The Daily Show Presents: A Live Election Special
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From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, an actually live, actually special, special report. The Daily Show presents Indecision 2024. Elect America. Nothing we can do about it now. Here's your host, John Stewart. Hi, everybody.

Boom! Listen to that crowd! That crowd is... They are... Fuck everybody! My name is Jon Stewart. That is the sound of a crowd that does not have access to a television set. And has no idea what's happening out there in the world. My name is Jon Stewart. It is election day. And we're coming to you live. Corresponding from the studio all around the country. My solemn vow to you is this.

We are not leaving here until this election is over. Although, obviously, Family Guy starts at midnight. We do not yet have a projected winner at this time, but as is my custom on election night, I keep the sound off.

And I just go and watch to see how we're doing with it off. Let's go over to MSNBC and see their faces look like someone said their sponsorship deal with Warby Parker is over. And then over at Fox, let's take a quick look over. Oh, look at that. It looks like their dad got the court to drop the DUI charges. So what does that mean? But we've got full team coverage tonight. We've got Grace Kulichman at Harris Headquarters. We've got Troy White.

At Trump headquarters, we've got Jordan Klepper in the swing state of Pennsylvania. First, we're going to go to Troy and Grace. Troy, I'm going to start with you, Troy, at Trump headquarters. What are you wearing, Troy? It's a garbage bag. Yeah, we have to wear them to prove that we're not garbage. It doesn't make a lot of sense. A lot of stuff doesn't make sense here. Yeah, uh...

Grace, you're at Kamala Harris' campaign headquarters. What is the mood there? It's tense, John, but they're still doing everything they can. They're throwing every last celebrity up on stage, although they are starting to run out of celebrities. Well, who's on stage now? Yeah, so they just had one carrot-top stepdad...

And Solange. Solange Knowles? No, just a guy named Solange. The mood here is also very tense, John. People are really sick of all the positive signs and just want to find out the results so they can start the insurrection.

Wait, Trump seems to be doing well. Yeah, they don't care. Win or lose, these people are going to take a shit on Nancy Pelosi's desk again. They've been eating fiber bars for 12 hours. They are ready. Thank you, Troy. Troy Awad and Grace Kuhlenschmidt, everybody. Oh, look at that! Grace had a stage manager with her out there. Nice baby! Out there at the headquarters. I don't know where her headquarters are, but she was there.

Now, look, I know a lot of people out there are feeling anxious. I want to assure you that that is very good for our ratings. So keep up the good work out there. Do not remove your eyes from the TV at all costs. For more swing state analysis, though, we're going to go live to Pennsylvania. Jordan Klepper is out there. Jordan, so good to see you, my man. Now, Jordan, you have been on the ground in Pennsylvania for almost a year. Yeah.

Thanks, John. I moved here about a year ago, and I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed getting to know these hardworking, salt-of-the-earth, common-sense folk. They're fracking awesome. Well, now that the election is over, it's probably going to be hard to say goodbye to your found family out there. Sure is. Sure is, John. Wait, I'm sorry. Did you just say it's over? Like, the assignment? Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Jordan, the election, I mean, this is, it's the polls have closed. Obviously, we're going to look at the results coming in from Pennsylvania. But how do you make sense of what we're seeing tonight out of Pennsylvania? Yeah, absolutely, John. Not only is Pennsylvania a place of historical significance, it's also beautiful. The people, the energy, the foliage. It's going to be hard to say goodbye.

Right, but what issues do you think really move the needle for voters out there? I mean, you obviously have been living amongst them for a long time. Was there anything that you can put your finger on? Oh, God, so many things. The Liberty Bell, the Betsy Ross Museum, Gettysburg is here, right? What's the white block? Cream cheese! Such a rich culture, I may never leave. Taxi!

Jordan, we all know Pennsylvania, though, could ultimately decide this election, and it has not been called yet. There's a lot of votes downstate. Has your experience been that Pennsylvania is representative of our nation's voters as a whole? In some ways, yes.

You have two major cities bookending a rural population. It's a fascinating juxtaposition, and I feel privileged to be able to witness it firsthand. Step on it, pal. You know what? This is too slow. I'm going to take Pennsylvania's vaunted public transportation. Oh, all right. That seems like a carriage. But, Jordan, since Pennsylvania is a battleground state, residents there have been bombarded by texts and e-mails and commercials and door-knocking.

