My Husband Spends All My Salary
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Yeah, he's not because y'all are broke.

What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. And if you're like me, you got a lot going on.

For 20 years, I've sat with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd love to sit with you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Let's roll out to San Francisco and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up?

Hi, John. Yes, I had a question about financial abuse. And my question is, when is financial behavior in a relationship considered financial abuse or just typical financial behavior in a relationship? Tell me what you're working through.

What I'm working with is we, I've been in a relationship for 13 years and I'm un, I'm unmarried. Okay. We have three children together. Oh boy. Okay. And, um,

In the beginning of our relationship, I did not have a bank account. I had a job, but I did not have a bank account. And then when I became pregnant with our first child, I stopped working and he, without me prompting, surprised me as a gesture, added me to his bank account for, you know, our upcoming child. And I, and then...

That's when our finances were commingled. That's like the great Beyonce song. If you like her, then you should have put her on your bank account.

Gosh, what a gesture. What a gesture. It was a huge gesture. And we never sat down and talked about the nuances because at this time, neither one of us had a penny to our name. We didn't have two nickels to rub together. But we had this child coming up and it meant a lot.

Okay. And through shortly after I had the birth of our first child, I got a great paying job and with great benefits about two months after the birth. And he wasn't able to continue working his part-time job any longer. So, yeah.

We decided he would quit, stay at home with the child, and I would continue working to bring home the bacon. Throughout the years, as the child got older and as time went on,

We were in a situation where he was able to start working again and we were able to utilize daycare and I was continuing my job. But then there became a pattern of going from job to job where he would get a job and shortly quick because he didn't like it or he didn't like management.

Or he would just continuously call out. And this continued on for a few years. And I just thought, you know, he'll be figuring out what he wants to do. He'll find his niche eventually. And...

It became really hard to not rely on what he says he was going to do. I stopped trusting his word. That's because he never kept his word. Yeah. Yeah. Even your cadence is very tiptoe-y. Are you safe in your own house? I'm physically safe. Okay.

but I don't feel emotionally or financially safe. Does he scream at you? Does he swear at you? Is he just like a parasite in the house?

No, he's not. He's not like that. It's just a lot of, I guess, it's just emotional. It's gaslighting where I feel like if I express how I'm feeling, it's my problem for feeling how I feel and that I'm just overreacting when I feel a certain way.

But I am physically safe. Okay. And he does not do any kind of yelling or name calling. Sounds like he doesn't do much of anything. And that's kind of where I've gotten to the point. So let me cut right to the chase here. It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say, I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met. Mm-hmm. And...

almost always in this situation, it's not a net zero. It's not just like he's being a bump on a log sitting in the house just playing video games, doing nothing. It's that he's also buying a bunch of crap and into conspiracy theories and doing willy-nilly stuff that he's a net drain on the house. Am I right or wrong? Yeah, I think...

I feel he wants to portray to the world that he is, that he has all this money. And I feel like it's kind of, he likes to go out and go out to lunch with friends and he'll pick up the bill. And then I'm left there standing, you know,

in line at the food bank because he decided to spend $200, you know, a couple of days before going out to eat. And when I approached him about it, I'm the bad guy because he's not been allowed to go out to eat. Yeah. He's not because y'all are broke. Yeah. And so, yes, you have to take him off and you have to be prepared for what comes next. I'm so afraid. I know.

Are you more afraid of a confrontation with a guy who has been using you as an ATM machine for the last 14 years, won't even commit to you, but is just using you as an ATM machine and making his friends, using your blood, sweat, and tears to make his friends think he's cool while you stand in line at a food bank so you and your kid can eat? Are you more scared of that? Or are you more scared of...

ultimately filing bankruptcy, being destitute because your husband had the willpower of a small child. Like here's what you've got two hard paths ahead of you. You don't have an easy path. You have to choose your heart and the path you're on right now is killing you and you're watching it happen. I don't understand how somebody who says they care about their family can be

be okay with that. And I think the challenge for most people is they would never, ever, ever do that. And so they spend time trying to figure out, uh, most people can't imagine that somebody, how many kids do you have? One, three, three. Good God. Most people can't wrap their heads around having three kids and a wife working full time.

And not working ever to provide, but making sure everybody's taken care of. And when their wife says, Hey, we don't have any money blowing up on your wife. Most people that's so insane. That's such a, um, bastardization of the role. A husband is supposed to play in their house or a man is supposed to, you know, you didn't even bother to be your husband. A man is supposed to play in your house.

Like, so his whole life is a fantasy. He plays house, but he won't commit. He plays husband. He won't commit. He plays dad, but he doesn't want the responsibility. He plays friend, but he spends his wife's money while she's getting noodles at a food bank. I mean, his whole life is a fantasy, but here's the problem. You've allowed it. Yeah.

And it's a fantasy that continues to grow and grow and grow. He's just a kid in his mom's basement. It just happens to be you're his mom, right? You're the maternal figure in his life. And he resents you for it. And yet he uses you for it. I think that the hardest realization is that he's not, I mean, 14 years. And the veil finally lifted this year. That's right. And...

