Shownotes Transcript
COVID-19 and flu viruses disguise themselves to fool your immune system. That's why COVID-19 and flu vaccines are updated to protect you. Stay up to date on COVID-19 and flu vaccinations. Sponsored by Champions for Vaccine Education, Equity and Progress. Direct from the Broski Nation headquarters in Los Angeles, California, this is the Broski Report with your host, Brittany Broski.
Hello and welcome back, Broski Nation! Call to arms. This is a call to arms. I need everyone in detention. I need hands off the wheel. Hands on the red nuke buttons, alright? Every single member of Broski Nation, upon initiation, once you drink said Kool-Aid, okay?
Once you drink the Kool-Aid, everyone is issued a broski uniform and a red nuke button. This is not to be touched or even looked at until absolute code red is initiated. Now, today is not a code red, but rather a code blue, okay? Much to discuss today. I just came from a recording of...
Pretty basic with Remy and Alicia. Love them down, okay? If you do not follow my girls, my women, Remy and Alicia, go throw them a follow right now. And of course, my sister and twin Drew, Drew F. Wallow, was with us. We debriefed the Beyonce situation because holy fuck, by the way, still not really in a headspace where I can comprehend. Okay, I've got things on the brain today, y'all, okay?
am okay I kind of just need to get this out of my system because I even like a high thought this isn't even like oh I I was smoking fucking crack weed the other day and I had this thought no babe this was like I was in the car earlier today and I was like I need to talk about this I would like to okay it's almost Easter okay what does that mean don't know
Easter is when the bunny, everyone knows the bunny, of course, the Christ bunny, knocked on the tomb three times, okay? He said, knock, knock, knock. Jesus opened the door and he said, we're not doing Girl Scout cookies right now, okay? I'm not interested in buying them. It's Girl Scout cookie season. Please, like, I'm trying to rest. We're doing, you know, like three days of eternal rest. And then he became the Messiah, okay? Now, when the bunny knocked on the tombstone door,
That is when the peeps came out, okay? Jesus kind of rolled the tomb away. He rolled the big rock. The peeps came out, okay? And then when Jesus was like, please don't bother me. Like, seriously, I said, leave the door dash in front of the tomb stone, okay?
I can't do like hand-to-hand contact right now. Like I'm doing strictly no contact. Like it's a whole thing, okay? It's a whole process between me and my heavenly father. But also I'm the heavenly father, okay? Now this is Jesus talking. And so the bunny was there with the door dash and the peeps ran out and he was like, well, what the fuck am I supposed to? And so Jesus slammed the tomb shut and the bunny was like, oh my God, what am I supposed to do with all these chocolate eggs? Okay, the peeps are on the floor. He scoops them up and he goes,
This is something, okay? This is something that we can work with here. What if, and then, of course, he starts, he's kind of like looking up at the sun. Maybe he goes to sit down on like a log stump and he's holding the peeps. He's holding the little chickens and he's like, what if these old fuckers were made of marshmallow? And then everyone around him was like, what is a marshmallow? He's like, yeah, marshmallow. Marshmallow. Isn't marshmallow made up of like horse bones? Yeah.
Marshmallows are not vegan, dude. They're made up of crushed horse bones. Horse bones? They're made up of crushed horse bones. What is in a marshmallow? A typical marshmallow contains sugar, corn syrup, and gelatin, plus some air. A marshmallow is basically a foam that's stabilized by gelatin. All right, what is in gelatin? What is in gelatin? Horse bones.
What is in gelatin? Gelatin consists of processed collagen extracted from the skin, bones, cartilage, and tendons of animals. End result. Oh, that's going to make me actually start to gag. What the?
Look, the end result, gelatin or hydrolyzed collagen is a soluble protein, meaning it dissolves in warm water. The horse bones, when ground properly and put into a s'more, will dissolve in water, okay? Its chemical composition is very similar to collagen. Have we considered...
at these Botox salons, stop injecting collagen. Maybe I don't know what collagen is. Stop injecting collagen. Is that the thing that you put into your joints as well? Or is that cartilage? What do you put in your joints? What goes in your joints to make them hurt less? No, it's an injection. What injection? Cortisone. Okay, now I also did think cortisone was an itch cream.
You'll likely receive a cortisone shot, also called a steroid injection, as a first-line treatment. Okay, so that's if you got old people knees. You'll get a cortisone injection. Now, here is the question. What the fuck is hydrocortisone? Hydrocortisone. Any doctors following me want to come on the podcast?
Hydrocortisone is a steroid, corticosteroid medicine. It works by calming down your body's immune response to reduce pain. I need a boyfriend who's a doctor to really get into this shit with me, okay? Why is my skin red and splotchy, okay? What is acute dyshydratic eczema? And how does it affect about a million people in the United States every year? And why am I one of them, okay? And can you look at this wart on my back? Oh my God, I had warts in high school. That shit was horrible, dude.
Yeah, the little planner's warts. Oh, I can't think about it. I'll start to fucking gag. They have little, oh, oh, they have, oh, spores. Can't talk about it. It works by calming down your body's immune response to reduce pain, itching, and swelling. Okay, so hydrocortisone, different from cortisone, different from collagen. Okay, collagen is what I think they inject under your skin as...
to make you look youthful. Guys, no more injections. Go find a horse. Go find an animal of some sort. Create a livestock department. Create a livestock sort of, you know, like in Minecraft, you can build a pen and keep animals in the pen. Do that, but IRL, okay? Take the animal carcasses. Grind them down, okay? Mortar and, what's that called? Stone and mortar. Mortar and pell. Key and peel. Mortar...
