‘The War of the Roses’ With Bill Simmons, Mallory Rubin, and Amanda Dobbins
01:42:35 Share

This might be the best quarterback draft class in years. And we have huge franchises like Chicago, New England, and Washington with a ton on the line. My name is Craig Horlbeck and I host the Ringer NFL Draft Show with Danny Kelly, Ben Solak, and Danny Heifetz. We cover trades, free agency, the draft obviously, everything. We'll tell you all about which quarterbacks are going to be good, which quarterbacks are going to be bad, like Kenny Pickett, and if there's a diamond in the rough, like Brock Purdy. Follow us at the Ringer NFL Draft Show on Spotify.

On August 16th, the scariest movie of the summer, Alien Romulus is coming to theaters everywhere, including IMAX. This movie looks terrifying, and I cannot wait to see it. Alien Romulus comes from Fede Alvarez, the director of intense horror movies like Evil Dead and Don't Breathe, and it is produced...

by the legendary Ridley Scott, the mastermind behind iconic films like Blade Runner and the original Alien. Can't wait for this one. Alien Romulus, rated R, in theaters everywhere, August 16th. Get your tickets now. This episode is brought to you by USAA Homeowners Insurance. No matter how many times you've seen it, USAA is a crowd pleaser, serving our military veterans and veterans.

and their eligible family members. USAA delivers award-winning service and peace of mind. And filing a claim is easy and reliable. Visit USAA.com slash homeowners to learn more and get a quote. Ability to receive a quote depends on membership eligibility. Membership eligibility and product restrictions apply and are subject to change. USAA means United Services Automobile Association and its affiliates, San Antonio, Texas.

The Rewatchables is brought to you by the Ringer Podcast Network. We can find the big picture with Amanda Dobbins. Yes. You can find House of R as part of the Ringerverse Network with Mallory Rubin. You can find the Bill Simmons Podcast. You can find Rock Bottom Month on the Rewatchables, which I think people thought was going to just be this sad, depressing month where we do like Requiem for a Dream and Million Dollar Baby. There's certain movies that aren't rewatchable. I would say Requiem for a Dream, like great movie.

I wouldn't want to sit through it again. I don't know why I wanted to sit through Manchester by the Sea three times, but that movie's an amazing movie. Beautiful movie. I joined the chorus of people who went, oh my God, as soon as it showed up on my feed. And I listened to it. It was a great podcast. Yeah, listen, we're just trying to have good podcasts here. Yeah, wonderful film. But I'll never rewatch that movie. Well, here's a movie we've all rewatched many times. War of the Roses. There's no winning in this movie. There's only degrees of losing. War of the Roses is next. I just want to smash your face in. Come on.

Guess what Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner and Danny DeVito are doing for Christmas? We're making a love story. When trouble begins, it comes at you from directions you'd never expect. The yellow areas are mine. The red areas are hers. This seems rational to you both? I got more square footage. The War of the Roses. Rated R.

All right. The children of divorce are here. Here we are. This is so real. We're back, baby. This is big. I miss Kramer versus Kramer. Yeah. This is our first Rewatchables together, ever. No, that's not true. Is that true? I think so. Come on.

That can't be true. I guess maybe rewatchables. Yeah. So first of all, just test run for witness right here, right now. Next year's the third quarter year anniversary. Great. Get witness on the books. Sure. We got Harrison right here. There he is. So I miss Kramer versus Kramer. Sorry. No, it's all right. It was a great month and I listened to that podcast at home and had a lot of feelings. But this might actually be the more on point child divorce movie for me.

Interesting. It's an important cinematic pantheon for all of us. And I think that your mood of the moment probably dictates what divorce movie is on your personal Mount Rushmore at any given moment in time because the tone shifts so supremely. Now, I am always personally inclined toward the...

ones that introduce a deep and abiding level of despair. But every now and then, it's nice to laugh. Like a squid and the whale type of just... Love squid and the whale. Yeah. That could have been another rock bottom one. Marriage Story. Marriage Story is my number one of the Boundback divorce odes, but, you know, of which there are several. I only watched that once. I didn't...

I just can't do that one again. It's made me weep every single time. And so that's different. There are the divorce films that give the emotional response. Yes, exactly. And then the films that just set up rage and bitterness. Well, the divorce movie Pantheon, if we were just going to pick four. What's interesting is I think Kramer versus Kramer and War of the Rose have to be on it no matter whose list it is. Yes. And then the other two are kind of up to the person.

And I don't think there's a right answer. Like you could put heartburn, which I know is probably in yours, right? Well,

No? It's not about the divorce as much. It happens pretty quickly at the end that she leaves him. Yeah. So that's more about infidelity and a lot of it's about them getting together. So it's like a prison movie where we're not in prison enough. Yeah, exactly. Yes. I have, for me, it's irreconcilable differences would be in my top four. Incredible movies. Which you can't find. So hard to see now. Yeah, it's just gone. I don't know if there's something illegal that happened in it or what, but it's just gone. Yeah.

- Great pick. - And then probably Squid and the Whale as number four. - Yeah, I think so for me too. I love that movie. - I think mine is Mrs. Doubtfire.

for the child perspective. That's a good call. Yeah. And it came out at the right time. That's really smart. You know, when I was going through that. You know, that's really smart because you think of it as a Robin Williams movie, but it's really a divorce movie. Also, like for people our age, the experience of watching that with each of your parents as a child of divorce and like, did the experience differ depending on which of your parents you were watching to? That speaks to a healing process with both of your parents that I never had. I was alone in my third room watching this movie.

and not talking about it with them, but that's beautiful. We were a very media-inclined family, you know? It is weird that there haven't been more iconic divorce movies. Should we make one? What do they say? Like 50% of marriages end in divorce? Yeah. And we barely have enough for a divorce movie pantheon? They say two things. They say 50% of marriages end in divorce, and they say a civilized divorce is a contradiction in terms. Thank you, Gavin.

Well, there's a whole 80s piece in this that somebody, I can't wait for producer Craig's take on this movie later. He did not know what it was. Cannot wait. But there's this 80s piece of it that's hard to explain now these years later where Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner were the Hepburn and Tracy of the 80s. Sure were. And it seemed like they were going to make 20 movies together.

Somehow this was the last one. I think part of the shock value of this movie was that people loved Romance in the Stone. They didn't like Jewel of the Nile as much, but they just liked them together. You're glad that they're back. Yeah, it's just like, I just like these two in a movie. So it's like, oh, but they're making more of the roses. That'll be fun. It's a black comedy. Ah, how bad can it be? And then the last hour they try to kill each other and they end up both dead in a chandelier. And people were shocked. Yeah.

And it was really effective. And I'm glad the studio didn't say, you got to change the ending. They got to live and have them get up. And he broke some ribs and she broke her arm, but they're fine. No, they died. And the movie ended. They're dead. They're very dead. But do you remember the shock value of that as you were growing up? Like, oh my God, I can't believe they actually died. Well, I don't think Mal and I wouldn't have seen it when it came out. But you've seen that cable the first time you saw it. And this was also part of just like a larger Michael Douglas thing.

goes dark discovery for me because of my age. The first Michael Douglas movie I saw was The American President. Yeah. And I saw it about a hundred times. And it's still the most important movie in your life. And I mean, it's really, he's one of our great movie presidents. And then I discovered Basic Instinct and what's the rabbit movie that I, Fatal Attraction. I just couldn't remember the title. The rabbit movie. Yeah, the whole thing.

He was the president before you watched his balls swing on the way to the bathroom. So you go back and you're just like, oh, Michael Douglas, you were not up to good things. And so everything that he did to me from like 87 to 94. Disclosure. There's another one. Disclosure. This is bad. Top three. I don't really want this blowjob, but I also kind of want it. Reaction by an actor. Single-way female. Top three just for Michael Douglas. Just for Michael Douglas. Go up.

Oh, baby. Oh, okay. I don't know. Yeah. It's a genre he excels in. Yeah. Right. I love that you brought up his balls swinging and basic instinct. Thank you. Because we broke it down when we did the rewatchables about it. A memorable segment. For some reason, did really well on YouTube, that episode.

And I don't know if people just search for Basic Instinct on YouTube. Also like early COVID days, you know, we were all trying to figure out how to pass the time. What our place was. Yeah. And it turned out to be Michael Douglas's balls. Thinking about ice picks and swinging balls. Hey, Roxy. Let's have a talk. So Douglas and Turner, this was it. And the biggest reason this was it was because Turner, she started to have a ton of health problems and her career went in a different direction. Yeah.

But man, when I was growing up in the 80s, she was like my platonic ideal for like, someday I hope I get to marry somebody like Kathleen Turner. She was Julia Roberts for Julia Roberts making more interesting choices. Yes, but also just the sex appeal on Eleven from the very beginning. Crossed with comedy. Yeah, and she's very funny, but she's also just out there, the voice...

The way that she's playing the roles. The legs. It's very different from America's Sweetheart. The combination of those two factors, the sex appeal and the humor in this movie is calibrated to perfection from the word go. The handstand. Yeah. I can't.

We just know exactly the movie that we're going to watch. The handstand and the bralessness, which is also just right there. I love the rain. Good for them. I love it too as I stare at your very present nipples through your completely transparent white blouse. Yeah, she's going wet shirt within 10 minutes of the movie. Wonderful. Yeah, she had...

Because she's in Man with Two Brains, which is not a great movie. But, you know, if you love Steve Martin, and if you love Steve Martin, I'm probably still a documentary. It's wonderful. But I like that movie because I liked every Steve Martin movie. And she comes in coming off body heat, throwing like 119 miles an hour. And basically kept that going for the entire decade. Yeah. And made some bad ones. There's some stinkers. She made that Burt Reynolds movie that was atrocious. Yes. She made that really weird Ken Russell movie.

Where she was at like a housewife by day and a hooker by night. Crimes of Passion. Oh, right. That movie's insane. I mean, that's like, that's probably not even allowed on streamers. She famously wanted, she wanted, she wanted nine and a half weeks and they didn't cast her. And she was like devastated. She lobbied for it. Do you think that's how they pitched it at the studios? What? Housewife by day, hooker by night. By the way, great idea for a prestige show.

Sure. I mean, in the Tinder era? Specifically for a prestige show on Showtime that only we watch. And Showtime doesn't even exist anymore. Yeah, where would that go now? I mean, it would go on Showtime on Paramount Plus, I think. I feel like it would go on that weird part of Netflix where every once in a while... Oh, Starz would be interesting. Starz is a fire call. Netflix doesn't quite have enough sex. No. Yeah. Anyway, she was...

It felt like she was, if not the biggest actress of the 80s, she was at least in the conversation. I would, the way I would compare her to somebody now would probably be like with less Oscars, but like kind of Emma Stone, how Emma Stone takes weird chances. And it's just like you're prepared for anything from her from an IMDb standpoint. Because Emma Stone could have been in Romance in the Stone. She also easily could have been in War of the Roses. And I feel like she also would have

Made Crimes of Passion, just said, fuck it. Yes. I don't know whether she would be in Body Heat. Yeah, that's only a few actions could have pulled out Body Heat. And listen, Poor Things has a lot of sexual content, but it's in a different tone. It's a very funny tone. I think she's great in that movie. But she's sort of like Kathleen Turner and Julia Roberts combined. Yeah, that's a good point. I don't know who Kathleen Turner is now. Wow.

