No Loads Refused: Live in Richmond, VA with Trixie and Katya
01:31:00 Share

Oh my god, Richmond, we finally fucking made it here.

It's been 84 years. We could not, what would you have actually, yeah, sit down. Get back in here. He was in the parking lot. He was like, they're not going to show. They're not even going to come. I get it. What would you guys have done? I've been sick, as you know, if you listen to the pod. And I was really sick last week. And David was like, just cancel. I said, you don't understand. The people of Richmond are going to pull out my uterus. Yep.

World War III. That pussy don't show up, it's a wrap. Should we just sit? Oh, shit. Now, this is nice. This is nice furniture. This is nice furniture. Yes.

Yes. Other cities, they've had us on fucking lawn chairs and folding tables, okay? Like, this is not bad. This is not bad. This is a step up because we... That last set of furniture was definitely at odds with our girlish, fragile, young, sophisticated figures. Yeah. This is a little more dignified, but... Not by much. I could...

But the last time it was a little, like I could just fall over at any moment. Oh, there is no armrest. It's for gay people. It's just... Oh yeah, it's by the way. Wow. You'd never believe, but he did it this time. Girl. You know what David had me fucking watching last night? That new Lindsay Lohan Irish movie.

The what? It's exactly what you fucking think it is. What, Leprechaun 4? I know. Do you know what it's like for me to come home from my long day at Netflix and sit down and David puts on a Lindsay Lohan romantic comedy? Like, I don't get this at work. Now, what? In the movie, she, like, makes a wish, and her wish comes true, and this guy wants to marry her, but then after that, she meets someone else and falls in love with him. Because, girl...

I don't know what fucking stay-at-home millennial cunt is watching these Lindsay Lohan movies. I'm happy for you. I know that you're trying to suckle on the fate and just say, you're like, is it Mean Girls? No. Is it Mean Girls? What about, what was that one? What was that one? What was that one? What was that one?

Oh, where she's the skiing one? Where she loses her... The amnesia one. Yeah. If Lindsay Lohan is not bundled, and I'm talking like 16 full packs of like long, I mean like 48 inch red hair and suffering from amnesia on a ski slope...

I'm not interested. What the fuck was that? Was that called like, what was that called? It was called, it was literally called like skiing into amnesia. I'm not kidding. It was like, because this movie was called like Irish Wish. I'm not kidding. Which sounds like, I don't know, a shot at a bar or something. Oh yeah. Well, you know what a New Jersey turnpike is.

Oh my God, you don't? Are you serious? What happens? Oh, this is so gross. So a New Jersey Turnpike is when it's a shot, but it's a shot at the bar at the end of the night when the bartender wrings out the bar rag into a shot glass. That's a New Jersey Turnpike. Sure. Like you wouldn't drink it. Like you wouldn't drink it. I heard that we got here, the driver told me there was a convention here last week, a nerd convention. No, no. Well...

Looks like it's here again this week, honey. I thought it was just the hot pussy convention. The big... Which brings me to our first topic. Wait, wait, back to Lindsay. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Yeah, yeah, sure. Irish wish. So she's Irish in this movie? And she wishes. She's Irish and she wishes.

She's Irish, and of course she has like, I'm not kidding, 75 inch like T.S. Madison red bundles to the knees. Yes, the trailer for her wig or her hair is like bigger than the trailer for her body. That's what's so great about that. And so who is the antagonist in this film?

Fate, life, you know. Gravity. Because she goes to Ireland and she's Irish, so they have her in like fucking like Patio Mally, like fucking tartan, like bundled up white girl bullshit. And it's sorry, white girl, you know. Yeah, Becky. Drag Race is Spears. You know. And they're bundled up and then...

I don't know what happens. She makes a wish and then they grant the wish, but then she's conflicted about it. And the thing about Lindsay is we know and we've supported her through the years. The thing about her is every time she comes on camera, my God, is she still beautiful. Oh, hell yeah. But when people say it, they say it like she looks great.

Despite everything. You know what I mean? Yes. Yes. And I'm like, look at that bitch. She looks great despite... No, she looks just great. Against all odds. She just looked great. That's like when they say, she was there. It's like about me, you know? It's like against all odds. What you do is brave. Brave. The courage. So brave. What would your autobiography be if you were a film star? The House of Hidden Meaning. Ha ha!

You know David Silver already listened to it 100%. Listen to the RuPaul audiobook. The house of hidden meanings. Now do we have eyes on these meanings? Do we have, have, do we, have we ascertained what the real meaning of these meanings are and where are they hidden? Are they hidden in her tucking panty by chance?

It sounds like the hidden menu at Starbucks. You know what I mean? It sounds like a bouncy castle behind a Chuck E. Cheese or something. Yeah, or like the Room of Requirement. It's giving very like Harry Potter tea. Yeah, yeah. The House of Hidden Meanings. Oh, God. Mama, what is the Hidden Meaning? I haven't found it. I haven't read it yet, but I'm gonna. Mary, she was New York Times' number one bestseller. Give it up for RuPaul. Come on. Ruth Paul. Come on, people. Come on.

We have RuPaul, people. She's here tonight. She's not here tonight. Could you imagine? No, we would, it's like in Harry Potter, the Dementor chill would come through the, like, do you smell something? Yeah. You think this is air conditioning? If RuPaul was here, y'all would have fucking icicles hanging from your nose. Mama.

It would be Jack and what's her name? Rose. Yes, Jack and Rose. It would be Jacks and Rose everywhere else. Oh, mama, when that... They don't know. They know. I mean, we've talked about it ad nauseum, but that temperature gun? That temperature gun? Yeah. That temperature gun? That's the only gun. That's the NRA for me, is temperature guns. Drag queens with temperature guns. I'm like, we should have a rot to bare arms. You know what I mean? This, you know, Richmond, you guys have guns here? No.

Oh, yeah. Oh, crap. She's like... My favorite thing is the guns and try and take them. Love. Oh, I love that. I mean, Mary, I'm a secret red stater. I'm a secret red stater. I'm old country buffet. I'm like, I got chewing tobacco on the airplane. I'm doing like corncob pipes. I got like overalls in the hotel. I am... You do have a corncob pipe. If only it was just a corncob pipe, bitch. Are you kidding me?

We would have been in Richmond. No, but we are here. You think, by the way, it took us three chances to get here. You think RuPaul would come on the first try? Are you kidding me? You wait six to eight years like an oriental rug for that to show up. Hello, mama. I need a gun. I need a gun. I need a gun. I want to get a gun. I want to get a big, ooh. Ooh. I want to get one of the, well, I can have three guns. Well, I just got married. Thank you so much for congratulating me.

It's still being sized, so it's not on the other hand. Plus, he's from France, so it's a little bit different. Right. But I'm going to get one of those holster garter guns, like the little teeny weenies. Uh-huh. But that also is like, the bottom will open up and it has breath mints in it. Oh! Yeah. And then I'm going to get one, you know, like from the James Bond movies where it comes out of your bra? Sure. So you can...

And then I'm just gonna get a big old bazooka. Like, you know- - Do you think that Austin Powers is a James Bond movie? It kind of is. It's the gay James Bond movie. - I suppose you're right. - Wait, it's not? Oh. Wait, wait, wait. - Exactly. - Octopussy.

Octopussy. No, that is James Bond. I know. That's weirder than... But does that mean you have eight pussies or your pussy has tentacles? These are the questions that I hope are answered in the House of Hidden Meanings audiobook. Chapter one, octopussy. Was that film... Like, did that...

like, was that the, like, sort of the announcement of the Octomom? Was that like a harbinger of things to come? Like, what does, I mean, I know we have Google, but I still love to wonder and then not know. Like, Octopussy. Octopussy. Isn't that fucking crazy? Maybe there's eight of them or maybe an Octop, well, don't, I don't know. Don't octopuses have beaks? Does your pussy have a beak? Mama, this pussy is fully beaked. Fully beaked. Fully beaked. Fully beaked tonight, honey. Beak it up. You know,

Can we be vulnerable and talk about the rich flight experience that we had? I don't know if that's vulnerable, but yes, absolutely we can. Well, when you talk about... I feel like when we talk about a rich thing happening, I know that some of you had a tendency to disconnect, but I just want you to know that I think that this is as crazy as you fucking will. Yes. We got this thing where they pick you up at your house and take you to a secret lounge at the airport that's not the airport, and then at the last second...

They take you through a private TSA and drive you to the side of the plane. Yeah. And then you climb in. But there's a detail that she's leaving out, which I find particularly pertinent to the interest of our audience. Well, you did not experience this, but when they picked me up,

I was nude. And that driver picked me up like a six pack. He had three... And he... More fingers, the octopussy. Yes.

