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Super hit. You know why it was super hit, folks? 38 years old?
No, Blondie didn't hit until she was, I think, 29, 30. Heart of Glass came out, which is hashtag old for women at pop music. Oh, yeah, I guess they're right. Same with Elvira. Elvira didn't hit until 30. Long in the tooth. Yeah. And Heart of Glass was big because it...
was that song is like 50% disco, 50% new wave. And so when music was changing over, she was like, what about this hit? That's both bitch. What about both of these nuts? Yeah. Both of these nasty nuts. I fucking love Blondie. She's amazing. I got that album. Best of Blondie when I was in high school. Cause it was like, I don't know, like Walmart for $10 or something. Um,
And I was like, oh my God, this music. I love it. I wish there was more of it. Turns out they have a lot of it. If you loved Heart of Glass, you're going to love their entire catalog. Well, that's the problem with liking a new artist is you only like their one album they have and you have to wait for the next one. If you fall in love with some old music, buckle up. Because there's decades. Buckle up, bitch. Or you fall in love with movies? Yeah, or just movies. Let's take a break. No, it's too early. We got to talk about Tootsie.
We're going to fucking talk about Tootsie, bitch. I finally saw Tootsie. I'd never seen it. Let me see you Tootsie roll. I was not fucking ready. Honey. We didn't talk about Tootsie? I've never seen it until now. So if we ever did talk about Tootsie, I was pretending I'd seen it. And now I fucking saw it. Okay. Dustin Hoffman, Terry Garr. Because honestly, you don't have to see Tootsie. We get it. Do we though?
I'm going to cross-dress to be on TV. Like, we get it. The plot device of insurmountable problem only surmounted by cross-dressing. It's so cunty. One of the boys? Yentl. Tootsie. Mrs. Doubtfire. Mrs. Doubtfire. Cross-firing is the answer. Get the bag on the TV. I am watching that. You said cross-firing. Cross-firing. So in Tootsie, he's an acting teacher.
And he's, he has a, Terry Garr is his student girlfriend that you're kind of sleeping together. And he's not getting work as a male actor. So he's like, let me try female acting. Cause it's a, it's easier. I don't know. I wasn't really clear on why becoming a woman was the move. Yeah. But he gets to cast on a soap, right? In my opinion. What? In my opinion, if you need only the suggestion of an audition for a soap to cross dress mama. Yeah.
That was headed in. That was coming. That was coming, babe. You know what I mean? It's like drag queens who have no paid gigs. They get one unpaid gig and immediately get acrylic nails and shave their eyebrows. It's like, honey, jump aboard the cross-dress express diva because Miss Fierce and Detective Fierce, bitch, that was coming. The Trans-Siberian Railway is taking off. Choo-choo. Girl.
The Polar Six Express. It was coming. Mike, well, how about the truly, I mean, in these movies, most of these movies, Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire, for example, these people are not what I would call Pasolena. Well, Mrs. Doubtfire, I would say yes. But is Mrs. Doubtfire passing? More tonight at seven. Passing what? Passing what? Passing a bar. Passing a stone. Passing...
She's passing a stone. Well, if you're passing for an old lady, you're passing a stone. You're passing a stone and you're also, um, the, wait, so Tootsie, Tootsie. Would you fuck Tootsie? I know you would. I know you would. Out of drag, Dustin Hoffman, I'm not really attracted to. What about, what about the graduate?
No, too short. Oh, he's like 4'2". Yeah. Well, that's how he passed as a woman on the soap. Duh. And I believe in short kings. I love that. I'm not going to your kingdom. You know what I mean? I believe in short kings. I see you. I believe in you. I don't fuck with you though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All drag is valid. Yeah. If you have to get on your knees to suck my dick and then we need like a yoga, like a block for you to get on. Oh my God. A little padding. Yeah. Yeah.
And I don't think we're all the same height laying down. That sounds like necrophilia. I was just going to say that. That sounds like necro. T. Like, what about, like, I wanted an acting gig, so I had to become a corpse to get fucked to get on TV.
Let's take another break. Basically there's a part, there's a few parts I loved, which is Dustin Hoffman is he's improvising in the scenes and he's giving the female characters more depth because in this series, the females are all wanting to fuck the doctor. They all, they're all passive. Yeah. And he starts going off book and being like, no, I'm not doing that. Whatever. And then he's cheating out and going, well, why would she do that? She's a woman with kids. Why would she blah, blah, blah. So he's adding depth to the character, which makes the viewers at home like that character. Yeah.
And so it's kind of funny because while stealing a role, stealing a role from women, just like Stanley Tucci taking every gay role. I was this close to being in Devil Wears Prada. Every single bald gay role, every bald role, every gay role. Yeah.
