Texas, Tennis, & Two Turntables and a Microphone with Trixie and Katya
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Oliver P holes Oliver P holes yeah sucking dick in Cox and fucking her right in the piss hole hi I'm Trixie Mattel and I would like people in Texas to be able to get abortions yes and I'm Katya and my baby's bones are sticking out bones bones are sticking out because they should have been aborted is that did that happen last night overnight

Now, women, it's almost impossible for them to get abortions before six weeks, which is before most women even know they're pregnant. Yeah. So the thing about I mean, we have the whole we have the whole American historical timeline to tell us how this shakes out. Limiting access to abortions does not mean not having abortions. It means life threatening back procedures done to women in desperation. This means the dead women. This is so crazy.

This is the same people that were like, well, I don't want to wear a mask. It's my body. It's my choice. I think it's worse than that. Oh, yeah. These are the same people. God's perfect breathing system. God's perfect breathing system. And of course, the irony is that these people don't give a fuck about these babies once they're out of the vagina.

For you, the God's perfect breathing system is hotboxing yourself with a cigarette with a window unit. Yes. I got an AC and I got my Marlboro light. Mama, that's God's perfect breathing system. You better smoke it, smoke it, smoke it. But I don't understand why we're legislating women's reproductive systems.

By the way, let's be honest, it's mostly men. All men. All men. As if women are in a corner somewhere getting themselves pregnant on their own. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting because you think about birth control as well. There's a condom. Okay. So in...

And men won't. So men won't use a condom, which is really the only thing that's available for men. It's just thing you put on your dick. And they'd rather take that off because for the 10, about the 10 seconds during their orgasm, they would rather not go to the trouble of pulling out of the woman's vagina because it's going to maybe give them about,

18% more pleasure than it would otherwise. So that 18 to 20% more pleasure is worth fucking up that woman's life in Texas. It's so jacked. Well, now these women have to like, you know, they have to travel to other states. Also, do you know about this? That in Texas, there's a website where you can like anonymously report people for getting abortions.

So that they can get charged? This is McCarthy era, like, that is like some Soviet Union fucking, like, communist shit. Mary, what about these places that call themselves, like,

pregnancy crisis centers and then you go in there and there's like a god statue and they're like your baby's alive we took a picture of it and it's like a sperm with sunglasses emoji like this this is your baby yeah your baby's talking right now he's vibing people are fucking weird dude I don't know yeah it's one of those it's one of those things where it's just I don't people live too long people live too long 80 year old death rattlers being like this is the way things have been

And the way they should stay. Die. Don't wear your mask. Don't wear it. I hope you get coughed on. But I'm just I it's truly baffling. It's one of those issues that it's baffling. I don't understand it. I don't understand the thing. If you don't want to have a baby, you shouldn't have to be forced to have a baby.

It's just not I don't it. Abortion is a medical right, just the same as you have the right to go get treated for the flu or you have a cut in your arm and you go get stitches. That's an abortion. And also it's not some you know how a lot of time it's framed as like, oh, it's this nobody wants to go through it. No, no, no. Sometimes abortions are quick, simple and fine. There's no moral issue there.

You know what I mean? Like, you know, sometimes people also not wanting people feeling they can't talk about it. And so then it feels like this weird secret thing that nobody talks about. You know, people, you know, you know, we know about abortions. Yeah. They just don't wear a fucking button that says I had an abortion. Ask me how I voted like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then I mean, don't even get me started because also it's like they want women to, you know, not take birth control, whatever.

And then women also, what do they make? However many cents on the dollar that men make, what is it, like 70 cents? The government also does not pay for women's like,

tampons, birth control. Tampons are still taboo. How about that? Tampons, maxi pads, that's like coming out of women's pockets and they already make less money than men. It's fucking, the way that this country, this particular country hates women is outrageous. I watched that documentary about the women in film called This Changes Everything. It talks about the disparity in entertainment and how like

Like I was just telling Eden, the silent movie, when the movies were silent before the talkies, there were women directors, writers flourishing, tons flourishing. And then the talkies came in and which were bankrolled by the banks owned by men. And then all of a sudden it was just a boys club. And then the unions, yada, yada, yada. Girl, they're like women are shat on. They have been since 19 fucking 20. And Hollywood has not changed at all. Imagine how tired they are. Yeah.

I would, if I were a woman, I would have gunned down everybody. I would have muscled. Also this, though. If I were a straight man, the way I would have waltzed into Cedars-Sinai at 12 years old and said, vasectomy for one, please. Well, they wouldn't have given you one at 12. I would have waited till 13. I would have gone back at 14. Say if you were a man. If I were a straight man. If I was a man. No, if I was a man having sex with women with the possibility of impregnating them, I would say, no, no, no, no, not on my watch. I'm going to go snip, snip.

It's just so puzzling. It's like, what are we for? What? Everybody who wants this and votes for it and will just die in like 10 years. So then what? Well, no, but no, but listen, they're no. I mean, Mary. Yes. All this conservative shit like that. It has expiration dates. It slowly goes away.