I don't know if it exists. Scarlett was kind of dancing around it there for a few years. Like Match Point was a Kathleen Turner role. Margot Robbie started that way and then became Barbie. It could be Jennifer Lawrence if she wanted it. Oh, if she wanted it. Look at Craig's challenging Jennifer Lawrence. But she also has a screwball side to her that she's very good at. Yeah, I guess that's true. Lauren says the physicality. Yeah. Okay. Canis Everdeen. Sure.

We should talk about this now. Weirdly, we had already decided we were doing this, and they announced this week they're remaking it. I know, it's incredible. Remaking War of the Roses with Benedict Cumberbatch. And Olivia Colman. And Olivia Colman. And I don't know if I like it. What do you think of this casting choice? I don't like it. Two of our great actors. I go where Olivia Colman goes. Yeah, this is how I feel. I get it. That's where I am. It's not my choice for her, I guess. Sure, but I think that she can do nasty really well. Yeah. And she is...

sort of fearless in that she'll just be really, really weird on screen. Benedict Cumberbatch seems like a more surprising one, I think. I don't see them married. Right. That's a weird couple. Well, I guess the key, right, the thing that you have to be able to nail in the pairing inside of the roses is, like, you have to believe they would be attracted to each other almost, like, recklessly initially. Yeah. But utterly incompatible.

Both of those things have to be true. They need to be hot. And Coleman and Cumberbatch are not hot enough. They're more adult. That's right. This starts... They're supposed to be in their 20s, and now they're... Maybe it's a different War of the Roses thing. I mean, sure. This is a question, too, because, like, not to jump ahead to discussing the details of the film, but what level of ferocity from the final 45 minutes of this movie will be present in a modern-day version of it? Where... Right. Right.

Yeah, it's like either of them could kill the other. Like, how do you dance around that line in 2024? I don't know. Yeah, it's an interesting because this is a beloved, like classic movie that is harder to make in 2024 than it was in 89. Yes, absolutely. I mean, there is like a blowjob attack.

There is a full That was the original name of the movie. Blowjob attack. They tested it. I mean, Kathleen Turner just like absolutely rocks him in the face. Yeah. You know, which you don't you don't see that much in domestic circumstances anymore. Well, then he says next time I'll hit back. Yeah. That's right. She has a lot of bruises after she does the cartwheels down there, which you know what? That doesn't totally line up for me. But just but she has them. So that's ugly. Yeah.

So she's body heat. I'm just, these are the highlights. Body heat, romance in the stone, Pritzy's honor, Pegasus got married.

She was the voice in Who Framed Roger Rabbit, which was a massive deal. Yes. Because that was a huge influential movie. And then War of the Roses. And this is all in the 80s. I mean, she made 12 movies. Douglas, we've talked about the Douglas Sons many times. It really starts with Romance in Stone in 84. Yeah. And then from 87 on, when he rips off Fatal Attraction, Wall Street, Black Rain, War of the Roses, Shining Through. Yeah.

Basic instinct, falling down, disclosure, American president, ghost of the darkness in the game. It's just like hit after hit. What a guy. Fatal attraction to Wall Street in the same year is unbelievable. Like if he was baseball, the batting, his stats would have just been crazy. He'd be a member of the Norfolk Tides this year. He'd be one of the Orioles prospects at AAA. His 600th, you know? Where,

We're getting into baseball on the big pick right now because the Mets are just absolutely a shambles. So I'm more up to date than you would think. Yeah. Fair. But this, out of all those movies, this and like only the stuff he did with Kathleen Turner was the comedy stuff. And I actually think he was really good at the comedy and the back and forth. And I just wonder why he didn't do more of it.

I would like to ask you if you are familiar with a character called Hank Pym. Oh, God. I knew that we were going to do this, Bill. Because, but I'm excited to tell you that more Michael Douglas comedy awaits.

in the MCU. Oh, we're doing this? Oh my God. So here's, I am delighted to tell you that Michael Douglas is funny as Hank Pym in the MCU. Don't say anything else. In the Ant-Man movies. And let me, who has seen two of the three Ant-Man movies, but honestly, I don't remember whether I saw one and two or two. I saw three.

You definitely saw Quantumania because we podcasted about it together. And you tried to explain the science. I remember it vividly. But he's like a, he's an elderly scientist who was married to Michelle Pfeiffer. Correct. Oh. But then she got trapped in a different. My girl. Yeah, she got trapped in a different universe. In the quantum world. So they don't really. Yeah. And his power is that he can, can he make, what's,

What's with the ants? He was Ant-Man before Scott became Ant-Man. But what is Ant-Man's power? It just can be really small. Well, it's the Pym Particles. You know, you can get smaller. I don't know. You can turn into a giant man. You can get bigger. But also, he's a scientific genius. Oh. The ties to... But he's just like Grandpa in the corner being like, why don't you make it smaller, son? It's great. It's quite amusing. That's what he's doing in this movie? It's so sad. Oh, no. No, it's not sad. It's wonderful. It's inspired. He is incredibly charismatic when he's on screen in these otherwise...

just computer nightmares. Evangeline Lilly plays his daughter. Right. And Evangeline Lilly and Michelle Pfeiffer now just have reached the age where they look the same age and will forever. So that's like another. And then Michael Douglas is aging very well, but looks about 30 years older than both of them. He's very charming. And then he has to go away and there are lots of ants. Check it out. We had a lot of...

We had a lot of A-plus list male stars in the 80s. We always talk about this, but Costner's on the rise.

Douglas is at his peak. Harrison Ford, your guy. I mean, untouched. Yeah. Denzel's coming. Cruise is here. There's just a, you know, I wonder like who gets pushed out. Great moment for movie stars. Michael Douglas because he thought like a producer and had this whole producer background as he was an actor and just knew what was commercial over and over and over again. You don't see that many people

that's 30 years later or 40 years later, we're like, oh, that was a classic. That was a classic. That was a classic. The taste was spot on. Yeah. And he's one of the most... I mean, his taste was some of the most rewatchable that we've had in this podcast. I don't know where he ranks in the all-time leaders, but it's got to be pretty high up there. So yeah, these two together...

This was about as marketable as it was gonna get. And also we had Danny DeVito directing. I have some complicated thoughts about that. Sure. Don't we all? I'm excited to hear that. Yeah, we can save that for later. But Danny DeVito was also a really big star in the 80s. I mean, this is, he's doing the Schwarzenegger movies. He's always the third wheel with these two and was on a really great run. So you have that. $26 million budget made $160 million. Not bad. 13th highest grossing movie in 1989. Yeah.

Our guy Raj. Yeah. Three stars. Okay. Yeah. The War of the Roses is a black, angry, bitter, unrelenting comedy. A war between the sexes that makes James Thurber's work on the same subject look almost resigned by comparison. But Raj likes story. He sure does. This movie had some story. I wanted to save a lot for the categories because there's a lot of ways to go. There's when is like the rewatchable scenes part.

Should Danny DeVito even really be in this movie? Right. How do we feel about the directing? How do we feel about the ending? We'll get to it all when we get to the categories right after this break.

This episode is brought to you by USAA Auto Insurance. No matter how many times you've seen it, USAA is a crowd pleaser with USAA. You get award-winning service that's easy and reliable with 24-7 online claims. For our military community, it's a service that goes above and beyond. Add a great value. Get a quote at USAA.com.

slash auto ability to receive a quote depends on membership eligibility, membership eligibility and product restrictions apply and are subject to change. USAA means United Services Automobile Association and its affiliates, San Antonio, Texas. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Finding out Mint Mobile has unlimited talk, text and data plans for only 15 bucks when you buy a three month plan is kind of exhilarating. It's hard to believe something that good

can be true it's like the first time you watch one of the great old shows maybe you're a little younger than me and you're like you know what i'll give i'll give the sopranos a shot and then your your four episodes in you're like oh my god i can't believe that's this good

That's this deal with Mint Mobile. It's this good. To get this new customer offer, just go to mintmobile.com slash rewatch. That is mintmobile.com slash rewatch. $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month for a first three-month plan only. Speed slower above 40 GB on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. Okay. Most rewatchable scene.

So this, it's not really a rewatchable scene, but I do like when they're young in Nantucket, which is in Nantucket, they're like in Washington pretending it was Nantucket. Can I just do my nitpick now? Go. That's just absolutely not Nantucket. It's not even close. That's your nitpick from that sequence? Oh my God. Not that Michael Douglas is 40

There's that too. He's a law student. Okay. They accept people at all ages. He took a gap year. They are college students. I'm sorry. This is. She's an undergraduate gymnast is actually way harder to believe that he is just age wise that him being a law student. Here's a new thing that I. I think all of this makes it rewatchable though because it's so ridiculous. Were you watching this?

A thing that I realized was now a new sacred belief of mine is that from here on, when people have a debate about whether de-aging has a place in movies, I will point to this and say this is why it is okay to de-age Harrison Ford in Dial of Destiny or to de-age actually Michael Douglas in the MCU as Hank Pym.

There's a worse one. The natural with Roy Hobbs. Yeah. Redford's like 16 or 17 going in and they have to like light it in a dark way for him and Glenn Coast. He's an ageless one. He's 48 playing a 16 or 17 year old or however old he is. Yeah.

That's tough. It's not Nantucket. The ferry is not just like a rowboat that they pull up to the island in Nantucket. Nantucket is the capital of all of the buildings. Also, just film in Nantucket. Nantucket would be like, we're happy to have them. Yeah.

I didn't understand that. Yeah, I don't either. I gotta catch the ferry. It's like, well, you're not in Nantucket. What part of the Cape are you in? You don't just run downhill to the ferry. They had to get as quickly as possible under that like sateen bedding for their first fuck. So I don't know if this is a rewatchable scene, but it probably is just that whole part because it's so ridiculous. No, no, just like wigs.

Oh, the Nantucket. Yeah. I'm not saying it's a good scene, but I think it's really fun to watch. Never, never, never apologize. For being multi-orgasmic? For being multi-orgasmic. Yeah. I honestly didn't know I was. Yeah. But you knew she's lying. That's the first lie of the relationship. Just exceptional. Exceptional stuff. It's the return of the bald Avenger. Fantastic movie moment. I have no notes. None. Okay.

I have the first big dinner scene leading to the bedroom argument. Right. Oh, man. Yeah. DeVito. Although I will say for rewatch was I like when she finds the house and walks in and it's a funeral and she's like, oh, my God, it's my destiny. Yeah. Destiny lives. That's so great.