Yeah. Everyone. And people get mad about other people doing it. When Stanley Tucci does it, no one cares. Why was he in burlesque and Devil Wears Prada playing the same exact person? Always gay. I don't care about gay playing gay. I care about gay playing good job playing gay. You just have to do a good job. Yeah. You just have to play the character. If you're like playing, if you're doing like an action something and you're like, hello, here we go, guys. I'm going to kill you. Like that's not going to work. Yeah. Yeah.
Although I live for like, you know, I mean, representation comes in all forms. But when like Reno 911 was on TV and what's his name? Nick Swartzen played Terry who gets arrested all the time. He's always like, he's the guy who's like, leave me alone. I'm dead. Wait, he was, but you can play, anybody can play gay, but not anybody gay can play straight. Well, duh. On Broadway you can. You're my girlfriend and I love to eat your pussy. Literally. Literally.
Honey baby doll. I love you. I just love you. I think we should get married. My wife is giving birth. My wife is having a baby right now. I hate. I asked her what her ring size was and she said she wanted a princess cut. I'm like, honey, with those hands.
It's so horrible. The musicality of musicals. Here I am sitting at the chair and talking to you on a microphone. I want to, all of my innards want to come spilling out of my mouth onto your body. My BFA in musical theater, I really think of it as like my dark past. I think of it as like Gypsy Rose. Like I've moved on now and I'm a new person. And the D is fire. And the D is fire. Yeah. No, but there's, from my point of view, there's like four, Kander and Ebb. Of course. Kander and Ebb.
Yeah. Candor and ebb cabaret, Chicago, a sweet charity. No, no. So that's Fosse. Wait, well you could love star Trek and then maybe be turned off by Trekkies.
It's a little bit like musical theater people make musical theater uncool. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And they're always like, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait
Think of like When You're Good to Mama, Life is a Cabaret. And then Sweet Charity. The Rink. Yeah, Sweet Charity, of course. Iconic. I know I've sent it to you probably 416,000 times. Liza Minnelli in doing that number. Yeah, yeah. You send it on a loop. Maybe like once every two hours. You might have like an auto kind of like. I'm like, oh, shoot. Where am I? I'm on your mailing list.
I'm just, I need to see you in that outfit. Like yesterday. You want to see me in that wig? No. Okay. Dina Martino. It would be Dina Martino. Oh my God. It would be. We got to go back to Tootsie. Okay. He says there's a part where there, she's a good, he's a good actor in the show and he's bringing a lot of life to the character. Do the voice. And the other. Well, I play Tootsie girl. It's kind of bunny. It's bunny. It's totally bunny. There's a part where he goes to his agent and
And he goes up to his agent and he's like, it's me. I got the role. Can you believe it? Because we're supposed to believe no one knows this doesn't happen. And then there's a part where he goes, he goes, can you believe it? They almost didn't give me the role because that was almost too feminine.
Bitch where? And then I guess- Bitch where? David Silver told me that Dustin Hoffman, because we watched that and we watched Some Like It Hot. That's what you told me. Yeah. David told me that she was saying, Dustin Hoffman was saying that she'd never been criticized about like, she was kind of hurt that people were saying how ugly she was in drag. Hello, ugly. Yeah. It was hello, ugly. Which is so-
It's like, it's like Tyra in the, in the, in the, the headscarf. What do you mean? Like does drag once. Now I know what it's like to be a woman. You know what I mean? Oh yeah. I mean, it's like, it's like you were a old dog that was old yeller. Yeah. And you were, you were confused about you being not a swimsuit cover model.
Yeah. I mean, in some ways it's like progressive because he's taking this background 2D women's role and he's making her the star of the show by making her character matter. Yeah. So it's very like pro women in TV, the way he creates the star of the show. Yeah. But she's a runaway hit. Tootsie Lou. Tootsie. Him putting on the wig. There's scenes where he has the wig on and he wakes his roommate up who's Bill Murray. And it's like, what do you think?
And I'm just, why is it always the shortest fucking ugliest wig and glasses for, for female drag?
Why not the long unit? Why not the vanity? Why not the Uberaya? Why not the Uberaya in like a 24-6-13 honey mix? A honey blonde with like a root. Yeah, with a root. If you and I directed Tootsie, if you and I directed Tootsie, she would have been up on a chair with pearls on with her long acrylic nails rubbing her fucking pussy. Her fucking giant...
enormous breastplate with a thing, like bikini string top that's only like cutting through her giant nipples. Yes. Just like wet. We're spraying her between takes all wet. Glycerin. Not even water. Glycerin. She's soaking wet. Corn syrup. Corn syrup. She looks like she's dipped in maple syrup. I need to talk about
Did you see Dune? Yes, I did. Can we, before we get to Dune, can I tell you the other piggyback I watched? Yes. So after Tootsie, which was crazy, one of my other favorite parts that you and I felt very strongly, I know, there's a part where she's acting and they go in for a tight shot and the producers go, not too tight. Tight shot.