So it's like, what are you fighting for? No. For what? It doesn't though. It does. They're, they're young and they're, they're isolated and they're, they're growing. They're raising their children that way. I mean, there's huge pockets of this country that are just, they, they, God is a man in the sky who is. Move away.

America needs to be like bisected and trisected. If you want to be weird and Christian and conservative, go fucking go to Florida. Have a great time. You're going to be eaten by an alligator. I know. I mean, be in Los Angeles shooting up like get like,

If there was a Themyscira Wonder Woman's island for gays? It's called City. I'd be gone. I'd be gone. I dream about a national endowment for transporting queer and non-binary and gay individuals from their Arkansas backwoods into the urban environments. You know what I mean? Simone. Simone.

from Arkansas and gay and moved here. Yes, totally. That's what happened to Simone. That's true. The House of Avalon is from fucking Arkansas. The House of Avalon. That is wild. The House of Avalon is a...

It's basically like a secret society of exporting homosexuals from the country and putting them in fashion wear and making them walk. Yeah, it's the backwoods to runway pipeline. It's just so crazy. And then I woke up and it wasn't even trending on Twitter. No one cares. I'm like, okay, great. This is the first I've heard of it. It's just so psycho. It's so sad. But I mean, you know. It's a life. It's a life.

You don't care about anybody. You don't care about the man dying in the street though. That's the weird, that's there's, there's so much inconsistency there. Like we care. We like it's murder. It's murder. It's murder. It's like, well, there's so many other things. What about this guy dying in the street? Well, he should, he should get a job. Yeah. Lazy. He should've went to school. Lazy. Yeah. Lazy. Um, it's, it's really, really wild. There's, I don't understand. Um, the, the murder thing. Um,

But it's like, do you ever see if these walls could talk that, um, isn't it lesbian? The second one was the first one was about abortion through the ages. And she, at the last vignette share plays a, um, a, a surgeon who performs abortions, a gynecologist. And she does it. You handled it like a trooper and then gunned down. She gets killed. Yeah. By, uh, an anti-abortion activist. Oh, like, um, Abraham Lincoln, Marla in,

I care a lot. Yes, exactly that. Exactly that. Exactly. Whoa. I didn't mean to start on that note, but it's just crazy. Abraham Lincoln. Crazy. Yeah. Abraham Lincoln was shot for having an abortion. I get so embarrassed of this country all the time. This country. I mean, from the beginning in this documentary, they laid it out. It's like this document. I mean, this country was founded on evil and violence. The whole economy built by slavery.

And then the entire structure built to keep a whole 60% of people out of the conversation of anything. No women. It's just all old white men in wigs. We talk about this all the time. Oh, no. Oh. I'm the problem. Am I? I'm powerful. I'm George Washington. George Washington, he was doing a number. Knock on wood. His teeth. Cherry tree. His teeth. A big black horse and a cherry tree. Yes. He loved it.

He was doing numbers. Thomas Jefferson was doing knock on wood, hitting his molars. He was. And doing. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. We always talk about this. Like you and I make, of course, exceptionally great income. If you told me a whatever amount of money making person, we're going to take 25% of your income and it's going to house everyone in the world and everyone in your bracket.

Take it. Yeah. I mean, the money. That's the thing. It's you know, there is enough. There are enough resources. There are. There's more than enough, actually, to feed and house everyone at a an above comfort level at a very like above a modest comfort level of living. There is absolutely there. I mean, just the United States.

You know what I thought of today? It's a great way to cheat the system and piss off the conservatives. Let's say you and two people you find very hot and sexy are all living below poverty line. You get a little funky and wild. You become polyamorous. Okay. Three adult incomes. I think the polygamy people have cracked the code. That's just roommates, mama. No, they're fucking and sucking. Live in the same bed. Alaskan King. That sounds like a nightmare to me, though.

Well, yeah, but even one boyfriend's also going to name her to you. Two is like drama. I need my space. But I was thinking today, like, if I had two boyfriends I lived with and we combined our income, would we be on private jets? Would I be Curtis 50 Cent Jackson level rich? No. Now that's just complicated. That doesn't solve anything, mama. You just need a really rich friend.

They need, like Sarah Silverman said ages ago, sell the Vatican, feed the world. Sell the Vatican. Mary, I was there. Is it lit? Lit does not even begin. It's poorly lit. It is like...

I mean, it takes your breath away. I mean, it's a museum, essentially. It's an art museum. Is it like Versailles? It is Versailles on steroids with HGH, a little bit of Milana tan. Have you been to Versailles? I have been to Versailles. It was crazy. It's crazy. It makes Versailles look like my smoking area from my old apartment. Mary, St. Peter's Basilica, just the church. You go in there and you're like,

Oh, God is absolutely real. God has to be real. Wow. Because this is so much. And God wanted us to have, what, four seasons? I mean, Mary, he wanted us to live at the Clapham Grand Junction Hotel. That's what God, I mean, Jesus, that's where Jesus would have lived. But yeah, it's all, you know, it's all men in power. It was just religion back then. Now it's, you know, same fucking dickheads, just different robes. Let's take a break. How did we get...

