Sarah Sherman
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You like that? Hop-a! Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOV. We'll solve all your problems. Call in. Very happy to have Sarah Sherman in Stavi's World. Thanks for coming. Thanks for having me. Of course. Of course.

Yeah, you get the fucking standing O. We got super producer Eldest wearing a loud garish shirt just for Sarah. Can people see that? I had to. I had to. Yeah, we got the camera going right here. Yeah, he's got the Alba cam. You know how the fuck we do.

We got high production value here at Stavi's World. I literally would have worn something to match that. Like, I got a vest with a bunch of playing cards on it. I have my dice earring that I got in Vegas. I know. I was looking for, like, my most garish thing. I was like, does this even make sense for her? Would she wear something so figurative? But clearly. That is sick. I love the teddy bear. My dad got this for me. That's a good look. Yeah, I know.

That's a great look. Now, when did this dressing stupid start, would you say? It all started when I was a kid.

Always. Always, yeah. It's like, I remember in middle school, like, I would go through the, I would, like, not get parts in the plays or whatever. So I would be at play rehearsal. Yeah, yeah. But, like, with nothing to do. Damn. So the, like, old weird lady who did the costumes for all the plays would let me go through the costume closet. Oh, wow. So I'd be, like, rolling through middle school wearing, like, a hoop skirt from, like, you know, a Shakespeare play.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fun. Oh, wow, interesting. So it's like, it's a, because you weren't a good child actor, you developed a distinct sense of style. I want, we did a musical. If you're the lead in Oklahoma in seventh grade. You have time. Yeah, you're fucking in jeans right now. Yeah, dude. I would have been choogy. Yeah.

Yeah, you're watching The Office. You're having fucking pumpkin spice lattes right now. And look at me now. Still drinking pumpkin spice lattes. But... But dressing like a schizophrenic homeless person.

I was trying to like, actually, maybe you can help me with this. I did a show last night and I was trying to do, not to brag, did a show last night. Nice. And I was trying to do a joke cause I just turned 30 and I was like, happy birthday. Thank you so much. And I was trying to do a joke. Like I was dressed like a, you know, like crayon or something. Sure. Sure. And I like on the, on the bus ride to the show bus ride. Cause even though I'm on TV, I still like, I'm just like you people. Yeah.

SNL don't pay that good, folks. That's true. That's the dirty little secret. And you guys are paying me like $8,000 a year, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're matching your rate. Yeah, perfect. We're matching your rate. Oh, my God. Well, I was trying to think. I'm like, I'm 30, so I can't like, I know that I can't really like dress like this for much longer. And I was like trying to think of a joke. But you're on TV, so that kind of. That.

Yeah, you get to be people people give you credit when you're famous even when you don't deserve it like they're like Oh, that's how they behave but you don't obviously you know that you don't have to and you shouldn't but you get you get a You know like when I sit on the train looking like this I know that I am perceived as like a crazy person on the train Well, I don't know you have like, you know the mullet the mullet

Jewish features. Jewish features. They're like, it's a bitch from Brooklyn. That's what they're thinking. Yeah, that's right. That's true. That you own like a little fucking, like a little shop, like an ethical coffee shop. And by the way, I just want to remember, I have had this haircut for 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I do want everybody to know.

They're stealing your shit. No, I'm just saying I don't want anyone to think that I moved to Brooklyn. I do live in Brooklyn. You live in Brooklyn. I don't want people to think that I moved there and had this haircut. I've made this bad mistake. You know, it's interesting. You are really like your they-them core. It's like you're she-her as far as I know. I'm she-her. Loud and proud she. Loud and proud sis. Yeah, it's about time. You might be the weirdest sis-rights.

person the most the most the most colorful you know what I mean I have been like I've been trying this joke on stage where I go straight power and I hold my fist up and the way and I'm like well I look like this so I can like the joke is that like whatever I look you know whatever it's a really good joke but I'm not gonna tell you if you couldn't pay money to sing and like the chill that runs over the audience but I was like I don't know

I thought I could kind of like get away with it. Well, in a weird way, when you're doing it, it's almost like you're doing they them face by doing straight power. Well, there was, I don't have to. But you're grandfathered in as far as I'm concerned. As far as I'm concerned. You kind of are as well a little bit.

bit you know you're just like you behave strangely you you comport yourself in a bizarre way so in that way you are like slightly infringing on uh they them territory oh you think so i think i do a very i look i'm not gonna sit here and say i don't look stupid absolutely i've looked stupid i can't believe you got a tooth yeah sorry why did you get it just because at some point you got to get a tooth which one was it this one that looks normal i know

There's enough of me that doesn't look normal. Totally. You know what I mean? Totally. But there was something about it. I know. The no-tooth was awesome. Don't get me wrong. And I wanted a gold one, but it was too fucked up. Like the implant had to be a special shape because my mouth got all fucked up. From losing the tooth? Yeah, you're not supposed... It turns out you're not supposed to have no-tooth for two years. Sure, because then everything kind of like shifts around. It shifts, exactly. I have a latent paranoia or I don't...

I am constantly feeling like the teeth are moving around inside my head. They are a little bit. They are a little bit. But a little bit until you couldn't tell. I feel like I can feel it happening. You can. I feel like I'm so tense all the time that I'm constantly like clenching my teeth. That's possible. You seem like a pretty like high strung person. I'm chill. I'm chill. I'm Sarah Wee.

Do you smoke weed? Do you guys smoke weed? Sir, can you lower the mic just a little bit? Oh, is it too far? I don't want anyone to hear what I'm saying. They can't see your face. Yeah, yeah, just cover it. Come on, bro. You're fucking... Oh, I wouldn't cover my gorgeous face. You show business, Sarah. I know. And we gotta tell you where to put the mic? I know. And do you see my posture and my hat? Yeah, yeah. I think I'm feeling shy today. That's so funny. I told you turning 30 like sent me into a crazy tailspin. Why do you think that is? I don't know.

No. It's just like the crawl towards death is kind of, I'm experiencing that in an interesting way. And as you know, my birthday party that you actually did not come to, you actually texted me. I'm never, I would never come to that. I told you I hurt my neck folks. You know, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to get strong and I hurt my neck lifting weights. I was trying to get too swole and I had a fucked up nerve in my neck. I went to the doctor. You didn't say nerve before. It's a trap issue and it fucks up like a nerve in your neck.

I'm going to physical therapy tomorrow, in fact. So it's not bullshit. I'll show you my doctor's note. And you have to go like, you know, like do stretches like that. I do. I have to do like this. I have to go like this for like 15 seconds. I'm going like this. The physical therapy stretches are always funny. They like give you a rubber band and then you have to like kind of like move a little bit and you're like, this can't be anything, right? This isn't doing anything. And then you do one thing and it feels like you're about to cum. It feels so good. You're like,

Oh fuck my neck Like you do nothing And then you get like Kinda hard And it's like a Literally the last I fucked my shoulder up The last time I went to do PT And I was just getting like An awesome massage From like an old Slovakian man And that's covered By health insurance? Yeah I only I had like four I had Medicaid at the time When I was

when I was broke or Medicare, whichever. And look at him now, folks. He's got his own Greek restaurant. They covered four sessions. Not enough to heal you, but just enough to kind of make you know what it would have felt like if you could have gotten fully healed. Like a little taste of... But...

this guy was just giving me such an awesome massage that I wasn't hard but I was like in the place where I was like pre-hard like I was relaxed I would have been ready to like if he left and a hot girl came in would have been awesome it sounds like you're gonna be in physical therapy for the next like two years yeah

Not to brag, when I was in Vancouver recently, I know, I know, I was in Vancouver. I know you're like touring stuff. I can be international as well. Vancouver's gorgeous. It's really cute. It's a great place. A lot of fucking, a lot of nature, great Chinese food. Really?

They just got Uber. You didn't have any Chinese? No, but I did wake up. Listen to this. Woke up 8 a.m., walked to the water and saw a seaplane. Wow. Can you believe that? It's the little things in life. That's cute. Like a seaplane. Yeah, yeah. But I did the thing where my flight was at midnight.

but they wouldn't let me check out of the hotel. I, I, I tried to get like extended whatever at the hotel, but they were like, no, you got to leave at noon. So I had to walk around Vancouver with a bag like all day. Like until my hotel, I just didn't want to be a bother. Um,

I didn't want to deal with it. And so I was walking around all day, like went to like two movies, didn't know what to do. And then I was like, oh, I guess I can like go to get a massage or something. And in Canada, when you get a massage, they have to jack you off. Well, because they go, sorry. And by the way, every sorry joke in Canada doesn't do well. No, of course. They don't like that.

I thought my big opener was going to be like, I look like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys and everyone's just kind of like, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought that was going to like slay the house down boots. Yeah, that's just like an obscure sitcom from there. Like, it'd be like you talking about wings or something here. You know what I mean? It'd be like you talking about. I,

I thought talking about Trailer Park Boys in Canada would be like making the office joke or something. No, no, no. That's definitely, that's like a, that's like mullet haircut. Sure. That's in the community of people that look stupid. Trailer Park Boys is like friends. Totally. But most normal people do not watch Trailer Park Boys. But don't you think in Canada it's like the thing? I don't think so. I guess not. Look up most, look up most, um, um,

Popular thing in Canada. Popular sitcoms in Canada. It's probably some bullshit we've never even heard of. Oh, you can look at it on the TV. Wow. Yeah. But I went and I got a massage in Canada and they, you can, they're covered by health insurance in Canada. Whoa.

Like a fancy massage is like considered. And then it's. Like with a diffuser, like essential oils and shit in the background. Yeah, it was a whole thing. It's a spa set up. It was a whole. And then you check off a thing on your like form, like, oh, like whatever. And I was like. So what did you have to pay? Stop gave me diet root beer. And.

And it's giving me crazy burps today. It's good as fuck. We're still trying to get sponsored by A&W. Do you have to ask? You would think that they would... I mean, isn't this the most popular podcast in the world? Yeah, we're getting there. Not how popular is Trailer Park Boys in Canada, motherfucker. What's the most popular sitcom in Canada? Well, then you get like a...

objective answer. Letter Kenny, Kim's convenience, working moms. I know, but these are like listicles probably written by Americans. That's true. It's hard to really gauge. Okay, okay. Whatever. Who gives a fuck? The point is Sarah bombed in Vancouver. It doesn't matter. When I was in Vancouver, I... Well...

The green room to my show was like a curtain in a corner. You know what I'm saying? Just in the room when the show was happening. If I had to use the toilet, I would have to be with the common people. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that sucks. Roughing it up with the rough, you know? Your fucking clown shoes are tripping over all the chairs and everything. And you know it's me and this dog is my little clown pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They just see gold sequin overalls on the floor. They're like, oh, Sarah's shitting in here before the show. Literally, 100%. And then some girl actually tweeted at me after one of the shows. I was like, I think I was shitting next to you. And I was behind a napkin on a string way after the show. And I could hear people outside the curtain being like, Sarah, Sarah, come out.

That's horrible. And I was like, I was kind of like huddled up in a corner, like kind of like waiting for everybody to leave. And like, uh, that's atrocious. They will find you. There's gotta be another room that you can go to. The venue fucked up. Well, drag them. I'm not that, I'm not that.

