Dead Teeth & Golden Showers with Sarah Schauer
49:07 Share

All right, welcome back to another riveting episode of The Bald and the Beautiful with Trixie Mattel, Katya Zamo, and a wonderfully special guest today. We have got to close that door. Oh, you didn't have to do it. I'm sorry.

The incredibly helpful and beautiful Sarah Shower. Sarah Shower, everybody. Hey, guys. Happy to be here. Do you incorporate a lot of shower puns into your act? It's not like I want to. They just kind of come up. They happen. My high school nickname was Golden Shower because I was blonde. But a lot of people called me Golden Shower. People didn't know that my last name was Shower, so they just thought I was the person who liked being peed on. Oh, piss girl. Yeah.

Piss girl. Yeah. It's like Lava Girl, but piss. Do you know the song, Shower the people you love with...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's a great song. Shower the girl in that golden piss, baby. You're going to have a talk show and it's going to be like, in the shower with Sarah Shower and it's going to be you just lezzing out. Or golden hour with Sarah Shower. You know what I mean? I'm going to do a YouTube video where I recreate Olivia Rodrigo's Sour album, but I'm going to put shower on my tongue.

Oh my God. You know, she, okay, I'm just going to talk about it. She asked to come on my YouTube channel a few months ago and I was like,

I don't know who that is. I just want to do my own thing right now. Who? This one? Olivia Rodrigo. You're talking shit about me in front of me. Olivia Rodrigo. She has to come on my channel. And she's extremely famous. Yeah, literally two weeks later, number one song on the planet. And I was like, on the planet? We just had somebody on the pod that neither of us really knew. And it was a weird experience. Yeah, it was traumatizing. I don't want to say it was, but it was somebody we didn't really know. And it was just a weird vibe. I was like, oh, I don't want to have people I don't know anymore. I'll say it. I mean, he was a nice guy, but so it was...

But I was under the impression that somehow he was a fan of us because stranger things have happened. And so it's like, oh, cool, I guess, sure, why not?

Very quickly into the interview, we realized he has no idea who we are. And this was set up by PR people, of course. But I liked him, so at least that was present. Yeah, you really shouldered the burden on that one. I was like out to lunch. I don't think he even knew which one was Trixie or Katya. Is he the guy who does the impressions of people? No. He's in a lot of very famous movies like Scream. Game of Thrones. No.

He's in Scream. Have you ever seen Scream? No. Okay. No, I mean, I don't know how...

You've never seen any of the scream movies no, I'm too afraid of scary movies. I'm a real smell strip right now. Oh my god Wow do you have you seen any movie um? Shrek no yes, I've seen Shrek we have Shrek like posters in our house. Yeah, but like cute. They're not ugly What's the last movie you watched um?

Don't watch a lot of movies. I don't watch a lot of TV. What do you watch? Do you listen? The other night we didn't watch Jennifer's body and it was still so good. I've never seen that I Haven't either I Act like it's the godfather. I love him in a cypher - I love her and Megan Fox. I mean the fucking party the

The heavy-handed lesbianism in that movie. Is it just Dyke City? Amanda Savereed, very nervous, kind of like a pretty good girl. And then her friend is the hot, hot Megan. Let's go to a bar and have drinks and party slow. And she obviously, the subtext is like she's in love with her best friend. She wants to be a lesbian with her. And then her friend turns...

Demonically evil just a killer so she eats does she eat people and then she eats men and becomes like invincible for a few weeks Until she has to feed again. So she's like kind of a vampire-ish character. Yeah she gets sacrificed. Wait does she suck their blood or just eat them? Eats them. Like scenes of men cut open and her pooling their blood. Oh, that's great And then the next day she has like a lighter up to her tongue and it's not burning and she's like I'm a god

It's so hot. Wow. Yeah. It's like PCP. Sarah, this is for your YouTube channel. You watch it and then you talk about it. Just, yeah. But I don't know how to, okay, yeah, I'll do that. Is it, you know, pieces of Jennifer's body, that whole song. Is that in some way, is it based off? Got it. Yeah. Okay. The whole song? Do you know the band Whole? No. Oh my God. Okay. I don't know. I only listen to like pop music because like my brain doesn't like register anything else. I only started listening to Whole like a year and a half. Is Whole pop? No.

No, it was sort of. Alternative. Do you know who Courtney Love is? Yes. Okay. Courtney Love's band, female fronted rock band called Hole. Okay. And their album Live Through This is absolutely just fantastic. 90s female angst. She's the lady who killed that guy. No. No, no. JFK. No. JFK.

She was on the grassy. No, no, no. People, I will say, the media hypothesizes that. There is a conspiracy theory about how, yeah. She was with Kurt Cobain, Kurt Cobain who passed away from drugs. And I recently saw her at Starbucks. If you ever just go back, listen to like whole celebrity skin album. Live through this. Live through this.