And just like the writing notes everywhere at various houses. Yeah. And the kids being like, this has never worked. Yeah. She's been doing it for a year. Yeah. The dinner scene on the DeVito front, the fact that he's directing the movie, he's one of the like ultimately leads of the movie. Certainly given the framing device, he has like an astonishing amount of the runtime. And part of the story that he gives himself is I'm going to get a foot job at the table. Yeah. This is just astonishing stuff.

Yeah, you're almost like, why didn't you cut this out of your own movie? I'm sorry.

I really like, though, because it's all going good and we know it's going to go badly. But when she tries to tell the story and he's like coaching her and then he takes over and correcting her French and you just go into all the times you've gone to dinner with friends or whatever. You're like, oh, no, I've deeply relatable. You've been sitting there next to your spouse who is telling a story and you're just like, no, I'm not. I'm not going to take over. But that's not how it goes. Right. But that's not. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I looked at Oliver, and Oliver looked at me. And then... Oh, no. Well, before that, there was this big black limousine out on the street. Now, now, this is important. Well, actually, before the limousine... To make a long story short, a wealthy French couple had ordered a special design for their anniversary, and by the time it was ready, they were getting a divorce. So the woman had smashed her half, and I convinced the man to sell us his half cheap, just to spite her. And, uh, that's our...

The best part of it is, in fact, I think the debrief in their bedroom after the fact. Like, which part is actually more relatable? The cringeworthy nature of, like, watching your partner struggle through something that you teed them up for and then immediately regret? Yeah. Or that moment after where you are just eviscerating each other, not for, like, the substance of the thing you said, but ultimately who you are. Like, when she mocks his laugh...

And that phony laugh. That was a genuine laugh. Okay. All right, all right. Maybe I overdid it. I was just trying to keep things going.

It's just unbelievable. I also love when she says you care so desperately what everyone thinks. Fuck face. Just like tax on that fuck face for good measure. It's great. Oh, I had, I guess I had this out of line or out of order because I had Barb finds her dream house as one of the rewatchable. Yeah. Um, Barb talking to the live in land, Danny, um,

About whether she should hire her or not. And then she ends up hiring her, but her whole... As she's laying out what her life is like. Like her fake women's lib speech of just being like, I need that. But, you know, she's full of shit. But trying to go through it, it's really good. This is real. Like, I saw the monologue in Barbie once. You know, I time travel. It's really true. I gotta say, I really feel like she was a great actress. Oh, she was. Yeah. Unbelievable. This scene in particular. I don't even know if she...

I don't think she ever won an Oscar or anything like that, but I just feel like... I think she's doing high-end stuff in this. She's funny as hell. She's sexy as hell. She's kind of making fun of herself, spoofing herself. She's playing off Douglas in all the right ways. I'm just a huge fan. I... Near heart attack, but then...

Him snoring in bed and her sitting there and then finally just getting mad and plugging her fingers up the nose. Really good. I mean, really, this is when the movie becomes the movie. This is the moment right here. It's very brief, but the gymnastics sexual assault, basically. It's not assault. They're having sex. But when she does, in fact, give him the tear via the gymnastics callback. The official medical staff.

medical stances that could not cause a tear. Sure, it could not be possible, but that's a good bit. Before the fingers in the nose, though, the preceding scene, which is him dramatically reading his letter to her. Yeah. I think this is like art of the highest order. I cherish you. I thank merciful God for you. I didn't have the strength to sign it. I'm sure they would have told me who it was from.

This is astonishing to me, this scene. Like, I just think this is unbelievable. The way that he is, like, recounting what happened, right? He gets to a line where he also can't read his handwriting. He's like, this is where I had a spasm. Yeah. The best part, I think, is when he says that he didn't have the strength to sign it because he wants to earn her pity. And she says, I'm sure they would have told me who it was from. And, like, the look...

It's so good. It's really, really good. And this is before she says basically, like, I just I don't want to be with you anymore. But you can feel obviously in that moment. Like it is just perfection. Well, that leads to very upset. I got scared because I felt happy. You were happy because I was dead. I was happy to be free. Like a weight had been lifted. Like a weight had been lifted. Yeah. So how am I supposed to respond? You tell me you wished I was dead.

I thought it was important. I just happened to be free, like a weighted but lifted. He's like, what's going on? And the divorce request. And then finally, Mad, is this the part you like the most when he says, you owe me a reason that makes sense. Let's hear it. And she goes, because. Because when I watch you eat, when I see you asleep, when I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.

Yeah, that's also really relatable content. You know, like you've been with someone for a long time and it's just like, what if we ate meals in separate rooms so that I didn't have to hear you? Let's just know, as Jacoby says, no bad ideas in a brainstorm. The way that Barbara is watching Oliver cut his steak. Yeah. The absolute disdain on her face watching it.

It's just, it's wonderful. I don't know if another movie has ever captured

This specifically in like a funnier way. Right. Where he's cutting steak and she's just, and you could just, you read everything she's thinking and she's like, if I could just make the chandelier fall on him now, I would. Because for her in this movie, there is no counteracting emotion attached to it. And in all of the divorce movies, it's like someone is already mourning what they had and don't you remember this like lovely time that we spent in Nantucket or whatever? And she is just like,

I absolutely hate you and hate this. I have outgrown you and I exclusively resent the fact that you're a part of my life. There is no regret. And he's trying to do the everything I did is you were a part of and she just hates his guts. And then

That scene ends with him saying, you better get yourself a good lawyer. And she says, best your money can buy. That scene's unbelievable. That's one of the better scenes of the late 80s. We get the divorce mediation. Oh, yeah. When she says, I want the house. She uses the letter against him. You need something like that where it's like, oh, you're going to do that? Real. This is getting, we're rolling the sleeves up already? Yeah.

That's when he says, excuse me, Mr. Wormat, you tiny, worm-like, infinitesimal prick. He has some great lines in that scene. By showing him my letter, you have sunk below the deepest layer of prehistoric frog shit at the bottom of the New Jersey scum swamp. The specificity of New Jersey there is an excellent touch, I think. There's a short scene when they're fighting and...

The multi-orgasmic part. And she says, you really expect me to keep reassuring you sexually, even though now we discussed each other. And he pulls away and the kids are right there holding groceries. Unbelievable. They're doing like the George Michael slow satirist development walk. Great reaction shot. That part's great. Really good. My personal favorite scene in the movie when Oliver runs over the cat is great.

I actually This made me so happy That we're doing this with Mal I do resent the fact That you asked me to participate In this podcast for this reason For when there was a cat murder Yeah

This is terrible. Was it murder or manslaughter? I think it was involuntary manslaughter. He didn't see the cat. Exactly. But he also didn't care. Sure. This is just devastating. Also, like, there's no intent. He did care. There was cat guts on his car. He had to wash the cat off the car. Yeah, he had to quickly spritz the wheel and ask Susan to go get a Ziploc. Yeah, big Ziploc.

Get that cat out of there. Poor Benny watching what happens to Kitty. Yeah. The weeping in the grass. I mean, this is awful. I have some more thoughts coming on the pets. Barbara goes to visit Gavin, Danny DeVito's character. Yeah. To try to seduce him. Yep. Have you ever made angry love? This is just Turner. Sir. Just cooking. Any other kind? I haven't been into foot stuff since 82. Right. That one kills me. And then we go off the rails. We have a dinner for the clients.

I think this is my favorite scene, I'm just going to tell you now, where he pees on the fish. Sure, yeah. Uh-huh. Yep. Even so soon, baby dog. A family tiff seems to be developing. I don't know if we should leave, but I definitely advise skipping the fish course. Oh, my goodness. Oh, oh.

I mean, and then it escalates immediately to the car. The monster truck. The monster truck drives over the car. They start throwing statues and China at each other. I do like when the guy says, I definitely advise skipping the fish course. It's a great line. Yeah. Before we build toward Oliver actually just like literally pissing on the fish, the subtlety, it's all relative, right? The subtlety of just like pretending to have a cold. Yeah. You enter, you sneeze in front of the guests.

But your tissue in the suit. It's not exactly as subtle to me. Yeah, the tissue in the suit was not subtle. Six feet all over the table. But it's all relative. I mean, when the point of comparison is pissing on the fish. But he's in the top hat and tails and then an untucked t-shirt, which is really funny. Yeah, it's good. They have a dinner. She makes doggy pate. Yeah. Wow. A good dog to the last bite.

Thankfully, we get that cut to Benny. Yeah. Thank God. I have some thoughts on that later. Okay. The movie goes off the rails again. And I don't even know how to describe the last 10 minutes, but it leads to the chandelier swing and the ending. Sure. Mm-hmm.

Which I would give the Great Shack Order Award for most cinematic shot as the things coming down. It's just really well done. It feels like it's like a hundred foot drop. It's like probably 20. How about another moment though, like the harbinger that leads to that point when Oliver is like using his Baccarat crystals for his little personal symphony and we pan up the

Pass his face to the chandelier Oh yeah yeah yeah Oh okay Oh that's a good one That's a good one And then the very end When she moves his hand Is just such a great ending Yeah Using your final breath To say fuck you One more time Is just Unbelievable So what do you got What's your favorite scene

I just wanted to add in one quick thing, which is when... Is it him calculating what her equivalent to Susan's salary would be? No, that's really good. Well, she goes to classes, too. It's when the Christmas tree is lit on fire and he brings the fire extinguisher and then he has to read the instructions. No, he has to read the instructions and he's like, part one, take off

And that is genuinely really funny. And every time I see a fire extinguisher. Great physical comedy. Yes, exactly. Yeah. So what do you have for most? My pick is if it is eligible as a it's technically two scenes, but one sequence, it's Oliver reading his letter into Barbara plugging the nostrils. I'm going to say she wants the course. I think that's just matched. I think mine has to be the dinner party into the car into the Stafford shirt. Yeah.

And also like when they start throwing at each other, it's like just a good action scene. The DeVito who I have complicated feelings on with the direction, but that seems like good. It's fun to watch this stuff flying around. What's aged the best? The Rose, the house is incredible. They did a great job. It's like as a prop for when this becomes like an action thriller, basically inside the house. It's just really good. Creepy attic.

For sure. Like there's a balcony. There's good stairs to go down. They can kind of use it and run around. The kitchen's cool. Sauna in the basement. Sauna in the basement. The layout is good. I do have some discussion points on the house later on. Okay. Yeah. Hold them. But it sets up the action. So you're right. As a person.

As a plot piece, it's serving the film well. It's a good action location. Matt, what do you got for what stage is the best? I'll save mine. You know, we already covered this, but I do think the ultimate pick here has to just be Douglas and Turner not just as sex symbols, but as comedic geniuses. Like that, both of them used in that way, but then the particular chemistry and rhythm that they have together is just incredible. Wait, hold that thought. Okay. Does it make you sad that we don't really have that anymore? Oh, yeah.

You mean like could Gosling and Emma Stone do this particular? It would be just have a run where they do like seven movies together. They could. They've done. I don't feel like anybody would do that because in the old days, like when this started in the 40s and 50s, the studio would just be like, you're doing this. Right. You had no agency over your own career.