Like, I can't do a Stavs sell out big Caesar's Palace. Yeah, we're coming to Caesar's Palace real soon. Me and Eldis are going to be doing magic. Me and Eldis are going to be doing fucking Siegfried and Roy shit. I've been begging Stav to do an Atlantic City show for years. I really have. This man loves Atlantic City. I'm dying to go there for a comedy show. Him and his boys used to take like... Because, you know...

he's got like a B group of friends. Sure. You know in Seinfeld where there's that Bizarro episode? Uh-huh. He's got like that kind of... Because we grew up... We have like a group of best friends. It's probably like... We call it the four skins. Oh, that's awesome. Because we're all uncircumcised. Uh-huh. And at any point we can...

That's right. And at any point, we can get four of us. My brothers can come in. We have my old college roommate. We have our best friend from growing up. His code name for the podcast is Big P. Sure. We don't want to give out his real name. Okay. But anyway. And so you guys haven't had your Saturn return where you had to reparent yourself and kind of like grow up. No.

I think this is it, actually, our Saturn return. But he's got a group of circumcised friends that he also hangs out with. One of them actually is uncircumcised. Is it a bunch of Jews?

No, come on. Disgusting. No, it's the opposite. It's like central Pennsylvania. Yeah, yeah. Even whiter than, he used to go even more Gentile than Europeans. But anyway, Eldest has his bizarro friend group and they would take like Atlantic City trips. Sure. And it's like four guys in a room, two queen beds. Oh, yeah. Dirty carpet. Might bring it back this summer. I couldn't go last year, but I'm itching to go back. I'm feeling lucky. Yeah.

Where would you do a show in Atlantic City? It would be a casino, right? Probably. Oh, come on. I'll open. Yeah, that would be fun. I want to do Atlantic City so badly. All right, we'll look into it. We'll look into it. We do have to go to Atlantic. It's also close, and it would be a funny weekend. Good content, baby. We could drive. We could gamble. Although, they don't let you film in casinos.

Because it's too depressing. They're like, we know that it's too dark in here. We know it's too depressing. They don't give a fuck about that. No, they like that. They love it. The darker, the better. The more money's going in. They just don't want you to cheat. If you film it, you can watch the deal or pick up on their deal. I had never been to Vegas until recently. I did a show in Vegas. Hell yeah. I think it was the best weekend of my life.

It was awesome. You know what that is? You have a very, you would definitely fit in Vegas. Well, everybody's like, it's nasty. It's gross. I'm like, what are you talking about? They've got Paris inside. Yeah. I also love the fucked up, the shitty part of Vegas, the like Fremont Street, I guess, the downtown Vegas. Oh, it's like Circus Circus. Love that. Yes, exactly. I got my key chains. I got a little fake license plate this big that says Vegas All Shiny. There's a clown one. There's a clown one. Isn't that Circus Circus? Maybe it is Circus Circus. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wait.

The one with the giant clown. Yes, that's Circus Circus. Apparently there's a great steakhouse there. Somebody told me Circus Circus has a great steakhouse. You know, I've never been to a restaurant and been like, I'll have a steak. Wow. You don't seem like a big red meat eater. Actually, I'm very low in, what is it? Iron? Iron.

B12? No. Is that what you get from red meat? Yeah, iron. Very low in it. I'm not vegetarian, even though I have a mullet. I'm not a vegetarian. Everything about you is non-binary, vegetarian, lesbian, and you're none of those things. I'm actually none of those things. Yeah. I think it's, like, important to have straight representation. Yeah. In the fucking, just people that look stupid as shit. Yeah, but they're, like, so normal. Yeah. You grew up on Long Island, is that correct? I grew up on Long Island. Oh, yeah.

And now I moved back here like a year and a half ago, which is why, like I was telling you, like why my parents were at my birthday party. Because it's like Sarah lives here now. We got to, you know. Which sounds like it was a huge flop. It was a flop. It was just like...

It was like so... No Jost, no Che. No Jost, no Che. It was 8 p.m. My mom goes... I wrote on the flyer 8 p.m. Yeah. And then my mom goes, where is everybody? And I just immediately, my body downloaded the information and said, you will have a panic attack now. And it was just like literally off to the races. Like I was on Mars for the whole rest of the... For five hours. Was not... The body was not... Like the plane was on the tarmac, but the pilot was...

Yeah Was in Atlantic City Yeah yeah yeah I was just not Denzel and The pilot's Denzel in flight Yeah He's just getting fucked up Getting some pussy In this hotel room Yeah that was me I was getting mad pussy And I'm like And then my mom The next day goes So Did any celebrities show up And I was like No Stav said he broke his neck And I was like

Yeah, your parents are big stave heads. Honestly, they would. I think that my parents would really like it. They should go to, like, you got to do a show at Governor's in Long Island. I'm doing a show at the Paramount in Long Island. Oh. I'll give your parents tickets. Damn, dude, you do like crazy rooms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Things are going good. Things are going good.

Hey, listen. Tell the Shermans. They got tickets if they want them. I'm like, it's from this root beer. Do you want to do the show, actually? You're probably working. When? I don't know. We'll look it up later. I would love to. Yeah. And I would bring out a squad. Yeah, yeah. It's like April 22nd, I think. Sold out, dude. And that's like a 1,500 person room. You're just getting 1,500 people from one room? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of your fucking Hebrew school classmates are going to be there. They're big schools.

I wonder like how many people from my past are going to come crawling out of the woodwork being like, who've never said anything to me in 10 years. No, like loved you on SNL. Who are going to be like, yo, you're on Stubbs YouTube show. Is this a podcast or is it just a YouTube video? We do it both. We released a podcast. Yeah. Wow.

You're like a mogul. Fucking dude. Podcast, videos, clips. I'm trying to be like P. Diddy, dude. He's got mouths to feed. I know. I got an Albanian on my fucking payroll. This man knew nothing before me. What would you say your job is? Like an official title. I don't know. I guess podcast producer is just the easiest to say and understand. Producer and live events coordinator. I've seen you.

record things at a show yeah he works i still i still do that at like on the road and stuff but yeah honestly it's just like i would kill myself if i was completely alone on the road no problem and so i got my boy i just got my boy out he was working some horrible media job yeah where he was he was doing like he was doing like um galleries of like the cmt awards like this kind of this kind of list you would never believe what kenny chesney wore yeah like you were never things you could never believe ken

to each other. Yeah, literally. Because we were roommates here and whenever there was some stupid award show, Elders would be like, hey, I need the TV. I need to watch the VMAs and do a listicle about it. The Oscars just happened. I was getting chills just thinking about my past. This past weekend, I was like, I would do red carpet bullshit just copy pasting shit from Getty and doing those dumb galleries. The worst part

about living in New York was when I invite everybody to my birthday party and literally half of my New York friends going, I can't go to your birthday because it's on the Oscars night and I need to do fucking whatever website article. I need to blog about it. Wow. Oh, so that's like a New York thing. You were going head to head with the Oscars. Come on.

No, of course. You're absolutely correct. First of all, like I knew when that was. I know. It's so funny to give a fuck about the Oscars. Like, who cares? Well, excuse me. He was nominated. Eldest? At that job, I realized like, whoa, this is literally just for fucking annoying ass media nerd like people. Of course. Because no one gives a fuck about the Oscars. Nobody gives a fuck. No one watches. It's like you're writing these articles like,

Everyone's so excited about this huge night in entertainment. No, it's like you're just copy-pasting shit from People magazine. Of course. Everyone wants to cover them. It's all a bunch of fucking nerds that want to cover the Oscars so they can be friends with celebrities. Oh, no.

That's interesting. And every, I mean, you know how it is. Comedy journalism, it's like half the people that do that shit are failed comedians. Well, how come they're not writing nice things about me if they want to be my friend so bad? You haven't reached out to them. You got to fucking... Hey, man. Literally, people that get good write-ups are like friends with like the vulture people or whatever the fuck. That's part of it. That's part of it, you know? Well, if anyone wants to write like an awesome article about me, like you can. Yeah.

I don't care about the Oscars, but for some reason I was like devastated that Austin Butler didn't win for doing Elvis. Yeah, it was awesome. He was awesome in Elvis. He was awesome! He was awesome. I remember like, I thought that movie was going to be fucking horrible. It was literally the best movie I've ever seen. It was so good. It was so fucking good. It was like, it was like a movie for people with no attention span. Because it was like every 40 seconds, it's like, wait, it's five years later? Yeah.

And you just breeze past like Elvis's mom dying. No important emotional stuff happened. But they spent like a full 10 minutes on how Elvis saved the civil rights movement. Elvis goes and sings with black people and B.B. King's like, wow, you're almost fucking better than Martin Luther King Jr. It's like, it's awesome. It was like Baz being like, let's get ahead of this problem.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We know that people are, like, going to be upset about all this, but let's just get ahead of it by having this awesome scene in a window. Yeah, the window was sick. And then him falling in love with his wife, who was, I believe, 13 when they met in real life. And they just kind of breeze on by that one. He's in the army and he fucks, like, literally like a general's child. Yeah.

Yeah, he's good to be doing that. But hey, he made an honest woman out of her. And he had an awesome little outfit, so you're just kind of distracted at the time. Yeah, he looks so cute in his little outfit. It was such an awesome movie. That's the thing about the Oscars. It's like, you didn't give Elvis a single shred of an Oscar, then you're wrong. You're wrong for that. Yeah, Tom Hanks is in a fat suit for some reason. Why did everybody hate that? He had the good fat performance. It wasn't Brendan Fraser. Brendan Fraser didn't even do a weird accent for no reason. I want to watch The Whale, though, because I know it sucks. I know.

You would have to pay me $455 to watch it. It's too brutal. You can't ask me to watch something that brutal. Yeah, I can't wait to see it. You know what? We should watch it just for the fans. Do like a live Beavis and Butthead viewing event. We should do it. I'm dying to watch it. I was like so excited when I saw the screenshots from it. But I wasn't like disappointed. I thought he like actually got that fat or something. Yeah, he got apparently pretty fat. Oh, really? Underneath? Underneath. But like...

You can't tell. You see red carpet shit of him and he's like, you know, he's like a 40 something guy kind of thing. He was a true piece of ass. I was like, damn, he got that fat. That's fucking awesome. Yeah. He was a fucking, I was watching the mummy when I was in Austin. Oh my God. Oh my God. That boy, that boy was sexy.

George of the Jungle? George of the Jungle, come on. Come on. I have a very distinct memory in my head of watching that as a child and seeing that his pectorals were perfectly square and being like, I didn't even know it could be like that in real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone, every man, every strong male figure in your life was probably like a Jewish man with scoliosis. Literally, I didn't know that boys could be tall. Yeah.

I didn't know that like this is a thing

Now that like I wonder now is happening on Long Island like the leg lengthening surgery. I do wonder if little Jewish boys on Long Island are now doing that. Sure. Well, I had there was a little Jewish kid in my middle school who was taking HGH. Oh, yes. We had that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We had that. Yes. And he didn't get taller. Like he got like a little taller, I guess. But he was like he was literally like for like 11 years.

But I think that they do get taller. Yeah, probably. And then it just means he was going to be really little. Yeah, he's going to be a real little guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we get Ben on Zoom right now? No, sorry. Benny Buttcheeks, we can't get him in the mix. Next time.