Violet, the song. I mean, it's such a, it's iconic. When did I become the age where I'm like, I remember being, are you 24? I'm 26. 26. I remember being early twenties and having old gay men be like, what do you mean you haven't seen? Oh yeah. Yeah, exactly. So simple. Mary. Yeah. I'm that person already. No, I'm just like uneducated. Like,

Like it's like I don't listen or watch anything. It's like it's not you. It's me. And if you haven't listened to Hole, you're uneducated. I am. And you're a bitch. Yeah, I didn't finish college. You should die. I'm happy you guys are here together. We have always said that...

Brittany and Sarah. Yeah. You are the Sarah in this. Yeah. So it's like, thank you. And I'm sorry. It's fine. No, I feel that because I'm the older one. And like, but the thing is, is like, I'm non-binary, but like when I, like people who are perceived as women age a lot faster than like men. So I'm basically a 60 for me.

Yeah. Wait, people who are, wait, say that again. So since I'm non-binary, I'm not actually a woman. Okay. So I am perceived as a woman though. Gotcha. And if I'm perceived as a woman, like people think I'm like 60 years old. Got it. Totally. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I understand that. I mean, Michael Douglas is 115, but people still think he's 60. Captain Zeta, who's 12. 12. Yeah. I can't stop telling you this all the time. I just,

Sarah is so beautiful. Whenever you're here, I just can't stop looking at you. Yeah, you have a perfectly shaped face. No, it's so round. It's like if you folded it hamburger, like it would be like my forehead is like the same like size as like my lower face. Or you could say Fabergé egg. Symmetrical, Sarah. It's just the use of a metaphor or whatever. Fabergé egg is an expensive Russian collectible antique. Okay. Super sought after. Gorgeous to look at. Rare. Beautiful.

You say hamburger. I was thinking Easter egg candy. Like you hold me in your hand long enough, I'll melt. Well, that's also true. I think we've got self-esteem issues. That's also true. I have poor self-image. You guys are always, and people always comment that you guys are the... Oh, really? Because you guys are both, you know, hardened. Yeah, grizzled, ornery. Grizzled, mean, dark-sided. Although, honestly, we have a similar deadpan personality.

You deadpan. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm very, very deadpan. I would say Brittany's more animated, but I wouldn't, you're not very. She's a screamer. Yes, she is. She's a screamer. How do you live with that person? Well, she like, we're on opposite schedules. She wakes up in the middle of the night and like, I basically drug myself to go to sleep because like, I can't sleep. I've considered like roofing myself to go to sleep. You could. Yeah. Because I just have like. Propofol. Propofol. Yeah. Michael Jackson. A doctor would put him to sleep intravenously every night.

Isn't that fucking insane? I love it. I think it's chic. Very LA. It's certainly very expensive. Very LA. Honey, at 7 p.m. I have dinner and the doctor comes over and I'm out like a light. Sedates me. One episode of Murder, She Wrote and I am gone, honey. Oh my God. Literally an anesthesiologist puts him to bed. Or dead. Dead. Put...

Yeah, he's dead. Why don't you sleep? I have ADHD, so it's very hard for me to sleep. Okay. Just to leave still even. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can't sit still for even that long. When did that manifest, ADHD? Did you get diagnosed? Yes, I got diagnosed. It was in high school. Yeah. But my parents didn't want to diagnose me because my parents, my mom's a doctor, but she doesn't believe that any of us are mentally ill. So I had to wait until college to get formally diagnosed, but it explains a lot. What kind of doctor is she? She's an advanced trauma life support doctor.

An advanced trauma life support. Like ER doctor. Okay. Yeah. Okay. People like Terry Shivo. People like fresh physical trauma. Yeah. She used to be in the military. So like she's seen a lot, but then she like retired and now she's doing civilian stuff. And she's like, it's just, everyone just has diabetes now. Cause she was used to people getting shot.

- Oh, so she's like, y'all flops don't know what the real pain is. - She was like, it's kind of boring, 'cause people are just dying. - What's your mom's name? - I don't wanna, I can't. If I say she describes her patients as boring for having diabetes. - Oh yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Does she ever come home and you're like, I mean, I would think with a job like that, there's some days we were like crickets, and some days you're like, oh, I really worked for the money today. - Yeah, I reattached 14 legs on a school bus. - Yeah, bloodline everywhere.

blocked out most of my childhood but she is an amputee she got part of her foot crushed off um and she was like hobbling around in the desert and she was in so much pain like she laughs when she's in pain so like she was just like lost in the middle of the desert in the middle east and like her foot had been like partially crushed off and she's laughing and then like a humvee pulls up and they're just like hey what's wrong with you hi bobby hi karen you want to go for a ride sure karen

And that's how the band Aqua started. I'm a Barbie girl with a crushed up foot. So now I don't think that you're her. Now I think your mom is her. Yeah, totally. While I was giggling because I couldn't see the foot. And I thought, where'd it go? Hi. So you guys are on opposite schedules, you and Brittany, because Brittany's the 4 a.m. on the toilet, two camera with no makeup on. I'm being like, yeah, yeah. The TikTok from the unflattering angle. Yeah. Can we take a break?

