Fruit is Nature's Candy!
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Oh, my TikTok. Do you want to have me, my little TikTok? I would like to talk about Madeline Ashton. Do you listen to me? Well, before we start, I am Trixie Mattel. I'm Katya. We're so very pleased and pleasure to have you here joining us today for another riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful. The Bald and the Beautiful. Yep. How are you, girl? I'm good.

How are you on this day? It's a beautiful 78 in Los Angeles today. Yes, it is. You wouldn't know that it's, it's 2-23, February 23rd. Now, typically in the East Coast of this country,

This is a time where the season is rotten and ragged. It's suicide season. Absolutely. Because winter really feels like it never ends. And it's the full, it's the ramp up. So like, you know, the holiday is over. New Year's is over. The novelty of the new year has long worn off. And then February says, here's this cold, icy dick. I'm just going to shove down your fucking throat, you bitch. Yeah, because once New Year's happens, you're kind of, and then you get one hot day randomly. You're like, oh good, it's spring. Yeah.

No. Wrong queen mama. Yeah. Wrong season mama. It's about to be the lion, the witch, and the wardrobe for about eight more months. Yeah. I mean, I remember I moved here to LA because of the February and March lockdowns.

It was like the snowiest. It was just inches and inches and inches of snow dumped on Boston. Yeah. After February, it was like, oh, you feel like, okay, maybe we're going to see the horizon soon. And then it said, no. Absolutely not. No. And it was, I don't, do you have any, do you miss the snow at all? Do you miss that stuff?

The cold you, is there like a winter wonderland scenario that you feel like nostalgic for or fond of or what's the deal with that? There is a certain circadian rhythm to the winter. There's a certain excitement that the winter creates when it goes away.

Okay. So it's like somebody like stepping on your foot. Yes. Like you say, oh, when they stop doing that, you feel good. You feel a little more like, yeah. Like in Wisconsin, because it's so cold when the snow melts, people are like drinking outdoors, shorts, going out every night, restaurant every night. You know, if you work in the service industry, you make more money than the rest of the year. Everyone's very wealthy in the summer. Everyone's spending money in the summer. Yeah.

Stores make more money in the summer. I mean, so I missed that aspect of it. But honestly, I was thinking of going home this month and I was like, it's really not even worth it. No. Wait till the snow melts. I'm sorry. Yeah. Does it get very hot there in the summertime? Yes. Unbearably. Yeah. And it's hot. If it's 80 in the daytime, it's 80 at night. It's so hot and humid at night.

One thing I find where you like sleep, you sleep with like your legs open with no blanket, just breathing with your mouth open. Cause it's just hot. Like you have to have several fans on you to, and you have to flip yourself over like a flapjack and the fans got to get the sweat stain. Totally. Did you have good circulation in that apartment I visited in Boston? What do you mean by circulation? I mean, did you have air conditioning? Oh no. Oh yes. I had a little putt putt on the wall unit. Yeah. A window unit, which is what I have now. That's what all I have now. I,

I just learned how to turn my heat on the other day for the first time living there a year and a half. Oh, wow. Maybe two years. Never had to turn the heat on. Although I got to say, it's one of those things where like I'm prone to the situation where like you settle for less and you just accept that. Yeah. And you don't you like normal people, I think would be like, oh, here's I'm I'm sort of like faced with this unreasonable situation in my living space. I'm just going to deal with it. They don't do that.

Normal people say, oh no, this needs to be fixed. How do I go about that right away? Do you do that? I will endure without asking the question of, should something be different? Should I have this? Yeah. Is this like a human right? Right. Is this something that is covered in my rent? Yesterday I was eating dinner and I was eating the Campbell's vegetarian vegetable alphabet soup with goldfish sprinkled in it. And I looked forward to it. I was saving the soup for a night when I really wanted to feel it. I saved the soup. I saved the soup.

I saved the soup. And you know what? I loved it. And my music producer called me and said, are you eating soup with goldfish in it? I said, yeah. And I waited for it. I should just be glad that you didn't douche that soup up your hole. That's how I normally eat soup. And then I poop out the mouth. No. So I turned on the heat for the first time ever. Unprecedented in my apartment, the heat. And I don't know that I love it because honestly, we had to light it. We had to light it.

We're going to light it. Is it a thermostat? You can set it? There's a thermostat, but then there's a very strange... There's this very prominent wall unit thing that involved a pilot light. Oh, it wasn't even lit. No, it wasn't lit. Now it's lit. But you...

