The Best of Us for the Rest of Us with Trixie and Katya
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Did you watch the Bob and Maddie rap battle? We need to talk about Kevin. Rap fighting. Kevin, a.k.a. Maddie. Fighting through the art of rap. Maddie Morphosis. I did not watch that season, full disclosure. I think I was on the pit stop for it. Thank you. And I...

I watched your pit stop with Maddie and I was struck, first of all, by how stunning she is. She looks great. She does. And she's so funny. And I know what I learned from that episode is everybody's late to the party on the Maddie train. You know what's funny? I think at first, because she was straight, everyone's like, no. But let me tell you, if being gay was a precursor to good drag, that's not the world we live in. Do you know how many f***ing suck at drag sex?

Thank you. Thank you. Mary, sexuality is no indication of your goodness of drag. I hate to be that girl, but I have an audio that I sent you that I think goes along with the Maddie conversation that we need to listen to. Let's do it. My old cock. Okay, wait, hold on. This is it. Gays that don't do drag love to be like, I just know I would eat on RuPaul's Drag Race.

What part? You can't do makeup. You can't walk in heels. We're watching you struggle to step touch in the club. Your wardrobe is full of sheen. You can't afford the runway. You haven't told a joke successfully since I've known you. Like, what part of RuPaul's Drag Race do you think you'd be successful in?

You're not, you're scared of confrontation. You wouldn't even be good and untugged. Be so real with yourself when you're watching this. Be so real and be thankful that we have enough talented drag queens in the world to make for such a great show. Be so real with yourself. Gay is that? She left no f***ing crumbs. That's Peter Toto on TikTok. And I was like, you're right. Chomp, chomp. I don't think the gay guys have the nerve to say it around like you or me. No. But I think when other drag queens aren't around, they go like...

Right. I would eat. Yeah. No, you wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. It would go in your mouth and you would cough on it, choke it up, puke and lay down. Like a saltine cracker with nary a glass of water around. Yeah. I don't know what it is about drag that makes people, it's the I can do that-ism. You don't watch Top Chef and go, I could cook that. Let's see you do a fucking winged liner, you c**t.

I can't even do it. Ask any woman if they can. I can't do symmetrical brows. Yeah. Okay. Let's get a glue stick and put you in a saw trap and see what happens. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen. They don't understand the level of jack of all trade of it all. And that's...

the master of none, like they look at all the parts and they're like, well, yeah, but they don't really see that. Like, um, many of these skills require 10 to 15 years to approach mastery. Yeah. We speak like broken English in like five languages in drag. Yeah. So a little dance a little comedy, a little, there are people whose entire lives are dedicated to sewing lace. Do you know what I mean? When it comes to one little thing, they're like, okay, I'm an expert installer of zippers.

That's their entire career. I know. You know what I mean? There's like, and so when you see drag Queens, when they walk away, if they made the costume, they're usually wearing long hair. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because it's got four way stretch and they do a zipper on it. It goes like a dinosaur spine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, yeah. How would you, how would you fix that bias tape? No, what you do is you, you have to pull the, um, as you sew the zipper on, first of all, you can't do an invisible, but as you sew the zipper on, you have to pull the, um, the fabric. I

as you sew it and but you have to pull it the same tension on each side so it's very very difficult to do but you have to so you have to pin it of course yeah and it's still um you have to pin the out of it and you got to measure um you have to and then you got to dart the out of it

You got to dart the back so that it hugs to the body and is more of a body contact. I hate when it's the butt and the shoulders and it's like a fabric tent. My favorite thing is to do two fierce darts with a zigzag. Oh, it's a... I f***ing do it. Yeah, I love. I mean, I love it. Four-way... Sewing stretched is no joke. It's not easy. No. I learned to sew from a flat patterning book. I never learned that. I never learned that. So that's how I learned was I made a pattern of my bodice, pattern of my bottom, and then I made like three sleeves, two sleeves.

Two skirts and I just Lego mix and match. Yeah. And that was nice because I built it for my real measurements. Yeah. So everything fit perfect. Yeah. But I never used stretch. And drag queens are always like, it's so easy. You just trace your body. Years later, when I started using stretch, it can go very awry. Of course. Because also it's the fabric can be slippery. If you don't, because I don't, I don't pin shit.

I don't pin so I like, I know this great. I do everything wrong, but it still works for me because it's stage wear after at the end of the day, it's not going on the rack. It's not the tour. No, if I'm making something for somebody else, I'm high stress. I can't do it. When somebody is like, I like that. Can I borrow it? I will go. I made that. So just so you know, I made that. Yeah. There's sequin, uh, raw sequin edges that are going to chop up your arms and legs. Yeah. I remember when you're going to get fisted. I don't want to. Are you sure? And I think it breaks your asshole.

