#439 - The Brand Wars
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Welcome back to the base- Welcome back to the basement yard. What the hell are you doing, Frank? Shhh, I'm in- First of all, I'm congested because I've been crying so much. I'm in mourning, so just talk really quick. Why are you in mourning? Oh. Singing creed is not how you pray. I'm pretty sure that if- It counts. If I'm gonna start praying- Yeah. I'm gonna use some creed in there, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's not how you do it. Not at all? There's specific ways to pray.

That doesn't seem... Actually, maybe not. I don't know. I don't like that. But I think you have to write a letter. If I'm going to pray, if I'm going to have a conversation with God... That's fair. You're right. It should be within the parameters of whatever the hell I want. Don't tell me it needs to be like, you have to pray this way. But you have to at least say, dear God, and then you have to end it with amen. And then you can sing your creed in the middle of whatever the fuck you want to do. Like, dear God. Dear God, we are in the spot of a palm.

And then amen. Or amen? Yeah, it wouldn't be very Christian or Catholic-like if they're going to just confine me to strict things I can and can't do. You got amen or amen, which I don't know the difference. I had to mourn. I've been crying so hard. And, you know, just I had to get it out there. Because of our boy? I'm kidding. First of all, I'm a little congesty-testy, you know what I mean? I can hear it. Daddy's a little backed up.

Up here. Yeah, yeah. Backed up down there. Everything's okay. Are you backed up down there? No. Regularly pooping? I'm doing well. Well, now that we know that about you. Yeah, well, you asked. I don't know why. You asked. By the way, I gotta say, love the outfit. Do you? Yeah, seriously. I'm all about it. Thanks. I haven't worn a red shirt in a while, I feel like. Don't you like that when you wear a color you don't normally wear and you're just like, wait a sec. I

I do like that. I'm kind of a bit of a fucking red guy. You know what I'm saying? I'm like a fashionista all of a sudden because I'm wearing red. I wore a yellow shirt one time and I went, this is a new color. And then I went, I don't love it. Really? Yeah, I don't know. I don't think that yellow is my color. It makes me look like I have like... Red works. I will say red works. Blue also works on you. I like when I wear a green. I was going to say, I don't wear enough green. I know I'm wearing the hat right now. Yeah, I like when I wear a green.

I feel like I need more green. And just like blue. Like when's the last time you wore blue? Blue. Like a shirt blue? Yeah. I wear blue. But like blue. What kind of blue? You talking about navy blue? I'm talking like fucking top of that bottle blue. Water blue. Ocean blue. Pacific blue. Cerulean.

Not often. I don't have – it feels like a childish color, but you got to work it in somehow. I feel like regular colors are out now. People wear pastels more. People like earth tones, though. They dress like they're made of rocks or something. Or like they work in a garden or something. I don't like that. Let's bring back colors. Let's bring colors back, Joey. Yeah. I think that's something that we can –

This is the basement, boys. Yeah. We can do going into the spring and the summer. No more pastels. Right. No more earth tones. Let's bring a vibrant green back. Some neon fucking. Like, why does green need to be just held entirely to St. Patrick's Day?

Can we have it back for like the rest of the year? I feel like green had a big year to be honest. Did it? Like Kelly green was like a very popular color. What's that? It's like super, it's like similar to that color. There's a green screen over there, but it's like less fucking, but I want, like, I want to bring that back. Like, I want to bring like fucking punch you in the butt, but,

Like you walk down the street and you're like, I can't even see because you're so bright. Kind of the same with red. I feel like that red is really working for you. This is red as shit. That's very red. This is devil red. Devil's pussy red. Well, I got excited. Devil got a pussy or a cock? It depends how you're talking to him. Devil's got a dick. I said him, though. The Bible says him, so maybe they... If we're going strictly by what the Bible is saying, then sure. You almost sang a Kid Rock song just now. If you're going straight with the... Yeah.

If we're going by the Bible, yeah, I think that, like, they say him. He's a guy. Well, who knows? Because the root of all evil is men. Maybe. I would say. Well, a woman made a man. So maybe she, if she didn't exist, then he. But who made the woman? Another woman. Oh, you're really starting to really get into it, huh? But a woman, this is like chicken and the egg. But a woman has to make the man. Yeah, but a woman can't make a man without a man.

That's true too. And the man puts the thing in the woman and the woman's just a victim in that case. Well, we're getting, well, not like scary, scary, scary. I mean, she's just standing there like I have eggs, but she can't just make a person. The man makes the man. Yeah. We're talking just general like health science here. Yeah. But I'm saying if we had to root it back, so then it is a man because he's the one who starts the whole process of this shit.

But the process wouldn't be starting. You could sit there and argue either way. I would say because the world has been predominantly built off of men and every, you know, facet of our society has been constructed for and by men, then maybe there is one of those things that are a little, you know, more prevalent. Shout out to men, dude. Speaking of, the reason I'm mourning, and so can Jesty Testy. Speaking of men...

We lost our boy. Oh, yeah, our boy, dude. Our boy, Bill Post. Bill... What's his name? Billy? Will Post. I don't know. Bill Post. The founder of Pop-Tarts has died. Not the founder, the creator, dude. Oh, the creator of the Pop-Tart died. And I gotta be honest with you, this is the first time I've seen a picture of this Joker. Exactly. And he looks just like someone who would make a Pop-Tart. He looks like a Pop-Tart guy. He looks like an inventor of something. He looks like he just kind of stumbled into doing something and he was just like...

I am God now. You know what he kind of reminds me of? And I don't mean to speak like this on the dead. And I'm not saying this is insulting, but he does kind of. It's going to be very insulting, folks. It looks like he's like a bird, but you pressed him up against glass. There it is. That's exactly. That's exactly. But it feels like that. He's a very rich man. He made the Pop-Tarts. Was he? Was he rich? Was he rich? He made Pop-Tarts. I don't know, dude. Of course he made. He fucking made Pop-Tarts. He's rich. Look at the glass.

Look at other people that have made stuff. They don't end up becoming rich because of it. Look at Bill Finger. Bet you don't know about that motherfucker, do you? What did he invent? Batman.