What the final straw was is I took a, we bought a house that's only in my name because he doesn't have good credit. And I took an equity line of credit to pay off all of our debt and found out about a month ago that without my knowledge, he maxed them all out again. But now I'm double in the hole.

And he just says that he needed to buy those things. He was getting gas or he was, you know, getting food. He needs to get a freaking job and he won't. So Anna, you're at a precarious position right now. And you're probably not sleeping and you're probably spinning out a lot. And here's why. Your body knows that you are on a razor's edge and they're going to take your house from you because you put your house on the block.

You're dangerously scared because you know that your credit is going to be like his. And even if they take your home from you because you default on an equity line of credit that you can no longer afford, your kids aren't going to be able to have an apartment because your credit's so bad. You know these things in your nervous system. The real question is, are you going to act on them? What are you going to do next?

And I get the grief and I get this fear and I get the terror. I get all of it. And even if you don't think you're worth it, your kids are. I'm just sick to my stomach that this is the way this man has chosen to treat his wife and his children. It's disgusting. It's gross, man. But neither you nor I can do anything about how he chooses to wake up and piss away his life. What we can do is choose the next right thing. I want you to think about your four walls.

Is my home secure? Do I have running water and electricity? Do I have transportation? Do I have food for me and my children? And if you don't have those things, you have to move to protect yourself financially, particularly when you are the chief breadwinner. You're the only one bringing him money. And listen, his fantasy will come crashing down. The question you have to ask yourself is, will it come crashing down on top of you or next to you?

And as for me and my kids, I would not subject them to the abrupt ending to his little fantasy run that he's had. So yes, I would move the money. This is a matter of safety. I would move my direct deposit into a new bank. I would close the checking account and I would tell him, I have taken the money out of the account. You've spent us into a dangerous hole.

if you want to go get a job you're welcome to have money you will have no more resources or money and by the way i want you to put a freeze on your credit report so he can't take out any credit cards in your name no loans in your name and i don't know how the laws in california work hopefully his 14 years of not being willing to marry you will backfire on him but i don't know how that crazy state does stuff so i don't know then you gotta ask yourself is this a relationship you want to stay in he's a predator he's a child

He's not a sexual predator, but he is somebody who just does nothing. He's not a predator. He's a parasite. That's what he is. He's a parasite. I hate it for you, sister. I wish I had better news. But yes, this is not financial abuse. This is you spreading your wings and protecting your children and protecting you from somebody who does not care about anything other than himself. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go to Denver, Colorado and talk to AMY. What's up, Amy? I am looking at ending a 30-year friendship. Whoa, what happened?

Well, it's a little bit of a long story. Do you want me to get into it? Give me the highlights. Well, the highlights is I have a friend who I've been... We met in kindergarten. We've been good friends for 30 years. With any relationship, it's had its ebbs and flows, ups and downs. But lately, I've been feeling like I'm in a toxic relationship. She has...

She has been trapped in a cycle of toxic relationships with men since high school. And I've been her go-to person to save her, to help her, to support her. And I've been happy to do that. She's one of my ride-or-dies. But this last time she got out of a toxic relationship and then went right back in, it kind of opened my eyes to some things that maybe...

She's the toxic one and maybe I'm in a toxic relationship. Hey, oh. Yeah. So I'm looking at kind of pulling away and shutting this friendship down. And there's a lot of grief associated with that. Sure. So that's what I'm struggling with. Does it have to be an event? And here's what I mean. Like we don't have a good system. They just don't exist. Maybe they do in other cultures. I don't know of any that like there's like,

There's ways to end romantic relationships and there's ways to end business relationships. There's just not a good way to end a grown-up adult friendship. Right. There's not like a, like, I'm breaking up with you, like, over coffee. It just doesn't work like that. Right. But so I'm asking you, does it have to be an event or can it just be, dude, I'm not going to answer. I don't have to answer the phone.

I think that's kind of what I've been doing. So I went through some training recently where I've been extremely busy and I kind of was like, I'm not, I'm not available this month and kind of let that ease out. But now I'm feeling like, should I tell her why I'm not going to answer her phone calls? I mean, if she is, if she is a toxic person, you coming up with the right explanation will not satisfy her. Right. That conversation will be theater for you. And it won't, I mean, it,

If she chooses to ask you because she cares about you as much as you've cared about her over 30 years, she'll ask you, hey, why did you, like, seriously, you never answer the phone anymore. And then you could say, dude, I just, I can't do the toxic boy thing anymore. I just can't. Like, you make your choices. You do your thing. I've been ride or die for so long. Like, I've got to, I've got, I just don't have the mental capacity for it anymore. That's being 100% honest.

