Banned From Studio 54 with Trixie and Katya
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I saw your mom. The apple doesn't fall far from the short fat slut. It's like not even a good read, but it's so percussive. I love that. Before we start, can we talk about the material? Yes, please. I wish we would. This is a lovely blouse that is available to purchase. Does it come with a slamming upper body? Yeah! Big bulging bi's and heavy tri's and delts and traps and pecs and serratus and...

Are the men treating you different now that you're John Cena? Hell no. Because I still look like Harvey Fierstein up here. You know? Yeah. No. No, they're not. But I'm treating myself better in the mirror at home. You look like a Lego person that they put one of the female wigs on. Yeah. Totally.

Because Legos are without gender. It's just wigs and hats. Yeah. Oh, and I learned recently about you can Lego your between me down there. Lego? There's a thing. It's called... Fuck, I can't remember what it's called. But so it's a form of body modification where you get a Ken doll or you get a Barbie crotch and there's just a little...

for your urethra. Ding dong. Ding dong. Uh-huh. And then you... There you go. Work. Yeah, work. Work dish. Have you ever seen people who bisect their penis? Bifurcation. Yeah. What do you think about that? I found out about it way too early. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a bit...

I've been aware of this for too long. I saw a video of someone jerking off. What is the word? Bifurcation. Bifurcation? Yeah. Bifurcated. I saw a person with a bifurcated dick jerking off. And because the dick is halfway like, okay, this is your dick. And then, you know, it's that at the end. The cum still shoots out of just like a healed little hole. So it's this with cum shooting out the middle. It's a little bit sub-zero. It's morphin time. It's a little of that.

It's very Mortal Kombat. I also saw a guy in Grindr once who has a cut in half tongue. Yeah, that's the big one. Lizard tongue. Is that cool? Would you fuck a guy with a cut in half tongue? I don't think that, I mean. I think I could do the tongue. I don't know if I could do the penis. Yeah, it's strange. I mean, I could definitely go through with the sex. It's not going to like turn me off mid-sex to like, ah, gee whiz. But it might influence my calling back.

Yes, I'm very open-minded. Yeah, like I think my kink is going along with people's kinks Sometimes yeah, so like as long as you're not asking me to do something wild. Yeah, like I'll go along with a I have a question Have you ever run across a guy who okay people like to be puppies, right? I have no interest in that but have you ever run across somebody's really hot and they want to sleep with you, but then they're also no, I

Sorry, this is hypothetical. This is for all the hot girls out there. Somebody who's way too hot for you and you're like, yeah, I can't believe this is happening. And they're like, okay, great. I like to be treated like a dog. It's mostly not sexual. It's mostly dog-like. And it's like, I can't do this improv one sort of like yes and for too long. So the funny thing, it's not my experience, but it is the experience of several friends of mine who they explain this exact scenario. It's not puppy play though. It's voice. Yeah.

It's shit. It's always shit. It's always shit. It's always shit. Well, I think it's geographical because we've talked about it before then in Los Angeles, especially. Anal is kissing now. Mama, anal is like a hand shake. It's like a post-it. When you go to the gay bar, they check for your vax card, your ID. Yes. In LA now, it's the full. I'm going to tell you something right now.

And this is, I love the grotesque. I love, I have a morbid sense of humor. I have a morbid sense of everything. I love. Yeah, we've seen you in drag. Yeah. The lovely bones. In drag, you are the lovely bones. Just so you know. I recently saw a photograph. Uh-huh. Of a person. Of a person's between me down there. Uh-huh. There, there. I would say. Who would play her? It would be.

Sauron from the Eye of Sauron from the Lord of the Rings. Okay. This is an asshole I'm talking about. Okay, that's there between me down there. It's the backside. Sauron. The person live as a female or male? This is a male. But are you familiar with that eye, the evil eye on the top of the mountain from Lord of the Rings? Is it kind of like the portals in Skyrim? Big, vertical, almost like fiery gashes. It is a free gash. Okay. That's also a bouncy castle.

So it's a fiery canoe. It's a fiery kayak. Is it butthole tissue on the outside? I'm going to tell you. Okay. That I wish I hadn't seen this photograph. Oh, wow. It was so, it was so disruptive. No. It was so disruptive to my... Don't say that. I'm familiar with extreme photography.

I'm viewing extreme sexual acts like fisting and gaping and then rose buds. It's not my taste. It's not my jush. But I've seen that kind of stuff. I've even seen extreme ones where girls push out their whole rectum and then the other girl chews on it. I hope you're not eating at home. I have to show you something. Go ahead. Okay. But I saw this person's hole. And I say hole very loosely and liberally. Look at that. Pun intended. I love that.

A woman biting a cock. Foreskin, though. No, that's the head of the dick crush. Oh, that's the... That's the... Between the incisors, mama. What happened to that person? Chimmy chomp chomp. They did not go to the farmer's market the next day. Not unless it was wheelchair accessible. Chomp chomp chomp. Beautiful teeth, though. Jackie Jorm chomp. Yeah. I didn't mean to interrupt your story. No, no, no. It's okay. That's not my way. It's okay.

But I'm just going to tell you that some... So, oh, but, but, but, but. It was... So this thing that I saw that I wish I hadn't seen, it's like, you know...

It was, I then learned that something I had previously seen that still haunts me is nothing to be afraid of. That two girls, one cup thing. Most of the scat stuff, that's not shit, Mary. It's fake. It's fake. It's peanut butter. It's stuff. It's food products. They douche. They get their holes clean and then they insert food items. Oh.

