307: Coach
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I'm so excited to do this episode.

Why? Why? What's so special about this one? It's the coach episode. It's the coach episode. More importantly, look, I know it's called coach, okay? And I love that. I love that for the show, but it really should have been called the V-Rab episode. The Velvet Rabbit. The Velvet Rabbit episode. Ooh.

Oh my gosh. One of the funniest, I truly feel like one of the funniest scenes that has ever happened on the entire show. I can't wait till we get there. We're going to break it down. I'm going to try not to laugh through the entire thing when we're talking because that's all I want to do. Just thinking about it makes me laugh. Okay. All right. All right. Okay. So, so here we go. Coach returns to the loft and he immediately,

I'm already done. Just that moment, the cutaway, the cutaway in that first bit where he's just there. I can't, I can't even do the recap for a second because the way he is so Damon, the way he does that first line so serious and then goes into a full...

like ludicrous line delivery. Yes. I was already dead. I was dead from the beginning of this episode. Okay, try again, try again. Sorry. That moment he let you know exactly what was happening. So coach returns to the loft and immediately things get frisky when he takes the boys to the strip club. Lemon pepper wings for everyone.

Meanwhile, Jess responds by calling her own girls night, which leads to her and Cece meeting the ultra smooth talking Artie, a.k.a. Taye Diggs. Per usual, Winston goes too far and accidentally buys non-refundable bunny money. Ridiculous. It's so ridiculous. I've done that. Coach tries to fight his ex's new boo, a cop. Bo. What? You got a new boo.

I guess you could say Nubu. Or Bae. I'm black. I don't want to read Bo. You're like, I'm not going to go French for you. Let's go. We got our own terminology. Can I say my shit? We're going to say, it's Bo. Who the hell says that? A lot of people. No, not a lot of black people. All right, it's Nubu Bo. His...

His ex's new boo, a cop, already ends up naked in Jess's bed and Nick delivers a knockout punch that once and for all solidifies Jess as his girlfriend.

Fun fact, Russ Alsobrook, our director of cinematography, directed this episode. Yeah, I remember this moment. I guess he'd been asking to find like a good one. And he was, yeah, our DP, super, super talented, the best. And responsible for that whole look that you see that you love of our show that feels so comfortable. That's all him.

Yeah. And then he got to direct this episode and he directed the hell out of it. Oh, yeah. Written by David Feeney. Also the best. Before we jump in, I do want to mention, I remember being at a party. We were at some party when I was like industry best.

TV things or something like that. And I run into Taye Diggs and, you know, we were just chit chatting and talking a little bit. And he was talking about how obsessed he was with new girl and how much he loved the show. And I said, you got to come on the show. He was like, dude, I would love to be on the show, man. He goes, and I said, well, Liz Merriweather is right over there. She was in another corner talking to somebody. And I was like, bro,

I'm sure she loves you. I was like, you're Taye Diggs, dog. It was like, you gotta. He was like, he's like, should I just walk over? I said, shut up. You take this goes. I'm going to introduce you. So I bring Taye over to meet Liz and then they're chit chatting. And next thing you know, he's in the show. Get out. Get out. I, I'm responsible for that. I got no percentage of his paycheck. I got no nothing. Okay. So let us dive in for a second, Hannah. We're in a loft.

Nick gets a call from Coach saying that he wants to hang out. And this is all back and forth, like, oh, Coach is back? Coach is back? It's super, super exciting. We haven't seen this man. And then the flashback. Yeah, the flashback. One of the funniest flashbacks, I feel like, because one, group shot.

anytime it's a group shot and you guys get to play drunk as we will see later in this episode is solid gold and one of my favorite it's one of those things where you like i rewound it i kept rewinding it and then just watching each of you individually right with the choices of how drunk you're going to play and interact with each other and my favorite is um max greenfield because he interacts

With really no one. He's just standing there like a statue with a mad face when you're trying to not act drunk and singing so seriously.

Like singing, like his life depends on it. One of the funniest choices. It set the tone so perfectly for how ludicrous and drunky this episode was going to be. 100%. And, you know, Schmidt, he comes in, you know, stealing. He's stealing things essentially from the apartment. Wind chimes, Jess's toothpaste. It's Jess's toothpaste, but I love Winston goes, is that, he goes, is that where the toothpaste went?

So clearly he's been stealing her toothpaste. Everybody's stealing her toothpaste. By the way, that is usually like a roommate situation where somebody just like has like the personal hygiene products and you're just like swiping it when they're not looking. Oh, 100%. Classic roommate life. To avoid all that, I just buy a lot more toothpaste. And I don't even question it. I just go, whatever. And then one of my favorite Damon moments ever. Oh my God. Nick and Schmidt are fighting. Elvis, the shot of them three, a three shot with...

