#21 Fast Food
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Hello, folks. What's up? Welcome to the Nate Land Podcast. I'm Nate Bargatze sitting here with Aaron Weber, Brian Bates. And we, you guys want to be called folks. Folks. Yeah, people have spoken. People have spoken. We did a poll on it. 77% folks. Folks. I think I'm going to say it different. I say folks and folks. You don't say the L? I don't know. It just depends on what kind of day it is.

I get it with, what do I say? I would say a lot of things. Silver? Silver war? Silver war. I say silver war. It was a different war. You didn't hear about that one? Silver war? It was over gold and silver. That's why you hear about gold so much now because gold won.

Should be hearing about silver. What do you call that? A window, a window shade. I got that window, a window shade. Oh, I get, gotta get my oil change is how I say it. If I go outside of the South, I go, I would like to get my oil changed. Cause you're just trying not to say oil. Cause I say oil. Yeah. And then that's not right. Uh, and the silver war. Yeah.

Two civilian stations were battling out in a silver war. That's what we're going to do, a live show. Welcome to the civilian station, everybody.

Yes, folks. That's what we called it. There were some other good names. Civilians, Olivia's Nation. Natives, we thought didn't make sense. I like that. Natives? Because Dan Patrick has the Danettes. Yeah. And I put that up in a poll against folks, and it got beat 96 to 4. And then someone messaged like, you can't say natives anymore. Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate the wordplay, but it sounds a little...

Yeah, I mean, we're just a dumb podcast and we're all just kind of fun. Everybody's like, yeah, call us. We're all just being like having a good time. How about natives? Well, I didn't know that. I thought I could say I was a native of Lebanon. That came right off. You're like, well, why did they call the native? What was the last episode about? I don't know. They did the black man community. You're like, what kind of podcast is this? Nadiots, which is pretty good. We say idiots. That's our big word in our family. People don't.

My wife, when you get married into a family that calls each other idiots, it's a lot. It's a lot to go, y'all say idiots a lot. I go, yeah, we say it so much that it loses its steam. Does she notice it right away? I think so. Probably the first time I called her an idiot. On your honeymoon? Yeah. Well, you're an idiot. Nate Landorians. Nate Landorians. Yeah, that's good. I like that one. That's pretty fun. Penguins. Penguins. Penguins.

And the Krispy Kreme team. Well, one day we will be that Krispy Kreme team. Once we get the go-ahead from the Krispy Kreme master himself, the guy came out the gate. I could eat a million of these things, except right now and never.

It's Thanksgiving coming up, Aaron. Yeah, dude. I mean, I'm down. I just got to be able to prepare for it. Yeah, no, we're going to do it. We're going to do it. We got a picture. It'll be a special show, and we got a picture of how we're going to do it. I mean, you know, what were we saying we were going to do? I have my buddy Doug that did the music at the beginning of this, Doug Brown, in the band Safety Suit. We did a...

He said he could eat a million of them too. I don't know a lot of that. Fumbled that. But he said he could eat a lot of Krispy Kreme donuts too. He's a healthy dude. He's in shape. We went to... It was a whole thing. We went golfing. And we go after we get done golfing. I don't know if we were supposed to... We went to Hooters. Yeah.

And, you know, I think Doug was like, I don't know if I want to go. And you're like, I was like, it's not 1980s Hooters, man. It's different. It's different now. You know, it's just not what it is. What is it? It's just a restaurant now. I feel like it's, you know, it's not the same. There's families in there now. There's families in there. People go in there and eat. You know, I mean, we're all, everybody's used to it. But we went in there with him and Shea Mooney from Dan and Shea, who's going to be on the podcast. We're going to get him on.

And then they, so they started playing each other's musics on the jukebox. And so they played Doug. First we played safety suit and song Annie.

And they, so they're playing it and Shay's like, that's this guy that sings that song. And the girl's like, oh, wow. Okay. You know, whatever. And then, so Doug's like, all right. I mean, he's like, if you want to play this, Shay is currently one of the most famous musicians. Yeah, they're huge. But they don't get, it's funny, they don't get recognized when you're with them. Once they put it together, they do. But I don't, you know, with music now, I don't know if you see musicians form,

as much as you used to. Yeah. And so you don't, you could easily listen to them and be like, oh, I don't know if I've ever looked at them. And so we go and he plays Shay and the girl comes over and she's like, well, I know this song. Like that song.

And it goes, that's him. And they're like, I don't, that's not him. I don't believe you. And then they go, all right. And then she went and looked it up and then it became a problem. Oh, really? And then everybody started finding out. And then they were FaceTiming. He was great. FaceTimed with someone.

He's FaceTimed this one girl that worked there. It was like, my friend, we went to your concert together. FaceTimed. Shea's the best and just the most positive, nicest guy in the world. And he's FaceTimed with her, and then she was a fan of, what's the guy's name that just got in trouble with SNL?

Oh, Morgan Wallen. Morgan Wallen. So Morgan Wallen's a huge country singer that was supposed to be on SNL, then partied it up and got COVID, I guess. And then they were like, no, you can't do it. He didn't even get COVID. He didn't get COVID, but he was making out with girls. Yeah. He was partying. He's being a rock star, man. He's being a rock star. His response should have just been, I'm sorry for crushing it, all right? Dude.

Yeah, he's a rock star. He's like, I'm 27. I'm living the dream. Yeah, he's like, I don't know. Which is all college kids right now during COVID. They're all just crazy. And you're like, let them be crazy. Just don't go home to your grandma. But they...

So they go and so he faced show. She's like, I'm a friend. I'm a big fan of Morgan Wallen. So then Shay FaceTimes him on his phone and then FaceTimes them together. So now she, the girl, I mean, I always thought it was so crazy. That girl was just,

at home right and her friend and now she's facetiming with shay who's then facetiming with morgan wallen who also had like two other coles when another country singer was there with him so then they pop in and say hello like this girl's just got to be what has happened yeah you know and it made it fun that's cool so yeah i don't even know how we got into shay or why we're talking about hooters oh yeah well how do we even get to hooters

which we will begin to kind of, but I don't even know how we got into all that. Yeah. I don't know. I can't remember talking about our weekend. Uh, no, I don't think we were talking about a weekend. I just got into it, you know, something, the, uh, about natives, natives, no, Krispy Kreme. Yeah. And then Doug, that was the, that was the angle. All right. Hey everybody. Welcome to Nate land podcast. This is Nate. We have to start over. Uh,

This is the part where they go, they shouldn't be filming everything. We're going to read your comments. You can Instagram...

Email NateLand at NateBargatti.com. That's right. And DM reviews. You guys have been reviewing and liking the podcast. It's been an enormous help for us. We got a ton of reviews, like 1,700, I think, our five-star ratings, which is extremely nice. And we can't thank you folks enough for that. All right, let's read the first comment. Stephanie Guy, just wanted to send you guys a big thanks. My 20-year-old son.

Will, my husband and myself have been temporarily relocated to Nashville as Will is undergoing a stem cell transplant to treat Hodgkin's lymphoma. There have been times when he's not been able to get out and about due to low blood counts. So we have been occupying our time with your podcast. Even on his worst days, you guys are always able to get him laughing. I know he will be planning to catch some live shows once he's able. Thanks again from all of us, Joe, Stephanie and Will Guy.

Thank you, guys. And yeah, we will be praying for you guys, and we will see you at a live show. We're going to see it. Once you guys all get going, he comes out. He can't come out too soon. He's still got to get his blood count up. He comes out immediately, then gets COVID, and right back in. We'll get him back out when it's all normal, and that's awesome. Thank you for telling us that. Yeah. Michael Birdwell.

Aaron's jacket was so distracting that I literally just called Tibbs Drive-In in India to see if I could find his missing windbreaker. Unfortunately, they're closed for the season. The best I could do now is send him a new Colts jacket or find him a job in a pit crew where he would blend in seamlessly. The jacket wouldn't stand out as much if you were in a pit crew. That's true. You would be normal. If you wore that jacket...

in a pit crew people would he would write the same thing about that you know come on go with it i'd love that he called tibbs for you i mean everybody we're on the search too we're one day we need to post a picture of the windbreaker and just see if you know i saw you say something to burt kreischer about it on that oh yeah burt said no burt said no it'll turn up man turn up would you ask him if he spotted it yeah yeah i think if he saw it uh ian renfrew

Maybe y'all's next episode should be on nose whistling. At first I thought it was me and nearly got into a car accident looking at my nostrils in the mirror while driving to work. It was like you had a whistle on as a guest. I know. All right, whistle.

My gut told me it must be Beaker's face hole making this awful sound. This theory was confirmed when I heard Nate, Aaron, and the whistle simultaneously. Unbelievable. Love you guys, but you won't be getting Spotify money anytime soon with things like this going on. I agree. I think Beaker Face is the one holding us back.

Look how far you're away from it now. We just talked about this. I want to apologize for that. This was a problem. Well, talk closer so it doesn't sound like you and the whistle's apologizing together. I don't think that's... It sounds like the whistle introduces you. That's how it starts, and you're like... The whistle's just like, and here's Brian Bates. Hey, everybody. Welcome to... I don't think that's the issue, but...

I mean, it was a problem early on, and then I changed nothing, and then it went away, and then I changed nothing again, and then last week it came back. So I don't know what to say. I think it's talk close to the mic or how it's maybe angle it different. Hmm. Okay. But why would you not try it right now? What do you mean do right now? I think talk closer to it. Even closer? Yeah, and pull it down a little bit.

Maybe have it come down or, you know, then up and then mess with it. And mess with it. Use your... And hold your breath. Seems like stuff we should be doing before the show starts. I try to do it before and you go, I don't, you go, no, I don't think that's it. Your solution to fix things a lot is not to change anything at all, which is why we're back in the same situation. Yeah. Yeah. That strategy worked for a while though. Yeah. Yeah.

And then it's back. Yeah. But what do you think you're doing different than you did before? Nothing. So why would you do that? Why would, if the whistling is back, why would you not go, let me try something different? I didn't do anything before and it just, it went away. But clearly, so three times. Maybe they do the audio different. There has been whistling, no whistling, now back to whistling. I think it's your fault. So we have three times and you've gone back to the time that just keeps bringing it back. So maybe it fixes it.

That's like a light that's going out that you're like, well, it's going out, but sometimes if I flick it with my finger, it comes on for an hour. And so I just do that. All right. So if there's whistling, just give us a heads up. Just tell us. I mean, that's it. I wouldn't listen to podcasts if it had whistling going on. Would you? No. All right. Would you? I apologize for it. It's not that I want it to happen. But you don't try to fix it. Like, you can't just keep going, I'm sorry. Right.

I'm sorry for doing it. I'm going to continue to do the same thing. That's what you say. I'm sorry, everybody, for the whistling. What we will do is do all the same stuff that we've done the whole time. And we will not try to fix anything at all. How does that sound, guys? I just don't know if you're an audio engineer. There's at least hope in trying. We have audio engineers. They said put it closer. Oh, okay. All right.

I mean, that's unreal. It is unreal. All right. Chad, you're going to be just off next week. Hey, guys, we took care of the whistling. No one else is doing it. Chad Ryden, one of my favorite comedians. I laughed so hard when Berkshire snaps at Aaron about his laptop skills. Obviously harboring a lot of resentment there.

What was the conversation like when you guys told him you were taking the laptop keys away from the grandpa? Well, we told him and he couldn't hear us over his whistling. So now we talked about it. Just yeah, honestly, it's an honest thing. I shouldn't have it. He shouldn't have it. The kid that's a kid should have this 20 years old that grew up with a laptop. Have you ever had a real did you have laptop your whole life?

No, I got a laptop when I was in college, but I've always had a computer. Yeah. Laptop was a big deal when I first got a laptop. My parents bought me one. But I was like, I mean, I was probably your age. Yeah. And my parents still bought me a laptop then, 28. Your parents brought anything your age? No. I'm trying to remember. The last thing I have with my parents is I still use their Netflix account. That's the last thing. I got off the cell phone plan. I got off, you know.

You still got the credit card, right? Or the checking account. Yeah, they're on my checking account, but they're not. It's just on there because they set it up for me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Does your mom, she balances your checkbook? No. I haven't done that in forever, balancing the checkbook. I never really. I did it at the very beginning when you learned it. We talked about that last week. Oh, okay. Some guy who works in banking said you should be balancing. Oh, really? At least checking your account. He's like, don't just trust the bank.