I just was mad about abortion being, you know, that's all. Not very beautiful. No access to abortion. Ugly. Ugly. The pro-life people, someone lied to them several times and said they were correct, smart, justified, and righteous. Old maiden type of values. Old maiden type of values. Handmaiden type of values. Those are not particularly the morals I would apply to myself. No, I mean, we're taking a break. Let's break.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

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Not something to laugh at. Not something to laugh at, but... Let's address the elephant in the room. We were supposed to film this Monday. I woke up... Oh, yeah. No, let's talk about your DJ set. Oh, okay. We'll go positive first. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I got to DJ at Subbertramp, right? Which is a huge deal, by the way. Before I go on... Huge party. Before I go on, Andres Regal goes, you know, this is a gig that people hear. 10 years DJ hoping to get booked here once. Oh, yeah. Anyway, here's the decks. Good luck. And I'm like...

And it's the daylight. Of course, it's homosexuals and speedos, but they're not drunk. Well, so they're not drunk enough. Yeah. And I had picked out my songs. I knew what I was going to do. And I only had to play 30 minutes and then I was free to go. Only 30 minutes. That's a long time. But 30 minutes is a long time to flop.

But Mateo Sehkab was right next to me, my drag mom. So I knew if I completely flopped, I could just fall to the ground and he could step in. But it was fine. I mean, probably more nervous than I've been in five years. And now what would people, of course, were people looking at you? And then I wore a plain black hat, a plain black polo, and I brought sunglasses thinking I'll hide. And that way, if I flop, like it's very low pressure, like

Somebody's going on before me and after me. No one cares. Did they announce you? I get on there and I get up there and Mario Diaz goes, all right, we got as a surprise for you for the first time ever on the decks, Trixie Mattel and keeps yelling my name. Of course he does. And people are coming to the dance floor and standing up close to watch. And now my little songs I picked out, I'm like, oh God, oh God, oh God. Little bluegrass Jimmy Shimmy did not go over well. Yes, this is Barbie Girl Aqua in a loop.

But I did my 30 minutes and went totally fine. Nothing bad happened. And I was so fucking scared. Yeah, but that's amazing. And the rush. Oh, my God. When the Molly hit. When the Molly hit. But I was so scared. I walked in with that bag and I hold it exactly like this. What did you do? Loretta Lynn into Patsy Cline into... No, I did all dance music. I did gay shit. What'd you do? I did like remixes of different songs. I did some Doja Cat. I did some Kim Petras. I did old school disco. Cool. I stole a bunch of...

Stole a bunch of vocals from rap songs and put them over new beats, made mashups. And I was just getting wild. A bouillabaisse, a musical delight. Yes. But I was only a bedroom DJ for the last whatever. So playing in front of people was electrifying and terrifying. Oh, just sex music? No, like you play in your house. Oh, gotcha. Okay, yeah. It was terrifying. Of course. Yeah. Because you know what I realized? Did you do...

A little bit of that. But when you're up there, if you mess up, everyone will find out because speakers are this big. Yes. And people have their ears and they're listening to you. And this is a job that they don't notice you doing it well. No! But they sure as fuck will know when you make a mistake. Kind of like heart surgery. Open heart surgery. There was one part where I was marrying these two songs and I would say the beat was a little off and I felt people kind of looked like this. And I put my hands up and pointed at Mateo.

I panicked. I said, but it went totally fine. And then it went so good. And Brian from Precinct said, that was great. Do you want to come play tonight? And I said, sure. And I played that night till close. Are you serious? Yes, I did. Oh my God. What a success story. It was so fun. Do you feel really accomplished? I can't tell you. It was probably the most fun I've had at a gay event in years.

years that's incredible I got my whole life me and Mateo we did just back to back he took a deck and I took a deck and we played all night oh so you probably like you were up totally turned that's why we didn't do the podcast the next day well I didn't think I was turned I thought I was riding the wave of doing a good job yeah which you probably were and then by the time I got home on a Sunday at like

Oh, yeah. No, you have a hangover. It's not an alcohol hangover. It's just an emotional hangover. I was also like serotonin hungover too because it was so fun. So I woke up like this. Post-show blues. My mouth was so dry that I opened up and yawned and both sides of my mouth split. Two gashes.

Oh, I looked like a kid who had just eaten a can of soup and a two red dots. And then I text, can we reschedule? And he said, thank you. But it was such a blast. It was so fun. And I haven't felt that way since the first time I did drag. I'm so happy you weren't in drag too. I wasn't. Thank God. Thank God. People would have been throwing up over the music. Jerking off. Yeah. But I hadn't felt that way since the first time I did drag. And I went home that night, the first time I did drag and I was like,

Like I was just, I loved it. That's great. It was like when I finished that set, I went this, I'm going to do this for the rest of my life. I thought of you. I did because my brain was like, oh no, we're doing this in permanent marker. We're doing the rush. Yeah. This is, we're going to chase this little, little kitty cat. It was so fun. That's great. I'll get, but anyway, so then that happened. Then I was hung over and we had to reschedule this, but I spent the day. The babysitting blues. Watching women's tennis. Yeah.