- Two hands. - Like a claw machine, you know those claw machines? - Right. - He picked me up and he flung me at least 35 feet into that limousine, which thank God the top was open 'cause I just slid right through. - Right. - And of course there was a red dress just like pretty woman waiting for me and I put it on and we had a whole thing. We fucked for like 13 hours before we got to the airport. - I love that. - Yeah, for just, it was like $10,000 extra is the deal.

I don't want to say where we're staying, but I heard that our hotel has a fancy staircase. Mama. Mama. Do you guys know about that? Mama. The staircase from your favorite Civil War film? Yes. Let's just say I will be tumbling down that staircase this evening in my finest come-hither Confederate gown.

Try and take them. Try and take them. They're like, yeah, you're fine. Yeah. That's when I whip out my 13 and a half inch dick. I go, try and take it. They're like, we're fine. We're good. No, thank you. Why is my like Southern accent? You know what it is? It's thousand pound sisters. Try being my size, Amy. You don't know.

Love those bitches. I lost 300 pounds. But ma'am, you gained 300 pounds. No, I lost it. That is so wild to me. 1,000 pound sisters. Well, they're not each 1,000. They're like six and one half dozen the other. Oh, that makes a lot more sense. And together, they're more powerful. Well, like the octopussy. That's like eight pussies that all add up to one big chunk of...

A big powerful pussy. Huge powerful pussy. Oh, you know what? It occurred to me earlier. What if that Cardi B song was like my pussy tight like the nun? You know, like the nun from the Conjuring universe? Because that woman's pussy is probably pretty tight. Because she mostly does anal. Anal.

That nun shows up and you think she's about to kill you and then she licks her two gray fingers and starts finger banging her. And she's one of those people who says, I know my body. And so she pulls out her fingers and it's just fucking turds. I love those faggots. I know my body. Really, pudding cup? Really? You don't know shit while you do know shit. You don't know, Amy. You don't know.

I'm sorry. No, no, no. Don't apologize. Don't you dare apologize. You are continuing a line of inquiry that is so important and near and dear to my heart, which is we need to really drastically pivot from violence to sex. And we need to do it. We need to start in the horror arena. And it starts with the home. It starts at home. It starts at home. It all starts at home. Long bundled tracks, Irish wishes, everything like that starts at home.

And it really needs to pivot. We need to, all this gratuitous violence needs to just, just,

Just, you know, it needs to transition very gracefully and seamlessly into gratuitous, sexual, explicit content. And not behind a paywall. No. Well, it depends on how you define violence. Because, like, I don't know, a World War Z or, like, an End of the World movie, we're talking millions of deaths. But, like, Scream 1, I looked it up today, eight deaths. That's it. Eight. I think that's reasonable. Yeah.

Yes, but where, okay, so here's the, like, the French kind of have, they're right at the crossroads, okay? The French people are at the crossroads because I watched, years and years ago, I watched a movie that starts with a,

Sure.

Because when he's done, just pops it right out the window. Right. I kind of get it. Have you ever tried to clean a flashlight? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It is like yoga. It's so weird. You stretch it over your head. You're like, you know. It's so weird. It is so weird. You know, for— I pick up one end of the pocket pussy and I blow like a trumpet and the jizz just shoots. You know. I do, unfortunately. Try being my size, Amy. Try being my size.

Is this what you guys waited months for? Months. Months. Mary, I answered, well... If we would have canceled tonight, do you know we could have never shown our face in the great state of Richmond ever again? No, it'd have to be, yeah. Where in the world is Carmen Trandiego? That's what we'd have to do. We'd have to take our AR-15s and we'd have to book it to Buenos Aires or some shit. But wait, wait. I almost answered the door for a package yesterday.

whilst having a, I suppose you would call it a flesh slate. Okay. But it's not like, it's one of those sleeves. Sure. Just like a clear silicone sleeve that you kind of like put on your penis. And it's not flesh colored? No, no, it's just clear. Yeah. It's totally clear. And I like, I was in the bathroom just, you know, thinking about stuff and like I had it on and then there was like ding dong and I thought,

Okay. And so I go, I just put it in. I had my little panties on, of course. And so I stuffed it in there and then I went to the door and I looked down and it was, it was just a little, it was a little too prominent. A little too rich. A little too sweet. Yeah. And I, cause I was, I am obsessed with it. Well, are you a tucked down person or are you under the, under the waistband person?

Oh, no. As you know, you take your clit and you pull it or you stretch it around and tie your hair up with it, you know? No, it was through the hole. Right. Through the hole. Oh. Yeah, like I've cut holes in all my underpants so it could just come right through. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know why sex toys are flesh colored in general. I watch a lot of solo porn. Victimless crime. Victimless crime. Yeah. And there's a, there's a, there's, there's what I would say too much. I can't believe we haven't talked about this. I think there's too much. When you used to have Jennifer with a G and it's a full size torso. I get it. It's a little bone collector. Yeah.

Excuse your mouth. But I get it. She has no bones. She's very soft and fleshy. She has no arms or legs. She has no agency. Victimless crime. But she also has no mouth. Let her speak. Let women speak. Thank you. Okay, okay. Fair enough, fair enough.

Silencing women's headless courses. Exactly. But there's too many of this. It looks like a dick toy, but it's like one-sixteenth of a human. It's like a butt, a little butt, the size of like a loaf of bread. That's like some fucking leprechaun, Lilliputian. That's Irish wish. You know what I'm talking about? That's Irish wish. What is that about? Are you a representative of the community? No.

No, I think somebody has answers in the front row. That's the Irish wish. Oh shit. Oh wow. She's getting the extender out. This is my boom mic, you guys. This is how I get in touch with the people. Why does it feel like, take me down to the paradox. Okay, why do you think the people are fucking the tiny booties? They're just pussy tight like the nun. They're just a perfect size.

They're the perfect size. That woman would be 12 inches tall. Irish wish. I mean, I'm not even into guys under 5'6". So, like, if the booty is, like, this big, I'm like, so, are we...

Irish wish. It's Avatar. It would be like if... It would be like if... It would be like if... What's her name? She's an Avatar. Sigourney Weaver. It'd be like a Sigourney Weaver in her Avatar body fucked a person. I don't see the problem with... Death. Oh. Death. Oh, right. That big blue cock. Because you know she's got a cock. Oh.

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

- You know, isn't it wild? Isn't it wild? Isn't it crazy? Like, girl. It's just, I, we're so gay in these chairs. - We're so, it's giving Wendy. We're very Wendy. - Apparently. - Clap if you think she should suffer. Did you guys watch the Wendy documentary?

They should have a Wendy thousand pound sister crossover. The thousand pound Wendy. The thousand pound Wendy sister. And then the trilogy, because, you know, we have to do like, you know, once we establish the world, we have to really bank on it. Right. Wendy plus the thousand pound sisters versus Octopussy.

Versus the world, like Drag Race. Yes. Oh, my God. So, wait, can you please answer me something? I know we're both distinguished alumni of that television program. However, I do... I have a hard time understanding. What is this World War motif? I don't know. Like... I don't know. Also, Canada versus the world. Canada versus the world. Let me tell you something about Canada. Nobody's perfect on this earth, but Canada...

They don't have a lot of beef, you know, in terms of, like, worldly stuff. No, no, no. Like, why is Canada versus... Why Canada? Why? Versus the world. Like, what did Canada do? They're going to grab Celine. Yeah.

They're going to grab Avril and some poutine and just go, we are coming for you. Whatever, you know. They're going to get right in your face, ask you for a cigarette and a weird French accent, and that's about it. It's so strange. Well, but nobody's more ruthless than the fucking Canadian immigration. Have you guys ever tried to go to Canada? Oh, yeah.

They have all six fingers up your pussy at immigration. It's like the thing this morning. They pick you up like a six pack. They throw you in the interrogation tank. They're doing a fucking family tree lineage. They are. They got the Hollywood medium. They're doing such a deep, what did you call it? A Scotty? An Irish wish? A background check? A Corey. A Corey. Sorry. A Scotty? I don't know. A Scotty?

You got to pass it, Scotty. Yeah, you got to pass it, Scotty. They're doing a pee test. They're doing a stool sample. And you're like, I'm here for one night to lip sync at a gay bar. Yeah. What could happen? Oh, my God. I mean, I love... Because I still don't... I mean, whenever any customs guy or, you know, customs person, excuse me, like, asks me what I do for a living. So it is always still, after all these years, a little touch and go about, like... A little. Well, you know, I...