And now I think it would be much harder to just align. Because even like they were supposed to make these, Turner and Douglas, because I read the, there was a 91 Premier Magazine interview with her, which was, she's throwing grenades everywhere. I bet. But she said there was a fourth movie that they were talking about doing, but they never. Right. So they did three, but they probably could have done seven. Particularly like a romantic pair, whether it's like, you know, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan or.

Oh, that's a good one. So many did Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. They just did two. No, they did three because Joe and the Volcano, right?

Yeah, I guess that counts. Yeah, I mean, it does. It's not hallowed in the same way, but it counts. Cruise and Val Kilmer, too. Sure, that's very beautiful. Yeah, they had a great love. But I guess some of it is just because you don't get that many movies centered around a man and a woman anymore. They just aren't interested in that in the same way. They've kind of run out of ideas for how to do relationship movies. I guess so. And also, people don't seem to want to go see them. What's your dream couple?

I feel like Gosling could have done this. I mean, he did with Emma Stone for a while. The Barbie movie made me wonder, like, if he could have just had this weird 2020s version of a Michael Douglas career as he hit his 40s. I think he could have. What about Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence?

How many did they make together? They just done one. No, they did three. They were in American Hustle the next year and then they were in. Yeah. It's not called Sabrina, but it's something here. Let me look at this right now. There was another movie that like basically got buried that they were in together. We got some great energy from Gosling and Crazy Stupid Love. Great.

I like that career he's put together. Serena. Yeah. What was, what were you, what'd you have for your next, what stage is the best? Um, let's see. Okay.

We already talked about the depiction of the stage of marriage where every single thing a person does annoys you to your, like, the fiber of your being. Here's what, I'm going to put this one out there. I mean, that's just, to be fair, that's just marriage. It's just marriage. It's just marriage. Get ready, Craig. Craig's done the honeymoon phase. He is. I'm going to throw this out there. I think it's a, it could go in what's aged the best or it could go in what's aged the worst. I'm curious for everybody to cast a vote. Mm-hmm.

the framing device. The fact that we are accessing this story, this great saga of the roses through Gavin's legal practice. Is this a worse or a best? Let's hold this. Okay. Hold it. Okay. I have a different spot for that combo. How about the very specific, it's not just that Barbara's interested in pursuing a catering career, pursuing economic freedom, pursuing her purpose and her own sense of self, her individuality. It's

Liver pate. It's the very specific presence of liver pate in...

dozens of scenes in this movie. And it doesn't look very nice. Are you pro or anti? Pate? Yeah. I will eat it. I don't like to know what type of liver. The less I know, the better. I'm out. The fact that this choice in this movie allows for a line like Oliver saying, you sold liver to our friends. It is very funny. Is an inspired choice that I enjoy.

You mentioned the house. I'm interested to hear more of your house thoughts. But I think specifically like the house as the one thing, like alimony. She's going to let it go, right? They're not really. I mean, their kids are, you know, they've both been accepted to Harvard. Not sure if you've heard. But there aren't a lot of other aspects of the divorce that they're haggling over. It is about one thing. And then that one thing represents everything. The dream house that becomes the nightmare house.

What do you have? For what's aged the best? Yeah, you have anything? Sitting at opposite ends.

opposite ends of the dinner table to prove you hate each other just all time. I would never. I don't think there's a single situation in my life where I would have sat on the opposite ends of a long dinner table like that. Why wouldn't you just sit like in the seat right there? Visual language. Oh, this isn't going well. They're sitting across from each other. The leaving all the appliances on trick is really good. And I might try to incorporate that in my life. I didn't like that because it makes it harder for me to believe that she's an animal lover. It's too risky with pets.

Okay, that's fair. And I guess I didn't think also about the child stuff. And I would also probably like I don't have one of those countertop mixers. So I'd have to bring more things into the counter to really get the volume that I'm achieving. But it's just it's create it's creativity. Locking someone in the sauna. Pretty good. As a revenge. It's never not worked. Yeah. Yeah.

And then sawing the heels off every pair of shoes. Yeah, that was good. Listen, the creativity. On the house front, the floor mat. Like, seeing the floor plan with the color-coded grids. Yeah. The red and the green, the yellow. The timeshare in the kitchen. Yeah. They're really committing to the bit. I had a...

For what's aged the best, I like when kids get super chubby in a movie that's moving just to like advance some sort of story in the fastest possible way. Yeah. Where they're like, these parents, they've just lost the narrative. They're whatever. The former gymnast as a character trait, when it's used as a weapon in movies. It is very good. It's always like...

they'll throw it in there when they're trying to show like this one keep an eye I do think she should have just I know she knows she loosens the bolt and the chandelier is not structurally sound but because of how much of the plot hinges on her prowess as a gymnast obviously she should just she should be able to get out of there she should be able to act that's a good nitpick for later yeah um

When you work that hard, you have to face the fateful decision. What is there left to do? Profound. Profound stuff from Gavin. Yeah. He also, he had another couple quotes. He's got some good quotes. Women can be a lot meaner than we give them credit for. This is like the Tao of Gavin. There's no winning in this. There's only degrees of losing. A man can never outdo a woman when it comes to love or revenge.

There are two dilemmas that rattle the human skull. How do you hold on to someone who won't stay? And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?

That's pretty good. Yeah. Those are two of the best dilemmas. The poetry of my sinuses are very sensitive to irritants. You know, those cherry blossoms in Bloomington DC. It's very strange that the movie opens up with him, like, sneezing and then lighting a cigarette and talking about his sinuses. However you feel about the framing device overall, it takes a while. Incredible choice. So another what's aged the best, this movie is, like, incredibly popular in Germany. Oh.

Oh, yeah. I read this. Yeah. Had this amazing... It was such a big success. The German title is Der Rosenkrieg. Well, that's also a better title, right? Der Rosenkrieg. Convincing. And it became...

It became synonymous with high-profile divorce and is now just a word that's used in German pop culture. The Rosenkrieg. But it was also, the Germans loved it, right? Germans loved it. Of course they did. It's fascinating. Who doesn't love a black comedy more than the Germans? I like the line, if we end up together, this would be the most romantic day of my whole life. And if we don't, I'm a complete slut. It was just really funny. That is funny. Yeah.

How do we feel about Homer Simpson just wordlessly listening to Gavin's story for two hours? Dan Castellanata. That's not my favorite part of it. No, but it's just weird that that became Homer Simpson. I don't know how to. I mean, it is strange. I don't know if that's a what's aged the best, what's aged sideways. I like stinking bitch, dumb bastard, slut, scum, filth, like that whole like back and forth dad. Anything else you have, Mal? Just Sean Aston. Here's Josh's.

He could have won Notre Dame jersey on, right? I mean, of course, that's a wonderful reference to me. I'm now always forever going to say, Samwise Gamgee, here he is. It's like we're back in Middle Earth. I thought you were going to say Toy Soldiers. Put a run for that, dude. The Den of Thieves Benihana Award for scene, scene, and location. Well, it's not Nantucket. I had Nantucket written down, ironically.

But it's probably the house, right? Yeah, I think it has to be. The house is cool. I mean, it's really mostly set in the house. That's the thing. That house has to work. Yeah, it's almost like the set of a playhouse.

of a play. Yeah. Like the entire thing is on stage in this one location. We do get a couple diversions into some very nice legal libraries, which is appealing. Right. We're mostly in the house. Yeah, there's that one library that Gavin's in that looks really cool with all those books and he's got the ladder. It's a great room. The Big Kahuna Burger where best use of food and drink, obviously, the Doggy Tartars. Oh, I was going to say the Pissfish. It's a real... Oh, Pissfish. I actually think

this is a shockingly in a movie where pate is this central and we get the the the good dog moment a three-way race okay this fish sure the pains me to say but the the benny fake out pate and the entire conversation about the sauce during the first dinner party fresh fig and cognac which gavin then uses as lubricant for the sure yeah oh that's good this movie used food really well

The Mallory Rubin Award. Did this movie need a better sex scene? Oh, man. We always have to do it when she's on the pod. I think I'm prepared to shock you. This might be the first time my answer to this question has ever been no. I think that this is an incredibly horny but perfectly calibrated movie. Perfectly horny movie.

I'm surprised. What I'm going to say is if she's going to be a gymnast, we need a little more. You know what I mean? They use it once, but they mention the multiple orgasms. Do we see any of them? No, we do not. We don't even see one, let alone three or four. But this movie was R, right?

I think it was. Probably. I mean, it would have to be. So I think the reason that I, that works because it becomes a part of the text. We build toward you. You mentioned the, like, you still need me to sexually reassure you. Right. Even though we discussed each other scene and the fact that this like probably fake orgasm that like wasn't even this very convincing theatrical performance is the thing that after like many sequences of trying to kill each other, he's still like,

absolutely let's fuck surrounded by mousetraps in the attic. Right. Leading to the bald Avenger becoming the bloody Avenger, the bitten Avenger. I mean, like, we have to believe that Oliver is a character who would make these decisions. That's true. So, I don't know. I think we also get, you know, we get the foot thing with Gavin. We get, like, their daughter hooking up in the car before she realizes. My house is on fire. Mine too, babe.

All right. First time. We've made history here. First time ever. The boa constrictor leg move. You know, it's sprinkled throughout. It's sprinkled throughout. The bald Avenger really spoke to Mal. Astonishing stuff. Oliver asking Gavin if he banged her, and then she was great. She was a gymnast. We're like, the sex is present even when it's not present. The Butch's girlfriend award for weak link of the film. I'm interested to see what you pick here. This has always been my issue with the film.

The Danny DeVito scenes, even though there's good wisdom in them, I think you could make this same movie and he's not in it talking to that guy at all. And we probably have two more scenes with our heroes, the roses, our villains, whatever you want to call them. Yeah. And it's probably a better movie. You could have the narration of Danny DeVito. We don't even have to see him. And I really feel like he put himself in the movie because he was a big star.

And he was like, I'm going to just, he kind of heat checked it. I have him elsewhere. I do too. And I went back and forth on the framing device. At the beginning, I was like, oh, what are you doing? And why are we hearing about your sinuses? And this is going on and on. And then there is something about it that emphasizes this sort of the fantastical,

I get it. He's telling a giant long story. I get it. So you don't... You can be a little more removed from them. And so some of the nasty things that they do to each other feel like...

a little less painful i get it i just don't think it worked that's why i landed ultimately after all so much dissonance and debate on putting the framing device in what stage the best because it gives it that kind of like fable like hideous fable warped fable like quality but by the way i'm just gonna say yeah i don't know if i'm right i'm just saying i would hit me personally but i don't know if there's a right answer well but we i think we have the same material maybe just in a different category i have i don't want to jump but i have them as the ruffalo

So do I. Yeah, that's where I have it. For the same reason. Because like all of those scenes in the framing device lead to these really dramatic gazing up into the sky. Oh, yeah. I should have seen her toes in the pit of my crotch. It's just not good. No, it's not good. Yeah. No, it's a great call. I had I had him there, too. But yeah.