Felt like there's a large chance. I was like, okay. I know something about pilots I feel like if you don't like them then that's bad or whatever and so I thought this is it when my you know Studio mate Andrews like pressing the button. I was like we're gonna this is it. We're going this whole buildings going up in flames. It's over Yeah, but it just it was a whoosh like we almost got caught ourselves on fire and then it was lit and then that's fine And now it's just a simple act of turning it on and off to adjust the thermostat and there's heat in the apartment But I just feel like there's no challenge now. I

Right. You used to have to bundle up. You used to have to have friends over just to breathe on you. I had two friends over recently and one of them said, can we turn the heat on? And I said, no.

I don't even know how. I said, I don't do that. This building built in 2006, I believe, central heat, central air. You can just set it at a temperature and it's always that temperature. That's incredible. And I will never go back. My old house over in, was like Beverly, Laurel or whatever. And they didn't have, a lot of these old buildings in Los Angeles don't have heat.

And then the landlord is only required to give you space heaters. So I would just have, if it's cold, 50 degrees at night, I have a space heater and that's it. I'm sorry. That's, I, two years I lived here like that. I don't mind it. I don't think it's a problem. I honestly, well, okay. So I retract that statement because I wasn't here for much, much of the time, obviously before COVID touring and stuff. But, but,

This past year, being home all through winter, I only needed it one week, I think. So I had a space heater that didn't work very well. But I just felt like, oh...

This is You know you put another layer on Faggy layers Yeah Faggy layered looks Tube socks Well I mean Don't you think that People in LA are often like Oh god I don't ever get to wear that You know That leather jacket I got from Jordache I just want to wear my camisole Yeah Yeah so that you know Scarves and stuff Hat put a hat on Although I was going to bed Fully clothed I'm talking like

I'm talking like a jeans. Like sweaters. Jeans, a shirt, a sweatshirt, and socks. Jeans? Sleeping in jeans? I slept in jeans. I was interested in finding new things. Things that I had previously found unacceptable, like wearing socks to bed. Now I don't care. I wear socks to bed all the time. Isn't that bizarre? Well, when I'm here alone, I like it to be kind of warm at night. Helps me relax.

I'm going to have some curdled milk before I read a book. You'll squeeze a lemon into a nice glass of hot milk. Yeah. And then, but then when David stays over, David's body idles at about 100%.

150 degrees. So I need it. I, he sleeps next to the big bay window or whatever. And I crank that shit all the way open because I need cold air blowing on him. So by the time the air passes his body, it's an acceptable temperature. Yes. It's cool. It's tepid. You don't find that. I love sleep. The only thing I like about the cold, cold, cold is the sleep is, is unparalleled.

It is just fantastic for me as a very warm person. I'm with David in this regard. I think I sleep deeper when I never get cold in the night.

Do you wake up chilled? Teeth chattering? Breasts perky? Like nipples? My nipples have cut through the sheets. By the way, I've had these sheets for... They're not Bold and Branch. Let me tell you. They're not Bold and Branch. I've had them for years. And at this point, there's... I don't know how I sleep. But at this point, there's Freddy Cooker slices going through the bed. Through the sheets. Holes. From what? I don't know. Night terrors. And David came in the other night and I was, you know...

No, I don't know. I had the marijuana. I had the marijuana. And he pulls back the comforter and the sheets have slits in them. And he goes, he looks at me and I go, I've been waiting for you to ask about that. And I laugh for about 45 minutes. I know what it is. You pop a half a milligram of that gummy. You put on acrylic nails. You file them down to points. And then you just go running ragged through your dreams. I asked Alexa to play the Sam Smith version of I Feel Love. And I stand in here and scratch my own bed. Yeah.

And what? You tape the sheets down to each corner of the bed. You get under there and you just go scratch, scratch, scratch. Yeah, I don't know what happened. The sheets don't even match. Long story short is-

No matter how quote unquote successful I get, there are parts of me that are so programmed to settle for less than standard quality of life. And that will never change. Yeah. I think that's good. It keeps you tethered to the sort of the real, the real world quote unquote. The soup I heated up wasn't even hot enough, but I didn't want to go back to the microwave. Yeah.

Now that's just lazy. We squared off. We already had our piece. You know, we set our piece. Do you wash them sheets? I'd love to expose you right now. I wash them, yeah. How often do you wash them? Not often enough. Maybe once a month. Okay. Is that gross? I think so. Technically, that is gross. Do you only have those? You don't have like an extra set? No. You got to rotate the set. You got to have three sets of sheets. You got to rotate them. Because apparently, and this is just the thing, you know, I mean...

