Husband Left Me So He Could Smoke Weed
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Coming up on the Dr. John Deloney Show. A few months ago, I found out that my wife was pregnant and we're expecting our first child. I also am about to have to do chemo again. I don't know what to do. Here's priorities number one. You're about to have a baby. Congratulations. Well, you're about to be a dad. I want you to be around to walk that girl down the aisle. What up? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful you've joined us.

So glad that you're here. We're talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life, your madness at work, whatever's going on. So grateful that you're here. If you want to be on this show, shoot me an email at johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. I guess it's not really an email. You fill out a form and it goes to the goddess.

The queen, Queen Kelly, as she makes us call her. And I mean, that's what her old English tattoo across her back says. Queen Kelly with a big like queen of spades. It's pretty awesome. Man, can we just say I'm still bummed. This weekend was our company's annual Battle of the Bands. It's pretty amazing. Me and Ben, we brought the thunder.

We did. We lost miserably. Okay, y'all, they were so amazing. I don't understand how they lost. I don't because they were, y'all, y'all were awesome. It was so much fun. It was devastating. The best part of it was that Taylor was there and she came out of like the little mosh pit area. She couldn't even come to work today. That's how hard she rocked. I sent a note yesterday to Will and I said,

I'm hoarse. I can hardly speak. My feet hurt and I'm exhausted. That's a good night. And some of your tattoos have rubbed off. Glad you had fun. Yes, I am glad you had fun. It was good to see you screaming.

It's not good to lose, Ben. It hurts. It hurts bad. We had a streak for a while. We did. But lucky for, forget all the rest of those bands. We've got a middling podcast YouTube show that we run. Booyah. How do you like them apples? And I just said booyah, which is embarrassing. Where'd that come from? The pit of despair. It's the pit of despair. 90 something along with our Limp Bizkit cover. All right, let's go out to McKinney, Texas and talk to Jeffrey. Hey, Jeffrey, what's up, man?

Hey, how's it going? Good. How's your Cowboys doing? I'm not a Cowboys fan, unfortunately. Atta boy! Atta boy, Jeffrey. I actually don't like football at all. I'm a hockey fan, so Dallas Stars all the way. All right, well, this call is over, so I hope you have a good week, and I wish you the best. I'm just kidding. What's up, man? Oh, man. I don't even know where to begin. I've had a...

pretty crazy last few months. Um, cannonball baby, just jump right in the middle of it. Awesome. Um, basically, uh, I, uh, I, you know, I'm formal, formal military. I got out of the army in 22 and, uh, became an electrician for a year. And then, uh, after that, we, my wife was finishing college and we had to move to Frisco for the, for her to finish her school. And, uh,

That's when I decided to utilize my GI Bill and go back to school or go to school and get a degree in business administration data analysis. And I'm about halfway through college right now. And about two months ago, I found out that the lipoma that they removed from my leg was actually cancerous. Man, I'm sorry.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, it was a crazy situation. We all thought it was a lipoma, and when they pulled it out, it was just a ball of cancer. Have you had cancer before?

Oh, yes. Yes. Sorry. So the reason why I got out of the military was because I had testicular cancer. Okay. There you go. And they think at first they thought it was the second cancer was a different type of cancer, but they sent it to Washington and had it had a second opinion.

And it was, uh, it's possibly a continuation of my testicular cancer. So, uh, originally I thought that it was a much worse situation. Um, but now, um, it seems a little brighter, uh, but,

Unfortunately, we're looking at chemotherapy again. And that's where everything kind of is crazy. I'm a full-time college student. I was working.

And, uh, my job was kind of affecting my schooling. Uh, I had to get up at three o'clock in the morning, um, every day and go to work and then try to fight the sleepiness afterwards and do school and, and all that stuff. So my wife and I made the decision to, for me to stay home from, uh, and do school full time.

Um, and this was before I found out that I got cancer, but, um, now that, oh yeah, a few months ago I found out that my wife was pregnant and we're expecting our first child. So, um, that's a huge up, but, uh, that puts me in a little bit of a predicament because I feel like as a man, like I need to be

providing and stuff for my family by having a job and saving up more money than we are saving now. But I also am about to have to do chemo again, possibly, and I don't know what to do necessarily. My heart says I should push through it and obviously stay in school and

also work and go through chemo but I know that last time like they wouldn't even let me work I couldn't work when I was going through chemo so okay just stop right there then you got all this stuff just just looping and looping and looping and looping in your mind okay and you also know truth you want to do a bunch of stuff and a bunch of stuff isn't possible at this particular moment in your history cool

Period. At the end of that sentence, or as Jocko says, good, let's go on to the next. And any choice to go back to, yeah, but I want you and I feel it is a choice to be miserable and unproductive in the present. Does that make sense? Yes, sir. Got a lot going on. Here's, here's priorities. Number one, you're about to have a baby. Congratulations, brother. You're about to be a dad. Just exhale on that for a second. Yeah. Okay. Girl or boy. Do you know yet?

Yeah, we actually just found out Saturday it's a girl. Congratulations. It's going to change your life, dude, in transformative ways. Yeah. Okay. Number two, I want you to be around to walk that girl down the aisle. Yeah. So we're playing a 20-year game right now, a 25-year game. We're not playing a, but I feel like right now, I don't care about right this second. I care about 25 years from now. You walk that girl down the aisle, okay? Yeah. So your health has to come first.