Oh. And do you know- Twix bar, whatever? Do you know- Twix bar, Snickers, whatever, you know, Ho Ho, Almond Joy Mounds, whatever, anything. Nutella, Krispy Kremes. So the girls are like normal actresses, porn actresses, and they're like, all right, as long as it's not real, I'll go along with it. Because the cointina is probably better. All that crap in the mouth. It's all- Most of that scat stuff is- That you see on the porno. It's all- And do you realize I went-

I was like Florence Pugh at the end of Midsommar. I was so happy. Now you're on board. I was so happy. It made me so happy. It gives me like community theater's production of Sweeney Todd. What? Like heavy handed, gruesome, fake. Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't know, mama. I didn't know. You thought it was all real. That hatchet wound. You thought like two girls, one cup had to be real. Yes. I guess I thought it was real. Not to be like corrupted, but I assume there were some kind of fake there.

Oh, see, that's... Can you lick feces on camera and not gag? They did gag. And they threw up. And they threw up into each other's mouths. And they threw up again. Sorry, listeners. This is disgusting. But... Not to some people. No.

Okay. To the average person, absolutely it is. But you know what though? Maybe it is disgusting. That's part of why they like it is because it's like pushing a boundary. Of course, yeah. If it was normal, it wouldn't be hot to them. Right, yeah. Eating a grilled cheese in Santa Monica Piers is not exactly like a thrill ride of adventures, you know? But then the hatchet wound, that was real. What is a hatchet wound? This was a... Do they cut something? No, no, no, no, no. This was a blown out cow pussy.

This was a person? This was a hole that was... A woman? A boy. A man. Yeah. His butthole was blown out. So blown out. It looked like... Like a rosebud? No, it looked like... Who would play her? I'm telling you, Soran. I'm going to show... I'm going to bring it up. Can you show me a picture? I'm going to show... Yeah, I'm going to Google it right now. I've looked at a lot of different types of porn that people shouldn't probably look at, but it's not because I need to find out if I'm into it. I just need to know it's out there.

Okay, but that's what I bought. Why was it vertical and not a hole? Because it's a gash, Mary. Cut open? Stretched? Ripped? No, stretched. Ripped. No, it's a gash. Vertical gash? That's what they call it. Because the anus is so dilated over time. And then the tissue of the anus is sometimes actually pumped. They pump it to get it.

It's red. What would I search for to find it? I don't know. And I don't want it. Can you tell me someday? I'll find the picture and I will somehow figure out a way to send it to you without looking at it. Because I love. It was shocking. While people are doing Dr. Pimple Popper, I'm over on Rotten. You know what I mean? It was shocking. Yeah. And I mean, I've, you know. I love to get high and watch acne videos, adjustments. I was at my bar in Milwaukee this weekend and I met somebody who was from out of town. Nice looking guy.

Maybe 40 beautiful man doctor and he was like, oh I um a chiropractor. Is that a doctor? No, he's like I do adjustments. Yeah, like oh, do you know about like viral videos of these like, you know It's very LA to have a microphone next to your back. I'd be like one two Yeah, and he was like, yeah, he's like it's not really like that And yeah, he's like if somebody has a real problem at a doctor you usually adjust it to

quicker and quieter than that it's more like for show yeah yeah yeah the theater of it but it's the same as like the kim k vampire facial when you get a vampire facial they spin your blood until the plasma separates your plasma is not red so when people take pictures and that was just people take pictures at the with blood it's because the the aesthetics nurse is like well let's keep some blood in it so the instagram picture looks more like it's a vampire facial but you really shouldn't be red at all should not be blood on your face

Isn't that weird? Yeah, that is weird. People are always asking about that. I'm like, it's not blood on your face. I want to get that. Also, I get to get a... Speaking of beauty, beautiful, I have to get... I'm going to lift my bangs for a moment. You see all this discoloration here? I've had it for a while.

I have to get a photo facial to get that all taken care of. A light facial? A light facial, yeah. So basically they zap it all, and then here too, and any discoloration I have. And then they say there's about a week process where it'll turn very dark, and then it'll go away. Well, isn't it basically, I mean, I haven't been in skin school for a long time, but isn't it basically like overpigmentation, and then that's a treatment that breaks up

Basically the pigment in your skin. I have no idea. Interesting. I'm ready to do something. Yeah. I keep looking in the mirror and going, I either need to turn my whole life around or kill myself.

Because I'm training for another marathon and I'm like, this time I need to like not drink and eat right. But if I'm going to work up to 26 miles again, this time I need to see even more results. You know what I think you should do? I think you should switch. You do Ironman or something and do a triathlon. That's amazing. You don't think a marathon is amazing? No, no, no, no, no. I think a marathon is insane. I think it's beyond amazing. You can't really swim. Well, learn. How am I supposed to learn to swim? Everybody at the gym is jerking off.

In the pool? I've heard. No. In the sauna. You don't swim in the sauna, ho. But that's where you start, right? Because if I can't swim...

I want to be like one of those newborns. If you put them in the water, they automatically do that. You go down on your back in the slippery floor. People are jerking and I'm in there like, Splish splash, I was taking a bath. All I'm on is Saturday night. When did you learn this one? I would love to get jerked off on the gym. Nobody ever tries anything. I got jerked off at that gym in Brazil. That's about it. Well, it wasn't a gym, it was a bathhouse. People think I'm, you know. Mary Louise Parker? No, Vin Diesel or something. Oh, no, they think I'm, what's his name?

