I Feel Like I'm Living Two Different Lives
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. On a day-to-day basis, like in my normal interactions with people, like there's no way anybody would know anything's wrong. And I feel totally fine when I'm not actually like gambling. But when I have these moments of weakness, it's always just by myself when I'm just feeling down or alone. It's just, it's not really me, you know? Except it is.

What up? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I think my voice just cracked because hashtag puberty. Hey, dude, I'm so glad you are here. Talking about relationships, your mental health, your emotional health, whatever you got going on in your world. In a world gone B-A-N-A-N-A-S. I'm glad you're here.

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Appreciate y'all so much. Let's go out to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to not so plain Shane. What's up, Shane? Hey, what's going on, John? How's it going? We're partying, dude. What about you?

I'm doing all right. Thank you so much for having me on. You bet. I'm not partying at all. It's like 11 o'clock on a Tuesday. No partying. What's up? Man, John, my question for you is that I just, my gambling addiction is just now kind of beginning to spiral and I'm just ashamed of it and I don't really know where to start and I'm trying to figure out how I break the cycle. Dude, awesome. Appreciate you calling. Yeah. How many times have you said that out loud, what you just said?

This is the first time. Yeah, I've never told anybody about it. It's been kind of just something that's been doing just between me and me. That's the first time I've said that out loud before. I like that you called that out already. There's two different yous, isn't there? Yeah, yeah, there is. And you're starting to lose control of the other one, aren't you?

Yeah, it's crazy because on a day-to-day basis, like just in my normal interactions with people, like there's no way anybody would know anything's wrong. And I feel totally fine when I'm not actually like gambling. But when I have these moments of weakness, it's always just by myself when I'm just feeling down or alone. And that's just, it's not really me, you know? Except it is.

Right, right. Exactly. What do you do for a living? I'm a project manager. Pretty successful? You're good at it? Yeah, I like to think so anyways. Okay. That's often one of the other challenges is that you're good at one part of your life. In fact, you're probably really good at one part of your life and you are absolutely out of control in another part of your life and it's hard to reconcile the two. You start to feel crazy, right?

Yeah. Um, it feels like there's no reason that this should be like happening to me. It's like, I, I have, I've had every opportunity afforded to me. Um, I have great people around me, great friends. Like, um, I, I can't point to like a single trigger or anything like that. Um, and that's just why I feel like really ashamed about it. So a honor that man. Okay. And what we're going to do is we're going to put aside the figure it out stuff for a while.

You're a project manager. That's what you do. And so I'm going to ask you to not use the skill set that you were trained for professionally to solve this problem, okay? Okay. And what you're going to have to do is two things that probably are going to be really uncomfortable for you. 100% they're going to be uncomfortable. Not probably. You're going to attack the behavior. Okay. I'm going to get rid of the internet in my house. I'm going to get rid of my phone. Yeah.

scorched earth whatever you have to do and the other thing you have to do is sit down with other people real people in the real world and say my name is Shane and I'm out of control and I can't stop yeah I don't know another path but I do know is you trying to project manage this thing it's is failing it's not working right okay how deep are you

Uh, well, that's kind of the thing is like, it's, it hasn't gotten to the point where it's like completely consumed or anything. And that's why I really want to try to nip it here. Um, like I'm still afloat, you know? Um, but it's just been a thing that's, that's followed me for the last, um, really since college, like several years. Um, and so when you say you're an addict, what does that mean?

I mean, it's a daily occurrence. Really, any time that I find myself alone, it's something that I am thinking about doing. I take comfort in it. It's just like online gambling, basically. Betting on sports? What are you betting on? It's actually mostly casino games. Okay, sweet. Lots of stuff. I know a lot of my friends have gotten into it, too. Okay. Can't care about your friends at all right now.

I care about my friend Shane. So step one, and this is going to sound radical and people listening are going to drop into the show notes and put a bunch of nonsense. You have to commit right now. You're not going to read the comments. Fair? Cool? Good. By the end of today, I want you to have cashed out your entire Bitcoin purse. All of it. Clear out your exchange. How much do you have in the exchange right now?

I don't have anything in the exchange currently. I just buy and send it straight to the casino when I'm gambling. Okay. What card do you use to buy? It's either a debit card or a credit card. Okay. I want you to cut the card up that you have connected automatic right now. Okay. Yeah. To where you can't use it. I can do that. Yep. Are you on your cell phone right now? I am. Okay. I'm going to have to take your word for it.

