Monroe Martin
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Yeah, there it is. Welcome, everybody, back to Stavi's World. We got a heater for you guys. 904-800-STAV if you want to call in and leave your questions. We got my boy Monroe Martin in. Yo, yo, what's up? Can I say hopa too? You can say hopa. Go crazy. What does that mean, though? It's just like a...

It's like the Greek yurt. It's close to yurt. You know what? It is pretty close to yurt. If you're really letting them fly. If you're breaking plates. You can break plates. Oh, dude. Greek parties go buck wild. Because when black people break shit, cops get caught. We're no longer allowed in the building no more. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. That's the thing. It's like...

It really is flexing. They're like, we don't even care about our plates. That's how much we're partying. I wonder what the overhead is, though. For a good baptism? Yeah.

Yeah. Doesn't even matter what's going on. That's the first people I ever saw make it rain. It was old Greek guys. When people are dancing, it's like the same thing. It's just flexing. It's all it is. Flexing is across all cultures. So why are more black women going after Greek dudes if they're just giving the money out so freely? This is a great question. If I was a chick, I'd be only fucking Greek dudes. Old Greek dudes. From your lips to God's ears, Monroe. Hey.

I would love to have a black wife. That's the next move. Get yourself one, man. That would be great. It would be nice. We've got super producer Eldis coming in, playing not quite his flu game. Eldis' cheeks have been loose the last 24 hours. Isn't that right, Eldis? I woke up at 6 a.m. My stomach was making crazy-ass noises.

I was shitting all morning. It was crazy. I'm on a sick episode. Damn. Don't worry. It's just Elvis. I think it was a stomach bug. Yeah. He had a little romantic dinner. He used to group on to take his girlfriend out. Oh, how dare you. Oh, that's what you get. I'm paying full price. That's what you get. The worst.

We don't worry about that around here. Get on that discount meal. Damn, poor Eldest. You can see he's struggling. He's fighting over there. You're going to make it. I believe in you, dude. Yeah, he's red as shit, though. He is. He's very red. His body is fighting whatever he's got in there. It's getting hot as fuck in here already. It's minute two. It's minute two. Dude.

I am fine. It's perfect temperature, yo. All morning, I've either been, like, ice cold to the touch or just hot as shit. Just going back and forth. Damn, dude, you got that little pre-feed dinner that has been sitting under the heat lamp all weekend. Where'd you go? Chinese buffet? Yeah, he took his girl out to number one China dragon.

No, we went to this Peruvian spot. This is actually pretty nice. It's a good restaurant. It's called Llama Inn in Williamsburg. Llama Inn. Okay. It's a good restaurant. Yeah, yeah. It's actually legitimately really tasty. But I also followed it up with like two slices of pizza right afterwards across the street. And it could have been the fish at Llama Inn. It could have been some old ass buffalo chicken sitting out for who knows how long. And you had a buffalo chicken slice? It wasn't even a plane? No. A plane?

to cleanse the palate before dessert. That's one thing. Why did you go eat another meal? Come on, man. You know the answer. He is, though. I can get into this story. Basically...

He got issues. We tried some, like, breathwork class. And just fucking... You know, it was like an hour and a half. Just some hippie shit. The breathwork. And afterwards, I woke... I felt like a baby at the womb or something. I was like, what is going on? And I was like...

We just, like, passed a pizza place on the way there. And I was like, I don't feel like eating some little fancy-ass dinner right now. Oh, wow. I was thinking about, like, pizza all night. So after the breathwork, you wanted pizza. Yes. You do an hour and a half of breathwork that's supposed to, what, connect you with your most inner desires with the person you love. You're with your girlfriend. And the thing, the dominating thought coming out of that breathwork was, I need a nice slice. No. No.

If you guys didn't know how I felt, you would not have wanted to go to that. I'm like, how out of shape is he where breath works? Taking deep breaths. I think I just got ill from looking within. Yeah, that is the real issue. I'll just look within. I don't want to introspect anymore. No. Everyone on this podcast, everyone at the Stabby Baby Enterprise is barely keeping it together. Oh.

You know what, though? I aspire to that level of love where you go out, you have a fancy dinner, and there's no judgment between you and your girl love each other so much that you can get...

Two slices of pizza afterwards. And look, is she thrilled? Probably not, but she accepts you for who you are. That's beautiful. Because in my mind, she's going to have to deal with all of that on top. Yeah. Right? Just all of that sweaty cheese. 100%. There's no way Eldest fucks post-meal. Eldest barely fucks on an empty stomach. No, it didn't happen last night. Yeah. You didn't go there. Yeah.

Neither here nor there. You know, she was dealing with it this morning when I was like, I could barely get out of bed and shit. She was tending to you. Yeah. That's beautiful, ma'am. Thank you. Thank you. That's really nice. True love. Shout out to her. Shout out to her. Absolutely.

We're glad. We're glad you're fighting through it. That's got to be nice. I'm sure you've had that. You're married. You must have a nice situation where you could just... You used to also be fatter. You look great these days. Thank you, man. Yeah. No, I had to get my shit together, man. I had back problems and shit. I was about to say black problems. They are. Yeah, yeah. High cholesterol, high blood pressure. Yeah.

In many ways, being a fat man, that's kind of like cultural appropriation. I'm taking black health problems. Yeah, man. With high cholesterol and high blood pressure. I had to keep getting fucking epidurals on my back and stuff. Wow. Like you were giving birth. Yo. The same shit they give a lady whose pussy is split wide open. Just you going for a brisk walk. Yeah. You needed it bad.

And the last time I went to physical therapy, I had like a young dude and like,

He was just like, hey, man, can I just be honest with you? And nothing good comes out of that. No, no. When a medical professional is like, hey, off the clock, man to man, I'm not supposed to say this, but this, whatever that is. You're too young. He was like, you're too young to be really just dealing with these problems. Because everyone in physical therapy was like old ass men and women. Yeah, you get in there and there's walkers. I'm 36 and I'm fucking just sitting on the floor all night. Yeah.

He was like, watch these YouTube videos. Here's some printouts. And it's like, just lose weight. Yeah. I was like, well, all right. Did you ever have any back injuries before? Or was it just like a sudden? No, just fat shit. Just being fat as hell. Just being fat as shit, man. Yeah, I've been working out. I've been lifting weights the last few months. And it's like, it's simply to stay alive. Yeah. Enjoy that money. It's not even like, I'm not losing weight at this point. It's just like,

the all the travel all the like eating you know like you know it was my birthday this weekend you know I got fucked up thank you bro um

I was just, you know, whatever. It's like being on the road, all that stuff. It's like, I actually do feel good, but I'm not making progress. I'm just like not getting fat. And at a certain, at a certain point, it's like you have to do just exercises. So your back, like literally my back, I had the same shit with the middle of my back hurt. And I was like, wow, I must need a new mattress. You blame everything else. Yeah.

And then I literally worked out for three weeks and it was like, oh yeah, that's it. I did a couple back exercises. But isn't it, like sometimes once you're big, once you start trying to lose the weight, you can die, right? Oh yeah. We got used to this shit. Absolutely. Yeah. Isn't that what happened to Big Pun or something? No, no. I think he just was fat. He was so fat he died. Damn. I don't think it was a trying to lose weight situation. That guy was big as hell. Yeah.

I mean, it wouldn't make sense. Like, you can't say big. Of course. You know what I mean? It wasn't like. He had some leeway, though. Chubby. At the end, he was real big. I salute that guy for getting pussy at that weight. Because when I get to 325, right now I'm at 310. Yeah. When I get to 325, it's like. Oh, you want to keep going.

Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. You're like, I got goals. In the instances when I have been, I said it like I'm building to it. I was like, if I eat a little more and I get to 325, then my penis won't work at all. But, dude, when I get one iota fatter than I currently am, it's like you turn into like an old woman. Yeah. Where it's like, I have no sex drive. I just want to eat chocolates and gossip with my friends. But guess what?

Big dudes stay with women. That's true. At least growing up in Philly, most of the big dudes who would fly and had all the chicks, they were fat. I know. They had a nice car. They had nice gear. And I get it. You can't fuck your girl that much, but you can eat her pussy and treat her nice. Yeah, I get it.

Amen. That's kind of my motto. Yeah. I'm going to eat your pussy and treat you nice. Absolutely. Now, there have been great advances in dick pill technology. That's true. However, I think Big Pump probably would have died yesterday.