Absolutely. Number three, do you all have enough money to eat right now? Oh yeah. Do you have enough money to keep your home or your apartment wherever you all live right now? Yes. Okay. And that's, that, that's a, another thing. It's, it's not like I'm not bringing any income into the house. I'm the, the GI bill. I get paid to, to go to school essentially for like housing and whatever I need. Okay. So I'm going to challenge you. Okay.

The other thoughts you're having about masculine is nonsense. It's a way to distract you from the challenges you have in real life, which is you got a baby coming and you got cancer and you got cancer treatment. All this other Googling and watching YouTube clips and scrolling on reels and learning, here's what real men do. It's a choice to not focus on the life you have right in front of you. Stop. It's the least masculine thing you can do to opt out of reality.

How much more schooling do you have? I'm not sure. I'm about halfway through, I would say. So have you gone to meet with your advisor, your academic advisor, and let them know what's going on? No, I don't think I have one. I promise you do. You just haven't gone to see him. Yeah. What school are you going to? I go online at the moment. Okay, I promise you. I guarantee you, you have a...

academic advisor, guaranteed. Okay. I've worked at multiple universities. You have one. I want you to get online and find out who your person is and call them. I also want you to find out how many hours you can take and not lose your GI benefits. Sometimes you can drop all the way down to three hours. Sometimes you have to keep a, what would be classified as a full-time load, which is nine or 12 hours, depending on what program you're in.

Okay. Okay. And you more so than any of us, you know how you felt and how you were able to think and operate last time you went through chemo. Right. It's a pretty good judge of what's going to be like this time. And so if you think, no, I can sit, I can sit online, I can sit on a couch propped up and the day I get chemo and the day after I'm, I'm, I'm out. But after that I can read, I can do what I need. Then great, man.

And if you can't, then call your academic advisor and say, I need to take a medical leave of absence because I've got cancer and I've got to go through treatment. And they will take care of you. Yeah. Okay? And I want you to hear what I'm doing. I'm just making a list of the things that I can control in my life and I'm knocking them out one at a time. I'm going to stop just sitting and spiraling and spiraling and scrolling and scrolling and spiraling. I have no doubt in my mind that you'll be a great provider for your family. You already are.

But sometimes providing is we're, we're staying over here in a small hut while I build this home. And right now I'm working on the foundation of the house. That's what you're doing. Going to school. You're building a foundation of a home. That's not, not providing. You get what I'm saying?

Yeah. I, I needed to hear that. And, and a lot of, I got my family members telling me one thing and then, uh, you know, I got my life group telling me another and the life group is, is basically on where your, where your stance is. And, um, so,

A lot of my family is like, oh, you need to get a job. And this is probably before the chemo and all that stuff. I don't know what their stance is now, but... Here's the deal. They don't get a vote.

I love my mom and my dad more than life itself. They're amazing. My mom has a PhD. She was a college professor. My dad was a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator, and now he is a professor. I love them, and they're both brilliant. And they don't get a vote into what me and my family need to do, what our next right move is. Because my mom and dad have never lived my life.

I do call it and ask for wisdom from both of them on particular issues or subjects, and that's awesome. But my dad hasn't had to live my life. My mom hasn't had to live my life. And I don't want to put him in the position of having to steer and guide and drive things. I want him just to be my mom and dad. I want him to be cheerleaders on the side. Yeah. They're not out here running routes for me. You know what the next right move for you is. Fair? Yes, sir. Okay.

And sometimes when mom gets to talking, well, you know, you just need to just, you can pull the phone away from your ear a little bit and let her just get it out. You know what? That's probably her way of saying, I love my Jeffrey. And I don't know how to say it any other way other than to tell him what to do. I love him. And your old man, when he's giving you wisdom and advice, you know, you should probably, he just imagined him saying, Jeffrey, I love you. And I don't know how to say those words. And so I'm just going, I'm just going to give you the next best thing I got, which is what I think you should do.

Yeah. He's just trying to love you. He's not a bad guy, probably. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay. And then we're going to go do the next right thing. You've also surrounded yourself with people who are not walking in your shoes and you're outsourcing what you know to be true. Are you a good man? I mean, yeah, I would say so. Do you treat your wife with dignity and respect? Oh, yeah, 100%. Did you serve your country? Yes, sir.

You're a good man. Do you treat the waitress at the local diner with dignity and respect? Yes, sir. Okay. Do you tip well when you got it? Yeah, when I got it. Okay. Then I want you to start a new adventure in your life, which is trusting Jeffrey. You and your wife are co-creating the world y'all are going to inhabit. Y'all are making this road together. And you do need some outside voices that you can check in with. I'm not saying go at this alone, but I'm saying I want you to limit those voices.

And if you've got a life group, I want you to get three or four men that you trust, that you run stuff by. But you get to say, I've got chemo. I can't do this. And by the way, any college professor on the planet will work with you. If you say, hey, I've got chemo tomorrow. And so it usually wipes me out for 48 hours. I won't get this paper in. I'm going to need to turn it in the following week. I don't know a professor in the country that wouldn't go, fantastic. You let me know.

