Robert Kelly
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Oh, welcome everybody to Stav's World. We are back. We're in the studio. Call in 904-800-STAV if you want us to get to your questions. Very special episode. We have My Comedy Papa.

Bobby Kelly came right to Queens. What a guy. Good to see you, my boy. This is how Greek people shake hands, by the way, sometimes. Good to see you, my boy. It's great to see you, Bob. Yes. Thank you. We're doing Stavi's World After Dark. I love it. Me and Eldis, super producer Eldis, by the way, everybody, he's here. You going to give yourself the applause, Eldis? I mean, he's got fantastic. He does not look Albanian.

100%. He looks like his family had a coffee shop in Portsmouth, New Hampshire that went under during the 08 season. The housing crisis. Yeah, the 08. What got Obama elected. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Does not look like his family cut people's throats to get here.

You know? He's from a gentle breed of Albanians. Yeah. He's from the blonde ones. Yeah. He's from the Albanians that one Spaniard came over and fucked the whole town. Yeah.

You know what they did at the end of Apocalypto to give those fucking, those little Aztecians some height. Right, right, right. I didn't make it to the end of Apocalypto. You never made, dude, Apocalypto, one of the greatest movies ever. Didn't we try and watch it and the audio wouldn't sync up, Eldis? Well, that's not Mel's fault. It's not Mel's fault. No. And I tried because I respect a lot of his other views. So I tried to make it to Apocalypto. About the Jews? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, I was trying to re-spark my career. This may be the wrong podcast. Maybe I should call Nikki Glaser and see if... Hey. Hi, guys. How you doing? So on that note, let's just say Bobby's got a new special out. Yes. And he has a lot of the same views that I and Mel Gibson just espoused. And Louis C.K. actually directed it. It's on louisck.com. So I'm basically fucking fucked.

It's very funny though. I really did choose a lot of that. Just a lot of fucking. A lot of obstacles. You were playing it on hard mode. Yeah. God damn it. I was on FX. All I had to do was get a better point of view. Make some nicer tweets. Yeah. You know what I mean? Fucking maybe. A couple more gift baskets to Dennis Leary. A couple of photos with a couple of kids with Down syndrome holding a basketball. Yeah.

God damn it. I have so many opportunities to take a different path in life. That's right. It's true. I really, I really. But you did. Hey, listen, you ended up where you needed to be. Yeah, I'm here with a rich, fat Greek kid with a dirty shirt. I'm getting ready for bed. Literally. These are my pajamas. You're literally loaded. You could have silk pajamas.

And you're hanging out with a fucking... An Albanian with a fucking gland problem. That's true. He was this height in preschool. Fucking guy is huge.

It's fucking hilarious. We were the same height up until like sixth grade. Yeah, something happened. I was convinced we would be tall our whole lives and he just kept growing. He kept growing and growing and growing. Yeah, he is not Albanian. Do you have any firsthand experience with Albanians, Bob? No, I just, I saw Taken. You saw Taken?

That's what they do to fucking American chicks that can't run when they go to Paris. That's right. You know, there's one of you fucking... You never met any, huh? No. How about Greeks? I've heard... Of course, Greeks. Yeah. I've met a ton of Greeks. I love Greek people. Yeah, Greek people are...

I love Greek. Look, let's just call it the way it is. And you're going to be mad at me. Oh, here we go. You're going to be mad. But Italians are up here. Get out. First of all, you're not Italian. I'm Italian. You're barely Italian. Buddy. You're one of the whitest men of all time. I am Italian-Irish. Yeah. Okay? The just American mongrel is what you are. I'm Italian. I'm two of the best people.

- The best people that came to this country and fucked each other down in the lower parts of Manhattan. - That's right. - I don't know if you saw that movie that that guy was in with the knife. - The two that couldn't wait to be racist to elevate themselves. - Sure. - They were like, all right, time to be cops and the criminals that prey on minorities. Either way, we're beating up black people, whether we're the mob or the cops. ♪ Somebody's woke, somebody's woke ♪ ♪ Somebody's woke, I guess who it is ♪

I mean, Jesus Christ. I mean, you still hate the cops, huh? I'm going to tell a couple of Puerto Ricans how many cameras you got up here. You see how much I hate the cops then. You and the fucking... I welcome the dialogue, the multi-ethnic dialogue to have with the Puerto Rican people. Yeah, you're going to fucking send this... Eldest with a broom fighting them off. Keep him away, Eldest! Eldest is going to be pushing his glass. What the hell?

What's happening? 911, please. There's been a disturbance in my home. Well, it's funny because when all that stuff happened in New York, I remember Gabby that worked with me. Yeah. So Gabby sends me this thing. She's...

I don't consider myself right. I just consider myself right. You do. Or Gabby. She's left. She's left. Oh, she's as woke as they come. But the problem with her is her dad is rock and roll. Her dad is Bon Jovi. Is in Bon Jovi. So you really can't... You know what I mean? You can't...

You're riding that line But she was like You know She sent me this thing Sign this document Blah blah blah And I'm like What is this I don't sign shit Yeah yeah yeah What are you What are you nuts Yeah And it was to You know Whatever the police Whatever that thing was Defund Defund the police Yeah yeah And I call her back I go Go fuck yourself Yeah

I'm not fucking defunding the police. We don't live in Missouri. It's not the Berkshires you twat. We live in Manhattan. I need these motherfuckers. You know what I'm saying? Sure. And she was like, well, blah, blah. And then, of course, two months later, she had to move because her neighborhood just fucking plummeted. Right. And there was just rapes and murders. So she...

It went from rich white girls to defund the police. All right, dum-dum. Now try to walk back to your house. Where did she live? I don't know. One of those Brooklyn places that just fell off. Do you think it was rapes or murders? Do you think she wanted to go back to living in Jersey? No.

No, she moved to a better part. Oh, in New York. Oh, yeah. She's moved to a better part where... I would live... If my dad was in Bon Jovi, I'm not leaving the house. Dude, if my... I'm playing his keyboards. You know what I mean? 100%, dude. I'm having a good time in Jersey. I'm on the road. Yeah. I'm on the road. I got a Jovi dungaree jacket. Yeah.

I got fucking just patches of all the shows I've been to. I'm getting laid. I'm getting side joey. I'm his son. Getting pussy off the strength of your dad. Not even. Getting pussy with my dad. I'd be fucking high-fiving. Are you nuts? Dude, oh my God. It always blows me away is that

You know it's generational It's like These families come in And they work really hard To get something right Like a restaurant And they You know And they get it And they make good But then that next generation Makes it successful Right And they just get a ton of cash Right It's like the best Chinese And then that third generation Is like Nah I don't want to work Yeah yeah Because they have all that money I'm going to do poetry Yeah I want to go Yeah I'm going to do a podcast With Bobby for nothing I'm like Gabby Get your shit together Go live with your dad Stay home Fucking asshole

You know what I mean? Are you worried about that? Because you have, you came from basically nothing. You crawled out of, you know, I would say the sewers. Sure, okay. I would say the subterranean shit piles is what you were reared in, right? Drinking booze as a baby. Yeah, as a child. Stabbing other children. I wasn't fuck stabbed. Getting molested. Sucking off kids in juvie. I mean, it was no sucking off.

You blow a kid in juvie, you're out three months, you're gay. You're just gay. You know what I mean? So that kind of stuff. If you were into that kind of stuff, Bob. I mean, if you want to mush a lot of things together...

And put it in a medium. Let's package it up nicely. Sure, yeah. And you have become a success despite a lot of, you know, a lot of obstacles. Well. Do you ever worry about, like, your kid, I mean, I love Max, he's the best. Yeah, sure. Do you ever worry about, like, well, you have everything.

He doesn't have that sense of struggle that made you who you are. Does that ever cross your mind at all? Well, let's not get carried away. I mean, it's a three-bedroom ranch in Westchester. You're right. The FX show has been off the air for a while. I don't even know what to think.

The first generation gets it. The second generation, he's going to make it good. His kids are fucked. Right, right. He's fine. You think he's going to take YKWD and franchise it? He's going to take it to the top. Get a logo. Like, Y. Like, make some hand thing. YKW. Yeah. That's what I need. I'm missing branding. Well, it's funny to me because I look around your life now.

And I'm just like, it must be you and all you fucking little podcasting. We bought seven fucking cans. We got black magics. And we got plasmas and all our fans. And yeah, you got nothing. There's not.

You have nothing holding you back. And I think it's so beautiful that you can get just a projector for the living room and not ask anybody. That's right. It's awesome. Yeah, you don't have to come back and see dirty peanut butter fingerprints on your fucking projector. You know what I mean? Come in here and see one of your tripods kicked over and your black magic on the ground. You don't have to ask somebody, go, do you think I could get a new hard drive? We don't need it.

I have a wife and child. I have things that need me. Yes. You have nothing that needs you except for this overgrown Albanian with Superman hair. You know what I mean? He does have annoyingly nice hair. Annoying. Yeah. I mean, compared to us. I mean, we're different levels. Well, I mean, you, I have beautiful hair. Yeah, you have beautiful hair on the sides. Yeah.

I can have pretty nice pigtails. Your hair is so bad, it's good. It comes back. Do you know what I mean? That's what I'm going for. It was Larry from the Three Stooges. It was so bad, I kind of like it. Yeah, you are so... What a great stage of life to be independently successful, which they didn't have...

When I was coming up, you didn't have independently successful. You needed to be accepted by the industry. Right. You had to. You needed to do a Tonight Show. You needed to do Late Night. You needed to get on a TV. You needed somebody from NBC, ABC, CBS, whatever.

one of the networks to take a liking. You had to do showcases. You had to get an agent. You had to get a manager and they had to like you and everybody had to, you know, have this synergy together and, and they would decide what, and now it's like, you're looking, man, we're in wherever we are in Queens and you got a fucking, a giant nerd. Yeah. Who didn't know anything by the way. Who learned it. Yeah. Of course he's a nerd. He just learned it with those. How can't you learn with those fucking microscopes he has on his face? Yeah.

You know what I mean? He's like a poems gay nerd, though. He's not like a nose technology nerd. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A poems nerd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many times did you read? What was your favorite book in high school? Madame Bovary? I read Madame Bovary a few times and annotated it over a couple summers. He would annotate books for fun. Yeah.