Bill Finger is the man who invented Batman. So it was Bob Kane and Bill Finger. Oh, this is going to turn into a whole thing I don't want to even hear. Bob Kane was like, no, no, no, I did it all by myself. And Bill Finger like died in squalor. Bill Finger is a ridiculous name. That's a porno name. Bob Kane? Bob Kane. Also kind of ridiculous. Canes, fingers, what's going on here? There's a lot, but what was his name? William Post. Bill Post?

Billy P? Frank, you don't get to call him that. So listen, as Joey's looking this up, over the last couple of episodes, we have been a little critical of Pop-Tarts. Wait, what is happening?

I typed in William Post into the thing. And? And William Post is the name of the guy, Bill also. Yeah. Is the name of the guy who whatever. But in the corner, there's like Wikipedia. Yep. And it says William Post. William Bud Post was the winner of the Pennsylvania lottery jackpot worth $16.2 million. Shortly afterward, his brother tried to have him murdered for the inheritance.

Could be the same guy. Yo, it's a bad day to be a Bill Post. Guy's winning all money, getting killed by people, and then this guy's dying from being an old bag. Different Bill Post, I assume. Different Bill Post. Okay, I was a little confused there. Yeah. But we've been at odds with Pop-Tarts lately because we have felt that they left us high and dry. Okay? They met us out at the club, took us home for a good 40 minutes of fun, and then afterward they didn't call back.

Oh, I was like, what? One night stand, Joey. I'm a... Yeah. That's what I was talking about. 40 minutes. Good for you. I was gonna say, you want me to make it more your speed? You're fucking six minutes. First of all, we've been on record. You saying like, oh, fucking... I will say that it doesn't matter how long... Can we... Can we... Can we... Can we... As long as we're both... Can we rewrite history here? It's supposed to be fun. As long as like the job gets done. Like you're not paid by the hour. You're paid by the job. You know what I'm saying? I agree. I agree. If you can get it done both ways in...

10 minutes? Yeah. Four minutes? That's what I'm saying. 45 minutes? That's a long time.

I think that you're doing okay for yourself. What happened to work smarter, not harder? You're out there fucking... Exactly. Exactly. What happened to that? You're shutting down two lanes of traffic just to get one job done. Like, what are we doing? As long as... And don't we hate when jobs take too long? You're always like, yo, they've been building this highway for fucking four years. What if they built it in four minutes? Exactly. Wouldn't you be really excited about that? You'd be pretty pumped. If you got your fucking rocks off and a brand new highway...

At the drop of a dime. You know what I'm saying? Yo, how much do you... This is like completely... Not completely off, but like how much do you love when you're driving and all of a sudden you're like, this is a brand new street. Oh, I love it. You're like, oh my God, it's still like black and like tarnished. But then I get pissed. And it's like nice paint and you're like, oh, it's so new. But then I get pissed when I'm driving. You can't even hear your tires. When I'm driving and I go over that and then I go over the old one, it's like...

Yeah, I don't like that. I don't like that shit. I don't like that. And it's like, don't fucking cock-tease me with new asphalt and not deliver. Eventually, you're going to hit some old rickety street, and you're like, this fucking neighborhood sucks. But then you hit that fresh street, and you're like... It's like... That's like your tires. It's like... It's so... Like, the car feels more aerodynamic. Yes, yes. Like, that's your tires.

No, for real, like it's nice. I love a new street. I love it. I did not expect to be so turned on by like new roads. Dude, I fucking love it. Like when there is like new clean roads. Or paint, any paint. Also, but also, also, I kind of fuck with cobblestone. When you're over it, it's like playing a beat on your fucking butt.

Are you talking about driving over? Yeah. Yeah, I don't mind driving over. But like slow. I don't like walking on it though. It's like, what are we doing? I feel like a fucking, like a charlatan. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't like that shit. Well, I don't know if you know the definition of that word clearly. You know, you know what I mean, guys. But walking on like cobblestone.

Is like what I imagine it looks like. You know, sometimes you see a really drunk girl and she's wearing high heels that are probably a little bit too high and she's never worn them before. And she's probably a little inebriated. And she's giving it one of these. Yep, yep. That's how I feel on cobblestone. I'm like, I'm going to catch an ankle and go down here. Yeah, no, you can't walk on cobblestone and not look annihilated. Yeah. Especially because like on this side of what, if like a stone is like this, on this side, you're down here, then you're up here, and then you're down here. And they're not, and they're all misshapen.

There's no- I don't like that. It's part of the appeal, I guess, but like, it's alright. Don't care. Back to Bill. I do want to hear horses walk around. I like that. That on Cobblestone. If I- I'm telling you right now. One of my favorite sounds. If I hear that like- I love it. On fucking Cobblestone. I do love it. I've never ridden a horse in a long time. That's not how you say that. I've never ridden a horse in a long time. Technically. Technically, I'm not wrong.

That was a D minus. So technically, technically I'm not wrong. I've never ridden a horse in a long time. Have you ridden a horse? Yeah, but not in a long time. So I've never ridden one in a really long time. Well, I'm not going to go into semantics, but that is incorrect. I think it works here. Wrong. But what you like an actual like full horse or like a pony?

Are you out here riding different species of horse? A pony is not a horse. A pony- Like a horse is a fucking horse. A horse. Or a pony. Pony. Pony. I haven't ridden a horse. We rode ponies together. In pre-K. We were pony boys. We were pony boys. Yeah. Or was that- It was a pony. It was a birthday party for someone. No, it was a field trip. I remember we rode it. There was a girl in our class whose birthday party we went to. I believe she had horseback riding.

I'll let it fly. Don't, don't. Give me a first name. Um, I'm gonna just give you a hint. Owl. Owl? Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Got it. Got it? Yeah. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we went to her birthday party and it was like at a ranch and we like rode horses. And I think that's the last time. The bitch lived in the same neighborhood as us and she had horses at her shit? I think it was, the party was elsewhere, Joey. Still, that's expensive stuff. I mean, back in the 90s, no one fucking cared about price.