Today's episode is brought to you by Angie. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs and projects done well. Let me tell you, there's the version of it where you try to do something at home and then there's a version of it where you have someone help you, you watch them do it the right way and you go, thank God I didn't try to do that myself.

I have fully done things around the home that I think look good and then a bang in the night and I wake up to a shelf collapsing, a painting falling off the wall. Like it, I've seen it all go south. I own a home and I can tell you, I know how much work it can take. Whether it's everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now all you need to do is Angie that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.

Whatever your home project, big or small, indoor or outdoor, you can Angie that and connect with skilled professionals to get the project done well. Right now, one of my wish lists is I want a bike for my condo in Milwaukee and I would love to rig it up on a pulley in the ceiling because I have one of those like lofted ceilings.

but I'm so scared to try that on my own. Angie has 20 years of home experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app. Answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can take care of any home project in just a few taps.

Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu. Mama.

Oh, the door. Sorry. I was just like, you're out in here. Sarah works here now. Thank you, Sarah, the door woman. Unpaid intern. Unpaid intern. Featured guest. We know that me, her, and Brittany are a content house because they live two blocks away. The TikTok house. We're a TikTok house. You're a TikTok block. Yeah. What about the TikToks of the women? She's the TikTok of the old woman changing all the outfits and the clothes are like flying across the room. When I said that's you on TikTok.

Have you seen it? No. I don't watch. I can't watch TikToks anymore. I don't have the emotional bandwidth. I don't either. I just do Duolingo and that's it. Dulapeep. How do you Dulapeep? Apparently. Dulapeep was on TikTok. You just watch Duolingo? No, I do it. Oh, okay. Obsessed. Obsessed. $10 a month. I've been trying to get an endorsement. They're not interested. Oh, really?

But they sent me free swag like I give a shit. Well, no, I do. Thank you. Thank you. But like, I mean, I have a shirt, two shirts that I can wear to the gym. But you got to do it. $10 a month. It's actually free with ads. But if you can, you can issue the ads with $10 a month. Any fucking language you want to learn, bitch. I'm talking any language. Even Navajo. Endangered languages. Yes. And High Valyrian from Game of Thrones. Fake languages. Are you serious? 100%. I wonder if they have Ojibwe. I don't know.

Andrew Yang. The campaign. She's trying to run for mayor. I'm not interested. Okay, we're taping this during Pride Month. I have to ask, what is your relationship with Pride Month? Do you live? Are you living for the girls? No, because I kind of want to say something. You're hosting YouTube Pride. Yeah. I use hashtag lesbian in my most recent video and my views got cut in half. So thank you.

Not very proud, is that? I don't know, but like I use hashtag lesbian, hashtag lesbian couple, and it didn't notify any of my subscribers. Like I think it like I can't watch it if you're under 18.

So I'm just like, it's not porn. It's just me and my partner. It is. No, lesbians. Your partner is very attractive. Everything you do together is porn. I'm sorry. It's not porn to you, but, you know, Jack and Jill are at home beating the turnip. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's your partner's name? Emily. Emily. I saw... She? They. They. I saw a video with Emily and you, and she had a mustache on. Uh-huh. You just said she. It was hot. It was so hot. Yes. So I was like... The vapors. I'm...

Every time I see really chic, cute, like lesbian women in adorable, like boy haircuts and boy clothing, I'm like,

what the fuck am i here i don't know i don't know because especially it's often that the hair is there i mean a haircuts a mac gorgeous head of hair with a i mean a perfect hairline almost too far sickening fade yeah like an amazing yeah gorgeous stunning like cameron cameron esposito always has like this incredible quaff that's just so and it's just how strange women feel when they're like when i see you in drag i just feel like uh like you know what i mean wait

But you know when women are like, your boobs are bigger than mine. I'm like, yeah. I can't believe you're more gorgeous than I am. And I'm a real girl. Your boobs are better than mine. I'm like, it is. Yeah, but also, like, call me in four hours. Yeah.

When it's the Crypt Keeper. Emily has like massive boobies. It's insane because they wear like a binder and stuff. And like the only time I don't know, I'm like femme and they're like mask. And every time I see them naked, I'm like, holy shit, your knockers are massive. It's insane. Is that what you're saying? Like, you know, when you see someone go straight to your girlfriend's knockers. Oh, I was thinking we weren't talking about jugs, but your boobs are bigger than mine is what you said.

Oh, no. I'm talking about like sometimes women will be like, you boobs are bigger than mine. Is that what I'm saying when I'm going? Oh, my God. Her men's outfit and haircut. I can't even compete. He's saying you're more of a cute guy than I am. Than I've ever been in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your partner's very beautiful. No, I love when Emily wears like... They're called boobs. Do you know what that's from? No. Okay.