If I was there in person, I would make you pull your phone out and delete it all off the phone right now. Okay. I can give you my word that I will do it. Okay. And what we're doing here is we're the alcoholic and we're pouring all of the alcohol down the drain right now. That's just, you got to get it out of your house before you do anything else. Yeah. Okay. And so you say you're not down any, you're still up. Tell me about that.

Well, when I say afloat, I mean, I'm like just treading water, basically. Like I don't I don't owe anybody any money, but I'm not saving any money or doing well for myself at all either. And it is the fault of the gambling. Like I have dreams to buy a house someday and it's not something that's going to be able to happen if I keep doing this. OK. How have you tried to stop in the past?

A lot of ways. You self-exclude, you delete the accounts. Usually what helps me for stopping is I just run out of available cash. And I almost feel relieved once that happens. And...

Every time it's like I'll stop for a week or two and feel pretty good about it. But then I get comfortable again. I start making money again and then the money starts going away again. Okay, here's my question. When you take two weeks off and then you pick your phone up and you have to log back in. Yeah. What is going on in that moment when you blow past everything and you log back in?

It's just like, it does feel like a withdrawal in a lot of ways. No, but something pushes it. Is it an annoying email at work? Is it boredom? Is it just habit? Like, so for instance, I started tracking, why do I keep grabbing junk food? There's two things. One, if I was heading to a meeting that I knew was going to be combative,

Or if I just received some feedback, even if it was from good nature, but if it was just showing I had a deficiency. Hey, I watched your talk the other day. You were standing like this again. Make sure you do this next time. Or, hey, John, you were late to this thing. It was just a way my body floods itself and it was a way for me to numb out that flood.

So have you identified any other, the other one was, it was just there. It was always just right by my desk. There's this woman who always has this candy right by my desk. I just grab it when I walk. It's just mindless. What is yours? Why do you, why do you log back in? There's gotta be a triggering moment there.

I think it's kind of both. Like it is always there. Like I live by myself. My computer is always just sitting there looking at me if I'm not actively doing something. But certainly if I have a negative emotion, a bad day, a difficult conversation with somebody from work or with a family member or something, it certainly inspires me to go to the computer. Okay. So it's a cigarette or it's a Xanax. Right. Okay. Yeah. It's just a numbing agent. It just is going to end up costing you everything.

Right. Have you ever been tempted or have you taken out money yet? The beyond the cash you have? Uh, outside of like, I have used the credit card before. Um, and like, I'm still, you know, paying those off. Okay. So you're not net neutral. Right. How much are you down? Uh, I'm basically breaking even every month. Like I, I get my paycheck, I, um, pay off the credit cards and then restart.

So you lose every month a couple thousand bucks. You get just enough money because you're making a good salary, but you're by yourself. And so you can pay off a couple grand every month. Exactly. Right. How long have you been doing this?

But the thing is it's, it's been kind of involved in my life in one way or another for several years now. Um, I grew up around it. I, I grew up even just in little ways gambling, like whether it's with my friends and poker nights or, um, on the golf course or whatever, but really it's been, it's been bad since, uh, for the last maybe four years or so, three or four years. Okay. 2000 bucks a month, 3000. How much? I'd say one to 2000 a month.

All right. Let's do two because it makes the math more sensational. Sure. It's 24,000 times four. So we'll round up. It's 100 grand. Yeah. That's a house payment. I mean, a house down payment, right? Yeah. That's a car and your kids' first two years of college.

Yeah. And it's crazy when you frame it like that, because like the 50 to 100 bucks a day, it doesn't feel like it. That's right. And it adds up like that. It's just insane. Yeah. And I bet you just lowballed me too. That was a pretty fair number, but sure. Okay. So here's the deal. I wish there was another path forward, but you're going to have to decide that this ends. And God bless you, dude. The number of people I talk to on a regular basis on the radio show that I co-host is

that are 200 in, 300 in, 500 in. You're just 100 down and you've been able to float it because you're single and you have a good job. But you're one bad loss away from needing to borrow some and then that's going to carry over and then suddenly, here we go, we're off to the races. And you know that. That's why you called, right? That's why I'm here, yeah. Exactly. Okay. When we get off this phone, you got to delete the apps off your phone. It may be that you have a friend or a family member that you can call and...

Actually, I want you to do three things, okay? Okay. Actually, three things to start, and then I'm going to add a fourth. Thing number one, as soon as we get off this call, you're deleting all the apps. Okay. Thing number two, you're calling all three credit reporting agencies, Experian. What are the other ones, Kelly? That's off the top of my head. Equifax and Transatlantic or whatever. I can't remember what the third one is. You can call them, and you can put a break on your credit where you can't borrow.