It is. And like two months ago when she got out of this relationship, she was crying and I was there for her and she said, please don't disappear on me. And this is kind of one of the things that opened my eyes. A lot of people have disappeared on her. And I was like, well, maybe you are the common denominator. And it was like light bulb went on for me. So I told her I wouldn't disappear. But now I'm like, well, maybe I do want to disappear. Well, there's a difference between you disappearing and her pushing you away.

Right. You bailing on her is one thing, and you committed to not do that. Her constantly calling you and barraging you with tons of text, or I need you to do this, or I can't borrow some money, or oh my gosh, can you? I don't want to be a part of that. Right. And I'll also say this. Sometimes these type of, you only have a few opportunities to have a 30-year friendship. You only have a few opportunities like that. And so here's kind of my thinking on it.

I have a few 30-year friendships. I have a few 40-year friendships. I believe those conversations are worth direct, in-line, human-to-human conversation. I'm just making this up, but when you cross the quarter century mark, I'm done having to filter myself around you. Okay.

Well, that's one thing I'm good at. I don't filter. I'm very direct. She comes to me when she needs the direct, like what's happening here. And I'll tell her what I feel. I don't, I mean, I'm not mean about it, but I don't sugarcoat it. Okay. So some of the greatest, some of the greatest moments of my life, especially when I was a young, young guy trying to figure out how to be a young adult was when friends would tell me, dude, you are the worst. And those, what, like those men are still my friends to this day.

Right. And we've weathered a few of those where I did something to help her and she blew up on me and stopped talking to me and then came back later and said, yeah, that was the right thing to do. Cool. And I was like, yeah. So you have a volatile friend who maybe needs to hear, hey, all these people that quote unquote leave you, you ever thought it might be you? Because here's the deal. You're looking at not having the friendship anyway.

You might want to consider not having the friendship, having loved with all you had, which was to tell the truth that nobody else would tell this friend versus running away. Right. Does that make sense? It does. One thing she comes back at me with is, well, it's my life and I can do what I want. But you don't honor yourself the way she honors herself because your response should be, I know, but this is my life and I get to do what I want to do.

And I am 40 now. I don't just don't want to do, uh, I don't want to do dating drama anymore. Right. I don't have different conversations.

And that's another thing. I'm a mom. I'm married. Yeah. She's single. She's divorced. That's right. And we're way, she, you know, I feel like she lives her life like she's in her 20s and she's almost 40. She does. And I'm like, I'm in a different place and you don't, she doesn't ever support me in the things that I need. Okay, but Amy, Amy, Amy. Whatever's happening there. She never has. Ever. For 30 years, she hasn't.

And I think it's not fair for you to suggest that you haven't got something out of this for 30 years. You've been the hero for 30 years. You've been the wise, steady one. You've been the safety net. And now you need someone who's wise. It's hard having kids. It's hard being married to the same knucklehead. Like you need somebody to be wise. You need someone to lean on every once in a while. And you're realizing, oh, I don't have that. That's exactly it. So...

It's, it's, it does no good to think about, to spend time meditating on how much you've helped over 30 years. That's, that's a, that's a choice to be miserable in your present day. Right. The best way to spend energy is to go find people who you can lean on. Right. And that is miserable. And there's no roadmap for that. Making friends in your thirties and forties is the absolute worst. It's the worst. And you don't have any other options because you need oxygen. And that's what friends and community are.

Yeah. So I just don't know how to grieve it. You don't? You just carry it with you. I'm sad that that had to end. Yeah, I think I've talked about it on the show. I have one ride-or-die friend who is my longest friend, and I got a call several years ago. It was just like, hey, I'm moving on with my life, and I wish you the best, and this is the last time you'll hear from me. And it was somebody that I love deeply. Been through a lot of wild adventures with, and I don't ever talk about them because I want to honor them.

But they had the courage and integrity to reach out. And then I immediately fired an email back and it bounced back to me. That was it. Ouch. Yeah. And God, I wish them well. Hope their life is full and great and grand. And also, I got to have other men in my life, other women in my life that I trust, I can lean on when things get wild.

I've never raised two kids before. I need some wisdom. I've never been married to the same person for 20 years after almost blowing it up a few times. I'm over my head, as all of us are trying to figure out life. And so I need people in my life. So sad. Broke my heart. And I'm going to go do the next right thing. Right. Because, I mean, again, what else am I going to do?

There's really nothing else I can do for her. I've done everything I can do. She's drowning me. That's right. And so you have an obligation to yourself, to your husband, to your kids, to your family, to your friends, to if somebody doesn't want to swim to shore, I'm not going to voluntarily drown with you. I will pull and fight and scratch and claw with you to get you back to shore. If that is not where you want to go, then I'm not going to be your, I can't be your person. And by the way, when you're swimming out in the ocean and you're lost, you need help getting back to shore.