Do you think the get-out-the-vote effort worked, or has it paradoxically given residents a negative feeling about elections in general? Oh, no, not at all. I mean, was it a lot? Sure, but it was necessary to uphold democracy. I personally didn't mind it one bit. Jordan, are you suggesting public transportation in Pennsylvania is a flying cheese steak? You are such an elitist. Well...

I apologize, and I hate to ask you this, but I was hoping, while you were there, and I should have told you this earlier, could you pick up some Hershey chocolates for me? I mean, how about these M&M's I got from Penn Station, John? What the heck? Welcome, Jordan Klepper! So good to see you again. Jordan Klepper, everybody. Come here. All right. With...

from Pennsylvania, Mr. Futterman. We'll be right back.

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But don't just take my word for it. Get 25% off at virtual.com slash podcast. It's time for a brand new season of Survivor. And you know what that means. It means it's also a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. Here's our goal with this podcast. We bring you inside the how and the why.

of what we do on the show. And we do it from three different points of view. You have the producer in me. You have the fan in Jay, who also happens to be our executive producer of this podcast. And then we bring you the insight from a former player. And this season, it is Survivor 46 runner-up, Charlie Davis. Welcome to the team, Charlie. Well, Jeff, I know firsthand that playing from the couch and playing on the island...

completely different. So I hope you tune in every single week. We're going to dissect the strategy, the misfires and mistakes that change the game. If you want more Survivor than just 90 minutes, this is where you get it. On Fire, the only official Survivor podcast. Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast wherever you get your podcasts. I don't care.

These people don't care. They're hopped up on the goofballs or whatever it is they got. They don't care. They're here to party. Welcome back to The Daily Show. We do have some results I want to get to. There's one in particular that is close to my heart. I want to, we're ready to call New Jersey, the state of New Jersey. We're going to call it for, at this time, Kamala Harris. Kamala Harris.

Kamala Harris wins New Jersey. It's very interesting. She gets, it looks like, 53% of the vote. She gets 14 electoral votes. And Donald Trump gets Stugatz. Which, Stugatz, by the way, is an official number in New Jersey. Along with Bupkis. Which is also the name of a law firm I use out there. Stugatz and Bupkis. Call us if you're in an accident. We'll get you Stugatz and Bupkis.

I do have something to announce very quickly. We were going to join Senator Fetterman in Pennsylvania. He is unable to join us. But because we are a professional and venerated news show, it's not like I just have to sit here with nobody to talk to or nothing to do just because somebody said 30 seconds before we were supposed to have him as a guest. Yeah, I'm not doing that. And I had some questions earlier.

Where do you get those sweatshirts, those hoodies? So we do have another guest, by the way, and we're delighted that she's going to be joining us. My first guest joining us from Phoenix. She is Arizona's Democratic governor, Katie Hobbs. Welcome, Katie Hobbs, to the program. Hello. Katie Hobbs. Unfortunately, because I have trouble pivoting, I am only going to ask you questions about Pennsylvania. I hope that's okay. We were going to have a...

How are things going out in Arizona? Are the polls just closing out there? Have they not closed yet?

polls close at seven and we are just seeing the first results. What we know is it's going to be a long night here, probably a long several days as we're counting the results of the votes. Has everything gone relatively smoothly? Arizona has obviously had a reputation for some troubles within the electoral system, but you guys have run it really well. The Cyber Ninjas did a bunch of

looks at your thing found nothing everything runs very smoothly have you found tonight ran smoothly.

You know, all those problems are fake news. No, overall, today was a very good day. We heard that people had great experiences. There were long lines. Part of that is because of our very long ballot that we had. But as far as we know, the problems were addressed. We took quick action and Arizonans got to make sure their voices were heard today. Now, you do have a long ballot. I think in Arizona there are, I think,

10 referendums or something along those lines. The ballot was a couple of pages, yes? Yeah, it was four pages. And look, I vetoed a record 216 bills in my first two years as governor. And the legislature did an end run and sent half of those to the ballot, which is part of why it was so long, which is certainly a burden on voters that have to wait in line for a long time to vote that ballot. Now, did you just say you vetoed 216 bills? Yes.

