202: Katie
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more you save. Do not delay, dear listener. Experience the fashion revolution that is snag and visit snag tights dot us today. Ring ring ring ring. May I please speak with Zoe? Oh, hello, Lamorne. Let's patch in Hannah. God, I forgot what it was like working with you guys. Hannah. Hannah.

Hey, just you and me. Is this what people talk about when they say Winston and Cece mess around? Yes, let's mess around. Let's talk about an episode that we're barely in, but is one of my absolute favorites. All of season two. No.

It's a mess around. Well, one of the storylines. I'll just say that. There is a storyline in here that is one of my favorites. But yes, let's jump right in. You and me.

Yes. This is very excited. Yes. They want to know in real life if we do the mess around and we do. And you about to see it in our real friendship. So we're doing episode 202, which is Katie. It has got three storylines. It's got the very funny old Nick time traveler storyline, which, by the way, the reason why that felt so funny to me, like,

specifically so funny is because it's something I feel like Jake Johnson would fully fall for. Like, I feel like there was a little, only a tiny bit of acting. Like he would, he would fall for this in real life. I feel like the second one is also something, um, I can relate to. And maybe I'll share that story about, um,

A little bit of mistaken identity. You've done that? But you might have also been kind of encouraging. Yes, I did. I was very young, okay? With the Katie storyline, which is also very funny. Also felt very Elizabeth Merriweather that she would go through with it if the guy was hot enough. And she wrote this episode. And then we have our third storyline, which is about Winston's family. And I just want to say this to our listeners. That storyline...

is very problematic. It was very problematic then. It hurt a lot of people then. And even in the rewatch, it hurts people now.

And it didn't deserve any air then. And on this podcast, we're not really going to give it any air now because it hurts to revisit it. So we are just going to put that to the side. Yeah, not my favorite storyline on this show by any stretch of the imagination. No, no. And you just have to watch it to get it. So we don't need to kind of dive into it. You watch it, you see it.

It sucks. Yeah. It's not great. We have great, here's the thing, great writers on our show. I think the best writers in the business. I think Liz Merriweather is one of the greatest of all time, in my opinion. But that episode, I thought it was like, that storyline in particular, I thought was like, bleh. Bleh. Yeah. So, yeah.

Yeah. So let's dive right in. Yeah, this episode written by Liz Mayweather, directed by Larry Charles. So also starring, we had some cool guest stars in this episode, which I was excited about, super excited about. Anna Maria Horsford, who played my mom. And I mean, I grew up watching this woman do her thing on television. She is iconic.

I know her from, I used to watch a show called Amen growing up and she was on that. So I mean, she's been on a bunch of stuff, but Amen was one of my favorite shows growing up and she was on that show. We got Josh Brayton, plays Andy, Kenya Hill, Raymond J. Berry, Josh Gad, obviously. And we had David Walton. Very unattractive. The most unattractive man in television history.

Was this the intro to his character on the show? I'm assuming so, right? Yeah, huge guest stars. And also guest stars that in this episode when they were introduced, people just fell in love with so instantly that they just kept bringing him back. Exactly. So let's dive right into this episode. Unemployment made Jess stir crazy. Cleaning, cooking, and weird felt art...

That was one of the weirdest things. Do you remember, wait, quick, I mean, don't mean to interrupt the recap, but I just have to say this really quickly, is that when we wrapped the series, they kind of said like, hey, you guys can all take one or two things that really meant something to you. And then as things got picked over, they're like, oh, still things here that are available. Yeah.

That felt art just sat there. Just like this ugly thing. I wonder who has that felt art. I wonder who has that. I think the trash does. Okay. Trash probably definitely has that. I'm not sure if you guys, if just, just if you guys don't know what we're talking about, the artwork that Jess gave the guys as a gift. And it's the photo that it's the, it's the photo that,

that I personally, my character looked like if you would have told a child to draw what they think a black person looks like, if they've never seen a black person before. That's what that, that's what that was. Uh, the guys go crazy when she gives it to him. Okay. So Schmidt, Winston, um, they elected Nick to get Jess under control. Now,

Nick takes her to a bar where old time travel Nick, he waits to stir up some trouble. Also at the bar are Sam, Bearclaw and Alan, three men who fall for Jess within minutes of meeting her. If you know Zoe, this happens to her all the time. Dudes are lining up to meet her and fall in love with her.

Now, Jess, she asks for Alan's number and Nick agrees, but she goes home with super hottie Sam, the guy who looks good. Anyway, while Sam is the greatest sex of her life.

you know, probably in that moment. Cause later on when they start dating, you know, which starts dating Nick, I'm assuming that's probably the greatest of her life. That's so sweet of you, by the way, right there. That was just you just being like a friend in that moment. Yeah. Being like, no, but the boy she marries, don't worry homie. Yeah. He puts you the best, you the best. Trust me. I know he puts it down. So,

So Jess, she quickly realizes lying and pretending to be Katie, Sam's date from an app, could blow up in her face. But she's living off the grid. So fuck caution. Jess decides she will be a juggler of fill in the blank. Hannah, what is she juggling? Man. Man.

