My Husband Wants Sex Every Day but I’m Exhausted
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He wants sex every day, and I feel like there's a lack of emotional intimacy to go with it, but I feel like I need more. But I feel bad saying no, because I want to be, you know, a good wife. Yeah, you're trying really hard to protect him, and I appreciate that, but you're feeling used. What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're joining us.

Man, it is wild out in these streets. I'm so glad that you are taking the time to go for a walk, to vacuum your car, to go for a drive, or just to be hanging out and joining me. Sitting down, listening to as we learn about relationships and mental and emotional health, and more importantly, what can we do next to have better marriages, better lives, be better parents, be better brothers and sisters, whatever, citizens, whatever we got going on. We need some more

Oh, what's the next right move? What's the next right move? I'm so glad you're with us. That's what we do on the show. I sit with hurting people and we figure out what's the next move. And maybe not even hurting people, just people who are confused or stuck or just want to do what's right and...

When I get a, get an opinion from a podcaster. So give me a buzz. If you want to be on the show, one eight, four, four, six, nine, three 32 91, or go to John Deloney.com slash ask a S K. All right, let's go out to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Kate. Hey Kate, what's going on? Hi. Um, I'm so, I'm so excited to talk to you. I'm a big fan. Um, thanks for having me on the show. Of course. I'm a fan of you, Kate. What's up? Um,

Okay. Well, I'm calling in because my husband and I have been married for seven years, and I really think we have a great relationship. We're very close. We try to communicate a lot. We have three kids. My little one is in the background right now. She's 10 months old. I feel like, especially ever since the birth of our youngest, my husband's sex drive is totally mismatched. He wants...

sex every day and I feel like there's a lack of like emotional intimacy to go with it but I feel like I need more um so I'm struggling with that because I don't want to just you know not fill his cup but I'm trying to explain to him like hey I need more things like that aren't just physical to feel um like we're we're good in a relationship yeah totally

So can I tell you, you got three little ones? I do. So I don't know if this helps. I'm hoping this helps. In the nerd world, we call this social norming. But I want to tell you right out of the gate, you're not crazy and your marriage is not falling apart. Okay. I needed to hear that because some nights I'm just like, I overthink it. Yes. Well, some nights you're like, don't like...

right now, almost like in the... Your body is a wonderland, but right now, your body is a jungle gym, right? Yes, yes. That's putting it nicely. It's in production right now. So the thought of it being...

You know, like throughout the day and all that, just for my kids. Yeah. You got, you always have hands and feet and mouth. You got everything on you. You're being, you're in, in use right now. And so the, I thought that you would come, your husband would come home and you would feel in use again. It's just disgusting. Right. It's disturbing. Yes. But I feel bad saying no, cause I want to be, you know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, man, there's so many, so many tracks here. Um,

Do you work full-time too? Do you have a job?

I used to, but since I got pregnant with my little one, I've been home. Okay. Does he work? Tell me about his work. He does work. He works. He has a long commute to work. It's about an hour away. He works in a hospital situation. He's not a doctor, but he works on the HVAC maintenance kind of area. Okay. He works his way up to supervisor, and then his team is kind of small, stressed with people to cover, so he works longer hours just in the

in the last six months. He works like 10 to 12 hours a day. I know he works, you know, and he's tired, but I feel like it's more like, this is going to sound mean. I don't, I hope he never hears this conversation. I hope he does. Cause I think it's good, but go ahead. Go ahead. I feel like when he gets home, maybe his way of like, you know, decompressing from work and connecting with me, but also letting stress go is physical intimacy with me. Correct. But there's not much room.

for like, I'm not asking let's go on a date. Like that's not even possible right now, but just ways to connect with me that remind me that I'm not just, um, this body, you know what I mean? I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah. You're trying really hard to protect him. And I appreciate that. Um,

But you're feeling used. I am. And I feel like I try to talk to him about it without hurting his feelings, just saying, hey, I really need to just talk about stuff right now. I feel lonely. You know, I haven't talked to an adult in how many days because I have my kids home and now they're in school. But I feel like as many times as I've tried to be clear about how I'm feeling, I feel like

I don't see him trying. Yeah. It makes me sad. Yeah. Man, there's so much here. So I'm going to start. I'm just going to kind of talk in circles, okay? And let me know if I get off track. Okay. So number one, when you have kid number three,

I have found that to be as significant a change in talking with people. I only have two kids, so that's not something I've experienced, but it's as significant a change exponentially than having kid one. Even more so, you mean? Yes, much more so. I had one buddy say, once we went from man to man to zone, our marriage fell apart. Yeah, we're outnumbered. Yeah, there's never a second. Okay, so that's number one.

That means under number one, the marriage y'all have had for seven years does not exist anymore. It's over. Yeah. And the sooner y'all have a time together, when you call that out and you celebrate what was and then grieve what's not anymore and then decide, all right, we're outnumbered, but this whole thing doesn't work without you and me being okay. What does that look like in this new world?