What a fucking God damn it Your body wasn't supposed to be What you are No no no Your body You know what your body Was supposed to be You were supposed to be Directing something Or running some type of No Upstart thing No look at that body No no He was supposed to have A plow attached to his neck In Albania He was supposed He was supposed to be Getting whipped by Smaller Albanians No no And killing the fields He has a bed and breakfast With his little wife In Albania

Those hands didn't pick up anything. You're right. The hands are too delicate. Yeah, he had a bed and breakfast in Albania. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people, hello, welcome. Yes, taking advantage of adventurous tourists. They wanted to be like, let's not do grease. Have fresh bread and honey. Yeah, yeah. I don't know what your Albanian dishes are, but dude, I'm so happy for you. I'm so proud of you. Thank you, Bob. That this is happening, and I'm so glad that...

you know, that this, all this stuff has come to, to, uh,

together at the right time to be able to... It's fucking going great. Thank you, everybody who's listening to Stavi's world. But it is... You're the first person who took me on the road. I owe it all to you, Bob. Truly. Well, really, Nick Mullen. But listen, the thing is... You're the one who took me on the road. I know. No, I remember, yeah. Well, you knew how to do it. You... Look, a lot of guys...

at your stage, at that stage of the game, don't know how to do it. You knew how to do it. You know how to. You hang out. You have some fun. You laugh a little bit. You don't push too hard. And you take a fat fuck like me to a 24-hour Korean barbecue. That's true. I mean, you really did, but you were always a sweet guy and a good guy and funny. So, you know, when I would put you up

at the thing and you go up and kill, I'm like, oh, this guy's got it. This is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer and it's cool for guys in my position to get guys who are funny but also cool. Nice. We always had a good time. We always had a great time, man. I mean, even when we did this stupid... Yeah. My tour. Yeah. Oh, God. There was a couple times I wanted to strangle you.

I mean, Jesus Christ. We almost came to blows in a hotel room. Yeah, we almost sucked each other off. The tension was there. If we were gay, that would have been awesome. Oh, dude, you would have fucking... You would have had this old man sucking your dick every night. You would have been like, come on, Bob.

Mine's better than yours. I mean, yours looks weird. It looks like Italian ice cream. Is it over? Is your penis is run over? No, my dick is back. It's rejuvenated. Dude, my dick is back. Like Matthew McConaughey. Yeah, dude, like his hairline. Yeah. Dude, my dick is back. It was gone for a decade. My dick was gone. But I mean, when I saw it, when it came back from underneath everything, I had to get it. I had to get it detailed. I had to send it in and get the...

Vacuumed out. The veins popping again. Yeah, you got to shine up some stuff. Yeah, because it was definitely weird, shiny. Sure. It was shiny. Yeah. It was like you found it. You know when they find stuff in the water, like that magnet thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They throw them and they magnet fish and they pull it out. Like, what's this? What's going on here? They find a completely perfect Neanderthal in ice. Yeah.

You know, just like, it's like, whoa, this is a penis from 2003. Yeah, but you have to clean it off with a brush like this. Yeah, slowly. Yeah, with this little, some type of fluid. Yeah. Yeah, my dick was like, like an old painting. With a painting underneath the painting. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Absolutely. Yeah, it's back. I'm very excited. I mean, my wife's premenopause, so it's for nothing. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can't even. You can't fuck it all, huh? Well, pussies die. And I didn't know that. Pussies die, and there's a shelf life on a twat. Of course. And, you know, all these young girls watching, I'm sure you're going to, they don't know that their pussy has a timer on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when it hits 50, you're going to hear a ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling.

And you ain't gonna be able to punch it or flick it or slap it or hit it. None of it, huh? No, you gotta fucking do gentle. Wow. And it'll take shape to whatever thing you mush it into. You know what I mean? Like back in the day, you could... Like jack? You get down the ass. Yeah.

You gotta, yeah, just... It stays like that. So you gotta fucking, you gotta be careful with that. Sure. Be a little gentle with it. You know, you need some lube. Of course. You need some lube. So sex, we have sex. Me and Donna rocking it still. Yeah. Having a good time. That must have been a thrill when your penis, the first time your penis came back. That must have been incredible. Well...

It was good to... Because I'm sure everybody knows, but for anybody who doesn't, you've lost a ton of weight. A ton of weight. You know, on the special, it's so interesting to watch the special. Yeah, louisck.com. Go get it. Real easy. Apple Pay. Right on your phone. Buy it. If you don't like me, who gives a fuck? Call charity. I'm homeless.

Yeah. But it's funny to watch it and be like, wow, Bobby was fat as hell. Buddy, I watch that now and I'm like, fuck. I could have just waited. Yeah. Like six months. I fucked up. I mean, I fucked up, dude. Here's the thing.

Impatient cocksucker Those And you know this From doing jokes Those jokes Are better now Right Because I'm Coming up with new jokes And I'm pushing The old jokes out So I still have to do Some of those on the road Yeah And they're so much better now Yeah yeah yeah So many more tags And all that shit I know And I look so much better Yeah I would get so much Road pussy now Yeah

And I get nothing because they're expecting that tub of shit to show up. I had a fucking, the back of my neck looked like a honey bun. Yeah, you were very, you were taught. Yeah. You were taught. Taught. That was a good word. Yeah. I was a big boy. I was 350, maybe 355. Okay. Five eight. So it was...

It was not comfortable anymore. Yeah. You know what I mean? I get that. There's a fat that's comfortable that you can kind of roll around in. Sure. You know what I mean? Very well. I know. I'm looking right at you. I'm very familiar with that kind of fat. Like, I love when you came down this morning. You came down to open the gate for me downstairs, as you should have. Yeah. I don't know why I fucking had to tell you that. I mean, what the fuck?

Guy gets a nickel in the bank. I thought you were more mobile these days. Yeah, the king's mobile, but you're not. The fuck? But when you came out, you're still spry. Right. You still got those ham-hog caps. Sure, sure, sure. You could probably play a half-court game. Yes, no full court. Half-court, you could rock and roll. Little three-on-three. Three-on-three. As long as I'm guarding the other fat guy. Right. There's nothing worse than you go to play pickup and everyone's skinny. It's like, come on, man, give me another fat guy. Yeah.

We know the rules of pickup. We're not running. That's nice when you get full court, you get out of the fat guy. Because we're jogging, three-point line to three-point line. Yeah, you're kind of high-fiving each other. You're grabbing each other's underwear elastic, holding each other back. Chill, chill, chill, chill. Give me a shake, dude. Give me a shake. Yo, man, how's your mom? I don't know. My mom's dead. She just met me. Ah, it's cool, man. You know what I meant.

Yeah, there's nothing better. Well, when we were on the road, not to go all over the place, because that's what we seem to do. The fucking guy just stares at the screen. He's doing his job. He's switching cameras. Is he awake, though? It's late for him. All right. But we were on the road. I mean, and I tell people this. I still have the rule. It's a Stavi rule. Yes.

I had to make rules up with you. And Bobby had to train me like a dog when we were eating. Because we're two tubs of shit. We're two fatties on the road. And I don't think we were used to that. No. I think we were used to being the... You were the fatty or I was the fatty. Sure. So now you get two fatties. We order fucking 12 wings. I look down and the wings are gone. And I'm like, what the... And you're like, you weren't eating them. I go...

Yeah, I know because I was on the phone. I was going to eat them. It's a time sensitive thing. But it's not. So we had to make the Stabby rule. You can't eat the last one. You have to ask. You can't just make it. I couldn't eat the first or the last. You have to open up. You have to open up. You have to open up eating of a dish. I have to open up because I get one. And then I have to eat. You have to ask for the last.

I was asked for the last because you'd roll through a fucking egg roll platter and chicken wings would be gone and you'd look up like a little dog that ate chocolate. I didn't think you were going to have it.

I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? So we, yeah, we had that rule. But we ate like motherfuckers. That was a, I tell you what, when I toured with Louis in Europe this last time, right before I got the stomach surgery, the sleep surgery, I went to Europe and I. The farewell tour. Buddy. For the stomach. My God. The farewell tour. I had, I'll go through this meal with you a little bit. Please. I'm interested. We were in, I believe it was Norway. Norway.

And we stopped at this little tiny place. This guy, the promoter said, you have to go here. So we wound up, it's a little tiny place, hole in the wall place. You go downstairs, you know, regular dudes like him, literally like look like him. Tall, European fucking glasses of water. You know what I mean? Just a good looking guy, a little slow, but good, you know? So you go in, all of a sudden they start, we're just going to bring dishes over to you. Like it's one of those places. It's awesome. They're so confident. It's like,

Give me the menus. Yeah. You know, they saw Louie. Just give us the menus. We're going to rock your dick off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dick's going to come off. And what kind of cuisine are we talking about? So they come out, dude. I'm going to try to remember it all, but they come out. One of the dishes that they roll out of the gate with

Fried zucchini flowers. Love that. Whoa, whoa. Ready? With foie gras inside. Foie gras? Foie gras. Oh, my God. Buddy, you've been into this thing. Ricotta. You're used to ricotta. You're used to some kind of cheese. Foie gras. Foie gras. Foie gras.

You say it different every time. I'm trying to say it that way. I'm going to point to you what I need to say. It was fried zucchini with foie gras inside. And when you bit in the... Melted down your face like chocolate. So you... That's foie gras. It was coming down the... Oh, man. It was nuts. That's incredible. Okay, then the second dish. I'm salivating. Go ahead. Chicken skin. Chicken skin. Come on.

Come on. Chicken skin with cream, then caviar on top. Oh my God. That's the most decadent shit I've ever heard in my life. Bubba. Bubba, I was fucking losing my fucking mind. Chicken skin is the bread? The chicken skin was the bread, the cream, and then... Dude!

Dude, and then... That's incredible. Then they came over with a meat pie, but a legitimate... It was a pie, and it was so crusty, and you cut into it, and you're like, fuck my tits. Flaky, yep. It was so good. I mean, I have so many photos of it. Do you want to see some photos? I do actually want to see some photos of the meat pie.

I'm going to try to rule. I'm going to try to get these as quick as I possibly can. But brother, listen to me, dude. It was... And that's interesting because I usually hear that like Norwegian shit does not... Their cuisine is not that good. That it's all like... It might have been... Pickled and shit like... Didn't you go... It might have been Stockholm. Sweden. It might have been Sweden. Let me look. Either way, that sounds incredible. I was Sweden. Fuck me. Okay, dude. Okay, so look at that. That's chicken. Fried chicken skin. Oh.

With the creme. I'm about to bust. And then the... We'll put that. Text that to me. We'll put it on the episode. Okay. Well, let's... Okay. This...

Dude, these are little patties. That's not cake. That's fat. That's incredible. That's pork fat that they drizzle over these cheese sticks. Look at that, dude. It looks like a donut, but it's not a donut. It's pork fat. That's so decadent. That's incredible. It's a salty donut. Oh, my God.

Good for you, man. Wait, dude. Wait, look at this fucking pizza with egg. That's awesome. Dude, pizza with tomato. Oh, my God. Here we go. Ready? The best lobster roll I've ever had. I'm from Boston. I'm saying that. That's incredible. I'm from fucking Boston. Dude, the best lobster roll I've ever had. Then there it is right there, the foie gras. That's incredible. Zucchini flour with fried foie gras in it.

Fucking mental. Then bone marrow with steak tartare on top. Good God. On top. I need it. So bone marrow, steak tartare on top.