Right. That means you got to advocate for yourself and you probably like to hide all of your flaws and you think I'm, you're weak. If you ask for help, stop, stop all that nonsense. Do what's best for you and your family right now. Okay. Ask, seek support and help. Just like you did on this call. Is that fair? Yes, sir. All right. And if you have to take a pause on your education, take a pause in your education, man. And by the way, if your wife has to take a semester off and go get a full-time job, that's part of being a married partner.

Oh, she's a teacher now. Okay. Well, and she's going to have to get some time off because she's about to have a baby. Yeah. Okay. Cool? Yes, sir. Here's what we're going to do tonight. I want you and her after you put – do you have any other kids? No, this is the first one. Great. I want you all to turn all the TV off, put your phones away, and you all look at each other, and I want you to say these words. Honey, will you help me make a control what we can control roadmap? Because I feel like I've been spinning out on you, and I'm sorry.

And she'll probably just start sobbing or she'll be like, what'd you do with my husband? And then I want you to write on there. I got cancer. I got chemo coming up. Okay. Here's what I know about last time. Here's what we can control about this. Number two, here's our actual financial situation. Hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with the best budgeting app on planet earth. It's called every dollar. I'm going to give you the premium one for a year. It's my baby gift. And you and your wife can use that to keep day to day, minute by minute tracking of your money together. Okay.

Yes, sir. You're all going to have to worry about it. You're all going to be on the same team together, making a budget and sticking to it. Okay, we can control that. Number three, and we're just going to go down the list, man, and then we're going to make a checklist, and you're out of the military. I know you can keep a checklist, right? Oh, yeah. There you go. And get off the stupid internet, man. Stop Googling what is masculine. Masculine right now for you is surviving.

It's finishing school. It's building a foundation of this home. You're going to look up in 10 years. You're going to have two or three little knuckleheads running around. You're going to be cancer free and you're going to have a six figure job, six figure job. And you're going to go build that. Okay. Yes, sir. Is that fair? Absolutely. Awesome. I'm proud of you. Thank you very much. I'm glad your cancer is, it's not, it's, it's not, uh, as bad as they thought. Uh, I mean, before they thought I had a, uh,

It was basically like, I call it old man cancer, which is an undifferentiated pleomorphic sarcoma. And usually those spread really fast, but I had it for a year and didn't know. And then when they got the second opinion, they found out it was just the germ cell tumor that was related to the testicular. Still aggressive, but not 90% treatable. Will you do me one more favor?

Yes, sir. It's not a favor for me. It's a favor for you. I want you to write Jeffrey a letter and I want you to say, dear Jeffrey, and I want you to address the fact that you're struggling with trusting your own body because your own body is trying to kill you. Yeah. I want you to tell your body that you're pissed off at it and you're frustrated with it because you've treated it right and you've worked out and you stayed in shape and you've tried to do all the right things and it's trying to kill you. But I want you to get in the driver's seat of that conversation. Okay? Okay.

Yeah. Yeah.

We're going to work with our bodies. We're going to do the next right thing. We're going to get our healing. We're going to do what the doctors say to do, and we're going to move on. By the way, don't read the YouTube comments on this. There's going to be a bunch of people telling you to do green juice enemas and stuff like that. Just do what your doctors say and go on to the next right thing. Is that cool? Yes, sir. Okay. Make peace with your body, the good and the bad. Absolutely. We're going to control what we can control and go make it happen.

It's been an honor getting to talk to you, my brother. Appreciate you. Thank you very much. All right. Call anytime, my man. Yes, sir. Everybody else will be right back. Hey, it's Deloney from my friends at Helix, makers of the best mattresses in the universe. Listen, I've slept everywhere and on every type of mattress surface imaginable. You name it, and I've tried it. And my sleep on the Helix mattress has been transformed. I'm achieving newer levels of deep, deep sleep.

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Hey, good folks, let's talk about hallow. All right, I say this all the time. It's important to get away for times of prayer and meditation by yourself with no one else around. But one thing you might not think about though is maintaining a sense of community when you pray or meditate. And this is especially if you don't consider yourself religious, if you question things, or if you've been burned by a church experience in the past, it's hard to want to get together with other people. And that's another reason why I love hallow.

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three free months of the app when you go to hallow.com slash Deloney. Go right now and change your life. All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to Darla. Hey, Darla, what's up? Hey, John, how's it going? Thank you so much for having me on the show. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on?

Well, my husband and I have been married coming on to nine years here in October and, um, it's been a great marriage, but, um, in about the last year or so, he had a traumatic event happen in his, in his life. His dad passed in a, in a horrific way and he had some trouble handling it. So he, um, uh,

smoking weed. And I'm like, you know, this is a difficult time for him. He's an adult man. He can make this decision and I'll support him and I'll be there for him because it was like absolutely a horrible time. What happened? His dad had a heart attack, had triple bypass surgery, fell into ICU psychosis and started like death.

begging for him to take his life he was like please take my life like i that was the last conversation that he had with his dad so it was left on these you know these bad memories of the last days and um so yeah it was and it was a really difficult time and he started taking up smoking and it did seem to really reduce his anxiety and really help him get through this time

And then, you know, a few months pass, we have an international move and he starts taking up more smoking. And over the course of a few weeks, I see it change behavior a little bit. You know, it starts going from anxiety reducing to this is starting to like cause him to be paranoid and more angry than normal and not act like himself. So I ask him, hey, you know, um,

I'm also worried about your lungs. Do you think that maybe you could take a break for just a week?