It doesn't break everyone's asshole, but I think for me, there would be a danger of breaking my asshole. And I like poop the size it comes out now. You don't want it any bigger? That angel hair pasta. Stop. Like, that's what I want. Sorry I brought it up. Back to fisting. I mean, some guys have those short, fat dicks with a huge head. It's like being fisted. Oh, you know... Those guys have those mushroom dicks where when they put them in, it feels like they're putting it in basketball first. And then when they pull out, you feel like you've been gutted. I was recently chatting with some...

I was chatting with a man on one of those apps and it literally was a thin stock in a huge mushroom cap. They love it. Who loves it? Everyone. God. I was like, you're going to plunge my toilet? No, it's like a lollipop. I don't. It's a fucking double bubble. No, it was a plunger.

Yeah, it was a plunger. And I feel like the physics of that is going to... It's like a French press up your ass. Yes. Do you know what I mean? It feels like a giant piece of concrete on the end of a piece of rebar. It's like jagged. It's not... Like somebody walked up to...

a construction site and got a piece of rubble and said, bend over Leslie. It's, I don't, I don't love that idea. I don't love that idea. I'm fine with just call me old fashioned. And I've realized that in Los Angeles, in Los Angeles, this is conservative. This is close minded. This is Laura. This is Laura Ingalls Wilder. It's Laura Ingalls Wilder. Sarah Plain and Tall. Via like, um,

Arkansas, state senate, whatever I just want Amanda hug and kiss I just want to touch, hold, kiss Touch And if we are going to do anal I want kissing, then oral Then some light fingering Then slow Amodium I love gay I am gay I love gay Gay pride, whatever

I just think that. Did you see Mariah? No. So not really gay. Not that gay. Okay. I'm not that gay. I think that, I think we're taking it a little, we're pushing it to the limit. We're pushing things to the limit. Things are getting pushed to the limit.

I watched this David Attenborough documentary on Netflix about how this guy is 93 years old, the nature documentary guy. He's done millions of documentaries on nature. He knows exactly how the world is dying. We're pushing earth to the limit. Gay people are pushing sexuality and gayness to the limit. The breeding, the lingo.

- The imagery. - Dump, anonymous dump. - The load collecting. - You don't have a butt, it's a sperm bank. - Yeah, well. - And I'm just, I'm concerned. I was just a concerned citizen without judgment. I'm wondering how many loads does it take? - Yeah. - To find. - Yeah, and yeah.

Yeah. And the way we make pride merch too doesn't always have to call back to the bedroom. I think sometimes like a baby onesie that says top, bottom, and then like undecided. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if as queer people we need to be immediately identified by the sex we have, which is why it's so shocking when people ask things like,

who's the top or who's the bottom relationship or who's the man or the woman it's like when you random straight person when you see me as a gay person your mind immediately thinks about what kind of sex do i have that is weird it is weird and i think i and i know from a like personal observation and you know locker room chit-chatted gay people are so wild they're wilding out with nick cannon they really are every day it's the secret life of pets it's the secret life of pets too sniffies

Snippies. It's wild. It's wild enough with Nick Cannon. It is. It really is. But you know, I think snippies is sort of the frontier. It's a reversion. It's encouraging knowing less about the partner. It's encouraging maybe not knowing what they look like. Maybe in public. Which also I feel like is the upside. It's a great boon for the ugly. Can I talk to you about PT? Part-time work? Or physical therapy? Poodie tank. No.

My brother and my brother's wife are PTs. Talk about it. So I think last time I was on the pod, I talked about my arm. Did I talk about my arm? Your arm? Your elbow? So if you're all watching at home, this arm straightens this much. And this arm wasn't, it was like this, locked. Chapter 44. Locked. I went to a PT and I kind of like thought it would help. He helped me so much so fast in even one session that I almost started crying and hugged him. You sh** for my arm. Did you pay him though? No. I'm just kidding. Yeah, of course.

But I went to PT somebody for my TMJ because, I mean, a couple weeks ago, my mouth would barely open. That's how bad it's been. Oral sex no more. Yeah. I mean, I could maybe folate a peanut M&M at this point. But you're allergic to peanuts. Well, it's a risk I'm willing to take. It's an sacrifice you're willing to take. What if I talked to, it's a risk I'm willing to take. Chapter 45. Anything that has that f***ing nut in me. Anything that has that f***ing nut in me.

I want to have an allergic reaction in my lower colon, baby. Ooh. Ooh. Anaphylactic shock? Wait. Ah! Ah!