Meanwhile, Schmidt, he develops a crush on Winston's WNBA playing sister, Alicia. Now this pisses off Winston's mom, obviously, but Schmidt refuses to take the hint and challenges Alicia to a love and basketball style game. Now he can beat her in a game of basketball. She has to go on a date with him. Now, Alicia says,

She shows up for one-on-one, but she checks the ball directly in Schmidt's face before walking off the court. That, my friends, is called justice. It was one of the best endings to an episode. It's so funny. It's one of the funniest things ever. Because for a second, you go like, okay, they're going to at least dribble. Something's going to happen. I'm going to see a shot. No. Yeah, nothing. Get out of here. Kabam.

Okay. Now back at the loft, Nick sends Bear Claude to Jess instead of Alan. That's a rookie move right there. So Jess, she flees to hook up with Sam at the bar. Now old Nick, he tells current Nick to apologize to Jess before traveling to the past via his time travel machine, aka his cardboard box. Now all the men interested in Jess end up in the bathroom together, which is a very, very weird thing.

There's no way out. There's no way out. You've been lying and you get caught and there's nowhere to hide anymore. It did not look okay. Now, all the dirty laundry is let out in the air. And miraculously, Sam, he isn't put off by these shenanigans because that's a dirty dude. And two, they start up a friends with benefits kind of situation. And that's what happened in this episode. 202, Katie. Katie. All right, let's mess around.

Let's mess around. Let's mess around. Let's mess around. Okay, because this is where I get so excited about this confusion with...

The Katie situation. So basically what's happening with Jess is she's lost her job and she doesn't know what to do with herself, which I think a lot of people struggle with, right? We're used to being busy all the time. Be busy, fill your day, do something, be productive. And then all of a sudden you get given me either, by the way, by the way, I'm like, I'm definitely more Nick than I am any other character on the show. I'm chilling. Yeah.

That's right. I'm okay with that. That's right. So she's chilling at the bar trying to do the thing. And the very handsome David Walton walks in playing Sam and mistakes her for a girl he's been chatting with online. This, by the way, is why you got to send photos. Yeah. Like, what are you doing? You got to send the pics. You got to send the pics.

send a pic because this, you got catfished in real life, which is pretty phenomenal. Which is strange, which happens all the time now because of all these filters and, you know, the Photoshop, you know what I mean? Like I was going on a date. I was supposed to go on a date with this Jamaican woman one time, you know, Korean woman showed up. I said, what? She said, but I identify online as a Jamaican woman named Cleo. I said, okay, all right.

If you were in the same situation, if you were sitting in a bar and the hottest woman showed up and was like, hey, Stephen, oh, my gosh, I've been waiting to meet you. This is amazing. Let's go. Would you be like, I guess I'm Stephen tonight? Well, here's what I would do. I would charm her with a couple of jokes right at the top. You know what I mean? I would I would do that. I would break the ice a little bit. Then once she's like into it, I would look around and I would go, I'd be honest with you.

Stephen stood you up. He stood you up. He's not here, but I'm here. Daddy's home. And then, yeah.

And I whispered that ever so gently right by the side of her face so she could feel the presence of me. And then maybe she wants to ditch this guy. You know what I'm saying? But I wouldn't lie about it. You wouldn't lie. There's no way. There's no way. Yeah, it'd be a little weird if you were kicking it later and she was just like, oh, Steven. And you'd be like, no, I can't do it. I gotta go. It'd be weird. I'm a jealous guy. I'd be like, who the hell is Steven? Oh, it's me. It's me. It's me. It's me. Never mind. Never mind. Keep going. Keep going. I'm at it.

I'm also a very vain guy. So when she came back to my house, she would see my name everywhere. Who's this Lamorne? I'd be like, oh, that's my servant. I don't know. He works for me. You know what's funny? When I first moved to L.A., I got invited. I didn't get invited. My friend was a makeup artist. She did makeup on a movie. And she brought me as a plus one to the director's house. She was having the wrap party at his house.

And I'd never been to anybody Famoose's house before. And I, Famoose. And I remember we walked in the front door and I kid you not, because they had a spiral staircase, like, and I don't know, like a hundred foot ceiling or something crazy. Because it went all the way up like the three floors. And there was a no joke, it must have been 30 foot tall portrait of him hanging in the entryway.

So he could definitely never catfish anybody because that's his house. You know it's his house. Name names. I can't name his name. I feel weird. He was so nice. Not Larry Charles. Not Larry Charles. But I was a big, I am a big fan of his work. But I remember being like, wow, I guess this is how famous people live. You get that portrait done and you slap it up and say, I bought this house. Yeah, I'm telling Michael Bay you said that. Yeah.

I'm telling Michael Bay you said that. Damn. All right, so she commits to it and goes down the line. It is Michael Bay. No, it's not Michael Bay. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. You changed the subject so quick, I thought it was Michael Bay. No, I just don't trust myself to not slip the name out. I can't keep it secret. Shout out to Christopher Nolan. But go ahead, sorry. No, so here, I... Well, my situation's worse because I kind of like...

trick someone the reason why this episode kind of triggered that memory in me is there nick says to jess um something like there will enjoy it now because there's no coming back from oh hey actually my name is jess like you will terrify a man if you hold on to that like you have to either own it in the moment like you're saying you would do right or you just got to be katie that that's it that's who you are now that's your life and i um

There was a radio DJ in Cyprus when I lived there.

And here's also the joke, because there was no internet. It's not like I could even Google what this guy looked like. But his voice was fine, okay? And it was a call-in show. But he had mentioned it, and I never called in. I was young. I was a teenager. And I never called in. A call-in show? Yeah, you'd play music, but then people could call in and be like, play this. I'm only questioning that because our listeners, some of them don't know what that is. Yeah.

