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Um, it's going to be a ride today on the podcast because I haven't had coffee in a month. What? What are you doing? And last night I just got back very late at night from a trip to a wedding in Texas. Texas. And I woke up early to do the podcast, so...

Oh, wow. I'm on a ride today. Are you in Texas or are you at home? I'm at home, but I'm on a ride now. You're on a ride now. When you haven't had something, when you've cut something out of your diet for a long time and then you're like, this coffee's hitting like crazy. How do you think? You know what the first thought I had in my head, which is funny you're wearing a hat today. The first thought I had about what I wanted to ask you today, this is what the coffee's doing to my brain, was...

How long from when you step out of the shower does it take for your hair to be completely dry? Seconds? Minutes? I would say minutes because I have very short hair. Yeah, I know. I dry it off with a towel. Do you not take a towel to it first? Yeah, I do. No, I take a towel to it. Yeah, it's pretty quick because I do a whole thing. I put like some pomade in there. I brush it. I stick on a do-rag.

So like maybe three minutes, five minutes before it's fully dry? Before it's fully dry, I'm going to say like eight minutes. See, I'm in the hours situation. So for me to do this podcast this morning and to wash my hair because I was on like a grimy plane ride. I had to wake up hours before to like wash my hair and then dry it. And I was like, I bet you Lamorne.

could take a shower five minutes before the podcast and his hair would look perfect and be all dry and great. And I was like, man, these inequities. I'm going to start a rally. I did not shower before the podcast. I can smell you from here. I know. I did not shower. We live neighborhoods away. And when my hair is not feeling right, I just stick a hat on. And today is a very special hat. B? B4. I can't see that. It's too tiny. It's a Chicago Bears hat.

You know, this is how I feel like you low-key missed the bear segment. No, I just really, if you know me, I'm a troll and I like making fun of people and mocking people. And I prefer people do the same back to me. But you and this bear thing, you know, I love the ups and downs of it. It's a roller coaster. It's really amusing to me. This is one of the most memorable episodes I feel like we're going to dive into today. Keaton. Yes. Yes.

Keaton, we did a lot of Halloween episodes. It seemed to be... It feels like Halloween and Thanksgiving where Liz Merriweather's maybe favorite holidays or something. I could see why. Because we did several and they were all bangers. And this one was written by Dave Finkel and Brett Baer. Yes. Directed by David Katzenberg. Yeah, I mean, this is just like murderer's row here of who did this episode. So...

Do you want to dive into our little recap and then we'll get into it. Okay. Imagine spooky music is playing underneath. We got to lay that in there now. It's Halloween night. And in order to get Schmidt out of his funk and more importantly, to not attend their party, Jess, Nick and Winston pretend to be

Michael Keaton. That's right. Batman. Schmidt's childhood hero. The plan backfires, leading to Schmidt and Cece seeing each other for the first time since the breakup. And Schmidt moving out of the loft into apartment 4C, which is across the hall. Okay, so that's it. We're going to go to break. We'll be right back.

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In fact, I remember that more than I remember anything about the episode because I would see gifs of that. And I would always go, what episode was that when he was wearing that ridiculous ass costume? You know what I mean? And I just for some reason, for some reason, that stuck into my head because it was so silly. Yeah, the costumes were really silly. I was actually hoping for a super silly costume for CeCe.

But it was like a leopard skin bra and like a mini skirt. And like, yeah, because I'm not someone myself who does like sexy Halloween costumes. I feel like Halloween costumes should be like silly and fun. Yeah. So I was like, all right, this is what we're doing. But it did make sense for storylines. Because if you see your ex looking fly. Yeah, that's true. You rethink some of your choices.

I don't know if you do. I don't know. No? You don't have a moment sometimes if your ex walks by and looks like so gorgeous, like the hottest they've ever looked, and then you just go like, ooh. I go, nah, she's for the streets. Yeah.

She not for me no more. She not for me. She left me. Broke my heart. Go ahead. She didn't dress up for me. The beginning of all those really good Jodeci songs. You know when they would just do that low talk first and then they would just like hit some crazy high note and stay there. Or like H-Town.

H-Town. Oh, my God. Okay, so. I told you this coffee's going to have me all over the map. Listen, when you guys just jump into the comments, no, I'm trying my best. Okay, we'll get started. We'll break this down on a basic level. In apartment 4C, Jess holds a secret meeting, right? You know what? Hold on. Let me go back. Yeah. Yeah.

So in Apartment 4C, Jess has a secret meeting with Winston and Nick to talk about Schmidt and how she's extremely worried about him. You know, he hasn't been to work in days and he just sits on the couch eating cold cuts. Winston and Nick both believe that this apartment is haunted with the ghost of the previous tenant who died in there on the toilet. There's always something funny about, it's not funny. I don't want to say it's funny.

When you hear stories about people dying on a toilet, like it's just like, man, they died. That's tragic enough. Elvis died on the toilet? Yeah. Did you not know that? Nah, I don't be like researching Elvis. That's why it's the whole thing. Like Elvis died on the throne. Yeah, the king died on the throne. You've never heard that before? That's the only person I know that's like ever died on the toilet. Am I right saying this? Is the coffee playing tricks on my brain? No, I mean, I trust you.

it's correct joel said that is correct all right see there you go so i wondered if it was like if like dave or brett were like low-key making an like elvis reference if you're gonna get haunted um elvis haunting you is not the worst oh not at all it depends on which elvis

Like, drunk, sweaty Elvis? Nah, don't haunt me. Like, cool Elvis? Who's, like, giving you cool advice? Let's say you want to date me. Jailhouse rock Elvis. You're, like, coming. I'm like, should I go talk to that girl? And he's like, oh. Baby Elvis references are my new bear. Oh, Lord. There's a whole...

You better go find an Elvis toque to wear. Oh, my God. Taunt me with your ass. OK. OK. So just, you know, just obviously the whole gang. Here's the thing. Schmidt, when he gets into these modes, it's so funny. It's so strange, but it's so funny. Sad Schmidt. Right. She misses the old Schmidt and she's saying that she can't have him around because she's throwing a party. And Nick is like, you know, I'll talk to him.