With Damon's hand on both their shoulders. He goes, you sons of bitches ready to party. Which is also, I just feel like that was Damon. There was no acting. Zero acting happened in that moment. That's how he is. I also did not remember that Coach is just like an open douchebag. Like I didn't remember that that was like the character thing.

that he played or at least in this episode where he like fully leaned into it just being like wildly like oh yeah oh 100 he's like that scene where he comes into the bedroom with nick and jess i was just like what's happening here i forgot oh my god oh yeah because he wants to go so he wants to go out right

He wants to go to the strip club. Yeah. He's making, he comes in out of the gate. He's swinging. He calls Winston shrimp forks because he couldn't palm a basketball. This was my question. When I did the rewatch last night, my question for you was how much did it hurt you? Lamor and Morris to have to act like you were bad at basketball. A lot, you know, because, and like the balls like slipping out of my hand. I'm like, I could palm a basketball. Yeah.

To me, it's funny. So I didn't trip about it. But I was like, this doesn't make any sense. And we talk about it later in the episode, why that term shrimp forks doesn't make any sense. Because I played professional basketball. So I just remember the like logically when when when this was a storyline, I went, well, this doesn't make any sense because I didn't.

No matter where the city is, no matter where the country is, if you're playing professional, that means you're amongst the elite in the world. Well, it didn't make sense because of the flashback, because it makes sense in terms of Coach's character, who is like obviously like highly insecure. So like tears people down their relationship, something they do well, like play basketball. And so you'd go like, oh, you know, like you're a pro basketball player.

Of course, he's going to like feel insecure about it. And so he's going to make fun of you like he's just some like, you know, you know, jerk or whatever. Yeah. But then they do the flashback, which just shows is straight up facts. And that's the part that is like confusing logically. Yeah, that was that was wild. But but I love the look. But Shrimp Forks is also a top quality bully nickname. Oh, I mean, I get called Shrimp Forks to this day. Yeah.

I'm being serious. People call me shrimp forks to this day. I have big hands. What do you call like under the sea type of nicknames that have stuck for you and I? Lionfish. Lionfish and shrimp forks. That's going to be our next podcast, you guys. Stay tuned. Yeah.

Now, Coach, he wants to take the boys to a strip club, right? But Jess tells Nick that she's uncomfortable with him going on a Tuesday night. Nick denies being—and Nick's, like, a little flustered about it, and obviously he's backtracking and he's trying to figure it out because he's got the pressure of Coach on one side. You know, what's happening with him and Jess? They haven't had the conversation. Duh. Capital T, capital C. Yeah.

Yeah. And he and he kind of in a way denies being just his boyfriend. Yeah. And and it's this and that. And we've all been there where it's the labeling thing. Who's labeling? Who's not labeling? You know, did I try to look cool for like a friend who is super cool? My favorite part of that exchange is when he says something absolutely amazing.

you know, inappropriate. Yeah. Right. Like trying to like posture to his, to, to coach. And then she goes, she looks and she goes, I don't know. I love what he's like. He's just like, I'm just telling him what kind of cake to bake me, son. Oh my God. Yeah. I think that's the part where she's like, what are you doing? He's like, I don't know. I don't know. He's really cool. And this is not cool. And I went, I don't know.

And also when he yells at her, I'm so sorry. I love it so much. No, it's so good. So good. Now, Jess is pissed about it. Yeah. So she's like, we going out tonight. That's right. To see your own medicine, buddy. Exactly. And it tasted some of that pineapple upside down cake that she's going to bake.

Now, Coach, again, Coach being a dick. The fact that he just pretends he's never met her. Calls her Jebecca. They live together. They spend time together. Jebecca. Jebecca. I feel like he made that up. No, it was in the script.

Jebecca was in the script? I know, but it was obviously like such perfect writing for Damon that exactly when he said it, I had that same thought too. Because I'm like, that's just Damon being out of pocket. Out of pocket funny improv. And then I looked at the script. Jebecca. Jebecca is in there. That's crazy. In the script. Yeah. That's crazy. Credit to Damon, man. Because you made it seem like you were just being like a perfect improv man.

Now, Jess and Cece, they go to the bar where Nick works to complain about men. Wild place to pick up somebody. So crazy. I know. Literally, this bar is the only bar in town. Don't go anywhere else. Jess calls Nick a man boy and a man child hybrid because he wants to pull a dog's tail. Yeah, there's all these childlike things of Nick that she's just blurting out and, you know,

We talked about this last episode. This is why I think that my actual, like my spirit character is Nick. Because when you talked about your Halloween costume being Mickey Mouse when I last saw you, I'm like so disappointed I didn't get to pull your tail. This is why I know like deep down I'm Nick Miller. Oh my gosh. Well, I mean, I don't know what's wrong with pulling a dog's tail, but I've never done it. But I guess it's bad.