Somebody at a bank said that? Yeah. Oh, don't trust the bank. Well, we do. I think Laura does. Okay. I don't do it, but Laura does. Yeah. I'm saying I could get robbed blind. If Laura and the bank fall in love together, then they could run away from my money. And it'd be all right. I'd figure it out. We'd be doing two podcasts a week. Nicholas Butcher says,

Look who's back. Nicholas's butcher. Nicole's butcher. Oh, Nicole's butcher. That's right. Yeah. So that's the difference. That was the A. That was the mess up the first time. There was no A. Yeah. Which again was not my fault. Nicole's butcher. Bigfoot expert. I think Bigfoot may have been created by the aliens to keep track of our movements. Nate, I can't believe that. Aaron, Starbucks makes their store smell like coffee. Nate, that's insane. That can't be true. What is wrong with you? What's the matter with you, Aaron?

I do believe, and that does make sense, but I would believe the Bigfoot thing more than the coffee. Yeah. I could see them making coffee now that I read it like this. Now that it's been presented to me in a different way, it makes sense. Yeah, numerous people said they totally do that.

That they make it. Just restaurants in general pump out smell. To make it so you realize. And some people were in the comments going, we got Aaron Alex Jones Weber going off about these conspiracies. And I just think, you know. It's like an easy Alex Jones though. It's just Starbucks. It's just about. It's a very easy. Just food related conspiracies. Yeah. That would be a very passionate, crazy, just all this stuff that's, you know, they're pumping oxygen in the casinos. Yeah.

And you're just looking and everybody's like, I mean, if they are, that's fine. It's conspiracies that everybody's finding. Yeah, they're just super low stakes. They go, oh, that'd be pretty cool. They should advertise it. And Starbucks is like, you know what? We should let people know. We pump coffee smell in our store. And everybody's like, that's a good idea. Yeah. That is a great idea. Starbucks had an aroma task force. You sounded like Alex Jones. Yeah. Jeremy K. Gover. Gover.

Jeremy K. Gover. I know Jeremy. That is a monstrous framed picture of your senior photo who has their own senior photo on the ready in their house at 40 years old. And yes, you should have been picked for the modeling gig. Thank you for saying that. I do think so. I had it because actually it's always in the ready. It was hung up. So my mom and my aunt, when we first did our room, we've had somebody else designer design this room now and hang up all the pictures. When we first started putting the stuff away in the house,

We did, they hung that picture up as a joke. And my wife's one. So I have that big senior picture. What's funny is everyone, mine is that big. My brother's is a little bit smaller. And my sister's is basically the one that has the name of the photo place on it. That's the free one that you keep that just says Owen's photo or something. And so it all just went down.

And so we had it right in there. So we had it hung up in here because my mom and aunt hung it up on the wall to be funny. And then I had it in there and I actually took it that day for something. So I was taking it weirdly enough that day. For Brad Paisley, I did a thing with Brad Paisley, which is going to be on

Stand up. Oh, gosh. Stand up for the heroes. Stand up for heroes. Yeah. For the veterans, right? That's what it's called, right? And it's November 18th. It's Bruce Springsteen. Where's this at? It's online. I don't know how to find it. Oh, yeah. I'll look it up. I forgot I had the computer here. You're about to give the computer back to someone else. Sounds like good on picking up on clues. Yeah.

Yes, stand-up for heroes. Me and Brad Paisley did something together, and so I was taking it for that. I did some stand-up on it. Brad did some song. But they, I mean, it's a crazy, it's the thing that's been around forever. A lot of comics on it, but I mean, Bruce Springsteen, Sheryl Crowe,

I mean, Prince Harry's on it. Ray Romano. Ray Romano. So a lot of stuff like that. So I did stand up on it to an empty crowd at the Grand Ole Opry. And me and Brad did some. So, yeah. So there's that. All right.

Brittany Sawyer. Hello, folks. One time I took my family of five to the movies. We were so excited for the movie to come out and even more excited when we realized we were the only people in the theater. Right before the movie started, a woman and her baby came in and sat down in the seat right next to me. She proceeded to pull out a duffel bag full of food from her house wrapped in full and plastic containers.

It was so loud and distracting that I can't remember anything else from the film except this woman. Unbelievable that we have people roaming around not respecting the common courtesy of spreading out. That would, I mean, I could not handle it. You know, I think in those situations, we need to, as normal people, as you're normal, we need to just go, just to talk to these people and go, hey,

Do you feel this would be insane, what you're doing? Just ask them. Just go, I don't want to be crazy. Maybe I'm the one that's crazy that sits here quietly. But do you think who's crazier? Why do you bring this food up? Let me tell you my secret. If you ever want to say something like that to someone, once she sits down with that food, you got to go, that's insane that you brought that much food. You got to say it so quick because it's going to be funny then.

It's like the tension gets broke. If you wait till the middle of the movie and go, that's insane that you brought that much food. That's presented at all. I mean, that's a whole different conversation than when this woman walks in. If she walks in with a big bag of food and you go, don't sit next to me with all that food. That's crazy. Right. Then you'd be like, ah, I know. I'm going to sit down here. I like bringing food. No, I get it. That's fun. I bring food sometimes. Just sit over there. Don't be weird.

And you're like, oh, now it's kind of like a good time. And we have a fun time. And we enjoy the movie. Maybe we become friends. Maybe I get some of her food. Or, but if you sit there and wait until, I mean, 45 minutes in, and you go, that's an insane amount of food you brought there. Now you're in a fight. Hey, just so you know, it is crazy that you brought that in. It's great. Hey, just a quick heads up.

I don't even know what's going on in this movie. I can't get over you, just that you walk around on Earth. How does she sneak a duffel bag in?

Into a movie. No one cares, man. I mean, you can put stuff in your pockets. Everybody does, but a duffel bag full of stuff. A woman with a purse? It's her purse. It's true. You can just say it's a purse. What are you going to do? I mean, a duffel bag would be... I mean, you've seen purses now? They got some purses that are huge. A duffel bag is pretty big, though. Yeah. Yeah.

It's well, I mean, but, you know, people bringing stuff. I mean, I, you know, you always bring it. I was bringing candy. I buy I buy now. I came from so much of growing up of having having to sneak food in that I now buy just because I want to. I was so my parents, we could never buy anything that the store was selling. Any place we went to, whatever they were selling, selling that you wanted, my parents would try to get in for free.

They just didn't. They couldn't. We could never afford it. If you go get a Coke somewhere, it's like we're bringing our own. Everything's like, let's go here, bring in our own food. And then, you know, I get it, though. It's expensive. I mean, you have a family with young kids. I mean, you go to movies now, it would be $100. Yeah, would you? I have a friend who's, she had a moral dilemma about allowing her child to,

it's kind of like cheating. Yeah. But at the same time, the prices are so ridiculous. She didn't know she wanted to teach her child that that's okay. Like, what would you say for Harper? Yeah. Uh, I,

I try to just buy it with Harper. I think I have snuck it in, but if I sneak it in, I do it, and then Harper just goes, no, you can't. We're going to get in trouble. We're going to go to jail. I mean, she's kind of joking. She doesn't think we're going to go to jail, but it's like a kid. It would be like when she does Zoom classes, I always threaten to go. I go, let me say hi to your class, and I'm in my boxers and no shirt. No, don't you come over. Harper will actually go, okay, come do it. Like Harper lets me.

but, but I would, I do it in that way to go. I think I'm going to sneak in there. If I did, I'd be like, I can't believe I snuck this candy in. It's, you know, where she thinks it's, she knows it's wrong. Yeah. But, uh, yeah, I don't think, you know, our friend Chad Ryden that wrote, I mean, he's my favorite. He was some, he had, he had some Walmart beef. That was my, that's my absolute favorite.

He thinks they deserve it. Chad would be someone who sneaks in full-on food and then thinks they deserve it. Yeah. And I'm on board with that. Well, I'm on board with that. I think you got to do that. You either got to teach your kid not to do it or you got to teach them this is the only way we do do it. Chad was at a movie and turned around and told the people behind him to shut the F up. And it was Wynonna and her husband. Wynonna Rodder? No, Wynonna Judd. Oh.

It was two Winona's. Yeah. I mean, Winona Jug. Yeah. Just goes by Winona. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's awesome. I bet nobody said that to her in a long, long time. No. Chad just didn't care, man. Chad's the best. Chad, right? They got into it. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, yeah, that's hilarious. I like that. I do. I think that's how you got to do it. You got to teach your kids either don't do it or this is the only way to do it. But go either way. You don't teach them in the – there's no gray area. Teach your kids very just black and white. Here's what happens or you don't do it or whatever. All right. Matt H., on the subject of people hurting toward lines. When I was in the Navy and our ship was underway –

We'd just stand at a random spot in the hallway. When people asked what the line was for, we'd say something like ice cream or something special dessert. Then after we got a few people to line up, we'd make up an excuse like we had to go to another appointment.

great fun to break up the monotony of being out to sea for weeks at a time. People love a line. Thanks for, uh, doing that, Matt. I mean, that's Nate being on a ship like that. That's gotta be nuts. And you do need some stuff. Yeah. That's very funny. People do like a line. Yeah. They want to just go to a line. Watch it. If you watch parking cars, anything you can usually avoid. That's when people always talk about we're overcrowded. I always, uh,

We got too many people, whatever. And I mean, Kathy Madigan had a joke, like go drive to Kansas. There's plenty of room. There's plenty of room everywhere. There's plenty of room in your crowded area. If you go anywhere, just go in not the normal door.

Just the door that is, you know, if you go to a mall, you can park somewhere else that's not a normal entrance and you could get in easy. You're going to be in places that are crowded, I understand, but there's usually ways. Just don't follow the normal. Just go, what's the other way to do it? And then you don't, you know, you guys get it.

Gary McDonald. I have a Jasper Mall story. I was in 11th grade, 2009, and I took a girl to prom who was from that area. There was a change in plans with our group of about eight couples to go out to eat before prom.

We chose a steakhouse inside the Jasper Mall, Garfield's, I believe that's what it was called. I immediately began sweating, realizing I only had about $21. I was the only guy from a different school, so I couldn't just announce my poor luck and laugh it off. I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu, club sandwich and a water. While my date got a steak dinner, I remembered being so nervous to get the check. I was $1 and some change short. I was hoping to just put it in the

black bifold and check holder. I was hoping to put in the black check holder and bounce, but others needed their change back. Waiter came back and completely bailed me out. He said, someone shored me a little bit. It's all good. You guys have a great night. Wow. That's funny to...

He bailed him out by saying, someone shorted me. I mean, he did. He bailed him out by saying, like, let you go. But I mean, he didn't bail you out by. No. You know what's funny, Garrett? I'm in the same boat as you. I've had that happen with, I did. I went to someone, another girl's Carmen, her girl went to church with, she was older than me. And I went to her, she went to like McGavock, she went to McGavock or something to their prom. And I,

And I remember going, and I forget, I mean, dude, it's this story. I had no money.

And I had maybe that and everybody, they're just buying stuff. Everybody's making this big thing. And I'm, and I was so embarrassed and I didn't want to say, Hey, I don't have any money. Yeah. I didn't want to ask her for money. And so I ordered, I got, I mean, I got, I got water and I don't think I eat. I go, no, I ate before and I didn't. And I remember I was so hungry. I was so, it was a weird, it wasn't like a time where you go eat and you go, I don't care. Yeah.

It was a time that I go, I am starving. And I didn't know we were all going to this thing. I didn't know this was happening. I don't have any money. This is 1996 or seven. This isn't, you know, Hey, Venmo me some. I mean, the kids don't even, you're just out. There's no cell phone. I can't call my mom and get money or something. I forget why I didn't have any. I mean, cause I had no money then. And I, and I remember I, the, the bill came and I think I just had to pay, uh,

I think we just did the same thing. I mean, I don't know if I was short or something, but I remember making it out and just hoping that we were done with spending money for that night. Cause it was like, I'm out. So crazy. I had that same thing happen. Do you remember having anything else?

Of that story? Like, did you have to spend any other money? I don't think so, no. I think it was that, but I remember that being my nightmare. Yeah. To go, where are we going? Huh? What's that? We're going to go eat? Wow. Okay. You know, just like, I didn't know that. Because I was invited, she asked me to come to her house

Prom. Right. And so it was maybe I was even younger. I don't know if I was a year younger or two years younger, but she asked me to go to her prom. So I was just a young, you know, and I was with I mean, dude, he's with the other. I was at another school. I was at a different school. So I wasn't like my buddies. I only have her that I know.