Okay. Can't take, can't take anything out. Transunion. Transunion. That's right. Part two of that. I want you to call and cancel all your credit cards and I don't give a crap about your credit worthiness right now. Okay. Yeah. And here's what we're doing. We're just getting rid of all the bottles out of your house. The third thing is I want you to call a friend or a family member that you trust and say, I'm not all right. I'm getting over my head. Yeah. Do you have somebody you can call? I do. Um, it's going to be hard, but I know. Is it somebody you can meet with in person?

Yeah. Who is it? Uh, my sister. Okay. She's safe. Yeah. She won't beat you up. She'll sit with you. She'll sit with me. Okay. The final thing is before the day is over, you make a call and you find out where the meeting in your local area is and you go tomorrow morning and that's a, that's a full stop. You got to, you got to, you find yourself lying when you find yourself thinking about all the time when you find yourself making these big sweeping commitments and promises and you can't keep promises to yourself and

I want to stop. And it keeps showing up and it keeps showing up and it keeps showing up. And you can't project your manager, project manager way out of it. Sit down across from somebody and say, my name is Shane and I'm over my head and I can't stop. And we're going to walk alongside people. And it may end up, I'm going to turn the internet off on my house. It may end up, I'm going to give a family member, a friend, a bank code. So I can't get on my online bank and move stuff around without this code. And they're going to put it in for me.

So I got to run expenses by that's so much. It's ridiculous. You sit with somebody who's burned through half a million dollars and they're about to retire and they have nothing. And there is no such thing as that's too much. You do whatever it takes. Shane, I'm proud of you. My guess is you got some stuff going back. And my guess is you're real lonely. You're real successful and you're going home to an empty apartment every day and it's lonely. It's hard.

So your adventure here is going to be to find some friends, find some community, find some people to do life with. And it gives you an emergency fund for your life. Let your body rest. And that way, when that boss says, hey, you didn't do this right, or that customer says you didn't do this right, that's fine. Like, I may not have done that job with excellence, but I'm still a person of dignity, right? Those don't get all mushed together. Proud of you, man. Appreciate you making the call. And I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's not about addiction.

per se, but it is about creating a world where your body's got margin to exist in. And often it allows you to build that mindfulness gap before you reach for the thing. It's trying to wallpaper over the feelings and emotions that you have. Proud of you, dude. Now the ball's in your court, man. It's your shot. We'll be right back.

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Go to hallo.com slash Deloney today for three free months. That's hallo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to, well, well, well, my Michelle. What's up, Michelle? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? Excellent. How are you?

I'm wonderful. Thank you so much for taking my call and thank you for writing that book, how to build a non-anxious life. It is an amazing book. Wow. Thank you so much. I'm really grateful that you, uh, that you found some, some usefulness with it. I appreciate that. Yes, sir. I did. I brought it to the total money makeover event last year. You signed it and I read it quite often since then. Very cool. That's awesome. Well, how can I help? How do I support my children?

Alcohol is freely open and available at their dad's house when they go to visitation, when they go to visit him. Two of my children are underage, and it's freely there. It's, hey, let's do jello shots before the kid's birthday party. Hey, let's do margaritas with dinner or whatever. What else? It's freely available. How do I support my children as they're walking through this? How old are your kids? 17, 19, and 21. Gosh, that's so lame.

Not you. It's just so lame that an adult needs the approval of a 17-year-old by doing jello shots. It's just so lame. It's embarrassing for adults everywhere. You know what I mean? Yes, sir. I agree. And here, you can probably hear it. I get very few things I just get mad about, and I get insta-pissed about this because for 20 years, I worked at the university where that 17-year-old rolls in and is devastated.

And it's trying to navigate life with parents who just sucks, man. I hate this for you. All right. So I'm going to be annoying. Oh, let me just back up. What have you tried so far?

Well, there's been several conversations about it. Normally, I'm just trying to support them. To my knowledge, they've never brought anything to me where they've caved. It's just out there and it's available. One of my daughters did come to me around the Father's Day timeframe in 2023, felt like their dad had an alcohol problem. No, really? Geez. I know. Alcohol was never available in the house growing up. They never saw it. It was not readily available.

Their grandfathers on their dad's side were both alcoholics. Therefore, that was something that they were sensitive to. We didn't keep alcohol in the house. That's changed since we're divorced and he's gotten remarried readily available in their house. So I'm just trying to support my daughters, listen to them, talk through the issues that they're facing, and be the voice and the sounding board that they can come to. So...