I thought it might be funny. I don't know. Don't do that. Don't do that, people. Yeah, don't pull dog stools. Don't go around touching little animals' booties just for fun. Yeah, that's weird. That's what I'm saying. New theme song. Yeah, I know. But CeCe, you know, she encourages Jess to make Nick jealous with Artie. Huh? Artie, a.k.a.

Tay Diggs. Have you ever been, because that flashback where they show us who Artie is and the fact that he's openly asking Jess out, where she's like, shut your face or whatever she says, something so crazy. She's like, this is not, look at you, no chance. Have you ever been hit on or asked out by somebody that was

You knew that you were, like, punching. Like, someone so gorgeous, you're like, for real? How? Yeah. That happened recently. And I was like... No, to clarify, I did not ask you out, bro. Okay? Like, that was, like, a miscommunication. You're not in my league. I look so cute. But I just... It was this lovely young lady. And she was...

flirtatious and and i was kind of like going like huh i wonder if she is i wonder i wonder i wonder if that's what it is i wonder if she's actually asking me out and uh it didn't work out between us because i was i guess i was in my head the whole time like right you're like how that's yours just like you're just well it wasn't even like yeah it was it wasn't even like how it was more so like

how do I approach this in a cool manner? And I think I, I think I overcooled it. You went to, you got too cool that you got too cool. I got too cool that I got cold. I didn't really understand what was happening in our situation, but I think it's all stemmed from like, Oh, you want to hang out with me? All right, cool. Uh, okay. And it's kind of fizzled out. Yeah.

It happens. It happens. I've told you my story, my Matt Kemp story, where his ex was Rihanna and he then wanted to go and

you know, have a meal with me. And then I was just so, so it wasn't that it was Matt Kemp that was too attractive. It was Rihanna's too attractive. You're like, I don't want to follow up Rihanna. I'm so sorry. If it didn't work out with y'all, it definitely didn't work out with us. I was like, what? Rihanna's ex wants to take me out on a, no thank you. She's too beautiful and too cool. So I'm going cold. Peace.

Peace. This is now we're at the strip club and Winston thinks he's doing a massive flex. Oh, yes. He goes and gets $2,000. With the funniest part of the bunny money, can I just say, is when...

It's explained to him that the strippers don't take money, money, money. No, it's only merch and food. I that was the I didn't remember that part. And I was in tears because you think, well, well, I guess you just have to live at the strip club now for the rest of your life and you can blow this cash. But the fact that everybody knows that this is monopoly money, this is jokes.

Full jokes. 100%. And I've been there. Not thinking that it was fake money. I OD'd once out of... Never mind. We can talk about that another time. Yeah.

You got conned at a strip club? What a shocking turn of events. Oh, my God. I was like, what's happening? Where is my money? I can't believe it. She says she loves me. I'm the one. Oh, my gosh. Anyway. Bunny money. Okay. Now, Coach is saying they're not leaving a strip club until the sun comes up. He's clearly in a...

a weird space right now. And Schmidt and Nick, they're like, man, we got adult responsibilities at an 8 a.m. presentation. And Nick has a pissed off girlfriend to attend to. And they fight over who should tell coach that it's time to go. Now, Nick suggests the guys return to the loft so coach can share his emotions about the breakup with Malia. But coach says no. And Winston, the coward, agrees. They tell Nick he's whipped like cream cheese, which, again,

You know, rightfully so. Now, Jess is sitting there considering, you know, sending Nick a text, you know. She's loving single life. But Cece, terrible friend. Great friend. Terrible friend. She's a great friend. She's like, look, he wants to go sit at a strip club. You're not his girlfriend. He's saying that to you. A strip club is different from going out with a guy. Those are two completely different things.

I can bring it down for you. If you're spending your evening around semi-naked women, that's the choice. And your person you're dating, we can't call him girlfriend because that's this whole episode, is expressing that they are not comfortable with

They then have the opportunity to not behave like a girlfriend because you don't want to call him a girlfriend. Well, they're just two different things. See, one is it's an age-old style of entertainment, adult entertainment. Don't try to make it seem like he went and played like Nintendo. No, I mean, it may as well. He played Tetris. No, it may as well because there's no like— May as well.

No, because there's no emotions there. There's no, you know, it's like, it's not like a one-on-one situation. There are a bunch of people coming and going out of there. It's like, they're open for hours and, you know, this is, they make money that way. This is how they provide for their family. For sure. This is not, this is not a conversation about stripping or strip clubs. This is a conversation about a man who is sleeping with a woman and

And they have feelings. And the woman has said, I'm not comfortable with you going and being in an establishment where women are taking their clothes off. And so please don't do that. And then he's going, well, like, well, you know, I'm a girlfriend. And so she goes, OK, I'm not a girlfriend. Then I might go and sit and have a drink fully clothed with a man. Two different things. Two different things. Same level of discomfort and disrespect.