That I felt. It was like, Buzz, your girlfriend, woof. Yes. And then David made me watch Some Like It Hot. Yeah. Never seen it. Yeah. Another classic cross-dressing to get on it. It's like the birdcage. I don't want to go to jail. That was my first Maryland movie. I'd never seen a Maryland movie.
No way. What about Gentlemen Prefer Blondie? You ever seen that one? Oh, I guess I had seen that. That is delicious. But I've never really seen a Maryland movie. Like sitting, really watching it. That's Jack Lemmon and Walt. No. Jamie Lee, Jamie Lee Kermis' dad. Tony Kurnis. Tony Kurnis. Tony Kurnis. Tony Lee Kurnis and Jamie Lee Kurnis and the Gurney's.
So Tony Kurnis and then Janie Jimplin or Jackie Jomp Jomp? Who was the other guy? Reese something something. No, I don't know. Jack Lemmon. Jack Lemmon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, love. So they are musicians and they see a job posting for an all-girl band. Oh, yeah. Of course, the solution is cross dress. Crossy. Yes, crossing over with John Adams.
She's a part-time crossing guard, honey. So they're riding on a bus and all these movies, what happens is somebody falls in love in their drag character and everything becomes light lesbian because he almost falls in love with Jessica Lange. Mama in Terry Gore. Yeah.
Well, Terry guard is his girlfriend. This is girlfriend. That's his girlfriend. That's right. Then he has a tryst with Jessica Lang. Yeah. And she's confused cause she's married and she's like, but you're, you're a woman. And what about the old guy on the soap who is can't get enough of Miss Tootsie Lou? There's always, there's tropes. One is, one is accidentally falling in love. And then you make the person you're in love with confused by their sexuality. Yeah. Yeah. Happens. And the other thing is somebody is completely powerless to your sexuality. Yeah.
Some dude is like, you're the hottest one I've ever seen. And some like it hot. It's a billionaire. And the guy is considering staying in drag to be rich. They're like, you're not a woman. And Tony Curtis is like, you're not a woman. And Mr. Lemon's like, well, he's rich. Mama, if the price is right. That's the house of hidden meanings. I want to talk to you about Allstora. Fuck.
The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.
I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
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I need to tell you about it. The Chinese theater saw me. I was seated for that. The TCL. The Chinese theater. Oh yeah. I just caught the TLC theater. The TLC theater. Yeah. The two, uh, the two live crew or TL or T-Boz left eye and chili theater. The crazy, the crazy, sexy, cool AMC stub. But wait, also two live crew. Do you remember two live crew? Before your time. Rap band?
Two live crew. Anybody? Nope. Bueller? Okay. Dune, the costume, designery on that fucking... I squirted. Did you like it as much as Dune 1? I shat in the mother toilet. I ate and shat in the... I loved it just as much. I actually loved it more because there was more action and a lot more range of characters. It was...
So visually like I was chomp chomp chomping. Chomping. The Harkonnens, the bald people that both you and I look like. People keep tagging us as Austin Butler. Thank you. But even Austin Butler with no eyebrows. We're not exactly on that level. Honey, there is a scene. His first scene, he plays a psychopath from this evil world. Everybody's black and white. It's like a UV sun. It's so fierce.
It's a shot of him shirtless and jacked. And it is, I was like, I will be jerking it to that later on. Jerking it. Yeah. Yeah.
And it was so, it was like a goth person's, for the costumes and the vibe, it was like H.R. Giger, like all inspired design. It was so, it was just, it was a feast for the eyeballs. And I can't get enough of that. How long is it? It's three fucking hours long. Is that okay? It's a little too long for me in the theater, let me tell you that. Austin Butler. Yeah. Yeah.
Do you want, when once the, um, I could tell when the movie was ending, I was like this. I mean, I loved every moment of it, but I was like this and I went, I went to that bathroom. So I was like Wiley coyote with a dust cloud going in the bathroom to pee. Cause I'm not going to leave. Yeah.
Yeah. Do you leave the theater? Never. Never. What's the point? I've never walked out of a movie and I've never left to pee. I've only walked out of one movie in my two movies. I've watched out a bunch of movies. Because what if I miss the thing, the moment? Oh, a hundred percent. What are you supposed to do? Come back and turn to the person next to you and go, what did I miss? Yeah. Loudly, loudly. Or ask the person behind you. Hey, I was in the bathroom. What, what, what, you know, it was, uh, I walked out of hanging up with Diane Keaton, Meg Ryan and, um,
Annette Bening, Hanging Up. Horrible film. Horrible film. Not on level, not on Dune level. No. That film is what I think turned me into a drug addict. So if we watch in reverse, we break the curse. What's the opposite of hanging up? You wish to have the curse reversed? You need a certain potion first. Pushing down. Yeah, pushing down. Horrible film. Nor Afron. And fuck Into the Woods.
you know what? I'm not just saying, cause that, this is my crack. We know people say these oatmeal cookies are like crack. That to me, my ears is like crack. Say it again. Fuck into the woods. Uh, uh,
That's one hot pleasure for me. Fuck Into the Woods. Fuck Into the Woods. Fuck that shit. Fuck it right in the pussy. The milk is white. It's snow. I can't take it. Pants are black and shoes are white and here we are sitting in a room dawdling on the podcast. I can't take it. It's like Sweeney Todd also. Go get fucked. Yeah. Get fucked. Yeah. But less so than Into the Woods. Into the Woods can go fuck itself up the butt. It sure can. With a hemorrhoid. And I know it's high quality. But I don't like it. That's fine. But I don't like it.