Like you want to ride a horse give us a hundred bucks and show up with as many people as you want I guess they didn't give a fuck one time. I almost I almost Rented out icyp and made a I remember for pennies and I looked up I could I could rent a camel four rides and it was like not even a thousand dollars I remember you looking that up because you wanted to do it for keith's birthday. This is like his 30th birthday I think I mean it was like his 31st birthday or whatever stupid birthday. I remember you saying because I remember you very clearly

Astonished and how much it was to get a camel. Yeah, I was like there's no way It's only this much money to get a camel to drive up the guy had it in like Virginia and was gonna drive it up to these baseball fields But fire we've been at odds with pop-tarts because they left us high and dry and we said listen We didn't get an invite to the pop-tart Bowl. Where have you guys been? I?

Taco Bell was waiting in the wings for their chance to come on here and be... You know what? I feel like you, by yourself, have decided that you're going to push this Taco Bell thing. I'm not pushing anything. I'm just kind of just stating facts here. This is the third episode. But the reason Pop-Tarts has been...

A little distant. Probably. They were going through some hardship. Yeah, they lost a guy. The founder of Pop-Tarts is gone. Bill Poe. And now how are we, as Pop-Tart aficionados, supposed to react? Well, here's the thing, Frank. The head honcho goes down. Somebody's got to step up. Oh.

Someone's gotta step up and if Pop-Tarts, I'm not saying actually do this, but I'm just saying it would be a cool campaign if you let the two basement boys run the company for half a day. Half a day and we come up with ten flavors. I was more thinking of like- Five, five flavors. I was just thinking like a cool, like we go there and like cut a ribbon or something. Just like hear me out, Pop-Tarts. We have such great ideas. By the way, these are all trademarked so you can't take them and if you do, you get sued. Um-

No, you don't. We would start a campaign bringing back Pop-Tarts to the forefront where they deserve to be of pop culture. Okay? Pop culture, Pop-Tarts. Right. We're going to synergy here. All right? Big business Joe over here, by the way. How are you? CEO power Joe. And you know what? We'll bring Greg in. Okay. He could be ideas guy Greg. Yeah. Because that's what Pop-Tarts don't have. Ideas. Cheese. And then we could bring...

I mean, there's got to be something in there that's cheese, you know? No milk or something? I don't know. Wait, milk's not cheese? What am I saying? Milk is dairy, though. Yeah, but... What is cheese made of? No, but he eats dairy. Does he? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. He doesn't eat cheese, but he'll eat... He'll drink milk or have milk?

What's the fucking logic in that? If you're not having cheese, it's because of the dairy. I don't know. Wait, I don't know. Does he eat cheese? This kid doesn't eat cheese. I mean, not cheese. What am I saying? Milk. Yo, what's going on? Do we get him on the horn? Can you get him on the horn real quick? I don't even want to know. Is it going to upset me? I don't want to know that he doesn't drink milk. But Pop-Tarts will bring in idea guy Greg. Yeah. Ahmed the hype man will come on. Right. He'll just make everyone in the office. We're a package deal here at San Agosto Studios. We are. And you have the chance to be back at the forefront of pop culture.

Back. We'll bring five flavors that guarantee to sell out. This is quite a pitch. I'm just saying. So, Pop-Tarts, you're back on the clock. Right. The draft pick has been relinquished. Taco Bell is still waiting in the wings. See, this is what I'm saying. You keep bringing them up, and I feel like you're trying to sneak in a fucking sponsorship here. I'm not trying to sneak in anything. We've also seen other companies. Somebody get this guy a cheesy gordita. Yeah. Well... I know him. I know his body. Well, yeah. Yeah.

Extra meat, please. Can I get a cheesy gordita extra meat? Listen. Double extra? Is that a thing? It will be once I go. Triple meat. Yo, we should just go to Taco Bell and order something that, like, isn't.

Let me get a cheesy gordita Crunchwrap Supreme. Triple meat. And just watch the guy go, what? No, well, the guy, someone tweeted at us and they said, like, I work or worked at Taco Bell and they use the same portion of meat for anything you get, whether it be a singular taco or a Crunchwrap Supreme. Yeah, it's probably just like a plastic scoop. It's like a metal scoop thing. But you're fucking up, Taco Bell. Don't make us come for you. Yeah.

Taco Bell, this could be your chance too. You guys are popped off. Frankie's now creating a bidding war between two companies that are not interested. This is ridiculous. The delusion's on another level today. I'm just saying, Taco Bell is in a very vulnerable state right now. Who knows what's going on? Why is that happening? Because, not Taco Bell, Pop-Tarts. Got it. Very vulnerable state right now because Big Daddy Pop-Tart, Mr. Pop-Tart himself. He should have named it Post-Tart, no? No.

Instead of Pop-Tart? I guess it pops. It pops out of the... And it's a tart. I'm a fucking idiot. Is it a tart? It's the one that had jelly.

Like the one, like the strawberry one was like the first one, no? Strudel? Like, yeah. Is that, what is that? Wait, what is a tart? It's just like a, it's a pastry that has like a tart filling. Tart. Tart. We're going to look up this. The way you say tart is very interesting. An open pastry case containing a filling. Yeah. Okay. So it's a, like Mickey Mouse. It's a boop.

Yeah, they pop out of the fucking toaster. Yo, the toasters were like getting a lot of burn back in the 90s. I don't even use one anymore. We have one. Haven't used it in very long. That's what I'm saying. Unless you're going to make toast, but like how often are you making toast? You ever use toast at an air fryer? Make toast at an air fryer? It comes out great. The air fryer. Dude, that's crazy. The air fryer shit all over the toaster. They've completely destroyed toasters and like toaster ovens. Dude, I want to talk about that.

And I don't know why. And maybe this is just me being a piece of shit. It probably is. But when I go to someone's house. Oh, here we are. And they have one of those. I'm like. You judge them. Yeah. I'm like, what is this? Like where it's like you open the thing and it's like a little mini oven. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's not like an air fryer. It's like an actual mini oven that has like the squiggly hot wires. I'm like, what the fuck is this? I know exactly what you're talking about. Just microwave it.

