Shownotes Transcript
Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.
You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey, this is Roy Chang. The Daily Show is off this week, but don't worry. We put together some of our favorite moments from the show in case you missed them. We'll be back with brand new shows on September 10th. Until then, enjoy today's episode. Welcome to The Daily Show. Obviously, this week's convention is really all about introducing Kamala Harris to America. And as part of that introduction, the Democrats produced a special film
to make the case for a Harris presidency. Now, luckily for us, we stole it. And we are going to show it to you. America is a land of people. People who are normal. And America used to have presidents who were normal. Sometimes they were good, or not so good. But they could always finish their sentences and not start civil wars. But after eight years of this... We finally beat Medicare. And this... Ah!
And just generally feeling like we're trapped in a sadistic circus in the eighth circle of hell, it is time for America to return to normal. It's time for Kamala Harris. Just now, narrated by Jason Garner. Kamala Harris checks all the boxes for what Americans are looking for in a normal president. I'm Kamala Harris, wonderful president of the United States.
We are a nation that was founded on noble ideals. But where did this unicorn of a candidate come from?
Kamala Harris was born in 1964 in Oakland, California, a year that puts her squarely in the normal age range of American presidents. She was the daughter of two academics who met at school, a way that normal people meet their spouse as opposed to a party with sex ring billionaires. Her mother was from India, her father was from Jamaica, and that makes her both black and South Asian. Normal people understand this.
I don't know. Is she Indian or is she black? Again, normal people understand this. Kamala's parents wanted the best education for her. But because they weren't absolutely loaded in a way that would make them believe they could live outside the laws of man and nature, young Kamala had to be bused to a desegregated school an hour away. It was an experience that always stayed with her.
But not in a way that made her thirsty for revenge or obsessed with leaving a legacy that would outlast the universe. Just a normal, I'll put that into my autobiography kind of way. Kamala was admitted to Howard University, where she made lifelong friends like any other well-adjusted person you can feel comfortable trusting with nuclear codes. And she made ends meet working at McDonald's, a typical job held by millions of people.
And just to be clear, she was working the register, not starring in Bizarre Fever Dreams with Grimace and stealing jobs from hard-working professional actors who honestly could have used the gig at the time. After college, Kamala went on the normal trajectory for president, law school, San Francisco district attorney, attorney general of California.
Yes, early on she had a boyfriend help her get a job on the State Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board, but that's a very normal type of cronyism. And besides, it was an Unemployment Insurance Appeals Board do not act like you wanted that job. Grow up.
Kamala rode her success to the U.S. Senate, where her time was mostly unmemorable, which is normal. Do you know what kind of freak you have to be to be a memorable senator? She ain't got me. Yeah. No, Kamala just did her job, including a famous grilling of Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Can you think of any laws that give the government the power to make decisions about the male body?
I'm not thinking of any right now. It was a brilliant performance that didn't stop Brett Kavanaugh from overturning Roe v. Wade, but a politician offering stirring rhetoric with disappointing results? Very normal, guys. After a respectable two years, Kamala decided to take the next step. I stand before you today to announce my candidacy for president of the United States.
Yes, a run for president in 2020. A decision so normal that it was done by over 70% of the Democratic Party. But despite showing voters a personal side by listening and reacting to music like a regular human as opposed to freezing in place or yanking off a pair of dicks on stepfathers...
Kamala didn't resonate with voters, and she dropped out before voting even began. I'm not a billionaire. I can't fund my own campaign. It was a move that exhibited her remarkable skill to view reality and react rationally. Wouldn't that be great? Reacting rationally to an electoral defeat? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it?
But before she quit, Kamala did have one great moment. You know, there was a little girl in California and she was bused to school every day. And that little girl was me. It was a takedown of Biden's support of school segregation so brutal that he reintegrated the White House and made her vice president. They did it.
Kamala Harris became the first black vice president, the first Asian vice president, and the first female vice president. And yes, maybe that isn't normal for America, but did you know that in the other parts of the world, women are allowed to be leaders like all the time? So that's not on her. What are Kamala's actual policies? Just the vague ones you'd expect from a normal Democrat trying to get elected. It's a fight for the future and the future.
Yeah, great. Sounds good. But at least they're going to be normal policies. You won't have to learn about Project 2025 or Great Replacement Theory or whether a president can serve out his term while in prison. What the hell are we doing here, gang? I've been in episodes of Ozark less stressful than this.
Of course, like any person, Kamala has her personality quirks. And her time as vice president brought them all front and center. I love Venn diagrams. Do you know the three circles? Who doesn't love a yellow school bus? You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?
Oh, yeah. The coconut thing? Super kooky, right? So what? America has presidents with fun and energy all the time. What about Abe? He wore the big hats, FDR, stamps, Reagan, jelly beans, pounded fistfuls of them. And they were all presidents who didn't cause Americans to shit themselves every five minutes.
And that is the promise of a Kamala Harris presidency. A president who will not fall in love with a North Korean dictator. Or have a family member whose dick pics end up on a congressional hearing. A president who won't clear up their COVID with horse dewormer and a spritz of Clorox. And one that can stay up past eight. A president who will eventually leave office. A president who won't have to flee to a non-extradition country if she loses.
In other words, Kamala Harris will be a normal president. Just a normal f***ing president. Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show. It's going to be coming out...
Every Thursday. So exciting. You'll be saying to yourself, TGIT. Thank God it's Thursday. We're going to be talking about all the things that hopefully obsess you in the same way that they obsess me. The election, economics, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches.
And I know that I listed that fourth, but in importance, it's probably second. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? I mean, talk about innovative. Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.
talk about J.D. Vance. Democrats hate him and Republicans pretend not to. But who is he really? Let's find out in a brand new Daily Showography. Middletown, Ohio isn't much to look at.