And he stops for a week. And, um, and I was so grateful for that. And he's like, Hey, you know, you were really right. It was affecting my behavior, my mood. And, um, it almost felt like I was flipping in psychosis. He told me, and I was like, Oh my gosh, that's terrible. I don't want you to have to slip into psychosis. I'm so glad that, you know, that you're enjoying this break. And then, you know, the week passes and I was sort of hoping that, you know, he would

consider quitting considering that it was from his feedback a positive change to stop but he continued and he continued smoking a lot more so we're talking you know it was like

one joint a day to like three or four every day. And this is when like fights start coming up and then we start having the same fight where, oh man, it's just these little things. Like we were trying to find this house and we looked at it and, um,

We loved it. It was a cool house. And, you know, as we're driving to go get lunch, I kind of make this comment. I'm like, you know, I love the house, but I don't know what you think about that exterior color. I didn't really love that. You know, I'm just like talking about an exterior color of a house. It's like, you know, and he gets super mad. He's like, you're so negative. Are you pointing out this exterior color of a house? Is that a change from how he normally would have been?

Not really. Normally he's not really like on edge. He's willing to have conversations. That's what I mean. Like a couple years ago, if you had made that same joke, would he have just laughed it off or knew that you were just playing? Yeah, exactly. So like we had that connection where you can just kind of, you know, it's like your best friend. You can just talk about anything. So where are y'all now? What's the situation now? How can I help?

Well, currently we're separated. Oh, wow. Okay. Did he move out on you or did you kick him out?

It was a little bit of both. I started getting really frustrated with these recurring fights and walking on eggshells. And at the time we had recently relocated and we were kind of displaced and living in our camper van. So the plan was we're going to live in our camper van and find a place to live. And then we had this house sitting gig and I was like, you know, he kept having this fight. So he grabbed his stuff. He was going to go live in his van, but then not,

Half an hour later, after this big fight, he moved in with his friend. He's also using drugs and he's also going through a divorce. And that worries me because it's not a great influence. And then he kind of just abandoned me. He took the car. He left me at this house sitting gig and I was left to like find the car by myself and just

get an apartment. He didn't really check in with me, which was also unlike him. And I just moved into my new apartment. But yeah, he just hasn't been a friend, you know, like even if we're divorcing, like after you've been together for that long, you kind of hope that it can be amicable if it really just doesn't work. And, you know, he's made the decision to just not want to change his habit or something. And, you know, at

Yeah, so I'm just kind of on my own. So are y'all divorcing? Or what's the plan? Or I guess there's not really a plan, huh?

Well, he was apathetic for a while. He was like, you know, he was just not wanting to talk to me. I'd reach out to him and he would just not text back. And then I became kind of apathetic because I was like, well, if you're not talking to me, I'm not talking. And then just a few days ago, I said, Hey, I need some clarity. What is going on? And he just goes on this whole thing of like, we're definitely divorcing. Um, if I want to like ruin my life and make that decision, um, then I'll make that decision. He was like saying stuff that wasn't

It didn't make sense to me. And he would say like, you're my best friend and soulmate. And if it doesn't work with you, it'll never work with anyone else. And I'll never get remarried. And he was going into this like almost self-destruct mode. And I like, absolutely. I want to respect the decision. If he's like, I don't want to try anymore. Cause I've given, um,

I sent him a message and I said, hey, I want to try. Let's get better at communication. Let's work on this. And that wasn't received well at all. He just ignored the message. So here's the deal, Darla. He's not on the phone right now. So the only person I can talk to is you, okay? Yeah. And this has to be heartbreaking. You lost your father-in-law and then you just watched your husband just kind of disappear on you, huh?

Yeah, exactly. It was really sad because it's not like him. Hold on, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on. It is like him because you're watching it happen. And the more you keep repeating, it's not like him, it's not like him, you separate what's actually happening in real time from this fantasy you have about him. And you have to live in reality. Has he struggled with mental health challenges before?

Yeah, I think so. Sorry, that hit me really hard. You're right. Well, you know excessive and heavy marijuana use can exacerbate psychosis. I mean, there's all kinds of studies out there. We know that. But here's the hard part. You can't make him stop. Yeah. And he can choose to burn everything to the ground, and I'm sorry that he's choosing that. Yeah.

My friends are like... Hold on. I don't care what your friends say. I want you just to sit with me for a second, okay? Sorry. You're using a lot of talking and circling and texting to try to wallpaper over how much this hurts. I want you just to sit for a second. Your husband just left. Yeah. I'm sorry. Yeah. Are you in an apartment right now? Yeah. I just... I found this new apartment and... Do you have enough money to live in that apartment? Yeah.

Not really. Okay. I'm just getting started here, but, um, have you signed a lease? Yes. Okay. Then here's the, here's the deal. You have to make sure that you're okay. Cause he has abandoned you. And I'm telling you this cause I love you. Not cause I'm trying to be a jerk. Okay. Yeah. But before the day's over, you got to go get two jobs and they're not going to be great jobs and they're, and they're going to be working for the man. They're not going to be this freewheeling living in a van life that you'd imagined, but you got to get, I don't want you to get a, a,

I don't want you to get kicked out of your apartment for your inability to pay. I don't want this thing to get any worse for you than it already is. And your husband of a decade just bailed on you. I also don't want you to not be able to eat and not have a place to live. These things spin out of control really, really fast. True. Okay. Where are you working right now? Well, um...