So you're the radio DJ playing all the songs on the radio. And then you could call and be like, I want you to play Baby, Baby, Baby by TLC. Right. Okay. Right. Okay. And I never called in, but he mentioned at some point that he was single and that he loved everything French. So I called. I called in the Colin show the next day. And I was like, hello? Hello?

I was just wondering if you could play that song by a T.L. What? Uh-huh. And he was like, oh. So he put the song on but kept me on the line. But now I'm deep. Because at what point do you, now this super guy, you have this weird crush on on the radio, at what point do you go like, so I don't talk like this, I talk like this? Yeah.

now what do i do what do i do so here's the thing here was the problem because he says at some point um hey um uh he speaks to me in french i didn't know that i didn't know the man actually spoke french so he speaks to me in french and i shoot i don't know what they what he said and i go okay um i'm i'm actually uh uh

I'm trying to practice my English. So do you mind if I just speak in English just to help me?

And he went, I mean, I was 14 year old girls, man. You got to watch out. They're so smart. They're so fast. No, what are you talking about? Yeah. Watch out for the 14 year old girls. I'm just saying, man, you have a daughter. I'm just saying when she's a teenager, you better like, you know, triple check all the things that she says because she's going to be way smarter than you. Oh yeah, the doors are locked. She ain't going nowhere.

So there came a point in my situation with the radio DJ where, because he wanted to meet me, because he was calling, and I had to tell him, one, I'm not French, and two, my voice sounds like this. I'm really a man. My voice is actually quite deep for a woman, so I'm sure he was like, I don't believe anything about you. And I never heard from him again, you guys. So here's the thing. Duh!

So Lamorne's approach is right. Just own it in the moment. Um, because what happens in this episode is, is that Dr. Sam comes back at the end and is just like, I don't mind. It's cool. It's cool that you're not Katie. Um, I'm a bit of a liar too. Everything is cool. I just want to say, I tried it out in real life, the Katie situation, and it did not work. The man was scared and he was gone. Um,

He probably also was like 25, to be honest with you. Who knows? I didn't see a picture of Noah's age and I was 14 and he was probably like, what is happening? Yeah, you're trying to set this man up for five to 10 in prison. What are you talking about? You're trying to put this man on the registry. This was pre-Google, man. We were copying.

This could be 1922. Cut to you're getting a knock on your door by this man who has to now go door to door in the neighborhood and let everybody know he's a predator. He is an offender because of what you have done to this man.

That's why there's no more call-in shows. This became an urban legend of that little French girl who is no longer French. Oh, can I just say one of the other, the other thing in this episode, by the way, that my favorite thing that happens when we watch this show is when I can see somebody break and they have to use the take because they obviously broke in every single take. And there is the two shot of Zoe and Max, um,

when Jake is leaping. Oh, yes. And you can tell that Jake is going to overcommit to the bit, so it's funny, right? But he doesn't want to do it. And then he does the weird overbite thing.

To really get some leverage to jump in the air. And they just got to Max. And it's definitely not Schmidt. It's just Max. It's Max. Laughing his ass off because he knows how uncomfortable Jake is. And then when Jake sits down and goes, that's enough. I'm done. That's also Jake, not Nick. Yes. I'll be curious to go back and look at the pages to see if Jake actually does...

that dance in the script because Max was notorious for egging you on to go and go the extra bit. Like he would, I'm almost positive Max was whispering to Jake, like do it, do the dance. Well, he says it in the scene. And I was, I was like, was that scripted or not? Because he goes like, let's see it. Let's see you do it. Let's see you leap. And you can see him go like,

Oh, yeah. I think if you push Jake enough, he will do the bit. But then there are moments where he's just not he's like, no, I'm not doing it. But if it's funny, if it's funny, he will he will definitely go for it. And that dance is very memeable, memeable thing. Like I see that I see that dance all over the place. Memeable moments. I'm surprised that's not like a TikTok dance now, like the recreation dance.

Yeah. The recreation? The recreation. The recreation of the Jake or the Nick Miller leaping dance. If you recreate that dance, please tag me. I want to split screen. I want to see him do it and you do it. I bet you guys will just slay it. Oh, absolutely. And we will be right back. Yes. Yes.

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Visit Safeway.com for more details. Okay, the other thing I want to talk about too in this episode that I was like, had me in tears was just describing what great sex is. She left her body, went to heaven. She saw her grandparent. She thought it was weird. She saw her grandparent. She came back to earth, became a werewolf, scared some teenagers, and then came back into her body again.

I was like, that's a lot. You know what's funny about that? You know what's funny about that? Not only is it funny, it's funny her delivery was really funny. And even the writing of those jokes were really, really funny. But they were so accurate to what women tell me after we lay together. It's crazy because I'm always just like, you know, that was cool. You know, where's my money? But then they...

And then you say, could you read the words on this flashcard to me? It just makes me feel good. It makes me feel so much better about my performance, which is less than stellar. Just putting that out there. No, but that right there. You know, another part of this episode that I've also found very funny, we're going off talking about listing things, was when, and I know we're jumping around a little bit, but

The hypothetical time travel when Schmidt has a list of the people that he wants to do things to. And, you know, it's a typical Schmidt list. It's Marie Antoinette, it's Cleopatra, young Ann-Margaret, old Ann-Margaret. If you had an opportunity to go back in time... Ooh.

