This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.
This is a Rooster Teeth production.
Felicitations to all you Formorians. Stomp on into the Stinky Dragon. Take a swig of our latest liquor, the Vile Eye Club. It's a mixture of giant gin, lemon zest limbs, blood berry syrup topped with the whites of your enemy's eyes. One sip of this deformed drink and you'll be the bell of the ball, warts and all. Previously, our adventurers found themselves fighting against a spine-chilling spectrolite and some obstinate Evergards that kept coming back for more. After a while,
After exchanging several blows back and forth, it seemed the interns were about to suffer an incendiary defeat. At the last second, a nearly slain Sleek swooped in to save the day with his timely loot. Hunchback, relax and let's resume this flammable fable.
Hello, everyone. Welcome to the question. What? What? What? What? What? Finish your intro. Sorry. I thought that was the end of it. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Tales from the Stinky Dragon. John has a question. What's your question, John? I got served a TikTok today that made me want to have ask a question to you as a D as our DM. Why do you say served a TikTok like it's divorce papers? Like, I feel like I was a TikTok popped up on my feed is the right way of saying that. Sure. I guess I really see it as like,
It's kind of like being served an ad where it's based off your algorithm. Yeah, I get that. Like...
TikTok, I feel like is getting even more and more really specific on what it sends me. Like it's learning more and more. And so it's, and it's even like, it's flexible in like reducing things that it sees that I'm getting bored of. And then it's, it's, it's increasing things that I'm interested right now. So yeah, I think Barb saying it like an ad, it's almost like what it is at this point. Yeah. So you had a question, John. Yeah. For the DM. Yes. So as a DM, I want to know where do you lie on the spectrum of if the opportunity
Opportunity, I don't know, required it or presented itself. Would you let us cast spells with our feet?
Like if her hands were tied or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, we can't, you know, it's a spell that you have to do something with, like, you know, you have to do a motion. Like a somatic component? Yeah, it's not just a vocal. I would say it would be allowable, but only if you had previously established that this is something you've been practicing. Like, you can't just spontaneously do it. Well, I know what's on Mudd's agenda now. So, like, I
I would say you would have to have practiced it and maybe have some kind of like dexterity check as well in addition when you want to cast it to make sure that you're actually able to successfully manipulate your feet in the way that you're intending. That makes sense. So I tried to cast unarmed strike with my actual foot on my mouse and it sent me to Gmail. I would say if you're trying to do an unarmed strike with your foot, you get advantage. Yeah, because it's unarmed.
Get it? Yeah, thanks, Barbara. I get it. No, I got it. Guidance is just a touch. Oh, yeah, you could totally do that with your feet. So I'm going to start kicking you guys in the butt. Please do. That's a 16.
You did that with your foot? Yes. That's pretty good. Someone take a screen cap for OnlyFans or what's going on here? Everybody listening to Stinky Dragon right now, I need you to roll the dice with your foot. I could do that. You got to pay for that, baby. Someone's driving. Let me know what you get. Let me know what you get. At StinkyDragonPod on social. I normally keep a 20-sided die on my desk. Where is it? I think I took it in to the office the other day when we did that TikTok. Oh, yeah. The one where we stuffed it up our butts? No.
No, the arrow one. One point of damage. I don't know if that video ever came out. It did not. No, it won't. It will never see the light of day, please. It will if you let us know you really want to see it. At StinkyDragon. Nope. Alright, I'm going to do it. Ready and...
What'd you get? That's a four. Oh, no, no. No good. You got to practice with your feet. I got to practice. All right. Bad Micah. He says to take a feet. Nice. So previously in the last episode, we ended on a little bit of a cliffhanger as you all freed some captives from being imprisoned. And there was an explosion as you all heroically jumped out of some windows. Did we land before we cut or are we still midair? No. It was like explosion when everything happened. The longest freeze frame ever. We're all just going...
And that's where the episode cut. Yeah. So picking up from that exact moment, why doesn't everyone go ahead and roll a perception check? Just for fun. While falling? While we're flying through the air? Well, maybe to see where we're going to land or something. Yeah. 24. I feel like this is when they cut back to Gandalf falling after the Balrog. 11. Oh, yeah. You have 14. 7.
Okay. As I like to do, I'm going to start from lowest and go to highest. Gum Gum, your head is spinning and you can't seem to quite move, but you do catch a whiff of something maybe cooking? Gum Gum's having a stroke. Toast. Is it toast cooking? Barton Kyborg, you open your bleary eyes and realize you've fallen onto the forest floor into a clearing. You look around and you see the treetops nearby are on fire. Oh my goodness. Oh.
Mud, you got the best perception roll. You also spot the same trail that you traveled on on the way into the forest. It looks like it has not caught fire yet. You also notice that everyone seems to have fallen in roughly the same area.
Well, almost everyone. It seems to you that Gum-Gum is caught in some vines up above you guys. And you notice a burnt loot string tangled in a nearby bush. Uh-oh. Gum-Gum could be in a place where things are on fire, which is why he smells cooking. Maybe it's just like plants that are on fire. It smells like food. Or his butt. So we should probably get him out of there. So everyone but Gum-Gum needs to take 17 points of falling damage.
Whoa. Wait, what? Owies. Owies. You all fell out of the tree onto the floor. Owies. Why did Gum-Gum get rewarded for a really bad roll? He's stuck in some vines up above you guys. Gum-Gum better take at least 18 points of damage or else I'm going to be upset.
Gum Gum, you're kind of like slowly spinning around. You know how like when something's hanging and it slowly starts spinning because of the wind or because of like uneven weight. You're like upside down, caught in vines, slowly spinning around. Oh my God. Time has slowed down and I'm not falling. How high off the ground is he? About 30 feet above the forest floor. Can I take some shots of the Longbow Triumph at the vines? I just wonder if you're going to shoot at him. Don't worry, Gum Gum. We'll get you down from there.
I like it up here. What? Yeah, you can absolutely take shots at the vine if you want to, cardboard. You all look like ants from up here. Can I take shots at the vine?
Yeah. 15. Yeah, I'll say you hit the vine. All of them? Roll damage on the vine. That is eight points of damage on the vine. Yeah, the vine snaps, and it frees Gum-Gum just enough for him to fall down to the ground and rejoin you guys. I try to catch him. You try to catch him? I try to catch him. Make a dexterity check to see if you can get under him fast enough. After taking 17. 18. 18, that's pretty good. Now make a strength roll. Yeah.