I need to find something like as soon as possible. I'm just in just this last Saturday and that was my plan. I was like Monday, I'm just going to go apply for anything and everything I can find. Yes. And listen, this isn't forever and this is not dream jobs. It's not about passion. I don't care about any of that stuff. This is about survival. Yeah. Okay. You're also living in one of the top two or three or four most expensive places in the United States.

Yeah. And it may be that this is very, very short term because you're going to have to move to a place where you can survive because your husband has abandoned you. Yeah. And I'm saying that over and over because I want you to internalize that. If it was safe for you. No, my brain is going like, no, it can't be true. Like my brain is just going like. I know, I know. You know? I know. But this has been happening, this has been going on for a year, right? Yeah.

Yeah, just, you know, he took it up and I feel like he actually fell into psychosis and the people that know him also are saying that. And I just, it's kind of like abandoning somebody in their darkest hour or something. Like he abandoned me because, I mean, it feels like he really is psychotic at this point. But like, I feel like I'm abandoning him also because like I want to help him get out of that, you know? Yeah.

because I made that commitment to him and I don't want to watch him like get into this psychosis and make these decisions that seem nonsensical, you know? I get, I 1000% get that. And I'm with you. I would go and I'd go to hell and back to get my wife, but you can't be untethered, meaning you have to be anchored into something. And right now you don't have a place to live. You don't have a home. You don't have food. You don't have a water.

Yeah. And so the most important thing you can do is to anchor yourself into something that is sturdy so that you can go get them if that's the way that works out. Yeah. So I want you to go get two jobs. And one of those is going to be all day. One of those is going to be into the night. Throwing boxes at Walmart or Costco or Sam's somewhere. Yeah. Okay? And then once you get your feet underneath you and you look at the math and you say, okay...

I can afford to exist, then he's got a place to come home to that's not a van. That's not somebody else's house that you're house-sitting in. Yeah. He doesn't have that. And you're going to have to go with several other people because you've tried. You've tried to talk to him. You've tried to love him. You've tried to reason with him, and none of those things are working. And it might be if he's breaking the law that calling the police saves his life. It might be that calling the local mental health services saves his life.

But I want you to hear me say something really clearly, okay? He's not doing this because of something you've done wrong or something you didn't do enough of, okay? Yeah. You didn't mess up. Sounds like he loves you to death and he's hurting real bad and then he's sick on top of it. Yeah. Is that fair?

it makes sense. I mean, he's even said that himself. He would have these really like adamant, you know, stances on like wanting to divorce and stuff and saying all these things. And, and then later he'll text me and say, Hey, sorry, I don't know what's going on with me anymore. And I'm not feeling well. And like, he'll kind of admit that it will be like a moment of clarity that he'll have. And then I'll try to,

I get excited because I'm like, oh, he's sort of realizing what's going on. And then I'll try and text him back and try and talk to him. But then he's just not. There are a ton of nonprofit inpatient places in Los Angeles, California. If I were you, I might research a few of those and see if they're willing to take somebody. And during one of those moments of clarity or lucidity, if you said, hey, I'm going to come pick you up, maybe he would go with you.

Yeah. Or if you and a couple of friends went to pick him up, but he's going to have to go from there to a treatment place. Yeah. Okay. But right now he's not on the phone. You are. And I want you to make sure you're anchored in somewhere. Okay. Yeah. That makes total sense. I got to just get some stability and stop living in this like dream world of denying that this happened. And let's stop texting.

So much gets lost over text. And if he's not in a good place, he's going to read your text. And who knows how his body is hearing those words that you've typed to him. If he texts you, I want you to call him. Just pick up the phone and call him. Yeah. Or send voice messages at the very least. Okay? I want him to hear your voice. I want you to say his name over and over and over again. Overly repeat his name, okay? Yeah. It will give him a little bit of rehumanizing, okay? Yeah.

and listen we're thinking long term here right now he's left you he's left you so we're going to go into survival mode or four walls we're going to get a place to stay we're going to have food we're going to have our electric and water and got to have a phone these days and we're going to get transportation that mean you have to have a car but you got to be able to get to and from where you're going to go well that's uber or whatever that looks like public transit whatever that looks like wherever you happen to be we're going to anchor in a little bit and make sure we can pay our bills

And then we're going to go get him. Or we're going to make peace with Los Angeles, California. It may not be the place for me long term if he chooses to be gone forever. We're also going to make some phone calls and see if there's some inpatient places you can play for people who don't have any money. And I know Los Angeles has a significant, that's where a lot of folks go who struggle with addiction, but they got a lot of resources out there too if you can get plugged in with them. Hopefully someone's checking the show notes. If you know of some places, people who are listening, put them in the show notes there and Darla can check them out.

Let's put on our oxygen mask first right now. Let's live in reality. Let's make sure we're anchored in and then we can decide what we're going to do. So sorry this has happened, sister. So sorry. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney here and I'm going to tell you about Merrick Health, the premier health optimization platform that exists in the universe. They're

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It's time for both of us to choose reality. And that means it's time for us to step up and take personal responsibility of our health. Head to MerrickHealth.com slash Deloney or use code Deloney at checkout to get a 10% discount on the core package or the all-in package. That's Merrick, M-A-R-R-E-K, health.com. All right, let's go to Quebec, Canada and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?