And there was one or two people that you could, or a list, your Mount Rushmore, people that you're like, that's someone I would have loved to have. I know you can't say that now because you're married and it's...

It's not even that. I just, I can't, there's my brain and body don't work that way. There's nobody even now walking down the street where I'm like, I want to, that's just not how I work. That's, I need to know you for like 30 years. And I, I need to be Hadley. Have you seen Hulk Hogan walking down the street? Yeah, we'll see Hulk Hogan walking down the street. Damn, Hannah, you ain't living.

Look, I could give you a list of billion people long of all the people that I wouldn't let even be in the same room with me. Like, I know what I don't like. No, I don't have a list of historical people that I would want to sleep with. I would have a list of historical people that I'd want to like, you know,

like a binge like Netflix for like three days with that's what I know that to me is intimacy do you want to sit on my couch and eat popcorn and make some bed Neil deGrasse Tyson just pull up a piece of this sofa get cozy mosey and let's watch some TV together let's get close I mean I love

That's on brand for me. You got to say that's on brand for me. That is on brand for you. A nice bottle of wine. Your idea of a good evening is polishing off a bottle of wine. Yes. Let's order some pizza. Let's make bad decisions in the culinary world. Come on now. Well, I got my list. I just popped up in my head just now. Okay. Just now.

All the ladies from the movie set it off. All of them. All of them. All of them. That's just my fantasy right there. Queen Latifah got to have her cornrows too. That's got to be it. You know what? The queen's on my list too though. On my pull up a piece of the couch and let's like watch some TV. Queen's on my list too. Oh yeah. She on my list and on my bed. No, I'm kidding. Okay.

Just, you know, that's it right there. The cast has set it off. And then maybe Pam Grier. We throw Pam Grier in there. Ooh. You know. Pam Grier, old Pam Grier and new Pam Grier. You basically have a very schmitty list. 100%. I know we're not going to talk about this storyline. I don't want to talk about this storyline. But there is, I do want to talk about just Anna Maria Horsford, iconic, legendary. She plays my mom on the show. That is.

She is so exciting to me. I grew up watching this woman, so I was just honored to have her play my mom in Kenya Hill, model extraordinaire, actor extraordinaire. She plays my sister on the show. And I'm just very, very grateful that they were on the show. There's an interesting question that Joelle posed in our notes here, which was, Winston...

Listen, Alicia, are they Reggie and Cheryl Miller? Now, for those who aren't familiar, Reggie Miller, NBA legend, his sister, Cheryl Miller, iconic basketball legend. Some would say even better than Reggie. You know, so she's an Olympian. She's a world class athlete.

I would probably say it's, I don't think it's based on that, but I, but I, but it's so much, it's right there. It's right there on the nose because she's just flat out better than him. Like she's, you know, typically you would say, oh, that's a, it's a, he's a, he's a guy. She's a girl. He's got to be better. No, not in this dynamic, not in Reggie and Cheryl's case and not in Winston and Alicia's case. Winston is a failed basketball player.

This woman is a pro. This woman is a straight up pro. So to answer that question, Joelle, I would say it's close. It's very much so close. If we had a writer from Indiana, then maybe. Yeah, then maybe I would see. It's in the wheelhouse. I'm in one scene of this episode, in one scene coaching Jess on how to sext.

And I will say this. That is in my real life, not sexed, but text. That is my real life best friend superpower is with you. I've just met a boy and you like him too much. There's a girl just seen a man across the room and now you're about to lose your whole man to like mind and plan a wedding and you're getting crazy. I will say give me your phone.

Just give me your phone. I will. I will take the nutso out of you that you're about to text this man. Walk me through this. Walk me through this, Hannah. You know what the key is? Say less. Just say less, which is what Cece tries to tell Jess in it. Say less.

Don't send two texts, three texts, four texts back to back. Send one. Wait. Put your phone in a drawer. Walk away. If he doesn't text you back till tomorrow, it's OK. That's not a reflection of you or your worth or all the things. Don't send him 90 texts. Don't worry. I promise you he was not in a car accident, but something may else have happened to him where he just didn't get back to till tomorrow.

He's not a trash human for not texting you back. Just calm down. But let's be clear, though. I just want the listeners out there. I don't want them to misconstrue anything that you're saying. You're saying if that if you are having a text exchange, just say less. But what I think she means is unless you're sending messages.

photos of yourself. Send more of those, but less... So you guys can go back and forth with those photos. Just don't send too many words. Is that what you're saying? Don't even. No. My advice to every woman is don't send any of those photos. Don't send...

That man wants to see it. Let him come in person. Let him come in person. And when you're ready, you can show him all your beautiful body in person when you're ready. But don't send that man a picture. You're right. You're right. I agree. I was just trying to get what I was just trying to let them. I didn't know what you had met. So, yeah. Hey, listen, don't send those photos. Videos are OK, but photos is what you're saying. I love your advice. And I think the listeners out there will really take this to heart.

You are being, by the way, the Jess of this conversation of what happens in that scene where she's like, I want you to touch my meat bar or whatever. That's what happens. That's one of the funniest deliveries of lines is when Josh Gad is like,

And I can't wait to see your meat bar. I was on the floor. I was like, Josh, when he does the bear claw retract, contract. Oh, we've all been there. We've all been there. His little back tattoo. Yeah. I have a tramp stamp. And when I show people, it's over the years, it has become faded and distorted. And I don't want to get it touched up. Do you have any tattoos, by the way? I have a tramp stamp.