He goes to try to talk to him. And what's Schmidt doing? He's on the couch. He's watching Obama speak. And he says nothing matters. And he's eating turkey. And then he does something that this is this is like this is one of those things that black people think. And I could I could be speaking for myself here. I'm going to generalize here for a second. We used to think that this is how white people ate mayonnaise. He just takes the bottle and squirts it in his mouth. Yeah.

For some reason, a few people and they all are of the Caucasian descent who like like a jar of mayo and a spoon is like a preferred consumption. I will say that. Now, taste wise, I've never tried it, but what it goes great on a sandwich. Yeah. You know, but I go, what is that a real thing or is this just us being racist?

We are making a mass generalization about a race. Because when I was coming, there's a whole movie on it, Undercover Brother, where Eddie Griffin, like the whole kryptonite is the mayonnaise. It's like a whole thing that, you know, I can't quite get out of my head. So when I saw it, I was like, oh, why is that weird? Isn't that? Maybe this was just, you know, we got to a season finally where the writers were like, we've got to balance out these.

These little micro stereotypes we were enforcing. Yes. And we're just going to balance it out and we're going to make Schmidt eat mayo straight up. Maybe that's just a balance in the universe of New Girl. Yeah, maybe. I'll take it. Yeah. Anyway, it was disgusting. Yeah.

Meanwhile, my character is carving a pumpkin, which I did recently, which is the first year I actually carved pumpkins. It's very difficult. It's difficult. They give you that little set with the teeny knife and the teeny little saw, and you're trying to do it, and you're like, this is genuine. How are children supposed to do this? Yeah. I was like, at any given moment, I'm going to cut my finger off. That's right. Yeah.

I was like, this is crazy. And my daughter kept wanting to come up next to it while I'm like carving. I'm like, no, wait, baby, wait, baby. But, and she,

Cause I don't know. I can't trust this knife. You're like alone carving a pumpkin. You're like, what are we doing? Yeah. Like why did I, she don't care. No, that's when you just like get a Sharpie, just draw on it. That's fine. It puts them like candles around it and you're fine. Yeah. Well, we just solved Halloween next. Yeah, I know. Well, Winston's carving a pumpkin. Schmidt grabs it, smashes it and it's getting ridiculous. And Jess, she wants to talk about the party, but Schmidt, you know, he's aware. He knows that she doesn't want him there.

So he says he'll just stay at home. But oh wait, mi casa, su casa. Diabolical. He's so diabolical. I mean, when he gets on these master plans, I think it's one of the funniest things.

I think it's because Max just liked doing it so much. He loved being a little bit of a bad boy. Oh, yeah. Now, here's the funny part. This is where things get a little interesting. Winston, he's like, hey, listen, I think there is one option. Whenever Schmidt gets like this, we got a remedy for this situation. But it is tricky. And Nick doesn't want to do it.

Nick doesn't want to be involved with this. You know, Winston tells him, hey, man, I think it's time for Schmidt to get a letter from an old friend. Yeah. And immediately he's like, nope, can't go there. And then the flashback of like, I wonder how many times this has happened to me. Like my mom has done something like this and I don't know about it. Just straight up lie. She sent him letters from Michael Keaton as Batman to cheer him up.

And obviously Nick and Winston carried on that tradition for years. My favorite thing is the letters would appear anytime he had a problem. Like bullies, makes sense. Schoolwork, makes sense. Public erections. Which is always great for the viewer. You know what I actually didn't realize? I was talking to some friends, mixed gender group.

And this came up because we watched some teenage boys go by and they were just like, we're just chatting about being teenagers and remembering. And then all the guys in the group were talking about like, not in a funny way, like how one of the worst things about being a teenage boy was for absolutely no reason. Yeah.

in public or at school you would just get these yeah hello sirs but they're not they're not for no reason like i can give you a list of reasons like you could touch the edge of the desk wrong standing up and you're like well that's happened right they could be uh your teacher could walk in and you're like oh okay uh a draft could come by oh you know what i mean like can you answer this question oh i'm excited you know what i mean like that's that was

That's a real thing. They should do kind of like public erection sensitivity training, I feel like, to teachers. Because if a kid, you know, like you'd have to stand up at school to like read something or do something. And like, what if you just, I can't. And so I feel like there should be like an age range where like, just let the boys stay seated. I feel like they're ready to stand up. Yeah. I feel like that right now, this generation is very blunt and honest.

I feel like I can't. I'm hard right now. Sorry, Miss Jackson. Sorry, Miss Jackson. OK, we'll solve that moving on. Yes. So so he gets these letters. Right. And they decide, you know what?

Where Jess asks if she can use Michael Keaton again. And Nick is not for it. He just won't do it. And Nick, obviously, he hates lying to his best friend. They leave the room and they leave Jess alone. And obviously, Jess does. Jess going to do what Jess going to do. That's right. And she emailed him. Now, meanwhile, we're at CeCe's place. CeCe.

Let's talk about this for a second. Is this the first time we've seen your place look like this? Your place was a disaster. Disaster. It was a dumpster fire. I feel like it. I feel like we started to now, the second season, kind of like push a little deeper into Cece's life this way. Yeah. She just doesn't have it all together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You definitely didn't. What I found to be very interesting about it was like it was the next day.

And you were still on the couch, almost like you just finished drinking. Yeah. I was like, wait. You don't remember those days where you're just like, I'm a bender. And then you're just like, you don't know how to get off the bus. Hannah, no, I'm a professional. I've never been in one of those moments. I do remember them struggling in hair and makeup because I have very stereotypical Indian hair. So it's great hair.

And it kind of just always looks like this. Kind of nice. And they were trying to make it look like a disaster. And they were just like, no, she needs to look a wreck. The hair needs to be all over the place. And they were trying to tease it out and pull it. They were trying all these things. I remember Erin O'Malley coming over and being like, she needs to look a lot worse.

Like you guys have to make this happen. And then my hair would just right before we'd roll, like fall really pretty. And I was like, I don't know. Hair acting is not something I'm really in control of. I don't know how to help you guys. It's not your strongest suit. Not my strongest suit. No, the hair, the hair is a terrible actor, my hair. Yeah, mine can look bad. I'm okay. And I know, I know that. And the whole eight minutes you have to manipulate it. Oh my gosh. Okay. So she goes into your place.

