Paul Blart: Mall Carp with Trixie and Katya
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Welcome to the pod, ladies and gentlemen. I know I've been kind of negative. Excuse you? But.

HIV negative. I did have a recent fun success. I got to do a photo shoot with Mike Ruiz, the photographer. Oh mama. That mother toilet was so backed up. That mother toilet was stopped. Someone tried to flush a jelly sandal on that mother toilet and it started shooting water. Pearls, all their jewelry fell into the mother toilet as they were blowing ass. I've been so sick and I can barely walk in heels right now. But I was like,

I think that the threat of death was on my mind. I said, I need these pictures to serve. Mom, it was Cantalena Servington giving shitty mother toilet. Call the plumber. Call the police. I know everyone hates me, but I will never show up to a photo shoot and not model my little pussy off. I will never not show up to a photo shoot and give you the arm, the leg, the body, the face, the angle. You give the Asian woman who does the 14,000 poses? Sure.

Yeah. Well, that's how fast it was because they had photo shoots before me booked and photo shoots after me booked. So I had to do four looks in a hurry. And you know how those photo shoot, these Hollywood photo shoots, but it's like cocaine, champagne, like every. And I'm done. It was like moving quickly. And of course the people before and after me were straight. So it's 47 racks of clothing, full teams. And full helplessness.

blind, blind. I said, what are these racks of clothing for you guys? Are you guys outfitting a musical at the Glendale community theater? Like it was racks of clothes. Hello, Dolly. And they're like, Oh, this one moderately famous male actor. I'm like, that's right. Moderate to low level straight fame is absolutely

All hands on deck. Call 911. We need to get this person. We need to fill in their brows for a photo shoot. We should call 12 people. Call 12 people because we need to airlift them out of their bed with 18 hands. And then they can't do anything. They don't do anything. They don't do anything. Well, Mike Ruiz was so nice and so beautiful. The pictures are cunty. He is so ridiculously in shape. Did you fuck him? His arm had... Did you suck his cock? You suck his cock. His arm looked like it was like...

Birch bark. A brown, like, cause he's like a tan kind of tan skin tone, like a tan rubber balloon wrapped over phone cords. Cause just body build. Oh, vascularity. Yes. I could trace. I could, if I was a Helen Keller. Yes. You could read his veins. The T I'd be like,

Mike, you know, I would know who he was. Mike, wow. You just gorged on sugary sweets and you haven't drank water in three days. Yes, but he really was so gorgeous. And the pictures were taken very quickly. And I was very pleased how they turned out. Mama, they looked, it was, it was, it was, um, photo book mag, uh, uh, uh, Cuntington park. No, after dark, trying to make a, trying to make a pun. It was Irving Plaza by way of Build-A-Bear is what was going on down there.

I don't know what I said. That's like, you can have chili or you can have chili with noodles. You know, I don't need a fact checker. I need a friend and a comedy partner. Okay. I don't need an adverse, another adversary in this, in this, this dog eat dog world. Thank you. You have been recently doing some photo shoots for some upcoming video, video shoots for upcoming content. Oh mama. Talk about serving mother toilet shit.

Just call me the plumber. Very unlike you to out of your own volition, go do some drag filming for no money by yourself. Mama, this is art. I started to be like, mama, this is art.

Mama, have you met my art? But I know what it takes to get you in drag on set where you only have to do 50% of the work. It's the power of art. So when I found out you were out shooting on your own, I said, it's the power of art. Does she owe Satan or something? Like, like does she have like a deal with the devil? No, YouTube's a, my mortgage needs to be paid and YouTube is a, you know, we gotta get YouTube down here to film this shit. We gotta get YouTube. I love YouTube. You should do more. I was just talking to David Silver the other day about reflections and total recalls.

You were so good on YouTube. I'm coming back, baby, with a vengeance. We got Bitch Fork, the Russian music criticism talking head thing where I just, I feel bad though because I might have to cut one or two of the episodes because the whole, you know how Pitchfork always winds back their ratings. They did it notoriously with Lana Del Rey.

They like, it's like when Glenn, it's like when you win a retroactive Oscar for a film that you should have won, but you did, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know what you're talking about. Do they really do this? Yeah, they do. They have been notorious for this. So like, um, say for example, I could be wrong and it doesn't matter if I am. It's just my point of view. It matters to me. It matters a lot to me. And I will be commenting if she's wrong. Yeah.

And I will be blocking and reporting your website. Everybody, because a lot of people watch this live when it comes out. They're watching now. You need to fact check this thing, you. Oh, that's wrong.

Sound off in the comments if she's being a big fucking flop liar cunt. I love your solo YouTube content. Well, so we did. So Bitch Fork was like the thesis was albums that I previously loved but then have grown to hate because so for example, like when I so, you know, with Russian language or any foreign language stuff, I'm obviously listening to the beat, the melody. I love the sounds of the words. I'm not necessarily super invested in the meaning because when I go to the trouble of translating them, they're often mama, baby.

garbage Tina. Like there's Laba has a song about Instagram. Okay. Insta drama. It's called, it's called Insta drama. It's so stupid. It's so bad. It sounds like a Disney kid song. It's like, but the, the, there's a remix by this Ukrainian artist called Maruva in the, it is so cunty, but if you don't, only if you don't understand Russian, because it's so stupid, but it's such a cunty fucking tune. Yeah.

So anyways, I, I went, um, I did her album called sold out. And by the way, she mopped Billie Eilish's bad guy. She completely mopped the melody, sped it up and is, it made, it made headlines in the Russian press. And so like, there's just things like that, you know, little fun facts and features. Um, so I kind of go ham on some albums and also just share ones that I love and whatever. It might not be great. Pitchfork is pretty, um, let's say unflinching.