Hi. How's it going? Can't believe I'm on your show. I can't believe you called on my show. What's up?

I was calling because my partner and I have been together about 23 years now. We've never gotten married or anything, but we've been together 23 years and it seems like we're kind of growing apart and he doesn't seem to see it. I don't know. So I just don't know what's going on and I don't know what to do. How come you've been together a quarter century? You never got married?

Well, I was never someone that like really saw their wedding as like, like I wasn't that girl that grew up and like saw their wedding and was like wanted to wear a wedding dress and all this or anything like that. We did get engaged, I think like two years in or that sort of thing. But yeah, we just never went through it. That's a 19 year engagement, man. That's a long run. Yeah. I don't know Canada's,

um what we call in the states the common law laws yeah do you have a claim to things if you've been together for 25 years or 23 years but you've never been officially married um i'm not sure exactly they seem to be um i don't know it's kind of vague as to what i think it's whatever you came into the relationship with is yours but what happens if y'all like buy a house together if you've got equity in something or y'all both bought a car together

Then you split it. Okay. So tell me why you think you have grown apart and he doesn't seem to believe you've grown apart.

Um, well, I don't, not that he doesn't believe it, but I think he's just sort of ignoring it. Um, well, in the last 23 years, we've gone on vacation like every summer and that, and we've only ever gone on two vacations that I would want to go on. The rest are always camping. Um, so he doesn't really take my opinion into consideration for anything like that. Hold on, hold on. But you've let this happen for 23 years. Yeah. Yeah.

Help me with that. I mean, you're blaming him for something that has just been the way y'all function. Yeah, pretty much. It's just been the way we function that we've always gone camping. That's always what we do. So that's always what we do. And like, no matter how much I complain about it, it's just like, well, we're going camping, but you still go camping. You get what I'm saying? You still go camping. Well, I actually, this year I didn't go. Yeah. There you go, Emily.

Okay. Yeah. This year I said no. Like I went last year and it was absolutely a shit show. It was horrible. Okay. And I said no. I said I'm not going this year. So he went with our kids by himself for a week. Okay. And when he did go, I almost kind of realized that I didn't really miss him. I missed more my kids than anything. Okay. How else are you growing apart? Like we don't go on dates or anything like that. Did you used to? We used to, yeah. Yeah.

There's something heavy sitting on your chest. What's underneath all this? Well, I was diagnosed bipolar a little while ago. And I've always suffered from anxiety and depression and that throughout my life. But I was just diagnosed bipolar not too long ago. So I've started different medications and things like that.

And I've bought books. As soon as I find out anything about anything, like when I had kids and stuff like that, I just delve into reading and researching. So as soon as I found out I was bipolar, I totally reached out, looked for workbooks, looked for books that I could read. I even got yours, like Living a Non-Anxious Life.

So I've been reading into it and I even found books that are like living with someone with bipolar. And so I've reached out to him and I've asked him, like I bought the books and was like, would you read this? It'll help explain a lot of the way that I react to things, like things that I do. And it's like he completely refuses. So I don't know what to do with that. Does he learn about any other thing in his life by reading?

Yeah. If it has to do with fishing, if it has to do with camping, if it has to do with 3D printing, he'll read about it. He'll read books or he'll read online articles? He reads online articles and stuff like that. Okay.

And it's like I reached out to him the other day to like a couple of weeks, not well, about a week ago to find out like where we were, where he saw things. And he basically told me that not that he doesn't care about the relationship, but basically it's just his kids are his pride and joy. And that's where he's putting his thoughts at the moment. And he's not worried about us. Okay.

When you say he's not worried about y'all, he's not worried that y'all have grown apart or he doesn't care about you at all? He doesn't care about us. It's not something that's on his mind. He's always been my son, someone that's very selfish. He always does what he wants to do.

And I just sort of went along with it. But I think I'm at the point that I'm starting to realize that like retirement age is coming up soon and he's already decided like, well, I'm buying a cabin in the woods and I'm going to live there. And it's like, my opinion doesn't count. Yeah. It's never counted, Emily. Yeah. So I think, I don't really know what to think. How can I help? Yeah.

I don't know. I just, I don't know if I need someone to tell me that like you're right. Like it's just that you've grown apart, that you're done. I don't think y'all were ever together, Emily. Y'all have been engaged for 19 years. You've done whatever he wants to do for 23 years. Yeah. You had kids by him. We've been roommates basically. But you've gone along with it. And so I'm not in a position to blame him because for 25 years you've just gone camping with him.

I'm also going to say, it's okay to say, I want something different now. He's got to be really clear about it. And he's been living his life for a quarter century and you've been a part of that life. And so he's going to look at you as though you're walking away from the world that y'all co-created together. Does he know you have hated all this stuff all these years? Yeah, he knows that. Yeah. But I guess he also knows this is like the reverse of behaviors of language.

Most people say, like when I say behavior is a language, they say like, no, I love you. I love you. But then they don't do anything to help. You're saying, I hate this. I hate this. But then you go along with it. And so for him, behavior is a language, which is, ah, she's cool with it. Yeah. And it's not just camping. It's probably a whole bunch of other stuff too, isn't it? Yeah. Like what?

