Sam Morril
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. We're back with my boy, Sammy the Bull, in the fucking studio. We got super producer Eldis figuring out how to start the... Last time he fucked the... Well, I don't know. You guys are going to see these in completely out of order. But he's figuring out the fucking... You're getting the hang of the fucking buttons, the fucking... There's a delay. There's a delay. We'll figure it out. There's a delay. We'll figure it out.

Delay in the corner of the room? You've got a lot of plugs running. He doesn't know shit. This is the problem. I don't know what the fuck. I just was like, I'll just hire my best friend to learn things. He has no technical expertise whatsoever, but I don't have to pay him like a real engineer. That's good. Minimum wage. Minimum wage.

I run my podcast like a Greek man runs his diner. I get immigrants with no experience who are fully indebted to me. This does have diner vibes. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is beautiful. Thank you. Thank you. This is the closest I'm ever going to come to a vacation, I think. That's right. It's a backdrop. That's right. Nice. We got my boy Sam Morrell. You guys know him. One of the best comics in the fucking biz.

And we're just... You are, dude. Oh, thank you. Come on. I'm blushing. Just released your fucking special on Netflix. Same time tomorrow. So fucking funny. Go watch it. I'm sure you have already. And I'm happy to have you here. Because, you know, we're just getting started with the show. This is like our... We're going to do like a batch to kind of figure it out. And so you're one of the guys I had to have on. Because it's also... Sometimes I know the people really well. Sometimes I don't know them. But you're one of my best friends. You too, man. I know your neuroses. Oh, yeah.

But it will be fun to get into with the larger... One of my neuroses coming to Astoria. Yeah, yeah. That's at the top of the list. Literally, in a taxi cab, I get in one and he goes, not Astoria. I'm like, fuck you. That's not legal, dude. He goes, I'm not taking it. I was like, ah.

No, but I'm always pumped to come to Astoria. I always grill you calamari when you come to Astoria. It's sweet, bro. Grilled calamari might be my favorite thing to eat. So good. If you're at a good Greek place and you get some grilled calamari. Grilled calamari, a fucking little Greek salad. You get some dips in the mix. It's nice. I love it. What's the one that's like...

What are the popular... I mean, obviously, tzatziki. But what's the other one that's got the fish egg in it? Oh, fucking taramosalata. That's so fucking good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's incredible. It's like a whipped caviar. Yeah. It's fucking delicious. Yeah. Greek food is nice, too. It's a great date. Look, the tzatziki is a little dicey because it makes your breath garlicky. Yeah. But if you go Greek salad, little fucking grilled calamari, it's not a heavy meal. You can still get your dick hard after.

Yeah, that's a good point. Because if you drink too much, you eat like a steak, it can really affect your penis. But a nice, fresh... Henry Kissinger dick, they call it. Just assume he eats a lot of steak. Who fucked an insane amount? Henry Kissinger was like the fuck... It was just like a fucking ugly piece of shit destroying the third world. But my man was getting pussy. For sure. Game-recognized game. You know who he kind of looked like a little bit? That really good character actor who was...

later season of Frasier who starts hooking up with Daphne. Remember? That's what he kind of looked like a little. I don't remember. Damn. Look that one up. I think I got it. Eldest, fucking get to work, man. What the fuck are you doing lollygagging around? Support the guest's bits, Eldest.

Let's see how he tries to Google this. Frasier actor who fucked Daphne. No, no, no. Almost married Daphne. Almost married Daphne. I don't remember the late... I will admit, Frasier was like... I would watch it like the way... So good. I would watch it like syndicated, random-ass episodes. So I didn't really follow the narrative arc too much. Duh.

Donnie. Donnie Douglas. We need a picture, though. Picture, Eldis. Come on. Tick tock. No, it's not. These are all fucking Niles. What the fuck is this? Look up Donnie. Yeah, there he is. Donnie Frazier.

A little bit. Okay. Oh, yeah. What else is this fucking guy? Isn't that Coen Brothers? More than the Ballad of Buster Scruggs. Yes. That kind of shit, dude. Saul Rubinick, too. That's his name. That's the actor. He was in... You know what it is? True Romance. He's the fucking producer in the hotel room in True Romance. A little bit, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look up Henry Kissinger gets pussy, Eldis.

Not in the images. But yeah, Kissinger got his dick sucked. It's fucking wild. But anyway. Real time with Bill Maher. New rule. No more pussy for Henry Kissinger.

Fuck. Anyway, yeah, so we... I don't remember what the fuck we were talking about before that. About how Greek is good. Yes, it's true. No, you're right. Certain foods, like, seafood's a tough segue in a vagina. I don't know. I think it kind of gets you right in there. What do you mean? It depends. I mean, like, shellfish, I'm thinking, I guess. The smell. It's pungent. You think it's too spongy for pussy? Too pungent for pussy. My rap album. What? Too pungent?

That's Eldest's dick. He takes it out. I'm like, whoa, what the fuck is that? Just a wave hits you. Sometimes if you wear those like fucking spandex style athletic underwear and you get a real good workout in, when you take those bad boys off, good God, you're like, God damn, my penis smells horrible. You get hit with that wave. Yeah, you kind of do the finger on the ball and then you go, what did I do?

The finger on the ball smell test. Absolutely. It's not good. It's no good, pal. Yes. But yeah, I had a lot of success with shrimp. One of my go-tos during the pandemic was a girl comes over when everybody's ready to fuck. After everybody was like, all right, we've done four or five months in our homes, we're

We all have to fuck. Right? We were like... When everybody decided like... I love my grandma but not this much. Not six months of no pussy. You know what I mean? When everybody was like... Bars and shit weren't open. So everybody just... You would either like go to a park, drink outside, stoop hang, whatever...

I would just invite girls over, got the balcony. I would grill something up. The balcony is clutch. Very nice. It was very nice. And I would honestly, seafood was a big, I would grill some shrimp, make a Greek salad. Maybe I'm wrong on this one. Sushi is obviously like a good date. Problem is you don't know what you're paying. You go to some of these Omicron places. Yeah. They throw a $600 bill on you and you're like, well now at least I know I'm getting laid. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you owe me. Yeah. Jesus. You're like, I show it to her. I go, look at that.

Look at that shit right there. Yeah, you're like, wow, $623. Well, worth the price for such great company. And then you tip $10.

Fuck. But yeah, dude, I, no, I, you know, the meal is very important, but... No, steak is a dick killer for sure. Steak's a dick killer. It's also, you feel dumber. Like, I remember Jay, you just did Pittsburgh Improv. I did it with J.P. McDade and...

uh, and James Webb, my buddy. Uh, and we, the only thing open downtown in Pittsburgh was what's that Brazilian steakhouse. Yeah. It was the only, it was the only option. So I was like, how do you feel about unlimited steak? Yeah. We all felt dumber. Of course. It slows you down. Oh. And it's just that, that the fat seeps into your body and you're just moving slower. It is really bad to fucking try and to try and get your dick hard after a lot of red meat. Um,

But that's, you know, that's why I think that's like later on in a relationship where it's like you fuck before. There's nothing nicer than when you're finally at a point in a relationship where it's like,

let's just fuck before the dinner. Let's know what's happening. You know what I mean? We don't have to fucking, you know. The pressure to have to get hard after like a Manetta burger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, also on top of that, like, I love the point of the relationship where you're like, let's finish the series instead of fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, let's see what happens in episode six. Yeah.

I just watched his show Blackbird with this girl. It's pretty good. It's like a Dennis Lehane thing. It's on Apple. Okay. Pull up the dude. He looks like a jacked French steward. I love that. Remember French steward from Third Rock and His Son? Look up Blackbird. Terrence Edgerton, I think his name is. Oh, yeah, yeah. Terrence Edgerton. He was in the... What's that shitty... It was The Kingsman. He was great in that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like jacked fucking...

No, he played Elton John. I like that guy. Oh, shit. I didn't realize that. Maybe it's a different dude. Is that the same dude I'm thinking of? Taron Egerton? Might be a different... Look at Black... Oh, that's him there, right? Yeah, it was him. Oh, yeah, yeah. With the hair. The hair. Yeah. Yeah, look at him in the orange. Oh, yeah, yeah. Jack French Stewart. He's got a little French Stewart going on there. It's... See, I've never gotten to the point in the relationship where we don't... Where we fit... Where... Like, I guess... And that's not because... You know, we always fuck. And I don't think that's anything...

That's not saying what a sexual beast I am. That just means I've never gotten into the actual serious part of a relationship. You know what I mean? I've never gotten to... You're dabbling. I've dabbled. My longest relationship was a couple years, and even then it was on again, off again. But it gives you energy, the off again. It does. Because then you come back in with a boom. You come back together strong. That makeup sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck it, dude. But it will never work because there's so many just...

You will never recover from the sins of the beginning. When you treated her like a different... You're like, oh yeah, I guess I'll get head from her and then I'll never see her again. And then you're like, oh, I guess this is going to keep happening. And then you just can't ever... It's so hard. Patrice had that great...

Patrice is hilarious. Not the guy you want to consult when it comes to misogyny and healthy relationships with women. But he was like, yeah, you start in an entry-level position. You get to 2 a.m. on a Tuesday shift, and then you work your way up. That's how he thought relationships should work. In my experience, it's very hard. People remember how you treated them on that 2 a.m. Tuesday shift. You've got to be good to the late-night shift, too.

You gotta be good. Yeah, you can't be Bezos. They gotta have bathroom breaks. You bring in some pizza for the break room every once in a while. No question. You know what I mean? No, late night food. But then the late night food is dangerous too because you order food and then, as you said, sex is sometimes off the table. Yeah. Do the late night pizza. Well, that's why...

Yeah, it's nice to get it. I have had it... When I was really in the zone, when I was really in the pussy-getting zone, when I'm just like, feel like fucking... I'm just like Dr... What's his name? Dr. X from the X-Men? Professor X. Professor X, where I'm just like, you know, I'm just like levitating. I'm using all my powers. It's like I'm getting pussy and it's like...

I literally will put in a fucking seamless order, like right before I'm about to start getting pussy. Wow. And then it's like, it comes in a nice 40 minutes. And that's the one good thing about COVID. They don't knock on the door and interrupt. Just leave it. You used to have to tuck your dick in your underwear and kind of hide and lean and make weird eye contact. But due to COVID, they just leave it at the door. I haven't. You get it when you get it. I've had to do the tuck for sure. Look, it's exciting. You know, the food's coming, but it's annoying. That is nice though, to know you have to fuck with the clock. Yeah.