Oh. I don't know why I fell into it. Okay. I knew a little bit of- Which tournament was it? I was going all over. Okay. I was going all the way back to the Martina-Martina-Martino-Britolovas. Oh, you were going back. All the way up to the 2020, you know, 2021 shit. You are YouTube. Yes. Okay. And it's just- Incredible. Incredible. Do you get to Monica Sellis at all? Yes. The grunter? Yeah. Oh, Maria Sharapova? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You want to talk about anti-women? You want to talk about anti-women? Tennis? Yes. In what way? Well, they... Who would play her? What?

It's more like what would play her. If we this pod moves to a season two, it'll be called who would play her. That has to be the new name of the pod. Who would play her. Yeah. Monica said like penalizing for. Meanwhile, you have the male counterparts, John McEnroe famously throwing diva fits. Oh, yeah. Like enormously like flamboyant displays of rage. But a woman can't grunt. She can't grunt.

against the rules. 2021 Grand Slam. It's this woman with her name. Naomi Osaka. Naomi Osaka and Serena Williams and Serena. I forget what it was. They gave her some kind of violation and then they gave her a second violation because of something that she said to the ref. And then they gave her a game violation. And she was like,

this is because i'm a woman men have said much worse things than this and nothing ever happens to them yeah and she had to forfeit the game there was a dude yomi osaka had to accept the yeah well the audience yeah the audience booed and and serena had to go i know this isn't the way everyone wanted to go down but please no more booing this is her moment yeah you know because serena's like i already got a desk full of these awards like it's not you know born in the game but

You know what I loved about it? First of all, women. Second of all, the outfits. Teeniest little miniskirts, bouncy little ponytails. Love it. It's a sport where they are only relying on themselves. There's no coach. There's no team members. It's just them. Well, doubles. Firing this ball. Yeah. At 120 miles per hour. It is so, it is so difficult. It is so, so difficult. It is so fucking difficult because you can't, you can't,

You have to anticipate movement. Like, you're not waiting for a ball to come to whack it. You know what I mean? Like, there's so many, like, higher, like, low processes of the brain, like lizard brain shit going on, and then, like, advanced technique. It's, like, very, very, very...

It's much more difficult than you think. It obviously looks difficult, but it's way more difficult. Yes, because these women hit this ball at such velocity that if you're waiting to see where it's going, you missed it. Yeah, that game is over. And so they're not only having to return the ball, which is impossible at this level.

They're having to see where the other player is and try to figure out where the ball is going to go. And it's like chess on like they're playing chess at like 4000 miles an hour. Yes. Yeah. And like you think, oh, they're all playing tennis. Even at that level, they all play differently.

It's like, oh, she relies on her serve basically getting all her points or she's the best defensive player or she's mind games, too. Yes. Mind games. Yeah. Crazy. Of course, the men's sport is equally crazy. They're men. So it's physiologically speaking, the ball is going a little bit faster, a little bit faster, a little crazier. Serena Williams, Mary Williams.

Venus Williams? Legend. That shit is crazy. It's crazy. And emotional. These people, when they win these, oh my God. I watched a video of Maria Sharapova in 2004 winning her first Grand Slam against Serena Williams at 17. She can't believe. You just beat Serena Williams.

What? Yeah. It's wild. Crazy. And then poor Serena Williams is injured this year. She couldn't play. I got real into it. It's very... I used to get into Wimbledon. It's incredible. And I love the bizarre scoring system. They're in this gladiator, two men enter, one man leaves. Hot, by the way. Hot. People screaming. You're trying to serve this ball and people are like...

Yeah. Hot as fuck too. Sometimes in the blistering summer heat of rotted England. Or the rain. Yeah. They stop. They stop. They pause for weather. So crazy. And this at the Olympics, speaking of like outbursts and men and women, one of the tennis athletes spoke out against Simone Biles because for withdrawing from the gymnastics competition saying like, you know, part of the being an elite athlete is being able to deal with the pressure.

And then literally two days later, he had a fucking meltdown on the tennis court, threw a racket, had a bitch fit diva moment and left the, and like stormed out. Oh, people break rackets left. That I didn't know about. I didn't know how often people break rackets. Yeah, look up John McEnroe. Literally just on his psycho. Jack McEnroff. Jack McEnroff. The porn actor. Jack McEnroff. The porn actor.

Him, right? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Huge diva. It's him on the court, whole out with the lips. I wish. Swinging that dick. Swinging that dick. I saw a porn actor at the Cheesecake Factory and it almost gave me a boner yesterday. Who was it? J.J. Knight. Who would play him? Brian McKnight. Ronald McDonald. Oh!

The Hamburglar. Anyway, I'm into sports now because I watch women's tennis. Great. Congratulations. So let me, how does the scoring system, I'm going to quiz you on the scoring system. I'll tell you this. Go. I've watched upwards of 18 hours of women's tennis. Okay. I don't know how that scoring system works. Love, 15, 30, 40.

I believe 40 or 45 and then it's a match point or set point. 60 is the set, right? Yes. So I think, so how does it goes? Love 15,

30, either 45 and then... Club. Club, club, club. Airplane. No sleep. Mary, that has to be an ink. Who the fuck? Love 40, baby. That's the dating show we're trying to do. Love 40. Loving at 40. Great sex over 60. Sex over 60. Yeah. Bone sticking out. I'm taking a break.