So I think you should feel if you're doing bitchfork that you can be unflinching. Yeah, but they have been, they have been, they have walked back their reviews. They have like- Kind of renegotiated their- Yeah. Like, you know, it's, I think, I think they did it with Lana. Well, I read that article you sent me about Lana. Did you fucking- Finally read it. Did you fucking- I loved it. It was a great read. It was so fabulous. I'm paraphrasing, but something that I really got out of it was that many of Lana's early stages were self-indulgent or character driven or sort of unbiased.

a critique on an idea of Hollywood. Yeah. And they were kind of insisting that now is the time to really listen because they're like, now she's not pretending. This is just like really good artistry. Yeah. I mean, I love all...

all of her music. Me too. I mean, and I, I prefer the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the,

you know, for being complicated, for being not politically correct. Never. It's because they don't like her. And I don't think we ever, I think you're foolish to ever think that that character has willfully picked up the reins to, to speak on these things. No, she's critiquing things like,

fame and like money or whatever yeah gender roles gender um and sexism she's critiquing the you know whatever she's or she doesn't even be it need to be a critique she's just expressing some an idea yeah yeah totally and it's fierce and powers is cunty something that i've always thought that lana's music captured really well was if you've been in love really young it

it feels like the world was made for you and someone else and the world would end if you weren't together. Absolutely. And her music captures that, the like throw yourself off a bridge level. Overwrought tragic romance. And sort of like self-indulgent. Yeah. It's not really about the truth. It's about, I feel like if we didn't love, the world doesn't matter.

Yeah. That is what it feels like though when you're like 16 in love. You're like, you're almost puke. You're so excited. And that person glows. Yeah, really. They really do. And with Lana, I've always felt like if you love her music, you're going to love her music because she uses the same. It's a lot. It is a lot of formulaic stuff, especially in the early days and the same 12 words, crazy, ride, baby, a

American. Drive fast. Daddy. Daddy. And that's about it. She's got about 12 words in her vocab and it's kind of... Chaka Khan. RuPaul and RuPaul on their weakest link. Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan. I love that fucking clip. That is with her 90s pin straight and then the... Highlights her Vanessa Williams wigs with those thin little country glasses. Looking like Blue Cantrell. Like Blue Cantrell. Ladies hit him up style. Chaka Khan style. It's...

It's like a long pause and then she goes, Chaka Khan. It's so fierce. She's so confident. For a while it was hard for anybody to ask me anything and not make me say Chaka Khan back. On the Dune premiere of Red Carpet, I know you're going to do that. Oh yeah. What was it like working with Florence Pugh? Chaka Khan. Oh, entirely. Lana Del Rey, did you know there's a hell in Ocean Boulevard? Chaka Khan. Like right in the face. Fuck her right in the pussy. Love the fuck her right in the pussy guy.

Give him an Ambie. Purple heart. Oscar. He should be at the Dune premiere. Mama. If we ever have a movie premiere, we need to have him. I think we just need to do it. I'll just do it. I volunteer. Or you bring a date. Or we bring him. Oh yeah, you bring him as your date. You bring him up to the podium. You plan for him to interrupt and say, if I ever am accepting a major award, let's say I won an Emmy. You cry. In the middle, he runs up and checks me.

I hit the ground. I snapped my femur leg through the tights. And he has, and he has the hood up and he goes, fuck her right in the pussy. And they play music and play me off. Jennifer Coolidge steps over my body.

Annie Hathaway chomps on the leg, the broken leg. What do you hate more? Really rehearsed and overdone speeches? Or do you hate when they're just like, I'm a little drunk. This is crazy. Bye. It's funny you say that because I just watched several TikTok compilations of award acceptance speeches. And there's a country, you know, the classic one of Sally Field and way back in the day in the 80s. She's like, you like me? You really like me? And it cuts to John Malkovich going like,

It's like, it's, it's so kind. He's like, not me. It's like, it was so, it was so cringy because she was like that. I love her. I mean, she's such a fucking legend. Soap dish is like my everything. I love Fiona Applegate. Fiona Apple. Well, the gate, the Fiona Apple gate of it all. When she was like, I love this words. Great. Think for yourselves. Cause this world is bullshit. By the way, she was right.

She was right. Yeah. I mean, of course she's right. But there's a time, this is, there's a time and a place. I don't know. I think it's cunty to win your award and say, I kind of reject the idea that anybody's music is better. Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no. That's, yeah, when you're critiquing the structure, the power structure or the voting body or the whatever, absolutely. But when you're using it to like proselytize about like politics, I was like, mama, you are not Christiane Amanpour. You are not Diane Sawyer. And you're certainly not Rachel Maddow. It's so much worse when they thank God. No, I don't, because that's short. It's three letters. God, it's not like Manischewitz, Guberman, the second, you know what I mean? But they always do the rosary.

Always. Hail Mary, Mother God bless her. I'm always like, oh my God. In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

What would I do? What would you do if I accept a word, God willing, then I go up and I say, one day, Guru Nam, Chara Naravinde, Sandarshita, Swatma, Sukhava Bodhe, Nishreya Se, Jangalika Yamane, Samsara, Hala Hala, Moha Shandiye, Abahu, Purushakaram, Shankachakrasi, Dharidam, Sahasra, Shirasam, Shvetam, Pranamam, Patanjalim, Om, thank you. Ha ha ha.

Let's take a break. No, you know, no, we're not taking a break. You know, an X-Men when the traumatic experience gives them powers. Yeah. I think that's the moment where I would bend metal or something. It would be so breaking to my psyche that everyone around me would start throwing up blood or something. Like, I don't know. Jean gray, the Phoenix. Yeah. You would be no. I, so, and then the Merritt Weaver, like I gotta go by so cute, lovely, short and snappy. Yeah. Um, if, when you don't have something prepared, you,

And you ramble as if it is such a shock that you won.