Five years earlier, if he had access to some Romans, if he had access to the blue chew Roman. Hey, you hear that, folks? I could have said your name brand right here. So think about that as a big dick pill user. I'm probably the number one free agent advertising dick pill wise out there on the Internet right now. Dick pills don't make you sweaty. I'll take them for a special occasion when I really want to throw some primo dick. Yeah. You know, but then you fucking too long.

Sure, yeah. It does make, it really does elongate the nut in a way where it's like, because your dick stops being an instrument for your pleasure. At this point, you've turned it into like a rubber mallet. Yeah, this is nothing. You almost have to come by accident at a certain point. No!

You've turned it into a blunt object to hurt a woman's pussy with. There's no more having a good time with it. You just have to prove to yourself you can get hard. I'm sure there's some actual dosage that you should... The reality is just like that.

physical therapist, a doctor, a real doctor and not some bullshit internet company that's trying to sell me $50 worth of dick pills every month. A real doctor would be like, you're 34, you're fat as shit, just take a couple walks every week and you'll probably be able to get hard. Do some squats. Yeah, literally, dude. And also, it's also funny because it's like, also your body just tells you that, hey, maybe you shouldn't just fuck random strangers. Yeah.

What did your body tell you? Huh? Your body told you that? By not being able to get hard. You know what I mean? Because it's like, I remember being in a relationship, even when I was fat, I was like, my dick would work very, like, better than a dick pill, right? And it's like, oh, right. Maybe I should love half the people I fuck. You know what I mean? As opposed to these percentages are not good. You get that at wood and...

And it's only like for that person you don't give a fuck about. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Certainly that can happen. That's kind of like the bizarro. Yeah. That's like the confidence booster. I beat it up. Yeah. That dick is that kind of that kind of boner is venom. Yeah. Whereas being in love and getting a hard dick is Spider-Man.

You know, it's like, there is an evil hard-ass dick you get with certain women where you're like, oh no. Like, I truly, probably the best pussy I've ever had in my life, I literally put my MacBook in the hotel safe before she came over. Yeah.

I was like, I don't know. This is a real gamble. I'm downstairs. You're like, okay, one minute. Just putting all my valuables in the fucking safe. And that is the end. But believe me, I was hard as hell. Had a great time. And then I was like, all right, see you later. And what'd she steal? Didn't steal anything. But, you know, it was in the car. You know, just kind of a stranger in the cars. But there was just something about it where I was. Exactly.

I was in there for sure. I didn't even realize it. Probably your shirt is what made me think of the venom hard dick analogy. No, it was a great analogy. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, my friend. Um,

But yeah, dude, thanks for coming. You know, we just kind of let everybody know. Let everybody know this is an advice show. We kind of get people's lives in order. So we want them to know a little bit about your backstory, where you came from. We've been friends for years now. When I first moved to New York, we met, you know, just doing the worst clubs in the city at the time. You know, just taking any spots we could. We've talked about the standing room on this podcast before. The hallway. That's where I met my wife, though. Really? Oh, man.

Yeah. Was she in the audience? She came into the audience. So basically, it wasn't romantic how she was there. My wife was like a party pooper. Okay. And the group of people she came with, they were like, they were trying to have fun, but she was just miserable. And they was like, hey, if you don't drink these drinks, then we're going to make you talk to that big black dude on stage. Wow. And it just happened. So if your wife had better vibes, you wouldn't be married right now. She wouldn't be my wife. Yeah.

I love that they used you as a threat, a semi-racist threat to get your wife to drink a tequila soda. Turned into love. Turned into a beautiful love story. I mean, I don't blame her, though, because that was, yeah, that club, and we've talked about it before, it was like a hallway. That was fucking terrible. That they put, like, you could, there was no, you were staring right at the wall. There was no, there was like one seat here, one seat here, and then two seats on either side of the outside. No green room, so. Nothing. Nothing.

No green room. So if you were waiting around for your set, you had to stand outside. It was fucking raining. Yeah. It was snowing. It was hot as fuck. Yes. And they would tell you, they'd be like, excuse me, you got to, can you guys move out of the way? They would kick us out. Yeah. There was a little bar in the front room. Yeah. And we were not allowed to hang out there if there was one person. And they were serving fucking the,

weirdest it would be like a drink and a light bulb a fucking bell pepper it was right they were really trying to catch on to the cocktail the mixology craze and they had these twin Japanese bartenders those guys were cool those twins I think maybe I'm racist who's more racist because I thought it was just one person it's definitely two guys so I

He works a lot. You know, it's interesting. We're racist in different ways because they might not. And I just said it out loud. They might not be twins. They might just have been two Japanese guys. I've never seen them at the same time. So how did you assume they were twins? I saw they were there at the same time sometimes. Oh, maybe like one guy. Anyway, that is really funny. They both had long hair. So.

So we'll find out. Maybe it was one guy. I think the arguments were Chris. Remember? Yes. It's like, stop booking me there, yo. I'm like, it's the weekend and you got me in a fucking hallway. We all were taking those spots. You could tell nobody there had anything better going on because no one wanted those spots. Nobody wanted those spots. And at the same time,

A lot of good comics passed through there. And I do think we all got better at comedy because it was such an atrocious club. I agree. That we all had to just figure something out. Yeah, like now when I hit the stage, I don't, I give very little fucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I'm like, I've been everywhere at this point. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? So.

And so that was, yeah, permanently closed. I like that. Yeah, I love seeing that. I like it. It's just stay like that. Eldest pulled it up for those of you listening. I didn't even know that it was literal, right? They're like standing on this. They weren't even being creative. They're like, that's all you can do. That's me. Look at that. I'm literally in that picture. Holy shit.

Why though? Why are you watching this show? Oh shit. That's nothing but comics. That's Kunal. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. This is nothing. Nothing but comedians, dude. This is so funny. You know what this probably was? This is probably like we got, we got a, we paid for a write-up. Can you guys sit and pretend you're an audience? So it looks like. But look at that. That's a, that's a,

Is that you? Right behind Kunal. Can you zoom in? That's you. That's me. What the fuck?

Holy shit. We had nothing on us. For everyone at home, the eldest literally just Google image searched the standing room, and this is what we found. Holy fuck. Put that on the episode, eldest. God damn, that's so funny. We weren't lying, folks. And truly, I mean, you see it. It's a fucking hallway, eldest. Look at that shit. Look at that. Good for, whatchamacallit, the two fucking KC and Jabron both acting like

Yeah, yeah, yeah Fucking Alex, why is he rubbing his eyes? Yeah, yeah, yeah God damn Everybody was faking it Me and you were both like Yeah, my trusty cardigan I really ran that look into the ground Nah, that's the fact I got a cardigan on too You know what I'm saying? Red shirt with the fucking black cardigan on top, man

That's how you hide your titty meat. Yeah. That's how you hide your titty meat. It hides just enough titty meat. Oh, you can tell I'm on a I haven't come to grips with it weight gain situation right there. All my clothes are a size too small. I don't want to admit it's time to go 3X. When you're clinging on to the 2X as a fat man, that's a tough time. I haven't went to 3X yet. Wow.

Wow. And you're tall as shit. Yeah, that was one of the things where I'm like, once I get to fucking get past two, I'm going to kill myself. Honestly, when you cross the 3X Rubicon and just accept it, which I have done right now because I have no other... That's a tough... You're like, damn, I'm really... I'm swimming in dangerous waters right now. Like, every day I'm like... It's like you're just taking a swim in shark-infested waters. It's like, a shark could get me... Could nip me. I don't know.

I don't think the shark will kill me, but, you know, something might happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A toad might get got by him. Because you can only go to specialized stores, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The big and tall. Big and tall. Or you just got to hope that they just got that extra inventory, that there was one store that's like, yeah, I think we got like maybe two, three X's. You want them? Yeah, yeah. They offer you the whole inventory. Absolutely. Like you want any of them? 100%.

But yeah, that's so fucking funny. May the standing room rot in peace. But yeah, when did you come to New York? When did you move here? 2010. 2010. Okay, nice. You're here for a few years before me. I moved to Jersey first. Nice. Living with Derrick Gaines. Oh, hell yeah. And something happened where like somehow he was behind on rent. So then I'm like, how the fuck am I paying? Yeah.

I'm paying half this shit to live on the couch. I'm paying way too much rent for a couch. That's so fucking funny. To this day, I'm like, why are you charging me so much for a fucking couch? They're like, I don't know, man. I gave you a number and you said yes.

Wow, what a fucking prick negotiating with you. We should have brought him on here to defend himself. That's so fucking funny. Because you grew up in Philly. Grew up in Philly. All over Philly due to foster care. So I lived in...

