Jason Manford
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Hello and welcome to Table Members, I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here in Clapham with Mum. It's a lunchtime, it's an autumnal, breezy day. I'm in my first polo neck of the season. The one that was mine that I gave you. Yeah, thank you. How are you Mum? I'm fine Jess. You've made dinner. Yeah, I did it all last night. Oh nice, so that's why you're so chilled and relaxed. Yeah.

Yeah, so I could get to Pilates. But actually, I did cook till 9.30 last night. I thought, why am I doing this? The smoke alarm went off twice for the griddled vegetables. Oh.

The juice is not worth the squeeze. It was reassuring that the smoke alarm worked. Yeah, right, yeah. Yeah. When you live on your own, that's good. I made the dessert. The dessert looks amazing. Is it a Nigel Slater? Yeah. We are giving Nigel Slater a lot of love. I feel like Nigel Slater... We should have him on the podcast. We should have Nigel Slater on the podcast. We're putting a call out. Nigel, we love you. We'd like you to come on and we will cook your food well because your recipes work. Did you see?

Did you see Alison Roman's pregnant? Yeah, lovely Alison Roman.

who's also listening to my other podcast, Is It Normal? The pregnancy podcast. She's enjoying that. She texted me saying, I'm listening to that other podcast of yours. So yeah, very sweet. Congrats, Alison. Yeah, we have funny man, Jason Manford coming on. Good, looking forward to this one. Northerner. Yeah. I'm sure you're going to talk about Manchester. Yeah, Man City supporter, sadly. Problematic. Yeah. But yeah, we can't wait to chat to him. He's got so much going on. He just does a bit of everything. Musicals.

Quiz shows, comedy, acting. Family man. Family man. Yes, six children. Yeah. What have you made, Mum? I've done lamb meatballs. I've done a Greek salad. I've done griddle vegetables. Right. And I've done rice and I've used Turkish rice.

which is longer grain. And I think it's just, I'm hoping it's like when we have the rice at International Cafe. You know how the grains are really long? Or like FM Mungale. Yeah. And we get it from there. Yeah. And then I've done a plum shortcake.

Yum. Yeah, which is with butter, flour, bit of sugar and ground almonds. Was it hard to do? No. That's what I like. Yeah. Food processor, five minutes, whiz, done. Oh, nice. So looking forward to this one. Jason Manford on Table Mamas. Thank you for being here. Pleasure. I'd actually knocked on next door, so please apologise to your neighbours. Oh, did you? Is anyone there? I was 20 minutes into a podcast next door before I...

Yeah, so there was no one there, thankfully. Where have you come from? Stockport. Is that where you come from? Yeah, yeah. I'm Manchester. Oh, you're really? Whereabouts? Well, North Manchester, near Heaton Park. Oh, yeah. Oh, it's nice up there. Yeah, nice up there. It's nice and posh up there. Have you got Oasis tickets? I have got Oasis tickets, yeah. Did you... Dynamic ticketing, how did that work out for you? Or were you on the guest list? He knows Noah from City. Oh, you're a City fan, aren't you? City fan, yeah. Texanol. No, I didn't Texanol. LAUGHTER

I was winding my mates up because I said, oh yeah, because the Oasis, what they've said is that if you put your season ticket number in, you get early access. Oh my goodness. And all my mates were fuming about it. But that's not the case, of course. But yeah, I did manage to get four tickets. I got the 160 quid one. Well done.

Well done. At Heaton Park. At Heaton Park, yeah. That'll be the best gig. It will, but also, you know, at some point, you know, there'll be a pint of weed being thrown onto your head. You know what I mean? They're not well behaved at Heaton Park. You know what I mean? Part life. Have you ever been? Well, I've seen, you know, the victims on the next morning. Yeah. So...

Yeah, so it'll be interesting. I did sort of, because my daughters are desperate to go. How old are they? 15. And so this is the new generation into Oasis. This is the new generation, yeah. So they're desperate to go. So that's what swung it, really. But I was a bit like, why don't we just go to Cardiff? I reckon Cardiff will be nice. Yeah, because they'll definitely do their first one. Yeah, exactly. But you've got twins. I have got twins, yeah. So has she. Have you? You've got twins as well. And she's a twin.

Are you really? All right, crikey. Is it a nightmare? It's hard, yeah. It's hard. But I've got six kids, so it's a lot of kids. Busy man. Yeah, well, I was, yeah. Not anymore, because I've got six kids. Six kids? Yeah. When did the twins come? First...

So I've only ever had multiple children. I've never had one. I don't know what that's like. So right through from 15 down to six. Have you got boys as well? Yeah, I've got two boys. Do they fight? No. Well, one's 12 and one's six, so it would not be a fair fight. Oh, you've done that. You've played a blinder there. Yeah, yeah. Are you boys then? I've got a girl and two boys, and the boys are just...

fight them all over each other right they love fighting but do you know what don't you think but like it's so I'm not saying it's easier but it is much more simple with boys is it yeah because just from my experience with the six is that boys are very root one you know they're very like physical and almost primeval like in the way they're and girls are very like everything's like little microaggressions especially once you get into teenage you know years it's everything's a little so nothing is big enough at least with a

a boy, like there's a moment where like one of them will hit the other one and you go, don't do that. And I can deal with that. You know, I'm able to, I had brothers and it's something physical. It's something you've seen and witnessed. But my girls, like just little microaggressions. Say the wrong thing. Yeah. And also you can't really go in hard on a girl.

a microaggression because then you look like a psychopath so it's really difficult God you sound like you're a headmaster of a secondary school Funny that isn't it Funny that isn't it which leads me into I never knew you could act I know well let's find out I don't know yet do I I've not watched it Waterloo Road Did you watch Waterloo Road before The kids watched it during lockdown Okay It's