Oh my God. The way you guys broke that to me, it was like devastating. Like you looked me dead in my eyes and were like, and you said something like really earnest kind of. Can't happen. Sorry. Sorry. You're just going to have to keep talking to me for another God knows how long. We could try. No, no, no. You'll fuck it up so bad. You'll like lose the recording. I'm doing, I'm doing some math. Don't do the math. It's something based on this, I think. I'm making you

just trying to get ahead of like this. I'm making an executive decision here as the senior president of Stompy Baby Enterprises and I'm telling you to stand down on hitting Zoom right now because something will fuck up. He wants to do it so badly. Like I saw this like smile spread across his face. He has pride and he believes in himself but the problem is he's wrong and I have to be here to remind him to take him down a couple of notches. I think it wouldn't take much but I don't give a fuck that much.

Look, air your own shit out with Ben on your own time. I want to get Benny Buck cheeks on and I want to say, look, I'm on the podcast. I did a good job. Okay, just for the listeners at home, I'm bad at scheduling. Sarah was ducking us. She was scared. She was like, I'm going to get canceled. Lauren's going to fire me. I'm going to say the R word. I'm going to bring up Palestine. I'm going to

And she was ducking us for a while. But she's here now, folks. We're talking about little Jews. We're talking about little Jews. It's just that if somebody asks me to do something on a text, it's like sometimes it just is not going to happen. Yeah.

It's like, it's something about like, I have to have three different people telling me to go somewhere and be like, Oh yeah. And what do you think that, what do you think that is? I don't know. I have an avoidant personality disorder and, um, it's actually coming now that I'm 30 again, I need to bring this up again. It's like stuff like taxes. It's not going to really happen unless there's a gun to my head.

It's getting like, that's the problem with being 30 is like all of my little personality quirks aren't cute anymore. No, not at all. It sucks. But, and I look at like, it gave me kind of panic when I came in here. Cause I was like, I said to you, I was like, wait, are you good with money? Like I'm looking around, you have like kind of an official setup. You have employees. I'm like, stop. Halkius is better at money than me. It sucks. That does suck. That does suck. Like, fuck you, dude. I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry.

even like incorporated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like actually feeling like, you know, okay. That's what happens because you rejected traditional Judaism. That is what happened. So early that if you had stuck around a little longer, you know, you had a regular hair just a couple years longer, you'd know about taxes right now. God, I just, I like rejected something. I'm like, I'm never going to grow up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now I'm like, fuck it. Like, okay, hear me out. Yes, I'm listening. Let's, okay, what's today's

Today is a Thursday. It's a Thursday. Let's say, let's say you have a show in new Orleans next Thursday. Would you at this point have already booked your flights and hotels? Yes, for sure. Without question. In fact, I have to book after this, what we're doing, the thing we have to do is figure out our Chicago. I already have the Chicago Airbnb and the flight and I need a hotel cause I'm going in one day earlier. Wait, but when is that?

That's probably in what? Two weeks? Three weeks? But you're just like on top of your crap by yourself. Yeah. I mean, I've been fucking on the road so long that it's just like... Me too. I just can't. I have made too many mistakes too often. Like I've felt this thing of not booking or like you're like...

you wait to the last minute and there's like the rodeo is in town and you're like a holiday inn is $500. Like that shit has happened to me or LA. Like there was one time I was in LA and I was, uh, I, there was like,

It was like Comic Con or something. Sure. And I had to just sleep. Which, why would you know? I wouldn't know that. And I had to sleep in a kind of friend's basement. Like, it wasn't even like... I don't think Ben wasn't there or something. It was just some weird situation where I was just crashing with some guy I sort of knew. And I was dating someone at the time. And we had a hotel until...

Comic Con. We had one day where we had to like where we needed it. And I was like with my girlfriend in a guy's basement because it was either that or like the only hotel available was like some sketchy Chinatown. Like clearly people are getting sucked off by the hour there.

And it's like, I'm not sleeping there. Which is not that there's anything wrong with that. No, no, no. No, of course not. I'm a big... We're pros sex worker on this podcast without question. Absolutely. In many ways, I am a sex worker. I just have fucked up sex and tell stories about it. Like, so much of my best jokes are the most fucked up sexual encounters I've had. And your calendar is...

It is pretty much, yeah, it's soft core pornography. You're selling sex. I am. Certainly. I had a show in Kansas City a couple weeks ago during, again, why would I know when the Super Bowl is? Sorry. Oh my God, Kansas City was playing in the Super Bowl. But the Super Bowl wasn't in

In Kansas City. No, but still, no one gave a fuck about your show. Well, but then... But also, I guess all the gay nerds are coming to your show. No, it was like all the hotels were expensive because everybody was going to Kansas City to watch the Super Bowl on the TV. Yeah, yeah. But it's like shit like that where I'm like, if I just had thought a little bit in advance. How was the show? Well, actually, it was opening for Adam Sandler. That's sick. And I... It is...

That's fucking awesome. It's awesome. But like, so it was like the night before the Super Bowl in Kansas City. And can you tell him I said hello, by the way? I'll tell him. Yeah. He's my favorite. Truly my bet. Like, I love Adam. He would love you. Yeah. Tell him I said what's up. Look, it's all right. I'll send him. I'll send him the link to this. So just don't say anything bad about us about little Jewish boys. I'm a big fan. Pro little Jewish guys. He like. So I've been a couple bar mitzvahs. Come on. I get it.

I know you could chop it up at a barbershop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shit, I'd go to one right now if anyone wants to like call in or whatever on your call-in show. Soon, the call-ins are coming. I'm just going to make you talk about yourself a little more because it's making you so uncomfortable. Well, no, I was going to say. I'm relishing this. Well, the, the, the, can you tell that, I don't know why I'm having like such an identity crisis. It's interesting. I'm just like,

It's just for the past week, I'm just like... Turning 30 is a big one, though. I get that. And I feel like totally crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the show was in Kansas City the night before the Super Bowl. And it's like, you know, it's Sandler, so it's like a 15,000-person stadium. And fucking I didn't know... I don't know anything of the Super Bowl with my little haircut or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was the first comic to go up, and it's like... Oh, you're going up cold? Yeah.

Actually there was No I was the second Okay But Rob Schneider Who was before you Actually Schneider wasn't there But Speaking of Elvis You know who does the best Elvis Mr. Rob Schneider Really Yes It's the most moving Elvis impersonation ever I was doing

You literally brought to tears. I did a sandwich show that was me, David Spade, Rob Schneider, and he did an Elvis song to close the show, and I was open mouth sobbing. It was the most moving performance I've ever seen. That's so fucking awesome. It was sick. But like, have you done a stadium? No, I'm excited. I'm doing the fully loaded tour. We're playing...

What is that? Burt Kreischer gets a bunch of the best comics. It's me. It's literally me. Best comics? I'm not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, only like Tiffany Haddish. Oh, wow. She took your spot. You guys do a lot of overlap there. She's always like, I'm Jewish. Yeah, I'm Jewish. I'm a clown. I'm a lesbian clown, but I'm straight for some reason. And it's like literally in Vegas, it's me.

Me, Bert, Louis Black. Oh. It's fucking awesome. Oh. Andrew Santino, Big Jay. It's going to be fun. But we're playing Vegas. We're playing where the Utah Jazz play. We're playing like where the Thunder play. Oh, you're doing like 15,000 persons. Oh, wow. It's my first time. I've never... The biggest show I've done is probably, I don't know, 1,500 seats. Nothing crazy. Sure. It's... I've done like...

three or four shows with Sandler and it's legitimately crazy because well you can't see anything you can't hear anything and all my jokes I'm just like talking like manically really fast and like rhythmically kind of but it's

you like hear yourself echoed back in a giant like football stadium. And so I get like so disoriented. I like distract because then I hear the sound of my own voice and I'm like, oh, that's awful. And then there's like a giant jumbotron behind me of me. And like everyone there is like, I mean, it'll be different for you guys because it's like everyone is there to see you. No,

one person in Kansas City. Who the fuck is this? Sandman! Bring on the Sandman! Everyone's dressed up as Sloppy Joe or whatever. And then I get so... I wish I was better at it. Because I want to keep doing those shows, but I am legitimately bad at being up there.

Like the night before the Super Bowl, I was like, I tried desperately hard to do a Super Bowl joke where I said something like,

I got on stage and then I said like, go Chiefs or something. Yeah. And then 15,000 people, I just heard like, like, ooh, like, no, it's, it sounded like boo. Did you say go Chiefs or go Eagles? No, I said go Chiefs. Okay. Okay. I know. I know. I know. I said go Chiefs. And then I heard boo. And so I just, again, my, I was all, because they go like, chiefs.

That's their like chant or something Oh I see I see But it sounds like boo But do you know what I'm talking about This like Chiefs thing I don't But I you know It was like I believe you They have a chant that sounds like boo So I had to do 10 minutes Just with my head like completely dislocated Like from immediately As soon as I get on stage Go Chiefs boo Oh

Okay, well. What did you follow? What kind of jokes you follow that up with? Well, then I had like Super Bowl. Well, this was really hung my hat. Let's hear it. Super Bowl, the only Super Bowl I care about is the toilet bowl big enough to accommodate the liquid shit I'm going to have after all this.

Kansas City Barbecue. How do you do a frat snap? This thing? Yeah. Fuck yeah. This is something about like spring diarrhea out of my little Jewish asshole. And everyone's just kind of sitting there like,

And you can't like see a smile in a 15,000 person's face. Of course, of course. No, that does seem nerve wracking because you can't kind of feel the crowd out. It has to be like so clear where they're supposed to laugh. Yes. You have to be set up punch. Yes. There can't be any ambiguity. And I'm not a set up punchline comedian. So... Some might say you're an...

No punchline comedian. Somebody say I'm not a comedian at all. No, no, you're funny. It was too easy. I would basically say I have no jokes. You're here for a reason, but it was easy to say that. It was a nice setup. It was a nice setup. What can I say? By the way, I prepared you by saying not a joke. Yeah, yeah.

Again, Super Bowl. I love Super Bowl. I actually think that's... I would have been... You would have heard one guy being like... Woo! Yo, girl! But his... To his credit, like his...

His stand-up is so bizarre and, like, absurd. Have you seen his hour? I loved the first one, yeah. It's incredible. The Netflix special is so good in a way that, like, all these guys have been coming... Like, there's been a lot of nostalgia. Sure, sure. Or old guys who don't have their fastball anymore coming back. Sure. And it's, like, so clear that they haven't...

Thought about this haven't thought about being relevant and Sam and I was so nervous cuz I love Sandler so he was my guy he's your guy and That special came out and I was like, holy fuck. It's better than I thought it was. Yes, cuz he knew he was doing it was legitimately funny it was legitimately like like thinking about people now and Just sentimental enough where he wasn't he wasn't it wasn't a crutch like some people use as a crutch, but you know

How could you not? Because he does mean so much to everyone watching. So that first special, I was like, oh my God, this is like, because a lot of our comedy heroes are breaking our hearts these days. They really are. The people we grew up with don't know how to stay relevant in a certain way and don't know how to have like a...