You are blindsided. It's like, didn't you pay for that $150,000 Grammy campaign? Didn't you pay for it? Didn't you see the feature in Variety and Hollywood Reporter where you are indeed nominated? And didn't you get a dress handmade by Zach Posen and pose on the red carpet for your nomination? There's a chance you're going to win. Prepare something. Respect your art form and respect your colleagues. Completely. Like, it's so...

I find that so cringe more than like the, um, the, the, it's one thing to be humble. It's another thing to be like indignantly sort of like unprepared. Yes. Like it's, it's false modesty in a way. It's like, I just never thought there was a habit in me. I have nothing to say. Like, I mean, it's, you shouldn't go up there and be like, yeah, this makes a lot of sense. No, you should, I think slapping Chris Rock or whatever, all these real awards. I grabbed this.

All these actual awards. You know what? Of all these accolades, this is the one I'm most proud of. Sure. My planty. Yeah. I got the planty for my riveting work as a tree in the background of A Bow is Afraid. Of course, it was cut on the cutting room floor, but you know. They should have these for like the plant gays who post naked pictures. We got to do away with the, we got to do away with tongue out peace sign gays. Oh, wait, wait, wait.

What about those? Love her. No, I love her. Yeah, she's a cunt. Yeah, I cunt. But we got to do it with that. We got to do it with white walls, gold furnishings with plants. Got to do it with that. I can't do it. I'm not doing it right. It's like the... It's like, well, I shit myself. It's like, yeah, I thought I was going to fart. 40 loads of my ass. Yeah. Well, that was blood. Blood came out of my dick. Well, here we are. It was a blart. A blood fart. A blart. Paul Blart Mall Carp. Paul Blart Mall Carp.

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The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

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I gotta tell you something that happened to me. I was on a plane. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What is it? Sorry, go ahead. I was on a plane and it was a real life bonafide heterosexual flight attendant. That's like a yeti. That's like Miss Bigfoot. I do not believe it. And I've told a couple people about it because, you know, I think when a problem solved, a problem cut in half, a problem shared is a problem cut in half. Yep.

And I couldn't stop watching him because he was straight. I know. I know what a straight person looks like. All right. I've been, I've been bushwhacked. Dingleberry to ass. Yeah. I've sucked enough cock and like dorm room style rooms for adult men to know what a straight guy looks like. All right. And he was straight. Yeah. Where's like, Hey bro, you want some fucking gold chain and like a little mock turtleneck. And I was like, to be a straight guy and be a flight attendant is so almost, it's like, it's like faggy. No, I was just like,

Are you breaking down barriers? It's iconoclastic. For your people? Iconoclastic. And for my people? Kind of. Like, not every gay is a flight attendant and not every straight guy is not a flight attendant. Look at this. And also, not every... So I recently had sex with a flight attendant who was very gay. Very gay. Very gay. And...

I asked him, I was like, you know, I've never... Gay boys? Yeah. Yeah. So, girl, eight fucking... No, nine-inch weenie. Nine-inch weenie. And I, you know, I'm very skeptical. I'm very skeptical because when people say nine inches, I'm like, nine inches of what? You know what I mean? So, but I was a little appropriately cautious and a little bit afraid. Naked and afraid in my boudoir. Just like a light sheen of shoot and remora mist on my shoulders with my come hither negligee... Kerosene? No.

No, my shoe or more a misting spray and my champagne teddy with the spaghetti strap dangling over one very provocative shoulder looking back. And of course my whole backside was covered in shitty streaks. But I could not believe how inexperienced I am with taking things up my ass. I could not believe it. I can believe it because I just don't do it very often, but

You know, I got people taking shoulders. You know, they're taking John Deere tractors up there with Naria flinch. And they love it. Of course they love it. I mean, they're dying for it. But meanwhile, this took, I mean, we were, it was so fabulous. And we were doing it all, you know, like all night. It was like, you came over, spent the whole day Saturday drinking.

Oh, lovely man. So funny. So fabulous. And I asked him, I was like, I've never seen a woman pilot. My friend David says he's flown many planes with women pilots. And he's like, oh yeah, we got tons of women pilots. I was like, really? I don't think on Delta I've had a single female pilot. Have you? Well, I always see women. Oh.

So it sounds like you don't. Well, I see them when I'm fucking their titties. Well, you can always tell if it's a female pilot because she's crying all over the road. She's crying and bleeding. She's crying. She's, she's menstruating. She's all over the road. She's getting birth. She gets lost. The plane is going down cause she's on maternity leave. You know, like where's the pilot? Oh, she's at home breastfeeding. Yeah. She had a craving for pickles. We have to stop at Gelson's. Right. No, I do. Every time I see a female pilot, I, I hope this is okay. I always go,

Oh, work. Like I always go, a female pilot. Well, yeah. But is it more progressive for me to not notice and be like, that's normal. But I noticed that it's not typical. The same way I noticed it's not typical to have a straight flight attendant. Yes. I mean, like I've just, honestly, I cannot ever recall having ever been on a plane with a female pilot. Why do, you know, we make fun of flights a lot. Flight attendants do not have an easy job.

Oh, mama. The way people treat flight attendants is fucking psycho. I got the whole lowdown. I got the whole fucking lowdown, bitch. On a flight that he was on, somebody got a flight attendant and bashed somebody with a coffee pot because they were being so out of pocket. Of course, they got fired. But, you know. The flight attendant bashed the person? Mm-hmm. Oh, that's fine. Bonk, bonk, bonk. I thought the person hit them. Oh, no, no, no. The person was acting. I think the flight attendant should be allowed to like...

