Although she won the award of California Young Mother of the Year, Trina admits she is not a perfect parent. She shares lessons learned parenting along her imperfect road.

Tamara K. Anderson interviews Trina Boice about life as an imperfect parent and the lessons she has learned along the way. Today we discuss:

Miscarriages
The "Whatever" Mantra
Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Don't Be Afraid to Go Deep

You can find Trina on her social media platforms of Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and YouTube. You can also find her on the following websites:

MovieReviewMom.com

LifelongLearningEducation.com

FromBook2Business.com

Here is the transcript of Trina's episode:

Trina 0:02

It went from pretending to really connecting with my child. And it was a really hard conversation. There were lots of tears that were shed. But in the end, lots of hugging, and a greater appreciation for the paths and the journeys that we take and how different they all are.

Tamara Anderson 0:28

Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.

My guest today is a doctor and a number one best-selling author of 31 books and was named the California Young Mother of the Year, an award which completely amuses her four sons. She teaches online for Brigham Young University and creates online courses at lifelonglearningeducation.com. She's also a movie critic at moviereviewmom.com and has a daily podcast on Alexa called Daily Inspirational Quote with Trina. She worked as a legislative assistant for a congressional representative in Washington DC and was given the Points of Light Award and Presidential Volunteer Service Award for her domestic and international community service. She's taught classes at the famous Lake Cordon Bleu Culinary College, and she says she has the weight gain to prove it. If she told you everything that she really does, she'd have to kill you. Basically.

I am pleased to present Dr. Trina Boyce. Trina, are you ready to share your story of hope?

Trina 1:57

Oh, thank you for having me, Tamara. You know, I adore you. And for those listening, I've known Tamara for, I don't know, two, three years now. Right?

Tamara Anderson 2:08

Something like that. I can't remember. But it's been fun. So question, Trina, how in the world did you end up being named California Young Mother of the Year? I mean, I know that people are named mothers of the year. I always imagine them to be like these perfect moms. I know that's not the right image I should be putting in my brain. But I guess when you get an award like that people assume that's what it is. Why don't you tell me a little bit of background on that? Were you the perfect mom?

Trina 2:47

Oh no, absolutely not. I always say I look really good on paper. But the title is awarded by a wonderful organization called American Mothers Inc. I was involved with it when I was living in Georgia. Then I moved to California and I was still involved. Then one year I actually received that honor.

But it's kind of tricky. Because if they just said, “We just think you're great, have this award,” that would be wonderful. It's kind of a little bit of a competition, because people can nominate a bunch of women. From all those women, they have to pick one winner. I didn't like that experience, because anybody who loses feels like oh, well, then I guess I'm not a good mother. That's absolutely not the case at all. All of the women were absolutely incredible. They often look for women that have a lot of kids, look good on paper, but are really involved in their communities, have a platform and have something that really speaks to the world and the time. I was involved in a lot of things. That's why I say my kids just laugh at that because they know I'm not a perfect mother at all.

Tamara Anderson 4:12

I think everybody's kids could testify that their parents are not perfect parents, you know all the kids out there. It is a juggling thing. I think we all have good days and bad days. I think we'll probably talk a little bit about parenting successes and failures.

Trina 4:32

I can share a lot of failures with you that is for sure. So I have four sons, and they're all awesome. When I was young I actually had a dream that I was going to have four sons and I dreamt of them outside in our backyard. We had a basketball court in our backyard and I saw these four guys. They were tall. They were playing basketball. I just loved watching them play because you could tell they were getting such a kick out of being together. I just thought, “Oh, I can't wait to meet them.” So when I got married and had my first baby, we thought, “Well, let's have a boy because everybody needs a big brother.” So boom, we had a boy. We're like, “Well, that was easy.” He was awesome. We're like, “What's everybody complaining about?” So then we said, “All right, you know, ready for another one.”

We both thought we needed to have four, because we came from siblings of only three kids in the family, and somebody was always left out. So we were convinced we needed to have an even number and two wasn't enough, and six was way too many for us. We wanted another boy, but we thought if we have a girl, great, then we'll have one of each. But if we have another boy, they'll be best buddies. And we had another boy and they've been best buddies. In fact, that son was born on my bedroom floor, delivered by my husband by accident, because he was born so fast. Then the third time around, we're like, “Well, you know, a girl would be fun,” but I kept thinking about that dream. I'm like, I'm pretty sure it's gonna be a boy.

In fact, I had had some miscarriages. I was struggling a lot with my body to produce a healthy baby. I had this miscarriage and I was just overcome, I was distraught, I was depressed and anxiety, and all of that, and just couldn't snap out of it. Part of it was hormones. My body was finally pregnant when I lost that baby. And so for a long time, my body was like, What happened? Where'd the baby go? And I was reading books and trying to get comfort from something.

