway to give you advice to. But do you have any notes on this? Like when she says I'm worried it's going to fester, does she mean the UTI? That's what I picked up too. But I think she meant her. The word fester is not sitting well with me. You know what? Speaking of sitting, let's sit with this one for a minute because I want to just get this.
Time to think about. Maybe we'll switch from the Valentine's Day one. Am I being okay? Okay, cool. Like, no, Madeline. I've never, ever done this. Like, I've never been this hyper before in my life. Seriously. And I'm, if you can tell, I'm so anxious. Also that I am so uncontrollably hyper. So like, it's just like a mess over here. It's like the craziest mess.
I'm going quicker than I normally do. Maybe I'm usually really slow. No, that's the, that's, that's, that's how you should feel. Okay. Wait, tell me what's, tell me what's wrong.
My neighbor and I have been hooking up on and off again for the past two years. We only think about each other romantically when we're drinking, but when we're sober, we friend zone each other. Okay, so my life. He's the nicest guy I know, and we talk all the time. Is it worth pursuing a relationship, or should we stay friends? How should I approach the situation with him?
Sounds like she's got the perfect situation. You think that's a fire situation? That sounds good to me, yeah. Like, no feelings? Well, it sounds like she's got feelings, though. Yeah. Yes. Let's be honest. You have feelings for him, and that's okay. But I think if she continues, like, hooking up, it's only going to end bad. So, like, she kind of has to decide. Why, though? Okay. Okay.
Tell me. I feel like it's fine. Just keep hooking up with him. Like, that's perfect. But what if she, like... So convenient. I err on the side of anxiousness, and my worry for her is that if he doesn't reciprocate the same feelings of wanting a relationship back, and they've been hooking up, like, she's only going to get more hurt. So I'm just trying to help her protect her peace, but, like, I understand that, like, sometimes you can't do that. True. And then if he gets a girlfriend, like, she's going to have to see it. Yeah, because he's her neighbor.
I don't know. I guess I prescribe. I like your approach of, like, just doing it and figuring it out later. So keep doing what you're doing, girl. Keep hooking up with him. And it does sound like you're getting feelings, though. So, like, maybe gauge the vibes next time you're hooking up. But, like, maybe try to, like, be flirty. I would prescribe being flirty while sober once and seeing how far that gets you. Like, if he gives it back, then okay. Like, there's something here. But if he's, like, super weirded out by it, then, like, maybe this just isn't for you guys.
Yeah. That is my prescription. Or even ask him to dinner. That'd be nice. And then get drunk. Wait. Yeah. I wish I had the confidence that that elicits. Like, I can, I once, I asked someone to dinner once in my life. Once. And they responded, oh my God, absolutely not. I have a boyfriend. Why did you just message me? I said, okay. I'm never doing this again. Really? Yeah. Are you like, do you do that?
But it's because I don't care. Yeah. Like, I... Yeah. I don't know. You can reject me. I don't care. That... I want you to know how much confidence and, like, faith in yourself... It's not. It's ignorance. No, it's not ignorance, though. No, it is. You're, like, comfortable in yourself, and, like, that is something you should be so proud of. Like, that's amazing. I'm not, though. Really? I just, like, put it in a box. Okay. Lock the key. You...
Repress. Yes. Okay, maybe I need to start doing that then because I need to start asking people to dinner and not caring what they say. This one sucks. My ex broke up with me for the college experience, but we go to the same school. So he wants to break up with you. Just tell everyone that he has chlamydia. Yeah, oh, okay. I love that. You have the upper hand because you go to the same school. Okay, so you know what you should prescribe them? John Tucker must die because they do that in John Tucker must die. They tell the entire school he has an STD. Nice. Yeah. Have you seen John Tucker must die? No.
I didn't know what you were saying to me. Oh, it's the bad. It's like, it's like, uh, I don't know how to describe it. It's like a rom-com from like 2004. It has, have you seen desperate housewives?
No. I've seen Desperate Housewives or Beverly Hills. Okay, you've seen the Real Housewives. Do you like Real Housewives? Oh, is that what that's called? Real Housewives? Yes. Oh, shit. Yeah, I like that. What do you watch, actually, now that we're on the topic? Real Housewives. Big Mouth. Yeah. That's it. That's it? Yeah. Oh, I watched Made recently. That was kind of hot. I heard Made is great. It's so good. You know what I'm watching right now is Griselda. Any of you? It's okamazing.