I wish. I wish it was over. I wish this movie never existed so I wouldn't have to. Can we talk trauma? I need to tell you about what happened at the pit stop. What? I was leaving the pit stop and I wore this like little pink sequin disco. It was the kind of mini dress with tits built in that one I showed you where it's like lays perfectly flush to my skin. Love that. Apparently between the driver, the PAs, Brandon and me,
The dress got put in the back of the car and it was raining and the driver pushed close on the door. And as the door was closing, it fell into the street in the garment bag. And they have footage at Paramount of an unhoused individual just grabbing it. So I just am out like a $500 custom dress. But look on the bright side. That unhoused person, I say homeless, is unhoused.
I say outdoorsy. Mountain people. We're not supposed to say homeless. Is unhoused okay? So I am of the opinion, this is just my opinion, by the way. Unhoused, I believe, is a euphemism. I find it, personally, I find it patronizing. Homeless, also...
I don't know. It's in some ways is more sad and more real. This person doesn't have a home. Yeah. I mean, base. It's like a house. Unhoused. Like a building. That sounds like, it sounds like the kind of verbiage that is like sanitized in order to like not treat a problem. You know what I mean? Yeah. Not having a building. Yeah. It sucks. But like not having a mental spiritual place. That's a home is like, I think that's more.
That's more what we should feel. I don't know. We should speak for the homeless. The outdoorsy. The outdoorsy. I can speak for mountain people. Tiny home people. Van life. Tiny home people. There's a lot of van life people in West Hollywood. Van life. What is that life? Van life? Van City Reynolds. Mama. Van City Reynolds. Well, some people want to live outside, which is fine. I mean, they want to live in a van. Do you like camping? No. No. I'd rather live in a van. Have you shot in the woods?
Is the past tense of shit shat or have you shit in the woods? When I did the marathon, I had a hemorrhoid and I had a preparation H suppository at my ass during the marathon and actually shit out the suppository during the run. I had to wipe my ass with a leaf in Cedarburg, Wisconsin. In the broad daylight. Accidentally? Yeah.
Yeah. So that dress is gone. And I just hope whoever stole it is a size 14. And since it has breasts sewn into it, I hope they have no breasts. Was she about a size 14? Exactly. I hope they're a size 14 with no breasts. I hope Frederica Bimmel gets it. Yeah, I hope Frederica Bimmel is wearing it in the well right now. I had to call Amy and be like, can you remake this? I guess pick a different pink because I don't want a copy of it. But like that dress is gone. It's okay. It's okay. Things happen. At least you got your legs. Yeah.
If anybody who has it is listening to this, please give it to me and I'll sell it back to her. I'm willing to negotiate. She's willing to suck your cock. You want to see your daughter alive again? I want to see my dress again. We're going to get Liam Neeson on the case. Taken. Taken. Taken. Wait, I need you to know about Dune again.
again. Tell me about it. I need you to know how... Did you get to see Rebecca Ferguson? I sure did. She's in it again. And she ate and shit all over them. Mr. Timothee? Timothee Chalamet. Timothee. Took a shit in the mother toilet. Got it. He was giving full... It was full on Nell. It was good. He was great. He's the least... I mean, he's a lovely guy. A lovely guy. A little bird boy. Apparently he's got a big swinging dong that he gave syphilis to a whole bunch of people at NYU. It's just hearsay. But he's like a...
He is very serviceable as the lead role. Wonderful actor. It's all the other characters, though, that really get my fucking juices flowing.
Rebecca Ferguson eating shitting in the mother toilet. Literally, she's mother, Reverend mother. Did you see the guy at the theater on a hoverboard and that doing something? Riding the sandworm? Live. Fucking A. Live. Yeah. I loved that. It was like people would clap at the end of the movie. I'm like, they're not here, you know? Right. Have you ever experienced that? That's a new thing for me. People clapping at the end of a film in a cinema where the director- They do it in L.A.,
Have you ever been to a premiere? Well, the premiere is different. In premieres, they clap for... No, in premieres, every credit rolls. Film by, in the beginning, when it's like film by, they clap for everything. Okay, that's cool though because they're there though. But clapping at the end, I think it's funny. It's like, I know we all got to go to the bathroom. What are y'all playing at?