20. 20. Oh, my God. Okay. Yeah, those are pretty good rolls. I really wanted him to crush you, but we'll say that you are able to get under him and soften his blow. So he only takes five points of damage from the fall because you cushioned him into your arms. You're my hero. I'm just upholding the stereotype of the queer person keeping the straight people in the indie party undamaged. Okay.
Yeah, so you all are in that clearing that you had seen before, and you see that trail that you all came into that does not appear to be on fire yet. And with you guys, of course, is the now freed Brink and Sordo, as well as the other prisoners that were up above previously. The mayor? No. No, Brink and Sordo. Gum-Gum voted for Brink Tussler as the mayor. Gum-Gum voted for Brink.
There's the triune and somebody else. It's Brink, Sordo, the triune, the alpha sturge, and some elderlings. Oh, the alpha sturge. Yeah. We'll say that once you all were freed, the alpha sturge probably just took off on its own. Because it knows it's not too far from its home. It probably just, like, bolted. Gotcha. Bart wants to run over to Gum-Gum to check if he's okay. I'm good. How are you? Okay.
Gum-Gum, are you breathing? I don't hear anything. He's fine. I caught him. I don't hear him breathing. I don't know. I can't tell. How do I know if I'm breathing? I set Gum-Gum down and I go over to the bush where the loot string is. Okay. Yeah, it's just a string from a loot. Is there something you want to do with it? Is it on fire or is it just singed?
No, it's not on fire or anything. It's just a little singed. Okay. I'll take it and I'll put it in my bag. All right. Hey, while you're in that bag, Brink Tussler, we have someone to reunite you with. Oh, yeah. I put one string in and pull out a spicy string. A little stringy boy? Yeah. A danger noodle. Danger noodle. And I hand Hannibal over to Brink.
His eyes light up when he sees Hannibal emerge out of the bag. Hannibal, come to papa. And he gives you what seems to be a very genuine thank you. I'm going to need you to make Eric Badour give a very genuine thank you to me. Oh, he will.
Thanks, Mud. I really mean it. I'm going to use that thank you as my ringtone. He's giving Hannibal little scritches under his chin. Oh, who's a good sneaky little snake who's crawling around on the ground, no arms, no legs? Oh, it's you! Oh, what a good boy! Uh, I...
I don't know if I fed him in the wild, so you might want to find him something to eat soon. Oh, well, snakes only need to eat once every couple of weeks or something. They're good. Yeah. So above us, tree is on fire. And all around you, embers are starting to fall and little bits of fire are starting to pop up around you guys. We should probably get away from this area. Yeah.
Where's Sleek? I think Sleek might be up there. I think he might be in the great big loot store in the sky. Yeah. Yeah.
I think Sleek might have... I run my finger across my neck. He's got an itchy throat. We should try to save him, right? I mean, he's up in a burning tree right now. I don't know what the save is. Do you have a suggestion? We go get him. Probably all shouldn't go get him. Maybe just a few of us. No, but like, how are we getting up there? It's on fire. Are we able to climb back up or does it look like the vines are pretty burnt? The vines are starting to catch fire at this point. It's a pretty intense fire up in the treetops.
I don't think Gus wants us to go up there. I mean, it's whatever we want to do. But I don't think going up into the tree is really an option right now. Everyone take four points of fire damage. Oh, no. Fire's really starting to encroach on you guys. There's the cue. There's the cue. Okay. Exit stage, right? This is getting to be a spicy meatball, so let's...
Get out of here, guys. I mean, I'm used to being on fire, but in a different term, you know? Bart's used to being hot.
Alright, exit stage not burning. Okay. Right by the sink. I'd say let's return to that path that we came in because it seems like that's still open, right? Not on fire currently. Yeah. If you're dead, let us know. Little Jimmy, if you're dead, let us know. Yeah, we're Little Jimmy. I hope Little Jimmy made it out. I hope so too. So you guys head eastward and you spot the same dirt path you followed earlier into the forest.
The burnt tree line thins out and eventually you find your way back to the main road. As you're walking along the road, the sun begins to rise over the highland peaks. Down the road, you hear the crunching of wheels along gravel. Brink steps forward and says, Who dares to approach the great and powerful Brink?
Rink, dear boy, is that you? A wagon appears around the bend and sitting atop is Dr. Ahem, with Atten and Dant. Dear Dyer, are you all okay? We heard the explosion and saw the smoke. Uh,
Uh, I'm not doing too well, Doc. Got any, uh, maybe medicine in there to cure these, uh, burn wounds? Oh, my. We need to get you all back to HQ right away. Hop on the wagon. We're missing a friend, Dr. Ahem. I don't think that Sleek made it out alive.
We have this guitar string to commemorate him. It's out of tune. He uses friend very loosely. Guitar string? Lute. Lute string, whatever. Sleek's gone missing, you say? What about Spectral? Oh, Spectral turned. Oh, dang. Did we lose two Infinites in one go? Yeah. Spectral's evil, so I don't really know how to...
So, bad news about Spectral. He seems to have woken up on the wrong side of the bed. Yeah, so we might have learned a bit of information that Paralite not only took over their brains, but still left, like, Manchurian Candidate-style stuff in there that she could activate later to take over them again. Yeah.
We might need to solve that problem with any future infinites we find. I think we got a lobotomizing doc. I think it's the only way. Oh, wait. We have one. We have the Healy girl. What's her name? No, she's run away too. Aleve? Where's Aleve? I thought Aleve was her. You had previously recovered Aleve, but she had gone missing. Yeah, she betrayed. So we're down. We don't have a single infinite at this point. You guys are doing great. We're back to square one. We're back to episode one for intern interns.
Roll for new characters. Y'all are doing a terrible job. I just want to throw that out there as interns. I mean, we've, you know, we've grown and leveled up. The guy who wrote the story won't let us go back up to the treetop to save anyone. It's not our fault. The fire was just that intense. Sure. I think we should go back to HQ and gather ourselves and heal up and rest and all that stuff. Ancient coffee.
I agree. I agree. Yeah. Dr. invites you all to get onto the back of the wagon. Art tries to hop up, but he can't because it's too tall.