Oh yeah. Yeah. Grab them by the scruff of the neck and then throw them down the aisle. It's like cattle prod. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Um, you know, uh, line there, uh, uh, oxygen mask with iodine or cyanide, anything. Yeah. Like a DIY cattle prod, like a selfie stick hooked up to a car battery. Just that. I love that. Or like, oops, was your coffee too hot? Yeah. Oh,

Oh, sorry, pig. Oh, was it a little pissed flavor in that coffee? It was a little pissed flavor. Wasn't there? Oh, cause I pissed in it. The flight attendants, cause I always drink hot black tea on planes and the flight attendants have told me don't drink hot beverages on planes. The hot teapot doesn't get cleaned enough. That's what they've said. But then I am like near death. You're wilding out with Nick Cannon though. You're wilding out. Well, don't you think like, well, I told him my story about spritzing myself with perfume in the, in the bathroom. And he was like,

I would have kicked you off the plane. I would have... The Boeing Max. Yeah, I would have like... Shirt torn off the kid. Cross-check and all call. Pedo plane activate. Yeah, my clothes would have been ripped off. Everybody would have seen my gray, gross, naked body. I would have been humiliated and then plummeted to a violent death. He would have fucked you in front of everyone. Do you like the porn of really ugly men fucking hot guys? No. Because that's like a whole...

let's take a break. Cause I know. Cause that's like a whole thing. Well, you've seen my only fans. No, someone fucks that. That's like a whole thing is like straight hot guy having to bottom for like ugly old fat guy who makes them say things. It makes them say things like, what are you doing? And the guy's like, I'm getting fucked. He's in the guys like fucked by what he's like, it's a dick up my ass. He's like, and do you like it? He's like, I,

I like it. Like it's someone old, ugly, fat making them. Jake Cruz. Have you known, have you heard about Jake Cruz? I'll say it again. Jake Cruz? Jake Cruz. He did, he had a porn, like a Sean Cody type of porno website. Say it again. Jake Cruz. Jake Cruz. Jake Cruz. Spell it. It was Jake Cruz. And who would play her? Jake Cruz. Let's take a break. RuPaul. I think the pod's coming back. Did you see her announcement?

You're kidding. Honey. What's the tea? You want to talk about Ange Boner? Honey. Turgid. Rupaul said, she's like, subscribe now. It's a surprise coming to you this year. If What's the Tea comes back, I will be... Goon from part three. It will be like, you know what it'll be? Bloodshot Diva. Hellraiser. Hooks shooting out from the corners of the room into my skin. Like, ah. Oh, totally. Cans on every orifice. Just, I'm ready. I love it. You gotta come on there. Secret meanings.

The house of hidden meaning. The house that Jack built. Wait, so wait, wait, wait. So he was telling me also that a friend of his, another flight attendant at another airline, they were, sometimes they find themselves on like an empty flight for whatever reason. The pilots, you know, the two or three flight attendants go to somewhere and they fucked. Fucking on the empty plane. Mile high club, baby. Even another flight attendant. That I believe. Yeah. But then the pilots didn't know. It's not country. Yeah. Love it. Very. Love it.

But I don't know. I fucked a flight attendant once. In the airplane? He was really nice. In the airplane? No. Oh, okay. Because a lot of times flight attendants stay at the same hotel rooms as us. Oh, sure. I used to tell that. I think I told this story when I first did stand-up specials. I was staying in room like 404 and he was in 406. It was one of those rooms with adjoining doors. And I was like, it's fate. Love.

love it was like did you shining it did you take an axe and go no it was like what room are you in i was like you're kidding open the door and he was there i was like well i guess we're doing this i mean we're basically fucking already we're five feet from each other hello i wish you were finished like uh shelly duvall with a knife though like he had adult braces which i was fine with love i love adult braces i'm telling you you gotta get braces i think i'm gonna get him again

I'm going to get them again. I love not like not permanent ones, but like an, um, like a retainer that has the look of braces. Cause that mama, that queen of flips bitch, she got me right together. Honey, it's all about the queen of flips. I know you, I know you think you do acrobatics. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

She's down the stairs back. No, she's the, she's Reagan from the exorcist. She's spider walking. It's cunty. And she's a size 14. She's a bigger girl. And she also has a, I think Maya of Elan LaPage is who we're talking about. Lower center of gravity. I believe she's pretty short on drag or she appears to be short. There you go. That's yeah. That probably helps. But I just watched her do a handstand and walk on her hands and drag. I know. I saw it. That's what I'm talking about. It's fucking cunty. It's cunty. How hard is that to do out of drag?

I know I could bear Oh no Out of drag is not It's pretty easy I mean if you can do a handstand With some stability I could do it But in drag girl with wigs And heels too With the kids in the car Dead Remember the kids Good morning your kids are dead Mom dad sister brother wow Dad wow

Maya, I'm on the page. Okay. Okay. You should talk to her. You should be like, you're setting, you're setting yourself up for 10 years. She's going to be getting a place. I haven't poured marriage. She's Kennedy. Well, does Kennedy have any injuries? Um, I'm well, have you ever noticed the way that she walks? She makes, she makes you look like Naomi Campbell, but I think she walks like she's over it. I think it's more mental. Yeah. Kennedy walks like she's over it. This food nasty. Yeah, totally. This,

This food nasty. Well, yeah. I don't know what the status of her musculature is. But yeah, it's such a fucking tragedy because you do that one show-stopping number and then it's just like you can't not. I find myself in situations where like, okay, my hip is hurting. I'm not going to do anything. And of course, you feel yourself in the moment and then you just fucking rock it and you regret it. Well, the adrenaline kicks in. I just had to do solid pink discos all weekend and my knees were killing me.

But once I'm in several layers of compression tights, which does help with swelling. Hell yeah. And I had wraps on. I had wraps on under the tights. And then I had braces on over the tights. But then when I got there, my dress had a slit. I was like, I got to take this off. It looks so stupid. But then once you start to feel better, you're pushing it. And then the next day you're like, don't get fierce, Miss D. And you're not wearing heels, are you? I wear heels out there and then I switch into Crocs. Okay. Yeah.

because that's crazy. Any amount of heel right now is unmanageable. Any amount of heel anywhere? Like, I don't know how, I truly am baffled about people who walk out of the house for an evening out or like the day at work or whatever with four or five inch stiletto heels on with nearly a change of shoes in their, in their satchel. Luckily, I mean, this weekend we had solid pink disco in Portland Friday and we had a double solid pink disco, San Francisco on Sunday, two of them at the independent. Great turnout, great venue. You live, you live.