Then one morning, I was laying in my bed, and I heard a voice. And it was a young boy’s voice. And he said, “Mom.” That's all he said. But in an instant, I knew that my next baby was going to be a boy, I knew that was him, giving me comfort, and just saying the one word, “Mom,” he let me know he was okay, the timing was going to work out, my body would recover, everything was under control. It gave me just incredible comfort.

I was able to pull out of that, get my body together and then have him and, and it was so fun to meet him, when he was finally born, and to watch his life unfold. To see out of all of my kids, he would be the one to speak through that veil that separates us between Earth and beyond to say, “I'm here, I love you.” And that's how he is today. So affectionate and sweet. Not that the other boys aren't affectionate and sweet, but there's something very unique about him. So then I just figured, okay, this dream is actually coming true. So I knew the last one was going to be a boy as well. Sure enough, I have my four boys, they all did play basketball, and more importantly, they love hanging out together. So that's my little story.

So I do a lot of business in China. The country policy has changed. Now they're allowed to have more than one child, but for many years, they had a one child policy. When I would give presentations, they would announce me or introduce me as being a mom of four sons. People would freak out. It would blow their minds. They would just say how much they were struggling with one and they would just say, “You must be an amazing mom.” I'm like, “No, let me give you the scoop.”

So my second son, the one who was born at home by accident, he loves video games. When he was a kid, all he ever wanted to do was play video games. I know that's not unique. But he just was obsessed with them. I, as a good mother, I would always say, “No honey, that's enough video game playing for today. Why don't you go off and develop some talents or some skills or hobbies for your future career?” I was always trying to teach my kids to get some skills that are marketable. I really struggled with him. The other kids would be, “Okay, fine.” They would go out and play and they'd be happy but that was just his big love was playing these video games. Well guess what that son does for a living now?

He designs video games at a company called Blizzard, which is a hugely popular, successful company. He does the 3D animated artwork that go into the video game called World of Warcraft that Blizzard produces. He loves it. It's his dream job. What does a parent really want but for their child to be happy and productive and contributing to the world? That's what he's doing. So when I would speak to these Chinese parents, I would always say, “Just calm down. First of all, everything's gonna work out fine. But listen to your kids, because they have something in their heart, they know what they want to be and do and give and have in their life, and you can support them.” Not that I didn't support him, but I thought he had to go in my direction. I had a certain path that I wanted him to follow in. I didn't know anything about video games, or even art really, for that matter. It's just been such a thrill to watch him use his God given talents to truly do something that was not on my radar at all. He makes a great living. I'm so proud of him and so happy for him.

Tamara Anderson 11:14

Wow. So how do you do that, Trina? Because I know it's not easy for parents to nudge and nurture and try to help kids as they're making decisions about what they want to become and be when they grow up. What advice would you give to parents who are struggling with this?

Trina 11:39

It is hard, and I appreciate your recognizing that. You're in the thick of it too, because I am really young. Three of my kids now have their careers, they’re adults, they're moving on with life. They have made some great choices and have done some really cool things. My youngest son is still right in the thick of trying to figure out who he is, and what he wants to do for his life. Probably my best advice would be to expose your children to lots of different things. I think most parents are pretty good at saying, “Let's sign up for piano lessons and soccer.” Sometimes they grab hold of that becomes their thing. Other times, it just is not their thing. So you move on and say, “Let's try this. Let's try that.” I have to applaud my dad because he did a great job of that. He was constantly exposing us to travel or different restaurants or different activities. It helped me as a young girl know that there's a whole world out there of really cool things. Some things I liked. Some things I didn't like. So to just constantly offer up new things to try.

My kids, not once in their life, ever told me, “Mom, I'm bored.” I know a lot of kids say that, and not to my credit, but they knew there were so many things out there to try and so many super cool, exciting things to try. Even with my young son, we do that. For example, he is really interested in spirituality. He has not committed to one religion, even though he grew up with my religion. I absolutely allow each of my kids to choose what settles best in their heart, as long as they have some kind of a relationship with God.

At one point I had a son who was like, “There is no God.” I said, “Nope, that's not fair.” Just because you can't prove that He's alive or dead, He is there. At least say you're an agnostic, which means you don't know for sure, and allow that window or that door to open. So with my youngest son, he is interested to see what is out there, what are all my choices. We go to a lot of different churches and synagogues and mosques and different forums and firesides and devotionals, and meetings and gatherings of all of the different events that happen in my city. I live in Las Vegas and we've got just a lot of really cool stuff to choose from. We attend an interfaith forum every fall for eight weeks. They offer different religions or leaders from different religious groups to come and teach a little bit about their religious dogma and doctrine. I love that and I love sharing that with him because we have these fantastic discussions. We don't always agree on everything. But I've tried to work very hard at making sure all of my communication with my kids is open and to let them know I am supportive of whatever you want to do, as long as it's not illegal or unhealthy, or, you know, really crazy.