And she asks if Cece's coming to the party. But she doesn't want to run into the ex. She doesn't want to do it, which I understand. That makes perfect sense. I don't mind running into an ex. I don't mind. I feel like you, though, have had, like, you are, like, pretty good terms with people.

I think so. There's only one ex that I'm not, but I wouldn't mind, you know, running into her and just being like, boo, you know. So now you need to do that Halloween party so you can make all this happen. Yeah, I know. Make that moment happen. All right. So they get a pinky promise. He's not going to be there. I've taken care of it, which is like...

Like, you kind of have to follow through with that. You can't just then jump scare your best friend with an ex at a party. Especially when you can see your best friend is like in it. Mm hmm. All right. So stakes are high. Stakes are very high. Now, Jess, she walks into the loft. She's got this big bag of candy. She just went trick or treating. And Justin Schmidt walks in and lets everybody know that he changed his mind about the party because he...

He's been emailing with an old friend who convinced him that he needs to give Cece some space. And Schmidt reveals to the group, it's Michael Keaton. Yeah. Out of just acting surprised about it. And Winston and Nick are like, oh, shit. This made me have a question for you. Who was your first...

like famous friend way more famous than you that you kind of felt like, oh man, when they hear who my friend is, like it's going to give me instant like clout and cool points.

You know what I'm saying? Where you're just like, I know this person. The number's on my phone. This is crazy. Well, I would say Jaleel White was the, probably. I'd say Jaleel White. Every time you say Jaleel White, I go straight back to Al Carmen into the worst moment of my life. Uh-oh. Oh, and was that when you ripped my shirt open? Is that that moment? Who are you talking about? I just bought this shirt. It was so lovely. Yeah.

It was such a lovely button up. And I don't know what you just, Jaleel's there. You just go, what is this shirt? I forget what you said. No, you know what it was. You thought there were snap buttons. Snap buttons. I got excited. It was a snap button shirt. I saw you. I thought it'd be really funny. I, at that time, did not know Jaleel more than Urkel. I didn't know. And I was a huge fan of that show. So I was like, oh, he's funny. He's a funny guy.

And so I thought I would snap button your shirt and ripped it with all my strength. And instead, buttons went flying across this bar. Yes. And it was like an El Luchador kind of bar, right? They have all the masks all around. Yeah, El Carmen, yeah. El Carmen, one of my favorite bars ever on 3rd Street in LA. And the look on your face, because I had just destroyed it.

Yeah. In one second, this brand new expensive shirt. And I had no idea. And then I was like, I must immediately go home. This is the most embarrassing situation. So Jaleel was your first like little braggadocious moment of having like a fancy friend. Yeah, it was it was interesting because he was so nice. Like when I first met him, he was very nice. He would, you know, give me advice on things. You just help me navigate my way through through Los Angeles. And now I thought that was rather cool of him.

Him. Yeah. Yeah, I would say it was probably him. What about you? Kanye? I don't know, to be honest with you. I honestly think probably when we started doing this show and I was like entering Zoe's number into my phone. I was like, wow, this is like, you know, this is like real. It's a really weird like crossover moment of art and life where I'm like,

pretending to be your best friend and then we are growing like this real friendship yeah and it was like a really there were so many moments on the show where I felt that where it was like there was like this weird like parallel stream going of art and life happening at the same time yeah and that was definitely one of them I was like wow so maybe Zoe maybe Zoe I thought you were going to say Kanye but yeah

Still have no... Oh, that's not true. I met Kanye once. Oh, okay. Just once. He dropped his hat. He dropped his hat. This story is also ridiculous. I've told you this story. I just moved to LA. I was dating someone at the time. And he walked by down the street at like one in the afternoon with Amber Rose at the time. And his toque that looks like yours dropped out of his back pocket. And my boyfriend at the time...

Like a excited tiny child that had found like hidden lollipops. Got up, freaked out, ran over, picked up the hat and like bowed down like out of Bridgerton and was like, oh yay, you dropped your headgear. Your hat's up. Your hat's up. And Kanye was just like, thanks.

and then walked off and then he came back and was like flushed and has told the story forever and it was his reaction that makes me remember the story not so much the fact that it was Kanye I get it I understand alright okay okay okay okay okay back to the episode

You know what I love about this moment? What? When Schmidt leaves, Nick and Winston, they tell Jess that she has no idea the can of worms she's just opened. Right. And Nick goes, they have no idea how he would react if it were real. It's a real Truman Show situation. Winston is like, yeah, which part are you talking about? Like, yeah, the middle? He's like, no.

I'm not convinced you'd see this. I feel like I've done that before, but I'm like, when people talk about, back in the day when people used to talk about Star Wars, I would go, yeah, yeah, I know, man. It's crazy. Or when people would make friends references, like, that's a Chandler move. I would go, so Chandler, that's crazy. Never seen these things. Don't you use that though, because sometimes it's easier than explaining.

I've never seen it. And then they have the same reaction the whole time. And you're just like, I don't know. I still haven't seen it. So you can have this whole reaction, but like, yeah, just like moving on. I'm not going to change. Yeah. Moving on. So I'm just going to be like, yeah, yeah, totally. Totally. I do that all the time. I feel like. Yeah. I can't deal with the conversation about this thing that I still don't know about. So move on. Yeah, exactly. So there's all this back and forth about the,

of why. I mean, we spent a lot of time in this episode breaking down like why this is a problem. You know, you know, the college dorm situation where Schmidt's confused because in 95, Keaton City had never been to Nicaragua. You know what I mean? Getting caught in the lie, a long lie, getting caught in a long lie, that's hard. Well,

100%. Yeah. So it's delicate. And she has no idea all the little lies he's told to build up this particular Keaton. So she's like, okay, let's just keep sending them in. Just trying to backtrack and email her way out of the situation. Right. So she gets the laptop, sends another email from Keaton. And then they go to Schmidt's room to find him on the bed eating a block of cheese. And he lets them know that

and he's sad because you know he left him again because he's on vacation um you know yeah anyway this is uh this is this is again back to depressed schmidt which i i could watch i could probably watch an entire season of this of like just a really depressed max greenfield and all the shenanigans that he all the bits that he would do um

So, you know, we cut back to just Nick and Winston there across the hall again in 4C. Nick puts on the Batman mask, this really bootleg plastic makeshift Batman mask. I feel like he would have done easier to just go to the store and grab one.