Where's he from, Boston? Steak Tata on top with the bread. That's incredible. Here's the thing. Everybody got their own. You didn't have to share. Everybody got their own little fucking plate. This was cream corn with shrimp. Knocked my dick off. There's the meat pie. That pie looks incredible. Dude, look at that with the sauce. That's incredible. The sauce. And then for dessert, dude, this shit was nuts. Ooh, a little wafer. Now here's this other thing. It looks like somebody's shitting a hole. It does. It does.

That does look like what happens after all this shit's in there. It literally looks like after this meal, you shit. They took mousse, chocolate mousse, the best chocolate mousse ever. They sprinkled cheese on it and olive oil. Buddy.

Buddy, I mean, you can't fuck with it. And this is the little tiny shit. Will you send me the pics so we can show the people? Of course I will. My mouth is watering right now. I got a fucking protein shake and a fucking pita bread from you.

I didn't know you were still eating. You didn't know I ate? I don't know. Maybe you have a fucking... I thought I was going to come over and there was going to be a fucking... I usually do have Greek food for a lot of people. I thought there would be a lot of shit here. I really did. Well, it's a little late, 9 o'clock. I'm leaving tomorrow for seven weeks.

I got to go fucking tour for seven months. I have no family. I have nothing holding me back except this gay statue and these three cameras and my Albanian fucking autistic friend. He's coming with. Are you going? Yeah. Oh, you're filming? Yeah. Oh, good. Good, good, good, good. He's hanging. So what's the deal? I met a guy who had, I don't know exactly the surgery he had, but-

He was like, he could barely eat. He was like, he would chew everything for like five hours. Well, I got, there's three surgeries. There's a bypass where they fucking literally rearrange your shit. The sleeve, the band where they put a band around it. But those two kind of, one is really invasive. The other one doesn't really fucking work. Gotcha. And then the sleeve where they just kind of make your stomach the size of a banana.

Right. So what happens with that is that, um, the reason why that's laparoscopic, you're out that day or the next day, it's not that invasive. Um, and, uh, or they do it by a robot. The guy who's just in the corner, fucking, you know, doing some, some fucking Ironman shit. Yeah. Listening to Led Zeppelin. Yeah. And I'm just going, but, um,

So that one, but what happens, they make your stomach small. There's two things. There's ghrelin cells in your stomach. So in theory, the ghrelin cells are what makes you hungry when you're not hungry. And the more big your stomach is, the fatter you are, the more cells you have. So in theory, it's not proven, but they think that when they make your stomach small, they remove a lot of those ghrelin cells, which helps you not...

Want to eat as much now you can't eat as much so you start out sipping on broth Protein shakes for a couple weeks then you move to creamy shit Then you move to like some chicken then you move to it and then on but I'm at the point now where I can eat Whatever I want I can have anything I want but I can't eat a lot still I can eat more than I did you you could like I can have more but you gotta be careful and

Because I look at it like when I quit drugs and alcohol, I went to rehab for 14 months. Right, right, right. You can't do that with food. Yeah. Don't I know it, brother. But my stomach can go to rehab. My stomach's in rehab while I walk around and still work. Still smelling. I'm still out there. Still smelling the smells. Well, I can work. I can go do my shows. Yeah. But my stomach is out here saying I can't...

I don't eat as much. I can't eat shitty food. I can't have sodas. Yeah. So it's like, it's in rehab kind of learning how to be again, be normal. I would love to go to fat rehab. I would love to go to fat camp. Yeah. That would be sick. Yeah. Just a bunch of fatties trying to finger fuck each other. That'd be great. There's some good pussy. There's some good pussy up under there. Get under, under the stomach. Hey baby, I know you in the Snickers bar under that tent, but I'm going to come in and eat your Snickers bar while you're sucking on that candy bar.

I think they would probably, yeah, eating disorder. Girls? Yeah, it would probably be a nice mix of fatties and girls with eating disorders. Two skinnies and two fat? I would be the king of a situation like that. Dude, but if it was all fats? I'll take all fats, too. I love a big girl. Me, too. Love them. I have a bit I'm trying to work out where it's like, it's not, I like big girls. It's not that I'm not attracted. I haven't dated a lot of them. It's not because I'm not attracted. It's because I don't have enough penis for two stomachs.

is that it's geometry. It's pure geometry. And it's true, man. You get in there, you got to really play the angles with a big girl. But dude, this is an opportunity to get on Shark Tank. I'm thinking some type of Velcro thing that would strap onto her gunt, wrap around her neck, come across onto your gunt,

And the closer you get, the more it pulls up. How about this? Spanx with a dick hole. Spanx with a dick hole. Spanx with a dick hole. Nah, because you know what? It's Occam's razor. The simplest solution. They got to be disposable. Because you...

They gotta be... I'm tossing these... You're cutting me... You're absolutely correct. Yeah, you're gonna cut me out like a prosciutto when we're done and we'll actually have some prosciutto and we'll throw these out. There needs to be like a ripcord in the back where when you're done it comes off. Like an Amazon package. Some of them have that thing. Yeah.

It looks like it's going to be hard, but it's not. I'm like, can you get it off? Yeah, this is an opportunity. I love that. I've been with a lot. One of my first girls I was with, I called her Kimba the White Lion. She was a moose.

I mean, why lions? I don't know. It doesn't connote obesity. I know. I just called her that was, I gave her a name, Kimba, the white lion. And she would come calling. Yeah. Like I'd be out with my friends and I would just see us standing on rocks across the field.

This fucking tight jean bitch with a fucking awful ass and weird tits. Just beckoning me. And I would go. You would go. I fucked her on train tracks once. Wow. Like on the rocks. Love that. She was just great. She was just a good old girl. Good to go. Yeah, just fun. Big girls are fun. And what age is this approximately? I was four. Four?

No, no, no. I think I had to be, damn, that's a good question, had to be seventh grade. Okay. Seventh grade when I was in, yeah, Lincoln Junior High. I got kicked out. I couldn't go to Hobbs because I had the whole eighth grade after me. The whole seventh grade was at me in sixth grade. They wanted to just kill me. What'd you do? I fought, they're fucking, one of their kids, one of the kids. Yeah. Yeah.

We were wrestling. I don't know. I maybe went too hard and he got hurt and all his brothers, his Puerto Rican brothers. Yeah. So I literally had, you know. A blood feud. Yeah. It was a vendetta. I was outside. Here's the problem. This is where a lot of my fear of life came in was back then because every day I remember I was a sixth grade. Every day I'd look outside after when school got dismissed and

And there would be 10 kids just waiting from seventh grade in the kid... Just to beat up. To beat the shit out of him. I mean, because Boston... Everybody talks about slums. Boston had white slums. Sure. Back in the day, Medford, Somerville, Charlestown. These are white slums. These are really... It's not the projects. Yeah. But nobody had money and everybody was fucking tough. And everybody...

Yeah. Family was tough. So it was really hard living, you know, to be a kid back then. It was hard, too. So I remember every day I was like, oh, they're going to kill me. I would have to stay under the stairs, hide from the janitor until like three thirty. Jesus. After like an hour. Yeah. Like an hour after school until they got tired enough. Like every day. And then I remember telling my mom, like, mom, I remember crying like, you know, so taxing. Yeah. I was just so like, fuck.

I'm gonna die. Like, they're gonna kill me. Every day you thought as a child you were gonna be executed. I was gonna die in sixth grade. Yeah. And then I remember my mom was like, you'll be fine. Because I grew up with Irish Catholic people, you know, and they went through harder shit than that. Yeah. Because you'll be fine. And I was like, well, you know. And that's where I learned, I learned anger and rage. Yeah.

And violence. Yeah. Because... To survive. It was the only way out. Yeah. And I remember I broke my wrist doing something. And I remember one of those kids who was bullying me caught me in the hallway while I was going to the bathroom. And I... Injured. Like a wildlife documentary. But it was perfect because I beat the fuck out of him with my cash. Yeah.

I lost it. I just went, and I smashed his face to where he was begging me, crying. Oh my God. And I wouldn't. And I was like, don't ever fuck with me again. And I remember going back to class with this bloody cast. Yeah. And, uh, and then, uh, you know, anybody with a cast on the right hand, please come down to the office. So I went down to the office. It was two other kids just crying. Yeah. I had blood all over mine. I did it. Sorry.

But that's where I learned, and it sucks that I was taught that. I was given that. That's where I was learned. Because I wish, like with Max, Max got a little altercation. And we have Max in jiu-jitsu.

He's learning from Igor Gracie. Oh, wow. Gracie's. Yeah. He's unbelievable. So he's up there doing that. And so he's learning how to, you know, kill somebody. Right, right, right. Choke him out. Well, I'm thinking that when people know that they can really hurt somebody, they don't. There's a certain confidence that goes with somebody that knows that.

Isn't jujitsu rumbling around and you'd have to get down on the ground and wrestle him? Yeah, put your face in somebody's asshole. I'm teaching my kid how to blow as we out of the situation. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not exactly punches. No, it's... It's like, come on, lay on top of me. I don't fuck you up, dude. You got to get on your... I'm going to get on my back. It's a little boring. It's grappling. Grappling. Well, it's actually the best fighting system because all fights wind up on the ground, mainly. So what happens is, you know, when somebody throws a punch or whatever, they take you to the ground and they'll basically rip your arm off or choke you out in a matter of seconds. It's really the best...

If you type in Jiu-Jitsu versus, it beats everything. Every form, boxing, kung fu, karate, all that shit. The Gracie's... There's a thing called the Gracie Challenge. You ever hear of that? I have not, no. Gracie Challenge. They were like, you could challenge a Gracie anytime, anywhere, and they would take it. Wow. And there's video of it on YouTube. And these guys just...

beat the fuck out of somebody in the sand. You know what I mean? Like on a beach. I don't know if you ever fought. I can't even walk on the beach. It's tough to walk on the beach, let alone throw a punch. Oh my God, you get sand in your ear? Yeah. But these guys, like wrestlers would come in and boxers and, you know, kung fu. The early UFC is very interesting because it would be a complete...

It was like a clash of different types. Well, that's what it was originally. The Gracies invented the UFC. Yeah. One of the Gracies with this other guy invented that because they knew that Hoyce was the smallest of them all. And they put him in there to prove that Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is better than anything. Yeah. And he won that first one against Shim.

Ken Shamrock was a... Dude, Pancrae's champion beast. I mean, you look at them physically. It was wild. One superhero. There was also a guy with one boxing glove. Who was there was hilarious. There was some fat guy who was some fat trucker just in jeans. There was a guy in boots. It was a really... UFC 1, watch it. It's wild. It's fucking crazy. Well, the guy with the one boxing glove was so crazy because...