Yes. We have a legislature that is run by literal insurrectionists and indicted fake electors, and they didn't get the message that voters wanted sanity over chaos, and so they kept sending extreme measures that I had to veto.

But here's the good news about our ballot. In addition to all the garbage that the legislature sent, we also had the chance to vote on a ballot measure to enshrine abortion in our state's constitution. Right now, the results of that are looking very good. So I'm optimistic about that passing and us being able to restore our rights here in Arizona. I didn't catch most of that.

Because as soon as you said you were enshrining reproductive rights, the crowd went crazy. And, oh, my God, they're taking their clothes off. This is just... Guys! You're in New York! In terms of the races that we don't hear as much about, the Senate race that is out there, do you have any insight in what's going to happen in Gallega versus Lake? And I know that she hasn't yet...

uh, conceded the race for governor with you. So I can't even imagine what's going to happen with that. Yeah, no, I mean, I don't know how she's going to be both governor and Senator. She still is contesting that the results of 2022, but look, I have confidence in Arizona voters that they are once again, going to put sanity over chaos, just like they did in 2022. I won that race by half a percent, uh,

And that half a percent meant that I could veto those 216 bills, that I could repeal our state's 1864 abortion ban, which Carrie Lake has said was great. She is Trump's chief election denier in Arizona, and I can't imagine her in charge right now with our democracy on the line. And I think that voters are going to end her chaos once and for all and choose sanity over chaos again.

That's that's fantastic. Now, you mentioned that you've got a good feeling about that referendum. Is there anything you can tell us about the presidential race? Are you hearing good turnout in Democratic strongholds? Are you hearing anything that might give an audience here? And it is five in the morning in New York. I don't know if you knew that. Is there anything that you could give that might tell them there's a reason to stay up?

Well, we're not going to get another round of results until 11 o'clock tonight, Arizona time. So we won't know tonight. And what we do know is that it's going to be close. And that is the prediction I've made all along. And I think that prediction will hold. Right. Well, Governor Hobbs, we thank you so much for taking the time. Do you have anything you want to add about Pennsylvania? We're happy to hear it. Nothing.

I'm sorry that I'm sorry, Senator Fetterman couldn't make it. Happy to fill his slot. And Pennsylvania is going to be close to. Thank you so much, Governor Katie Hobbs of Arizona. We're going to take a quick break and we'll be right back after this. Thank you so much, Governor.

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It's time for a brand new season of Survivor. And you know what that means. It means it's also a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. Here's our goal with this podcast. We bring you inside the how and the why of what we do on the show. And we do it from three different points of view. You have the producer in me. You have the fan in Jay, who also happens to be our executive producer in this podcast. And you have the producer in me.

And then we bring you the insight from a former player, and this season it is Survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis. Welcome to the team, Charlie. Well, Jeff, I know firsthand that playing from the couch and playing on the island, completely different. So I hope you tune in every single week. We're going to dissect the strategy, the misfires and mistakes that change the game. If you want more Survivor than just 90 minutes, this is where you get it. On Fire, the only official Survivor podcast.

Listen to On Fire, the official Survivor podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. You know, if I may say, and I speak to the audience, there may be nothing more gratifying to a host of a program than in the commercial break, hearing maybe the first three notes of Ozzy Osbourne and having the entire audience in unison. No preparation, no training, go. Really. And isn't that what makes us all Americans? LAUGHTER

We do have one other quick result to just announce. In the race to be my best friend between Senator Fetterman and Governor Katie Hobbs, Governor Katie Hobbs wins by a jillion. And we're glasses buddies, me and the governor. Obviously, we're going to be doing election results and analysis because we're a real show. So let's see what's in store for us.

at the Daily Show Election Center and Michael Kosta. Michael Kosta! Thank you, John. Great to see you.

John, I've got my jacket off and my sleeves rolled up, which tells you I'm doing real work today. I'm not half-assing it like usual. And we've got all sorts of high-tech tools to visualize tonight's results in real time. Yeah, they put a lot of effort and work into that election center, kind of the neural center of our coverage. You got something like the New York Times needle that tells us who's winning? Oh, ****.