Bones sick and out. Bones sickening out. Bones sick and out. So I DJed and I had my birthday and I got into women's tennis. Oh, happy birthday. Happy birthday. A crisp 32. What have you been up to? I did. I had a horror weekend trilogy. So I did Candyman and then I did Violet. And then looked in the mirror. And then, yeah. And then I was the third one was going to be Summer Tramp.

Wimberly and I were going to go. Mary, I saw videos of that. I said, oh, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, I'm sorry. That's not for me. You know what I liked about it? What? Outdoor. Were there water slides? Yes. Motherfucker. Brandon, my assistant came. First thing he did was eat 30 milligrams of marijuana and go on that water slide. Every single person there was on some kind of drug. Did you know that every person is doing ketamine? Every person.

You don't have to say names. I have a story. So, okay, when I left the theater on Friday night or Saturday night at a pilot show, I ran into someone who was in a K-hole. Yes, I know who did. And I was like, K at the theater.

Listen, I'm not, I'm the last person to judge anybody's drug use, but going to the theater on K is simply undignified. And it's- Doing K and G? Doing K and G at the theater? I mean- Sucking dick and cock and doing K and G? If anything, you're going to go discreetly to the powder room, have your little golden spoon and do a little bump during intermission to keep you, you know, peppy, but you're certainly not going to broadcast it. And you're not doing a dissociative hip sedative. The

Not a dissociative sedative hypnosis sesh. Not a goon and bait sesh. No, you're not drooling out at the theater. During the show. During the show, Mary. During the show. And in a place where you are going to be recognized in the behavioral block. I want to say this. Somebody turned to next. And I'm Pollyanna.

I thought you were Mariana. Mariana Wilderstein? Marianne Williamson. I'm Maria Sharapova. Yes, I'm Maria Sharapova. I'm Anna Kournikova. There's a lot of Ovas.

So fun tennis fact, I don't believe that Anna Kournikova was ever actually really seated high. She was fine. I think she was rated like 66 or something at one time. But she was never a star. She kind of got commercial recognition and success. She's a hot bitch. She wasn't that bitch though. She of course could ace me or you or anyone we know. Of course. But I'm just saying for the amount of fame that she got, it was not commensurate to her skill level or domination in the sport, right? No.

Makes me think of someone I know. Super very famous, no talent. Undeserving. Undiscernible. Unwilling to work for anything. Hasn't really done anything, continues not to do anything. Is blonde. It'll come to me later. Sun damage?

I forget that people are just out there doing drugs like that. At the theater. I forget. At the theater. At the theater. I don't forget that they're doing it at the club. I don't forget that they're doing it at the nightclub bathroom. I just thought that maybe this is because I'm like queer as folk, but like I thought people were more discreet about it. So when somebody turned to me at the show and goes, Trixie, do you want some K-fart?

I, my, my instinct, I should have got, no, thank you. Have fun. And so I went, no, are you? No, that was like, do you want to, do you want to, do you want to take this metal rod and shove it up your pisser? Yeah. Like I just went knitting needle. Like what do you do? Yeah. I have a knitting needle. You want to put it in your pee hole? Yeah. We got 10 minutes till the show starts. It took me a second ago. Oh, that was kind of rude. Cause now I could tell he felt kind of bad and I went, but you guys should have fun. Like, woo. But like,

It's inappropriate because, well, first of all, first of all, no, because the nature of K is very unpredictable. Also, it's the threat of a K-hole is too great in a situation like that. A large public event where you are a prominent figure is very weird and stupid. Maybe cocaine, but still not at the theater. Yeah.

Not at the theater. A drag queen recently that we know, a drag race girl, was telling me that she slipped into a K-hole at an event once in the VIP and it was a long party and she was asleep. Well, you know, people get drunk. For hours and no one woke her up. Yeah. They couldn't get her up. Yeah. Well, people, you know, I always remember people black out. They get trashed. They do lots of things on alcohol and that's totally acceptable because it's a nightclub, you know.

I don't know how often people are falling down drunk. Are you for real right now? Not people I know. Are you not looking around? Are you not looking around using those eyeballs you got in the head and those glasses? You don't see that? You don't space that shit? That shit in your mouth? No, people all the time. There was a woman being, I saw a clip of a girl being taken out of a Lana Del Rey concert at like 2 p.m.

This is, it's just funny. But we don't know it's just alcohol. Oh no, it wasn't. She had just fainted from just hysteria. I thought that was funny. From, I feel her address on the night. Like the four, like large security guards were carrying this girl and she was, Lana was on stage like singing like, Eugene.

White. She was funny. Black shoes. White stockings. Shouldn't be allowed in the church. Wait, wait, wait. Ketamine. G. Shouldn't be allowed at the theater.

Do not go to the, this is what you have at the theater. And this is from a fucking lifelong cracky, by the way. If you're going to do crazy drugs, do them at home or with your friends. If you're going to go to the theater, you have a couple glasses of wine. Red wine, white wine. Or maybe you take an edible or have a little weed. A little bit, yeah, smoking weed, whatever. Nobody's going to get crazy on weed. You have an edible or you, at the most, I could say, you. Propothol. Yeah, yeah. Propothol.