The clock in your head. Two minute warning. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, I have had the exes reach back. You know it's doomed. I had a girl from high school that I used to date recently hit me up. And it's like, dude, this didn't work when we had no problems. You think this is going to work now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got real shit now to deal with. Yeah, algebra homework was the biggest external thing keeping us apart. That you were in advanced calculus and I was in the dumb fucking classes. That was our biggest problem back then.

Yeah, well, but I do think there's something exciting about that, though. Especially... Because it's not going to work, right? See, that's your issue. This is where we're different. I hear that, I'm like, some fucking pussy for old time's sake? Hell yeah. You know what I mean? Let's run it back. Let's run it the fuck back. Like, the way you would like... Yeah, it's just...

It's the way you go shoot hoops at your fucking middle school. You're not going to try and make the middle school basketball team, but you're reliving the glory. It's an alumni game. Yeah, it's an alumni game. You want to show them you can still hit a mid-range jumper. Yeah. Treat it like an alumni game, not like you're going to get a job at the fucking high school. That's true. Because there is some... Like, I have this issue where I just, like, it takes me so long to feel a connection to somebody and to, like, actually... So it's like there's a handful of girls that it's like... And I'm friends with some of them, and it's like...

I'm so happy to just be friends with him. But,

I will just admit there is a part of me that will never not want to fuck them. You know what I mean? And it's been a while. And you have hooked up with them, but now you're just friends, you mean? Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's tough. People I've dated and it's like... It's like you were paid to be at the company and then they were like, do you want to just stay on and work here for free? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I could. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not as cool. I just... And even just like... I don't know. I just like... And even if I really fully enjoy the friendship and all that stuff, I just can't shake that part of me that's just like...

I remember that it was cool to fuck you. And we both seemed to get along. Why don't we fuck again? This is modern day when Harry met Sally, by the way. Interesting. This is kind of like the new... Because they fucked once, but this is like the fuck buddy version of it. You're right. And I have that issue where I'm just like, I can't see past just right now. Where I'm like, we get along. Fuck. We both have been attracted to each other. You know what I mean? Like...

it's like why don't we just fuck again and the answer is because we've already done this and we know it doesn't work and i'm not looking to just fuck somebody but i'm like come on let me get a little pussy we're having a good time you big come on what the give your pussy your old pal stop a little pussy but then the tough thing is every once in a while you do catch feelings in one of those things it's

positive when you do it too often well I think that's what it is is that like I know that I'm not catching feelings and it almost feels like a little bonus like a fun little bonus like I think relationships work the way like like sometimes it's fun to go back to the like this first level if you're playing Zelda you go back with the sick bow and arrow and just fuck everything up so easy and it's just like fun for old times you're like oh I'm the new I got all these new weapons you know everything is

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I wonder how this changed. You know what I mean? It's like, but that's not how reality works, obviously. For some people, it does. Some people are like, I have friends who just like, they fuck their exes whenever they're, they both are on the same page. They're like, yeah, this isn't going to work, so why don't we, I kind of almost feel like you should be able to be grandfathered in to getting sucked off. And that's just not how it works. But that's how my dumb brain works. You know what I mean? Where I'm like, why not? You know? I know what you mean. I don't know. It is also like,

Look, some of the women, like, if I hook up with someone in their mid-20s, I'm like, I'm too old for this shit. But unfortunately, these are the women who are impressed with my life. Yeah, absolutely. Women who... I prefer age-appropriate women. But age-appropriate women are like, you're just gone all the time. Younger women are like, oh, cool, you travel. You do... Like, you're on the road. You have a cool life. Oh, you're on tour? That's awesome. Oh, cool tour. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, it's going to be 14 days on a bus with two of my friends next year. None of us are going to shower. But, you know, it's like they don't think...

It's different. You know, you just don't. Which, by the way, I do. This is absolute. First of all, yeah, absolutely. But I also think like nice try being like you're like, I prefer age appropriate women like you're some saint. You have a fucked up like mommy fetish. Let's go there. So don't like you happen to have you happen to have the thing that makes you not. My browser history has nothing to do with this.

Shame on you for bringing that into it. You're like, I'm not like one of these pigs that fucks young women. I like a mature woman. It's like, no, that's how you're fucked up. I will... 100%. You know what I mean? I am a demon. You like some old bitches. Old women. They're lovely. I'll accept bags. No. No.

No, older women for sure. No, you know, here's the thing. There's less drama, though. They know who they are. Young women do... There's a lot of nagging. There's a lot of games, I think. No, no. I fully agree with you. And I guess I don't... They're more secure in their body. I think a lot of younger women, because we're comics, will do the whole, like, just shitting on us all night thing. And have to be like, hey, you know, I don't really respond to that. Yeah, okay, okay. That's true. That's true. But you do like it when women don't respect you fundamentally. Yeah.

You just don't like it superficially. I like it to be subtle. You like it to be subtle. I mean, look, I want them to not respect me. But I want it to be below the surface. I don't want to see it out in the open. So it's not really a negging thing. It's like a quality of negging thing. You want a woman to be good at negging you.

Not like the surface level young... It's a maturity thing. Well, some women will just call it banter. And I'm like, you just call me a loser. This isn't banter. This ain't Annie Hall. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. No, I see what you're saying. That happens sometimes where a girl, especially if they just see you as the comic and not as a human being, they're like, this will be fun. I'll shit on him and then we'll fuck and it'll be cool. But it's like...

I hate that too. Oh, well, they think the show just goes all night. Exactly. And you're like, no, no, no, I'm a dude now. It's like, yeah, you don't get to just have the show for eight hours. You know what I mean? Like they want to just drink and you're that. It's like, no, this is the most entertaining I can be for the whole day. I've put it all into one hour. Oh, when they say offstage, you're like, you're not that funny offstage. I'm like, we've been talking for three seconds. Yeah.

I literally said, hi, I'm Sam. And you're like, wow, I thought you'd be like funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, I asked you how you're doing. Yeah. Sorry I didn't fucking put a killer act out at the tip of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. That is fucking annoying. But I don't, I go for, see, I don't like the subtle negative. I don't like it. I'm a real like. No, I was kidding. I obviously don't like, in an actual relationship, I don't like that. But unfortunately, that is probably stuff. You're attracted to stuff. I'm attracted to shit. But maybe that's stuff that like I know it won't go anywhere. Yeah.

And I know that there's an expiration date on what that could be. Oh, so you're like... So I think on some level, I'm attracted to something short-term. I see. You're like... It's almost like a built-in...

self-destruct button where you're like, I know this will eventually get to me so much that even if I wanted to... I hit the ejector. I just fly out like an Austin Powers. One too many nags and you're like, that's not interesting, interesting. No, for sure. It's a... No, in an actual relationship I don't like it but I also am like not ready for a real relationship. Yeah. I was in one for a while. Sure. You know, it's tough. You know, it's tough when...

When it just doesn't work to kind of go all in like that. You know how it goes. Our lives, we're gone so much. It's brutal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then some of those first dates can be rough. I know. I'm in the same place. What I like in a relationship is I like the...

I don't want any strife or discord whatsoever. I want to be... It's so funny because having this conversation is so clear that we're just completely... Like, this is the most Freudian shit of all time. Where it's like, you want a woman to kind of take you to task a little bit, to keep you honest, which...

From everything you've told me is exactly like how your mom behaves. And I want to be treated like a fat little prince. Which is exactly... She's feeding you grapes. Dude, literally. My mom was like fucking... I was like her special little guy. I was like... She always... And that's what...

Honestly, that is, those are the relationships that work. When a girl just like completely, completely dotes on me and I don't, and I never, I can't do anything wrong. And that's an issue too, right? Because it's like, no one is capable of, no one should treat you that way and no one is capable of treating you that way. But it's like, I don't know. That's my shit. Because it's like, even if somebody does that short term, it's like,

they probably shouldn't. And then it's like, I don't know. I still have to figure that shit out. We were all dating a version of our mother. And like that, when you say that shit in New York city, everyone's like, yeah, but if you say to Missouri, they're like, fuck you weirdo. People, if you're in therapy, you know it. I mean, I used to do a bit about how like, you know, like every woman I date is just my mom. And my mom's always like, I don't like her. And I'm like, she's you. That's why you don't like her. And my dad would always go, I think she's great.

You know? But that's really the truth. You're dating a version of your mom. I think about my mom, like, loves me. My mom is a very great mom. But at the same time, like, anytime I do something, like, uncivilized on social media, she's like, that tweet, you know, was very unclassy. It wasn't meant for you, mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not playing to mom on Twitter. I know, I know. You know, it's a different thing.

She wishes I was like a New Yorker humorist. Right, right, right. And not a stand-up road dog. Right, right, right. She wished you were doing like jokes about the January 6th hearings. You know, just like the most unfunny bullshit. She wished you had much more Ukraine, you know, stand with Ukraine humor. That's her stuff, I think. Yeah, that is very interesting. We're all dating a version of a parent.

Like that's, look, women are doing it like, you know. Yeah. I've seen some of the dads of women I've dated. Oh, yeah. I'm like, there's a reason you picked me. Oh, dude. Whenever I see, Father's Day is the best. I see a fat father, I'm like, noted? Yeah.

noted noted whenever when they post a picture it's like it's literally any any woman who's had like a like a fat dad or like an ex had like a a crush on a fat boy in like first grade that was so like a formative crush that she still remembers and I was like shout out to that kid because he he laid the fucking foundation for me you just go on a date with a girl and you're like is your dad by any chance Dennis Franz yeah

I'm about to NYPD blow your back out. No, but it's so true. When you meet the parents, it reveals a lot. That's why it's a big deal to meet the parents. We're always like, oh, fuck. Well, look, it's obviously a big deal because you're serious. It's obviously a big deal because you're brave, but it's also a big deal because you're like,

here's my shit. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? Totally, totally. That's also another weird one is like, and this is totally, this is surface level, but it's really funny to meet a parent and then just realize like your girlfriend is just the guy, looks exactly like her dad. Yeah.

that's a weird one because you're like I'm just fucking this man with a mustache this man's face is just like on a hot girl's body but this is who I've been in love with there's a guy out there doing the crossword puzzle with the same lips that I nut on sometimes that one always throws me off you just ruined every dinner for the rest of it I'm gonna meet my next girlfriend's dad and be like he's got nice lips good lips

We're going to have a horrible dinner. It's fucking great. Yeah. I don't know. I've only met two...

two sets of parents in my day. How many have you made it to? I've made it to a few. I remember I dated one in college and she was, both her parents were psychiatrists. Holy shit. I know. Oh my God. They sized me up. This was, you went to Tulane? I went to Tulane for a year and a half and then Katrina. Katrina hit when I was a freshman so I missed the first half. Oh wow. I know. Tough timing. Yeah. To Katrina. And then I went back but then I ended up finishing in New York but she ended up

Both her parents were shrinks. It was always like, by the way, I didn't met my biological father at this point yet. So every fight she'd be like, who are you really yelling at? That's like psychiatry bullshit. And I'd be like, you, you is who I'm yelling at. But at the time I was like, I guess it's me. I'm fucked up. I don't know. But we'd have dinner and they would really be like analyzing me. Not even on purpose. It's just like, how do you shut that shit off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the way we slip into jokes without really meaning to. It's like they, you know. They weren't bad people. It was just like, you know, it was just a weird thing.