Mortar and pestle. Morty and pesto, okay? Take the morty and pesto and you're going to take your horse. Doesn't have to be any particular horse. Could be even a Shetland pony. Take the essence of the pony, okay? Hair, skin, bones, doesn't matter. Any of it. Grind it. Morty and pesto, okay? You're going to put that into a sort of like a little needle, okay? Put it wherever you need it.
and tasty treat afterward, okay? Marshmallow, horse marshmallow. I told you, bitches, I wasn't joking, okay? What is in gelatin? Gelatin consists, and I'll read it again, processed collagen extracted from the skin, bones, cartilage, and tendons of animals. I always wondered why a s'more was not vegan. Is all gelatin from pigs? Oh God, most gelatin is derived from pork skins, pork and cattle bones.
Or split cattle hides. Gelatin made from fish byproducts? Avoid some of the religious objections to gelatin consumption. I guess that is true if you are belonging to a religion that you can't eat pork or cattle or meat for any instance. I wonder if they have like God-friendly s'mores. Can you do like a God-friendly Rocky Road? Does God approve of Rocky Road?
Because now, if you really think about it, Rocky Road wasn't in the Bible. So, because trust me, I've looked, I've like gone through the pages, I've gone through the chapters, I've gone through whatever to sort of find, you know, like, is it God honoring to suck down a peep on Easter? It's nowhere in there. Okay. Now they do make Jesus peeps. Let's go ahead and look those up. Jesus peeps, Easter, how peeps found Jesus.
Silly peeps. Easter is for Jesus. And I know that's right. Jesus is risen. Tell your peeps. See, the marketing, it's all about the marketing. What the fuck is a peep, dude? No bunny loves you like Jesus. And if that isn't the truth.
And Jesus, actually, at the Last Supper, it was Welch's sparkling grape juice that they drank, actually, and Peeps. Okay, if you look closely at Da Vinci's Last Supper, you'll see the Fibonacci sequence somewhere in the corner. Go ahead and put that up here. And then you'll see Peeps on the table as well. Okay, now that's, it's a little art history fact. You'll see little chocolate eggs and Peeps, because everyone knows the classic story of
Easter bunny. Jesus loved a bunny. Okay. He loved a bunny. Now, I would like to relate that also now that we've sort of dissected the lore of that religious holiday. Okay. That's one Jesus holiday. Let's go ahead and dissect Santa's involvement in January 6th.
I'm just joking, Santa's involvement in Christmas Day. As we all know, he was there, he was in the manger, he had the little elves in the manger, they were sort of running the guest list.
So when the wise men and the donkeys, the asses, if you will, were all in that manger after they were at the Holiday Inn and Joseph and Mary were like, please look at my wife. She's like about to pop. And the Holiday Inn employee was like, okay, sir, can I see some ID? Like, and he was like, I don't have an ID. And they were like, well, have you stayed with us before? And, you know, Mary was like, oh, I've been here before. And Joseph was like, really? When were you here? She was like, oh, about nine months ago. And the receptionist is like,
Right? The Holiday Inn, Jerusalem, Bethlehem receptionist was like, I see what's going on here. Joseph's like, Mary, I've never put my card down here. I've never even been to this Holiday Inn. I've never even been here on vacation. What the fuck were you doing here? And Mary was like, I...
It was a work trip, you know, exactly nine months ago. And of course, she was about to pop that night. Now, the lore and legend that Mary was in, what's the word? Not infertile. That's the opposite. Infidel. Infidel. A person who does not believe in religion or who adheres to religion other than, nope, not what I'm thinking. What is it when you're not loyal? Another word for infidel.
Y'all know the word I'm thinking of. Nice to meet you. Or maybe we've met before. I'm the COVID-19 virus. I use disguises to fool your immune system. My buddy, the flu virus, and I make thousands of people sick every year. But updated vaccines make it a lot harder.
Don't make it easy for these viruses. Stay up to date on your COVID-19 and flu vaccinations this fall. Sponsored by Champions for Vaccine Education, Equity and Progress. CVEEP.org. Holy shit.
synonym for unloyal. It's not impotent. That means your peener can't get hard. And incontinent means that you shit yourself or piss yourself. What is another word for unloyal? Faithless, false. No, you bitches don't understand me. Disloyal, apostate, cheating, faithless, false, perfidious. That's a fantastic word.
In... Come on, dude! What is the word? Yell it out if you know it. Is it not infidel? In... In... Cheating synonym. Avoid, escape, evade, elude, dodge, duck. No, idiots! I'm gonna say infidel, even though that's not right. If you're an infidel, what the fuck was I talking about? We will truly never know. Oh, Mary at the Holiday Inn Express checking in. Okay, so...
The receptionist is like, okay, I am seeing a record for Mary Joseph. You have never put a card here with us before, okay? Now, they were turned away inevitably. We know that, of course. They go off to the manger. The squad pulls up, the wise men, all of the asses and the horses and the king's men. I honestly don't know if Jack and Jill made it that night, but
And I don't think that Rumpelstiltskin was alive at the time. So I'm just trying to remember everyone who was in the major at the time. Of course, we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and Murr. Of course, we know that the wise men brought Frankenstein and Murr. Okay. The wise men showed up with some gifts, with some baby shower gifts for the inevitable birth of baby Jesus, of course.
tender and mild Dunkin' Honey Barbecue. They showed up and they were like, we brought you a nice diptyque candle. It's Frankenstein scented. And we brought you some Merp gifts. They went to Spencer's beforehand, the gag shop. They went to Hot Topic and Spencer's. They got Jesus some truck nuts. They got Jesus...