I'm originally from North Philly, but I live in West Philly, Northeast, Southeast, South Philly. All over. All over. I'm versed in Philly. Yeah, yeah. You've seen it all. How many years? When did you start? When were you starting? I think I started comedy in 2006 at the Laugh House. Oh, damn. Okay.

Terrible. Maybe like- The Laugh House is one of those, everyone talks, it's the black club in Philly. Everybody talks about, just what a shit show that place is. It's not real. I won't disrespect it in saying it was a shit show. Not a shit show, but like a tough place. It was very tough from just, like everyone at a black club, everyone's funny. Even if they're not professionally funny, the waitresses are funny, the fucking cooks are funny, so everybody don't respect you. Right, right, right. Everybody's like-

I can do that if I wasn't cooking these wings. Yeah. No, but it sounds like a... I mean, you know, is it still around? No, no. Yeah. It's closed down, but it's one of those places where...

So the open mics were real shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would do three minutes. And if you was bombing, they had this guy, Legendary Wid. He's a fucking great comedian. Yeah. And he hated hacky comics. Yeah. Especially new guys. So if he was up there and you up there talking about your dick or how much you fuck or whatever, he's like, all right. He'll come on stage, fucking take the mic out of your head. Yeah, yeah. Give it up for whatever the fuck he was talking about. Yeah.

And as a new comic, you feel like you're getting bullied. Of course. And you deserve it. Yeah. And some people are like, what the fuck? Like, they argue with him. And he was one of those white guys that'll go there with you. He was like, what do you want to do?

I'm ready. He was ready. That's awesome. He was a white guy running the mic at the Laugh House. Running the mic. And man, he kept like a good generation of comics fucking honest. Because we didn't want Witt snatching the mic out of our hand. Of course. Or shitting on us. And those comics who actually listened to him, we went on to do guest spots on the weekend and then home.

and host and fucking headline. So he was right. Yeah, yeah, of course. You know what I mean? Because he sees it. He's like, I've been here long enough to see the path to bullshit. It's interesting that going from foster care all over, it's funny to think about coming from a background where comedy is like...

Could be grounding Where it's like not It's like less chaotic Than fucking comedy Which is fucking bullshit No it's the same amount of chaos Yeah it's the same Same amount of chaos Growing up in fucking Growing up in foster care It's the same amount of chaos yo And I'm just used to it And I probably just fucking thrive on Of course That makes sense No it makes sense Yeah all the shit was all over the place So when did you start Where were you in foster care from? I went in at like I guess seven years old Maybe six, seven Okay Yeah but I should have went in there earlier

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because my mom didn't really have a place to live, so we were just bouncing around to other friends' places and shit, and I'm sleeping in other kids' beds. I don't really know like that. And I peed the bed. Oh, no. Imagine being that kid. So imagine spending the night and peeing someone else's bed. That's so fucking rude.

And your mom was fucking, she was a mess, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on drugs. So it's like, imagine being that kid and you're like, I gotta sleep with this fucking crackhead kid pissed my bed. And now I have to fucking, and he's eating the fucking fruit snacks. What the fuck, mom? Who is this lady? No, when we would come, they would do like a community party. First of all, no one was doing that well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sleep in your bed You fucking need help too Yeah right right right So they would just do Like a community pot Like of like Baked beans Gotcha gotcha gotcha And fucking oodles and noodles And shit like that Yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah

Like, yeah, basically, what you just described was all shit you can get in prison. Yeah, absolutely. It's like having, like, Doritos and beef jerky, making nachos out of that. Yeah. Some of those prison guys on YouTube, you'll see it, and you're like, ooh, the ramen flavor packet mixed up with tuna. Hmm, interesting. You do that, too? No, the guys in prison do, Monroe. Oh, okay.

My wife shit on me for doing that. She's like, what are you putting canned tuna in your ramen for? I'm like, it's delicious. You should try it. She's like, never. I'll never try that. And she's right. You're doing better. You don't have to do that shit anymore. She said that I took her culture away from her. My wife's Colombian. All I've introduced her to was canned food, fucking hot ramen. Oh.

She's from the land of empanadas and boon wellos, and I'm like, hey, baby, you want some shrimp ramen with some butter in it? Oh, it's butter. Butter shrimp ramen? Well, butter, you drain the water out of it and put some butter in it? Dude, you're a man after Eldest's heart. He loves fucking dumb shit like that. Yeah, I know.

I used to make some ramen concoctions. I know you did, motherfucker. Don't feel like making spaghetti, but let's see what we got here. Broke. The broke mindset. You both have to free yourselves. Neither of you are in poverty anymore. But I still call them. I know, dude. Eldest's house was the first place I had a butter and sugar sandwich. Did he toast it bread?

Okay, that's good. What's wrong with that? It wasn't toasted, motherfucker. It was a white bread with butter and sugar on it. It was good, but don't front and say you toasted. Sometimes you need a snack, man. Nah, you got to toast it.

You toast it, spread some butter on it, sprinkle a little sugar on it. Yeah. I don't do that now. Yeah, you're over it. I used to take hot dog buns and put a fuck ton of fucking sour cream cheese in that. Yeah. That's pretty good. That's an eldest. Cream cheese has never been my go-to when I was poor. Yeah. Yeah. It's got to be refrigerated. That's why. You know, you need shit in the cupboard. Like ramen, you can just sit it in hot water and give it a couple minutes. You don't even need to pop it in the microwave. Yeah.

I'm serious. Damn, bro. Like, no, you just come on down. Not even microwave? You don't have to. You fucking turn the sink on, make that bitch golden hot.

Put it in the bowl, cover it. But it's going to be cold anyway, right? If you cook the ramen and you wait for it to cool down, it's going to be the same temperature. Wow, this is good. That's how you survived your horrific childhood. I know how to survive. It's having such a nice spin on things. It's like, well, it's going to be lukewarm at some point. You might as well cook it that way. You might as well just get the sink hot. Yep.

Turned that single letter around for like a couple, three minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three minutes, scalding hot. Cover it. Yeah, dude. I'm sure. I'm sure. I mean, definitely we, yeah. There is some good, you can definitely figure out some good impoverished eats, no problem. But so was it just you and your mom and then you went? It was me and my sister. So me and my, I have two sisters. Okay. But.

It was me and my sister, me and her, like a year apart. And we lived with my mom. And she was on a run from my dad. I don't know why. I know why, but she was on a run and bouncing around. And then she went into the shelter. Probably a really cool reason. Yeah, right? Probably a really chill reason. In my mind, it's the Terminator. You know what I mean? We was just living that Terminator life. Sarah Connor, baby. She's Sarah Connor. You're like, I'm John Connor. You're pissing in some other kid's face.

You will respect me. I'm the only thing standing between you and that VCR killing you. You're just pissing his Aladdin sheets.

You will respect me. Another beautiful spin on it. It's all about the spin, man. The spin is huge. Truly, the spin is huge. I love it. I fully, yeah. So it was you and your sister and your mom. Me and my sister and my mom, we would bounce around in different people's houses. Then we went to like a mother and kid shelter. I think my sister accidentally stabbed somebody in the hand.

With a pen She was a kid She was like four years old So we got kicked out of that spot Damn You can't be in there starting gang wars Yeah you really can't That's gotta be one of the most basic rules And then we got put in the foster care after that By my grandmother And then we got split up And we never lived together Until we got old enough And then I got my own place And then she came to live with me Oh that's nice Yeah but

Yeah. Yeah. I love my sister. She cool. But I was like, you can't stay here. You're like, you know, I was looking for a storybook ending, but ah,

It doesn't look like it's in the card for us. But she's doing great. She got her own crib. That's awesome. She got three kids and shit. Hell yeah, dude. But yeah. And then we had two different journeys. Like I moved around a lot and I think she's only been in like maybe like four places. I was in like maybe five.

15 different spots. Damn, dude. What the fuck? That was popular. Yeah. The draft. The foster kid draft. They heard your biggest shit. They're like, we need a center. Damn.