What is that? Have you ever seen Pitch Perfect? No. Ock, excuse me? Ock, excuse me? Seriously, Griselda's amazing. Shout out to Fia Vergara. You ever watch Modern Family? It's so amazing. Really? I know. It's bad.
It's pretty bad. I won't lie. See, I'm like, I want to find, like, a London lover, but, like, I don't think I can because I am so not London to my core. Fair enough. Yeah. But I also kind of wanted a London lover because have you ever seen Normal People? Oh, my God, yeah. That takes place in London, right? Or am I Ireland? That would be Ireland. Oh.
Quite different. Have you been to Ireland? No. Oh, wait, shit, yeah, I have. It's beautiful. Have you seen pictures? Yes, it's absolutely so grey and beautiful. Like Dublin? What's the other one? There's Dublin and there's what? Dublin...
Sorry, it continues.
All the other European capitals are filled with architectural masterpieces. And all we have, oh, so they live in Dublin, is a red pub that charges you for a left nut, charges you a left nut for a pint. Change my mind. Okay, never mind. We're not going to get into this Reddit thread. But I still stand by the fact that I want to go to Ireland because I want to find my Paul Mezcal. Fair enough. Is he Irish himself, Paul Mezcal? I think he's, no, he's not. Do you know?
I think he is everything to me. But yep, knew it. But I liked normal people because I like that they lived in like this small town and it was like so quaint and it looked my favorite part about like European small towns anywhere. Have you been to like a small town in America? Yeah. They don't feel as much as like homey small towns as they do in like Europe.
You know what I mean? Like, I feel like I'm in a small town when I'm in Europe. Does this make sense? Does anyone know what I'm saying? Here, I'm like, I feel like I'm always connected to a city somehow and it like doesn't feel like a small town. Yeah. I feel like it's because we have like villages, like old villages. Yes. God love a village. Shut up. Seriously. Oh, so your ex broke up with you, but you go to the same school.
You said John Tucker must die. How did we get here? Chlamydia. Yeah, chlamydia. Yeah, I prescribe to you John Tucker must die and maybe a trip to the English countryside. Yeah. When my boyfriend and his friends go out, they think it is funny to end the night going to the strip club.
I have talked with my boyfriend about how I don't like him going. Although my tone was kind of joking, I felt it did get the point across that I truly didn't like it. Well, this is past Saturday. He went out with his friends. And when he saw me next on the Tuesday at his little cousin's birthday, so we were at a family event, he told me they went to the strip club again. How do I handle the situation? Just be like, you're really annoying me. Seriously, at this point, you can't go anymore.
I would just go. You would go to the club? No, like, I would go to, like, what, like, Magic Mike? Yeah, you would go to a male strip club and see how he feels. Yeah. Okay. That's what we prescribe to you. Chippendales. Why does he have something for everything? What the fuck is Chippendales? Chippendales is, do you know what Chippendales is? Okay. I am just, like, a lockbox of, like, pop culture information. That's so funny. Yeah, but we prescribe to you Chippendales. And you know what? Yeah, that's what we prescribe to you.
I think my dad has been hitting on my boyfriend. I know I sound fucking insane, but I feel like something's going on between them. When we came over for Thanksgiving, my dad insisted on sitting next to him and was making super uncomfortable jokes about him the whole time, talking and joking a lot about our sex lives. Ew. And you know what? My dad also comes up and rubs his shoulders from behind. My boyfriend has told me he gets really uncomfortable by this, and I'm not entirely sure what to do. Should I bring this up with my dad or stay quiet? Holy fuck. I really don't know what to prescribe to you, but this needs to be handled.
that just gave me so much anxiety like I hate dealing with things and like that is something that just like absolutely needs to be dealt with what do you think I don't know yeah right because what the fuck do you do are you going to talk to your dad hey dad do you want to fuck my boyfriend yeah I would be like wait something because the dad would just be like well that's not true but it I mean like maybe you need to have the conversation so he knows that people are noticing and like it's weird
I feel like, how do you bring that up, though? You can't. You can't. You might just have to suffer. I think that's the advice. Yeah, and, like, as long as your boyfriend doesn't want to fuck your dad, like, it's, I guess, like, that's so fucking awkward. I feel like there's no cure. There's no cure. Ew. Like, why is he talking about her sex life? Like, that's gross. He asked his daughter about their sex life. He jokes about it. That's what she's saying. Like, it's gross and he's weird. Your dad sounds weird, respectfully.