- John, all right, all right. There are so many things to more to keep track of that are better than who's winning like voter fraud, which we track through our patented Juliometer, all right? Now, if a few dead people start voting, we see the drip. - I see. - Busloads of non-citizens voting in Philadelphia. Well now it's really coming down. - I see. - Oh no, Chinese bamboo ballots all through the brew wall

Now, John, if this drips down into his penis, we're in trouble. Okay, I don't need to think about that, Michael. Well, how are we at least tracking the results for Vice President Harris? Okay, well, for that, we have the comalometer. What does that do? Well, nothing. It's just fun to say. Comalometer. Comalometer.

Comma-lometer. Yes. If she's doing well, we could add some more laws. Like, oh, big result in Wisconsin according to the comma-la-la-la-la-lometer. It's so fun. John, let's say it together on three. Ready? One, two, three. Comma-lometer. You didn't say it. That's okay. More for me. All right, Michael. Let's just get to the map. Oh, yeah, the map. Okay, the map. The crown jewel in the vote center. All right.

So what's happening on the map? John, I'm so glad you asked. This is great tech, John. Brand new for this election cycle. The way it works is I can select, let's say, Arkansas and Montana, and then I press this button here, and look, I can make them kiss. LAUGHTER

That's... Michael, that's just so stupid. Why? Because it's gay? What? John, you're embarrassing yourself, John. Thank you. Michael Kosta, everybody. That doesn't even make any sense. It doesn't... I have to tell you, though, it really did look like they were kissing. Obviously, look, it's been a long road to the election. To get a better sense of our national mood, we turned to Desi Lydic with analysis...

With analysis of all the results that we've seen so far tonight. Desi? Aw, thanks, John. We don't, okay. But we don't have all the results in, so. Well, so far we have the F and the C and the K and the all y'all. So I'm going to go out on a limb and project a U and fuck all.

There's still information to come in. Oh, it's too close to call. Kamala's up in Iowa. I don't want to hear another pollster or James Carville from some subterranean basement in his LSU Tigers hat going, I don't see how she can lose. Now let me just finish my gumbo and f***. We're going to check back in on you, Desi. Well, you better make it quick because I'm going to get started on my Project 2025. Hi there, Kevin.

after this. Don't go away. Holiday magic is in the air at iFly Indoor Skydiving. Imagine unwrapping the experience of flight. iFly is the perfect unique gift for anyone who wants to turn their dream of flying into a joyful reality. It's unforgettable fun for all ages.

Save over 35% with iFly's limited-time holiday gift voucher flight packages. Turn dreams into unforgettable moments with the gift of flight. Go to iflyworld.com to purchase your holiday gift vouchers. That's iflyworld.com.

It's time for a brand new season of Survivor. And you know what that means. It means it's also a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. Here's our goal with this podcast. We bring you inside the how and the why of what we do on the show. And we do it from three different points of view. You have the producer in me. You have the fan in Jay, who also happens to be our executive producer of this podcast. And you have the producer in me.

And then we bring you the insight from a former player, and this season it is Survivor 46 runner-up Charlie Davis. Welcome to the team, Charlie. Well, Jeff, I know firsthand that playing from the couch and playing on the island, completely different. So I hope you tune in every single week. We're going to dissect the strategy, the misfires and mistakes that change the game. If you want more Survivor than just 90 minutes, this is where you get it. On Fire, the only official Survivor podcast.

Listen to On Fire, the official survivor podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome back to Election Night 2024. It's The Daily Show. Results are rolling in slowly because it's very hard for me to see CNN in the corner of the thing. But we do have a Maryland Senate race result to report. Angela also Brooks, the Democrat, has defeated Larry Hogan. I did not like seeing that.

That is going to stick with me as it goes. But we are obviously digging through the results to find some that you like. Because you were nice enough to come here and I'm just going to come here and just shit all over you? No, I'm not going to do that. So, Maryland Senate. Oh, look at that. Look at all my little glass half full down there. Now, as many of you have seen one of the

Great things about this election season has been the assemblage of all these voter panels. We've done one more tonight. We're going to check in now. Ronnie Chang has assembled a voter panel. He's with them now.

Ronnie, what have you got for us tonight? Yes, John, during this election, nobody has gotten more attention than the people right next to me. I'm talking about undecided swing state voters. They could be the key factor in who wins this race for president. Well, Ronnie, there's no question. I mean, we have followed these undecided voters the entire campaign. So who did they ultimately choose?