Who listens to this? Okay. Mama. People who want to die. So something happened and I don't want to get kicked out of my doctor, but I want to say what happened. I feel like there's a doctor patient confidentiality. And I do think as patients, we should have the freedom to say what happened at our doctor's appointment, but I don't want to like overly share people's practices. We just don't give the name. Trade secrets. Okay, great. We're going to call them Dr. So-and-so.

Dr. Dr. Dr. Monica to Monaco. Yes. Okay. Easy to say. So I go in there and you know, I'm telling him about my job being locked up. It's Dr. Moon. It's Dr. Moon. Perfect. So he's like, get up on the table. Super helpful. Um, works on my elbow a little bit as a, as a, as a little pro am race for the cure. Like, like we weren't there to see my arm and I mentioned my arm and he did a little bit on it, which was so welcome and nice. Now

Not that we should expect healthcare providers to put in the extra other body parts. No, ma'am. But it was nice. So he starts working on the jaw. He's explaining it to me. He's feeling all over my head. And he's basically like, okay, your jaw is supposed to be an even hinge that goes up and down. One of your sides is recessed. So the whole thing is off kilter, which is why like when you chew and talk too much, it creates problems for you. So he gave me exercise to do. But Mary, you better believe he had to put on gloves, reach in my mouth with both thumbs.

Both thumbs in my mouth. Both of those thumbs? And I'm just going to say he wasn't unattractive. Dr. Moon was hot? He was very handsome and professional and nice and helpful. Thank you, Dr. Moon. Calming energy. I mean, for a doctor to put their fingers in your mouth and for you to not feel weird and embarrassed, I felt very relaxed, chill. But he goes, all right, we're going to get your jaw open today. And I was like, okay. And I kind of like didn't believe him. I'm getting hard. He goes, we're going to get your jaw opened up.

Which any other context, you know, but this is a medical environment, you know, this is a medical bar, you know, by the way, would you have gagged if he took like an x-ray of my head and says, have you been sucking? Yeah. So he gets both thumbs. Both thumbs are up inside my mouth and he goes, you can bite on my thumb. So I put pressure on the thumbs and then he uses the pointy part of his thumbs to start pushing into the soft tissue, my hinge joint.

And he's looking out into space because people who do body work, they almost look away from your body to like visualize your skeleton while they're doing it. Massage people sometimes like look out into space while they do it. Yeah. It's a little horny. Yeah. So, but it wasn't too horny, but I was thinking like, wow, this is intimate. Somebody's thumbs in your mouth is intimate. Not in a sex way. No. So I don't want to get kicked on my doctor. No, don't do it. Because I was completely professional. Dr. Moon is up there in orbit.

Right. I think it's okay to acknowledge that in other pretenses, this could be the beginning of porn, but this currently is doctor. I watched a porn that started like this. Right. So then he's pushing the thumbs and he's pushing thumbs into the soft tissue and basically prying my jaw open, uh,

And he's taking breaks and he's going, are you okay? Are you okay? And he's prying, prying, prying. The terrifier? Pretty much. And he's like, your jaw will shift one way really easy. And the other way it's so locked up. I can't even push it the other way. I mean, it's so bad, but he got it open a few more millimeters. And I was able to eat this week and chew with like no clicking and popping and no major pain. And I'm seeing him again tomorrow. And I'm so thrilled. I was like, do you think we'll be able to, after a few visits, you think we'll be able to get it open? He was like, oh yeah.

Which was so comforting for Dr. Moon. Dr. Rebel Moon. Yeah. But you know, in other contexts, beautiful doctor, thumbs in my mouth, eye contact saying we're going to open it up. I'm like, oh my God. I watched a pornographic film this morn that involved a man putting his fingers in another man's mouth. And you know what happened. Yes.

This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. I would like to confess something. I, Katya Zamolachkova, High Priestess of Drag, EGOT Aspirist, West Covina City Council Member, and Lord Magistrate of Bitchfield Village in the Southern District of Lincolnshire, England, occasionally engage in extremely awkward conversations.

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Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

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Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Well, what about what I sent you the other day? The guy at the Scientology place. Oh, I loved that. Somebody on Grindr messaged me. I was in New York and they said, meet me at the Scientology museum. And I said, for what? And then they said, oh, I'm in the second floor bathroom. And I said, okay.

I said, are you for real? And they said, well, I actually usually go in the movie theater because there's movies playing for free all day and no one's in there. And I said, you're weird. And then 10 minutes later I said, what movie? Dianetics. Because I thought, what if it's the Lady and the Tramp or something I'm into? Or like Citizen Kane. They said Dianetics book one. Yeah, of course it is. The guy said, at this point I haven't memorized. I mean, I think there is. I'm not into Scientology, but I don't think we need to be jerking off in their movie theater. No. And also there's like, just go to the public library.