No. And let me explain why. Let me explain why. Because like I said, one is a transactional thing that has no emotions tied to it. There was no expect when you leave there, the expectation is that you are leaving here and that's it. When you are telling another man who, you know, likes you, who you, who's asked to date you, you're saying, let's go sit out and have a drink. What you're doing is you're now sending the message to another man that you are available to receive his loving and

that's different than a strip club. Everybody knows it's a strip club that it's not, we're not going to date the dollar bills. And then she turns around and sits on you and she has got no pants on. Okay.

That is saying that you are open to receiving some transactional loving. No. Yes! What are you talking about? That goes back to women of the evening. Strippers, that's not the same thing. It's not the same thing. This is one of those things where we have to agree to disagree, which is the whole episode that is happening, except for Nick has a light bulb moment, which I pray for you happens.

Oh, gosh. Hey, listen, I haven't been to a strip club in years, so I don't know. I don't know. Is that a fact? It's a fact. I'm also single, by the way. So, you know, if I wanted to go, I could go. Of course you can. I haven't gone. You know what I mean? Scheduling. Scheduling is crazy. Have you ever gone to one like in the middle of the day, like a two o'clock or like an 11 a.m.? Oof. A morning strip club ever in your life?

No. Yes. Yes, I did. For this episode. Fun fact, this episode was filmed at an actual strip club. No way. Yeah. Where? Where in LA? Do you remember? I don't know.

I forget exactly where. Somewhere off Pico, I think. Really? Yeah, I forget. Where all the good bakeries are? All right. Yeah, man. A couple churches and then strip clubs. Just an 11 a.m. strip club for rent. Oh, Art comes in and he's got a smooth move. Just takes a little of her drink and can break it down.

Mm-hmm. Which some people can do. That just means you drink too much. Specific style of seduction. A Shirley Temple with a finger of coconut rum and a lemon squeeze. She calls it a Temple Grandin because it makes her friendly and compassionate. It's so sweet. Yeah. She comes right out the gate and she says, I got a man. Yes. Yes. Okay, so that's cool that she's at least being on the up and up and letting him know like, hey, this is just the hangout.

Also one of my favorite moments of this episode when he goes to get the eyelash off of her face. And he's like, make a wish. And she's like, I'm scared too. So funny. The delivery was so funny. It was great. So mixed messages though, by the way. Yeah. Some mixed messages. Because he says like, full respect, I'm out. Bye. Yeah. And then...

And it's a terrible thing because Jess is like, you know, she's like, Nick is doing more than shaking hands at the strip club. Because Cece obviously is still scorned by Schmidt's cheating. Says no man can be trusted. As soon as you let your guard down, they just walk all over you. Cece is really projecting a lot in this episode. Oh, yeah. And we find out all later because she does come clean. She does. Yeah, she owns it. But before we get there. She owns it. She owns it. Let's go to break and then when we come back, we're going to see how much of a terrible friend Cece has been this entire episode.

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She is not dealing with her own stuff. I will give you that. And so she's kind of pushing it on to Jess. Let me ask you a question. Yeah. In this episode, I'm not going to mention it. I'm going to let you figure it out. Did we find... Stop talking to me about the bear. The bear is coming in a very special bonus episode. Wait, did it happen in this episode? I don't know.

I don't think so. You can say bear chests. Yeah. Is bear a form of bunny? Bunny a form of bear? Is this the episode? Hold on. Just between not on the podcast. Is this the one where they make the Jay Cutler joke? I think so. Anybody know? Is Jay Cutler part of the bears? Is this the episode where they make the Jay Cutler? Yes. Then a coach or just a player? He was a player. Oh. Okay. And Jess makes a comment about Jay Cutler. And it was this episode, right? Jay Cutler. I feel like it was this episode. It was.

Jay Cutler. Okay. Okay. Okay. So you did find the bear. Yeah, Jay Cutler. Hello. Couldn't that be more of a bear? Okay. So there was a Jay Cutler reference. I'll give you that. I'll give you that one.

I'll give you that. I'm not going to argue with you. We can move on. Meanwhile, Winston, he's over here trying to get his money. He's trying to get his money back. But Bunny Money sales are final and only usable at the bar, gift shop, and their sister club in Fort Myers, Florida. Do strip clubs have their own form of money? I mean, I'm sure some of them do. Really?

Yeah, it's almost like a casino when you get chips instead and you tip people with chips. But usually I think they're redeemable in cash. Like you pay for it. You know what I mean? Where those chip clubs are, I don't know. Because I think generally they will just take money, like actual money. Sure.

but I'm sure that's what strippers do in the velvet rabbit. They also only take real money, not the bunny money. Not at all. Um, uh, Schmidt does a body shot, taste the dancer's baby formula and his growth step immediately. That was like,

The amount of like, it just reminds me of like the kittens and like the lactating nipples. Like there's a lot of these. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, gosh. Feeding a baby. Yeah. It was a lot of babies being born throughout the course of the show. A lot of people were having kids. Now, Nick has a plan, right? The plan is to get Coach really drunk by recreating the shot contest from Raiders of the Lost Ark so they can take him home.