I do tend to be- What is that called? It's a toaster oven. Oh, yeah. Fuck those. I tend to be a little judgmental of toaster ovens because show me one that has ever worked properly and not looked like fucking Hiroshima after making a single piece of toast in there. Yikes, dude.

Too soon for that, dude. Yeah. Too big? We were just getting over that. Were we? I don't know. I don't know. Well, but they're just like, they are the most dirty things ever. Like, a normal oven doesn't get that dirty. Why does this little baby oven that's on my countertop? Because you only use it when you're fucking hammered, dude. I've only ever seen people use it to make pizza rolls. That's literally it. Elio's Pizza. Pizza rolls...

Bagel bites. Oh you want to rank those? Yeah, wait, so who you Elio's pizza? Who's go? Elio's pizza. Oh, yes pizza. Yeah pizza rolls pizza rolls bagel bites and for the fart fart hot pockets Give me those top four. That's so hard. Yeah, what's last? Personally, yeah personally, I'm gonna upset some people here. Oh

Pizza rolls are last. That's not crazy. I just think they are just little balls of molten hot magma. They are hot as fucking shit or fucking ice cold. Yeah. Nothing is warm. It's steaming hot. Yeah. Smoldering hot or freezing. I think an easy number one for me is Elio's Pizza.

Yes. Yes, I agree. Elio's pizza is an easy one. I don't like that it's perforated loosely. Yeah, why? Why the fuck is it perforated on the bottom? I'm not tearing this. No one's tearing this apart. I'm taking the whole thing like a Shakespearean skull and I'm injecting it into my mouth. I'm not cutting this up. This is going in the face hole. Yes. And if you do get Elio's pizzas for sharing...

That's crazy. I used to make two at a time. Oh, yeah. Easy. You don't make one. Easy. It's like Pringles. Once you pop, you just can't stop. One, Elio's. Two, Hot Pockets. Hot Pockets, too. Hot Pockets are incredible, by the way. Incredible, I will say. Hot as shit, too. And they fuck my stomach up. Do they? Oh, boy. I don't like how they fart. What?

Like when you put them in the microwave and then like it starts farting.

It starts farting out all the cheese and then you go to pick it up and the cheese hits your hand and you burn your hand. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't like that you make me put it in like a nuclear radioactive fucking sleeve. I like it. The same thing they put on my chest when they take x-rays at the fucking dentist. No, I like that. You got to put a bulletproof vest on this thing just to protect it a little bit. I like that. Because then you can pick it up and you just slide it onto the plate. Yes. I don't like that. I kind of keep it in the vest. You cut those, right? No, I don't. You don't cut a hot pocket? I don't. That's the thing. Oh, I cut it in half.

I don't cut it. That's probably not right. I do it because it sounds like it's too hot in here. You have to. I mean, you do it out of necessity. I do it. I don't do it because I'm just stupid. Correct. Yeah. No, I think that's how you're supposed to eat it. That's how they eat it in the commercials. I don't really care. They also tear open Snickers bars like that in the commercials. Yeah, that's kind of insane. And I've never done that. Me neither. But one Elio's, two Hot Pockets, three Bagel Bites.

Four pizza rolls. Bagel bites are like super okay though. Because I hate when you get a bagel bite and like the sauce and cheese has shifted like this way. So it's like three quarters bagel. It's like, what are you doing? Bagel bites. Also, I don't like, like just give me the mozzarella cheese. You don't have to throw in these little like yellow squares. Yeah. Who wants cheddar on their pizza? What the hell are we doing? Figure it out. Like figure it inside and out. Pop-Tarts, we know that you're hurting.

And very vulnerable right now. We're here and we're ready to help you through this tough time. Yeah. Taco Bell. Keep that donut on the bat and swing away while on deck. Frank is just like, let's just keep an open line of communication. We haven't talked to Taco Bell. Keep the emails coming, Taco Bell. It's just crazy that we have not gotten more. Like Pop-Tarts did their due diligence and they came in and they were like, yo, listen, let's do this debate box. Great. Love that. Yeah.

Nobody else nobody else bro. We have pushed hot dogs more than fucking Kobayashi that makes more sense Nathan's you fuck you get not fuck But definitely freak and also Nathan's you might be out and you might see this and just be like these two Who's the other hot dog? There's subret. There's Hebrew national subret. There's ballpark Frank's. Oh I'm Frank. He said he likes ballpark. I do like baby

I love it. He loves it too. Yeah. We're ballpark boys. Yeah. And we'll go to a game and eat a hundred if you need us to or something. Honestly, we should eat a two foot hot dog on the show and meet in the middle. Unbroken edited, you know, unbroken edit. Just us eating a two foot hot dog and meeting in the middle. I'm not going to meet you in the middle. I was kidding.

Who's that? Another hot dog. Boar's Head. They've got hot dogs. Oh, yeah. I don't know about that. I'll do it. I feel like I'm eating a whole bologna. I don't care. There are so many. What is a hot dog? Bologna? Oh, I'm too afraid to ask if I'm being really honest. It's like a cigarette. There's like a lot of shit in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like rat poison. I don't care. You ever see a product like that, like a hot dog, and on the packaging it's like, this was made in a facility with nuts. And I'm like, why? What?

Is this being made in a facility where you're also making nuts? It's not nuts. It's hot dogs. My favorite are the people that post and it's like, once you see this, you'll never want a chicken nugget again. And it's like fucking spoiler alert. Want them even more now. Just saw it. Scrolled past it. Line up the hot dogs. Okay. Listen, we learned that hot dogs take like five minutes off your life or something like that. And we had like 20 in a season. We are very committed. So yeah, that was after we found out that information.