Lines around the block sold out every show. Everyone is in pink head to toe glitter blush lips. Faggotry. Malicious gay faggotry. Everyone is in wigs. Everyone is in, but everyone usually goes for like a pink sneaker, pink converse, a croc. Because if you're going to dance, you're going to hate yourself after 10 minutes. If you're in a pump. That's when I see these, when I see these faggots, especially the ones who are like hot during Halloween and they want to go out and dress in like platform heels. I'm like, honey,

Ain't nobody looking at your feet and you will live to regret it. And unless you're, you have the poise all night that they don't hurt, you're gonna look stupid.

Nobody has the poise. I mean, even Violet suffers at the end of the night. You know what I mean? And she loves pain. How about this? She loves it. The promoter, the first fucking flop, Bruno, I'm looking at you. He brought me to Brazil for like $100 a gig, 11 cities in two weeks. Love it. Bloop. And then... He bought a small farm making money off you. Do you know what the first thing he said to me? He's like, wow, I can't believe I got you so cheap. I was like, love it.

Love that. Love to hear it. Love that. Maybe got three to four hours of sleep max every night. It was so hard. It was so fucking hard. Anyways, this motherfucker shows up to one of the gigs in platform heels. I was like, you're the promoter, sweetie. You need to hustle. He was so drunk, shoes off, blister, bloody feet, four in the morning, coked out. And I'm like, you know what? This ain't going to work, mama. This ain't going to work on day two, day three, whatever.

it was so unbelievable well you know about this sometimes people would book us and it became very transparent you booked me to hang out you booked me to feel like you're with one of the girls

Yes, that is. And I closed the spiritual door to the realm very quickly. I go, no, I don't want to do that. No, I don't want to eat. I just want to go to my hotel room and you show up at 8. Call times at 9. You can meet me at my door at 8.55. Hell yeah. Boundaries. Absolutely. You don't have boundaries. No. You didn't book me for the girlfriend experience. Thank you. I'll show up and do my number, but then I'm leaving. Yeah. And if you want the girlfriend experience, you're going to have to pay an extra $1,500. Nobody wants that. Nobody wants that.

Me and drag, that's the stepdad experience. The gross dad experience. Bob came to visit me in San Francisco. Bob the Drag Queen. No, Lauren Bobert. Bobbert. No, it was Bob the Drag Queen. Bob Mackie. And she's out with Madonna. It was so crazy because I can't conceive of touring on that level. I can't either. Stadiums. And I said, how many shows a week do you do? She was like, well, you know, she said those big venues, it's like weekends mostly. So she's like, we'll do two show on, two show days, five days off.

A day on, four days off, then a day... I'm erect. Why aren't you? I know. I know. And I was like, wow, fierce. And there's a lot of downtime.

And then Bob was showing me his process in the show. Bob is either on stage performing or costume changing all night. Bob has multiple makeup changes. He gets in and out of drag. Oh, I know. Cause he starts, cause like a ballroom kind of thing. He starts in like the drag makeup and then does just a boy look. And then he's dressed as a this. And then he's either quick changing or on stage the whole time. That's stressful. Crazy. Thank God she starts two hours late every night. Bloop.

I didn't ask about that. I kind of forgot about that. Yeah. I, I, because I, if you know Madonna, like I've, I've, I've known about that for years ever since Boston. Like she just, she's always, that's always her tea. And it's like, you got to plan for that. You don't want to go see her show if you don't prepare to stay out until 1am. That's not our tea. We may start early. You might miss us. Honey. Curtain at eight. We might start singing and dancing by 745. I'm Wes from Pomona, like with a grudge. And I'm going to start your music before you're in the, in the club. You told me about that. You know what they used to do at Jacques Cabaret? What?

They would, Chris Torelli, oh my God, it's so funny. They would start it at 8.15 no matter if any of the showgirls were there. Love. Honestly, I have no issue with that because if it's a 10 p.m. showtime and it's 10.20 and you're not here, don't come. Literally don't come. I always, and I tell all the baby drag queens this, bring an extra number, extra look, extra song.

Because if the lineup starts, you're like, I have an extra number. You can make their $40. Hell yeah. Because fuck late drag queens. Fuck late drag queens. You would never believe. I know Fina and I have talked about this with you. Misery with a Z, the best drag name ever. She would show up. So, okay. The overture goes on at 1015. 1020 is the opening MC's bit. It's anywhere between 10 and 15 minutes. First number usually starts around 1035. She goes on. She's up first in the lineup. Okay.

She would waltz in unpainted at 10, 10. Live. Sometimes 10, 20. Live. And she's like, don't worry, I'll be ready. And her version of readiness, all due respect, love you, Miz, is... Would she get ready? Well, when you say ready, what I would describe as camera ready and show girl ready is not exactly this type of...

She would be ready by the end of her number, by the end of the show, third number, she might have a little, she would have fully painted. She would go like a brow. She would do a brow, a nude eye, a lash, a lip liner, foundation, which she would powder, throw a bus driver wig on and then be late for her two and a half, even after a two and a half minute, bum, bum, bum intro.

Come out late for her number. It was so cunty. So cunty. It was the stress factor. I was always at least one hour early. I mean, because even before I lived upstairs. But like I was... The stress of having to be rushed for like a gig like that or just to drag. It's just so...