Oh, in LA, they sit and watch the whole credits. Well, I'm not. They watch the whole credits. That's crazy. The only thing that was not crazy. Do you also like open a candy bar and eat the wrapper? What are you talking about? I have my cereal box. I just put it in my whole thing in my mouth. Yeah. Even if your husband is like stunt woman one, well, wife, I don't know.
Even they're going to turn and be like, we don't have to wait for my fucking name. No. I promise I'm in it. No, my God. That is so insufferable. Although the only thing is that sometimes, you know, in those Marvel fucking movies, there's always like an Easter egg at the end of the credits. But in the Terrifier part two, if you happen to, after two and a half hours of brutality, if you happen to just find yourself planted in that theater seat, you were treated to the most wonderful little post-credit experience
epilogue rather where art where a woman was scrawling in vagina blood on an asylum wall and then gave birth to a severed head bonk bonk bonk beat it up was she in a sparkly dress laughing
She's about a size 14. She's a size 14. I got to tell you one more thing before. We're not even that far into it, I guess. Our guest today is here who's really good. Hello. No, she smells like shit. Yeah, tune in next week because the guest is fierce. The guest. Oh, the guest is hunty. Yeah, it's fierce. It's fierce. Hi, it is fierce. It in general as a theory is fierce, but this person is also fierce. She's serving. I got to tell you something. Something not as good as Dune happened to me. So, you know, I've been having some health problems. Yeah.
My mobility is very limited. Thank you. It's just funny. That's funny. Yeah, I think it's super funny. No, it's just funny the way you said it. Would you... Is that like semantic? Should I say like problems of the health? No, I think you should say, you know, I've been ill. Unhealthy American. You know, I've been ill. I've been ill. Ill. And my mobility has been somewhat limited. So I've had to find special ways to get to work and things, right? Wheelchair, wheelchair, wheelchair. Not a wheelchair. But...
Last week, I got a service where they pick me up at the house, drive me to LAX, a different building where there's a secret, secret lounge. Oh my God. We get there. They take my ID and my bags and they just sit me down in a lounge and I eat breakfast and they do all the ticketing, the baggage. I don't even participate. Then they say, Mr. Fergus, if you're finished with your breakfast, we'd love to take you to the plane now.
They put me in a car, drove me on the tarmac to the side of the plane, and I just walked up the stairs and sat in my seat. There was no TSA. I didn't even go in LAX. Don't you dare say this out loud on the pod. No. The secret is out, hunty. It was. The secret is out. Because I've had some walking problems, it was life-changing because I didn't have to walk through the fucking airport. What about going to Heathrow? Could you imagine?
Well, they don't have it at every airport. No, but I mean like with your, with your like not being ambulatory. I would have to get help. Oh yeah. Yeah. So on the way back, yes, two days ago, get this. I land, I get the same service, but in reverse. I get the plane stops. I get off the plane. Right when I get off the plane, they have a sign. Eject button. They put me in a car on the tarmac where they had a meal for me and they drove me straight to my house with my bags. No baggage claim. Was this like a million dollars? No bra.
No bra. And no panties. It was a lot of money. Yeah. I was going to say, it sounds like a PJ. It was a lot of money. It sounds like a PJ. It was a lot of money. Just the service, the car thing, just the car thing to pick me up on the tarmac and drive me to the house was like $800. That's actually not as much as I was going to guess. But the car, even if I just got a car service, that's a few hundred.
And if it saves me having to walk through the airport at this moment in my life, I was like, let's just splurge on it. Yeah. Have you taken a private jet? Never. Never. Have you? Once. You did? Yeah. Where? It was for an urban decay gig a long time ago. And it was so strange. Urban decay flew you private to Vegas? To Vegas and New Orleans and another place. We took it, I think, twice or two or three times.
It was wild. Urban Decay, if you could send me Brow Blade and Cafe Kitty, I think I could get a few brow pencils since you're flying this sack of shit all over private. Yeah. Yeah. It was crazy. It was crazy. It was like very strange. It was small plane though. That's the only thing that's a little rickety. Small planes is a little scary. Yeah. But.
You just go, you're just boop, boop, boop, boop. It's weird. But the fantasy of not even going into LAX. Well, that's the fantasy. And not, I got off the plane. They already had my bags off the plane and put me in an SUV and drove me straight to my house. My baggage claim. Let me ask you this. This is something that I truly think about a lot since we both have had the opportunity and the, I guess the good fortune to travel a lot. And most often at other people's expense. Hello. Yeah. Um,
Why don't they have a tranquilizer service? Mama, like- Fifth Element. Yes! Have a good flight, Mr. Dallas. Pitch the button.
Like they need it. This is where they need that service. Nerve gas. Nerve gas. Anything like literally move out a watch, you know, like champagne, cocaine. What was that? The Puerto Vallarta. I want the Michael Jackson propathol. Yes. What about this audio clip of Michael Jackson? Oh, please stop it. That's not true. They made it up. They lie. My shoulder.