Let's get back to the Valentine's Day themed one. All my BFFs and I usually do a Galentine's together, but this year they all have dates. Me. Like actually me to my core. Like I totally get that, but I still have like a few single friends. I don't know what to like. Go. I don't know. I don't know. Have you ever been in that situation? Alone on Valentine's Day? Yeah. It's like because your other friends are also busy with dates.
Yeah, my best friend is always in relationships. Fucking sucks. Really? Actually, yeah. Yeah, like, both my best friends. They're always in relationships. See, I have that same problem, but I still have a few single friends, so, like, I'm spending time with them on Valentine's Day. And I feel really bad for this girl, but I think what you need to do...
is, like, obviously take the night in, order in, watch a movie. If you cannot stand to be awake, I would take two Benadryl really early in the night at, like, literally 5 or 6 p.m. so you can just wake up and Valentine's Day will be over. So true. That's awful. Wait, really? I'm going to put a little legal disclaimer here. Like, please don't actually take my advice seriously for Benadryl, but, like, I will tell you that I do that all the time. So do with that information what you will. But, like, if I don't want to handle a night...
I'll take a Benadryl to go to bed. Because I'm just like, I can't. Like, if I just want to wake up and have the next day start because I'm impatient. It's like pressing fast forward. I do that with Phenogram all the time. I think that's how you say that. A what to what? I don't know what it is, but it takes me out. Phenogram? No, Phenogram. Phenogram? What is that? Wait, in the...
In the UK, I was trying to find Benadryl over-the-counter to sleep. So funny, actually, that we're talking about this. I couldn't find it anywhere except for, like, Sleepy Aid. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Ugh, it's probably, like, melatonin. Don't know what it was. That shit knocked me out so hard. Is that what that is? Because, like, it is over-the-counter, and it knocked me out. You guys, like, you don't sell Benadryl over there, but you sell something else.
Yeah, so I prescribe not literally Benadryl to go to bed, or I prescribe to you, like, a night in for yourself, and you're, like, watching your favorite TV show and ordering in. But, like, I totally understand just, like, not even wanting to be awake for that. So, like, I would understand and not judge you if you did a Benadryl moment. Do you have any final words for her? I don't think so. Yeah, I'm sorry, though. Yeah, that sucks. You can be our Valentine. It's fine. They might have shit Valentine. Exactly.
And Valentine's Day is so commercialized at this point. Like, look what I'm doing. Like, it's, you know what I mean? Last Valentine's, my ex got so drunk that in the middle of the night, I walked in on him taking a shit in the men's dorm urinal. I was so down bad and I cleaned it up. That's insane because you didn't even have to clean it. Like, it's in your fucking bathroom. I have, like, actual chills. I'm so thankful that this guy is her ex. Oh, she said ex? Yeah, she said my ex because that is...
So devastating to me. Why are you blacking out on Valentine's Day? Who parties on Valentine's Day? Actually, actually, I think maybe I did a few years ago. But why are you blacking out on Valentine's Day? Especially if you're in a relationship. God, I would say I prescribe a breakup, but they seem to... Do they need advice? Do they just want to tell us that? Sometimes they just want to talk. Okay, fine. Yeah.
I'm like, you know, that's disgusting. But like I said, if you – okay, because in the last episode or a few episodes ago, we talked about how this girl, her coworker, shit on the floor of –
the office work party and like blacked out and like doesn't remember it and i'm like okay this is now like the third time i've heard about a story like this and like one of them's from my own experience like seeing someone do that so like i just would like to know like what the fuck goes through your mind like if you are a party pooper like dead ass literally like what goes through your mind when that's happening like how do you feel when you wake up like i'm asking for personal research purposes because i'm like so fascinated like
I think that's insane. Isn't that insane? I've never been drunk enough to like. Ever. Ever. We were at my friend Brett's. I told the story a few weeks ago. Her birthday party. And she walked out of her bathroom crying. There was 30 people in her home. Max. I want to say maybe 20. She walked out crying because someone shit on the floor of her bathroom. And just went downstairs and continued pre-gaming. Pre-gaming. She was hysterically sobbing. We were like.
So we think we know who it is because Brett says that she left the bathroom. But yeah, I just like want to know why, honestly, at this point. You know what? One time I was hanging out with like, this is back when I had like big friend groups. I was like young and there was 10 of us. Oh, those were the worst. Yeah. Well, no, these girls are so sweet. Like we don't really speak anymore, but like they're nice. Someone shit on the floor.