It's so stressful. It's not enjoyable. I want to feel my pussy. I want to like relax, have a cigarette, like, and then just get all my shit together and then be ready. And, you know, I hate that. I don't like feeling late. No. Stress dreams. We talked about that. Like when you take a nap in the hotel, you're like. Trixie and Katya, Bald and Beautiful Live, which many of you are seeing and will see, we're backstage pretty much ready.

20 to curtain. We're waiting on the crowd. We're waiting on the crowd. We're waiting on the crowd. It's an 8 p.m. curtain. Often we're waiting at 8.15 for the crowd. Yeah. It's never, it's because people are buying merch. This is all wonderful problems to have. Great, great. Wonderful problems. Because a lot of times we're playing downtown and these are gay people, gay people driving. They've hit three women.

You know, like they've stolen a car. Yeah. The car ran out of gas. Did you, on the set of Netflix the other day, did you see the car? I heard it. I thought it was a sound effect. It was so crazy. Tell them. Cause I don't think it made the episode. Oh, it was, no, it was, it was outside. And we, me and the couple of PAs and the, the grips who, Oh, I got some tea on euphoria. I can tell you about this fucking white SDV.

is like screeching out, peeling out. And well, first a van pulled up and asked if they wanted to buy something that fell off a truck, some sound equipment. I was like, work. And then they left. And then this other, this car scream, screeching, hit four cars,

um, on its way, like careening. It was almost like they were like, like a child was in it. Couldn't reach the gas or pedal. You know what I mean? It was so out of control. You watched it. Yes. It was a long screech. It screeched for like 30 seconds. 30 seconds. And it hit four cars apparently. Yeah. And so we thought it was a stolen car. I thought I, I was like, my initial reaction was, Oh, this was the, the truck that, that shit fell off of, you know what I mean? They were chasing after them. Sometimes it pays to be a smoker.

Oh, hell yeah. You saw all that cool shit because you were smoking. And I was like in my room eating vitamins and water. And I got nothing. Yeah. I also learned about, I got the whole tea on the cast of Euphoria because some of our grips worked for both seasons. What's the tea? Oh, and on Missy Elliott.

And on Mariah Carey. Let's go. Girl, get into this. Euphoria first. Okay, so euphoria. Zendaya, absolute sweetheart. They said the crafty at that motherfucking place was off the chain. The food options were just so wonderful. And that's how you know you're going to have a happy crew.

You know what I mean? Because I talked to Trace Lissette about being on the set of Monica, an independent movie. And she's like, you know, girl, there's no budget. It's labor of love. And it's like, those films are really tough to make, especially in this world where there's so much money. I just did that scripted show for FX, but I had a guest star and I got to play a real creature. When I read the part, I thought, why didn't they get her? Who? You. Oh, am I too close to home? I wouldn't even have to act. I was like, okay. But then when I was there, I was like, no, I get where they got me. So, um...

But the food was amazing. Whatever kind of snack you wanted. Oh yeah. Morning, like 12 different types of donuts. I was like, what?

The food was amazing. The lunch. Mama, I was that. No shade to Grindr. But Mama, they're crafty. Old maidens. First of all, it was the- What's the Grindr crafty? Amodium? Hello. Pure for men. Hello. No, everybody was lovely. Everybody was lovely. It was all corporate errand type of people. Very, very closing the loop, circling back. But super sweet. Wonderful. 1,400 people in this-

tired, nasty office with no air circulation, stale, horrible, whatever. But mama, I'm going, I'm going in between long days, two hours interview. Um, one after the other three in a row all day. Three a day. Oh yeah. Three a day, three interviews a day, two hours each. And all, I mean, it was, it was like hard work. Like I was like, I'm having myself in the back. Cause being Katie Kirk is not no easy feat. It's really not. And so not for you. Language barrier. Yeah. You know,

For you to Google Translate in real time, you know. Wait, wait, wait. So I go to the snack bar. It's like, girl, like fruit snacks in a bag, like little mini skinny pops. Am I a fruit snack fan? Girl, and then Gatorade and then like. Girls, what is this, a high school football game? And then, of course, the lunch is like you order lunch. I want catering, mama. I want stations. I want buffet style.

Girl. Buffet. Lately at Netflix, I've been getting the catered lunch because I'm like, this is good. It was cunty. This is really good. And they had a lattes with our faces on them, bitch. Mama, they snapped, they snapped, they snapped all of our dicks off that day. They snapped my dick off and rubbed my face in it. Yeah. They snapped it and, um, they used it as a, as one of those things, you know, how you rock climb with this, the, the,

I do know some people who when they shoot podcasts they shoot like three days in a row guests all day and then they'll have podcasts banked for days I couldn't do that Drew O'Fellow does that I think I love her by the way but you and I doing this we do about once every two weeks we do two each day

I can't do more than that. If you and I were to come in here and do, well, what the fuck would we talk about? You know what I mean? Also, it's not like mama, we have like other jobs together too. You know what I mean? So, Oh yeah, we do. Oh yeah, we do. And they're about 12 hours a day. Each bitch. I know girl, don't even get me started. But so,

So the euphoria. I was such a cunt the other day on set for something. I sat down. What'd you say? I sat down for something and I waited for two hours to start. I sat down. I was in a steel bone corset. Oh, that's right. And I'm steel bone. I looked incredible, obviously. And I'm waiting, waiting, waiting. And two hours go by and I finally go on set with the body mic on and they go, oh, it looks like the hair is wilting a little bit on the side. I go, yeah, I didn't plan on wearing it for two hours. Love.

Cause I don't care. Love, love, love. Like I'm, I'm not Bob, Bob regular in sweatpants. Yeah. You got me in a chicken suit sitting twiddling my thumbs for two hours. You get what you get, honey. It looks like a milk to candle. That's how you boo. Well, you know what the thing about Eddie Murphy, he, uh, so in 10 D way Newton, who is his co-star on one of those Norbit clump movies, one of those stupid ones, she's incredible actor. It was the, the interview was asking her, you know, what was it like working with Eddie Murphy? It's like, well, I didn't really have any scenes with them.

