Welcome to the Golden Fountain of Vitality with Trixie and Katya
47:36 Share

So, hi. Hi. I had to host Gatu. Yeah, you had the distinct pleasure of. Whenever I get booked to do something alone, I assume it's because you said no. And I appreciate that. Because I think they wanted us both at first and then you said no. And I said, well, let me tell you. Yeah.

Did you love? Booking that person is throwing a fucking penny into a wishing well anyway because it might end up just being me. So I get there and I punch up my little jokes and I think, you know, all these little award shows we go to, no matter how funny someone is, no matter how well lit they are,

No one's really listening. No one's really laughing. I guess that's true. Wait, for real? A lot of times. So I always feel like with hosting, like I'm just going to have fun because half these people are just waiting to hear their name call or not be called. They're chewing on hors d'oeuvres. Yes. So it's the Ambie Awards. They go, it's Trixie Mattel. And I come out, I walked out to the ball and the beautiful music and everyone was like, I know this. Nobody. Not only did they not know me.

I sure didn't know any of their podcasts because it was not, it was not comedy podcasts. The people who won, it was like true crime. Oh, the historical stuff. Yeah. So it was a lot of people winning. We didn't even know. And I start by swinging big. I go, welcome to the 2024 Amby's. And I go,

No, it's not the Bambis, but I am giving mother. And if anyone wants to shoot me, talk to me after the show. Just start out strong. Just start swinging, honey. So that was my punch down from speaking of Bambi. If anyone wants to shoot my mother, which is what I was going to start with, but I thought even Val doesn't deserve that.

That's a big, you really swung for the rafters? Well, I was in one of your gowns. So I knew the night was cursed to begin with. You looked so beautiful, by the way. Oh, thank you. That's a beautiful dress. You looked so good in that dress. That was contigous.

It is that dress for some reason. It's in our book. It's very heavy. It's on a season seven finale, uh, reunion. Yeah. Season seven premiere. Heavy, right? Yes. I wore it on Netflix once. I worked for this. Oh, that's right. She is heavy. Well, I'll tell you something. She, I don't, I don't believe in, I like, I'm not from the Charlize Theron and the devil's advocate school of, I think you should wear it once and throw it away. I think, get the mileage, get the mileage. It's a great dress. It has that cute little train. It also has a headband, which I don't normally wear, but yeah. What about them? Go days. Yeah.

Those swingies on the side, the triangles of fabric that make when you walk it swings. Front seam down the front. Strong choice. Bold move, Cotton. It was tough. Tough with that. Well, that was a tough because the pattern, I don't know why my friend Ray did. It was because the, yeah.

That was a little... But hey, it's intentional. You can't really talk to this mermaid sequin. Yeah. But because the sequin goes... It's a reversible sequin and then it's disrupted at the... Yeah. Yeah. It's fine. And then my second joke was...

You know, there's a stereotype in LA that all, that everybody has a podcast, but tonight proves that's not true. It's only the poorly dressed. And then I won them back. Oh, you did? Yes. Oh, that's funny. And then I said, no, no, no, you guys look great. You're wildly successful in a medium where no one ever sees you. Very funny. Because ugly. Because podcasters are ugly. A face built for radio. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was fun and easy. And you know, I loved about it. It moved quick. Oh, really? The whole thing was open like...

I went to the soundcheck, got in drag, immediately went to red carpet, immediately went to stage and hosted, and left right after. So how long are we talking all together? Six hours maybe. Okay. Two hours of that getting in drag? Well, that's good. I think the Oscars clock in around eight and a half hours. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, it's not good. We're not here to hold people hostage. No. Then I had to announce a podcast for kids. Was Demi Moore there? But you know who was? I was. Were you the most famous person there?

I don't know because I didn't know who any of them were and they didn't know who I was and it was a nice victimless crime. It was a victimless crime. It was at the JW Marriott. Oh, which is like the Kempton, but not the Kempton suites. Yeah. Oh God. There's the four seasons and then there's the three seasons. You know, I was on a three season porch.

It wasn't a Super 8. It wasn't the Beck's Motor Lodge. Completely. By the way, I warned my team from...

uh, solid pink disco. Yeah. I said, listen, they've been putting us in the five star hotels because I travel with Katya. Yeah. But on my tours. Yeah. We're, we're only to buckle up. Cause we're heading back over to Sears to sleep in the bed section. It's a bunk beds at the rent a center. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I was like these, these nice hotels that you have us in. I'm like, I love the, I mean, I love the four seasons. I don't, the gym is nice.

But these apartment-sized rooms, I'm like, who cares? Yeah, I don't care for the, I mean, this is so, like, unrelatable. I don't like the apartment style. It looks like a condo. Oh, yeah. I don't like that because it's like, I don't want to cook in a hotel. You know what I think that'd be good for? Let's say you were traveling with a child. Yes, and you were there for, like, a week or something and you wanted to...