It's like I want to have fun with it, but I'm also tired, and then I just don't want to get in trouble, but I also, like, I don't want to lie, but I also want to tell the truth, so I just, you know. Honey, I've worked with you eight years, and I'm not sure what you're doing. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like the next time he's like, what do you do in the country? And you go, well, I do a lot of things. I mean, it's kind of a mixed media artist, a little bit of an experimental, sort of a disruptor, really. It's like, what is your name? What do you want it to be? What's your name? Candy. Oh, Taffy. Taffy. You guys, not if. Can I just say? Not if.

I want to say this off mic because I want you to feel it. When I get my pussy, the way you will all see it, the way I will, I will, I will Miley Cypress wrecking ball swing. Cypress? Cypress. Cypress. Oh, yes. Cypress Hill. Miss Cypress. I forgot that she'd come from Cypress Hill. With the most fucking, the most fucking, most fucking dilated, sopping, lubricated. I'll take this whole theater in with you in it. Mama. Mama.

It will be the thing to end worlds. Reality is collapsing into one another. Canada versus the octopussy. Also, you're going to have clear hot shorts on going through immigration. Clear plastic hot shorts on going through immigration. Like, ma'am, what do you do for a living? And you're just going to fucking... You can give one good look at that smoking hot pussy and all that condensation developing south...

Have you ever heard the word south mouth? The term... Richmond is the south mouth, honey. Y'all like sucking dick out there? Yeah. How many of you eat pussy? And how many of you will just do whatever? You're happy to be involved. Yeah.

Keep an open mind. You're eating tonight. You're eating tonight. I was reading an article in Men's Health magazine about getting older. Okay. Just today on the airplane. And they said that you can't measure older people's... Well, they were talking about certain presidential candidates and debates whether or not they're too old to run a country. Yeah. Well, one clear sign is the cold gray skin, but that's, you know... Right. Right.

They were saying that old people, like you should measure their mental acuity by how open-minded they are to new ideas rather than like how quickly they can like, I don't know, solve a fucking puzzle. Right. Because they said old people's, when their brains stop taking in new information, solving puzzles, learning new things, that's when they start to get old. I also learned that your brain after 30 shrinks by 3% every year. And then once you get past 70, it switches to five.

Whoa. And they also said that, I hate to tell you, they also said that alcohol is a neurotoxin that shrinks the brain faster. So some of you drinkers have little walnuts in there now. Yeah, but if you own a gun, it's fine.

Well, you can't even blow your own brains out. You could miss. Oh, that's your... Dang, damn it. You know what? That is a really good point that you bring up. Growing old is not for the faint of heart. And to your point, I have... You know how you baby-proof a house, right? I do the opposite. I old-prevent a house. So...

I have a lot of mismatched furniture that is on wheels. Right. And then I grease all the surfaces, so things slide around all the time, and I constantly have to be quite literally and figuratively on my toes. Right. And kind of ready for anything, and, you know, getting up from the bed to go to the bathroom at night, it's Canada versus the world. You never know what you're going to get. So, you know, it keeps me young and spry, and my ability to learn new things right at that

This is a very poignant discussion we're having about getting older. I will say, if you do like to explore levels in your home, I've been there a few times where you've been on the counter. I walk in and you're on the counter. I'm surveying. What do you think the mama bird does in the nest?

But she's not sitting on the counter. She's like standing on the counter. No, I'm squatting. Squatting. We don't squat enough in the West. We don't. We really don't. We don't. No, we really don't. No, I'm serious. I mean... We have an old... When we were on Trixie and Katya Live, did anybody see that tour? Yeah.

There was this woman who did hospitality for us, Lindsay, and she's like super yogi, super breathy, breathy, woo-woo, woo-woo to the millionth, right? Crystal jade egg up the pussy, all of it, right? And she will text me sometimes, take a moment to breathe. Love it. And depending on the day, even though I love her, depending on the day, I'll be like, breathe for what? If she gets me in the wrong mood, I'm like, breathe for what, bitch? And now I text her, have you held your breath yet, bitch?

But she's right, stretching every day and breathing. - Mom, I'll never forget, where were you on the night that someone told you, "We don't squat enough in the West." I'll never forget my time, this is it for them. - Yeah. - And it's, because think about it, think about it. Pardon the vulgarity, see now this is some of the, this is part of the problem, is that we have policed our genitals to the point that we don't allow ourselves-- - You don't have to film perverts. God, what are you gonna jerk it to this later? Christ.

I'm just gonna tastefully conceal my genitals. What would you guys do? So, what would you do? What would you do if a big fucking log hit the ground right now? Would you think it was my cock?

What would you do if a claw came up from under this rug, grabbed me by the pussy, and sucked me back down to hell? Absolutely. See, the low center of gravity, we've got some mobility in the hip joints. We're really perched to go back, to go forward, to go side to side. Definitely. This is really where it all happens. It's where you connect. Yeah. It's where you connect. Oh, yeah. Oh.

Mindfulness. Mindfulness. Yes. It's like when they say... Totally. Yes, it's like that. Wait a minute. Did you see this clip on Drag Race of this person, Q, who's coming out about their HIV status on camera, which takes a lot of bravery, right, of course, because there's too much stigma around such a completely normal thing. Sorry. And she's like, yeah, my status, and it's a really long monologue, and Plain goes like, yeah, girl, spill tea.

Love. Love. Spill the T-cells. It's really fierce. Well, you know what? It is so... We talked about this before. We're going to talk about it again. But it is so wild how that particular portion of that show is... It's like... It's so funny. Because the young and the restless. The young and the restless. It's just like, you know, young boy applies makeup to face. And then from the shadows, a sniper gun comes out. It's like, hey...

"Go talk to that one about the time she was assaulted." Or it's just something so serious, so crazy. It's so wild. - It's crazy. And you know, you do want to be vulnerable, but there's certain things I don't want to talk about on camera. So I should've just picked a movie. You guys know I love Scream. I should've just been like, "Yeah, turns out my boyfriend and his friend loved horror movies a little too much and they killed all of my friends." And then you'll never guess, I went to college

And he killed all my friends again. And then the third time it happened, it was my brother. And let the music play. You know? Will you help me buckle my shoe? It's like, Trixie, go ask Kashi what her sign is and be like, well, I'm the Zodiac Killer, actually. It's like...

It's like, I wish, you know, if I knew then what I know now, I just would have made it all up. Girl. I would have made it all up. How'd you sleep last night? Well, this guy in an old hat and a striped sweater kept visiting me in my dreams and trying to kill me. It was like, Kaj, hurry up, you're gonna make up. I'm sorry, I'm going as fast as I can. I was just busy up all night fucking a decapitated head out of a...

Whose head? Well, okay, so this is really interesting. This is actually a good ethical question. You have to fuck a head. Yeah, whose head is it anyway? It's tough because it's like, on one hand, if it's someone you hate, you're like, yeah, fuck them. On the other hand...

If it's someone you always wanted to fuck, at least you get, you know. Yeah. Edith Head. The old... No, no. Right. Thank you for the one person who knows about old movies. Thank you. Edith Head. This is a spoiler. I'm going to spoil the fucked, decapitated head. Right. It turns... Apparently. Apparently. Apparently. Apparently. It was... So it was a ruse. The good old switcheroo. Have they done a switcheroo-sicle yet? Pfft.

I would love that. I would like that too, where they don't actually have to sing. Hello. But the head, so it turns out that the main character who was like, you know, she was getting attacked by, you know, she was her. She was the attacker. The victim was the perp.

I think the killer is here tonight. Yes. What would you do if a decapitated head just like, they should chuck the fucked head right in my face? Love, love. Throw it over here. Although, we learned from Kathy Griffin, don't fuck with decapitated heads. Don't fuck with decapitated heads. Yeah, if you happen to find yourself fucking a head, just toss it out the window and move on. Don't do it, Jackie. Wait, I feel so foolish. I forgot to mention how absolutely ravishing you look this evening, young man. You guys...

You look gorgeous as well. Oh, stop it. I'll say, my flight landed at 5.45. I didn't start makeup till 6.40. I've been here for three weeks. Yeah. I've been here for three weeks. I had to start, girl, it takes a lot of gumption, a lot of elbow grease, and a lot of can-do spirit to get this whole thing. Oh, yes. Do you know we had Dula Peep on the YouTube channel today? I sure do. Yeah.

Albania? If you guys could understand the absolute, like, I, Tanya, in the mirror, straight to camera, I was like, don't call her Dula Peep. Oh, my God. What the fuck is her actual name? Because I've called her Dula Peep for so long, her name is such a fragmented, shattered piece of my memory. Oh, my God.

You know, and I refuse, for some reason, maybe old brain, I can't, I think of her as two people. Like, I can't get in my head, because of duo, I think of it, it's a two lips. Dula McPeep. Yeah, and then also, and I think, oh, maybe it's like Little Bo Peep as a doula. You know, doula peep. Like, what if Little Bo Peep was helping fairy souls into and out of this world, like, be a natural childbirth at home? Right. You know, a doula? Yeah.