I'm so sorry. I'm stupid. No, no, no. You're in Rockabitch? No. It's a Julia Roberts movie. I've heard of it. Do you know who Julia Roberts is? Julia Roberts is the Emma Roberts aunt. I know who Julia Roberts is. She's in Pretty Woman. There you go. She's a beautiful lady. She's a beautiful lady. Beautiful lady. She's an attractive girl. Yeah. Stunning diva. No, yeah. So my partner wears like a lot of mustaches and like beards, but they're all mascara. So like if we want to kiss or something or other stuff, it has to be waterproof.

Oh, yeah. They're drawn on. I wore a mustache to Katya's birthday. So gorgeous. Sleeper hit of the season. I felt so burned at the runway. I wish I had a mustache all the time. Also, there's incredible photographs from that night professionally taken and paid for. And there's one of us in the bathroom when I'm fixing your corset. And your butt looked...

looks incredible from the side. I didn't share it because I was afraid of cancellation. Sure, sure. I mean, yeah. No, it looks, I mean, it's a great photograph because it's you, me and Orville and it's like, what the fuck is going on here? I'm in this like Mr. Slave lingerie set like this. How's Bunny with a mustache? Yeah, and he's in a fryer tuck

wigs fully sweated through my gray shirt drenched. Tying my corset and then Orville staring at us. Yeah. Watching us. It's such a beautiful. Why would you get canceled for that? Because it was, well, everybody was vaccinated, but it was like a month ago. It was a large gathering. Oh, just say it was like last weekend. No, it was a birthday. You can lie to people? Well, it happened. Look at that camera and tell them that you're a liar. I love lying to people. Yeah. How do they do it?

Sorry, I think there was a misunderstanding that event that happened a month ago actually occurred two months in the future 16 years ago. No, I Did you so good and nobody recognized you nobody but now I'm like it's never gonna happen But I'm like in a parallel life. I was some sort of person on a go-go box and with a muscle boy and women's lingerie yeah, like that guy who was at the party who was in the little dress and

What's his name? Austin. Oh, David Mason. Oh, my God. I've never seen a big macho person wearing slutty female clothing. Yeah, it was so fierce. And there was three of them, actually. There was Austin Avery and Porphy, two porn stars. But that's how I feel about the girls in boy clothes, too. The girls in mustaches. I'm like, work, bitch. Especially if it's like...

I mean, your girlfriend has a beautiful face and then it's just this mustache drawn out with pencil. Yeah. Like a John Waters mustache. Oh, yeah. Amazing. I love it. Have you seen Just One of the Guys? And if not, you've got to go see it. You never have. I know, I know, I know. What's your favorite movie? The one with the dinosaurs who are- Jurassic Park? Land Before Time.

Is that a movie? It's a cartoon. Never mind. How about live action? It's an animated film. Oh, wait, no. I haven't seen that. What about actors in live action? Any live action movies? I can't remember people. I'll give you a minute. Look awful.

You know, let's just go down that road have you seen Clueless? Yes. Okay. Have you seen clue? Yes the original with the yeah. Yeah. Yeah Oh Have you seen Citizen Kane Like in like film class and like college I'm credible. I haven't either. Oh

I don't want to either. Have you seen, that was a great podcast. Which movies have you seen? Have you seen Jawbreaker? No. Witches of Eastwick? Is that the one with Vanessa Hudgens and there's like all on spring break? No. That's Spring Breakers? Yeah. No. No.

Jawbreaker is Vanessa fucking Hudgens. I know. I wish. The Princess Switch 15. It's Rose McGowan, Rebecca Gayhart. It's three girls. They kidnap their best friend on her birthday and they gag her with a jawbreaker as a joke and she chokes on it and dies and they have to hide it. It's a dark teen comedy. It's Heather-esque. Have you seen Heather's? Yes.

I feel like you'd love it. Yeah, the one with the lady from Stranger Things. Wynonna Ryder. Yes, she stole things. This is why. It's so, I mean, boomer, boomer alert, boomer alert. But I just, it's funny how you have different references because you're 25 years younger than me. But the thing is, it's like my brain doesn't work. Like, it's not like, if a normal person would be able to answer these questions, I just can't remember people's names off the top of my head. No, there's no such thing as a normal person, so don't worry about that. Yeah. You know, yeah.

You came in this house with a full head of hair, a beautiful bead of makeup on. Perfectly winged eyeliner. Yeah. You said you're old. You're irrelevant. You're ugly. You're disgusting. I'm going to kill you. Give me $300. Here's your Postmates. This is the bald and the beautiful. We normally ask this question at the end. We forgot to ask Jeff this. When did you know you were beautiful? Her face. God.

I feel like that's an appropriate response to that question. Let me ask this. When did you ever first... Do you remember when you first looked in the mirror and you were like, okay. Okay, so I was really hot in high school and I was also really hot in college. I think in college is like when I... She has a story. I got like the top sorority is when I realized I was like hot, hot. But then like everything went downhill when I gained...