My shoulder is dislocated. I can only move it to here. That's you on the plane. That's you on the plane. My shoulders are... Entirely. I need a ride and also some breakfast, please. Yeah, entirely. I'm so hungry and I cannot walk. But that's me. I'm grateful I got in the car and it was a room temp crudite with Thai noodles. I said, what the fuck is this? Because I don't want to cheat on my vegetarianism, but I've been having...
pretty hardcore anemia. So I've been introducing chicken into my diet to try to balance everything out. I'm not going to say I'm going to do it forever, but let me tell you something about Miss Chicken. Miss Chicken? And I love, I clucked a lot of years not eating animals. Clucked a lot of years. I thought what you said. So I hope I've bought myself a few months of maybe rebalancing my diet. It's not a moral issue. It is for me. Okay. Jesus Christ. But if I shut down the fact that that's Miss Cluck Cluck, that's Miss Chicken Run. She's delicious. Have you ever fucking had
Have you ever fucking had like a Wendy's chicken sandwich? Have you ever had a Chipotle burrito with chicken? Now I feel like somebody who's talking about doing drugs, having sex. I'm like, have you ever got your pussy ate on meth? You know what I mean? Now I'm like, but also you need to dream bigger chicken wise girl. Cause you've only scratched the surface. It's like Wendy's and Chipotle is the, is the, is the gate is the, is the heaven point of heaven. The point of like,
uh, the climax, there's a whole other level. There's an elevator goes all the way up, baby. Chicken cordon bleu, chicken cacciatore, chicken Parmesan. Um, I mean, come on, miss chicken, miss chicken. I've been really eating chicken. I've been doing chicken stuff. Don't you get back here. You bitch. Our guest is leaving. Sorry. You know, sorry. We're not hot and young enough for you. You bitch. Taco Bell's here. Miss chicken. Oh, speaking of, um, do they feed you at home?
No. Who's they? The royal they? Who's they? God? Well, my brother's here and he is feeding. He's staying with you? Uh-huh. Is Graham here? No. It's just my brother. My brother's just like a little like week of, a week of like retreat. He's on retreat at my pergola. He's retreating to you? Meditating. He's coming to live with you to calm down? Mama, that tells you that that's a portent, an ominous portent of his home life. How long is he here? A week. My brother's coming this week.
I'm not kidding. That's so weird. Well, they know each other though. I think they're hanging out tonight. They fucking... The PT and the lawyer. My brother's visiting. The lawyer? Yeah. He's going to give you some legal advice? Well, I'm trying to hang out with them. Yeah? Because we've kind of like been... What do y'all do together? I think we've been lukewarm on each other for the first like 30 years of life. And we're trying to like...
Trying to stage something. I know what you can do. Spicy chicken salad. Girl, I'm trying to kind of January 6th our relationship. Like go in, storm it. Feel up Nancy Pelosi's big Italian titties. Yes.
Wait, did you see Marjorie Taylor Greene? Do you see the clip of Joe Biden reacting to Marjorie Taylor Greene? I did not, but I think you must show it to me at once. She's in a red Make America Ready Again hat and a red fucking shirt and a red blazer with all these buttons that say crazy shit. I think it says like, say her name, which I think is her name. Like, it doesn't even matter. And Joe Biden turns and sees her. And once in a while, Joe Biden does high comedy. The way all old people do. Of course. Joe Biden turns and sees her and just goes like to her outfit. And she's standing there in all red like, and what?
Which I don't think you're allowed to go to those type of events and wear like, you can't do like Macy Gray, a gown that says my album drops January 6th or whatever. Right, right, right, right. It's just, Macy Gray, my album drops. Well, do you remember when Macy Gray had that gown that says she went to like a Grammys with a gown that said my album drops and the date?
Yeah. I don't like, also, I really don't like, you know what I don't like? Fashion statements. At the end of Love is Blind, this girl had, she had writing embroidered into her veil. Could you see it though? Yeah. Was it like, of you first? Okay. I hate writing on clothes. I hate like, it's like, like, well, I mean, this is different. I'm not, I'm like when at the Oscars, I mean like when you're making. Who made that? I don't remember. Love that. Yeah.
And when someone's at the Oscars and they're trying to make a political statement with their like gown or whatever, I'm like, yeah, just like you're probably worth $30 million. Why don't you fix the problem, bitch? Didn't they do something at an award show a few years ago where everyone wore a color? They all wore, all the women wore black in paying sort of in solidarity for the Me Too movement, which I thought was interesting. But you know what also is interesting? I watched this clip of
A super clip of stars thinking Harvey Weinstein in their acceptance speeches at the Oscars. Everyone. No, because part of the hush of that is I also have to pretend to be grateful. Yeah. I mean, because it's like two things can be true at the same time. He can produce really amazing pictures and also be a horrible monster. Right. Yeah. You know, I feel that way about, I don't know if we've talked about this, but a couple years ago, I discovered the music of Marilyn Manson. I'd never heard it really. He always scared me.