Right. Often when, and this is not an excuse, this is just an ad, an is as an is as an is. Okay. Um, I'm guessing that you're hardworking, good. Let me ask you this. Are you sexually attracted to him? Yes. I think he's, you know, great looking. I, you're like, yes. Okay. All right. So, um, sometimes embedded in these conversations is I'm no longer attracted to him. So, okay. So, um,

You have a good looking guy that you're attracted to, that you want to be intimate with, that you desire to... It's within your world that you want to make your husband feel loved, right? Right. And he's busting his butt. He's working 12 hours a day, yada, yada. So let's say, let's just overall, let's categorize him as a good husband. Okay? Yeah. He's in the good husband camp and...

As the leader of a small group in HVAC inside of a hospital, he is regularly, he works in a failure factory. Yeah. Every minute of every day, he knows he is the lowest on the rung in a very hierarchical system. And then inside of his own team, he is squished between the guys who are doing the work, blaming the supervisor. Right. So he is the loneliest guy inside of a lonely system. He has nobody is what I'm guessing.

Right. He does not know how to say this sucks. He doesn't know how to say I miss the old days. He doesn't know how to do any of those things. And he is desperate to connect with the one person in the world that he feels safe with. And that's you. And he opens up his toolkit for connection. And there's one thing in there. Sex.

I don't know how to talk. I don't know how to walk. I don't know how to listen. There's kids everywhere. My house has exploded. My wife is sad sometimes and happy sometimes and super excited sometimes. And my wife's really, really lonely. I don't know how to do with any of that, but I know I can quiet the demons with sex. And that makes him like a lot of men who don't know any other way to connect other than physical intimacy period.

Okay. Does it make it right? I'm just saying it is. On the other side, how old are your kids again? Do you have a 10-month-old and? A 10-month-old, a five-year-old, and a almost seven-year-old. Oh, gosh. So you're getting kids up that don't want to be awake yet. You're driving. Oh, yeah. You're picking up. You're making lunches. Oh, yeah. All that. Okay. So you live in a failure factory.

You never quote unquote feel good enough. You never are quote unquote doing it all right. And when you are doing it right, you scroll on Instagram and someone's telling you doing it wrong. And your mom calls and goes, why are you doing this? Like there's always a thing and you are lonelier than all lonely get out. Right? Right. So we've got these two lonely people. We've got two people starving for oxygen.

And he knows how to get it this way and you know how to get it your way. So here's my non-romantic, non-Hollywood, not popular question. Okay. Okay. Have you sat down and told him the things that you've told me? I have in like a nice way. Okay. We got to be past that. He can't hear it. Okay. Okay. And so that's where I love the, the, here's what usually happens is,

I need connection. I need connection. Hey, I just need you to like sit on a talk with me. That's like saying, hey, you got to order at this restaurant in Italian. It's like, I don't know how to speak Italian. Like, I know how to, you know, that guy, here's what it is. You know, when a guy, and usually it's just some goofball American, and I don't want to be overly whatever, but it usually is. And somebody starts talking to them in another language, they just talk English really slow and really loud. Yes. That's him right now.

Okay. You're like, oh, I just want to connect. And he goes, let's have set, right? It's that's all I got. That's all I got. But on the other side, you are touched out. You're field out. You are missing your professional identity. You're trying to do this mom identity because you even asked for it, but it feels not as what you thought I was going to feel all those things. And you're saying, can we just talk? And he can't hear that either.

Yeah. Right. I'm laughing because I don't want to cry, basically, because I'm just like, yes, this is all true. Okay. So the only way I've seen, the only path through this I've seen work is a couple of things. Number one, you have to make a stone cold ironclad commitment to have girlfriends. Okay. That you meet with on a regular basis to exhale. He can't carry the entire weight of adult interaction.

Okay. Okay. And he deserves to know the truth. Okay. And so the best way I've seen truth, and this is number two, the best way I've seen truth told, because if you don't say anything, it's going to get so big and it's going to explode. Or you're going to find yourself withholding sex and he'll, it won't be the lack of sex. It'll be that he knows you're punishing him. Right. Right.

Right. And I don't want that. I don't want to make a resentment, have a resentment. There you go. Especially with something that you actually like, right? It's not like I'm not hearing that you don't like sex. It's just like, dude, I'm tired. Right? Yeah. We have like, our sex is great. I love my husband. He's, he's hot. I love my husband, but I'm like, man, I'm, I'm exhausted in all the ways I can be exhausted. Yes. And so the best way I've seen this that doesn't result in explosions is you say, Hey, what

We're going to go on a short two hour long breakfast together. And if you use the word retreat, that's the word I use. He'll roll his eyes and be like, am I doing that? Yeah. But if you are the one that sat down and said, hey, are all of our marriages different? And so we need to build a new marriage. And I want to build a hot and heavy marriage where we both feel loved and both feel connected now that we live inside of a zoo. Right. Right. And that's where you can begin to get real tactical and specific.

Okay. Okay. I'm going to give you, you're the first person and they're not out. So you're going to, it's going to be about a week or two. Okay. By the time this thing, by the time this episode is out in the world, they'll be out. But for you right now, I'm going to send you a copy of the brand new questions for humans intimacy deck. Oh, awesome. Okay. But here's some of the questions. What are some things you used to be into in the bedroom that you're not into anymore?

