Shownotes Transcript
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Hello everybody and welcome back to the Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s.
It feels like there are a trillion little decisions that we need to make in our 20s. Some of them are nothing short of life-changing. And yet, when we find ourselves contemplating what path to take, where we possibly want to end up, it feels like we just simply have no idea. We have no idea what career path to take, who we want to be, where we want to live, who we want to be with.
what we want to change in the next six months, let alone the next five years. Instead, we get stuck in the space between where we are and making a choice.
mulling over all of our options again and again and again until quite frankly none of them feel like the right fit. There is also this big emphasis in our 20s on taking risks, making big big changes but if you don't really know what you want how can you even possibly choose what direction to take a risk in? I
I think a lot of us do have a problem with having the courage to take a chance on ourselves and to make those really, really huge decisions that are going to be life-changing. That is a problem of perhaps motivation, self-doubt.
courage. But what if you can't even choose in the first place? What if it is almost impossible? You have two equally good options or equally bad options, or there's just really no direction that seems to be calling you. Well, that is what I want to talk about today. What do we do when we are ready for a change, but we just don't know how to get ourselves to the place where
of making a choice. I'm feeling this very strong pull towards a big life decision myself. I'm feeling a big pull towards moving to evolving to starting something new. But the hardest thing for me to get over at least is just deciding.
making a choice between two, three, four options that all contain a different path, a different life. Those are the kinds of hard decisions that I want us to really discuss today. The kinds of decisions where there is not one clear answer. When we are seriously, utterly,
paralyzed with possibility. How is it that we move past this phase of indecision? How do we tap into what our subconscious is telling us that we really want? Because I do believe that deep down, we all know what we want when we're faced with a hard decision. We all know what is right to do, despite conflicting interests, despite external factors, despite
self-doubt. I want to talk about three exercises that we can use to really get to the bottom of a dilemma when it comes to hard decisions and what role, you know, fear and regret plays in this situation. So if you have been struggling to make a big life-changing choice in your 20s right now and
I think you have come to the right place. I'm very excited for this episode. I know it's something that a lot of us encounter. I want to make a change. I want to evolve. I want to transform. But how exactly do I do that? How do I make a choice as to what direction?
to move in, that is exactly what we are going to be addressing today. So without further ado, let us discuss the psychology and some of the secrets around how to make hard decisions. Each of us at some stage in our 20s is going to come to a fork in the road where each road looks just as promising and
or just as difficult and we don't really know what to choose. The answer is not immediately obvious or even obvious upon a second or a third look and for lack of a better word, we just feel really, really stuck. We've asked everyone for advice. Everyone's telling us different things. Now it is time to trust ourselves. But instead of trusting ourselves and going with our gut, we don't make a decision at all.
If we're using the path analogy of two forks in the road, we just stop walking altogether. We're unable to take a step forward. What we don't always realize is that in that moment, delaying our decision, not making a choice at all, that is actually a decision in itself. And it is a much worse decision than actually choosing. The worst decision is no decision. But we get really, really caught up in the minute decisions.
small details and possibilities of what could come next. This is really what makes hard decisions differ in my mind to our everyday or our medium or our less significant decisions.
They differ because of a few factors. First of all, the stakes are naturally really, really high. There are so many seemingly formative decisions to make during this period, during this decade of our lives. And it feels like each one really sets us on a course that we can't
turn back from some big ones are like what do I want to do as my career where do I want to invest my time do I want to invest it in experiences in education in memories in work same goes for finances where do I want to put my money where do I want to put my love
All of these big dilemmas are really core to who we are and the future that we imagine for ourselves. So deciding on one option or between a bunch of equally good options feels paralyzing because again, the stakes are so high.
Secondly, hard decisions usually have two or more equally appealing outcomes or two or more outcomes that kind of weigh up the same in your mind. That means, as we said before, it's not like the right choice immediately stands out. It does require more careful consideration. And that is exactly where we tend to get stuck in the weeds.
Finally, a hard decision contains a whole lot of fear attached to it. Specifically, I think a core fear of making the wrong choice, but with that also a lot of secondary fears like our fear of failure, our fear of regret, our fear of disappointing others, our fear of being judged and our fear, wait for it,
of an unhappy life. What is a bigger fear than that, really? A fear of an unhappy life is at the root of so many of our decisions and our dilemmas because, A, we obviously don't want that to happen, but I also feel like that in our 20s, we don't, you know, we place a lot of
care and a lot of our hope on some big major decisions and we haven't really had the life experience yet to know that it probably will and could go wrong but we'll be okay anyways right we haven't had those instances of massive things collapsing and falling apart and realizing that we still have time to undo them
So stripping it back to the psychology, besides some of the reasons given above, why exactly is it that you and me both find it very hard to make hard choices in our life? Well, of course, the first idea we need to explore is choice overload. You're probably familiar with this concept if you listen to the show a lot, but for a refresher, choice overload is a psychological phenomenon where having too many options can
can lead to feelings of anxiety, indecision, and eventually a dissatisfaction with the choice that we make.