He couldn't... When he got on the ground, he... They fucked him up. Well, he didn't have any... He couldn't fight him. He had no hand. Yeah. He had one hand. The other hand had just a thumb. Yeah, it was hilarious. The other guy... But the first one, they actually made a rule for the next one. The first... One of the guys went over and just...

fucking hammer fisted the guy in the nuts 17 times it's so crazy to watch the guy's dying he's smashing his nuts so the next one they'd be like alright no hitting the nuts no nuts

That's smart though You gotta take advantage of the nut rule If you can hit in the nuts Get hit in the nuts This guy went out and just smashed this guy on the balls 17 times With the back of his hand It's crazy Max knows that but he also knows I got you I'm there for you dude You might get hurt You might get into a fight but I got your back And you didn't have that at all

Single mom and you had step-step-dads. Yeah, at that time. You had abusive step-fathers. The first one was abusive. My first dad wasn't there. Second one was abusive. Third one, a little too late. I was already kind of gone at that point. Oh, that's right. I remember that story where it was like, he was nice and it was like, but you were already fucking fat bitches on the train tracks. I was already a piece of shit drinking and using drugs. And you were so little. I bet you it's like...

It would be... I mean, obviously it's sad, but it would be funny to just look at video of essentially a little kid. I was a little kid. Getting fucked up and getting pussy on train tracks. It's like insane to think about. Just this little kid who should have been like, you know, at after school club or whatever. Sure, yeah. Should have been playing like board games with his friends, playing foosball. Yeah. You were finger popping instead. Finger popping. And drinking wine. Yeah. Drinking communion wine. Yeah, Mad Dog 2020, baby. Yeah.

Bum juice. Bum juice was the shit. Because you got sober, what? 15. Crazy. Yeah, dude. When someone gets sober, before 21 is the rule, but before 18, you were a fucking lunatic. Well, yeah, dude. I remember flying back. I got arrested in Rochester. Okay. Which was the worst. How did you get to Rochester? Well, what would happen, my family, I went away the first time at 13, and my family wound up moving.

My mom was with Larry and my sister and they moved to Bensal in Pennsylvania. So when I got out of jail, I went with them. But I was still a ward of the state of Massachusetts. Oh, wow.

So anyways, I went there. I got into trouble there. A few months in, I broke a kid's arm. Right. A fucking idiot I am because I'm from Boston. He was looking at me. What the fuck are you looking at? Just an idiot. Yeah. Just a fucking idiot. Yeah. And his brothers were on the wrestling football team. So again, I had a group of...

Just dudes wanting to beat the shit out of me. A motif in your life, a theme in your life. Really, yeah. It was bad. It sucked. So I actually, when we went back to Boston for the first trip back, I ran away. And I wound up living on the streets for a while. Wow. And me and my friend Frankie wound up going into the Somerville Projects to get weed one night. And then we got our asses whooped.

Four men. Men? Yeah, I remember that. I was 13 and these four men were beating the shit out of me. I was blood head to toe. Wow. Blood head to toe. Frankie was bleeding internally. They were kicking him. They knew they could rob you. Well, they sold us the weed. Right. And then they came up to get it back. Right, right, right. So they basically sold us, got our money, robbed us, beat the fuck out of us. The beating is pretty unnecessary. Well, the beating was weird because...

They already got you. In the middle of it, they stopped. They were like, one of the big, the bigger, leave him alone. He's very, he's bloody. He's had enough. So he was like, where are you from? I'm like, and I'm like Medford,

He's like, oh, cool. What part? I'm like, West Mefford. He's like, do you know? And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a friend of my uncle's. You're bleeding. Yeah, bleeding. I'm 13. He's probably 28. Imagine hitting a fucking child when you're 28. So he's talking to me. It's fucking bizarre. And we're having this great conversation. And he just goes, all right. And he goes, you ready? And I go, yeah. And he just whacks me in the stomach.

Like Wile E. Coyote. Yeah, it was weird. And Roadrunner. It's like, all right, time to clock back in. So it was weird. We were leaving, me and Frankie. He's bleeding internally. He can't even walk. We're going to hop the fence to get back over to Medford. Yeah. And I remember I was so proud of myself that I didn't cry.

I was like, Frankie, I didn't cry. He's like, what? I'm like, I took a beating and I did. That's the first time I ever got my ass kicked and I didn't cry. And I was like, I was like, he's like, good for you, kid. This is awesome. He's bleeding. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. His pancreas has exploded. Yeah. So we wound up. So I went and he went in the hospital. I wound up visiting him two days later in the hospital and

And all of a sudden, the cop, the first guy, detective, to arrest me when I was like, I think I was like 10, I got arrested. And for stealing a, robbing a canteen truck. Wow. Of cigarettes and fucking Yoo-Hoo, I think, or something. Yeah.

When did you smoke your first cigarette? 10. It was for you. The cigarette was for you. Whiskey. First time I had whiskey when I was 10. That's a funny combo is cigarettes and Yoo-Hoo. Yeah. That's all he had. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mmm, a little chocolate milk next. Let's watch He-Man. So, well, I went into the hospital to visit him and the guy stuck his head in. He goes, Bobby, let's go. And I was like, fuck, I got caught.

So as we're leaving, he's like, why would you ever, if you know you wanted, why would you ever kick a vending machine in the hospital? I go, I didn't kick a vending machine. I was visiting Frankie. He goes, I got the wrong guy. And I was like, well, can I go? He goes, there's a warrant out for you to go. So I went back to jail.

Wow. I went back to jail. Some other guy kicked a vending machine? Stupid cunt. Oh my God. Sorry for swearing like that. I don't want to get you demonetized. It just really bugs me. I know. Really bugs you. It's brutal. So I went back to jail. Yeah.

And I went back to... So anyway, let's talk in detail about a man beating a child. That's fine. But God forbid we say cunt. I know. Keep detailing the horrific child abuse you had, Bobby. And, you know, something safe for the algorithm. Oh, fuck. So, yeah, because then you basically just...

Spent a lot of your adolescence in juvie. You get sober. I got sober. I was up in Rochester working on a farm. Wow. I got a job on a farm through the state. Five days a week, I would wake up at... This is like a Great Depression life, by the way. It was crazy. You grew up in the fucking, what, 80s, 70s? Yeah.

70s and 80s. 70s and 80s, and you lived like a kid in 1910. You're like, I robbed a truck for cigarettes, and they put me in jail in Rochester, so I had to work it off on a farm. Once Ma settled down with Larry, they didn't want nothing to do with me. Your life is like a shitty Steinbeck novel. Like a first draft. Yeah.

Yeah, I worked at... I had to wake up at the crack of fuck to drive my bike. Crazy, dude. Like four miles up into the country of Bensalem, Pennsylvania. Wow. Upstate, near Rochester. And I would work on this farm, but this farm...

I wound up just falling in love with the animals and the responsibility. Wow, interesting. I got so tired at the end of the day, I couldn't go out and do all that shit. Anyways, I wound up making money, and me and my mom were getting along, and Larry. They were like, gee, I was really doing it, you know what I mean? And I didn't have time to go party. But then, of course, I did, and I got fucked up again. I wound up ripping off gumball machines.

Again, these are hilarious. I mean, it's tragic that all the crimes are funny. It's like you ripped off a gumball machine. The cops are like, did you take him? And you're like, no. And then you walk and it's like, just pockets full of quarters. Well, the cop actually said he had a shotgun to my head. And he goes, if he moves, shoot him. What?

And I literally went, it was gum. You know what I mean? You fucking redneck pop up in fucking Rochester. Yeah. I was so like, whatever. Yeah, yeah. But that jail sucked. Yeah. That jail was the worst. And I remember when I was there for like a week and a half. And you were a number. It was terrible. Yeah. It was really bad. For some reason, I felt like I met Mike Tyson up there as a juvenile. Probably not. It was 100% not. Yeah.

It wasn't even lined up. Yeah, yeah. But I remember being in a jail cell with this black kid. Yeah, he was 20 in 89. Yeah, I... He was like 21 in 89, I think. Yeah, well, I was... I got sober in 85, 86. Oh, okay. Yeah, like this... You know, it's just feasible enough. We were in a cell together. Uh-huh. And it was like him. Yeah. But it was upstate New York. Look up how old Mike Tyson is, Elders.

52, 53 maybe? Okay, we'll figure it out. It's weird. What if it was him? That'd be wild. And I see him, he's like, Bobby, you too? I mean, dude...

I don't know. What are you, 55? 52, fuckface. 52, sorry. You look fantastic. You do, you look great. Honestly, I went from his age and subtracted one to be nice. Yeah, no, I'm 52. I was hoping that you and him were in the cell together. I don't think it's possible. But, anyway. He just sucked off a different black guy with a lisp. Which is not gay. Okay.

Because of the lisp. Yeah, the lisp cancels it out. That's gay, doing something gay, ipso facto, they cancel out. If he said this, that's a woman. That's a female. And that's her pussy. But I remember they flew me back. They had to fly me back to Boston because I was ward of the state. And I remember at 15 getting on the plane with a pack of Marlboro Red. Mm.

and sitting in the smoking section. Right, right, right. And asking for a light. And I remember the stewardess coming over and I was like, hey, can I get a match? And she was like, yeah, sure. And she went, Matt, could you imagine looking at a... You'd be a child. And I'm literally just smoking a Marlboro Red at 15 on a plane. Yeah. And they got me the light to light it. Yeah, yeah. What a better American. Yeah.

I mean, that's fucking freedom. Yeah, it really is. That was fucking... Straight from child jail to smoking a cigarette on a plane. 70s, 80s, 90s. Cop puts a gun to your head for stealing gum. That's the America I miss, baby. That is. That's the America I miss. When you can light up on a plane as a kid. Yeah, you're one redneck's bad mood away from being executed. Yeah.

Yeah, baby. Rock and roll. Fucking pussies. Let's defund them. I ain't gonna catch other people stealing gum. I love it. I mean, it really is. It's an insane... And you delved into it, but it's like, that is such an untapped thing. I can't seem to tap into it through comedy. Yeah. And I would love to do it. It's honestly...

I feel like the one man show thing is a cop out that some people do but I think in your case it's a real thing you're a great actor right you're you know it would be a hilarious show it's not like it wouldn't be funny and then you don't have to go on the road you get to do it in New York you get to fucking are you fucking retiring me from stand up can I get I just want a piece I got a couple points on this yes I want to be the EP of your one man show oh yeah sure yeah we'll get the fucking Albanian to try to push a button somewhere

Yeah. No, I've thought about it. I got to do, you know, with this whole fat thing too. It's like there's so many people that are actually doing this surgery now that I know. Because I came out of the closet with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like being gay. Sure. It's exactly the same. Oh, it is, man. This surgery. Fat people want to, you know, because you get it. People are like, oh, you look good, man. You're doing it. I'm like, yeah. But inside, I know I'm gay. I did see that.

I mean, you're also probably gay. That could be part of it. Your eyes are too expressive. Call my wife and she'll tell you I'm 100%. It was funny because we did the podcast while you were in... If I grab my chest at all, I'm throwing my phone into a lake. Literally, wherever I am, I'm tossing this phone. There's no way this bitch is getting on my browse of history. Yeah.