Well, that's gay people though. Not only are they only into fisting because anal is like too normcore. Yeah, French kiss. They also can't do it privately anymore. Gay guys are like, well, why wouldn't we go down to the Gelson's

And I'll lay over a fucking display of cantaloupes and you can, you can gut me. Well, no, it's like, um, it's like, do you want to come over? Uh, no, I want to go to the home Depot parking lot. You know what I mean? Like what was, are you nuts? A hundred percent. We, we met like we're, I mean, our story, my cock at the American dollar store. It's like,

You know, when we're at a party, we're like two years. It's our wedding anniversary. And it was like, how did you do it? Like, well, you know, like every other gay man, we're so cliche. We met fisting at the Home Depot second floor parking lot. Yeah. He took a foreskin. He did a foreskin shot out of my cock at Disney at the Ikea showroom. In the Ikea bedroom showroom.

Like, like call me old fashioned, but I only have six in the bedroom of an Ikea showroom. So I met him at the Disney store on Hollywood Boulevard and he rimmed me. Yeah. He was the guy with the snake. He shoved it up my ass. He put, he fed the whole boa constrictor up my ass just with the tail was coming out. And then I got it. And then I ran around Hollywood Boulevard with just the tail out. And then the snake's mouth came out of my mouth and then he ripped it out and then he fucked me again with it.

We went down to the Madame Tussauds and he fucked me over the Josh Brolin wax figure. So we kind of had a three-way, really. And I said, oh my God, is that all you? Mama. I think that I truly do feel for the men who like, you know, when we were, I could, half the crowd I could tell was like kind of gay or maybe like a third of the crowd was gay when we saw Dune 2. And I know those sandworm scenes. I know what they did to those men. I know what those sandworms mean to those men.

They're like, Ooh, I wish I had that on my ass. That sand to see. I wish I had that giant worm up my ass. That Tim, that Timothy little bird body riding that thing. They want him to get fucked by the sandworm. They want the sandworm to knock him over and then just to have him like legs open and

overhead like a pretzel and that worm just goes straight up his little rickety body. Well, because it's a metaphor. They see themselves as Timothee Chalamet. Yeah. They see the sandworm as like sexual freedom. Yeah. And then they see the sand as like adversity. That's true. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Do you like public sex? Are you turned on by public sex? Um, uh,

No, I don't think so. Okay. So if you were somewhere, let's say you were on a beach. I don't want to get arrested. Well, let's say you're on a beach and someone really hot is coming on to you and you guys are starting to get handsy.

Would you be, would you a go along with it? Cause it's in the moment or B be like, Oh, this is better because there's excitement. Is it the excitement? Does it turn you on that someone might see you? I don't know. Sucky dick in a park bench. I don't know. No, because I think I have the, the, the fear of legal action. I don't want to be labeled a sexist.

defender. Me too. But if we, perhaps if we lived in a world where the naked body wasn't criminalized, yes, things might be a little bit different. And I wouldn't even have this conversation in my head. We wouldn't be talking about load collecting. Have you ever had sex at a gym? Uh, no, no. I did once. Bathhouse.

Oh, okay. Bathhouse. Okay. Yeah. But that was like in Brazil. Yeah. Where people were, I mean, it was a place to have sex. Right. You know what I mean? Have a six. Have a six in the gym. I was at a gym once and this guy came up to me and it was one of those gyms that was like day pass. He had $22 day pass for the gym, which I was like, God, it's close to, it's close to whatever. Great. $22 for day pass. I think is a lot. Yeah. I think it's a lot. Well, yeah. Yeah.

Granted, I know as a member, I'm not a member I'm getting allowed in. I'm very thankful. Great. I'm at the gym and this gentleman comes up to me and starts talking to me. I'm like, oh, great. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah, this gym, whatever. And then so I'm in this city and they were like, yeah, this gym is actually famously owned by like a conservative, a conservative public figure.

this, this, this gym. And it randomly is like the cruising place. And the guy's telling me this and I'm like, anyway, that's cool. And I'm so thick in the skull. I don't think I'm getting cruised. Like, I don't think I've never, I've never, you have to pay attention to get cruise and I'm never paying attention. So like, you know what I mean? You have to be like, did someone look at me? Yeah. Yeah. They'd have to have two fingers up your ass for you to be conscious of them. Like, exactly. I have my hand pulls and I'm listening to music. Like, do you remember, you know, like I have my own stuff going on.

And then I'm like, it didn't occur to me that he's might be hitting on me by making me aware of the fact that this is technically a hookup gym. And I didn't know it was a pretty empty gym, but it was the middle of the day during the week. So I figured they're all empty. I go to the locker room. The locker room is like almost like a lot of winding. Every day is a winding road. So show crow and I'm changing. And the guy who talked to me earlier comes by and he's in a towel and the towel swings open and he goes, are you coming? And I go, no.