But they all agree. Channel Keaton. He's getting into character. He's got to get in the right headspace to get back in it to make sure that he can save the situation because it's a delicate mental health moment for our sweet schmidt. 100%. And the reason why he's doing it is because he has to get into the mindset. You have to get into that mindset. You need inspiration. And keep talking. Keep talking. Keep talking. All of a sudden, they go about a picture of a brown...

There we go. There we go. A brown bear. That one felt so intentional. You know what that one felt like? It felt like we had already been recording this podcast and they went back and added. Time traveled. But Bear wrote the episode, put in an intentional bear. You showed up in a bear's toque and everybody went, Hannah needs to bring that bear segment back for when we do season four. For all those Americans out there, a toque is a hat. That's what they call like a beanie.

in the canadian world better but also what's crazy is toke is spelled t-o-q-u-e of course it is you guys are your cues bonjour okay um uh so jess reads the email courage is not the absence of fear but the triumph over it nick says he stole that part from nelson mandela but he did have the part about the penguin and the riddler

Now, at this point, Schmidt gets the email, but then there's a knock at the door. It's a bunch of kids trick-or-treating, and he sends the email, but he hears a chime across the hall. I forgot about this part of the episode, and I genuinely got stressed. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because imagine that. Imagine going through that situation where you're about to catch... All of your...

Things are being revealed before your very eyes, and it's like a weird truth. Well, like discovering a whole part of your life was a lie. 100%. 100%. That's so terrible. When I realized Michael Jordan might be my father, I was like, what, mom? You got something explaining to do. Now, Schmidt wakes his way over to apartment 4C, opens the door, and through the cracks of the door, who does he see?

Winston, Nick, Jess huddled around a laptop and he hears them typing the email. Keaton, we'll be right back. This podcast is sponsored by PayPal. One of the things I'm loving right now is the PayPal debit card. It is so convenient and I'm earning 5% cash back in the monthly category of my choosing on up to $1,000 of monthly purchases. Total game changer. I'm

I'm using my PayPal debit card to earn cash back in the apparel category this month. Shopping for the perfect outfit is so much fun, especially when I'm putting together a look for a special occasion. Knowing I'll get cash back just makes it that much more exciting. What's really great about the PayPal debit card is that every month I can choose a different category to earn cash back on, whether it's restaurants, apparel, health and beauty, groceries, or gas.

Plus, I can get cashback offers within the app from brands like DoorDash, Sephora, and Instacart. Download the new PayPal app, sign up, and start earning 5% cashback today. Don't just pay. PayPal. Terms and limits apply. See paypal.com slash rewards pal. Cashback earned as points redeemable for cash and other options on up to $1,000 spend per month. The PayPal Debit MasterCard is issued by the Bancor Bank N.A., pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated and may be used everywhere MasterCard is accepted.

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Yeah, while you're sleeping, Oscar Mayer is still smoking that bacon. Forget your mattress. For thick cut bacon you'll dream about, keep it Oscar. And we are back. I love the fact that we found the bear, Hannah. I do want to discuss this for a second. I honestly, here's the truth of it. You have mentioned the bear and the bear segment before.

so much more in this season of our podcast than you ever did when we had the segment in the first season of the podcast. So I'm going to say this. I told you I'm going to do an episode at the end of this season where I then do my proof. We're going to consolidate it all so all the fans can go there and see it. But I feel like I'm well within my rights to bring it back because I think you low-key, high-key miss it.

- Well, it was a staple to be quite honest with you, but it wasn't a staple for informational purposes for the audience. It was a staple because the audience, and they all agree, they loved mocking you and your failures to find the bear. That was the thing. That's a fun game with the kids out there is to like point fingers at you and laugh. - I feel like you're just referring to yourself in like the royal we, but you're calling it like the audience and this is just you.

No, I spoke into the fans. I spoke into the fans. Like I've had individual conversations with everyone. Everyone. Everyone. I respond to all the emails, all the DMs and I go, yeah, Hannah's out of her mind. She's crazy. Let's keep pointing at her and laughing. Cheers. I welcome it. Have a giggle on me. Well,

Oh, Halloween party is happening. Oh, yeah. I love a good Halloween party. Which is, by the way, I would like to say the last time we saw each other was at a Halloween party. Yes, it definitely was. Yeah, we went to Zoe's house. Yes, she throws one hell of a Halloween party. Oh, we had a great little Halloween party. And what I just realized is I did dress with cat ears at that Halloween party. I can't believe no pictures.

Yeah, we didn't really take... You and I did take a picture together, which is kind of ridiculous. But I did have cat ears as I just made fun of Cece's costume. I kind of low-key channeled it. That's kind of funny. What was I that day? I was Mickey Mouse. You were Mickey Mouse, but you were basically just in pajamas. Yeah, it was the easiest Mickey Mouse costume to wear. It was like sweatpants that would... Like Mickey Mouse sweatpants. And also Mickey Mouse hoodie with some ears. And my daughter was Minnie Mouse. Yeah, no tail.

I did have a tail. Was there a tail? Yeah, joke's on you, fool. I had a tail. Man, if I had seen it, I would have. It was Velcro, so somebody probably did rip it off. You lost your tail like a lizard. I actually don't know where that tail is. Zoe's lost and found. Okay, so now some great costumes. As always, the show loved a pun when it came to the costumes on New Girl. Joey Ramona Quimby.

Great costume. And she looked hella cute. I loved...

Nicks. Nicks is great. Oh my God. He's a paper mountain trash king. Just to make up. When you know people are like, what are you? And you look at yourself and you didn't really fully do it. I got to give you some title to make it seem like you did something. That's Nick. And Winston walks in as David Letterman. I can't. That's so funny to me. Especially the flashback. He's like, I've always been told, you know, people always tell me that we look alike. And you flashback.

And you realize he's talking to a guy behind Winston who looks exactly like David Letterman. This is why our casting was always on point. Oh, yeah. Perfect casting. And then Schmidt appears in his costume. He is a public serpent. The best. That right there wins. I was like, that has stuck in my brain for the longest time. Yeah.

So he says that he reread some of Keaton's emails and changed his mind about coming to the party. I can't wait this further. He tells Winston that he loves his costume. He thinks that Winston is Maya Angelou. And then I thought about it and I was like, yeah, I can see that. I can see that. I know why he thinks that.

