Bad Money Habits and Good Relationships Don’t Mix
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Live from the headquarters of ramsey solutions. It's the ramsey show where we help people build wealth, do work that they love and create actual amazing relationship. Doctor john the loni number one best selling author couple times over, and host of the doctor john loni show rammers y personality is my co host today.

Open phones at triple eight, eight, two, five, five, two, two, five that's triple eight, eight, two, five, five, two, two, five. Medicine is whether to start off this hour in atlantic georgia. Hi medicine. Welcome to the show.

Hi the hi joon. Um thank you so much for taking my call.

Sure what's so I made .

a predicament that i've actually made myself um I got married second marriage for both of us uh not quite six years ago um and at that time um I had been through a pretty bad divorce and had a pretty to make force marriage so definitely was healing from that and met this wonderful man so nice to me and time to me and um I just feel head over heal love with him um I knew he was broke.

I knew he didn't have money and that that just didn't married to me. He was just so nice to me and I love to being treated nice. So um we got married. Um I did haven't find a peanut because I was um expecting to inherit IT a large model money from my parents to state at some point I had at that time but um I knew that that would be in the future and so he did find a prefectural agreement and didn't have any problems with that. Um however, I started our relationship with just paying all the time.

I I paid for everything we drop, then I would pay um I already had A A place I lived that I paid for and I said at set so I I understand how it's going to set a pattern and it's the time I didn't bother me and you know I might want I also want to add this man's Christian man. He knows the word of god um now we really I really have put this in god's hands and asked for his help but I just I just can't figure out where that why there just there is no spirit of generosity with with him. He just i've brought up several times, you know, can you please pitch in, just kick in.

I don't expect, have and have. I have plenty of money. I don't I don't need this money.

It's just on principle. Just I just need to know that i'm not just the only one that supporting us. I feel like i'm the good .

when he doesn't earn an income.

he he did we .

are both retired now um he does not have any retirement old. I'm sixty sixty four um he took um he took all security early. He was working at that time. And then um when you stay, when you started taking so secure to you, we are you can make money or you make much money um so that notice no availability down to where he really couldn't work very much. But since then, we have been retired and we located and so .

what do you feel like? The core question is .

um I I think i'm just trying to figure out if um if i'm being taken advantage, is this just something where i'm i'm being? I bought something up several times and I just nothing changes nothing. I just stays the same. And I don't know if I well, I guess what my next step should be.

This isn't a money issue. This is a respect issue.

You don't respect the man that you're marry to because like I I bring home, I bring home according to income to the house but my wife, my god or my diff, if SHE disappeared, the house would go away so I don't look at her and say, wow, you're not contributing to this thing and I am paying for dinner all the time because my money is our money, right? The home that he keeps and runs and her small business like that's ours too. But there's a mutual respect there.

This doesn't have to do with money. And you mentioned earlier, you don't want a thing. You don't want your marriage to be where you're paying for everything that is, that is the world you set up.

So yeah, the only thing you can do from this point forward is to create something new. But this is a respect issue. This isn't A, I just need him to pitch in issue. Have you ve been very clear about what you need or as IT been a you know like man, I share in paye for a lot and he might be thinking.

ah it's our money you been very clear with them. Not afraid of confrontation. I get very nervous about talking about something like this.

Then you end up in the land because you spend at a time having imaginary conversations in your head, don't you?

Yes, I do.

I was cruel and unfair to him.

And doubt.

yes. So if you're going .

to be in your brain too.

if you're going to get him, he at least deserves to know what he could do, give him a path back to relationships. Right now he married somebody with a lot of money, and he might think he's fulfilling his duties as your husband by being the fun, love and guy that just whatever, whatever portion in a patch he needs to know you not respect him.

Yeah, I I do robot and I don't want, uh, I don't want anything .

and what what does he need to do to be a person that you would respect because he doesn't need to work? You guys are retired.

No.

it's not a work. It's not a work ethic thing. What is that that he's supposed to do that makes him valid in your mind?

I think just pitching and say, I don't know a thousand dollars something .

where the money .

so you guys don't have your .

ancient combined at all.

Um we do ever joint checking account.

but he's never putting .

me money in IT.

So no I mean .

what we have an to do that he .

could yeah he he could he could put money on there yeah because he's on he's on the account.

But if he's letting at your vast amount of money in that account and he looks at his piddle, his pitty home government check.

yes.

So i'm saying like he needs to know and I get I think he's going to put a thousand dollars in that account and that's not what the issue he's going to be.

Yeah, if he started .

depositing a thousand million month in that account, you'll be right back here in six months.

I don't know if I would be. I don't it's really it's to me. It's like you just said, it's not about money. It's more about um respect. And I think because this is going on for so long and you i've allowed IT to go on so long and this patterns and set now um I want to rewrite the rules I guess well.

since ela mary yog to rewrite them together.

right and so I .

think it's amount of set down. Have a conversation and say, hey, we've been married for a few .

years I need you to do this right to help me have positive, respectful feelings toward you and what .

can I do for you so that you can have positive, respectful, ful feelings towards me? Let's put all that on the table. Let's give each other a chance for success.

Yeah, a hundred percent of what you don't say he can't hear.

right?

I've been forty, forty three years. I'm still .

working day. I am too me and I am too the .

things that are insurance head that I have never .

heard our amazing you trouble for them .

Better x wrong. This is the ramsey show. Guys, I ve never done this before, but i'm partnering with a nutrition company, field of Greens.

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De rami, Greens, come slash rami. Thanks for joining as amErica doctor john delon y. Rami personality is my co host today. Appreciate you guys hanging out. Hey, if you like what you hear around here, we could use your help.

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so this cut right to the case that I just take out my first didn't know ever super no wrecking its for my masters and so short and it's about forty five thousand that's without the interest. So i'm just trying to figure out what's a great time to start on that, like how to tackle the super fast. I don't want to be with this or like ten years.

you just took out your first alone for a semester or you just finished a degree program and yet forty five .

thousand knowledge in the whole no so it's it's six it's like six thousand a semester um but they just gave IT all off to me at once. So forty and forty five grand is what they give .

me at one who's they i've never heard of that ever.

It's financially faster, faster.

So they just cut you a check into positive for forty five thousand dollars.