You do not have a tramp stamp. You falling on a Sharpie this morning does not qualify as a tramp stamp. It's a bull. I have a Brahma bull on my back. No, no tattoos. Do you have any tattoos? Zero. Man, I don't know what it is. I just don't, I don't think I...

I don't think I want anything permanently on my body. That's my problem. Look, I love tattoos. I'm just too wishy-washy. I would go into a tattoo parlor and walk around and look at all the photos. I'd get down to like three and I would go back and forth around the three and then it's way too permanent. And then I'd walk out. I mean, I've been to a million tattoo parlors and it kind of went like that.

I have friends who are tattoo artists that are always like, when you're ready, it's on the house. And I'm always like, ah, I'll see you next week. That turns into 10 years ago. You know what I realized? I don't think anyone on our cast has a tattoo. Some of Max's moles are tattoos. He put them on for character development. He's like, just tattoo them on. 100%. And Jake's chest hair, a lot of that's tattooed on.

A lot of that's tattooed on for sure. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. Also, by the way, so we just have to dive into it for a second because I think it's like one of the fun things about this episode of who is everybody really? And the old Nick thing, right? Because at the end he goes into a cardboard box and puts on a tinfoil hat and goes, beep, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, right? Right.

But he says so many things. Like, is he just like an observant guy who just like has been sitting at the bar and realizes he heard like overheard Nick say something about writing or overheard Nick call someone a clown or can just see that that girl likes him and he can tell that Nick's kind of dumb and is going to do something dumb. So he's saying things that sound smart and he really is a crazy man. Or is he from the future? And then that's the big distract at the end.

Yeah. I'm going to go with the latter. I'm going to go, I'm going to go with he's from the future. I like that too. But maybe not from the future. I mean, it depends on how you look at the future. You know what I mean? I think this, I think there's some sort of interdimensional travel going on here. Different timelines. You know what I'm saying? That some of the information could be, you know, it could be encoded into this. He just knows. He's just from a different timeline. That's all. He's just intuitive. Maybe he's just really intuitive.

You know, sometimes you just know a person. I do. Yeah. You're in another timeline. That's all. That's all it is. And you're connecting. You're crossing paths. Sorry to go this deep. Welcome to our show, listeners. But, you know, we're going there this episode. We're going. I really wonder, though, like why it didn't come back. I feel like Tran, like that was kind of like in the same wheelhouse, right? Yeah.

It's like he's it's like a daddy issue with the Nick Miller character. Like he wants someone to guide him. He wants someone to say, look, you should say sorry. Hey, look, you know, you're going to make mistakes. 100 percent. I think that's what he's looking for. Like deep down, I think, because you see who he's really drawn to and what he wants to believe.

Or also people aren't that complicated when you really think about it. There are simple solutions to a lot of problems. I think sometimes we overcomplicate them. So when he's at the end, he's like, what should I do? He just says, make her an old fashioned. He could have said anything in that moment.

He could have said anything. Make her an old fashioned. He could have said, talk to her. He could have said, you'll know what to do. You know what I mean? It's just sometimes you just need to hear something or or just a suggestion. He just said, make an old fashioned and it happened to work. You know what? It's also a super sweet ending to this episode. And I and I, I really like like the tenderness of it because there's no like joke in that moment where she goes, what are you going to do to me?

And he looks at her and you see in his eyes, I couldn't do anything.

And so when she goes like, no, like really? And the worst thing that he could come up with that he would ever do, right, is he's going to get drunk and pee in her closet. And pee in her closet. That's right. Which is really sweet. Like it's one of those moments. It's these tiny little foundational blocks of like, well, he's not like saying like, I'm going to cheat on you. I'm going to, you know what I mean? Because that's what every girl is going like. What do you mean you're going to hurt me? What are you going to do that could hurt me? And it's like, oh, you're going to be just like a dumb boy. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, Hannah.

Cheat on me. Don't pee on my clothes. Cheat on me. Here's the thing. It gets dried up. You don't know they did it. You put your favorite jeans on. You walk outside and everybody's calling you piss pants because you just smell. You stink. You don't know who did it. You don't know who the culprit is.

Now you have this reputation going on and on. Oh, that's the man who smells like urine. And you don't know where it's coming from. And you go and you wash those pants and then you're going to put on a different pair of sweatpants the next day. Those smell like urine. Now you start questioning to yourself, do I piss myself? And I don't know. Do I dry piss? Because you would know if it was moist, but it's dried up. Do I dry piss? It's just vapor and steam at this point. Exactly. I'd rather you cheat on me and know, and I know. Then I know. Cheat on me, please. I'm not going to cheat on you.

I'm begging you to do it. Don't pee on my shit. There you go, ladies. If you're in a situation where you're just like, you're dating Lamorne and you're mad at him and you got to do something, cheat on him. But don't put any urine anywhere near his clothes. I'm not about the piss play. That's not for me. I don't think that that's where... I don't know. I like how I said this is like the sweetest part of the episode. The sweetest part of the episode is him saying, I'll just pee on your clothes. I don't know.