Get out. What is this like you're a Debbie does Dallas? Yes Debbie does Dallas. I was there to work out so I didn't know this was gonna happen so I felt almost like I would have felt pervy if I came here like right cuz I don't want to have sex in public it's just if you're gonna have a hookup do it in a room private me personally I would rather do private and this guy's like are you coming and I'm like

Well, I was on the way to the shower, so I guess technically I'm going to that area of the bathroom with you. Yes. Open concept shower? No, individuals. Individuals with frosted glass. Frosted glass? So then I'm like, well, I guess we're doing this. And then we f*** off, but. Oh. Well, I lived right down the street from you, you know, because I arrived at your house one day. Yes.

Let's just say in high spirits. Let's just say feeling my fantasy. Let's use a euphemism, shall we? We're going to leave it at that. Yes, yes. It was a good night. I don't think I knocked on the door. I think I came through the window. You did? I think I maybe flew through the window. It was Christmas. I remember that. It was Christmas. I took a shower with my clothes on. We got a package. We got a package. Yes. I was cutting invisible cucumbers on her kitchen counter. Then I went into the bathroom, turned on the shower, left the bathroom.

It was a lot. It was a lot going on. It was good times. But you know what, though? You are a consummate professional and a decent human being because not only did you not call the police. No, I didn't. You did not call my mother. No. Or my babysitter. No. Or my grandmother. No. I didn't know any of that. I was like, girl. Well, I killed them all. Makes sense. Another piece of the puzzle. I know that you have been...

I know that you're a woman of experience, experience with crazy difficult people. Not only how you control a rowdy crowd with a microphone, but the way that you navigate and having a crackhead in your house was very...

Well, you know what's crazy is that, you know, when I started drag, I mean, it was a different world and you met all different types of people. So you had the hoes, you had the druggies. I mean, I've had my share of drugs as well. New Orleans. Yeah. I mean, it was just part of the scene. So it's not so much. Well, you know, I mean, I know, and I don't want to be so okay boomer or remember when or back in our day, but like, I've always said this, honey,

Drag queens were typically three things. Yeah. Prostitutes, drug users, drug dealers, or scammers. Oh, and don't forget alcoholics too. Oh, alcohol and drugs. Yeah. And all of us steal. We all stole because we're all poor. Right. And it's like, so how, when did it become that we're not only running for Congress, we're

we're running nonprofit businesses to serve the community. Well, it's also crazy that when drag it became a business because in the beginning it was like, remember when you- Well, it's business. It's risky business. Very risky, but you would get in drag to like go meet with your friends and hang out. Or f*** a man. Oh, I've never done that. You f*** a man in drag? No, nobody wants to f*** us. No,

You would think because let's just not cut you don't exactly like Margot Robbie.

No. More of a Lucille Ball, perhaps. Wait, this is news to me. I don't look like Margot Robbie? No.

Listen, she would never wear bottom lashes. Oh, she would. Those devastating lashes, that incredible crease, the soft blending, those ruby. Blending. Okay, now you lost me. Those luscious ruby lips, that glossy bang covering that horrible forehead. The hair tastefully wrapped up in a police chignon. Police chignon. And they say, oh yeah, I want to f***. No, I want her to f***.

me in the butt. That's what they say. They say, you are Wilma Flintstone and I want you to bedrock my ass with your...

Okay, now that you've made, now you're getting me hard because that actually sounds appealing. But it's true though. But you know, the scary thing about it is, you know how we talk about all the time, the queens that love to have the fans that they have sex with that are always like, ooh, I like that type of person. I've never met those type of queens. I don't know who those are. Yeah, get a mirror. So anyway, these people that enjoy that, I couldn't imagine, but then like, imagine like in a moment where you're having sex and somebody just like turns around and looks at you and goes, yeah, not today, Satan. Like that would like ruin everything.

Think about it. Think about it. I'm always saying it because it happened. But think about it. It's horrible. Like my just crawled up back inside of me. But what you say, you go, you go, need help packing. We gotta talk about Tetsu.

We got to talk about Tootsie. I finally saw Tootsie. I'd never seen it. Let me see you Tootsie roll. I was not ready. Honey, we didn't talk about Tootsie. I've never seen it until now. So if I ever did talk about Tootsie, I was pretending it. And now I saw it. Okay. Dustin Hoffman, Terry Gar. Because honestly, you don't have to see Tootsie. We get it. Do we get it?