It's really good. It's a great show. Mum's obsessed. I loved it. It's a great show, yeah. And it's, yeah, no, it was a, I did, I mean, I did act it at university and studied at uni, yeah, and then before I sort of got into stand-up properly. But, so yeah, I've always sort of done little bits, but this was the first sort of major, major one, yeah. Did you enjoy it? Loved it. Loved it. It was so nice. It was a weird one because it came right in the middle of a really busy schedule. I just finished, I was just about to finish The Wizard of Oz at the Palladium, which I did last summer. Yeah.

as the lion finished that which was great yeah great ten weeks just you know just doing that it was great was it the musical version like the whiz he's on down the road no it was the Andrew Lloyd Webber version so it was not the American one similar to the film but with extra Lloyd Webber songs you're triple threat aren't you well I don't think unless if the third thing's dancing then no

I mean, I can get away with it. Okay, you've got comedy instead. Yeah, exactly. Put it in there, yeah. Where did you grow up? Stockport? No, actually. I was born in Salford. Oh, that's... Yeah, Bourbon Park. Yes, that's right. It's not too far from where you said. Not far from Carrington. Yeah, not far from Carrington, yeah. And then I grew up... I actually grew up in a place called Wally Range, which was like South Manchester. Went to school in Chorlton and then, you know, at some point was like, right, we need to find somewhere to live. So about, yeah, about...

Probably when the girls were born, actually. So what's that, 15 years ago, we sort of moved to Stockport. But for ages, I thought we lived in Cheshire. I was like, oh, we live in Cheshire.

It is Stockport, Cheshire. Well, no, it's not. I found this out during lockdown when they started doing all the tiers. Oh, it's an M, an M. Yeah, when they did the tiers. Well, it's an SK postcode, but when they started doing the tier system and they were like, right, that village is allowed to go to the shops and that village is not allowed to go to that restaurant. And we were like, oh, we're all right because we're Cheshire, aren't we? And they were like, no, you're not, you're Manchester. Who was around the dinner table when you grew up in Salford? Right. And what were you eating? What was a really memorable dish? Well, we were sort of...

It was unusual in inverted commas back then because my, you know, so if you think in the sort of mid 80s what this must have been like, where my mum was the breadwinner, my dad was a house husband. So he was, as he says now, I was a house husband before it was trendy. Yeah, so he's like, he was a trendsetter.

What did your mum do then? My mum was a nurse. Gosh, she must have worked hard. Yeah, I mean, really hard. And also, she was young, you know. I was born two weeks after my mum's 17th birthday. Wow. Oh, my goodness. But don't forget, this is Salford. That's actually counted as quite the late starter. But she had three of us by 21. Three? Yeah. So how did she do her training? Dad just sort of gave up work. And then my dad had like... There was a point where my dad just had three jobs. Like, he just worked...

He just came home for an hour, had a sleep, then went back out, came back in, had a sleep, went back out. It was like... He was, like, in the hospital in the day as a janitor, and then he was, like, cleaning his sterile supplies and stuff. And then he would go out and work in a pub, and then for, like, a month over Christmas, he would work at the post office, like, you know, overnight, like, sorting out all the letters to Santa. So...

So, yeah, so it was... And then, so I think he was quite glad in a way. I think he was like, you know, actually, it's too hard, this, you know. So they obviously worked it out. And then mum, yeah, mum trained to be a nurse. And then, so then dad was, you know, was at home. And I wouldn't say he was a cook, really, by any stretch of the imagination. So we had, I'd say, three meals on rotation. Okay. You know, so it would be Finder's crispy pancakes, waffles and beans. I mean, the flavours of the Finder's crispy pancakes would change, you know, it wasn't that...

What are the different flavours? There was a mint one. There was a mint one. Yeah. There was like a cheese and... Cheesy one.

I think magma I think because it's so hot it's like the hottest thing that you've ever eaten in your life um and uh yeah so we'd have that the speciality would be um you remember the like the cod in sauce that you'd like boil in the bag oh boil in the bag delicious which sauce love it the butter the butter or the parsley the parsley fit they were fit are they still in the shops they should be someone should bring them back we should bring them back they're

I don't care what anyone says, they were well nice. Yeah, you used to do that on a... And it was square. Square, yeah, like no fish you've ever seen. I mean, it was essentially sous-vain, wasn't it? Yeah, really. It wasn't really sous-vain, it was all cooked before, Jess. And then you put it in a hot boiling water before microwaves. Yeah, fair. So then did you... And the other one was macaroni cheese with chopped up hot dog sausages. Oh my God, from a tin? Or did he make it?

Oh, well, you know, pasta, cheese sauce. Oh, he didn't do all that? Yeah, I mean, he was, yeah, as basic as that. Did you, you loved that one? Loved it. Yeah. Did you have ketchup with your macaroni and cheese? No, not really, but my kids do that. I love it. Yeah, no, I'm not into that. And a Sunday dinner, obviously. Did you have, did you have a takeaway? No, I don't feel like there really was. Chips with curry sauce? No, I

I mean, maybe the odd, you know, fish and chips and stuff. Yeah, and I do like a chippy curry sauce, you know. But aren't we so spoiled now? I remember it was like when we were younger, it would be fish and chips from around the corner. Which I see barely. Barely. Barely. Barely. Barely.

Or you'd get like maybe an Indian or a Chinese for like a special occasion. Yeah. We never had takeaways. But now you have like Deliveroo and like... Three times a week. Yeah. Easy. I get my groceries on it. Like it's just you can get anything. Yeah, we are. We're not good people. Like we need to sort this out.

But yeah, no, I agree. I mean, I remember as a kid, like McDonald's was somewhere you went for someone else's birthday. A birthday party. It wasn't like, oh, I'll just pop to McDonald's because I'm hungry. It was like an event. Do you cook?

Sort of. Did you used to cook when you were younger? Like, would you help your dad out? Or it was very much like... No, we just sort of got on with it, really. We just didn't really... But interestingly, because my dad was a house husband, I remember being about seven and asking for, like, a buggy, you know, for... Like, with a doll in it. A trolley? Oh. Yeah, like a buggy. A buggy. Because that's what your dad did. Yeah, because just, obviously, as a kid, you just go, that's just what...