They got Jesus one of those glasses that looks like the 3D movie glasses, but it's got the little chain that dangles down and it's got a mustache on it. Merp. They got him a little mustache bow tie. Oh my God, we have got to. Have y'all seen those TikToks that are like bows are the coquette bows are this generation's mustaches. You bitches are doomed to repeat the cycle.
You bitches are doomed to repeat the cycle inevitably the same way, just a little different, okay? Oh, millennials so cringe with the chevron and the galaxy print. Guess what? Ours is that wavy checkerboard and the ugly fucking...
What's the other print? Y'all know what I'm talking about, but it's the bows too. Bows on everything, coquette, this, that, the other. I am just so interested to see what sociologists have to say about the fuckery of internet culture right now and how it is so similar, but so, so, so, so vastly different. Okay, anyway, back to the manger. We're in the major. Frankenstein. Merp. What was the third thing they brought? What did the wise men bring?
Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar? That was their names? I didn't know they had names! Three wise men, or magi as they were known, whose names were Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar. Travel to- Sorry, I cannot get over Melchior. That kind of is a gorgeous name. So they had Caspar the Friendly Glowst, Glowst, Melchior, and Balthazar. What?!
The Bible is just a bunch of dudes who smoked crack and were like, this would be so crazy. What if a baby was born unto the world where you could fuck around and it would all be his fault? It would be Jesus's fault. Wouldn't that be crazy? And then they wrote a book and everyone was like, holy shit, this happened? That's my theory.
Okay, so of course you guys know that Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar traveled a far distance to pay homage to Christ. They brought with them fine gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Three Kings Day, or El DĂa de Reyes, remains an important holiday for Catholics. Don't even think about it for Christians, though. Christians, we're not doing Three Kings Day. Three gifts had a spiritual meaning. Gold as a symbol of kingship on earth, frankincense as a symbol of deity,
Okay, right. And myrrh as a symbol of death. Okay, now why would they do that? Why would they go ahead and symbolize death? It's a really morbid gift to bring to a baby shower. That's an SNL skit. Why the fuck would he bring death oil to the baby shower? No, I know. And we told him the dress code. No, I literally sent an email. I bumped it. I sent a partiful invite. I told him the dress code.
Hi. Hi, Balthazar. No, yeah, over there on the table. Thank you so much. Yeah, yeah, in the kitchen. Okay. No, okay, so the death oil, like, I understand sort of, you know, I guess the sort of trinity of... Right, right. It's really rude if you think about it. Okay. Anyway, this dates back to origin in Contra Celsum. Whatever the fuck that is. Gold as to a king, myrrh as to one who was mortal, and incense as to a god.
Okay, because he's all three. Right, the king who was promised, the prince who was promised. If you think about it, Aegon Targaryen from Game of Thrones is Jesus Christ. What does H Christ stand for? Jesus his Christ. What does Jesus H Christ stand for? Reddit. What does the H stand for in Jesus's name? It is crazy to think Jesus was a white man, by the way.
In partially Latinized form, the IHC component is rendered JHC. This is the origin of the interjection which seems to imagine that H is Jesus' middle initial. It stands for Hugh, and Christ his surname, rather than his title, Ho Christus, the anointed. Not Ho Christus. What do people mean when they say Jesus H Christ?
Okay, y'all are not answering what H stands for. What did Jesus call himself? Light of the world. All right. In John 8, 12, Jesus applies the title to himself while debating with the Jews and states, I am the light of the world. He who follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. Okay, we all know that Bible verse. I really don't have to repeat it to you. Does Jesus have a brother? Interesting question.
Mark 6-3 names James, Joses, Judas, conventionally known in English as Jude, and Simon as the brothers of Jesus. But they're not actually like blood brothers. Like if they were to recreate The Hangover and it was like Jesus, Judas, that's actually a funny concept.
If they were to recreate The Hangover, Judas is like Alan, okay? Jesus, Bradley Cooper, I'm imagining. Or the one, Doug. Doug, who of course gets left on the rooftop, sunburned, crisped to death. I do wonder, because I've talked about this before, which is a crazy thing to say. I have talked about this before on this podcast.
Jesus, there is a theory, and this is not me being funny, okay? Pause for a second. There is a theory that not many religious historians or, you know, scientists, I guess...
believe, but it is a long-withstanding theory that Jesus had a child, and there is a Christ-like bloodline that still exists in the world today. It's the premise, the theory of which the plot of The Da Vinci Code is based on, that they have found the sole surviving member of the Christ bloodline, and you have to keep her safe or whatever. What does that mean for anything? I don't know.
You know, like I really don't know what the implications of that theory is. Maybe we should Google it again. Did Christ have a kid? Oh, they're saying her name was Sarah. The legend of Sarah. Christ have a kid theory. There is no historical or scriptural basis for the idea that Jesus had a son. The hypotheses that imply he did, however, are mostly based on conjecture on the meaning of non-canonical scriptures. Don't know what that means. How many wives did Jesus have? None.