I'm in a cross-dress to be on TV. Like, we get it. No, the insurmountable problem, the plot device of insurmountable problem only surmounted by cross-dressing. It's so c***y. One of the boys? Yentl. Tootsie. Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire. Cross-firing is the answer. Get the f*** on the TV. I am watching that. You said cross-firing. Cross-firing. Well, that's when, yeah. So in Tootsie, he's an acting teacher.

And he's, he has a, Terry Garr is his student girlfriend that you're kind of sleeping together. And he's not getting work as a male actor. So he's like, let me try female acting. Cause it's a, it's easier. I don't know. I wasn't really clear on why becoming a woman was the move. Yeah. But he gets to cast on a soap, right? In my opinion. What? In my opinion, if you need only the suggestion of an audition for a soap to cross dress mama, right?

That was headed in. That was coming. That was coming, babe. You know what I mean? It's like drag queens who have no paid gigs. They get one unpaid gig and immediately get acrylic nails and shave their eyebrows. It's like, honey, jump aboard the cross-dress express diva because Miss Fierce and Detective Fierce. That was coming. The Trans-Siberian Railway is taking off. Choo-choo. Girl.

The Polar Six Express. It was coming. Mike, well, how about the truly, I mean, in these movies, most of these movies, Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire, for example, these people are not what I would call Pasolena. Well, Mrs. Doubtfire, I would say yes. But is Mrs. Doubtfire passing? More tonight at seven. Passing what? Passing what? Passing the bar. Passing a stone. Passing...

She's passing a stone. Well, if you're passing for an old lady, you're passing a stone. You're passing a stone and you're also, um, the, wait, so Tootsie, Tootsie. Tootsie. Would you f*** Tootsie? I know you would. I know you would. Even out of drag, Dustin Hoffman, I'm not really attracted to. What about, what about The Graduate?

No, too short. Oh, he's like 4'2". Yeah. Well, that's how he passed as a woman on the soap. Duh. And I believe in short kings. I love that. I'm not going to your kingdom. You know what I mean? I believe in short kings. I see you. I believe in you. I see you. I don't f*** with you though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All drag is valid. Yeah, if you have to get on your knees to suck my d*** and then we need like a yoga, like a block for you to get on. Oh my God, a little padding. Yeah. Yeah.

And I don't think we're all the same height laying down. That sounds like necrophilia. I was just going to say that. That sounds like necro. T. Like, what about, like, I wanted an acting gig, so I had to become a corpse to get to get on TV.

Let's take another break. Basically there's a part, there's a few parts I loved, which is Dustin Hoffman is he's improvising in the scenes and he's giving the female characters more depth because in this series, the females are all wanting to doctor. They all, they're all passive and he starts going off book and being like, no, I'm not doing that. Whatever. And then he's cheating out and going, well, why would she do that? She's a woman with kids. Why would she blah, blah, blah. So he's adding depth to the character, which makes the viewers at home like that character. Yeah.

And so it's kind of funny because while stealing a role, stealing a role from women, just like Stanley Tucci taking every gay role. I was this close to being in Devil Wears Prada. Every single bald gay role, every bald role, every gay role. Yeah.

Yeah. Everyone. And people get mad about other people doing it. When Stanley Tucci does it, no one cares. Why was he in burlesque and Devil Wears Prada playing the same exact person? Always gay. I don't care about gay playing gay. I care about gay playing good job playing gay. You just have to do a good job. Yeah. You just have to play the character. If you're like playing, if you're doing like an action something and you're like, hello, here we go, guys. I'm going to kill you. Like that's not going to work. Yeah. Although I live for like, you know,

You know, I mean, representation comes in all forms. But when like Reno 911 was on TV and what's his name? Nick Swartzen played Terry, who gets arrested all the time. He's always like, he's the guy who's like, leave me alone. I'm dead. Wait, he was, but you can play, anybody can play gay, but not anybody gay can play straight. Well, duh. On Broadway you can. You're my girlfriend and I love to eat your pussy. Literally. Literally.

Honey baby doll. I love you. I just love you. I think we should get married. My wife is giving birth. My wife is having a baby right now. I hate. I asked her what her ring size was and she said she wanted a princess cut. I'm like, honey, with those hands. You're giving Harkonnen. What does that mean? It means the Baldi's from Dune. Is it hot? I think so. Okay. The fact that we were not scouted and then headhunted and then cast as extras in Dune 2 as a member of the Harkonnen family.

on Gaty Prime is so flagrant, so hateful, so rotten and unforgivable. I'm only hoping that Denis Villeneuve, if he gets his shit together, will realize the error of his ways and right that wrong by casting us as extras. I don't want to lie. I don't want to lie. I can't act well. I know that. But I won't mess up the movie with dialogue, but I will...

stink up that set as an extra in the background and he better come knock on doors open in the checking out yeah mama both of us and no lines famous bald not great actors but i will love to be in the background of that on that set with zendaya and timothy timothy uh timothy chalamet and you know all those i think you're a good actor i'm not but it's okay i appreciate the comment and when i say i'm not sometimes people are like no you're an actor i said it's okay if we're not good at everything yes

I know. I don't like patronizing lies. I'm not good at it. And I don't aspire to be good at it. So it's okay. It's okay. It's okay. But I tell you what I am good at. Singing. Right. Here we go. Diarrhea. She's got a black task. A fucking black diary.