That's what your dad does. That's what dads do, don't you? That's what blokes do. So like quite an unusual boy just walking around, you know, 1989. Quite unusual at school because it must have been all mums in the playground. Yeah. Dropping the kids off. It was, yeah. And I remember like school sports day and stuff like that when they'd all rock up. You know, there wasn't that many dads there, to be honest, you know, and they'd be one of the few kids.

lining up against all the mums for the race. How is Sports Day now? Do you go to Sports Day now? Yeah, I love Sports Day. Are you competitive? I'm alright. The problem is you end up with someone who's more competitive than you. You know, you sort of rock up and you think, oh, this will be a bit fun. You're in your jeans and your trainers and then someone's got like spikes on their shoes. You're like, alright mate, you're

And somebody inevitably pulls the hamstring. Every time. They do one race at our kids' primary school where you've got to get in groups of parents and then do all the different obstacles. And you start off and you're like, oh, hi, I'm Toby's mum. You're like, oh, nice to meet you. And then literally like 30 seconds into the race, she's like, come on, Susan, come on. She's really into it. You've let us down there. Yeah.

But you don't live up in London? No, no. So what happened when you were doing The Wizard of Oz? Wizard of Oz. So, yeah, we just had a little flat in Prince Cross. So I just stayed there. But it was, yeah, I just sort of came down. So you're addicted to Manchester? I don't think I'd ever live anywhere else than up there. Yeah, I love Manchester. I miss it, actually. Well, we were in Twickenham for a little while. And I was sort of in between the two. And...

And then I, and then my wife said, you know, oh, maybe we should, we need to buy a house because we were sort of renting. And so I looked at, in fact, I just mentioned this actually on the way here because I was looking at all the nice houses. And as we were looking at this house, it was like an end of terrace house that used to be a sweet shop and like a garden, like the size of this table. And,

£1.3 million. I was like, and my wife thought that was normal. I was like, let me bring you to the north where this house would be £280,000. Where's your wife from? Is she not northern? She's from Kent. Oh my God. How did you meet? She's a TV producer. Was she producing you? Yeah, she's perpetually producing me.

She made a show. Yeah, we did like a little pilot for a sitcom together, which didn't make it. But you did. But we did, yeah. And then she cast me in a show, a biopic of Tommy Cooper. She made a show called Not Like This, Like That. I went and blossomed from there. Can you cook? I can, but I do find it a chore. I find it a bit like washing up or ironing. It's something you've got to do.

To survive. I would have thought you being a creative, it's like your way to unwind. You think about jokes. You think about where do your best jokes come to you? Oh, that's just like... Shower? Yeah, shower and car and middle of the night.

Do you always write them down? I write everything down. But then obviously, like I'm sort of developing this tour now. So we're just about to go into the working progress. Is there a theme? No, not really. Not yet. I sort of, once everything's down, sometimes a theme starts to appear. And I've got a little bit of a theme about, because obviously my eldest kids are so, I didn't really talk about my kids in the last tour.

just because we'd just come out of lockdown and that seemed to be the big subject at the time. Whereas now I'm at that point where the kids, my eldest ones anyway, are, you know, they're nearly 16, you know, and they're near the end of their childhood. And that's quite a moment as a parent. I heard a phrase a long time ago about saying you only get 16 summers with your kids. Oh, don't, that's like...

It's like heartbreaking. I know, it's hard. Because obviously in the moment, when it's 365 days a year, 24-7. She's about to cry. Oh, let me tell you another statistic that will destroy you. Listen to this. By the age of 12, you have spent 75% of all the time you'll ever spend with your children. No, no. I know, it's horrible, isn't it? It actually broke my heart.

And obviously vice versa, 75% of all the time they'll ever spend with you. Actually, that isn't quite true. It's good if you can get a podcast together. But yeah, so it does, but it's good to hear things like that because it does re-engage. I found myself for a long time, certainly early on in my big children's childhood where, and I've watched back now like old videos and stuff where, and the way I describe it is to say I was there, but I wasn't present. When did you switch?

I think I heard that phrase, the 16 summers phrase, and was a bit like... And then I guess also I went through a divorce and then I suddenly became... When I had them, we had like a 50-50 with the kids there. I suddenly was like, right, I've just been working all the time. And suddenly I had to learn...

all these new things about that, that my ex-wife had done. And, you know, I remember having to go to like, I went to local, um, hairdressers and was like, um, can you show me how I was like, while the kids were at school, I was like, can you show me how to do girls hair? Because I've not done it. Like, and so, yeah, so it was like, you can do a French break. I mean, a little ballet bun on occasion, you know,

That's very sweet, you turning off at a hairdresser. I know, they were very nice actually and they let me try some hairstyles out. The girls don't let me near their hair now of course but

How old were they when you went through the divorce? My eldest would have been five, six. So it's hard. But all you can do is just... So you've had most children since... Yeah, so I have two with my wife. I would say my current wife. Your current wife. And they go, you're not allowed to call them that. The middle one, she doesn't like that. Little jokes that she doesn't like. But yeah, you sort of...

So do your kids all live in Manchester? Yeah, yeah, we live like five streets away. That's amazing. Yeah, really close. And that's one of the reasons I've not moved down as well because the kids are there. It's just a good support network and we get on and everybody gets on. That's so nice. A bit too well sometimes. You sort of come in and your wife and your ex-wife are just sat having a cup of coffee chatting and you're like, no, no. No.

These two worlds can't meet. It's called blended families. Yes, quite. Should we put the food on? Yes. Put it on, darling. Excited. So, obviously, this is a predominantly food podcast. Yes, of course. Oh, yeah, you were asking me about childhood food, weren't you? Well, yeah, no, and I love that we got boiled in the bag there. But you're not a big cook. No, not really. I do like a gadget.