You have to wash them. It is recommended to wash them twice a week. Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not kidding. Who is doing this? Well, people who have help. Let's say that. Or people who have a lot of time. Or people who have...

five sets of seats five six sets of sheets because i have three sets of sheets and i wash i i do them whenever i try to do them whenever i do laundry but sometimes that's once a month you know i have a set of guest sheets that are nicer than my sheets well yeah that i don't even use yeah i don't don't even like shopping though but you don't need to get any no no no would you ever would you ever get a cleaning help

Um, I thought about it many times. I thought about it when I walked into your kitchen. Oh, my kitchen. Oh, I have an update. So 12 monkeys, that kitchen is called monkeys. The kitchen is, um, the kitchen is very, very nightmare and Elm street. Um, very, um, gray gardens, sleepaway camp, sleepaway camp. It's, um, so I do, I think it's,

I'm a person who does not like... My kitchen sucks. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate being in there. I hate cooking food. I don't like looking at food. I don't like eating food. What's cooking for you? Cooking is anything that involves...

an appliance or a thing going on or a food item being changed somehow. So whether it's sliced or heated or cooled or you know what I mean? So when you turn food into poop, that's also cooking. Yeah. That's the name. That's my body. Yeah. Body cooking. No. So when you make like a Kraft mac and cheese, I don't like that. I don't do that. You don't do that. I don't like mac and cheese. Oh,

So the other day, my version of cooking was involved juicing. So I put a whole bunch of shit into a fucking blender. And I'm talking, I had- Because you got a ninja. No, I got the, the, the, the, the foods. The Vitamix. The Vitamix. And she's extremely powerful. She's extremely powerful. And she's here to show people that she's still got it. She does still have it. I, I put a whole rack of lamb in there. No, you didn't.

No, I put the pizza. The pizza came from Domino's. My cat who died, I didn't bury it. Straight in the Vitamix. I put the whole large cheese pizza with the box in the Vitamix. And the delivery guy. Yes, his hand. His hand. And I cuffed him to the chair. So that Vitamix, if you deranged a village of the damned, your white-headed son or daughter possessed you, could it take your arm off now? Absolutely.

Fucking really that scares me. The skin would be like, um, crepe paper, like a crepe paper or like, um, string cheese. Like the skin would just go like, um, just like yogurt and the bone, the bone would be tough, but it would get it. It would go. I mean the, that bone would be, yeah, I don't like that. It would really, if you took somebody's hand, it would just make mincemeat out of that motherfucker. Yeah. And I took, I did, I did a lovely weird, uh,

I've got to say it. I know it's probably boring, but I want to say it. Listen, this is Los Angeles. We are mostly white and we are here to talk about juices. We're talking about juices and ingredients and I'm going to list them right now. That's right. I want you to. I did an apple, Granny Smith, green apple. Two in fact. Two whole apples? Two whole apples. I took out the center. Bam, bam, four cuts. Just throw the whole thing in there. And then I did spinach. A lot of spinach. And then I went to juice two full lemons.

Put it in there. Strained it though. Strained it. No seeds. This is a big smoothie. Well, it was huge. It was the whole pitcher. Why did you go so big? Because I knew I wasn't going home. So I wanted to go big. You're not going home.

So big. So, and then two limes, squeezed them with my hands. And then I was like, I'm just going to, and I put blueberries in there. I don't know why. And then I put protein powder. That was wild. What you did was wild. Unprecedented. Unprecedented. Then I put collagen in there.

We got collagen from a sponsor. I said, what's that doing? What's up on there? Yeah. Put it in there. Yeah. Very strange consistency. I'll break up a prep and throw it in there. Prep. Women's once a day multi. Yeah. And, um, a flax seed, fish oil, whatever. And then I just kept going and going. And then I put water, some more blueberries. And then, um, the, the thing was the, I think the blueberries is really where I went wrong. It tasted so, first of all, it was very, very,

Fluffy. No, it was wet. Yeah, it was wet, but it was very, it was a lot of fiber. A lot of fiber.

A lot of fiber. Very fibrous. I hate this recipe. It was rotten. It came out a little light pink, magenta, kind of puke-ish. Oh, no. Very puke-ish. And I had to chew it back. And I had to like, I stuffed, I strained some of the juice so I could just really get that down. Not a great taste. Mary. Not disgusting. What kind of? Not disgusting. Miss mentioned seminary for girls, self-torture discipline. No, no, no. It wasn't torture. If you want to talk juice torture, we could talk about some real nasty ingredients. But we...

Okay. What do you think about the master cleanse? I think it is a form of self-harm. You think it's hogwash? I think it's a form of self-harm. Because I was reading about it and some people say it changes their lives, gives them clarity. And the doctors have said there's no way this helps you. No. It is a form of self-harm. Now, here's the thing, though, about nutrition and about cleansing and all that stuff. You'll notice that there are at any given time,

And I'm not even talking about fad diets. I'm not even talking about like the fad diets that come and go. I'm talking about fat diets. Yeah, I'm talking about big, you just eat fat. No, there's at any given time, there is so much information out there that could work or could not work. It could be great for you. It could absolutely run you into the ground. It's so individual with the diet, with the nutrition stuff. So for me, it's all psychological. What do you mean by that?