I lift him up. Wee! Bart, do you put your arms up with your hands out like a little kid? Grabby, grabby. Yeah, I do hands up, and I do the grabby motion with my hands. Bart's not above it. Wow, looks like we're back on a wagon. It's going to end where it all started. Wow. Just like episode one. Just like when we all met. It's where we're going to die. Oh, yeah, look at that.
Dr. Ahem whips the reins and the wagon quickly makes its way up the road. In no time, you arrive at the town gates and find yourself back in Boulderay. As you pass the gates, Dr. Ahem leans back and says, While you were all away, I decided to make some upgrades to the town's infrastructure.
He gives you all a big wink. You look out the front and see all the stairs in town have been replaced with wide wooden ramps offering a clear path through town. I call it the Boulder Way. Nice. Dr. M leads you all the way back up to Infinite HQ and parks the wagon just outside the stables. Ah, here we are. How Eldervine friends can head inside.
There's plenty of room downstairs for everyone. Atten and Ant will pull out cots for everyone and tend to your wounds. The rest of us can head to the lobby. I sense we have much to discuss. You all follow Brink and Sorto inside, into the lobby. And as you get settled in the lounge seating, Dr. Ahem addresses you all. Brink, Sorto, it's so wonderful to have you back. But...
I-I don't understand. Where are Sleek and Spectral? What happened out there? I-I think-I think we do have a-a great storyteller in our group, and his name is Gum Gum. Well, we met our new best friend.
I love how Gum Gum doesn't even pause. Like, you set him up, and then he just starts going. We met our new best friend, Little Jimmy. Correct. But then he wanted to go away from us, but I'm not sure why. Then we climbed up some of those tree ropes, and then we fought some little things that were invisible at first, but then weren't. And then we went to rooms, and then...
Our friends who we thought were our friends, they weren't our friends also. It was infinite. Gum-Gum sounds like... And we fought him. It was that singer that talks like this. I was going to say, after all of these episodes, I finally realized that Gum-Gum sounds like Ronald Reagan. Oh, man.
Oh, I can't. I can't unhear it. Trickle down economics is... What was Reagan's last name? Mary? Nancy. Nancy Reagan. Then we fought a bunch of people who shot arrows at us and I pushed one out a window and then he came back and then...
Then everything was like, we got to go. And then we went and there was fire. And then Mutt caught me in his arms. And I served two terms in the United States from 1981 to 1989. Is it Ringo Starr who he sounds like? Is that it? Oh, maybe. Who am I thinking of? Ringo Starr is a little like breathy. Are you thinking of like, oh, what's the pop star? I know who you're talking about now, Barb. It's not Ringo. It's going to bother me so much. Yeah.
Doja Cat? It might be Beatles. It might be Beatles, yeah. It's a little bit of old. Yeah. Anyways, not to spend too much time talking about Gum-Gum's voice. And on top of that, to answer your direct question, which Gum-Gum failed to do, Slick and Spectral kind of ended a fight with a big old Kaboom.
Although the rest of us got out, we don't think they got out. They're like, you know, what's the... On fire? Yeah, they were on the fire, yeah. They're like Schrodinger's Infinites. We don't know if they're dead or not. Yeah, it is an off-camera death, so I'm pretty sure that they're going to be A-okay.
Don't worry about it. You'll probably come back missing like a limb and it'll be like a cyborg now. Yeah, but like it won't be as cool as like another cyborg that we might know. Oh, God. If Sleek comes back with a missing arm, he will be insufferable about how much like brothers we are. Do it. Do it. Do it. You may have just given Mike a inspiration for a future arc. No, no.
It should be just like the most upgraded cool arm in existence with all these different features and functions. Just turns into a loot. So we're down to infinites. We don't know what Paralite is. She can still control all the infinites. Yeah, that's about where we're at. So when does our semester end? Because I'm kind of ready for spring break. What's Kyborg's major? Oh, um... Being awesome. Yeah. Yeah.
If only someone was here to play like a lute riff. I feel like his major would be like psychology or something like that. Or like, was it physical sciences or physical, you know, I don't know, like the PE, like a PE coach. No, it wouldn't be anything physical. I think it would be something that someone goes to college for just because they have to go to college and they just pick a random major. It's the throwaway degree. Yeah. Well, that's the radio, television, film degree from the University of Texas is what I'm looking at right now. Cool.
John, I'm glad you chimed in with the fate of Sleek and Spectral that Gum-Gum, for some reason, failed to mention to Dr. Ham. Because he didn't see it. He went through his highlights. He went through his highlights. Yeah, you only go through what he saw.
Brink chimes in at this point. Ooh, ooh, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but while we were stuck in the cage, we overheard the Evergards talking about all the new recruits they've gotten recently. Yeah, apparently Paralite's been traveling throughout the realms, amassing her Evergard forces. It's spreading some cock and bull story about the savior of Faiza.
Sort of also chimes in. Yeah, it's like Pius Pass and Herblume all over again. Paralite sends in brainwashed Infinites to cause a crisis, and at the last minute she swoops in to save the day. We think she's somewhere down in Pharos doing it again. Ooh, the fourth Infinite that we have not encountered yet. That we'll lose. We'll catch and lose. Yeah, yeah. Dr. Ahem strokes his chin and says, Pharos, that must be where Aleve and Grizzly are.
Interns, you need to head there straight away, but I'm afraid the Emus Gateway is still... dormant at the moment. Road trip. I can help you with that, Doc. Brilliant. Thank you, Sorto. In the meantime, Bart, perhaps you can call upon the services of your former captain again. The four of you should make a heading for the port of Pesca. It's a coastal town on the northern side of Feroz.
Okay... What does that mean?
He's going to be the janitor for the castle. Yeah, he needs to clean the bathroom. I want a special job. The toilets haven't been cleaned. You have the specialist job. You're one of the infinite interns. Do you know that pescar is fish in Spanish? Is that why it's a pescatarian? Yeah, it also means catch, like to catch someone.
When I was in high school, if you got busted by a teacher or your parents doing something, you would say someone was muy fish. Like they were very caught. They were very caught. That's like terrible border Spanglish. Yeah. I suppose, how do you get in contact with the captain? Well, all I do is I just pull out my cell phone and I just give her a call. It has one button on it. You call Klondike 58726. Right.