What the fuck? So how does that work? Is it like they put you in temporary spots? Yeah, dude. Now you think you're going to catch Eldon? No, dude. Whatever's going on is in his guts. Don't worry. Unless you had some of that buffalo chicken, you're fine. I'm getting phlegmy. I'm pretty sure it's food poisoning or something. I think you're good. All right, all right. But most foster homes are temporary situations unless they're doing...

foster care to adopt but my mom wasn't giving up custody even though i never lived with my mom so i aged out at 21 but at the age of 16 i was offered to live with her but like something happened and i was like nah this ain't gonna work out because i didn't know her as a mom me and her had a friendly relationship and shit sure but i'm like i understood that

I would have to be under like her authority and all that shit. And I'm like, I just seen what you were doing with your life. I can't now. Yes, I'll listen to you. So I made that decision just to stay in and stay in care until I qualify for supervised independent living. And that's when they give you your own place, but you got to like interview and like be in school and have a job and all that shit. And,

And usually women only go in these places, but I fucking, I got the gift of gab, I guess, back then. Talked your way into it. That's also so fucked where they're like, impress us.

Tell us, show us. Show us that you deserve a place to live. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what to say, bro. That's so fucking... One bedroom to myself. That's awesome. Yeah. That's wild, though. It's like, even after you go through the whole fucking program, they won't have... Like, that's what fucking blows my mind. It's like...

We could just house everybody. We really could. Like, we have the fucking capability to do that. And it's like, here's somebody who, you went through foster care, you fucking went through all this shit, stayed in the program, whatever, and then they're still like, you have to meet

This many fucking... Why can't they just give you a house for a year and just figure your shit out? They don't give anything away for free, man. You gotta work for it. But I would say it was worth it, though, just because I didn't really meet the qualifications

Like I went to community college. I barely wanted to be there. I spent like damn near four years in community college. Because I understood the longer I stayed in school, the longer I can keep this place. So I'm like, I'm doing the minimum. I'm taking like three credit courses. Yeah.

A semester. Like, where do you go graduate? Well, I'm working. I just love my education so much. That's sick. It was a good place. It was a nice place. It was a nice spot in Philly near the suburbs. But it was like, in Philly, all the people come to the suburbs to, like, rob people.

No one's robbing you in the hood. They're going out. They're like, things in the hood don't got shit. Of course, of course. That's just something I got to joke about. It's just recycling. So they were going to the suburbs.

And I was so like Out of that mindset When I was living there One time Like these two dudes Ran up on me And like I felt them Put something in my back And I was like Give that shit up And I Fucking so goofy I'm like Come on man Like I thought It was my friends I'm like Come on Mark Yeah

And I grabbed the gun. I grabbed the fucking gun from my back and looked at the dude. And me and him made eye contact. And he was like, did this nigga just grab the gun?

Holy shit. So here's something. That's insane, dude. So once you grab the gun. You're in. You're committed. You got the gun. Yeah, I have the gun, but he kind of pulls it back. And then he didn't shoot me at that time. So I'm like, all right, fuck it. Let me just try something. So I'm like, yo, man, we're going to have to scrap this shit. And I take off my book bag and my jacket. And then his dude just runs up, snatches that shit. And then I just start digging it.

That's incredible. That's so fucking wild, dude. The confidence to... You thought it was your boy to grab a gun. Sure, of course. Because where I live... So, I was one of those dudes. I'm like, yo, I got an apartment. It's everybody's apartment, which is dumb. It's so fucking stupid, y'all. So, I had...

Some of my homies would just be waiting outside of my crib for me or whatever. And they see me walking up the street. They're like running up on me. Like, run that shit, motherfucker. And we play around like that. So I was confident. Like, come on, man. You were acting like fucking John Wick, dude.

This episode so far, it's about mindset. It's about having positive mindset. You just completely survived the fucking, what could have been a fatal mugging by being goofy and then trying to challenge someone to a fight. I really respect the other guys like, no, we're just trying to steal. We don't have honor. We're thieves. Laughter

And that's what they probably wanted anyway. It was the fucking jacket, right? Yeah, it was a state property jacket. Do you remember state property? Of course. Yeah, so those jackets were like 200 bucks, man. And I was bumming as shit, but that jacket was like the thing in my mind. I was like, oh, the hoes gonna love me. They did not. They did not. Yeah, it must be tough getting pussy in foster care. Believe it or not, they give it up.

They need love, baby. Yeah, I guess you're right. I was thinking more from a privacy standpoint, but I guess in other ways, yeah, it's a bunch of kids who just want some kind of acceptance from someone. So maybe it's a nice way to... Maybe that's a nice silver lining, you know? You got to think, man, when you're in foster care, like...

Most of the people you hang out with, they also fucking, they just be roaming the streets and shit. So they find hangout spots. Yeah.

They know the house to go to. That makes sense. Everybody's just chilling and smoking weed and all that shit. I didn't do any of that. I didn't smoke or nothing, but I was always close to the kids that just had nothing going on. Sure. And they knew all the places to just chill. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was it set up like a fucking hostel? Was it like bunk beds and shit? Certain places. So in the foster homes, depending on how many kids

Kids they had in there I never really lived In the spot Where they had Like more Like that many kids Like it's always been Like me Or like two other kids I live with just One lady Like before I aged out It was four of us But the Three of them Were her real kids And shit But I was like Man Like I should've stayed Like what the fuck Is going on She had no heat Right Damn It was the middle Of winter time

Excuse me. It's all right. And we fucking, all of us, we just laying in our beds. Jesus Christ. We were showered and put our clothes on. What the fuck? And then, like, we would just be fully dressed. So all you have to do is just wake up in the morning, wash your face and brush your teeth. God damn. Just get the fuck out of there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. But some places, they were fucking great. Like, some homes I lived in, I had my own room. Oh, wow.

I have my own TV Yeah Game system and shit But I'm I was so like Institutionalized That you don't understand That someone is treating you good Right You think it's a trick You think it's a trick Yeah So like They give you a little bit Of reparations Like not repar Like What's that word Where they just fucking Reprimand you for doing something And you just flip all the way The fuck out They be like Hey don't do that What the fuck you did You did My mom was on crack Yeah

Whoa, whoa. Relax. You had a hair trigger on flipping out. Interesting. So I like, I don't know. Sensitive. You were sensitive. You were very sensitive. But some places were great and in some places were terrible. Yeah. And then like looking back, I was like, I didn't have to say that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. But you're, I mean, you're a fucking kid who's fucking, you know, who's the first few years of your life you're...

Moving around You have no context For like What a normal Person Behaves like You know what I mean? Cause even in my Personal life Like with my mom And stuff Even on her side People act like that

Right, right, right. You know what I mean? So to me, that's just how you survived. Of course. If somebody fucking tried to say something or do something that you didn't like, you just fucking gave them all the energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was learning. I was like, oh, that's not right. Right, right. But that's a hard thing to deprogram yourself on. Yeah, it takes years. That's straight up survival. You see that shit where it's like, yeah, it's like when you see like a fucking, when you get like a rescue, like a cat. Yeah.

And that motherfucker just immediately. It's like, chill. We're in a house, motherfucker. There's cream for you. Just chill the fuck out, dude. That's what I call myself a rescue husband. Because my wife is patient, yo. She's patient. Yeah, I can see that. I'm like, look, give me some time, baby. It's only been seven years. Damn, dude. That's crazy. I mean, that is...

huge to just like go from that and then like work your way, you know, work your way up through the system. Even that is like a big accomplishment. And then after you're, you know, so you stay there as long as you can in that little apartment or whatever. Yeah. I milk that shit. I aged out at 21, 21, 22. And, uh, they,

The people who were like looking after me, they knew it. Cause each, so basically you get not a social worker, but you get like basically like a liaison, somebody to speak for you. And like, and you have like a relationship with that person over time. Yeah. We're really cool. Like they actually like kind of pushed me to do comedy. That's cool. You know what I mean? Showed up to my first show, even though it was fucking terrible. Of course. But this lady knew she was just like, look, man, like,

You should have been gone by now. You should have been out of this situation. But we understand. So I got to stay in my apartment until like 21, early 22. And then...

I already knew the process of like getting your own place because they definitely teach you life skills. They teach you how to fucking manage a checkbook, teach you how to do your own taxes, how to cook. Like you have to, every week you have to take these life skill classes and it definitely paid off. So once I aged out, I already knew like, all right, hit people up on Craigslist. You had better, you had kind of a better skills than a lot of motherfuckers just graduating college. Dude, if I would've been with my mom, I wouldn't have known none of that shit. I'm being honest. I wouldn't have known any of that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So now, is it hard though? I guess that's crazy to me to think about as you're like a kid and you're moving around. Like, it must have been hard to maintain like a core group of friends. Absolutely. You had to just completely... Because it's also like, maybe it'd be different now when everybody's online and shit. But it's like, back then, like we kind of grew up in the era right before that shit. Yeah. And it was still just...

call a fucking landline and show up or whatever. And especially, everything's so regional that I feel like I knew all the kids from my neighborhood, but if I had to pick up and move to fucking, you know, from Southeast Baltimore, I was in Northwest Baltimore, I wouldn't know fucking anybody. So that shit must have been kind of a challenge. No, it was pretty tough too. Especially because, like imagine you giving your phone number out

And you build a relationship with a group of kids and then they call to see if you can come out. But he don't live here no more. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're like, where'd he go? I don't know. We don't fucking know. So I was one of those kids where...