No one yet. They're still undecided. - Ronnie, the polls have closed. They can't vote. Just tell them to go. - Yeah. Okay, listen, John, these people have nowhere else to go, okay? They're undecided voters. They're too stupid to live independently.

Hey, you guys are great, by the way. You are so important to the process. What matters to you most? The economy? The border? Abortion? It's so important for us to get out of the bubble and talk to hardworking, real American people. John, these people are gonna die on the street, okay? They have no jobs, no family, no homes.

But they have no homes? Oh, no, they've been living in focus group studios for eight months. They're broken. Look, look, I'll show you. Hey there, what do you think of the economy? I'm cold. Okay, and you?

Can I have a fruit snack? Great insight, guys. John, we have to keep them here or they'll be eaten by wild animals, okay? All right, well, we'll check back in with you later, Ronnie. Ronnie Chang, everybody! That's a sound. What's gonna happen to all those undecided panels? When we come back, Michigan's Lieutenant Governor, Garland Gilchrist II, will be joining us. Don't go away. We'll be right back. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back!

The Daily Show live election special night. Hold on, I'm getting results. It appears to be down to the blue wall states. They haven't been called yet. But we do have some good news that we found here. District of Columbia is being called for Kamala Harris, ladies and gentlemen. And to be clear, that was through voting, not insurrection. That was voting. And obviously, doesn't count. But still...

You know what? We're going to check back in with Michael Kost in the election center. Michael, talk to me now. Thank you.

Thank you, Michael. Obviously, we're in a bit of a holding pattern right now. How are things looking for you in the data center? Well, I'm looking great, John. And as you can see, my sleeves are now almost 100% rolled up. Now, that's a change of 19 inches on the slivometer just since earlier in the program. It really shows you how hard I'm working tonight.

Working at what? My frenetic energy, John. It's off the charts. I'm incredibly likable. Oh, wait, wait. Looks like we might be getting in some absentee bisets. Thank you. Michael Kosta, everybody. We're going to move on. We have another guest. I want to bring in the lieutenant governor of Michigan, Garland Gilchrist II, who is joining us from Detroit. Sir!

Delighted to see you tonight. How are you, my friend? I'm excited. Look, we built such an amazing effort here in the state of Michigan. Contacted 3 million voters just in the last weekend, and so we're going to win. So you're feeling very positive.

Look, I'm confident in the work that we've done, you know? I mean, look, the volunteer effort in Michigan is like the biggest one we've ever seen. And, you know, this is about putting together the pieces of the puzzle for victory. And look, I'm an engineer, John. I'm a problem solver. I know how to put things together and make systems work for people. And we've built the kind of apparatus we need to win in Michigan, like the one that carried me and Governor Gretchen Whitmer to reelection in 2022 that had the biggest

volunteer effort that delivered reproductive freedom for every Michigan in our state constitution. And that's the same kind of effort that has been now the foundation for what we've built here in 2024. Well, I got to tell you something, sir.

on a night where I'm looking for some positivity and some good news. You have brought it, my friend. You have brought it to me. You've given my heart a lift. You've made me feel good. I want to ask you, how is this even close in Michigan? Donald Trump went to Detroit and

and said, this place is a hole. Donald Trump called for a ban on all Muslims traveling to America and then goes to Dearborn and he's getting big votes in the Arab American community. All these different things. He's partnered with Elon Musk, who might be one of the bigger threats to Detroit's automaking industry. How is this so close?

Well, let's take a deep breath. You know, there's something else is still coming in. Just take a sip of water. We're going to we're going to be OK. But look, I'm a Detroiter. Like I was offended by by what Donald Trump said about me as a Detroit voter. My wife, when they tried to call for a riot to stop the vote counting in 2020, he was talking about my wife's vote, my neighbor's vote, my vote. So I took that very personally. And so did people across the city of Detroit. So that that

is why the organizing effort has been so inspiring to see people stepping up, to see, you know, black men, you know, don't believe the hype that you've seen from people running and trying to find black men who were hesitant. I've been talking to black men all across the state of Michigan and Detroit and Flint and Saginaw and Grand Rapids, all across our state. And what I'm hearing from them is they're ready to be part of the future. And they don't want a president who insults them. They don't want a president who can't see their potential success. They don't want a

pessimistic patriot. They want an optimistic patriot. And that's what we have in Kamala Harris and Tim Walz and Alyssa Slotkin to be our next United States senator. So that's the team that we built in Michigan. And I'm proud to be part of it. Oh, that's fantastic, sir. Is there any way, and I say this to you, sir, with all great respect, can you go to Build-A-Bear and record your voice?