Well, not into my band. They go directly to my school and then they start paying at that way. So already given to my school and my school just take IT out.

okay? So you're .

starting your masters and you just financed the all thing. Well.

I hurt dave. I bet what happened is I bet they have you've been approved for the entire program. I bet they don't have a check for I bet your university doesn't have a check for forty five thousand dollars because they wouldn't prepare like that because you could quit, you can drop out, you could be a whole thing.

But my guess is you approved for the program in the school, gave you a letter that said you've qualify for forty five thousand dollars in federal aid, and every semester going have to read up and rep and rep and rep. That's my guess as to what happened. I've i've never heard the country.

You're just starting the masters and you're spending forty five thousand to get a masters and social work to make what kind of money?

Not the about nine grand what to be a yes for there's no way .

you'll make ninety grand.

Let's think that is gallery import for IT .

where right now I worked .

in a hospital .

in this, a starting social worker with the L W. Makes ninety thousand dollars .

not starting out? No, but i've been doing social work in case manage and after years so with the experience and once I get they're going, i'm already making Christ right now. So they are bumping IT up wow.

that's that's extraordinary. I'm good for them because that's a file that needs more people that drastically is is usually underpaid. I would as as a guy whose i've taught graduate school in mental health programs, i've lived this world, what I would plead to you is to you make fifty thousand dollars a year, I would cut back to the next three years and cash flow.

This program, please, please, please don't change yourself to the federal government and then try to go into a serving profession. It's a recipe for a burnout and you're it's just gonna elt you from the inside out. Please don't do this.

Yeah, I was one of my big fears. I did definitely don't want IT going for so long too. And when .

IT comes to doing lingers.

don't take the chat.

pay cash for your good degree is .

watch online six thousand knowledges semester, go pay out right for the three semesters plus .

three thousand hours every any financial matching for .

education not no, because i'm not. No, they only may .

IT for nurses and would .

entice me to IT was because they said at first that they would. And then when I got here, they said, oh, sorry, no.

it's just for yes, i'd find another place to work too. While you're read IT.

i'm serious.

one hundred percent serious. If they're if you're going to lure you in and they're going to be switch a company without integrity, I would not work for. And I know this is a radical shift, but I would go to the school.

And so I need my semester by semester cost. And they're not going to tell you what depends if you take six or nine hours, whatever say what what is a full time and was a part time student going to cost. And then you make fifty thousand, thousand a year until you find another job where you'll make sixty.

I want you to cash for this. So what we're trying to tell you is that uneasy feeling inside of you when you called is real. It's right and it's telling you don't do this and we're telling you it's right don't do IT. The best way to get this degree is pay cash forward and um you know look for someone, maybe another maybe another employer that pays ninety when you're out but also will help with the education like this from promise.

But I was remick on 啊 and so let let's do a couple of things here that are pretty radical。 But if you can't just you sound pretty chill and if you can just allow all this to happen to you, it's onna step on your face. Don't allow this to happen.

You need to stand up, square your shoulder and head straight into this with your teeth with with a warrior yellow girl. I mean, you need to get after IT Johnson and Jackson, mississippi hey, john, welcome to the ramsey show, Better than I deserve. What's up?

Have a question about getting S, B, A, the purchase of business. Which thoughts on .

that is never.

never, never.

under any circumstances, to disaster. Why would you buy? Why would you buy a business, a small .

business, a travel ten months of the year in my wife stays home with kids and taxing life? We're trying to find a happy medium for everybody, and we stumble what we think is a good opportunity for, say, and we just .

there what what is the industry that the business looking .

at making side.

okay. And how much is the .

purchase point?

Two million dollars. Yeah for a sign franchise.

It's not a franchise. It's a person that start the business and he .

is looking to retire. Okay, let me give you a different way to skin this cat. Maybe okay, but um let me IT eighty percent of small businesses fail in the first five years.

okay? The number one cause of small business failure when we survey them and we work with ten thousand small businesses and on our leadership right now is what's called cash flow problems. Cash flow problems is A A, A phrase that means a lot of things, but IT primarily means two things.

I can't pay my debt payments, ts, and I didn't pay my taxes on time, and I get screw by the federal government. And so you're going to have a million two floating around around your neck trying to drag you down while you're trying to run a business this guys already been running for a few years, and that's like trying to swim with an anchor. Totter around your ankle is a bad plan.

So let's go out. There is a different way. What is the net profit on his business?

Um he pays himself a salary.

but now what's the net profit on the business .

on the average over the last four years of around two and fifty?

Okay, I may toes a little rich.

Yeah okay. We know that part of IT were just were in the beginning process of times you.

So here's how I have taught some people who I hand the business to the next generation and want to be bought out. Or they have to the employee, an employee or a buyer like you, they want to be bought out. I don't want you to get payments on a million two and felt he decide we're having another quarante tine.

Okay, that put you in a bankrupt course, sir. I did a bunch of people and because nobody making signs or making plastically lash, but they we're making signs. So you were screw if I was, if you done this two years ago.

So learn a lesson from that. Now what you can do is agree to pay him eighty or ninety percent of the profits after you take a basic small salary out until he gets his million and about a millions about what it's worth. But if you make two hundred fifty thousand years on IT and you gave me ninety percent of IT, you'd have been paid out in four and a half years.

But exactly.

And he get his money really, really fast that way. But you're living on a wage to get till you get him off. You're back.

But if profits go down, you're only committed to give him a present. Your profits. So you're you're not bank up. Then S, B, A, you can take your house stood.

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Justin is in hesburgh, mississippi. Hate Justin. Welcome to the ramsey show.

Hey, thank you, David. John IT is awesome to talk to. Are .

unexcited absolutely. How can we help?

So my wife and I are on baby step two. And we're trying to get really gazer intense to payoff our debt. And I wanted to see if you and doctor john could speak to the physical and mental chAllenge of working eighty to ninety hours a week on the physical side being like, you know, for tie, lack of sleep. And on the mental side, you know, your mind just tear you to call IT the day when you still need to grind out those last few hours to make a really good week.

Why are you losing sleep but your planet sleep time left?

Well, I guess like that. You work sixteen hours and you have you an hour commute, you know, eating and stuff like that, you may get, you know, five to six. And on a longer day you make IT four hours of sleep.