There comes a moment when he stops being your ex-husband and he becomes an adult male who's offering your teen children alcohol. Yes, sir. Have you reached out to him? I have not. Why not? And that might not be safe. It might just be a war. Why haven't you reached out to him and say, if you offer alcohol, well, number one, I think legally, depending on where you are, he might be allowed to.

You can have alcohol underage if there's a parent present in restaurants in certain states. And so it just depends. Why haven't you reached out to him yet and said stop?

I don't think the conversation would go very well. Um, we aren't, we're, I mean, we're co-parents to the children. We live a good distance apart from one another. So there's very little interaction. Um, he stopped reaching out and asking for the youngest who is under, um, you know, the visitation rules as of now, she graduates from high school in two weeks. And so there's little interaction, um, in that way. Um, I know he would support his new wife, um,

And she's the main one that I hear the stories about. And I know that I would – I'm just the ex-wife. You're the mother of these children. Yes, sir, I am. Right. You're the one that will be burying the 19-year-old if she succumbs to her dad's peer pressure like every 19-year-old on the planet does and has six jello shots and decides to drive home. Yes, sir. You know what I mean? I don't know. I mean –

I get over sensationalized about this stuff because I've buried kids. I've had to call their parents and say, your kid's not alive anymore. And so I, I, my bell curve is so shifted from, ah, it'll be fine. Statistically speaking, it will probably be fine. Yeah. Your daughters are getting a ringside seat to an out of control parent and a not out of control parent. And I hate that for them. That's, that's the world they, it's the world they live in, right? Yes, sir.

And I hate that as well too. I know, I know you didn't draw this up and you're probably still grieving this. Um, I don't know. I told my kids that at an early age, your parents are weird and your dad's unfortunately walked with a lot of teenagers and young adults. And so I have some pretty firm boundaries where other parents who aren't, don't have to talk to a parent and say, Hey, your child's not with us anymore. Might not have, might have different boundaries. Fine. Um,

I would just blow every whistle I have. It's if you offer my daughter alcohol again, I'm going to call who I have to call. And in Ohio, it might not, maybe calling child protective services does nothing, does nothing. And maybe it's just a matter of telling your daughters, I'm going to ask y'all to be strong here. Or it's also- Yeah, we have had that conversation. Okay. And it's also okay to say, I 100% disagree with what your dad is doing. I think it's wrong. And I think it's not right.

Right. Like it's wrong, like legally. And it's not right. Morally, ethically. You know what I'm saying? And that's different than saying he sucks and he's a piece of crap because then by proxy, you're telling them that half of them is, is sucks and is a piece of crap. But you are more than welcome to tell a 17 year old, your dad is not making a good choice.

Those are the conversations that we've had when supporting them. Good. Stay strong. You guys are smart. You can do this. I'm not saying there's not a bottle of wine at my house. I think it was a gift or something like that. That's totally fine. It's not something they're presented with at my house. Of course. And I support them in their tough struggles when they go over there. It's not easy.

And there's also a one-year-old and three-year-old at the house as well too. Because why not? Because why not? Right? Exactly. Here's the other thing. Here's a fine line. It's very hard with a 17-year-old. A 17-year-old, 18, 19-year-old, this is a very mature conversation. Both and is a tough concept for adults to grasp, much less 19-year-olds. Okay? Even though they're technically classified as an adult.

Yeah. But you have to walk a thin line between saying it's against the law. It's not smart and it's not safe. And I hate this is happening. I hate your dad and your stepmom is putting you in this position. And if I ever need to come get you, I will come get you. No questions asked.

Yes. Because I don't. Okay, good. I'll even drive the almost three hours. I'll drive three hours. I'll come get you. I'll get an Uber to come get you and take you to a hotel and I'll come pick you up. I will come get you and I will not be mad.