From memory, the Jebediah was not too far away. I remember you all had to race up the cliffs after your encounter with the Kalamar, and the Jebediah had taken on some damage and needed to be repaired, so it's probably still out over there. Yeah, and luckily I put my Apple tag over on it so I could just, you know, track it right back. Should be pretty easy. Bart's breaking all the technology rules. Just kidding, I'm just kidding. It's a spell. Yeah, Apple tag. Yeah, my Apple tag.
It's a level two divination spell. Is that a cantrip or is that? Okay. I think we should definitely take a rest and then head to the boat. I think that's a good call. Yeah, I'm a little fiery still. A little singed. Yeah, I would love everything restored a little. I like to think one of Bart's eyebrows is still smoking a little bit like it's been singed off.
It's my source of beauty. Yeah, y'all can absolutely rest. I mean, you're here at the Infinite HQ. This is the place to get all restored. All right, taking a long rest. Full lucky. Are we doing a long rest? Yeah. I mean, what's up to you guys, but it seems like it.
Yes. Yeah. Okay. There's a part of me that every time we're like, we have time like this, take a long rest. I just want to fire all the spells I can before I take a long rest. Use them or lose them. Just like summon beasts, conjure animals, flame arrows, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. All right. So everyone all rested up. Is there anything else we need to do here or can we head to the boat? It's up to you guys. Do we want to maybe see if there's any like, do we want to do any sort of shopping of any sorts to get any...
Do I have monies? I mean, I still have monies. I still have plenty of monies. We haven't been rewarded money in a while. I have some gold left. Not a lot.
I have a ton of money still. For what? I don't know. Did you deduct it after you bought the stuff? I do, yeah. I always deduct it. What's a ton? It shows I have 85 gold. Oh, that's not a ton. I also have 85 gold. And seven silver. That's pretty baller. I have 52. I thought you were talking like you had like 500 gold. Oh,
But I mean, typically when we bought stuff, it's like, this is one gold piece. Has it been that way? I thought it's been like more like 100 gold piece, 200 gold piece. It depends on what you're looking for, but it can be. No, I mean, when we do our, when we do our like level up shopping. Is there an armory at the Infinite Castle, the Infinite HQ or any sort of? Yeah, there's probably like a mundane arms that can be purchased or that can be acquired here at the HQ. Oh, Kitebook, you could get a normal arm.
Oh, no, no. A mundane arm. You can get a mundane one. Yeah. I could use some, like, healing potions and stuff. How much do those go for? If they're there. Is there a break room that has, like, a candy and drink machine that you can just put the gold in? Is there a green room we can just, like, steal everything in there and just pack it all up?
Yeah. Yeah, we'll say that Dr. M has been brewing up some healing potions, and it takes a while for him to do it, so he's only got enough for one for each of you that he's happy to part with. I'll take it. Potion of healing? Yeah. Adding it to my inventory. Yay.
Me too. What about some coffee from the dragon guy? You want to talk to Duncan? Get some coffee? Duncan. Yeah, absolutely. And he's got a nice selection of dirt for you, Mud. Remember, he said he would have it for you. I got reminded recently of how cool the character from Neverending Story is, the rock eater. I'm the dirt eater.
I'm the dirt eater. Make you yeah, yeah. Make you do yeah. What? Make you want all of your love. It's a man eater. Oh. I didn't know what song you were singing. Okay, so we add potion of healing and does anybody else have anything pressing to shop for?
I mean, we're about to part ways with Brinkdust, so I feel like I need to, like, challenge him to a rematch or something. I don't know. What are you going to challenge him to? Well, because, like, the first time we met, wasn't there, like, we had a duel or something? But it was like... Yeah, he kicked your butt. I don't remember that, but I remember that I... Yeah, it's because you got knocked unconscious because he beat you so badly. Was it unarmed or what? What was it? I can't remember what the contest was.
They had a little duel. It was in episode one, right before y'all went into the mayor's office. Yeah, but what was the duel? Was it just swords? I don't think weapons were involved. This was like one of the first episodes. It was episode one. Yeah, there was a box, like a...
boundary, like a little ring that was set up and the first person who was knocked out of the ring lost and that was Kyborg. Rematch, rematch. If I do a rematch, can I take another short rest so I can do a trance to regain HP that I'm inevitably going to lose?
Well, Brink's not here at the moment. He's been whisked away. Yeah, that's right. You run away. You run away, Brink Tussler. He's off on his special assignment with Dr. Ahem. He's clogging toilets and Infinite HQ is what he's doing. It's an important job. Someone's got to do it. It is. Mud wants to head to the ship. Me too. Yeah. Well, Bart's leading the way because he knows exactly where it is. Yeah. I'm good with that. Yeah. He could sense his mama. Mama. Mama.
All right, so y'all head to the ship and we pick up our story three days later. What? Hey everyone, don't forget to give us a follow on social media at StinkyDragonPod on Twitter and Instagram. If you communicate with us using hashtag StinkyDragonPod, you yourself could become an NPC on the show. For example, in this episode, we reprise the character Deadman Dreffle, who's named after at JR Dreffle, who's Josh Dreffle. You know him as a crew member aboard the Jebediah.
who the cast does not trust for some reason. And of course, we have our own characters voiced by people here at Rich Teeth. Brink Tussler is Eric Badour. Dr. M is Micah, who's our writer, editor, composer, one of the DMs behind the screen. Sordo is Jack Petillo. And Captain Marge is Zoe Terhune.
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Don't forget, please use our URL to let them know that we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan application. Go to upstart.com slash dragon. You all are back on the Jebediah with Captain Marge and her crew. The ship has been repaired since its last encounter with the Kalamar, and you all have resumed your sailor names and duties aboard the ship. Remind me, each of you, what were your sailor names again? Ironarm. Echo Bort. Flower Pirate.
Mad-Eye Mud. I don't remember. You're a matey mud. Matey mud. There you go. Silver piece for each of you. Woo! One silver. That woo turned into something upset really quickly. And remind me again, I forget. What were each of your jobs on the ship? That I do know. Powder monkey. I was the wheel person. Fireman.
Barbara is motioning into her camera holding a giant wheel and going back and forth. The wheel man. I was the rope doctor. And I was the real doctor.