Oh, a doula. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, we used to call, we used to tell Kelly Mantle she was our death doula. Death doula, yeah. Very real thing, by the way. She'd be like, I love performing with you guys. We're like, you're not here to perform with us. You're here to help us into the next stage of our life. You're here for the graceful transition into the afterlife, Mary.

So how many souls did she ferry into the beyond? Kelly? No, no, Dula. Oh, Dula? She was good. You know, I did try to spar with her a little bit, and she had a long press day, so she did have fun with me, but I was like... She's a very big star. I was like, you're Albanian. How is Albany? You know, it's...

She was just like, it's not fucking funny. And I was like, you're right. I mean, she's right. It's not funny. Maybe I just wasn't funny. Yeah, but there's a yes and there's a no but. You just got to say yes to life. Well, I know a lot of people who find her so beautiful. Of course, we all do. But in person. Of course, we all do. In person. Oh.

- Ugly, bag of nickels, oh no. - In person I was like, oh my god. The face, the eyes, the everything. - Dog, oh good. - Oh my god, oh my god. - Wait, is it good or bad? - Oh, I haven't gotten there yet. In person, now I feel like on Drag Race when the judge is like, when you came out, at first I was like, this is going to be so good.

In that whole 30 seconds, your tampon flies up and out of you. Yeah, the doula appears, reappears. Yeah, it's... Oh, yeah. And you know who's the master of that shit? Michelle. Yes. Michelle is the master. On Queen of the Universe, even I would be like... The queen of unpredictability. Yeah, she'd be like, it was so bad that it was good. And that was bad. Yeah. And...

Also, I don't know if this is, if it's wrong to say spoiling the magic of television, but sometimes they give two opinions. Oh my goodness. A, let's say a opinion A, an opinion B, just in case. Do you know what I'm talking about? Just in case. Just in case. So it's like you come out there, you're like, you were amazing. And then a pause, something in the ear.

you were awful. It was like, I mean, sometimes it can be as dramatic as, you know, you absolutely took my breath away. I am just, I am gobsmacked by your beauty, your talent, your effervescent aura. It was just, oh, I love you. And then,

You look and smell like my cat's ass. It is wild. Damn. And you don't, I mean, really talk about, oof. I gotta chill, mama. I gotta chill. It's tough, man. What kind of judge would you be? Would you be friendly or would you be like the hostile one? I would be, I would be the antagonist. So I would be, I would be the, you know, you have the point, what do you call it, devil's advocate. So I, whatever the judge, whatever like the overarching statement or the, of like,

the consensus of the judging panel would be, I would go wildly against it. Sure. So if someone was like... You advocate for the devil. Thank you. Thank you. Yes. And I would be like, so say the most beautiful thing just to ever grace the runway came down and be like, I'm going to be constructive here. You should kill yourself. Right. Have you guys ever seen that amazing clip of Rue where she's like, that's crazy. Would she say, oh, that's stupid. You should kill yourself. Right.

- Unalive, unalive. - Oh no. - Unalive yourself. - Mama, unalive is a euphemism that we can throw in that bin with the decapitated fucked head.

Unalived. Unalived. We gather here on this day to say goodbye to our mother who unalived. You need a doula for that. You need a doula for that one. Unalived. A Miss Doula. Miss Doula. I am so happy to call her Doula Peep. It was so close. Congratulations. I kept being like, so you, like I really kept being like, don't do it. But I read on Wikipedia that she has embraced being called Doula Peep because how could you not?

If Wendy Williams called me Tracy Martell or something, I'd be like, that's it. You go down to City Hall, you get it changed. So what is her name, just out of curiosity? Dua Lipa. It is a word. It means love. Oh, it's not a stage name. No, it's a real name. Oh my God. I thought it was like...

Aaron Johnson or something. No. Well, I love when drag queens' names are their... Kelly Mantle's name is Kelly Mantle. Kelly Mantle? How about Norelle Gardner? She does not even bother with the witness protection program. She's like, this is me, bitch. Anybody. Octopussy. She could be the Octomom. What about...

Are drag names getting better or worse? Worse. They are worse, right? Well, I thought they peaked back in 2005. They peaked back in 2005. That's when I came across the wonderful sight and sounds of Miss Lisa Newcar. Right. Lisa Newcar. That's the best drag name ever. Yeah, it's good. Lisa Newcar. Yeah. Sounds like a person is a perfect pun. Right. From the legendary house of Newcar. Newcar, yeah, yeah. You know Bob Newcar? At least his father. What about Mike Hunt? Yeah.

You know, I'm never... Aren't you guys happy you waited for us to come? I am. Aren't you happy? Let me tell y'all something right now. I am never going to let this go. Mike Hunt. That is funny. That is funny. It's classic comedy. And if you bring it into the television arena, imagine you have a headset on. You're like, does anybody have eyes on Mike Hunt? Okay, flying in Mike Hunt. Mike Hunt.

That's great. I love it. I love it. Because there are many Michaels out there with the last name Hunt whose parents did not fully think it through. And you know what they have to do right now? They've got to pick a drag name. This is my son, Chandelier. You know, just pick a woman's name. Something so fucking crazy happened. This weekend, my brother visited me and her brother visited her. Oh my God. Same time. Same time. Isn't that fun? But the weirder thing is that we never saw them in the same room.

At the same time. What did you guys do? We vibed. He drank beer and I regaled him with stories. That's it. Yeah, mine was, so my brother is a very particular type of person. Let's just say that he's a person who does, I don't know, meditation retreats to the tune of 90 silent days in a row. And then there's this.

There's a lot of juxtaposition happening within the immediate family. A lot of juxtaposition. So what's the profile of your brother? He wanted me to go with him to see this thing called Letter Kenny. Oh my God. No way. I have jerked off to that show. But I think it's straight. Oh, it certainly is. Wait, wait. Is it a show or a movie? I don't know. I wasn't involved. Are there young boys playing sports?

I took him to Dave and Buster's. Okay. I thought, like, what's the crossroads between me being just, you know, a cross-dresser and him being him? Dave and Buster's. Well, you have Dave. Yeah, it is the perfect... We found love in a hopeless place. That is the meeting point for a lot of doulas, actually. A lot of doulas, they wheel around... When we rolled into the prize room and he goes, how many tickets do you have? I said, well, I come here a lot. He goes, how many tickets do you have? I said, 14,000.

I don't like to throw my money around. No. But in the Dave & Buster's prize room, I got the fur. I got the full set. Apple bottom jeans. I got the Zsa Zsa Gabor. Yeah, completely. I'm slapping cops. Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped a cop? Did you know Zsa Zsa Gabor slapped a police officer? I did not know that. Zsa Zsa Gabor. I woke up the other day and David, gay as hell, is watching a documentary about Zsa Zsa Gabor slapping a police officer.

I think that's whatever is beyond Bravo. That's the next version of gayest thing you could watch. She also, you know, rich, old, socialite, she also released a workout tape. Do you know about Zsa Zsa Gabor's workout tape? It's simple, darling. And it's just her in like a leotard with like jewels and like many muscled, oiled men around her doing all the stuff. And she's like, yes, no, yes, yes.

No. Well, she was an actress. And we've transitioned to real old gays now because David's got me watching old Hollywood films. Oh, honey. So now we're just 70. 70, yeah. We're just 70. We're just tiny wrinkled penises and just body smells. You've got like a- Being like, look at that, Ava Gardner, huh? Wow. Yeah. Look at that, Cyd Cherie. She sure can twirl with a hoofer and you take another sip of your highball. Girl, he showed me this movie though, that eight. What?

And it was called, oh my God, what was it called? Vertigo? Oh, yeah. Never seen it? Oh, bitch. Vertigo was Miss Puss. Is that Tippi Hedren? Is that Tippi Hedren? That's the birds. No, it was another woman. Kim? Janet Leigh? No. Kim Novak. Kim Novak. Yes, Kim Novak. Oh, oh, oh.

It was so fucking good. And I won't ruin it for you, but there's death and then there's a fake death and then there's a hair color change. It was very... And then there's a lot of... It was very body heat. It was like almost an erotic thriller for that time, I guess. You know, that is... Let me tell you something about the erotic thriller. Uh-huh. Where is she? She's got to come back. Again, like, you know, of course, Vertigo, what was that? 50s? 19... What's the year on that one? I think it was 1820. I'm not really sure. 1820.