What are some, what's the last romantic thing that you, that I did for you and you did for me? And here's what your, what, what the whole goal of that, of those are is to build a roadmap to your heart. And it's a new map. And I know that when I just said roadmap to your heart, half the male audience just goes, Oh God. Right. But knowing, being able to ask, Oh, that's what, that's what you need. Okay. And it's very specific. Yeah.

Understanding what we're trying to tell each other, right? Yes, yes, yes, yes. And so when you say, I just want to talk, I just want to communicate, he in his head is hearing, what do we need to solve? I thought we solved it all. And you're not saying, I just want to talk to you. You're saying, I just want to be with you. Right. And it feels very un-Hollywood for you to say, can we sit on the couch and watch an episode of some old office rerun and just let me put my head in your lap? And will you play with my hair?

Right. And have it not lead, not necessarily lead to anything else. That's right. Because by the way, we've put sex on the calendar and tonight's not a sex night. Tonight is just a hug night. Yeah. But now we have three kids, seven and under. We got to put sex on the calendar. And by the way, as a mom, I can begin to prep for it and I'll be in the mood if I get 10 hour runway, right? Yeah.

Right. But when we come home and you're exhausted and you don't want to talk to me and we just go in the bedroom and you're like, are we doing this or what? Then no. Okay. And let me tell you one other thing that I have found connect with men in a pretty profound way. As a wife, especially a wife and a mom, when you know he quote unquote needs sex, it gets put on a chore list. Especially if I'm tired and everything else. It becomes a list of things I've got to do today. Right. And men feel that. You feel that.

Well, hold on. I got to clean the kitchen. I got to make sure all these bottles are washed. I got to put the burp rags in the laundry. And then, okay, if it's 10 o'clock, if it's 930, I can get in there. It's different when as a wife and a new mom, you know your husband wants you. That's the difference between a chore and desire. And when he wants you, not just sex, not just intercourse, but when he wants you and he desires you, then he wants you...

to laugh and he wants you to feel warm and he wants you to have peace and he wants you to not be so exhausted all the time and so there is sex i want you i desire you but also that it takes on a 360 degree that's the guy that's cleaning the bottles up and knows how to put the kids down that's the kid that's take that's the guy that's taking the bath time of the seven-year-old and the four-year-old while you're putting down the 10 the 10-month-old

And suddenly sex and intimacy in those moments are not put on a chore list. Do you get the difference between need and want? Yes. And I haven't met a woman yet who doesn't want to feel deeply desired. I haven't met that person. I don't think she exists. Right. But I have met over and over and over and over the woman who is chore listed out.

And I've met the exhausted husband who's tired of being at the bottom of the chore list. And so we got to get off the chore list, which means I got to look at you and say, I desire all of you. And then you have to be able to say with honesty, okay, all of me is more than just us banging it out every once in a while. Right. It's also us just laughing. Right. It's also, I've got to have some girlfriends that I'm talking to. And dude, you got to get some friends, buddy. Yeah. You got to get some guy friends and you got to help with bedtimes.

And, and, and, and. You got to get real tactical. Does that make sense? Yeah. Yes. So last thing I'm going to tell you, secrets will destroy your marriage. He can feel that you're not all right with him. And the only way he has to bridge that gap is more sex. Right. Right. And so y'all coming up with a language that makes it okay for y'all to tell each other. And that's why like people roll their eyes until they practice that. How can I love you today?

Mm-hmm. Just say, hey, can we start doing this at the beginning of every day? I feel like I'm losing my life and I feel like I'm losing you and you're the most important thing to me. I'm going to start asking you, how can I love you today? And we're going to ask each other this. And then we're going to be very tactical. And if he'll ask you, you have to be able to say, I need you to take bedtime tonight. Okay. Is that cool? I can do that. I need there to be no phone in your hand when you walk in the front door. Mm-hmm.

And he might say, how can I love you today? Sex. Yeah. Then I want you to challenge him. I want you to say specifically what kind, how, what do you want me to wear? And let's get him thinking about you and not just the act of getting off. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? That's the biggest part for me that makes me feel disconnected from him because I need to know it's more than that. Yeah. And by the way, I don't know any guy who wants to have disconnected sex. Yeah.

I know guys who don't know how to connect and they'll take what they can get, but nobody wants everybody. It's, it's always better when it's engaged, when both people are engaged. Right. Right. And so let's just loop back. We're going to start this whole thing over. Hang on the line. We're going to get your address and we'll make these cards out when I, I don't even have them in the shop, but there'll be here in the next week or so. Um, and we get them, we'll get them mailed out to you. You'll be the first person out in the world that has them.

But in the meantime, I want you to tell them we're going to do a long breakfast this week. And that means you, by the way, are going to have to disconnect from that 10-month-old and get a babysitter. And I want you to, like, I don't know, get a big sheet of paper and say, this is cheesy. I know. Just go with me on this. And I'll be like, oh, gosh, here we go. Our marriage as we knew it is over. We get to build what comes next.