I often see folks tried to continue their life. They were living before they went as elena, and they tried to squeeze IT in meaning I used to watch um all the shows will not have to watch my two and there's an hour right there or there's an ha half and I want to go to every single little little game will during guzzle instance city you can cry to miss some games worse some shifts and that's okay if you like playing a longer game. But I would wonder how much. How much all in aria?

Yeah if there's some of that and yeah check your actual time on IT on where your actual hours are going. Number one, then sleep is necessary. The second thing though is, is you're not asking yourself to do this long term.

This is a short spread, right? It's not. It's not this is not sustainable for five years. That's not what we're asking themselves to do. And I GTA feel and just in talking to you that you have done um in the past, maybe in sports or something else, you've done something where you stretched yourself to a limit and um if you if your personally done that, you've experienced any of us that have done that, uh, physical or mental or otherwise, you'd never return to the same shape after that. That's the benefit of the stretch.

Yes, I have. God has really blest me with a body that .

can handle a lot. yeah. And so you know, once you've done have marathon, you've done a marathon, you've done a whatever.

The the thing is that push you physically and mentally or whatever, then you IT changes your level of confidence to change the way you're swagger, the way you look at the world after that, because you accomplish the goal and and you know, you break the tape and you and you go through. So that's the way that i'd have done. IT is a number one.

I look at IT as a short term play and so it's not going kill me because right before you die from hard work, you pass out, don't know about that and it's okay. So but the so it's not going kill me and in short term. And the second thing is, is i'm going to get more benefits than just the money.

In this case, you you're doing that to make a lot of money to get out that, okay, but i'm going to get character benefits, emotional, psychological, spiritual benefits, even relational benefits because as a couple, we now know we can do things we didn't know we can do before. As an individual, I know, no, I can do that because before. And that gives me a different level of what I can do that.

And I can do another thing. And if I can do that, then I can do another thing. And that's that's what this is versus being a typical fat amErica and sit on their couch, watch and netflix and they regret ches themselves at all.

And just there is some incredible neuroscience that is obviously this doesn't to you. You can't game in our hacked this system, but you've known people who get under a squad bar and they feel that weight and they get that weird smile and there's been people who get into that bar and it's like, h you having to get off.

Where does people says this pain is going be worth this, worth this and in the other person says, I need to opt out of this pain right now. And so there's it's the your mindset as your driving home. You can be like this. So tired to hate all this is the worst. I'm so tired, I just click another .

click how long you're been .

marked with been marry five years.

how SHE done with all .

this um so that's interesting to ask that uh one of the other kind of hard works for me is like say that he has a day off now at work you know when that shows last few hours when I still got you know four hours left and a very tired and SHE send a text like, you know I miss you ready to see you I will take myself, my man, and where you see you too. I want to go home that I like, you know, I need to stay here another few hours yes.

I know you last fifty pounds, but here's some fresh bike cookies.

But also also, again, that your minds that broke, she's reaching out sane. I want you to know i'm not at work with you, but I mean this with you, right? And it's really easy for you to be like, oh yeah, you know me so yeah, I do your best to a mean you in a short sprint, do your best to roll .

that out so the good news is she's not she's .

not winning about she's not going on yeah you never your home with me won't home because .

unmarried the country girls to help belly. And if if they learned one thing at her house growing up, I was unbelievable. Hard work.

SHE has no patients. Ts, for people that won't work hard, especially if IT was her husband. And so I got the opposite. I'm like, get your butt out here and get this mess cleaned up. What's wrong with you, you know and so I was SHE kick me out the door, you know and so occasionally now when I don't need to work, she's like, would you go to work and get away? You know, like and so you know so the uh but he but that so I had the benefit of a spouse that was beyond supportive support is not the correct SHE supported you with her foot .

with her fun yeah yes.

But I mean, in your case, you've got a sweet one that's being sweet and saying that a mitsue, but i'm proud of you so you might even tell her that just go hate listen when you do that IT makes me not angry with you, but that makes me angry with this whole situation that makes the hard to work five more hours. So if you would do that and just add at the end of IT, i'm proud of you.

You got this is sure would help me when my wife was pregnant Josephine after um SHE had we had had hank SHE gave me a list that was just not a long list IT was a short list but he gave me a list of questions I was not allowed to ask in the hospital and when he was in labor and I said, why did you do this but he said because I know you love me and I know you're going to ask how you feeling, is that hurt you OK? Do you need anything? And he said, when you asked this question, he makes me, I want to set my eyes ls on fire. Just have to look at your body, right? So he said, the best way you can love me is don't do this all let you know and so I think for you, just like David said, if you let know, hey, when you reach out and I know you're tell me that your problem and you love me, but IT just makes me hate me in at work and that which makes me hate myself and that makes me at all this can you just text me, sam.

so proud to you and i'll know that you miss me you when you run in the stadium stairs um you you have no memory of doing that. When you look at the score board at the end of superb when you won.

you make that catch you .

have no memory of running the stadium stairs your brain, your brain allows you to do that only the celebration just in your stud man and proud of and I think you can be OK. The good news is you're smart enough to talk about IT and say, i'm tired, not have to even take a look. okay? I've got to take a day.

I'm done. I've got to take at least a day. I can't break. You know where your limits are, but pushing those limits is not a permanent thing, not a way of life.

It's a moment in time, and the benefits are going to exceed the pain. I can promise you live like no one else, so that later you can live and give like no one else. One of the questions I get all the time is which life insurance company should I use for my m life policy?

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So our producer, James, went through the archives. And a thousand years ago, when black thomson was producing this show, he actually did a comedy bit on that all. John thought I made that up just few months ago, and I couldn't take credit for IT because actually Blake made IT up and James found the old comedy bit. You just have a date on IT.

IT doesn't. But I I would .

believe that it's over twenty years ago.

easy. IT was before there .

was color on t all right. Here's from over twenty years ago, what the the rams I show, then called the day ramsey show might have sounded like .

nationally syndicated talk radio host dave ramsey is often said that there is no magic pill for getting out of debt. Well, sorry, mr. Ramsey, but there is.

And it's called death al det. Nose, a one hundred percent all natural drug that is guaranteed to control your spending and control your desire to overspend one pill a day. And you will no longer feel the need to spend money you don't have. We have created this drug because we care about you that know the pill that cares. Minor's side effects .

may include .

tee heade nervous though, expose the area in soma, I can't sleep, browsing is horrible nightmares, astronomical .

tram o my like.

and a running nose that brought you by the credit, the association of america, credit the easy way the show used to be so good they would happen.