And, you know, McGavock's like an intimidating school. I was going to Donaldson Christian Academy, like the small, I graduated 56 people. They have 500.

And so, I mean, I'm just overwhelmed. The girls who called me worried were from McGavock. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. I feel like McGavock girls could smell that out pretty quick. I love that you were at a prom dinner. You're like, nah, I ate before. Yeah. You knew you were going to come here, right? Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah. Do you remember the restaurant? I do.

Man, I don't. I kind of remember it, but I don't. I mean, it was something that was a little bit, it was more expensive than I thought. I mean, these kids would have been playing. Like, I wasn't, I think I was, I got asked, like, she took me that week. Like, we were friends, and I don't, maybe who she was going to take didn't work. Something happened. Maybe they broke up. I have no idea. And so we went, and I don't, it wasn't even really like a date kind of thing, I don't think.

But I was, I just remember being a lot younger. So, I mean, I'm not even prepared. It wasn't like, I know, Hey, this prom's coming. I need to start saving money. Cause I got it. We're going to go do these things. I think I went out that night going, I don't know what we're doing. And then it's like, Oh, this is way more serious than I thought. I get it, Garrett, man, Matt Klein. This is Catherine Klein's husband. I mean, we are, I feel like our listeners, we're just having now the husband's talking. Hey guys, how you doing? This is Catherine's aunt. Uh,

Catherine Klein's husband, Matt. She married me only for the name. I have no other redeemable qualities. Thanks for reading her comments. I now get to hear how she impressed professional comedians. She is like Michael Scott in Dwight's speech. She's captivated the guys who captivated a thousand guys. That's a great. Yeah. That's awesome, Matt. Thank you.

Michael Ellis, I got your lost car story beat. One year in Reno, working at a brewery with a parking garage above it. On New Year's Eve, one of my coworkers got off work early and used another coworker's car to run home and change out of his work wear.

After watching the fireworks and closing up shop, we spent an hour looking for this car. He swore up and down that it was parked in one place while everyone thought he was so drunk that he could not remember where it was. A week goes by and the poor girl had to make an insurance claim for a stolen vehicle. One year later to the day, we were walking to the top of the parking garage to once again watch the fireworks and someone made a comment about a car covered in dust. And all you hear after the comment is, oh my God, that's my car.

No joke. She ended up being investigated for insurance fraud. Wow. Thanks for the great show, folks. Keep up the fantastic work. That is crazy. Yep. That is just, oh, that's my car. That is, I mean, how embarrassing. A year later. A year later. And just on the top. Almost there. Joshua Nettleton. Years ago, I managed a Ruby Tuesdays located in Malm. Big fan of Ruby Tuesdays.

Good. Great salad. Didn't go there until late. I don't remember going there as young. They have a salad bar, don't they? Salad bar. Yeah, salad bar is good. Years ago, I managed a Ruby Tuesday located in a mall. One day, the oven was opened and a billow of smoke set off the fire alarm. I immediately ran out of the kitchen through the dining room towards the outdoor entrance because for some reason, that's where the fire alarm override panel was located.

To prevent the fire department from being dispatched, I had 30 seconds to get the code entered. You can imagine the look on customers' face as the manager appeared to be running out while I'm out of breath trying to yell everything is fine.

I kind of missed that reading that up. So this fire to get to calm it down was, uh, to set it off. The panel was outside. So funny to think of a billowing smoke. You just see the manager running out the door while you're eating. Yeah. Everything's fine. As he takes off, everything's fine. As he goes out the front door. Yeah. And you go, well, he's left us and you're the, you're the dummies for staying. That would be, you know, that would be one of those things. Do you stay? Would you stay? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You would stay. I'd wait it out to see what happened. I'd wait out to see what happens, but I would definitely be gathering. I'd be prepared. I'd put my jacket on. Yeah. I'd be prepared to be going. All right. One last comment. Someone said, Nate, are you involved in this golf tournament? Burke, Burke Chrysler talked on two bears about a golf tournament among comedians. I saw you on bill Burt and we talked about golf. Yeah. I mean, look, we're, we're trying to see what's going on with that, with that golf tournament.

uh, it's, uh, you know, we're going to be moving it along and see where we're at. And, uh, so I can tell you, stay tuned for it. I'm definitely loving life, good, nice golf tournament. So, uh, we have been chatting and we're going to see if we get something together. Uh, so I will let you know, I don't know, you know, not that I'm telling you one way or the other, but I'm definitely trying to have a golf tournament. So,

We will see if it works out. All right. This week, we did... There's a lot of comments. There's a lot of side... Well, we talked a lot about the poll up at the top. Yeah. So this week, we were talking about... This week... Oh, by the way, John Augustine, the golfer that was here from Vandy, played in the Masters, made the cut, played all four days.

uh would have won i think 27 000 if he wasn't an amateur he gets nothing wow because he's an amateur uh but played terrific we are i mean i'm very excited for him you know to make the cut at the masters is an enormous deal and it was fun to get to watch him i mean you know i would say i know a lot of you guys hate when i talk about golf but it's my podcast and not yours and it's uh

I won't get into a ton of golf, but it is fun to watch. Watch this kid, John Augustine. He's going to be a big star in golf. It's very fun to watch people come up and get to see their careers and see how it pans out. He did really great. I was very excited for him. It was a big deal. Played with

Rory McIlroy is on TV. I mean, it's Augusta in November. It's weird. I mean, it's amazing. Amazing thing to be a part of. So, yeah, there's that. That's really cool. We had Masters Food.

So you can order. The Masters did a very big thing. So I've never been to the Masters, but their concession stand, they're super famous for pimento cheese sandwiches and egg salad sandwiches and their food at concessions. All their food at the Masters too is like $1.50. Really? It's like 50s prices. The Masters, people that run the Masters should run the world. I mean, they just, they're really good at what they do. And they have all this stuff. So they...

that's not it. That's not what it looks like. No. So there, it was, anyway, that's telling you how to make their pimento cheese. Okay. We, this came from the guy that makes it. So since no fans could be there, you could order this package and they sent out pimento cheese, egg salad, barbecue sandwiches, and popcorn and cookies and these chips in these bags and these, and then master cups. And so it was like a,

you could order. It made a ton of food, actually. We didn't think it was going to make that much. And egg salad was unreal. Unreal. You know, I'm not a big onion fan, and I thought for sure all this stuff's going to have just the most onions. Here it is. Taste of the masters. Taste of the masters. I thought all this stuff would have so much stuff. Egg salad had no onions, and I was addicted to it. It's so good. But you got all this stuff. So we ordered that and made...

pound of pimento cheese, pound of egg salad. An awesome, we kind of ate that and watched the Masters and watched football. So it ended up being a very, very fun weekend, fun thing to do. But speaking of food, he's going to bring us into our topic today about fast food. We're going to talk about fast food. We actually had fast food to start this at McDonald's. Yep. We had McDonald's. No breakfast this morning, which is kind of weird.

I was trying to get breakfast. Yeah, so you texted me and said, well, I texted and said, I'm in line, what's everybody want? You said sausage McMuffin meal. Yeah. Sausage McMuffin meal with a Diet Coke. So I got up to lunch. You don't say the Diet Coke thing. That would get judge free. I drink soda in the morning. Oh, sorry. But that's the thing. It was lunchtime.

Yeah. You're trying to help. That's like, you're trying to be, it's like my mom being, but he did it. And you're like, yeah, but it was noon when it happened. Yeah. I would eat diet Coke at six in the morning. Oh, easy, easy. Wouldn't even, I would almost prefer it. You'd rather drink a diet Coke than like a coffee.

Yeah. With breakfast, I'd rather have... If I'm not really having breakfast, if I'm just having like a... You know, if I eat like a Clif Bar or something or something quick, snack, I would rather... But donuts, Krispy Kreme, I will have Diet Coke. It's funny that that's what you think people will be judging us on, though. We're eating McDonald's, period. They're already judging us. I know, but...

They expect us to eat McDonald's. When I say I drink Diet Coke for breakfast, people, that's even more. But this was, so I mean, it's like 1230, so it's prime lunchtime. There's a lot of cars behind me. And I said, I want a sausage McMuffin Diet Coke for you. And then I said, Big Mac meal, Dr. Pepper for me. And he said, no breakfast.

We don't have breakfast. So then I texted you real fast. Hey, they don't have breakfast. And you got back to me really fast, but I was panicking. So I said, all right, just give him a Big Mac meal too with Diet Coke. Just give us two of them. And he said, okay. And then you text, give me number one, no onions, Diet Coke. So I was like, wait a minute, let me change the meal. I want number one now with no onions. And he said, okay. So two...

Big Mac meals, one with no onion. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want to get rid of one of those Big Mac meals. I want a number one with no onions. And this is the whole who's on first thing starts going. I mean, we're debating for a while. And then finally I realized, oh, that is the number one. And I was like, I am so sorry. That is my bad. You're right. Just, I mean, he had it right the first time. All I had to do was say no onions. Yeah. But it was the meal number, I don't know.

That's what threw me off. They're like, this guy's an idiot, dude. I'm telling you. And it's over a drive-thru speaker. Oh, yeah. It's like if you could be... That's how you realize how important it is. That's why Zooms don't work. Yeah. That's why you need to see someone's face to go like, no, man, I don't... You need to see your eyes not knowing what you're saying. And then when he sees it, he goes, oh, this guy... He might even just go, okay...

Okay, I got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So number one in a Big Mac meal. He just knows, I'm not trying to confuse this. Just go with whatever this man's saying. Yeah. This is what's happening. It's like a hostage where the guy's got a gun. He's like, I can't do this anymore. He's like, hey, none of us can do this anymore. I agree. I think life is hard, man. I agree. You are right. And he just lets it. Don't try to fight this.

How do they know? I almost asked that guy, but we'd already been through enough today. When there's multiple lanes and they merge into one, how do they know how to keep the orders right? I don't know. I've always wanted to. I don't know. They ask you the name. Yeah, Chick-fil-A will ask you the name, but McDonald's is a free-for-all. They don't ask your name. But they get it right. Yeah. They do get it right. Well, they can see you too, right? So they can know what kind of car it is. I don't know. I don't know, but I saw two women yell at each other at a Chick-fil-A.

because they were merging. And the woman was yelling, well, they're going to give you the wrong order. And I was like, nah, I think they'll figure it out. Yeah, we drive off and they go, we got the wrong order. Because the woman merged in front of me. And that's what happens. You've got to joke about it, but in the South, this has happened to me, a lot of people will just wave you on through. And I keep thinking it's going to mess things up, but it never does. I've never seen that at a drive-thru. They go, this is what we do.

This is our hardest job of a fast food restaurant. The thing we focus on the most is the merge of those two cars. So we've got it down. There they go. And we just think they can't handle it. Fast food has gotten, like Chick-fil-A has gotten so good as far as their drive-ins that I think everything else is getting a little better. McDonald's, you really got to go during the day.

If you go during the day, it's pretty good. And then at night, when it gets super... Like anywhere, if it gets super late, you get into midnight, 1 a.m., 2 a.m., stuff's going to get a little... That's my favorite, dude. When you show up at a McDonald's at like 2, and it's just... Who knows what's going on inside of there? I pulled up once...

And the woman goes, she just goes over the speaker. Listen, nobody else showed up. So I'm probably going to leave. I go, all right. So I just left. She's like in there alone. Oh, she's like, I'm letting you know, nobody else came to work. So I'm probably going to leave right now. So I'm not going to make you food. Yeah. So like, yeah, I mean, the food might not even be on. Yeah. Yeah. And you just go, okay. Just leave. Yeah. But Chick-fil-A is like,

A well-oiled machine, dude. It's so impressive what an operation they have out there. People out there meeting you in person, you know, teenagers. You take your order. I mean, you get your order taken. It's the only place that if there's a long line, you're like, just go ahead and go. It's fine. It's going to be, you're going to get through. Yep. Yeah, it's pretty crazy. I love fast food. I mean, I eat it too much. It's the only thing I wrap my head around.

I don't know what to think. You know, when I need to eat, that would be my main problem. When I talk to someone about eating and they go, well, where are you going to go eat? I don't know. I can't think outside of, well, they have food, so I'll just go there and that's the food's made. Yeah. It's almost like I don't want to go through the tough world making it. I don't make it. I mean, if Laura's not cooking for some reason, then it's like,

But even if she's not cooking, I'm eating at home, I'll eat Tostinos, which I think we've said that wrong. What's that pizza? Totino's? Tostino's. Yeah. I think we said it wrong, though. Right. Somebody called us out on that. But I'll eat that pizza. I love that pizza. It's probably my favorite pizza, which I know is dumb, but I just love making it. I don't have good taste, I guess. I'm not a good food taste guy. Well, that's a good place to be, I feel like.