And I want to build a hot and heavy marriage. I'm going to build a connected marriage. And I want to build a marriage that's not run by children. That means you and I get to decide what this thing looks like. And just the same as he has people working for him that have never worked on this kind of air conditioner. Neither of y'all have ever had a marriage with three young kids. So y'all get to figure it out as you go. It's going to be awesome. We've got to come up with how we tell each other hard things, how we hear hard things, how we switch from, I need this to, oh man, I want you. How do we get there?

Here's what must be true. What are the ons and offs? You're amazing, Kate. Y'all are right. Y'all are not crazy. You're right in a normal spot. And y'all get to choose what happens next. Make sure to call us, sister. We'll be right back. The holidays are bearing down on us all like a freight train. And the stores keep playing Little Drummer Boy over and over. Enough with the pa-rum-pa-pum-pum and all the madness. Listen.

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Let's go out to Seattle, Washington and talk to Allie. What's up, Allie? Hi, good morning. How are you? I'm good. I'm feeling inspired and maybe like this is a sign that I'm supposed to dig deeper into this issue. Oh, I like it. I like it. Okay. All right, let's do it. What's up? So my question is if and how I address a friend of mine about the way that she treats her husband and her kids. Oh, man. Tell me more about this.

Yeah. So we met through a church group. And then once the small group kind of stopped meeting, they invited us to their house. And so we've kind of been having dinner at their house mostly weekly for going on a year. So we've got to know them pretty well. And so I feel like I have a lot of, I guess, data based on how their family functions. Yeah.

My, I'm finding that I'm getting increasingly stressed being over there. It's mostly the way that I feel like she treats her kids. They're about eight and five and it's very dismissive and kind of like a get out of my sight sort of attitude. And it just really personally bothers me. And I'm kind of realizing too, just that the whole culture of their home feels a lot like my own childhood.

Um, and I'm just really not enjoying being there. And I don't know if I should say something. It's not like any sort of outright abuse, no name calling. Sure. Um, but it just personally really bothers me. I don't think you should treat kids like that. The phrase she uses often is like, I love you with all my heart. Now go away. Yeah. But this is like, you know, a whole year of seeing the same type of behavior or anytime they act out, it's go to your room immediately. Hmm.

And they're just little. So I'm not really sure what I should do or if I should even say anything. I feel like I'm being extremely judgmental. Yeah, I mean, so this is somebody that you've been in their home a whole bunch of times. So this is somebody that you've got depth in a relationship with. Can I just tell you a personal story? Yeah, of course. I put this in the top 10 most important moments of my life. And I'm that serious about it.

In college, I was dating a woman who is now my wife. Okay. And

I lived with three other guys. We had this dream set up. We lived on top of this building downtown in the city where we went to school. And we lived on top of this shop. And it was, I mean, it was a dream. 16 rooms. It was absurd, right? And the landlords who owned the shop below were so gracious and great. It was just perfect. Just four dudes. It was gross. It was so gross and almost uninhabitable.

So I'm dating this woman, and at one point, she just lets me have it. Like, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to be around you anymore. And maybe I was 19 or 20 at the time, maybe 21. And I was sitting by one of my closest, longest-time friends in the world, and his name is Trevor. And I just popped off. I was like, can you believe what she said about me? Like, she said this and this and that I do this. It's ridiculous. And there was a long pause. Mm-hmm.

And I remember him kind of chuckling like, oh, for real? And then I'm going to tone it down a little bit because he has kids now. But he said in tone down, you're the biggest ass I've ever met. Oh. And I was like, wait, what? What? And he goes, that's what makes it funny. You're like a great guy. You don't even like, but you're the worst. You're the worst boyfriend. And I had never seen it. I didn't get it. Mm-hmm.

that is one of the 10 most important moments in my adult life because I realized my actions were not meeting who I wanted to be in the world and even who I thought I was being in the world. And the fact that I have a friend, by the way, you don't get many shots at 30-year friendships and he's one of them, right? He's somebody else. I called him before I took this job, before I quit everything to take this job. So, but he earned that right by speaking truth to me even when it's hard.

And so I tell you, I'm a beneficiary over the course of my life of a few men. Sometimes we were kids. Sometimes we're adults who look me in the eye and say, Hey, X, Y, and Z behavior. I've earned the right to speak into this. You got to stop.

Or you don't see how this is affecting other people. So that's number one. So I'm telling you I've got a significant bias that my life has been better because people had the courage to step in when they saw something in me that I didn't. But here's the key to that whole interaction. I kind of invited it. Right. Right? And I put it on the table, giving him the chance to back me up, bro. And he gave me the chance. He loved me enough to tell me the truth.

And so I guess there's two things here. Number one, are you willing to burn the relationship to the ground? Because that could happen. Are you willing to not go over there anymore? Because you love her so much to say, hey, there's a truck coming and the truck is your kids aren't going to want to talk to you ever again. Or you're creating a world that I had to live. And she might look at you and go, oh, thank God. Thank you for telling me. And she might say, who do you think you are?