Like, I was really good with, like, navigating around the city, right? So, I would fucking walk. Like, if I had a group of friends that lived in, like, South Philly, I would walk from, like, Broad Nolany, which would be, like, here. Like, walking from your crib to, like...

Lower East Side Oh my god It was like that And I would just walk Two hour walk basically Yeah two hour walk And I would do it Just to hang out with my friends And because I didn't have No form of communication Like call them I would just show up And they'd be like Whoa What the fuck you been

So I was just like that kid Where it was just like hey In the summertime you may see Ro You may not see him But then once I was able to get a cell phone and stuff Then I was able to like keep in contact with certain people So like a lot of my friends now That I've made once I got cell phones I'm still friends with Cool You know what I mean One of my boys He used to live in New York And he got married He lives in Jersey But we talk maybe like

Couple times a month Nice We hang out Yeah yeah yeah That's sick So we still got that relationship But it was hard as a kid Oh yeah of course And then you got so many Different friend groups and shit Cause I was in After school programs For foster kids Yeah And stuff so I wouldn't be able to see my Around the way friends Because After school I gotta go to this program Right right right And

And you gotta take these classes And you gotta be there till 8 And then once that's done I'm going home And I can't go back outside Yeah, yeah, yeah You know Damn, and did you stay in the same Like when you moved for With different families Did you have to move schools and shit too? Or how did that work? Luckily for me I got to stay

At the same high school I got to stay at the same high school And then I got kicked out Because I got into a little scuffle And it wasn't really And it And it truly was because I was like a foster kid And Somebody broke I'm trying to think who broke it My last foster mom When I got kicked out She broke it down to me Yeah

She was like, hey, look, I know you want to express yourself this way and be all rah-rah, but you already got a target on your back. When you're in foster care, you already have a record. Yeah. You know what I mean? So fucked. If anyone should get one little benefit of the doubt...

We got into a scuffle in the auditorium. It wasn't even nothing serious. It was just kids fucking grabbing each other and doing this shit. Do you remember what the inciting incident was? Yeah, open neck, no respect. He fucking slapped me across my fucking neck. And I'm like, what the fuck?

And then we had this little ass teacher, like little white teacher, like no bigger than this. She wanted to get in between us and break it up. And like, I think one of us pushed her out of the way. But like, you know, in the height of passion. Of course, of course, of course. So then they said that we were inciting a riot because... Inciting a riot? Because everybody else started like fucking... And pushing her and shit.

People just want to push teachers. Of course, that's true. Kids just want to fucking shove a teacher. There was one time, it didn't happen to me, this was my brothers, my brothers and a couple of my friends who were too stupid to get into the good magnet school that I went to. Baltimore City, you know, I'm sure, I don't know what Philly's public schools are like, Baltimore City is fucking dog shit. And you can test into like,

There's like fucking five good middle schools across the city. And you can test into them. And I got into the best one. And then my brothers and a couple of my best friends, there was one near us on the southeast side of the city that was solid. And it was literally called Southeast Middle. And one time, a pregnant teacher. And it was tough. I mean, it was a magnet. That goes to show you, it's a magnet school. And it's still the kind of school where kids are getting fucking stoned.

stabbed for like Pokemon cards. I'm smart. They know exactly where to stab me. Yeah, exactly. They know. It's not lethal. You're fine. Yeah.

Yeah, they've studied. They've studied the fucking charts. And a pregnant teacher was like... Two girls were fighting. And a pregnant teacher was trying to like, you know, split them up. And one girl kind of like shoved her and like touched her stomach. Yeah. And the teacher fucking...

Like, cold cocked this fucking sixth grader. And it was like, she was pregnant. I think she was not in trouble. Yeah, she didn't get in trouble because it was like self-defense in some ways. But it's just like, that stopped that riot. And it's trash. It was like, what the fuck? People were like, oh! Like, whoa! Like, they were laughing. It was this fucking insane thing. You gotta talk about pregnancy. It's just like, fat pregnant lady just...

Just absolutely fucking this girl up. Oh, man. That was some real good stuff. You never had any violence with teachers, right, Elders? At your art high school? No, nothing like that. Probably teachers fucked kids, though. Yeah, the artsy ones.

I went for a freshman year. I went to like this, the school up. Oh yeah. That's my neighborhood. That place was ratchet as fuck. We've been friends since we were like kids. Oh, that's dope. Yeah. I was in Baltimore County, but I don't remember anything too crazy going down there except, uh, you know,

I was like one of four white kids at that school. We had like a couple of them got fucked up one day and streaked. Like locked in the cafeteria. The only white kid streaked? You're going to get caught. There's only five of you. Like you and him. Yeah. They came in wearing masks. They were wearing masks with their dicks out. That's awesome, dude.

How'd you catch me? The white butt cheeks from there? I don't remember any crazy scuffles with teachers, really. That's right, man. You sit back. Keep trying not to shit yourself. We'll keep talking over here. The teachers got into it with students around our way.

In our schools and shit Teachers wouldn't give a fuck Yeah Yeah They would snap on you They would do everything Like if you If you came to school And you tried to be loud in class They would say shit Like well that's why your mom bum They don't give a fuck yo Did a teacher ever roast you? Your mom bum You're failing Yeah Yeah cause then you Like you get to come at a grown up one

It taught you how to be funny, but also it kind of blurred the lines between fucking kid and authority figure because if an adult is saying this type of shit to me, then I don't give a... Yeah, we equal. Exactly. You know what I mean? You've completely... The mystique is gone. I don't got to respect you. You just showed me you ain't shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got no self-control. Yeah.

So that's interesting though. So, but then you were later able to maintain, you got, now you have a relationship with everybody. You have that hilarious joke about, I mean, jokes about your family, but how it like didn't work out even though they're a natural pair. Yeah. Your mom, your mom is, she's addicted to drugs and your dad. Fucking drug addict. I mean, drug dealer. Your mom's a drug addict and your dad's a drug dealer. Seems like it would make sense. That seems like it's. It seems like a match made in the trap house, right? Yeah.

That'll work out. But do you, now do you have a relationship with both of them? I got a relationship with my mom. Was building a relationship with my dad, but he still, he never changed his behavior. He still be up one time. Damn, dude. And I was hurt. Of course. I was too old for that shit, though. Of course, dude. It was so funny because I told my wife and she was like, but why would you believe him? Yeah.

Looking for sympathy. Why would you believe him? Because my dad hit me. This was like when I got past at all the comedy clubs. I almost remember like, because, yeah, I remember you getting passed everywhere. And then we had both kind of graduated to working the stand. So I think part of me remembers this when you were kind of building a relationship with your dad. And so it's like, what happened after? So he hit me up.

Cause of course I was fucking doing TV and shit. Yeah, you got the Tonight Show. You fucking start making something out of yourself. Even if he ain't your dad, he'll be like, he look like he need fucking fatherhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A father in his life. So my dad reached out to me. Was it literally the Tonight Show? Um,

i don't know what it was but what he said was he was like hey man i've been i've been hearing your name my friends sent me a couple of your clips so your friends had to find me your friends had to convince you and i tried not to be bitter even though i was sure i remember talking to keith about it keith robinson yeah yeah the best just telling him like like i don't like we don't really have a relationship

And like he wants to hang out. He's like, if I can hang out, hear what he has to say. Like maybe he's the changed man and this, that, and the third. So my dad offers to come to New York. Like he was a caddy or some shit. He was like, I work for this company and I'm going to be caddying for these people up in Dykeman. It's like called Dykeman fucking course or whatever. In the Bronx. Yeah. But it's like a golf course or whatever. So your dad is a retired drug dealer and current caddy. Yeah.

But apparently he is doing great though. Wow. Because I do a joke about it, but like he told me he got his master's degree. Wow. He fucking got remarried and all that shit, right? But this is like the first time that he's like trying to come back in my life. Sure, sure, sure. And I actually met up with him after that, but the first time he came back,

He hit me up. Well, this is like the third time. Because he actually... When I was living in Philly... When I was living in Philly, he surprised me. Like, he popped up because my sister gave him my address. Oh, wow. And then he just fucking pulled and he like hit me up. And he was like, I'm outside. And I'm like, what? What?