Oh my God, that was one of my favorite moments. It caught me off guard. Okay. So now Jess is stressing. Stressing because Cece is about to show up and she made a pinky promise. And as we know, that is the highest level of a promise that you can make. Oh, 100%. 100%. And Nick is stressing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's stressing because he's worried about Schmidt finding out and going full Truman Show. Winston, again, says he's totally seen the movie. It's about the Civil War, right? You couldn't be further off. But I get it. And so they all run to the Batcave, a.k.a. 4C. Now, Jess tells Winston to head to Cece's and stall while she types another email and tries to fix the situation. She chugs on the bottle of whiskey.

Meanwhile, Schmidt is standing right outside of 4C listening to all of this. She sends another email just saying that Keaton will meet him outside of the apartment in 30 minutes. Just then a knock at the door. More trick or treaters. This time, Jess sees a kid dressed as dun dun dun. She gets a bright idea. Obviously, Jess gets a bright idea.

And what's crazy about these things is that whenever Jess puts on these costumes, they immediately turn into costumes that fit her. Like the Elvis. Like the Elvis costume. I was like, that man is four times your size. But when you put it on, it fits perfectly. I will say, you know, she does have a sewing machine in her room. Oh, she probably went and hooked it up. Maybe she's just doing like a whole, you know, alteration. Probably. Didn't make the show. Cutting room floor. And her Batman voice.

I can't. Oh my God, it was terrible. It was terrible.

Yeah, it's really fun. It's so good. So she runs away just as Schmidt is coming. You know, Nick tells Schmidt to turn around because someone famous is out here. You know. Oh, actually, I'm taking that back. Schmidt asks. He asks Nick if he's seen anyone famous out. Because now that the cat's out of the bag, Schmidt's kind of playing with him a little bit. He's kind of messing with him. You know, and then just pops out from the alleyway.

I want to say there was smoke coming out of the alleyway too, right? I was like... They made it seem like one of like... It's like Gotham, right? It's like the New York alleyway where there's just like weird... There's not smoke. It's like there's that weird hot dirt air. Yeah, steam coming out. You definitely shouldn't be breathing in. I've been through many alleyways. I've been through many alleyways. I used to hang out in the back alleys. And I never... I don't think I've ever seen...

That much steam or smoke coming out of them out of the shadows like that. But, you know, we made it happen. We made it happen.

Um, so, you know, Jess begins obviously doing her Batman voice. Schmidt is trying to make his way over to her, but she's, you know, Nick is holding them back. He doesn't want to get close. He didn't want, he doesn't want the secrets to get revealed. Uh, he eventually breaks free and tells them both that he's not stupid. Yeah. He knows. So he's known the whole time. It is heartbreaking. Um, and he tells them that they should be ashamed of themselves, uh,

For hacking into the private email of one of the nation's finest actors. Best twist. Because you really think he's smart enough. You really think he's figuring it out. Oh, my God. Oh, but his sweet little heart. Like, he really still believes it. I love that twist so much. Because you think it's like it's over now. Yeah, you think so. But he's kept, like, the hope alive. I love his email. I love KeatonPotatoes at AOL.com. KeatonPotatoes. KeatonPotatoes.

I always wonder about things like that when they do smart things like that with an email. Did the show like immediately like get that email or did when it aired, did like a fan go and like grab it? There's only one way to find out.

Should we send an email to Keaton Potatoes? Yeah. Let's mass email Keaton Potatoes. That's K-E-A-T-O-N-P-O-T-A-T-O-E-S at AOL.com. Yeah. See what you get back and then screen grab it and tag us. We want to know. Oh, yeah, for sure. I hope a fan has this email. It would be so great. And if they wrote back. Oh, yeah. What if Michael Keaton got it? What if that really is his email?

No, because at this point, fans have already emailed it. You think so? This episode came out a decade ago. Please DM us. If you have, like, go to the Mess Around Pod on IG and DM our account there and let us know. Have you ever sent an email? What happened? We want to know. We do want to know. But Nick is trying to convince Schmidt that it's been him the whole time.

You know, how else would he know about specific things about Schmidt, Schmidt kissing the bus driver or wanting to open up the glassware boutique in Connecticut or about the wall hole? Schmidt is in denial. He's like, this is impossible. I've been writing to Keaton since I was a kid. And that's when Nick breaks it to him that it was his mother's idea. You know, she was the one who helped him with his public erections, which is embarrassing because he drew pictures. Yeah.

Which is also such an interesting character moment, I feel like, for Nick. Because they could have kept the lie going, right? Because they could have just been like, I'm so sorry, we did that. Keaton is still your buddy. But I think the weight of carrying it for so long... Because it's Nick who's the one who tells the truth as opposed to being caught. Yeah. Time to grow in that friendship. 100%. Time to grow. But then...

You see each other, Cece and Schmidt. You know, Cece appears. Schmidt turns to walk the other way. And Schmidt bumps into a group of kids. And rightfully so, they beat him up because he was very mean to the trick-or-treaters. Well, he was mean to the trick-or-treaters at the door. And kids are like owls. They never forget. You know what I'm saying? That's a very famous saying.

Kids are like owls. They never forget. That's the most Winston thing you've ever said in your life. Print that up. Put it on a t-shirt. Put that on a t-shirt? Just an owl. Kids are like owls. They never forget.

The Truman Show is about the Civil War moving along. I know things. I have facts. Okay, so the kids start beating him up with their bags of candy. Now, in the bathroom, Jess is apologizing to Cece about Schmidt. Cece says, it's fine. She's been running away and actually seeing Schmidt was some much needed closure. Yeah.

Is that... I could understand that. I could understand, like, you know, you haven't seen a person a little bit and then you see them and then, you know, okay, now we're good, you know? Yeah, now we just got to, like, deal with the feeling as opposed to running away from the feeling. And then I remember Zoe and I shooting this Batmobile, Batmanmobile scene because...

I don't know. It was one of like the longest, it was like a family guy style way that we shot it where we just kept going. Like they made us do it nonstop.