On the podium. Boom. Pop-Tarts. Yeah. Taco Bell. Okay. Any of the hot dog brands. Yeah, yeah. This could be- I would say, you know what? We're going to hit up our father, Greg. I was going to say, our father God? Our father who art in heaven. And I'll be like, yo, just reach out to some fucking hot dogs. Like, let's get some fucking hot dogs. Anyone. And it doesn't need to be anything crazy. Have us host the 4th of July. Crazy. I was going to say,

We'll host the Coney Island. Does it now? A guy in a stupid fucking short paper hat? Yes. I don't want that. It should be us. He's been doing it for a hundred years. He's not that old. He's not that old. But it feels like a hundred years. Listen, we're already in Brooklyn.

It's true. We love hot dogs. We're on the complete opposite side. It's okay. It's all right. We love... Why do you say opposite like that? Opposite. You said complete opposite side. I don't know. We love hot dogs. We're already in Brooklyn. Catch up. Our cholesterol is already questionably high. Just do with that as you may. Is that what it is? That sentence beat the shit out of you. Yeah, well, you know. Do with... Have that...

In the month of May. My head feels like a balloon. Yeah. And I noticed that you have painted nails again. Yes. Ruby wanted to paint both of my hands this time. It's gay. Don't. You know what? I'm playing to our other crowd. Oh, the other crowd? Where they're like, oh, this guy's a lib cuck. Libby cuck. What's the cuck lord? Cuck lord soy boy. Cuck lord. Yeah. Soy boy. That's the one. Right? And I'm wearing red. What?

Go yeah, we do have some sponsors for today folks. You know I'm saying people gotta get paid someone's got to pay for all the you know what? Actually had an exhale when you that look like I listen I saw listen. I can't breathe it. Yeah, I

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Pop-Tarts. I'm not, I'm done talking about that. No, no, no, we're done talking about that. I'm not talking about that. No, can we please get to something? We did half a show on brand deals. And now you want to be taking it serious, Joe? We did half a show talking about- You did half a show on brand deals. I didn't bring up Taco Bell. I could get you to Cheesy Cortina though. But can we talk about please what I have written down right here, which is Asian woman uses tampon as a weapon? Yeah.

We gotta pay the bills. We gotta keep the lights on here. What about this Asian woman using a tampon as a weapon? You brought it up! I did, I did, I did. I saw a video, so. You saw a video? Oh yeah, bitch. You saw a video of an Asian woman pulling a tampon out and swinging it around like a fucking, like a, what's this thing? What's the thing with the ball and the chain? A mace? Bang. You ready? Yeah. You ready? Wait, am I gonna watch it? Oh, you wanna? Is it bloody?

I'll, I don't, I didn't look that hard. I just, I saw what she pulled out. Red or white. I mean, you would know. No. It's not that easy. Maybe she had a, like a light flow. She was on like her third, fourth day. Oh, let's talk about like flows for women. We're the right ones to talk about that, right? Yeah. Wait, did you, was she fighting a man or a woman? A woman. She was fighting a woman.

Oh, no, she's digging in her purse. She's digging around. At this point, it takes way too long for her to... Wow. Like, you have time to get out of there. Oh, wow. And then she... Bang! Oh, wow. She pulled it out like a nun shot. And then she picked it back up and hit it. Did that bounce off her head? It's red, brother. Did it bounce off her head? It's red, dude. Did that bounce off of her head? She's using it like a chancla.

This Asian woman was digging around in her purse, pulled out, I will say. Her lady purse. I will say. Her juicy purse. I will say. That's a big tampon. I've seen smaller ones. So I believe it's a pad. There you can see it action. That's red. Okay, because I was going to say that's a giant fucking tampon. I don't know how that's pretty big. We're not tampon shaming here, Joey. I'm not in the business of tampon shaming. I am just saying it was bigger than I had thought. Have you ever held one?

Why'd you go like this? Like I was holding it like it was a dead bird. You ever held one? No. Yeah, of course. What do you mean, of course? I mean, of course. Like, I have a sister. I've seen tampons before. Oh, so you're holding your sister's tampons? Okay, not like when they're out and about. You're saying, of course, like it's a normal thing. Obviously not pre or post usage, but like in a box, out of a box or something. Yeah. Why is that an of course?

Because, I don't know, you grew up around someone who's got tampons in. Correct. Yeah. I guess that wasn't a topic. We shared a bathroom. There was one bathroom. Six of us. He always talks about this one bathroom thing because it was IBS. Oh. I grew up in a household of women. I never held a tampon until... You had the same amount of women in your house as me. Still. I grew up in a house of women.

You outnumbered the women. We had two bathrooms though. You did. Maybe that was the difference. Yeah, maybe there was a tampon bathroom. Maybe one of them was a strictly tampon bathroom. Listen, at the end of the day, this is what I saw with my own eyes. A fucking Asian woman started digging in her juicy purse, pulled out a tampon, threw it at someone, and then they picked it up, threw it back at her, and it

jumped off her head. Listen, if you in a fight, listen, I've been in one physical fight in my whole life. How many mental? Oh, physical fight. Many mental fights. If you're in a fight, just a word of advice. Yeah. I don't encourage violence or physical altercations.

But if you see someone go in their pants and rummaging around like that Time to go home Whatever is coming out is not good I'm calling my mom to pick me up Don't stay to find out what it is because it's either a gun It's either pee-pee, poo-poo, or like bing-bang Or pew-pew, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, pew-pew, pee-pee, or poo-poo Yeah No matter what it is that's coming out of there, don't stick around to find out I don't care how big your pride is, get the hell out of Dodge

Get out of Dodge. Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm out. I'm out. I'm not sticking around for that. I mean, it's crazy how many of those things exist in the world that are like, it's so actually easy to neutralize a fight because all you have to do is get naked or piss your pants.

Or like... Piss your pants. Shit your pants or something. Bro, if I'm trying to fight someone and they poop themselves, they're crazier than anything I could ever, like, come up with. You have to announce it, though. You have to be like, I'll fucking shit myself right now. What's up? And you're like, wait, are you threatening me with that? And then they shit themselves. You're like, I'm out. Humans are a lot like dogs where when we get in a fight, we just want that fence in between us. We want to show like we're barking, you know, like... We don't want to actually go through and bite.