He was not married. Jesus died a virgin. Joseph was the legal father who raised Jesus, who was Jesus' girlfriend, who was Jesus' first wife, who was the son of Jesus. It's so crazy to think that an entire religion, so many religions are based on texts that were probably most likely translated incorrectly. A crazy, crazy thing.
No, absolutely no hate or I'm not shitting on anyone who is of the faith, of any faith. You know where I stand on that. If it helps you sleep at night, if it gives you a purpose in life that is to help your fellow man or your fellow brother and sister, power to you. I think religion can be a beautiful thing when used properly. But holy shit, even in my time of being in the church, I've
There are so many different interpretations and translations of the same holy text. And it's so scary to think that depending on who the ruler was at the time, that there is a literal version of the Bible called the King James Version of the Bible. Who knows what was left out? There's, oh my God, I've seen all those documentaries on the History Channel, on A&E, on whatever of like,
How different would Christianity or Catholicism be if the kings were not ever allowed to dictate what was allowed to be mass printed, what was allowed to be in every person's home? For a long time, that's why the –
and don't quote me on this, but the monks kept the holy texts because, first of all, the populations of these countries were illiterate. They couldn't read, even if they had a copy of the Bible. The printing press had not been invented yet, so they were all being transcribed by hand. And you had to, to get the word of God, quote unquote, you had to go to a service. You know, like it was a communal thing. Once it became, you know, everyone can own a copy of the holy text, I think that leads so...
It's control in a different way, you know? Very, very interesting that it's literally called the King James Version when you really sit down to think about it. Crazy. Anyway, moving on. I want to talk about, we talked about Easter, okay? We talked about the birth of Jesus. Santa. I've got questions, okay? Santa, do you think, my main question, I guess, is how old is the fucker?
He was there at the time of God being born. Okay, some of those drawings, you know, is he pictured in the manger? What did Santa bring? Okay, we've got Frankenstein. We've got Merp. We've got Balthazar with his crazy, I don't know, he brought just like gold ingots. What is ingot? Ingot. A block of steel, gold, silver, or other metal, typically oblong in shape. Crazy, by the way. Why did they do this? What were ingots used for? Crazy shape. Ingot.
massive metal cast into a size and shape such as a bar plate or sheet convenient to store, transport, and work into a semi-finished or finished product. I guess because it was like hand size. You can pick it up however much you need to melt, smelt. What's the difference between melt and smelt? Difference between melt and smelt.
The fundamental difference between melting and smelting is that melting is a process in which the state of a substance is changed from solid to liquid by heating it. While smelting, stay with me, smelting is a process of obtaining pure metal from its ore by heating it to a higher temperature. So what the fuck comes away when you smelt something? What is left over after smelting? Slag.
What did you just call me, dude? Depending on where you're from, it may be an insult, a term meaning trash, or in our case, the waste left over from metal smelting or refining. Now that's actually going to be from the USgeologicalsurvey.gov, USGS.gov. That's crazy.
Now, that actually does make sense because when I used to mine in the Webkinz, what was that called? The Webkinz mine. When I would put in hours,
You bitches, okay, there were some people who were in the mines for Minecraft, you know, like you were really in there, you had your pickaxe, you had your steel, whatever, you're doing your thing. I was in the real mines where it counted, looking for that Webkinz rainbow diamond. I was looking for that W rainbow diamond, and you had to get all the sort of lower tier diamonds,
Let me go ahead and move this microphone closer so you can hear what I'm saying, dude. You had to get the lower tier diamonds of all different sort of, let's look it up, Webkinz mining game. Here we go. Yes, dude. Okay. Green gems, yellow gems, blue gems, red gems.
Oh, these are just to die for, y'all. They are gorgeous. I mean, truly, like, it's something. I feel so much like a dragon hoarding treasure when I see something like this. I mean, it's just too beautiful to pass up. I understand. You remember that episode of Rick and Morty where the dragon, Rick and the dragon bond? And they, like, live. I feel like someone just knocked on the door and was like, what are you talking about? Hey, what? Anyway.
Back to what I was saying. Rick Sanchez and the dragon, Morty's dragon, bond over their shared love of like special items. It's like a future record signed in Percocet. Stupid. Fucking dumb. Like original toys from the 70s and 80s. This would be mine. If I bonded, if I soul bonded with a dragon, okay? Mind, body, and soul.
This is what would be in the dragon's horde. It would be underground in a cave somewhere. It would be lit by Minecraft torches, and I would be face-to-face with the dragon, and we're soul-bonded, so I can touch the horde, okay? Everything he owns, I own, and he understands that. It's a mutual connection.
This shit, dude, look at this. Seastone, Aqua Orb, River Ripple. I remember like cumming in my pants as a child when I got any of these higher ones. Corona Topaz, Pyramid Plunder. Dude, the Red Ruby Heart. It was such an, oh my God, this one, dude. The Goober Glitter. The Goober Glitter. The Goober Glitter Yum Zum Sparkle Unicorn Horn, Webkinz Diamond. Wow.
There was not a joy more pure in this lifetime than when you've collected every single gem. Do you know how many hours you had to log to get every single gem? And multiple. You'd get multiple of some of them to unlock that Webkinz diamond. You own the world, okay? It shouldn't have been the King James Bible. It should have been the Webkinz, whoever the overlord of Webkinz was. What's his name? Artie. It should have been the Artie Webkinz Version Bible. Artie...