I won't be, I mean, there's an adult in their life called dad who's offering this to him. Right. And so beating up a 17 year old for doing what dad said is tough. Right. That's a tough, very, just sucks. Um, I won't get mad. I'll be sad. I'll be heartbroken because I want you to be safe, but I love you. I'm gonna come get you and I'll drive you home and we'll listen to whatever music you want to hear. Like they need to know, um, please don't do this. And, um,

I'm never going to leave you isolated. Don't you ever be scared to call me. And that's a tricky thing because for some 18-year-olds, you're like, oh, sweet, cool. And for other 18-year-olds, it's, oh, thank God, right? Yes, exactly. It's, whew. So, yeah, I don't know the legalities of Dayton. And again, 17, 18, 19, CPS maybe, so Child Protective Services, whatever they're called in your area, might be so overwhelmed. They're like, yeah, we're not going to deal with that. We have too many people.

seven-year-olds being abused right now for our caseloads. Again, I just operate in a world where I wish adults would act like adults and you could pick up the phone and call them and say, hey, our 17-year-old and our 19-year-old are uncomfortable that your new wife keeps offering them Jell-O shots before a child's birthday. Please don't offer the kids alcohol until they're 21. But I also know that

There are adults that will then get mad at the 19 year old. You told your mom, I can't believe dude. I thought, so I get it just stings. Um, so making sure your daughters know they can always call. There's never a moment they can't call. You will figure out a way to get them out of a situation. If they need a driver, they need whatever. Here's an Uber card. You always have it. And I'm gonna do whatever I can to keep my kids safe. And, um, even if I look like a jerk doing it, I hate that you're in this situation, Michelle. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

It sounds like you're handling it the best you can, the tools you got. And with the emotionally immature husband and new wife. Adults, if you ever find yourself having to try to be cool to impress a teenager, stop. It's embarrassing. You're the adult. You're not supposed to be cool to a 17-year-old or a 19-year-old. My God, quit. You're the adult. Stop. Jeez Louise, you're going to get somebody killed.

Thanks for the call, Michelle. I wish I had better. Like, oh, just do this. This one's messy. Sheesh. We'll be right back. I cannot shut up about my Helix mattresses. My sister is staying with me this week, and she came down looking this morning like she just woke up from a coma. And her first question was, what in the world is that mattress? And I sang it to her. Hey.

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Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney. That's helixsleep, H-E-L-I-X-S-L-E-E-P dot com slash Deloney. This offer won't last long, so go right now. Because with Helix Sleep, better sleep starts now. All right, let's roll out to Baltimore and talk to Maria. Hey, Maria. Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. What's up?

So my husband and I have been married for three years. It's been a very challenging three years, but we just had a son who's about a month and a half. And my husband expressed interest of being a stay-at-home parent. And I'm just wondering, like...

If this is the right decision for us financially, for the development of our child and, um, you don't respect your husband. Why not? I can hear it. You're trying hard. Just say it. Oh my gosh. I just, I, um, he, he, yes, we are in a super, everything's gotta be delicate world and you're not allowed to just say things. Cause I don't want to sound like,

We have to blow by all of the things you're supposed to say and not say. Get right down to your guts. I can hear it in the way you're dancing around this. I've talked to too many wives who don't respect their husbands. You don't respect this dude. Why? I just don't think he's worked really hard for something he really wants until our son came along. Okay. Stop right there. Stop right there. Have you ever said that out loud before? No. Okay. Thank you for saying it.

You're going to feel a weird mix of guilt and like powerful relief that you put out into the universe. Okay.

Yeah. Three years, it's been hard. In three years, you've been... Do you work full-time? I do. I work from home. And we've had a lot of fun coming up until we got married because life just... There were some really tough challenges. We lost a child at 30 weeks of our pregnancy. We moved to a place where we didn't have... We didn't know anybody.

And we bought a house. So like a lot of, lots of change, lots of change within the short period of time. And now we have another big life event, which is our son and

You know, I remember asking my husband when we were dating, what do you want most out of your life? And he said he wants a family. And my gut says, let's do it. Let's have him be a stay-at-home parent. And I do work full time and I do work from home. So we'll be around each other a lot. But I'm scared. I'm really scared. How far along are you right now?

Um, we're a month. Well, he's here. He's here. We made it. Um, he's a month and a half old and my husband was only able to stay home for two weeks. So, and I'm still on maternity leave. So I've been with my baby practically 24 seven. If you could snap your fingers and stay at home forever, would you, or can you not wait to get back to the office?

I love my job. I have dreamt for the job that I have and I love my son and I don't want to be stuck like having to choose a career over my son because my son's going to win, but we still need money. Right. Right. Um, my husband on the other hand has a love hate relationship with his job and he is very in love with me.

my son, well, our son, sorry, our son, I'm very in love with our son. And so I think it would be very easy transition for him. That does put a lot more responsibility on me in terms of financial and being the breadwinner and being able to manage that. Can I tell you what I think's at the root of some of this? Yeah. Yeah.