First of all, this movie, it takes five minutes to even start because the credits are super long. And then we're in Danny DeVito's office. And I actually, when I watched it this time, I was like, when do we actually get to see Kathleen Turner? It's the five minute mark. You could have gotten rid of the first five minutes and we could have been off and she's young and we're in Nantucket. Not really Nantucket. She's young-ish, yeah. But then DeVito keeps coming back. Did you have a different week, Link? No.

It's ultimately, I think, the same thing, but for the pacing. Yeah. Like, I think when we get to the divorce moment and then, like, part of the fun in the movie is that the halves are so tonally distinct, but it's also a little, like, the final stretch is just...

You're in a completely different movie. The last hour of this movie is better than the first hour, I think. I would flip it. I would say the first hour is better. Really? Yeah. I like that, like, we're watching it fall apart. Oh, you like watching it fall apart. Yeah, once we get into the, like, full-on, we're in, like,

Psycho territory It's just I like from the moment He has the heart attack That's when I'm in With this movie That's when it turns Yeah I like when it turns And you know That it's Turning from the very beginning Because You know They're not in Nantucket And they're not really having sex But I don't know There is something Like pretty majestic About the last third And they're just Absolutely going for it It really is Did you have a weak link? Yeah I did The terrazzo floor In the foyer I don't care for it

Here we go. Here we go. Okay. She's bringing the heat. Okay. I'm just saying. So she refinished the tables. This is not the last Amanda Dobbins opinion that we will have on the divorce scheme in this home. Wow.

Wow. It's very late 80s. It is very late 80s. And maybe some of this is personal. Late 80s were a little gaudy. Like my parents were 80s yuppie lawyers and they didn't have Staffordshire figurines, but like there were so many little porcelain figurines around our home for no reason at all. Yeah, those don't really happen. Still a lot of them. Like what were we doing? Let's take a break and we'll do what's aged the worst.

This episode is brought to you by Coffee Mate. Coffee Mate is the world's biggest coffee lover. Whether you're brewing over an open fire at the top of a mountain or blasting it in the microwave for a quick reheat, Coffee Mate has unconditional love for all coffee lifestyles. We keep Coffee Mate in the fridge here at the office. Let's give it a try.

That one that you just heard me take down, that's Italian sweet cream. It makes me feel like I'm sitting in an outdoor cafe watching life go by in Florence or Rome or somewhere. Coffee Mate can make any cup of coffee into anything you want. If you want an Italian kind of pastry feel, if you want a hazelnut, if you want the French vanilla, it doesn't matter how you do it. You do you. Coffee Mate, for the love of coffee.

This episode is brought to you by Twizzlers. We didn't have a ton of candy at the movies when I was growing up. Obviously we had popcorn and then we had some of the basics, but

I remember instantly gravitating toward the Twizzlers. And then ever since then, you know, you grow up, then you have kids. Guess what kids love? Twizzlers. No matter what the situation, Twizzlers is the perfect candy to relieve your boredom. While other candy can be too sweet and overpowering, Twizzlers is the perfect level of sweetness and comes in the perfect chewy twist that everyone knows and loves. So get your hands on some Twizzlers today.

What's aged the worst? I mean, young Michael Douglas's wig. I just don't understand. It's shocking. I don't understand. This was a major movie with a real budget and two super famous A-plus list actors. It's astonishing. And it was like they lost the wig, but they still had to shoot the scenes. And they just went to the store and just grabbed one. It's unbelievable. And it's lighter than his hair. It's just so bad. I'm trying to remember his romancing the stone hair. Yeah.

Was that all his? I don't know. Maybe he had extensions. I didn't have the budget. This is one of the rare movies I watched in thinking about how different it would have been if they had cell phones.

it just feels like a different pre-internet, pre-cell phone movie. He'd be like, I'm at the hospital. Where are you? Totally. Just little things like that where when you talk about the remake with Olivia Coleman, I feel like cell phones will actually be an interesting wrinkle. Or, you know, then you're setting up the cameras. And cameras in the house. So there's not an exterminator. Technology could make the remake really cool. Yes. And ugly in a different way. Yeah.

What do you have for what stage of worse? I think I just would like to talk for another moment if we if we can about the animals in the crosshairs, because it's we tell you we already I had pains me, but it's necessary before Kitty's really unfortunate, untimely demise before the Benny Pate sequence. Oliver like tosses the cat off the stool in the kitchen. It's cruel. It's foul.

Barbara making the liver pate is tormenting the dog by pretending to throw pieces of... But isn't the whole point of it? It's character development. Sure, that it is an effective way to show us that these people are monsters. But it is... I actually find it painful to watch.

It just makes me want them both to die. I think that's valid. I would say it was effective. This isn't like a happy movie about nice people. But yeah, sure, they're not nice to the animals. It's terrible. I don't, I just, why? Why couldn't we just have the animals run away and escape and be free of these monsters? Listen, I'm sure in the safe 2025 remake, none of that will be in there. Did you have anything? I did. Spending Christmas together as a family after you've split,

It's real tough. We tried that one year. It's just, I know it's in vogue. It's just not. We shouldn't have done it then. We shouldn't do it now. It's one of the things that parents think. I'm just like, everyone's just sitting around being like, I regret all of these decisions.

The parents think it's good for the kids and it's the exact opposite. It's horrible for them. The kids are tortured the whole time. But by the time they become older adults, they can come to a live rewatchable show and all get along. Oh, that's beautiful. And take photos with the host. That is beautiful. And then it's all great. It's beautiful. Does it change your opinion on it at all, though, that it is not what Barbara wants? That Oliver is inserting himself tactically to reestablish residence in the home? I think that if you surveyed all...

all families and all divorced couples spending a holiday together for the sake of the kids. It is not what both parents want. Don't do it. Just do it. Actually, Craig, I'm not worried about Craig's marriage, but just in case. I have for What's Aged to Worst, the foot job is just kind of lame. But it sets up that I'm not in defeat anymore. I get why they do it, but it's just, I don't know. It goes on for a while. It's not subtle. Do you think they foot fuck to fruition?

You think he... That's what I'm asking. What do you think? I don't think so. No. I certainly hope not. Any other what's aged the worst? Oh, man. I'll move on to the Ruffalo Award, which we already gave to DeVito. Yep. You know, there's an underacting award that I don't know... We talked about a couple times for pods. I forget who it was about. I think the... I don't know why the client has to be just a corpse, the Mew client. I agree. He was my runner-up for Weakling. I don't know why he doesn't have...

Have any? He's just kind of like. I wish I could do a Homer Simpson impression. It's bizarre. It's really weird. You can make it a nitpick. You can make it an unanswerable question. Like, is he actually mute? Very strange. Possibly. Was there a better title for this movie? No way. Of course not. Historical reference. You know, the actual War of the Roses. Big inspiration for Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah. George R. R. Martin. Huge War of the Roses guy. Yeah. The can you dig it a word for most memorable quote. Probably never apologize for being multi-orgasmic. I mean, it's just pretty hilarious.

Tough to top. So the CR thinks Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford hottest take award. Do you like that? We renamed the hottest take after CR saying Luke Wilson could have been Harrison Ford. Were you on that podcast? I would have left in protest. You would have remembered. It's the most shocking opinion ever uttered in the history of rewatchables or any podcast. Did you have a hottest take?

All right, I'm going to throw out a conspiracy theory as a hottest take, and I want to see if you're receptive. Part of the reason that Gavin is the framing device for this movie is because this is actually all a Gavin Long con. The entire thing. He incepts them toward this outcome. We have the moment earlier in the movie. So he can inherit the house?

move up in the firm. He stands to benefit in every way. The fact that Oliver actually says to Barbara earlier, like, Oliver's not interested. He doesn't want to, excuse me, Gavin's not interested. He doesn't want to make partner. He doesn't need to provide. Isn't that what you'd want from

The person that you're trying to move past to think he seems quite calm. Unlike Susan, when he arrives at the scene of the crime at the end, he's the one, by the way, who encourages Oliver to move back in. Yeah. Oh, good point. This is his maneuver. So you think it should have been a usual suspects kind of reveal, but the only counter argument is that he is telling this whole story to

No, he ultimately loses business. He loses business as a result. But do we buy that? Do we buy that at the end when he's like, so or, you know, go home and rethink your life and try to rediscover why you love this person so much? If you've made Homer sit there and listen to your diatribe on divorce, then ultimately you are invested in duping this person into giving you their business, right? Yeah.

I guess so. I mean, it's a novel client relations strategy. Yeah. I like it, Mel. I don't like it. It's like when someone pretends to hold the elevator, you know? Right. And they're like, oh, sorry. What if you just let the house go? What if you just let the house go? I don't know. I don't buy it. What'd you have, Amanda? You ready? Yeah. This is not even a top 20 movie house.

Okay. This is not even, and I have a list. I made it to 17 and you can add the final three if you'd like to. So we're not talking about location as an act for what the movie needed. You're saying for dream houses. For just the houses I would want to live in. And because this, I mean, it does become, it is a great. Do you have the house from Ex Machina on here? No, that can be one of them. Are you really going to rip through all your favorite movie houses right now? Yeah, I wrote down 17. This is the most exciting moment of my life. I wrote down 17.

There are some for you on it. We should have done a mini pyramid. Okay. Are you ready? Here we go. My number one, and you know this one, Father of the Bride House. Number two, Home Alone House. Number three, Royal Tenenbaum's House. Okay. Number four, Something's Gotta Give Beach House, obviously. Number five, House of Parasite. New entrant. Fantastic. Really nice. Yeah. Number six, Thomas Crown Affair 1999 Vacation House. Yeah. Number seven, Thomas Crown Affair 1999 Brownstone.

This is just remarkable. The house from the game. Really, really good kitchen in that one. I would have had that higher. The holiday. These aren't ranked. Okay. This is just. Okay. Good. Yeah. I like that you didn't rank them. The holiday cottage. I actually have some notes on Cameron Diaz's house in California. It's not my favorite. And I was also trying to not do every single Nancy Meyers house.

I mean, she was the goat of picking houses. And is forevermore. John Hughes, also really good. The Call Me By Your Name Italian Villa. Fantastic. Great one. Phantom Thread Townhouse in London. Oh, yeah. Great one. Cameron's House in Ferris Bueller. Great one. The Mr. and Mrs. Smith House before they wreck it. I like the house. The decor choices could use some work. It was the mid-2000s. We were going through it. For you, Bill Simmons, the Boogie Nights House.

The Notebook House, once he restores it. Yeah. Lake Tahoe House in Godfather 2. Great. I was waiting for it. You are crushing it. I was waiting for it. And we've had Singing in the Rain on Repeating My House a lot. And Gene Kelly's house in that is like a really classic, like, California Spanish-style villa. So that's 17. What did you want? Ex Machina House is 18. I think we have to add Oscar Isaac's tech billionaire, Ex Machina. Ex Machina House.