Yeah, I guess you all remembered more or less. You don't remember the exact names, but you remembered the gist of it. So an extra silver for each of you. Yeah. I have all my notes in Slack, and so I close Slack, and I don't have my notes. You all got close enough. I had notes for the ship, and then I was like, oh, we're off the ship. I'm deleting my notes. I like how this is like when you're in class and your teacher randomly questions you.
quizzes you should be paying attention on see i i personally don't take notes because if it's worth remembering then we'll remember it but if the audience and myself don't remember it then it's something that we need to rehash again it's i'm really i'm just i'm a i'm a vessel for the audience here guys oh and by the way uh i was the helmsman yes that is the actual correct name
And, uh, Gum Gum was the rigger. Mm-hmm. Or as he called it, the rope doctor. And God, my memory's just really bad today. What was the crew motto? Uh, eat, pray, love. Everyone works hard and does a job. We're all in this together, hand in hand. Plus Ultra. Blessed be the fruit.
All good attempts, but no one quite remembers. No. You work hard, you play hard. So do we give you a silver back? Yeah, I'm just taking a random magic item from each of you. That's my reward for remembering.
Uh, yeah, so you guys are, uh, are back on the ship with Captain Marge, uh, issuing orders. Barbara, are you writing down the motto right now? Sure am! I put it on my D&D sheet. There you go. Uh, you all are asleep below deck in the crew's quarters, each in your own hammock or bunked up together if you prefer. I just assume you're all in your own hammock. Since I'm the powder monkey, I'm in the banana hammock with the bananas. What?
Y'all are fast asleep, dreaming away. What are you guys dreaming about? Beating Brink Tussler's butt. You want to eat Brink Tussler's butt? No, beating. Beating gum gum. No, I think we all heard eating.
Send us fan art using hashtags. Bart is dreaming of being in a tavern surrounded by beautiful maidens and sailors. And everyone is cheering, Bart, Bart, Bart, as he's chugging a giant ale. Uh,
and also he is a much taller in his dream and has like rippling muscles. Uh, and yeah, everyone is just looking at him adoringly. Ooh, typical short King dream. I think of those episodes of the Simpsons where like Homer imagines himself all muscular and in shape. That's exactly what I was thinking of. Mud is dreaming of,
of finding a magical wildlife center where he just gets to walk around and see all these animals and just adding all these animals to his library of things he can turn into. And he's also, in his dream, he's got high enough level in wild shape that he can just turn into any of them. He's turning into dragons and griffins and wyverns and all that kind of stuff.
Ooh, all flyy stuff. I think Mud wants to fly, huh? Mud wants to fly. Mud wants to fly. We need to do this podcast long enough that I can level up
What level do I have to get to fly? I don't know. What's a flying creature you could transform into? You're probably not that much higher. You're probably getting close. Ben is saying eighth level. Hey, level eight. Level eight. So then we're level six. What are we at? Six? All right. Can we get two levels really quick? No problem. Yeah. Get good. Anybody else having any fantastic dreams? Yeah. I'm dreaming that I am the master wizard of town. And then my dad comes and he says he's proud of me.
I like that he's just the master wizard of town. Like, not any specific place, just town. In your dream, do you do more than flower spells? Yeah, I can also do tree spells. Ooh, flowers and trees. That would actually be really cool. I'm working on bushes next. Micah says I cut the grass spell. All right, we'll do Inspiration Dive for Bart, Mud, and Gum-Gum for their fantastic dreams. What?
You didn't give me a dream. Yeah, he did. He's beating Brink. I said I was beating Brink Hustler's butt, and then everyone said I was making it as eating his butt. Oh, that was your entire dream? I'm killing Quadrant. I'm killing Quadrant in my dream. I'm getting revenge on my family. I already have an inspiration die. How are you killing him? I'm ripping off all of his arms, and I'm beating him to death with them. You're getting revenge on your family? For my family. Whatever. All right. Inspiration die for Kyborg 2. I don't need it. I already got one. Oh, my God.
I also already have one. I have one too. Did anybody need that inspiration die? I did not. You know, the seas are unpredictable. You never know when the weather's going to change and a storm cloud quickly appears and a lightning bolt zaps down to the lower deck, striking Kaiborg for four points of damage. Oh no. Wait, what? I mean, it probably was attracted to his metal arm. Something fell on me? It's attracted to his poor attitude about inspiration die. Ha ha ha.
It's extra good that he fought for it and he didn't need it. I just love that Gus could do whatever he wants as the DM. And I think we should all remember that. I think he actually rolled a dice and it landed on four. He did. I did. It's right there. That was Kyborg. So it actually wasn't vengeful. It was just the dice. It's just the dice, yeah. So to clarify, I'm taking four points of damage. No, no, no. I'm just kidding. Okay, all right. However, let's see. Seven. You got scurvy.
We've got quick. Somebody get orange oranges. I'm kidding. You're fine. You're fine. All right. You all hear a bosun's whistle above deck and Deadman Dreffle shouts, sail ho! I hear Captain Marge ordering, Arr!
All hands on deck! Sail ho? I don't know what that means. Usually it's like land ho. Well, that's because you're not experienced on these shores and on these seas. Hey, Bart, what does sail ho mean? Sail ho means there's a place where we're going to be stopping, so ho the sail. Ha ha ha!
That's good. That's good. Can I roll for deception on that one? Well, she would have to roll deception. You'd have to roll insight. All right. Come on. Let's do it. All right. Let's party. Oh, I rolled a 12. 19. She want to get nuts. Let's get nuts. All right. Sail home. No, yeah. You know, Bart spent a lot of time on this ship. He knows exactly what he's talking about. Mudler'd something new today then.
I'm gonna use that. I'm gonna use that next time someone wants to hear some cool sailing trivia. I'm also very surprised when you said all hands on deck that Gum-Gum didn't just lean down and put his hands on the deck. I already did that joke. I didn't want to repeat it. Oh, did you?
Mud goes up to the deck. Kyborg goes as well. Bard's already up there because he's a helmsman. Because he's a sail hoe. I'll go up too. Okay, you all make your way up to the main deck and find Captain Marge bathed in moonlight, standing near the helm, holding a spyglass to her eye.
Aye, there be a couple of cogs forming a blockade at the docks. They be flying a black flag with the letters EG on them. Any ideas on who they be? Evergards. I stand in front of Marge's scope blocking her vision and I say, ah, yes, I see them. Evergards.