Yeah. Set up. But yeah, I met her parents. There was another one. That's fucking crazy though. You don't want to hear that from a 22 year old. Well, that's who's telling it. Yeah. Those are the ones who think they have the fucking world figured out. Then you realize you're an idiot like late 20s. Of course. And then you become more bearable, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, oh my God, college people think they fucking have the world by the balls. Yeah, absolutely. But,

I mean, ignorance is bliss. It's your youth. You're powerful. Your body works. Absolutely. But it is just really... Because it's also like her parents were psychiatrists. She thinks she knows what the fuck she's talking about. Yeah. And it's fucking... That is annoying. It was annoying. Another one, parents were... Well, her mom, she lives in Michigan. So whenever I play like Royal Oak or something, she'll come to the show. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, she's really cool. I'm on good terms with most parents and exes and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. No, that's good. How about you? I'm sure you never... Not really. Because it's like the one is a college girlfriend who I like and it's like, but it's just like a, you know... Is this the one I knew of? No, no, no. I never met her parents. And then my most recent ex, I met her parents briefly. Not, you know, I met them once. And then it's funny because it's like we took a lot of like steps to be like, you know what?

Yeah, this is serious. We've done it and then we just broke up. Like, met each other's parents, went on a fucking long vacation, then we're like...

Nah. It's like we could have saved. Like I have to lie to my mom for a couple months now just to soften the blow. You know what I mean? It's like why the fuck couldn't we have just broken up before all this shit? It would have made things so much fucking easier. It is tough when you have to like kind of soften it for you. It's because the parents never get the full truth. Oh, no. And my mom has loved every woman I've dated more than me every time. Not more, but like has been so supportive. Because my mom wants me to fucking get married so bad.

Really? It's like that immigrant shit of just wants me to settle down with a good... And like, I'll never... My mom meets the best ones. My mom doesn't meet...

some of these who-ers. You know what I mean? Like, some of these train wrecks. Oh, yeah. Or someone who's like, why don't you bring more women home? I'm protecting you. All right? You don't want to meet these bitches, ma. You know, my mom is a little judgmental. There's a little bit of judgment for sure. She'll accept them, but there's a tough, I mean, it's definitely America got talent vibe. She's like, what do you got? Let's see. You know? Yeah.

It's not easy. That's brutal. Because you're a New York kid, and your mom's from Manhattan, too? No, she's from Long Island. Oh, she's from Long Island. My dad's from Boston. Your dad's from Boston. Okay, cool. But you grew up in Manhattan, and your mom's an artist, right? She's an artist. So we're talking like Manhattan artists. Yeah, very educated, very smart, well-read. No, that's tough. Yeah, I mean, she's got a boss. A classic coastal elite. Yeah.

You know what I mean? No doubt. And that's a tough... A great person, but also... Totally, totally. But there is that... New Yorkers, we have a little snobbery. A snobbery for sure. All of us. Well, that's like... Me and Eldis come from this fucking poor-ass Eastern European immigrant shit where it's like our moms would just fucking... Anybody you'd bring in, just feed you. You know what I mean? That's the world me and all my friends come from is the super blue collar... Where it's like my mom is easy...

Like...

You have to fuck up for my mom to not like you. I don't know. You know what I mean? I'm not saying my mom doesn't like them, but it's just... It's a difficult... I think it takes a minute. For sure. And look, I rebel against that elitism for sure. I'm obsessed with the road. I'm obsessed with connecting. I'm obsessed with... Oh, that's really interesting. Growing up in fucking... Growing up on the Upper East Side, right? And you spend your... You spend all your weekends in the shittiest parts... I love it. I love it. In Courtyard Marriott's and fucking...

Fort Wayne, Indiana. Ooh, we fucking hit on something here. This is Stavi's therapy. Dr. Stav, dude. Stavi's world. Dr. Stav is good, man. He's the same therapist, too. I'm just going to have to send him this app because I haven't seen him in a couple weeks and be like, give me back some notes. Yeah, give us some feedback. Elders, how many fucking, how many parents have you met, my friend? I have met...

I think three parents. Three? Look at you. Holy shit. Yeah. I've been in like three, you know, longer relationships. Yeah. And they all seem to, one of them didn't seem to like me that much.

But they were kind of elites. They were like very blue blood. I think I could just sniff out like poor upbringing or something. Yeah, dude, they knew you were fucking Euro trash. They knew your grandma used to, her bedroom was your living room. Yeah, totally.

But overall, I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good with the parents. Most parents, I think, they see if you're making their kid happy. They want to like you, I would think. Dude, Al, you want elders because it's like he's not, this guy's not a piece of shit. You know what I mean? This guy's a fuck. This guy, a strong woman can walk all over elders. And that's what you want. You know what I mean? The parents that didn't like me, the relationship was like that where she was just walking all over me and passing me constantly.

Hell yeah. And when I met their parents, that's exactly what the parents' dynamic was too. You can tell. They're like, this guy's fucking shoplifting. Let's get him. The dad was like some CEO at like some pharma company. Just like whatever my wife wants. Yeah. And,

He's walking all over the country. Of course he's going to walk all over you. Opiates for everyone. Yeah, and the mom was just like, you know, she was really wearing the pants there. Just some uptight rich bitch. Yeah. Just telling her fucking rich husband to do whatever the fuck she wanted. And you could tell by the suit that it was like, you know,

My daughter should really marry, like, a doctor or something. Or date a doctor or something. Yeah, you're like, I'm an aspiring podcast producer. My dumbass friend might accidentally get successful, lady. And then you'll be eating crow. I'll tell you the one thing that's hard is, like, I think some parents, they're like, you're a road comic? Yeah, absolutely. My daughter's with a fucking road comic? Well, it's true because we get to live in this bubble where it's like...

that we do... Like, stand-up's our lives, right? And we're doing pretty good for stand-up, right? Like, we... But we... You zoom out and then a lot of people you meet on the road, they're impressed by it, whatever. But then you remember where stand-up is...

First of all, where entertainment is for most people, right? Unless you're fucking super famous, it's like kind of a pathetic thing to do. And then you think about where stand-up is in the hierarchy of entertainment. And it's like for people that have like... Stormy Daniels gave it a shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we're not high up. It's the art form that if you get disgraced, that's the one you do. Yeah.

You get caught, you get me too'd, you hit up fucking Tampa side splitters and you book a fucking weekend. And that's like what we've been trying to do our whole lives. Our goal is their fucking fall down. Yeah, our goal is screeched from Saved by the Bell needing to pay some paternity bills. Jeremy Piven gets caught f***ing. That's what he does is our dream.

So, yeah, that makes sense. Especially if you're in that upper echelon of people that, frankly, I didn't fucking... I never had any kind of... It is funny to meet super rich people who came from that shit because it's like that world is so far and to date anyone, not that I have dated anyone at that level, but just to even brush shoulders with it, I'm like, how would I even fucking... How would I like...

Like, these parents... These are not the people that fuck with me. You know what I mean? I don't know. A lot of those people are self-made, though. The parents... The self-made ones. I guess that's true. I think there's a lot of people who would respect what an entrepreneur you are. I think there's... Look...

there's harder shit to accept as parents right now than a daughter dating a podcast. You know, like, I think about that all the time. There's tough shit out there with parents dealing with their kids. But think about our shit where it's like, the like, you know, the most important pieces of art we've made. It's like, sometimes I think about like,

What if I have kids? And it's just like... And then I think about my mom. My mom watching and being proud of my special, right? Which I'm proud of, all this shit. Your special was great. Thank you, bro. But it's like, the special was, you know, okay, we do some topical stuff. We do some fat jokes. But then it's like, hey, my family's all fucked up. You know what I mean? Everyone's a piece of shit in my family. And then there's a sex story. And then it's like, oh, I couldn't get hard during a threesome with two random whores. And then it's like...

And then, you know, it's just like... And then it's just all this... Well, you don't let your kid wash your shit for a while. But I guess with the internet now, how do you even do that? And then it's like... And then I think about all the backlog. Like, how many hours we've just been talking. I know. It's like if somebody wanted to...

have a grudge, it would be very easy. Yeah, all you need is, as Colin Quinn said, if you want to cancel us, all you need is Wi-Fi. Like, it's easy. But I mean, yeah, no, it's tough to discipline kids. I remember in George Carlin's book, he was saying like, how the hell could I tell my daughter not to do drugs when I was doing drugs?

drugs yeah yeah it's tough so it's like I guess I would think you know if I'm ever a parent I'll say you can curse but use them wisely yeah don't just throw a fuck out anywhere sure make it count make the fucks count you know yeah yeah yeah and then every once in a while you're like maybe I'll do like a weird like late night set type thing just to like stay in the not only YouTube world because it's so easy to say I mean you put out a special you do stuff that's not just this because man we're freestyling so much I know

And sometimes you're freestyling these weird... You'll go on these shows and they're like, all right, riff on Prince Andrew. And you're like, how could this go wrong? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's just shit like that where you're like, all right, let's see. But I think, you know, you try to be a decent person and all the other stuff. Like, that's the problem. A lot of people are just, like, offended by, you know...

and I don't think there's any malicious intent behind that shit. For sure, yeah. I think most of the stuff out there is pretty harmless that you have out there. Yeah, I think that's true. It's just funny to think about, like, my mom. It's like somebody, your parents are supposed to be proud of, like, I made partner, you know what I mean? And it's like, well, I couldn't get, I took all these illegal dick pills, but I got a really good story out of it. Hey, that's a write-off. Those pills are a write-off, my friend. Yeah.