Left the bathroom And came back to the function And then someone else Went in there And they were like Oh my god guys Like what the fuck Someone's shitting on the floor in here And to this day No one knows Who did it? Who did it No one knows who done it Do you have like An assumption? I have my suspicions But I'm not gonna say Okay well totally But like
in your suspicions we won't say the name like do you are you like yeah no i know it was them like i'm like so sure because i'm so sure that i like saw her go into the bathroom and then i didn't see anyone else like go that way and then she came back and then the other girl went in and was like guys what the fuck that's what happened to brett that's what happened to brett we were like obviously this bitch shit on the floor because if she came out she would have been like hey there's shit on your floor like no one would just step over that you know what i mean
I'm dead ass, you guys. I need to know the logic behind these people. If that was me, I'd be like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I just shit on the floor. I need to clean up and I need to go home. I need to never show my face again. I don't know how they just continue on. It's bewildering to me. Also, I just don't know how... I guess some people are just wired like that to do crazy things when they're drunk. The drunkest I've ever been, I've just passed out. I've not done anything insane. I wish I could say the same. Oh, really? Yeah.
This guy I want to be my valentine Clearly knows I like him And it's so embarrassing So I panicked And told him I have been In Seattle Oh I have a boy Oh I panicked and told him I have a boyfriend in Seattle Okay So this guy You want to be your valentine Knows you like him And you're embarrassed So you lied And said you had a boyfriend In another state Okay
It actually worked, and we are now pals. He def won't make the first move because he thinks you're dating someone because you lied. So how do I make a story post about Valentine saying I'm single in a cool way?
Smart. I mean, I really hope he doesn't listen to Therapist Girl because he'll definitely know now. But what I would do is, like, go find, like, a little cute, like, cunty meme on, like, Betches or some, like, account like that about being single on Valentine's Day and, like, throw that up. Or, like, maybe what I would do, this is my prescription, is find...
Like an old 2000s rom-com Pinterest-y movie quote about being single on Valentine's Day. Like from the house bunny or like something like that. Or like illegally blonde when she gets broken up with. Like her throwing popcorn at the thing. Put that on your story. And like if he doesn't catch the hint, then like it's not. You just end the lie and maybe try again later. Yeah. That's my prescription. I think that's really smart.
Really? Yeah. This is the first time you... That's exactly what I would do if I had fucked up like that. Like a cute little, not like a quote, but like a little like Pinterest moment. It's good because it gives her a chance to post a really sexy like post cry puffy face. Right back in because I'm actually curious how this is going to work out for you. I lied about having a boyfriend that lives in Seattle. That's your code word. Use it and you LMK girl. All right, this is the final one. Are you ready? Mm-hmm.
I feel like I just put you through hell. We have to revisit the girl with the burning UTI. Oh! Festering UTI. Can't leave her hanging. Probably took a lot of confidence for her to write that. In high school, I found out my boyfriend only asked me out on a date. Oh, only asked me out on a dare. I'm like, only? What do you want him to do, buy you a house? In high school, I found out my boyfriend only asked me out as a dare.
So on Valentine's Day, I was way too upset for this loser, but went up to him and slapped him hard. Okay. And? I'm just going to just, I, men suck. Ew, it's disgusting. So you called him your boyfriend. It only sounds like they had been on one date because he asked her out as a dare. So did they progress to being boyfriend girlfriend or was that like, this one's confusing. This is not going to be our last one. Okay.
I guess that was our last one. So let's revisit the UTI one, shall we? Okay. We're going to reread this for the pussies who have maybe joined us later or just forget like me. I cannot get rid of my UTI. It keeps coming back and I've been hooking up with this guy, but I'm pretending it's serious because I'm lonely. I've been pushing through sex, but I don't want to tell him.
My roommate's ex, also on a different note, is coming to visit for Valentine's Day. She asked me to go get rose petals for the bed. So alone. Anyways, I already asked this guy to be my valentine, and I'm so worried it's just gonna fester. I hate that word. I still don't know if you're talking about your romance or your UTI. I think she's talking about the UTI. What does fester mean? Have you been, like, laughing along this whole time? Wait. Wait.