And we brought on cold.

Got a Blake, good old days used to walk up hill both ways in .

the show that was probably done on a concept tape. Actually, i'm trying to think I know the the voice on the discourse. Blake, the other voice, what I think was mpt, bill hampton is IT.

okay. So yeah, that's it's over twenty years, then maybe twenty five years old. That's funny. I don't care who you are still work so timeless. All right, have five orders .

on the rai.

We want to tail you guys. Advertiser Jordan is in los Angeles. Hi Jordan, how are you?

I'm doing well. They've think you are.

You do Better than I deserve.

What's up? yes. So I just have a couple questions. Like constant financial panic, anxiety, worry, a lot of its stemming from the environment outside of me. Um I can go into numbers with everything from personal in a bit. I'll give you little background so I I like you. I did have a lot of early success in my late teens, uh early twenty and now twenty seven um within the entertainment industry and also just working my my button.

I always when they get saver um and then unfortunately cover hit would shut down my every of my my world role I had going on and then also at the same time I came down with with a pretty vere dibbled ating um underlying disease of cushing disease uh loops and romano arthritic uh that has develop throughout the year. So um all of that has just let me to think that what is my future going to look like because it's very hard for me to do physical labor. My worker right now is pretty limited and I have just been stuck in this right of I don't want to, I make you to when I have to spend something as small as like putting twenty boxing for gas.

I way up to my rent. I'm just looking in the fear and panics for my future. And i've been trying to think of an income stream because of my elements that makes IT very difficult.

And i've caused him stop going. It's frustrating because my body is holding me back. I have like that entrepreneur mindset, but I just don't know what .

IT is for me or how do you help you.

Um I don't know how to manage what to do with the money I currently have OK .

how much money do you currently have?

So I have i'm incorporated I incorporation Younger after I got a pretty nice job um I have a uh in my business checking right now have uh about twenty four thousand five hundred. I opened up a business C D, which has about ninety two thousand in there. I have a checking town of eight thousand right now.

I have a account of fifty two thousand five hundred. I had a checking C D of forty thousand six hundred. Um I have I I I did have I wasn't a neutral fn as Younger, and there was some issues with the the accountant who was advising IT. Um and so those got liquidated and during my time out, Young of to watch bunch of videos and of course thought a bunch of .

precious metals a lot .

of just i've about forty answers of gold and nine hundred ounces of silver, which I believe right now is a one hundred thousand total.

You get four hundred thousand box, you any money .

currently? And I I do also have I opened up A A robot advisor and slawa recently because I just felt like I was just doing nothing with my money.

So what you live.

I live and still renting.

Do you .

have an income at the .

moment?

yeah. And I would .

be going to bed, just friend of friend. You strugling with things I do when you're Younger, right?

I started in my late sense, yes.

What's the first time you remember that that that your body kind took off on you? And that scared .

you in terms of my health, of my anxiety .

both because they worked .

to ah about twenty years and nineteen nineteen years old, nine anxiety took off. My health is cake in a couple .

years later and and again, I don't want to get over my skies here this this week to talk for hours on IT, but a auto mune body is a body that is so red lined out that it's been trying to shut you down for a long time, and you will find another way to shut IT down, right? Because it's to fight and swinging and run in from everything and that you just described, right? And when you show go with things that is a Younger kid, IT sometimes looks different than IT does when you're adult. But then when you take that angst and then you go played up on a stage or on a screen and all those voices telling you what how to look and what to stand, what you shouldn't do and where you should go may, and that's just a it's like taking a blender and putting IT inside of, you know, a jet engineer right in spin in a suck arab and IT doesn't surprise me that you've been very, very successful because you're clearly brilliant in you have been able to keep some of the anxiety demands abbey through achievement accomplishment in addio ys and IT also doesn't surprise me that your body said, i'm shut you.

I'm shut you down. I caught up with you just .

here and very.

very frustrating ing because again, and that will work and do whatever I .

have to do .

and he was important .

that about money I that if you if you follow dave steps and clean up all your money and that's all you do, you're going to go with you on that journey and you're going to have cleaned up money and you going to have an an ounce of security there, and then your brain is gonna leap frog to the next thing. And you know that, right?

Because it's been a leapfrogged on you for years. You so what you you while you've been an incredible income earner and it's apparent that you've done something that I had incredible talent because people page you a lot of money for IT. Uh, so a what you'd never had in any of these situations is a .

sense of control.

You didn't feel like you you feel feel like ever even though you had a big old pa money, you still didn't feel like I was all in control and is still today and feel like a control. So I think there is probably A A two pronged approach here. And that would be you called on the perfect day with doctor john l.

loni. Here is you getting a sense of control in your life, a sense of the chaos push back, and you choosing to set up really firm boundaries with the whole bunch of things to say, this is what I do, this is what I don't do, this is what I do, this is what I don't do. And you get some very clear kind of black and White type response to everything.

A because your um uh creative brain allows you to work out about seventy three scenario altana ously instead of yes or no. And you just need to get real simplified and go to yes or no. And so no, we don't do precious metals as go hand cash those out and get those into cash.

No, we don't walk around with no income. So let's try to figure out something we can put our hand to. Yes, we're going to send you a book called on your past change your future from doctor john dolan. I read through that because there's whole lot of what's going on in that .

book is going on with you get .

that out of here, both of those and I want a total money make over book will help you with the money part too but you it's controlling the controllability that's gona get this moving. This is the mg show. Do you ever feel like you're finally making progress towards goals only to get quickly distracted by something else in your feet? Well, that's why we created the ramsey network, your single source for content that keep you motivated.

The m. Zy network, APP, is designed to keep you laser or focused on reaching your goals. Loaded with over seven thousand hours of ramsey shows this free APP is the best place for an interrupt ted content and no distractions, plus you can search specific questions to get more personalized content in seconds.

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If you're listening on a podcast, just click the link in the show notes to download our free rampy network up today. Live from the headquarters of ramsey solutions. It's the razi show where we helps people build wealth, do work that they love and create actual amazing relationships.