Your accountant's on the phone. He's like, are these the dick pills that you use for that closer in your story? And you're like, they sure are. Those are the ones. Write them off. No, I'm in the same boat, man. My brother and sister are lawyers and, you know, I'm a fucking... See, but that's what's funny is I'm like, well, not the most successful, but like, I, in my family, I was like the firstborn. I was the smart one. I was the one. And it's like,

But it's like for you, it is funny to like we both end up kind of in a similar position but from completely different angles because it's like, yeah, you are, you know, probably the fuck up of your family when it's like... I'm probably? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm hungover right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you kidding me? You're the fuck up everyone else's like, you know, powerful New York attorneys and shit like that. Yeah. Which must have been, were they always like growing up, were you the dumb one or were you like? I mean, it's insane. Yeah. It's like, I mean, Tommy boy to the max. Yeah. It's like, literally like they're all Brian Dennehy and I'm just like, you know, doing this. No, I'm, uh,

No, it's tough. My sister went to Harvard Law. Hilarious. My brother went to Columbia Law. And then there's me. I'm like, I got an open mic at Maui Taco. No, it was interesting. But I think you work hard. There's some stuff you get from that. My dad's a workaholic. He never takes...

a second off to this day he won't take a second off and I'm like here it is I mean that's me my mom is an artist and my dad's a workaholic I mean that's you know I'm an entertainer but I never take time off because I saw how my dad was and that's like you know what I think you do I guess or what I thought you were supposed to do and then you know

Oh, absolutely the dumbest in my family to this day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I mean... Did you ever have like a big... Would you ever... What was the... Do you remember any like embarrassing shit that your family like was just like... Shit that was just like, come on, man. Why did you have to do that? Or like any time they were just like very disappointed in you? Do you remember that? Yeah, I remember the worst one. My sister was graduating from college and there was like an all-you-can-drink...

bar and I was in seventh grade and it was me and all the like the younger siblings were there at the bar and I was the bad kid so I was like I bet I can drink more wine than any of you pussies we're in seventh grade I won the contest but I literally I didn't realize how drunk I was so I stood up yeah I was like and I fell over my dad literally watched me fall just face plant and

It was supposed to be a nice moment for my sister. Of course. I ruined all the graduation photos because I puked so much that all the blood vessels in my face popped. So I remember my mom going, this is how my mom would do it. There are some nights that we're proud of you. Tonight wasn't one of them. I was like, ah, mom.

Hilarious, dude. You just got fucking wine mouth. I was wrecked. Purple ass teeth. I was mixing in beers, too. I mean, we just got wrecked. But that's why I was puking so much. 12 years old. I was fucking wrecked. Yeah, no, there was a lot of stuff like that. You know, my brother drinks. I mean, my brother and I are like, we're pretty close. Yeah. I mean, we're going to the Knicks game tomorrow. And like, well, he'll put him back. But it's a, you know.

Yeah. He also runs like every morning. He's very disciplined. But it is funny because like you grew up in New York and I'm a, I would, it's funny, you've never done cocaine, which I would just assume. Isn't that crazy? Growing up in Manhattan. I knew a kid who killed himself on it. That's what happened. I had two things with coke. I had a coach in high school who was like, if you ever do it, I'll fucking kill you.

Because he was like a good guy. Right. And he's an older guy. And then... Fucking buzzkill. A buzzkill, dude. He would just hand me pamphlets about like Daryl Johnston or fucking Glenn Bias. Just players who OD'd. He's like, this could be you. I'm like, I could be fucking good at sports. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then, no, there's a kid who fucking just did a ton of blow and jumped out of like a 30-story window. Jesus Christ. Splat.

And I was like, not touching that one. Damn. But you would just get drunk? You're not a big weed guy. Were you in high school? I was then, and then it just started hitting me weird. Like, I started having bad highs where I'd be like, the voice in my head was too real. The voice in my head would be like, I'd be watching like a Chappelle special and they'd be like, you can't do this. Cool.

quit. You think you're fucking as funny as Dave Chappelle? I'd be like, I never said that. I just want a career in that voice. But you can't. Like, why do it if you're not going to be that funny? I would have those thoughts and I'd be like, I got... Like, the weed would...

I wouldn't say it was just anxiety. It was doubt. It was paranoia and doubt where I'd be like, I'm shit. Of course. Are you an edible guy? I am an edible guy. I mean, I've been completely sober for, I don't know, four or five months now because the last tour I did, I got so fucked up all the time. You rode hard.

I did, yeah. And so I was just like, this go-around, I can't do that. So I was like, I'll be sober. I'll try and eat as clean as possible. It'll stop me from the random hookups when you're drunk. You'll just become more...

And I have been overall much more responsible on this tour. It's still not great because the one thing I have is if I'm not just hooking up, I will break my diet a little bit to eat shit on the road. What's your guilty... that you can't resist on the road? Is there anything? There's nothing specific. It's just like... I mean, the...

just like a nice, what I've been resisting actually is like a nice pint of ice cream to end the night. When you do that three in a row, you know what I mean? You do three in one night? No, no, but I mean like every night. Yeah. You can't do that shit. What's your flavors? I love, I mean, I'll fucking go around whatever. I'll just, I like to inspect the Ben and Jerry's. Ben and Jerry's is so close. I'm a chubby hubby guy. That's great.

You know, I like the elements in there. They have a new one, Netflix and Chilled, that is essentially chubby hubby in more digestible bites. My one beef with chubby hubby, sometimes the pretzels are a little too big. I love pretzels. Salty and sweet together. Salty, sweet, dude. Pretzel, all that shit is great. I mean, a nice wing, a nice wing and fries, like just some barf, because it just reminds me of just...

When the road is new and it's fun and you get free bar food, you get free drinks. Wings are tough to turn down. Wings and fries. And then you have a couple beers and then you go to the hotel, eat some fucking... I did beer and pizza last night. It was so good. Yeah. No, it's the best. I mean, New York pizza, dude. I mean, I don't even think we have the best pizza, but we just have the most consistent pizza. Yeah, you know what you're getting for sure. You're not going to get fucked over for the most part. Yeah. But...

And that's the thing. It's like if you're... So anyway, so I've been sober and it's just like... I would get a little fucked up when I was younger. On the road? Yeah.

On the road, yeah, for sure. I mean, it was just fun to do that when it's all new, when it's all fresh and new. Drinking on the road is... It's very hard not to drink on the road. Literally, I'm drinking with my agent, Gab, one night, and we're just drinking natural wine. And she's like, you like this stuff? And I was like, yeah, it's good. And she's like, we should get in your rider. So now every club I go to, they're like, here's your natural wine. I'm like, I didn't... I'm sorry. So if I'm feeling like shit and for some reason I don't drink it, they're just like...

well, I guess we'll just keep your wine in the fridge for the next person. So if you follow me at a comedy club, Mateo Lane's been texting me. He goes, I've been circling you at comedy clubs. And thank God there's always Pepto Bismol in the green room.

Because my rider says you got to have the anti-diarrheal. Of course, dude. That road poopsies, man. Yeah. No, I mean, I'm trying to get my shit clean on the road. But yeah, especially when I would go with Bobby and it would be like... Oh, you and Bobby is a disaster. The meals were awesome. And Bobby was a reformed pussy getter. He was all in the food. So he was all in the food. And he would understand if I had to go get pussy. I've had some strange...

I had some hilarious weird hookups when I was, you know, with Bobby. Made out with, I was kind of in Sam territory. I made out with an old ass lady in Tampa one time. Respect. Yeah. Rachel gave me shit once because my phone vibrated and it just said older woman Tampa. I was like, Tampa, man. That's what happens.

Okay, what is the oldest woman you've hooked up with? Jeez. How much older? And you must have when you were young too, right? Yeah. When you were young, that must have been a real thrill for you. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I remember... This is... It was a weird one. Here we go, man. I mean, probably like early 50s, I would say. Sure. It's not crazy. Yeah. But I think... I remember when I was like really young, my friend Dennis, he's like a good friend. Maybe you'll listen to this. And his dad was also named Dennis. And his dad was...

rest in peace a great guy I have to preface this story I loved his dad he was super funny he was like literally we'd have to like pick him up from the black bar he was like the one white Greek in the black bar we'd have to carry him out he was so funny and uh

I remember he'd take us to bars. We were kids. He'd just kind of get us in there. How old were you, like 14, 15? 1920 or something. Oh, okay, okay, okay. But I mean like, wait a second. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, I remember we go to a bar with him and he literally just walks up to a woman and goes, lady, what I wouldn't give to fuck you up the ass. And we're like, Jesus Christ, what the hell? What the hell is wrong with you?

And Dennis also was like, what the fuck, Dad? Great pickup line. And then the woman was like, how dare you? And I was like, I am so sorry. That's so unacceptable. And she goes, finally, a gentleman. Then she grabs me and makes out with me. And I was like, you gotta give me a wink. I'm like, he knew what he was doing. He just jumped on a grenade for us. It's like the ultimate wingman. That's awesome. He was hilarious. He was completely inappropriate. Lady, what I wouldn't do. I'm like, you want me to ask?

That's good. That's good. He was a classic. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, I have one friend, Adam, who always messages me, and he's like a degenerate. He was a chess prodigy. He was number two in the country. He's a genius. He became a total drug addict and started...

And those guys are so in their head. He started just hustling dudes in Washington Square Park and winning money. Holy shit. You know? So then he became a legitimate degenerate. The type of gambler that bets on WNBA games. Right, right, right. Where you're like, dude, this is... You fucking bet on the mystic. This is the problem. The sun. The sun completely fucked me. The suns? No, the Connecticut sun. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But he'll just message me like, dude, I just fucking I just lost seven grand in Atlantic City and woke up with a crack pipe and a hooker. And I'm like, dude, what the fuck? And he goes, well, I'm being self deprecating. I'm like, that's not self deprecating. That's a desperate plea for help. Yeah, there was a difference. I guess I've gained a few. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, it's a did Dennis ever hook you up with an old lady?

He just kind of set it up for you. No, he was like the setup man. No, Dennis was also like a hilarious... Phil Hanley's met him before. Phil's like spent the night with Phil's like, this dude is insane. That's awesome. Like, lives up to that. He'll be at my shows and I'm doing Stress Factory in a couple weeks and he'll be there. Love it, love it. He's like, I just met your future wife. I'm bringing her to your show at Stress Factory. I'm like...

Just sleep with her, dude. I'll get you the tickets. Just do whatever you want. Well, listen, you did dodge my question, though, the oldest lady. I would say probably early. It might have been that woman. Oh, you did fuck her? I think she was early 50s. I think it was. I think it was John O'Reilly.