And obviously Schmidt and Nick, they fight over whether Raiders is a pro Nazi movie or not. Um, now Artie tries to be empathetic to Nick. You know, he's, he's kind of helping him out a little bit. He's like, Hey man, he's a guy in his twenties who wants to hang out with other guys in the twenties. And she's like, no, they're all in their thirties. It already has got nothing for that one. Um,

But Jess, you know, she's trying to get to know Artie and she learned that he owns the coffee. He doesn't just work at the coffee shop. He owns the coffee shop and he regularly takes trips to Brazil where Nick has never been. And this is like... Wait, how did you say Brazil? Brazil. It's very Tedious-like. No. Let me try it again. Let me try it again. Brazil. Better. We're talking about Brazil.

Yeah, Brazil. Just like that. And Jess is really excited about that, about the way this man says Brazil and about the way the man says rubby baby buggy bumpers. I love her reaction to it. It's such a giddy... Rubber baby buggy bumper. It was such a giddy reaction that she had, like a very school girly...

giddy typical Jess reaction. Some men do have that voice though that does like your knees go a little weak and you can't. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I get that. Some men have that voice where it doesn't make a lot of sense but your knees go weak and you can't explain it. You're just like, wow, that's a... So Taye Diggs happens to be one of those people.

Now, meanwhile, they're having this shot contest, but for some reason it's only making Coach stronger. The arm curls he does with the stripper is one of the funniest things because I was like, that's a real woman who is not a stripper, who has booked a role on New Girl and Damon Wayans now.

is going to do arm curls with you. Mm-hmm. What a wild... Like, sometimes when I look at what, like, a job is in this industry, that's a wild moment in your career. I think I remember this being a discussion where, you know, it was asked if...

They were trying to figure out which girl he was comfortable curling so many times. Or if they wanted to put a harness on to help with the curls. Oh, sure, to help out. To help out with the curls. But Damon's strong. That boy is strong. It's a funny thing because I feel like in those moments where they ask you on the spot, it feels like especially men, on the spot, can you do this really physical thing with this woman multiple times? Rarely. Rarely.

Do you see the man say no? Because I'll remember there's a Valentine's Day episode. I think it's season one where it's the youths episode where, you know, like they're at the house or whatever. And they asked Max because he has to because I get into a fight in the house to throw me over his shoulder. Right. And walk and walk out. He's going to take me out of that like the house on this Valentine's Day episode. And I was like,

He'd just like pick up, you know, all 100 plus pounds of me and just like,

throw me over your shoulder and walk out. We're going to do this several takes. And so I went over to Max and I was like, Hey, if you want, like when the moment happens, like I'll like help jump, you know, like just to kind of like help or whatever. So, and Max was so offended. And he was like, um, I got it. Like I can throw you over my shoulder and walk out of this. Like I'm good. But then on the first take Max, I think to like show, like I got this throw,

threw me over his shoulder so with such force that I flew up and landed like right on his shoulder and I got the wind knocked out of me oh wow in the proving of his strength and I remember being like holy holy like I just flew up in the air and then landed holy holy

And it was excessive. And I feel like for sure, Damon's like, I can arm curl this girl because she was like flailing up and down a little bit. And I was like, just slow, slow, slow down. We don't need to go that hard with that girl. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, men, you know, it's the machismo we're trying to, we're trying to prove our masculinity. Just watch me. And then meanwhile, the girl's like, okay.

We believe you. Slow down. It's impressive. It's impressive. You can curl the lady. So Jess does call Nick. And what I love about this is Coach calls her the notorious NIG. Or Nagy Gyllenhaal is my favorite. Nagy Gyllenhaal. And Nick says that he doesn't need help checking his woman. I cannot. But she overhears him. I cannot.

Because he doesn't know where the mic is. He covers the listening part of the phone and says it loudly in her ear. That's such a Jake thing. I was going to say. And then when he turns it around, he's like, coin toss. He doesn't even know which side it is anymore. I was like, that's just Jake with a phone. That's Jake Johnson with a phone. I'm quite certain he's still... I mean, the phone's rather easy to use now, but I feel like he's still a little bit like that. And proud of it.

And, you know, well, Jess overhears this and she tells Nick she's with a man. That's right. It's right. Which is...

My God, this is she she she went she did worse than him, in my opinion. Well, it's also Cece helped make all this happen, too. So it's not fully on Jess. It's kind of fully on Nick. That's right. OK, we found we found some common ground. We found some common ground. It's their friends. They're both scorned friends, but two friends going through breakups.