You got to fucking do in private mode, Bob. What's that? I'll teach you all about it. Please. I got nervous the other day. I typed in X for this thing and just fucking what? I was like, I jerked off to that? I was like, oh my God. Bobby tried to search Sharon Stone, but he stopped at the SH. And boy, did he have some things pop up. The TRA. Yeah.

Can't type in L. Lady, lady something. Can't type in boy. I was looking for lady fingers. I was trying to make dessert. Sheridan Hotels and no go. Sheridan Hotels. You better be quick with the R. That's all I know.

Be fast with the R. Yeah. That's so fucking great, Bob. I mean, yeah, it's just so... And then what's very interesting is that the, like... So you do kick the addictions that have you basically in jail. Sure. And then you live probably, like...

You manage a whole other host of addictions for probably 20 years, ending with food. But before that, it's sex and then, you know, cigarettes, you know. Yeah, food was the first one, though. Of course. It's the most primal one. I think food is the first one for a lot of people. My first time I got fat was sixth grade, in that time where the kids were going to beat me up. I had no friends.

And when I, you know, it was, it was my, my mom got divorced from the guy who was abusing us and she had to work seven days a week and blah, blah, blah. And I was alone. I had no friends. I had nobody, man. Nobody looked out for me. Nobody checked up on me and people just assumed I was okay, but I wasn't. And that's when I found food. Food really became a friend very quickly. Um, when I was alone, I could eat.

And it really fucked me up. My first fat was kind of sad. But my sixth grade teacher, Mr. DiPersio. DiPersio. Yeah, I loved him. Italian guy. Yeah, beautiful name. Was into running. And I remember we did the sixth grade Olympics.

And I was fat as shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember he really, he actually went to my father's son potluck supper and went as my dad. Yeah. Because I didn't have one at the time. And then I remember that when we went to the Olympics and there was the 440, which is once around the track. Yeah. And he came up to me and we were doing it against other junior highs. And there was this shredded black kid on the other sixth grade team, whatever the sixth grade team was.

from I think North Medford or something. And I remember he was like, Kelly, come here.

And he gave me that fucking, you know, that football coat. He goes, I want you to win. Yeah. I want this medal. I want this 440. Yeah. I want you to go out there and you win this for me, Kelly. Yeah. You got it? And I was like, I got it, Mr. D. Yeah. And I remember I was running so fast and I felt that kid and he started to pass me and I just, I just, I'm getting this for Mr. D. Yeah.

And I won. Wow. I won the 440. Holy shit. Everybody was like, what the fuck? It took everything I had. It collapsed immediately. My tits were sweating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it just sucked, but I got it. Wow. And he was like, that's it, Kelly. Yeah. And it was like the greatest, one of the greatest childhood experiences I had. And then I started running marathons. Wow.

He got me into running. And I remember I ran a mile and then I ran a 5K. And I lost, I started losing the weight because, you know, I had somebody. Something positive. And then I went to seventh grade and fucking started doing Vicodin and fucking alcohol and whiskey. Fucking Denunzio wasn't that good a teacher, it sounds like. DiPersio. DiPersio. Whatever the fuck. Denunzio. It's a better name. We'll put that in the movie. The one minute show. Denunzio. Denunzio.

Kelly, I want you to win. But yeah, I remember that. That was my first fat. It was a terrible, terrible time, man. I would go in the basement. I couldn't go to school. I would go in the basement and...

I would sleep in the corner I had a pillow and a blanket In the corner Just a dusty cement Dirty basement floor But I had little bags Of treats I had like Susie Q's Yeah Because the devil dog Was too dry Yeah of course And a ring ding Was too decadent Susie Q just right Yeah like The fat Goldilocks It was just right It was more Yeah Right Yeah

And I would have my little treats. Yeah. And I would go down there and, you know, watch a little TV and I'd have my little snacks that were my friends and made me feel good. Of course. Something to go to, you know what I mean? I know, but I mean, when it's like, when shit gets stressful, it's like I find myself...

Just wanting to have a fucking pizza, a fucking scoop of ice cream, a whole thing of ice cream, and then just zone the fuck out. Nothing better. That's why I never get the name morbidly obese. It's like, dude, I was never morbid. I was the happiest. I remember when I was naked in a hotel with a pizza, pizza on one tit, and I had clam chowder on my other tit.

I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Now I'm morbid. I can only have a half a sandwich and then I want to dump. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. I love a snack. And nothing else is as bad.

It's like even like drugs and sex or whatever. It's like they can, but food is always there and it's so easy to slip into. Well, food is, yeah, like I say, you can't, they don't celebrate holidays with heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like food is the motherfucker. Yeah. Because you, this, and the older you get, the more little celebrations you have.

Of course. The more little birthdays, the more little anniversaries. You know, when you're young, it's Christmas, Thanksgiving. Yeah. And you're out. Yeah. You know, that's your birthday maybe. Good to go. But when you get older. Anniversary. Oh, everything. And then. Retirement party. It's fucking death. I mean, death. And food is. I mean, dude, I'm glad I got the surgery because I can eat.

Like Dawn made her meatloaf last night. It's like, I ain't giving that up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I'm giving up, I gotta give up drugs, alcohol, pussy, and meatloaf. Just fucking kill me. Yeah, what's the point? Yeah, fucking blow me, shoot me up with heroin. I ain't fucking, I ain't doing it. I can eat that stuff. I just gotta be careful with it. Yeah. No, you'll be good. Yeah, no shit. There's so much we could talk about. And we'll get it. You gotta come back. We gotta talk. Because there's so many great stories of the like,

I mean, again, they're sad, but it's like...

Stories you told me were on the road about when you had the sex addiction stuff, the places that would lead you. It was bad, but a couple funny ones in there too. Well, sex addiction is a tough one because it's fun. I got a lot of great stories. I mean, I was a professional. I remember me and Gary Gellman were driving in Boston and there was a girl walking to the gas station. She's a hooker.

And he was like, what? I go, hang on. I pulled over. She was using the pay phone. I walked over to use the pay phone. I go, she's a hooker. He goes, how do you know? I go, her knuckles. Her knuckles. He's like, what? I go, you got to look at a chick's knuckles. If they get little ashy, dirty knuckles, it's a whore. It's a streetwalker. Sure enough, she started walking up the street. I go, you want a ride? She goes, yeah. She ate my ass for $22. What was Gary doing? I dropped him off.

I love it. Sex is a bad one too. It's a bad one, yeah. But now, dude, beautiful life. Love my wife so much. You're great. Great dad. Love Dawn. I love being a dad. I didn't become a man until I had a son. Until I had my kid. That's when I really was like, oh shit. Because, you know, I mean, I'm still a fuck up. I'm still fucking whacked. But he's so good. Like even last night, we had a...

I said something. I said something. He was being an asshole. Yeah. Which kids will be. Of course. And I raised my voice. And I was, you know, I got that thing. Sure. You know what I mean? I forget sometimes. I got that. An anger problem. Well, it's an anger problem, but it's also my tone, my regular tone to people who don't. Yes. It's kind of a Boston thing. Of course. Where it's like, hey.

Shut the fuck up. To me, that's normal. It's a scare off a pack of Puerto Ricans. Timber in your voice. Timber. Hey, you fucking cocksucker. Shut the fuck up. But sometimes, but last night it was like your tone was unnecessary. Wow.

and then i said something and he goes in to hurt my feelings and i'm like i i but here's the greatest thing i went you're right yeah i i raised my tone i apologize and i will i will try to be aware of that if you can do me a favor and try to listen and i'm like i got a kid who will talk yeah who will express his feelings and

And he's got somebody who listened. Yeah. Who's not going to just tell him everything's fine. Relax. Yeah. And I will admit that, you know what? Your dad isn't perfect too. I will. You know what I mean? Of course. I am so happy that I have that with that kid and my wife. Yeah. She was there too. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, passive aggressive twat sometimes. They suck the fun out of stuff. Yeah.

Max came home the other day. I see him on the ring cam. He peed on the house. I mean, we have two bathrooms. He's five seconds away from... I see him with his... Sebastian will be right there. Walks up to the front door. You know my front door. Walks over to the ring cams right there. Whips his little pecker out. You can hear it hitting the siding. All of a sudden, Don goes, what are you... You can hear it in the window. What are you doing? He goes, I'm taking a piss.

I got it on video. I'll show you the video. You want to see the video? I do, yeah. Can I show it to you? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Dude, this fucking kid. Now, I'm howling at this. Of course, it is hilarious. I'm howling, but Dawn is mad at it, but I'm like, listen, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. Listen, you got to hear this shit too. I'll see if I can. Here we go, ready? It's a dash.

Wait, now his mother catches him. Look, he's pulling his shirt up. Look. Watch.

I'm taking a piss. I love it. I got a good kid, man. He's a good kid. Why don't we take some of this fatherly advice and bring it to our callers? What do you say? I can't wait to talk to you, Vince. Let's do it. Let's do it. We need this. We've had a father, but he's a father of a young. We've had Mike Racine. We haven't had a father who's actually raised a child yet. So let's hear it. Here's our first one.

No, every time, every single time this happens. I just have a quick question. Okay. My boyfriend is kind of into butt stuff and me too, completely consensual, but he's only really into me receiving and I'm trying to get him into being the one that's into receiving. I've heard that prostate stimulation is, um,

earth shatteringly great I don't have one but I've heard through other people that it is my question just is how do I get my boyfriend to see the light it's not interesting it's easy yeah Bob you want to take this one next time you are going down on him eat his asshole like a fucking cream pie

Go down there. Whatever favorite pie you like, apple, Boston cream, pumpkin, go down there and... Give it a lick. Start licking. Start with a lick. Lick it, lick it, and then as soon as he goes, oh, God, what's that? What's that? No, no, no. Just go fucking gush.

And then that's it. And then stop. And stop. Stop. Don't. Just let him. Oh, interesting. Stop. And go back to his dick. And make him ask for it. Don't do it again. First one to talk loses. I'm not going to have a better perspective than Bobby on this one. No.

I've only ever had a finger in my ass put in combatively. I've never had it put in. Dude, I've had girls who literally just ate my ass. Just? I used to date a girl at the cellar, the bartender. This Puerto Rican girl, smoking hot. Everyone would be... She'd be like, I'd go meet her at the cellar, like in the afternoon. And we'd go outside, smoke a cigarette. She'd be like, all right, well, let me go eat your ass. We'd go up to my place...

And I would get on all fours like an animal. Yeah, you were on all fours. I remember one time she went down and ate my ass. Then she slapped me on the butt like this. Go wash your ass. It's not clean. And I went in...

And I cleaned my ass. I was like, okay. And I cleaned it, came back, and she gave a little swipe. That's good. And she went back to it. Yeah. Now, you say that was the whole base of your sexual relationship? With her, yeah. I had a couple girls. Now, you would bust from getting your ass seen? Mm-hmm. I say, I say, I say yes. I say, I say yes, I, yes, sir. Yes, I done bust right down there, sir. I say, I say, yes, I have. Mm-hmm.