Oh, like you don't want to take care of, you need to take care of your UTI, but you already asked this guy to be your Valentine and you don't want the UTI to continue on. Oh my God. That's what it is. Well, girl, I would put your health first. Dead ass. And don't just do this because you're lonely. That's my prescription for you. Why does he keep giving her UTIs though? Like I'm concerned. No, like she has a UTI and like keeps having sex through them and like. I took it as he keeps giving her them. Every time she fixes it, she gets another one.
I feel like we need more information. We need a little more information, but if you're worried about your UTI festering, I would definitely put your health first and not have sex with this guy on Valentine's Day just because you're lonely. Anywho. Okay, well, because you're here from London, I wanted to play this or that with you. Do you prefer this in L.A. or this in London? Okay. Is that okay with you? That's okay with me. Okay. This or that? Grocery stores, London or L.A.? L.A. Why? Why?
Oh, my God. Grocery stores in England are so depressing. They are. They're really gray and horrible. Is Marks and Spencer supposed to be... Huh? I just didn't expect that to come out your mouth. No, I'm... No way. Itzu. Wagamama. Oh, my God. Yo Sushi. Kind of sexy when you do it. Really? Mm-hmm. Thank you. Chinatang. I don't know what that is. It's amazing. Okay. Akamazing. Oh.
Have you been to Erewhon yet? Yeah. Thoughts? Love it. I actually left empty handed because I got really overwhelmed. But I like that they have valet. Yeah, it's fucking luxurious. And the valet guy gave me a free water. That's my favorite thing about LA is that the most mundane things are somehow the most luxurious. Like luxurious. Like in New York, the luxury part of New York, like the really like nice part that like you kind of just get is like the nightlife.
Like, that's where, like, they, like, I feel like invest a lot of their time. And, like, in L.A., like, it's the gym and the grocery store. True. Because no one wants to go out. Okay, this or that, London or L.A., traffic. London, I think. No, wait. You must be kidding. The traffic in London made me really question living. Like, that was the gnarliest thing I've ever been put through. Really? Yeah.
I don't know. I feel like it's not that bad. I don't go anywhere. In central London, it's really bad. In central London, yeah. But you know what you guys don't have that pisses me off? What? Roundabouts. Yeah, we don't, do we? Why? They're so convenient. Like, they make traffic go quicker because... What is a roundabout exactly? I don't drive. It's like...
How the fuck do you describe it? It's like a circle in the road that the cars go around and you just give way. If someone's coming, you just don't go. And then the second there's a spot to pull out, you go. And there'll be like three, four, five exits. Right. But so you guys have crossroads with traffic lights. Right. So then you have to wait your turn. Yeah. So London is better for traffic, it seems. I think. Nightclubs. I haven't gone out here. So London. Yeah. That's the obvious answer too. Is it? The nightlife here isn't great. Yeah.
Coffee or tea in London or LA? I think coffee here is definitely better. Yeah, I get that. You guys are obsessed with it. There's coffee shops everywhere. It's everything. One time I was in London for the... Okay, I don't know if this was a thing, how hot it was, but I've never been so hot in my life. It was one of the most intense heat waves I've ever been through. It was like two summers ago. In London? Yeah. It's fucking crazy because there's no air con. There's no air con. There's nowhere to cool off. There's also no ice.
Oh, yeah. I walked into a Pret-a-Manger and I was like, can I have an ice... Say that again. Pret-a-Manger. Again. Pret-a-Manger. So close. Is it Pret-a-Manger? No. Pret-a-Monger. Something like that. Yeah. Well, it said they had iced coffee on the menu. So I was like, okay, can I have an iced coffee? And they were like, what are you talking about? I was like, no. So not only do you not have air conditioning, you don't have iced coffee, even though it's on your menu and we're in a heat wave. It was one of the most...
Intense things I've ever dealt with in my life. So yeah, I would assume that the coffee is better here. But tea, I assume, is better in London. I don't know. I haven't even tried any tea out here because I just can't be bothered. I don't like tea. Really? Yeah. Fair enough. I know. I can't get into it. Okay, fast food. Oh, yeah, obviously. Yeah. But you didn't like... You said In-N-Out wasn't your fave? Like...
No. It wasn't that good. Yeah. But you guys just have more options here, which I appreciate. Although the McDonald's here is not as good. As the one in London? Yeah. I haven't tried McDonald's here, to be fair. But, like, I tried it when I was, like, 13, and I remember thinking it was fucking disgusting. Yeah, definitely. Like, rotting. I think the fast food is, like, better food quality in London. I'm trying to think of the places I would go to in London for fast food. I kind of forget on...