And what I'm going to say is going to get a bunch of mean comments on the internets, and I'm okay with that. Okay? Yeah, I don't, it's fine. But mean internet commenters, direct these at me, not at Maria. Okay? Here's what I think. I think y'all are both feeling the reverse of what the world has said. Here's what I mean.

There's a lot of talk out in the world and I'm surrounded by powerful, both academic feminists and employment feminists. That's the world I've inhabited for 20 years, okay? But there's a particular pitch that I want X, Y, and Z responsibilities, professional, et cetera. And you are feeling the weight of the household now that has been largely ignored from men for all these years. Like they just do this, they just go to work.

And there's this, oh my God, you carry the whole thing, right? It's heavy. And on the other side, your husband thinks this is just going to be easier than working. And he is nuts, right?

Yeah, and I kindly remind him of, hey, if you stay home, you're going to feel a whole different type of exhaustion. You're going to feel a whole different type of emotion that you never thought you had. Here's what I think you're scared of, Maria. And if this is what you're feeling, I think you're right because this is what I'm feeling. I think you know as well as I do, you're going to be a full-time mom and a full-time employee at home. Yeah. Because he doesn't work.

He's always complaining about things when they get tired and they get hard and they get heavy. And he thinks he's going to get to just hug his little baby. And it's a ton of work. And if he's staying at home and you're carrying the entire house on your back, then he's got to clean the toilets and take out trash and clean dishes and make meals.

Yeah, the good thing is he buzzed on that already. Yeah, I know, but not all at the same time. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And then here's the deal. In three months, it's like, well, this is a lot. And then what are you going to do?

Yeah. And we, um, we are meeting, um, and a nanny this afternoon to kind of, um, to see what her, her, to meet her and interview her. Um, but essentially his salary would be paying for her to be in the house. That's because, hold on. What does he do for a living?

He's in construction. We'll just leave it as construction. So he works anywhere from like 30 in the morning and sometimes he doesn't come until like 7 o'clock at night.

Um, so he works really long hours, um, and he's very exhausted when he gets home. So right now, I mean, everything's so fresh. Our, our son's only a month and a half, but when I need a break, when he comes home, he doesn't also just have the energy. So he tries to, he'll like suck it up so it can take like an hour to two hour power nap. Um, but I also don't think that's fair for our son or, um,

for the both of us because I get it, we're managing. And we've been very kind to each other throughout this process. Even when I'm a little bit more fire and he's a little bit more water, but even in those moments I'm really heated just because I'm so exhausted, he's just so kind to me. And so it really brings me down to be the same to him. And our son will benefit from it because when we take a moment...

We can then like care for our son and, you know, move on and make it through. Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria, your kid's going to be okay. For real. Stop for a second. Okay. You're a good mom and your kid's going to be okay. I was not anticipating to be so emotional. Maria, your kid's going to be okay. All right.

And I think y'all are being really nice to each other. I don't think you're being very kind because kind is about clarity and clearness. And you're one month into having your entire world blown up. You're supposed to be tired. You're supposed to be snappy. And you're supposed to not know what day it is. Okay? All that's normal.

And I take back what I said about your husband. It doesn't sound like he's lazy. It sounds like he works 14 hours a day. Yeah, he's really, he is a true hard worker. Okay, well, I take that back. I suck for saying that. That was wrong. It's okay. And there's something about coming home and collapsing on the floor and having a newborn babble around and...

pluck your hair while you're just in that staggered state of, I just got home from working a 14 hour shift and there's a newborn here. And my wife just passed out of sleep standing up, right? That's life with a newborn. You guys relax. You're trying to over-engineer this thing. Y'all are okay. Baby's going to be fine. Baby's going to be okay. I mean, it was a challenge for him to be here. Hey, it's a challenge for everybody. Okay. Okay.

And if you can't wait to get back to this work, you're not a bad mom. And if you, a month from now, are like, I cannot hand my baby to a nanny, and I don't want to hand this baby off to my husband, you're not a terrible woman of the 21st century. You're a mom. You get to do whatever you want. Okay? And if you don't respect your husband, he already knows it. He feels it.

And he has for three years. And so if it's time for y'all to have a hard conversation about, hey, I know you like your job or you don't love your job, the time to do something different is right now. So, yeah, you can stay at home with baby and you're also going to get another degree or you're going to get training or you're going to whatever you got to do. But it sounds like the way you explained it, he more wants to not do what he's doing than he does...

like wants to dedicate his life to being the best stay at home dad. If he wants to be the best stay at home dad, awesome. You just have to count that cost. And it sounds like maybe if he can do work 12 hour shifts every day or 16 hour shifts of manual labor, man, maybe he will be able to pull it off. Yeah. He's, he's very confident. And I think it's, I think it's more me than it is him. And I think I need to trust him. And is he trustworthy? Yes, absolutely. Cool. Absolutely.