Smash. Smash. And some of you hate to hear me say that. Some of you hate to hear me say that this DILF dog in a bomber jacket with all of his oddities and all of his eclectic collection, I would give it up for free. And I know that's jarring for some of you to hear, and I'm not going to apologize because that's what's on my heart.
That's what's on my heart. When you got a bomber jacket like that, you either pawned off like your wedding ring or, you know, like you divorced your wife, something happened, or he did, he served. He served in the military. He served in the Webkinz military. And now that you bring it up, thank you for bringing it up. I do think that Webkinz has something to do with my innate fixation on anthropomorphic animals. Okay. The furry thing. I don't really know if I'm joking anymore. Started off as a joke. I'm not really joking.
Okay, I have a real fascination with that shit. I got a real fascination with Artie Fact. Oh my God, that is just to die for. Artie Fact is his name. That is adorable, y'all. I love it. I would give anything, anything to go for one more, one more little dig in the mines. I wish someone could hack into Webkinz and make it where you can play the gym hunt for four hours straight. I want to just go through and ding, ding,
Tink, tink, slag. Tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink. Unicorn booger or whatever the fuck. It was my joy. It was my pride and joy to go in there every day. You could only do two a day or one a day and then they'd kick you out of there, which is crazy because I feel like if you want my labor, I'm offering it for free. I am in the mind. Okay, I suited up. I'm here. I've got my tools. I'm tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, slag. I'm going back in it. I'm diving in for more. I'm going to keep at this shit until I have them all.
I, if anyone has a hack or if Webkinz, if you're listening, if you're still running, I don't know if Webkinz, I've played it on my YouTube channel before. I don't know if it's a rewrite the way they rewrote Club Penguin. RIP, I think they took it down. Miss Club Penguin. I don't know if Webkinz has cheats like that. If they do, please, dude, I'll go on the, I'll go on the dark web. I don't give a fuck. Somebody make an edit of the Webkinz gym hunt where I can do it until I get the Webkinz diamond all in one sitting. I'll sit there for four hours. I'll stream it. I don't give a shit.
Oh my God, I'd give anything. Okay, go back. What is in gelatin? Okay, how did we stray so far? Go back. Oh, I was talking about Santa. Right. Don't know. Again, I should be on one of those game shows where you have to connect dots to get somewhere. I could do it. I could do it in 30 seconds or less. Give me time. Let me cook, okay? Santa Claus, Saint Nick,
Papa, she sure. Y'all remember that Disney Channel commercial at the beginning of every VHS tape? They would do that. Here we go. And then it would be Papa, she sure. That clip from the Santa Claus. Okay. Known as many. Chris Kringle. Who the fuck is Chris Kringle, dude? Chris Kringle. Is that German? Chris Kringle.
By assimilation in the United States of the separate German tradition of the Christkindl, Christkindl. Oh, now this is very interesting. This is almost like it's an angel. Oh, my God. Who is Christkindl? Let's hear it. Christkindl. Christkindl is the traditional Christkindl. Oh, my God, y'all. Everyone listen up. We're about to learn something.
Let's hear it one more time. Christkind. Christkind is the traditional Christmas gift bringer in Austria, Switzerland, southern and western Germany, the Czech Republic, Croatia, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, and the eastern part of Belgium, Portugal, Slovakia, Hungary, parts of northeastern France, Upper Silesia in Poland, parts of Latin America, and certain areas of southern Brazil, and in the Acadiana region of Louisiana.
"KrĂskind" is called in Portuguese "Meninu Jesus", in Hungarian "Little Jesus", in Slovak "Little Jesus", in Czech "Little Jesus", in Latin America "Ninho Dios" "Child God" or "Child Jesus", and in Croatian "Little Jesus". Okay, what is the history?
The Christkind was adopted in Catholic areas of Germany during the 19th century. To this date, the Christkind remains the main gift bringer in many Catholic countries. So Catholics are not rocking with Santa Claus. They do not recognize Santa Claus as the patron saint of Christmas. That's fucked. The Christkind is a sprite-like child? What the fuck?
Usually depicted with blonde hair and angelic wings. Martin Luther intended it to be a reference to the incarnation of Jesus as an infant. Christ, wait, sometimes the Christ child is, instead of the infant Jesus, interpreted as a specific angel bringing the presence. That is just not as fun as a fat, happy old man with a beard. Maybe now that I'm thinking about it, that tradition is very fucking weird. Okay?
It actually does make more sense that an angel will come down and be like, I'm like the baby Jesus here to give you a toy versus a fat old man in the mall. Like come sit on granddaddy's lap. Come sit on my lap. I'm sweating and I'm drunk. Come sit on my lap. I'm 58. Never had kids of my own.
That is very, very strange. Now, the thought and origin of whatever the fuck St. Nicholas is, we're about to get into. Because I wonder if St. Nick is in the Bible. Text St. Nick and ask him, was he in the Bible?
I'm trying to remember if he's in the manger scene. I don't remember. I don't think so. I don't think he witnessed the birth of Christ. Because if Saint Nick was like a creepy uncle, you know, like, I used to change your diapers, boy. And Jesus was like, thanks, Saint Nick. I really don't like when you come to my birthday parties. You know, kind of creepo.