No getting jacked. Oh, no, they'd touch my penis, of course. But yes, I would bust up down. What was the trombone? Yeah. Oh, God, dude. Yeah. Of course. Very nice. That was my thing. I mean, I wouldn't do it now to anybody because it looks like an elephant's knee pad. Your back. That doesn't come back. The asshole doesn't spring back. No, that does not. It's like a waistband. It's elastic. Once it's been stretched out, it's not bouncing back.

Nah, that looks good. That's like a fat black girl's elbow. Just ashy. Your ass looks like Precious. Yeah, yeah. You know that little band? Gabourey Sidibe's elbow. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. You're a gabberay cinnabar. Fucking what's up, dude? Thank you. What a pull. Thank you. Thank you. So you heard that. Start. Eat his ass just a little bit. You want to get down there. Peak his interest. You want to get down there with your forces, like the Navy SEALs. They get in there. They get down. They're doing this. All of a sudden, they're distracted. Then when you get down, you get in that perimeter, you fucking...

And then as soon as you're done, you get the fuck out. Eldest, you've never had your ass eaten, right? I think I have, yeah. Oh, that's right, you have. I think I have. Yes, he doesn't just have things. I have, I have, I have. And it felt good. You needed a hair dryer and a comb.

and some Aquanet to get down his ass. Dude, I felt bad. I don't know how or why someone would try that. She needed a limb pressure tongue after she was dressed. Like somebody doing cornrows. She had to just pull it.

Yeah. She had a black lady go, hey, pretty lady, you want me to braid this bum for you so you can get in there and live your way? Give him some straight backs. Let his asshole look like Allen Iverson so I can get to it. All right, let's hear another one, Eldis. Hmm.

I gotta get my ass eaten. I can't believe I haven't. Such a great thing. But you gotta wash. I'll wash. You gotta clean. You gotta wipe. You gotta nice. It felt good, but I feel like I never really, you know, really locked in with it or took it to a point. It was just dabbling. It's all right. Some people are just meant to dabble. I had one massage parlor where the chick just put a glove on as soon as she saw me. She humbled some Chinese. Hunta. Hunta. Hunta.

Foon fag, foon fag. The way you can tell a hooker in a gas station, she can tell somebody wants his ass eaten. She can tell a lightly closeted man. Lightly? I used to wrap my legs around her finger. Hit us, Eldis. Hey, thotty baby, what's up? This is going to sound annoying to complain about in any way, but I was...

clubbing in Vegas and I had by God's grace I was propositioned by two college seniors 22 years old to have a three-person party okay I'm 34 they're both fucking nine out of ten just you know as good as it gets but the thing is I'm kind of obsessing over it and no shit life kind of sucks in general

And I don't really know how to move forward. I feel like I'm never been so sure that my life is careening downhill from here on out. You're right. And I feel like I will avoid love at all costs at the one in a billion chance that something like this happens again. So how do I just take the win and fucking move on with my life? Because I cannot stop moving.

Thank you. You're the best. Here's the thing. You're never going to stop thinking about this. You're going to be dying, and your grandchildren will be like, what are you thinking about, Papa? And you'll have to pretend it's about, like, their grandmother. Because what you'll be thinking about on your deathbed is getting double sucked by two college seniors. That's it. This is the best moment of your life. This is, you have peaked.

What did he say? He's 34? It's not happening. This is the height of your sexual career. Yeah. And now you move on to another phase of your life. Yeah, I told you before, pussies die. And you're 34. Whatever girl you're going to wind up with is going to be around 30-something. By the time you get your shit together, her pussy is literally almost going to be in hospice. So...

This right here was given to you from the gods. Right. From the pussy gods. A farewell gift. Yeah. So you need to remember it and burn it into a hard drive. Yes.

Burn it into one of your mind. Yes. So when you get Alzheimer's or whatever the fuck it is, a dementia, and you can't remember your dumb kid's name, you'll remember Kathy and Terry. Yeah. The two 20-year-olds. And you'll remember that night when they sucked you a mediocre pecker in a fucking hotel room. Yes.

I'd love to know the story here. What happened? I know. Well, you know, I don't know, but... He was propositioned. Two college seniors, which is awesome. They're 22. And they have a three-person. I'm 34. Both...

Fucking 9 out of 10 Which is nuts And this guy doesn't sound like a shadrull He sounds like he might be a good looking guy too Alright looking And a 9 out of 10 would be a 9 out of 10 It could be or they could be He could get no pussy And we're talking about 6 and a half And he's on Molly And you're in Vegas She could have a hair lip Has anybody opened up a credit card in your name Is your social security card still safe

Run a credit check before you start celebrating. Yeah, with the Albanian girls? Yeah. That's how you get all these cameras? Yeah.

yeah dude please listen you need to just remember that enjoy it i would figure out some type of tattoo maybe 22 22 yeah 22 slash 9 yeah yeah that you can look down at your ankle your gay ankle when you're 47 and you'd be like oh man remember that yeah remember that i know yeah but to say that you want to avoid love for

For the one in a billion chance. That's crazy. It's not going to happen, pal. You're not this guy. You're not a three. Clearly, he's not a threesome guy. It really wasn't one in a million chance. And look, start your new life. Start the next phase of your life. Yeah. It's over. Yeah, dude. Like if you did this in Missouri or like Montana, you ran into 220. It's Vegas. Yeah. Yeah. That's not an odd thing. Did they sleep in your hotel room when maybe they were fucking for shelter?

It's a possibility. Dude, 100%. I had two fat chicks play Truth or Dare on my dick. And what's that other game? Trust Me? Trust Me? Trust Me? What's that do? Two fatties with three fat people in a king-sized bed in Mohegan Sun. Just suck it. Then one game of the flu, I almost died.

That's hilarious. I have also shared a king bed with two fatties. Jesus Christ, that's fantastic. Can't find it on any porn genre. There was a lot of weight on that king bed, brother. Thank God that was not a load-bearing bed.

Good luck. We're rooting for you, pal. Yeah, dude, listen. Don't stop thinking about it. But that's the key. Don't stop thinking. You're thinking of this all wrong. It's not a bad thing. It's a beautiful thing. You'll think about it. You might be thinking about it when you get married. That's okay. In fact...

Yeah. You're going to need that to come on your wedding night. That's what I was going to say. If you're ever feeling sad and like you have to fake happiness, God gave that to you. Yes. You don't care that your son got 100% on his spelling test. Think about these four tits you saw in Vegas. Yeah, dude. You're good to go. You're golden for the rest of your life. And then when you walk your wife in, you carry her through the thing and she's on the bed and you take that stupid dress off her and you can't get it up because you love her but you don't like her.

You're going to think of these two girls and they're going to get you through your night with your wife. And you'll be able to close your eyes and think of them and then open them at the last second and look at your beautiful wife and go, I love you. I love you. Yeah, you got to give from God. Don't look at this negatively. Not at all. Enjoy yourself. What's the best? Do you have one? Do you have something locked in the chamber that's the good one? I got a lot of them.

I did some I did a lot of weird shit Yeah yeah yeah I was into a lot of Weird stuff That's great Yeah I loved I loved Sharing Sharing Sharing Like swapping

Or sharing a girl with a friend. I liked when a girl, look it, I liked when a girl I liked, I knew she liked somebody else. You know what I mean? And I'd be like, it's okay. You would allow her to get fucked. I would allow it, yeah. And there's a power to that. Well, it's her power, not mine. Interesting. It's hers, not mine, because you have all the power. I don't have any of it.

You know what I mean? So you like the powerlessness? Yeah, I like the powerlessness. I didn't like to get hit. Sure. I had tried that a couple of times. One girl handcuffed me instead of slapping me. I ripped out of the handcuffs and fucking was like, fuck you. And then I put her on the handcuffs and I left for two hours. I went and got dinner.

She was so mad when I came back. Yeah. But we fucked like motherfuckers. That's a pretty good one. Yeah, I like sex with me. I like dirty stuff. I like weird. Not too crazy, but I don't mind. You know, like I remember one time I was dating this girl and she was like, I want you to piss on me. Sure. And right in the middle of the conversation, my real dad, we had a relationship at the time. We kind of rekindled our father. And he called me up. I'm like, hang on a second. And I clicked over. I go, hey, dad.

This girl wants me to piss on her. Like, what the fuck? Your biological father. My biological father. Who had left, who had abandoned you as a baby. Was there for this one. And I said, well, this is the greatest advice he ever gave me. He said, I go, what would you do? Would you piss on her? He goes, well, look, I wouldn't get a gallon of water and muster up a piss. But if I had to go, yeah. Why the fuck not? Yeah.

Very pragmatic. I mean, it really made sense. Like, yeah, dude, I'm not going to go and try to piss on this chick. But if someone said I have to piss and I had to pee, yeah. Sure, let it free. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think we've all been there where you're getting your dick sucked in, you kind of have to piss. 100%. And you're like, this would be convenient if you were into piss, getting pissed on. Sure, if you were into it. Who's not? My problem is I don't have a great stream.

You don't want to dribble on the side. You have a diabetic stream. It's not good, but it tastes awesome. You're right. This fat fuck tastes like honey. I'm drinking Fanta. I feel like I'm blowing a beehive right now. You know, so Patrice found out he had diabetes. Yeah, that's a great joke. Oh, my God. He was pissing on his girl, and she's like...

It tastes like Lucky Charms. I think that's on the Mr. P special. Or was that on Elfin in the Room? I don't remember. So good, though. Let's keep them rocking here, Eldest. I know you got some good ones for us. What up, Saudi lady? Um...

I've been listening to you since you first released your first Stuyvesant World podcast. Love what you're doing. Keep it up. Love the special too. Looking forward to the next one. So I'm 28 years old, and for the first 25 or so years of my life, I was about 150 pounds. Never been ripped or anything, but I've always been pretty skinny and thought I'd have that metabolism forever. I know what a naive, dumbass kid thought that is.

So I've put on about 60 pounds since then, and I realize it's not a ridiculous weight, but definitely a big change for me from an appearance perspective and is something that people who I know from the past can obviously notice.

it hasn't completely deteriorated my self-confidence, but it's for sure something I'm self-conscious about. Sounds like it. So being a newly fat man in this world, I was hoping you could give me some advice about what the world would look like for me going forward. And if you have any advice about how to navigate through life, I guess I'm just trying to decide if I'm going to commit to being fat or buckle down and figure out a way to lose the weight. But it would be much appreciated. Thanks, sir. What am I, a fat Sherpa? Yeah.

You are the guy. You're right. I guess you're right. You're the fattest guy in comedy right now. I'm sorry. Yeah, you fucked me on that one. I'm sorry, dude. I thought I was golden. I know. I know. I fucked you, son. I'm sorry. God damn it. You really did. Well, look. It is... First of all, this thing where he says skinny and I thought I had metabolism. I know...