You got blown by it thanks to Dennis Senior. Yeah, yeah. Respect. But I'm trying to think of like who, yeah, I would probably say early 50s. I don't usually go like that old. It's usually like late 40s, early. Was it like, was it a, you know, memorable one? Was there one that broke you into the older, late, like how did you discover this about, or was it just beating off? You're like, this is what I like. I think a lot of young guys are into like the MILF thing. I think it's gotta be, I don't know what the numbers are for like, you know, porn searches, but I would think like MILF has gotta be

Yeah, because MILF is just big old titties. It's just hot, older woman. It's someone who's kept it together who's older, I think, is hot. It feels like it's going to be less drama. They seem kind of like more... They know who they are. I'm just kind of into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then just physically, I was kind of into it. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. There was no one that set you on the path, though. Yeah, there was one. I was on a flight to Reno, Nevada. And... Oof, this is...

Hit me with it, baby. I was going to Reno, Nevada. And you're what? This is, you're doing road work or what? Yeah, I was like 23 or 24. Yeah, because you were, you'd worked the road really young. I was a young road comic. Yeah. And yeah, I was like on the, I was on a flight sitting next to this woman. She's super hot. Hell yeah. Probably like mid 40s. I was probably 23 or 24 and a giant fake breast. Oh. And I'm like, Reno, this is what we came for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, uh,

I remember we just like started chatting on the flight. What are you doing? I was like, you know, young, like I'm a comedian. Of course you're pumped to tell anyone. So I'm like, you know, she's a hot woman. I think she's going to want to come to my show. She's like, we should get lunch tomorrow. And I was like, so she's like literally at, I think it was the silver legacy casino. Yeah. Which is where they shot the end of Kingpin. That's like where he, where he loses to Bill Murray.

That's awesome. And I caught some elves in that casino too. But yeah, I remember. And then we just got lunch and she was like, oh, we should just like hang out. She said, maybe we can go to your room and watch standup. And I was like, okay. Yeah. Just a day hookup. Wow.

Oh, that's awesome. And we hooked up and then she was like, all right. And she kind of just like left and was like, that was amazing. Like everything about that was amazing. It was just like the spontaneous factor. Of course, the spontaneity. Right off the flight you get to lunch and then you get sucked off? I think we did, might have been, no, we had sex. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember, and then I remember she just kind of left so there was something like mysterious about it. There was no like weird, awkward, lingering. Yeah. So it was weird and it was just, I never saw her again. She was...

she had like a crazy story too where she just had beaten cancer or something and she treated herself as a little young dick yeah she was divorced she was divorced and uh good for her Reno Nevada dude yeah the silver legacy I remember hey all you can eat buffet crab legs on Fridays that

that weekend twice kill me i remember my opening joke was man uh everyone to see fake tits and oxygen tank on the same person i think i picked the right place this is uh what a dump respect i remember that weekend people were coming in and like it's like those uh blue-haired meth addicts oh they made you do morning radio for that gig and they didn't pick you up you just like find the place i know they picked you up but they didn't they didn't get you afterwards so i was like i just have to find my way back

And by the way, a fucking 6 a.m. pickup in downtown Reno. Holy shit. You're just dodging meth. Yeah. Zombies are out there, dude. It was shady. That casino was really shady. God damn. No, thank God I never had that. I think it got better. I think it got better, but it was,

No, I mean, you were out there. You were doing shit that it's like you were fucking working anywhere from a young age. I really loved it, though. I was like, I'm a comic. No, that's sick. That's great. You were too, dude. But I was featuring. I never really did. You were out there like you would, by hook or by crook, get yourself some fucking gigs from a young age.

and you were headlining and stuff like that. Some real fucking off-market. Catch me in Chattanooga. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I do remember when we first met and became friends, I was trying to do that, but I was trying to bring in funny business and all those gigs and all that stuff. And I just never did. And then thankfully, I never had to. It just picks up from here. I remember writing them angry emails like, you're not paying.

me enough. And he was just like, we'll stop using you. I wasn't like, you're right. This is pretty unjust. It was like, oh, we'll get someone who'll work. Yeah. Oh, $150 to feature in Detroit? No flight? No hotels? Not enough for you? You piece of shit? Yeah, they were the older ones that were nice enough, but there was one younger guy who wasn't a good dude. Those gigs, I mean, a lot of those gigs are evaporating, which, you know, it'd be nice to have more

out there but think I mean think on a different game I mean like when we started you kind of needed to have those chops and that's kind of how you rose but now with the internet yeah you can kind of circumvent well it was already ending like there was no way to just work your way up to the system and then you become a headliner and then you get a special that was already kind of on the way out but I was coming up when they were like you've seen them on like Conan I was getting headline we that wasn't drawing no it's true it's true and you do have like you have like a very last of the Mohicans and

type, type store, like, you know, a career where it's like, your career is not that much different from like, you know, even somebody like a tell and somebody who's like, you work your way up from everything and you just, you got, you got late nights and you know what I mean? Like, and you were getting shit. You got comedy central. Like it is one of the last few. We all want a comedy central and now it's like, it's a YouTube channel.

Your only shot is getting on a rerun of The Office if you want to get on there now. Yes. Well, we have so much more to... We'll pause this section with you, my friend. We've got to get to some questions. Let's do it. We've delved into your psychology a nice amount. We'll get in there again. We'll have you back for sure. It's really just a lot of sex stories. The Reno, the Dennis' dad. Dennis' dad. Respect the Dennis' dad. You'll need Dennis at some point.

I can't wait. He's a classic. I can't wait. Eldis, why don't we do some fucking calls here? Let's solve some of these fucking people's problems. What do you say? Let's do it. Let's do it. All right. You're trying a new method, huh? Trying. I hope it works. Oh, nice. It did work. Wow. So my name is Herd? No, just give it a second here. Hey, so my name's Herd. Do you remember Herd? I was calling him. Maybe it's not coming through. Start it over. Okay.

Start it over, dunce. Yeah, we got to fix the lag. Bear with us, folks. It's the beginning of the fucking podcast. We'll figure it out. Hey, so my name's Herb. I'm from Texas. I'm about to maybe do some stuff with my girl. And my problem is, right, like, my foreskin is mad tight. It looks like they're about to rob a bank, you know, baller balls and all. And I'm just trying to figure out, how do I fix this shit, man? I know you're Greek. I'm sure that you're...

Well-equipped down there. Maybe you're not. How do I fix this shit, dog? Thank you. Well, did you say his name was Hurd, Elders? Hurd, you've come to the right place. I have the same fucked-up-ass dick that you do, my friend. Sam has no expertise here. They mutilated him at a young age. The moil got to him. The moil snipped him and sucked his dick with a little wine in his mouth. He rubbed some wine on my teeth like I was...

Doing blow. Just rubbing it there. And Eldis, as we've covered in another episode, although we don't know what order we're going to release these in, so Eldis has one of the loosest foreskins of all time. Isn't that correct? Proud owner, proud owner. What was that? Damn.

How would you describe it, Eldest? It hangs off like a loose, dirty sock. Wow. Like a sock you've been wearing for four days. The elastic has gone out a little bit. No problem rolling it back, rolling it up. We're good over here. He could cuff his foreskin like jeans that are a little too long.

That is the loose foreskin. Some women like a loose foreskin. Yeah, yeah. You want a loose... Look, I got a tight... Like our buddy here that called in. I have a tight foreskin. It is a problem. It is... It's a... I'm actually doing bits about how fucked up my penis is. And I went to the doctor for a different problem, like a urologist. And he...

They noticed that I have too tight a foreskin also. And he told me to circumcise. And my father, who never weighs in on medical things ever, he was like...

Was the doctor Jewish? My dad literally thought it was some kind of fucking Jewish conspiracy to circumcise everyone that's not circumcised. That is hilarious. Not a lot of adults are getting on the circumcision game. I think that's a painful recovery. So yeah, that's one way. There's gauges. I try this. You can put gauges in your fucking dick like it's... What? Like it's fucking Hot Topic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You could, but that's a whole process. I couldn't stick with it. Does your dick start listening to Blink-182 after that? Yeah, your dick starts a pop punk band after that. You could do that. There's apparently a cream. Others have had success with a stretch out situation, a warm bath and a stretch. Go to a doctor, Herd. You know what I mean? Go to a urologist.

I'm guessing you're poor enough to qualify for Medicaid, if I had to guess. Otherwise, you probably don't have health insurance, but it's worth it. But here, I'll tell you what I do as a man with a fucked up penis myself. It just takes a finesse. The woman you're with has to have a finesse approach. And you said you're about to do some stuff with your girl. He said about to maybe do some stuff, which is like, has he even fucked before?

That's interesting. He kind of feels like a virgin a little bit because he's like, I'm about to maybe do some stuff with my girl. Yeah, but that might just be the first time with this girl. That's true. Maybe he just likes this girl and wants to, you know. Right, right. But you're right. You need some Klay Thompson hands to work with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. This is an issue. Yes, you need her. You absolutely need a finesse approach. You need somebody to be finger rolling your dick, not dunking it. Oh, George Gervin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if she tries to pull it to back, just tell... You know, communication is key here, my friend. Let her know. And look, this is also a blessing in a lot of ways because...

Unless the pussy's real good, in my experience, you want to use a condom because it keeps your fucked up foreskin in place. Really? So it's kind of like God forcing you to not raw dog, which is good. It's helped me in a lot of situations. Sometimes I've been like, let me treat myself to a little bare pussy. And then it's yanked my foreskin back and I've paid the ultimate price of risking an STD and not even...

you know, it being a good bust. So,

So you're in a good position here, Hurd. You can use some fucking, use a condom, be a responsible man. Now, if this is your girlfriend and you're like, what the fuck? Why do I get a girlfriend to use a condom for? That's a fate worse than death is to use a condom with my long-term girlfriend. I've been there. Yeah, it's a tough one. I've done that. I don't mind it just because I'm like, eh, I'll fucking, I'll last longer. Sure, but it is like. If I need to come, I'll come. Yeah. But yeah, I'm with, I mean, look, I haven't run dog in a while.

Yeah. But I don't do it as a single guy. Yeah. I can't roll the dice like that. Yeah. I wish I could say the same for myself there, Sam. Sometimes. Sometimes. Roach Dobby. Hey, man, I'm sober. What do you want from me? I got to roll the dice somehow. Sometimes you just get a little. That's a hilarious excuse for Raw Doggy Woman. I was sober and thinking clearly. You got me there. I have no excuse. Come on, man. I was so cold sober. Yeah.