Like I love smoothies. Okay. It doesn't taste like health food, but it is. So I can meet you halfway. What's health food? Well, if I have a smoothie, it's an apple. It's a bunch of spinach. It's maybe some almond milk. It's a scoop of vegan protein or whatever. It's health food, but it tastes delicious. Yeah. So I'm being tricked. I'm enjoying it. Okay. But like the likelihood of me sitting down and eating a salad with those ingredients is not high. Okay.

So it's all psychological triggers. Because you're going to, yeah. Or at night, if I'm feeling peckish. Romans. Frozen bananas. It's ice cream. It's literally ice cream. Yeah, frozen fruit. Fruit is nature's candy. Fruit is nature's candy. Yeah. You ever, so why don't you side a lot with some frozen blueberries, put a little peanut butter in there. But let me tell you, after making my own smoothies, because I got that lovely Smeg blender for Christmas from my boyfriend, David. Thank you. Hi. Hi.

I have found out that the smoothie stores are highway robbery. Of course they are. Mary, they're getting $12 smoothies, $12, 15 earth bar. I'm, you know what? Earth bar in West Hollywood. I don't care. I don't care if I come in there and you go, didn't you come for us? And I say, yes, I did. Give me my skinny drink, please. Because those are 15. David and I go in there for breakfast, $30 for two smoothies, $30. Yeah. You're paying for the service. They live across the street from a grocery store. I bet they're buying food. That's on the brink of rotten, rotten.

Rotten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they freeze it. Yeah. So, I mean, because that's what fruit tastes best if you freeze the fruit. It's just crazy. Yeah. We got to open a smoothie shop because that's the real rub. No, but here's the thing though. My smoothies at that shop that we open will cost three times more because I value my time too much. You want me to make you a smoothie? It's going to cost $60. $75. Yeah. And I'm going to take 40 of that dollars. And I might even take a nap in the middle. Yeah. It's going to take two hours. You got to put that order in early and it's still going to be late. You might not even get it.

Honestly, I'm going to drink this smoothie once I get around to it.

Well, you're not really selling us when you're telling me that the smoothie you make is a pink. No, no, no. That was a fluke. I took a left turn and I shouldn't have done that. But the green smoothie I made was absolutely fucking delicious. Tons of fiber. It was fantastic. Did you ever get into them health shots? Like the cayenne pepper health shots? I do. I do too. It's a scam, a scheme. You think it's a scam, a scheme? It's an impulse buy at the health. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's okay. I like the turmeric ones. I like the ginger. I like the...

It's something that is, I'm less interested in the, whatever I don't feel is happening to my body, but believe that it is. Do you know what I mean? I want, it's direct benefits. I'm like, it's, it wakes you up. Oh, it does wake you up for sure. It's just, it's like, it's a lot. Yeah. We're going to take a break.

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And we're back. So smoothies back to the, back to the topic you all came to hear about. We're talking with this. This is the secret of beauty. We're getting, we're being vulnerable. Are you getting enough fiber?

Uh, how would I know? What are your bowel movements like? Very regular, very consistent because I haven't been drinking. Okay. Because of the running. Your body. Oh, that's right. Talk about bald and beautiful. This, this beautiful lady is, is snatched in high and tight. Yeah. I don't want to get into it too much because I don't want to be that person. You don't want to brag about it.

But I literally ran 16 miles on Saturday. It's incredible. I ran 16 miles. It's incredible. The week before, I ran from my house to Santa Monica Beach. Can I tell you, I was running for, I had to run for an Uber the other day. And I thought about you the whole time. You had to run for an Uber? I put the location in wrong. I was late. Oh, shit. I was late to go do a podcast. And I was like, it was the Boulay brothers. And I was like, they're so nice. Interesting they haven't asked.

Go on. They haven't asked me. I don't know why. Interesting. Probably because you're not scary enough. Oh, not ooky spooky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They want somebody who's had real brushes with death. They want somebody who looks like they might have a foot in the other side. But I run for the Uber. I didn't want to be late. And I put it in the wrong location. Who cares? Blah, blah, blah. So I had to run a block and a half. I couldn't believe it.

It was so difficult. And I want, I've got into the cab or the car and I sweated the whole time. I sweated the whole time. I was like, I had the window open. I was like just pouring sweat. Yeah. That was a block and a half. Yeah. I mean, I've been training since maybe September, September. Uh, no, I was running early in the year, but I started training, training like September.

And I will say the other day when I was running my 16 miles, around like mile nine, I got a phone call and took it and kept running. And I went...