I'm writing it down. First of all, I'm genuinely upset you didn't tip me off because I would have thought about this for three days. Although I did like being surprised. Okay. I didn't really like this movie, but I thought the Saltburn house was pretty great. Oh, sure. Yeah. I didn't even really get into like manor houses, you know, like Downton Abbey also pretty good. But a Saltburn house, that's very good. The visuals of that movie were great. How about the ordinary people? Now I'm out of the pot. I'm just going to be thinking about this for the rest of the pot. I can't even...

I spent so much of my watching this just being like, okay, but I don't like this part of the house. I don't like this part of the house. It's not. I mean, what are those topiaries doing? I understand that it's supposed to be ridiculous because they're ridiculous yuppie people. You want to put the Amityville Horror House in this? That's a good one. Yeah. Okay. That's 20.

That's really good. Boy. All right. I'm going to have, we might have to. That's a living document. That's a living document. Yeah, we can readjust it. Now we have to do a Nancy Meyers movie just so we can just do. Yeah, I want, I want to do like a pyramid. I want like levels and tiers. Self-restraint. I did not put the It's Complicated house, which is the Meryl Streep Santa Barbara house.

Which probably, well, no, I would pick the father of the bride house to live in, of all Nancy's houses. But it's complicated house is incredible. What about the beach house in American Gigolo?

Oh, yeah. That's a good one. That's a great one. That's a great one. I'm trying to think about... Not enough beach houses on here also, so... Gecko's House in the Hamptons. Oh, good. Wall Street. I'm trying to think of like Hamptons, Nantucket... Tony's Malibu Mansion. Martha's Vineyard. Mm-hmm. And Iron Man. What about... It's a new one, but Anatomy of a Fall House. It's pretty nice. Oh, that's a good one. You're right. Yeah, but it's not done yet, you know? Yeah.

And when is he going to get it done? Never, because he's dead. What about to Jillian and her 37th birthday, the Ntuket house they were at? I got to go through this. Okay. Sorry. I'm sorry. It's such a better hottest take than my hottest take. I'm sorry. Boy. The dog should have died in the pate. Talk to her. Do you mean this? No, listen to me. How many dogs have I had? Like six? My...

My screensaver right now on my phone is a picture of Rufus who died 10 years ago. And I still really miss him. Yeah. With that said, it's a way better movie if she actually did use the dog. And actually in the research...

The test audiences were so horrified that she killed the dog and made dog pate that they cut in the shot of the dog. Yeah. Who, by the way, is never seen again in the movie. It's an unanswerable question. And whatever. And it's like, if we leave our house for 30 minutes, Murph loses his fucking mind and runs around and we come home and he acts like there's just no way the dog, they're just locked in the house for two weeks. So I think they killed that dog off.

And the test audiences spooked them. But if we're really going for it with a dark movie, that dog has to die. She has to make petay out of that dog. It's too much. You have to be like, this is how crazy this cat. She killed the dog. You need to keep them on a level playing field, though. They need to be equally insane. And he didn't kill the cat on purpose. She can't kill the dog on purpose. Well, I think the counterpoint to that is it's actually always about who levels up next.

So in that sense, I would buy it. But counterpoint, I think that it's more about what they think the other person is capable of than what they actually are capable of. Right. It's just too much. It's like they're trying to actually literally murder each other. So I would say the dog is the gateway. I do also wonder that in terms of studio notes, they give you the dog insert shot or they give the studio the dog insert shot so they can keep the ending.

Maybe that was the trade. That's important. I think it's more important that they both actually die than that you know for sure that the dog died. That's what I used to do with my years can't calm. They'd be like, you gotta cut the Chris Berman joke, but we'll let you keep Tim McCarver and Dan Dooner. Casting what ifs.

I couldn't really find any other than that Cher was in the mix for Barbara Rosa for a little while. That was the Cherissance. Ooh. That was like for... Hmm. Interesting. Like late 80s. That's when she was a hot movie actor. This was like right after Moonstruck? Mask, Moonstruck. Yeah, she was... She had her picks. Hmm. Best that guy. So there's two versions of that guy in this. It's a Joey Pants award. One is the guy from Total Recall.

the schwarzenegger total recall who schwarzenegger's trying to figure out if it's actually a person sent from the future or not and the small bead of sweat goes down his face then then schwarzenegger kills him

He's in the dinner scene. He's the one who says, I would skip the fish. That's a good one. But the real that guy is J.D. Spradlin, who I think is J.D. Spradlin, but he's the senator in Godfather 2. Yes. Yeah, that guy. He's the basketball, Robbie Benson's basketball coach in 101. He was Nick Nolte's football coach in North Dallas 40.

He was in Apocalypse Now. He's just been in a shitload of stuff. And he's that guy, but he's also probably J.D. Spradlin at this point. This literally just incited an actual genuine that guy from Amanda when you said it. Yeah. But I think that's right. I mean, you think of him as the senator first. Senator Geary. And Michael Corleone. Then all of a sudden he's in a brothel with a prostitute covered in blood. Oh, man. The Dion Waiters Award. Yeah.

I really like the guy when Oliver's in the hospital and there's the guy there, his wife stabbed him. The guy's cooking for like 40 seconds. They make a lot of money. I wanted like three minutes of that guy. They're always sorry after. I love that guy. I liked Susan.

Susan was Susan is the housekeeper the living oh she did too much I mean she's like technically there are only four people with extended speaking roles but she doesn't get that much the house on fire guys in there I don't know there's not a lot of DMs mine too babe all right recasting couch director city what's this movie of Jonathan Demme's directing it oh Rachel getting married vibes yeah

But a little something wild, a little crazy, black comedy. A lot of like characters talking right into the camera. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a Demi peak. All right.

You wouldn't change the city? I would change the city. Yeah. What city did we end up? I don't even know where we are. Because they have like the capital like cloth backdrop outside of Danny Donato's. Yeah. They should have done Nantucket. It just should have been Washington. And the city just should have been Seattle. And we could have gotten some Seattle stuff. No, but Seattle is a community property state. What Washington is. I Googled this last night because I was like, you know, I would love a nice California house. But that really changes God. Diamonds! Diamonds!

Incredible job by her. Anything involving real estate, she is prepared for. It can't be Washington or California for community property reasons because it would change the nature of the case, I assume. So they could have done Massachusetts then. I don't know what was going on in the 80s. So I thought Westchester outside of New York. I was going to say Connecticut or Westchester. That's another great house. The Fatal Attraction House. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That is a really good house. That's a great one. That should be on the list. Yeah. Okay.

I'm writing it down. You've ruined my weekend. I'm going to have some sort of fucking list for you on Saturday night with 130 houses. Yeah, 20 is not nearly enough. That's going to be a list of like 500. Big chill house, great house.

Oh, that's great. That's another good one. I love this. That's good. What about the Sleeping with the Enemy house that she ended up staying in? Oh, really, really great beach house. That was a really good one. Really good one. Okay, Sleeping with the Enemy house. Well, the beach house, but then the one when she's in hiding, when she's in like East Bumfuck, wherever, but she had that awesome house with the apple trees. When you said fatal attraction, I thought that you were going to say unfaithful.

Which is another Adrienne line. Good apartment. Well, the apartment's good, but their house is a really... Yeah, the Richard Gere house is a really nice, the unfaithful house. What about the Gump house? Oh. Gump house is really great. That is nice. I mean, we have the Gump house. Okay, the Gump house. I'm writing this all down. I mean, this is just proving my point that this house is not... I think we're almost up to 30, so... Do you think Sean would let us do a special big picture episode about movie houses? I think so. If you came on, yes. That sounds great. Wonderful. Let's book it. Okay.

For this movie, Tony Romo or Chris Collinsworth for the director's commentary? Please do it. This is my favorite new thing. You guys said you weren't going to do it anymore and I laughed really hard. Oh, I still want to do it. Okay, good. The best. I think it's Romo. Yeah. I think she killed the dog, Jim. I think he's in the pate. I think that's it for Betty. Jim, when he swiveled while pissing on the fish. Swivel. I think it should be both of them. Together. Wow. He's just ruining this dinner right now.

Oliver's just ruining the whole thing. I love this. It's really good. You know, Mallory was there when the Tony Romo started because we watched the Baltimore Ravens playoff game together the day before we did a live show in Chicago. Thanks for bringing it up. Appreciate it. The Ravens lost. And Mallory immediately went into a dark, just horrible despair. I understand that. And Chris and I started doing Tony Romo invitations to try to make her laugh, which worked. We pulled her back out of it. Got to watch Genius in real time. Have fun doing your research.

Phil Collins wrote a song called Something Happened on the Way to Heaven that was supposed to be in this, but took too long. And by the time he finished, the offer was taken back. Why are they taking back an offer for a Phil Collins song? I don't know. They were like, sorry, Phil, the ship has sailed.

1989. You know, that's like throwing down the Beatles. He put it on his album. But seriously, it's on there. Love Phil Collins. So 20 minutes of deleted scenes are on YouTube. I watched all of them. There's two I think they should have kept. Okay. One is the scene before he saws off the high heels. There's this whole three minutes where he's got this indoor garden with all these plants and him and the nanny.

Or all excited about how the plants are doing. And he goes in and she's killed all the plants. Oh, that's a good one. And that leads to the high heels. I don't know why they cut that. And then the reason like she's so sweaty in the end, like the last 25 minutes, like it's like becomes really sweaty for him. We're like, why is she so sweaty? What's going on? There's a scene where he like does something to like basically blow heat into her bedroom.

Oh, because he's trying to heat her out or like he sets a transformer on fire. That's something. Right. So that's why that way. I don't know why they cut that. Interesting. I like that one in particular because it shows the desperation of like he's also inhabiting this home. So he's willing to make himself uncomfortable just to hurt the other person. That's a good one.

So there's another one. Sometimes I'll do this on the pod and as I'm doing it for Half-Assed and I'm like, this is going to bring the pod down. There's a real life guy who got inspired by this movie and it gets super dark. Okay. If people want to Google that, they can Google it. I'll tell you later. I'm content to not know. Only one is sort of my response to that. Let's just say he got a seven year prison sentence. This is how it ended. So you can Google that. Apex Mountain.

Michael Douglas, I'm going to say no because he had fatal traction on Wall Street in this same year. I think it has to be the 87. 87 is ridiculous. Turner, probably not. No. This is the tail end. Yeah, I think it's got to be mid-80s. Yeah, it's probably remains in the sun. Yeah.

The 1960 British Morgan Roadster Plus Four. Oh, interesting. You tell us. You tell us. There's only four. In the world? Yeah. Oh, okay. The car that they had, I think there was only four of the exact car, which they made it seem like it was a more common car, but that specific car was... And didn't they actually wreck that car? I think they did. That's really irresponsible. Yeah.

I might be wrong on that. I might have the wrong info, but I think that's how rare that version of that car was. Is that a car that you would like to drive? No. Those cars are awful. I don't know. Just like to know what you think about cars. So 1960, but it was designed to look like a 1929 car. But now in 2024, can you imagine driving that in LA? He just sticks with that. He gets the first one. Well, I think the point is he's a douche. He quickly becomes a huge douchebag.