So this concept is also known as the paradox of choice. I love that paradox of choice. And it suggests that we often, you know, think that having more choices will make us happier and lead to a better outcome because we have more freedom to choose. But actually, too many options overwhelm us and it makes it harder to make a decision or feel content with the one that we eventually choose because there are just so many options
There are so many more kind of places where our imagination can take us as to what our life could have been like. Think about choosing a grad job or any job even, choosing a career path, insert your own here. Nowadays, so many of us, including myself, are so lucky that we don't have to just simply do whatever our parents did before us, as was the case with me.
basically every generation that's come before. We have a lot more freedom, but having so many opportunities and being able to see all these different lives that others are living online, on LinkedIn, in, I don't know, the paper, no one really reads the paper anymore, magazines, maybe TikTok.
Being able to see all those different options does something to our brain and it overloads it because now there is just so many more comparisons, so many more pros and cons, cost benefit analyses that our brain has to do. And because of that potential contained in each option,
it feels like none of them is ever going to leave us completely satisfied and we are haunted by the what-ifs or the what-could-have-beens. So they did a study on this specifically in 20-something-year-olds recently, or what they called at the time emerging adults, and it found that although this period of our life is characterized by abundance and liberty and freedom and choice,
More of us are unhappy now with the path, specifically the career path that we've chosen compared to previous generations, primarily because of how many other better futures we are able to imagine for ourselves nowadays. It's ironic, right? You know, shouldn't it make for a happier life? Isn't this what everyone was working towards? Letting people have choice, letting people have freedom, letting people have opportunity.
Actually, no, because that's not how our brain works. Our brain actually has this natural instinct called a loss aversion, whereby we tend to think over and obsess on all our possibility for loss rather than our gains. So in this example, we spend a lot more time ruminating over the life that we could have had
rather than being grateful for the one that did eventuate. There is an amazing book that talks about this in such a comforting and beautiful and gentle way, and it's called The Midnight Library. This is a fiction book, so it's not the usual self-help or nonfiction that I recommend, but it follows this woman who is
gets the opportunity to basically live out all her possible lives. She is someone who is very overwhelmed by regret for where she is, where she's at in her life currently. And she gets to go back and see how life would have turned out if at some point she'd chosen differently, if she had become a professional swimmer, a scientist, a performing artist. And
What's so beautiful about this book is that it basically shows that we spend so much time sometimes fantasizing about what could have been, not realizing that nothing ever turns out the way that we planned.
It's an amazing read, especially if you're someone who deals with a lot of analysis paralysis. I think I just loaned it to my friend Kate because it was so good. So I would highly recommend. But, you know, the paradox of choice is why you find it hard to make decisions. We also tend to catastrophize more than we should, especially if you're someone with an anxious mind. You're an overthinker. You're an overachiever. You're a perfectionist.
And what that means is that, you know, when we have to make a choice, when we have to do something that's hard, we imagine that it's going to turn out way, way worse than it does.
One of the best mindset shifts that I've ever adopted, ever, is that when my brain is catastrophizing, it is doing so to protect me, not to scare me, not to make me fearful. It's not logical. It's just a suggestion. It's just my brain trying to worry for me so that I won't eventually come across a situation I'm not prepared for.
How I see it is that this instinct, this mental experience is testing me to see if I'm capable. And just by acknowledging the potential worst case scenario, but choosing to proceed anyway, I'm proving that I am capable because I've acknowledged it and I've accepted it that that is something that could happen, but I'm going to go forward anyways.
The other thing that I realized is that, and this is something that's important, if you catastrophize a lot, if you're faced with a bunch of decisions and you're like, well, if I choose this one, it's going to turn out terribly. You know what I mean? If you catastrophize, I want you to remember, not all of your worst case scenarios can possibly come true. It's so interesting. Our brain often gives us like a million different situations that could happen, a million different equally terrible hypotheticals.
They can't all come true and yet we're feeling the fear of them all. You really have to be able to distinguish in those moments between a fear-based hypothetical and a practical assumption that will help you.
It's interesting because research published in the Harvard Business Review, I think last year, suggests that we tend to catastrophize because it is a way to regain control in an uncertain world or in an uncertain time by trying to predict as best as we can what might come next.