The thing about Santa that I love so much is like how fun it always was. Yes. Like I hate... I'm on the record as I'm anti-making points as a comedian. 100%. This is not debate club. I'm trying to have a good time. You're not running for Senate? No. Nobody's running for Senate? And I like literally his... His like albums, they're like...

You know, they're all going to laugh at you. All the like comedy song ones where they're just like so vulgar, so medium pace. Take a shampoo bottle and put it in my ass. Like shit like that. Yes. Like so absurd. So fucking it was just funny and dumb and a good time. And that captured that. And it was like new material and it was sentimental. It was fucking awesome.

So good. And I guess I just didn't, I mean, cause I've listened to all the old stuff. I'm obviously like, you know, I'm a little Jewish girl from Long Island. Like I grew up on that. That's your guy. That's Jordan. Long Island Jews. Yeah. Period. And like me for a second meeting, like Jordan. Okay. Come on. You live in Chicago. That one was easy.

Go Chiefs. And like he is our now that he's doing, by the way, it's two hours. He will do two hours. It's like I forgot like he is so weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so like his crowds end up do kind of liking me because they're down with weird. But it's like it's like he'll do like absurdist surrealist like storytelling of like made up stories that make like follow like a bizarre sense of logic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

they aren't like I mean it isn't like set up punchline stuff which in a lot of ways then it's like even though you feel like you're not doing well it's like

You probably are, but also... Well... But also, also, as... Like, that's kind of your job is to kind of prime them for, like... It's not set-up punch. Sure. Like, you are weird. Like, that is... There's something useful for that, for opening a show that way. I went on... I opened for Eric Andre on his tour before he recorded his Netflix special. And, like, that was, like... Oh, yeah. I will never... I mean, that's perfect. ...have a playlist, like... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I get up there

Show a couple of videos with like Hamburger Helper Me coming out of a paper mache butthole and they are ready to go. They are so ready to go. And that was like the most perfect opening job I will ever have. It was crazy. It's never going to get better. You peaked fully. And I know that.

know that you know what I mean like I can look back on my deathbed and be like that was fun that was sick we had a good time now what's the now we're thanks for bringing up the hamburger helper diary and your whole oeuvre is uh is uh you know shit coming out of pussies yeah you know uh

Balls that are infected with puffs and boils and that kind of thing. You know, just that kind of general thing. Kind of a classic. Kind of a classic thing. Intestines, you know what I mean? Like, oh, coming out of some guy's mouth. Yeah, perfect. So what was the first... What's the gross shit? Like, I have my own hypotheses here. Sure. About, like, where that's all coming from. Yeah. What do you think? How did that start? Well, all of the, like...

Is this still you getting rejected from theater club or whatever? Well, all little kids like gross crap. True. Like it's like we all did like this at a certain point. Right, right. And I like basically 1 million percent of my entire life. That's why 30 has been such a like devastating blow to me. Right, right, right. Because like I've just tried desperately not to grow out my entire life a little bit in a way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so like. I mean, who are you talking to?

Yeah, 100%. Nice shorts. I'm on my Peter Pan shit myself, of course. But that's like, it's like I'm retaining like the things that are like, and especially with comedy, gross, sorry, for lack of a better term, gross out comedy is so fun because you get to play with the like making people laugh after they've been screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. So it's like, it's just a fun life. And a groan is fun. Like getting a whole crowd to groan is awesome. It's awesome.

As rewarding as laughter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so it's just like screaming. Yeah. Oh, what the fuck? Yeah. It's just awesome. And I think a lot of like...

You know, people think that I am Sarah Scorm because those things do make me squeamish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even you. You're not like the queen of it. You're like, yes. Yeah, no, it's like. Diarrhea. I love when I have diarrhea. One diarrhea, please, for me. Yeah.

It's just fun. It's like, you know, there's like a whole range of... It's just fun to play with it. Yeah, I get it. It's fun to play with doo-doo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's why it was interesting for me to hear you talk about almost wanting to fuck Brendan Fraser in George of the Jungle. Because like...

People might look at that as a horny way to do comedy, but to me that's like anti-horny. You know what I mean? Like the gross out stuff, like the body stuff. To me that's like bodies and butts and dicks and pussies are so gross. I'm scared of them. I am a prude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like I was a little Jewish girl who grew up on Long Island feeling disgusting and all. It's like I'm very transparent as clear as day. It's like I was an ugly little Jewish girl with too many pubes sweating too much in class. Yeah.

Too many pubes. As a child. A heavily pubed child. Full bush at age, like God knows. It's just like clear as day. There's no... Because the other thing that Jews don't get credit for actually is setting their children up

For success sexually With camp 100% With birthright All this kind of stuff Like And I think that was It was very It was like sexually Traumatizing Growing up in a Yes And like I went to A high school Where you know Like

Girls would get Like no You know God bless Go with God Do whatever you want But like They were getting nose jobs When they were 13 And so it's like The medical trauma Of like kind of growing up Holy shit So it's like people being like Oh where does this Body horror stuff come from It's like Yeah Like I literally was just like Conscious at a young age Of like someone like Medically getting like Of surgery Yeah Of surgery and like

And like, if you're worried about your body, it's like, well, you go into camp and everyone's jacking people off in here. You're going to get finger, you're going to get your clit jackhammered at age 12. And yeah, that isn't like birthright. It's sexual coupling to like further a religious identity or something like that. It's a smart thing to be like, hey, we're going to get them all when they're horny as hell, free vacation, fuck each other. And then just like, join the army, by the way.

the way real quick just join the army and like bar mitzvahs kind of also have like a like you're like staying up late partying all night in like a sexy little slutty dress everyone's dressed cute yeah no that's very true they're smart about that so we're talking no no jacking people off in a camp no way I was like

The name Sarah Squirm comes from, like, my group of friends of mine in high school were, like, making fun of me for being, like, ugly and gross and bizarre, weird, and, like, would call me Squirm with German. These are friends. And these are friends. These are friends. And they, you know, and they do feel like they own my identity now that they came up with that nickname. Oh, interesting. But so it's like, you know, it's like kind of a, like, not like I reclaimed an idea, you know. Squirm is your N-word. Yeah.

You get to say it. It's mine now. You take the power back. Well, even though I'm not even squirming anymore. And you do say the N-word. Famously. Actually, it's kind of sad. Like, I'm not squirming anymore because, like,

like now from the on SNL I'm Sarah Sherman and so now I'm like Sarah Sherman on everything but Squirm is such an easy like trigger warning it's like you know what I mean if you buy tickets to a show that's like Sarah Squirm you're like you know what you're getting into as opposed to now it's like you know like Sarah Sherman is kind of a nice name just a regular bitch name I know well it's because Sherman it was Shmulevich at Ellis Island Shmulevich that's a sick name I know Shmulevich it could have

Sarah Smuley. You got to change it, bro. I know. Sarah Schmools. I know. The Ellis Island of it. Damn. I know. I know.

Wow. When did they, are we talking great-grand, how far back? Yes, a great-grandparent. My grandfather's father, yeah. Okay. He was like, we need to get a job or something like that. Yeah, yeah. Because Sherman does feel very like just regular. It's a Sherman's march to the sea. Yeah. Oh, true. Yeah. Shmoyevich. I know. I could kind of go back to that. Shmoyevich. There's two awesome, like there's three awesome sounds. It's so Jewish. Shmoya and vich. It's so Jewish.

so i know jewish it really is so i could have been so it's oh man that's so awesome that's so old school jewish that it's like that's those it's a name from countries that are so anti-semitic like to have the bitch in there still like that's like serbian like they those motherfuckers would like beat jews on sight you know what i mean i'm like it's

It's like Yiddish-y or something. Yeah, yeah. It's got Yiddish plus Eastern European. It's like a nice mix of throwback. You don't get a lot anymore. I'm like the kind of white person where it's like I never did the thing where I'm like, where's my family from? Yeah, yeah. Which I'm like, I regret now as someone who's 30. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, I guess I should know more about what's going on with that name. You know what I'm saying? You still got time. I guess. If they came through LSI, it's hard for me because I want to know more about my family. There's all this family lore where it's like,

My dad's side of the family, apparently my grandma, my paternal grandmother, her uncles came to America. He had two uncles that came to America. So this would have been like before World War I. We're talking like these are old. Like my grandma was born in probably the 30s. So her uncles were probably born like the fucking 1800s. And so they came to America. And the lore is that one of them.

was a fucking bounty hunter in America. And that the other one was like a hugely influential chiropractor. And that he's buried on Long Island, actually. This guy's something Lieris or some shit like that. So I would love to learn more about that. And like apparently when my...

got married, the American bounty hunter or gambler, some people say it's different, just fucking gave her a bunch of money. But it's like this weird thing where my dad hated that he came to America, but apparently it was in his blood. Are your parents from America? No, they were both born in Greece. They came here in 82. Oh, so then there was like a back and forth going on. There's a lot of back and forth. My parents, my mom's family came here in the 70s and she hated it and moved back.

and met my dad in Athens. And then they came, they were like, we're going to go to America for a couple years and make money. And then they couldn't have kids, so they stayed here to do like in vitro. And so the reason they stayed in America is like so that I could be born, basically. So I'm a little test tube guy. I'm a little IVF guy. You gotta tell. Yeah, because I'm so perfect. I was made in a lab. Each gene is specifically sequenced. I'm the ideal man. I'm the Uber man.

It's like I was born at a heartbeat. You can kind of tell. Oh, really? You know what I'm saying? Like I kind of had like a sickly kind of like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, uh-oh, what's going on? No, that's. We just had Chris DiStefano on and his daughter. He's got like this little like feisty. Like as a baby, like a one-year-old, she's telling people like, no. She's like yelling at them. And his daughter like survived multiple plan Bs. Like.

Like, as a fetus, she was like, fuck that. And then she comes out just feisty and she's telling her dad to, like, go fuck himself. And she's like, you're too fat. Like, she's a three-year-old that's like, stop eating desserts. You need to stay alive. People say, like, astrology isn't real, but, like, what is that? You know what I mean?

That's like the planets aligned. Like that, that is a cosmic like cord of energy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is like fighting off the plan B and like having his kid come out. Literally, his, the girl, his, his now, well, I guess they're not married because he's a piece of shit Italian, but his girl who he has two children with and a home with, but yeah, keep waiting on the marriage, Chris. Um,

She was on birth control and she took a plan B and this kid fucking survived. She

She's a fighter. Yeah. That's a fighter. She's awesome. But do you have any complications? You were born in a barn in Albania, so they don't keep records of that kind of shit. You were born next to a fucking mule, a baby. You and a baby mule split a crib together. I don't know if there's any complications. I know I was like a big baby. Yeah, you don't say.

I was like, I don't know. I was just heavy as fuck. I know my sister had the umbilical cord around her neck, so it was like a close call when she was coming out. You look kind of C-section. Are you C-section? Am I C-section? Nah, they didn't have that technology in Albania in the 80s. Oh, you know what? Maybe I am because I was too big or something. Yeah, they were like...

we can't wreck this woman's pussy like this. We should see one of his toes. That thing's almost the whole fucking size of a woman's pussy. You know what I do appreciate? Because I'm like, you know, everyone's like, you're Sarah Gross. Multiple people have shown me like videos and or photos of either them or their wives giving birth to their children. Because they're like, you would love this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

That sucks. I do. You do. I do. Because it's like, it is a privilege to be like, you are so, you are one of the craziest motherfuckers I know. And I'm going to show you one of the most crazy motherfucking images I can see. The most fucked up things of all time. Yeah. And it's like, you know. A baby's head coming out of my wife's pussy. I've fully seen it.