If they're like, yeah, I don't do that. I don't help. I got a date. I just, I don't, I don't, life's too short, man. Life's too short. And a 30-year friendship is not something just to throw away. And I think they're worth fighting. And I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth here. If you think a hard conversation, a direct, loving, confrontational conversation is worth it, have it. Sit down and have it. If, like, it sounds like,

Y'all have taken two paths and you're both trying to keep pumping air into something that has been deflated for a long time. Just let it be. Because my guess is you probably were really great friends. Really, really great friends for about 10 years. Really great friends for maybe 15 years. And then you went to college and she didn't. Or y'all both went to college, but you were in the sorority or you had this major. And then you started dating somebody seriously. And then you got married and then you had kids. And if you look back, you probably have been...

going your own way for a long, long time. Both of you didn't want to do what it would take to make new friends, so you tried to keep propping them up. Remember the old days? Remember that? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's margarita night. Whatever. It's just been a... Maybe you've been living as much fantasy as she has, but my guess is this friendship's been over for a long, long time. Maybe it's time you don't have to make a big announcement about it. Just time to exhale and be really sad. Then we'll do the next right thing. I hate it for you, Amy. I hate it for you.

And also, I'm excited to see who you can become and who you can begin to rely on when things get hard without somebody always trying to bring you down. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

All right. It's that time of year when it's getting colder, it's getting dark earlier, and sometimes we just want to stay inside and get cozy. For me, my perfect night at home when it's cold outside is something my family calls the bed pile. My whole family gets under some blankets and we get around a fire and we either read some books out loud or we just watch a movie together. I love it.

Whatever your perfect night looks like, therapy can feel a little bit like that. The time when you can settle in, replenish your energy, and take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year.

Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one big reason why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go down the street to Nashville and talk to Harvey. What's up, Harvey? So my question is, how do I manage and balance my life with a well-paying job and then my personal life and being a husband?

Well, number one, don't ever use the word balance again because it's not a word. It's a myth. It's fake. It's not real. Fair enough. Anytime somebody says the word, like, I need to find balance, I want you to insert the words, I want to ride a dragon. It's not a thing. It's not a thing. How old are you? Okay. I am 27. 27. All right. Tell me what you're wrestling with.

So I've been working in the construction industry for a long time. Here in Nashville? Yeah, yeah. Bro, that's like scratching a lottery ticket at 21 years old. The last six years here have been B-A-N-A-N-A-S, dude. Oh, tell me about it. It's been insane. And so I've kind of climbed the ladder, and I've gotten to a position where I feel financially sound, but I'm...

But I'm starting to feel like I'm spending too much time, too much energy where I'm missing out on the rest of life. I recently got married. She moved in. We're trying to do the whole thing. And then like from a Christian standpoint, I'm trying to understand like when do I keep staying in the battle? And then when do I start looking for something new? You keep cornering yourself with an either or.

Yeah. Like if you can learn at 27 to fight like hell to avoid either ors at all costs. Okay. Because either ors force you to fight something or to run from something. Yeah. And those are never, those are trauma responses are never good platforms to make sound decisions from. Right. So if, if, if, if you don't owe anybody any money, right, let's say you don't owe anybody any money, then it's not a matter of either. I have to stay at this job and be unethical or I have to quit and be homeless.

because I've given myself a third option. I worked really hard to give third option and be like, yeah, I'm just going to walk out. I'm not doing that. And so I always want to create a world where I don't have to find myself in an either or. Okay. That's why politics is so, so it's, it messes people up psychologically because it is a this or a that. And this particular like election that we're having now is, has been, has been dubbed, um,

When this comes out, it will hopefully be over, but it's a either we die or we die, right? That's the two options, basically. And so I always want to avoid that. So at 27, you have a new wife. Do you have any kids? Nope, no kids. Okay. You're making a great living in the construction world. Are you on call 24-7? Tell me about your job.

Um, no. So I, I work more on the front end now. So I, I work with developers and building deals and writing contracts. So I feel like, uh, overwhelmed at times where I'm, you know, helping manage hundreds of millions of dollars and I go home and I'm thinking about it. And I, on the weekend, I can't decompress because I'm imagining what's going to happen during the rest of the week. And the amount of money that,

like my signature holds right now. Like it just, it feels like I am suffocating myself. When have you screwed something up bad, Harvey? I haven't yet. No, no, no. When you were a kid, did you screw something up bad? Um, not that I can think of. Was it your responsibility to make sure mom didn't get mad growing up? Um, partially, yeah. I'm the oldest of four. So I was responsible for, you know, being the leader to my brothers and sister. Was your dad around?

Yeah. Did he practice dadding on you? Uh, yeah, probably. Is he a different dad with your youngest than he was with you? Yes. All dads are right. Yeah. Here's the thing. You're 27. You're, I'll tell you this story. So, um, there's a, when I worked at the universities, it's universities are technically nonprofits. We all laugh at that because we know that they are very much in the profit making business, but they're all nonprofits. Um,

There's a website you can go to where you can find out all the 990 tax returns of all nonprofits in the United States. And so I could find out all 990s list the top 5 to 20 highest paid people at the particular nonprofits. You can find out what your preacher makes. You can find out what people leave these things. So I got on there one time when I was working really hard, 24-7, 365. I just want to see what people made. And I found out what my boss made.