I'm day rams to your host doctor john alone. Number one, selling off the host to the doctor john loni show on the ramsey network, one of the more popular or youtube in podcast in amErica a day. He's my co host.

Open phones, triple a eight, two, five, five, two, two, five. Jennie is with this in san tono, texas. Hi, Jennifer. Welcome to the rami show.

Hi, thanks for taking with me today and i'm I really appreciated as I love you days but I think my question probably a little bar for joon so not I hurt your ego anything but .

he's got two. P, H, D. I just have one and manage .

and his ego, trust me.

it's doing just fine.

Sorry, sorry, my bad. I just I was like, I never you're losing .

your sweet.

How can we help? I'll be OK. How can do to help? What's up?

Um i'm calling because um so I have a decrypt in twenty twenty one and you know i'm debt free and well i'm dead free after you know paying on the K I an I S and um and then I was one of the very few that had their public service. I know I worked for the federal government and I was what a very few that had their moons for, given I worked for the federal government thirteen years. And I feel like a lot of shame.

I I feel ashamed, but the thankful. But I also feel a thing of public service forgiven ness in the way, because, like, I mean, I took advantage of the program that was available me, that i'm proud serving the government so long. But I guess I feel a little little, I don't know.

I tell people not like colon all the time, you know, all the data shows the various people ever can have IT happen to them, don't want them to come on, you know, I just happen to be in that window where IT worked for me. And I was like, I won the lottery. But I like you seemed that I want IT a lot of.

yeah. So jen fer, jane, I am actually going to change direction a little bit okay, when IT comes to shame, I can talk about all day long. But lucky for you you you you how you call the number where there's more than just um academic answers. I actually think the person who .

talk his day, he's been .

there a well, I see I have what do I know if I talk .

about IT talk lived experience, which is much more valuable .

so your bankrupt .

um I you know I make good money, but um I have a disability and I was only go in to work like two weeks a month after my brother died the disability became sk seeing my all these medical issues that had come up. So even though the what and to .

stop what's the nature of your disability honey I .

have made or depressive disorder and after my brother died I became like suicidal. And there were relax three. And so and you had.

and you had dats that you couldn't pay because of that.

Yes, I was making very minimal payments. And then I went to the bishop to even get helped for a year, about eighty 门。 The bishop I literally set down at my church, like every month, like, how can we figure out of this hole? But the medical bills were still so high, but I still couldn't.

Even I had this big shovel. The medical bills just kept coming, and then I couldn't. I was really struggling to work over and over.

Hey, a favorite ennio er will you take a real world, real deep breath as deep as you can take a super deep and want you to hold IT for three to excel. There's a lot of people in the world that are giving you a lot of advice and run on their mouth and telling you should be doing this. And David, I am not going to do that.

We're going here with you. Okay, okay, you don't have to. I can hear you trying to out run the shame in a circle right on the phone. With this, you'll have to do that. Okay, great.

Here's the thing we're with you. When I file bankrupt, I at twenty eight years old, the reason for my bankruptcy was I had borrows too much money. I had borrowed IT in such a way that IT allowed the banks to come and take my freaking head off.

Yes, is my fault. I don't think a person who has a issues with depression, becoming depressed after the loss of their brother is something you did wrong. So I, my actions, my actions were shameful. Your actions were not shameful.

Well, I feel like the dead actions were shameful that I put myself in touch about.

You were vulnerable because of that, but you probably would have made IT without bankrupt y if you hadn't been unable to work for a period of time.

Yeah, the bishop said that actually set down and I mean every month you think if you weren't so sick now a help you like you're helping me even with around you know but at one point he said, you know prising and the you know because where stewards of the lords money you know he's like is this is the hand up, not a helmet he's all but every month I see that you're putting everything you can you into pain give but this I think this might be our only okay.

So let me ask you, this is obviously the last your brother, that tragedies in the review mirror. Are you doing things to deal with the .

depression issues?

yes. And then so what I did in my case was, in my case was I did something, something to deal with my stupidity. And so i'm not gonna make the same mistakes again.

And therefore I don't have to sit and be bringing my hands about the shame of the bankrupcy, the bankrupt and mark was caused by me. So they were shame. They were shame in docs, for sure. Okay, but the way I do t with that, to answer your question was I said, okay, how what steps do I have to take to be a different person that calls this system never happen again? If I take those steps, then the things in my review, mira, it's just one of the many stupid things i've done in my life that I don't want .

to do again yeah in junior? Or can we agree that sometimes you all things .

and those feelings .

aren't true? yes. Okay.

true. I know that .

to be I but you .

keep journal with of the things .

you feel when you feel like you're taking of the energy of folks and you feel like you should have want you to write that down. And I want you to hold IT at arms link and ask yourself, is this true? But you know what to be objective about a cousine? If you can be objective, take IT to your councillor and says, is true because the answers is gonna. no. But when you have a feeling and you begin to believe that feeling that your bodies off to the races.

yeah, zero. Shame for for the student. One forgiveness. no. And the shame on the any part you had with irresponsibly you say i'm not doing that anymore.

Any part you had was taking on too much dead. I'm not doing that anymore, but the depression taking you away from work. I'm not blaming you for that one. Get to that was a new review mayor, too, though the beautiful thing about life is the review mayor is smaller than the windshield that's called Grace walk in that kid. This is the ramsey show.

This show is sponsored by Better help. This month is all about gratitude, and most of us have people in our lives who are grateful for. One of those people for me is the great honor, will Thompson.

He told me at to be a dad, a husband, a professional and had a baLance caring for a bunch of people all the same time. We all know if somebody else we can be grateful for, but there's one person that we often don't take time to think ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving that were moving forward and that we're working towards a Better life and Better relationships.

And in a world where everything's gone bunkers, it's not always easy. So here's my reminder to thank the people that you love, thank the people in your life, and thank you. Sometimes we need some professional help to talk to somebody, train to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially in the holiday season.

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Doctor john, a loni rampy personality, is my co host today. Thanks for being with the amErica open. Phones tripled, eight, two, five, five, two, two, five. Thanks for being here. Based on our rankings were in the top ten podcast in the entire world, top fifteen podcast entire world.