You have your traveling physician with you. Yeah. And he puts you to sleep. Yeah. Get the lethal injection at the gig. A little nitrous mask, you know, especially COVID times. But still, rhinestone. Yeah. Oxygen tanks are very concealable in the dark theater. And people think it's a violet costume.

Boom. That's it. That's it. But leave that K at home, mama. Yeah, people were really wilding out. Leave that K at home. Also, there's a danger of being laced with fentanyl these days, too. Oh, God. That's a whole other scary thing. I only know about fentanyl from that episode of Intervention. Oh, God.

Mama, fentanyl is not true. Fentanyl lollipops. The girl was eating fentanyl lollipops. I'm reading this book by the psychiatrist and she mentioned that. Fentanyl lollipops. For cancer, for terminal cancer patients. Well, yes, of course. But the point being that this incredibly potent drug is available in so many forms. Patches, pills, liquids. Candy necklaces. Yeah. Contact lenses. Eye drops. Rhinestones. Bindis. Yeah. Cuff earrings. Diva cups.

Diva cups. Suppositories. Oh my God. Did you see Tori Spelling at the cemetery? Suppository Spelling. Yeah, I did. You left. I did. But she did look exactly like Wendy Williams.

She did. Did she briefly mention a horrific thing apropos of nothing? I gotta tell you. I gotta tell you. Can I tell you? Tell me. Okay, we went for my birthday to see Scream and Scream 2 at the Hollywood Cemetery for Cinespia. I love Cinespia. It was so fun. Mary, that play, I can't believe I have not been before.

It was so fun. And my friend Aaliyah, who runs it, got us the most beautiful little tickets. We were right next to Olivia Roberts. Billie Eilish. Billie Eilish. The blonde hair heard around the world. Yes. It looked like a wig. It looked like a faker than Drew Barrymore's wig and screen.

So Tori Spelling comes to introduce Scream 2 because she's in it for 60 seconds. But in the first movie, there's this joke where Sidney goes, yeah, if this is a horror movie with my luck, I get played by Tori Spelling. Yeah, she's a joke. And Tori Spelling comes out there and goes, I'm excited to be introducing this movie. She goes, I'm sorry, I'm not Nev Campbell. I'm sorry, I'm not Jada Pinkett Smith. I'm sorry, I'm not Rose McGowan. Yeah.

You're a legend. That's what I said. I'm like, who cares? Fuck them. You're Donna Martin. You better shut the fuck up and be proud of yourself. And she comes in and then she goes, I have to tell you guys though, I read the script for this when it came out. As everyone in Hollywood did, we all got a copy, people who could audition. And we were all like dying to audition for this amazing movie. Yes. She goes, but I read this part where they make a joke about me.

And she goes, I had two choices, which were to either be like, fuck them, whatever. Or she's like, or I just go in and read it anyway. And she said she went in and read for it, even though literally the joke is about her being a not desirable actress. Yeah. She goes in anyway. And she says, I go in West Craven. Everyone's at the table with their head down. They can tell they don't really want to look at me because this joke about me is in the script. Yeah. She's like, I read for it anyway. And she said, I got a call from Wes Slater saying, okay.

I just thank you for being good sport. And I don't know how, but I'm going to, I'm going to find something for you. And then the next movie she plays for a second. Incredible. So she's like, that was a good story of me being like, swallow your pride and just go for it. Who cares? Also to her credit in the movie adaptation of the play, the house of yes, with Parker Posey and some other dude, Tori Spelling is in it. She is fantastic. Turns the party, turns the party. She did look like Wendy Williams.

I'm curious about that. Giant boobs, skinny legs, top heavy. Long blonde hair. She has very full eyes. Okay. Did she mention somebody's face getting slashed outside of the gig? Do you see Wendy Williams? I see Wendy Williams. Oh, yes, I do. It's kind of hard to say it. Wendy Williams. That's a wig. It's a unit. It's a human hair unit. I really don't know. It's absolutely a wig. Absolutely a wig. I love that wig. The ends are fake. That's a wig, mama. You don't think that's grown out of my head? Look at the hairline. Do you have glaucoma?

Where does it grow out of the hairline? No, that's a wig. It's a unit. It's a human unit. That's Wendy. Yeah, she looks great. She does. She looks great. I love shit like that. Yeah, that's cool. I love stories like that. She's from a Hollywood dynasty. Tori Spelling, Aaron Spelling. Well, that's what she said. She said in the story, like,

I'm Aaron Spelling's daughter, so I can't have people think that I can't take a joke and I won't swallow my pride and go audition for shit. Yeah. Love it. How do you think I got this gig? It's all class. You have to swallow a lot of pride to be in here. A lot of gallons of pride. And smell a lot of shit. Yeah. Calm. Chugging calm. Chugging calm. What did you send me the other day that made my stomach turn? Something about sloppy buttholes. That doesn't sound like me. It did. It was. It was.

What? You sent me a picture that was like a meme or something. You never sent me the Eye of Sauron. Because I can't look at it again. Yeah, you can't. No, I will not. I'll have somebody. I'll have my friend send it to you. I'll have my assistant send you that. No, not my assistant. I would never say. I would never subject Eden to such. She's seen it before. Graphic imagery. No, no, no. It would scar her. Well, let's take a break. And we're back. And we're back.