And he's outside. What the fuck? And he's with my sister and he takes us out to eat. But here's the thing. He had the chick he was seeing at the time and he took us to a Chinese buffet. That's why this shit was funny. Yeah. Like you can't splurge on your chick. All the money you get the same for not taking care of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we're fucking a Chinese buffet, $12 per person. That's where you take your kids if, as a poor person, you were in their lives. Yes. That's where I had a couple, a lot of important accomplishments were celebrated at the Chinese buffet on Eastern Avenue in Baltimore. I'll tell you that much. Oh, yeah. I fucking really like that buffet. But don't take me to a place that I take myself. Of course.

Like, splurge a little bit. Absolutely. He took us to the Chinese buffet in Northeast. And then we, you know, we having fun. We eating. He's trying to do this whole fucking father shit. Like, oh, make sure you got your grades. I'm like, nigga, shut up. Shut up. What you gonna do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, he didn't have no money. So he, like, asked this chick his, like, porter to the side, man.

And you're going to see it in her eyes. She's like, I don't even know these fucking kids. And I got to pay for this shit? You're going to see it in her eyes. I love that he didn't even run this by her beforehand. That's wild. So that was the first time. Then the second time, he told me that he was coming to New York. And I was like, oh, well, I'm going to be at the stand all night. I'm going to be hanging out.

Yeah, pull up. Let's kick it. Like, I'll leave your name at the door. Did all of that shit. Didn't even tell my wife, though, just because I didn't want to get too excited because a part of me was like, this motherfucker ain't going to show up. Of course. So...

I literally stayed to the last show, which is like, I do my spot. The midnight? Yeah. And he like, you know, you're doing a text and then be like, hey, what's your ETA? Oh, well, maybe like 30 more minutes. And then after that, like, he never responds to texts anymore. Wild. So then I'm like, all right, I got to take that, right? I'm just sitting at the bar. Everybody's like, what's up? How you doing? I got to mask my sadness and shit. Well, you're good, right?

I'm not reliving my most traumatic childhood issue right now. No. I come home. My wife, she can just smell it on me. She's like, what's wrong? You good? I'm like, I'm fine. She's like, what's wrong? I'm like, you know, my dad said he was going to pull up to a show. I left his name at the door and everything. He didn't show up. She was like, oh.

Why would you believe him? Why would you believe he would show up? Like, no pat on the back. No, nothing. It's like, we can't have this conversation tomorrow. Maybe tonight. Oh, I'm so sorry. And tomorrow we can work on future plans. But that's fucking hilarious. But, yeah, so...

The time where I actually met him It was when You know Jermaine Fowler Yeah of course Dude we know This is how Jermaine probably doesn't remember this at all But The first open mic I ever did He was there Cause he was like the little Prince of fucking DC Yeah And I Literally I'm 19 So this is

15 years ago. And Jermaine was like, I think he's my age. He was young as shit. And yeah, he was just like, I think like within three months he was moving to New York and shit. But like, I remember at EJ's landing in College Park, Maryland, this dog shit fucking open mic that it was like, he like popped in, you know, just did his shit, left. And there was me

And then like Six other people All doing the mic Yeah And one drunk guy Damn And that was the first time I ever did comedy In a fucking seafood restaurant Attached to a fucking He definitely don't remember that No chance he remembers that No no no no no When he was recording Give him Hell Kid At um The improv Yeah at the improv yeah I went and

And my dad hit me up. It was like, hey, man. Where did your dad live? He was in D.C.? He lives in D.C. He's from that area. He's from Baltimore. Baltimore. Oh, there you go. I used to live down there with his mom. Oh, wow. Fucking terrible. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. And I'm saying this coming from Philly. Of course. You know what I mean? I'm like, wow, this is pretty bad, yo. Yeah. But so he hits me up. And he's like, yo, man, uh...

When the next time you're going to be in D.C., which is also like, what? Just come to me. Of course. Like, I got to fucking, this father shit only works on your fucking court.

He just dribbled the ball. I'll be your dad if you come over here. Like a girl in your DMs, it's like, next time you're in my city. It's like, you're my father. You're not some bitch I'm trying to fuck. You're my estranged father who has 30 years to make up to me. Take a fucking bus to New York. He wouldn't do it. He would not do it.

So I go, yeah, man, pull up to the show. I left him tickets at the door. Cause there was a bunch of us, me, Keith, Derek, Chris, Dave Temple, um,

And one other person And I Oh Minuant We were all there And I invite my dad out to the show He didn't show up But he hit me up Like right after And was like Yo my bad I got stuck at work That's You should Like what are you gonna What are you doing tomorrow Let's get up Let's hang out I'm like I'm eating with my homies We just gonna Go to the diner And fucking Leave And he was like Alright well let me hang out with y'all

And I'm like, all right. And I didn't tell nobody. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't tell not a single fucking person because I didn't believe it. Of course. I'm like, dumb. Yeah. So then my dad, he actually shows up. Wow. Everybody's like, what the fuck is going on? That's such a weird energy, dude. To bring him to a diner hang. They're like, what the fuck is happening? It's like, hey guys, this is my deadbeat father. I know we're all high as shit trying to eat chicken tenders right now, but you're about to watch some heavy shit. Yeah.

Shows up, same chick from before. No, the lady that bought you fucking General Tso's from a vat 10 years earlier. My fucking, Keith, I can just see it in Keith's eyes. Keith's like, what the fuck is going on? Like, what's happening? I'm like, this is my dad. Yo, dad, this is everybody. Do the introductions and shit. And then he sits down and my dad just starts fucking, oh man, yeah, I follow all of y'all. He don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making shit up. Yeah, y'all are killing it, man. It's good. Y'all do your thing. It's good to watch, man. And he starts crying. He starts crying. And Keith is like, look at that knee. Like, what the fuck?

Did you do this? Like, what's going on? Why would you do this? What the fuck? Crying at the diner with eight comedians. Eight comics sitting there. And I forgot to tell you, before he got there, we was all shitting on Derek's dad.

Derek's dad is great. He's like a pilot. He's like part of... He's like black. He's like... He made black history. He was the first black pilot to fly Air Force One. Wow. Holy shit. So we were all like, no, you didn't. Your dad's a fucking janitor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We just all shitting on each other's dads and shit. When my dad walk in, they're like, what the fuck is going on? That's a win. Right? Dad starts crying. Crying.

Starts crying. Like, everybody's, like, quiet. Like, everybody's like, oh, this nigga ruining the mood. So, like, it's just awkward for a good ten minutes of just, like, sitting down and eating. And then just being, like, answering his questions. That's all it is. Then Jermaine comes in.

And he had just recorded a special. Jermaine just recorded a special. He's late because, you know, I think he was probably fucking celebrating, doing something. All the chicks was on him that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he comes in. He's wiry. Another hilarious. Like, imagine you record your special, huge accomplishment, and a comic you're friends with just brings...

His fucking father. His crack dealer father who's crying in a booth. He'd be like, what the fuck, dude? What the fuck is going on?

So I think it was either Derek or Keith. I do the joke with things, but I make it Derek, but I believe it was Keith because Keith was the most mature out of all of them. It makes sense that it would be Keith. He's probably literally older than your dad. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, so Keith is like, ah, young fella, this is Monroe's dad. And then Jermaine goes...

no, the fuck it isn't. Who's this nigga? He's like, you don't got no dad. And like, we could not help it. Like, everybody's like, and my dad's just so uncomfortable with it. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, all right, y'all got me, y'all got me. I mean, what is he? Y'all got me, all right, all right, all right.

I mean, that's insane, dude. That's like what, and also it's like, what do you expect? You literally came to a table of eight comedians and started crying. It's like, it's got, people are going to mock you on some level. Yeah. That's fucking incredible, dude. That's an insane story. It was the, it was probably one of the greatest moments ever.

We're my friends, yo. Yes, yes. And then afterwards, so my dad dips. Like, he leaves. He stays maybe a couple more minutes. And he's eating, right? His girl's eating. So he's there for a while. Yeah, yeah. So then he gets up. I give him a hug. He dips. He's like, yo, man, when I'm in New York, let's get up. This was great. Blah, blah, blah. This done the third. And then I go back to the table. They make fun of me for a little bit. Of course, of course. The check come. And then Keef go, this nigga didn't

and didn't leave no money. He didn't leave shit. Because he's looking at a check, my dad, like, whatever the combo meal is, he got two of them. So, whatever the meal with the pancakes and the eggs and the sausage, two of them.