Uh, and that has gone up recently uh, based on our ratings on radio, based on our spotify and our apple numbers and our youtube numbers, there's a whole bunch of you that are new. Thank you. We're honor to have you in our audience are we will love you and we will tell you the truth and sometimes that will make you mad.

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Let people know about. Leave a five star review, mom. A said, if you hang getting nice to say, don't say anything at all.

So five stars work. Thank you very much. We're glad you're here.

We preciate you with Williams and santa ono. Remember the problem? What's up?

Good afternoon, dave. I had a rather unfortunate financial incident in our marriage happened last fall. My wife got victimized in an internet fraud and not only lost sizable among a cash, but also took out some loans to help these people.

And a some of those were short term credit card, things like buying gift cards. And then there were two installment loans. One was for twenty three thousand five hundred. One was for seventeen thousand five hundred. The rest of them, the smaller credit cards in such i'm using the snowball method to take care of those, but I need advice on the installment loans.

When he comes to this fraud, it's usually one of of two things, usually at some sort of romantic interest or at some sort of somebody crying out for help with medical assistance are some sort of injustice. What is IT in in .

your situation? Um IT would I would be the former. My wife and I have been having been having some problems, been together for twenty five years. Yeah, no things just kind of the, I don't know, they happened the night, didn't didn't see the warning signs.

How's you?

But it's it's much Better. I've been i've been getting therapy and he has been to and we've been making some in roads and just a basic stuff like how we speak to each other.

And i'm pretty man, hard.

Try, try. Well, here's the thing. I have a bunch of people tell me I would, I would divorce somebody that would do that.

I'm not gonna throw away twenty five years. I said I would make a full year as a concerted effort to get this thing turned around financially and emotionally. And part of the emotional thing is me.

I realized I needed to do some so work. And so we're both do in therapy. And IT seems to be benefiting.

Well, be king of light for a men who are find themselves in in emotional situations without the right tools in the tour kit. And you can do one or two things. You can take up your tour kit and go home, or you can, you can storm the gates of hell and try to find more tools. And that's what you're doing. And proud of you.

man.

Thank you.

Does what's your households in comes for?

Go sixty nine thousand.

Okay, um does he work outside the home?

No, we're we're both in amid seventies. No, we're both retired.

Oh, boy.

So there's money there to take care of the short term stuff money .

you have a next stag.

Um we we still have some resources as a four one k and I have some I have some money in my account. All the Better in her name.

What is the how much money is in your account?

Only five thousand dollars .

in how much money is for a one key.

Be about the same logs and not .

counting these two in storm at loans. How much missoni as is there?

The little credit card mosque?

Es, yeah, i'm gonna say nine, ten thousand.

I've got an income .

tax refund check. Two thousands gonna get knocked .

off for that. And I would write to check. I would write to check out of yours today and pay off all the create cards that leaves the forty and close all the accounts.

Okay, now that is a gesture on your part towards the healing that you're searching for. The forty is still sitting there. Will come back to that in a minute. Then I want to meet with her and her therapies in your therapies and how we all are doing this marriage stuff. And somehow you've got to get some checking baLances and start to incremental rebuild trust that you're not growing good money after bad.

This didn't happen again because in the back of your mind, you're if I clean this out and this happens again, I am, get anywhere to go that's what's happening in the back, your mind. So you've got to know that this is solid going forward before you write any more big checks. But nine thousand, but nine thousand dollars in the scope of your life. You would pay that right now for healing. And I would.

yeah, yeah.

let's get rid of all the mosquitoes. Es, get IT down to seventeen five and twenty three five. And then let's just sit there were those two while we work on this relationship and as your trust reaches closer to one hundred percent, and that was going to require some demonstrations, as well as on her part and your part and healing and some time to rebuild.

And as that is rebuild and you approach one hundred percent on that, almost start trying to figure out to get those paid off. But right now I want to clear the the White knowers the clutter out of my mind with all these little bills that because every time you write a to check on this IT picks the scale, IT opens the wound. And i'm trying to get IT down the right in just two checks.

That's very perceptive.

You're ride. I mean, I get pissed off all all over again. Every time you do this and you have to go through the whole process you be doing and therapy, you start forgiveness again.

You start to have to go back through the whole thing and you just you start having all these conversations between your ears that we all do this. That's how I know I wouldn't be guilty of IT. No, not me. But yeah but I mean, yeah you're right. Checks for things you that reminds you a bad thing.

just bad. So they've at what point? And again, in service of choosing reality is owning. This is where we find ourselves due to people in their seventies have to commit to go back to work for a year and earn another forty thousand dollars to pay these death.

If she's of good health, I mean, I would talk to her therapist about this. I'm not going to intervene in that. But if she's a good health, like both, she's trying to return trust and twelve stepping here, make a in yeah, I think he goes back to work and sharks working on these are the two loans. I think that's not because of financial, but just I think that's a representative movement towards owning there.

You will give a place for the energy.

Michaels IT is a twelve step thing. And so you going to go back and where you can correct the wrongs is part of being repentant or sorry, you know.

And nobody wants to work in our seventies, and that's where we find our self.

And nobody wants to get scant by romance on the internet. What we find ourselves. This is the ramsey show, you guys. I'm not a fan of the big banks.

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Thank you for journey as amErica doctor john delon y. Rami personality is my cohosh. Today, the ramsey shows question of the day is brought to you by why refile student owned debt is a swamp of thousands of people, and they found IT hard to escape.

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states are these question comes from marisa in alabama. Marra asks, how do you tell the difference between having a the talent of compassion or determine and the compulsion to help as a trauma response is IT possible that I could on quote, talent may have developed as a survival mechanism, and another talent not developed well due to trauma?

I mean, I got reaction here is IT doesn't matter, it's an academic exercise um if you are helping other people to the point that you can eat or they hole or you um are an abusive relationship in order to keep other people from getting mad to you then that's not healthy um I often say that the skills people learn when their kids to survive can become some of the greatest skills professionally for them um but if if is all all this is doesn't matter. Don't think that matters. I missing the question, dave.

Now IT feels like there's kind of too possible fAilings for me. I mean one is um I don't trust together and walk with a lump direct.

So if um if if you got .

IT all together and you're perfect, you're full of crap.

you scare me if you .

survived yeah but I went through bankrupcy. I lost everything because I was stupid, which informs my ability to do this right. But i'm not doing IT as a um as a healing mechanism to get over my past trauma. I'm utilizing that experience to give insight to the future. That's a healthy way to do IT.