Oh yeah? Yeah, so like, you know, we've got like an ice cream maker, like a ninja ice cream maker thing. Have you made any? Creamer, creamer. Oh my God, I'm obsessed with it. What's your flavour that you've been to? I've met a tiramisu ice cream. Oh, lovely. Yes, and I totally just stumbled on it. It was one of their, it was my birthday. I love a tiramisu. Yeah. A friend of ours had made me a tiramisu, but I was the only one who ate it. And I was like, it's going to go off this in two days.

I'll turn it into an ice cream into the freezer and it's still there yeah so I've got like it's a constant like six tubs of uh homemade ice cream just ready to go that's incredibly um that's lovely yeah it's prepared yeah um do you always get like a gadget at father's day yeah some I got like a samosa maker I got uh a couple of years ago that is still in the box to be fair um

Why? Do you love a samosa? Yeah, I mean, I love everything. You know when you go on that TV show, Saturday Kitchen, and they say, what's your food, hell? I go, nothing. Like, really? I had to really pretend, like, cauliflower? Like, I was just trying to find something to do. But, yeah, I sort of eat all sorts, really. Would you like a glass of wine with your lunch? Well, I'll have what you're having. What do you want? She's thrilled. I've got white or red or rosé. Whatever you pick.

Go on, you're the guest. I'm not a massive drinker. Do you want to know what we're eating? Yes, what will match the food? Meatballs, darling. I'll have a vimto then. I've got vimto. Have you really? Yeah. That's actually my favourite. Do you want a little vimto? I'll have a vimto. Will you? I'd rather that than wine. Would you? I would. A cheeky vimto. Do you want it hot? No, no, just cool. That's okay. Put two sugars in. I have vimto if I'm not well. You are proper Norvig. Yeah.

It just makes me think of being ill. Do you have to get it in the, when you go to the supermarket down here, is it in the foreign food section? It's definitely not. You can't get it anywhere. So it's really, very northern. Oh, she's got two. She can take one on the train. I love Vimso. I'm not a massive drinker really. I think because of the job I do.

I never really got into it. There was comics who needed a drink before they got on stage. You weren't that person. And I wasn't that person. I also started at 17, so I wasn't actually old enough to drink. So did you start with comedy? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You started at 17? Yeah. So was somebody... I mean, obviously, you were funny. You were making people laugh at school. Were you still at school at that point? Thank you. Yeah, I was at college, yeah. And...

What was the light bulb moment where you were like, I'm going to go and put myself out there? Yeah.

I don't remember there being a moment where I felt like... How did you get into the club? Well, I worked at this particular club, collecting lasses. What's it called? It was called The Buzz Club. It's a Chinese restaurant now. But everything has sort of moved on to something else, knocked down or whatever. Where was it? It was just in Nell Lane Estate in Chorlton. So it was a weird place because it was quite a tough area. And downstairs was quite a...

bit of a rough pub but upstairs was this lovely function room where people have weddings and funerals and whatnot and I would just clean up and wash up and they had a comedy night on a Thursday night and I saw some brilliant comics Carolina Hearn and Peter Kay and all these brilliant comics Steve Coogan and

And then one week, I was on about like three quid an hour or something. You know, I do a five-hour shift, collecting and washing up. And then the guy booking it was like panicking. It was like quarter to eight or something, and he was panicking. And he said, I said, oh, what's wrong, John? And he said, I've got three acts on the way up from London. The car's broke down, and I'm going to have to cancel. The landlady of the pub, Anne, said...

Jason could do it. You could do 10 minutes, couldn't you? 20 minutes or so. I said, no, of course I can't. You're mad.

She's like, he's doing performing arts at college. I was in a local college in Hume. And I said, no, I don't think that's the same thing. She's like, it's funny in the kitchen. I was like, in the kitchen though? Like for free and not in front of 200 people. Anyway, I tried to get out of it. And then in the end he went, I will give you £60 cash tonight if you can go and just, even if you're rubbish, it doesn't matter. I'll still give you £60. I thought, well, I can be rubbish for £60.

Wow. Sorry, do you mind if it's in the pack? No. And that's really brave. I guess you had the... You kind of were accustomed to being on stage because you were doing performing arts. Yeah, I'd done a bit. And like at school and college, like I had a teacher called Mr Wiley at school who...

I'd obviously sort of seen that I was able to do it. And so even when I was like 14, 15, if there was like an open day and they needed a kid to host something, I was the kid who'd host stuff, you know. So, yeah, so I got away with that. And I loved stand-up as well. So I'd seen a lot of comedy. Help yourself, darling. Oh, thank you very much. Well, I'll let you guys talk in first. No, go, go, go. So you say for 60 quid, I'm going to go and do it. I thought, why not? Yeah, so I sort of had 20 quid. I remember ringing my dad and saying, I'm going to go and do a gig. And he went, don't.

I said, what do you mean don't? I said, he's going to give me 60. He went, that's my local, that. I've got to go. I've still got to go in there. And he was like, if she's dying your ass, then I've got to still go in there. So your dad wasn't a pushy parent? No, not at all. Okay. Not at all. But my mum's side, they were all performers and singers and tribute acts and all sorts of stuff going on. So yeah, so my nana was...

My Nana Ryan, she came over from Dublin in the 50s and she was, her and her husband were like a folk duo, like an Irish folk duo and they had 11 kids.

and she turned them all into singers and musicians and then they were in a big show band then in the 70s like in the North West so I sort of grew up around performing and entertainment Could you play for Ireland then? I've got an Irish passport So have I Have you really? How much have we got in common here? It's crazy Massive Are you going to get up for 60 quid and do a little stand up? Maybe Maybe you should open up

open out for Jess? No darling. Will you help yourself darling? Thank you so much. So you go on. Yeah. Have you got anything in the bag? Do you know what was weird was the stuff I prepared the stuff I thought about in the five minutes I had was like there was at that point in time I remember there was like funny emails you'd get funny emails and stuff like that and I remember there was like

funny answers from Family Fortunes or something. I thought, oh, that'll be funny. Yeah. Anyway, it wasn't. And it was, but it wasn't like... Did you do Family Fortune then? No. Actually, I did a pilot when they were looking for a new host. I did...