Wait and started everything Like drinking and smoking And drugs Right You were not a great big But we're not gonna go down that road You smoking cigarettes nowadays? I like to But not like Yeah baby Let's smoke them My The teeth My teeth We're actually here to smoke Yeah I can do We're gonna take a cigarette break baby You're just here to smoke Yeah But my Teeth in the back Rotted So I had to get them all pulled And so From smoking? Yeah No no no No no no Not just smoking Other things And grinding my teeth Thank you Thank you Okay

Look at all these back teeth. So there. I mean, this is an anomaly though. Yeah. Medical mystery. However, however, it's the fluoride in the Marlboro water, public water system.

Oh yeah. Work. Lovely tap water. Kept these. No, so your teeth fell out. All of them. Um, they didn't fall out. Like, okay. So it was gross. Cause I started to like, you know when you have like dead teeth and they smell, I burped and it was like almost like disgusting. This is disgusting. I was talking about, remember? Dead teeth. Sometimes dead is better. Yeah.

- But it is a fetid, it is a death smell. - Yeah, it's like rotted. - It's like a gray mist comes from the mouth. - And so when I moved to Los Angeles, I wanted to be a lesbian, and so I couldn't make out with people if I had dead people in my mouth. So I had to get all of them pulled, and it took so long. It was like 15 dentist visits, and they kept pulling teeth or filling things in. Or my retainer fell out, and it was stabbing into my gum, and it grew into my tooth.

And so I had to get that like surgically removed. So, okay. So when they pull out a tooth, they yank it out. Yeah. Do they replace it with a kind of a bookmark or do you get an implant or? Yeah. The ones in the back are like fake. Implants. Yes. Okay. You're getting implants? Yes. And those are, yeah, those are expensive. They are. Yeah. Almost 2000. I mean, I don't want to call you. The $2,000 to pop almost. Oh, I don't want to tell your business. You recently got the cool sculpt on the neck. I did. Talk about it. Oh my God. Okay. So I.

I like didn't think it did anything because I still have this. But like last year I was like my face was so round and then they like froze the fat on my neck. With what? It was like just. A freeze ray. Yeah, it's like a freeze. What the fuck do you think? Bags of frozen peas. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Batman and Robin. With a neck brace. Pshh.

It's like a like a freeze. I don't know it looks like a back massager But it freezes it and then they switch it on either side they strap it to your face for an hour and then the most painful part is that when it's all frozen the lady comes in and she massages it and it feels like someone's stabbing you in the neck but like all the like the fat basically went away after like six weeks and I'm gonna do it again and I'm gonna have a fucking incredible job I want this cool sculpting do it. I am very I can't live like this

Get the bag, sis. Get the bag, sis. That's fascinating. I'm deeply suspicious of those kinds of procedures. It freezes the fat cells and they die and your body excretes it, basically. But fat cells don't... They shrink. You know what I mean? They shrink or they expand. They don't really...

Yeah, but you can flush out the number of them that you have. Yeah, it's like when you get frostbite in your foot. The toes actually die. Oh, we're just dying neck. Yeah, the fat in your neck dies. Sarah woke up and looked in the mirror and said, I'm going to be hot and my neck is going to be dead. Dead neck, bitch. Yeah. That's intense. Yeah. May I ask how much that cost? You can say it off the air if you want. Like a couple thousand dollars. A couple thousand. But her high school reunion is coming up in two years. She's going to go in there. It's actually next year. This big. The neck is this big. She's like...

Clock the profile. Clock the job. I graduated in 2012. Okay. So you're going to go in there and let the children have it. Are you famous now? Um,

Some might. There's only one person I would want to actually meet at my high school reunion because they're like Twitter famous now, but I don't know anyone else. Meet them in the parking lot and then go home. Trust me. I was supposed to go to my high school reunion. I missed it, so I'm very envious of you to be able to go and let those whores have it. What is the look? Full hair and makeup? Yeah, look like a raging lesbian and like super successful. Extensions. Briefcase? Extensions for sure. Briefcase? No chin. No. Go in the most Los Angeles they've ever seen.

Super tan. Get your neck done six more times. I want your neck to look at your wrist. Get my eyes dilated. A toothpick balancing on like with a... Eyes dilated. Yeah, just have those like big like glasses on. Eyes dilated. Yes. Brows glued down. Huge teeth. White. Huge teeth. Yeah, double stack veneers.

And then corset and just walk in and go. And like, no one will notice. But I want you to enter like drag race and pause and say a catchphrase. Yeah. Fuck is going on. Like, hi, everyone. Still a les. I don't know. I don't. It's less offensive. Short for lesbian. I love the hey, Les. I love it. Yeah. But you know what? I'm 60 years old and.

Is that your... Just a statement. Basically, we're asking for you to speak on behalf of the entire Women Who Love Women community. Yes. And let us know if it's okay to say Les. On behalf of all Gen Z queer identifying people, is it okay for me to say Les? No, yeah. As a millennial, I like to speak for Gen Z. Yeah. Are you a millennial? Yeah, I was 94. Shit, I am too. I'm the last millennial. We're as young as she is.

Yeah. Of course. Apparently. You're a geriatric millennial. I'm an old millennial. Yeah. I'm the... Tree people of the millennials. Your grandmother willow. Grandmother willow. I'm Whistler's mother. Yeah. Totally. No, I am a millennial because I was born in... 82?