Yeah. You know, you're traveling with a kid that you had stolen and you had him concealed in a small duffel and he screamed a lot. Oh my God. I just watched. So I just watched Bram Stoker's Dracula. And, uh, last night I forgot that they ate. Uh, he feeds a baby to the brides. That movie is dramatic. Keanu. Keanu. And he's like, uh, uh, he is, I was, I remember thinking, no, he really does that. He's like, uh, it, the movie is very overwrought. Yeah.

I would say that that's Bill and Ted's, you know, adventure. Absolutely. I mean, Gary Oldman. Yeah. It's just, oh God. He's the...

Yeah. I mean, that is that, that you're giving a little bit of that with the, the bouffant. It's bold to make Dracula not at all like sexy and masculine. Well, I mean, there's so many iterations of Dracula in that you've got the old, old, old lady bunny bouffant with the cape that goes on forever. And then you've got like the one that he's like the, the Victorian prince one is supposed to be like desirable. However, I in no way find him attractive at all.

I'm more keen on like a Leslie Nielsen Dracula Dead and Loving It. Oh my God. That's a little more of the vibe. I love it.

I love him so much. Dave and I watched spy hard the other day. You know, I, I've never seen that. I can't believe it. Well, David showed me vertigo. Yes. Right. Yeah. And I'm like, well, how do we follow vertigo? Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Nielsen and spy hard. Okay. It opens with like literally weird Al singing and stuff. And is it a James Bond parody? Yes. Yeah. And Oh, die. I love, yeah, I loved it when I was a kid. And so I put it on. I was like, you're going to love this. I was like, Leslie is the best.

It was horrible. It's not as strong as I remember. And I started to get more embarrassed. And eventually I turned and just said, we can turn on something else. I...

That has happened to me so many fucking times. And like, especially when it's in a setting of a group of more than three, the shame, the burning hot shame, because not only is it- - 'Cause you over promise. - You over promise. And sometimes it takes a lot of energy and creativity and gumption to get everybody on board to watch something if the vibe is something else, you know what I mean? - Right. - And then it's like, and then it's like, and you can see people's attention waver and the phones come out and you're like,

this flopped so hard and I'm a flop and I hate myself. Especially if it's an old movie because trying to get people to watch a new movie, people are like, Oh, it's new. And you know, there's something about watching a new movie. Then you have something to talk about too. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm trying to get somebody to time travel with you. Yeah. But there are some movies that like,

I love watching Scream with a Gen Z person for the first time. Why? Because many of them have not seen the original Scream. Okay. And it blows their minds. And it delivers every time. Okay. Yeah. At Thanksgiving, I mean, were you at Thanksgiving when you watched Cola Scolas or Home Out West? No, but I watched it on my own. Okay. But Andrew got the whole, like he insisted on watching. It was 30 minutes. That was the big, that was the big like.

But there was like 20 people there. I was like, this is going to be a disaster. Every eyeball in that room was glued to the television for 30 full minutes. And then I think we all did a standing ovation. It was like the rare moment. And I was like, I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay, fine. We turn it on. It was incredible. Now is standing ovation a name for kind of like a street drug? We all did a standing ovation. It's like a little bit, it's like somewhere between K and G. I did an eight ball of standing ovation. Yeah.

Not bad. I want to go to see his show So Badly in New York. Great.

Oh, Mary Lincoln Todd. Yes. By the way, the nerve of him to get on these posters, put on a wig, and I know it's a joke, but he still looks pretty good. Pretty good? He does. He looks unclockable. Yeah, he looks good. He puts a demi lash and a bit of chapstick on, and you're wondering, is that Uma Thurman? It's crazy. It's Uma Thurmas. It's Uma Thurmas. You know, Leslie Nielsen, I thought, he has a very celebrated career.

I want to look up what he looked like when he was younger. Do you know what he looked like? Hot. Sucked. Sucked. Sucked and rimmed. And then again, sucked. Sucked, fucked, and plucked. Show me again. Girl. Sucked. Jesus Christ. And what if that's not a wig either? That's not a unit. Units hadn't been invented yet. No, yeah, that was pre-unit. And this is at an era where you could be a movie star and be a man and be disgusting and still be with a hot woman. David's got me watching these fucking, these fucking...

Hitchcock movies? The women. Yeah. Tippi Hedren. The hair, the skin, the lashes, the acting, all of it. It's incredible. My God. I mean, it's so... I know we've talked about it before, but the...

Jimmy Stewart. Talks like this. Have you seen the old arsenic and old lace? Oh, my God. Arsenic and old face. Yeah. What's his name? Jimmy Stewart and Catherine Hepburn and Cary fucking Grant. Yeah. Acrobat. I never know who these people are. And so David, of course, knows who all of them are. Okay. So I go...

Oh, I like him. Who's that? They're able to go, um, Cary Grant. And I'm like, Sid Charisse, you fucking bitch. Yeah, totally. But they're all, they got bloody feet. Bloody feet. What does that mean? Like from the dancing and singing. Oh. Like you think it's, you think drag is hard?