I just ran almost 10 miles and I comfortably talked on the phone for a while and kept running. That's incredible. Can't believe it. I'm on it. I'm on it. I'm on it. I'm turning over a newly fitness wise. I really want to get into long distance running. What's my training regimen? What am I doing this weekend? No. Cause it's endurance running. You're going to have to, I wonder, honestly, honestly, truly. Well, let me tell you this. I went on, I went to, I went to, um, that deep Creek fantasy with my yoga teacher and,

And he does not smoke. I'm a heavy smoker. Mary, we fucking crushed that hike on the way. It was so difficult. All uphill. Really? It was like doing the hard part of Runyon five times. And it was like in a row. And it was just like hill after hill after hill after hill. I mean, a comical amount of incline. And we did it. I wasn't lagging behind. We were right there. So my point is...

I'm not quitting smoking, but what do I do? Well, it's not speed running. It's endurance running. And your body doesn't respond to anything quickly well. Right. So it's all about starting slow. Okay. So what do I do? Run a half a mile? Yeah. Like you could start your first week doing like 15, 20 minute length runs probably every day or every other day. That's too long. No, it's not. Okay. 20 minutes. You can probably burn out like a little two miles comfortably. Are you out of your mind? Two miles in 20 minutes for me?

I guess maybe not to start yet. But there are people who run a mile in like five minutes. I know. That's the peak of physical fitness. I think we've talked about this. Bryce from the pit crew. Yeah, he's insane. Ultramarathons. 100 miles. I mean, that brings on mental illness to me. It's a form of self-harm in my opinion. Which Trixie Mattel would not ever trivialize mental illness in any way.

Thank you for that. But I think running 100 miles is some kind of self-flogging. Yeah, it's self-flagellation. I'd sooner clip off a toe with some gardening shears. More efficient, quicker and easier. Quicker and easier. And certainly less painful. But I realized at 31, finding my place in the athletic community...

Finding a sport that I actually like. Oh, that's good. I wish I had found it about 10 years ago because I let my internalized homophobia and fear of straight men make me feel like I couldn't really participate in sports.

Okay, sports in general. Okay, but running. Running is a sport. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you think it's faggy for you to run or because you're a fag and you don't want to? I understand what you mean. Well, no. Like the obvious sports that aren't running was like, well, I'm not going to go try to befriend some straight guys. That makes me uncomfortable. But running is basically antisocial. Solo, yeah. And extremely good for you. Sure. I wish I would have found that like 10 years ago. You can do it anywhere. You don't need much gear. You can do it in the sand at the beach.

You can do it in the sand and the beach. Yeah. I love, I love activities that don't require any gear. Hello. And on tour, you don't have to bring anything.

I would. Oh, okay. I would love to. You said you had mentioned that you would like to get into a little bit more weight training because you all you've been doing is running and you want to like firm up. Yeah, because at a certain point kind of plateau if you don't build your muscles. Right. I've got the I've got the workout for you. Murder. No, it's four sets of it's only 20 minutes. 16, 16 minutes. Change your life. What is it? 16 minutes. It's four sets of Tabata intervals.

In a row, no break. So it's in four-minute chunks. So during four minutes, you do 20 seconds of high-intensity activity followed by 10 seconds of rest. Eight times in a row. 20 on, 10 off. 20 on, 10 off. 20 on, 10 off. So you rest for 10 seconds. That's four minutes. Then you do another one. So I did push-ups. 20 seconds.

10 second rest. You do that eight times. By the eighth set, you're fucking cooked. Then, sorry, I did pull-ups first. Assisted with a band on the pull-up bar. Well, and you're a nurse. Yeah.

I have two small women like propping me up on each shoulder. Yeah. But you do pull-ups. Then I did push-ups. Then I did two sets of abs. I have never been more sore in my life. Wow. 16 minutes changed your life. Did they get you together? They got me together. Well, you know, I've been, also I've been like, you know, trying to stay inspired. So I was like, you know what? I used to read Men's Health every day. Remember when I used to talk about Men's Health all the time? I still do. I don't know what this is in the past tense. But I stopped reading it for about three years. Okay. Okay.

And the other day I pulled up my iPad and I said, I want to get back into men's health. I'm going to see if I can still subscribe. I don't want to subscribe anymore. I've been subscribed. Oh, yeah. You've been... I was going through the article... How much money have you been getting those whores? Girl! I was going through the magazine saying, wow, this preview is really long. Yeah.

And then I went and went, I've bought every issue automatically for about four years without really realizing it. Oh, like you had like a subscription, like a magazine subscription. How much is a magazine subscription a year? It can't be that much. It's probably $15. $40? $40 for the digital version? I mean, it's not even paper. Oh, it's not even paper? Oh, it can't be more than $20. It can't be more than $20. $20. $20. $20. $20. But I love to see the men on the front of the men's fitness. You ever yank it?