Sometimes you just, listen, man, you finger a little bit and you're like, oh, what do we got here? Sometimes you feel in between, you just feel on the outside of the sweatpants. You're like, let's fucking go. I think I got to treat myself here. I might have to take a little fucking roll of the dice. Anyway, that's over, though. And I've been tested, by the way. Thank you. I'm clean, everyone who's wondering. So, yeah, that's our advice to you, buddy.

You know, seek some medical help and use condoms. And if not, keep it nice and lubed up. Keep it nice and wet. Eat some pussy. Make sure she's feeling good. Because actually, this is positive. Because the two ways it doesn't hurt is condom, so you're safe. Or she's very wet, which means you're probably doing a lot of foreplay. You're a generous lover. In many ways, this is, again, like we talked about earlier, lemons into lemonade.

Now you're a safe, generous lover thanks to your fucked up penis. Use that. Don't just have horrible, bad sex. It's like being like Pat Bev. You don't have the greatest jump shot in the world, but you become a lockdown defender. I mean, there's other options. There's other options. Your penis is probably also small if I had to guess right. Good luck, my friend. Let us know how it goes. Call back sometime. This is going to be a big show. I can just feel it. I can just feel this is going to be big. People are going to want your help, Stavi.

They hit us with another one there, LD. What the fuck? Motherfucker. Okay. Hey, Steph. I'm so glad you're doing this. So I am currently in my bathroom with the vent on so my boyfriend doesn't hear me. I love him so much and he's been unemployed for six months. How do I get him off of his ass? Please help me. I love him and I don't want to be an egg. Thank you. Bye. Bye.

Well, clearly you're not scared of him. What the fuck is that? I'm running the fan. There's music. He can't hear me, I'm pretty sure, and I have to go very quickly. I just want him to get a job. What the fuck? Six months is rough. Six months, no job, and you're hiding from him to leave a voicemail? Are there other issues in the relationship? I love him so much. I mean, sometimes he's rough with me, but he wouldn't do that if he didn't care. I mean...

Okay, so we're going to just hope that you're not being abused here. Six months, no job. But okay, she clearly loves... You clearly do care about him, which is, I think, the biggest... Hearing something like this, somebody telling you to get a job, clearly... I mean, I don't know about clearly. Does he...

She says, how do I get him off his ass? Yeah. So it's not... It doesn't seem like he's too worried about this. No. Do you pay the bills? I'm guessing yes. She must. I mean, or do they live together? Or does it just like... Does he live somewhere else? He's just a deadbeat. She's got a life together. I mean...

Okay, a lot of questions here, right? Unemployed for six months is a lot. I don't know how long you've been together, but that's a lot. That's true. That's a lot of time. If it's at least... So you got to think they've been together minimum a couple months before that, right? You're not going to start dating someone who's unemployed unless... Maybe you are. Maybe he's got some game, dude. Maybe he's got some game. Maybe he slings a nice penis. Maybe she has low self-esteem. I think all of these are possible. Shout out women with low self-esteem. Yeah, absolutely. You guys rule. Right?

So, okay, we don't know a lot because you were calling in under duress with the vent on. Yeah, the hiding is not a good... It's just me from my panic room. It's going to take him at least six minutes to undo the locks. So there's a couple questions here, right? Does he have any... Has he shown... Is he like...

low about himself? Does he feel down on himself because he doesn't have a job? Is this affecting him? Has he been trying to get a job? From how do I get him off his ass? None of that feels like it's happening, right? So do you pay the bills? That's another one. If you do, at a certain point, you're gonna have to be like, hey, I need you to chip in here, right?

I will say, I don't think like, you know, I don't like the whole like the guy pays for everything, but I go on a lot of first dates and I have not seen a woman even reach for the purse in a long time. Just fake reaching. I just want the reach. Just the reach. I'm paying. I love being like, no, of course not. You're also robbing us of telling you no. I know. That feels good. It does feel good. It feels really good to be like, of course, I got this, please. I know. Gals, give us the reach. That's all we ask for. But yeah, I don't know. It feels like,

If this guy doesn't really give a fuck, hasn't been trying to get a job, somebody is supporting him. If it's you, why are you doing that? What are his... What are the other... What else does he bring to the table? Yeah.

My hunch is not much and you have your own issues. My hunch is you're being finessed by some dumbass. But let's say he's got some worth. There's something for sake of argument since we don't have, we don't know enough about this. Let's say this is a relationship that you should be investing more in instead of leaving like the rats on the Titanic. Let's say this is something you need to be like, you want to, you really love him. It seems like you do.

So Will, for sake of argument, after you go through the checklist, should I even be with this guy? Let's say for sake of argument, you go through the checklist and you decide, yes, I should. Get him off his ass. You can't force someone to get a job. You have to shame them, kind of. There's no way to just be like, you need... I mean, or give an ultimatum of it. I mean, at a certain point, you have to be like, I can't be with someone who doesn't work. Right. And let's say, if it... Yes, I think...

All my read on this situation is yes, we're in ultimatum zone. We're in like, get a fucking job. I pay for everything zone. But let's say, let's just say we're not. Let's say this guy has been trying to get a job. Has, you know, and it's maybe he's beating himself up over it. I don't know what you could really do other than like,

Do you know anybody that's hiring? Can you sit with him and go through fucking job postings? All this kind of shit. My hunch is no, because you're probably working two jobs to pay for his Twitch. He's trying to become a Twitch streamer, and you just bought him a new gaming PC.

But the directionless part of it is tough too, I think. Because when you just have no motivation, I think that's a big turnout for women too. Yeah, absolutely. Except for her. Look, I know you seem to really care about this person, but from what we have, from everything we know, all signs lead to you probably give him a fucking ultimatum, have him get a job, stop supporting him, and hopefully, you know, he's not a fucking baby. He's a grown man. He can get a fucking job.

As long as you're not struggling with like mental health or other health issues, all that kind of stuff. If he's just an able-bodied motherfucker, uh, an able-minded who's just not doing shit because somebody else is paying his bills, tell him to get a fucking... He's like a cripple in a wheelchair. We're like, we're like, this fucking loser...

Can't get a job. And if he has all... If he does have some kind of health problems, then, you know, help him navigate solving those. But it feels like... Should you even really be in this relationship? All I saw is that she said she loves you so much. Yeah. And...

Maybe this shit ends. Yeah. She gets on the stop ship. No, that's true. That's true. I got a fucking job, baby. You're fucking looking at it right now. So anyway. Studio and apartment. Yeah, that's right. I don't know. Maybe we didn't really help you out, but... I don't think we helped at all. I think we just told her boyfriend to lose it. I think this was really unhelpful. If he's a good guy, then you could help him by getting to the bottom of why he's not looking for things. But again...

He really has no excuse. If he's able-bodied and he's not dealing with anything, you know, whatever. Six months is a long fucking time. If he doesn't really give a fuck, you kind of have to... Maybe you're making him too comfortable. I don't know. If we missed on this, if he is a great guy, feel free to call back and let us know that we're missing certain parts of the information. Maybe even wait when he's not there so you can speak freely. You don't have to run the bathroom vent anymore.

There were other ways to go, Beth. She could have taken a walk. I don't know. No, he has one of those electric dog shock collars on her. She can't go off the premises without his permission. It's a full-time job, my friend. Hit us with another one, Eldo. Okay, Scottie. I've got a situation. I've got like a... I'm talking to like three girls right now.

And I don't know how to resolve this issue. No, he's not. Before it goes down. He's lying. Maybe he is. Because I'm going to have to pick one, I guess. But I have too much human emotion to turn people down. Oh, my God. How do I not want to kill myself after this? You know what I mean? Pause this for a second before we listen to it. Appreciate it. I'm furious. No, go ahead. I guess finish it.

Buddy, pal, love from Atlanta and by Atlanta I mean a racist town 45 minutes away. Okay, this guy fucking stinks. I got a problem too. I fucked a perfect 10 the other night and she was like, Sam, you're the best. And I was like, Jesus. Problems. It makes me so sad to accept compliments without giving them. Basically you fuck too much and you're upset that you have to choose one of the women you fuck too much.

And you're going to hurt two other... I mean, like, grow up. My cock is so good, I'm going to deprive two women of it, though, when I choose one. And I have too much empathy. I'm too much of a human being. There's not a line in this that isn't a brag. No, this... Yeah, everything about... And even his whole manner...

And look, this is the first time this has ever happened to this guy. Right? That's what we're dealing with here. This is a man that does not understand, has never gotten pussy at this level. You're hot right now. This is the best it's ever going to get. Don't think like there's going to be a problem forever for the rest of your life. This is the only time. But in fact, he called what? A week ago? This is a situation already over. If I had to guess, two weeks ago.

Two of these women have fallen. At least one of them is not returning your calls by now already. Definitely not by the time this fucking episode airs. We're doing this in October, you know, October 23rd. This will probably come out in like November, mid-November, early December. Definitely by that time, he's getting no pussy whatsoever, if I had to guess. Yeah.

You have no problems. Just pick one. This is what dating is. You got hot and you called in to brag. Fuck you. Suck my dick. Yeah. Call back. And you know what? You pulled up from 40 and you shot an air ball. Yeah. You ain't Steph Curry. You're Seth Curry. And you're playing well. Yeah. You're a good player. Yeah.

But you ain't got rings. That's right. That's right. You are Seth Curry. And for a moment, this is like when a role player has that one crazy game. 35 in the playoffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, I guess I'm a max contract guy. You're not. You're exactly who you are. Enjoy it while it lasts. Call back. I bet you this situation is blown up in your face just by how ill-equipped you are for it. Next question, Eldis. That one put me in a bad mood. That one...

I don't even know how he's talking to these other chicks. You know, he's just like, baby, you know, like. I do wonder. It's just a day in the life. Hey, stop. It's your boy, local Baltimore guy. I think I'm going to have a threesome this weekend. But I used to suffer from erectile anxiety. This guy's out. He's doing a character. He's doing a fake. First of all, your Baltimore accent sucks. And you don't get pussy. Fuck you. Next question.

Don't come at me with a fucking substandard Baltimore accent. It's pissing me off. And you know what? Yeah, you're Ronnie. Puts that motherfucker to shame. Yeah, fuck that guy. And fuck the guy who played the fucking call. Eldis. Hey, get what you pay for, Stabby. And this is what's with the problem. Next one.

Yeah, I got genital herpes and I gave it, I think I gave it to somebody. But I did, I did give it to somebody, really. And I like gas lit him afterwards. What did he say he got blown after? They probably gave it to me, so I got the sympathy. That's pretty funny, I do hate dogs. But yeah, should I ever tell that person? Because I still talk to them. I'm never going to.