Those and they're smiling and they're like in between takes they're taking off their shoes blood everywhere Blood everywhere singing in the rain the rain. Yeah, the rain of blood Well, you know that singing on the rain the rain was famously milk because the water didn't show up on camera They had to tint it with dairy. Isn't that crazy? That is so disgusting huge boon for the farms in Wisconsin though. Yes, um, uh

Not great for the smell. Could you imagine? Uh-huh. I can. For some of us, though, it might be an improvement. Yeah. For some of our tour costumes, a dunk in the milk would be welcome. The water of life. But there's a scene in the Naked Gun where

I think Leslie Nielsen is about to, he gets back home and like his fridge full of expired items like bad Chinese food and he takes a whiff of the milk to see if it's still good and he pours it out and it's chunky. Big, huge chunks of milk. That just gave me like a chill. Do you know what's been occurring? You know how I told you that I had to go gluten and dairy free? Yeah. That sounds like a fucking nightmare. Well, the rheumatologist told me that I have

What? AIDS? No, inflammatory arthritis. Okay. And she said it like this, and I think she knew that I was not going to be amenable. She goes, could you give up dairy and gluten for two weeks and see how you feel? It was like she was asking me to. That's okay. I mean, that's not easy by any means. As a woman from Wisconsin. Oh, I see what you mean. For me to not have access to a block of sharp cheddar cheese on a daily basis-

What are we trying to move our joints for? What's the point of getting out of bed? What's the point of living? I always forget that cheese is for many, many people, a huge, I mean, it's like, it's like, I don't get it. And if I had to give up pizza, I would be fine.

I don't like cheese very much. But cheese is on pizza, honey. No, no, no. I'm saying that like the only cheese that I enjoy is the cheese that is on cooked pizza. Okay. That's it. But like if I had to, you know, a doctor said...

You're going to have to give up cheese. Now, if they said dairy, I'd be like, well, do you have a gun? Why don't you put that gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, bitch? I know. Because black coffee with no cream in it. You can have almond milk. No. You can have almond milk. No, that makes it from. Is it brown sugar? No, that goes, it goes, it goes from black to very, very, very, very, very dark brown.

That's not good enough. You want the fat content? I mean, I basically want a latte with tons of sugar. Well, yeah. And the milk fat content. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they use whole milk for those, don't they? I order Breve. What's Breve? Half and half. Half milk, half creamer. No, no, no. Like, yeah, yeah. Like half. Yeah. Like light cream. Jeez. But what kind of cheese do you, are you like? Honey. Honey cheese? No, no, no.

Honey cheese. That's tear a dick off and honey cheese. It's their show. Oh, I hate that. But I hate dick cheese. Like Richard cheese. You know, Richard cheese, my neck, my back. I didn't realize until like three minutes ago that that was a dick cheese. I have a complete, I hate when people joke about uncircumcised people's dicks. To me, it is so. It's jail time. You can joke about.

The Titanic. Anything around me and I'm fine with it. But if you joke about like- You're going straight to the penitentiary. Uncut dicks being gross. Penitentiary. Get out of the home. Yeah. Exit the trailer park. Turn left. Turn left.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

They said, cut out gluten and dairy. And I said, whatever. It's not going to fucking do anything anyway, bitch. I like was doing it to prove her wrong. Okay. So what's the, what's the, what's the. It dramatically helped. You're fucking kidding me. No. Uh, I just started my medicine. They have me on an injectable that I take once a week for arthritis. Yeah. The AIDS cocktail. I don't think so, but. Wait, it's in the leg. Honey, I have to tell you what happened. So by the time I got back to the doctor for my results, I was like,

I was walking again and I was on the Peloton every day. I have not been able to exercise in months. So the no dairy, no gluten did fucking help, which means I have to stay off it. It's like, let me tell you kids one day you have your last piece of cheese and don't even know it. And you can't even, you reminisce because it's over. I've got the baby bell dairy list cheese, rubber, rubber, rubber, Tina, rubber, rubber. I mean, I don't, you know, I don't like vegan food.

I'm trying. I got a bunch. I went on the internet and I bought variety packs, boxes of variety packs of vegan snacks because I said, I'm going to have to figure out what I like. Yeah. I'm going to have to find some convincing fake Cheetos. Yeah. Some convincing like. Well, vegetables. We could do vegetables. Vegetables are really good because they can just be seasoned. Yeah. You know, plant vegetables. That's going to get old. Yeah.

Oh, of course it is. But say you do like, you do your rice. Oh, is that? Can you have rice? Yes. Yes. Yes. Rice, vegetable, and a wonderful seasoning. We also live in LA. We're like, I went to Rayos Hollywood two nights ago with David. They had gluten-free pasta. Oh yeah, they've got it. Things are possible. Especially here. Like if you go, I mean, go to Europe, good luck. You know, some of those places we go on tour, they're just like nothing. Yeah.