I don't know. Well, it's like I said, we don't go out for supper or anything like that. And he said, well, when I had mentioned that we don't go out, we don't do anything, that, well, I'm the one that you should be reaching out. I don't have to be the one that does it all the time. So I reached out to him and yesterday we went out for breakfast. How was it? And it was all right, but we didn't talk about us or anything. We talked about everything but us. Okay.

So it was good, but we just always seem to fall back into this same pattern, this same trench that we live in pretty much. Okay. So what are you asking me? I don't know. It sounds like you have two choices. Things can just keep going like they're going. They're going to end up wherever they end up. Or you can do what I think is incredibly hard work, and that is to...

Create a destination in your mind and not just words, but I want you to have a clear, crystal clear picture of what that looks like. Here's what 15 years from right now looks like. Would you build that with me? Or would you build a new us? Here's what I would love this to look like when you talk about it. And if he says, no, I'm not talking to you about any of this stuff. I don't care about any of this stuff. I'm going to get these kids out of the house. I'm moving to the woods. I don't care about you. Then you have to live in that reality. Mm-hmm.

But I also understand this kind of aimless, let's just talk about us. Like, what do you want to talk about? Like, I hate everything for the last 23 years. Well, that's a grenade that nobody can handle. And if he hasn't been abusive, he just kind of ignored you. I mean, I guess that's kind of abusive, but...

It's just been the way y'all's life works is you're like, I really don't want to, or you don't communicate as clearly as you think you're communicating it. And he just goes on to the next thing. He's trying to be a good dad and do, I don't know. I'm just, I'm just speaking it out, but here we are. I think talking about and thinking through and digging into what has been isn't, isn't a great use of your time right now. What's more important is where do we want to go?

And you're going to have to lay out on a piece of paper. You're going to have to give him a roadmap and say, this is what I want my world to look like. Are you in? Okay. But you have to be willing for him to look at you and say, no, I'm not. And then from there, I don't, I mean, in the States, one of like get married. One Oh one is if it ever ends, there's a, there's a legal path for how to split stuff up, how to do custody, how to do kids and all those things.

I don't know what it is in Canada, but depending on what state you're in, you can find yourself in a mess in the U.S. if you're not married for this long and you're splitting up property, you're splitting up stuff, splitting up kids. It just becomes a nightmare. And so I don't even know how to direct you in Canada. I would probably go get with a barrister or an attorney and figure it out. Say, what does this actually mean? And you have to ask yourself, do you want to not be married to him anymore? You seem to have gotten a glimpse into life without him. And if I heard you correctly, you said it brought you peace?

And I didn't really, I wasn't, I didn't miss him at all. I miss my kids, but I was kind of happy that he was gone. Like he's gone on four fishing trips this summer. And I don't know. I was like, I just was kind of happy he was gone almost. Have you said the words, I miss you? No. Do you miss him? Do you miss what y'all had? I do. Yeah. Why is it scary to say that out loud? I don't know. Cause I think of all the ways that he used just sort of,

Put me to the side. Yeah. I'm sorry that he's done that. It's kind of like I just want to matter. Yeah, there you go. I want someone to fight for me to be in all the way. I love that. I think he deserves to hear that. And that's different than why do you always go fishing? Why do we always go camping? I don't want to do that. That's different than I want you to fight for me because I love you and I miss you. I miss what we had and I want to build something new. Are you in?

And I know how terrifying and scary that is because he can look at you and say, no, I'm not. And then y'all got to figure out what to do next. But it sounds like you're drowning in your own house. And I don't want to encourage you. I don't want to encourage you to blow your family up or him to blow his family up. But I do want to encourage y'all to turn all the lights on and look at this thing for what it is. And he might say, I don't want to look for it. I'm fishing. I'm loving my life. Who pays y'all's bills? We split them pretty much.

Yeah, so he's just had a roommate for 23 years. Do you see how y'all, he's, I mean, you've been playing house for 23 years and he's just had a cool ride along the whole time. Kind of do whatever he wants to whenever he wants to. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. It sounds like there's a reckoning coming. Are you ready for it? Yeah, I think so. Okay. I want you to be real clear and write it down. And when you sit down to talk to him, I want you to use the word I, not you.

If it's a laundry list of grenades you're going to throw, but you did this and you did this, you did this. He's going to climb up and walk out the door. If you sit down and say, I want to be married to you and I want to be worth fighting for. And I want to reignite the spark between us and I want to re-fall in love and I want to do this thing all the way. Are you in? I personally don't know another path. One is a choice to live less than...

And one is a choice to move all the chips all in and at least give yourself a shot at the table. And you can lose everything at the table too. But my contention is you've lost everything now. I hate it for you. Let me know how that conversation goes. And if he wants to call, I'd love to talk to him too. I think the best shot you got is to turn all the lights on, turn the music off, stop the dancing, stop the performing and the pretending that's been going on for a quarter century. And to say, I want to build something new.