So, you know, if you're at a crossroads in your life, that is a very uncertain time for you. But by catastrophizing, it kind of makes it feel like you have a bit more control than you do. But these doomsday scenarios in which we lose everything, we fail miserably, we end up alone, we ruin our life...
It's really just our brain's limbic system trying to alert us to any and all potential dangers, including those that are literally never going to happen. Because, you know, our brain is like, but what if they do? What if the 0.0000001% occurs? Well, at least I'll know I'll be mentally prepared, or at least I'll think that I'm mentally prepared.
Our choice to catastrophize when it comes to hard decisions, it also isn't random, right? It's a learned behavior that has its roots in anxiety and also in past trauma, in perfectionist tendencies and our need for control. People who have this tendency to catastrophize, we often put a lot of pressure on ourselves to achieve an outcome that is perfect or that is going to reflect the
very favorably on us and unconsciously actually it's not that we want the best outcome it's that we're terrified of an imperfect outcome we're terrified with how we're going to be able to cope at some stage what we've learned as well is that thinking about a decision and a problem repetitively without actually doing anything
It's quite self-soothing because we feel like we're doing something about a problem or a situation by overanalyzing it without actually having to do anything. And that is the real tricky thing to remember. You think you're doing something. You think that you're helping yourself by doing all your pros and cons list. You're actually not.
It's become part of our emotional toolkit. If we are feeling stressed or overwhelmed by a decision, if we think about it for as long as possible and we come up with every alternative, well then of course there's no way that we're going to get it wrong. It's interesting to me to consider this as an offshoot of anxiety because we know that the opposite of anxiety is actually trust.
When we trust ourselves enough to know that whatever happens, we will be okay, we can make those hard decisions quicker. We know that we can trust ourselves that if we lose that relationship, we're going to be okay. If that job is not what we really wanted, we trust ourselves to be able to find something better.
If that decision turns out absolutely, horrifically, terribly wrong, we trust ourselves that we will make it work. And that is what gives us the courage to really go after what we truly want. So if you are struggling with making hard decisions, it's probably because at some point that self-trust was injured or damaged. For me, I remember when my self-trust was basically, you know, blown to smithereens.
It was this one big failure that I had when I was younger. And I felt so judged and I could see that I'd done something wrong. And it just made me feel like, you know, I could never trust myself again because in that moment I believed that I was doing the right thing and that wasn't true.
You know, for others, your self-trust may be injured by excessive criticism or having a really overbearing parent, boss, friend who corrects everything that you do. And basically that external criticism is taken on board by our inner critic and it's spoken back to us in our own voice, becomes self-imposed.
Trauma and betrayal as well. That is something that really leaves you doubting your own ability and capability. It also has this secondary influence on self-esteem as well.
There's a really fascinating study that was conducted in 2018 and they got over 100 individuals to complete a self-esteem and a self-trust scale. Basically saying, how do you feel about yourself and do you trust yourself?
And then they got them to basically participate in this experimental would you rather situation where they were asked to choose between three scenarios. One, which was really, really risky. I think the payoff or the likelihood of the good option happening was 20%. One, which was somewhat risky. That was around 50%. And one that was completely, it just wasn't a risk at all. It was a certain outcome.
The people who had reported that they had poorer self-esteem and that they trusted themselves less, they would choose the sure option almost every single time.
they literally would never even consider taking the risk because they didn't trust themselves. They didn't trust themselves that if the risky decision outcome did happen, that they would be able to go on. Even in the situations and the circumstances where
the risky decision, the one with the 20, 30% and the 50% likelihood, we're going to provide them with much bigger payoffs. They wouldn't do it.
I think that that really applies to real life as well, to everyday situations where you're going to really struggle making a hard choice in your life and a hard decision if you don't trust that no matter what happens, no matter the unknowns, you're still going to be okay.
One final reason that I found from experience that we struggle making hard decisions during this decade is because of a conflict or a tension as well between passion and practicality.
Feels like this generation is divided into people who take career progression really seriously, who are very financially stable and cautious and happy working their nine to five and want that security versus this other group of people who are very committed to seeing the seven wonders of the modern world, to starting businesses and brands and changing jobs and careers when they feel like it, putting everything into their dream, taking their time.
neither is better or worse than the other. And some might say it's personality, but I actually think
You know, each of us has it in us to pursue the risky path and to do and to make the decision to not necessarily follow our dreams, but to put everything on the line. But there is this tension and a personal battle we all face between what we're really passionate about and what we know is practically necessary to have a successful life.