She's got it.

Oh, I miss rehab.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Hello, I'm Heather McDonald, stand-up comic and pop culture expert and the host of my podcast Juicy Scoop. If you're obsessed with Hollywood romances, reality TV drama on and off camera, and celebrity gossip, this is the show for you. In each episode, I dive into the juiciest, most salacious, and

controversial pop culture stories of the moment. And I give my opinion in the most comedic way. It's based on my own Hollywood experiences working on television shows and of course my own experiences with the actual stars themselves. You're also going to hear from a range of guests from actors to comedians

to comics to reality stars like Countess Luann from New York Housewives or Jax Taylor from Vanderpump Rules and now The Valley. So if you want the scoop on the hottest gossip, you've come to the right place. Tune into Juicy Scoop wherever you get your podcasts. You'll thank me later.

I want to paint a picture to you and I want to see if you know what this picture is. Okay. Okay. So I'm like, imagine I'm like a very classically handsome, like shirtless, very barely clad guy or, or the same version of a female. Okay. Like, okay. Just hot. Um, yeah. Yeah. Universally hot. Universally hot. Um, you walk into the frozen food section and I'm right here. What do you do?

Do you know what I'm talking about? You find me at home wearing this. What's the vibe? Oh, that like clickbaity Twitter? Yes! Like you walk in the locker room like this. What do you do? Yes! Oh my God!

I hate it. I hate it too. I hope they all die. I hope they all die. I hope they all perish. I hate it too. And it's also like, also it's like gym shorts and it's like, yes, what do you do? It's like, well, I don't sexually assault you at the store. If that's what you're saying, I'm picking up half and half sugar and a couple of bananas for, for a snack. I'm not raping people at the supermarket. Well, not just that. Sometimes it'll be like, Oh my God, it'll be the,

anal bead up the butt and they're like you walk into the GameStop and I'm behind the counter like this what do you do but they're not like that that's funny this is what they are no but they're not trying to be funny no but they're not no no no I'm saying what you're describing is funny it's heightened well I'm doing comedy yeah okay well I don't want to do comedy I want to do social commentary I'm trying to do I'm trying to do the intersection between specific and exaggerated well you're doing a great job thank you okay

Let's take another break. No, no break. Don't you dare. Let's take a break and you go TV. And they screen wipe. I like the thing that's almost, the thing that almost saves it for me is that it recently occurred to me that absolutely many of them have fake dicks. They're packing. They have packers on. What? They have.

in their pants. The Green Bay Packers. Yes. They have packing dicks in their pants. That's their packing peanuts. They are packed up. They have, they're like, there's a few of them and they all, for some reason, I don't know what the sort of

with the rationale, I'm sure that logistically it makes perfect sense. They have several different Instagram accounts. Okay. Oh, I think, you know why? Because many of them, they, they're like in preventative, um, they're doing damage, like preventative damage control because I think eventually they always try to push the boundaries of what is allowed on Instagram. Oh girl. And they love to be like, Instagram hits gay people. I'm like, you were actually sucking cock on Instagram. Yeah. You had all your fingers spreading

wide open your hole i saw your goddamn brush it was bright red it was right right on instagram okay it was like bolognese it was it was marinara on instagram you know i fucking can't take right now i hit you so hard i'm so hard no hit me i can't fucking take it are you watching these do you get in this the algorithm of hairstylists doing their consultations on camera

Miss Honeyfaggot. Let me tell you something, bitch. Miss Nelly Honeyfaggot. Sit down in your wickered...

Descending wheelchair and start screaming. Oh my God. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So, okay. Walk me through it. So like there's a TikTok camera here, a phone, I believe they're called TikTok cameras. Yeah. Yeah. AKA a phone. Yes. And it's always someone. We're going to get YouTube down here to film this. So they film people and they go, hi, my pronouns are she, her, whatever. And they make the person in the chair say it, which is lovely. Fine. Great. Love it.

Love it. Love it. And you know what? If you have your conservative clients, your liberal clients are like, it's actually they, him. Thank you. Your conservative client will go, my pronouns are kiss my ass. That's fun and everyone wins. Yes. Nobody doesn't like that. Everyone loves it. It's so fun. It's classic. It's original. It's always right on time. Yeah. And it doesn't ruffle any feathers ever. No, no, no, no, no. Love it. So when they do the consultation, they go, can I touch you? Which I get it. I get it.