Because every single time that he did not have to be there, he could use a double. He did. So she was acting alongside pretty much a double the whole time. He was rarely on set. Isn't that crazy? I got a double for something on this project because the character drives a car and guess who doesn't have a valid license anymore? Oh, that's right. So they got a bald double, my height, and my character had like a baseball cap and a hood because somebody else had to drive away. So I had to do the scene where I walk away and I'm like,

I have my car keys and I walked by the car and I hand them to someone who's dressed just like me. And then I stand out of the way while the car drives away. Love that. And the other actor had to act like that was me. And the actor was like, yeah, I've been in this. I've been in this. He does a lot of body work and he had very high cheekbones. So he's like, I do a lot of monster work, a lot of horror films I've done.

Real, real resume. Real, real actor. I don't know what you call it when you're like Shape of Water where you do a lot of monster acting. It's a real profession where you do a lot of movement work. Sure, sure. And I'm like, and today you just have to drive a car for me. Fierce. Sorry. No, it's probably just like not exciting. Like easy day. It's like field day at the office. Well, then they had a stand-in.

You better believe every time they get a stand in for me, he is white bald and about 66 years old. Every time. Demoralizing. Every time. And I'm in full drag sometimes. So they have him stand in for me. And then I come in and drag with the titty plate on. And I was like, you're dismissed, Uncle Paul. And then I step back to the home. They're looking for you. But sometimes they'll get a stand in for me for lighting. They get him for lighting so that the artist can be getting ready while someone lights you. Yeah. And they'll put them in like a $10 blonde wig. And it's like some straight guy in like a $10 blonde wig. And he's my height. Love.

And then they'll put them in capizio tights too so that they know what the legs look like. And the person's in capizio tights with a shitty $10 Dolly Parton wig. And then they'll tuck them. They'll tape his dick. I tuck them. I tuck them. So that way I tuck it back and that way when I'm kneeled behind them, they can piss and I can drink from behind.

The spigot of truth. The backyard spigot. The backyard spigot, honey. What else you got? Get the spigot off the TV. I'm not watching that. So, oh yeah. So Euphoria, Jacob Elordi, sweetheart, very shy, very quiet. And then get this. Why have him in a cock cage? It was a little tense on season two, I believe because-

Is he from Euphoria? Yeah. Jacob Elordi? I've never seen it. Okay. He's the hunk. He's from Saltburn, the hunk, the Australian hunk. He's supposed to be in high school? Ain't he like 6'8"? Mama, that whole, that was 90210 vibes, but 35-year-olds were in high school. Yeah. Like jerking each other off in the theater, doing drugs instead of French, you know, all that stuff. And he was dating, had been dating Zendaya, and then Tom Holland showed up on,

on like to set sometimes her new boyfriend and there was some tension there. It's like interesting, like set tension. But then she said the crafty was off the chain. I asked her about Sydney Sweeney. I was like the one with the big boobs and I don't- My real body double. Well, that's what I was, yeah. Or Amanda Seyfried. She's usually mine. Right. Yeah. And then she said Missy Elliott. I was like, who else? Who have you worked with who's been like so insufferable? She's like, well, JLo. No. No.

She said the eye contact rule is absolutely in effect. Don't look at her. I don't like that. What about this though? Look at me if you want. Who cares? What about this though? Because I got also at the Grindr gig, the grips were amazing. They gave me a lot of insider tea about other like, you know, big stars like Selena Gomez and such. But Missy Elliott is apparently so...

She was so self-conscious and so kind of like reserved and really anxious that they kind of had to build like a sort of a tunnel under Ocean Boulevard to get her from her trailer to the set. Love. Yeah. It's kind of fierce. She's Missy. Give her what she wants. Fly her in. Put on the helicopter. Fly her in. Love. Yeah. Sex is so good. She says, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. I mean, the no eye contact thing is weird.

Even JLo's hair and makeup people, they don't want to look at her. So they're just sort of like, looks good. And also like the, I mean, the hassle of traveling with a 25 to 30 person entourage who all has to get COVID tested the night before. It's just so, it's so out of pocket. I love shit like that. People have their whole apartments built.

Where I carried the bed. Bob told me, you know, you and I, our tour was two tour buses and a semi, which I thought was like, I thought that was insane. I thought it was the whiz on tour. I thought we were doing too much. I thought it was insane. Bob said it's 65 vehicles for Madonna, 65 vehicles. And she flies private ever with her children and the rest of them. It's Bob says it's like hundreds of people. Well, because it's the 45 Portuguese villagers that she has in her for like 10 minutes in a backup. It's like, well, you remember Bales, our tour manager, he's out with pink.

He was like, I'm on, he's, I think I paraphrasing, but he was like, I'm on crew C, which means there's entire groups of dozens of people. I have never been on this tour and never will. We all work here and don't even see each other. So wild. Imagine, imagine feeding all these people. Somebody's job is to feed hundreds of people a night.

It better be good. Shit. Boston Market. Room tap Boston Market. Oh, say you can malign that shit all you want. I would fuck that shit up. Boston Market? Hell yeah. Room tap Boston Market is better than a lot of other hot foods. Mama, that chicken, those mashed potatoes. The mashed potatoes. Those fucking apples, the cinnamon apple in the...

I was at the airport the other day and I wanted an apple fritter because my appetites don't want back. Apple fritter, she bites. So sometimes I'm like, I need to have my absolute dream food in order to drum up any feeling of wanting to eat. And you and I love apple fritters. I love. We love. Love. So I wanted one and I went and got it and there was doughnut. There was dough. There was glaze. Yes.

It didn't have that sour, that appley bite, which is like, what are we doing here? What are we doing? It looks like an apple fritter. Man on the moon. This needs to taste different than a real donut. Apple fritters need to taste...