I'm not a boomer. What comes after that? Gen X. Oh, fuck. That's why I know I'm a writer. This is going to sound really stupid, but I remember, like I say, Grandmother Willow, when you followed me on Twitter was a couple years ago, and I said, I'm turning 25, and I'm going to disappear into the wood and braid my skin into the bark of a tree and become Grandmother Willow. And that was the tweet that you liked and then followed me for. Yeah, because I love that. And that's exactly what she did. I mean, that's like...

That's why that makes sense now that you would think that we're similar because that's very yeah like oh, yeah That sounds like a good time. Yeah, I will do that too. I would believe you were 18 years old Thank you. Don't you think she's kind of you have she you have this like perfectly beautiful like Faberge egg face And Sarah came on the channel and she did a self-care video where she had no makeup on

So brave. Beautiful story. So brave. Question. Do you miss Vine? No, I don't. Because it was like, I don't know. It was like just six seconds and everyone kind of like left towards the end. Fucking sick. I thought it was seven. No, it was six. Six. Yeah. What's the formula? Just like a punchline. The only thing I liked about Vine is it did produce so many like sound bites that I think of a lot. Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Postman. Yay.

Remember that one? No. I was thinking like Free Shavacadu. Free Shavacadu, of course. What's that? What's Free Shavacadu? Someone read this sign. It says like fresh avocado. And he was like, Free Shavacadu. Free Shavacadu. Also, Road Work Ahead. I sure hope it does. That's good. That is good. You're ugly. You're disgusting. That could have been a vine. Yes. The guy. Do, do, do.

The clarinet on the stripper pole. Oh, I was thinking the guy who's like, I'm a cowboy, baby. Oh, I'm a cowboy, baby. So these are memes. Yes. They are now, but like they were, now they're probably decade old vines. Proto memes. It actually would be kind of cool if like Duolingo did like memes, you know? So you learned like how to say free shivakadu in Spanish. They do. Oh. You got to download the app. It's $10 a month. Could save your life, Sarah. If you were going to move, if you were going to learn, learn a little. Trixie, what's wrong? I'm just kidding.

If you were going to learn a new language, what would you learn? You wake up tomorrow fluent. German. Good. Yeah. Spanish, America's first language.

I think it's just German is so fun and my parents speak German. German is so fun. You know like when your parents don't teach you like the language that they speak. Yeah. No. No but I understand that that would be like why didn't now I'm mad for you. Your parents could have just given you that for free while your brain was so mushy. For free. Oh my God. Isn't it crazy how like baby's heads you can like shape them. Fontanelles mama. Soft spots in the skulls. I'm so mad they didn't give me like an amazing jawline. You could have just like

They didn't teach you German. They didn't fuck with your head. What did they do? Neglected me. Damn.

Damn. You have a superpower tomorrow. Teleport, uh, teleportation, telekinesis or telepathy. Which one would you do? Um, telekinesis is the thing you can pick up. You can move stuff with your mind. Um, probably teleportation. Cause I steal a bunch of stuff. Oh yeah. Bank robber. Yeah. By the way, I bet you'd use it to go two blocks to pavilions. Yeah. Pavilions.

Go to France. No, I'm just going to go to the grocery store. I'm going to look for a store. You've been really open on your channel and everything about like therapy and stuff. How have people, have people been bullying you online? It hasn't. It's just like, I don't know. People have been bullying me. No, they're just annoying. They're like purposely obtuse, you know? Purposefully obtuse. You could say the most like,

I don't know. You could talk about your life experiences and they're like, this is a great take. And then they give their input as if it's like a hypothetical situation. And that's what pisses me off. Wait, wait. Say that again. So like, since like the teenagers online only learn about like LGBTQ stuff through like Tumblr and stuff, they don't have any real life experiences. Gotcha. So whenever any actual gay person talks about their experiences, they're like, this is a great take. As if you're like an example problem. As if you're living critical theory or whatever. Yeah. Oh, that's patronizing and annoying. And it's just,

and also like people, if you're not a dude, people talk to you like the dumbest person in the entire world. Right. Yeah. The shit that fucking women and that they get on, I mean, on the internet especially. Yeah. Just any woman who ever just like presents a fact

presents an opinion or some kind of piece of data is immediately discounted and challenged. Like it could be literally a Nobel Prize winning physicist and some dude would be like, well, actually, it's like, yeah. Crazy is that like, so I don't do like body positivity stuff. I just do like jokes or like talk about like serious topics and they're like, I love seeing my body type represented. I was like, why the fuck do you need that? Have you ever said that to a male comedian before in your life? They're like doing like a standup set. I love seeing my body type represented.

It's like when we say we need represent like more women in STEM, we don't need like more fat women in STEM. We need more women in STEM. Imagine going to like a scientist and being like, I love seeing my body type represented in the in the chemical lab. It's like, no, it's just what are you doing? Well, I also like I mean, for me as a gay person to like, I don't need it to be gay.