And then we would break and start laughing because we're like, how many more times, you guys? How long is this actually going to... There's a lot of story in this episode. Yes. How long are you going to do it? And it was so funny to watch us. I remember in the moment, figure out how do we sell the bit? Because obviously, Jess has to make it feel like to her that she's saying...

what I'm saying, which is kind of like with a little kid. If you've ever said to a little kid, like try to correct their pronunciation on something and then you say it for them correctly and then they say it slower, but the exact same way. And then you try to say it like how they're saying it and they can clearly identify that you're saying it wrong. That's what it felt like. You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of when folks say, I'm going to go hit the ATM machine.

Mm-hmm. When it's just ATM. Oh. Because you're going to hit the ATM. Because the M in ATM is machine. Automatic teller machine. Machine. I can see you reaching for the A and the T right there. I can see it in your eyes. No, I know what it is. Do you? Yes, that's why I brought it up. I know you mean the M. I'm asking you, do you know the A and the T? The machine machine.

The automatic time machine is- You do realize that I am the face of a bank, correct? Stop bringing it up. It's a Canadian bank and it still hurts my feelings that they chose you. So you are aware that I would know. Any financial questions, you can come to me. They don't sit there and give you like a bank lingo course beforehand. No, but I have to know these things. I will say when I was in Canada, every other ad was you. Like, did you shoot one where you're like almost like sitting in a jungle and there was like a bird or something? Yes. Yes.

I was like, what? This is a great ad. I gotta say, you got a great ad. It's also, I would like to say, ATM, if that's your pet peeve of the ATM machine, because that's ridiculous, is chai tea latte. Because chai is just the Hindi word for tea. Doesn't mean like, it's just tea. So a tea tea. A tea tea latte. Latte. It's just a chai latte. Let me get one of them titty lattes. Don't say that fast. Don't say that fast at all.

He kicked out of Starbucks. Oh, 100%. Now they're sitting back on the curb. Schmidt asked Nick if it was him, not Keaton, who helped with his first breakup with Elizabeth. And he also told him that women aren't attracted to men who wear maternity pants. I will say it is a real good holiday hack. You heard it here first, people. A really good holiday hack.

um to wear like maternity leggings at thanksgiving and christmas dinner it's like it's just like there's a there's like a little pouch just like built in as your stomach expands oh i guess i could see that i guess i understand that yeah um me i just don't eat that much you know i'm saying

Oh, wow. I mean, that's that's that's Olympic level style of resistance and delicious food. I love the fact that they actually ran into Michael Keaton at one point and then he winked at him and Nick said, how's the weirdest day of his life? Yeah. But anyway, they're friends. They're all good. The next day, while Schmidt and Nick are cleaning the apartment, Schmidt tells Nick that he's entering a new chapter in his life and that he thinks it's best that he do it alone. Dun, dun, dun. He's moving out.

crazy Winston crazy move in the series by the way to do that oh yeah yeah 100 big swing and it was funny is that when Winston walks up he tells them this this happened to me before um he walks in and lets them know that people are in his room having sex and the reason why he thinks that is because they're still in there having sex that happened to me once I had a birthday party at my house

I thought everybody had gone. - Your old house? - My first home that I ever bought. And I had a birthday party. It was the first time of me throwing a party. And I thought everybody had left. I went to my room and blacked out, just went to sleep. And I had my friends telling, I locked my door and was like, "I need to go to sleep." And I'd fallen asleep for like three hours.

So I wake up, I go use the bathroom and I just hear somebody in my house. And I'm like, holy shit, who's in my house? I walk around downstairs. There's no one in my house. I slowly get upstairs. I open my door to my theater room that I'd built in there. And straight up, people were in there doing it. I had no idea who the fuck they were. Oh my God. Hannah, what I tell you, I was like- What did you do? Did you go like-

no yeah i was like hey hey i'm i don't know you guys i when i say i've never seen them i was i i was like were they at the party i it wasn't a big house i was like what is happening right here wait were they like were they like did they really think like were they like both fully naked or they were just like it was like you know just like a break in the clothes and they were just making it happen a little quick moment hannah there were four butt naked people in there

You walked into an orgy in your house? Yes. And I was like, whoa, what the? Oh my God. Is that why you sold the house? You're like, I'm never watching a movie in here again. Oh my gosh. I mean, that was one of the reasons. It was such a, it was, it was because this part of, part of my mind was, did they just walk in off the street when I was blacked out? Did someone forget to lock my door? Have they, were they up there this whole time? Like a million thoughts. And I went, okay, I can't be, I can't do that. I, I, I have to,

kick everybody out of the party before I go to bed. You know what I mean? There is no lingering people. Well, the fact that you would have to be at a point where you're doing like, you know what I mean? Like checking behind shower curtains, like looking in hallway closets when you end a party, that's crazy. That's crazy. That you need someone at the door with a guest list and you need to make sure that they're crossing them off as they walk out too. Oh my gosh. Y'all are gone. I had to let them know, y'all gotta go. Y'all gots to go. And I called, who did I call? I think I called

I think I called my boy Ramses or something. I forget who it was. And I was like, you're just going to let people walk up at my... I love that you were so mad you needed somewhere to put it. So you call your best friend to just take the heat for a second. You're like, I need to yell at somebody. Someone needs to be responsible for this. I forget who I called, but I just remember it being like, this ain't my fault. I told everybody I was going to bed. Somebody's supposed to be looking out for me. I have to get mad at somebody right now. Someone's responsible and it can't be me. Yeah, it could have been anybody up in there. Or...

You know, baby oil everywhere. No, no. We just figured out who it was. Oh, my God. He had a remote freak off. Anyway, we can cut that part. Anyway, we realized that Schmidt's moving out. Yeah, he grabbed the douchebag jar. Bids them adieu. Bye bye. And as he's walking, they're giving him looks like.

Like, this is ridiculous, Schmidt. He turns around and then he keeps walking. He realized that he's just moving right across the hall to apartment 4C, a.k.a. the Batcave. Oh, wait, can I just say something? I just fans help me out on this one because this wasn't that Beverly's apartment. Remember? And then Beverly is dead. They found her dead. Yeah. I don't think they found her on the toilet. So is that like just multiple people have just died or did Beverly die on the toilet and then like fall forward?

Yeah, but when they, well, they wouldn't, you're talking about the Justin Long episode. But wasn't she just on the floor? That's what I'm saying. In the bathroom? Yeah. So is it a different dead person? No, Hannah, when you die on a toilet, you fall off the toilet. Why? What if rigor mortis hits you and your butt sinks into it a little bit and you're just there and your head drops? You could die and like not...