What was it? 1958. Who's this little film nerd bitch? Who knew? Who knew? Who knew? You better work, bitch. How did you know? I mean, what? She's like, easy. I've been on my phone the whole show. You guys are fucking boring. I mean,

You know, that is so fierce. We've got to get YouTube down here to film this shit. That is so fucking fierce. Love that. The other day at a show... How did she know? I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but the other day at a show, she's not dead. That girl... Kim Nofat? This girl yelled something, and we kind of responded to her, and she walked front and center, and I swear to God, she was about to crawl on the stage. I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah. It's not when animals attack. We can't break the fourth wall here. If that wall gets broken, heads could come off, and they will get, you know what...

We can't do all that. You know, if I had to redo the bongos video, which, thank God I don't, and I won't, I won't, but I would do bonk, bonk, bonk. Read it up. With the head? Yeah. But it would be the nun's head. This pussy tight like the nun, okay? Listen, I need you to tell me, to explain to me, what was the... What was the...

What is the genesis of that particular tune? Because as lovely as Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion are, that particular song I find mysterious in nature. It's just its existence in general. It is a...

I feel like if there were a separate theme song for Canada versus the world, perhaps that would be it. What is that song? Why was it made? It's truly befuddling to me. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. And right at the beginning, this is fire. The D is fire. The D is fire. Now, maybe Gypsy Rose Lee should remake bongos.

What do you think about the Gypsy Rose Lee, like Gypsy Rose Blanchard, not Gypsy Rose Lee, Gypsy Rose Blanchard. Wait, who's Gypsy Rose Lee? Gypsy Rose Lee is, when is it my turn, but I get a drink for myself. Oh, yeah. It's not that. Not that. Oh, the, yeah. What do you think about her, the View Press Tour? I think she's fabulous. Live for it. I think that she should go, I think that she should go all the way to the top of the reality TV mountain. I think she should do Hollywood Squares. Hollywood Squares.

- Huh? - Hollywood Squares. - Hollywood Squares, Thousand Pound Sisters, remake of Vertigo, and then we'll cap, and then she will be the final sort of like button on the transition from violence to sex in media, like overall, you know? 'Cause what, she killed her mom? - Can I tell you my problem with Vertigo was-- - Fear Heights? - No, the thing is, I get dizzy when I look down. Don't look down.

He keeps walking upstairs and looking down. It was the 50s. It was a different time. Well, they didn't have the internet. All they could do was look around. I mean, they could have asked her. Yeah. And then she could have Googled it.

Well, then we're watching this film called Back Window? Rear Window? Rear Window. Not Back Window. That sounds like porn. Back Door was a different movie. Sorry, Back Door. Back Door Sluts 8. Back Door Divas. By Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah. But the scope of the set, the set takes place with this guy looking out a window, and it's a whole neighborhood in New York or something. And now every film is just actors with ping pong balls on and a green screen.

Wait, what? Excuse me? And now every film is just people in green screen suits with the ping pong balls in their face. They're not called ping pong balls, but you know what I mean. When you're like, hey, I'm backstage in a Marvel movie and they just have like dots on their face and ping pong balls and they're like, brr, you know. They have to give that shit a rest. They gotta give it a rest. The green suits with the wires and they got the dots all over them. Bring back the practical effects, honey bitch. Yes. Wait.

Wouldn't you rather it look a little fake, but like be real? Absolutely. I mean, listen, the amount of times I cannot tell you that I have jerked it to Hercules from 1958, actually. From 1958. Reg Park, you better look him up. You better Google him right now, you. All practical effects, all exquisitely rendered, not a green screen in sight. They didn't even know about telephones back then. It was a whole different thing.

This man, this man appears, the musculature of this man, literally every pussy in that theater the time it premiered, soaking wet. Even the lesbians? Oh, every pussy wet. Dick hard. Because the lesbians sometimes, they'll latch onto a guy fiercer. The lesbians are like, Timothée Chalamet is ours. Timothée Chalamet.

I'm like that dude. They're like that soft woman. She's ours. I'm like work bitch. That little bird boy. That's mine. Oh, hey, that's mine. You know, we're obsessed with Timothee Chalamet. His name is Timothee Chalamet. Chalamet.

It's Nell. It's fucking Nell, bitch. Timothee Chalamet. Love. I mean, he definitely is, I mean, because he is ruling the box office right now and he is poised and pumped and primed to star in a remake of Nell. Yeah. Nell 2, Out of the Woods. Right. Yeah. Maybe it's a musical take. It's like a kind of a musical costume. Yeah, it's like Into the Woods, but then Out of the Woods. And then we have Nell. You know what I did with my brother? I watched Dune 2, you fucking bitch. With your brother? Yeah.

And when I say I watched Dune 2, I don't really mean I watched it. The level of goonery that was, I was like, I mean, y'all know about gooning, obviously, but I was like, I had to control my impulses because I wanted to just go and rub the skin off in the theater. I enjoyed that movie so much.

much. No one was safe. No one was safe. I was like,

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know. This is a level of visual and auditory pleasure hitherto unexperienced by me. Those costumes, those costumes, pussies wet. Pussies, every pussy was wet in that theater. Every pussy was soaking wet. Girl, speaking of fucking costumes, the fucking marathon rode by my house yesterday, right by my house in L.A., down the Hollywood Boulevard.

There's a marathon in LA? Yes, I couldn't do it because of my injury, depressed, but I signed up and couldn't do it, so you better believe they deducted $400 from my account. Thank you. Thank you for charity. Charity. I just wanted my vest or whatever, right? And they're running, and because it's St. Patrick's Day, people in, there's waves of it, right? So the first wave was like the ultra-athletes, right? And the people who win marathons look like they are on death's door. Well, I love, those are my people. Veins, veins. Bone sticking out. Sun damage.

Freckles the size of a fucking pepperoni. Just dead. Mel of Noma. Mel of Noma. Great to Saint Mel of Noma. In Doctor Sleep when they're cycling out and you can see the skull, that's what these people look like, right? And then the next wave is the normal people who maybe run it in like four hours, five hours, whatever. And then the next wave, let's say this wasn't exactly the elite athlete crowd, because it kind of goes in waves. And I'm watching, right? And I'm watching. I watch this guy. He's like 4'8".

And he's running, he's like an older guy, and he just kind of stops and looks around. And I'm at the donut shop looking out the window. They didn't have gluten-free donuts, so I'm just taking in the air, right? I'm just breathing. Because I have to go no dairy, no gluten now, which means you just breathe. Photosynthesis and breathing. Seeds. Seeds and Gatorade. Seeds and Gatorade. And you can sniff Celsius sometimes. That's it. That's it.

Fucking horrible. No gluten? Mary. Gluten? No gluten, which is, I guess, bread? I don't know. So this guy walks over to the donut shop. He's in the race. He has one of those numbers on. And he goes up to the counter, and I just go...

So did you quit? Like I had to know. I go, did you just quit? And he goes, no, no, no. I just want to get a coffee. I was like, okay. Love that. Okay. So then my friend buys the coffee for him and then he gets a donut. And then I thought, how's he going to run in the race and drink his coffee? It's going to look like America runs on donut, like whatever. He goes and sits on the curb and people are running by and he's in his marathon outfit. He's just having a coffee and a donut. Yeah.

And I said, that is the fucking energy, bitch. Like, $400 or $500 to sign up for the race, to sit and just love. Wait, so. I was like, are you going to finish? He was like, we'll see. And I said, okay. Oh, I love it. You better work, bitch. I love it. Or not. Or not. Yeah, you better chill out. Can you cheat during the marathon? Well, I mean, you could, like, I guess get in a car and like, but you cheat yourself. Oh, you do, yeah. And you don't want to cheat yourself. Could you, like, ride a skateboard? Yeah.

No, it's a different thing. Well, you know, the marathon started because people ran from, I think, Athens to marathon. One guy ran from Athens to marathon in one shot, and when he got there, he dropped dead and died. Yeah. And then other people started saying, let's do that. Let's do that. Isn't that fucking crazy? I mean, I love that stuff because, I mean, core memory. Ooh, ooh, core memory. Ooh, ooh, ooh. It's a fatback television screen, 1990-something, and we're watching the footage, and...

Oh, my God. The person who won the marathon has shit herself. There's shit everywhere. Hard. Hard turds. No, no. Pebbles. No, no. It's running down the legs. But I'm obsessed with that. Because it gets churned. Oh, yes. She becomes the neuter bullet. She shreds the shit. She's a ninja. It's AG1 when it comes out, bitch. It's like...

I'm obsessed with those hurricane relief blankets that they have to give them. Like the Mylar blankets to give them, like they are, like it's Jack and Rose. Like they've just been plucked from the thing and they're like, here, you survivor, please wear this thing. Right. What is that? Please explain to me, where can I get one of those Mylar capes? Because I...