People I'm not that close with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like awesome. That's fucking wild, dude. Well, we're cruising here, but we got to take some questions. I would love to interrogate you further. But, you know, I think we've got a great... People get who you are, where you're coming from, the unique perspective you can bring to people's questions. Oh, please. Yeah, we don't have that many Jewish clowns here. Oh, I'm one of them.

There's millions of me crawling around the city. I don't know why this is, I don't know why this is, whatever. I've been having like, you know, I'm so Jewish and anxious. I've been having like stomach issues or whatever. So I recently had a, did you ever have to do a stool sample? Yes.

I did you ever have to sit with it on the train? No, no, I got to scoop it. They give you the little scoopers and they I just mailed it off. You mailed it. You mailed your own. I mailed my shit. But what? Because that's what everybody's been telling me about this mailing. But I had to sit with it on the train. No, that's wrong. But who's where you met like your doctor's here.

Yeah, the fucking lab. I remember that. Didn't you have to like shit on a plate or something? Yeah, you had to shit on the tray. Because you like fucked up the equipment. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to shit so bad. Like I was like, I mistimed it. And I think I couldn't find the medical tray. So I took out a fucking plate. And I just took a dinner plate. And I shit like truly, truly the biggest shit I've ever taken in my life. It like filled the plate. I had to do it like soft serve. I had to like, I had to.

I had to like fucking make sure it wouldn't fall off. Yeah, no. Yeah, I waited way too long and I had just a fucking wild one, bro. And I'm just sitting there like just with a plate of shit scooping it up. I think I just threw the plate away after that. I was like, I'm not. It may have been like some, you know, firm plastic party plates we had. Oh, true. If I remember correctly. That's right. It was fancy. We had a party. What was it? What party did we have? Was it New Year's? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know. But we had a party.

And yeah, we had like a little dinner party. So we got like the expensive like dinette set. It was the plastic white with the little design. Yeah, that has like a real feel to it. Integrity. Yeah, you could put it in the dishwasher if you're white trash. But we threw them out. But yes, that's right. That's right. It was one of those plates. But I straight up was like, oh, it's like.

Shitting on a fucking plate. It was fucking awesome. I think we don't realize how important the water is in the toilet bowl. Absolutely. That is what separates men from animals. Absolutely. Where it's like, you probably shit like that a lot, but you would never know because it's just so muffled. No, I know, but this, like even, like you know when you feel one and you're like, that was special. Yeah.

When it comes out. Like, it was... And I was also shitting, like, a long time. Like, it was like... We're going into, like, 15 seconds of just straight pushing something out of my ass. It wasn't like a... Because, you know, when you've waited, it usually just comes out, like, within five seconds. This thing... I was like...

When is it? Like, I literally was like, when is this going to stop? You keep doing this, like, as if you're doing the fro-yo. I'm not, I'm not. I was like, I literally had to, I'm not kidding. I shifted the plate because, like, one, one, like, scoop, it would have fell off. I had, it was, I wasn't a full fro-yo, but it was like a, it was like a J. It was a loop around. It was like a, it was a loop. Yeah, for sure. It was a one loop. Last night I did a show. It was like one, it was like five of us got dinner before the show last night and we all

We like got Mediterranean food and then we all like before the show we're kind of like People are kind of burping in the green room being like and we all

Had to like keep moving Oh that's a problem Like shit The same meal Five comics One green room bathroom That's a real problem No it was Union Hall So it's those like Farm stall Oh that's actually Not a bad place to have For five people To have to shit Nope That's actually One of the best ones Yeah And I kind of felt like It was kind of like A bonding experience For all of us being like That was tough Yeah Damn what'd you have Falafel

They had chicken shawarma, but I'm sorry to say this. I had an impossible kebab. That sucks. I don't know why. You know how sometimes you're just like, I'm going to do that today? Yeah, absolutely. Well, sometimes it'll just sweep past.

like i remember i was i was with a group a big group and everyone just ordered impossible burgers and it was like you just got caught up in it you know what i was like it i'll have one who gives a yeah yeah yeah there's like one vegan girl like and then we're like it we'll do it too

But yeah, that was probably bad. But I thought it was kind of cute. It's like, oh, we all are shitting. Because I feel like I'm usually the one who's shitting. Right. And so it was nice to be like, Jack and Eric, they're also shitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good guy. A couple good guys. You should have them on the podcast. I would love to have them on the podcast. Me plugging my friends? No, I love those guys. They're funny as shit. And they have a really funny podcast. I feel like they should be doing podcasts. I'm literally like their mother right now. I'm like, you should go on Sloth.

They're all they're on the list actually legitimately like we put a list together people we want to get a look in the camera I know Eric I was gonna bring Jack today I wouldn't I like Jack because you know what I mean when you're sitting on that I'm like I don't want to sit on the train alone for 45 minutes I think about my life and think about how I'm 30 This is better actually this is good. This is like we got down to the bottom

We really did. We really did. You just got to let you punch yourself out. You're going to talk about something boring for a while.

And then, you know, we let that go and then we'll really get into it. Wouldn't it be like you let a baby cry in the crib? Exactly, exactly. I do. I think a lot of my life is needed. I have to tucker myself out a lot. Yes, absolutely. Like sometimes I get too anxious so I have to go run around really fast to like burn my, tucker myself out. It's just that's, or just let me kind of talk. Of course. No, it's perfect. We got some great stuff. Was the beginning of it kind of like? No, we didn't. Remember we didn't start. I let you really talk longer than most guests before we started recording.

Because I thought we were hanging out like friends. We were. No, that was part of it. You're a very anxious person. I just wanted you to feel comfortable. I'm usually not this anxious, but I've just had a bad time. A bad stress. Yeah.

I'm actually usually Sarah Wee. Oh, yeah, you're so chill. Ask everyone that knows you. That's what they would describe you as. Maybe you're doing the podcast because I'm anxious. Ben is mad at me. Let's do some fucking questions, Eldest. Let's get Sarah to really key in on these people. I think you and me giving advice to people is like an interesting yin-yang situation. Absolutely. That's the best part of the show is to get...

I have my own perspective, but I like to see what everybody else wants to say. You've lived a life. I've lived a life. I've got a lot to say. Hit us, LD. Hit us with the first one.

hey eldest and hey yeah i had a question that i'm hoping you guys could help me out with um i've been hooking up with this girl that i met on a dating app nice and the sex is great and

and stuff, but I have an issue sometimes where, especially if it's with a new person, I have a lot of trouble finishing. So, you know, we'll just have sex

Pretend? Yeah.

Interesting. Oh, that's nice. That's so cute.

as many times as she thinks that I'm usually able to. So I feel like I'm living a double life. I'm just living a lie and I don't know what to do. I can't keep this up because the stamina isn't always there. So what do I do? Do I just be honest with her or do I just keep living my lie?

Thank you. This is awesome. I love this question. I think you should be honest because it's cute. It is kind of cute. I couldn't finish because I was nervous before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until I got nervous. Yeah, but now I love you and I'm busting quick.

That is interesting, isn't it? Honestly, this happens to me, and no joke, where I can't... I either can't get hard if I like... Well, if I like someone at first, I can get too nervous. Uh-huh. And then if I'm nervous, it either manifests itself in not getting hard or this exact thing happens where I can't bust...

And so what I would say to you, and look, I've figured out my own ways around this, not to get too crass, sucking on a titty while you beat off usually does it. Getting your balls licked while you beat off. Mommy's boy.

I do love my mother. That is weird that those two correlate. So, you know, there's ways around. See, I'm going to bust personally, but I don't, and I don't have it in me to fake busting in someone. That's a weird one. I mean, I didn't know we had an Oscar winning performer on the line. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess women are used to it. Are you sure she didn't know? That's my thing. I have a feeling she... With a condom, you could probably get away with it.

She might kind of know. You gotta be good at it. You can't be like, ooh. You know, you gotta be like, ooh, ooh. You know, something like that. And I was kind of, would you like an eight more? Yeah.

I think it's so... That's such a cute thing to come out. Like, I mean... Like, I just... I like you so much that I was able to finish more or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so, I get that now you've set this impossible standard that you can't go that often. But, I'm gonna tell you this. Maybe you got... How much pussy are you eating? Because that's always a foolproof... If you can bust... If...

Because like when you're busting fast, right? I've had to learn, I've had to teach myself some tricks here in terms of finger pop. I feel like daredevil, right?

Where my dick is nothing. My dick is like being blind, right? So that sense is gone. So the way Daredevil has heightened everything else, I got good at fingering. I got good at eating pussy. You know, all other ways to make a woman bust. That's what you're going to have to do here. Your dick is going to give out. So now you must train your other senses. So you can still get her busting twice or hooking up twice. But, you know, it doesn't have to be...

you know, vaginal intercourse every time. You can bust fast. Or the best thing is to do you eat pussy first, and that kind of takes the place of the first fuck sesh. And then the second fuck sesh can be you busting fast. Part of it might just be her excitement. Like, I feel like girls like it when you're like, you can go like a couple times in the night or something. They're like, oh, wow. He's a fuck sesh. You ain't even having sex. I actually have a different take. I think that...

If you guys need to be having sex multiple times a night, you have to go to church. No one needs that. Do you have a job? Get a job. This is like a too much time on your hands situation. You've disavowed every part of Judaism except fucking through a sheet. You're like, you just have a hole. You're just fucking doing a crossword until they bust. This is a wig. Yeah.

So, yeah. And look, now, you sound like a young, healthy guy. I don't want to tell you to do this, but another option is to take dick pills. Yeah. Because that is how it is with dick pills. I think that this guy has, like, a sensitive little heart. I don't think his heart could take a dick pill. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would develop myocarditis. Or maybe it sounds like he has to get more ripped. More ripped, you think? Because he says he doesn't have, like, his cardio. Oh, his cardio's bad. No, that's a... See, if it's...

I don't know. I think the cardio... Well, the cardio, if you're going to finger pop, if you're going to do a vigorous fingering, you get your cardio there. That could take the place of a dicking. Again, as someone with bad dick, usually, especially when I don't love the person, that's the thing. When you're just fucking random people, sometimes...

your dick's not going to get as hard as it is when you actually care about someone, so you take dick pills. But if you don't take them... Did he say the L word? Did he say love? No, but he's more comfortable. You know, not love, but like... I know, but I'm actually wondering. I want to know if he's in love. He's on the road. If he's busting fast, he really loves her. That's...

So that, those are, I would say you gotta definitely tell her, but also figure out ways to keep that pace a little bit. And look, it drops off. You don't fuck as crazy as a relationship starts. I think you guys should stop having sex and really get to know each other for a little bit.