Imagine the most beautiful panoramic setting. Endless waves crashing on a beach, kids playing in the park. Now right smack in the middle of your perfect picture, imagine just one piece of litter. It doesn't fit, does it? And it simply doesn't belong anywhere, certainly not in California. Not even one piece. Good news, if we work together, we will change it all. Clean California. Zero litter is the goal. CleanCA.com

There's a lot of pros to drinking HealthAid Kombucha. No cons that I can think of. Pro, amazing taste. Pro, pairs well with anything. Pro, probiotic. That's a literal pro. And it's deliciously refreshing. It's the perfect pairing to your meal or great on its own, whether you're having Pink Lady Apple, Berry Lemonade, or one of the other great flavors. It's the perfect swap for soda or alcohol. Make it part of your daily routine. Look for the brown bottle with an anchor on it.

And try HealthAid Kombucha today. Get it in 30 minutes or less on GoPuff. Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts. Oh, I'm sick. So I took my sick to the doctor. The doctor gave my sick a prescription. Now my sick and I are in line at the pharmacy mingling with all the other sicks on its way to becoming an even worse sick.

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Also, I will say this in this episode, I think it's strange that we normalize and it happens in movies all the time. It happens in TV. It happens in movies often. And in this show, we did it. We normalize having sex in a public bathroom. But whenever I do it, the cops are called. Okay. Whenever I do it, I got some explaining to do. I got some bribes to, you know what I'm saying? I got to.

put a little dollar in the pocket. Hey, don't let, don't tell TMZ. You know what I'm saying? Here's the thing. If you heard a woman in the men's bathroom, would you just, would you assume that she's being harmed and kick in the stall door? No. I was like, what?

What a reaction from the claw. Yes. What a, I mean, and his, by the way, this is why Josh Gad is an incredible, like dramatic performer is the pain in that scene where he drops to his knees and screams, what is happening? And I loved you and you believe it so deeply.

Oh, like so deep. Oh, yeah. He's it's so funny. That came from somewhere. It came from somewhere. Came from somewhere. I could tell you if I've I've I've walked in on weird situations before in my past. And I know the feeling. Oh, it hurts. Oh, that would be my nightmare. My absolute nightmare.

Oh, yeah. That's 100% a nightmare. I may have had nightmares about this. I just saw a TikTok video of... It's a very cruel prank. I would never play it. But it's of a wife. When the husband... You're like, bye, honey. I love you. And he's gone off to work. You wait a minute and you send a text and be like, okay, he's gone. Come over. And then you watch the car...

reverse all the way back up and that man right up the stairs who coming over who's here yo I that that right one one it's a very good one that's a very good prank but it's also like it's very it's very um what do you call it it's uh

you're towing the line there because I know you get a real reaction right now well because here's the thing what if you let's say let's say I were a cheater and let's say I was married and I was a cheater and I and I was texting my my side you know my side bae hey come oh she's gone come over

And then my wife came back in. I would, that's what I would do. I would say, oh, I was just joking. Ha, it's a prank. You've been punked. That's what I would do. So can I tell you what I would do? What? Okay. If my husband texts like, she's gone, you can come over. This is why. This is what I'm telling you. That's a 14 year old girl that was like, hello. Okay. Let me tell you. I would,

go around the block, park it at the end of the block, out of sight of my house, in my car, and I'd sit there. Why are you whispering? And I would wait. And that's when, then I would know my husband probably sweating because he goes like, she didn't run back. So she's just sitting somewhere mad. Oh, yeah. I would block her. And I would probably sit there for hours because I'd be like, she's running late, but maybe she's coming.

But then joke's on you. Joke's on you. You got fired from your job. But now it's real because then the anger gets, oh my goodness. That's a dangerous game. You never know how someone's going to react. I'd be sitting there on the block being like, when this car, and then he probably ordering breakfast and that poor Postmates guy, he's going to get it. The Postmates delivery woman, I'll be like, oh, you brought coffee too? She's like, I just delivered. I just got to the door. Yeah.

No, yeah, that would be a terrible one. Terrible one. Okay, before we jump into True American, I just want to say one thing. When I heard the description of Jess describing great sex, which is one of the funniest things I've ever heard, it reminded me of watching Blackadder. Did you ever watch Blackadder? Blackaddam. I've seen Blackaddam.

throwing dwayne the rock johnson slightly different it was rowan atkinson's um uh incredible series and each season was a different era in history um and it's really funny and really weird and so it's old um but i will never forget there was a guy called um lord flashheart

And he's just this very like alpha guy that always has women and is the complete opposite of Rowan Atkinson's character. And he's always like comes in and he always has like a woman that he's just like, you know, kind of like grabbed on his hip. And he, I'll just never forget. I mean, I probably haven't watched the show in like 20 years, but I'll never forget. He goes, Lord Flashheart says, because he's a pilot, said, you got to treat your...

like you treat the plane. You got to get inside her seven times a day and take her to heaven and back. Woof. He woofs at the end. What? Inside her seven times a day and take her to heaven and back. Woof. And I was like, I don't know how old I was when I heard that, but I was just like, wait a minute. I was like...

This is happening to someone seven times a day? And they're trying to take you to heaven and back? And then they woof? I was like, this seems exhausting. Seven times a day. That used to be the number right there. I remember those days. Seven times lucky. Okay. Oh, where's the bear? Now it's time for Where's the Bear? Where's the Bear? Where's the Bear?

Where's the Bear is brought to you by Hyundai. When it comes to your journey, Hyundai is thinking of every mile. Yeah, I saw. Well, go ahead. I'm gonna let you do it. I don't even need to go outside.