Can you imagine just like having two sophisticated taste buds for the most popular food in the country? Yeah. Yeah. But I think you would not eat as bad if, you know, I think, yeah, I think, uh, people that have our, my food taste, we, you know,

Diabetes runs rampant through our population. It's not good. We don't know how to eat better. It's very beneficial to me that I don't live close to any fast food. It's not convenient coming home. Because I used to live off Donaldson Pike, where you live now, and it's murderer's row of fast food. So it's so easy just to hit it every time you're coming home. Yeah, every time you drive through. I think it's true. We grew up with no money. Yeah.

So when you grow up with no money, you're eating, you know, I mean, you're either eating just whatever at home or you're going, you're never going to a nice restaurant. Yeah. You're only going to, if you went to Shoney's on a Sunday, that would be, you're doing that maybe once a month. You can't go. Cause even if you go to Shoney's and it's cheap, it's not like it's $8. It's, you know, to take a whole family out, we have brother and sister, five, you know, my parents are spending 50 bucks or 60 bucks. Yeah.

Or maybe kids eat free, I guess. Unless you got, you'd get that kind of stuff. My parents, did I tell a story about them not having 99 cents for McDonald's for me? When we were, when I was like 12, my brother, I think I was 12, maybe I was 10. And my brother, we go, my aunt,

We go and, uh, which by the way, this, if anybody has seen this band, this is for my aunt Sandy to, uh, just keep her in your prayers. She's, uh, she's, it's not good. She's pancreatic cancer. And so, uh, we're just praying super hard for her and hope everything gets, you know, works out. Um,

Just so if you ever see this, that's what this is for. But so my aunt, other aunt Judy, we went to someone's house and my aunt was like, don't get out of the car. And then we immediately get out of the car and this kid was swinging a golf club and then swung it and hit my brother in the head. And so my brother still has a scar and it just was like, I mean, just a chunk of his head came out. So we had drove to the hospital. So they go to the hospital and

He has to get stitches. There's always the thing that my dad goes in and goes to tell my mom was like, all right, we got him calmed down. When you see it, it's alarming, but you need to keep a face, you know? And my mom goes in there and just is like, like, you know, just, I mean, just her, her baby's and she's trying to be like, it's okay.

And anyway, so we have our other friends, the Dentons are close family friends and they, the Dentons, they bring their kids up there. Eric is everywhere we had kids. So Brandon and Derek are friends and are the same age. And so Brandon and Derek, they get done. They're like, all right, we're going to go. You want to go get McDonald's? And between the two families, they, this was when Happy Meals were 99 cents and they go, all right, let's go get McDonald's. And,

They only had enough between two families to afford two Happy Meals. So they had... Between both those families, they had $2.02. And that's all they had. So since I'm the oldest, and they still do this joke to me, they came up to me and said, Nate, is it all right if we don't get you a Happy Meal? And my face, I was like...

yeah, it's fine. And like, just cried. And so they still, to this day, this has been 30 something years ago. They, they still, Wayne Denton and the Dentons will come up and be like, Nate, is it all right if we don't get you happy? Oh, that's fine. But is that not what the, the real story is? How do you have, how do you have all these families and none of y'all have, you only have is $2 and 2 cents. I think it was like a,

So there were three kids. There was... I mean, they... At this point, there was two... Both families have three kids, yes. But they're only buying Drew, their youngest. Shelby, their youngest might not have been born. Drew, the other one was probably...

five or four so it doesn't matter yeah you know we were the so only three that mattered me Derek and uh Brandon we were the only three that matter actually they wanted to go eat McDonald's the rest are either a baby and it doesn't matter yeah and my sister I don't remember if she was born yet I don't think so but uh

They didn't have it. They didn't have it. Till this day. I think about it all the time. Like, isn't the story... How do you not... They were, you know... I mean, they had to be in their 30s at that time. Can you imagine not having 90... And, you know, there's no debit cards or there's none of this other stuff. You don't have five bucks on you? Five bucks. You don't have a fiver? You don't have $3. $3, you could probably figure it out. They had $2 between both the families. They didn't have any money. Yeah.

And then I got the brunt of it. Is it hard if we don't get you a Happy Meal? But with that mentality, I do think I think fast food a lot. I eat fast food. I eat it a ton. I'm a big fan. Had it today.

Because we are McDonald's. Oh, and today is Fast Food Day. Yeah. Right? National Fast Food Day. National Fast Food Day. And we just, we did not know that. And last week we said, what are we going to talk about? And we said, let's talk about fast food. And because we're always circling the topic. So it was like, let's talk about fast food. And today's National Fast Food Day. Yeah, the stars aligned. So we're going to eat, I'll eat it twice tonight. I can make an excuse up to go eat. We talked about this morning.

my wife said, it's taking some of the dry cleaners. And I was, I said, are you going to take it? And she wasn't going to take it because she goes, I don't have anything, but you can take it. And I go, okay, I'll take it. And then I said, well, I'm probably gonna have to stop at Sonic because it's right next to it. And I realized like I can make up a,

I can make everything be a special, well, I'm here. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And every, where you go every day can't be that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm almost always looking for that normal day and I don't have that normal day. Cause when you're on the road, you think, well, I'm on the road and you go, well,

You're either going to die in a hotel on the road because you don't ever stop eating this kind of stuff. You know, because you get so many people that they go, yeah, I don't, they get back to normal. I think eating is very boring for most people, is what it should be. That's what I'm hearing from healthy people.

is your food should be boring. You should be, mostly I eat chicken and rice and I eat at home and I cook it. It's nothing big. It's more functional than anything else. Yes. Yeah. It's not, I don't enjoy every meal.

I think that's the key. It's a sad way to live. I enjoy every meal. I look forward to it. That's how I frame my whole day. Just to go, what's it going to be? Do I try to go to the same fast food restaurant twice? No. I don't go back to back. I've done it. I've done it. I could do it. I just had to go through all my credit card statements from last year for my taxes. Let me tell you.

It's pretty sad going through. You could see... I could remember all the weekends where I was. I went to a Steak and Shake three nights in a row and got the same... It's the same price, so I just got the same thing three nights in a row. Yeah.

It was tough to look through all that. Yeah, that Birmingham, that steak shake right across from the hotel. It's so funny that we know. Well, that is that you get stuck where you go, I'm on, I'm in a hotel. Right. You know, I'm making a ton of money. What are you going to go eat? You're going to go eat. That's all you can go eat. And it's like at midnight. It's at midnight. Where can I go? Yep. Yeah. So it was tough to look through and just see.

the numbers I was putting up. What was the total? Was it the fast food? I would love to... I have the numbers, yeah. I had to look at my numbers too to see. The average American spends $1,200 a year on fast food.

I think that's not even... That's the stimulus check. I think it would help me if I got it down to $1,200. I think if I talk to someone, they go, let's just try to get it to $1,200 a year. Just become an average American, please. All right. Okay. $1,200 a year. Yeah. That's average. Some people don't get it at all. You're right. I'll have... Laura...

See if you can find out how much I... Is there an easy way to look up? My wife's not there. $1,200. She left. That'd be $100 a month on average for people. I mean, hopefully I was just 12. Maybe I was just that. That's a lot, I feel like. $100 a month? Yeah, maybe. I don't know if it's a lot. $3 a day. Yeah, roughly. But I mean, now stuff costs...

$7. A meal costs $7. Every single day, almost 1% of the global population eats at McDonald's. That translates to 69 million people every day. 75 burgers are sold every second on average. Yeah. Wow. I feel like that's where your whistling comes from too. What? You just bent down to leave the mic. Don't touch it. Now read that.

What do you throw right in your mic? I don't think. Well, I know, but didn't I do that? No. Okay. Your nose. I mean, you go, it's basically, it's like you, here's what, it's honestly like you just, as you talk, your nose goes, I'd like to say something. You go, okay. And then you put your nose in the mic.

He can start doing this. Yeah. He's reading the papers up now. The world's largest toy distributor is McDonald's, thanks to their Happy Meals. Yeah. Laura came up here. Can you see how much I would have spent on fast food last year?

She's going to crunch some numbers. She'll crunch some numbers. I want to see if I'm an average American. Don't just walk in and tell us. We'll see what I feel, if I'm an average American or not. I think I'm the best average American. That's what I always say in every pitch meeting. If I go for a pitch a show, I tell them, I go, I think I'm one of the greatest average Americans that have ever lived. I...

Dude, I can tell you when I feel something's going to get canceled on TV, I know I think America's not on board anymore. I eat at all these restaurants. That's just because you're not on board with it. If I'm not on board, I think I'm like an average person. I talk about being average, but I am the greatest average American that's ever lived.

is i am i dude i tell when i go when i pitch these shows honestly i would go in there and tell these networks that i go i know all your problems your stuff that you're not making why i'm not watching your shows because i don't like these shows yeah i like this modern family i love but this one i did like because you're crazy and i would tell them i know how to run your one man focus group you could just talk to me right i can tell you when i go hey stuff's starting to

wean off. No one likes this thing as much anymore. I hear things. I hear, this is good, this is not good. You hear things from us. Fingers on the pulse, dude. Fingers on the pulse of average American. It is now. You're one of the top, unexceptional people in the United States. I'm the best.

When the, yeah, I talked to, no, it's not y'all. I don't, you don't, you're clueless of what's going on. I don't think you're average American. You're like, guys, did you know you can rent a golf course for only $4,500 a day?

I get to do other things. Yeah. I do fun things. I get that. I, that's not that bad to rent that golf course. I, what I'm here for is to show average. Look, if you're an average person, let me tell you something that I learned as again, I'm the greatest average. So I'm not, I'm going to do things a little bit better. I do the average things better than you do. Uh,

They, if you go renting a car, it's a perfect scenario. People go rent cars all the time. They go, what's the cheapest car economy, blah, blah, blah. They get it. I mean, for $3 more, you can get up to the highest level. That's almost to the next level. If you just looked, it's not, you're not doing a scam. There's not a trick.

It's just look. Maybe it's a dollar more. Maybe it's five dollars. There's times I think you could look at first class ticket. Look at a first class ticket. Sometimes if you ever go fly, it's got to be probably more regional where if you go fly from Nashville to, I don't know, St. Louis or something or whatever, those kind of quick trips.

At one time, I was flying from Seattle to Los Angeles. It was $50 more, $50 to fly first class. With that first class ticket, my bag was free and I got a meal on the plane. So why would you not just do that? Yeah.

You're going to probably spend that. Yeah. The meal that you're going to eat at the thing and checking the bag. Right. So why? There's so many times you could go, let's just look. I'm not saying you buy it, but if you look, sometimes it's $75. I think a lot of times it's $100 more. So there could be plenty of people that are like, oh, I would spend $100 more if you...

But no one thinks to look. You don't think that. So just look. That's all I say. Look at hotels. You look at hotels, man. You can go stay at some nice hotels. Sometimes you go off season in places. You could stay at four seasons for $300 a night. Like there's just stuff you can go do if you just kind of go just look over. You're online.

you don't have to go talk to someone. Just kind of glance at it and be like, hey, that's how you do it. This is my version of that. In college, when we used to buy beer, we used to always get Natty Light or Keystone Lights, the cheapest beer. Yeah. And if you just look a little bit to the left... Bud Light is like a dollar more per case. Yes. And we could have had such... It's so much better. So much better. You wouldn't have the problems that you have today. The health problems. That just alone, set alone. That ship at sail by then, dude. But I see what you're saying. But that is...

No, I'm saying all the stuff that Keystone Light's going to cause you later. Oh, yeah. It's still catching up with me, I'm sure. But yes, people don't think to just look over and go, oh, I could just do that and it's that much cheaper. Yeah. It's not like you're doing something that expensive. Yeah. All right.

What was another fun fact? Let me finish the Happy Meal. The world's largest toy distributor is McDonald's thanks to their Happy Meals. You don't even have to hold that. I'm being a little funny for a second. If you're going to read something, just move the mic down and go, all right, I'm going to read it this way. I hope people watch. We're going to cut it. Oh, maybe it was the laptop not being away. That's what changed. Yeah.

figured it out. Oh, because he was looking down. Right. Because he had it on his computer before this, right? Could be. I mean, it feels like your nose just raises his hand. You go, yep, go ahead. And then you put your nose right in the microphone. And he goes, how you doing? I'm Brian Bates' nose. Breakfast's nose. You know, I like that joke. That's fun. And then you...