Brandon, who's the guy that Iggy's going on tour with? Post Malone. Pitbull. They think I'm Pitbull. Do you like disco? My DJ journey has taken me deeply into disco. Disco's fantastic. Every day, I wake up and put it on. Penny McClain, Lady Bump. They call me Lady Bump.

Lady bump, it's all right. If you don't know about Lady Bump, if you don't know about Disco Inferno, if you don't know about I'm Coming Out. Also, oh, I Feel Love. I Feel Love, Dr. Love. So many good ones. Everybody at home, you got to look up Penny McLean Lady Bump. You got to watch that damn video because she does not know where that camera is. And she is hysterical. She's just like,

It's so funny. It's so funny. Have you ever seen the video for Whip It by Devo? Devo, uh-huh. There is a beautiful Asian woman and she is cross-eyed and she's holding a gun in that video. And she never looks at the camera. Oh, that's great. I love that video. Crack that whip! What's your favorite music video?

Who would play her? If we're being honest, I loved the telephone video when I first saw it. Oh, really? Loved it. It's pretty epic. Pretty epic. I loved the diesel jacked female bodybuilder on Plenty of Fish. Yes. Yeah, that was great. Yes. I love that Missy Elliott work it.

covered in the bees in the beginning. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So fucking good. She's like an innovator with the music videos. Oh my God. Lose control. I love her music. You can't tell me anything hung over at 11 a.m. on a Sunday in my house making oatmeal doing, I'm really, really hot. Like, you would think I'm Missy Elliott.

It's funny, one of my favorite song lyrics of all time is, "Sex me so good I say blah, blah, blah." I love that. I love, love, love that. She's amazing. Yeah, she's fantastic. I think that disco is the melting pot.

It's human life. Okay. Who doesn't like disco? Amanda Lear. She's got a whole album called I Don't Like Disco. Is that the Alphabet song? No, it's a newer album. She says, today's a bit, tomorrow's a bit, I don't like disco. I need, it's actually a great song. Yeah. I love it. You do? Well, it's, you know, joy. It also is a lot like, it sounds a lot like country music to me. What? Yeah.

Like the way disco songs are written sounds a lot like the way country music is written. Really? Yeah, they seem related. Distant cousins. One of my favorite disco songs is Fashion Pack. I think this qualifies as disco by Amanda Lear. It's a whole journey about Studio 54. Work. It's like, they are the Fashion Pack. Would we have been invited to Studio 54? Nope. Would we have been allowed to go? Nope.

You know, if we didn't have the internet and access to mentally ill teenagers, we'd have nothing. Nothing. Less than nothing. Less than nothing. Well, funny, Chic, who is the band that did Le Freak Say Chic? Oh, um. Who's the band? What's the band? Who's the band? Oh my God, it's on my phone. Is it Chic?

I think it is LeChic. It's called LeChic. LeChic. LeChic, yeah. LeFreak. You did it on Drag Race. Did it on Drag Race. And they actually, so they wrote that song. This is a funny thing. They were supposed to perform with Grace Jones at Studio 54 for her birthday. They wouldn't let them in. They weren't on the list. Before the cell phone, though, you can't text, like, is this person okay? They left in a huff, went back to their apartment, and then made that song.

They were jamming out and it was like, fuck you, 54, fuck you. Something like, it was like, it started as like a couch. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, started out as like, fuck you studio 54 into that. And then it became studio 54 is fucking anthem. Isn't that amazing? Crazy. Uh, you know, I love the B 52s and they, when they started playing together, they, one of the strings, the guitar has six strings. They only had five. Wait, why?

One of them broke and they have the money to fix it. Okay, so like a lot of their first record It's either really high notes or really low notes There's no middle sounds because they were missing the G string like that big middle string So when you listen to like a lot of their early music it was like I think one of their first songs they met up went out for a drink and went home and just Realized they all played instruments and like wrote love shock that day. She like that happens set for life It's crazy to either those stories are like so strange, but it seems like it

It does seem like, oh, making, to the layman, I really think it seems like making a song is easy. Oh, it's not. But I love stories like that where they, it's accidental. But it happens like that. Yeah. It happens like it happens kind of like. Sweet Child of Mine. You know that song? Yeah. Guns and Roses. Yes. They said, I read in an interview that they wrote that opening guitar riff. It was just something they would play at soundcheck.

And then they decided to write lyrics around it. So they're like, we played it for years without ever thinking it was like a song. Isn't that fucking crazy? It's crazy. But that's like, remember the November Rain video? Going back to music videos? Blind Melon. Tap Dancing. Bumblebee. Little Miss Sunshine. All I can say is that my life is really plain. Music videos used to be...

People had a different relationship with music videos. Yeah, I used to wait. I used to wait around the television set to see the fucking Lady Marmalade video play. It was cool. It was cool. I loved it. MTV. Yeah. I'll never forget Christina Aguilera and that upside down tiara with the giant hair. Crazy. Yeah. Diva.

Diva a lot of great music videos the Coldplay video for the scientists where everything's backwards Oh, yeah, bitch, and he's lip-syncing the words backwards and then they well he lives since his on backwards a real time Then they play the footage backwards. So his mouth matches the music crazy And then a lot of fab I just saw the Iggy video for I'm the strip club Oh, we just played the Jason just played then the car and the way to work out. It's fun. Watch the video. It's good There's a fucking truck

No, it's a fancy car. And in the back, in the trunk, the trunk is open. It's a bubble bath. And she's in it flying down the highway. The trunk is open. It's a bubble bath. And she's vibing. She is the street. And she's on the back of a four wheeler.