during lockdown I did a pilot for it but you've got a new quiz show yeah and it's like the most successful daytime quiz show yeah it's unbelievable explain the premise we're going back to that story by the way but it's not it's oh this is the answer run yeah this is yeah well they say most successful like the biggest launch they've had for a daytime quiz show for 10 years that's massive which is amazing yeah still well off the point still well off the chase

that pointless but you know we'll get there back to this story I'm seeing this as like a biopic like I'm seeing this on the telly soon who would play the young Jason oh gosh yeah I don't know I'd like a

Maybe a brand new actor, I think. Someone you've not seen before. A young Tom Holland, you know, without the looks and the physique. I mean, look, Alan Carr's just had his. That's true, yeah. You should fucking write. Are you writing something? I'm always writing something. Would you ever? I don't know. I mean, I've sort of mined my life and career quite a lot for stand-up. But there is definitely something in it. I'm sort of chatting to somebody about a sitcom at the moment. Whether there's something, not necessarily going back to my childhood, but sort of.

definitely there's definitely enough in there because I've used so much of it in stand-up so I know it's fun and interesting and stuff so maybe one day back to the opening so it did it did it go well enough for your dad to go back yes that was fine what actually happened was about two weeks ago maybe about a week earlier I'd actually been mugged in coming home from college I was walking home with this with this girl and

And these guys had jumped out and we'd sort of been rehearsing for some play and then as we were walking back, these guys had jumped out and sort of mugged us. And anyway, that night when I was doing the gig, I sort of still had a bit of a black eye and a thick lip. Oh, God. Was that quite good, do you think, for the look? Well, yeah. I think what happened was about a couple of minutes in, somebody heckled me at my very first gig. They said, what happened to your face? And I said, oh, I got mugged and they laughed. What?

You know, because in comedy, there's a very fine line between comedy and tragedy. You know, tragedy can... They sort of say it's, you know, tragedy plus time, you know, is comedy. So I sort of told them the story of what had happened, where I sort of... And I remember at the time even sort of... There was a little moment that I thought was quite funny. Even in the moment of being mugged, I thought, if I survive this, this will be a funny anecdote. Right. Which was...

I'd said to this guy, this guy said to me, give me your money or we'll beat you up. And I obviously, given those options, gave him what little money I had in my pockets. And then he beat me up anyway. And it was afterwards, I remember thinking...

I'm actually more annoyed that he'd broken our verbal agreement like we didn't that was a there's a there's a code you know he broke it yeah and uh yeah honor amongst thieves wasn't any so that was the sort of uh angle on the story and uh and that actually became one of my first sort of routines then about what you know being mugged and stuff I used then later on you know sort of six years later on live at the Apollo and

So after that, were you invited back to do it? And then that was just the start of comedy. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah.

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Have you had a thought about your last supper? Oh, yeah. So, what is it? Starter, main, dessert? Drink of choice. Well, I think, would it be Vimto? Well, I don't know. Vimto in a restaurant, maybe. No, this is an imagining restaurant. It's anything you desire, you get. I think I'm a bit obsessed with Coke Zero. I just drink Coke Zero all the time. Do you? Yeah, like, all the time. Yeah.

That would be your drink? Yeah, and it's a bit boring, isn't it, really? I've got some of that too. Do you like the perfect host? Yeah, I do like a fizzy drink. Or if I'm on holiday, I'm like... I never drank beer, and wine I always feel looks nicer than it tastes. So I always find it a bit sharper. And like I said, beer I never got taught.

So I went on a stag do last year and when I, um, I remember like, and they start at like half 10, 11 o'clock, like, you know, come down by the pool and there was just like 16 pints of lager and then just one pina colada in the middle. I was like, that's mine. So I'm like, yeah, I love, I love a cocktail. I always say, you know, when the, like a barman says, Oh, what sort, what sort of cocktails? I say, imagine a seven year old was allowed in here. What would they have?

That's my palate when it comes to drinks. So it's like lots of grenadine in there. Yeah, or like chocolatey sort of Bailey type sort of things. Yeah, I love all that. Okay, what about food? Where are we going for the starter? I'm trying to think what my like, if I see it on the menu, I definitely have it. I tell you what, I can't be bothered with at all. When you order prawns and then you've got to do some of the work. You don't want to. I hate that. I think I may as well put a bloody chef's out on here.

I'm getting the apron. I don't know. I cannot be bothered. Are you thinking about a prawn cocktail? Like, I love a prawn cocktail. But you don't, you want the small little prawns. But it has to be, yeah, or you do it. It has to be done. You do it and then I'll eat it. Like, I'm not all that. And then they bring a little. Yeah, I have a bit, yeah. They bring the bowl out to wash your hands. I'm like, come on. No, I know, and you've got fishy fingers. Come on. Yeah, no, fair enough. Um,

Are you going for a shelled prawn cocktail as your starter? Is that what we're going for, or am I putting words in your mouth? Then I do like a little parfait as well, actually. A little duck and, you know... Delish. A couple of crackers. Yeah, love that. A little Melba toast, yeah. That's nice as well. A little chutney. Yeah, I like that. Caramelised onion sitch. I think that might be the one, actually. Okay. Yeah. Because I did...

One of my most popular posts, you know, they rate how many views it got, was I posted about a ploughman's lunch in Kent when we were down in Kent. Because it was like 20 quid, this ploughman's lunch. Yeah, it was a proper... Well, you would expect so, but... She's paid as expensive, though, you say. I just thought, it just wasn't... It wasn't cut it. They'd not even cut the apple. I was like, come on now, what's this? So I sort of did a little... It was like a jokey post about it, but people are very passionate about...

Ploughman. Ploughman, yeah. Very passionate about their food. Did the establishment that you were in reply? No, I kept them very anonymous, so just in case, you know, and actually I'm glad I did in the end. But then again, I went back recently to somewhere else in Kent and theirs was cracking, and so I did give them a shout out. But I try not to. If it's negative, I try and keep it anonymous. Crusty bread with the ploughmans. I like a crusty bread, yeah. Let's go on to your mains. What would be the main?