That's a good theory. Although it went away before. This is what I don't like, though. This is the problem. You going along with his theory. I'm the one that's debunking this whole thing, and you've just argued with me the whole podcast. And then when he says something, you're like, you know what? That does make sense. Well, I think Brian's whole objection to what you were saying is that it changed, but he didn't do anything differently. But now we figured out something that changed. I then said it's you looking down at the papers. And I didn't argue with that.

But you've argued with me all morning. And then he says that I don't care for that. I tell you that I don't care for that. There's I'm there's clearly something wrong. And that doesn't make sense for your argument to go. Well, I'm not doing anything different.

And then he says it and you go, yeah, yeah, that's right. Because he pointed out something different. I know, but dude, how do you solve something? Do you think you solve a problem? Do you think you just come in and go, here's the problem? Or do you go, hey, we have a problem. Let's talk about the problem.

And you go, I don't want to talk about the problem. I'm going to do everything exactly the same. Which is your problem. That you just go and do everything the exact same. Because you're not a good average American. In life, that's my problem? I think it leaks into your life, yes. It bleeds over. Yeah, I think someone your age that lives by the motto, nothing you say is right. Yeah, I do think it leaks into it. Now we're getting to a whole bigger issue. Yeah.

Well, it is a bigger issue. I don't like that you just agreed with him. I said something was wrong. You should try to fix it. And you argued with me. I'm not going to do anything. And then I said, it's the nose thing, you bending down. Correct. Which then got us into finding what we think the real reason is. I would like a little credit for getting us there. You got us there for sure. Oh, Aaron, thanks. Aaron, who wouldn't have said nothing. Who would have just died with the whistle. Would be down to just...

Nobody, my mom listened to this podcast is all we'd have had. And she would have had it muted. I don't know. I don't know. What's the, so the dollar, the dollar menu or the happy meal? Happy meal. The world's largest toy distributor is McDonald's thanks to their happy meals. And since transitioning to include more books rather than toys, McDonald's has sold more books to kids as part of happy meals that are housed in the library of Congress. It's kind of a loose, they sold more books.

Ain't really sold more books. Are they putting, they're putting books in happy meals now? Well, Chick-fil-A does. Chick-fil-A does a hilarious thing. What? With, they give you a book, but then you can go trade the book in for an ice cream. Oh, really? I believe that's what you can, which is hilarious. That is so funny to go. We're going to give you a book, but if you don't want to read, you can get ice cream. It looks like you're trying to get kids off reading.

It should be the opposite. If you want a book, if you want ice cream, you have to read this book or something. But they go, give us the book back and I'll give you ice cream. I mean, I wouldn't read it. No one on earth is going to go, I'd like to hang on to this book. You keep that ice cream? I got a book. I got a book. And McDonald's is going, we've sold more books. You're not selling books. People are not buying books at McDonald's. You got it packaged in a nice...

fast food box. I mean, it's funny to think when you break down, like that's, that's like pot. That'd be positive publicity that you spend something. That's a perfect way to spend something. Yeah. Our kids are fatter than they've ever been, but we've sold more books to them and you go, well, you're not, Oh, that's good. They're inside reading all day. That's why. Yeah. Yeah. You go, Oh, that's fun. Are you reading? So they're reading the books. You got to, you know, if you ask kids, I didn't even know that they were selling books. I buy happy meals. Yeah.

We get them. I think they still have toys. Happy Meals do? I think you get the option. That's what I just read. You get the option of it. Do you want a book or a toy? Yeah. So you can get fries or apple slices. Yeah. I mean, who's making those choices? Well, you get both, though. Do you? Yeah, there's something. They don't not give you apple slices. Harper gets Happy Meals? Yes. And they always go fries or apple slices. And I feel like it's, is it more fries? It's just more fries.

Yeah, so they go, you want fries or apple slices? Which means, do you want extra fries or do you want apple slices? You're getting fries either way. Because at first I would say, well, we want, I'll take fries. I'm not saying to give her apple slices. Yeah. But they should just go, just give us fries and apple slices. Just put them in there. Don't say, no, we want an extra set of fries. Yeah. But that's what it is. Uh-huh.

It's like... The kid's hooked, man. Oh, they're hooked. I know. Oh, they're hooked. Yeah. I'm hooked. McDonald's is low-key one of the most morally good companies in the world. Really? They're doing more to advance the common good than anybody. Yeah. They're giving books to kids. Yeah.

They probably feed more homeless people than soup kitchens do. Oh, yeah. Oh, they're everywhere. They give money to everyone. The Ronald McDonald Foundation. Yeah, I'm not trashy. Trust me. It's my favorite. I'm just saying it's funny to see it. And you really break it down that it's like this has all happened.

that they're trying to push this. But yes, McDonald's actually does. I'm defending them if people are trashing them and judging the screen there. I agree. I agree. That so many people just end up, they trash them and go, we can't be having these people eat it. We don't have McDonald's. That would affect the world with how much that they do, how much good that they do. And people are fine. How do they feed the homeless? We don't know. The homeless people eat there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. That's a loose...

I mean, I didn't look up any of the statistics. Yeah, that was a pretty loose statement. But just say in general. Yeah, I feel like, dude, if you're a homeless guy or somebody and you're low on money, dude, you go to a fast food place and get a burger for a dollar. It's the most calories you can get. This was like a spinning situation that I was talking about with McDonald's, the way you spun the homeless situation. You go, we're feeding more people. Like, you're a McDonald's spokesperson. Hey, we're feeding more homeless than anybody in the world is. You're like, oh, okay, I didn't know that. I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, I mean, they obviously would come in. They have to pay for it. They get paid in change a lot, and we accept change. So they come in and order food, and they just... That's what I meant, yeah. Oh, wait, so the homeless... You're saying homeless people just purchase food. That's what I'm saying. And you go, yeah, I think our clientele has the most homeless...

purchasers that's not how I would word it we have the highest concentration of homeless people as customers yeah no that's yeah that's what yours is yes and but the truth of it that is that is extra fries and apple slices what you just did for McDonald's it's a good spin man they should have you talk for them I'd love to yeah I would love it too

I would love to talk to you. Yeah, man. People get so mad. They have the best Coke. Did we talk about that on this? I talked about it. You can look up. They have the best soda.

of any, it's the best soda I've ever tasted. And there's, you can look it up. Well, I used to work at an advertising company. I interned there in Dallas and one of their clients was Coke and they had some McDonald's locations where their clients too. And they would do independent taste tests. Yeah. And people would prefer McDonald's Coke over canned Coke, you know, bottled. It was the number one preferred

coke product was in a mcdonald's cup yes from a mcdonald's soda dispenser it's the it's why is it the best i think it's does it say it look yeah i'll look it up see if there's something that says it i thought i we just i just talked about this with someone if they have the best coke in the uh out of all soda and it's like why is it they have a special storage uh they've had a unique relationship with that tv yeah yeah there you go all right that just makes it all right

Yeah, they store it differently. Yeah. Wow, good for them. Good for you, McDonald's. Yeah, I tell you what's going to kill it, they get those paper straws.

Oh, yeah. If they get those paper straws at McDonald's, that's going to kill their... So this article is arguing that a big reason why McDonald's Coke tastes better than other fast food chains is because the straw is wider so that more Coke tastes can hit your taste buds at once. I don't think it's as simple as that. That's one element of it. That's one solution. That's this angle of when you worked at a restaurant, you have it.

It's pretty rough. Oh. So Laura's crunched the numbers. She said it's pretty rough. You want to come on? Yeah. I know, but we're not going to hear you.

All right. $272 for the month of December 2019. Hold on. You got to just come talk to it. You got to at least just come talking to it. Yep. Okay. This is my wife, Laura. So $272 for the month of December 2019, which was as much as I could pull up here. So $272. So this is how much I've spent on fast food. This is like...

Like $272 a month. No, in one month. That's December. So that's kind of hard to say. Like, that's like a fun month. Everybody's out and about. Everybody's out and about. See, this is how I eat it because I have an enabler that will give me excuses as well. So it's like $3,000 a year. Some of it was Papa John's. So that could have been a party we had. Some was Papa John's. Like $3,000.

It's chain places. Yeah, chains. But if you scroll through that list, you'll see Taco Bell, McDonald's. That's both of us, to be fair. Yeah. Because that's our personal spending. Yeah.

So just 200 here. You can take this. So you're about three times the national average, right? If you think December is a typical month for you, it sounds like you think it's a little higher than usual. That's a high month. But I mean, if that's high, your low is not five. Right, right. Your low is, you know, oh, man, $272 a month. That's not good. Yeah.

Yeah, it could be worse. That's my... I know. Well, the problem is... I'm just saying, I coach my numbers. The problem is, too, is I feel like as people get older and as they make more money...

that your fast food budget shouldn't go up. You know what I mean? Like you start maybe eating at home or you go to nicer restaurants or you do something where you go, we went somewhere that's like this organic thing. And I just, I just pump it right back in. I stay the same again. Like I said, I'm the greatest average American that's ever lived. I keep it as simple as possible. You think it's gone up since you had a kid?

or no i think i don't change i don't you know i don't think it's one way or the other i don't you know like do you do stuff different because you're like no i do everything the same i roll the same way i roll and it's just a matter of more things get thrown on yeah but it's a lot of uh you know she got an email from oh man oh this is not good laura did you ask michelle

How much average? So what is this? You asked her how many average people? So this is my... Most fast food charges are personal. All right. That was all food and drink. It's saying. It's embarrassing. Yeah. Well, what is it? It's embarrassing. What do you think it is? What are you asking? This is all food, but she's saying most looks to be fast food.

So that means as she scrolls quickly, there's enough MCs that she can't really see the other ones. You know what I mean? Like there's never a gap of not seeing like an MC, Wendy, you know, stuff like that. Is this for the year? This is for last year. 2019. 2019. I mean, it's nuts. I'll tell you, when you're going to hear this number, you're going to be shocked that I can fit through that door. That's what I always... My metabolism must be really good because...

I should not be able to get out of bed. I'll say, based on that average, I was going to go below $3,000, but since you're acting like it's for the years. $3,000 a month. $300 a month. What do you say? I'll say $4,200. Yeah, I'd say a little under $5,000. All right. I would be rewarded if I got it to that number. What was it? It's more than double that number. What?

10,000? I mean, I wish it was 10,000. I wish it was 11,000. What is it? It's $13,000. $13,142. Now, it's all food. Oh, Laura wants to come back in. That's all food and drink.

And, you know, you're generous. You take people out to eat. So some of those could be if you're on a trip and you take the whole crew out to eat. Oh, on the road to McDonald's? I pay for everybody's meal every time. Do you ever pay for a meal with me? No. I pay for every meal. That's your business. That's not bad.

That's still not good. That was a good spin. You went from being a degenerate to being a nice guy. This guy's feeding the homeless. To be fair, yeah. I'm feeding the homeless. That is true. That could be it. That's why it's $13,000. Maybe you should email that back to Michelle so she doesn't judge me. Yeah, that is true. Because when we go on the road, I pay for everybody's meal, which is over that...

Of the one night only tour, it was seven guys. Yeah, that's a lot. Every meal. Right. It's a ton. So that would easily be $13,000. Yeah, because places like Whataburger, that's more expensive. That we paid our bus driver. I mean, yeah, that had to be $80 just going into eating fast food. So it turns out I'm a hero. I bet it's still not good. If $272 in December, that was...

probably mostly at home. I bet I'm high, but I'm hired. I'm hired in the average American. If you just took me. I hope so. Into, I think so. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if I'm 13,000, but I'm paying for a bunch of guys to do it, that's going to easily add up. So that number is not as bad as just picturing me go walk in. 13,000. I mean, it's just you 13th is like more than a thousand a month, dude. I mean, it's,

Yeah. For food that's not 60. 250 bucks a week. Yeah. That's a lot. 250 bucks a week is. Dude, that's so much. I wonder if I could even eat that much. It would be a struggle to spend that much. In a year? I would like to try it. Yeah. I feel like you could do it. I think I could do it. Yeah.

That was the McDonald's, Kenny McDonald's, or what's his face? Supersize Me. Supersize Me. What's his name? Morgan Spurlock. Morgan Spurlock. I know him. He's a great, awesome dude. Let me tell you something. Morgan Spurlock is the best. Good hang. Soder knew him, too. He's a fun dude, man. Real fun dude.