A-G? E-G. Evergard. E-G. Oh, okay. As what I assume. I mean, black is the color that they wear the cloaks and on their sails. So, yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Is that what you said, Gus? E-G? E-G. Yeah. Okay. Arr. Fire. Fire at will. No. Should we board them? Like stealth board them? We should probably be sneaky about it.
Does it seem like they have already seen us? You can't tell. They don't seem to be maneuvering to you guys or anything. They seem to be stopped in place, so you're not entirely sure. Mud, turn.
turns into a sea otter, and goes on a reconnaissance mission. Cool. Because I looked up at level four. I can do the swimming now, so I can swim as these animals. You can fly through the water. Is it possible to cast a minor illusion to make our flag look like their flag? It might be too small. It would only last for a minute.
Five foot cube. Since flags are so thin, I would say you probably could. However, it would only last for that minute, which is pretty short. Is it nighttime? Yeah. Captain Marge is bathed in the moonlight. It would be weird if it was daytime. Oh, yeah. We got to do some stuff. Could I use my looking glass and see if I can see anything?
Yeah, you have a looking glass? Yeah, I picked it up in the jailhouse when we were escaping. Oh, right. I forgot about that. One, two, three o'clock, seven o'clock. Make a perception check, Gum-Gum. That's an 18. That's really good for Gum-Gum because Gum-Gum has a negative one modifier on perception checks. Yeah, you actually do see quite a bit because your roll was good. Like I said, there's two ships.
Like I said, they're cogs. They're like smaller, rounder ships. And it seems like there's a very minimal crew on each of these ships. You think that you see just a handful of people on each of them. They are not looking in your direction at the moment. Is this like a blockade? Yes, it is a blockade from what you can tell. You also see like in the distance, you know, behind them on land, a mountain that's shrouded in mist.
Okay. They're just like randomly out in the water if we could just pass by them, but if they're guarding an island or a plot of land. Yeah, Captain Marge said that she believes they're forming a blockade at the docks, preventing approach. Deadman Druffle says, we could fire on them and engage. It's up to you, our...
But I do want to touch base with Mud, who is on a recon mission. What is your plan there, Mud? Well, let me think this through before I jump in the water and turn into a sea otter. Do we want to engage or do we want to attempt somehow stealthily getting past it? Stealthily. I think we should be sneaky. They haven't seen us yet. I think we should be sneaky because I don't want anybody getting any casualties on this ship. Yeah. Yeah.
It's my familia. Question. We went over this before. How long can characters hold their breath? I think it's just a few rounds. Let me double check. Are you thinking about shuttling us over there on your seal itself? Just hold on. Hold on. You can hold your breath for a number of minutes equal to one plus your constitution modifier. How many minutes can you guys hold your breath? Four minutes.
Oh, five minutes. Your constitution modifier, Bart, is plus two. So you could do three minutes. I could do four minutes? Yeah. And then when a creature has a movement speed, that movement speed is that much distance per how much time? Six seconds. So in a minute, you could do your movement speed ten times. No, half, because it's water. Not meat. Yeah, correct. Ten times your movement speed in a minute. How far are we from...
getting past these cogs to the Misty Land? Oh, that's a good question. To the Misty Land or to the docks? Because the Misty Land's further inland. Would the docks be... We'd be able to get onto the docks and not be seen if we got past the ships and just came up on the docks? I mean, you'd probably have to make some stealth checks for that. Okay. From where you are... I'm just going to measure to the docks because...
the docks is what's closest. Okay, do this. Yeah, I got this. We could start there. Then if you want, we can go to Misty Land from there. From where you all are, you know, you still have a little bit of distance. They haven't seen you yet. I'll say it's about 300 feet roughly from the ship to the docks. So now we got to do math. Calculate how much breath we have to get. I'm doing it right now. I could hear the keyboard getting punched into the calculator. Is it not possible to like come up and go...
And then go back. No, we are fine. We are fine here, guys. Okay, so here's what I'm going to do. Muds, hey, gather around, babies. Muds got this figured out. Everybody gather around. Oh, he's got a plan. All right, yeah. Everybody do. Okay, so we're going to need to get past the cogs, and then we're going to need to get onto the dock and be stealthily able to get onto the dock and get past them. So this is a two-part trick. First part is Mud casts Pass Without a Trace to give everybody stealth check bonuses, and
once we get past the boats. Cool. Should we see if there's any black cloaks on the ship that we could wear so that if we do happen to be spotted, it will be a little less obvious? I already have one. Kyborg can transform his. I've got one. Yeah. I think we can get... Because Pass Without a Trace gives you guys plus 10 on dex checks. I also have invisibility if I need it. Yeah. So.
Second part of the plan. Mud doesn't jump in the water and turn into an otter. I have been holding on to this because I forgot, you know, not to level four, I could do swimming forms. But we saw a plesiosaurus at one point. That's a CR2 level beast. I can turn a CR2 level beast. I turned into a plesiosaurus underwater. What is a plesiosaurus? That is a giant water dinosaur. The one we fought in like the...
We're fighting in some sort of forest. It's a Lapras. Yes. It was when you were chasing Nader after he stole the baby T-Rex. Gotcha. You're about to convince these guys that Loch Ness Monster's real. They're going to be like, oh my God. Well, that's what the, I mean, it is like Lapras, what Chris described. Is there no concern about not being very stealthy with this? Well, it's the ocean and night. It's nighttime. Have you seen how smooth this thing is, Barbara? It looks so smooth. You jump in and then transform. It'll be a quiet splash. Yeah, yeah.
So my Plesiosaurus is large beast. I would assume that would mean that I could have these three guys just hanging on to me, and that really wouldn't cause a bunch of drag for a Plesiosaurus to be able to swim. It's large. Yeah, I mean, large is huge. Yeah. Dude, what is it in charge?
But is it in charge? No, that is Marge. She's in charge. She's the captain. But I'm liking this plan so far. I'm hooked. Keep going. Keep going. Plesiosaurus is a large beast with 18 strength. So yeah, you would be able to do that.