Dude, I got so mad because I think it was double or maybe triple what I was making. And I was working 365 days a year, 24 seven. Yeah. And then out of the blue, he calls me and he's like, hey, I see something special in you. I want you to start coming to meetings with me because you need to learn how these meetings work. You need to learn how to speak CFO, how to speak president, how to start speak board of trustee member. I want you to see this stuff in live, but you're going to sit in the back of the room. You're not going to say anything.

And it was about three to four weeks in of doing this. I just started going to meetings with him and I'd be quiet and not say anything. And I remember thinking on the way home one day, oh God, he earns this money because I was doing, I was busy 24 seven doing tasks. He was under the squat rack. The whole thing rested on his shoulders. Yeah. And he got paid for that weight. Yeah. Right.

And so what you're figuring out at 27 years old is these guys are like, you're going to be a leader someday. And you're like, Yahoo. And you're going to make this kind of money. And you're like, yeah. And now you're learning. Oh God, these people get paid for the weight they carry. Oh yeah. Right.

And you're figuring out in real time why men die sooner than women do. Oh, yeah. I've had that conversation with my wife. I'm like, man, I am sleeping like five hours a day, maybe. And I am understanding what this is going to be for the rest of my life. Okay, that's where I'm calling bull crap, though. From this point forward, it will be a choice you make. Yeah. You don't have to live this life. Yeah. On multiple fronts. Here's front number one. You can just quit.

You've made a whole bunch of money as a 27-year-old. You can go, quote-unquote, follow your passion, which I think is a terrible idea, but you can go do a thing that you want to do. Okay? Yeah. Go knock your lights out. The second thing is you can do nothing. You can keep doing this, and it will – you'll –

increasingly seek novelty from your wife and it'll be tough to come by. Y'all have a kid, try to solve it that way. You'll become one of those little league dads who goes on the phone yelling at construction deals while you're watching a little league game. Like you'll be that guy. Fine. And you'll have a humongous jacked up truck because you think that will bring you peace. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or, or you can become the, what I'm considering like the greatest flex on earth right now.

And that is a leader. Let me put it this way. That same man who told me about the, hey, I want you to start coming to these meetings with me. You know what he did one time? It was amazing. We were having a, he had just started at this university and we were having a big debate. There was five of us in a room and we were fighting and fighting and fighting. I think this, I think you're wrong. I think the president's going to say this. Going around and around and around. It got to be five o'clock, 5-0-0. I had never left work before six or 6-30 ever in my career.

And he's still talking. He's engaged in the fight, but he gets up and he goes over to his desk and he grabs his laptop and puts it in his bag. And he's still like, we're all kind of hot. It's kind of a, a testy meeting. And the other four of us are sitting in the chairs in his office and he puts on his coat and he grabs his bag and he grabs a hat. He always had a hat and he started walking out and the room got kind of quiet. Like, where are you going? And he smiled and he caught it. He's like, oh,

And he had just started working at the university. He's like, y'all don't know me that well. I'm sorry. He goes, I love you guys. And then he pointed out the door and he goes, but I love them way more. Y'all knock the lights out when you come and we'll finish this tomorrow. And he walked out the door. And here's what that gave me. That was not a sense of, oh, I guess he's not invested. That gave me as a young professional, a picture of, oh, that's why he's so good at work because he's that intentional about being good at home. Yeah. Right.

Yeah. And so you make choices. I am going to turn this off. I am going to go see a counselor because I'm 27. I've never carried this kind of weight before. I'm going to keep a journal. I'm going to have an exercise program. I'm going to meet with a group of men at six o'clock over down the street at one of these rad breakfast places here in Nashville. I'm going to do that. I'm going to start it right now. I'm going to start leaning on a group of men. I'm going to be able to say, hey, I'm scared. I'm nervous about interest rates. The stuff's slowing down. You guys have a supply chain issue. I have to have a group of men I can talk to.

Right? Because you don't have a lot of 27-year-olds you can talk to right now, do you? I don't. You're at that weird spot where you have separated from your homeboys, but you aren't 42. Agreed. And you're bloody lonely, aren't you?

I would say, you know, with the work thing, yes. I've really tried to dive into church groups and like I have a group tonight and a group Wednesday with just men that get together. Yeah. And we do talk about it. But hold on. They have to be guys you can be honest with. Yeah. And it takes a special church group for that. Most guys go to church groups and they're so lame or they are wearing their performance pants or they're just there because their wives want them to go. Yeah.

You have to have a table where you sit and you go, and if you don't have that, you can go to 500 different groups and you're going to be lonely at a crowded table surrounded by people that like you. Yeah. I think, so I would, I would say that I do have the opportunity to meet with men that were pretty honest and we, we dropped some pretty heavy stuff together. Good. Um,

I think what I struggle with now too is like, man, I'm trying to talk to these people about, or laying it all on the table. Like I'm scared. I don't know if this is something that I can handle. I don't know if this is something that I can do forever. And I'm hoping that the feeling goes away, but it hasn't. You probably haven't blown something up yet.