Right. If I feel like I have a hill to die on, then those are very, very few and far between, but I don't care what the consequences are. I'm going to die on that hill because I think it's right. Okay. So that's number one. Number two, I love starting these kinds of conversations with, Hey, are you all right? Like, are you doing okay? Yeah. What do you mean? And I, I've been coming to your house for a year. You're like one of my best friends now. And I love it. And it just seems like there's a tension. Are you doing okay? Yeah.

And if she can't hear that, then that probably is a good status on how much she trusts you on the state of your relationship. But if she can, like, tell me more. What are you hearing? What do you think? I don't know. Your kids seem to drive you crazy just by their presence. And that's not an accusation. That's more of a, here's just what I see. What do you think? Do you get the difference? Yes. That would probably be the way I introduced it with somebody that is a new good friend, if I can classify somebody like that. Okay.

What did you experience that your body is remembering? What did you experience growing up? Having the TV on all the time. And that is like the means of interacting with my parents. Like the only way to be with them is to sit in front of the TV. There wasn't really face-to-face time. Like you got the clear message there was other more important things in the room than you? Yeah, this is much more important than me. Gotcha. And we're just too tired from our work day to like deal with you or ask about you.

Gotcha. Do you bring them little notes when you come over? The kids? Yeah. No. That might be a cool thing to begin to practice and not in a subversive mean way, but it sounds like you really like these kids. I like kids in general. And yeah, oftentimes I go sit out on the patio where it's actually quiet and have my dinner. I mean, do you like these kids? Are they good kids?

And they're a little uncivilized just because of how they've been raised, but they are not bad kids at all. So maybe if you went with the old adage of catch them being good, if you hear about a good thing and when you come over to the house once a week, you bring a small little card and hand it to them. Mm-hmm. Said, I heard about your, you got an A on this thing.

I heard that you were nice to some kid. And tell your friend, hey, I'm starting this new thing where I want to catch little kids being good. And so I'm going to text you before I come over. Tell me one good thing that the kids have done in the past week. And in a weird way, you're communicating. It could be indicting. She'd be like, oh my gosh, you think you're better. Hopefully she's not like that. Hopefully she's like, oh my gosh, that's a fantastic idea. But you can...

Begin to lift those kids up in places where other people other adults in their lives aren't lifting them up Just because it's the right thing to do. Um, and you might become their favorite friend aunt if you know what I mean, but yeah, this is hard I I I just i've just found it in my life. I I always err on the side of it's gonna have the conversation It's gonna have it um And I guess i'll cap all of this off with one of my core rules and i've said it on this show before I only speak when I think I can be heard

And if I have a friend who I don't think is treating their kids with dignity or whatever, and I know having the conversation, they can't hear it. They're unwilling to hear it. I probably just stop hanging out with them so much. Just stop going over there so much. Because it's not abusive. It's not vile. It's not out of bounds. It's just, I don't like it. It just makes me uncomfortable. And it's not my circus, not my ecosystem. If it's abuse, of course, y'all know I'm going to get in. I'm going to expect y'all to get in too on behalf of the kids. But

Yeah, if they can't hear it, they can't hear it. But if they can, I don't know, man. My life has just been changed because some important men in my life stood up and said, no more. Trevor Moore, John Noel Thompson, Todd Whitaker, Tucker Worcester. I mean, guys, like buddy group, like men, Craig Swamp, men who have said, hey, I expect more of you. You're my friend. And I'm here today because of those men speaking up in my life. So whatever that's worth, thanks for the call. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, the month of November is all about gratitude, and most of us have a person we'd like to shout out for helping us along the way. I'd like to take a moment to shout out two people who have helped transform my life, the great Marilyn Fannin and the powerful Dr. Jean-Noel Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance professionally when no one should have, and she brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me.

And Jean-Noel taught me how to be a dad and a husband and a professional and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time thanks to Marilyn and Jean-Noel. And for all of you listeners, I know you have people in your life that you are grateful for, and I hope that you stop and thank them at least every once in a while. But for all of us, there's one person that we often don't take time to thank.

ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving, we're inching and moving forward, and most of us are grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and hopefully a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, thanking ourselves is not easy. So here's my reminder. Thank the people in your life, including you. And

And sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially in the holiday season.

And that's why I recommend my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it's convenient for your schedule. You get online, and you fill out a short survey, and you get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

Let the gratitude flow this holiday season with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to H-Town and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. I'm sad. The Astros lost last night, so hopefully they win today.

Oh, I wouldn't know. I don't watch it. So sorry. That's the problem, Anna. We need you. We need you. All right. So what's up? Okay. Sorry, I'm a little flustered. Okay. So I'm trying to best figure out how to phrase this question. But basically, I'm moving in. Well, I just moved into my apartment yesterday with my boyfriend and we've been together for six months. And it's great and it's amazing. No, it's not or you wouldn't be calling.