Who do we want to be? Which path do we want to choose? That is the other reason that it's hard to make big life choices that are going to dictate where you're going to end up because there are these like two really big desires within us, the two very big
different lives. So what I want to discuss next is how to cut through the noise and really tell what you want, really be able to determine what path is right for you and have the courage to follow through whatever it may be. All of that and more after this short break. Music
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With more pet-friendly domestic violence shelters, survivors and their pets can escape and heal together. Visit Purina.com slash purple to get involved. When it comes to making hard decisions, there are a couple of strategies that people will kind of always throw your way. Like, let me think. The classic ones are make a pro-cons list. Talk to people you trust.
Do a cost benefit analysis. These are very, very useful. And I do think they'll get you closer to a decision. But sometimes these decisions aren't something that we can really be rational about. They're something that we can't hear other people's opinions about. We need to trust ourselves.
Well, it is my belief that deep down, we all kind of know what we want. Our desired outcome, choice, dream life, dream choice. It's already in us. It's just that it's shrouded in these clouds and this mist of self-doubt, of fear, of expectation, of what's safe, what we think we should be doing.
Think about the decision to break up with a long-term partner. That's a very hard decision some of us face. On the surface, you might think, you know, they are such a good person. All of my friends like them. It would be so hard to start dating again. I'm scared I'll never find anyone. But when you wade through all these fear-based thoughts, at your core, you know what you want.
You know what you want. That's why you're trying to give yourself excuses because you know that once you decide it's going to be really, really difficult. In fact, I think if you're asking the question, some part of you already has the answer. If you're asking yourself, should I move overseas? You know, I have the opportunity. Should I do it? You already know the answer. Should I quit my job and take this new opportunity, even if it's a bit scary? You already know the answer.
In psychology, we often conceptualize this part of us as the subconscious. It's the part of us that holds our purest emotions, our purest desires, needs. It's the most unadulterated, real, true version of us. The subconscious knows. And that means that you know. Do
Deep down, you do. So how do we tap into that? Well, the first exercise I want you to try is what I call the wisest self scenario. It's as it sounds. Imagine yourself in the future, 10, 20, 30 years down the line as the wisest version of you and who you could become. Picture yourself having lived through challenges, learned from mistakes and gained just invaluable experience.
That future self has clarity. They have patience. They have a deep understanding. You trust them. Remember, you trust them. Now ask this version of you, what would you have me do right now? What choice should I make? What's your advice? By consulting your wisest self, you tap into a perspective that really transcends the current emotions or pressures that are clouding your decision making.
This exercise allows you to kind of step out of the present day stress and connect with a version of you who, you know, doesn't have anything to do with that right now. Who doesn't really care. A version of you who has lived through it, knows you'll survive.
And who can kind of come back and tell you what you really need to do. And this method works because of something called psychological distancing. You put space between your emotions and the decision so that you can identify what you really want.
Another reason is that, you know, the reason it helps us make not only a decision, but the right decision comes down to this concept called future self-continuity. And this basically says that people who feel more connected to their future selves are more likely to make decisions that benefit their long-term well-being.
Visualizing yourself as a wiser version also promotes empathy and kindness and love towards your current self who's really going through it, who's really got a lot of wild thoughts going on. And that enhances your self-trust because you kind of, if you trust this future version of yourself, you have to trust that right now you are
You know, you are the foundation of that future wise version of you. You're the one who's going to become them. And so they cannot be wise without you making choices. Right. Does that kind of make sense? Like they cannot be they could not be as wise as they are if you didn't trust yourself right now and if you weren't capable of getting to that point.
If this isn't your cup of tea, I totally get it. Another version of this that I love and which my own incredible therapist introduced to me a few years back is the 10-10-10 rule. It's pretty simple. Say you have two, three decisions you're contemplating. Should I move to a new city even though I don't know anyone? Or should I stay here where I'm comfortable? I don't really know what to do. Do I stay safe or do I...
stretch out my comfort zone, I want you to ask yourself, how are you going to feel about either decision in 10 days, in 10 months and 10 years from now? In 10 days when the initial anxiety has passed, what do you think you'll feel? In 10 months, how much do you think you will have grown in either environment? In 10 years, could either of these decisions become a regret for you?
Will it be a turning point for you? Will it be something that you look back on and say, gosh, I just wish that I'd gone with my gut and done the hard thing and done the scary thing?
regret, like this kind of regret factors into decision making more than we realize because we are kind of haunted by this understanding that we can't go back. We can't go back and change the decisions from our past. There is no time machine. And that works both ways. We can't go back and tell ourselves what we know now and prevent a bad choice. But we also can't go back and change our trajectory to a better course. How I like to frame this is what is the risk
of trying compared to the risk of doing nothing? I'm just going to say it one more time. What is the risk of trying versus the risk of doing nothing?