And I do also have some logistical questions about, you know, where is Santa allowed to fly? What air zones? Okay. Like, is he allowed in certain air spaces, like above Canada, above the United States? Will we shoot him down? And does he have security clearance to sort of be over the DC area? A lot of things don't really make sense. Santa Tracker, Nord Santa Tracker,
What, do we have a microchip, dude? Do we have a fucking satellite on him? I have so many questions, okay? I remember as a child, we would pull that shit up on the TV and I would be sat. I'd be like, he's over Portugal. Nice. Don't know where Portugal is. Didn't even know that was country. I'm seven. I'd be like, Portugal, he's almost here. Portugal, he's getting close. No idea.
I have always wondered, and they even got that shit on the news. They're like, Santa spotted somewhere over Washington State. He was gunned down approximately 30 minutes ago. More to come at 10. Like, how do you bitches have him microchipped? Did you have him in a lab? Was he in Area 51? I'll get to that in a second. We're back to Christkind. Children never see the Christkind. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Go back.
The Christkind is a sprite-like child, usually depicted with blonde hair and angelic wings. Okay, why is he Aryan, by the way?
Sometimes the Christ child is, instead of the infant Jesus, interpreted as a specific angel bringing the presence, as it appears in some processions together with an image of little Jesus Christ. Later, the Christkind was said to make rounds delivering gifts with Saint Nicholas. All right, now you know I'm going to click on this blue hyperlink on the Wikipedia page to who the fuck is Saint Nicholas. Okay, that is terrifying.
15th century icon of Saint Nicholas the Wonder Worker. Dude, this is like lore being revealed to me right now. What? Holy shit, Santa was born in the year 270 and he died in the year 343. Okay, Santa actually died. We are seeing a corpse. So Santa is the second coming of Christ. It already happened, dude.
Oh, it already happened. He was born during the Roman Empire and died during the Roman Empire. Whoever's up there in the sky on Nord Tracker is a fucking fraud. What? Why have I never heard this? Saint Nicholas of Myra.
Also known as Nicholas of Bari, was an early Christian bishop of Greek descent from the maritime city of Myra during the time of the Roman Empire. Because of the many miracles attributed to his intercession, he is also known as Nicholas the Wonder Worker, toy shop owner, elf boss.
St. Nicholas is the patron saint of sailors, merchants, archers, repentant thieves, children, brewers, pawnbrokers, toy makers, unmarried people, and students in various cities and countries around Europe. His reputation evolved among the pious, as was common for early Christian saints, and his legendary habit of secret gift-giving gave rise to the traditional model of Santa Claus through Sinterklaas.
This is insane, dude. Little is known about the historical St. Nicholas. Who is this man? He only lived to be about 73. We're going to click on Santa Claus. Santa Claus, also known as Father Christmas, St. Nicholas, St. Nick, Kris Kringle. Originating in Western Christian culture who is said to bring gifts during the late evening and overnight hours on Christmas Eve. Where the fuck? These, the legends are so intricate. Like, I could do this for hours, dude. Who was like...
Okay, this is going to be the patron saint of people with eczema. Patron saint of single women over the age of 35, but younger than 40. Patron saint of, like, it's so hyper-specific. Patron saint of toy makers and horse riders, but only if you have ridden on a saddle, not bareback. What the fuck are you talking about? Saint Nicholas was a 4th century Greek Christian bishop. There we go. Predecessor figures, okay? Okay.
Father Christmas dates back as far as 16th century in England during the reign of Henry VIII, when he was pictured as a large man in green or scarlet robes lined with fur. His physical appearance was variable, with one image being John Leach's illustration of the Ghost of Christmas Present in Charles Dickens' festive story A Christmas Carol, 1843. As a great genial, genial man,
In a green coat lined with fur who takes Scrooge through the bustling streets of London on the current. Yeah, we all know the story, dude. It's crazy how it changes through every culture. But look, it's all Sinterklaas. Netherlands. Okay, this is, this is, oh, fuck. What are people from the Netherlands called? Dutch? This is so embarrassing, dude. Please, I'm so sorry. What are people from the Netherlands called? Dutch. There you go.
This is going to be Dutch Santa riding a horse. American Santa's fat ass would kill a horse. And I can tell you that right now. Then after Santa's killed the horse, I'm going to take the horse, grind it down with my Mordian pesto. Grind that shit down, dude. I'm putting it in my s'more. I'm putting it in my peep. There's something called a religious cycle. And this is part of that beautiful process, okay? Okay.
Thought I smelled smoke. Got kind of nervous, okay? Wasn't going to stop the recording, though. If I smelled smoke, I would have sat here and let the fumes get to me, okay? Now, again, I'll go back to this. Now that we've sort of covered the evolution of the lore, American Santa Claus, first of all,
Does he have to abide by trade relations? Because he is trading. He's bartering and trading, okay? Sometimes you get in these sort of no-man land waters, okay? Is he able to enter that airspace over no-man's land? Is he able to enter airspace over maybe countries that the United States have tensions with? Also, where's the North Pole? I feel like the North Pole is this sort of Garden of Eden situation. Few are allowed in, no one comes out.
Okay, except him. He has, it's like a Kim Jong-un situation. Maybe the North Pole's in North Korea. Who's to know? Not for us to know. I wonder as well, if we sent a military operation into the North Pole, who's making it out alive? I can tell you right now, Navy SEALs. The Navy SEALs, why have we not infiltrated the North Pole, dude? Figure that shit out. Some people say the North Pole is in the Netherlands, I think, because Kourtney Kardashian went there. Where is the North Pole?