Because all that time you guys spent doing the devil's works, sucking and fucking, you could actually be reading books. Two dueling perspectives, but I think between them you'll find a solution. And good luck. Good luck, pal. That's really cute of you to bust fast out of love. Everybody calls you dog. We get dog in there. Yeah. No, it's the Google transcription. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of, yeah. Yeah.

uh what's up man uh i got a relationship question uh i was seeing a girl and uh we were probably hooking up for like two months maybe a month and a half in she's like hey i don't care like but are we gonna date or do you just wanna and i like played it off you know whatever uh maybe two weeks later she's like

"Hey, do you care if I see other people?" And you know, I was like, "Oh, whatever. It's fine. No worries."

I ended up kind of overplaying my hand a bit, you could say. So I hit her up last week, like, hey, you want to hang out? And she's like, no, sorry, I'm seeing someone else. And we just talked about being exclusive. So kind of a shot to the gut. Now that I can't see her, I'm obsessed with her. Oh, no. I'm wondering what I should do. Let me know. Oh, dude, you're fucked. There's nothing to do. This exact same thing happened to me.

And it's horrific. Who do you guys think you are, literally? 100%. No, it's wrong. It's like you make me sick. Yeah. I mean, this guy. I mean, some of us are doing really well, you know.

Some of us are pretty, you know, career's going good. Selling out Caesar's Palace. I'm in Caesar's Palace, baby. I'm the flip side because when girls have like ran that line by me, like I just ended up in like two fucked up relationships. I just folded immediately. I was like, fuck, what am I doing? Exactly. And here's the other thing. This is how human psychology works. So like maybe you don't even like this girl. It's just that you can't, you just can't have...

You can't have what you, you know, what you thought you were going to have forever. So look, it's over. The faster you can get away from it, the better. It's if she, she was trying to be like, what happened to me is we never really had that conversation before.

And then she was like, I have a boyfriend out of nowhere. And so that felt a little... I feel like I might have folded if I... Not even folded, but I feel like if I was ever made to look at my feelings, I would have been like, oh, you know what? Yeah, let's give this a fucking whirl. But you did get that... She did ask you that. And you did say no. And...

Yeah, what the fuck were you doing? Were you fucking other people? If not, then what the fuck, dude? I think that you screwed the pooch. Your primary partner has to be yourself and you have to be alone for a long time and look inward and look at yourself and look in the mirror and see who's staring back at you and really get to know yourself. This is horrible advice. You have to get... This is horrible advice. You should be celibate. This is so wrong. You should be celibate and say, what kind of man am I?

And who am I really before I start letting other people date me? You have to date you before other people date you that issue but in general but not for you You can't be you need to get into a relationship fast truly I really believe that if you get if you replace this girl you will not give a fuck at all you just want what you can't have and

And that happened to me where it's like, so this girl was like, hey, I have a boyfriend. And then I started seeing someone kind of casually. And I was like, hey, maybe me and her should date. But then I was on the road. I was gone for a month. And I came back and she was like, now I have a boyfriend. But it was like when there was somebody that I thought could have been cool, it kind of all I could already feel the like how sad I was about this girl disappearing completely.

When you're like, oh, maybe there's some potential in the next one. Let this be a lesson to you You're not you don't have that good a dick. You're not that cool You can't pull this off and just know in the future. That's who you are. Mm-hmm. So get yourself a good girlfriend and

I'm certainly taking this as a lesson like, damn, the next time a girl that I really click with comes around, I'm just going to try and have a real relationship instead of just trying to see how much free pussy I can get and also fuck other girls. Free? Yeah. I think you should be a monk. I think you should live in a convent and you should meditate and read.

Read and write a couple books And really think about The way you impact others I mean that's That last part's not bad advice But you should fuck still No LD what do we got baby Oh a girl Daddy baby My name's Megan Hi Megan I'm from New Jersey I just moved into My own apartment

And whatever, it's like a shared apartment. The lady underneath me has giant fucking wind times outside her window, outside my window. I work from home a couple days a week, and I feel like I'm just sitting in here like rocking back and forth. They're so loud. I feel like it's a really rude thing to put in a shared space.

On a really windy day, I went out there and I took them off there on like a little hook. Took them off the hook, just left them in the ground. And they were down for like a month. And now she's put them back up. And I mean, my instinct is to just vandalize them. No. She's a really nice older lady. So I know there's a lot of people calling with like relationship questions. She's nice. Yeah.

I'm really stumped on what to do. I instinct is to vandalize them or to steal them. But then I feel like it would just be like a telltale heart thing if I took them. I feel like I don't want to be like tell the management. I don't think they would do anything necessarily and then I'm just like a tattletale. Whatever. Or do I just like next time I see her

Do I ask her to take them down? And my other thought was to write a really nice note and get her a bird feeder and be like, maybe this is an alternative. Please consider taking them down. But my sister, I told her that idea and I was really proud of it. She said, no, just steal them. So hopefully this is a fun topic. It is. It is. Sarah's chomping at the bit. I know exactly what to do. All right. Let's hear it. Thanks. Love you. Bye. There's this like adhesive thing.

I can't remember the name of it. It's like... There's different kinds of adhesive that are like this, but it's like gooey, tacky, clay-like adhesive that you can make little balls of it. And...

I'm going to find, we're going to figure out what it is. It's like stick tacky, whatever glue. Okay. And you could put it individually between the chimes so that they stay rigid and like a centimeter and they'll sway together and they won't be knocking. And if she's like a little old lady, she's not going to really probably. I mean, she didn't notice for a month when she took them down. Right. And like, if it's there, she'll see it dangling. Right. She won't.

think anything of it but they're not going to be clangling into each other. Interesting. I like that idea. I like that idea too. I do. That actually is a pretty good idea. Now look, I'm going to be honest with you. She's a nice... Like if this was a dumb bitch, if you're like, she's a dumb bitch, she never listens to anything, it sounds like you didn't even bother being like, hey, this is really distracting. Can I take them down when I'm working or something like that? Like...

Look, the real human being thing to do is talk to her, write her a nice note, and yeah, bake her some cookies, get her a birdhouse, just something, and be a good neighbor. But Sarah's idea is pretty good. The problem is if it gets discovered, because like, okay, you put them on the ground, they could have fell, right?

She finds weird little balls in between her wind chimes. She's like, who the fuck did this? It's so much weirder than putting them on the ground. So it depends what you want to do. I think you can just fucking...

tell this nice old lady now look if she was a dumb bitch steal him vandalize him put the tacky on do whatever the fuck you want but it's Sarah's plan is very good but it is high risk because if it's discovered it's bizarre that you would put that someone took the time to just put a little balls in between each one and that's no no way could you chalk that up to a mistake but like them falling is a mistake high risk

I reward. I reward. Where is it? Can you scroll back up? She said it's right outside. We've been to her apartment. It's like outside her window, the woman's window. It's kind of like a shared outside space. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. So it's nice, I think. You should have a little wind chime. Isn't that nice? I think so, but they're too big, apparently. Or ask her to get a bigger or smaller one or just...

Tell her to take them down when you're working. Or just sticky tack it. Yeah, sticky tack it. Those are your options. I don't know about stealing them, vandalizing them. It's not just a telltale heart, but what's stopping this bitch from getting a bigger wind chime? You know what I'm saying? Or is she an old racist lady? You could do that thing where people do fake graffiti, and you could take them down, and you could be like, blacks rule, we hate wind chimes. And she'll be like, you put these up again, and me and my black face...

family will come back and beat the fuck out of you, you old white bitch. Fuck Trump. You could do that and she could be scared for her life. So these are your options, basically. But that's also the thing. You might push her into full QAnon mode and she'll take it as a sign to stick it to the black she needs to win chimes. So you got a lot of high risk, high reward plays here. Totally. And also I just want to say, don't have sex. Laughter

This is good. We do need this deferring position, the opposite position. This is like the debates, the Chomsky, what the fuck. No, no. Is it the Zizek Peterson debate? No, no, no. Who's that old one? William Buckley and who's the gay guy? Is it Gore Vidal? No, it was Chomsky and William Buckley, yeah.

Yes, this is Chuck. I'm the sexual. I'm the one pro-sex. And I'm anti. Sarah's big anti. All right, baby. Hi, Scotty. I am a 38-year-old single female living in Manhattan. Nice. I need some of your advice. I am finding it hard to date men in New York specifically.

as a very strong, independent woman. I don't have trouble getting dates. I don't even have trouble getting second dates or falling into relationships. I do, however, think that I come in strong and assertive. And I really want your advice on

Is it true that men maybe don't like that? Or are there men out there that do like a stronger, more independent, more assertive, knows what she wants type of woman? And maybe I'm just not finding the right guy. I know what you need to do. You need to go home during the holidays and

and hit your head and get amnesia and fall in love with a lumberjack whose wife died in a skiing accident three summers ago, three winters ago. So that's what you got to do. You got to live a hallmark. You got to be on your Blackberry all times. And your family's like, put that thing away. And then you bump into someone. The Blackberry falls in a puddle of water in short circuits.

and you have no choice but to be present. And then you find through the spirit of Christmas that it's not your big high-powered job in the big city. It's not all it's cracked up to be. And maybe family is what's important. That's what I was just doing. I'm thinking there's...

thinking there are a lot of like platitudes and sort of like abstract language here yes that's true and so it's it's making me sort of i think that she's kind of obfuscating a lot of maybe details that are important like what do you mean you come on too strong right what are you saying where are the details here yeah because this i totally see what you're saying because it's like this is a little girl bossy you know what i mean this is a little like like

sure like for example our friend elders here loves a woman to run his life he doesn't want to make a decision he he's so much better off his girlfriend dresses him and he's better off for it but yes so there's a little bit of like yeah what do you mean by that when you say very strong independent woman is that code for bitch you know because that's possible um

But at the same time, if you're the kind of person who is driven by their career, career comes first kind of thing, like, you know, always breaking plans because you have shit to do. You know, it's like there is a difference between you can negotiate everything.

you know, your own goals and a relationship. The reality is if what you mean by strong, independent woman is like you're busy, whatever you're going to have to, at a certain point you have to put effort into a relationship and like maybe not make it a priority, but make it a co-priority with whatever your strong, independent shit is. Um,

And I do think there are definitely people that, yeah, what do you mean by strong and assertive? Like in what sense? Picking a restaurant? That's not that big a deal. I think a lot of guys would like not having a fucking, you know what I'm saying? I'm hungry. Oh, what do you want? I don't know. I think a lot of people would like not having to do that. You know, there's definitely there's definitely pluses.

I had to do so much research when me and my girl started dating because she's, like, vegetarian. And I was like... And then it just, like, turned into, like, date after date. I'm like, God damn, I need, like, I need her to step in here and just suggest a place. I'm looking at these fucking, like, cool place, cool vegetarian places. Yeah, yeah, listicles. Time out, New York. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This was cruising through it. So there's a little bit of that. Like, do you... And I'm not going to tell you to necessarily...

who you are, but there probably is a little room for compromise here. Like, speaking for myself as somebody who, I don't have time right now to actually, like, work,

Work on a serious relationship. I just know that it would fall apart. I'm I'm never home I'm too busy My priority is my career right now and but I know that if I wanted a relationship which I'm gonna probably you know try and Actually get going second half of the year when I have a little more free time I'm gonna you have to though But that's what I mean is like if you're so focused on your career like if I kept up this pace I couldn't be in a relationship like

You would never meet someone. You would never have time to really talk. So I know I'm going to have to compromise my current lifestyle a little bit because a relationship is important to me.