And the camera's facing a four wheeler chasing them and she's lip syncing on the back of a four wheel. It's fucking crazy. Oh, that's great. Yeah. She is the strip club. She is the strip club. Yeah. There's also a great music video by this Russian band called Leningrad called Cabriolet. And it's this girl who's late for her own wedding and she gets into her car and then she is like...

Doing you know like the the trope of like girls doing the mascara in the thing and uh-huh she smashes every part of the thing She smashes her car becomes convertible because the top gets ripped off. She flies over an overpass She she bumps into a thing and rum these robbers who are stealing an ATM thing falls into her I mean it is so high budget and so insane and it's so great and That's my I love when videos go big for no reason. It's have you seen that fucking down for what video I?

No. Where it's an apartment building where everyone's crashing into each other's apartments. I mean, it's funny. We know how much music... Do you like making music videos? I love them being made. I love having them. Having them. Yes. I like planning them. I like having them. I like having them. I don't. I hate making them. I don't. And if... It's tough because I think like in the...

in the level that we're at, we're, we're usually dealing with maybe tens of thousands of dollars. These people are dealing with millions of dollars. Right. So they have, Cardi B shows up when she wants to show up.

And when she feels nice and happy and then she does her scene, you know what I mean? Like if she has 15 people around her during her nails, everything, and then she's doing her thing and then she takes a break and not to say it's not grueling, but like we have to do a little more than that. And it's usually for us, it's like for us to stay on budget, you have to do all of it today. It's three looks. It's two days maximum. Yeah. Yeah. I did one that we did the, um, come in Brazil video over two days because I was like, I'm not,

I was working with this great director. I was like, I'm not going to be stressed out. And it was Alaska, too. It was like, we're going to have fun. We're going to have fun. So it was more expensive, but it was not like... Also, it's on VHS, so it doesn't... Oh, yeah, it's on VHS. VHS. Incredible. Violet just... Violet! I know. Violet, she just worked with the same director, J.J. Stratford. That video is cool. It's so great. Violet's video. I mean, they all are. That video for a little more me. Well, that's a Cardi B-level video. Do you remember when Lady Gaga put out 9-1-1 and called it a short film?

That I'll never forget. But that was heavily based on the work of this artist. And I don't think, I kind of don't love that that's not known. Do you know what I mean? It's a heavy, heavy homage to this artist. If you saw this film or this art film, it's like, I don't know that that's like... It's tough. What do you feel about that? How do you feel about that? I think music videos is hard because in music videos you're often like,

Iggy does a lot of like Tarantino style videos. Okay. And it's like, if you do it heavy handed enough that you're clearly referencing it and the audience knows that you're referencing it, it's almost like a, should we all clap for this movie we all love? Look, we're doing something kind of like that. Like, but if you're like, like my ding dong was a literal, is a parody of boom boom and a parody of the video. Right. And it is mentioned explicitly at the end of the thing. There's no ambiguity there. Versus like, I mean, do you know the FKA twigs video? Yeah.

and then the Lil Nas thing the Montero video they were so similar and it was like as a viewer if you know both you're like did they know that they each made a similar video well and there's some backstory there too that I learned about with you know but I'm afraid to talk about it because I'm afraid that I'm going to see him somewhere and he's going to yell at me

Lil Nas? No, no, no, no, no. It's his director. It's all good. Yeah, it's all good. His team reached out to the director. Yeah. And they said no. But they ultimately passed on his project even though it's so similar. I think personally, I looked at those things and I was like, you know, yes, there are similarities. There's a pole. But,

But FKA Twigs' video is just such on this other level. It's crazy. It's high art. I know. Museum, like Guggenheim shit. And then Lil Nas X was incredible, but it's a video game. And it's just something totally different. I mean, they're too, I don't know. They just don't even, I don't know. Let's take a break. Before we get the law up in here. I don't know.

The Bald and the Beautiful is supported by FX's English Teacher. From Paul Sims, the executive producer that brought you What We Do in the Shadows, FX's English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school.

I cannot wait to see this amazing new show with the preternaturally hysterical Brian Jordan Alvarez. It's from the producer of one of the greatest TV shows of all time. And can I let you in on a little secret? A certain Miss Trixie Mattel makes a guest appearance on the show and whoa, it is a sight to behold. Take it from me, a connoisseur of quality television programming. You do not want to miss this show. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

And we're back. Oh, okay. So, my birthday's coming up. Okay, so, her birthday's coming up, and I already got her gifts. Well, I remember when your birthday happened, which I loved.

My birthday was the best gift to myself. You said, I don't need anything. I just need you to turn it with your look. No, no, no, no, no. I said, I need you to come to my party and dressed up. Yeah. You didn't need to turn it. You decided to turn it and you did. I did. But I didn't need you to turn it. But then I said, well, just so you know, this doesn't let you off the hook for my birthday when I do want a nice gift. And you go, and I get it. Well, so I went to, I had a, I had a like a, I had a plan. And then, so I, you gave me a suggestion. So I went out.

And, you know, to Walmart. So I went to CVS. Yeah. I went to the fancy store and then I had to confront, to make a decision, how much of a friend you really are. Oh, financially? Oh, yeah. I think I said you somewhere kind of expensive. Yeah, you did. It took a lot. There took a lot of, I mean, I like this particular brand personally.

for the most part, they produce stuff that I love, stuff that I hate, as with most designer brands. But I was really kind of exhausted the opportunities. And at the end of the day, of course, there's a gift receipt, so exchangeable. But there was a choice between gift A and gift B. And the financial...

chasm was great was great and I was like fuck because that one was really cool I was like Mary I don't like anybody that much because I wouldn't even have bought it for myself no you know what I mean we did buy a $9,000 suit once yeah turned up

Oh, there was some help there. There was some chemical. So what you're saying is next time I should ask for my present when you're off the rails. No, actually, I retract that. I don't think I was turned up. I was wilding. It was my first. I never did anything like that before. Do you like gift shopping?