Two of them for him and his lady. And dick. Didn't leave a fucking dollar. Holy shit. Didn't leave a ten on the table. Nothing. That's beautiful. Oh, my God. That's poetic, honestly. It is. It's a great joke, man. It's a great joke. I'll tell that story on stage, man. It's a great joke. And there is something really almost... There is something literally beautiful about like...

You're surrounded by the people that have basically become your family. Yeah, absolutely. And it's like, yeah, we get to laugh. Your dad is, you know, you're working on it, but it's like these people are more important in your life. Absolutely. They have helped you in so many more ways. And so that is... And for it to end with that beautiful punchline of somebody has to pay for his fucking eggs. And it was Keith. Of course. Because Keith paid for all of us to eat. And Keith was like, I'm fucking dead. He didn't leave shit.

So the whole car ride back, because we roll, we keep a whole car ride back. He's just shitting on me. Of course. It was beautiful. What's that ride? Five hours? Five hour drive? From D.C. to New York? Yeah. Five hours. Five hours. I mean, I went to sleep, woke up. Fucking dad didn't need no money.

Oh, fuck. That's incredible. Damn, we got to get Keith on here. He'd be such a good guest. You got to get Keith on here. He'd be great. He could tell a lot of stories. Oh, yeah. Well, that's a piece. We're not going to do better than that on the background. People got to know you in a major way. You guys see the specific insights Monroe's going to bring to this. So why don't we solve some fucking problems, Eldis? What do you say? Dial them up, buddy.

So we get to actually talk to people? No, they left voicemails, though. Oh, this is cool. So we'll hear them. Yeah, yeah. We'll hear them. That's good, man. Yes. Will he play it right the first time? Oh, look at that. He's never done it. This is the first episode he did it correctly. I can tell by the way his fingers are. He's like...

He's panicking, dude. He's panicking. Moving like it's a power plant or something. There's two buttons. All right. Hit us, hit us, Eldis. Hey, Scott. Hey, Eldis. Huge fan. Quick question, really.

let me get right down to it. I'm super insecure about how much money I make a year. I mean, my kids' taxes and I just did my taxes and I actually did my fiance's taxes again for the second year. And it's just, I don't know how to feel when I'm

doing her taxes and I see she's making almost six figures and I make 40k a year. And I mean we own a nice house and we have a dog and we're financially good. It's not a problem. I just can't help but feel insecure. Like it's obvious how much more money she makes, how much more money she can put towards the mortgage.

And she's very adamant that it's not a big deal. I mean, she's like a boss bitch. Like, it may be someday we have kids. We've talked about how the facts are, like,

I would probably stick him and watch the kids. Yeah. And she was just getting, being a boss bitch. Like, it's not a problem and that I shouldn't worry about it. But, uh, I mean, I do, I really do. And I, uh,

I don't know, dude. I went to school to be a teacher. I love what I did. I do. And I just, I never really wanted to think about money, but like, holy fuck, I make such shit money. And if I didn't have her, I'd be fucked. So how do I not feel so insecure about that? Maybe it's all in my head, but maybe you have some insight or maybe you got a guess on that. That's something even better in sight.

Thank you so much, Tavi. You're the man. I appreciate you. All right. Okay. Keep on doing what you're doing. I mean, well, first of all, this definitely isn't this guy's... It's like you're a teacher, which is good. You do something good for... At first, I was like, well, what does he fucking do? But teacher who doesn't make money, that's one of the noble things you can do. And it's like...

First of all, let me answer this. This is in your head. You don't think she knows how much money you make? Yeah, you're a teacher. She's fucking a teacher. Yeah, dude. Also, he calls her a boss bitch. She's a boss. She knows you're a broke piece of shit. You think you're sneaking that past this very successful woman? You don't think she clearly accepts so many other parts of you that she might even like that you're a teacher? Speaking of somebody who, like, you know...

With comedy and shit like that, you always got to chase it. I feel like this last year, it's been like go, go, go, busy. It's like I respect people that make less money and do better things in the world than me. Like comedy is fucking bullshit. I don't want a rich... I don't want to be with somebody who's like rich or some kind of like Wall Street woman or some kind of finance thing. It's like...

No, that shit sucks, dude. That pussy probably tastes amazing. She knows about a lot of different pussy serums and oils probably. That's true. And I would be missing out on that. But speaking as somebody, you know, as a boss bitch myself, I don't necessarily, you don't, not all people want the same thing. What you definitely don't want to do here is,

is create a problem in your head and talk yourself out of this finesse job you've done as a broke piece of shit teaching kids how to multiply. She's, you know, on meetings all day making six figures. You're gonna fucking... If you let this keep fucking bouncing around your skull and making it a problem when it's not a problem, you're gonna end up with a fucking roommate at 38. Yeah. And no pussy...

rich or otherwise. So is that what you want to do? Or do you want to just kind of be like, oh, I'm overreacting. Let me think about this. Is this an issue? Because really he's like, so many of these problems are solved with like, communicate this. Like talk. Well, which is kind of weird because they've already had the conversation that he would stay home. So it almost feels like you have talked to her about this. Because six figures a year

And if now he takes away his job, like if he stops working, then that puts more stress on her to actually take care of the entire household. That little $40,000 does help towards something. Like if she's covering a mortgage, it probably helps towards like groceries or fucking...

the car and stuff. So he just doesn't see his value and he puts all his value into money versus being like, how can I be there? How can I be a good supporter of what she's doing? So she's not stressed when she comes home. And that's probably what he's doing. That's right. You're so right. You're so right in that he's putting his value in money because it's like, you don't think she could have somebody richer than you? And by the way, hotter. She could be getting

dick down so much better than you fuck right now. But that's not what she wants. She wants you. She's attracted to whatever kind of loser magic you fucking pulled. You've kind of pulled over. That broke magic. Yeah, you're probably a nice guy. You're a teacher. You love what you do. You're probably empathetic. You're probably a, you know, you support her in ways that are very important to her. You bring other stuff to the table. And at the end of the day, if it's really, truly bothering you and you feel inadequate about it,

Because at the end of the day, it's like, it's how it affects the relationship. You should talk to her about it and say, this is how I'm feeling right

Like, is this something that's important to you? Should I make more? You know, should I approach making more money? But again, that doesn't feel like what this is. It feels like she's probably the kind of person that's going to continue succeeding in her career. And you've already discussed that, you know, when she's making more money and if you have kids, you'd stay home. You probably the fact that's even on the table tells me that you're probably somebody who listens would be a good stay at home parent, right?

So it's like nothing. This is completely in your head. And I would think about why does this matter to you so much?

Because if he really wants to make more money, then stop being a teacher. Exactly. Do something else. Take your teaching abilities and fucking try to create something. Yeah. Right? Because he's not going to make more money if he keeps going down the same path of teaching. It's not like he's going to get to a point and be like, hey, you know all those years of your life you gave to us? Yeah. Now we're going to give you another $40,000. Of course. No. If money is important, he has to create another stream of revenue. But it's

But that's what I'm saying. So it's not important. He just wants to complain about it. That's like, why do you feel this way? What is it about you that's like, you know, the fact that she's making more, is it like a more money thing? You feel inadequate. You feel emasculated. I would just say that's a dumb way to think about it. And that's like, you've been kind of brainwashed.

And we've all... You can't help it being brainwashed by like capitalist shit where it's like your money, your value is the amount of money you create. You know, always thinking about money more so than everything else. When in reality, it seems like you got a fucking nice setup here, bro. Amen. You're with a woman who's providing. You guys have a nice relationship. She doesn't care that you make more money. And it shouldn't matter. Everybody should, in theory...

She's doing what she loves. You're doing what you love. And you figured out a way to your two people who align and you both can do that and your lives are better off for it. And don't think about how you'd be fucked without her because, yeah, we'd all be fucked. Like every that's the true of everything. There could be a whole a whole host of reasons that would completely fuck your life up.

If you weren't in the situation you were in. So maybe that's a little bit of what he's worried about. And if I didn't have her, I'd be fucked. Maybe you feel like a charity case. Maybe you feel inadequate in some ways. But he said her his fiancée, right, Elders? Or did he say his girlfriend? I think he said girlfriend. Scroll up, motherfucker. Let's see, let's see. Or fiancée.