Well, I guess I'm having a hard time dealing with, like, I don't know how to, let me just, okay. Just, hey, don't try to, what I have found on the show is people who try to, like, say it in the right way, it just comes, just jump in, cannonball. Okay. Vomit. So...

So, basically, I have an issue. Like, I always keep coming back with just certain things that I have found out. Because I feel like I've asked all the general right questions, you know, first date questions, like, who have you been with? When was your last relationship? Why did it end? Like, all those questions that you ask on, like...

the first beginning of their relationship. And so I basically found some stuff out and it wasn't anything crazy. And I just didn't understand why he didn't tell me. And then once I brought it up to him, it was, okay, well, this happened. And then I'm like, okay. And then I dig deeper and it was like, okay, well, this happened. And then I'm just kind of like,

I don't understand why you wouldn't just say something from the start. And I don't know. I just keep on holding onto that feeling of I can't let it go. It's always sitting in the back of my head. I don't know if it's like anxiety or if it's my intuition, but I always have to bring it up or

Or I feel the need to bring it up and be like, like this, this still makes me upset. Like, I don't understand why. And I don't want to feel that way anymore. Yeah. Well, good thing you moved in with a guy you've only known for six months. That made, that was good. Oh my God. I'm sorry. No, don't be sorry. I just, that was quick, man. That's real quick. Was it? Six months? Yeah.

You're calling me and telling me that this guy lies to you and doesn't tell you the truth. Yes, it's really quick. But hey, that's not why you called. So let me ask you this. Who has not shown up for you in your past? Did dad leave? Did mom leave? No. My dad is present. My mom is present. I mean, my dad was like, you know,

My dad, he's cool. So I guess I wouldn't, I guess they showed up in their own parenting way that I'm okay. That's cool. But I mean, I guess it would be like prior relationship that. Okay. I mean, that's my next move. I always like to start with parents just to see. And so it sounds like they're good parents. Here's what intuition is.

Intuition is your body saying, we call it, you know, go with your gut, intuition. All intuition is, is your body trying to get your attention that we've seen this before. We've experienced this before. And the reason I would tell you that six months to sign a lease with some dude that you don't know that well is soon because now when your body tries to tell you, whoa, whoa, whoa, I remember, oh crap, I remember this one.

Your prefrontal cortex, the rational decision-making part of your brain says, well, we have a lease now. We're here. Yeah. It's the part of your brain that says, well, we've already planned the wedding, so that ship seems to have already sailed. We bought a car together. We already are sharing a bank. Suddenly, you pile all of these things on top of your gut that's just telling you, dude, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. And often, we learn those lessons really early to ignore things

our gut intuition because we want to sleep with somebody or we want to be loved or we want to be swept up in these feelings and emotions. And so our body, just this annoying person on the sidelines that we were like, just shut up. Look how awesome this is. And so I always want people to, I, our gut intuition is not always right, but man, I have learned the hard way.

that both I need to listen to my gut and equally as importantly, I have to have somebody or a couple of people in my life that I check on that with. Like I had this sense in my gut, this is wrong. And somebody will go, I totally get that. And here's why it's right. Okay. I'm going to do it or vice versa. Okay. That, so that's, that's where I'm, I'm, I'm pulling that string in your life. Like it tell, I, I, I, I'm getting a sense as, as the dad of a daughter, I want my daughter to,

To not feel comfortable if she thinks a man that she's considering spending the rest of her life with or spending significant time with and investing in, if her gut says, dude, he's not telling me everything. What's he hiding? Why is he hiding? I want that voice to be the loudest voice in your life. I don't want you to silence that voice. Yeah. Because I'm with you. What did you find out that he didn't tell you? Well, so basically...

Yeah, I asked him early on in the relationship. I was like, when was your last relationship? Just to kind of gauge when that was. And he said his last relationship was like two years ago or a year ago, some time ago. And I was like, okay. And then I found out that it was actually with another girl last September, June.

to December, which is fine, like, updated since then. And...

I was like, okay, well, why didn't you tell me? Like, I found this out. Like, why didn't you tell me? And then it was like, oh, it was just like one or two dates. So I didn't consider her a relationship. And I was like, okay. And I dug deeper. And well, if it was like that couple of months long, it was a relationship. Y'all must have seen each other more than once. And it turns out, yeah, he did. And they, you know, he met her husband.

son and they said, I love you and everything. And that again, that's fine. I'm not like people can do whatever they want before my time. That's okay. But I just don't, I don't understand like why he didn't tell me and he didn't even have to tell me all of that. And here's why. Why? Cause he's a liar. Oh my God. No, I don't. So like what? Anna. Okay. Okay. He's a liar.

He thought you were too stupid. Here's what lying is. It's looking at the person across the table from you and saying to yourself, I think you're too stupid to figure out the truth. But like, why would he lie? Because it's not like it was anything crazy. How do you know, Anna? How do you know? I don't know. He's lied to you every step of the way. I guess I'm trying to say is like...

They don't even live in the same state anymore. Anna. Yeah. Here's the thing. You have a pair of glasses on. And the pair of glasses are, this guy's amazing. And every piece of data that you find out that he's not amazing, you have to filter through these glasses of, no, no, no, he's amazing. What I want you to do is to take the glasses off. That is choosing reality.