So if someone's telling you there's nothing holding me back and I'm going to fucking defecate on myself. Yeah. They're insane. Shitting in your own hand and throwing it at a person is a surefire way to win a fight. I could beat up anyone because of that. You realize that? Yeah.

Unless they're crazier than you. You better hope they're not. Because if you throw shit at someone and then they continue to walk towards you, you're dead. Is that like biological warfare? That is probably super illegal. That's a different level of crime, right? Yeah, I think that's probably really illegal. What kind of crime do you think it is? Assault? It can't be a deadly weapon. You could die from a poop.

Like, if I threw shit at your face, and you got shit in your eyes and your mouth and shit, you could get, like, I don't know. Something. Is throwing poop a crime? What is this show, dude? Is throwing poop a crime? If so, lock up the monkeys. I've seen them throw poop. I'm not getting a straight answer. It's just saying, like, if you throw your dog's poop...

Is throwing... What about that too? If I threw a dog... If I got into a fight on the street and I was walking my dog and I had a shit bag with me and it was filled with poop and I threw it at someone, am I going to the slammer? The... So... I gotcha. The OCCJE, which stands for... Who cares? I don't know or care. It refers to it as a bodily fluid assault. Right. You can't like piss fight someone. Well, I don't think anyone is calling it a piss fight. Right. But like...

Because I think this happens... You never saw the show Oz, right? No. It's a great show. You should watch it. It's fucked up. In one episode, there is someone, I believe they're... Someone you wouldn't define as a bad criminal on your end, like an Aryan or something. And you feel for them, right? But someone literally throws a cup full of stuff at them, and it's identified as being piss, shit, cum, and throw up. No, no, no.

And it's That's a body bomb That's a body That's exactly what it is That's a body That's a body bomb What does that smell like? Well think of what piss smells like Okay So you have pee pee smell Right No I know what these individually smell like I'm talking about mixed Just put them together It smells like mustard probably What color do you think it is?

Brown. Yeah. The shit is the like... Oh, yeah. The fucking heavyweight there. It's the banana of that smoothie. Yeah. You can always taste the banana. Exactly, dude. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. Ew. Fuck. But like that's... That gotta be a crime. Like if you're pulling out your bloody...

Pad or tampon and using it as a weapon? Yeah. Wild. Yeah, no, that's straight to jail shit. I would say, like, that's insane. You need to be on the cocktail. No bail, no bail. You need to be on the cocktail if you get hit with that. What does that mean? Oh, that, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, for people to prevent, like, HIV and stuff like that. You said that and I want a margarita. Could have went anywhere. I'll be all right, but... You ever know something that happened to? I did.

Got what? Throw shit at them? No, they were working at like a concert venue or like a theater or something like that. And one of the fucking people performing, they said, can you just go grab something from my bag? And she put their hand in their bag to grab something and she felt a pinch and looked and she got poked on a needle. Who carries around raw needles?

Fucking people that are shooting up Jesus Christmas and she told she like I remember her telling me she's like I had to take a cocktail and it was like It was like seven pills or some ridiculous amount three times a day. Oh my god, which is why dude? That's terrifying. Could you were gonna go somewhere else with that because like when you started saying concert and shit I remember seeing a video of like I think we may have talked about it Remember that it was like a woman was like a rock band and she just took the fattest piss all over some dudes face. Yes, I

But he asked. What is wrong with the whites? What is wrong with the whites? It is the whites. It is the whites. They are all over the place. Jesus. Stop pissing on each other's faces. You're a pee-pee guy. You definitely are. No, I'm not. You definitely are, dude. The right person comes along and asks you to fucking piss on them or them to piss on you. The right person comes along. You're doing it, dude. Don't even sit there. I know you. Because I— Here's a serious question.

I asked Joey a couple weeks ago. I was like, oh, here's a serious question. Says a statement. I said to Joey a couple weeks ago, I was like, yo, if so-and-so wants to peg you, are you doing it? He was like, yeah. Wait, what? I asked if you would get pegged if the right person came along. I did not say yes. And you said, yeah. No, I don't want to get my butt banged ever. Someone asked you to crap on him.

No. Not a fucking chance. You're lying, dude. I'm not. You're fucking lying. Unless a guy in Dubai is like, yo, 10 billion. I'd be like, all right. 10 bills? I'm fucking unloading. Taco Bell. That might be the right time. Sponsored by Taco Bell. 40,000 patrons who go to Dubai and shit on a prince?

If they ask us to. I mean, seriously. No. If we get an email saying like, we'll give you guys a billion. I wouldn't believe it. A billion dollars each. I wouldn't believe it. I'd say we have to have the money first. I'd be like, yo, send half now. And then we get the half. Half a million dollars shows up in my bank account? Half a billion. Half a billion. Dude, I said half a billion. Yeah.

Half a billion dollars shows up in my bank account. I will go there with the fullest tummy. Oh, Joey's. And do him a favor. Joey's letting it rip. You have no idea. That's it. Let me tell you something. If someone pays me a billion dollars for me to crap on them, they're getting the best crap that I've ever produced. I'm trying to make him a repeat customer. You understand what I'm saying?

Big business joke. So you got to really take it. Hey, Pop-Tarts, you still watching? You see, this is the mentality he brings. This is what we need at the top of the food chain. This is what we need. This is what we need. People that are willing to make crappers repeat customers. We also have some sponsors for today. Yeah.

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Uh, but yeah, go click the link in the description or whatever it is. Go down to the app. Seek geek. That's where I get all my tickets for years. Uh, everyone knows that. Okay. So seek geek, download it, put in that code basement, save $20 on your first purchase. You're welcome. Have a great night. Uh, and this podcast is sponsored by better help. So better help is online therapy. Um,

If you want to start doing therapy, this is a great way, great way to do it. I, you know, have been an advocate for therapy for years now. I've been in it for a while and it is amazing. And I honestly, before I started doing it was like, I don't know, you know, I was just kind of like a little bit nervous about what the hell it would be like anyway. But I

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Which you will probably need if you get crapped on. Well, actually, no. That might be like, I imagine if you're into crapping, that's like a release for you. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, like the, like two seconds after you sneeze, it's like you're the, you felt the greatest you've ever felt in your whole life. Yeah, but I feel that way when I pee, but I don't feel like interested in it, dude. Like when you take it, when you, when you finally can pee, like when you've been holding a pee and then you're like, fuck.