The doctor told me the storyline is you can have feta and Parmesan still like, Oh, like dry, sharper, brittle cheeses like that, but you can't have like cheddar and like, okay. I don't know why that is. That's a good compromise though. No. Yeah. And you can get gluten free bread. Yes. You can get gluten free items. Yeah. But a lot of my favorite things, I'm like, that is done now. What is, what is the gluten? I don't know anything. I'm just, I'm going to,

Well, they said that dairy and gluten can agitate people's joints that are autoimmune, like inflaming. Agita. But let me tell you, I go to the doctor and she goes, well, we're going to start you on this. I forget what it's called. I think it's called Embrel, if anybody has arthritis. And she goes, it's injectable. It's once a week. And I said, oh, so I come in here once a week. She said, no, you're going to do it yourself. And I said, come again, bitch.

Come again, honey. Self-mutilation at home. Pulp fiction. Yeah. And David was in the doctor's room with me. What do they call it? Office? Office. Waited 40 minutes before anyone saw me. Waited 40 minutes. Were you naked with the Johnny on? But around like the opposite way. I refused to put it on. So I was just sitting naked. It opened in the front. It was like a cape. That would be cute. That would be cute. Full drag. And then I have one of those like dinner napkin things around my waist. Those like cinchers.

A dinner napkin cincher. Yes. And then she goes, all right, so it's a pen, a disposable pen you keep in the fridge. Oh, oh. You stab in the leg and you hold. Okay. And I don't like it. No. And David's in the room with me. And I don't think David's ever seen me get an injection. Probably you haven't. No one here. No. It doesn't sit right with me. Best case scenario, when they poke my arm, I got to look away. I got to close my eyes and I go.

It's not good. Shit. Not good. How long is the needle? Felt like 12 inches. Yeah. Okay. And they said you can either do the leg or the belly skin. That's what, yeah. Belly skin seems worse. No, no, no, no. I would say do the belly skin. Yeah, because you just, you pinch a little bit of the fat on the flub on the side here and then you stick it in. You won't even feel it. You won't even feel it.

The nurse had told me which two weeks prior when they did my blood test, she went really big fan by the way. So I knew she could take a little, you know, finger or two. No, I knew she could take a little ribbing. Sure. Okay. You could be yourself. She's got the needle in me and I'm like, you bitch. You know, like I really, you know, and then she cried and it was just like, you bitch, you poop.

Is this one, two, three pussy white? Yeah. Oh my God. I, I sucked that giving injections to yourself. I haven't had to do it yet, but I think David Silver might have to come on as a part-time doctors. Quinn medicine. Yeah. Go let him, let him go get his associates as a registered nurse or something. Yeah, absolutely. Make him do it. She goes, the nurse goes and he could probably help you. And I said, are you kidding me? He wants any fucking excuse to hurt me. David does not think that's funny. Oh,

He does it like, let's try your neck. Yeah. David's like, I think she said straight through the eyelid into the eyeball. Oh, fire in the sky. Still gives me the creeps. What is fire in the sky? That alien movie where the guy gets supposedly based on a true story. And it is. And they have one of the most gruesome abduction scenes ever in the history of cinema where

The guy is put on a slab, a sheet of super, imagine like shrink wrapped to a slab. And then they take a scalpel to cut a hole in the mouth so he can breathe. And they immediately take a big,

fistful of brown jelly and shove it in his mouth. What? Then a needle goes into his fucking eye. What? Yes. And it's a big, huge machine that comes down like a dentist, like an insert, like it's like a telescoping needle. And he's just like this. What? It's so gruesome. It will give you, it probably gave me nightmares for 15 years. Oh yeah.

It's so crazy. What movie is it? Harry and the Hendersons? Yeah, Harry and the... No, it's Naked Gun 2 1⁄2. No, Fire in the Sky. It's so... It's so... And it's... I mean, you know, it's based on a true story, but...

It's so fucking gruesome. It's, I remember, oh, I remember it. It's like core memory. That's scary. It's a brown jelly. It was like, like, like imagine like a Jell-O mold that's like the color of molasses and they take a fistful. It was, oh,

I don't like eye stuff. Nobody does. Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry. Go ahead. I forgot. They actually, there's, I forgot. There's one thing. They have a, they have one of those eyeball openers. Orange, a clockwork orange thing? Yes. And then there's, it injects a bunch of milky liquid in there first. So, and then the point of view of the, of there's a camera, a shot from the point of view of him. And it's through this milky haze where the needle is coming straight through the

Absolutely terrible. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Trauma. Genuinely Kermis trauma. Yeah. Big time generational trauma. I don't like that. I, uh, you remember when I got that eye injury? Yes. Okay. From the spotlight. Yes. I got my, my fovea or my cornea or something. Your vulva. My vulva. Burned by a spotlight. Now I have some very minor blindness in this eye. But when I went to mass eye and ear, cause I was living in P town at the time. Oh, that's right. I had to go to the Massachusetts hospitals, which are,

They're good. They're really good. I mean, it's like the, it's like a hub of, I mean, I was very lucky to be able to take the ferry and go to Mass Eye and Ear and they were super helpful. But even for them, I'd never even had my eyes dilated. Oh wow. Even for them to put drops in my eye. Oh yeah. And like, you know, they kind of snatch your eye open and put the, all of that bothered me. I've never had that. I've,

Oh, but what do it's the snatchers? Like we're lucky you have perfect vision. No, it's like 2030 and 2040, but it's good enough. Yeah. Mine's good enough to not wear glasses. We're very lucky. Oh yeah. Some people, many of our friends, many people we know I've known absolutely defenseless and helpless without contacts or spectacles. Kim, you know, Kim Chi, when she got LASIK, she was like, it changed my life. Oh, I'm sure. Cause her vision, I think was poor enough that putting makeup on was an issue for her.