And so here's the reality. You met a guy in Houston, Texas, my hometown. Could have been me 30 years ago. And you said, tell me about people you've dated. Just getting to know you. Ah, I haven't dated anybody in a year, year and a half. Huh. And y'all went on a few more dates. It got serious. Like, tell me about the last girl you dated. And I'm like you, I like to know. I like to just listen and learn. Right? Yeah. Um,

I think it was just a few months ago. I'd never asked my wife. I was like, hey, what's the most romantic date you ever went on that wasn't me? And she told me it was so freaking romantic. And the guy I would consider a buddy. And I was like, good God, that was a smooth date. Right? But it was like 30 years ago, 25 years ago. But still, I was like, man, well done, dude. So I like to know those things. I just think it's fun. I think it's fun learning. Me too, yeah. And he looked at you and he said, I wasn't nothing.

And then you dug a little deeper and you found out, no, it was something. It wasn't a lot, but it was something. And then you dug a little bit deeper and then you dug a little bit deeper. And if you've ever listened to this show, there's a chance that kid he met is his. Yeah, really? How do you know? How do you know? Because the kid is older. I mean, like, listen, I'm just messing with you. I'm messing with you. Here's what I want you to know. You don't know.

Okay. Yeah. And I always want to judge trustworthiness in the teeny tiny things. Because if you're going to lie about something really small, you're going to lie about something huge. Okay. And I also get, I also am not stupid. And I dated too. I used to lie all the time. I wouldn't lie about something like this, but like an exaggerator or it was bigger or funnier or cooler or I had a better opportunity. Like, dude, that was me. I get it.

But there's got to come a moment when you come clean and say, hey, hey, I didn't tell you this. Or I said this wasn't that big of a deal. I got to come clean on this one. And he didn't. And you kept digging and you found out more and you found out more. And now you're at a point where you're scared to dig anymore because you don't know what you're going to find. I mean, I'm still digging. I know you are. I know you are. But also you signed a lease. So what are you going to do, Anna? Yeah. Like you've boxed yourself in. I mean, I guess.

I don't know. I guess the, I'd be open and transparent on how I feel, which I have been. I know, but here's the problem, sweetheart. He's not, he's not. You can be the most integrous person, but integrity, like the root of it is integer. It's a whole. So think of it like a circle. You are bringing your half of that circle to the table. He's not. Yeah. And so have you sat down and said, look, look, look, we signed the lease. We're here.

Because here's the thing, you're going to keep digging and what you're telling him is, I don't trust you. And I'm telling you, Anna, you cannot build a relationship on that kind of foundation. Yeah, I know. And so at some point you got to put the shovel down, but you can't put the shovel down and stop digging until you feel safe enough to do that. And you can't feel safe enough to do that until he comes clean and he hasn't come clean and your body knows it. And so at some point you got to sit down and say, I'm sick to my stomach because I love you. I think I really care about you.

I need to put it all on the table, everything. And you'd get to decide what you need to know because he violated the trust. And so you get to lay the groundwork. You get to lay the variables, the here's what it's going to take to regain trust. I need to know. I know everybody you've been with. I need to know if you have any kids. I need to know your relationship with your, I need, I need to know whatever it's going to be. I need to see your phone, whatever you, you, you get to put it down and he gets to say, I'm not doing that. Yeah. I'm,

I've done exactly that. And I mean, I found out this information like straight like within like a month. So I've been holding on to that feeling for like since forever just because I'm like, well, what else? What else could possibly be? And I've said like, hey,

And late been so specific of this is something that I would like to know. And I've said, like, don't think of it as like something that you wouldn't think is important. If I'm the one asking the question, what do you think Anna would care about? Cause that's how I. Perfect. What'd he say? What did he say to that?

He was very open and welcoming and he does let me, like, he's like, this is my phone. And that's how I found out, like, on his phone. Like, so I'm kind of like, why didn't he delete it? Like, I don't understand, like, what's going on? Because, like, and I'm the same way. Like, just go into my phone. I don't care. And

So he's very open with all of that. And I, you know, met his parents, seen their relationship with his parents, like, and everything. So that's why I'm just kind of like, well. So Anna, put the shovel down. Okay. Because you're making yourself crazy. I am. If you've examined the stories and demanded evidence, is this true? Did he lie to me? Yes. Has he made it right? Yes.

Have I gone over the top saying you have to prove integrity in this way, in this way, in this way, in this way, and he has every step of the way? Then you, Anna, have to put the shovel down. Okay. That means practice. That means practice. Every time you feel like, well, I wonder. Exhale. Stop, Anna. I trust him. I trust him. Okay. How does that feel?

I mean, it feels like I do feel, you know, good with him. And it's just like that feeling, like it always just comes back. Like, well, what else? What could be there? I don't know. We must find out. Okay. Before we get in. Before what? Before y'all move in together? Before you sign a lease together? Before you start sleeping together? Before what? You're already there. You're already there. Yeah.