But, and I told him, I told him, I go, when I watched your McDonald's thing and you said you couldn't eat McDonald's for every meal, I was like, this is a joke. I was like, I basically do this. I could do this. And his problem was he was vegan. And then he goes to McDonald's and starts eating. So he throws up. You're like, yeah, dude, if your body's healthy. Right. My body's been through the trenches, man. I mean, I, you know, we have scars. We have, we can handle stuff.

I don't get phased. If I eat McDonald's, I don't, you know, it's phasing me more now as I get older. It definitely hurts more now. Candy's been hurting me. I've eaten candy sometimes at night. Harper's still got her Halloween candy and then I'll go through like, and I mean, about an hour later, I'm like, it feels like the drinking. When you ever drink and you feel like you got too drunk and you're like, why did I drink? It's like you kind of got that feeling from candy. It's kind of crazy. You're laying in bed like,

Yeah. I'm like, God, what am I? Why do I do this to myself? What am I doing? That's like you always see our Harper, our daughter. She could be, she doesn't want to eat her dinner. She'll be like, my stomach, my tummy hurts. The stomach hurts. Blah, blah, blah. All this stuff. And then at like about 30 minutes, I'm like, you want some ice cream? She's like, yeah. And I'm like, I thought it hurt. And then, all right. All right.

All right, so we were talking about McDonald's drinks, right? Yeah. A 2010 study found that 48% of soda fountains at fast food restaurants contain coliform bacteria commonly found in feces. Microbiologists from... Why would you read this? I thought this was interesting. It is. I don't... You don't want to hear that? No. I don't want to ruin... This is a positive...

We're building up fast food. Is there a good ending to that? I don't see how you twist that around into a good... Is there a good ending in that their soda has feces in it? You'll be surprised. There's a good little twist at the end. Actually, urine as well. We've been putting spins on stuff all day. Yeah, the homeless, they don't mind, they said. The homeless, yeah. Go and spin that, Aaron. There's feces in the soda.

Yeah. Well, that's because McDonald's workers aren't slave to the bone cleaning stuff all the time. They're actually working on getting their college degrees. That's a garbage one. That's a defensive. Like, that's a guy that goes, yeah, I bet your mom is ugly. Like, that's going to be your next thing you say to the reporter. Yeah, well, your mom's fat. And you go, all right. They have to go, Aaron used to be so good at this job.

And you just... What happened? Our employees work harder than anywhere else, okay? You want them...

I mean, it was less than half. I'm bombing. Yeah. Ooh, that's a tough one to spin. It's less than half places. That's positive. Not everywhere. 48%. It's only 40% has feces in it, and we're getting better every day. At least we're admitting to it. 40% of McDonald's? No, fast food total. Oh, fast food. That's everybody. Oh, exactly. What are you going to eat? You're including Taco Bell, a bunch of animals over there? They're going to bring us down. We're McDonald's. We don't do that stuff.

All right. That's like the pollution thing. Everybody gets mad at us for polluting. You're like, we are polluting China. It's crazy. That's what McDonald's says. Come on. Don't pollute us into that stat. In 2013, there was a class action lawsuit against Subway because their footlong subs weren't really 12 inches long. Do you guys know this? I think I heard about this. Yeah, I had not heard about it. There was a half million dollar... Well, they had some other stuff too come up.

Yeah. I had to think about your mouth. For a rough decade or something. I mean, yeah. This is the... They were thrilled with this one. This is the one that they go, we're taking all your questions about this. Is it 12 inches long? You're like, yeah, oh yeah, I'll dive into it. I don't know, maybe not. I think we're lying actually about it. Like they just admit to all of it. We got feces in our drink things, dude. They go, did you hear about that, dude? They think there's feces in the sound. It's mainly ours probably. I wouldn't be willing that they put this out to stop the other thing.

Then they go, just give them something because this is a perfect thing to get you just rolling. You think Subway created this lawsuit? Hey, you wouldn't surprise me. They're all behind it. Well, it showed that it was kind of a bogus lawsuit, but they did settle. It was basically 12 inches long, but sometimes it baked differently. Did they argue it was puffery? That's one of the few terms I remember from school, puffery. For a mock trial? Yeah.

Not for marketing classes. The trial showed that the vast majority of bread was at least 12 inches long, but that sometimes the dough sticks bake differently. But the same amount of food was put on there.

So they just sometimes bake differently. What are you even settling for? If you have to settle that, you go, all right, we'll give you $80. How many of these subs did you get? They got $90 each, I think. Who? Every person that complained? Yeah. I thought I had that on here. It was something like they made almost nothing. Yeah. What a ridiculous. Yeah. All right.

Oh, KFC. You know how KFC has the 11 herbs and spices in their secret recipe? Oh, yeah. That's a real thing. There are two separate plants that create half of the mixture, and then a computer does the mixing, ensuring that no single location has the full recipe. Wow. So they make sure nobody has it all, so they can't give it away. You think that 11 herbs on the chicken...

Yeah, whatever the secret is. I'll be honest with you. I don't know. I like their chicken, but I don't think it's good enough that you need to hide this. That's what I was saying. I feel like it's all for appearances at this point. Yeah. Because if somebody found KFC's, they're just going to start another chicken. Like, well, you can start selling KFC. I know, but I don't think anybody is going, oh, let's make KFC's chicken. You know...

Like that Popeye's chicken sandwich, the new chicken sandwich. We had that. Didn't we have that on the bus? Were you with me? I don't think I was. We stopped and had it on the road somewhere. I'm just not the most enormous chicken fan. I'm not a big, you know. So chicken is just not my thing. But I didn't think it was. I mean, it was great. It was good. It wasn't like...

You were like, I got to go get another one now. And so, yeah, KFC, if you knew what they... It's more just like it's cool, no one knows it. Right. Who knows? Yeah. Yeah, just the top people, I guess. I wonder if there was a point in history where McDonald's employees were trying to sneak in and actually get it. Well, that's probably where you're protecting. That actually could be something. Say someone gets McDonald's fries and you figure their fries out.

That could be a problem. Their fries are so good. If you just know... Because look at In-N-Out. In-N-Out, I think their fries are terrible. They have shoestring fries? Yeah. Yeah. Like Steak and Shake, the real thin ones. Yeah, In-N-Out's just... I don't like their fries. I think they're soft. They're just... I don't know. I don't think they're good. And if they had fries, you got to think that's... Their burgers are so good that if they had fries, it would be...

a problem and they can't get it all together. But McDonald's can't. We can get into this later. I think In-N-Out's real overrated. Well, we're doing a fast food episode, so this would be the time to do it. I don't know if we're going to... Because this is a little bit of a pivot from what I just think In-N-Out is. This is my big theory on fast food places. Yeah. I mean, it's unbelievable that you're going to hold out on this. Not from the whole episode. I want everybody to see what I have to deal with as...

that my two co-hosts of this podcast, one undermines everything that I do. And the other one holds out on the topics that we're talking about and goes, I don't want to get into much detail, but I got a great fast food store. I'll tell you later on. Uh,

It's unbelievable. And yeah, don't think I'm bringing everything to the table. Yeah. And I've got a bunch of just, you know, not average Americans. This is what got me thinking about it because there's a Whataburger opening in Nashville. Yeah. And people are very excited about it because there aren't many Whataburgers. They're very, you know, they're in certain locations. They're not everywhere. I just think when it comes to fast food, people confuse fast.

scarcity with quality. Like, In-N-Out is okay. I don't think it's as good as everybody says it is. I think if there were only one McDonald's, I think people would be raving about it. I think people would say, when you go to Nashville, you have to try the Big Mac, dude. It's unbelievable. But they're on every corner, so we take it for granted. I'm saying if In-N-Out expands and there are In-N-Outs on every corner, we would not be talking about them the way we talk about them. I think you talk about them like, what a burger.

Like you said, like Whataburger, you don't really talk about. I mean, the only reason you go to Whataburger is because you're not from that town. I mean, you're going to go to it if you're in the town because you're hungry at midnight. Right. But you're not going to make a special trip to it. But if you're not, we ate at Whataburger after the last show. And that was kind of fun because we don't have one. Right. And so it was like, oh, let's all go to Whataburger. But it's a jack in the box. It's a, you know, it's this kind of thing. But I think that's a great thing. That's exactly right. I mean...

McDonald's is so good that they're taken for granted. Yeah. That you think, I mean, if you go out and eat McDonald's in Dubai, at the Dubai's airport, they had a McDonald's and everybody thinks I'm crazy. Why would you not go try their McDonald's? And it's a little different. It was, it was a little different. It just, something was different. Their meat, everything. It was just, something was kind of different, but it was fun to go try it to be like, I'm going to go get McDonald's in Dubai.

Yeah. And everyone's like, how stupid are you? You're going to eat, you go to Dubai and you only eat McDonald's? Yeah, that's the main point. Like, I want to go see the difference of that. That's why I went. Versus, yeah, what, I mean, Dubai food? What are they, what is their food? I don't know what their food is. I'm at an airport too, by the way. We're not, I'm not eating at some special restaurant. Yeah. Um,

If you are anywhere in the continental United States, you are never more than 115 miles away from a McDonald's. Wow. And they're never more from five spiders. Can you believe that? And there's only one place where it's even that far. That's in South Dakota. The rest, if it wasn't for that place, you'd be less than a hundred miles at all times. You're never more than 115 miles away from McDonald's in the continental U S and

And the only place that is more than 100 miles away is an empty plane in South Dakota. So there's one place in South Dakota you're 115 miles away. If it wasn't for that one, you'd be less than 100 miles from anywhere in the U.S. Yeah.

They should just put one there just so they can change this thing. You're never, you know. Put one in the middle of nowhere? Put one in the middle of nowhere where they go, you're never 100. That should be on their slogan. I mean, that's an amazing thing to say. Instead of a billion served. Instead of a billion served.

Which is crazy. But just say you're never within 100... That's our goal to you is to go... You're never going to get stuck out of somewhere that you can... You're 100 miles away. If you're in the middle of...

Alaska. They were like, well, not Alaska. They said, well, we weren't counting. We were just talking about the middle part of the East. But that's an amazing thing that McDonald's. Yeah, McDonald's, you're right. They get, that's our, the first, that is, my joke's about mom and pop. McDonald's is the first mom and pop that did amazing. They're Michael Jordan.

What is the difference between them and Michael Jordan? Nothing. There's nothing. They started out from nothing. This guy started it and then blew up and they're all over the world. Why would you not celebrate that story of success? I remember when we saw the movie The Founder. We saw it separately, but we talked about it. Michael Keaton plays it.

And you're like, why is he being considered a bad guy in this movie? Like he did something unbelievable. This guy's a genius. Yeah. You remember that? Yeah. Why was he a bad guy? Because they thought he stole something. Yeah. He like stole from McDonald Brothers and kind of, I can't remember exactly, but misled them on the deal. Yeah. I guess he stole something, but.

I don't understand. But he had that grand idea of franchising it and just much bigger ideas than they had. Yeah. Oh yeah. It was like, it's people holding your back, which I, which I, I agree with. I think you don't need people in your life.

That hold you back. That just sit there. Because it is. I've got a huge philosophy with this idea. If someone's trying to take something, if you're doing something, look, you're not doing an hourly job, an hourly wage job. You don't work at Verizon. I talk about this a lot with us. But we're doing something that we're lucky to get to do this.

Every time we come up here and record this podcast, we are lucky that we get to record this podcast. Everybody that films this podcast, you're lucky that you're all doing a job that's not, we're not working, we're not digging a ditch. We're doing something that we actually kind of love and we get to kind of get to do. And so you need to, so if anybody, I always say, if you do something, if anything, people that will hold you back will be the people closest to you. Those are the ones that stop any kind of creativity because they can't wrap their head around being any farther than they are.

And so like with that McDonald's, I don't know the camera, the whole story, but with that, a guy going, we should do this. We should expand. We should be, we can be what we became today. You have someone that goes, I don't want to be that. And that's fine. That person doesn't want to be that, but then you got to get, then you got to get out of the way. Or if you're going to get, or get fired truthfully, or do you have probably what happened to happen? Because you just go, you're going to ruin everything. Cause if you stop the motivation to do something or the desire to

I mean, you're the worst person ever to just put it, go, ah, that's just, I don't want, we should, no. I don't want to do that. That's a lot of work. We're doing fine here. That stuff is, I think, gigantic. So I am on board. Yeah. I was surprised that there's not, I would have just guessed McDonald's had the most locations in the world, but they're second. Anybody?