- Oh yeah, 'cause you have to wear contacts. - And imagine that was Kim's makeup skills not being able to see. - Damn. - What's wrong with us?

I mean, contacts. I mean, I remember wearing those goofy colored ones. Did you wear those too? Oh, yeah. What color? Like blue and crazy. Like the kind I wore? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like crazy ones. Oh, they were so rotten. Why do we think that was a serve? I think there was just something dramatic. I don't know. Because they do pop the, I don't know. It's so boo-boo. It's so boo-boo. But, you know, boo-boo. You've been looking great in drag. Thank you. What you been doing different? Doing my hormone injections. Oh.

Is that what you're going to do? You're going to switch my arthritis medication for hormones? What I'm going to do? That's what I have been doing. David and I are already in discussion about that. We're posing as a doctor. Yes. So we're just going to go in. The procedure is called FFS. I can't walk. My arthritis is back, but I've got these two jugs. Yeah, I have to wear a bra during the day now. Yeah. Fierce, fierce. Fierce. Fierce.

What else is going on, Miss Thing? Besides Dune, besides the full-time goonery of doonery. Well, have you moved yet? I'm in process. I'm having to temper my obsession with

Oh my God, Mary. I know you've been texting me about things you like. You need to filter by price. You keep falling in love with things. I can't. It's so, it's hateful. Like that's why I put going in the Rose Bowl. Like I've been obsessed with these websites that are, have end tables. Like, so imagine this thing because like $18,000, $18,000. That's OfferUp. Or no, that's Cherish. First Dibs. First Dibs. Yeah, First Dibs and Cherish are so out, they're out of pocket literally. I was looking for a decorative outdoor aviary because I thought,

I don't even know if I want real birds. I thought about getting some zebra finches in an outdoor aviary. I thought it'd be pretty to have by the pool. Yeah. And it's a way to have pets that doesn't upset David. It's outside. And what is that fucking outdoor? So like an enclosure where I could have zebra finches living out there in the wild. Zebra finches. Okay, fierce. And then the winter months when it's cold, I'd have to move inside. You just eat them. Or eat them. Yeah. I saw a lovely little aviary with benches around so you could sit. $30,000. Jesus.

On first dibs? I said, this is the first dibs? Yeah, no, but that's the 30th dib. I need second dibs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so, I think it's like people who are mega, mega rich, ultra billionaire people or something. The Dakota Johnsons of the world. I don't know. I think this is because RuPaul called me rich on Jimmy Kimmel. Now they're coming for you. Now when I sign into an account, they're like, let me just adjust the prices. Yeah, it's wild. I mean, all antiquing in LA and stuff is like so crazy. It's so crazy. It's so crazy. Have you been clocking RuPaul on her...

Book tour? No. RuPaul is on her Sidney Prescott Out of Darkness book tour. Oh, the hidden meaning. So have we established what exactly are the hidden meanings? David listened to the whole thing. What did he say? Loved it. Okay. He said she's very candid, interesting, et cetera. Really? I'm going to have a listen. I want to listen too because she reads it. Oh, she does. I thought Michelle Williams did it like Britney. Oh my God. Who would you want to read RuPaul's book? I'd want it to be Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan.

I would say like, I don't know. The white lady from Touched by an Angel, the Irish woman. Oh, Jane Seymour. Oh my God. That would be hysterical. Or like somebody like Dolly Parton. That would be, that would be amazing. My name is RuPaul. I'm a little black girl. Oh my God. Fierce. Fierce. I don't know. To be named RuPaul. Ruth Paul. You know, I used to be obsessed with her.

And that obsession has grown over time. Yeah. Do you think that, are you still afraid of her? 100%. Yeah, if you saw her on the street, would you run? No, I probably wouldn't say hi. Really? Yeah.

Yes, I'm really afraid of her. I mean, she's terrifying. She's never done anything bad to me. And I live in fear of her. What is that about? That's your sleep paralysis demon. You're like, oh my God. That's my shadow self. Mama, she is also, I mean, people, I mean, you watch the show and you realize like proportionizing and stuff, but she really is seven feet tall and probably one of the most like just visually like

She doesn't, she's not of this earth, I would say. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like she is really fucking, and I don't mean this in a bad way, but weird looking, unusual looking. Yeah, yeah. She's like Anya Taylor-Joy or Tilda Swinton. She's, she's, she's, she's in that school of like, superhuman, superhuman. Oh,

Well, the height. People don't realize the height. No, she's so tall. She looks tall on TV. I'm telling you in person, she's an avatar. Yeah. She's a slender man. She's so fucking tall. And like, and she, I think on season seven, she started showing her legs more. Do you know what I mean? And now that the legs that are, the legs are out, it's like a whole nother, it's like a whole nother fucking fantasy. Because those legs go all the way up. They really do. They go all the way up. And down. Also, her boyfriend is taller than her, I believe. Yeah.