I do. I like gift shopping when I'm on, especially when I'm on the road. Yes. That's the best thing because like what I love to do is like leave the bus, go find some cool stores. And then I inevitably, oh my God, this person would love that. This person would love that. Yes. I love doing that kind of stuff. Yeah. But like holidays and birthdays, I get real like, is this good enough? Is this good enough? Oh, yeah, no. Is this stupid? Even when I get home the next day, I'm like, is this dumb? Is what I bought dumb? Yeah. Which we can be aware. How am I going to act? Am I going to cry? Am I going to cry?

But I appreciate some people are like, some people are real. They get real fierce. Like I asked you, like, what do you want? And you gave me some like clear suggestions. I'm like, thank God, because I don't like it. I don't know. I'm like, no, that's never been me. Yeah. I mean, when you told me that you tell David Point Blank that you want twenty five hundred dollars in cash one day, one year. I was like, that is the fiercest thing ever. Yes. I keep thinking I'm joking. And then he goes, well, what do you want to do for your birthday? I want you to go to Nordstrom.

Take a left. Go over to the McQueen sneakers. You know, I was trying to figure out what to do for my birthday because your birthday was so fun. And I don't want to do that because it's too much work. But I was like, if I do nothing, my birthday will come and I'll be depressed that I plan nothing. Yeah. So what I might do.

It's just text everyone I like day of and say, if you want to come meet me at this bar, come meet me. Yeah. If you don't, don't. No problem. Yeah. But if you do come, you better bring something fierce. You better bring a gift. Now, okay. Not a drink. Not come up to me while I'm already loaded and say, let's do shots. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just give me 11 bucks. Because West Hollywood drinks, if everyone wanted to buy me a drink, just gave me 12 bucks. That's a birthday, honey. That's a birthday.

I think we should do shooters. I think you should just Venmo me. Spider was in Hawaii the other day and they said $27 cocktails. I believe it. I mean. $27 cocktails. It was a vacation destination. Yeah. That's like complaining about the drink prices at a hotel bar. Well, they were at a hotel bar. Or at an airport.

I remember I saw Bianca once and in one of her shows, she was every here at the, see the show where she talked about the time she flew in drag. She one time got two turns and her assistant yelled at her and was like, you have to fly tomorrow. And she was like, I'll go myself. And she turned to went to the airport in drag and flew in drag. No. And Jamie refused to go with her.

Cause he was like, your turn. I'm not going with you. And she was like, fuck you bag. And there's a part in her story, which cracked my shit up where she talked about being in drag at the airport and buying a sandwich from someone at a Starbucks who was like clearly homophobic. And she was like, it's 7am. I'm in drag in a wig. I'm just trying to get my $36 sandwich.

Which is so true. Like the prices at like an airport for like a sad deli meat. You're like, what the fuck is this? $17. Truly. It's crazy. If you're at the airport and you have a sore throat, my $36 sandwich. If you're at the airport and you have a stomachache, you better get ready to

Write a personal check for some Tums. Dip into Grandma's Savings so you can get some Pepto Bismol. Because they got you. It's like Disney. Yeah, they got you. They got you. You can't go anywhere. Yeah, there's no other options. Oh my God. But so...

I don't, but I, there's shopping like Christmas. Oh, too many people. It's too much. It's too much. And then it's a verbal contract of like, well, who's going to get me a present? Because if they give me something, I'm gonna feel like shit. Yeah. We have a friend who bought me a very beautiful, uh, bag one year, a designer bag. And I didn't even think to get the person anything. And I just, I still to this day love the bag and feel horrible about

The best gift my immediate family and I gave each other, I mean, years ago, probably at this point, 15, maybe more years ago, we said... Did you buy your mom a hooker? No, nothing. Like AIDS at home? Like a cleaner and a cook? Lysol. Hamburger helper. What did you give each other? Nothing. We said, we're done. This was, of course, when we were all adults. Like when we'd all gone out of college and, you know...

Maybe not. I was going to say, how jaded were you at five years old? I'm not getting you anything. No, so my sister's 36 now. So this must have been, yeah, you know, 10 or 12 years. We all said, enough, nothing. We're good. J-Lo, enough. Enough. Brave. Yeah. So that's the best thing. Now I can just focus on most of my generosity on financially funneling into the nieces and nephews. Or nephews. Yeah.

We just gave Fina cash for her birthday. Which I think is... I think it's fine, too. I know. I had this great plan. Like, I had seen this hooker. A masseuse. He's a masseuse. And a great masseuse at that. Isn't masseuse a dirtier word than a hooker? No, a massage therapist, let's say. There you go. A masseuse? Is this the 90s in Florida? A masseur. I'm seeing a masseuse. Well, I saw him on Rent Masseur. I got him on Rent Masseur. Like Rent Men? Rent Masseur. Who would play her? What?

It would be John Cena from Armenia. John Sarmenia. Gorgeous. Mary, when I tell you, although his veneers... Does he look like Chirac? No, no, no. That's what I would think the point of reference would be. Chirac is so tan right now. Chirac looks like Mr. T. Chirac is pretty much... Pretty much I would let Chirac know. That he could fucking blow your barn doors open. That he is a beautiful cunt. Yeah.