I love that shit. You should start just using it as a real blanket. That's what I'm saying. I want to breathlessly just barge into a Starbucks or I'll spray my face with water, shit myself, of course, and then wrap the thing around me and be like, and I think as a marathon winner, they have to give you something, right?

Sometimes they win $10,000, $20,000, $50,000. So I'm going to do that into like JCPenney, like just barrel through and be like, can I have my money? And they're like, what are you talking about? I'd be like, oh, I just won the marathon. And they're like, oh, yeah, okay. And they open the cash register. They just give you Kohl's cash or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, who do you get the merit, who do you get the money from? You get a Starbucks card, I guess. But the people in costumes, it was St. Patrick's Day, so there's people running with fake beards on. Oh my God. People running in, there was a guy running in a green morph suit. I'm like, what are we doing here? Whoa. You can barely get us to sit in costumes on stage. No. Did you see the... No.

You wish, right? What's the point? Well, because I did see it because it was a green morph suit except that was cut out and it was swinging. A big hateful club. A big hateful club. There was some kind of, listen, I was, oh my God, I was driving a car and it was horrible and I pay attention. I pay attention when I drive. Thank you very much.

And I mean, it's just so stressful. And there was a whole group. It was a very confusing moment because I thought it was Halloween for a minute. It must have been some kind of...

I don't know, some kind of animation thing, anime convention. You know what I'm talking about? Where all these adults dressed in these... Oh, cosplay people. Yes, yes, that. Oh, yes, the cosplay people. Oh, yes. That's weird, but this is normal. Yeah, this is really normal. That was really fucking bizarre. But let me tell you, I think I've unlocked a new, like, what do you call it when something really turns you on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's a fetish. Somebody screamed that right away. She said, fetish! Yeah. Like she was waiting to say it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, she was going to Google it, but that's fine. It's like... It's... It was... F-E-T-I-S-E. What is it when old, weird, bald cross-dresser likes a thing in a car? I...

I'm sorry to say this. I'm, um, I was, I became, it almost got to the point where I had to put the turn signal on, pull over, and then get a breath. Why? Because it was so hot to me. Oh, it was? The costumes? Yeah. Really? Adults. These were grown-ass people over 30. But it was like, I don't know, something about it. These cheap, like, shitty Halloween costumes. And I'm talking shitty. Nothing good about, I mean, it was very, like,

very like, what can we find at the local thing and put it together within 15 seconds. It's always bad. Oh, I love it. The worse the better. The shittier the better. Yes, because they were like too small and they were stretched over their like muscular legs and you better believe I saw the full, I mean, full contoured outline of many different bulging balls, dick, and testes. Yeah. Just like...

One of them was like snaking down. Well, the best is when it's like an adult Pokemon gay who's like so ripped. And you're like, you must have been the weirdest, gayest little kid because you're so nice now. I know.

And you should be a cunt because you're so, you know what I mean? Oh my God. They were, it was just, it was a goon fest for the ages out there. Well, people cosplay as us a lot. And when they cosplay as me, I'm like, okay, I get it. Cheap wig, Amazon boots, easy, right? Yeah. When people are like, I cosplay as you, I'm like, so you put on your legit hooker outfit. Yeah.

And your slutty wig and your black fishnets and you roll down to the convention center and just like stick your tongue out at people. Or like it's like I put on a dirty nightgown, no panties, put 14 cigarettes in my mouth and then found a dead raccoon to fit on me. I was like, that's very flattering. Thank you. Very flattering. It's like, yes, we all have different eras, but maybe. It is always like nobody's ever cosplaying as like the best.

the best I ever looked. Their cosplaying is like that one side-lit, high-contrast photo of you in the sunlight from DragCon 2012. And it's always wet. Wet, wet, wet. Actually, I was at a local coffee shop today and one of the baristas said, actually, my friend and I dressed up as you guys and the photo was quite flattering of you. I was shocked. Thank God.

The photo of me, like you just said, is that a Law & SVU victim with her legs spread, fishnets ripped, pussy jerked off by Lauren Bowman in the theater? - Branches in the hair. - Yeah, yeah. - You look like one of those bodies that a jogger discovers at the top of a Law & SVU, yeah.

Yeah. Shocked. Outline. Those episodes, it's always like, I'm looking for Rhonda. Rhonda, you mean Starlight? It's always like, oh, I'm looking for Jackie. Jackie, you mean Genesis? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Tell her she owes me 50 bucks. Yes. She used to run with the wrong crowd. You know what I mean? Yeah.

And then it's always like, I shouldn't even be telling you this, but she liked to be hit. It's a way that it gets really dark. Love. She was like, let's just say with a no loads refused kind of night.

Girl, what about no loads refused? Because I thought about it as we loaded up to the loading dock today, and I was like, loading dock, loading dock. No loads refused? But that's like really... That's like your Kohl's cash opportunity. Like, you know what I mean? Like, wait a minute. This Thanksgiving season, Black Friday, it's like, no loads refused? Mary. No loads refused? You know, this revelation...

Along that point, I could not believe it. It struck me like a bag. It was like a, like a, just like Kim Novak in Vertigo or Riverwind or whatever. Condoms. What do you mean condoms? Hey, condoms. What's up with that? Hey, this is Richmond. This is Richmond. Would you guys consider this the South? Oh, kind of like this. As far, you're like bisexual to the idea of North or South. You're like, you'll swing either way. I think that gay is over.

I do. It kind of is, though. I'd say gay is tired. And it's not that straight is wired. It's not straight. It's just... Are your nipples wired? Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I'm so sick of, are your nipples wired? Wired to what? You need to know about this. I don't care if we've already talked about it. We're going to talk about it 400 more times. We've got to fucking talk about it. The straight girls who came because you like us from YouTube, you're going to fucking learn today, bitch. Are your nipples wired? Are your nipples wired? You know what it makes me think of? Like, like,

You remember, like, I'm going to, for my science project, I'm going to power an alarm clock from a potato. Yes, yes. Like, it makes me think of my nipples hooked up to, like, a Meyer lemon and, like, a hamster wheel. Yes, yes. Or something. Yeah, generating an old-timey, rickety Charlie Chaplin kind of black-and-white electricity kind of a... Yes, or like a Wright Brothers, like, one of those bikes with one big wheel. Yes, yes, yes. And, like, tinfoil hooked up to both my nipples. Wired in, like...

Like, what? Wired to what? And it makes me... Well, I think of the gay men of a certain age, let's say over 50. Sure. Vacationing in Provincetown, Massachusetts or Fire Island, New York, who are... Hey, or Puerto Vallarta. Or Puerto Vallarta. Or Mykonos. Sure. Lindsay Lohan's favorite haunt. And their nipples are like...

How would you describe it? Fingerling grapes? Yeah, or baby carrots. Tear job grapes? Baby carrots, large. Baby carrots. Those big bags of organic baby carrots that you get and they're just perched, peeked out. Or you take a hot dog and cut it in half and then just stick one...

It's fierce. If you hooked a nipple of like a Doberman up to a Dyson for six and a half hours. Yeah, for three years. Yeah, for three years. And you pull it off and it's like, I know you like your nipples played with. I'm real happy for you. But at the end of the day, when you walked on the beach in that tank top, was it worth it, Mary? Was it worth it? Yeah. Was it worth it? Yeah.

Is it worth it? I mean, it would pull... Cherry tomatoes. Mama, cherry tomatoes. Oscar Mayer wieners. I mean, they're like, they're so long. They're so confrontational. So confrontational. They're assaulting. They're assaulting. Thank you. In that sense, I'm one of like, I'm like the Gen Z no kink at pride people. Thank you. I become Marjorie Taylor Greene.

I'm like, no, no, no drag queens reading to children. Marjorie Taylor Greene and Boebert saying, get the fag off the TV, I'm not watching that. Yes, it's like, we're not drag queens, they're not reading to children, and we're not doing Wired Nipples at Pride. Nope, nope. I'm going to storm the Capitol, and I'm going to talk to Nancy Pelosi's big, huge, heavy, brown, tanned naturals.

I can't get enough of that. The best part is the guys are like, are your nipples wired? And if you say no, now they're disappointed because they're obviously nipple people. So they're like, are your wires? No, my nipples are normal. They're like, okay. You know, it's like, might as well mop up the blood and go home. Seriously, it's very like... I told you about that thing, right? The sex... Oh, tell them. Tell them. Oh, hi. Try being my size, Amy. Well...

There was, like, just what she's describing, there was, imagine if you, this is going to be a little vulgar, but you're humping on somebody in their butt, right? But the person who is getting humped upon is insisting, no, the person who is humping is insisting that the humpy tweak their nipples, which, if you think about it, if you're doing doggy style... How do you support yourself? Are you holding on by the nipples? Thank you. Also...