I love pasta, so a good, you know, classic sort of carbonara, something like that would be a good one for me. I'm not a big fan of, you know, your sort of meat and two veg sort of, like I'm not a fan of the Sunday roasting. You're joking. I know people, that's exactly the reaction I get.

People can't believe it. I would have thought you'd be the face of Sunday roast. I'm basically the same as the England manager not singing the national anthem. When you say you're not like a Sunday roast, they're like, what a traitor. The Queen would have been livid. It is treacherous. So what, would you go for an Italian on a Sunday instead? Even at Christmas dinner, we've gone for an Indian on Christmas dinner. I just think, like, I just don't get it. I just don't get the Sunday dinner. People do that feeling, they go, yeah, but you're not my woman.

But I have had lots of different ones. We had a lovely chef called Tommy Banks with Mars. And I said, I never think Sunday roasts are very good out. Yeah. I just think that we can do it better. And he was like, you need to come to my restaurant. But yeah, I won't be inviting you as my guest one. No, I just...

Why don't you like it? A bit bland, I think. A bit bland. Panned? You know, when you think about... Oh, you've never had my sundae. Yeah, I don't know. Roast potatoes are the most delicious thing. I'm not bothered about roast potatoes. Your husband... Do rice or pasta over potatoes anyway? No, your husband, a good roast potato, crispy on the outside and fluffy in the middle. And a nice gravy. Gravy. I'll take gravy, yeah. Of course, I love gravy. And a Yorkshire pudding. Yeah.

They're alright. It's not fast. It's not fast. It's not fast. Do you not like... This is nicer than a sundae. Do you like it? Yeah, it's delicious. Absolutely delicious. So maybe I'll go with that or... Carbonara. I'll tell you what I do like, if I am, because you can't be bothered making it at home.

is a beef wellington. Oh, I think that's lovely. But you can't be ass making. If you're out and they're doing it proper. Oh, yeah. I think M&S do them at Christmas ready made. Well, maybe that's what you'll do this year. Maybe that's what I'll do. I do still have a... I'm not like a... But I do find the beef wellington is so clever because if they do it right and the meat is still pink in the middle, yet the shell is crispy. You have to sear it before you put it all together. Yeah.

It's really... Yeah, like a savoury baked elastic. Yeah, a savoury baked elastic. How's it done? It's magic. Are you a sweets person?

Oh, yeah, of course. Coke Zero and Vimto. Sorry that's got no sugar in. No, that's fine. I don't mind at all. Yeah, like to a ridiculous level, like to the point where you go, ah, Fulton Burst in. Dessert menu, sir? Yeah, yeah. I'll have a look. And tiramisu would be your thing. I love a tiramisu if that's on the menu. Or if you're in like a classic sort of English pub or something and they do, you know, like a... Bread and butter. Yeah, bread and butter pudding. Sticky toffee. I love that. Sticky toffee.

Even an apple pie and custard. Yeah, nothing. Anything like that. Any sort of classic dessert. I've got a plum shortcake for dessert. With cream. Yes. With cream, yeah. Perfect. And yeah, anything like that, I'm a big fan of.

Any flavoured ice creams and, yeah, I think there's very rarely a pudding that I don't go, I made a creme brulee. Thank you, that was delicious. Thank you, Mum. I'll get this, hold on, right. Oh, wow. This looks delicious, Mum. Well... Do you have a, do you like a cheese board at the end of it? I, yeah, I do. I took my parents and family out to a really lovely restaurant in Manchester many years ago. What's it called? Um...

it was like grill on the alley or something like that it was like really lovely city centre did a really good steak and wagyu beef you know one of those jobbies and erm

I remember my little brother was like 14 at the time and so we'd had this three course meal and wine and whatever it was really and then the guy came it was and the cheese board was so posh that it was on a tray that was on wheels you know and they sort of brought it and they showed you the cheese that they were going to cut from yeah and my dad was like just cheddar for me please you know very simple man and my brother who's a bit my next brother along he used to be a chef so he's like a bit

bit more like into his different tastes and then my little brother was about yeah he was about 13 14 and he went in a posh accent no one had ever heard him do before and he went do you have a cheese string oh lovely thank you yes your brother was a chef or is he's had loads of jobs my brother he's one of them he's a he's a food tech teacher now wow yeah in manchester yeah but he makes the teachers he makes the kids call him chef

Yes, chef. Like the bear. Yes, chef. All these little scally kids in South Manchester. That's brilliant. I respect it. That's brilliant.

Is there a kind of camaraderie amongst comedians? So would you support other comedians? Would you go and watch them? Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely. So who's your favourite comedian? I mean, Peter Kay was always my hero, you know, growing up. And then I'd watch, you know, I was in Scotland last year and I went to see Kevin Bridges doing a warm-up gig and...

Scott Bennett is sort of a newer comic and Emmanuel Sanubi and, like, mates of mine who I was on the circuit with, like John Bishop and... Loved. We've had John Bishop. He's the nicest man. Such a lovely man, yeah. Sarah Millican. Have you had Sarah yet? No. No. She's a great chap. No, I'd love to. Sarah Pascoe. Have I. You had her. Sarah Keyworth. They're all called Sarahs. I don't know why. But, yeah, loads of... I just... I love comedy, so I still...

And I've, you know, sort of set up a comedy club company as well. So I've got, we've got like 30 comedy clubs across the country. That's amazing. Yeah, it was. Well, because the, what's it called? It's just Manfred's Comedy Club. All right, fair enough. Nothing particularly. Sorry about that. No, it's fine. Nothing particularly groundbreaking. But it was more of a, you know, at that time where I was starting to stand up, there was, you didn't know what gig you were turning up to. You could be at a lovely small theatre where everyone was volunteers and really excited to see you at a brilliant backstage and,

And you get paid on the night and...