I just saw him the other night. And no one lied to her. And I'm going to see him tonight. He is so beautiful. He is so beautiful and he is so sweet. I know. He is so sweet. We have a lot of porn friends and they're all just...

He's an angel. Perfect and nice. Nice, nice. Actually, yeah, Chirac, there's, that night where we were on the little moon deck or whatever, a bunch of those people, you would never, it's not that you would never assume they did porn because, I mean, they didn't have their assholes out and they weren't getting fucked or whatever, but like. Because I think people think porn people enter every room like, oh.

Cover and come. The first time I saw Chirac, he was walking down the street with grocery bags. And I was like, celebrities, they're just like us. And Joseph, who goes by another name, while he is quite jacked now, he rides his little bike and he's so dorky. Looks like he's a dorky. He's a fisting legend. Especially the porn people. Normally you see them in real life and you're like,

You are 5'2". Well, that's movie stars. That's Hollywood in general. Yeah. But oftentimes, porn people, they look so jacked because they're not that tall. Julian, Brock Banks, I think he's a shorty with a fatty or a shorty with a doherty. Andrew told me, you got to clock the doorknobs. Yes, yes. Because Andrew, he doesn't see people. If you are 5'10", under 5'10", invisible. He hasn't seen me. Yes. I was invisible. Clay Aiken.

clay aiken from american i almost said horror story american singing story coming soon fx by oh my god when kelly clarkson won american idol did you cry i did not watch it i didn't i've never seen one episode of that show it's the only american idol i ever saw with season one i've seen goles deti which is a russian children's singing show

Goalless? Goalless deity? Like someone without goals? No, the voice of children's voice. It means goalless deity. Oh, we were just talking about Billie Eilish's blonde hair. Yeah. More coverage than the Taliban in Afghanistan. So when more TV and media coverage than 9-11, Princess Diana and the stock market of crash of all the times it crashed. Yeah.

I mean, I saw her, I saw that, that girl, woman go on Ellen and Ellen. And I mean, you know, Ellen is like, it was so weird. Ellen was like, so Billy, I mean, what made you, cause you know, what made you decide to go blonde? Cause you, you know, you had this green, you had this signature look at what, what, what, what made you decide to go platinum blonde? Right. And you were like, what the fuck is going on right now?

They could do an I Am Kate level series about her going blonde. The level of scrutiny in public, I was just like, what is happening here? Is this a deflation? Are we bombing some country right now and this is getting used to smokescreen? Yeah. Oh my God. She's great. People's relationship with celebrities in general is so whack because I just saw a picture of Justin Bieber having lunch

And he's just outside a restaurant having lunch and there's a security guard and just dozens of women standing behind the security guard watching him eat. Oh, just exercising their right to be in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To stare. As if he's going to be eating. Look, even though he has a wife who's a supermodel, I believe. He's going to look up from eating, see one of them, immediately get fully erect and go, are you my wife? Yeah.

Are we in love? Are you who I wrote baby about? And that girl's going to go, I'm so glad I took the bus here today. Like, what are you staring at? What is there to do? What is that? That level of fame is so crazy. That is, yeah. I mean, I saw him at the dog pound. Gorgeous. Dog pound. I always thought he was so beautiful. He's a good looking guy. He's a good looking kid.

But, um, Shabana slash 14. Shabana slash 14. That being said, I'm back in sale. Now that looks like a movie star. Well, you know that thing where like grown women have crushes on like teen boy singers? Nope.

Grown women will have like. Oh, teeny bot. Yeah. Teen bot. Tiger. Until he had like his second growth spurt and was a man. I was not interested. Right, right, right, right, right. But around like yummy era, Justin Bieber. I was like, OK, this is what the girls like Harry Styles now. Yeah. Because straight women like wild shit. Well, I looked like a girl and I was the chick magnet when I was in middle school.

Who would play her? Mary Stewart Masterson. No joke. Mary Steenburgen. Now. But I was literally a Watts from some kind of wonderful. Mary Stewart Masterson. Never seen it. Oh. Who would play her? Who would play Mary Stewart Masterson? Fried Green Tomatoes? It's like a never ending who would play her. Who would play her? Who would play her?

Taylor Swift. I miss RuPaul's podcast because it used to once in a while just have these surreal, like what's cracking that Australian show level moments. Yes, totally. Totally. Totally. Like strangers with candy. Yeah. Surreal stream of consciousness. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so sad you never got to be on the podcast because that was those two. I had the funnest fucking time. And the last time I did it, Michelle wasn't even there. No shade to Michelle, of course. You did it and they suddenly quit.

but it was just me and Rue once and it was like that was oh my god it was fun it's fun it was fun you guys had the one episode where you just played dirty charades the whole time uh huh yeah and I didn't know I don't think I even knew what they were talking about and yeah it's just fun it's just fun to talk with her I love talking to her RuPaul loves that thing where she'll do like you take a movie and make one word dirty yeah yeah that's dirty charades field of dreams it'll be like pussy of dreams RuPaul's like ahhh yeah field of creams yeah yeah yeah okay

She was doing that with that little mama. So just replace it with, you know, throw a little mama from the train. And she just hysterically starts laughing. You know, like, little mama Mia. I don't know why it's funny. The rapper little mama. It is funny. Throw a little mama from the train. Yeah. When you're good to little mama. You know. Yeah.