Often we get stuck in indecision out of fear of making the wrong choice. But in reality, there is often a much greater risk contained in staying stagnant and staying the same. The risk of doing nothing can lead to missed opportunities, can lead to regret and a lack of growth. The risk of trying, even if it leads to failure, will still bring about learning, experiences, the possibility of success.
When we frame decisions this way, it becomes clear that taking action, no matter how uncertain, often outweighs the regret of never knowing what could have been
If you have a decision that is bugging you, that is weighing heavily on your mind and your heart, please prioritize action over inaction every time. As the saying goes, you want to feel the fear and do it anyways. And I reflect on so many examples of this in my own life and in my own timeline. You know, the time I moved away for university at 17, the time I quit my full-time job to do the podcast full-time, the time I moved to Sydney, fresh out of a relationship,
more lonely than I've ever been and I had so many doubts and I was so terrified and I did it anyways.
And you know what? Things did go wrong. Things did go wrong. And I was lonely and I did struggle and it was really, really hard. But there is not a single day in any of those scenarios that I would go back and tell myself, tell my past self, no, just sit tight. Don't do anything here. This isn't your time to make a change because every single time I'm so glad that I did it. I'm so glad that I chose action over inaction.
On that note, I also think we can benefit from reflecting on previous times where you felt paralyzed and you've made a decision anyway. Think really hard about a decision that you've previously made and all the catastrophes that your brain cooked up beforehand. You know, when I moved to Sydney, I can distinctly remember worrying about, oh my God, what if I have to move back?
What if I never meet anyone? What if I run out of money that's piled into, you know, what if I lose touch with all my friends? What if I end up alone and the ball just kept rolling and rolling and rolling? And none of those things came true. Our own experiences are our best teacher because we lived through it. We have the evidence right there. And this brings about such a crucial perspective to your choices.
If it's fear that is holding you back, remember that fear is natural and a protective response, but it's also inaccurate. And you have seen many times before the ways in which fear may have kept you small or fear was trying to lie to you.
Finally, and I promise I'll wrap it up soon, but just I love talking about this. And this is my final piece of advice for the day, I promise. And it might sound very counterintuitive to everything that we've discussed so far, but I just want to say, don't worry too much about the big decisions. Don't let them get any bigger than they deserve. There are very, very few choices we can make in a single day or on the spot that is irreparably going to alter our life.
Maybe like drunk driving or like doing something dangerous or criminal. That's one of them. But other huge, ginormous decisions, a lot of those choices can be undone. We can find our way back. We can always course correct. What's more valuable actually is the small everyday decisions that build our life kind of stone by stone, brick by brick, our daily habits, our small moments where we became ignorant
becomes easier and where we push ourselves and where we just stay curious to what is possible. Our life is really made in the small choices and yet we spend so much time worrying about the big things, often not focusing on the small ways in which we have, you know, chosen to stay stagnant. The small decisions that, on the other hand, completely alter our life.
So don't get too caught up in the big things. Don't rush them either, but don't be spending weeks and months considering because by the time you might be ready, the opportunity could have passed. Remember action over inaction. Remember to be able to identify when you are catastrophizing and when it is a fear-based thought rather than a practical thought. And above all else, please trust yourself.
Trust yourself. The root of indecision is a lack of self-trust and you can counter that by allowing yourself to make mistakes and allowing yourself to just go with your gut instinct and affirming time and time again, no matter what happens, I am going to be okay because that is the truth.
I want to thank you all for listening to today's episode. I know that these decisions can feel excruciatingly large, but the fact that you care enough about your future to be thinking about it at all is a good sign that you're going to be totally fine. You're going to make the right choice. You're going to be able to figure it out, whatever happens. If there is someone in your life who you think needs to hear this episode, please send them a link.
Make sure that you are following along for future episodes. And if you would like to leave a five-star review, if you feel called to do so, it would be greatly, greatly appreciated. We read every single one and it's just so amazing the community that we are building. If you have a future suggestion, you can send that to me on Instagram at thatpsychologypodcast. Just slide into the DMs.
We do take a lot of inspiration from you guys, the listeners. So we would love to hear from you and make sure that you are following us over there. Until next time, stay safe, stay kind, be gentle to yourself, make that hard decision. You've got it. I know you can do it. And we will talk very, very soon.
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Through the Purple Leash Project, Purina is helping to create more pet-friendly domestic violence shelters across the country so abuse survivors and their pets can escape and heal together. Visit Purina.com slash purple to get involved. Your relationship with food and your body can affect every part of your life. If you're worried that your eating or exercise habits are disordered or you're struggling with your body image, you'll want to check out Equip.
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