It's true. Yeah. It's only after you blow something up and you realize the world doesn't end. That's probably true. You're still trying not to make a mistake. That's probably definitely part of it. And so I want you to rest assured you will make a mistake, a big one. And you'll be embarrassed and you'll get called on the carpet and people will yell at you and you'll cost people a whole bunch of money. And if you put the time in right now, you'll go home and your wife will be a safe place for you to go home to. Your kids will still be happy that dad's home.

You can't add the additional pressure of all the stuff you're carrying. And you're carrying a lot. You're carrying a lot. And by the way, signature, all that, that's just drama. Don't do that to yourself. You know what my signature is worth right now? That's like me walking around being like, you know, I could send a message out to millions right now. I could. I'm not going to. That just becomes me making drama in my own head. It's overinflating myself. I don't need any overinflation. You get what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. So I'm going to be like, do you know what my signature is worth?

Not very much if that's the way I see the world. It's going to go away. Yeah. Yeah. But if you try to add the additional, like, I got to be perfect at this thing, man, that's what's going to bury you.

I think that's definitely where I'm struggling right now. Like, I haven't even thought of it that way, but I mean, up until this point in my career, like, I haven't had one of those detrimental things happen yet. And so I'm trying to be a good steward to a company that trusts me, and I don't want to screw up. So I think that is part of what's burying me. Would that company have hired you if they didn't think you were capable of it?

No. Okay. So in the moments that you doubt yourself, at least trust them that they would not have put somebody in charge of all of this money and resource and time if they didn't believe in that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All of us have seasons of doubt. I have them all the time too, but I want you to really focus on who you are outside of this job. And I tell people all the time, like my personal friends, they know this, this job would have buried me had I got it when I was 30.

Because I would have got so caught up in it. And I got to a point where I was actively working every day of my life to not be a part of this thing. And only then did it happen, which allowed me to hold it really, really loosely, which allowed me to say that extra thing and be fully myself. And that allowed me to actually help people. And so what your company hired is you. And if you can show up and tell the truth at work, I don't think this is a good deal, guys.

Yeah, or I I'll go along with it and I'll sign away this thing, but I think the winds of Construction slowdown is coming or whatever things you wrestle with. Yeah. Yeah, I think so I'll sign it but I'm relying on you for guys cuz I don't that's you just being honest and you being you you being you you being authentic and I know that word gets beat up all the time, but I'm just gonna tell the truth Yeah, and it relieves that pressure and on the backside. Do you and your wife owe anybody anything?

I'm outside of the home and cars now. Okay. Number one, don't be an idiot. Don't take out loans on depreciating assets. You're too smart for that. Pay off your cars today. Can you afford to do that? I can't afford to do it today. Okay. Make that number one priority. Pay off your depreciating assets. They're losing money every second they're around, and you're still paying the same. Okay? That's number one. Number two, I want you and your wife to sit down and strongly consider...

And this is going to go against all the bro wisdom, okay? All the TikTok bro wisdom and all the big truck. Like, yeah, dude, it's going to go against all that. There is something deep and profound when you go to work every day and you know they cannot take my house. Yeah. And so you can invest money. You can like, dude, I'm going to put some stocks. I heard the apples. You can do all that crap. You can speculate on land. You can do all that stupid stuff. It's fine.

Yeah. If you want to be able to get under the squat rack that is senior executive leadership and hold, get under that weight of running the company, of being a senior leader, and know if something goes completely belly up, they can't take my house because it's mine. I go get a job at supermarket and pay the taxes on it. I'm going to be fine. Yeah. Yeah. And it gives you, like right now, your brain would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. Yeah. Yeah.

Because it knows one wrong step, and maybe they're going to take our house. I'm married now. They're going to take my wife's. Right? You see what I'm saying? Your nervous system knows. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's definitely what keeps me up. Okay. Yeah. So I want to begin to solve for peace. Okay. Not for financial gain and not for maximum profit. I'm going to do the spread. Be the one weirdo dude that solves for peace. Yeah. To solve for peace. And in your industry, you know who I want building my buildings? Yes.

The construction dude that is not walking around flexing with with jeans so tight that it's kind of uncomfortable You know the guy i'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got real tight jeans and boots and his truck is 133 000 i'm not impressed by that at all when it comes to construction project. Yeah It's not and so I would tell you get out of that world stay in the world You make a real difference in my community. I'm grateful. You're here

Yeah. But I want you to have peace in your house. And talk to your wife and say, what if in three years we didn't know anybody, anything? We paid off our house. It was small. We lived over in Creve Hall instead of in Oak Hills or whatever. Like we just decided to pay off our house. Yeah. And we're going to just drive regular cars. And then nobody can take anything. That's just solving for peace. That's non-anxious. Yeah. Here's what I want you to do. I'm going to hook you up with something. Okay. It's going to sound kind of weird, but I'm going to hook you up. I don't think anything's wrong with you. In fact, I think you are, you are exactly where you need to be.