Guess first. I know it because I've looked this up before. Do you know Nate? Yeah. Do you have a guess, Nate? Yeah. I'm going to do the McDonald's. They have almost twice as much as McDonald's, right? Don't they have? I mean, aren't they number one by a big margin? Mm-mm. Oh, it's close. Not according to Wikipedia. Oh, that is the best source. What is the most? Yeah, like I would have guessed McDonald's had by far the most locations. Most locations. The second. The second. Okay.

Is it like we're never going to guess it? No, it's something you would think of. Okay. What is the most... I will say...

I'll say Subway. That's right. I might have known that. Subway has 42,600 locations. McDonald's has 38,695. Subway is a little bit easier to throw in a closet. We could have Subway in this house and you might not even know about it. You could just be like, there's a Subway back there? Yeah, the back room is a Subway. Honestly, you could throw a Subway anywhere. It's super easy. You don't even need a real kitchen, right?

You just kind of have everything's just right there. You need a walkway. I think your average American hallway, you could have a subway. And you go to someone's house, is that a subway? Yeah. There's so many subways just tucked in the back of like a gross gas station. Yeah. You know, they're just back there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. There's a ton. The best hot dog I ever had wasn't a subway, but it was at a gas station in Knoxville, Tennessee. If someone listening knows...

what I'm talking about. It was like over, you drove over the river and there was a gas station to the right. I actually could ask my buddy, P Jeremy, that I would go with him and his brother, Kevin. And they, uh,

there was a gas station and you would go in there late at night and get hot dogs. And I remember, I just, it's the only food I think I've eaten that I've remembered. I even try to remember food. I try to go somewhere. I'm like, this is really good. And I try to remember it and I just don't ever remember it. I don't think I care, but I remember that hot dog.

And I remember I go, this is the best hot dog I've ever had in my life. And I wanted to go back. Now put all that with my taste and we're college kids probably drinking and you know, the nonsense that would make you walk into a gas station and go, I'll take a hot dog and go, this is the best hot dog. I've had pizza like that too, somewhere in Chicago. But again, anytime I've ever said that it was north of midnight. So you almost don't want to try it again.

You know? Yeah. You'd rather just live on. I think the hot dog place closed down. Oh, yeah? The gas station hot dog place closed down. If anybody knows, yeah, hit us up. Subway's menu has nearly 38 million total possible combinations. That's crazy. Subway's menu? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know how to come up with that. That's a lot. That's like a deck of cards, right? Yeah. In what way? There's just all the...

I don't know what that means. Different. Yeah. I don't know. I need to stop trying to put spins on stuff, dude. I know. You're trying to. Spin machine is slowing down. It's always got to be something else. You're like, oh, that's like, you're like, I don't know. Maybe it's like it is what it is, man. Maybe it's a subway menu. Maybe that's just, is that not enough? Not everything needs a spin. That's what I'm figuring. Yeah. That's just a good fact. That's a good spin. Not everything needs a spin.

Denny's is open 24-7. They finally decided to close for a day in 1988 to give employees a day off, but they had no locks on the doors because they'd never closed. So they had to hire locksmiths to come in, install locks on all their buildings. Wow. Wait, so they tried to, they closed just one day? I said to give the employees a day off, so I assumed just one day. I mean, talk about a horribly run place to go, you know what? We want everybody to get a day off.

And then, so we only did it one day. Yeah. Apparently there's not been other days, right? According to this. Yeah. There's been one day in 1988, all the Denny's wanted to give their employees that one day off. By the way, we're going to work. What's our work schedule going to look like? What's it going to look like? You're going to work. You're never going to close except for one day over 50 years.

But we're going to give you that. Are you like, well, that's nice. We're going to stagger the day? No, no, no. Everybody gets that same day. And then we're back and rolling. And then they go, well, we don't do it. And how about then they go, well, let's just, I don't know. Well, let's get a locksmith. I mean, this probably costs them. That's why they can't close because they're making business decisions like that. You want to give your whole store is get no revenue that one day.

And you've got to spend money because you've got to go get doors. I thought Waffle House doesn't have locks on their door either, right? Oh, I don't know. I thought that's you. Waffle House, supposedly, the key, or maybe they have a lock, but you can only lock from the inside. There's no key. And so supposedly on a Waffle House, when they build the house, they put the key in the cement in front of the door because the door will never be locked. And you can lock from the inside in case, as you should.

Because if something, you know, stuff happens, you did not let someone in. Waffle houses. Doesn't FEMA use Waffle House reopening as like an indicator of when a hurricane hits a city, they look at when Waffle House is reopened to determine when the city's back. It's an actual metric they look at. I would hope that there's something more. I mean, they're looking at other stuff too. But maybe I, but I, no, I mean, you definitely would think,

Are they going to be open? I remember I went to, like a few months ago, to a Waffle House in the middle of nowhere, Georgia, and they were takeout only. And that was the first time where I was like, man, this pandemic is pretty serious, dude. The Waffle House. The Waffle House in Georgia won't let me sit down. Like, wow. Yeah. They turned that around quick, though, right?

What do you mean? That you could go inside. Well, they figured it out. Yeah, right. Well, don't they have stuff up? Plastic sheets hanging down. Yeah, I think Walfouse is like, yeah, we're not going to... It's a good system. They go, all right, you throw something our way. They go, we're always going to be open. Well, here's this thing that we're going to throw at you. You go, like I said, we're always going to be open. We'll figure it out. I didn't know Denny's was...

I never thought about them being open every day. Yeah. There's no Denny's in Tennessee, I don't think. They have a lot of huddle houses. I've never been to a huddle house. It's similar to Waffle House. Yeah. I did a weekend once where I went to IHOP, Waffle House, and Denny's back-to-back-to-back nights. It was a lonely weekend.

According to... Woffo has a very simple operational philosophy. Get open. That's a good... Yeah. That's a good... It doesn't matter. Just get open. Yeah. According to the book Fast Food Nation, 96% of children worldwide recognize Ronald McDonald, making him the most recognizable fictional character in the world.

They also said 88% of people recognized the golden arches of McDonald's, while only 54% recognized the Christian cross. I would think Ronald McDonald... I wouldn't think he would be so recognized. I mean, you gotta think about it. How many times did you see Ronald McDonald? I didn't even know he was still a thing. I was thinking about that, but we're not watching Nickelodeon. I'm sure he's still popping up in commercials. I don't...

On those channels. Maybe. Yeah, I mean, maybe he's in all the commercials. I just don't think, I don't ever remember him even as a kid. I don't remember. The arches are what, the M is what you would know. That's what, to me, would be their biggest thing. Ronald McDonald came to my school and taught us how to use a traffic light.

I have a weird memory of that. Yeah. Being a kid in the Alabama Ronald McDonald, like the top Ronald McDonald in the state of Alabama. Was he teaching you how to build one? No, he was just teaching us. He said how to use the traffic. He was teaching us. He came in and goes, Ronald McDonald told us how to use the traffic. Like, oh, like put it together. He's teaching us what the colors mean. Did you go to an electrical? What's green mean? Elementary school? Go. Yeah, I went to a technical. He went to a trade school. A vocational kindergarten class. Yeah.

He taught us what the colors mean. I remember he said yellow means slow down. And I've always, every time I see a traffic light, I think about that's not really a good description of what yellow means. Yeah. It's, it is slow down caution, but it's like either stop or speed up for a stop. Yeah. It's not just, Hey, go slower. Well, it's actually the most anxiety driven one. It's,

It's get, yeah. Make a decision. Pick it up. You're either, you're either, you're either stopping or you got to go a hundred miles an hour through this, but you got to choose. That's what if Ronald McDonald said that yellow is get on it. You know what I mean? Kids and y'all are all in there as you're learning. Here's how you use a traffic light.

When you build your town, you will need these traffic lights to make people stop, slow down, or go. I don't remember. That wasn't the main reason he was there. It wasn't like he just had a traffic light seminar. But he was there doing... Hey, Ronald, we got a gig for you. He's like, oh, God. He goes,

He goes, how long is it going to be? He's like, I don't know. What are you going to do? He goes, I'll do the traffic light thing and then I'm going to go. And then he goes, all right. And he's going to be, he goes, should I park? Leave the car running. I'm going to go tell these dopey children.

Green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. And I'm going to impact these idiot kids' lives more than anything that they will ever see with just being in their elementary school for five minutes. Yeah, man. And it did. And it did. That's what he knows he walks around with. The clout that he goes, I know what I bring to the table. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't even have to put his cigarette out.

He lit it. He put it in there and they go, you're going to put that out? He goes, I'll be back before it even. I'm still smoking it. And he flicks it on the ground and then picks it back up and gets in the car as the guy drives him. As you know.

As the Hamburglar grabs away. Grimace. His grimace. Yeah, grimace. He goes, God, you're so quick. And then he, Ronald McDonald's squished because he's so big. And he's just kind of squished to the side. He has to have the window down at all times. Let's get out of here. Let's hit it, man. What'd you do? I taught those kids, taught them how to use the traffic light. Use the traffic light? That's weird. Okay.

He goes, yeah, that's what I bring to the table. I teach them how to use a traffic light. He goes, all right, what you want to do, kids? You want to shimmy up this pole? Teach it how to install it. I mean, just, all right. You need a cherry picker? You need a cherry picker? You got to get one of those? And you're going to go, do I need one of these? Ha ha, no. You used to. Depends on how big the town you're going to build is growing up.

How old were y'all? Did y'all have that jacket on? That's why he thought y'all were there to fix stuff. He's just a bunch of kindergartens wearing that brown jacket. Just going, oh, wow, a bunch of young fathers here today. Yeah. Well, I can sure you guys want to hear how to use a traffic light. He just read the room, maybe. As he walked in, he just read it. He just goes, this doesn't... Called an audible? He calls an audible because I'm not going to waste these kids' times on...

How traffic light works, they'd like to know how to build one. That was kindergarten, I think, maybe. Kindergarten? Couldn't have been much older than that.

That seems like a weird thing to... All right. Kids in 10 years can start driving. Yeah. But it worked. Is that where you heard the horse, whoa, story for the first time? Did Ronald say that too? Maybe, dude. Honestly. Is that where he goes? Guys, did you know when they first drove cars, this was before people used traffic lights, they would... When they slow down a car, they go, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then you're like, whoa. Why did they do that? Because they used to ride horses. Oh. All right. Green means go. Yellow means slow down. Red means stop. I'm Ronald McDonald. Lights a cigarette. Lights a cigarette. He walks out. I love it. You want another fun fact? 2014 ad by Arby's. You guys eat at Arby's? Yeah. You know Arby's guy, Nate? Oh, yeah. I don't get, what did I get?

I change their bun up. I get the beef and cheddar, but I don't like their bun with the onions. Not a big onion fan. Yeah, I've noticed that. And then so I switch, I say, can you switch the bun up? And they don't ever really get that upset about it. Yeah. So I think it happens a lot. They're not really in a position to be snobby about it, you know? You think they would, you could hear some annoyance. Oh, okay. You know, it's like, you know, when you ask for a milkshake at McDonald's sometimes it's late and they're like, ugh. They're like furious. Yeah.

A Jamocha shake at Arby's is, you had that? It's called Jamocha shake. Oh, it's like a coffee? Yeah. You know, I never liked coffee tasting stuff until I started drinking coffee more. I can handle it. But when I get a dessert, I want full on chocolate. What about Arby's, Brian? Well, they did a Photoshop sandwich with every meat they had and people asked for it so much they had to put it on the menu. It's called Arby's Meat Mountain. I remember the Arby's next to my house started serving venison.

And I was, I never felt comfortable getting that. That meat mountain sandwich is pretty, I mean, I don't know how you eat that. So someone did, someone photoshopped that sandwich? They did, just to advertise, and then people kept asking for it, so they had to put it on the menu. Yeah, why would they? I mean, what are these businesses? I mean, how do you run a business and go, hey,

Yeah, people keep asking for the sandwich that we look like we're trying to sell. And they're like, really? How stupid are these people to think that could be a real sandwich? And they go, I don't know, but they think it is. All right, well, we have the stuff.

Like, they don't think if you want to do a fake picture, then you got to put something we don't sell in there. Right. Yeah. You know, like something so ridiculous in there. Right. A goldfish is in there. A goldfish is in there. That can't be real. That's what someone, that can't be real. I bet it's real. You know what hot dogs are made out of? Like, they just say, you're like, what? They, they're, but they, yeah. All right, we're going to do it. They added fish to it.