I mean, I don't think you need us to solve anything. I think you figured it out. This is like the total opposite than the last call. The last guy's like, I'm fucking too many drinks. This guy's like, I have herpes and I've been giving it to people.

I've been giving it to a lot of people. Should I tell them? I'm not going to. Yeah. And you know what's funny? I somehow respect this much worse human being than the other guy. That's how important vibes are sometimes. It's true. You know, that other guy. I would rather hang with this guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so go to the transcription just so I can read it a little clearer because you couldn't. Play it again. I just want to hear it.

Yeah, I got genital herpes and I think I gave it to somebody. But I did give it to somebody and I gas lit them afterwards. And so thinking that they probably gave it to me, so I got the sympathy. That's pretty cool, right? Yeah.

Yeah, should I ever tell that person? Because I'll still talk to them. I'm never going to. Just a gay dirtbag. This was a fucking rollercoaster, though. I knew a guy who, back in the day, got so drunk that he accidentally shit in a woman's bed. We were like kids. He was so drunk, and then he just pushed her into the shit and was like, oh, what have you done? And she was like, oh, oh my god. That's what you did.

You gaslit. You gave someone an STD and then told them they gave you the STD.

What a fucking piece of shit. The answer is, if you're actually asking a question, is of course you should to be a moral person. But it doesn't feel like you're going to, man. It feels like maybe you should get on some Valtrex, stop giving people herpes. And then you got the sympathy for it. It's hilarious. So yeah, dude, it seems like you got more problems than just the fucked up scabs around your penis. Seems like you just got some issues.

So I would, I don't know, I would go to a doctor, I would maybe go to therapy, and I would stop, definitely stop fucking during an outbreak. But also, how gullible is the other guy, by the way, who believed this? This man doesn't exactly have a way with words. Well, is it a man who gave the herpes? I think so, that's what he said. He said, because I still talk to him. Oh, okay. That's what the transcription says anyway. Maybe it's wrong. Maybe he said them, but...

Yeah, I mean. Either way. Either way, this dude's weak in the belief in you. So maybe he deserved the herpes that you gave him. I mean. That's a great possibility. That's the type of person where he's just like, maybe it was my herpes. And you're like, well, then you know what? Yeah, yeah. This is the way the world works, dude. You might be too weak for this universe. Elder Sims with another one, Papi.

Stobby baby, my one true love. Hey, first question I wanted to ask, how are those shrooms I gave you in the bathroom of the Seattle show? Those golden penis envies. How was your trip? I don't remember. Probably pretty good. My actual question is, I just broke up with my girlfriend to live the Greek God life and get pussy on the side. The problem is, there's no pussy to be got here.

I had no problem getting pussy on the west side, but I just moved towards the inland. And, you know, I'm a straight man who dresses like he's bisexual. So I'm not looked at in kind regards here. So how do I disguise myself on the opposite side of the political spectrum to try to get pussy? Thanks, Dov. Love you.

I'm so confused by all of this. Okay, clear. I know exactly what's going on here. First of all, thank you for the shrooms. I appreciate them. So he broke up with his girlfriend. He said he wanted to go. He wants to get a bunch of pussy. But apparently moving one neighborhood or whatever, he's somewhere in Seattle. He was like, I'm moving closer to inland. I can't get pussy here.

So he... This is a very regional question. Damn. You know, he's asking, like, how do I get pussy in my new neighborhood? Is it a woker neighborhood? I think he moved from... Context clues here. He moved from a woke neighborhood to maybe a more Republican or just uptight, more conservative, traditional neighborhood. Get a fucking polo and pop that collar, bro. Come on. I would say, first of all...

a neighborhood to a different neighborhood stopping you from getting pussy means you could never get pussy. You know what I mean? It's like, it's not, that shouldn't be, that shouldn't be an issue. I don't think Don Draper went to Westchester and was like, I'm fucked. Yeah, yeah. My powers are useless. Yeah.

maybe you were a little too fucking big for your bridges, a little too cocky coming out of a relationship thinking it was going to be fucking pussy galore your life. And you realize the hard fact that you're not a pussy getter. You're not built like this. Okay. That could be. And now you're blaming it on a, on a moving over, you know, moving through a move that was three miles away. I don't know shit about Seattle or wherever the fuck you're from.

You should also understand that no one knows your dumb little fucking city's personal fucking community, different cultures. No one gives a fuck about Washington State. Yeah, I don't fucking care. Make it more clear, motherfucker, what you mean. The problem, too, is you're fresh out of a breakup. Women smell that shit on you. You have that desperation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, you stink of it. It's like a fish. It follows you. It's true. There's two ways around that. There's the like...

super sad, legitimately not trying to get pussy, and that's when they throw themselves at you. But when you're this guy who's like, what's up, you fuck, time to get my dick sucked, whores, I kicked her to the curb, time to get pussy, that's, yeah, that's not a good, your energy is off. Yeah, there's too much cockiness in the energy, I think. And he also says he dresses by, he's a straight man that dresses by. I don't even know what that means. You know, probably fucking big pants, little mustache,

You know what I mean? Like, he dresses like, you know, kind of hip, what the new hipstery bullshit is, but now he's in a more mainstream neighborhood or whatever. Also, you're telling me you can't fucking drive across town and get your dick sucked? It doesn't feel like you have a lot going on. Yeah, you're telling me that women in the Republican neighborhood don't find your clockwork orange hat adorable? What the fuck are you... What the hell? Dude, you know...

You're right. There is a time when the sad breakup guy can't get ass. Yes. Because women want to... There are women that want to save the wounded bird. I agree with you. But that's not what we're dealing with here. We're dealing with a man with a surplus of... With undeserved confidence.

So look, man, if you really think it's a geographical problem, first of all, again, we don't know what stupid neighborhood you used to live in, what stupid neighborhood you live in now. Call you into a fucking local Seattle. Maybe it's like he left like Bushwick and went to Gramercy or some shit. Yeah, maybe something like that. Murray Hill or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Murray Hill. More bro-y, something like that. Yeah, so you don't get that reference either, do you? Yeah. It's not so fun when we do it in New York, is it? Yeah.

But if you can get pussy one place, you should be able to get it at the other place as well. There might be other issues here. That's my guess. And look...

You know, like Sam said, get a polo, try and be more, you know, try and be more talk about how good the new Taylor Swift album was. OK, and if you can't even do that to get pussy, I don't know what to tell you. Go go back. You can go back to the old neighborhood just to, you know, go to some converted warehouse that they run an illegal bar in now. You know, have some fun there. Get get on the board. Get get your sea legs.

Get used to getting pussy again in a friendly environment and then try and do it in your new different neighborhood. And find quips. Go to parties. Instead of drinking Bud Light, switch to Amstel. Maybe have little lines ready like Romneycare and Obamacare are the same thing. Your new friends are going to love that. That's true. All right. Hit us with another one. What are we doing here, LD?

Hey Stas, I'm just calling because I have these big, massive mommy milkers. Hmm.

Tell me more. They always hurt my back. People are always staring at them, commenting on them. And I just need to know how to handle it. Do I get the reduction? No! Do I get them even bigger? Or do I just start walking around with my top off? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much. Love you. Bye. Finally, we get a real question. Finally, something we can sink our teeth into.

Something that's important. And look, I can't say it in more staunch terms. The Stavis World podcast...

categorically against the concept of the breast reduction. Okay, you're spitting in God's face by doing that. That's well known. That's off the table. You know how insane pro-life zealots are like, not even in incest or rape, that's me with breast reductions? It's like, not even with severe back problems. We're

It's an affront to God. Under no circumstances, you call me, I'll adopt that extra titty meat. I'm with you, dude. I'm with you. Look, I have a horrible neck. Do I cancel gigs because of that? No. I take Connect flights. I'm going to Fort Wayne, Indiana on Thanksgiving. That's right. That's right. Sam makes it work. You can too. Yeah.

Big breasts are what America's all about. People are always staring at them, calming them, you know. You just need to know how to handle this. Well, this is kind of one of those questions where it's kind of tough to say without a picture of them...

Yeah. In a bra, maybe in a shirt where you can see the nipples a little bit, and then also with nothing on whatsoever. So it's going to be really hard for me to comment without those three things. Maybe a video where you take them out of a top and bounce them up a little bit. Maybe that would actually really help. So please feel free to DM me on Twitter because Instagram, all of my DMs get...

I don't read, they kind of disappear. I'm getting too many on Instagram now, but Twitter still is, I can still track them down there. So, you know, we can give me some supplementary. I don't want to give you a,

you know, an answer without having all the information basically. Yeah. I think it's, that would be malpractice. It's important to educate yourself on all about. And look, she called them mommy milkers. You can't reduce something with an awesome name. Yeah. Yeah. You want, yeah. You can't get, you can't get rid of the milkers. Absolutely. No way. Um,

But, yeah, like I said, definitely not the reduction. Maybe, you know, we're working on a concept here at Stavi's World where girls with huge tits should get, like, a cool exoskeleton, you know, that, like, takes some of the...

stress off your spinal cord. That's great. Like a Gundam. That's great. You know what I mean? Something like that. That's how we're going to fucking solve this. Why are we trying to change this problem and not this problem? We need to strengthen the back. Your spine is the problem. Your spine is the problem. You have a weak spine. Yeah. Instead of a reduction, a dangerous surgery, get something like spinal fusion. Yeah. That's much safer as we all know. It is so stupid where I'll just see

Like, just sometimes on the internet, somebody will just post like a reduction and be like, I'm so happy. And literally, I'm like, fuck, fuck. I don't know this woman. You know what I mean? It just pops up on Twitter. All those likes are women. Yeah, yeah. Not a lot of encouraging dude comments. You don't see a lot of dudes with the applause emoji. I'm so fucking stupid. It's just like someone I don't know got a surgery that improved their life. And I'm like, fuck, fucking bitch. It's just like.

Why is that my initial, like, you know, why does my brain work that way? I will never see those breasts. Our childhood. It's a gift. It's literally like when you know a guy who's great at basketball and he didn't even try to make the NBA. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eldest was 6'6", didn't even fucking try and play high school basketball. I was out there 5'7", getting cut every year. Eldest fucking didn't even bother. But you fought.

They tried to, they really tried to get me out there. I, I, I really should have. Cause the team was so shitty. It was like an art school. Yeah. I probably like could have done decently, even like just not being an athlete at all. Yeah. You would just never, I just never did it. No, you were too busy reading Madam Bovary.