The Arctic Ocean. Yeah, like you're a liar, dude. You're a liar. It's uninhabitable. I did see something recently that said flowers are growing in Antarctica. We're going to die. Flowers are growing in Antarctica. We are going to die. Hope you've had fun. Hope it hasn't been full of sorrow and misery because guess what? We're going to fucking die. Climate change is here. It's over. We're going to die. The North Pole is found in the Arctic Ocean. Which country is the North Pole?
With no land to be claimed, crazy by the way, how is there still land on this planet that humans have not laid claim to? I don't care how uninhabitable it is, how has no one claimed it? The North Pole and its surrounding high seas do not belong to any country. That's genuinely fucking wild. Whoa. The North Magnetic Pole is the same, which is the point on Earth where the planet's magnetic field points directly downwards. Imagine a needle on a compass. Whoa.
Can I visit the North Pole? It is possible to travel to the North Pole in June and July when the ice is thinner or in April if traveling via helicopter. All North Pole voyages start and end in Helsinki, Finland from where you'll fly by charter plane to Murmansk in the Northwest Russia, in Northwest Russia to board your ship. Damn. I know that shit's like cold. Damn, shit must be cold for real. Stupid idiot.
Five things you don't know about the North Pole. Let's read it. National Environment, National Environmental Satellite Data and Information Services.gov. All right. There's no land at the North Pole. What, dude? This image shows ice in the Beaufort Sea, which is just north of Alaska.
Unlike Antarctica, there's no land at the North Pole. Instead, it's all ice. It's floating on top of the Arctic Ocean. I wonder what Santa's insurance looks like because if you don't have a stable... Trust me, I used to be an insurance agent. If you're...
if foundation is cracked, if you do not have a stable sort of, you know, integral foundational integrity of your build, we're going to charge you out the ass. Okay. Because you are a major liability or a major risk to the carrier. Those rates are going to be insane. And the more flowers that grow in Antarctica and the North pole, the thinner the ice gets, we're going to raise your rates even more. Okay. Constantly re rating the factors that affect your premium. Okay. So,
If you are living on a literal sheet of ice that is cracking because we keep fracking, because RuPaul keeps fracking,
I don't really know what else there is to say there. You want to keep living there, Santa? We're going to charge you, okay? And guess what? Your workers comp, that's going to be a different company. Some insurance carriers will do all of it together. You can have commercial insurance as well as your home and auto and, you know, whatever. Some won't. Some like to keep them different, okay? Workers liability must go crazy for Santa in the North Pole because you got a lot of
arguably minors, okay? Working for you day in, day out, very little paid time off. And where are they going to go? Like I said, no one leaves the North Pole, okay? You can enter, you'll never come out.
I wonder what the quality of life is like. I would like to get, who's the guy who does horrible bosses? That shit, I'd like to get him in there. See what kind of business they're running. Is this like a She-Anne factory? You know, I have some questions for Santa Claus. I also have some questions for his security clearance. I'll keep coming back to this. How are they letting him fly over some of these countries? You know, if Santa was flying over my country, Broski Nation, of course,
I would have some sort of, you guys seen Top Gun, the second Top Gun, where they have to make that impossible climb. So they're, let me, I'm about to be a 16-year-old boy for a second, okay? And I'm going to include some sound effects. The plot of Top Gun 2 is that there is this super confidential classified mission where an enemy is housing a,
a weapon underground or like a source of, couldn't tell you, it's like a metal or a chemical underground. And they use it to fuel weapons.
The top gun pilots have to enter this airspace below where the guns will shoot them down, okay? So they have to enter below that air range, below that height, which is an incredibly tight thing. Now, it's also going to be through a canyon, okay? Now, when the planes go through, you have a wingman, okay? You have the main plane, and then you have someone behind you to sort of like watch your six, okay?
They're in this canyon, they're going, they're turning, they're pulling, and they have to stay below the radar. Then they have to make this impossible climb still below where the, they're not missiles, they're just like guns. They're automated guns that when you enter that airspace, they'll start firing.
They have to make this impossible climb where they climb up all the way up the side of this mountain and the G's you're pulling when you're going at that speed at that direction, you know, at almost a 90 degree climb. It's impossible almost not to pass out, okay? The human body can only take so much G-force and G-fuel. The human body can only take so much gamer fuel before it perishes, right?
So they're climbing, they're climbing, they're climbing. They have to quickly then come up over the curve of this mountain, go upside down. Okay, upside down, you autocorrect. Then going in blind,
drop a missile into the little cavern, where the bunker is, where the bunker housing these resources are. Then you have to quickly pull up again, pull up again, and return again over the other side of the mountain. Okay, impossible, nearly impossible. I wonder...
If the Broski Nation Air Force could accomplish such a feat if Santa was caught in our airspace, because I know that the velocity and the speed of that fucking sleigh is nothing on like an F-22. Okay. What did Tom Cruise fly? What did they fly in Top Gun 2? Top Gun Maverick. F-A-18. Super Hornet.
F-18F, Super Hornet Jet, which is a far newer model than the F-14 Tomcat used in the original. What plane do they fly in Top Gun Maverick? P-51 propeller-driven fighter plane. That's not true. That's in the very beginning. I'm talking about what they actually practice in. Why did they fly F-18s in Top Gun Maverick? Jerry Bruckheimer was the producer, period. He also did Pirates of the Caribbean, period, bitch. Let's see an F-18. Yeah.