Do you have to do a little bit of that? Now, are you rude? Now, again, if this is... If what you mean by very strong and a better woman is rude, like if you're like, you know, like the girl equivalent of like fucking Patrick Bateman over here, like, then like, yes, you have some stuff to work on. But that doesn't mean... But certainly there are definitely plenty of men that are probably...

intimidated by somebody who's maybe more successful than them, all this other shit, that exists. But don't let the fact that some of them exist give you a pass on some of the stuff you might be doing that's making these relationships not work. And I'm not saying it's even most, I'm not saying it's mostly your fault. I'm just saying like, is there stuff you could work on? Look deep within yourself. And if there is, work on those. And if there's not, then yeah, I think you could find like

There's definitely different types of people. There's definitely relationships you see all the time where the guy is kind of submissive in other ways and likes a strong woman. That's out there for sure. Don't have an intimate relationship with anyone. You're in one. I'm in one of the most loving, stable relationships. Straight. Straight pride. Straight pride. Straight pride.

So yeah, good luck, toots. Let us know how it goes. I'd love to... Is that helpful at all? If you need a little follow-up, let us know in what ways you're strong and independent. Are these people trying to date you? I don't think so. Has anyone ever come on and just been like, hey, what's your number? I want to go on a date with you. I don't know. I think I have.

I think I have hooked up with someone that's called into the show, but she didn't tell me until after we fucked. The old show, not this one, the Twitch show. I've definitely fucked people who like the show, that's for sure. But no, I don't think I've ever fucked anybody who's called in. But...

I'm not against it, folks. I was just going to say, there's a 38-year-old extremely independent bossy lady out there. That sounds kind of nice. That does sound kind of nice. She's busy. You're busy. Yeah, we can figure it out. She lives in Manhattan? Ooh. Fucking Manhattan. I don't know if she'll come all the way out to Queens, though.

You know what I mean? She sounds like the kind of independent, strong woman that feels like it's too shitty to live in Queens. I definitely have. My friends have dated girls, rich women, who are like, you live in Queens? Oh. That happened to Soder before, where he was dating. Soder...

He was like on billions and like on tour and had like and he was still living under a bridge in Astoria. But still, that's a that's a sign of a fucking asshole if they judge where you live, I think. Everyone does think it is the suburbs out here. Fuck them. Suck my dick. Queens is the best. Astoria number Astoria number one. Amazing. Great restaurants.

Better than fucking, you know, a lot of parts of Brooklyn can suck my fucking dick and balls. A lot of them. You're fucking, oh, you feel good displacing a black family, you fucking pieces of shit? Just be normal and displace a Greek family in Astoria. Exactly. One for one. Find the race to stay together. One Greek in, one Greek out. Hit us with another one, Elders.

Hey Stavi baby. Got a little pickle. It's been going on since about 2020. Long story short, my sister was living with my husband and I. Those two used to be best friends. Really close, love each other. During pandemic, another family, my husband's best friend.

him and his wife and three girls would come over we had our little pandemic pod of people we hung out with kept it exclusive my sister and the wife ended up falling in love very very long saga of cops getting involved children seeing this and needless to say no one's friends anymore the husband and wife are now divorced my sister's

playing house with this fucking manipulative bitch. Oh, we see where you feel, how you feel about this. I actually warned her about, you know, all of this the first night they met. The wife came up to me and said, oh, I'm infatuated with your sister. I always knew she was, you know, not a good seed. Now my husband, he doesn't want to ever go to any family functions.

It's the kids have noticed, my kids have noticed, it's bad. This is wild, bro. The family's trying to get him to, you know, forgive her. But his whole thing is, I shouldn't have to compromise my feelings. I mean, yeah. Do you think I'm being unreasonable asking him to just put it all in the past and say it is what it is? We can't make people do or not do what we want them to. What?

I don't know. What do I do? How do we move on from this? Because I'm not going fucking separate to every family function for the rest of my life. No. Love you. This is fucking wild. We need to map this out. Start from the beginning, Eldest. So scroll up for me. So she said my sister was living with my husband and I. So...

Pandemic. I'm originally thinking sister fucks the husband. Classic story. I saw you go there. I saw a twinkle in your eye. But this is fucking awesome. This is better. So my husband's best friend...

So we have her, sister, and husband over here, and we have husband's best friend and wife, and they all have kids. And they're three kids. And both families have kids, it sounds like, right? I don't know if she specifies if she has kids, but... I think she said, like, my kids are noticing, my kids are noticing. Okay, yeah. Okay, cops are involved. I mean... So her sister...

Her sister cucked her husband's best friend. Her sister cucked her husband's best friend. And her husband and her sister used to be friends. So it's like... Right. So... And now her husband doesn't want to go hang out with her sister. Is that correct? Yeah. He doesn't want to... It sounds like he just hates the entire situation. Yeah. But she says family function. So, yeah, we're probably assuming the sister. But, you know, the sister is probably...

Maybe going as a couple to these family functions. Either way. Here's the thing. And I know what you're saying. I know what you're saying. And this is just my perspective. I just... I couldn't get over this. I'm going to be honest with you. At least... You can't force... It started in 2020. It's not... In the grand scheme of things, it has not been that long. I think...

At minimum, we're looking at a two year, no Thanksgivings, no Christmas cooling off period here. Like there's no and you also have to see what happens with this relationship. Like in a weird way, it's either going to last or it's not like in the off chance. Your sister. I mean, you think this woman is a dumb bitch. Clearly, you called her a manipulative bitch. You clearly it's clear where your loyalties lie. And it's also your sister. I get that.

Your husband's got a fucking point. His best friend got cucked by... He doesn't want to see your sister. He doesn't want to see this person. I get where he's coming from. A family function. Yeah. This is how I feel. Yeah. As a Long Island rigid Jew. Yes, yes, yes. Friends are people you like. Friends are people you like.

is a lot of people you don't. You have to see. And you just have to see. And now these people are just falling in the category of family.

So guess what? You gotta see him. You know what I'm saying? See, I have a different take on this where it's like your family... You have to like your family. And if they do... Like, the bar is so low for getting a family... To be disqualified as a family member. Totally. Where if you do something fucked up enough to get disqualified, you deserve it. Right. You know what I mean? There's people in my family I don't talk to because they've done fucked up shit. Right. And honestly, I'm better off for it. I feel so much better about it. Now, this is complicated because...

He doesn't really have a blood relation here. It's just his best friend. I mean, it's kind of like me and you. Like, if my brother cucked you, I would be like, dude, that's fuck... I would be like, that sucks. You know? Like, I wouldn't... We all wouldn't want to hang out, you know? And you add the lesbian element to it. That's pretty fun. That makes it interesting, at least. Yeah, that makes it sexy, at least. I mean, it just goes back to my point of, like, sex is evil and will ruin family. Yeah.

You're right about that. Now, scroll all the way down. So her issue here is that she's basically like, what the fuck do I do? Yeah, she hates a woman, but her question technically seems like she's asking how does she make the husband come around and just, you know, come to the damn picnic. I don't know. I mean, personally...

I'm with the husband. And I know what you're saying. I just... Maybe I... If this was a judicial hearing, I would have to recuse myself. Because I am for cutting people off. It's one of my favorite things in the world. If you've fucked me, if you've wronged me... And the list is long, honey. The list is long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. If you've wronged me, I'm not putting my energy into fixing this relationship. I'm moving on and I'm having a better fucking life. Now...

The kids, the kids is the, if it wasn't for the kids, I would say you can't make him turn it around. He's right. This is how he feels. The kids is interesting because I would, I would still want my kids. These are what cousins, like you want the kids to hang out still. And I'm so, but I gotta be honest from my perspective, it does have to be separate family functions. It just does from, this is just me, right?

Sarah has a different perspective where you can just hang out with people you hate. But this is like... I do it every day in my life. But none of those people... None of those people fucked your best friend's wife. They're just a rude uncle. Also, what I'm getting here is that...

The sister lived with them. Yeah. They like did her a favor. And her and the sister were friends. Like her, the sister and the husband were close. Yeah. And she betrayed him in a way, not just his best friend. It's like a betrayal of trust on two different levels. And so I'm sorry. I'm with the husband here. Even though I get where you're coming from.

You could never make me do this. You just couldn't. I would honestly put my foot down and it would start to cause problems between me and you if we were like... If you insisted, if my significant other forced... If she gave me an ultimatum, I would be like, that's so fucked up of you to do this.

And also at that point, you're like, you're going to take your dumb bitch sister side. That's how I would start feeling. So you're telling me your sister's feelings and you not wanting to fucking go to two Thanksgivings is more important than how I feel. That's how I would feel. And again, I have my own problems. Clearly, they're coming out in this call. But I can't give an objective answer here. It seems really fucking fucked up and weird.

If my brother fucked my... Fucked your boyfriend. I'd go, whoa. I'm not hot. That would turn you sexual all of a sudden. You'd be like, whoa, this was my thing the whole time? Gay incest cucking? Lauren's like, well, I guess I just turned 30. I have a new lease on it. It's like, people do crazy crap.

I know, I know. But it's like, I just, I feel like you gotta, I don't know, this one's a hard one. Doesn't want to ever go to any family functions. I mean, what? How many do you have? That's what I'm saying. Also, she's bringing her around? Your sister's the dumb bitch! Tell your sister to take this bitch out of Thanksgiving! What the fuck? This is crazy. He's not wrong. Your sister's bringing this dumb bitch around.

That's crazy. Your sister's the wrong one. Talk to your fucking sister if you want to talk to anybody. Like, that's the thing. He's being penalized for being a more reasonable human being than her stupid bitch sister. That's what this is. You know you can't get through to the actual crazy one. So you're going to try and get the reasonable person to compromise their, like, you know, what they feel. Like, literally...

That's the thing. It's like crazy people you just have to detach or whatever. You're not going to change... If these people are crazy enough to make these decisions, you're not going to change these people. Go to one Hanukkah. That's it. One Hanukkah. You can go to one. Fine. Maybe there's some point... There's a point for like some compromise here. Maybe you can go to one thing. But...

Also, the thing I was saying earlier is like, you might just want to have to give it some time because what's going to happen is either this will reveal itself to be your sister's true love, in which case it's weird and it's fucked up. Or she'll wake up from her nightmare. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's one or the other. Either this woman sticks around and if she sticks around, it means, okay, whatever.

I'm obviously not going to ignore my family for my whole life. So I'm going... She does become... She gets grandfathered into this situation of like, well, families, people you have to see. At a certain point, if they get married, if they have, you know, if her and this bitch get married...

They're like, all right, fine. I'm going to have to make peace with this. But, or, you give it a couple years, she's probably gone, let's be honest. She's going to cool off. She's in time out. She's gone. They're probably going to break up. She's probably going to fuck some... She's going to fuck her. She's going to fuck your sister. She might fuck your husband. You know, like, this lady's trouble. Either way. So, I think it's not unreasonable to be like, can we just give this a couple years and I don't want to fucking... And then if this bitch is still around in a couple years, fine.