Hannah, what in the small booty are you talking about? Nobody's butt is sinking through the toilet. But you know you can fall in like that and then you get stuck. That'd be terrible. Wet butt death? Miss Beverly had cakes, okay? She had them hams.

She had them yams. Thanksgiving hams. She fell off that toilet. All right, so she was up. So maybe it was Beverly. We just solved it. Booty cheek murder mysteries. That'll be our next podcast. Oh my gosh. Okay, we're going to go to break. What are we doing? Look, when we come back, I will say this. I have some piping hot tea about this episode. And I don't know if anybody knows it.

Oh, we'll be right back.

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All right. So here's the piping hot tea. I remembered as soon as I knew we were doing this episode, because I remember all the chatter around this episode, Michael Keaton was supposed to appear in this episode.

Mm hmm. Do you remember that? I do remember that. The real Michael Keaton right at the end, it was going to be, I think, in the tag or the last bit of Act three was he was just going to walk by and they were going to have a moment.

And that was really going to happen. And then I feel like they really held out for him. They held out from even shooting all week. And then they just couldn't make it happen. And I don't remember the reason why. I don't know if he was out of town or if nobody got back to them about it. Like, I don't know if it was lack of interest or scheduling or whatever it was. He was just like, no.

Or if it was just like a no and they were just like kept pushing and trying to different angles and relationships. I don't know. But I do remember that that that was kind of like this hope to make this magical moment happen for Schmidt, that the real Michael Keaton was going to be in this episode. And then it didn't happen. Michael Keaton. Michael Keaton. Let me say something to Michael really quick. Michael, one award winner to another. Yeah.

What's the deal, man? Let us let let us know. Help us understand why you weren't available that day. I mean, I'm sure you're busy. I mean, obviously, you're one of the greatest of all time.

And schedules get crazy. But I want to know, do you remember this at all? Have you seen the episode? Did you feel bad about not showing up? Just you and I. Should we send this in an email to KeatonPotatoes at AOL.com? Should we write this out? We're going to email you. We're going to email you, Michael Keaton. We're going to figure this out. We have your email.

We're very connected to reality. Let's mess around for a second. Babe. Yeah, babe. Best and worst Halloween costumes you've had in the past. Go. This story is going to annoy you. Okay. So. I was in blackface. Yeah.

No, it's worse because this is just going to bore you and annoy you. I remember, so when I moved back to Canada and I was 17 years old, there was a vintage store in Vancouver called Value Vintage. And I went there. It was going to be like my first Halloween party to go to when, I might even have been in high school. Might have been the year I moved back. So I was at Semi Amo Secondary in White Rock and I needed a Halloween costume.

And so I went to Value Vintage and I was like, I don't know. I'm not creative that way. Or I'm not going to just like piece together something or like make a costume. Like that's not me.

And there was, you know, it's like a vintage store that was in almost like a warehouse. So you had, you know, thousands of pieces of clothing. Also, like, not for me. I'm not like a sifter. And I was standing there getting overwhelmed. My friend, who is the polar opposite of me, was like in heaven building a costume out of all of these found vintage things. And not a Halloween store, right? Just like a vintage clothing store. And I then looked up.

And there was a dress that was hanging on a hanger in like the rafters. And so I asked the person who worked there, I was like, what's that dress? And she said, oh, it's been here for like as long as we've had this vintage store.

And so they went and they got like one of those like hook things and like got it down. And there's no zip on it, no buttons, no nothing. It's like a silk long black dress. And on the waistband is hand embroidered Dorothy. And I guess back in the day, ladies of the night, for men that couldn't remember their names for the hour they have purchased.

They would do that like in the 20s, 30s, whatever. They would do that. They would embroider it on their waistband. And I went and tried this. I assume she's no longer here, Dorothy. You shot on a dead hookers? Correct. And again, it just had to either fit perfectly because it's like there's no zipper buttons or anything or not.

beautiful dress. And so I put this little silk kind of dress on and it fit me perfect. And so that became my, what do you call it? Like get out of jail free card, Halloween costume. Every single year I brought Dorothy back and all my friends would know it. And it was like Dorothy and

is back for Halloween. And so that's, I've had the same costume for a million years, which by the way, as a woman is always a real test to go like, am I going to fit in this Dorothy dress again this year? Because if I don't, I might cry. We'll put a picture up of it so you guys can see this Dorothy dress. But I, when I was a Much Music BJ, I wore it every year, like on air for Halloween. Do you still have it? I do. You have a dead Woman of the Night's

like dress i kind of dig her the energy of that dress is pretty cool what if she died in that on the job never thought of that don't ruin dorothy for me moving along what is your best or worst halloween costume best or worst um i had a few bad ones but i would say best so i was in whiteface

Fun fact. No. I did. I did one year. Me and my buddy, shout out to Cisco Reyes. I don't know what we were thinking. We were like, it was last minute. Not Cisco. Cisco. No, Cisco Reyes. What a wild song that was, by the way. Yeah, let me see your underwear. Cisco, relax. And he's not even just asking. He's like singing. Baby! Like this.

your panties your panties your panties like that's crazy it's a crazy song and people were like singing it yeah there's a huge head down to it like yeah show me your panties that's all right okay so different cisco and and we were like oh let's just go we had suits and we were like let's just go as accountants and so i went as steve from accounting

and I forget his name, but he went as like Bill from accounting. So we were two accountants who worked together and we straight up went whiteface. Was it a mistake? - You have a picture? Does that exist? - I probably have a photo somewhere. I probably took it down. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. That was a troublesome, back then, you know. - Back in the day, last year. - Back then people weren't tripping about whiteface. You know what I'm saying?

back then you could do white face and it'd be okay chapelle did it a lot of these folks did it eddie murphy but you know when i did it for some reason it felt strange one because my makeup artist aka myself was not very good fired them immediately i just looked i just looked sickly i looked it looked so people were like what are you like what is on your face

I'm Steve from accounting, you know? Um, but that was a very, very shitty costume. Yeah. That's not a great one. No, it wasn't a great one. Um, we already talked about what the, who, who the Keaton would be, you know, who would you have? I had to actually have somebody to write me like life advice and to like, be my celebrity, like email pen pal. It's a, it's,

It's something that's like not possible because it would be Loretta Cher's character from Moonstruck. Oh. Do you know what I'm saying? Or like just Cher. Wouldn't say no to that either. Just Cher. Yeah, that'd be pretty damn cool. I would say. I love her. Dolly Parton would be a good one too. Oh, yeah. Oh, honey. Sometimes you got to just poke them out. I would say, that's my Dolly Parton person.