You know what? I was going to make fun of her, but I think this game is funny too. It's funny because she wants to laugh. Like on Drag Race, it's like she wants to laugh. She wants to laugh. She defaults to laughter. That's why when you do bad, you did bad. Exactly. Because RuPaul comedically gives you the benefit of the doubt. Absolutely. She comes in ready. She's ready to laugh. Yeah. She's not looking to make any... She's not... Yeah. Yeah.

But yes, that is like so when she doesn't that's why like when you weren't there that day, but I wish she had been the Despi Awards I I were that shitty dress that awful wig and did not so great in the challenge, but then my expecting in my Acceptance speak. I told one joke And she was the only person that laughed Nobody else left none the girls got it. It said it was something about Bob Ross and she cackled and I was like, oh

And I was like, I think I'm probably going to be safe. And I was. That's the only laugh you need. It was the only laugh. There was like, nobody else laughed literally. And I was like, oh, fuck. But she cackled. I would think it would be like North Korea where like RuPaul laughs and suddenly everyone goes like. Yeah, no. Yeah. There was another joke that I think maybe some laughed. But like it was she, she like got it immediately laughed. And I felt like, oh, I love those moments. She's not going to kill me today. Yeah, exactly. Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break. Okay.

You want to do a quick quiz? Yeah, let's do a quiz. I mean, so this... I just don't have one of those voices where I can hide anything. Yeah, let's do a quiz. I wish they would release the Snyder Cut of all the times we've been at Netflix. And either... So when you've been out of pocket and when I've been openly negative, like just trashing whatever series we're watching, like just being...

I fucking hate this piece of fucking shit. I wouldn't, I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy. This is worse than watching snuff porn in my family. I mean, and then you're like, are we done? I'll go like, she'll be like, we have five more clips. I'm like, are you sure there's not more? I would love to see more. This day's not long enough. Yeah.

I'm like, do you ever worry you're spending too much on lunch? It's so brusque and it's so like... And I can't hide it. And when I'm in drag too, it's like this sugary look. Also, if you have to pee or if you're at the corset, you know, all that stuff. Girl. That one day where they went, can you start camera A? I go, yeah, let me just do it. Yeah, let me start it again. Well, when we had to do it at home, you got up and over. Oh my God.

Don't say that. So wait. Let's do a quiz. Okay, so there's a quiz. It's the fast and accurate... It's an ACT prep test. It's a four-hour LSAT. No. Should we do the highly sensitive one? Yeah, sure. Okay, you have it on your phone. You have to do it at the same time. Let me just scroll down. Highly sensitive. Oh, it's not the... Highly sensitive test.

Are you high? Okay. So what are we doing here? Answer each question according to the way you personally feel. Okay. Check the box if it is at least somewhat true for you. Okay. Leave unchecked if it is very true or not all true. So why don't you say the first one and we'll go back and forth and we'll check the boxes. Okay. Okay. We're going to find out if you're highly sensitive. I am easily overwhelmed by strong sensory input. I'm not really. Me neither. I seem to be aware of subtleties in my environment. I am. I am too. Are you sure? Yeah.

Other people's moods affect me. That is true for me, and I don't think it's true for you. No, I don't know what happens to anyone. I tend to be very sensitive to pain, yes. Oh yeah, bitch. I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation. Woo! Yes. I'm particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine. Girl, I could fucking mainline that shit and go right to bed. You are. I am.

I am easily overwhelmed by things like bright lights, strong smells, coarse fabrics, or sirens close by. Would I be here if strong smells bothered me? Or sirens. Or sirens? I don't think that bothers me. Yeah. I have a rich, complex inner life. I think I do. I don't know. What's an inner life? Oh, just a whirlwind of tapestries of interior moods, machinations, and narratives. Yeah.

You do. Okay. I am made uncomfortable by loud noises. No. No. I am deeply moved by art and music. Oh, yes, bitch. My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go out by myself. That's... Yeah, yeah. I'm about to do that after this. I am conscientious. What does that mean? Conscientious means diligent, I think. I think I am. You are. You are. Yeah. I think I am too. I don't know about you. I startle easily. Yes, I do.

I get rattled. Oh, Mary. I get rattled when I have to do a lot in a short amount of time. Rattle doesn't even begin. I don't feel rattled easily or rattled easily. No. When people are uncomfortable in a physical environment, I tend to know what needs to be done to make it more comfortable, like changing the lighting or the seating. I think I am. You're a good host. Yeah, you're a good host. I think I am too, but I never do it. I get annoyed when people try to get me to do many things at once. I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things. Yeah. Yeah.

No? No, I don't. Oh, okay. You do. You do. You're great. I make a point to avoid violent movies and TV shows. Hell no. Who wrote this? I love that shit. I love it. It's Ann Crouch Test. Yeah.

I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me. What is unpleasantly aroused? Like a boner but mad about it? Red boner. Hard red boner. Purple boner. No. Being very hungry creates a strong reaction to me disrupting my concentration or mood. I'll let you hit that one twice. Boop, boop, boop. But you get hangry but you deal. I push through. You push through. You don't push through. No, I do not. Changes in my life shake me up.

No. No. I notice and enjoy delicate and fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art. I find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once. I do. I do not. I make it a high priority to arrange my life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations. Yeah, you just wheel right in, don't you? You double down. You know, my astrological metaphor of my witch friend says, I'm like a tank barreling down a muddy hill that can be derailed by a twig.