Okay, so Broski Nation Military, we're rocking with F-18s. This is kind of what you guys, and I do mean you guys, would be operating. Now, shoot Santa down at any risk, at any cost. Get him out of our fucking airspace, dude. He is a liability and a risk to our national security. He threatens everything we stand for. You let Santa in, you let anyone in, okay?
To be a member of this country, to be a member of this nation is a privilege. Is a privilege and it's coveted, okay? Are all of you automatically conscripted for military service? Yes, okay? Are there any benefits of being in Broski Nation? Very, very few, okay? We are in a recession. We're in the red. Food rations, incredibly low. All of the money goes to military spending. All the money goes to the F-18s.
Okay, so now that we know that's what's coming up in, you know, the sort of military strategy. Again, this is all classified information. This does not leave between you and me. This is a briefing, okay? It does not leave the two of us. We have got to get serious about this stuff because Christmas is coming. I know it's February, but this shit is real, okay? Santa cannot keep getting away with this. Santa is a rogue agent.
Santa Claus is a threat to national security and I will not have it anymore. I've always wondered that. That is, you know, on Nord Tracker. Also, what is Nord? Nord VPN. Nord Tracker. Santa. Oh, so it's NORAD. It's NORAD. And I do wonder what that stands for. NORAD. Oh, what the fuck?
NORAD tracks Santa. Come back December 1st. To see what NORAD does the rest of the year, visit us at NORAD.mil.milf. North American Aerospace Defense Command. That's what it is. That's pictured. North American Aerospace Defense Command. There's all my questions answered, dude.
Every question I just asked for the last 40 minutes is just answered. Look at this four-star general. Hell yeah, he's hot. All right, let's see it. Crazy, by the way, that it's like North American aerospace fucking, and that it's like, here's where Santa is. We're going to gun him down.
Chris Kringle shot dead 30 miles southeast of Miami, Florida. Body being recovered. With him were two minor elves kidnapped from their home in the North Pole. It's a really, really just gut-wrenching, horrible story. More to come tonight. You are not going to want to miss this. Vital to defense. Okay. About NORAD. NORAD history. Damn, do you think they're hiring? Could they use someone like me?
If this supreme leadership doesn't work out, I'm applying to NORAD. NORAD. Hoorah. Press releases. No, dude, show me the history. NORAD history. Come on. Here we go. Okay. The North American Aerospace Defense Command is a United States and Canada binational organization charged with the missions of aerospace warning, aerospace control, and maritime warning for North America. Why is Mexico not included in that?
That's my question, first of all. Aerospace warning includes the detection, validation, and warning of attack against North America, whether by aircraft, missiles, or space vehicles, through mutual support arrangements with other commands. Aerospace control includes ensuring air sovereignty and air defense of the airspace of Canada and the U.S.,
The renewal of the NORAD agreement in May 2006 added a maritime warning mission, which entails a shared awareness and understanding of the activities conducted in U.S. and Canadian maritime approaches, maritime areas, and internal waterways. Not seen anything about Santa. Okay. Where is Santa? Anywhere on this website do they address the security risk that is Kris Kringle. Santa. They've been tracking this motherfucker for 66 years.
And they still haven't gunned him down. Every day of the year, NORAD defends North America using an all-domain and globally integrated approach to track everything that flies in and around Canada and the U.S. On December 24th, NORAD adds a special mission tracking Santa. Like many origin stories, NORAD's mission to track Santa began by accident. Of course. Also how a donut was created, by the way. They dropped a bagel. Wait. The opposite. That's how... Yeah. How...
was a donut created the history of the donut dutch immigrants in 17th and 18th century new york then new netherland who prepared fried dough balls called ollie koken which means oil cakes they were similar to modern donuts how is the donut invented am i tweaking how are bagels made all right we'll come back to that in a second don't know what i mean though one of them was created by accident because they dropped it in hot oil and they were like it's kind of good like many origin stories
It was an accident. In 1955, a young child trying to reach Santa dialed the misprinted phone number from a department store ad in the local newspaper. Instead of calling Santa, the child called the Continental Air Defense Command Operations Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado.
Air Force Colonel Harry Shoup, the commander on duty that night who answered the child's phone call, was quick to realize a mistake had been made and assured the child he was Santa. After more incoming calls, Shoup assigned a duty officer to continue answering calls and tradition was born. That continued when NORAD was formed in 1958. Hoorah! Each year since, NORAD has dutifully reported Santa's location on December 24th to millions of children and families across the world.
Because of the support, services, and resources generously provided by volunteers and our government and corporate contributors, NORAD Track Santa has persevered for more than 65 years. The watching eyes of the United States government know no limits nor boundaries, okay? We have eyes on one Kris Kringle ready to detonate nukes at any given second, okay? Never forget that. Broski Nation has something similar.
All right, guys, that'll do it for me. I don't know what the fuck I talked about. Unveiling Christian lore, really getting to the bottom of what plagues this country today. Love you guys.
Go watch Royal Court, my interview show with celebrities. Go listen to other episodes of the podcast. I've been doing this shit for a damn near year. All right? We got about 40-something fucking episodes. Go catch up. We've got merch. Broski.shop. Go get that shit. Check that shit out. Also, Jack Skellington Funko Pop added to the collection. Shout out to my friend Katie and Coca-Cola 1995 Bear. All right, guys?
Love you. Be safe. Make good choices. Love you. Bye.