Yes, I yes.

I guess you're doing IT as a coping .

mechanism can be a parasite. You can be a vamp using other .

people so that you feel Better. That's coping mechanical.

not a you, not a heal, correct?

But so if the trauma, the the damage from the trauma the wound is is what's driving this, I think that's a problem. Yeah that's and .

that's one of my rules.

I don't talk about things you you shouldn't be in the business of sell things or help other people with open wounds, right? And how do you know the wounds still open? Can you talk about what happened in your heart rate doesn't take off as though it's happening in real time that you know can you talk about your mom passed away from an ugly three year about of cancer and you're not overwhelmed the motion, you might still be sad, you might still feel heavy, but you can have a conversation that's .

how you know you hear overwhelmed with emotion. You're not a position to help some.

right? That's a doctor Young to teach us. Don't bring your chaos to other people is hurting situation so um but here's a thing if you're good .

at a thing because you got a scar that's heeled got less.

you use IT yeah get out there.

man. Scar that's heal the trick. I think yes and I might be wrong, but I uh and that doesn't mean um I mean I still think it's okay for people to criticize me and say how can you possibly get financial and I sure to other one background, you know and I get IT, you know I get that but I do have insight because of that that someone who turn bankrupt doesn't have right.

So here's here's another way that to look at this. So let's say you, a child basing the home of two, a alcoholic people still with alcohol, a dot child of an cohosh, and you learned how to get really small and to make sure the people around you, um we're okay and you just learn that is IT okay to then go into a job, uh, where you're a ahead of hospitality somewhere where your job is to disappear and to help other people have a great experience.

No, it's not a bad thing. If you are doing IT out of a compulsion because you have to like your retirement earlier, then it's not healthy because you're never onna become a whole because you're always going to looking for healing out there. Um but yes, if you have some talents that you learned while trying to stay safe and survive, that's amazing. That's like our friends who go over and they .

are um navy seals .

and they come back and they they walk with business leaders who are going through chAllenging times and how does to communicate on stress and that's fantastic. You learn new talents under the rest and now you're using us to help the rest of us. That's amazing. Um so so is .

if he said the phrase the compulsion to help as a trauma response, that would that be functioning out of the wound.

not out of a healed wound?

Absolutely okay. yes. So if you if if you feel like it's a compulsion to help out of a trauma response is wrong. But if you got designation and compassion because of trauma, that's a healed wound and that's a scar here.

Here's the difference I have to versus I get to .

a computer if I have .

to like when someone calls and says, hey, can you come serve at the local church thing like i've got ta do this that's not a, that's not a good thing. That's childhood nonsense. If you are, you say, you know, I get to go help over there that's pretty cool then that's a gift. Then I would say you're, well.

go get IT done. That's interesting. I like that right question. Very handsome questions. You know what the the other thing about a question like that always think of is bubble teacher used to tell me is, you know probably if you ask that question you don't have a problem, right?

Or you recognized the problem and I have a path healing .

yeah but I mean your recent you're seeing things at a proper angle yeah.

And i'll tell you my initial earth with that question was, I just think the modern mental health ecosystem, universe, whatever wants us to second guess in deep dive in yet on every single thing. And I think there is so much research coming out saying go do the next right thing.

a lot of aging.

go do the next right thing. And if you can help people based on what happening, your kid, man, that's the gospel. That's restoration. That's all things made new. Go use what happened for good if you're healed, yes.

or if you're, you know, doing IT out of a heeld play, that's right. You so forth. So good.

Phone number here is triple, eight, eight, two, five, five, two, two, five. David is in grand. Rap is high. David, how are you?

Hi, i'm doing great. Thanks for having me. What's up? My, my wife and I, we've always refused to go in the death for anything other than the mortality. This we we just paid off our house. We did a fifty year margins, played up four years, four months.

Your amazing.

Thank you. What's the household? Ah it's about three ninety right now.

Wait gow, how much in your nesting and you're foreign .

casion stuff yeah so a roby rates um between the two of us we get three hundred and six, six thousand .

and thirty five to go let go when we .

have mutual so one hundred eight thousand hundred .

nineteen wow, good good for you.

Our our total annual income between the two of us part in one hundred and twenty thousand dollars um the question I have long story short, my image, awsome hunting property my father law passed away this past may my mother love ready to sell the property. He wants to keep that in the family, if possible, we would love to buy IT SHE is she's learning to sell to us for one hundred and twenty two thousand .

and e's wrong, you have the money rider .

a check OK cash out.

your mutual .

phone cash off of .

absolutely. You don't want be in dead to your mother's law. IT changes the way thanksgiving .

dinner takes. I'm not kidding.

Borrowers slave to the winter. The air in the room changes when you sit down with your master, right? Don't do IT you know how free you felt when you paid off that mortgage?

Yes, I drew that up.

Yeah, right?

Especially on a higher archy. I rather, oh, a bank. My mother in law, my mother is, is lower.

But yes, this 是， this is that bad? You right here and you got the money.

but no, you got the money. I would d bye for one .

hundred grand. You got one hundred ninety in your metro phone.

How big is the property?

About five, five years.

I I mean, the value is right. I don't think it's a problem, but pay cash. Ford don't do.

If you can't pay cash for IT, don't do IT and never do a land contract, you'll get spread over six weeks from sunday on that. I could do a whole segment on land contracts. This is the ramsey show.

Hi guys today, rams here and I got a big announcement. I'm coming to a city near you live on the money and relationships tour with doctor john the loni. This is the most interactive event we've ever done.

You get to decide what we talk about. You do not want to miss this or becoming the level garum atlanta pinch forwards and kansas city in April and may of twenty twenty five. Get your tickets and more information at ramsey solutions not come slash tour. For those of you on youtube and on podcast, this be our last segment for the day.

You can pick up the other segment that we're going to do on the ramsey network, APP, and you can join IT for free, just go to ramsey solutions or go to downed the network APP on apple or google player, whatever, and join IT free and you listen to all the whole show or you can listen the last segment, what if you want to it's all there for free from the ramping network APP. You can also enter, uh, a question. This question comes from the arms in network APP t to ask a question without ever having to call in, you can click the link in the show notes or download the APP for free. Once in the APP, you can navigate to the ramsey show a click, ask your question and submit your question for the show.