Something can be the other in a situation on TV and I can make the connection. I can fill in the blanks. Yeah. I see the X-Men and I see myself. Yeah. I don't need it to be a white Native American bald gay man who does drag for me to be like, finally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, good luck because you're never going to get it. Yeah. Like a little empathy goes along.

Or identification. You can kind of, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's funny. I love the whole like, I love those like, so the bravery of being fat in public. You're so brave. Oh my God. When I don't wear makeup, my YouTube comments, since I have like such a dark under eye circles, they're like, you're so brave for looking like that in public. What an inspiration. I'm going to kill myself. Well, even the shit I do. I like add another name to my suicide note. You are inspiring.

You are in the intro paragraph of my suicide note. What is the suicide show? Dear Evan Hansen. He's the 14th reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dear Evan, 14 reasons, Hansen, love Simon. Was it 13 reasons that the person committed suicide? That's what the show is about? Yes. I only know it because, what's his name? Dylan Minnette? There's like the main guy and he's in the band Wallows and I love that band. Oh, yeah, that guy. And then I saw him in a commercial. I was like, is that the guy from Wallows?

Oh, he's apparently a famous actor. Is he a gay? No, he's not gay. Well, he's brave anyway. Can you accept that? No. Oh, man. What's your favorite color? I love a lull. I love a lull in conversation. I love somebody I can be comfortable around, Sarah.

By the way, Sarah, when you said we went to Buffalo Wild Wings, did you mean Dive and Busters? Yeah. They're the same thing in my head. We went to Dive and Busters. It was so fun. I'm sure it was. Actually, me, you, the three of us, and Brittany, that was my first meal out in over a year at a restaurant. Rocco's. Rocco's. Yeah. Yeah. First meal at a restaurant in over a year. It was thrilling. What? Rocco's food is good. That pizza fucking, I wanted to shove that pizza ass. I know. I did. I almost ate it when I shit out of the toilet the next day.

Actually, not almost. We're taking a break. I did. Can we take a break? Yeah. We're taking a break. Great hip mobility, honey. You've been doing Taibo. Thank you. Oh, remember Taibo commercials? I remember Taibo classes. The man, what was his name? Billy Blanks.

Yeah. There was an exercise routine or like an exercise. It was a fad. It was a fad. Yeah. Yeah. And it was about like a rope full martial art, aerobics and martial arts. Essentially. Tybo is full martial arts. It was like, um, like boxing, Richard Simmons boxing. Yeah. Do you have a pepper spray? Uh, no, but I have a taser. Oh, fierce. I have one too. And I'm so scared of it. I love walking down the street and like, just like setting it off. Yeah.

Have you ever... Have you ever... Tased anyone? Yeah. No. Do you feel like Selena Kyle when you have it on? You mean the singer that got shot by... No. I'm talking about Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns. Oh, um, Hairspray. Do you like the movie Hairspray? Um, yeah. Yes. Hairspray's lit. That movie's great. I mean, I wouldn't say John Travolta's my favorite thing. No. And that movie...

The costuming and wiggery in that movie is amazing. No, I love like identifying famous celebrities by like the CSI episode they were on. It could be like Tom Hanks. I was like, oh my God, you were on like Law and Order SVU, right? Or the American Express commercial. One time one of my friends ran into Reba McEntire and he was like, oh my God,

You were in tremors. And she goes, she was like, thank you. So you're the only person who ever recognized me from that. So thank you so much. She was like, I'd humored that he wasn't like, Oh, you're Reba. Right. You were in tremors. Well, it's a deep cut. Yeah. What would you say your tremors is? Yeah. Um, I'm not like famous, but like, so like, I've been like recognized a lot, but like one time this girl came up to me and she was like, Oh my God. And I was like, vine. And she was like, you fell off the treadmill at the gym. And I was like,

yes I did because the power shut off and like I couldn't see anything and I fell and I was like you're like the only person who knows me from that it's not even like something that was filmed I just fell I fucking love that that's great she saw you fall off a treadmill at the gym in real life but it was like years earlier and so I thought super biased she's like you fell off the treadmill when the power shut off and I was like

Oh my God. I did. That would be like if someone came up to me like, oh my God, you were misgendered in Mrs. Charles fourth grade class. That is sickening. I love that. That's a great refreshing kind of encounter. Yeah, it is. Do you have a driver's license? I do. It's from South Carolina though. Do they have the same rules? Yeah, you can still drive with it. Can you pull more than six axles? Do you know what I mean?

Class C. Yeah, I can drive lumber around and a motorcycle. What's your favorite car? Dream car. The one that... The Batmobile.

I don't know. Ford F-150? Sure. I love, I drive a Dodge Charger, so I look like a cop. It's like an old cop car. That's, that's a, that's a... Oh, Charger, yes, it's a hot, hot, hot muscle car. That's like a, that's like a chase people down the street and kill them car. That's a hot car. Yeah, but it's like, everyone like slows down around me. My registration is so expired that it's the color of next year's registration. So like, it was...