How's the lubrication in the shoulder joint? How's the stretch? Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia. Do you have chronic pain? Rheumatoid arthritis? Have you done yoga recently? Like, how? How? Like, like... It's giving Cenobite. Mama, it's giving like... It's giving Hellraiser. Yeah, it's giving Hellraiser. Goes to yoga class. It's like Hellraiser goes to yoga class. You got to do the inverted prayer thing. You know, you're like... You're like chaturanga...

It's not cute. Mary. Just get, add a third person. Add a third person. Do you know what I mean? Girl, pull a couple clothespins off the line. Thank you. Thank you, Dolores Claiborne. Get a chip clip, honey. Get a chip clip. Hello. Get a chip clip.

And then, I don't even know. I think these guys, what they want is the chip clip tied to a door handle like a tooth coming out. They want the slamming. And then, of course, the penis ball and testes all roped up in a, you know. What about cock and ball torture? Well, Richmond, the capital of cock and ball torture. I'm sorry. I've been turned away from you guys for so long. I'm so sorry. I'll face this way now. I'm sorry. We'll do like a, oh, look, they've got us. That was rude of me.

That was rude of me. Oh, but wait, you haven't mentioned anything about my long shapely legs this evening. Doesn't she look gorgeous this evening? You know, we're normally gone by now, but Richmond, we really duped you with our multiple... I think we should stay another four hours. I think we should do it. In fact... Yes, thank you.

We've taken the liberty of super gluing your chairs so you cannot leave. And, you know what, I really... We're talking about these nipples. There are nipple faggots out there. You know that they're covering their nipples like... They're like, yeah, yeah, that's so gross. Ooh, ooh. What about... Have you ever slept on some titties? Female titties? Yeah. No. Okay. My mom, I was the only one bottle fed. That makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? And this happened...

She would pump and then bottle feed me. I'm like, okay, so it's really like that, huh? It's really like that, bitch. You know that I cannot... I know you need nutrients, but don't touch me. Yeah, don't touch me, you fucking piece of shit. I cannot think of a wind chime and not think about breast pumps. I cannot... Why? I think of a wind chime, if I see or hear a wind chime, I immediately think of a breast pump. I think of breast milk being pumped because... A breast pump and dumps.

No load refused. No load refused. Write that down, Google girl. At Best Buy, they should put that on the washer and dryers. No load refused. Thank you. Yes, you're... I got one of those smart LG washer dryers. It's so horny. How the hell is she... What does she know? What does she know? It automatically dispenses detergent.

Get into it. And get this, you're gonna love this. When you put clothes on there, instead of saying what it is, it tumbles and the screen says, "Sensing load." Excuse me, I'm sensing my load? I'm just sensing the load? I'm sensing-- - It's the Long Island medium for load. - It's the very Teresa Caputo. I'm sensing a load. I'm sensing a load over here. - Someone in your family has wide nipples. Someone in your family has wide nipples. - Does somebody over here have a grandfather who has wide nipples? - Yeah.

Mama. Mama. I'm still... Okay, breast pump, wind chime, Stephen Hawking on Sex Island. Those are three features of the human experience that are so unforgettably bizarre. Wind chime, breast pump, Stephen Hawking, Sex Island. I guess that's four. Yeah. Well, I think we should do...

I gotta say something. I just gotta say something. I just gotta say something. Is it mean? No, I'm just happy to be alive. That's great. It's very Liza. When Liza is like, how are you today, Liza? Happy to be alive. Ann Miller, Ann Miller, Ann Miller. Yeah, absolutely. We got some fucking Q&As here. Oh, we do? Let's get into it. By the way, we both have long nails and hand makeup on for you people. Oh, yeah. Please look.

Yes, I went to the trouble of doing the nails, but I didn't really, I didn't shave my knuckles. Girls, don't you hate that? Don't you hate that? Oh, wait. Did you glue stick it down? Yes, we have to. Sensing a load. Sensing a load. I'm really sensing a load. Are you aware at all of the insane, burning, hot jealousy that I experienced when

I think of the Kardashians, not because of their success or their television show or anything like that, but when I think of the laser hair removal technology that they have used to... Thank you. We've got Dr. Laser right here. One person, the wolf man back there is like... Those whores are so... Every follicle of unwanted hair on those whores' bodies is so erased, is so non-existent that it's...

Do you know that when I'm in the shower, squatting, squatting so luridly, so deeply to shave my asshole. - Take that dry dick and just . - And I'm like-- - Just the blood?

It's like the opening scene of Carrie. Oh, it's very Evil Dead. The shower just starts raining blood and you have that dry fucking disposable razor. Yeah, and it's... I just... If I, 12 years old, if I had had access to that kind of laser hair removal technology, none of you would be here. Why? Because you want to know why?

Because we'd all be in a motel and they'd all be giving me loads because I would be, my pussy would be so jerked off. But there would be a line around the block like fucking six flags. She's like, no. She's like, that's my job. Thank you. By the way, because, you know, we had to reschedule, we wanted to plan something special and I will be

taking loads after the show tonight. No loads refused. I will be sucking cock and taking loads. Yeah. And she will be eating pussies and licking on titties. And, and, when a certain load amount is reached, I will blow some vape smoke on your baby. Yeah.

We will need some consent forms so your families will have to be here. Yes. Okay, first question. Have you seen Dune Part 2? I think we fucking know the answer to that. Yes, bitch. I will see it again. This is from Sierra in Staunton, Virginia. Staunton? Stanton. Okay, fucking yell at me. Staunton, Virginia. Fucking yell at me. It's called Stanton. Okay. Where's the best place to do anal? I think it feels best in the butt.

I was... Okay. But where is it actually? The circus. You know what's funny? I used to be this person. I used to be this person. Because I just felt like that's me, you know? But honestly, I've become this person. Well, I'm going to let you in on a little secret. And sometimes I'm this person. Could you imagine like a backflip? Sometimes you're pink. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na. So what? Yes, 100%. I'm like a...

I'm like a... So that I can, like, I know where I'm going, and I know, you know what I mean? You know where I'm going, yeah. Would you do that? Would I? No, no, no, not you, but I mean, it's a lovely profile. Plus, if you get tired, you can just do this, and they can go right through the arm. Right. Into curl.

Think outside the box. Safe sex. Yeah. With a condom. Listen, with a, thank you. Condom in the elbow? Hell yeah. Condom everywhere. It's like Naked Gun. When you put a full body condom on it, you just wriggle around. Mary, what about this? What about this? What about this, bitch? You ever go to the fucking doctor and they go, do you use, uh, do you use condoms for sex? Have you been having sex? And you go, oh, only oral. And they go, well, oral sex is sex. And I go, so if oral sex is sex, what kind of brutalism has been happening to my fucking pussy, bitch?

Or the doctor has the nerve to tell you to suck dick with a condom on. I'm like, are you out of your goddamn mind? Are you out of your mind? Yeah. Go down to the 7-Eleven, get one of those hot pickles, don't unwrap it, and just fuck your mouth with it. I mean...

Well, I'm telling you, I mean, as much as I am loathe to give props to Jennifer Z, you know, Gen Z is not having sex, apparently. But I think that we should wind it even further back through those Victorian viewing viewfinders, you know, where they have the little, the two... Like a peep show. Yes, exactly. And nobody gets touched. We just, one hand holds the thing, the other hand lightly rubs down there. No contact, no loads, no problem.

Well, that's how the straight guys are because I, you know, only sit with the straight guys because they wouldn't know who Trixie was and they're never going to find out. Yeah, yeah. And they would never tell anybody if they did find out because I'd have them kill me. Very discreet. Yes. Well, they're all discreet when I've disposed of the body. Right. No.

But they would only want to do hand stuff because they're convinced even a peck on the cheek with a gay person is instant AIDS. AIDS. Yeah. Instant AIDS. AIDS for it. They think instant AIDS. Because the only thing they know about gay people is AIDS. AIDS and wired nipples. Wired nipples. It's the slippery slope. It's the slippery slope from wired nipples to...

Full blown AIDS. Okay. I put truck chains on my nipples. Yes. Thousand Pound Sisters are, they've got each, like, they're, what? We'll get out of here. I'm sorry we called you hostage like this. This is horrible. Who do you hate the most from Drag Race Season 16? Love it. Is this a real question? Yes. Who do we hate the most? Thank you, Jenny. Ruth Paul. No.

hate the most well I recently is plain Jane on season yes she well I thought that she stole a joke from me but then I think I might have stole it from someone yeah when you did that joke I didn't think it was the cutting edge of innovation but that's okay well I guess we'll agree to disagree on that it's very like I just flew into town and boy are my arms tired like it's fine

Oh, yeah. You know, it's okay. Oh, that's right. Also, we work in drag where we literally impersonate people for a living. Who owns what? Who owns what? Yeah. You also wore a wig before her. What are we going to do? Call the lawyers? I don't know. Who do we hate? I don't hate any of them, you guys. I mean, it's a good season, don't you think? Style superstar Carson Kressley, go to hell. Yeah. Well, what did somebody say to Ross Matthews? Lick my ass?