We're this old. Our kids are going to be gone. And we get to choose if we're going to have a miserable life moving forward or a pretty amazing one. We get to pick that. We get to pick it. Will you join me? And buckle up, man, because whatever his answer is, either way, it's going to be tough. But I think you can do it. Thanks for the call, Emily. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

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All right, Kelly, what do we got? Something cool that happened? No, this isn't Am I the Problem. Am I the Problem? Yes. Anyone who voted against our band is the problem. That's right. Dude, we'd still be on the roof right now just holding that golden trophy basket. You know what? We'd probably be doing fielding record deals because we were amazing. Touring with Limp Bizkit. Touring with Limp Bizkit. That's not really not great. There's some bands that I wouldn't want to be in. All right, go for it, Kelly. What's something? Who's the problem besides those who voted against us?

Wow. All right. This is from Brady and he says he's currently dating a woman for the last year or so and they're both divorced from previous spouses. Before we met, she was in a long-term relationship with a man who we'll call Daryl for five years and she grew very close to his family and especially his adult kids.

She became extremely close to one of his daughters, at times serving as a very strong maternal influence. Since they broke up and we met and started dating, the relationship between her and Daryl's daughter still continues, and they have contact regularly. Most recently, one of the other daughters had a baby shower, and my girlfriend had attended the shower, and Daryl showed up.

We discussed it, and admittedly, I struggled with this dynamic. But admittedly, I'm also still processing it, and I'm trying to figure out if it is concerning. During our discussion, my girlfriend did mention that she would like to stay in contact with Daryl's daughters moving forward, even though she assures me that the relationship with Daryl is over and has been since we met. This is the first time I've been back in the dating pool in a long time, and I'm curious, is this normal or typical at this complicated stage of dating?

Am I the problem? I don't know. What do you think? That's a hard one because, I mean, we've talked about before in other calls that when you quit dating someone, especially if you're close to their family or, you know, divorce, and in this case, the daughters are adults. Hey, so the other day we had that call where we were talking about like, of course you would check in if you had an ex-girlfriend. I went back to...

Where our suite was folks that were 10 years younger than me were like absolutely not cut it off cut it off Absolutely not. So I wonder if there's a generation divide here. It was wild Um, here's how I would answer this. Let's take girlfriend Let's take her relationships with daryl and daryl and daryl and let's take relationships with his kid Let's take all that off the table. I want to turn the conversation back to this guy

He's in a new dating relationship and he's suddenly become uncomfortable. That's what matters. It doesn't matter what the thing is unless it's just insane, right? But like, it doesn't matter. It makes you uncomfortable and you don't like it. And I don't like in the dating pool, especially when you're first getting back out there, you've been together about a year. Do you feel really uncomfortable about something? Listen to that.

And that might have some little bells ringing from your marriage, your previous marriage. It might have some bells ringing from who knows what that's from, but listen to it. And if you're not comfortable with it, say, I'm not comfortable with this and ask yourself what it's worth. I think that's more important than what is she doing or not doing. It sounds weird to me, but I don't know. Again, I don't know how old his daughters were or her or I don't know. The whole thing just sounds kind of wonky and weird, but...

Five years and a baby. I mean, I can see that. I don't know. It just depends on so much, so many outside factors that I don't know just based on what he wrote in. Yeah, that is a tough one. On face value, I don't think I have a problem with it. Now, if she's constantly hanging out with him due to that, that might be an issue. But she said he just showed up at the shower. Which, that's fine if he does that. Right. And by the way, if you're in your 30s or 40s or 50s and you're dating...

They're probably going to have contact with an ex for some reason. It gets more complicated at that point. Because people become part of your lives. And these are adult women who she's got relationship with. Like I said, if it was I'm going over to their house for the holidays and you're not coming or I'm constantly around him, I think that might be like a bit of a head tilt. But if she's got a relationship with them, I don't think I have a problem with that. And what after a year?

What has she communicated for the last year that you instantly don't trust her showing up at this thing? Has there been little breadcrumbs down the trail of your relationship over the last year that

makes you just doubt or wonder or she flips her phone over every time somebody calls or texts or she is always like oh hey like i don't know i'm just making stuff up but yeah or like you said what from her from his previous marriage is he bringing in because we all we all do yeah yeah so all i have to say i don't think anybody's at fault here i just want daryl i mean a daryl brady brady i want brady i want you to trust yourself trust your gut

And maybe that's the thing you practice in this new post-devose, post-devose, post-Malone, in this post-divorce world you live in. Practice trusting yourself and not having to cave and collapse on something that you feel deeply about just because someone else gaslights you and says you're crazy. Or maybe you are crazy and let her go to the shower. I don't have a good answer on this one.

But I don't know that she's crazy, that she's saying he's crazy. It sounds like they've had the conversation. He's talked about it. She said, I still want to have a relationship with them. Now he's got to decide. You got to make a big boy choice. Like, yeah, I want you to be done with Daryl and Daryl and Daryl and all his family up in here, up in here. Or it's fine. The whole thing is weird if she's like 48 and the kid is 20.

It's not weird if Daryl was like 50 and she was 38 and daughter is 33. Right? So I think that's what I'm getting tripped up on. If his daughters are similar in age, that's not weird. If she's playing mom to somebody, I can see that being like, makes me uncomfortable. And then she'd be the problem. We don't know what she is, Brady. But I'm still basking in my loss. And so I'll be team Brady right now. We can just...

pile up on somebody else just because it makes us feel better in the moment. It'll ruin tomorrow. Go listen to a good punk rock song. It'll make your heart feel good. They won't vote for you, but it will feel good. Love you guys. Bye.