But I'm kind of with your husband and I don't know if I'm right or he's wrong. Have you been betrayed a lot in your life? Deeply? I don't think so. I mean, no one's really... No one's cheated on me. Right, like I've never experienced betrayal like this. That's why I'm kind of like... There was one girl who I was like kind of dating who did some fucked up shit to me. It is something I worry about for some reason. I think it comes down to like, you know, just family shit of like... Just like...

Just deep-seated shit of, like, even if you weren't betrayed, you were always worried about it. I don't know. I don't know where it comes from, but I definitely have that feeling of, like... I've been... I've had a couple betrayals, but yeah. And that's where it's, like, I will never...

If like I there's people where I'm like, if I see you, I will fuck you up. And so it's better that we never see each other, you know, like sure. And that's not that's not that many people. You know, there's only one that comes to mind. The cameras to be off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's definitely people have done fucked up shit and there's shit that I have allowed to happen to, you know, you know, I've allowed people to do that. But yeah, I'm just I always if someone has crossed me.

They're gone as far as I'm concerned. And I don't think that's a wrong thing. No. Unless... You know, like a family member is one thing. If it's somebody that's worth working on a relationship. But if it's like a friend who just like betrays you and it's like, well, you're not worth this. So...

Anyway, good luck. I'm sorry. Can this person call back? I'd love more. This would be a great live call. This is like two minutes and there's still not enough details. I know. And you can tell she's only getting warmed up by the end. You hear how mad she got at the end? I'm not fucking going to sleep. I love her contempt, like just sneaking through. Yeah, you sneak in fucking manipulative bitch, all that stuff. Really good stuff.

Let's get a time check, Eldest. How long have we been going? We're at 1.37 right now. It's felt like 10 minutes. It's felt awesome. Starving, by the way. Yeah, yeah. We can have a little snack. Why don't we do one more? What do you say, Sarah? I want a really crazy one. You want a really crazy one? I mean, this one. Are we topping this one? Probably not. This one's wild. But if there could be one in the arena. Eldest, do you have anything? I got something. Uh-oh. Because that was like. Big Eld's got it.

Mean yeah, it's not topping that but You start playing a phone call I had a different I had a personal voicemail just my physical therapist I have to go tomorrow. Yes. He wants to change my appointment. All right, let's hear it Baby Love the show. Thank you, but I do it for every episode I'm calling because

My sister has this dog, right? And basically she's had him for about, I want to say like three and a half, four years now. Okay. And my parents, the dog keeps pissing all over the house, honestly. And at first she tried to make it a thing.

That, you know, she was never getting trained and, you know, gotta get them fixed. And then she went back and forth saying, like, oh, well, how would you feel if your balls were cut off? What? I'm not a fucking dog. He never got fixed. He never got potty trained. So at this point, my mom's had it up to here with this goddamn dog. I love him. He's not technically my dog. He's my sister's dog. But I have a pretty close relationship with my sister. You know, I love her to death. And...

I don't know, man. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that my mom wants to give the dog away, and she wants to make it seem like he ran away. How old is your sister? And not tell my sister anything. Is she a child? She knows that if she tells her sister, hey, you know, fucking Bubba's going away, she's going to flip out on her and it's going to cause this whole thing. But also, you know, if...

If he stays and keeps shitting and pissing all over the place, my mom has these little breakdowns and shit. Your mom's not wrong. Oh, also, she wants me to keep it a secret. So I'm just stuck in the middle of all this. Do I tell my sister and prevent her from having some abandonment issue shit or whatever from this dog she loves? She's got a child if she's mentally poor. Anyways, let me know what you think. Later, babe.

Yeah, this is the child. It's got to be a child. Wait, no, but doesn't the sister have... Wait, scroll up. No, because he said the sister said she'll take care of getting it fixed and stuff. I mean, she has to be like, you know, at least her late teens or something. Right. But it also sounds like they're both living with mom. Right. So I don't know.

Wait, don't you have to get your dog fixed? Or, wait. No. You don't have to, no. But don't you, like... Like, we had a friend whose dog, they didn't get the dog spayed. And every time the dog got a period, they put, like, diapers on her. And it was like a dog fucking bleeding into some pampers and shit. You're just playing Xbox, and you're like, oh, there's the fucking dog. Hope none of her pussy blood gets everywhere as I'm trying to eat Nacho Mama's wings.

Because at this point the dog is ruined So now you're foisting a poorly behaved dog onto another I think you gotta call in like a really intense like Israeli guy Yeah, yeah, yeah It's like fucking do boot camp on this fucking dog The dog needs to be trained Also it's like your mom is not wrong here

The dog is shitting and pissing in her house. The dog's got... Here's the other... The only other way this can be fixed is it becomes an outdoor dog. You gotta go Snoopy with it. Give it a dog house. I mean, you sound poor. Yeah.

You and your adult sister are still living with your mom. So maybe you don't have that much yard space for the dog. But this has to be a fucking outside dog if it's not going to get potty trained. This is fucking, that's fucking crazy. If I had a dog shitting and pissing in my house, I'd be pissed off too. Well, that's what my, my mom would just kill me. Yeah. Like it wouldn't even get to this. I, you would have seen in the news that Sarah was shot execution trial between the eyes by her own mother. Yeah.

Like, how did it even get here? I know. This is legitimately insane. I think you should get this dog away. Maybe, is it animal rights? Are you helping animal rights if you assist in giving this dog to someone who is better equipped to take care of it? Yeah, I mean, he's also... But the problem then is, like, what does his sister do?

Right? Like his sister's going to be pissed off. Right. You also say you love the dog. Well, why don't you do the shit? You don't want to, right? That's the real answer here. You could step in and do all this shit and you love the dog and everything, but it does shit in your house. That's fucking crazy. What do you mean he never got potty trained? That's so fucking wild. So there's just shit and piss and pee and poop everywhere, as far as the eye can see? Yeah.

Yeah, that's gross. And he's saying his mom is having breakdowns. It's affecting your mother's mental health. And this is years. Three and a half. That's pre-pandemic. Potty training is one thing. Is this a compromise? Like, they don't

take the dog out behind the sister's back, but they do get it fixed behind her back and be like, we got to chop his nuts off and just calm his crazy ass down. That's not going to stop him from shitting. Maybe. Aren't dogs crazier if they're not fixed or something? Yeah, they're more annoying. They're more annoying. I don't think fixed dogs are potty trained necessarily. Right, right. Yeah, I mean, the dog should get its nuts chopped off for sure.

I think you call animal control on your, well, your sister's out of the house. Okay? You're on mom's side. You get animal control to collect the dog. The dog gets its shit corrected by a really scary Israeli guy who teaches the dog Krav Maga and it goes to a really intense family. This is weird though because this also shows their mom is not a great

mom like like instead of like she's let the daughter get away with this shit it's three and a half years she doesn't want to have a fucking conversation about it she's not like the dog gets fixed or it's out or you're out we're all out yeah so it's like this your mom's a little complicit here too

and what needs to happen is truly your sister needs to just fix this shit, and if it doesn't happen... Like, here's the thing. Has your mom given the sister an ultimatum? Right. Has she been like, look...

We can't deal with this. You have to spend money to get it trained. You have to get it fixed. And or you can either you can literally you or the dog. Either the dog goes or you and the dog go. You know what I mean? Like that. And she can give her that ultimatum. And if this is like, fuck you, bitch, because you're probably sounds like, again, you're white trash. Fuck you, you fucking whore. And she throws a Mountain Dew at your mom's head. A full can.

And so she's got to at least do that. If your mom has had this conversation with her and she doesn't want to kick her daughter out, I see where she's coming from in terms of like letting the dog run away. But here's the other thing. I mean, I guess they're going to give it away. I was going to say, if you just release the dog, he might just come back. There's not many other two-bedroom apartments he can shit all over the carpet in. Also, I'm thinking we're only alive once, right? Okay.

When in your life do you get to team up with your mom to do a crazy live? It's kind of like an amazing experiment. That is kind of fun. Where it's like you sit down with your mom and you guys literally do exterior day.

This is a chance for pure storytelling. And maybe you're an incredible actor and you don't know. It's true. Challenge yourself to come up with the craziest lie. And this could be a test to see how good of a liar are you? How good of a performer are you? How good of a weaving of narrative are you?

I think that you should give the dog away, find it a better home. I think that your sister comes home and you see, can you cry? Like she walks in and you're like, and she's like, what's wrong? Bubba's gone. What happened? This like, literally these guys came into the house with like machine guns. I just think it's like,

Well, life's too short to not see what kind of crazy thing can happen. I agree. That's a great point. You should do that. You should fucking put on a whole performance. But look, either he's an outside dog, but again, I don't think you have fucking grass. What is that? What's an outside dog? A dog that doesn't come in the house. Who does that? Wolves? Old school, bro. That's how dogs used to be. You know, that is some fucking foreigner shit. Greek people do not respect dogs. Ha ha ha!

Dogs do not come in Greek homes, truly. Maybe in America they do, but not in Greece. In Greece, they're in the fucking yard. That's a fucking pet. It's an animal. Little Jewish families with a little tiny Jewish bichon. Yeah. That dog stays on mommy's lap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am a little, I do have some foreigner in me where I'm like, dog in my fucking bed? That's gross. Yeah, but a lot of people do that.

I don't know. So look, you're kind of fucked here. Your family clearly has... This is just a... This is a symptom of a larger problem of your family having poor communication skills. Totally. And you're not going to fix it over this dog. But I get where your mom's coming from. And your sister's going to either have to fucking fix the dog. Like fix it as in like potty train... You know, spend money to train it, get its nuts chopped off. Or she's going to have to just like fold...

And do whatever the fuck your mom wants. From my perspective, anyway. Dogs are a good lesson in, like, every decision you make has consequence. When you make mistakes with a dog, that is 30 years of a problem. Yeah. Or however long dogs live. Like, you just created a problem for 10 years. How long do you think fucking dogs live? What the fuck? I'm 30, so I'm getting put down. Yeah, dude, sorry. I don't fucking know what to tell you. You could also just...

You could make it look like the dog tried to attack you and then you could kill it with your bare hands. Let's also be honest. This dog gets your mom gives this dog away. It's going to a fucking shelter. People are going to be like this dog shits everywhere. I'm not taking it. And they're going to get that boy's getting fucking put down unless he's cute as hell. Who knows? But.

Yeah, dude. Sorry. Best case scenario, your dog gets pretty womaned by a rich family and he gets trained, he gets everything nice, but... He gets my fair lady. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. They turn that hoe into a housewife. Good luck. Hope the dog survives and hope your family survives. But I think that's going to do it for us, folks. Sarah, you got anything you want to plug? Yeah. A&W. It's so good. It's truly the best diet soda. Yeah.

I'm going on tour. Yeah. Go see Sarah on tour. Where are we going? Austin. Sarah. San Francisco. Sarah.com. Sarah.com. Yeah. Go to Sarah.com. Sometimes I'm on TV. Yeah. Fucking you people don't watch it. Yeah.

Yeah. Retweet or, you know, like the TikTok, any TikToks you see of Sarah from SNL. That's how children are watching it. I'm scared of that. I haven't seen any TikToks of me and I don't want to know. Loud, ugly Jewish woman on SNL. Thank you guys for listening. Thanks, Sarah, for coming on the show. And we'll talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye.

That was fun. Yeah, it was good. That was fun.