Let's get back to beauty. No, what happened after the horror? What else have you done after the horror marathon? Okay. So I don't particularly love Scream. I love the experience. Mary, that experience, I loved it. I loved being in the little smoking area. I loved all the people there. It was magic. Of course, maybe I was there for about an hour and 10 minutes. That's usually my cue. Can't stay in one place too long. So I leave alone walking through the dark cemetery. Oh, God. Oh, God.

And it was so fucking scary. It was so, it was absolutely pitch dark. There were no lights anywhere. Walking through a long, probably a half a mile through the cemetery. And I was like,

killed please I was like begging I was like this would be there's no perfect time getting stabbed at the scream that's so fierce leaving scream early to go catch an Uber and getting stabbed in a cemetery mama I was hopefully right by these tattoo gravestones there's two of them that said tattoo the band tattoo yeah the tattoo two of them

So that was great. And then what else happened? I forget. Was the band Tattooed? Didn't they turn out to not be lesbians? Yeah, it was a gimmick. Were they the OG queerbaiters? They were queerbaiting. And one of them, it's either Yulio or the other one, turned out to be some like... Conservative? Yeah, gross. Just like gross. They canceled. We don't see them. That's too bad. I really like that record. They have some great tunes.

The 200 miles in the wrong lane is great, but they get some other great tunes too. And them singing in English. I mean, I feel totally lost. That accent is so good. I don't like the English stuff. I like that. Not gonna get us. Yes. But that one, do you know the one, the. Oh, I do know that. The haunting, haunting. Yeah. It's super haunting. It's great. They got a good dance remix if you're interested for your set.

Yes, I would. When you DJ my next birthday party. Let's give the people what they want.

Yeah, dance remixes of Tattoo's old music. Yes. You're playing Evita this weekend. Yes. Oh, I've been rehearsing with a friend of yours from back in Wisconsin. Nick Lemmer? Nick Lemmer. And this is actually, this is back to my previous point about beauty and pain. He had a back injury. So he's a dancer, professional dancer, right? With a back injury, like a serious one. And which prevented him from doing a lot of work and

And we were rehearsing. We rehearsed for probably two hours, a pretty, well, for me, very complicated number. For him, very simple. And girl, mama. What? Sweetie. What? It's hard. Dancing? Yes. It's hard. It is. It's hard. And we didn't do that much. I mean, I kind of wilded out a little bit. And I had been to the gym earlier that day. But the wear and tear...

On the body. The age. At 62 years of age right now. It's a lot. And I had talked to, before Violet's show. You're like Helen Mirren in Cats. No, I'm like Prince Andrew in the car. In the car. Prince Andrew in Stomp. Everything's fine. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, I was talking to an acrobat who was, he used to be an acrobat before Violet's show. It's just all injuries. It's just all injuries.

And he said that whenever it looks beautiful, you can guarantee that it feels like fucking shit. Like the ropes, the silks, the pole dancing. Pain. Always. Always pain.

- Always pain. - Then the real dancers make it look easy. Usually, 'cause I'm doing something, I've danced with Nick before, it's great. - He's so lovely. - He's so beautiful. - So beautiful. - It's obscene how beautiful he is. - He's 25 years old and he's so Gen Z and I'm so Gen whatever. - And he's from Appleton, Wisconsin, I think. - Oh yeah. - Like Green Bay or something. - Yeah. - I'm dancing, I'm doing something coming up, LaGange is choreographing it. - Oh, fabulous. - And I have three days of rehearsals and she said, "Well, do you want me to teach you "to the dancers beforehand "so that they come in knowing it?" And I said,

Mama. No, I want them to learn it with me because I'm going to feel so horrible if you all know it like I was going to say you do two days with her alone and then you bring the dancers in. But don't tell them. And I act like I'm picking up in real time. Like in Showgirls. Come on guys, pick it up. Gay shows you the phrase like literally one time. Okay, get in there. Like who the fuck does that? Yeah.

It's really, dancing's really tough, so I'm going to do a number by myself that's choreographed at Evita. And then we have, for Reverie coming up, we have two dancers. And then I think also we're doing a theatrical performance art kind of prelude. For what? My number. In Reverie? Yes. Oh, so you're doing your number and then something at the beginning. Something at the beginning that's not very funny, but not quite serious. Not necessarily beautiful, but...

But not ugly. I loved your number at the last reverie. I love Ding Dong, of course, but the one where the dancers were like this. Do you like my sax solo? And then they were dancing like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the sax, or the trumpet solo. Yes, I loved it. Yeah, trumpet solo was great. Yeah, it was fun. We're doing a different thing. It's going to be fun. I like actually doing rehearsing numbers because I've always been dragged. You're just winging it. Or at least. I know. With lip syncing anyways.

I know. I have a particular club appearance coming up and I'm truly doing like... You're there. You're the fucking guest star. Oh, yeah. Wait, this comes out after that. This is after that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the secret guest star to Vida. I imagine it was so funny if it was Ginger. Or like, or I mean, literally anybody else. Well, I have people at home don't know, but I have a contract. Oh, it's exclusivity. It's an LA radius clause. So I can't perform in LA advertised anywhere. Oh, I thought.