But I also think you've got a bunch of voices. Is that fair? Speaking at you? Yes. Yeah. You got your old buddies, your college buddies. They're still like, yeah, bro, dude. And you got all the news and all the bank speculators and you got all the old dogs in the construction industry. You got everybody yapping at you and you got your church friends, yada, yada, yada. Okay. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to hook you up, but I want you to use it. Okay. All right. I want to hook you up with three months for free with better help. Okay. Okay.

All right. And I want you to get online and tell them the exact same thing you told me. I'm 27 years old. I've worked really hard. I'm pretty smart. And nobody outworks me. And now suddenly I found myself at the head of a pretty large construction company in Nashville, Tennessee, where there's gangbusters construction going on. And suddenly I can't breathe. Yeah. Okay.

And I want you to commit to it. And I would tell you to go get a counselor, go find somebody you can talk to. I asked Kelly to pull the data. It's about a 48 day wait period right now. All right. That'd be hard. So I'm going to hook you up and you don't have to like sneak into a counselor's office in Nashville. You can do it. You can do it from your phone. You can do it from your laptop, wherever you happen to be. And you got hotspots. All you guys have hotspots in your trucks. You can do it from your truck. Okay. Yeah. Is that fair? Yep.

All right, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with the BetterHelp guys, and I want you to actually use it, okay? And I'm here in Nashville. Come by and see me anytime, dude. I'd love to hang out with you and grab a cup of coffee here in the lobby. That'd be awesome. For everybody listening, Harvey's not crazy. In fact, he's exactly where he should be. Here's what's happening. He thought this was going to feel different. When I get to be a leader, when I get to be making this much money, when I get to, when I get to, when I get to, and suddenly you realize this is heavy. It's hard. It's scary. Leadership is hard. It would...

They talk about it in school. Like it's like, Oh, become a leader. Dude, leadership's hard. A lot is expected of you. Being a boss is hard. Um, having a signature that can sign for millions of dollars. It's hard. Um,

And people don't talk about that. And you're not allowed to because somehow you're supposed to be so grateful and so lucky, which you are. But man, it's hard. It's scary. And especially you can't go to like tell your buddies, I think you need to go see a counselor. I'm newlywed. I don't know how to do this. I'm breaking away from my college friends. I'm breaking away from my parents. I am making all these changes. Therapy is a great place to sit down and do that. And like I said, there's like over a month, a month and a half wait list across the country right now.

I think what 40 or 50 percent of of mental health professionals have some sort of wait list right now. It's tough That's why i'm telling you guys. Um People ask me all the time. Why are you always talking about better help? Why are you talking about better help? You say you go to a therapist Yes, if you can go to a trauma therapist if you can go go to somebody in person go go but So many people are trying to make a phone call man, and it's hard to get in It's hard to get in it's hard to get in and the better help folks will show up for you man within within 24 48 hours They will be back in touch. Okay, so

Call my friends at BetterHelp. Sounds like a BetterHelp commercial here. Call them. Call them. They'll see you right away. You can go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney, and they'll hook you up with, I think it's 10 or 20% discount, 10% discount for the first month. 10. Go give them a call. Betterhelp.com slash Deloney. Go check it out. But any type of transition, here's what I'm seeing with Harvey, the guys like Harvey, who are amazing young talents. They're quitting.

They're quitting under the guise of I got to follow my passion or they're quitting. I don't love my work. They're quitting under the guise of I can't find balance. All of those things are myths are all bull crap. They're all like 10 years old. Those aren't real things. When you're in your late 20s and you are building something, a career, trust, a skill set.

You just work a lot. I want everybody in their 20s, work like B-A-N-A-N-A-S, work like crazy. You will draft off that in your 30s and 40s and 50s. Work really, really, really hard. And it comes with a lot of grief and a lot of weight and a lot of heaviness and a lot of, I don't know how to do this. And what if I mess this all up? It is awesome to have somebody to talk to.

Call my friends at BetterHelp. Go see somebody. Get a group of men that you trust that you can be honest with and not just say it out loud, but we'll give you some skills to practice. And then ask your wife, what kind of life do we want to build together? What kind of world do we want to create? And don't box yourself into either or conversations. Give yourself three or four or five options. You're the man, Harvey. I'm proud of you. You're building the neighborhoods and the community that my kids are going to grow up in. And I'm grateful for you, my man.

I want you to do the work that you need to do right now in your late 20s so that you can be well, weather the storms, and be a builder, a construction guy of integrity. We need more, more, more men and women like you. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, I'm a founding and the only member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside Club. And yet, I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life basically living on the internets these days.

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All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem or are you the problem? Probably both. Probably you. If we're being honest. Probably you. Probably you. All right, so this is from, she asked to remain anonymous. Ooh, okay. Let's call her Kelly. Sure. Why not? Am I the problem for one? First of all, I would never sit in this room, so we know it won't be me.