So, um, I think it's more me than it is him. Here's what I want you to reconcile with. And this is just a conversation you can both have together. Okay. By the way, don't tell me your husband's name. I'm going to call him Dan. Hey, Dan, I said mean things about you early in this call and I take it back. It sounds like you're a pretty great guy. He's so wonderful. He really is. Dan, you're a great guy. Don't come up here and kill me. All right. So,

It sounds like you're trying to hold on to your life, your previous life, and add a baby to it. The life that you had is now officially over. And that's both something to grieve and also pretty amazing because now you get to build whatever you want to next. But if you go down to one income and you had a child and you decide to be the breadwinner, that's just a different weight. It's heavy. And it's going to look different than probably you drew it up.

And you might not be able to drive car X. Or y'all may have to turn the thermostat up two degrees and it's not going to be perfectly comfortable because the electric bill got expensive. Or he may have to be a full-time dad Monday through Friday. And then on Saturday and Sunday, he's got to go work part-time somewhere. Y'all got to figure some things out. Your old life is going to look different than your new life. It's when you try to drag old life into new life, it gets into be a jumbled mess. And so sitting down together and saying, okay, what we had is over. Now we have this beautiful little baby boy.

And we're about to blow the whole thing up. What does that mean financially? What does that mean relationally? What does that mean with everything? And by the way, one month is not the time to have this conversation. Right? Got it. One month is time to survive. Got it. If your husband was to quit his job and be a stay-at-home dad for one month and hated it and the whole house imploded, could he go back and get that job back? Absolutely. They would love to have him back. Okay. Then take it 30 days at a time. Take it 60 days at a time. We're going to try this for three months.

That makes sense. There's no, and then if it doesn't work, we go, cool, that didn't work. Right? I think this is the most kind of validation I've had because I've, you know, I've talked with my friends and everyone's like, oh, you have to figure out what's right for you. And I'm like, but I don't know what's right for me. I don't know what's right for us. Figure out what's right for 90 days. It feels like every decision is the rest of your life. You're a good mom and he's a good dad. Your kid's going to be fine. Mm-hmm.

Make sure you read books to your kid and make sure you feed them. They will be okay. Will do. Will do. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It's one of my great privileges in my life to talk to you. Thank you. Yeah, I was really pleasantly surprised that I was able to get on this show. No, it's awesome. Just know that that silent wait of generations of

Men living quiet lives of desperation, a lot of that originates in carrying the weight of a household and having nobody to do life with. Carrying a house is heavy, and it's an unspoken weight. The same as, but different, taking care of a human being is heavy. It's exhausting. There's so much into it. Yeah. It's every second, right? Yeah. It's all of it.

And this tiny little person needs you. Yes. Depends on you. And you figure that out when like they have to eat. You figure it out when you have to go to the bathroom. You're like, Oh, guess you're coming in here with me. Right. I guess you're going to watch. Cause I got to go. Right. It never stops. Yeah.

Right. Right. And we have animals. So it's like not just baby. It's the animal. Of course you do Maria. Cause you're like, you know what? How can we complicate this further? Yeah. It's both of you deciding what kind of world do we want to build together? And then what do we got to do to make this world a reality? And let's give it a shot for 90 days. There's nothing we can't take back.

And if he's a skilled craftsman, if he's a construction guy, if he's good at, I don't know, cabinetry or tile or roofing or he's a project manager and he can step in and out, dude, perfect, perfect. And there's going to be some reality adjustments with your budget. There's going to be some reality adjustments with the life y'all are used to because it's different. You got a human in there. And you being the sole breadwinner, you're just going to feel like that squat bar. It's heavy. And?

You're going to have friends and you're going to leave the house because if you find yourself nine months from now and all you do is sit inside the house and work inside the house and then have kid inside the house and then be married inside the house, you're going to go stone mad. You got to have friends to go visit and go see. You got to learn how to play golf or go have drinks with nachos, whatever. You got to go be with people that'll help you carry the load. And then he's going to go from being a construction guy to a stay-at-home dad, which is kind of amazing. And if he loves it, awesome. And if he hates it, awesome. We'll figure it out then.