I need a little more than a guy in some gym shorts. You do? I need a, I need fear factor. You ever just draw the dick on the shorts and to kind of fill in the rest with your imagination? No, but sometimes when I, I do like to read about the cover person and what they did to look like that.

Cause you know, sometimes it's people, it's usually Hollywood actors training for a role. They play like a Navy seal or something. Yeah. And it'll be like, all right, I, my 4am I'm up having four hard boiled eggs. Yeah. For, you know what? I love, okay. Listen, remind me to buy some eggs by the way. I absolutely will. You know what I love? I am obsessed with these stars, these celebs who talk about their, Oh my God, I ate 17 pounds of chicken every day. Just plain chicken. They,

They conveniently leave out the part where they don't talk about the testosterone and the HGH that they're taking. And the food that was professionally prepared for them. No, professionally prepared by Emeril Lagasse. They're not pan frying it. And they're all on fucking steroids. Every single one of them. It is impossible to go from Bob Regular to Joe Jacked in like six months. It is impossible. You cannot do that with just chicken at 4 a.m.

Well, do you know Kamal Najani? It's okay. Steroids. Well, he said, part of why I wanted to do this was to show that without Hollywood level help, it is not achievable. No, of course not.

It's not. You got vitamins. You got doctors from Beverly Hills shooting you up the butt with all kinds of stuff. But like if you're Henry Cavill and you get cast in Superman, I bet you can write into your contract that they pay for your personal trainer, Mary. Oh, that's always... You know, we know celebrity personal trainer Jason Wimbley. That's always in their contract. Yes, we do. Hi, Jason. He's often paid by the studios. So somebody's got... So the studio will hire a trainer to whip Anne Hathaway into shape for Batman or whatever. And yeah, yeah, yeah. It's all paid. It's all paid for. But I'm telling you, even with the funding, even with...

everything halting in your life to a screeching halt that you can just focus on that you still time is the enemy you can't get a body you can go from like regular to ripped in six months without a little bit of hormonal help well especially since the you're cutting out the the action of gaining weight and then losing like Sasha Bell was talking about the gaining and losing if you're cutting all that out you can't

You can't grow that much in that time without a little magic. A little magic. Would you ever do a little magic? Well, so it is, you know, this is actually a relevant discussion being here because every man. Evelyn. My name is Evelyn. Evelyn, yes. Every man who comes to LA is faced with the kind of hard reality that all gay men are on steroids.

And, um, you think, well, yeah, they are. I mean, many are the men at your muscle. Here you are. Go to the gym. And it's, yeah, many, everybody's on a cycle or is everybody's coming off a cycle or going on a cycle or whatever. It's so common. I don't think, um, I mean, it's not legal. A lot of times what's, what's happening, the cycles that people go on are, are,

Black market or off, off the, what do I know? Under the table. Off-Broadway hormones. I'm doing off-Broadway hormones. Um, yeah, that's great. I go to the stage door. But I've seen with my own two eyes, the, the wild and like crazy mood swings. Some of the side effects of these cycles are like, they're pretty, Oh yeah. Like what? Like you, um, you know, they talk about roid rage. Yeah. There's, but there's like insane, like, um,

Mood swings. Like you just become... You kind of... You're getting a little crazy a little bit. And I've seen... I've been at... I was at a party a couple years ago where this guy, though I knew was on a cycle, was like... I was just looking at him. He was like on the floor. Just everybody's talking. Writhing. He was literally like...

You could see like, it was almost like it was the colors would change in his face. According to the moods would just kind of wash over him and come in and out. And like, he would go from like really engaged to completely despondent and then totally like animated and almost angry. And then it was like, just he was nuts. Was it so bad that if you didn't know he was using, you would still clock it? You would say, what is wrong with that guy?

Right. And not on any other drugs. I knew for a fact, but anyways, it also scrambles your insides depending on what kind of like, if you do the, depending on what kind of like regimen you're on, it just can have a lot of like detrimental effects in your inner.