How's that? Their babies are going to be super tall. Their babies are going to be the monsters from Quiet Place. Oh my God. That's a terrifying movie. That's the stress factor. I don't think I can even watch that movie. Would you be good at being quiet like in living? You know I'd be dead in five seconds. Oh yeah. I'd be like, girl. Yeah, I'd be like, what? Dead. That is... Emily Blunt giving birth silently?

What about the stepping on the nail? Fierce. Like, ow, what are you, nuts? Like, I would, yeah, no way. I could never. What are you, nuts? What are you, nuts? Hello, I'm Heather McDonald, stand-up comic and pop culture expert and the host of my podcast, Juicy Scoop. If you're obsessed with Hollywood romances, reality TV drama on and off camera, and celebrity gossip, this is the show for you. In each episode, I dive into the juiciest, most salacious, and

controversial pop culture stories of the moment. And I give my opinion in the most comedic way. It's based on my own Hollywood experiences working on television shows and of course my own experiences with the actual stars themselves. You're also going to hear from a range of guests from actors to comedians

to comics to reality stars like Countess Luann from New York Housewives or Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules and now The Valley. So if you want the scoop on the hottest gossip, you've come to the right place. Tune into Juicy Scoop wherever you get your podcasts. You'll thank me later. You know what I want to see? Speaking of Meryl Streep, Isabella Rossellini's Green Porno. Have you seen it?

She does porn? No, no. It's like, it's, it's like a whole like YouTube series of like, um, it's like porn from, uh, like vegetables. Do you know what I'm talking about? You never seen that? Oh, it's fascinating. She, green porno. It's like, um, she's like, it's like a nature documentary. Like it's like a, I don't know quite know how to describe it. You never heard of it? It's fierce. It's fierce.

Do you know how uppity I'm going to be now that I'm vegan? Oh, I can imagine. I was out the other day watching Alicia Silverstone TikToks. Is she vegan? Big vegan. Oh, wow. Lifelong vegan. Big animal rights activist. Oh. So is it an ethical like- For her it is, yes. For her, okay. Gotcha. But I'm watching her TikToks and I'm going, I'm just like her. Well, you got a share from Clueless.

Yeah. Sure. I'm sure from Clueless. I just, I love her so much and I always have. And I love her. I didn't know that she was, I didn't know that she was vegan. Oh yeah. That's like her thing. Okay. That's like her thing. Lifelong vegan. I'm sure it's much. Well, although I'm like, I recently found out that you can be, you can be vegan and also big on junk food.

Oh yes, but it's much better. We just did this video where I tried a bunch of vegan snacks. Some of them were good and they are half the caloric content with like no sugar. It's fierce. A lot of my favorite things now, like I'm pretty sure I can't eat milk chocolate now. Damn. That sucks. I bought non-dairy Reese's. Non-dairy Reese's. Is that any good? Yeah. Fuck. Fuck.

I mean, it's not. Well, dark, isn't dark chocolate or? I think dark chocolate is okay. Yeah. That's vegan. Yeah. I don't like that. It's too bitter. It kind of makes you sick. Yeah. It's nasty to me. Do you, I have like such a vivid memory of my grandma being like, do it. It's baker's chocolate. Yeah. Bite it. And I remember as a kid feeling betrayed by the taste of baker's chocolate. I have something to talk to you about. Tell me.

You're in therapy. I am in therapy, yeah. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. No, no, no. No, no, not piss therapy. Let's take a break. I know what you're talking about. Piss therapy. No, that lady. You're in angels. Can I just read it? No, it's so crazy. It's too crazy. People are asking how do they...

They spray the pee in their hair and how do they make it not smell? I got to read it. Oh my God. It's too much. This woman says, hello, my urine angels. No. It's on Facebook. Of course. Of course it's on Facebook. Facebook. The super highway of fake information. Has anyone else ever sprayed aged urine in their hair for deep conditioning, healing from harsh tap water and shower and reverse graying? It's so disgusting. It's so disgusting. Reverse graying, pro yellowing. Ugh. Why is Facebook like, Facebook is a...

But don't show her face. No. But doesn't she just look like a piss person? Oh my God. She looks like she drinks it, bathes in it, rubs it on her skin and it's like, you don't know. Do they even drink water though? I imagine it's dark, dark yellow, bodak yellow. I don't know. Oh, I don't like it. Then she says, if so, what is your trick to keeping from offending the world with the smell? I was like, maybe... The trick is to not do it. Not do it. Yeah. Head and shoulders. Maybe it's not do it. Anti-improvis. So what are they...