Honestly. There like aren't any. Yeah, there aren't any. I don't. Oh, I had Nando's once. That was good. Is that fast food? That's not fast. It's fast casual. I didn't know that was a choice. It's fast casual. Fast food. Fast casual is like, I don't know how to describe it. It's just like a little step up. Do you guys have Nando's here? No, I wish. It's really good though. I really liked it when we had it. I can't. I feel like I haven't had. I'm trying to think of like London chains that like, what are some London chains? I want to know if I like want to hit the spots. Mm hmm.
Do you like it, Sue? I've never been. Ugh, it's amazing. I remember Alfie Days always used to, do you know who that is? Mm-mm. Oh my God, do you know who that is? Who? You look like you would have liked Alfie Days. Who's Alfie Days? Okay. Like British. I know who Zoe, I know Zoella. Yeah, her husband. Yes, okay, I know who this is now.
Okay, I know who this is now. And he used to go to ITSU. I love ITSU. I like Wagamama. It's way better in London than it is here. Oh, you have Wagamamas here? Like, yeah. I had my birthday party there once in high school. And I got there and they did not have my reservation under. And it was like 10 people. And I actually, it was the worst moment of my life. This or that? Dating. Dating? Yeah. I've only ever dated in London, so I have to go with London.
Live shows, music, comedy, etc. Ooh, never been anywhere. I'm going to tell you right now, London's better. You've never been to a live show, period, or you've never been... Period, I think. A concert? No. That's really bad. I went to... I did not camp. I went to Glastonbury. Okay, so you have been to a concert. Fine, but I only went to one show. That was the only show you've ever seen? I saw a Lynn Garnon concert when I was like 14.
Oh, so you don't go to live shows, really? No, I guess...
That's so pathetic. No, it's not. But I think you would really like them. And I'll tell you right now, LA is not the place to start. The best live shows are in London. Oh, really? Yeah. London's known for having great crowds. You know, like Wireless Festival? Oh, no. Yeah, no. I could. Yeah. Like England, New Zealand, Australia. They're the good crowds. They just don't care about anyone else in LA. It's a very, like, everyone's hyper aware of everyone around them. And it's not a vibe. Okay. This or that. Parties. Parties.
Never been. Yeah, so London. Tourism. I feel like tourism in London is really good. Yeah, I think so too. It's fun. Like, you get it. Like, there's things to see. What the fuck is there to see in LA? No offense. The sign. That's it. Some houses. No, there's nothing to see in LA. I did get, I did take a tour the last time I was here. I went on one of the Beverly Hills tours. Did you actually? On like the TMZ bus? I don't know what it, yeah. Was it fun? When was the last time you were here? Uh, last...
late last year, October maybe. Yeah, that's my favorite time in LA. Favorite, not just because it's my birthday, but that does play a big part in it being my favorite time in LA. Okay, well, what did we learn today? You think? In the course of the Tell Me What's Wrongs, what was our biggest takeaway? Because I have mine.
I think I learned like 50 new words. Really? Yeah. Is there any that stood out to you? Was the one that he keeps saying? Akka? Akka. Yeah. Akka amazing. It's like a prefix. Akka excuse me. It stands for acapella. So have you seen Pitch Perfect? I got that it stood for acapella. I just don't know why. Because in Pitch Perfect, they're like really big acapella people and they say, Akka excuse me?
Like, that's Akamazing. So I just, me and my friends kind of adapted that. So cute. Yeah. So I guess what you took away is the new word, or the new prefix, Aka. And what I took away was that
You should always put like if you're like considering having sex with a guy, but like we actually maybe no, that's not what I took away. Oh, what I took away is I'm still very curious how one shits on the floor of a party and continues partying without making it a big deal. So if that has happened to you, please, I'm begging you right in and tell me your story. I've never been more curious for anything in my entire life. Maybe you'll get the actual girl. I'm begging. I would pay money. I'd pay money and I'd send you merch for life.
Madeline, thank you so much for coming on. Did you have fun? I did. Okay, promise. I love you. Can we go now? Yeah. Oh, that was really fun. Was that good? Oh, fuck, I forgot one thing. Sorry, I always forget you guys. Oh, your session's up. Thank you for joining us at Therapist Today with the queen, Madeline, who is the coolest person ever. Thank you for coming on, Madeline. You are the best.
Smart cookies.