Internal organs. Interesting. Yeah. But people want, it's the time thing. People ain't got time to wait to get ripped and jacked because everybody was jacked yesterday. I feel like with drag, we're a little exempt because of course I want to be fit and thin, but I can't be blocky and masculine. No, you couldn't, you couldn't gain 50 pounds of muscle and still be Trixie Mattel. No, no. Although Varla,

Yeah. CrossFit daddy of your dreams. I know she is such, it's so. The listeners are like, who the fuck is Varla? Who the fuck is that? She wasn't on Drag Race. I don't give a fuck. Oh, she's dead to me. Fuck her. I'm turning off this podcast and I'm unsubscribing. Yeah. If you guys don't follow her, follow Varla. And if you can clock her out of drag, her Instagram, it, she really is CrossFit legend. Don't even say CrossFit. I would say bodybuilder. Well,

She's got the bodybuilder body. During the nighttime, she's in drag at the theater. And during the day, she's outside the theater. She has her CrossFit set up outside the theater permanently. She's out there. What do you mean CrossFit? Like a whole weight training set up? Like weight training, the bars that you hang on and all that. Yeah, she is jacked up. Jacked Tina Aguilera. Yeah, totally. And yeah, it's amazing. But I don't know. She's a jacked hairy daddy. She wears those big baby dolls that come up to her neck and go to the wrist. She's full coverage. We're going to take a break.

And we're back. You're pretty disciplined though with your fitness. If you truly wanted to change your body, you could very quickly because you don't care about food that much. No, that's my benefit. And once I get a bug in my ear about something, I become very, very myopic and focused on it. But I've always said this and I think like you have to, I don't understand. I just, I don't want to like, when people are like, I hate to move my body. I just don't get that.

I don't understand that. There's not anything you can do that's fun? There's got to be. I think it has a lot to do with the way people feel about people seeing them move their body. Absolutely. Okay, I agree. Yeah. For a lot of people, they don't hate working out. They hate going to a place where other people are working out and then having to do it in front of them.

That's fair. That was explained to me by somebody, a friend of mine who is plus size, who was like, I like working out. I just don't want to go do it in front of people. You don't understand what that feels like. I do. Yeah, I get that. I've never been that size. I've been sizes where I don't feel like taking my shirt off, but like that's different than...

Well, here's what I, but so this though, I, it's not even, if you take out the body shame part of it, it's also like, I don't want to go to a tumbling class where I'm level one. Yeah. And they're level 12 or whatever. I feel like I'm bad.

Or, you know, or like if I had bad technique or I'm just starting out on something, I don't want to make a fool out of myself. So there's that as well. I want to start Michelle Kwan. I'm going to start Michelle Kwan and graduate and be Nancy Kerrigan the whole way through. Yeah. Yeah. But no, it's also I'm not going to the gym. Gym is, I don't know, one of the least fun places. Well, it is nice because for some people, if you have a home gym, it's hard to commit when you're like.

Gym mode and home mode is it's hard to like cross those wires. Yeah easy. I have a I have a hack for you. You ready for this. I don't have a home gym. OK. I do have I have a very I have the four by four feet or something. I got the mats and stuff. I have a pull up bar. I have some free weights. You don't even need any of the weights. The pull up bar is great. You can hang.

But bands and stuff, very, very minimal setup. I'll put my sneakers and my little shorts or leggings on and I'll change it to a gym shirt. I will leave the house. I'll come right back inside and I'll go to the area.

What? Yeah. I'm not joking. I'll leave the house. I'll maybe walk 12 or 15 steps. Lock myself out. I'll live outside for three months. I'll come right back in with a purpose. And I have my water and I'll have my protein shake. Maybe I'll go get it later. And I go right there. I put my headphones in. It's party time. Interesting. Interesting.

Or you can go into another room and come back. You don't have to leave the house if you don't want to, but you have to get out of it there and then go in there. And I hate working on it. I mean, I love running. I hate working out at home. I have the good, good. Then I have a mat with the weights and I put the Peloton on the TV and it's fine. Yeah. But the golds is too, you know, not to give away my address, but golds is around here. And it's like, well, then I go there and then I feel like, well, I'm not going to be here and play on my phone because I just want to do it and leave.

So it's almost like switch into gym mode, get it done and leave 30 minutes later. Goodbye. You know? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm telling you 16 minutes was changing. You're yelling. You're screaming. I really want to do the Tabata with you. I really want to do it. You just want to see me puke. No, you're not going to puke. You're not going to puke, but it will, it you, every exercise goes to absolute muscle failure.

But that's the only way. Like the people at the end of the marathons running and they look all crazy. Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle jelly and then pee and poop in. Pee and poop in. And not even aware because your brain is so scattered and your eyes are crossed and you're ready to just collapse in a pool of pee and poop. My music producer Nick runs marathons and triathlons and he said one time he was running and he was like, I couldn't figure out what a smell was. And I looked up and the girl in front of him had poop running down her legs. She didn't do the diaper? No.