These Facebook folk remedy people are wild. Fierce. But it's like, it's, it's a version of goop in a way. Like, it's just like the lowbrow version. You know what I mean? It's like pseudoscience proliferation on social media, unchecked by any like, you know, uh, medical personnel, whatever. The pipeline is like, well, I can't afford Gwyneth's prehistoric jade egg up my pussy. So why don't I spray piss in my hair?

That's a short jump, unfortunately. It's just a lateral move. She says, I actually spray it on nightly and let it soak in and dry through the night. In the morning, re-wet my hair and add great smelling natural hair product. Would love your feedback. I would not. What did the feedback say? I didn't get so far. But I also saw one that said,

I've been doing urine drops in my eyes and holding a glass of urine over my eyes for short durations throughout the day. That's like the fire in the sky. Yes. This is the other fire in the sky. My eyes are getting red and discharging large amounts of pus. Oh my God. I was wondering if anyone else went through this. The top comment is first of all, 12 likes love. I mean, that's viral. Yeah. The brand isn't going to be happy.

That is called detox. Keep doing it with fresh urine and the redness and discharge will stop. I just almost, I love that. It's like, so when I'm, I'm stabbing myself in the, in the stomach, there seems to be a lot of blood. It's like, that's the, that's the first step. You know, there's like, just keep doing it. And it'll eventually like, it's so crazy. Piss in the eyes. Well, I remember on my strange addiction with a girl who used to take shot glasses of urine, hold it up to eye, go like this and then blink.

And she would rub the urine on the skin. The other thing is they love to save it in bottles and age it so they use it later. Liquid gold. Liquid gold. Is that like the, is my strange addiction one where she ate furniture? Oh yeah. I know it's not funny to laugh at people's addictions, but. Eating furniture is pretty wild.

That one's wild. Yeah. There was a black screen and it goes, in her lifetime, Cassandra has eaten two love seats in an armchair. A whole Bob's discount furniture. It was like two love seats and an ottoman. Damn. First dibs. That would cost a fortune on first dibs.

A fortune. A tapas. Think about, so we have like, we have the, um, the throat pillows for, uh, uh, a mousse bouche. The main course is like a divan or like a chaise. And then for, for, um, dessert. I think a Tempur-Pedic pillow would be like, that'd be like veal. Yeah. Well, no, that would be like, Tempur-Pedic would be like vegan. Sure. And then, um, like a down, um, comforter would be like, like full red, you know. And then if you're thirsty, you drink a waterbed. Oh, you know, my parents had a waterbed.

What was that about? It was a trend in the 90s. It must have been the late 80s, early 90s. It was a strange trend because we weren't rich, but it was a large... I think they were very, very not...

You better hope your betrothed is the exact same weight as you. Oh my God. I know because the, the, also the motion sickness that I would imagine. If your partner rolls over in the middle of the night. Whoa. Like the tsunami in Thailand. Yes. Yeah. Crazy. So weird. Also like, do you remember in the, another, uh, a nightmare on street movie where the boy has a water bed and that's cool. Johnny Depp actually, I think. And he's like, and then the, the, the girls, the girl came up. Yep. And that's cool.

Those movies are fucking, those movies are so good. Yeah. What's your favorite Freddie movie? I know yours is Dream Warriors, right? Yeah, I think so. I think so. Yeah. I mean, I love the OG. I do too. Nancy as a final girl is so good. Yeah, I probably would be the OG if I had to pick. But three is great. Also, two is so gay. It really is. It is. Of course it is. It's so gay. There's a documentary about that called Scream Queen starring the gentleman, I think his name is...

Robert Englund? No, his last name's Patton. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he talks about his experience. Like he was like, I went to see it with him and I went to a talk back with Robert Englund. Oh, no way. And the actor who played the gay guy was like, I always read this script as sexual tension between them. Right. And Robert Englund was like, that's how I played it. That's how I thought it was.

So the reason we like got that subtext is because they were playing that subtext. Oh. But it is gay. It is. Yeah. It's very like, but Freddie is such a flamer. Yeah. Freddie is such a flamer. Such a flamer. You like Freddie versus Jason? It's, um,

Yeah, I think so. But it was like, I wish they would do more of those, like the way that they've merged like the Marvel universe. I wish they would do that with the horror characters. Like they do it in video games all the time. Yeah. Why don't they do it in movies? Or do they? I don't know. I mean, who do you think would win in a fight? I mean, well, fuck.

They're both kind of unkillable. They're unkillable. And also, Freddy's like in a different world. But if you get everyone to stop talking about Freddy, he dies. Oh, that's true. Wait, really? Remember, all the movies always start with like, Dad, Mom, who's Fred Krueger? Oh, sure. Don't ever say that name again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. I mean, what about, I hate Jason. I mean, not Jason. What's his name? Michael Myers. I hate him.

Yeah. Why? Because he's just like, he doesn't, he's just like, I guess I hate Jason more. Jason, who would, who do you think would win if I Jason or Michael Myers? Fuck. They're very, I mean, Michael's human. Jason's like supernatural at this point. Is he really? But isn't, isn't my, I mean, Michael is just kind of too though. Evil dies tonight. He's kind of like they established him as the essence of pure evil. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Do you think it's a big Michael scarier?