I think it’s important to really be open-minded and to be willing to try stuff yourself too. When we started traveling to China, one of my sons that I took with me absolutely fell in love with China. He was at university at the time. As soon as we got back from our trip, he enrolled in a Mandarin class. Now that is one of the great loves of his life. He even went on to marry a lovely girl from Hong Kong. So we have this fun international flavor in our family now. We really have to learn Mandarin much better than what we know right now. But I love that your kids can expose you to things that you never would have imagined before. So I've absolutely learned that.

Tamara Anderson 16:01

Wow, that is that is amazing. I love how positive you are about that. It hasn't all come as smooth sailing. I know you were telling me before we even started the podcast about how sometimes your kids take a different path than you would have imagined that they will take. You told me the example of your youngest being done with high school when he was a sophomore? Why don't you share that story and tell me how you were able to work through that as a parent, and help him even though it wasn't the path you would have chosen for him?

Trina 16:39

Right now, for me personally, education is extremely important. You announced that I have a doctoral degree. I do. That's how much of an academic nerd I am. Of course, I expect all of my kids to get straight A's, be on the honor roll, on the Dean's list, in university, graduate with honors, keep going, all of that. My three oldest kids have done that. Although my second one took a detour. For a while, I didn't think he was going to. In fact, before I tell you about my younger son, I really think it's important that I mention that you need to show respect to your kids. You expect them to respect you. In other words, everybody recognizes that your opinion has value, even if it's different. Your lifestyle choices have value even if they might be different. So my second son, who's this incredibly successful artist at Blizzard, actually got hired before he even graduated with his animation degree. I said, “Oh, but you have to get that degree.” For years, I bugged Adam, “Don't forget to get that degree.” He was only two classes shy of getting his actual bachelor's degree in animation and computer video design and all of that. He's like, “Mom, I just don't need it in my industry. Talent is what's more important.” But I kept persisting. Finally, I backed off and said, “You know what, not everybody is going to get a degree and that is okay.” He was successful, doing what he loved, so I stopped bugging him.

That next year for Christmas, all the kids and my husband pulled out their cell phones and they're like, “Okay, open up this next present.” I'm like, “Why are you all surrounding me, what is in this box?” They all knew and I had not a clue. I opened up the box, and inside was a graduation cap and a diploma. He had called the university, worked it out with his professors, and got those two classes finished and got his degree and I just burst into tears. I had really resigned myself to saying, “You know what, it's okay if he doesn't get that degree.” I really, truly meant it and believed it. But I gotta tell you, I'm thrilled still that he got that degree.

Back to my youngest son. He is quite an intellectual but he could not stand to sit in a classroom one minute longer. So at the end of his sophomore year, I got invited on a speaking tour. It was my very first trip to China. I said, “Would you mind if I brought a couple of my sons with me?” I didn't think that they would say yes, but they were like, “Of course.” I was like, “Really? I mean all expenses paid for all three of us?” They're like, “Sure.” So my two youngest sons are both break-dancers. So I said, ‘Hey, here's the deal. I'll give my boring speech. Then my kids can like dance and entertain the crowds, so that we felt like we were royalty with the audiences just going crazy, not for me and my boring speeches.” The kids would come out and we felt like rock stars, they would swarm us and want our autographs. They made us just feel like Hollywood celebrities or something. Who wouldn't love that? It was awesome. That's why we all immediately fell in love with China because we were treated so well. My youngest son is looking at that, like, “Huh, I could stay in China and be a rockstar, or I could go sit in math class back in high school.” We came home from this speaking tour and he lasted two days and said, “Can't do it, not going to do it.” I'm like, “What? That's not the plan.” We really battled, but I could tell that this wasn’t going to work.

When we were in China, I spoke in a lot of different venues: at tea houses and a huge amphitheaters and libraries and schools. I talked about a lot of different topics. One of the schools that I spoke at had this fantastic principal. I just adored him, fell in love with him instantly. I got on WeChat, we started talking and I said, “I don't know what to do. My son wants to go back to China.” He's like, “Send him here. I will pay him to teach English in my school. I'll pay him to teach hip hop dance to my students. I will personally give Mandarin lessons and teach him about the culture.”

I'm like, “Are you kidding me? That is just too good to be true.” I think in any other circumstances, I would have really hesitated. But because I knew him, I trusted him, I could completely visualize where my son was going to be. I felt really comfortable with that. I said, “All right, let's try it.” So my son and I got on a plane and flew back to China. I stayed with him for about a week or so. My son just blossomed. Before, he was all depressed and mopey and, “My parents are so stupid, and I can't wait to get out of Las Vegas.” Just worst attitude ever.

Within minutes, really, of being in China, he just blossomed. I thought, “Okay, this is not the path that I would have chosen....

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Trina Boice: Parenting Truths from an Imperfect Parent