Remember somebody said Ross Matthews lick my ass faggot or something? I'll just say that. I'll say that. Lick my ass, you faggot? Love. Something like that. Well, they're right. Gay people. Tired. You're right. Big balls. Yay or nay. Do you think that Ross Matthews has wired nipples?

Listen, I know that Ross Matthews, the hilarious Ross Matthews, his nipples are so fucking wired. So wired. In style superstar Carson Kressley has three cock rings on under that fucking judging table. And you know, you know they're vibrating, girl. They're vibrating cock rings and they're all jamming into one another because they got three different speeds. Michelle behind the judges booth, she's on a Sibian. It's hooked up to 12 car batteries. Pfizer, Pfizer, Pfizer, Pfizer.

And wait, the question was big balls. Huge. Huge. I don't want to be gross. Low hangers. I want them dragging two blocks behind. And you know, it is a very special moment in one's life when one learns that you can shave those balls. You don't have to be delicate with the skin of the scrotum.

You can literally just blindfold yourself, get a chainsaw, just go to town. And it's fine. It seems like, oh, this is going to be a problem. It's fine. It's fine. It's like the skin of an elephant down there. You know, what's the worst that could happen? You nick the skin, the ball falls out, you pick it up off the carpet. Yeah. It's fine. It's fine. Yeah.

Okay. What is your dream low-effort bullshit gig? This one. No, I'm just kidding. Could you imagine? This one. Hello. Hello. Honestly, sometimes at Netflix, I'm like, how is this our job? I know. I know. Because it's like, uh...

They're like, you want to put on a wig and watch some TV? Literally. And then we'll feed you. This weekend, faggot, this weekend, my brother was like, what show do you do on Netflix? And I had to explain the show. And as I explained, I like to watch them. I was like, you're like, wait, so I have, I just, you do what? I was like, well, you just like, we, um, we, we sit and we, we watch, we watch the shows and we talk about what we, what we think about the shows.

And then we go home. And then he's like, great, I'm a veteran and an attorney. Yeah, my sister's like, I cut up the dead into chunks. Right. God. I hate when you have to explain what drag is because it sounds bad. Well, it's back to the immigration, you know, it's like, well, what do I do?

For the right price, I'll be just about anything. Yeah. Trixie, can you do... Wait, what's your dream low-effort bullshit gig? Yours. Oh, my God. Are you kidding me? Are you joking? Are you joking? To be the person who lights the candles at the church. Ha ha ha!

I want to get paid like $400,000 for it. And listen, I would take it very seriously. I know that some of those cathedrals have been laid waste to fire. I would take it very seriously. I would make sure no kids are getting fucked by them priests. Hold on. You're not going to get molested because you're like 35 years too late. Oh, yeah, yeah. These old bones, they're unfuckable. Are we south enough to have religion trauma? You guys got religion trauma? Girl! Girl!

Please be with you. How about this, mama? I had to send my friend and trusted confidant and a partner and assistant to the store to buy me what? I'll have you guess. Lubricant because the Catholic Church chopped my little baby dick off.

We honestly could start a podcast. I would literally do a podcast about circumcision with you. Thank you. I would. It's fucked. Genital mutilation. Make it stop. Make it stop. The octomom. Honestly, we've been pitched a lot of gigs that get pitched to us as low effort gigs. Like, write a book. Oh, fuck.

And we walked down that alley twice and got robbed both times. Just take 50 loads in a laundromat and pee down with wired nipples. It's fine. Do you remember when we did Substack? No. We did Substack. We had to write multiple articles a week. I swear to God, I felt like I was an Azkaban. I think it was on par. I'd rather be waterboarded with pig's blood. It was so hard. As soon as my mind was like,

I was Carrie Bradshaw, like couldn't help but wonder. Truly two days later, it would be like, you owe another article. I'm like, about what? About what? The news, the weather? Yeah. At 3 a.m., I'd have a butter knife. It'd just be,

That scene in Carrie where she has the seam ripper and she's stabbing her leg and she goes, these are godless times. Yes, seriously. That's me, Mary. Oh, I can't take it. I think there's one more. This I love. Worst tour bus experience. Where do we begin? Can I say that last year when we were on tour, some fan just got on her bus and

Just walked on and was so confident that people walked her walk to the back of the bus and no one said anything. Well, they were confused because as they found us fucking at three. No. Oh, what about when my fucking bus blew a tire at six in the morning on the highway in Miami, you bitch? You're Eileen Morneau's ass out there on the fucking day. I was like, blazing hot sun, 630 in the morning in Miami, freeway, cars racing back, like at 80 miles an hour. We're just like.

Mary, the fact that we're not dead, ooh, that's a miracle. Ooh, it's a miracle. That's so fierce. It's so horrible. Liv. Horrible. Also, you're not supposed to poop on those tour buses, and when I was doing the group tours, inevitably some drunk cross-dresser would shit on the bus, and we would all get in trouble. That's right. There is a fierce... That is the policy. We'd have to send the turd away for, like, paternity testing so we could place blame.

What pet peeve should become classified as a crime? Well, circumcision. I don't think that's beyond pet peeve. Standing at the front of the gate when it's not your boarding group at the airport. What are you doing? Why don't they board? Like, I know it's like, why don't they do it the opposite? Oldest to young. No, I actually, don't joke about that. Don't joke about that. I think that's fierce. Babies in the back.

Oldies up front. And I honestly feel like... And I don't care if you're traveling with... I don't care who your kid is. I don't care who your kid is. You get one kick on the back of my seat. You get one before you literally get fucking Reagan from The Exorcist. Me, bald as hell, like... Yeah. Yeah. I fucking turn around, I'm that Chick-fil-A sauce girl, like, I'm not doing it. Baby's eyes snatched out like L-Driver. Snatched out.

Tongue. Ripped out. Ripped out. And then the baby is flung to the front of the plane. And then served to first class as a delicacy. Yeah. Crudite a la... Yeah. Trixie, how's your weed journey going? You guys, I quit weed several months ago. I'm so sorry. I know. I know. They don't care. Our apologies. You guys are so afraid of getting arrested here. You're like, I've never done a weed. No. Is it not legal here? Is it legal here?

It is. It's legal. Okay. Is cocaine legal here yet? Just kidding. And what about murder? Is murder fine? Jordan and Caitlin from Richmond need to know gay son or thought daughter. Whoa. Whoa. Oh, that's so easy. We should say this. We should say it on the count of three. One, two, three. Thought daughter. Yeah, of course. Of course. Absolutely. Because listen.

Come on. Is it even a question? Look at the material. Oh, if I had a daughter, first grade, oh, is that a Bratz doll? Yeah, yeah. Two hair-long extensions, titties pushed up. Kicked out of preschool for bottom lashes on. Girl, thongs, thongs. Like, don't you desexualize my inappropriately sexualized young daughter. Yeah, don't sexualize my daughter.

She gets to work, she gets to school on a pole, but still. But still. Listen, I need you all to Google, Sarah, Google over there. You need to like spearhead this, our final thought for the evening, because you really need to come in hot here. She needs to circle back and close the loop and follow up. This is a matter of supreme administrative importance if you're not familiar with the Dance Moms clip of the Abby Lee Miller choreographed a dance

dance piece for these children that was about abducted children. A crime, a true crime performance art dance piece that is so haunting. Where have the children gone, I believe it's called? It is, the audio alone, it is

So next level. That was the pinnacle of human civilization. And y'all need to go home, do this. She'll take care of it. She'll fly her on the way out. You need to do that. And you need to know what time it is because it is wild, wild country. It's the old country buffet. It's no loads refused. It's like X-Men versus... No loads for old men. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

It's... Mama, that's wired. That's wired. That's wired. You guys, this is a part of the show where we're going to stand up, we're going to walk to there, and you guys are going to clap. Yes. And you're going to clap until we are gone. Let me say that again. Yes. You're going to clap until we are gone. Yes. And then you may go home. Yes, yes. But before we do that, we would love to express our deepest and most sincere thanks for you joining us here after canceling 500 times. Yeah. I...

I mean, last year we did a hundred Trixie and Katya's, never missed one show. I'm sorry we canceled on you twice. That's fucked up. No, it was Nancy Pelosi's Big Italian Naturals. You can blame it on that. It's just, come on. Okay, so here we go. It's happening. Ready? We're going to stand up. You guys are going to clap. Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

And don't stop till we're gone.

Bye.