Bear claw. Come on. That's pretty good. Silver platter. Not only do we have bear claw, we have the bear claw tattoo. Okay. So there's a bears everywhere. I think there's like a bear in Winston's room. Of course, it got the bear on the fridge, yada, yada, yada. But this, there's a whole character called bear claw. And then they showed the bear claw. Period. Done.

Thank you so much. Thanks for helping us with our bear hunt Hyundai. Remember with Hyundai, it's all about the journey. Whatever your destination, they've got the latest tech to get you there safe and keep your passengers entertained along the way. From shopping to buying to owning, Hyundai has your back. Learn more at HyundaiUSA.com. You know, sometimes when the truth is right in front of you, the answer is right there in front of your face. I didn't even realize that. Yeah.

That's why I'm the one on the bear hunt. That's true. I'm going to let you keep hunting bears. One bear is going to turn around and get you. That's what I'm hoping. Come get me. It's fine. You went to some dark shit. I know. I know. You want to put some true American? All right. True American. Folks, it's about that time. You want it. I want it. We all want it at the same time.

It's true American, folks. We are back. Yes, indeed. The regular listeners, they know what time it is. If you're just catching up, it's when we dig deep and we ask each other questions. It's that simple. Now, Hannah, I have a question for you. If I had a terrible day and came to you for a drink, what would you make for me? Okay. All right. So it depends.

It depends. If you are having a rough day, you want a non-alcoholic beverage, you want something new, delicious, filling, tantalizing on the taste buds, kind of comforting, I would make you a mango lussie. What the hell is that? It's like an Indian milkshake. So I would put fresh mangoes. Mm-hmm.

into my blender, I would put milk and I'd put a little like cardamom and blend it up super frothy. So delicious. So good for you. So yummy. Now, if you came over and you're like, no, I want like an adult beverage. Thank you so much. Here's what I would make for you. I would make my twist on a Tom Collins because I remember we were shooting New Girl and

I had a day off. I had a lot of days off on this episode. I had almost all the days off. And I was watching Chinatown. I'd never seen that movie before. And Faye Dunaway sitting in a bar. And I paused the and I was like, I know this bar. And it's the bar we shot at the Prince.

What? Yes. And I was like, oh, my gosh. I was like this like iconic movie, an incredible actor. I mean, that's the bar we all do dumb stuff in. That's so weird. And she says, I'll have a Tom Collins. So I pause it and I was like, what's that? So I Google it and I'm like, that actually sounds quite refreshing. What's in it? It's gin, tonic, lime and sugar.

Sugar Q. Yes, it's really refreshing, really delicious. So I was like, so I went for a little walk, went and bought all the stuff, came back, made a couple of Tom Collins and then continue watching the movie and is delicious. And it's still my favorite drink. I just don't put the sugar and I put in about three times the amount of lime to make it a little more tart than sweet.

Wow. That's what I would make for you. You would have options. That would, that's, that's more, I do love a gin drink. I'm a Negroni, Negroni guy. I definitely love a good Negroni. I would give you Hendrix and like fever tree and then fresh limes off. I have a tree that grows limes in my backyard. So that's, that's what you'd be getting like. All right, fancy. The business. That's fancy. I got to steal lemons from my neighbor's tree. You can steal from my tree anytime too. We got lemons here too.

Listen, I love your, I love, I love the Tom Collins. That's a very accurate one. That would make me feel better. If you want to see my bad day get worse, give me that mango smoothie. Because I'm lactose intolerant. And we can make it with coconut milk.

Well, it's too late. You already said milk. I should have asked if there was any restrictions in your diet. Fair play, fair play. Yeah, that'd be that. I would throw off. My whole pH balance would be off. It'd be so bad in my stomach. Now, if I were to make you a drink, if you already know, you just said it, one, you know, a Tom Collins with a bunch of lime, no sugar. That's right. But if you know Hannah,

Old school, Hannah. Hannah can out-drink anybody. That's true. And I'm not calling her an alcoholic, but... I have a tolerance in me that must be something that's just bizarrely genetic. Yeah. You drink like a Viking. Yeah, we all go to the bar and everybody's having some drinks. You're never going to see me like...

stumble or fall or get messy or whatever it just doesn't have like an impact on me I don't feel crazy she hops in her car she drives home it's always it's all okay I'm kidding everybody I do not do that Hannah usually so funny she drinks Hannah usually would drink and I didn't realize this like she would always say hey let's go grab a drink meeting with different people we hung out a few times but it was always like around the corner from where you live so you'd walk

That's right. I'd be like, oh, this is why she's suggesting to drink at El Carmen. I love El Carmen. Is that still there? On 3rd Street. Yeah, that's about the business. Little Door has a great bar next to it. El Carmen.

And then some, and then goal opened up and then that was on third street is live off of third. Yeah. It was a really fun neighborhood to live in. Great bartenders, like super sweet guys that a lot of them are still there. Yeah. Really, really nice. I live in that neighborhood now. Um, but, uh, I would, I would give you a nice bottle of red wine. I don't know what, I don't know what kind you drink, but here's the thing. This is the same thing. Like with your lactose, I don't dig red wine.

Really? Nope. Is it just white wine? I like a really dry white or like a rosé or anything with bubbles. I thought for some reason whenever, so all those times you would say to me, you'd come to work, Hannah would come to work and she would go, guys, I had the craziest night. Me and my man, Jesse, we just sat back. We put on a documentary. We was being bad.