Already question is from briona says, I was one month for my least ping up, and I had to leave early due to a domestic violence incident. I notified the property management company and send them the email with proof of the protection order. But just another day, I went to check my credit and they put a four thousand dollar debt into collections. I'm appealing IT, but if that doesn't work.

I just pay IT. Okay, what what happened to you is wrong and horrible, but IT does not release you from a lease. A protection order does not get you out of a lease.

You're you're appealing to the mercy .

at that yeah if they want to let you out, if you were working, if you were one of my time and I would let you out, but you're you can't just send them the email and go i'm out it's not to get out of jail free card no one intended um so you know you are liable for that last month. I don't know how I got to four thousand dollars for one month. You had one month left on the lash. Now they go on in four thousand years. I'm not sure what flip were you renting.

but or they added a bunch .

of fee may be torch the place. I don't know. I don't know what happened here, but you are still liable even though you have a protection order, even though you send an email that does not does not a one way thing where you just go, oh, i'm out. No, you're not out.

Unless they choose to let you out and they didn't respond, you don't have a response from them or at least you didn't mention that if you do saying we're going to let you go, if you've got that response, then you know zero because they said we're going to let you go so that you're you're free. But I don't think you've that I think you just send this to them and you thought that got you out. That's the way this is worded anyway and IT does not get you out.

I'm not tourney but IT doesn't you out so um uh you know what I would do? I don't know if you need to a pillet um I would just call the property management company. I'd go in person if you if you're in the town, go over there and try to meet with a senior person and see if you can negotiate you you're gonna have to pay some money because you, you know, you just count, walk you, you were in a horrible situation.

You needed to leave. I'm not telling you you did something wrong, but the assumption that you made that I got you out of the least was incorrect, right? And so you, you're gonna we some money now you gotta go figure out what and what you consider IT for you if it's a four thousand dollar of legitimate charges or a bunch open that are just beef ed up or whatever you might.

Satellite for that equal that one month and uh, but you're going to end up paying something. I think I don't think the judge is going to go, oh, wo you had a protection order? You don't have them under your contract.

It's like saying I got a protection designed to pay my car payment now that don't know how IT works. So uh, sorry, you're gonna up to pain something bryanna. And at the sooner you can get to somebody and get a settlement negotiation begun, you're Better off to do IT in person and you're Better off to do IT with the actual people, not the stupid lawyers. Um but if you can get that pull off, that's gonna your best out because you're not onna get out of dodge on this without paying simple joys and chess a pic Virginia hi joe, how are you?

Hi David.

have a going Better than I deserve. What's up?

So um beginning this year, we decided my wife seriously and um now we have paid off thirty thousand dollars and student loans and credit card debt good for you easily. My job and i've been in more different equipment directors.

all kind of so cool. How much money you .

might doing that honestly Normal about board .

if self knowledge a .

month woo w good for you. Yeah, you're good. hard. Can that's my career. I just kind by by what I can and fix IT up.

Well, you know, to turn ranch. Good for you, man.

Yeah yeah. Um my question is i'm at the point where I need to start my my six month and i've been at the high saunt and I see that the rater return is one I found that apply four was five point three one percent um my mortgage I will do a one hundred nineteen on its house that we built ourselves and of the interest way on that that is four point three percent. So my question is why should I not just put all of my income into the high yield savings account as long as the radar return is greater than the interest of? And um well.

because if you make one percent on one hundred thousand dollars, it's a thousand dollars. You don't have a thousand dollar problem. You have one hundred and fifty thousand dollar problem.

The secret to paying off your mortgage is not making one percent spread on a high yelled savings account. The secret to paying off your mortgage is do what you do with the thirty thousand and pay off your mortgage. Okay, the actual math, the actual math of what of this theory that you're running won't buy you a biscuit OK. That's what i'm saying. So you're making more money on tractors than you make .

on this in a week 啊。

You follow me.

yes.

Or if you get one hundred thousand and five percent and one hundred thousand and four percent, the spread is one percent. One percent of one or thousand dollars is one thousand dollars per year. You make that in a week.

Flip and tractors. So so IT is not it's not enough to screw with. So just pay off your mortgage, get your emergency fund done, and then go here and and go through the baby steps four, five and six and you'll be in great shape.

Man, yeah, I like to take that thousand box and divided monthly eighty.

eighty three dollars.

That's your sleep tax, and you'll more than make that back .

eighty three dollars .

a month to sleep deeper than you ever up in your .

life because nobody can take your houses just off now. 对 对对对， don't mess around with. They don't play games.

Good for you. Good question. Are right. Sams and syracuse. Hi, sam. How are you?

I'm good day for .

you Better than I deserve. What's up?

Hey so I kind I feel like it's a dumb question but um you're in .

the right place. I have been .

a couple dumb guys. We get.

You hey, so i've been with my girl for now for almost a little over year. Um I accumulated a large saw dead before I got with her. Well, as in the military, and I want to move forward with our relationship weve. We've discussed IT for the last now two months or so. Um I have the money set aside for the rain .

how much I about .

thirty five hundred .

and how much and dad do .

you have I would say roughly around .

fifty thousand and watch .

IT on um it's it's a few things. Um so one of them the credit card which is twenty five um one is from a repot from a previous relationship.

What do you make a year? The maximum .

I make about sixty five a year, I would say I .

point about twenty four, forty, two hundred, twenty six, twenty six. Okay, I almost like i've done this before. okay. Um and you you're saying you're saying you want to wait to get out of debt to get married.

I and that's the thing is like I you know I heard a few different um answers to that question.

Unless they're this answer that are wrong, the correct answer is get married OK. If you're pledged to get out of that and she's pledged to get out of that with you and you're line and an agreement on your money, get married .

at one of the big reasons I fell love with her.

I was very don't tell I think i've got fifty thousand until er I have forty nine thousand and four hundred and sixty two dollars in that and it's exactly this and this is exactly what I am going to do to get out because i'm the kind of man you want to marry because i'm getting this done. I'm a go getter. That's how you need to be. Don't give me I think I make I think I did get IT exact and kill IT. This is the rami show.

Hey.

you're still here.

What are you doing?

You do know that the rest of today show is playing right now over .

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