It's probably a few decades away from getting a Jamba Juice. But this forgotten town full of forgotten men and forgotten women has given us a name to remember. J.D. Vance. I came from Middletown, Ohio. I am proud of it. And I will never forget where I came from. But what he would forget is everything else.
I'm a never Trump guy. I never liked him. The simple fact is he's the best president of my lifetime. This is the Daily Showography of J.D. Vance, the forgettin' man.
You may have heard that J.D. doesn't think much of life in your Democrat-run cities. But to hear him tell it, growing up in small town Ohio and Kentucky wasn't so hot either. Our homes are a chaotic mess. At least one member of the family uses drugs. Young J.D. was taken in by his mama. She said, look, you're going to come and stay with me. And if anybody has a problem with it, they can talk. They can talk to my
to my gun. They all came from a family that would shoot at you rather than argue with you. When we went through her things, we found 19 loaded handguns under her bed, in her closet, in the silverware drawer. Aww. It's like if Tarantino directed an episode of The Golden Girls.
After high school, JD left his mama's house for a place with slightly fewer guns: the U.S. military. He spent four years in the Marines' public affairs department, which would eventually serve him well in politics, where his new boss has had many public affairs.
Back home, J.D. lifted himself up by his bootstraps and government G.I. Bill money to attend Yale Law School, where he would meet his future wife. Nothing would keep them apart. I love her because she's who she is. Obviously, she's not a white person, but I just I love Lucia. Marriage really is about compromise.
After overcoming the traumas of an Ivy League education, J.D. sought honest work down in the Valley, where remembering where he came from sometimes meant forgetting where he was. I didn't come from the elites. I didn't come from San Francisco. You were out in San Francisco now, right? That's right. Working for Peter Thiel? Yeah, I work at Warwick.
And though big tech made him rich, it was the publishing world where he really made a name for himself. J.D. turned his childhood pain into Hillbilly Elegy, a best-selling memoir and Hollywood film. Hasta la vista.
Soon, those fancy aristocrats who drink sparkling water and wear pajamas... To this day, I find the very notion of pajamas an unnecessary elite indulgence. ...were begging him to join their ranks. Should he run for office? I think that, you know, when people ask me if I want to run for office, part of me wonders, like, do they think I just give off a used car salesman vibe? No.
What? No, not at all. Soon enough, J.D. was ready to be put into a certified, pre-owned Ohio Senate seat. He had the perfect resume. Blue-collar childhood. Former Marine. Absolutely zero rumors that he had f***ed a couch. No!
If only he hadn't said all those terrible things about his party's new God. I can't stomach Trump. I think that he's noxious and is leading the white working class to a very dark place. You said I'm a never Trump guy, never liked him, terrible candidate, idiot if you voted for him, might be America's Hitler, might be a cynical a-hole, cultural heroine, noxious, irreprehensible.
How could Vance run for office as a MAGA Republican after all that? He would have to call upon his experience as a forgotten man and forget it all. Look, I was wrong about Donald Trump. I didn't think he was going to be a good president. Brett, he was a great president.
Trump may be cultural heroine, but J.D. was hooked. The new J.D. loved DJT with all his heart. And Trump almost knew who J.D. was. We've endorsed J.D.
JP, right? J.D. Mandel, and he's doing great. Whatever his name was, there was something about this new guy that Donald Trump liked. J.D. is kissing my ass. He wants my support. With the taste of Trump's butt cheeks fresh on his lips, Vance won his election and the forgetting kicked off.
into high gear. The man who once said he hated the police and respected trans people now said it was actually the other way around. No opinion was safe from JD's MAGA memory wife. Universities provide high quality talent for folks to get their businesses off the ground. The universities in our country are fundamentally corrupt. It's really important not to just fabricate and lie to other people.
I think the election was stolen from Trump. J.D.'s moral flexibility propelled him into the MAGA A-list. And when Donald Trump needed a new running mate, for some reason, he tapped Vance.
I love you guys. But once he hit the campaign trail, J.D.'s former friends in the media discovered that his mouth had left around more loaded guns than mamaw. Republican Veep candidate J.D. Vance is igniting a firestorm for once calling citizens without children childless cat ladies. Vance calls pregnancies resulting from rape or incest.
The fundamental lie of American feminism is that it is liberating.
For a woman to go and work 90 hours a week. Please tell me more about the lessons of feminism, sir. But who cares what the haters and the elites think? There's only one man whose opinion counts. And he thinks J.D. has what it takes. When you look at J.D. Vance, is he ready on J.D.?
on day one. Historically, the vice president does not have any impact. I mean, virtually no impact. Yes, they said people from J.D.'s neck of the woods don't matter. But now, Vance has become the most important, not important man in America. And soon, he might be enshrined forever in the nation's halls of power. Or he'll lose, and like every other failed VP candidate in history, this forgettin' man will also be forgotten.
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Welcome to the Cooper residence. Cooper McAllister. I'm surprised you put my name first. Come on in. From the brains behind the Big Bang Theory and Young Sheldon, CBS is excited to welcome back some beloved, familiar folks. I am so glad that you and Cece are here. And Georgie. Atta girl. It's a whole new chapter. Georgie and Mandy's first marriage premieres CBS Thursday, 8, 7 central and streaming on Paramount+.
Hey everybody, Jon Stewart here. I am here to tell you about my new podcast, The Weekly Show, coming out every Thursday. We're going to be talking about the election, earnings calls. What are they talking about on these earnings calls? We're going to be talking about ingredient to bread ratio on sandwiches. I know you have a lot of options as far as podcasts go, but how many of them come out on Thursday? Listen to The Weekly Show with Jon Stewart wherever you get your podcasts.