Yeah. But I think Jason is kind of unkillable, to be honest. Like no matter what they do to Jason, that ugly little eye pops open and he stands back up. Who do you think has the bigger dong?

Jason. Yeah. Michael's is so it's thin at the base and it has one of those mushroom heads that when it goes in and out of you, you feel it and it's like, it's whoa. You know? Yeah. Jason has like a big, um, like a big floppy, like a big floppy. Yeah. Yeah. A big floppy like kielbasa. Yes, absolutely. A little gray and green cause he's all the rot. Yeah. But not cheese. And the pubes is moss. Oh yeah. Very man of the woods. Very forest. Yeah. Forest. I was going to say forest grump. Would you fuck Chucky?

Um, no, cause that's a child. No, no, it's an adult. Oh, is it? Charles Lee Ray. He's an adult in a toy. I would, I would, I mean, I think the bride of Chucky is so hot. Yeah. Jennifer, was that Jennifer Tilly? Yes, it was. The sequence in bride of Chucky where she's transforming, she's dying her hair and painting her nails and it's call me by Blondie. That's when I knew I was gay. Oh yeah. I mean, I would, yeah.

Love that movie. I was, yeah, I was, as I was watching. Katherine Heigl. Katherine Heigl. Famously, famous cigarette smoker and on-set diva. On-set diva. I love, I am obsessed with hearing about stories of like, you know, demanding or difficult to deal with celebrities. A beef. A beef? Like an on-set beef. Or no, I mean, yeah, but just like, you know, just like tall tales of like, we had to do this for her. We had to do this like when, you know, building Mariah Carey a bed. I love that shit.

Love that shit. Do you love like don't look me in the eye shit? I am obsessed with that. Yeah. And I recently at the Netflix, I got a good earful from the crew about who has been difficult to deal with. And it was fascinating what they said. Because I think Miss Jennifer Lopez.

Yeah. Fierce. Love. I can't wait to see This Is Me now. It looks bananas. It looks bananas. Sometimes I do feel like people have expectations too. Oh, of course. Yeah. You expected that person you've never met to treat you a certain way. Yeah. And that didn't happen. Yeah. And also you're like their reputation precedes them. So you're all like, and also, you know, rumor mill and gossip and da, da, da, da, da. But if you're like Madonna or like,

um, it was another person that's perceived Mariah. Yeah. At a certain point, if everyone thinks you're a cunt, you're kind of like, well, right. Yeah. Now I can be one. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Just build me the bed, bitch. Right. Build me the bed. Fierce. Wait, would you, are you gonna, would you be on stage with Madonna? Would you go on stage with Madonna? Of course. Once in a lifetime experience. Yeah. Bob gets to live a dream every night. Bob, Bob told me he's,

such a big part of that show if he's not really is he really is he's not on stage he's costume changing it's wild he has makeup changes that is so crazy that is so crazy it's so crazy to me she had erica budgey on i think last night or the night before it's incredible incredible she have a drag queen in la who'd she have plain jane i think right no did she have um sephira not in la but it was like flown out to whatever flew down flew down

Violent tchotchke. I have something to tell you that happened that was trauma related. I was doing the pit stop and I was doing a show with Jade Essence Hall and we're sitting in those two chairs, you know, just like this, but they're high chairs and they have to, I have this big hair on and Jada wears a woman hair and they're like, oh, we're gonna have to move out. And I said, well, I can move the chair down because of the bigger hair. And the guy behind the camera goes, yeah, bigger hair, but also just bigger person.

Are you serious? So I took off both wooden legs and I just walk out of the room. Oh my God. I said, I said, come again. Who said that? Not Joe. Not Joe. I was going to say Joe would never do that to me. That would be like shocking. He goes, yeah, bigger hair, but bigger person. And I go,

Try being my size, Amy. Evil dies tonight. Evil dies tonight. In front of Jada. Fuck. In front of my 80 pound sister. Right in front of my salad. Can you believe it? No. You better. I wish you had bopped him. You should be like snatch his eye out like Daryl Hannah. Well, he doesn't know the rules of drag, which is no matter how tall or thick or grotesque or muscular or hairy. Petite. Yeah. Petite. What you see is Thumbelina. What you see is fucking Tinkerbell bitch. Fuck. I'm

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It was, she might as well call me, sir. Hello, Miss Gender. Yeah. Oh, that is always, that is always jarring though. And when, when people just like, he like he, he, oh, I will always go full Noxzema Jackson. I'm always like, who's he? Yeah. Fuck he, she, and Kathy Lee.

He, she, and Kathie Lee. What bigger hair, but also a big fat huge person. This is just a bigger person. Fuck. What if he'd elaborated and be like, look at the size of the hands. Yeah, and look how the rolls spill out of the, over the belt buckle. And look at the shoulders that out of drag don't look broad at all, but in drag, it's a linebacker. No. Oh, man. Well, have a lovely day, you big fat bitches.

you