But aren't, how are we going to cut and color hair without touching people? Are we doing telekinesis? Like, can I touch you? What if the person goes, oh, there's touching involved in this? They're like, absolutely not. I thought you were going to whisper from about six meters distance and then my hair was going to turn. I know it's a formality, but it's those moments where I'm full. Am I red state? Yeah. Am I, you know, I'm like, can I touch you? Yeah. Where do you stand with butthole pictures?

Well, I love them. Okay. I love them because I want to know what's going on there if I need to get my weed whacker out. Right. Do I need to, do I need to like, like for you, it's more like having a map of the mall. Do I need an extension cord for my turkey knife? Do you know what I mean? Like I need to, I need to, yeah. Do I need to, we need to get Tabitha in here. Tabitha. Tabitha takes over your asshole. That's what I call it when I top. Yeah. When I top, it's when Tabitha takes over. Tabitha tops over. Yeah.

When I'm topping, girl, tonight Tabitha's taking over. Oh my God. Because my in-drag name. They've done such a bad job topping. You're like, okay, hold on. Give me a kiss. I'm taking over. And you know, when I hook up in drag, that's my Taffy name. I'm Taffy. Taffy takes over. And then when I'm topping in drag, it's Tabitha taking over. Fierce. Oh, that's fierce. That's diabolical. You know what I think? I think topping is fierce.

I love it. I think there's something to it. I love it. It's great. I think I'm going to come around. And also, yeah, you got to get into it. It's fierce. And also like, but the only thing though, that's tough. And I, and I have a hundred percent empathy. Unfortunately, like listen to accents. I know we talked about this before. It says, but I don't want to talk about, but we're ending. We're going to wrap it up soon. So they might as well talk about.

It is always something. It's always, it is always possible. It is accidents. Yes. You're talking about like when somebody reruns you on the freeway while you're getting. Yeah. Yes. But I'm like, there's always a chance that there will be blood, you know, striking oil. Of course. Unfortunately,

I mean, striking oil spray you in the face. Yeah. When you're fracking. No, you look like you were baking brownies and the kitchen exploded. I mean, unfortunately for me, that usually means I would say, okay, I would say you have to be the love of my life in the first two weeks of our honeymoon phase for me to be

We clean up everything. And then in a couple hours or something, we try again. That's usually, that's really not happening. It's we're done. We're done. And that's okay though. That's okay. There's no, like I would never, I would never ever make anybody feel some type of way or even into it that, or even give the, even the whiff that I was disappointed or that they were a real man keeps going. Oh, a real man takes that turd out and fuck it. Okay. And you know what else?

What? I'm sorry. Men used to win wars. Men used to build houses. Men used to f*** turds. Men used to s*** on d***s. I can tell you how many times I've caught boyfriends crouched over the cat box f***ing those turds. Oh my god.

No, you fucking rancid. I think it's fine. You think what's fine? Shitting on dicks? No, I think it's a measure of maturity, how you handle that situation. Of course. And also like, and here's the thing though, you really don't, I don't expect anybody to, because the times that I bottomed, I'm like, I say four out of, three out of four times. Four out of the five times that it ever happened. No, like I say four out of, I don't know what the fuck.

99 people in a room. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And when only one person's on your dick. Yeah. No, I, I'm like almost every time it happens, I prepare it to bottom. I'm like, this is, this is crazy. It is crazy. This is crazy. And even sometimes you think you're so clean and you're wrong and they pull their out and you put your mouth on it and you go, Oh, okay. Pudding pop. Okay.

Well, just as I thought. And now I have to either recoil in pain and go like, ah, no good. Or, or, or, or, you know, or you need to double down. And guess what, honey? You might have to, you know, clean it off before you get like, you know, I'm going to go kill myself. I'm not a part of this anymore. I was never here. You were never here. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, even when you do,

Clean out. And even when sex is going well, there's always the chance. Don't ever take for granted the fact that things might still happen in the 11th hour. I know. That's why I was so thrilled to go in to get the job done in five minutes and get out of there scoff-free, clean as a whistle. Boom, let's watch a movie. Also, grow up. Grow up. Exactly. Grow.

Lay down the brown bath towel. Hello. And prepare for the worst. Yeah, we're not on the white Tiffany sheets. No, I got bottled water. I got canned goods. A radio. Thank you. Also, you better believe I had my new Cjoe duvet cover delivered. I put a huge worn and weathered throw blanket over that thing. I was not about to get one drop of lube on that f***er.

you