I have a swim speed of 40 feet. That means that in getting to the dock, that's only about a minute and 10 seconds. So everybody can hold their breath that long and I can swim that far. With breath to spare. Oh my gosh. Yes. Yeah. This is a brilliant plan. I love it. I'm so happy I wrote down this plesiosaurus and we've been holding. I have a list of things that we've seen that I haven't been able to turn into yet because I wasn't high enough level and this is one of them.
Okay, so let me make sure I understand the plan correctly. Were you prepared for Dinosaur for how we solve this puzzle? Were you prepared for that? When we get to the other side of this, I want to talk to you about this in the episode. I have a lot to say about this. They're scrambling to come up with more story because this was supposed to be the episode long fight. I'm pretty sure.
So just so I understand the plan correctly, you're going to, as mud, you're going to jump. Everyone's actually going to jump into the water. Then once you're in the water, mud is going to transform to a plesiosaurus. Everyone's going to grab on. You're going to dive under, swim under the blockade, get to shore, to the docks, get up onto the docks, retransform back into mud, then cast pass without a trace on everyone and then sneak your way on shore that way.
Well, technically, technically, what we could do to even make that better is we can stay underwater when we get to the docks. I turn back into mud, still under the water, so as not to, like, have a dinosaur come out of the water. Okay.
And then Pass Without a Trace, I can do underwater. It's just a concentration spell. Well, because we have so much extra time, do we want to try to, like, poke a hole under one of the ships to cause a leak, to cause a distraction away from docks? Just drill into it? I mean... It says Pass Without a Trace has a verbal component. Where? When you click on it, it says Components VSM. Verbal Somatic Material. Oh, okay. But you can say things underwater. Well, then we can just...
poke our heads out of water and I can quickly cast it. Or he'd just go...
You've talked to your siblings under the water in the pool. You've tried to see what you can hear. That worked. Yeah, I mean, if you have a way to... Sorry, I didn't want to shut down your idea there, Blaine. If you have a way, if you want to try to put a hole in the boats, I guess you could. That was a test. That's going to alert the guards, and then it's going to blow the whole plan up. Never mind, John, we're following your plan. I can second hear it in Gus's voice. I mean, if you want to try... No. No.
Before we do all this, does anybody have any problems with this plan? I think it's perfect. None whatsoever. Should we put a rope around your neck so we can hold on better? Sure. I wish there was more killing, personally. I love stealth takedowns, but, you know. Deadman Drefful chimes in and says, Can I go with ye? I be needing to get to shore too. I think that we need to bring Drefful with us. Maybe Drefful knows about this island. He's going to rat us out. Drefful. Drefful. What is it? Drefful.
Dreffle. Bart, is Jedmin Dreffle, is he just trustworthy? Is he a man of good character? Could I use my ring of truth telling on Mr. Dreffle? Yeah, that just gives you advantage on an insight check. So I guess you would want to ask a question or you want to like sense his motive or... Yeah, I want a sense of motive just to make sure that he is a good guy, not going to try to mess with us or foil our plan in some way. Yeah, go ahead and roll me an insight check with advantage. Insight check.
All right. It's a nine and then a another nine. Yeah. I mean, Deadman Dreffle, he looks really intimidating. He's a dwarf with a skull tattooed on his face. It looks like really mean and he's up to no good. But you do remember him fondly from your time on the ship in the past. And, you know, him to be a trustworthy companion to Captain Marge. Do I remember him ever doing anything bad based on my record?
Memory. Make a wisdom check. I mean, to be honest too, I think having a man with a skull face tattoo would be a pretty good addition to this stealth mission. Another nine. I am rolling back. Six plus three. You remember that he's a cheat at poker. Okay. He likes to hide cards up his sleeve.
Eh, you know, who doesn't? Can we just say no? As the one who's going to have to drag you, I'm going to need to have a little bit more information as to why I need to have you attached to me underwater and get into this island. I need to get the way clear for Captain Marge and the Jebediah to get ashore. Why are you guys going ashore? We have trade here in Peskar.
Fair enough. Can they just give us a little, like, 20 minutes head start, and then you can go on a little raft or something? I don't think it's important that you come on a raft here, Dread Pirate. Am I the raft? You know what I mean. I just don't see, like, SEAL Team 6 needing to go to, like, Osama's compound, and someone's like, hey, I got a brother in the neighborhood I want to go say hi to while you guys are doing this, you know?
I mean, they only gave you a free ride to Pescar. These are only Bart's longtime friends. Based on the way Gus is fighting for this, I'm pretty sure this guy's going to give us away. No, bring him. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. To ride on the Plesiosaurus costs the gold. Oh, my goodness.
Okay, here you go. Thank you. I hand over gold. Okay. Deadwind Drupal says, he be paying my passage. No, he be not. He be not paying your passage. He be paying for his. I need your gold. Oh, fine. Okay.
Deadman Dreffle walks over to Captain Marge and you hear them whispering to each other hushedly and then she pulls out a gold from her purse and hands it over to Deadman Dreffle who then walks back over and gives it to you guys. Thank you very much. I'm going to point blank. Dread Dude Duffel, are you with the Evergards? Dread Dude Duffel. The Evergards? No, I'm with the Jebediah.
Listen, guys, I've known this guy almost all my life. He's a good dude. We can trust him. Kyborg rolled for insight. Let's bring him aboard. I think he could be useful. Maybe help us fight in case we get into a bit of a pickle. Do you see, Gus, how much we don't trust you? I love pickles. Yeah, I know. I love it. I'm here for it. You think he's telling the truth, Kyborg. He's with...
uh the jebadiah he's not a never guard even with the 19 i just rolled on the inside yeah i see it good roll it's good roll all right so he says he sees it he does not acknowledge it though yeah all right all right all right uh so you've paid your entry we'll take you i'm fine with it uh however uh because i don't quite trust you completely you get to hold on to the tail ah that's the most fun
I like how we don't trust doors and we don't trust strangers. Doors and dwarves. That's our nose. I did give you a gold. Just make sure you add it. I did. Okay. Is everyone else going to pay too? Deadman Druffle's looking around waiting for everyone else to pay as well. Yeah. I Venmo'd him.
Is that another cantrip? Mud's got a debit because I helped him get a badger. Yeah, that comes out of the badger fund. That sounds fun. I owe Kyborg a lot of plesiosaurus rides in order to catch up. Okay, so let's do this. Let's have some fun. Okay. You all start executing your plan. Everyone gets down into the water. Mud transforms into a plesiosaurus. We'll say mud.