Which she should have known when she saw his hair when they were in fake Nantucket. Right. Like, look at this fucking guy's hair. Just put a hat on him. Put like a baseball cap turned backwards on him. If you want to see him wear a baseball cap, I'll refer you once again to his work as Hank Pym. Oh, boy. Danny DeVito...

Dina DeVito had this and like Twins right around the same time. So I think we are like around the DeVito apex. Interesting. Twins was a massive, massive movie that everyone saw. Pate? Hmm. At least for movies. Revenge Pate? Okay. But not the apex for like, I am either pretending to or really did put somebody important to you in a thing that you then ate. That'll be, that's free pie. It's gotta be.

Divorce movies. No. No. It's Kramer vs. Kramer. It's gotta be Kramer vs. Kramer. Right. I think that you guys should both rewatch Marriage Story, but that's just... No, that is like absolutely one of my favorites. That's in my top four for sure. Mine too. Yeah. The joke, what do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. It's either this or Philadelphia. There are other movies. Houses that can ruin a marriage?

Is this the best we got this house and it ruined our lives movie or would you go with the Money Pit? Money Pit? Yeah. They should remake Money Pit. It's time. Money Pit's good now. It's very good now, but we could also update it. You know Money Pit, Craig? No. Yeah. Title 16, 904, section C. Great stuff. Yeah, really good. Definitely. The Piss Fish. Without question. Yes. Best piss ever on a fish.

Absolutely. I can't think of another piss on a fish itself. Sean Aston, no. Certainly not. That's all I got. New category. Neither of you have been here for this one. This is the best category to come up in a while. Cruise or Hanks? Who could have played the lead part? Cruise or Hanks? Cruise.

I don't. Really? Yes. Oh, I think this is clearly Hanks. I think without question, Hanks. This was the first category I filled out. Because you have to not like this person. And I don't think that Hanks can turn that on. Or turn that off. I think that's why it would be so compelling. Cruz would have tried too hard. He would have gone like... But listen, you could do either like true, you know, cocky dickhead late 80s Tom Cruise. Like he could have done it at this time. He's a little young, I guess. I don't think Tom Cruise can do comedy like this. Or Eyes Wide Shut.

era Tom Cruise, you know? No, you're outvoted. I don't think that Cruise is... Sadly, there's three people and you have a minority vote. That's true. You believe that Cruise would find himself in a position where he thought he had an esophageal tear caused by his wife smushing him between her legs. You believe that Tom Hanks would find himself...

situation. I actually think this is the kind of movie Tom Hanks needed to make and tried to make a couple times in the 80s. Yeah, but it didn't work. Right. Because he's Tom Hanks. I know. But maybe he was just in the wrong movie. I love Tom Hanks. Protect Tom Hanks, you know? Some things can just stay good. I could definitely see Tom Hanks in the sauna. I could see Tom Hanks chugging the Gatorade and his boss comes in and he's like, you look really haggard. And he's like, I feel great. I could see it.

I can see it. Craig, what's your take? I think it's Cruz. Thank you. Whoa. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. What? Come on. I really do. Hanks is way too lovable and soft. Even when he's the mean guy, like in League of Their Own, he's still a lovable guy. You can't. That's another reason that we know it could be Hanks because think of how long that piss is. I was going to go there too. Think of how long that piss is. That fish wouldn't be in the chair. See, now I'm wavering. Shit. Oh, no. No, just like.

I'm thinking like collateral cruise crossed with Jerry Maguire cruise. Yes. Like first 30 minutes of Jerry Maguire cruise with Kelly Preston. And Kelly Preston's beating the shit out of him. Yeah. Fuck, Amanda's right.

Because we kind of saw him do this in Jerry Maguire. It's what you actually want crews to have done at some point is to get weirder and meager instead of being. He kind of did it in Jerry Maguire, though. That's true. But you want, he can go to the evil side. And we believe him as a lawyer, too. And instead. You might be onto something here. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We don't want Ethan Hunt. We want this. I was in Boston. Yeah. And I was with Zoe and her boyfriend, who's a great guy, Tommy. Oh, good. Really liked that kid. Wow. Congratulations to Tommy. Great kid. Wow.

Wow. They wanted to, he's like a young Craig Korobach. They wanted to watch a movie and we were looking and, uh,

settled on Jerry Maguire neither of which they had seen and I hadn't watched them like and then you're sitting I saw this with my mother in the theater and the Kelly Preston sex scene no I was I knew it was coming so I went to go get a drink alright but I hadn't watched that movie since Chris and I did the podcast which was one of the first rewatchables ever part of the origin story I've probably seen it but from start to finish that movie's amazing that might like Cruz is so good in that movie unbelievable

It's almost like it's I can't believe he didn't win the Oscar. I got all mad. I'm just on my iPad like, you know, he lost to Jeffrey Rush and Shine. And they're just like, hey, can we watch? Absolutely unconscionable. I agree. But anyway, that made me think Cruise maybe could have been in this movie. I think Amanda's right. I'm switching my vote. Sorry, Mel. All right. All right. So is that 2-2 now for Cruise? I'll have to check. I think we're tied. I think it might be 3-1. I think it is 3-1 Cruise. 3-1 Cruise. I'm trying to think of the one Hanks won.

Oh, cause Cruz won for shot caller. Certainly. Yeah. So it's one, it's Manchester because it's the lead role. Yeah. Hank's one Manchester. And that was the, that was the debate. This is only the third movie. Oh, so it's two, one Cruz. That's our third one. Okay. All right. Cause it started with internal affairs. We came up with that after that movie, right? In between internal affairs and Manchester by the season when we came up with this. Yeah. Okay.

Racehorse name, the Bald Avenger would be the funniest fucking racehorse. Absolutely Bald Avenger. Here comes the Bald Avenger. No doubt. Picky Nits. This is my big one. I already said about the showing the dog during the pate scene, which clearly they put in later. So you could have taken out all the Danny DeVito scenes for me and we would have had another 10 minutes to play with. Yeah.

Barbara has to have a scene where she dates somebody for revenge. And then maybe we get the sex scene. We were saying the gymnast craziness, like she brings a guy home because Aubrey's living in the house and brings a guy home and they just have crazy sex. And he's like losing his mind. That just seems like a layup. In the Morgan, in the car, maybe. Or something. Some sort of guy that he would have been jealous of. Does that affect the legal terms of the divorce though in the 80s? Oh, good point. I don't know what DC's no fault thing is.

They're getting divorced? Are you not allowed to have sex with somebody if they're getting divorced? No, but then I don't know whether it would affect the settlement. Yeah. He is looking for an edge anywhere he can, right? He's like, she lied about the dinner party. Or she should have flirted with somebody or some sort of... She needed to use the sex appeal to drive him crazy in some way. She did try to fuck Gavin in his office. Right, but he didn't see that though. And yet he sensed it.

It was on tape. What do you have for picket knits? It was on tape. We've hit a lot of picket knits already. We have hit a bunch of them. Gavin tells his silent client that he would have heard of the roses, quote, except I kept what happened out of the papers.

You mean when two people were found dead in their mansion? There is not a universe in which this is kept out of the papers. Not a universe. Especially since the post food critic is at the home. Journalists just present in their lives. I think the question of would the fall have killed them is a valid one. Sure. It's like we've steadily lowered

How close there... I know it's a very hard floor that Amanda does not like the style of that they are falling toward, but I don't know. There's a wide shot of the house. Yeah. I'm glad you brought this up. There's a wide shot of the inside of the house when you can actually get a feel for how high it's up. It's high. Yeah. It's high, but it's not that high. They're being lowered steadily because of the creeping of the wire. I think it's 20 feet max. Some shattered bones, for sure. I mean, it's just also... But double death? Like...

How do you die 45 seconds after impact, but not immediately at impact? Right. Like, they both fall, then they have enough time to wake up. Yeah, I need, like, a leaking cranium. Exactly one of their limbs, but so they at least have motion over the upper half of their bodies, and then they both immediately die? Yeah. Like, there would be internal bleeding? It didn't bother me, because it's the perfect way to die in the movie, I think. Yeah.

It is. It is. I have a follow-up. I have a related nitpick, which is just what is this chandelier made of that they can both just hang out on it for as long as they can. And then it turns into powdered sugar like rock candy dust. That thing's coming down the moment she swings on it. I also, another nitpick is just him somehow getting caught. She's like, don't, I'm going to pull it over. And all of a sudden, you're dropping the thing before you get pulled over.

On the home front here, this might be my biggest nitpick, actually. None of their neighbors at any point called the authorities. Yeah. Police. Police is my number one. There's like the multi-car...

We go into a full monster truck spectacular in the front yard where she drives her vehicle over his Morgan. And he says, look, I don't want to create a scene. It's like, it's too late. Their house is on fire multiple times in this movie. Yeah. The Christmas tree catches fire. He destroys the beautiful stove and it's just like permanently lit. Yeah. Like the various gas burners are just, you know, are windows and doors lit.

visibly boarded up. Right. Nobody checks in? This is... I mean, no. It's a valid point. I think you're supposed to think it's not like... A street of self-involved people who... Yeah, self-involved people. They're all, you know, keeping up appearances. It's not like, you know, these are pro bono lawyers, like, saving the world one case at a time. You know, they're like...

confirming a corrupt senator or whatever is like his actual professional work. So I don't think you're meant to think very highly of anyone. She drove over his car with him in it in the front yard. Yeah. I don't know. Are you calling someone or are you assuming someone else is going to get to that? I don't know whether I'm picking up the phone. I'll just be like, well, someone's going to figure that out. I'm probably too busy like watching the O's to even notice, honestly.

I wouldn't need another picket. I wanted one more scene when they were happy together. I think this is a great point. We are one scene short on like, do we believe that they would have built a life together? Because you're watching them for 18 years. They bought me in early or bought us in early with the whole, oh yeah, I can see this passionate great night was unbelievable. Bless you, bless you, bless you. And then all of a sudden she's giving them the car.

Right. It's Christmas and she's paying his way through law school. Yeah, we didn't earn enough of the, I can see where this relationship was cool. Well, I do wonder how much you're supposed to believe in the relationship. Yeah, it's like two people who didn't really think that much about it. And then this is the... That's usually what leads to divorce. Yeah.

Another nitpick. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Where the fuck, who had that monster truck in 1989? Like, why did she have that? She traded the Volvo in. Was a very, very... She's making pate and she's... Yeah. She got 35 bucks for one load of pate and immediately traded in the Volvo for that. This was a very...

insane the car of choice for floppy haired boys i went to high school with so late yeah like late i love i love 90s yeah this is great for me it's a little over the top it is i would have maybe maybe a ford explorer something like that i love what their respective cars say about each of them and what the relationship to the house says about each of them and how they think about money and power it's the car is perfect

I have another nitpick. This is really hardcore. I don't like the dog choice for Oliver. What kind of dog is it? I just felt like Oliver was like a white lab kind of guy. Okay. Because white labs are kind of boring, let's be honest. They're like the inferior golden retriever. So you don't think Oliver is worthy of having a dog?