and then put your in the little heart and then put it in the bear and then mail it to me because I would like before bed every night I just want to press that little paw in here they're ready to be part of the future they don't want people that insult them it's it's very inspiring sir is are you seeing off the charts participation in Michigan uh today and this evening

Well, I saw off the charts participation before then. More than three million people voted early in person or voted on an absentee ballot in Michigan. I think people who voted before Election Day were super excited to vote. And the enthusiasm has been on our side since Kamala Harris ascended to the top of our ticket. So, again, I'm proud of the work that we've done and the movement that we've built. It's been my experience.

that when we build these kind of coalitions, and look, I know something about building coalitions. That's why, John, I would never be here talking to you. So we know how to win in the state of Michigan, and that's what's going to get it done. And I do believe that as Michigan goes, so will go the country. Just like the way that, you know, we've built industries in Michigan that have changed the country and changed the world. We can build electoral winning coalitions that change the country and change the world, too. So as long as you get a Michigan tattoo on that Build-A-Bear, then we can talk about it. Thank you.

Do I have to get a Michigan tattoo? Is that what the deal is going to come down to, sir? A Michigan tattoo? Now, is this, in terms of being in Michigan, right, it really is, it's one of those bellwether states that we're talking about because the population there is incredibly diverse. It's really one of the more diverse in the state. Are you seeing your message changing?

Is this permeating throughout the state or is this really another example of, boy, the rural areas are the rural areas and those are red. But if we can get enough turnout in the urban areas, we've got a chance to counteract that. Or are you seeing that permeate throughout the whole state?

You know, I think about it like this. Like the reason that that I've had the opportunity to serve is because I come from a community of people who believed in me. And whether you live in a big city or a suburb or you live in a rural community, you know, people wrapping their arms around you and telling you that you have the chance to be amazing and to and to really do amazing things in the future. That's what's ultimately build success.

And our message as Democrats is about believing in Michiganders. I mean, look, Donald Trump has come to Michigan and said that we can't win the electric vehicle race. He said that we can't compete on clean energy. He said that China is going to beat America like it is so pessimistic and so just about losing because he's a loser.

But instead, we need to believe in people who believe in our ability to win, to win the future, to win in manufacturing, to win in technology. And as a tech entrepreneur, like I want to see more of that coming from the state of Michigan. And frankly, that's what Kamala Harris has been about. So, you know, I'm excited again. And I think the message about optimism, about being hopeful about the future, about saying that, yeah, we can do big things. We can invent

things that are going to change the world and win the future. And that Michigan has that in our past. So to come here and insult us and to say that we're not capable of it, it's offensive. And so I can't wait to send Donald Trump home for good. Sir, I have to tell you, you have been an absolute bright light and breath of fresh air on this evening. And I truly appreciate you spending the time with us. And again, this isn't going to mean anything to you.

You have jumped the best friend rankings for me. Now, it was, and I'm going to explain this very quickly, and you don't have to understand it. Senator Fetterman and Governor Katie Hobbs were vying for best friend. Katie Hobbs won in a washout. Fetterman, he wasn't even on the ballot. Guess who's my new... Guess who's my new... Lieutenant Governor!

Gil Prince II. Godspeed, sir. Thank you for joining us. We'll be right back after this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The Daily Show. It's our live election special. I've got another batch of results for you. A batch is really a strong word. I have one result for you. And please understand this if you're watching at home. I'm only giving results of places I can drive to. So we do have the result for New York.

Kamala Harris has won New York over Donald Trump. Decisive has won 28 electoral. Oh, dear God. I'm sorry. I've just heard. And I didn't even know this was possible. The New York Giants have fumbled it. And now the delegates are back in the hands of Donald Trump. I don't know how that happened. But that's what that's what they told me in the old in the old in the old ear hole, which you can't really see. It's a it's a new technology.