And we cracked open a nice bottle of wine. We might have gone through a bottle and a half. I don't know how I'm standing right now. It was white wine? Yeah. Yeah. It's even, it's everything is, it's always the tamest version of everything you've envisioned because then you would share your evenings and I'm not going to repeat it. I won't do that to you. I love you too much. I'm not going to repeat it. And I was like, wow, Howard,

How are we so similar and so close as friends? And we, together, we're having the whole human experience of life because we are not crossing over in any of our choices once we leave the set. That's true. We're the spectrum, the full spectrum of living. 100%. 100%. It's good to know. That is good to know that it's just white wine with some ice cubes in it. And that's your idea of a red wine. I do put ice cubes in it. I can tell. I like the chili. I like the chili.

chili. I like a chili. You can put a little water down, a little chili. Sometimes I have it with a straw. Oh my gosh. I know. It's like a sippy cup. I'm just a big baby, you guys. That's it. Indeed you are. Indeed you are. Now it's time to open up Schmidt's Sexy Mailbag, a segment brought to you by Hulu, where I answer a fan question. My favorite thing to do. I love answering fan questions. Please keep sending them. I love it. So this week's question is

Hi, Hannah. In New Girl, you got to wear two wedding dresses, one with Chevrang and one with Schmidt. I was wondering if you had a favorite, and if so, what did you love most about that dress? Thanks. That's from Carrie P. in New Jersey.

They were such different experiences. The one with Shivrang, we actually went down to Artesia, which is basically Little India, and I got to look through all of these incredible Indian wedding dresses, and they were gorgeous. And try them on, and the jewelry, and it was such a completely different experience.

vibe, something I've never experienced before. It was really beautiful. I've actually never been to an Indian wedding. So we got to do a lot of fun research. And I really loved that dress. And it was wonderful. And of course, Taylor Swift then shows up while I'm in that dress. We'll never forget it. And then the other dress is

the one with Schmidt, we actually tried to have some nods. I remember to Indian culture and like, there's like a, I feel like a Paisley print in it if I'm correct. And that was really cool. We actually really worked on like designing it and making it feel super special because we knew that was going to be a huge moment on our show. Um, and so I love them both for very different reasons. Um,

Yeah, it was really fun. I never thought I would do a show where we would have two weddings for one character. This was, by the way, the most fun mess around we've had in a while. Yes, indeed. Yes, indeed it was. I enjoyed this mess around. I hope the fans out there enjoyed this mess around. If you did enjoy this mess around, please, even if you didn't, just like this episode. Hit that subscribe button.

Lie to us. It's fine. You can lie to us. 100%. Please tag us in any videos of you side by side doing the Jake Johnson slash Nick Miller leaping. Recreate it for us. Please. The world needs it. It's so funny.

The world needs it like the world needs our merch. So please make sure you go ahead and cop a mug. I was wearing the hoodie, by the way, walking down the street the other day. And I've never ever worn something like with my own face on it. I do it all the time. Like on my back, it's on my hoodie. And so many people liked it. They were just like, oh my gosh. And then I would turn around. They'd be like, oh, nice hoodie. And I'd turn around and it's me. I'm like, hi.

Listen, it's great material. It's the best material. It's the highest quality material. I don't think you'll find any other material out there that's better than this material. It's very cozy. I love it. And Queen Latifah, if you're listening, you're on both our lists. Yeah. I'm going to roll to the back. Love you, Lamar. Love you, Hannah.

You've been listening to Welcome to Our Show, a New Girl Recap podcast. Welcome to Our Show is a production of iHeartRadio, hosted by Zooey Deschanel, Lamorne Morris, and Hannah Simone. Our executive producer is Joelle Monique.

Our engineer and editor is Daniel Goodman. The Welcome to Our Show theme song was written by Zooey Deschanel, performed and produced by Zooey Deschanel and Pierre Derrida. Follow us on Instagram at Welcome to Our Show Pod. If you have a question you'd like us to answer, you can email us at Welcome to Our Show Podcast at gmail.com. Don't forget to rate, subscribe, and share far and wide. Thanks for listening. We'll hear you next week.

That's F.

Imagine just one piece of litter.

It doesn't fit, does it? And it simply doesn't belong anywhere. Certainly not in California. Not even one piece. Good news. If we work together, we will change it all. Clean California. Zero litter is the goal. CleanCA.com.

There's a lot of pros to drinking HealthAid Kombucha. No cons that I can think of. Pro, amazing taste. Pro, pairs well with anything. Pro, probiotic. That's a literal pro. And it's deliciously refreshing. It's the perfect pairing to your meal or great on its own, whether you're having Pink Lady Apple, Berry Lemonade, or one of the other great flavors. It's the perfect swap for soda or alcohol. Make it part of your daily routine. Look for the brown bottle with an anchor on it.

And try HealthAid Kombucha today. Get it in 30 minutes or less on GoPuff. Amazon Pharmacy presents Painful Thoughts. Oh, I'm sick. So I took my sick to the doctor. The doctor gave my sick a prescription. Now my sick and I are in line at the pharmacy, mingling with all the other sicks, on its way to becoming an even worse sick.

Next time, keep your sick at home and let Amazon Pharmacy deliver your meds right to your door. Amazon Pharmacy. Healthcare just got less painful.