Or you could be working for, you turn up and there's like an upturned crate in the middle of a restaurant, no microphone and didn't get paid at all. So there was no industry standard. So once I sort of started to get a name and I thought, actually, there's a world here where we could sort of maybe force an industry standard onto a lot of the clubs by treating, you know, or the great thing about stand-up comedy is everyone is there to have a great time. Like no one is thinking, no one is, there's no negative. The audience, the acts,

and the promoter, all of you just want a great full night of comedy. So it was just, I guess it was one of those things of like you get into a certain level and I guess there's two choices, isn't there? You can either pull the ladder up and go, I'm all right, or you can leave it down and go, right, can anything I do influence and help other people who are coming through this system? Because it's already set against you. And it's, you know, it's a hard industry for,

For everybody. So we have, I think about 30 nights now across the country and they do really well. That's amazing. Yeah, nice mixed bills. Some of my sound people or crew, they'll go off and do like... Of course, yeah. They go and do work with comedians. They say that their schedules for comedians is like relentless. I don't know. I mean, just because I guess you can if you choose...

do seven nights in a row if you wanted to. Yeah, yeah. Well, certainly when you're on the arena tour, those buildings, because all you're doing there, as you know, is just hiring a big barn and then you've got to put the sound and lights and stage and everything inside it. So you have to do six, seven nights a week to make it worth it. But like, what's more exhausting, doing musical theatre or doing like a tour? Musical theatre. Really? Oh my God. Yeah. Because stand up, you know, once the tour's up and running and it's going and I'm surrounded by good people who know what they're doing, I'm like,

Most of the time, I don't even go for a sound check now. Because I just go, you know what to do. You know what my voice is. And I'm only talking. So I don't need fallbacks and all that sort of thing. Do you ever sing? I don't really. I mean, we did Assembly Bangers on the last tour. Assembly Bangers? Which was just at the back of lockdown. I'd sort of said...

what a lovely way to start the day when you're at primary school and you sing all these songs. You used to make me cry on the, did you do the Zooms where they do? Oh yeah, yeah. I'd cry. I know. Because they'd be doing Bob Marley, don't worry, three little birds, don't worry about a thing, everything's going to be right. And I was like that with like 200 kids. So I'd just get the audience. On Zoom. Yeah. I'd get the audience to sing, you know, Whole World in His Hands and This Little Light of Mine and stuff. And then I sort of jokingly said, you know,

Isn't it weird that no DJ has remixed it into a club anthem because the audience already know the words to a song, which is the hardest bit as a singer, I imagine, is getting a catchy hook. So I ended up getting a DJ friend of mine to just turn it into this song.

like club anthem and it was so fun it was so fun it was actually a brilliant way to end the show which I'm slightly missing on this one I'm a bit like I'll never get anything as well what are you going to end with? I mean in the traditional probably thank you goodnight

That's the beauty of stand-up. You can just leave it on a big laugh. Do you go to comedy? I never go to comedy. I find comedy really difficult. I do as well. Live comedy. I just find it very stressful to be made to laugh if I'm not going to laugh. Yeah. You don't have to laugh. Of course you fucking do. You're paid to try and have a laugh. Don't. I had a fella fall asleep.

You had a fella fall asleep? This weekend in Tenerife. You're joking. I posted it on, let me show you. Oh, that's great. He fell asleep? No, to be fair, he was absolutely hammered. He'd had a big day? Oh, right. He fell asleep? I would have gone and woken him up. Well, I tried, but he was absolutely, where is it? He was with all his mates, and as I came out onto stage, I was halfway through the opening bit, and a fella said, I'm a bit asleep, and he was like crashed out, and I thought...

Gosh, I said, what? He's a labourer. I said, well, he's probably knackered. I said, he's paid 30 quid. He can do what he wants. Once he's bought a ticket, I don't bother. It's up to you, isn't it? But he slept through the whole thing. The whole thing. Like 45 minutes. I even did the rave, the assembly mangas rave. Nothing. So in the end, I went and had a little selfie with him. Oh, my God, that's brilliant. Just went out on his... Oh, my God. Brilliant. You say you're a man of gadgets. What would be...

The kitchen utensil, if your house was on fire, what would you leave with? What would I have to go back for? A condiment or something and a utensil. I think the... I've got a brilliant can opener. I know they're not used as much these days because of the... Yeah. Tuna. For whatever reason, tuna are saying we're not adapting. We're staying classic. So true.

They're not getting a Tetra Pak. Yeah, we're not. We've made our bed. It's so beautiful. It's probably about 10 years old. Probably, yeah. It'll last forever, yeah. So we've got... It just clicks off. Bam, bam, bam, bam. So satisfying. Would you like a bit more put? I would. Would you? I would, actually, yeah. Is that all right? Of course. It's really nice, though. Delicious. It's kind of like a...

Is it a crumble? They called it a shortcake, but it's a crumble. Let's be honest. It's got almonds in it. Where are the almonds? Oh, there's like a tart. Is that enough? You can have more. And there's more cream. Thank you. And then what thing in the fridge or the larder would you be taking with you? Apart from the tuna. I need a tuna now. I don't want to look a right idiot, wouldn't I? With a can opener that I don't need. Oh, your tuna's gone up in flames.

What would I get? What would I have to get? I don't know. There is some chocolate, like in the, you know when you get a special box of chocolate that's in the cupboard, but not opened yet. Which chocolates are they? It's those like, you know those like seashells. Oh, I love them. Gilead. I love them. Why are they so nice? Lidl do really good. Lidl do the coffee. It's so great. It's funny how those things that used to, it's like Ferrero Rocher, you're like, oh, the ambassador, now you're like, quit. Quit.

A quid at Lidl? I love Ferrero Rocher. Ferrero Rocher still bangs. Yeah. What I'm saying is, if you turned up at the ambassador's reception... And they gave you one of those. And they gave you a Ferrero Rocher that you can get in Lidl for a pound, you'd be like, what country is this ambassador from? Do you ever sing karaoke? Oh, I love karaoke. So do I. I did that all week in itinerary. Jesse hates it. Oh, do you not like it? What's your song?