Like, he wouldn't have a golden retriever. It's a bunch of personality. It's more like a white lab who's just kind of put on some weight over the last couple years and he's just kind of sitting sadly in front of the house. That would have been my dog choice. Or...

Like a poodle. Like one of those poodles where you're like, why does that guy have that dog? Poodles are fucking mean. Like trying hard. Yeah, like a mean poodle. That would have been a good... I just think the dog choice... I had a run-in with a poodle named Merlin once. That was not... Merlin? That was not fun. Yeah, and they warned you before you went into the house. They were like, do not put fingers... Yeah, they're irrational confidence dogs. ...or limbs anywhere near Merlin. They're like Napoleon complex dogs. Uh-uh. Oh, man. And in their nippicks. That was it. Sequel...

Prequel, Prestige TV, all black cast or untouchable. You could honestly talk me into all five. So, yeah, they almost made a sequel about the kids because there is a literary sequel about the kids. There's a kind of a bad book. Would you have wanted the film version of this? No. Of the children? Yeah.

This film is not interested in the children, which is fine. We have other... But should we as the viewing public be? We have other movies about children of divorce. Boy, do we. And boy, do we. And they've affected us all in profound ways. And what I like about this is that I don't have to bring my child of divorce feelings to this. I go the other way. If two children of divorce have heard their father shout...

In the open front yard where all neighbors and passersby could hear that you weren't multi-orgasmic until you met me, I want to know what the rest of their lives are like. I need to know what the rest of their lives are like. I'm actually semi-excited for a remake. Yeah, I think it's great. I don't really ever say that, but I think a remake in the technology era is... I'd be interested to see how they handle it. I assume there will be some reflection of...

Like the changing codes. Exactly. I don't think Olivia Colman will give the exact same type of speech to the potential live in. You know, she'll do something weirder. Yeah. Is this movie better with Wayne Jenkins, Danny Trejo, Sam Jackson, JT Walsh, Byron Mayo, Harling Mays, evil laughing Ramon Raymond or Philip Baker Hall? I got to say, this movie actually needs Sam Jackson.

It's one of the whitest movies probably ever made. And even if Sam Jackson was playing the guy Danny DeVito is talking to the whole time and it's just like dressed up Sam Jackson and maybe he throws a couple. Yeah, you have to let him be a character. Yeah, let him Sam Jackson those scenes up a little bit. I was going to say, I think Philip Baker Hall could pull off the framing device. I would buy that him as the lawyer that brings a different. But as Floyd Gandoli. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Guys, this is a Beltway movie. We might not want it to be set in D.C., but it is. So you think Wayne shows up after the death? Wayne has to be here. I didn't know we were dealing with Super Chef.

A fish so crispy, the piss sizzles right off. I mean, Wayne belongs at the dinner party. Would you have Wayne at the dinner? I think maybe Wayne is actually somebody like who's in the hospital scene and then somehow inserts himself into Oliver's life from there. Or perhaps Wayne is involved in a case at some point. Oh, interesting. A case that the law firm is involved in? Oliver's paying off Wayne the dirty cop. Yeah. Okay.

Just one Oscar who gets it. This is hard, actually. For me, it's Turner. I think she's awesome in this movie. But Douglas is great, too. He's great in it, but he's doing Michael Douglas, and he already has an Oscar. Yeah. I give the edge to Turner, too, but Douglas is wonderful in this movie. The 1989 Oscars for Best Actress. Jessica Tandy won for Driving Miss Daisy. Robbed it from...

Our queen, Michelle Pfeiffer. Fabulous Baker Boys. Yeah. Just took her Oscar. I mean, this was a travesty year all around. Jessica Lange for Music Box. Pauline Collins for Shirley Valentine as Shirley Valentine Bradshaw. Okay. What the fuck was that movie? And Isabel Ajani as Camille Claudel. I feel like we could have squeezed Kathleen into one of those spots. I don't know. Yeah. She's great in this movie. Probably unanswerable questions.

So, and I guess this really ties into...

The Andy and Red Zawadney Award went up the next day. Like, the kids. Like, what's that next week like for the kids? Like, they come home from school. What's the will like? Mom and dad are dead. There's no will. They're getting divorced, but they're not divorced yet. Do we think there's no will? Do they keep the house? There's a will. There's got to be a will. No, I think they miss the house immediately. The house is a disaster. They just knock it down. Well, is this the second time that the house...

is sold at a discount rate because something tragic has unfolded inside. Maybe that's the sequel. It's just somebody else moves in the house. Maybe it's like Amityville Horror. It's domestic Amityville Horror. That's good. Yeah. The Shining House. Yeah. The Shining Hotel for Divorce. Yeah. Any other unanswerables? I think we hit a lot of them. Okay. I think we hit almost all of them already. What do you have for double feature choice?

I would like to pitch a triple feature, a thruple, if we can. I do think we should be pairing this with both Body Heat and Fatal Attraction. I think that should be... We get an erotic thriller with both of them, and then we watch this, and it's just... I can't really think of a better way to spend a day, to be honest. I was going to say Romance in the Stone, just to get the other end of the spectrum. Oh, that's good. That's a good one. Which is... Romance in the Stone, by the way, is an awesome movie. It's wonderful. 40-year anniversary this year. It was...

It was on HBO for nine years straight, just constantly. I love it. She looks great in it. He looks great in it. It's fun to watch. It's very 80s-y. I want a different direction. If you want to feel slightly better about your life after Rock Bottom Month, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. That's a great one. Because they tear up the house in the same way, but then it kind of works out, at least in the movie. Do you think Benny found a new home?

No, because he was dead and they inserted him after. He's alive and hopefully found a loving home. No? What piece of memorabilia would you want from this movie? Clearly, I would want the wig because I would just put this on every time I did a podcast with either of you. For my Michael Douglas, I'm really much younger than I look wig. You can pull it off. Yeah. I think that wig. A lot of choices. You know, this always gets into the question of practicality. Like, I think the pick is the chandelier, but...

You know, I love merch. Am I going to display that in my home? Probably not. So then I'm inclined toward like one of the figurines, perhaps. Yeah. Do I want the Morgan? Either the first or the second. Right. Put it in the driveway. Oh, we passed the new rule. It has to fit through the front door of the house so nobody can take the car. The Morgan's pretty small. It's low to the ground, but it's not small. It has a big rear end. Um...

I'm going to go with the chandelier then. I guess it has to be that for me. I would like the car PA system on Kathleen Turner's car so that I can just imagine what I could do. Why does it have that? Why is it driving around Los Angeles just being like, excuse me, sir?

Coach Finstock. You need to make a left. Coach Finstock Award for Best Life Lesson. My father used to say there are four things that told you what a man is. His house, his car, his wife, and his shoes. Great one. Is that true? No, probably not. I mean, I do think the shoe part is true, I think. Definitely. Yeah. Maybe the real lesson is don't get divorced. Yeah. I think the real lesson is when a man who makes $450 an hour wants to tell you something for free, you should listen.

That's good. He's just doing a podcast. Before Sean Austin has to go back to college, they're trying to have a heart to heart. And he's like, we already had this talk. Drugs don't do them and sex don't catch anything. Two just really good general pieces of advice. Who won the movie?

The combo? You're going combo? I think it's really hard to pick between the two of them. Like, it works because of them together. I would go combo just because I think it's an important exclamation point for the Douglas Turner. Yes. The three movies and the fact that this doesn't happen anymore. But at gunpoint, I would pick Turner. Yeah, I think that's right. I would too. Because I think she has a more fun part. Like, Douglas, his part for an hour, he's just kind of the...

Yeah, the movie is... He only really takes off for the last half hour. She has the part. She's doing the most in the movie. And she gets to be funny and she gets to be sexy. And he's just kind of befuddled for a while. And he's good at being befuddled. Well, can't wait for Craig's take here. Craig, you didn't know what this movie was? Didn't give you a heads up? Have you seen Romancing the Stone? No, no. Okay. That's a big blind spot. All right. That's okay. You were not born.

This is in the we don't make movies like this anymore Hall of Fame. Yeah. It's in the top four. It's not even close. Yeah. I had so much fun watching this movie.

This movie truly made me think like we don't need any more new movies. We have enough good old ones. Like we just keep looking backwards, people. You know? All the new ones now stop with that and turn on 1989 movies and just like have them back. Welcome to my island, Craig. Thank you so much. I just love this movie is genuinely perfect because it's so imperfect. Like it's so much would be cut now and changed. The DeVito thing is weird. There's also like in DeVito's office like the sky outside of his office is like a

dark red. It's like, looks like you're like in poor things for like a second. Right. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. It's like a fairy tale. I love that these movies back then were just like producer gut calls and they were like, you know what? I like it this way. I don't care. They're going to die at the end and everything would be too like market tested. Now I found it to be so deranged and weird and genuinely fun to watch. It's a good point about, yeah,

like things that just would never happen now. No way. They have the perfect ending in this. They die. She takes his arm and moves it off her. Right. And the movie should have just ended. And instead DeVito's like, what if we ended with me in my office?

And then a long camera shot coming out of the thing and it'll end up me instead. It's like, who wanted that? Yeah, I went, I was watching it alone and it started to get so insane. After the monster truck scene, I literally paused the movie. I went into the other room and I was like, Liz, you have to come watch this movie.

I was like, I'll restart the movie if you want. Did you start it over? No, she didn't do it. It didn't take. But I'm going to get her to watch it. But I literally was willing to like restart the first hour and watch it again. I also asked my husband to watch it with me and he's like, no thanks. I saw that 45 times in the 90s on cable. I'm good. Adam watched it with me and we had a great time. That's beautiful. He did. This movie's kind of a prequel to Gone Girl. Yeah. You know? Like it could have easily pivoted to Kathleen Turner killing him and going on the run.

That's good. I like that. I love that take. I didn't mention this earlier, but this is like a top six or seven favorite movie of my wife's. Like ever since I knew her. Oh, really? Six or seven? Like absolutely loves this movie. Whoa. Loves it. I mean. Just thinks it's really funny. Loves them together. It's like everything she wants from these kind of movies. It also really hasn't aged that poorly like at all. For a movie that takes so many risks and is so out of control and is about men versus women, it's...

There are like little nits you can pick, but it's really not that bad at all. Yeah, it's because they're good together. A few bruises, some broken dishes, some pissed on fish.

It's perfect. War of the Roses produced by Craig Krolbeck. As always, you can watch this entire episode on youtube.com slash Bill Simmons. Who knows? Maybe we'll have a different home for the rewatchables at some point. Amanda, a pleasure. Thank you, Bill. I can't believe you did that houses thing. Listen, it's a living document. I'll come back anytime. The beginning of a new tradition. Okay, beautiful. Mallory. William. 13 years together, 12 years. I don't even know. I'd never humiliate you like this.

See you next week.