You know, throwing that on their friends, which is causing them to potentially go through a breakup. Now, Artie offers to give the girls a ride home. Jess marvels at Artie, that he managed to stay sober and also that he can use a phone. And now Cece realizes, like, hold on, this was just supposed to, like, scare people.

like nick a little bit and make jess feel like she doesn't have to just sit around and wait but now it's getting out of hand and she knows how much nick and jess like really do love each other they just have not communicated properly on this thing and now cc is trying to like moonwalk out of this 100 and then meanwhile we go back you know we cannot with this scene either

You see Winston eating lobster because it's the most expensive thing. The lobster came out gray, by the way, which is like, you don't buy lobster out of strip clubs. Here's my question for you. Was that lobster real? The lobster was real, yes. No, why? Yeah, lobster was real. Why? It's like the other thing we talked about in the bar where you had to do that thing with the fish and you're like, it was real. And I was like, why? Yeah, they always have real food. Ew. Ew.

I know. I know. That was a huge lobster in front of you. A huge one. You know, the rule is to never buy food from a strip club unless it's in Atlanta. Atlanta's strip club, their food is the best part of the club. I mean, I believe that. Cheetahs. Shout out to cheetahs. Just a great, great restaurant. First of all, can I just say with cheetahs, is it really just, you know, because the men are all cheetahs?

Oh, hilarious. They're not cheating. They're just eating. I just want to know. I just want to know if they were being creative with the name. You feeling like cheating tonight? Cheetahs. We got you. Nah, they, they get more class than that. They're not letting you cheat on your significant other. I'm sure. I'm sure they're checking your relationship status. They do. They need to stay open. You know, a bunch of pissed off wives coming in there trying to shut the place down. Um,

Now, fed up with Coach's behavior, Nick exclaims that the relationship is not toxic. Right. He finally starts to stand up. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, I love Jess. She's sexy. You know, she's smart. You know, all these things. And he really wants to go home to be with her. And then it's in this moment that we see Coach just crying. Yeah.

He's crying at a strip club because Malia broke up with him, not the other way around. And he was embarrassed. And he admits it, which happens, you know, he's trying to fill the void with naked girls. That that's a real thing. I don't know why it doesn't work, but men try it. Women try it too. Now, Winston, he buys everyone again. He's got this money he's got to spend.

So he buys a ton. Wasn't this the wrap gift for season two? Didn't we all get Velvet Rabbit hats? Yeah, we got Velvet Rabbit hats or jackets, I want to say. And Rizzoli was in a full Velvet Rabbit sweatsuit. I think Erin O'Malley was too. I feel like they got the full sweatsuit, which, by the way, I would love one of those. Oh, yeah. Ooh, merch? Velvet Rabbit merch? I just want to say merch, yes. Also, Christmas is coming up. If you want to get me some.

I ain't doing it. I know your assistant. I'm going to tell her. Lamorne told me that he wants to get me a Christmas present this year. Could you see if you could find the velvet rabbit full sweatsuit?

We have our own line of communication. We sure do. Oh, you sure do. I know. That's what I've been told. That's what I've been told. Now, Coach, you know, he takes the guys. Okay, first of all. I can't with this conversation. Okay, let's go. And he's like, I'm going to confront this guy, Malia's new boyfriend. And then they pull up to the police station, which is like, what? What?

Wait, what? I'm confused because that means Coach lived in L.A. this whole time and he never visited them. He was so absorbed in this relationship with Malia. But he wants to pull up to a police station and beat up a drunk fight, a cop at the at the police station. So that man is all his people there.

Winston says, hey, you know the joke about the four guys, two white guys, two black guys walking through a police station? The white guys walked out. You know, but Coach is drunk, you know, and he's trying to get revenge and he's

Winston is like, I bet I get left with this cab fare. I bet. I bet. And meanwhile, Schmidt, I love that. I love this little light argument they're having where they're hitting each other in the back of the car. It's so funny. I saw a moment in your face. It's whatever Nick then says to or Schmidt says to Nick. And then Nick reaches over and like slaps him.

And I watched you like a Lamorne smile creep across your face because I'm like how there is no human person that could sit in the middle of that mess when they're in their drunk acting and fighting across from you take after take and not break every single time. That is like acting Olympics right there because it's way too hard. Whenever one of them hits the other, I start laughing immediately.

And that one was the funniest because it was just like a gentle. Their dancer back and forth had me in tears. Sure. I mean, it's so funny to watch. And the three shot. Also, the way you delivered the line. New Lifetime was one of the funniest things. I'm trying to give away his money. This is all the funny moments.

I'll try to get rid of this money. So funny. Now, the guys, they sober up because they see Coach escalating with the cop, right? By doing like a bunny hop going pew.