It's as good as the Steve costume. I got a million of them. I got a million of them, folks. I would say Eddie Murphy. I would just, you know, because he's been through a lot and, you know, he's seen it all. I'm like, Eddie, guide me. Guide me. The king. He's the king. So I'd want Eddie to guide me. You know, him or Martin Luther King. Oh, I like this question. Ever had a nasty... I just heard what you just said. Ever had a nasty roommate breakup? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, me too. I've had some I've had some aggressive ones. I had one where I remember him and our buddies now. But I mean, we don't see each other ever. But like when we do, it's all love. I think we like comment on each other's Instagrams, stuff like that. This is years ago. And we were living together. And well, he was living with me. He was, you know, crashing with me for a little bit.

And I remember I was at home watching, I was at home watching a movie and he came home and he was just, as I'm trying to watch this movie, like my living room is dark. He sits on the, on the couch next on the other couch. And he starts checking footage from his camera because he was off like working or something, but he doesn't have headphones on. He's just playing it loudly through the camera. Like, and I first I'm like, Oh, maybe he's checking one or two things.

Yeah. So then I so then I pause the movie and he just keeps looking. So then I play the movie again to see if he gets the hint. Yeah. And he doesn't get the hint. And so I so I say, hey, bro, I'm trying to watch this movie. And he goes, OK, cool, cool, cool. And keeps playing it. So I take his little headphones and I toss it to him and he goes, OK.

He like gets pissed. He's like, did you just throw headphones at me? And I was like, what? I'm like, no, I'm giving you the headphones so you can put them on. You're being rude. And you just interrupt my movie so you can like do what you want to do. And it turned into like a little bit of a contentious situation. Two days later, I'm on the phone with my mom and I'm having a conversation with my mom. He comes home and he starts and he's pissed about something and he's going off. Like, oh, he's on the phone with someone and he's like cursing someone out.

on the phone loudly and I'm on the phone with my mom I'm like bro bro I'm on the phone with my mom and he's like what and I said what you mean what I'm on the phone I said mom let me call you back and I hung the phone up and I at that point I was so frustrated with him I said bro I said you can't watch your tone while I'm sitting on the phone with my mother like you come in here as if this is your place this is not your place this is my place I'm allowing you to stay here and then and then he and then he was like bro get the fuck out of my face it turned into a whole thing

And I just, I don't know what it was. I was young. I was 25. And I just grabbed him by his shirt. Oh. And threw him up against the wall. And I was like, you got 10 minutes to get all your shit and get the hell out of my place. Right. And that was it. That was literally it. I lost it. And then my mom called me back. She was like, who do you have living with you? So you need to make better choices. Yeah. I was like, I don't know, mama. I'm sorry. I didn't realize he was in a mood today. Like he was, you know.

So, you know, for someone who's not paying rent. Yeah, exactly. You're not paying rent also. Like, hello, you're welcome. Yeah. Be spatially aware. Rude. Rude. I remember I moved to London and I got a flat and I was sharing it with another girl that got a job at the same place that I was getting. So we were strangers, but we were like, oh, we're both moving to London together. And I went ahead and I got the flat and...

Which was not easy. We had a limited budget. So it took some, my mom flew in to help, you know, find it for this girl and for myself. Then she, so she got to just show up and like move into like this, like great little spot. Right. And she had a friend and I think she just decided she would like to have this guy move in.

And instead of me living there, I don't know what her thing was, but I will never forget. It was like a couple months into living together. We did not really like, we're not endeared to each other. Let's just say that we're fine. There's no issue as far as I knew, no issue. And the landlord calls me and he's like, your roommate just called and gave your notice. So I guess you're moving out.

And someone else is moving in and is going to go on the lease. But he's like, I just thought it was strange because I talk to my landlord all the time. And he's like, and you never mentioned that you were moving out. And I said, what? I'm not moving out whatsoever. So I came home and I was like, hello, did you call?

and give my two-week notice to move out? And this girl was so crazy, she had told her friend to give his notice, which he did.

So her, and she went berserk saying like, it was my fault that her friend now was going to be out on the street, had nowhere to live. And she started throwing pots and pans and screaming at me. How dare you? Where's he going to go? You need to get out. By the way, it's my, like mine was the main name on this lease. Yeah. And I remember being like, oh, like you're just like a lunatic.

But the pots and pans, which is not like normal girl behavior. You know what I mean? I was just like, there was like things from the kitchen flying. And I was like, okay, I'm out. And I went and crashed at my friend's place for like four or five days to let it cool down. But then I was like, um...

this situation has to end. Like whatever this is, it's like, you're violent. This has got to go, which is also seems like what happened in your story where it was just like, as soon as hands are being laid, we should not cohabitate. Oh, 100%. Oh, but part I left out about that was that the reason why I grabbed him and threw him up against the wall is because he got nose to nose to my face and like tapped me. And that's when I was like, Oh, you got tapped in. You're like, okay, I guess this is it. You started.

You Eskimo kissed me into this fight. Let's go. Okay. Well, Hannah, love you. Great episode. Great episode. Folks, thank you for listening. Be sure to make sure you follow us on IG at The Mess Around Pod. Next week, next week, we will be back with one of my favorite episodes. It's the return of Coach

That was The Mess Around. This has been an iHeartMedia production. Our executive producer is Joelle Monique. Our engineer and editor is Mia Taylor. Additional production from Daniel Goodman, Wendy Heisler, and Kyle Chevron. Our theme song was written and composed by Ronald Jukebox Jackson. So we're going to catch you next time.

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I have a way to make your morning more efficient. You can get caught up on the news in about seven minutes. That is my promise to you as the host of The 7 podcast from The Washington Post. And in that time, I will run down seven stories, everything from the most important headlines to fascinating new information you might miss otherwise. My name's Hannah Jewell. Go follow The 7 right now, wherever you're listening, and we will get you caught up.