Is that not true? Yes. No, it's 100% true. Like an army tank barreling down a muddy hill, but that could be flipped over by a twig. Like what could happen on set if, let's say, your food came in as a wrong lunch order? My eyes would cross, my nose would bleed, and you would never see me again. Yeah. I think like an upside down cross would carve itself into your forehead. And then Elliot, Eli, upside down cross would fire. Jennifer would come in on fire. Yes, on fire.

I'm bothered by intense stimuli like loud noises or chaotic scenes. When I must compete or be observed while performing a task, I become so nervous or shaky that I do worse. Oh, I do. Yeah. When I was a child, my parent or teacher seemed to see me as sensitive or shy. Girl, I don't think I'm sensitive at all. I think I'm going to have to go to a... Let's click to see. I'm going to click to see my total. If I have to fucking put my email thing in for this, I'm going to... No, no, no. I got an 11.

Okay, I got a 19. Okay, if you answered more than 14, you're probably highly sensitive. Okay, okay, okay. Well, that was riveting. Now as a highly sensitive person, I feel that I need to end this podcast. Yeah, this is getting way too sensitive. If you'd like to see us take more quizzes on our phone at work, let us know. That was really boring. I'm sorry. Listen, I thought it would be funny. We're trying things up. Yeah. We're trying things up. We're switching things up.

This year's pod actually are, we have 52 episodes this year and I think it's important in the 11th hour. To throw some water in your head. To try new things. It's like a couple who's in their 80s who's married 40 years who tries anal. You gotta keep the flame alive. Can old people do anal? Do they? I thought like older men stopped doing anal. Why? Because things aren't as stretchy. Mom, people love a loose gash. But your butthole goes from like a stretchy cock ring to like a metal cock ring. I have some information for you.

Yesterday's anus is very different than those of today. What I'm trying to say is that people in their 20s are walking around with loose manhole, uncovered manholes. Loose meat sandwiches? Loose, open-faced pastrami. Croque Monsieur and Croque Madame. Whereas before, that was like, oh, after a lifetime of whatever. Gauging. Gauging, yeah. They should do a top or bottom. Are you a Croque Madame or a Croque Monsieur? In France, I bet they say that.

Because, you know, in Spanish it's activo or passivo. Yeah, yeah. What is it in French? Corsi, madame, corsi. It's got to be. It's like Monsignor Michel or like Monsignor. Yeah. Are you a Paris or Nicole? You know, top or bottom of soul. It doesn't tell you anything. No. But of course you can. A lot of people actually, I found that, and I kind of agree. I like loose things.

Well, I think lesbians say top and bottom to mean dominant or submissive. But in gay world, you could be a bottom and still be not submissive. Or you could be a top and still not be large and in charge. I think it means insertive or receptive for guys. But for women, I think it means more like... Dumb or sub. Yeah. But also like... Oh my God. I'm watching a lot of straight porn and some of it...

i don't know how these women walk away the the men fingering the women in the porn like i know i know like i know i mean i'm not like they are trying to mayweather like floyd mayweather mama like they like fly like a bungalow bungalow fly like a bungalow bee sting like a bird or like they're trying to get something out of a vending machine yeah it's the up and around the up and around

Checking your pulse. I know and I because I'm obviously don't have a female anatomy I'm like obviously I think it's pretty up in the air at this point. We'd answer a lot of questions I I'm like I'm so curious about that cuz I don't know why I have this feeling of sympathy for their or our care towards the the the woman performer and I'm like I

I have to just trust that there's something, there's an understanding going on there that they know what they're in for. Or that they like it. Yes, of course. Or that it's actually pleasurable. I mean, we know from Annie Cruz and a lot of other people we've talked to that there's a lot of Meryl Streepery going on in the porn film. I like the idea that, what I learned from Annie Cruz when we did the Trixie and Katya show is she was basically saying that the Meryl Streepery is very clockable to other actors. Yes. Because she says she can watch and be like, that's not squirt, that's pee. Yeah.

Well, that was like moaning Myrtle at the ayahuasca thing. It's like, honey, we know. Yeah. I don't care what it is. As long as it's clear, I'm here. Piss on me, baby. I love that squirt. There was this...

There was a square on Runyon. Let me just, we'll wrap this up real quick. So one of my favorite performers is Italian guy, huge curved, lovely dong and took this little girl, little girl, young woman outside. It was a public scene and they were on Runyon Canyon. Yeah. Fucking and sucking dick and cock on the path.

and i know exactly where they were really it must have been like 7 00 a.m during a weekday you know because but they were looking around i was like they are really on running right now on the floor like standing or what standing standing on the the path and then you know when you go you know you go in and then you're on the left so that's like religious like are you on the path yeah this is the path to and she he was her you know and then she came

14 liters of fucking water just splashing out of her pussy. The Titanic. The Titanic. Yeah. It was great. Work. You know what? You know what's sad about public sex? What? I don't care about public sex, but I don't think people having sex in public should be like a jailable offense. That's fucking crazy. We were walking down the street and one of my friends had to piss and we had, it was like, you have to worry about the fact that you could go to jail.

You could go to jail. I mean, next podcast, let's dog ear this. We need to talk about America's really gross relationship with restricting sex. Yeah. If I was a kid and I was in the park and I accidentally saw someone having sex, I really don't think it would scar me for life. No, it wouldn't fucking scar you. Maybe it would actually be a little instructive. And if I was an adult, I'd be like, oh, work, bitch. Yeah. Like, you don't have to gawk like a weirdo either. No, you know, you don't have to. Also, if they're fucking in public, they don't mind that you saw them.

That's the point. Yeah, could be. Let's get into that next time. Public sex on 2020.