Oh, yeah. It's such a good feeling. I feel like I'm floating and pissing. What feels better? That? Mm-hmm. Or orgasming? Orgasming. Um...

Uh, coming, yeah. Yeah. Really? I think that's number one, right? Okay. It's very cool to come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Super dope. I'm just checking. You're all over the place with your... No, I'm not. No, I just want to make sure because sometimes you can... By the way, speaking of piss, I saw a thing that Rainn Wilson, who if you guys don't know, he plays Dwight on The Office. Great show, great guy. He said... Maybe, I don't know. Yeah, cool glasses. I read his book. His book was pretty cool. Yeah? Yeah. Good. Good.

But I heard that he said something like he doesn't wash his hands after he pisses most of the time. Do you wash your hands after you pee? Are you a hand? Let's just, hold on. Let me paint the scene. Okay, all right, all right. Paint the scene. I'm going to close my eyes. You're in your house. Yes. You're like, oh no, bladder all filled up. I don't know why you're talking like that. Yeah, why don't you? But then you go to the bathroom and you take a piss. Then what? I'll be honest with you. Don't be fucking honest. I am being very honest. There are many variables at play here.

Don't complicate it! I'm not complicating it, but if other people are over, yes, because I don't want them to know that normally I wouldn't. Oh, so you wash your hands when you're there. Yeah. Okay, so if you're alone in your house... If I'm alone in my house... Yeah. Like, most days. Most days. I'm alone in my house, I'm going and fucking... Pissing? Pissing. And then I'm getting out of here. I'm getting the hell out of here. Unless I get pee-pee on my hands. Which, how the hell do you do that? Well... It's not flying around like a fire hose. No.

Don't talk about my dick, all right? Yeah. You don't know what's going on. You don't know my dick. You don't know my cock. If there's like people around, like if my in-laws are over or like we have company of any sort, I'm at least turning the water on and making it sound like I'm washing my hands. Hold on. No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. Have you ever... Sometimes. So you've gone to the bathroom and you're like, I know there's people right inside my door, but for some reason you just don't want to wash your hands. I don't give a fart about washing my hands. So you just turn the... So I just go...

And then you stand there. And I stand there and look at myself. And you also like have the time. I'll even go as far as to like get water on my hands and like, you know, like put a little on my like face or something. But no soap. Absolutely not. What?

I don't know! It's just a thing! I'm with you! You're with me, you do the same thing! When I was younger, my parents would be like, "Go take a shower." I would go to the bathroom, turn the shower on, not get in. And then wet my hair in the sink. That's crazy. I love showering. I've always loved showering. I was a young children. I don't know why though. Why don't kids like to fucking sleep, eat, or bathe? This doesn't make any fucking sense to me.

It doesn't make sense. Those are arguably three of my favorite things on the planet. Okay? Sleeping, bathing, eating. Oh, yeah. Those are great. Like, three of the happiest times of my day are when I'm doing one, if not all three of those things. So why the fuck won't kids just do it? I don't know, man. But yes, if I know I have people over and there's a chance that someone's waiting for the bathroom outside the door, I throw...

You do a show. I put on a show for myself. That's funny. I like that. Just because... I appreciate the honesty. I'm being honest. You're being vulnerable. I am being honest and true to myself. And you're not wrong. And there's other people who have done shit like that. Yeah. Now listen. I've probably done that. If I'm crapping, I'm washing my hands like they're... Crapping. Like I'm going into fucking brain surgery.

Let me ask you another question. I need this honesty. Have you ever... You're going to get it, bitch. Have you ever taken a crap and then you're like, I'm good. I'll just flush this. Have I in my life? Yes. In many years? No. So like recently? No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm putting my ass in a toilet bowl and my hand... How do you shit? You don't put it in the bowl. Well, technically you do.

Technically, you sit on top. Yeah, but like it goes in. Oh, yeah, I forgot. I'm working with fucking flat ass over here. Hey, watch it, bud. You're not working with anything. Joey spreads his ass and then sits down. So he's just his fucking asshole is just like exposed. No, I don't. That's how he craps so fast. No. That's what he does. I'm telling you. Ridiculous. Okay, so you wash your hands when you crash. Yes. I have to. So now, beep beep, right? Yeah. We're back to piss. Yep. Let's say you're out.

Somewhere. Is it every time? You wash your hands when you piss? Post-COVID? Yeah. Post-COVID, absolutely. Pre-COVID? You're getting dapped up with piss hands, baby. Absolutely. Absolutely, dude. I don't care. Yeah. Yeah. In my car. Oh. Oh, yeah. You just hand sanitize everything. Hand sanitize. That's right. Yeah, that's crazy. Little pee gets on the steering wheel. Hand sanitize. It's all good. On the steering wheel? Well...

Well, you know, sometimes it gets a little messy. You peeing up? Like what's going on? So here's what I do. I don't want to know. You're going to find out. No, I'm not. Watch. Watch because you will. So I'm driving, right? I like to be in a slightly bit of a reclined situation when I'm driving. Yeah. So what I do is I. You're going back even further. I push my feet. Most of the time I push my car seat real far up.

And then I push my feet up against like, you know, like that, like on the left side of the where, like, you know what I'm talking about? It's like a pedal, but it's not. Yeah. I push my foot there. So I'm like, you're suspended in the air. I'm like that. So then. So the bottle's above the steering wheel. So I hold the bottle. Go ahead. What is this show? I don't know. I hold the bottle. So it's like that. Because if it's like this, the water pee, excuse me, not water. Yeah. No, no. It's piss. It's piss.

Yeah. It's going to settle here. Right. You need it at a slight angle. That's just, that's just physics. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. What? What? Forensics? Fluid ounces. Yes. So, and then I come up. Yeah.