Whenever someone gets behind me, it's like it's from a registration from 2017 and it's green and the 2022 is green. And now I'm like, it looks like I'm ahead of the game. Yeah. A broken clock is right twice a day. Totally. You've really waited it out. Yeah. That's a really smart technique. Yeah. Wait it out and you'll be right. Yeah. Celebrity crush. Every six years. Um, I don't know people's names. Um,

I don't know. You? Who's your celebrity crush? Thank you. Oh, you didn't say me. You were saying I should say mine. You guys are hot. Donna Karan. Donna Karan. I don't know. It's always like a fleeting thing. I don't know people's names either. I watched the newest Saw movie. Spiral. Spiral. Chris Rock. Any good? Yeah, I was going to go to the movies. I'm glad I didn't see it. Horrible. Embarrassing. I was like, Samuel L. Jackson and Chris Rock are in this? It's this bad. And he produced it.

Is he the Saw guy? No, he's like the cop who's like the main character. And it's just, it's just bad. I'm so done with cops. I was addicted to Mare of Easttown. And, you know, it's like a small town detective. I'm enough with the cops. Enough with the mythology of cops. Let's move on to something else. Do something else. Do my brows. Anything. Yeah.

Construction worker. But anything. Anything. People love cop shit, though. It's the mythology. It's a huge myth. It won't go away. But is being a cop anything like what being a cop is portrayed as in television? It's tons of paperwork. It's tons of bureaucracy. It's beating people of color. And it's like boring and violent and horrible. A lot of heart disease. Yes. Yeah. I asked my brother. My brother went to a police academy after he was... Convicted of murder? No, he had the army. Oh, okay. And he was like... And I was like, are people...

Are people who go to be cops all racist? He goes, a lot of them, yeah. And he goes, a lot of them just want that job because they just want a gun and they want to feel like they're in charge of things. He was like, I went to cop school with a lot of shitty people.

Yeah. No, yeah, it's like nurses. And I thought he was going to tell me like, no, they're not alike. He was like, oh, no, they are. Yeah, you think nurses are fucking angels? Nurses are like the female cops, you know, because they have power over people and they want to be depended upon, but they just abuse it. Nurses are, it's like the worst profession for people get treated like shit. Yeah. I mean, my mom's a nurse, I know. And she's a fucking cunt bitch. She's been beaten. She invented the game. Yeah. No, but she's,

Well, back in the day was you were a nursery teacher. My aunt was a teacher. My mom is a nurse. You had two options. You know, it was 1875. People hadn't invented drag yet. Yeah. One last question. Oh.

If you were stranded on a desert island and you could only watch one porno on a rickety laptop for the rest of your life, which would it be? You don't have to describe a particular one, but maybe a setup. There is this like homemade, like lesbian porn that I keep returning back to. It's just this girl eating her girlfriend's like pussy. I was going to say. Why are we home? What? I've seen it. Well, no, it's just you can tell.

You can tell it was like shot like on their phone because it's vertical and then there's like black all sides. And I'm like, this is great. This is nice. It's just because the audio is way too loud. And it's like really like you can like immerse yourself. Drop in. Yeah. But I was going to say two girls, one cup. I told people that I was in that video and now I can't escape it. I was I was five when it was filmed. But like there are two videos that I wish I had not seen. That's one of them. What's the other? I'm not going to say it because I don't want to get fucked by the horse.

The jar. There's three videos. Yes. Now there's three and yes, those are all the ones. Yeah. Have you seen the jar one? I haven't, but I've. The guy squats on a jar and the jar breaks in his ass and you just see so much blood come out. You see drips and then you see shit. Here's my drag race audition. And I got it. Well, I got it.

Sarah, thank you so much for coming on the pod today. Thank you for having me. You are a woman of grace. Oh, not a woman. Sorry. Can you let the children, look in their little eyeballs here and let them know exactly where they can find you. You can find me on YouTube as Sarah Shower or TikTok or Twitter or Instagram as Sarah Shower. It's just shit posting and it's not good. None of it is good. No, it's excellent. It's incredible. No, you could definitely like look at my Twitter and diagnose me with BPD like immediately. Is that borderline personality disorder? If TikTok was more like your TikToks, I would like it.

Just disturbed. Funny. Funny. Funny. Witty. Inviting. Thank you. Thoughtful. Provoking. Clever. I loved you guys. Gorgeous. Well, I've loved you guys for like years, so this means a lot. We are real. This doesn't feel real. Well, it is. None of it's real, honey. It's all simulation. Oh, yeah. Did you used to watch Un? You told me you used to watch it. Yeah. I remember on TimeHop in 2016, it said, I posted something on Instagram. I just paid all my bills. And then in the background is your guys' show. And I was like, holy shit. This is so crazy. Ah.

Think I'm gonna watch it when I'm if you know God willing I in 10 20 years. I'm gonna rewatch it I love you watching the back of your eyelids in a wooden box I'm springing for a box. I'll just be a Ash in the water Wet mud

Cover me in pig shit. It's a wrap. Bye. Bye. Bye, guys.