Or just stop to poop. Yeah. Or say, listen, maybe this is crossing it. This is there. I've crossed a threshold in my life where I'm going from physical fitness to self-harm. You're not a bad athlete or a bad person. You pooped in a toilet. Right. Yeah. You're not. Exactly. You're not cheating. You know, I want to be the person who fucking pinched a huge loaf in my, my squeakers, my sneakers and squeakers at

the end and I want to be showing it off at the end of the race like didn't shit yourself oh not committed I see and as I walk away just rabbit turds falling out of my no you've done it you've gone even the distance you have sewed pockets into those running shorts but

before the marathon because you knew you were going to fill up each pocket with lots of turds. Or I'm running and the turd comes out, I reach and I grab it and I throw it off the track. I'm throwing it at other competitors. People who try to throw water in your face, you throw a turd in their face. Oh my god. No, no, no. You just dunk the turd right in it. They hold out the water cup and I go, thank you and I pour it in there and I try to flush the cup and it doesn't flush.

I just don't think it's worth it. I think it's okay to stop the race and poop. It's okay. It's absolutely okay. What are you doing it for? What's the goal? Also, here's another thing. Listen, I have a... Nothing is a means to an end. Think about this. Think about this. Think about this. Nothing is a means to an end. What if you are... You're Gal Gadot. You just got cast in Wonder Woman. Well, Gal, but yeah. Okay, a woman named Gal is playing Wonder Woman. How funny is that? Gal is a woman? I've never heard of something so funny. Okay.

So Gal Gadot. And so she's got six months with Jason Wimberly. A grueling, torturous, just nothing but chicken 4 a.m. First day of shooting, she gets killed. What a horrible way to waste six months. No. No, I'm saying that's if that happened. Yeah.

Six months gone. You don't want to, you can't suffer with six months. But you're going to look great at the funeral. Maybe. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Good point. But then, you know, where's the quality of life? Well, for me, when I die, they're going to weekend at Bernie's me at like a Deb as like a floor model. And so I'm going to look really gaunt and it looks so stunning. Yeah. And I'm going to be holding a handbag. Yeah. And they'll have styrofoam turds coming out of your running shorts.

Listen, here's my bald beautiful lesson. Make sure that your beauty routine or your fitness routine is not a means to an end. And that's for real. You have to enjoy to some extent. You have to be able to drop into the present moment of whatever you're doing. Because if you're just torturing yourself for the end result, you're never going to be satisfied by that. Or even if you are, you're going to spend most of your life in torture. Well, not to sound like Mr. Woo-woo, but when I used to run to try to be thin...

It wasn't mean to an end. You get fatter. Well, no, because what is run to be thin mean? There is no goal. There is no accountability. There is no way to track it. It doesn't mean anything. But running with the consciousness of the distance, the time, the pace. Goals, ambitions. That changed everything. The weight loss happened faster because I wasn't in it for that. Does that make sense? Yeah. But as a person who was never athletic, that was not clear to me. And then they say in the runs, they say,

Think about what you want to get out of this. And I think with fitness, it's just like, what do you actually want out of this? Is this because you want to feel better about yourself? Do you want more energy? Do you want to fit a certain outfit? Do you want like, what do you actually want of this? And then there's some real, like there's a real finish line to that. You know what I mean? Yes. But I will say that when nebulous, like why you work out to be hot, that doesn't mean anything. No, no. Right. But you got to be careful though, because you,

When the human mind and the body travel at very different speeds. So by the time that your body has actually made some progress, your mind will be way over, way beyond that. In that, like, oh, like if you look out on paper, like, oh, in the last six weeks, I've actually like lost a few pounds or gained a few pounds of muscle or become my endurances. Your mind is already adjusted and moved on. And unimpressed. Unimpressed. And like, well, yeah, but whatever. But I want to be over there.

So like, you know what I mean? Like your mind will never be satisfied. That's a really good point. That is a losing battle. Always a losing battle. You just have to accept that comes with accepting wherever you are at the moment. Again, because the happiness is not in the six weeks from now. Well, by acknowledging what you want to get out of it though, it's the only way to track that you did it. Yes, totally. Yeah. You can still have goals to be hot. Doesn't mean anything. No. Doesn't mean anything. Anyway. I think we've said enough. I think we've said enough. Yeah. I think...

I'm going to say something that I hope is going to read me. Yeah. For somebody who has maybe some issues, I think your relationship with your, with fitness is always like very intact. Do you know why? Raised right. But the fitness, my fitness family, my dad, my dad. Yeah. My dad was a fitness icon.

You know what happened to me? Ray's wrong. My mom called me the other day. My mom, diabetic. She called me. She goes, so I made this recipe. It's butter, flour, sugar. Anyway, the recipe said better than sex chocolate. And I didn't think it was that good. But it has been a while. My mom said that to me on the phone. Oh, my God. Better than sex. Thanks, Val. Thanks, Val. Thanks, Obama. What about Val's emails?

Cheers. Okay. Bye.