I can't perform in LA advertised anywhere. So every time I'm doing standup or DJing or something, I'm a surprise. It's a surprise. And it's, you know, that's still pay me whatever. But yeah, I'm doing a Vita with you. Cause I love Andres and he's always so nice to me when I go to Vita. So I was like, I want to like try to, you know what I mean? Like if I go on drag, will you continue to be so nice to me when I come to your parties? Yeah. You know, I know. Cause I never go to parties, but I'm scared about Evita cause I heard it's so crowded and so hot. It is.

The closest thing to a sexual assault without sex happening, it is this close people. It is this close people. This close. This is like Splash Bar, Panama City, Florida. Worse. I mean, listen, it's the reason why it's the hottest party in Los Angeles because everybody's trying to get in. There's lines around the block every time they throw that party. Now, hi there. Call me crazy.

I'm telling you, there is no if Sharon Stone gave birth to like, I don't know, to Bill Gates. And then that had I don't know. Imagine the most fantastical thing in the world that you could go see for five minutes. I wouldn't wait in line to see it. Yeah. You know what I mean? I wouldn't see like I would just a lot of people going to a party like a Vita. Part of why it's fun is because they know they're about to walk in somewhere that is ass to elbows like cramped. They like that.

People. The only way I can exist in those nightclub spaces is having the distance of being the entertainer. Yeah. I've never been able to do. That's the hidden gem of being a DJ. I know. You're literally in a Popemobile. You're actually in a pig pen that no one can reach. Yeah. Because VIP, at least you could get a friend to give you a bracelet and come up there. If you're in the DJ booth, no one can come up there. It's fabulous. Death to all of them. Yeah.

I'm scared. I just don't, I don't want, um, I do what I do when I do a Vita. I pretty much hang out outside or whatever until literally it's my number. Go in, do it. I don't see any other option. Cause when I'm going out of drag, I'll go for hours. Oh, sure. Sure. Yeah. In drag. There's a wig on. It's going to like, it's just, yeah, it's really tough. It's really tough. Um, I saw Monique Hart there like a week ago and she came in, did her number and left. And I was like, it's too hot. I get it.

It's too darn hot. When you have to push by people to get to the stage, it's hard. No. I like, I mean... You better get into it, Mike. I want like a little... I love a little... I love when places like those have little trap doors or little secret passageways, things like that. We had that at...

a club in Boston. You go through this little, the underground railroad, like to get through this little door. You've been there. Candy bar or? Oh yes, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, you go through literally like this, like you have to crouch and then boom, you're on stage, but you're not like wading through the crowd. You're not wading through the crowd. You have to wade through the VIP, which is always packed.

Hey, VIP. That's a very immense population. Not... It's VIP. It's vaguely irrelevant people. Yeah. Like, very improbable... Poo-poo. Pee-pee. No? I know. If I had a party, it would be like... I'm Julia Roberts' makeup artist. I'd be like, well, is she here? I guess you're going to have to go to the back, honey. Yeah. Also, yeah, I don't think any... Nothing about, like, there's...

I'm so salty about that VIP situation at Violet's show. I thought I was going to be on a balcony seat. I love that we come here to complain about the free tickets we get and the gigs we're booked at. Yeah. They had the nerve to book me and pay my ass at a gig. And then I had to stand at a show for free and cry because it was so beautiful.

I hate my life. I know. But there was a smoking patio. Oh, yeah, it was great. No, I'm not complaining. I'm not complaining. Let's be honest. No matter how nice a VIP is at a Vita, you're going to stand outside and smoke until the absolute song starts. Oh, no, no, no. Yeah, I'm the VIP at a nightclub does not interest me whatsoever unless there's opportunity for smoking. Like very important people are usually often able to break the rules. You know, like you hear about Grace Jones. Like nobody's going to tell Grace Jones she can't smoke a joint somewhere.

That you just do it, but I'm not that diva. But then people think that they're Grace Jones and that's where the trickle down happens. Well, right. But I'm, and I'm never in danger of that happening. So I'll just be in the alley by myself until the show starts. Thank you very much. Until literally you hear the first eight beats of the song. And I'm like, like Janine Garofalo in roaming. Yeah. Literally like, Oh, I think I got another eight count. Lady fair cigarettes. I get on stage and my, my first breath is smoke. Yeah. You know what I'm going to start doing? What? Cause I like to go out smoking with you, but I don't smoke. I'm going to get candy cigarettes.

And I'm going to sit out there and smoke a candy cigarette. Get the one that goes... A party? Like a party blower? Yeah, the party blower. And just you can do it like... You don't have to do it full blast every time, but right before the number you go... Incense. Incense on a stick. Incense on a cigarette holder. So long. Nag Champa. Do you have any Marlboros? No, I have Nag Champa. You have three Nag Champas taped together on the end of a cigarette holder. Bag Champa. Bye. Oh, that's it. Bye.

It's 47 minutes. Okay, bye. Bye. Bye, Thag.