You know what? Let's check back in with Ronnie Chang. He's with the undecided voters. I just want to see how... Ronnie, what the hell? How's it going? Not great, John. One of the undecided voters snuck a phone in here and found out that the election is over. They all became very distressed, and I had to sedate them. Ronnie, this is starting to sound less like a panel and more like a kidnapping.

- Oh, really? Would a kidnapper order pizza for everyone? Hey, what kind of toppings do you want? - Mushroom, pepperoni, I can't decide. - Ronnie, you need to get out of there before the police get there. Ronnie Chang, everybody, get him out of there!

Well, a lot of the results have been in, but obviously out west, as we saw with Governor Katie Hobbs, we don't know yet. We do want to check in with Arizona around now. I believe the polls might be closing there soon. Our own Josh Johnson is live in Maricopa County, Arizona. Josh, are you OK?

More than OK, John. The day is almost over. The polls are closing soon. And I'm proud to say we made it. American democracy remains a shining beacon for the world, a light of progress in the darkness to which all great nations aspire. That's that's beautiful. Beautiful. Side note, if I may. Why are you in armor?

Well, the voting is done, but the vote counting is starting. So I'm here in case the angry mob that is gathered outside the gates attempts to breach the moat and scale the walls of the election center. You know, normal democracy stuff. It's not normal democracy stuff, Josh. Checks and balances, John. Okay. One group counts the votes. The other group tries to burn that building down. It's really not a good way to run an election. That's... Don't want to cut you off, John, but it looks like it's about to get real democratic up in this bitch, okay? Um...

Fare thee well, John of Jersey. I hope he makes it. We're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back after this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The Daily Show. We don't, it hasn't been completely called yet. We don't exactly know what all the results are going to be. Our time is running out. I do want to very quickly say

Send a quick message to all the pollsters, the election pollsters. Blow me. I don't ever want to from you again. Ever. I don't ever want to hear we've corrected to the overcorrection. You don't know shit about shit. And I don't care for you.

We'll figure it out next time. Oh, we were in the margin of blow me. Okay. Look, look, here's the thing. Here's what we know.

is that we don't really know anything and that we're going to come out of this election and we're going to make all kinds of pronouncements about what this country is and what this world is. And the truth is, we're not really going to know shit. And we're going to make it seem like this is the finality of our civilization and this and that. We're all going to have to wake up tomorrow morning and work like hell to move the world to the place that we prefer it to be. And I just want to point out, just as a matter of perspective, that the lessons that our pundits learned

take away from these results that they will pronounce with certainty will be wrong. And we have to remember that. In 2008, when Barack Obama won... There's no question that this is the beginning, the first election of the future, really. And I think we are moving towards a post-racial America. Yeah, that lasted a day. And then, of course, in 2012, Obama won again.

And the lesson was... The GOP needs to send a powerful signal to Hispanic voters that the party respects them. That was the lesson they learned after that victory. And they were certain of it. And send a powerful signal to the Hispanic community the GOP did. When Mexico sends its people, they're bringing drugs, they're bringing crime, they're rapists.

Which apparently was the winning message. And that taught Democrats in 2016 what? Maybe what the Democrats would be looking for is somebody with some inside experience, but who's a generation younger. It's obviously going to be younger. It's going to be from a new generation. Need I say it? With great honor and humility, I accept this nomination. And that turned out to be a winning message again, which led to an insurrection.

And the lesson from that was when Donald Trump leaves office on Wednesday morning, he will leave Washington a pariah. Donald Trump will never be allowed to set foot in the Capitol again. Never, ever. My point is this.

This isn't the end. I promise you this is not the end. And we have to regroup and we have to continue to fight and continue to work day in and day out to create the better society for our children, for this world, for this country that we know is possible. It's possible.

That's our show for tonight. Tune in tomorrow. Desi Lydic will be your host. Here it is. Your moment is in. I just want this nightmare to be over. I do have children, and I have a cat, and I will be watching with my Xanax and my bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.

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Survivor 47 is here, which means we're bringing you a brand new season of the only official Survivor podcast on fire. And this season we are joined by fan favorite and Survivor 46 runner up Charlie Davis to bring you even further inside the action. Charlie, I'm excited to do this together. Thanks, Jeff. So excited to be here. And I can't wait to bring you inside the mind of a Survivor player for season 47. Listen to on fire the official Survivor podcast wherever you get your podcast.