And I do a kind of a... You filter it in. I filter it in. Jam it in. Do you put the tip in? I put the hole in. You try to shove it in. There's some really small... Like, bottles are not... I don't know if you know this. Bottles are not made to be pissed in. So, like, the hole... Are small. Are small. Yeah, but... But now, if I'm working... Penises, when they're soft, though, are like mice. You can jam them into small places like you can...

The exterminator said, well, if you can get your pinky in it, a mouse can get through it. That's what I'm saying. Pretty true about a dick too, all right? So do you shove it in? Yeah, but here's the thing. Do you get pee girth? Oh, sometimes. You get pee girth. If I'm holding a piss for a bit. It's like a water balloon. My dick gets, yeah. It's like a water balloon. It starts putting on some weight. Yeah. So I guide it to do its thing. And then when I'm done, I like pinch it off.

And I just make sure I get as much out because how do you do that that you can't do that? You do it just in the air Yeah, and every now that a little comes out on my pants on the on the steering wheel on the chair at some point on the Garden State Parkway You're driving and you're holding your penis and you're shaking it and piss. No, no, no, no, no now you're making me sound like a creep I'm pulled over better so you but you're flicking your dick and there's piss sometimes that flies everywhere and

Got it, got it, got it, got it. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not making any- When you're doing this, that's not a flick, Joey. I'm just, I'm just, I'm- Well, no. You're baptizing. All right, I don't like, I don't like you. Oh, suddenly he doesn't want to talk about it. I don't like how you're trying to make me sound here, okay? You said- I don't like it. Oh, because I'm repeating what you said. Don't like how you're making me sound here, Joey. Anyway, I also don't wash my hands every single time I piss. You can't. Yeah. We're, we've got too much to do. As New Yorkers, we're always on the go.

And you know what's funny? Sometimes, and I see a lot of people do this also. I've been in public bathrooms many times. Dudes will pee, they'll walk over and just put water on their hands and that's it. Won't do soap. I will say this. That does nothing. I have in the past washed only one of my hands. How do you wash one hand without washing the other? How many hands do you have? Soap in the hand, water in the hand.

And just that. Why? That's so much harder than doing this. No, it's not. No, it's not. And then you just wash that hand that you use. Are you? How? How am I the idiot here? Why did you do that, though? To wash the hand that I used. The other hand was elsewhere. Yeah. But that's the hand that was used. So you put soap in that one hand and you go like this under the water. Yeah. Yeah.

It's unbelievable. The things that we do in this world. That one I've never done. Bullshit. I'm calling big old fat old bullshit. You think I'm washing one hand? I've also been in a ton of bathrooms and seen people do this and that. Some people just walk right out. What is this and that? Like some people like just walk right out or they put water on their hands and that's it. Or some people fully wash their hands. I have never seen a person walking over doing this. You haven't been in the bathroom. And I know that because I would go, what the fuck are you doing? What is that guy doing?

Listen, I'm an innovator in many things. Claps. Yeah. The way I eat Chips Ahoy cookie blasts. And the way I wash my hands. I don't know about it. We need to move forward. We can't just be using the same techniques that we've used for hundreds of years to do things. Some things. Here's to the crazy ones. The innovators. The misfits. Are you doing a monologue? Or is this like a pink song or something? I'm just letting you know.

Here's for the misfit. What do you think, you're a misfit because you wash your one hand at a time? Yeah. I don't even know what to say to you. You're confined. I'm not, Frank. You often refer to yourself as very conservative, and you're confined to the way that things have been done and are being done. Sometimes when people dare to see the world in a different light, maybe they are better off. You wish that made sense. You wish...

You fucking wish that made any type of sense, don't you? I said my piece. Yeah. By the way, I didn't know that was... Piece, as in a piece of something. I thought it was peace. No. But it's a piece. Yeah, brother. Like...

Stop. You're all over the place. I thought it was, I said my piece. No, I've said my piece of this conversation. That makes so much more sense than me thinking piece. Yeah. What's the last time someone hit that piece? I do it every now and then. Do you have your piece? Yeah, I've stopped doing like the wave. Asians love the piece. I've stopped, careful. I've stopped doing. Yikes. I've stopped doing the wave in the car for like, thank you. And I do peace now.

Because this could be... I do this. What is this? Close to a piece. This is a four seam right here. Yeah, that's odd. Yeah.

Thank you. Oh, I should I think I do that too. Yeah, right. Oh god. Thank you, brother Yeah, that's it. That's such a more like thank you. It's not really this is like do you when you say it when you say? Thank you to in the car. Do you just say thank you or I make a noise you you don't do it. Yeah. Yeah Oh, I say thank you, brother. Thank you. Thank you. You say I say thank you in your car out loud. Yeah, I

Because if God is watching, I want him to know that I met and did the right thing. Right. Because what if that person is like, were you flipping me off? And it's like, no, ask God. Right. I'm safe here. You ever heard that like Jeep, people who own Jeeps, they all like say hi to each other because they all own Jeeps. Oh, like a cult? Basically. Yeah. And like,

I've seen people on Instagram in their bios. They do like a capital O and then lines and then another capital O because it looks like the front of a Jeep because they have a Jeep. Have you reported every single person you've seen do that? We should blow up the company. I'm just telling you right now. That's insane. If I witnessed people be like, Jeep, Jeep.

I would fucking... I'm getting a new car. Forget a car. I'm blowing up wherever we are, that establishment. Yeah, I'm probably... Crashing right into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%, yeah. Well, we're going to end with some violence, I guess. Frank, where can they find you, bud? If Alvarez885 on Twitter, the Frank Alvarez on all the forms of social media, then go check out the Patreon. Patreon.com slash TheBasementYard. And guess what? While you're at it, TheBasementYard on all forms of social media, folks.

Yeah, go follow the show at The Basement Yard on TikTok and Instagram. Go follow me at Joe Santagato. And that is all. By the way, like Frank said earlier, go to TheBasementYard.com. Sign up for the newsletter so you guys find out when these shows are coming because they are coming soon. And that is all. See you guys next time. They're coming like Joe. Quick and before you know it.