And in 2018 or something, 2020. That late? Yeah. I listened to some of his records for the first time and I was like,
This music is great. And the more I looked into it, I was like, oh, he's kind of doing drag. I was like, this is kind of gay. I'm going to find out more about Marilyn Manson. And then I found out, oh, that album you like, let me tell you, that's never going to, like, you're not allowed to, you're not going to be tweeting about that today. No, no. Yeah. You definitely, I mean, it's like, but it made me retroactively wish when I was a young gay kid, I had seen through the spook and been like drag. Oh yeah. That's what I, I was, I was into him. Like when the, uh, when his EP smells like children came out before he got super glam draggy.
And it's funny if you, I mean, obviously, you know, the cycle of music is so interesting that like drag is always factored in. Yeah. Like Poison, Whitesnake, those guys, they were doing more drag than Drag Race. T. Brett Michaels, not Brett Michaels. Dee Snider follows me on Twitter. Dee Snider. Tommy Lee. Brett, not Brett. Kiss. Kiss. Duh. Right. I mean, they're doing, they have more makeup than Trinity the Tuck Taylor has on, you know.
I have a couple more things to talk to you about. Please. Because I only have one with you today before our guest. Yes. And I haven't seen you in a while, so I actually have some good things. Oh, yes, girl. Okay. Oh, haven't seen each other in a while, girl. I missed you, girl. Oh. Oh, girl. All I want to talk about is celebrities with you lately. Have you seen the clip of Anne Hathaway taking pictures with fans? No. Okay. She gets out of a car and all these fans rush her. This is a two-part story. There's this one story where this guy, his thing is going up to pop stars and singing their music in their face.
And he does it all the time. And there's this clip of Billie Eilish seeing him and go, oh no. And she goes, I'm not going to sit here and let you sing at me, bro. So fierce. Love her. So fierce. I recently got, I recently sort of discovered her. I'm kind of late to the party.
Oh, she's that, she is that Oscar is deserved. That what was I made for song makes me cry every time I hear it's my favorite part of the Barbie movie was that song. I mean, I, this is, this is going to be the bridge between, um, uh, our episode and our guests, but she, um, so love it. Uh,
famously ripped off her song Bad Guy, the melody. And I was like, I watched the video, the music video for Bad Guy recently. And I was like, oh, oh, so little girl, little girl, you're a genius. Little girl, little girl. The lyrics. The video is, the music video is, or then. She has two Oscars. She's like 22 years old. Mama, the video and song for, what's the song? The sleep paralysis one, something a friend, bury a friend.
Have you seen that shit? No.
Fucking, you better go. You better take your bony ass out of that chair and go watch it right away. Miss Health Problem. Miss Health Problem. Miss Ill. Miss Ill. Miss Ill. Girl, not you. I'm not going to let you sing at me, bro. Love it. Love it. Love it. Oh, no. She goes, oh, no. And then she goes, I'm not going to let you sing at me, bro. She's like, I'm not going to stand here and listen to you sing, bro. She's cunt. She is cunty. So Anne Hathaway gets out of his car and everyone runs at her and she goes, everyone stop.
Everyone take a few paces back. I will come to you. There is no need to rush. We will do this one at a time. Thank you. Yes, Eileen, do it. She freezes them with her star power and goes...
There's no urgency. I see all of you and we're going to take these photos. And you don't have to swarm me for that to happen. If you come at me one more inch, I will take my claw and rip out your trachea and then stick it up my pussy. Annie Hathaway. I thought you would like that. Can you send me the clip? I'll send it to you. I love it. Annie Hathaway is so cuntiliciousdiva.com. I'll send it to you. There's another phenomenon on the internet that I have interest in, which is videos about
Military dads surprising kids who don't know their home. Like pranking them though? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. They, no, like the kid is, let's say, um, in class and the teacher goes, Oh, we have a special guest today. And the dad walks in, in uniform and the kid didn't know the dad was coming home from Iraq or whatever. Whoa. But my question is,
Obviously the mom knows. Porn? Oh. So the mom is going, no, no, don't tell him. Let's film it. I think that that's also- That feels fucked. That's fucked and also hugely humiliatingly embarrassing. Like, do you remember when we were in Salt Lake City and all the Mormon people are welcoming their people back from whatever? All are welcome. It was like, y'all are a cult. This is creepy. Although I would fuck all of you. I have Mormon underwear on today.
This is what they wear in the porn. This is what they wear in the porn. No, they're long. They're long. They're full body. Nice try, Annie. Stop. Blurred out. Take a breath. Yeah, take a breath. We'll do this one at a time. I have one pair of white boxer shorts whenever I wear them. I'm like, Mormon. I hope that the camera caught you at the back of your butt and it was just brown and red. Could you imagine? Shit and bloodstains. Shit and bloodstains. Now that I can't run, do you know how embarrassed I am with my lower body right now?