I'll sort of go quite early on a Delilah. Oh, wow. Like a Delilah. Something that the audience join in on. Oh, okay. That's what I'm trying to go for. I used to do a Sweet Caroline, but it's been taken over now with the football. Yeah, I was going to say you were a Sweet Caroline guy. I can't do it now because the football. Any Oasis songs? Yeah, Don't Look Back in Anger. Yeah. I'll smash one of them out. Do you want to see them? Of course we do. Seminal moment. Seminal moment.

Massive. I mean, I like the anthems and you can sing along and that's good. They've got some incredible songs. They've got banger after banger. And actually, it hasn't aged badly. You know more songs than you think as well. And every song sounds like you could go on as, like, every song sounds so exciting and anthemic that,

in a stadium what order are they going to do it in exactly it's going to be mad isn't it they're going to start with the forever what will they finish with they'll finish with I don't know because there's some that are obvious we went to see Billy Joel in Sheffield about eight years ago me and Peter actually me and Peter Kay went to see him was he a friend of yours yeah yeah and Peter and Billy Joel is a friend of Peter's how randomly I don't know

No. But we went there, we were sat like second row. And all the way through, Billy Joel's like, I got Peter Kay here. And everyone's like, what? It was amazing. It was so random. But I remember we watched him and he got to the end of the gig and he'd done all the New York State of Mind and Always a Woman, all the classic, brilliant songs. Does he sing Uptown Girl? He comes on, he does Uptown Girl as his encore. And we're like, oh, I'm so excited. Then he finishes and there's a moment you go,

oh, he's not done piano, man. So we're like right in the middle of this arena, Sheffield Arena, and it's gone black, you know, and the noises start and everyone's like, he's missing a song here. He's not done piano, man, the classic. And then there was like a spotlight on the centre of the stage and this piano that had not been there before is now there, like a silver piano. How exciting, love. And then right on the other side of the stage, Billy Joel, another...

and it's a spotlight on him and then the stage just sort of floated together and they just came together and they got really close and you know when the audience are quiet like imagine like 30,000 people 20,000 people silent in anticipation and it just got closer and closer and like tingles like people's like tears in their eyes like tingles and as it got closer and he like he gave the piano a kiss and we were like oh my gosh and then he just before he started a woman behind me just went do piano man ha

literally me and Peter like oh shut up what do you think he's going to do you dickhead really ruined that moment for us oh my god Jason before we let you go yes what is a very nostalgic taste for you that can transport you back somewhere that's a good question I think it's got to be

Like a bourbon biscuit, you know? Would you like bourbon? I wouldn't choose them. No, well, why would you have that one? It was obviously given them by his dear grandma or something like that. Yeah, so my auntie used to work at the McVitie's factory in Manchester. It's just on the A6 there. And so what we would get is...

The broken ones. A bag of broken biscuits, yeah. A big blue bag of broken biscuits every sort of fortnight would come and just full of all these brilliant different biscuits. And like to a point where I think I was like 12 before I realised what a penguin biscuit looked like. I was like, I've never seen a full one. But a penguin is a bourbon covered in chocolate. That is a myth.

You think? I'm afraid so, yeah. Well, tell me. I saw the same TikTok video. Go on, tell me. Then a guy went and disproved it. And what is it? A penguin. It's a penguin. Who are you following on TikTok? Same people. Penguin. Penguin enthusiast. I thought of that. I didn't. Jason Manford, thank you so much for being on. Pleasure. Thanks for meeting me. It's been so nice to meet you. So lovely. That was absolutely great. And maybe you will get me into comedy.

I'd like to come to yours and have a good night. Can we come? What I'll say is, I know you say there's pressure to laugh, but there should be enough other people laughing that it doesn't matter if you're not. That's quite infectious as well, isn't it? Yeah, people laughing and you're with the good people. Every so often something tickles you, that's fine. Smiling's enough. So which London gigs are you doing? We're at the Palladium. Oh, wow.

Oh, wow. Lovely. Perfect comedy, sort of vaudeville theatre where they're just so close. And Bruce is underneath as well. He's got his ashes underneath the stage. Oh, bless him. And his ashes underneath? Bruce Forsythe's down there. I didn't know that. He's got Sleigh Teressa and Des O'Connor, yeah. I thought everybody knew that. And a few weeks after it happened, I'd done a TV show with Bruce not long before he died. Yeah.

And so when I did the Palladium, I said to the audience, I said, thanks so much. I said, it means so much to me as well because, you know, I did a show here with Bruce Forsyth only a few months ago and now he's no longer with us. And I know that he'll be down there looking up at us. Oh my God. I know. And I thought, it's only when I got off stage, I thought, oh, they don't know he's down there. Like now it looks like I've just gone because we know where he ended up. Like,

Oh, down there? Yeah, exactly. It's only pretty dark. Oh, my God, that's brilliant. Where would you like your ashes? I don't want to be morbid or anything. I'm not bothered, really. Just somewhere cheap. City, main... It's not Main Road anymore, is it? No, no, Etihad, yeah. No, I don't think so. I don't think I'd do it there. I think just somewhere cheap and cheerful. I don't want anyone spending a lot of money on it. Okay. And also somewhere that people don't have to go.

Because I've got an Irish family, all of them get buried. And you still have to go. And have a stone and everything. And have a moment where you're just surrounded by other dead people. So I just think somewhere they can just... It's just in the world. It doesn't matter, does it? Anyway, this has got different. Thank you so much. Pleasure. MUSIC

Oh, what a lovely guy. Gorgeous. Loved him. Taller than you would imagine. Pleasantly surprised, were you, Lenny? Gorgeous. From Man City supporter. Tall, nice. Really nice. Really funny. And I will be going to his Palladium show in London. Likes a cheeky vimter. Well, not even a cheeky vimter. No. A normal one. No.

Nice guy. I loved hearing about all the stories. What an amazing story. Growing up and starting and getting his first break, it feels like the kind of beginning of a new Netflix show, doesn't it? Thank you, Jason Manford, for coming on. And we will see you next week for more Table Man.

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