I'll just love that book in high school. Did you really? Yeah. Adam Bovary. Not like senior year. Who wrote that again? I remember that one. It was fucking... Flaubert. Oh, Gustave Flaubert. That's right. I remember that shit. Yeah. All right. I read and annotated it several times. Like, I was close to reading that shit. I'm going to go ahead and say I don't think you would have been good on this team even in high school.

Uh, um, so that's, that's for our friend with the mommy milkers. DM us for further information. Um, one more here. I'll just, where are we at time wise? We are at one 25. Oh, perfect. Let's do one more. I don't want to keep Sam. I'm having a great time. This is a great, yeah, I'm having a blast. Yeah. Let's do another one. We got a, we got a nice one to, to play us off. Hey, this is Cameron from Colorado. Long time listening. First time calling. And, uh,

I'm having a bit of an issue meeting girls. I know that that's a pretty common problem. But I just want your input on how I can find things to do to meet girls without just going to frat parties because ethically I'm against them. I don't know. It creeps me out. So just for the context, yeah, I'm 19.

I'm in college, you know, it should just be like shooting fish in a barrel. I know. It's all right, buddy. Don't fucking. I don't know. I just. I like this job. I've tried to be like a, you know, inspired by you. I've tried to be kind of a little, a little slut, you know, and. Good. I just can't with online dating. I get like, I get likes, I get matches. That's not the problem. I just, I just can't like make a connection that I kind of need that.

And so I've been trying to think about ways I could meet people in real life. It's impossible to talk to people in class seriously, especially after COVID. It just feels so weird, I think. And I'm not getting invited to many parties, especially I don't want to go to any frat parties. Okay, we've met you. I don't know, maybe clubs. Clubs? It just feels like...

You want to make a connection at a fucking club? I don't know. Just any ideas. And any just general advice you can give about it. I just, I'm lost. And I know, like, people say to join clubs. I just, there's none that, like, interests me. This goes on for three hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In some kind of, like, lie. I don't know. I don't know.

Okay, there's a lot of issues here. And congrats on the weight loss, by the way. I know what it's like. I lost about 70 pounds. Oh, there it is. There it fucking is. Thanks, buddy. This is one of the most classic. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? You're a fat kid who never even believed in himself. A freshly not fat kid?

He's in his head like a motherfucker. You're so in your head. That makes it so clear what's going on here to me. Because you lost 70 pounds. You're 19. You got to cut some fat off the voice messages. Trim the fat. You did it off your body. Now do it off your fucking voicemails. Yeah.

But this is so clear. This is such a clear phenomenon of the former fat kid, which is you don't even believe in your current body. In your head, you don't. He's getting matches. He's talking about he needs to make a connection. This all comes from self-esteem. Yeah. And that is difficult. It's hard to get over that. But you still have that like,

You don't feel worthy. You don't feel like you should be getting this attention. You're getting these matches. And you're making a lot of fucking excuses. I hate to say it, but I'm going to be... I got to be stern with you right now. Because you are standing in your own way. I think a lot of this stems from your prior insecurity. You're also a 19-year-old kid. That's a tough age to begin with. It is. Let alone making this big jump in your body where it's like, you know...

Didn't get pussy in high school, no question. Didn't even sniff getting pussy in high school as a kid, right? Like, fat as shit, no confidence. Now, you're a piece of ass. You're a 19-year-old piece of ass. You're right. It should be like shooting fish in the barrel. The problem is you're not... What's going on is you're just taking the bullets out of your own gun, right?

You're just pointing at the fish and you're like, "Uh, that fish, I don't even know that fish's siblings' names. How can I shoot it?" You know what I mean? It's like, just go out there, start fucking a little bit, start... You know, you get these matches, right? You say you can't make a connection. It's not... What are you waiting for? We're not... This isn't a fucking rom-com. There's not gonna be any meet-cutes. All that stuff, that shit is fake, right?

I do like a club idea, but even that, you're poo-pooing, right? Baby clubs suck, dude. Those are your college clubs? I think what he means is, like, club activity things. Oh, that's interesting. Which is, like, if he was being real about this... Because here's what I think. I think the connection thing is...

is kind of an excuse he's hiding behind. Where he's getting these matches, he's getting the opportunity to interact with these girls, but he's like, well, I can't really make a connection online. And then you're like, okay, well, go meet a person, then go meet a girl in a club that you like. Go join the movie club, do whatever. And he's like... And he has some excuse about that. There's nothing that interests me. Nothing interests your brother. If you have no passion, find a fucking passion before a partner. Yeah. That's true, too. You know what I mean? Like...

these... Talking to women in class, that's tough. I get it. That's a tough... Because there's almost like a creepy vibe if you're too chatty. You kind of have to... Like you've seen that dude who's like, what are you doing this week? And you're like, leave her alone, dude. But truly what's happening here is...

You're just at a point in your life where you have to put yourself out there. He never did because he was insecure, especially with the weight before. Now you have some weight loss. You don't know how to adapt to your own body. And the reality is, buddy...

this shit is just going to be a little painful. You're going to swing and a miss a couple times. There's a girl I was in love with in college. I would walk, you know, we were in the same class. We hit it off, you know, we'd get lunch. I'd walked her to the thing. Never made a move. She started dating one of the dumbest people I've ever met in my life. Yeah, that's tough. It was a tough one. There was a girl in college I had a crush on, I remember, and I just didn't have the balls. Exactly. It was in class. I just, like, I can't. I didn't want to be, like, a...

Of course. But I remember thinking, man, she was really fucking cute. Yeah. No. And the thing is, you're going to have to fucking fail. You're going to get kicked in the teeth. It's going to be fucking embarrassing. You're going to want to fucking kill yourself. You're like, you're out of embarrassment. But that's fucking life, bro.

And my homework assignment to you is go on a couple dates. Even online. Force it. You're not going to want to do it. Just go. You never know what's going to happen. Builds character. Builds character. You're saying you're getting matches. Don't go to these frat parties, but do it. And listen, join a club. You say you don't have a fucking interest, find something that you're even halfway interested in. Start chatting some people up.

That's my advice to you. Believe in yourself a little more. Take some risks. Take some chances. This is the time to do it. Believe me, you don't want to be looking back on your life as a 26-year-old coward who didn't get this out of the way in college. You don't want to do that. There's plenty of people that do that. Just like, this is the time to do it.

I will see you through it. Call back when you've done it. Call back when you've even asked a girl out and we can give you more support. But that's what you got to do. There's no way around it. It's going to be fucking horrible. And the good news is you are like the negative self image you have of yourself. That's kind of tied maybe to what you know, your old weight, what your weight is. That's,

You know, that's no, you're hotter now, which is, it's unfortunate that people treat fat people bad in this country, but they do. And guess what? You don't have to go through that anymore. That's a positive for you personally. So get out there. You're getting those matches.

Put yourself through it. Fail a couple times, and you'll be better for it 100%. Failure is not an option, you know? I mean, you got... I mean, sorry. You have to fail sometimes. Not trying is not an option. Not trying is not... Gustave LeBair. Yeah, yeah. No, you got to get out there and just... Failing's okay. Failing's great for you. Absolutely. It's the best. Michael Jordan fucking got cut from his JV team. Classic. Classic.

And I've said it before on the old show, on the old version of this, Stopping Solving Problems, the road to a W is littered with L's. And that's the way to look at it. How many times have we bombed between us in this fucking room? Constant. Like, that's how you get good at anything, is failure. And the load of a W is littered with smells. Yeah.

Also, Gustave LeBair. Another quote. He should try annotating Madame Bovary several times until he gets pussy. That's true. Yeah. It's so funny that he lost weight and he's like, why isn't my life like Project X now? He just really used to be pounding pussy in college. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It doesn't happen that easy, buddy.

We believe in you though. We know you're going to fucking do it. Please call. And that's your homework assignment. Can I say one more thing about this guy? Go on two dates. Yeah. I think he overthinks stuff to the point that it's probably hurting him with women. I think women can tell when you're in your head like this.

play mysterious a little bit. Play cool a little bit. Less is more sometimes. I bet this guy talks too much when he talks too much. Honestly, everything he's saying reminds me of me when I was like 19, except I hadn't lost the weight. I was getting fatter in college because, bro, you give me that unlimited meal plan. You give me that fucking, that UMBC dining hall was fucking good, dude. They had some good shit over there. I got fat as shit in my freshman year of college. Oh, dude, Tulane had gumbo. Hell yeah.

Yeah. It's fucking easy just to become a piece of shit. So, yeah, he definitely overthinks things. I'm an overthinker myself, but what Sam said is very correct. Less is more sometimes. Just fucking... And you're thinking about this way more than the girls you're talking to are thinking about it. That's for sure. That's for sure.

That's your homework assignment. Go on a couple dates. You're getting these matches. Stop hiding behind you need a connection. How would you know you haven't gotten pussy yet, motherfucker? We know you haven't. I can tell by maybe you did once by accident. But the point is, just fuck it. You got to put yourself out there. You're just scared of failure. You'll be fine. But your job is to fail. In fact, call us back when you've gone on a couple dates, but also call us back when you've gotten rejected a couple times.

I want to hear about those. Okay? We can empathize with those. Hang on your chest, my friend. It's good for you. It's good for you. It's tough. You're at a tough age, but you'll be a better man for it eventually. So call us back. We want that. And thank you to everybody who called in. Keep the fucking call. You know what we need to be doing, Elders? I need to...

What the fuck is the number? Call us at 904-800-STAV. That's 904-800-STAV. We should be doing that at the beginning of the episodes. We're learning. Maybe we can flash it on or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the YouTube people, too. We'll throw up a graphic, and we'll also maybe do some prerecorded beginning shit. Yeah, yeah. We're learning here, folks. This is the fucking ground floor of Stabby's World.

Sammy, thank you so much for fucking doing the show. It's an honor, man. It's an honor to be on one of the early eps, man. You have anything people should go watch the special? I got a tour, a theater tour, just like you, buddy. We got the starting in...

January. Literally every city. If you have a city, I will come to it. I love it. Samorelle.com slash shows. And I got the Bodega Cat whiskey that I brought you a bottle. Let me know what you think of it. I will. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. It's really good whiskey. You're going to fucking love this whiskey. I can't wait. I'm staying sober until the end of this particular tour. I'm going to smoke a joint and drink some Bodega Cat. The

You're going to love it. Right as soon as I fucking end the tour. But yeah, I'm on tour as well, guys. The Fat Rascal tour. I'm coming all over the place as well. Stavi.biz. Eldis will be there selling fucking merch and shit, hanging out, working the cameras. Don't look him in the eyes. I can disrespect Eldis. You can't disrespect Eldis. Thanks, guys. We'll talk to you soon. Bye. Bye.