I mean, like it is. So there's one of two things. Either you have chosen to not let go of those early things he fudged on, he lied about when you met him, or you are desperately trying to ignore them because you're now over your head relationally. You've fallen for this dude. Y'all are physically intimate. You are emotionally intimate. You signed a lease together. Like the train in your body, in your mind, you feel like the train has left the station.

And it's barreling down the tracks. And so you are desperately trying to cover up your body. Tell your body, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Stop looking, stop looking, stop looking. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Here's the deal. None of us can answer this. Only you can. And if in your guts you trust him, I think he's telling the truth now. He's apologized. He's made it right. He puts his phone on the table. I mean, he just is open. I'm going to intentionally on a day-to-day basis practice every time that feeling comes up that I want to say, he's lying.

I'm going to say, nope, stop. Nope, nope, stop, stop. He's a good man. And I'm going to go make him a cup of coffee. He's a good man. I'm going to do an act of intention. Or if you sit down and say, I'm telling you there's something else here, then trust your gut. But at any rate, you're making yourself bananas, either by silencing yourself, your intuition, or by just getting a shovel and digging up your whole foundation of your house. Stop, stop, stop. Exhale.

I want you to write Anna in five years from now a letter. Say, "Dear Anna, here's what your life is going to look like in five years." And write it with him sitting next to you as though y'all are married and you have a little kid on the way. What does that story feel like? Is that exciting? Does that make you smile? Does it make your eyes light up? Or is it terrifying, make your stomach drop? Ask that question. Write that story. Experience that potential narrative.

I really want you to ask Anna, what is true here? And if you can't do it, then ask a therapist, ask a counselor, ask a close, close friend. Stop spinning circles. Let's go forward. We'll be right back.

Hey, what's up? Deloney here. I am just super excited to announce I'm hitting the road with my buddy Dave Ramsey this spring on a brand new tour. Just us two. And we're putting a new twist on this thing. We're going to talk about money. We're going to talk about relationships. And we're going to tell stories y'all have never heard before. It's going to be an incredible, fun night. But every night is going to be totally different because you, the audience, are going to help choose what we talk about.

You heard that right. It's going to be like no event you've ever been to. We're kicking it off in Louisville on April 21st, 2025. And then we're going to Durham, Atlanta, Phoenix, Fort Worth, and then Kansas City. You're going to laugh. You're going to learn. And if we do our jobs right, you're going to change your life. Get your tickets for the Money in Relationships Tour today at ramsaysolutions.com slash tour.

All right, we're back. Kelly, that puts them on the socials? Yes. On the social medias? I like this one that you wrote. No one should be a bigger cheerleader and fan of your spouse than you. We bend towards the places where we're loved, celebrated, and appreciated. If work, friends, video games, or the internet appreciate your spouse more than you, over time they will lean that way. Cheer on and celebrate your spouse like your marriage depends on it. Because it does. Ooh, yeah.

Oh, it's hard. That's just a real personal one. I've had several opportunities over the last 20 years where I've had business successes or I've had, you know, whatever. Things happen at work and I didn't bring them home because I can be annoying with those things. And my wife doesn't understand whatever ecosystem, so I was kind of annoying about it. And so I just didn't bring it home. I'd be like, that's awesome. Or I would celebrate with people at work, with friends at work and colleagues at work and

What I found for me personally is over time, I start craving their opinions and I started craving their, what are they going to say? And in my personal life, it's been, what's she going to say? And then I started thinking like, hey, check this out. And then I get real close. And so it just becomes this real slippery slope where suddenly I can then, I withhold information or I don't explain it right or I get real annoying. And by the way, I can get real annoying.

when I get super excited about something and with excessive details and excessive talking about it, I find myself withholding and then other people fill that gap and yada yada. All I have to say is this, when I consciously wake up every day and intentionally look for something to celebrate about my wife, it shifts, it strengthens our marriage in a pretty profound way. And I've had to learn over the last 25 years of being with the same person that

i have to a figure out ways i can i can talk about successes with her in a way she can hear it where i'm not annoying right track times is a good one i'd get home from when i was coaching track

And I'd get home and be like, this guy ran this time and that guy ran that time. And he really, she was like, what are you talking? I don't know all these mile relay splits. Like, so I have to learn to tell that in a way that we can celebrate it together. And she has to wake up and say, I need to find some things to celebrate about my husband. And if we both do that, it really limits the desperation I have from other people to fill that vacuum.

And every, like, I was just, again, it was that conversation with Dr. Brooks. I was just reminded of the strongest relationships are those that many, many, many in-person relationships begin at work. That's where affairs happen. And I think it's because you get the ecosystem. We all cheer each other on and it's awesome. And we share jokes and check out this funny joke or whatever. And what you don't realize is you're beginning to look for it there and not at home. And so,

All that to say, show up for your spouse and look for ways every single day I'm going to cheer them on. Nobody will out-cheer them on. Nobody. Not their boss, not their supervisor, not their co-worker. Because I think it's our marriages depend on it. Love you guys. See you soon.