When I eat like a dumbass and I put on 60 pounds since then and I realize it's not a ridiculous way. 210. So he's 210. He's like, I'm not the fattest guy of all time. It's not ridiculous. No, it's six babies. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Listen to me. Yeah. Go carry, that's, you know, that's three 20-pound turkeys. Yeah. I want you to go to the store. Yeah. Put them in a backpack. I want you to grab three 20-pound turkeys. Yeah.

Not even put them in the back down. Hold them around your waist. That's what you're doing. It's not good. Stop it. Yeah. Stop it now. Yeah. Right there. Somebody gets one fucking surgery. He's calling people tubs of shit. You're David Goggins all of a sudden. You wake up and fucking do it. Look in the mirror. You're right. Yeah.

It's good. You're strong, too. I hate your fucking... You hate me now that I'm skinny. No, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. You don't like me now. I don't hate you. I just felt it. No, no, no. No, no. That's not what you felt. I felt it. That's not what you felt. You hate me. I don't hate you. Don't play the victim. Don't play the victim. I got one on you, and you don't like it. That's what that is. Yeah. You got one on me. You got two on me. Maybe five. Fatty. Fatty.

No, dude. Now, but look, Bobby is actually correct. I mean, first of all... 60 pounds is a lot. 60 is not, you know, 210 is not the craziest weight, obviously, to be. For what?

You really have forgotten your roots. Dude, he's 4'2". Like I haven't split six appetizers with you many times. I'm with you, dude. But I got to tell you, it's not like you put on 20. Sure, sure, sure. Not 30. I'll give him 30. You're right, you're right. He's 60. 60. You know what that is? 60's a lot. That's a 50.

That's a seven-year-old. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to help this guy. You're right. And listen, when you put it that way, when you put the turkey analogy, hurt me. Because what you heard was me lashing out at you. Because this guy weighs 80 pounds less than me. You know what I'm saying?

And you're like, you fat fucking cocksucker. You got three turkeys. You have nine turkeys. I got nine turkeys. And you know what? You said that. I was like, damn, that does suck. I've carried turkeys before. I've carried one big one. That was fucking annoying. You ever go to Thanksgiving carrying that dumb turkey around? It stinks. I know.

I know. I get a lot of turkeys. You have seven turkeys? Seven turkeys or seven big ones. Yeah, well, dude, I was... Seven juicy ones. Yeah, you could feed like a battered woman's shelter. I'm like a gang throwing the turkeys to the hood on Thanksgiving. I mean, look, I only know I was bigger than everybody. Yeah. 350 something, so... No, but... 60 pounds is not a... It is a ridiculous amount of weight. It's...

So he probably means he doesn't look fat as shit yet. That's probably what it means. Right, which is dangerous. It is very dangerous. That is very dangerous because that has happened to me before where I'm like,

Oh, my habits are bad, but I haven't gained the weight. And then one day you wake up, you've gained 80 pounds. And that's the problem is nobody tells you. Yeah. Nobody will say anything. They say it all behind your back. 100%. It's all like, have you seen Stav? I know what the fuck happened. Hey Stav, how you doing buddy? You look good. And you know there's the fat angles that you give yourself. You only look in the mirror the one specific angle where you don't look that fat. Well, let's not be crazy. I still have...

I still have a turkey and a half left. Yeah, yeah. I'm not in shape. Right, right, right. I'm still A-shape. Let's not get carried away. I know there's people watching around, he's still fat. I know, I know, I know. Who are these people exactly? They're just very thin douchebags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From what part of the world? They're from down south, above Mississippi.

below to the right or left and above South Carolina North Carolina not on the coast but inside on inland so that's why I'm still a fat motherfucker because I like turkey just like anybody else now it's Richard Pryor now I'm mud born

So look, he's what you're asking is like, I love that. You're like, should I, should I buckle down and live the fat lifestyle? No, no pal. It's like, here's, that's the reality. If you could get out of it. And also you're not built for it. You,

You're not... You know what I mean? You're not... You don't have the joints. You don't have the lower body strength. Yeah, you don't have the ligaments. You're a lollipop, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a lollipop with a fucking weird stomach, probably. You gotta send out calves. Yes. We could actually build the pyramids with our calves. I got a tree... We got tree trunks going here. Yeah, look at those fucking things. I still got them. Yeah, it's nice. So...

If you could lose the weight, lose the weight, obviously. But look, there's nothing wrong. The reality is life is not hard for a fat guy in America. Most people are. The funny thing is, you're right, Bob. But at 210 in America, he's like he's 160 in France. Yeah. You know what I mean? He's like. In Scandinavia, you're a fucking tub of shit. They use you in a circus. Oh, 100%.

So I would try and come back if you have that ability. Come back. Go back, dude, while you can. You're not meant to be here. Dude, 20 more pounds. Dude, you ain't going to be able to click your little heels and come home.

That's a good point. 60 is actually, you're right at the precipice. You're right there. You're right at the precipice, my friend. You're right there, dude. Please come home. Go back. Go back. You're not meant to be here. You're not meant to be here. Go home. Yeah. Trust from the cowardly lion and the tin man over there. I should say tin personality. Yeah.

He's just got to press the buttons, Bob. Don't worry about it. He has the ability to small talk like a fucking phone booth door. I'm kidding. You're a great guy. I can't talk to the guests. I don't allow the Albanian to make direct eye contact with the guests. I apologize. You can't.

Unless I was a train. Yeah, I think, dude, you're right there. Go home. Just go home. Go home. You're not meant to be here. Yeah, go home, dude. Whatever you got to do, whatever you got to talk to. This is like when you run away, like a girl runs away and blows Charles Manson. She's like, should I stay? And I'm the one, I'm his main bitch. I'm like, you're not cut out for this. We're like the old gang members. Yes, sir. Go home, man. It's early for you, man. Dude, you know what I mean?

You don't want to live this life. Yeah, yeah. You don't got the life, man. Don't put the tattoo on him, man. He's a little kid. Send him home. Homes, come on, homes, go home. Go home to mama. You don't got what it takes. You think you got what it takes? You want to fuck around? You could eat a whole pizza, have ramen, bread, and then cookies. You think you got that in you? You think you can walk up and fit in a plane seat and use the extender?

You think you got that in you? I don't think you got it in you. I don't think you got it, bro. Nah. You ever fucking order 95 boxes of Girl Scout cookies and eat them all and not give them to anyone? Even the ones you don't like? You don't got it in you, bro. You don't got it, Essie. No, Essie. No, go on, brother. You ever fight one of your friends for the last chicken wing? Yeah. Go toe-to-toe in a fucking Applebee's at 1.30 in the morning? Yeah.

He doesn't have it in him. Nope. Hit us with another one, Elders. Hit us. Get us a nice juicy one. Oh, God. All right. Hi, Savvy. I'm from the Midwest, and I have had a husband for 15 years. I'm 43 years old. Okay. And recently, I had a boyfriend from high school start texting me, actually sexting me, and I never respond back.

with anything sexual back to him i kind of just laugh it off okay but he recently told me that he has cancer he's had cancer in the past and what the i know he's been sick and in the hospital and now his cancer's back and he only has a few months left he's lying and he wants to sleep with me

Now I am married. So obviously that wouldn't be a great idea, but on the other hand, he's also dying.

What do you think? Wait, I'm sorry. Is your pussy John Cena? It's not Make-A-Wish. You're fucking married, dude. Yeah, your pussy's St. John's? What is it? What is it? St. Jude's. St. Jude's pussy. Yeah, yeah. Listen to me. This is awesome that you're thinking about it. I hope it's your husband. Yeah.

Yeah. I hope it's your husband and his friend just trying not to pay 50% on the divorce. He's supposed to be cuckold. Oh, interesting. You do not listen to me. I just got scammed on Instagram. Lady said she was going to sell me this knife that I wanted. Oh, no. And it was really a dude. And I gave him 400 bucks on PayPal on the friends and family. Oh.

Oh, so you can't even ask for it back because it's friends and family. It's friends. They knew what they were doing. They knew what they were doing. Finally said, hey, dude, you got me a good scam. Merry Christmas. He went, all right, cool. He was like, respect. Respect, dude. Respect. Thanks for the Christmas shout out. Bowing after a karate match. You are... This is awesome. He's so clearly lying. I mean, clearly lying, but how...

I mean, the fact that she's thinking about it, there's two things. She wants to. Her marriage is on the rocks or this is the nicest human being to walk planet Earth that's willing to fucking put her marriage on the line to help a dying cancer patient from high school. Sure, sure. Well, that is true. It's like if your wife had to cheat on you with anyone, if it's a guy that's dead next week,

I'm listening. You know what I mean? He's not coming back. I'm not letting you fucking know. Why? Dawn? I don't give a fuck. Yeah, if he has AIDS, you can cheat on him. If he's got full-blown fucking AIDS with lesions on his sac...

Go ahead, honey. You roll the dice too, bitch. Yeah. You know what I mean? You roll the dice too. That's a tough dice roll. I think that's more than a dice roll. I'm not saying accept it. I'm just saying one way of thinking is if you had to get cheated on, the guy dying. Here's the thing. He's dying anyway. Her husband should get to shoot him with a gun.

If he's about to die? That's cool. That's kind of cool. You avenge getting cucked and you get to feel what it feels to kill someone? Yeah. That must feel pretty cool. Shoot him right in the fucking head. You fuckbobwass motherfucker! But you know what happens? I like that idea. That would feel cool. I like that.

You're killing two dead birds with one stone. Yeah, that's great. And you're going to have to go through chemo. And you're going to have a video of your wife fucking some guy that's dead. That would be to beat off to. You could sell both. The video of you killing him. You could sell both of them. Buy a fucking beach house. Buy a beach house. You're good to go. Find more people to fucking kill.

Now, let's dive into her a little bit because you're saying either the marriage is on the rocks or she's nice. She clearly, this also, if you are a person who doesn't want to cheat but you're like,

well, I'm being a good guy. You know what I mean? It's kind of like the fat guy eating the last slice because no one's going to have it. It's like, well, it's going to go to waste. This guy's going to die without his pussy. That would be rude.

And of course, I'm on a diet. I shouldn't have the slice, but there's fucking kids starving in Africa. I'm going to throw it away. It's a little bit of that where it's like she has a get out of jail free in her own way. Even if she's the kind of person who wouldn't cheat, it's like, well, this is, I'm being nice. Yeah, but she's, listen, this guy, here's the problem. He's from high school, old boyfriend, recently started dating.

Sexting me Yeah Right That didn't work Right So what did he go do next I'm dying of cancer Yeah you're dumb as shit lady This guy does not You gotta see a fucking You gotta see From the hospital I wanna get some money out of her We should hit her up on Instagram And see if we can con her out of some cash Right right right You need to buy a knife I got lymphoma I need I would need this Will you suck my dick I'm dying right now

You feel alright? Oh, Bob, my doctor just called. He said, unless some bitch in her 40s sucks my dick.