Two to three months at a time. There's no take backs. I mean, there's no not take backs. You can take back whatever you want. You can change. It's good. I'm proud of you, Maria. You're a good mom. You're a good mom. I'm going to send you building an unanxious life. I want you all to use that as your roadmap. Hang on the line. It'll be my gift to you, your new baby gift. And again, tell your husband, give him a big hug. He's going to say a kiss on the neck, but that'd probably be too much from a stranger like me. Just give him a hug. Tell him he's doing a good job. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

So my wife and I were meeting the other day about the back-to-school madness that is about to be on us. We've got my travel schedule, her work schedule, our daughter's new school and clothes and forms to fill out and all these online portals and my son's sports schedule and he's got to have shoes every two weeks because his feet won't stop growing and how are we going to pay for all this and on and on and on.

And when we step back and look at our schedule, it's so packed and we haven't even put in the things like exercise, date nights, counseling appointments, church and holiday trips and big home projects. And these are the things that make life worth living. And I listened to y'all. This is your life too. And here's what I've learned. When it comes to taking care of me, my family and my work, I have to begin with the things that matter most and the things that keep me well and whole so I can wade into the chaos and be sturdy and present and strong.

you too. So as you're planning your upcoming end of summer and fall plans, make sure you don't skip date nights, don't skip regular exercise, and don't skip your regular therapy appointments. Yes, therapy can be hard work, but it can also help make the rest of your life possible.

When it comes to therapy, I want you to consider calling the team at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy staffed with licensed therapists. It's convenient, it's flexible, and it's suited to fit your schedule.

With a good therapist, you can learn things like positive coping skills, how to set boundaries, how to deal with all the chaos going on in your life, and how to be the best version of yourself. In this upcoming season, make sure you put on your oxygen mask first. Never skip therapy day. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.

All right. Am I the problem? Kelly, let's do it. You asked me that almost every episode and the answer is still yes, by the way. Agree or disagree? All right. This is from Lauren in Pennsylvania. I'm a stay-at-home mom of a five and three-year-old and homeschooling my oldest. My husband and I are slowly working through baby step two with almost no margin. We are finally at a place where we are not drowning financially.

When I express the want for regular date nights, he looks hurt and asks if I'll ever be satisfied or content. He works a lot because we couldn't survive unless he does. I consistently feel disconnected from him and drowning in motherhood. I feel like I'm raising our children by myself. Am I being selfish for wanting to sneak away and reconnect without our kids running between us? He says that he would also like to go on date nights but seems relieved when we can't make it happen financially.

I don't think anybody's the problem here. I think it's just a lot. Totally agree. Just a lot. We're trying to get into a safe place financially. We got three kids, always at the house. Mom's lonely. Dad's exhausted. And yeah, when it's framed as I need a date night, that goes into his, it's another chore for him. It's another shift versus, hey, honey, I want you. I miss you and everything.

I want to be with you. That's a totally different proposition. And would it help maybe if they could – could they get someone to watch the kids, family member, whatever, and then do something free or really cheap? Go to the park and walk around. I mean there's a million free date things you can do. Would that take some of the pressure off if he didn't feel like I have to work so many hours just for us to do this thing?

date night thing. It would be awesome if money wasn't an object and he got to really focus on constructing romance. She's curating the lives of these kids every day. She's doing homeschooling, mothering, all that full-time stuff. It's chaos everywhere. It'd be really awesome if he made a phone call to get a babysitter and he made dinner reservations or just went to go play at a park. Go walk around the park together. That would be awesome.

And he's working 20 hours a day, sleeps four hours a night to try to keep his family afloat. He's looking at the same. So somebody has to say, I'll make that call. Right? It's hard. And when you don't have any money, you really find yourself in a place like, I'll trade with, like, can we trade? Yeah, I'll watch your kids this weekend if you'll watch my next weekend. That's right. But yeah, neither of them are wrong. They're just tired and done. They're tired.

They just need to probably have a conversation. Yeah, that goes back to the choose reality. Here's the world we're in right now. And here's what I want. I miss you. I miss you. I want you. I desire you. In the pockets of time, of money, of what does connection look like right now? It's not going to be this way forever, but for six months, it's going to be kind of like this. And then what if you took one night off from Ubering after you got done with your full-time job?

We just went for a walk in the park and held hands and made out in the car. We do that, right? Like let's just slowly figure out these little pockets of reconnection. Be intentional about it. Put on the calendar and it's not what Hollywood drew up, but it sure is awesome. Sure is awesome. All right. Love you guys. Stay in school. Be nice to each other. Bye.