No, tell us. Miss Tiny Stick Legs? Miss Flat Butt? Miss Flat Butt. Miss Ill. Miss Fat Butt. Miss Tiny Stick Legs? Miss Iliot. Have you ever thought I was in bad shape before? Oh, shit. Well, but what about... Well, you know who I've been seeing? Yeah, yeah. We're not supposed to say his name. I asked him today. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Jake. Jake. Yeah, yeah. He's been doing what he calls restorative stretching. Yeah. And it's been very beneficial, but you know...
Okay, we got to wrap it up. I asked. In short. It's 38 minutes. Can I have five more minutes? Oh my God. Jesus. It's like we don't have a guest waiting. My other thing was why do twins look different? We don't have to do the end part. We don't have to. No, I want to talk about fraternal versus identical. Fraternal versus identical. Fraternal, identical, fraternal. Twins look different as they get older. Why? Well, sun damage. Diet choices.
Wait, what? Twins when they're born. Twin children look like twins. And then twins in their 40s, you're like, oh yeah, you used to be identical. But one of you took the high road or something. Well, there's, I mean, I think, I don't know. And that's the end of the pod. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
Well, do you know the difference? Yeah. Identical is identical. Fraternals, they're twins. Fraternal, the two eggs get split. Certified. Certified. Whatever. Fresh by Rotten Tomatoes. And in identical, one cell divides. Okay. Fierce. I didn't know that. Identical. So that's the difference. It's like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.
But there was, I, we had, our high school was just rotten with twins. It was like twins everywhere. Really? Yeah. You swing a bag and you hit a bunch of twins in, in, in my high school. Oh yeah. What, what do you think about like triplets? Cause that's fucking crazy too. Disgusting. But imagine if there was me and then two people look just like me around. No. Three times. That's too, too much. That's DTM doing too much. I would kill it. It. It.
Wouldn't let her reach, wouldn't let her transition to any gender. When you were a kid, did you wish you had a twin? No. I used to wish I had a twin. I thought it was so cool. No, because I, like I said, there was so many twins around and I knew they were no good.
Well, I think growing up my financial situation, I was like, I'm glad that I'm not a twin. And then my mom was like, let's have two more. And I'm like, well, you should have just had a twin bitch. I mean, also, I guess it exists. Paprika and turmeric or whatever. Paprika and turmeric, yeah. Coriander and olive oil. Thyme and allspice.
Yeah. Coriander and turmeric. Coriander and turmeric. B12 and fish oil. Whatever. I don't know. Johns Hopkins in Columbia University. Speaking of on my wellness journey, you know I'm Courtney Acton. I have vitamins. Well, yes. Okay, great.
I drink that AG1 every day and I take so many fish oils. So many of all that. That's great. That's great. However, and listen, I don't take this advice. I've just learned it. But it's better to get all your nutrients from food if you can. Yeah, I'm also trying to do that. Yeah, yeah. Green kale. Yes. The skin of blackberries. Oh, okay, my skin. Skims. Smoothies. Wait, wait, wait. Last, last thing, I swear to God. BMD.
See Pagetti. Oh yeah. I have had this. See Pagetti. That one doesn't really make sense to me. I'm not super, there's this girl on Instagram and TikTok who I am now completely obsessed. It is now a penetrating vocal stim, whatever you call that, that repetitive echolalia type of thing. I cannot stop saying it. She does, she's a Vietnamese and she does a hilarious TikTok where she, um, she speaks in this like out,
outrageously exaggerated Vietnamese accent saying like, I mean, I just, can I just play? Of course. Okay. It's, it's just, it's so funny. It's just so funny. It's like, she's just, it tickles the ear to hear like how somebody would pronounce hamburger if they're not an English speaker first. It is so fucking, I mean, it's, it's, it's so funny. I can't deal with it. I don't get that. She says, well, see, so it's, so there's a, there's an, there's no like, um,
Anything Succus is like, I guess there's like a, you don't combine those consonant sounds apparently. But I mean, interesting. It's like. Can you say these names in Vietnamese? Codco. Facebook. Instagram. YouTube. TikTok. Victoria's Secret. Netflix. Netflix. Do you get better now? Dion. CK. Converse.
It has like a bounce to it. It's incredibly music. It's kind of elastic. And her boyfriend's in the shower like going, no, it's so funny. She is so funny. But Vietnamese is a language I'm not at all familiar with. At all. At all. Wow.
You're joking. No, in Downsizing, she plays a Vietnamese refugee who she based on her parents. And she speaks with that accent the whole movie. Even in Thailand when I was there, it didn't, it sound, I mean, obviously different languages are different. Breaking news. Yeah, wild. B&W.
BMW. Yeah. All right. Speaking of languages, this next guest. Yeah. We're talking only in Spanish. See you next week. Okay. Bye.