Also so Damon. So Damon. Oh my gosh. Now Jess, she admits that she, you know, she wants to hurt Nick by having a hot conversation with Artie. But Cece reminds Jess, you know, although Nick may be drinking on a Tuesday, that she is also drinking on a Tuesday and that she is a teacher. Teacher. I love this line.

where jess is like it's okay this they'll be watching a movie anyway didn't that make you automatically think about how many times you watched a movie in school automatically i remember because they used to roll it in yep on that thing the old tv on top that popped the vhs in and your teacher would be just sitting in a chair like reading a book

Probably trying to sober up or deal with whatever they were actually trying to deal with just as a human being. And it would always be like some voiceover narrated movie like, The year was 1868. You know, like that. Some weird old history movie. Let me tell you what we were watching. Third grade.

maybe fourth third or fourth grade teacher would roll in tv we'd watch movies like boys in the hood you guys are just like watching real movies like that educational movies like not a documentary or something we watched like straight up movies and boys in the hood was wild boys in the hood had like violence in it it had nudity in it there were like straight up sex scenes in this movie for one class it was like social studies and she was just like we can watch a movie

And I remember all of us laughing when the sex scene came on because it was full-on nudity. And it was aggressive. And I remember us, the kids laughing like, oh. And the teacher going, man, what y'all know about that?

Oh, we were like a lot. Yeah, exactly. We know a lot today. We are educated. Oh, my goodness. Yep. Now, Nick doesn't have a life plan or a day plan. He throws pizza at Seagulls.

He's been trying to feed them. And he's a really great kisser. You know, Jess is starting to slowly realize all the, she's in her description of all the negative things about him. She slowly starts to move into the positive things about him. You know what I mean? Even the worst things about him, she loves and finds endearing, which she realizes she loves that bit. She loves that. I was going to say boy. She loves that boy. 100%. And, you know, we go back to, well, she wants him to leave.

She's going to go tell. So Cece says, sorry, she owns what was really going on with her, how she pushed it on Jess. This is like this has gone way out of hand. And so she takes ownership. Also, like a really sweet Jess and Cece moment. It's again, one of those things that I feel like the show has always done really well.

is that they really um they keep the female relationships like that relationship so honest yeah not in the comment like they don't do it for a joke like they always kept that relationship so true where you can be like girl that was that's just me i'm going through my thing and i'm sorry i've like dragged you into it almost screwed up your good thing because of it it was really sweet and beautiful one of the things new girl does so so so so well and so they're like all right

We've seen the truth. And Jess also, because she loves Cece, is like, that's fine. I get it. No problem. Let's just get this man out the house. And I'm going to figure this out with Nick. And then Taye Diggs does one of the most wild choices when he does the leg extension. And then the flicking of the fake water.

I was impressed by the leg extension. I'm not going to lie to you. I was like, I don't know how to do that. My body don't operate that way. I think you could do it. Well, Taye Diggs is a Broadway performer. He sings, he dances, he acts. He's probably taking some body movement classes. You know what I mean? So I'm not able to do that, but I will work on it. But my legs don't make it past, like, ankle. Like, my foot gets about ankle high. That's it. That's it. All right.

Now, the guys, you know, like coach, you know, Nick tells coach that they're too old for this

Whole little thing that they got going on this night. This isn't for us. And Schmidt admits that he is unhappy since moving out. He blames Nick. And then they start fighting in the most each other. Not even like the cop is now just standing there. Now they start to fight each other. Yeah. Which is the funniest thing. And they do. You got it. I have never heard of this before. I mean, it makes sense because it's like the Achilles heel, the ultimate Achilles heel for a man. They fight by.

flicking each other's penises, which is so strange because men don't do that. You could, we don't do that. But I feel like I've seen guys to go like, like to do something like that. And you can see someone like back up, but to chase each other around a parking lot. Yeah. Just touching each other, hitting each other in the penises. That's weird.

It got a little weird. Yeah, for sure. Now, in the middle of all this. Yeah, Coach steps up. You think he's about to now like go after the cop, but he has a moment of growth and says like, you know what? Now that I'm eyeballed, she's not coming back to me. She's chosen you. So just like take care of her. And you think that that's going to be the end of the scene. But then the cop is hella mad.

rude very rude of course rude he's like of course i'll take care but because i'm not some loser i'm like bro you could ease up dog he's up that's right he's up and so they all start making fun of the guy like and then the rest of the cops come running out and they just bolt they realize and

In the weirdest of fashions, they're running like a four-man weave. They're going in and out. They're going in and out. And then you just see Winston beelines it to the right with Usain Bolt-like speed. I got to say, I'm quite the runner. So fastest guy. I was the fastest guy on the cast, by the way. For sure. And wasn't even close. Wasn't even close. For sure.