Mud, make a stealth check with advantage because you're a plesiosaur and you're underwater. He's a people plesiosaurus. Yeah. Nice. Thank you, Blaine.
Micah, there better be some stealth music under all this. Like a formulating a plan, stealth attack mission, and so on. 23. 23? How'd you get 23? 9 plus 4 plus 10. Oh, wait. We haven't done... Oh, if I do Pass Without a Trace, I can't do it now. I can bolster your roll. With what? With my bolstering magic.
Is this something you have? Yeah, it's new. What do you do? For 10 minutes, the creature can roll a D3 whenever making an attack roll in her ability check and add the number roll to the D20 roll. Also, you can also regain your spell slots. Our spell slots. Why do you sound suspicious? Why do I not believe you right now?
I'm going to use my inspiration dice and actually get a better roll because I don't even think a plus three would help that. It would make me feel confident enough. All right. Jesus, what's with our bad rolls? Not doing so good. All right. So I'll take the nine. Which is plus four. Two is your stealth. As a plesiosaurus, plus four. As a plesiosaurus, it's one of my skills. Oh, a plesiosaur. That's right. They have an extra stealth because they're underwater. And then I'll roll a D3. So you roll a D6 and divide it by two.
I rolled a one. Darn it. So 14. 14. Okay. Not the worst. No, but it took a lot to get that 14. Yeah. That was three rolls. Between me and Bart, we're just pooping the bed with our rolls. Not doing good. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have lucky. Hold on. You have three luck points per long rest. Whenever you make an attack roll and ability check or a saving throw.
It's only rolls against you. No, no, no, no, no. Can I use the luck points on someone else? Only actions against you. But this is an action against me because he's rolling a stealth thing, right? I rolled a 14. Yeah, it's whenever you make an attack roll, ability check, or a saving throw, or an attack is made against you. I looked it up.
I'm like, attack me. - Yeah, I like how Chris points it out and Blaze is just like, no, without actually knowing. So yeah, we got a 14. - There's been a lot of confusion in the past about what, who's lucky does what. That's why I- - No, there really hasn't. - There has. Every time I roll lucky, everyone's like, what are you doing? That's not how that works. And I'm like, no, it's a different, I'm an elf lucky.
Anyways, sorry. I tried to help. Yeah, the plesiosaur silently glides underwater under the ships. What should have been a mundane roll turned into a three-minute ordeal, trying to add as much as we could. But you all managed to successfully slink under the ships underwater and emerge behind them on shore.
And then when you emerge onshore mud, that's when you cast Pass Without a Trace? Yeah, I'm very sad to not be a plesiosaurus anymore. That's all I got to do. A little more opportunities in the future. Can we try to work in some more aquatic adventures? I'm like Aquaman asking to be used. Deadman Dreffle says, well, sink me to Davy Jones' locker. Y'all made it to shore. Keep it down, Duffel, Duffel. Keep it down. Well done. Well done and good luck, sailors.
But before you head off, here be a little trinket I picked up from Suavier before he left. I think you can find more use for it than I. He holds out a bottle filled with flickering orange liquid and smoke. It's the flashbang of sorrows. Bart reaches out and takes it. Okay, Bart, you've got it. What is it? When have you had this before? So you all recognize this. I don't remember who had it in the past, but it's a potion of fire breath. Cool. Thanks. Okay.
It's a very distinct color and consistency. So Bart has it. Thanks, Duffel. And it has three charges, this potion of fire breath, it seems. That's what it says, at least on the description of it. Yeah, you got an unused one. Deadman Duffel hands it to you, and then something catches his eye. Ah, shiver me timbers.
You all look past the shoreline to see a monumental stepped pyramid in the distance peeking through veils of mist and tropical foliage. Vroom! A sickly green light emits from its summit, shooting straight up into the sky. Acid green clouds form over the pyramid and a light rain begins to drizzle. The streets break into pandemonium with people running away, slamming doors shut. Someone in the crowd screams, "Run for your... Oh no!" Their skin begins to boil and bubble into grayish purple spikes across their body.
Their eyes fused together into one bulbous green orb staring wide across the crowd. Frangs protrude from their gaping jaw and the now hideous creature lets out a... Oh dear. Run for your own home. Find out what happened on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. Always, always a cliffhanger. Now that we're at the cliffhanger, I want to say something. We had a whole naval battle planned out. I was right.
There was... Micah researched and found this special map for nautical encounters. And he built out all the stuff that I was going to use. And there were different attacks and different portions of the ship that could be hit and damaged. And it was a big deal. It was supposed to take up a big chunk of time in this episode. And then John chimes in with the, I can turn into a water dinosaur. And it was like, hmm, let's see where this goes. Yeah.
He just swam right under the encounter. In true brother fashion. I feel like we will encounter this again at some point in the future. Yeah. Yeah.
Just so it doesn't go to waste. It looks like he did a lot of work on this. It's really cool. I've got like stat blocks for the different ships and the different characters on all of them and how it was all going to go down. You all just swam right under it. It was great. I'm surprised you didn't do something like, oh, they spot you still. Or like you run into one of their udders and then, uh-oh. It's not D&D if someone doesn't break the game with something you didn't expect.
Right. Yeah. Ben says the party never goes where you expect. Yeah. Take the rare instance of us actually like moving past something faster than usual, you know, because next week when we record, we will, you know, a rock on the floor will take 30 minutes of our time of discussing. Yeah. That janitor's closet is really going to trip us up for two episodes. Micah wrote, going to be honest, never saw this coming. And then I wrote, I am here for it. Yeah.
I thought it was great. I thought it was a great play. Didn't expect dinosaur. Didn't expect dinosaur. That was some masterful D&D play. I mean, like turning into a dinosaur and then having everyone jump on your back. That's all about it. I'm so glad I scrolled down my list. Yeah, and Deadman Dreffle was just there to give you a potion. And it's like, oh my God. And to like,
move that story beat along at the end and you guys fought it so hard. It was great. I would not have caused any problems if you had tried to put a hole in the ship plane. I was just like trying to put a little bit of fear in you. Uh-huh. I can sense that. All right. Well, that's it for this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. We'll be back next week to find out what exactly is going on here in the Port of Pescar. Thanks for listening, everybody.