It's like a pastry almost. Yeah. Girl, I made some apple turnovers in my oven the other day. You made these? Well, no, I baked them. I didn't bake them from scratch. They were frozen. Did you go off? Oh, mama. It took every ounce of my physical capability not to just jump on the counter table and then deep dick them with all my whole balls of dick and pussy. Like a flashlight. Honey. I wanted to put them, stack them, stack them, tape them together and just...

bonk bonk bonk beat it up wait there's one last thing I wanted to mention to you so badly fuck tell me it was about getting fucked by the 8 inch dick

Oh, it was the perfect dick for me because, well, I love the idea of a big dick. I mean, who doesn't? You know, and I also love small dicks, whatever. But being an ass man, I got to bottom and the stress, of course, the stress is like I'm stressed out like to the max. It's the stress factor of cleaning out. Of course, I had to take another shower because I'm just so paranoid. And then I got to really like, I got to really go crazy.

Like I got to be my full sweet pussy Pauline fantasy. Like this motherfucker. Did you like the big dick?

Did you like getting bucked? I loved sucking it and like slapping it on my face and going, yeah. And then, but because it was a very large, large one, it didn't get so fucking hard that it was like a battering ram. Yeah. And it felt fabulous. Well, sometimes the little ones get so hard that you're like, this is crazy. It's like, eh, eh, eh. Like the, um, the round table, like little, little, little, little switchblade knife. Very switchblade dick. Yeah. Very that.

Letter opener. Yeah, I don't like that. I hate that. Although when I'm getting my dick sucked, if anybody ever does the slap on the tongue thing. Oh, you hate that. What do you think? It's like amateur hour. Who is this for? It doesn't feel good. You look dumb. How dare you? It's stupid. And it's always something people see in porn. Like I'm going to do that porn thing. No, you're not.

Don't do all that, bitch. I also did. If it's not in your throat, you have tears coming down your face, stop. Oh, my God. What are we doing? My pilgrim pearls are being clutched. I'm going to suck it. I'm going to put a small comfortable amount in and I'm just like pose a lot. I'm not looking for you to pose a lot. Make it feel good, bitch. Listen, when I started to do this and this didn't work. Sure.

What about spitting on it? Do you like to spit on the dick? I do. I love super nasty. Do you like to spit on the hole? I love super nasty, wet, like sloppy. Yeah. No, I puke. Especially if I have a chicken masala. Cause that room stinks up so good. So good. I'll have like a COVID lung tar. I'll take a little blood in it and just regurge. The regurge. We watched. Give birth and jerk off with the placenta. Mama. Well, would you ever eat the placenta?

Oh, yes. After watching, um, uh, Yuri Masbella's, um, uh, Kardashian placenta parody video. Absolutely. Do people eat the foreskin? Excuse me? You know, they eat the placenta for like ritual or health. Do people eat foreskins? I don't know. Check. You have to check with those Orthodox rabbis biting the skin off and sucking the blood out. Boop. I think we got to go. I don't think it's okay, but with religious stuff, nothing surprises me. Mama, here's the thing. I, I, you know, I,

I am so plucked and I continue to stay plucked about being circumcised because I don't want my whole place covered in lube. Do you think I'm proud of myself when I give you my phone and it's so slippery wet from lube? You know what I mean? Do you think that I'm proud of my nephew when he tumbles down the stairs and breaks his neck because of the lube patch on the stairs? Right. Do you think I'm proud of that? Standing over the body at the funeral knowing that it's gun oils fault? Yeah, and then me doing the eulogy and then blaming big...

big lube for it. And then you have those big, thick black fisting gloves on. Yeah. And I said, I just can't. What about the fisting lube? That's like super thick, like maple syrup. That's J lube. Yeah. It's fierce. J lube. It's like, it's slime. And just like J-Lo, J lube, you can't look people in the eye. You look them in the brown eye. You look them in the brown eye. Okay, bitch.

Okay, bitch. You stupid bitch. Okay, you stupid bitch. Whatever happened to fun? Fall out the window. New York is over. I'm so bored I could just die. Love. What an exit. So fierce love.

Girl, can I just say one more thing? Yeah. You know, you and I watched, I think it's probably implied that you and I watched Love is Blind season six at Netflix. Of course I went home and watched the full thing because I have to. Well, it's only half season right now. They really sit in halves. Mama, living, sliving, loving. Straight people. Crazy. Expect the unexpected. Anything is possible. These way, these men and men and women are so different. Mars and Venus. The way they are able to relate to each other without seeing each other.

Knowing how the male brain works and knowing how much visuals and how someone looks is part of the process.

The way they keep every season calling it an experiment because they're trying to find out is love blind when it almost never works. The way they keep calling it an experiment. Like we have five seasons and knowing this shit doesn't work. It's crazy. Our hit and runs unethical. Right. Sometimes it's one couple who makes it. Yeah. Maybe two. Because, you know, they're generally quite attractive people. Yes. And not exactly like I would venture to guess No Shade on the simpler side. And the men this season?

The men this season sitting on the couch with their legs up in short shorts with just like gunt and thick legs. The guy with the mullet? Trevor? Oh, Trevor? The Trevor Project is when he murders me with his fucking cock? Girl. The men this season are hot. Even the derpy dumpy ones. I know that they're ugly, but sometimes ugly guys are hot. Yeah, Dennis of Derpistan, he can get it. He can get the D as fire. Do you know what I'm saying? Sometimes guys who aren't hot are hot.

Mama. Yes. I, of course I know that. Sometimes I'm like, damn, he looks fish out as hell. We'll fuck him. Okay. I gotta go. I gotta go. Love is blind season six. We're not sponsored. It's, it's fierce. It's fierce. Hey, listen, have a happy Christmas.

Bye.