Now, you come back, like we said, you know, Artie's naked in her bed. Yeah, he's doing the splashing weird thing. And then also implying that now, like, Cece should get involved. Yes. Yes. He's like, what do you say the Brazilian term is? Making love to one woman is the same as... What does he say? Magalish? Magalish. Also that...

What does that actually mean? I don't know. At least just take your tops off and say it with me. I can't. Now, Nick comes home and, you know, Cece tries to stall, fails miserably. But when they go in... Yeah, she's like, I got this. I'm really good at this. Watch me. I'm going to talk to him about some table. And he just like blows right past her. And Jess doesn't have time to get...

already dressed and to make this not look terrible. And then I honestly, one of the, just like the best moments, like the best moments I feel like between the Nick and Jess relationship is

where she just like you know like lets it all like spill out it's not making a lot of sense but she's just like this is what really happened and i know this looks terrible and i can't imagine how you feel right now and she's just like spiraling she's like i just really wish you would believe me and expecting him to like rip into her because it looks terrible there's a naked man in your bed like for real and he just says i believe you and then just like has her back

And it's just like, you got to go. And it was, it's as powerful, I feel like, of a, of what most women want in a relationship, representation of that, as was the cooler kiss. Like, it was just such a, like, I got you. I know you. Don't worry about it. And I'm going to take this on without, like, putting her on trial. Yeah.

Such a loving, romantic, powerful moment in this series. I agree. But I agree. He punches the man in the face and, you know, but then remember, he says we're not equal. Artie says we're not equal. So you assume that Nick's going to let him get out of bed and get dressed so they can have a fair fight. And Nick takes it like I'm going to take my clothes off and get into bed with you to fight you is also the greatest comedic turn ever. But here's what I'm mad about. Hmm.

You're right. Jess did nothing. And she had the best of intentions. And she strategized incorrectly in this evening. However, you did put yourself into a horrible situation. Well, CeCe did. Yeah, but inviting a strange man to your house. No, CeCe tried to get him to leave. And she's like, no, we're coming home. He's taking us home.

Oh, that's right. But she was really drunk. She was really drunk. And now this man has to come and get into a fight because of that decision. She didn't have to go to the strip club and fight no strippers. They both learned a

I just have to say relationships. You got to learn some things the hard way. Trust me. What if Nick couldn't fight? And then what if Nick couldn't fight and he couldn't sucker punch? Now he over here getting beat up on top of the whole thing in his house by a naked man who's clearly much stronger and better looking. And he's getting beat up because she was feeling some type of way. Like what? This is what you put. You put this man through this. He loved her anyway. Yeah.

Yeah. Anyway. The sucker punch was good though. It was a cool punch. It was a cool punch. He did pop them. Anyway, they go and dump him. They dress him in the strip club merch.

And then they dump him in the elevator. Then we cut to Winston bringing home food from the strip club, the deep dish gyrator, the main stage fish tacos, the pour some on me meatballs. Pour some sugar on me meatballs. And the best pancake name I've ever heard. Short stack ass clap pancakes. Ha ha ha.

Now, you know, at the end, Winston's trying to get his loft mates to chip in at least 50 cent on the dollar for the food. But obviously they ignore him. We'll be right back.

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Okay, should we do one mess around question? Yeah, I'll let you ask it. If you had to do an erotic dance, what song would you select? The Thong Song by Sisqó.

We can't let go of it from the last episode we did. We can't let go of it. I refuse. It's also just like, it's a good song to dance to. It's a very catchy song. Either that or It's Getting Hot in Here by Nelly. I don't know. That's a good one. Yeah. One of those two. One of those. The videos were cool. Cisco was running on top of a crowd of people, which I thought was really hilarious in that video. You know what one of my other favorites is, which would be fun to dance to?

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Oh, 100%. Yeah. I can't be like, I can't just be out there dancing by myself stripping. I need somebody up there right next to me singing. As a group strip. Yeah. Everybody doing it. Well, folks, thank you for listening. We love you so, so much. And we love that you allow us to do this for you. So please make sure you follow us on IG at The Mess Around Pod, or you can send us a voicemail.

Or leave us a letter at themessaroundpod at gmail.com. Yeah, because sometimes we do loft meetings where we answer all of your burning questions. If you don't know what really, like, something didn't make sense in an episode or you noticed something. And we address it on the loft meeting. So make sure you send in a voicemail. Then you can hear your voice right here on the podcast. What are we doing next week, Hannah? Coming back with 308 Menus. Menus.

Peace. Bye. That was The Mess Around. This has been an iHeartMedia production. Our executive producer is Joelle Monique. Our engineer and editor is Mia Taylor. Additional production from Daniel Goodman, Wendy Heisler, and Kyle Chevron. Our theme song was written and composed by Ronald Jukebox Jackson. So we're going to catch you next time.

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