Am I the problem for wanting to stick to my special diet when my husband and I are traveling? All right. So that's definitely not you. When we're traveling, all bets off. Yeah, not Kelly. Yeah. Do we know anybody with discipline who's like, no. We won't call her John. No. No. No. No. We'll call her Stacy, just for giggles. Her mom's got it going on. That's what I hear. Yep. All right. Several years ago, I switched to a special diet for health reasons.

Prior to this, my husband of 15 years and I ate pretty much the same way, everything in moderation. He's never been wild about my new diet, but he's become more accepting of it at home as long as I prepare my own food and don't expect the rest of the family to eat the same. The problem is when we travel.

Since most restaurants don't have much food that I can eat, I like to bring a cooler of food with me as well as my blender so I can make my usual smoothies. My husband complains that this is too extreme and ends up inconveniencing everyone else and making it so the trip revolves around my diet. He thinks I should just make do with whatever I can find on the menu and or be flexible and just eat whatever they have out of respect for everyone else.

Normally, I would agree with him, but I feel noticeably worse when I don't stick to my diet, especially after we return home to the stress of daily life. Am I the problem for wanting to do whatever it takes to stick to my diet, or is my husband right that I need to be more flexible? Jeez, that's a tough one. All right, here's my—let me say it like this. There are people who eat a certain way.

And a part of the appeal of eating in certain ways because I just feel amazing, right? I feel great. And there are some people that eat specialized ways as an act of theater. It's a way they enter and exit a room, enter and exit a party. It's their reason for – it's their way to get the world to move around them. And I'm saying this as lovingly as I can, but if you're listening, you either know somebody like that or it's you. Okay, so –

Um, in my house, I don't like to talk about diet and all that, but like I eat very, very few, like almost never eat bread. Okay. Unless my wife makes this rad sourdough stuff. I just don't eat. I don't eat hamburger buns. I don't eat whatever. So when she makes her fancy lasagna and my wife is like greatest cook on the planet,

She just, we've been together for 25 years. She will make part of that lasagna that's just meat and vegetables and stuff. And she won't put the stuff in there. And it's no skin off her back. And in fact, there's no drama about it. She just doesn't, it's just a way she cooks it now.

And I don't throw a fit about it. And back before, I would just get the lasagna and I would pick the noodles out of it. And so it was a low-key, I feel better, I don't snore, my clothes fit better, and cool. And she wanted to be a part of that. And so...

We all have people in our life that are like, hey, I don't eat gluten. It's all good. I'm fine. Don't worry. It's all good, right? And then we all know the, I don't eat glutens. And so, like, we all know that person. Or my daughter, if she eats a peanut, she dies. And so I look at labels now. But it's her that would die, not everyone else. And so if everyone else is doing a thing, it's our job to opt out, not to force our will on the world. I say all that to say this. I have to believe that if she feels noticeably better,

And she is her best version of herself. Her husband would fully enjoy that. If there wasn't the theater of going into a Burger King or an Arby's with a bowl of fresh fruit and do you have any non-organic like... And don't forget the blender. And a blender and like, right? And so that's where I think there's like a both and to this thing. Like...

If you have diets that like, if you're allergic to foods, you don't feel good. Yes. It's your job to plan ahead. So good on you. Can you mix them before you go and put them in a cooler and just take them in, in a straw or put them in a, in a Stanley cup? I can you do that just to be inconspicuous or do you have your own, just walk it into like a Chili's with a, with a cooler and be like, you know where it's a plug and making a, like a shake at, well, the, well, the awesome blossom is on the way. Like,

Is Awesome Blossom even Chili's? No, but that's... Is it Applebee's? No, I think it's Outback, isn't it? Awesome Blossom. Yeah. They're all the same. They're all the same restaurant. Pretty much. It's a Bloom and Onion. It's a Bloom and Onion. It's all the same restaurant. Where does Awesome Blossom come from? Yeah. That's somewhere. Outback. Chili's. Oh, it is Chili's. Look at you. You do know your craptacular restaurants. There is a Chili's Mafia in there coming for you, sister. I made a joke about Chili's once. Rachel Cruz is one of those, so I will hear about that. She loves Chili's? Loves it.

Rachel? Yep. Especially at an airport. Anyway, continue. So anyway, I think there's some both and here. If you have somebody that you love and they legitimately have some dietary needs, be compassionate and kind and go the extra mile. And if you make some choices about dietary needs, minimize the theater. Not everybody needs to know. Do your thing. Feel great and go on about your life. Like both things can be true. Is that fair? 100%.

Thank God. I got to say those people. Dude, if somebody just rolls into an Arby's with a blender and like a just hashtag, just saying, do your thing, dude. Listen, I know some people have glutens. It makes them really sick. A beef and cheddar or two can cure most anything you've got. I love me some Arby's. I'm fine with it too, but I don't think it's going to cure a lot of things. Oh, they got the meats. Kelly. Love you guys. Bye.