I'm not going to make it through the night, Bob. My doctor just called me. And he said, unless I watch you get your dick sucked, because you're dying, then I'm going to die, and I'm going to get my dick sucked right after you. I'm going to die too. My son. My son. Oh, surely someone can help us. Maybe the most gullible bitch of all time can help us. Please, if you have...

in your heart. We want to continue to answer these questions. You can suck our dicks. It doesn't have to be together. It can be separately. It can be separate. But we have to be in the same room. Yeah, we have to. We'll be sitting in those chairs that ladies get pedicures in next to each other.

I've always wanted to get blown in those. That would be awesome. Oh, why don't they do that? They should do that. They do do that. Get the fish eating your... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. For a good price. Get your feet... Get your feet eaten by the fish. Get your dick sucked. That would be... And get your fingernails done. I just came. Like it's Thriller. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

You suck my penis. Yeah, lady, come on. This guy doesn't know. And look, I would have to see paperwork from the hospital. Unless his doctor calls you on FaceTime so it's not his friend and he's in a hospital. Yeah, his doctor's wearing a cub shirt and he's talking cigar in the background and it's in a shed. Yeah.

Mama, stop. Go suck your husband's dick. Yeah, it's over. If you want, you know, your husband can pretend. You can role play your husband has cancer. Yeah. He'll shave his head, say he just got back from chemo, if that's what it's going to take.

How long have we been doing, Ellis? I don't want to keep Bobby here all night. We're at an hour 35. Oh, love it. Why don't we do one more, Bob? You got time for one more? Let's do it. That was a great call, though. Thank you for calling in. Yeah, that was great. She was great. God damn it, good for you. Yeah. That was a good one. That was fun. I mean, that chubby bastard before was fun, but that naive fucking...

Too sweet was fucking great. She's probably cool to fuck with that kind of imagination. Yeah. That kind of accepting of everything. She's great. Yeah. The guy's just like, I have cancer. What? Could you fuck me? Hey. Hey. Hey, send me pictures of your tits. No, I'm married. I'm

You were dying. All right. I know you were dying. I'll ask my husband for permission. I would love that conversation. He's like, oh, he has cancer. Just ask me to get divorced, you fucking bitch. You be the husband, I'll be the girl. Yeah. Hey, hon. Yeah. How do you like the turkey? Is the turkeys good? Turkeys are good. Yeah, pretty good. You got salad? Juicy. Oh, good. Salad's great. Hey, can I talk to you about something? Sure. Promise you won't get mad. Okay. What are we talking about? Okay. Okay.

I know I went to different high schools. I went to the Brooks. Yeah. And you went to Lincoln. I was at Lincoln, of course. One of my ex-boyfriends hit me up on FaceTime. Okay. And it started out a little hairy. I got to admit, I'm being honest. Okay. And then I was like, well, no, I'm married. But then he told me he's dying of cancer and he wants me to suck his asshole. Okay.

Is that so? Will you be all right with that? Another boyfriend from high school with kids. What is this, the eighth one? It's weird. Fine. I don't know. Three more and that's max. Okay. I was thinking of running a marathon next year for these guys. And at the end of it, I was going to suck them all off. And instead of pasta, I'm going to have their jizz as the protein the night before. That makes sense to me, honey. Uh-huh.

Love you. Love you a lot. I love you too. You're so great. But these guys really got to start taking better care of themselves.

Do these guys vaping? It'd be funny if she went, Don Kelly. Thanks, Stav. I get home, Don's like, Stav, he was right. Bitch, what? You get home, you're like, Don, where are you? She's like, oh, I'm at Beth Israel right now. Yeah, I'm at Beth Israel blowing Nick DiPaolo. Nick doesn't have cancer.

All right. Take us home, Eldis. Hey, stop. So basically I smoked a bunch of crank with my friend and then we stole a van from a funeral home. No, come on. And there, I mean, there weren't any dead bodies in it or anything, but like, okay, no dead bodies. Then I got locked up on unrelated charges. And while I was in jail, uh,

I wrote a letter to my other friend and I told her basically everything that happened, but the jail took that and now it's using it as evidence in my case. His tone. This is fake. And so really my question is, should I snitch on my friend so that I get a deal? No, this is fake, Elvis. This guy doesn't sound like a guy who smokes crank and steals a van. This is a fucking lying fucking loser with little circular glasses.

Yeah, and he didn't, he read it like an audition. Yeah, he practiced this. Well, you know, do I rat them out? He watched like too many movies, you know what I mean? Like Rounders. Yeah, My Friends. That was horrible. Yeah, sorry, buddy. Fuck you. And you know what? That's on Eldest for letting that one slip through. Sorry.

It didn't sound like he was reading. I was skeptical too, but we've had ones where they're like clearly reading something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But fair enough. Fuck this guy. Yeah, fuck him, but listen, rat your friends out. Get out of that. Trust me. Rat them out. They don't care about you.

If this is real, rat them out. Rat their mothers out. Rat their kids out. Get the fuck out of that jam and fuck them. That's right. Let them go to jail. You stay out. You don't got what it takes to be in jail. Yeah, absolutely. You don't have what it takes. 100%. So if it is real...

Rat them out Because you're gonna be He's like I'm on my third strike Get the fuck out of here This guy hasn't done any crimes Next one Elders Come on Let us end with a good one please Do you want to end with an update From a previous call? Oh yeah that would be nice I would love that It's like this might be The fastest update ever I'd love it That bitch who just Fucked a dying guy Listen stop This is the fat rascal That called in about the sperm count Pause the reel Let's Let's

Wow, this just came out. An episode just came out. This guy, his girlfriend was potentially couldn't have a kid. And he was like, should I leave her? Should I get my sperm tested and leave her? Because I want to have a child. And we kind of went in on him because, you know, he's like, he didn't, you know.

It's pretty selfish to say that. You could always adopt, whatever, whatever. Anyway. He said, should I get my sperm count tested and to potentially use it against her or something? Yeah, to use it against her in the future. Because if he has good sperm, her pussy was all fucked up. How exactly? So let's, yeah, let's get the... I got my sperm when we couldn't have a baby. I'm in vitro. I'm an in vitro kid. The first one miscarried.

Oh.

You're like I got my juice in the bag Give me that little Give me that big bird cup I'll pour it in So she goes Go next door So I went next door To the browser next door And I walked in This old chubby black lady Oh yeah Miserable And I go I'm here to get my sperm She goes okay Bring me upstairs I head up here Bring this room one and two

Someone's in two. I go into one. She goes, all right, here's your magazines. Here's your DVDs. Here's a chair. Here's a napkin. And here's your towel. When you're done, you know, come down and give it to me. So I'm sitting there and I'm looking over and I don't do magazines. I have to see a video. And I look, the only video is fat black mamas. And I'm like, so I go downstairs. This is the only one. So I guess the guy in two came in and stabbed me. So I went downstairs. I'm like, hey.

You asked for a different one? I go, do you have anything else? I'm not into this. She looks down at the title. It's Fat Black Mamas, which is her. And she went... And I went, I like... And I just went back upstairs. You put that dick in my pussy, big boy. Get that...

Get that dick in my mouth. It's just like, oh, boy. But you got the job done, huh? I got it done. Yeah. I didn't sit down, though. I can't believe it was a chair. This is where you sit down. Who's sitting down? There's no way you clean that chair. That's true. The beat-off chair. So this is, I've been here. But what was your case? Oh, it was fine. Fine. Gotcha. Yeah. It was just, a miscarriage is very normal. Just happens. Yeah. It cleans out the box. You know? Yeah. It's like, it just happens.

It just cleans the box out. Your jizz goes up, rattles an egg, it goes bleh. Fucking shit on half a kid. Start fresh. It's like blowing the cartridge on a Nintendo. Whatever that kid was, you didn't want that. That was going to be a problem. Yeah. Mwah!

Dan! Don't yell! I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be home fucking holding him because he probably hit himself. Eh. Topics. Putting him to bed in a... Putting the Velcro around his wrists so he could go to bed. Yeah, exactly. All right. Hit us with the update here, Eldis. Listen, Stav. This is the fat rascal that called in about the sperm count and being a piece of shit and all that. Yes. I hope I gave you...

the funny version of the story. Yes, you did. And I realized later after listening to the podcast that I sounded like a piece of shit. Correct. However, I do love this girl. She's the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Great. I was trying to use humor as a way to cope with a difficult situation. Stop telling us what comedy is. My sperm count is 150 million. 150 million? Even though I'm a fat rascal.

So I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with that information. I thought it would just make me feel better. It was a little selfish, but I am going to stick it out. I do think that my nut sack has the power to make a baby regardless of the potential problems that my fiance has. But I thought I'd update you.

Thank you for the advice. I appreciate you. All right. That's very nice. We appreciate you too, buddy. Yeah. Stick it out. If it's the love of your life, you'll figure it out. I told the story on the last episode, but my parents couldn't have kids and you know, my dad, we have a complicated relationship now, but to his credit, my mom said, Hey, I can't have kids. I have the problem. If you want to get divorced, we can do it. And he stuck it out. They did in vitro. They didn't have the money. They had us.

I wouldn't be here if... What's in vitro? They put your dad's jizz in some other... Test tube baby. Test tube baby, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, classic. So how do you... And you grow in the... They fertilize the egg and then they put it in your mom after it's fertilized. So they do all the work inside of a test tube. Yep. And then stick it back up in her... And they put you in there with like eight embryos. The one that makes it. That's me, baby. Well, you didn't make it. I mean...

The one that dribbled out. The one that's struggling now. No, that's great. You made it. I made it. It's pretty wild, right? It's crazy. So many ways that it could. And then my brothers, same thing. They were eight embryos or whatever. They were supposed to be triplets.

And at the very end, they choked one of those motherfuckers out and they came out twins. They ate his ass. They spartaned him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Threw his body off the cliff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your mom shit him out? They absorbed all his nutrients to make them... That's what happens. They eat the fucking other kid. Your brother has a tooth in his stomach? The other one has an eyeball in his back?

that poor fucking loser that couldn't fight him off. Yep. Yep. He's dead. So good for you, buddy. Stick it out. We're rooting for you. That's a beautiful story. Thank you for the update. Have a baby. That's good that you love your chick. You fat rascal. You'll have, yeah, you'll have a baby one way or another pal. We believe in you. Um,

Bobby, thank you so much for doing the show, man. I love you, man. I love you. I appreciate you coming out here doing the pod. So funny. Go get the special right now. Killbox. LouisCK.com. LouisCK.com. My podcast, You Know What, Dude? You Know What, Dude? And there you go. Robert Kelly live on social media. So funny. Go see Bobby live. Truly one of the best comics working today. You will laugh harder than you will at any other show.

I love you, buddy. Thanks for coming. I love you too, man. Guys, we'll see you. We'll see you next time. Subscribe to the Patreon. If you want an extra bonus episode, we do this free one a week and we do a bonus one. And yeah, we got some good guests coming up soon. So bye. See you next time. Bye.