See, they do. They did a poll of every state in the country what the most popular fast food restaurant was during the quarantine. And it's not McDonald's. You want to guess for like Tennessee at least? Fast food in Tennessee, Jack in the Box? During the quarantine. That's a good guess. But this is during the quarantine. So it's not all the time, but I guess in this summer they did it.

Good guess. That's right. Sonic. Oh, look at that map. Sonic kind of dominated. I never trust these things. Well, I know they, they always like, they usually pick as one that you're like, I didn't know that place was into. Yeah. Like long John Silver. Yeah. And you're like, that's not it. I saw, I love Sonic. I go to Sonic a lot. Uh,

Why do you think they did uniquely well during the quarantine? Because it's outside. And you're in a car and you order outside. You're outside in a drive-thru, too. That doesn't even make sense. But it's... You're... I mean, that's just...

You're in your car in a drive-thru. You're asking why do you think Sonic uniquely would do good? What is unique about Sonic to begin with? I understand what's unique about Sonic. The logic behind it. I'm saying the logic doesn't... People want to go do something. It doesn't follow that it's more safe than a regular restaurant. People want to go do something. That's a place you can't just, at a drive-thru, you're not going to pull over and park in a parking spot and eat. Why not? Huh? Because you... You can still eat in your car. Because people are not truck drivers and they're not...

just a bunch of animals trying to hide food from their family because they're embarrassed to eat as much McDonald's as they do. So they don't pull off to the, a target back end of a target parking lot and eat.

All their McDonald's and then go throw it away in the trash can and come home like they didn't eat. Okay. People are going, Sonic is an experience. You go through the, you go through the drive-thru. I mean, you pull into the thing and they, they pull up to your car and. But it's no, it's no more safe. It's not about the safe. It has nothing to do with safety. It's about going out to eat. You go eat at Sonic. It's like, we're going to go eat in the car and you feel normal. That's fair. Nobody feels normal.

Getting McDonald's at a drive-to and then taking a quick right into a parking spot. I think people are more comfortable doing that than you think. I don't think they're comfortable doing it. I think they're doing it because they don't want...

I've done it. I don't do it. When I do it, if I do it, I'm trying to hide eating my bad. Yeah. I don't pull right there at McDonald's. I feel very uncomfortable there. I go to a different parking lot. You go to like a mall parking lot or a grocery store parking lot. You park way in the back. And you sit there and you can devour your food. When you're eating your food, you're focused. It's so easy for someone. You look up and then someone's been watching you like a zoo animal for hours.

Just some families like, what are you doing? It's always a guy by himself. I've done it. No women do that. That's probably... No, I don't think anybody women do it. But apparently they have gigantic hips. We figured out on this podcast. Laura does it. You eat fast food at a restaurant. If you're eating, but not like...

Yeah. Exactly. If you eat... Me and... We could be eating together, babe. If you even... Run into each other someday. Yeah. The same parking lot? Yeah. The most popular fast food items? Probably what you think. Number one. Anybody want to guess? Let me just tell you. A double cheeseburger? No. No. Fast food items? I mean, Big Mac or something. Big Mac's number two. Oh.

What's number one? Oh, is it Quarter Pounder? No. Is it McDonald's? Yep. Just individual item. Just the cheese? The fries? McDonald's fries, number one. Big Mac, number two. Happy Meal, number three. Yeah. Then KFC, original recipe chicken. Yeah. Subway, Italian BMT. Okay. The Whopper's number eight. I always get a Junior. What I do at Burger King, I go Junior Whopper. I don't like the Burger King's fries.

So two junior Whoppers, no onion, no tomato, medium Diet Coke. And you get a medium because medium is now the old large. Enormous, yeah. And so I just like that. I try to get off. I don't want the big drink. Every time I go, I go, what's? I'll even sometimes they'll be like, well, you've paid for a large. And I go, but I don't. It's a cup that when you grab it, the top always goes, it's off. It's just not connected good. A styrofoam cup at McDonald's is the best.

All right, so I think you'll like this, Nate. You want this to be the last one? Yeah. Yeah, wait, I got to do something at 3.30. Anybody cares? About to do an interview morning something. Who am I doing? You can listen to it. God, who is it? Woody and something? Woody and Jim? No, it's for Anaheim. For my one night only dates in Anaheim and San Diego, December 5th and 6th. I got to do just an interview promoting that show. Do I have time for this? Yeah, it's at 3.30. Okay.

Rashid Zahid created a new site called makebroken.com, which provides a map of McDonald's locations and little dots that indicate if their ice cream machines are working or not. Oh, man. It tries to order an ice cream sundae online every 30 minutes and changes the color of the dot based on whether it's marked as available or unavailable. He currently places an order worth $18,752 every minute at every McDonald's in the U.S. to figure out which one have broken ice cream machines.

Wow. He does it online. Yeah. And then he just cancels the order? I guess so. I guess so. Or he's really sinking his life savings. What a service this guy is providing. I mean, I am going to be on this website a ton. Dude, that's so funny. McDonald's, their ice cream machines are always broken. And they're not broken. There's no way. What I heard, and I had a buddy that worked at McDonald's for a while. He told me that that's what they said when they didn't want to

When they had already cleaned it. They've already cleaned it. It's a whole thing to clean it. And so they're just like, it's broke. Yeah. Yes. So it happens at night when the manager's gone. Yeah. That's always... When the manager leaves, that's when all this stuff breaks. But McDonald's said they like this. They know they have this reputation and they're working on trying to improve it. But they encourage this. They encourage this guy doing this. Yeah. Because the thing's not getting...

It's not like he's not making the thing. So you could do it now? It's everywhere? It looks like it. Eight and a half percent of all McDonald's ice cream machines are broken right now. We would have said a lot higher, wouldn't we? Oh, in Baltimore? Probably late at night. Where's Nashville? Can you go to Nashville? Yeah, we're down in Nashville. Oh, you were? So what does it say in Nashville? The one out by Old Hickory in Hermitage is always broken.

Currently, oh, so right now, is this saying in this area? No, this is nationwide. Nationwide, 8% of them are broken. In Boston, 22% of the ice cream machines are broken. Let's go up to Boston. That's crazy. San Francisco, right now, it is 3 p.m. Central right now. 3 p.m. Central. So in San Francisco, it is lunchtime.

And 20% of their ice cream machines are broken. Seattle, 13%. Houston, 11%. San Jose, 11.11%. That's kind of weird. That's crazy, dude. Yeah. That's such a good idea. That's so McBroken. Yeah. You go to McBroken.com. Good for that guy. Yeah. There's stuff like that. Someone's just like, oh, I'll fix it. Does this guy get money?

I don't think so. I think he just did it for himself. He's got a link to his Twitter. Yeah. And no, he doesn't have any solicitation for money or anything on there. Some people are just, I mean, what a service. What a service. What a servant he is. That is a good service. Not a servant. Yeah. Just a good dude. He is. Broken.com. He is.

Was there any one more fun? That's basically it. I mean, there's a bunch more on here, but... Just read through some real quick. Okay. I just saw one, then I just lost it. Oh, the Impossible Burger. You guys had Impossible Burger? I have. How was it? It was okay. Anyway, it was created by a Stanford biochemistry professor. They took an 18-month sabbatical, him and another guy, and they...

Wanted to figure it out, so they created this company in 2011. Now a lot of restaurants are putting it in there. What is it? It's not a burger? It's meat-based burger. Plant-based. I mean, I'm sorry. Plant-based. It looks and tastes like a Whopper. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. There's an ice coffee with a Starbucks ice coffee lawsuit. Oh, really? Customers were complaining that they weren't getting their full 24-ounce ice coffee because

because of the ice in it. They took it to court and the judge said, if a child can figure out that when you put ice in a drink, you're not going to get the same amount of ounce, you should be able to reasonably know you're not going to get the same amount. So he said it's a frivolous lawsuit. Yeah, because they want... Yeah, I mean, what they do is they do it, then they put the ice in. Yeah, ask for no ice. Or get a venti. You size up because you're going to lose it. Yeah, or ask for no ice, but that's the point of the drink. And they go, then that's the point of everything. What do you want? Yeah.

What are we doing here? A Pizza Hut pizza was delivered to the International Space Station, and they had to add extra salt and spices because you lose sensitivity in your taste buds in outer space. So how did they send it up there? It was in 2001, so maybe we had the space shuttle then. I don't know. Elon Musk? Yeah.

Filet-O-Fish. Aaron, do you know how this was created? Big fan. This was created probably for Catholics during Lent. That is correct. Because that's the only time we ate it. That is correct. And then it became popular, so it stayed on the menu. I'm a huge Filet-O-Fish fan. Really? Really. I love it. I think this is the best bread. It's very soft bread. Yeah. It's one I can order without making changes.

I like finding something to order. I don't have to say no onions. No onions. And flail fish, I just say, just give me a flail fish. However it comes. Straight up. Straight up. I love it. I love saying straight up. The relief of just going, but I'm a big fan. Pharrell Williams auctioned off his, or sold his hat on eBay to raise money for charity, and Arby's bought it for $44,000 because it looks like they're Arby's hat. Oh, interesting.

In Southern California, when it rains, Subway will give you a free six-inch sub or hot soup if you purchase a foot-long sub and drink. It's dubbed the Rainy Day Special, I guess because it never rains there. Where? In Southern California. Oh, really? Yeah. That's funny. Yeah. Arby's bought it? Okay. There's a fake lawsuit. A woman put a fingertip in a Wendy's chili. I've heard that. Yeah.

Do you want to hear this? No. Somebody found a finger in a bowl of chili from Wendy's? It was fake. She planted it herself. Was it a real finger? Yeah. It's a hoax. Her husband's co-worker cut his finger off or something at the factory, like accidentally, and then they bought it from him. I like to think they've been waiting to do that. I just want to be a part of that whole conversation. There's no way they planned it. It just goes...

She goes, ah, you know, Charlie cut his finger off today. I was like, hey, all right, look, I just had a crazy idea. Do you think he would sell us that? Like the fact that they probably approached him. Yeah. And I would think in that situation, you could just ask for the finger because it's such a, it's unprecedented. What's the, is that the word right? Unprecedented? It's an unprecedented situation that you could go, can I just have the finger? I'll throw that away for you, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Let me just have the finger.

Instead of going, but they go, no, that's not, I will buy the finger from you. Can I buy the finger from you? And then the guy's like, I don't know. How about, I don't know. Let me talk to my wife. No, no, no, no, no. Dude, don't get all these people involved. Do you need the finger? Are you going to use it? What are you going to do with it? He goes, I guess. And the guy's like, I guess nothing, you know? I mean, I'm not putting it back on.

What are we even talking about, man? Just hand me the finger. What do you want? How much do you want for that finger? He's like, I don't know. I don't know what I can sell this finger. I mean, that's honestly, you can't. Hey, how much for the finger? How much would you charge for part of your finger?

What do you think it is? The whole finger? No, not the whole finger. Oh, just a couple hundred bucks? You think a couple hundred bucks? Yeah. It'd be more than that, I think. I think you got to look to go... I want to go do something fun. Yeah. $1,000. $1,000. $1,000 for a finger. That's a lot.

You think it's a lot? It's unprecedented. Yeah, me too. All right. All right. That's it. Thank you guys again for listening as always.

Make sure you rate, all that kind of fun stuff. Anybody, y'all do any shows or anything? I'm at Zany's tonight, but that probably didn't help with this. You want to have Laura on the show? Oh, yes. So you came on today, so you talked. So we've been asking a lot for my wife to come on. People want to ask her questions and stuff like that. So my wife will be on the show next week. So if you have any questions that you wanted to ask her about me or whatever,

Hit up, you know, nateland at natebargetzi.com or the same way we've been doing it. Yeah. And we can go through all those questions and all that stuff. So my wife, Laura Bargetzi, will be on the show next week. All right. And yeah, see, we might divorce after. See what happens. At least might get the ball rolling. All right. Thank you, guys. We love you. Talk to you next week. Bye. Bye.

Thanks, everybody, for listening to the Nate Land podcast. Be sure to subscribe to our show on iTunes, Spotify, you know, wherever you listen to your podcasts. And please remember to leave us a rating or a comment. Nate Land is produced by me, Nate Bargetti, and my wife, Laura, on the All Things Comedy Network. Recording and editing for the show is done by Genovation Consulting in partnership with Center Street Media. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to catch us next week on the Nate Land podcast.