Fiancee. Fiancee. You guys are getting fucking married? Come on, bro. You're doing her taxes, too? She doesn't want to do that shit? She just dumps it on your broke ass ass? Just help her hide the money. That's what you can do. Fucking help her hide some of that shit.

And figure out what these insecurities are about. That's what you need to do. You need to figure out why do I feel this way? Because what you're feeling is dog shit and stupid. You've hit a lottery. Stop looking for reasons to fuck this up. Now, what is that? Is it some kind of, is it a little slight misogyny that like deep down inside, you think the man should be the thing? Is it, do you just feel inadequate? Do you just feel like a failure for only making 40K a year, even though you're a teacher? Do you feel like a charity case? Because without her, you'd be fucked.

Or is it some other crazy shit where it's like you have commitment issues and you're looking for any bullshit reason to ruin a potential marriage and get out of it? I don't know. We couldn't tell you, but that's something you should think about for yourself. But in the meantime, you're in a nice position. Don't talk yourself out of, you know. Your swag has to be off the charts to, like, be comfortable with getting bossed up by your bitch. Like, having your girl, like, make more money than you and stuff.

But I tell this guy, like, I have a friend who's kind of like this. Like, you know, his wife has just killed it in her career throughout their whole relationship or whatever. And I'm sure he, like, thinks about it and shit, too. But it's like, you know, it really is like it really does feel like a common understanding. And you just have to, like, be blindly self-confident.

So this guy, it's like, you know, he doesn't have, he's not blindly self-confident. I know, but he's got it. He's got it. He's got to pick who he wants to be though. He's a fucking sensitive soul. He's a fuck. He's probably an English teacher, probably in a fucking bad neighborhood. You're a good guy, man. Yeah.

Pussy. Yeah, exactly. Just tell yourself. Getting bullied by black teenagers every day. He's got to tell himself, like, my dick is really this good. Like, I deserve it. Yeah, that's true. Some daily dick affirmations. Look at your little pink penis and say, we deserve this. I deserve Whole Foods groceries that my wife gets me. Yeah.

I would be at Aldi's without her. Learn how to cook. Yeah, exactly. Fucking do something, man. Make a nice little spaghetti squash. Play your part. He just has to work. He got to work on himself, man. You do, man. You really have to work on your self-esteem. Here's with another one, Aldis.

Hey, it's Dobby. Quick question for you, man. Love the show. I'm not a fat rascal, but love you, bud. I wanted to ask you a quick question. So I work at a company based in the Netherlands. So I fly out.

once every quarter to get to HQ, meet some colleagues, et cetera. And they're hot, man. So many of these chicks are hot. They're Dutch, so they're hot blonde chicks with blue eyes and awesome tits and all that. So what I wanted to ask you is, do you think inter-office romances are generally a bad idea? Yes, yeah.

I'm an ocean away from these people. Does that make it less awkward? Does that make it more accessible? What can I do here? I want to get some best pussy. Thanks, Dom. You got to fuck someone in your office? You're in fucking Netherlands. Fuck a bitch at the bar. Yeah, I don't get that either. This is crazy.

That's also a confidence thing. 100%. He's like, oh, I got to build a relationship and a rapport with these chicks because he's not confident enough to just go up to a hot chick and start a conversation. Yes. But no, don't fuck nobody at their job. Yeah. I mean, do you... This is a company that flies you out to the Netherlands every quarter. Are you going to fuck it up with your dick? Yeah. First of all, you're not going to fuck good. Second of all...

Second of all, you clearly don't have the confidence to just go fuck. You're there. You're in the country. If you were a guy that gets pussy, you would just get pussy from a different non-employee at the Netherlands. So what you're going to do is make a bunch of weird promises probably, pretend you like them.

You know, and then you're kind of now. Now what? You're like dating somebody long distance. I mean, look, here's another thing. If you want to if you like the Netherlands, you want to fucking move there. You want to you want a blue eyed, big titted wife. You know, that's fine. Maybe that's what you're trying to go for.

Now, is fucking somebody in your office generally a bad idea? I would say generally, yes, it is a bad idea. But it's also a high-risk, high-reward proposition where if it goes right, it could be pretty cool. Now, again, it's not going to go right for you. How often does it go right?

I've never had an office job, like a legit office job. Never had it. Never had any of that shit. Yeah, I guess I haven't had an office job in quite a while. I'm trying to think if I ever fucked a coworker at an office job. No, but I've had friends who have.

I mean, look, I think you can probably get away with it, especially since you're traveling and it's like, oh, the crazy thing. But it's just like, why introduce this level of chaos to your good job? You're truly a fucking idiot for just a little bit of pussy pie to ruin your whole career, potentially. He don't got no tact, because what he should do...

is befriend one of these hot girls that he's attracted to at the office. Be cool. Go out. Now we're talking. And use her to talk to other chicks. Yes, absolutely. Because if they see you already talking to a chick and you're not fawning over her and they're like, oh, this chick fucking, oh, this dude is good with women. That's a great. She can play. Nothing's better than having a woman wingman. You know what? That's a great point. You should befriend them.

not because they're not as a person and as an equal, but as a potential way to get other pussy. Yeah. Because it's not... I know I said that as if I was mocking Monroe. I actually agree. It works, yo. It is a tried and true method. And here's the other thing. Maybe you'll just fucking be friends with them and you've made a friend and you can get pussy through them. And here's the other thing.

It also does open up a backdoor scumbag option where now you have done the coward's way of getting pussy in the Netherlands. You've made a friendship. You try and climb your way out of the friend zone. Why do you got to say it's the coward's way? It's the coward's way. No, to get a chick. No, no, no, no, no. It opens up the backdoor of fucking his coworker.

Oh, okay. So you pretend. Not pretend. I don't think he should fuck the co-worker at all. Believe me, I don't either. But I'm just listing it as a minor pro on the pro and cons list. This guy has no... This guy has... If he is offered pussy from one of these ladies, he will take it.

No matter the consequences. Fall in love with it. Right? Automatically. He will. Yeah. So what I'm saying is, and I know you, I know even though we tell you it's a bad idea. He's going to do it. You would fuck them if they would let you. So Monroe's plan, which is very smart and very good, does open up a back door that maybe you do sort of end up bonding with one of your coworkers through this night out at the bar. And then maybe you do end up fucking them. Yeah. So...

Girls do it all the time. Do you remember growing up? My bad. Remember growing up, women usually would just fucking fuck

or hook up with dudes that they already kind of knew through a friend. Yeah, sure, of course. Because they vetted you. Of course. So they go, I'm not going to touch your dick, but you cool enough to where if you had a cute friend, I would just use you to get close to the cool guy. Right, right, right. How come he can't play that same game? I think that's a very nice game. And I think that's also... Think like a woman. Steve Harvey's Think Like a Woman. It's the follow-up. The mustache over here. Yeah.

All right. So let us know if you fuck one of your coworkers or if you get any pussy in the Netherlands at all, my friend. He don't know how to use Tinder or whatever. That's true. That's true. Maybe he might be ugly. Yeah. He might be ugly, which in a hot country can be a problem. Yeah.

I'm not getting pussy in the Netherlands if they don't know who I am. They're not fucking a 5'7 fat guy over there. Actually, you know what? I might be such a novelty that maybe I can get pussy that way. But if you're just some fucking short...

non-attractive guy in fucking the Netherlands, dude. All the girls were like sick. They're models. He might just be an average looking guy so he thinks with his personality through work I can get some of this kind of pussy. Which again, I remember that. That was my move before I was popping for sure. In Baltimore, I definitely did some long term attempts at getting pussy. He should do it. I mean, it's probably a big company. He could probably...

You probably heard about this. It's probably a big company. He should fuck her. It's probably a big company. It's like if it goes bad, it'll blow over. Once every three months. He's good. All right. The opposing view. Yeah.

If he's a terrible lay, then he has to worry about that spreading. Even if she never says anything, he's going to approach the energy of like, why isn't she? What's going on? Did she tell other people? To him, he's not worried about the aftermath. He's worried about experiencing that terrible thing.

You know, it's like to him, it'd be great. Yeah, it'll be bad for her. But it'll be one of the best. It'll be some of the best seven minutes of his life. He's like, I talked to this woman for like an hour today already. We're at this happy hour. I love the idea, by the way, that he thinks...

He could fuck his coworkers. He probably can't, even if he tried his absolute hardest. No, not at all. No, they weren't even thinking of him like that. They were like, oh, we got this dude from the fucking United States. Oh, it's Fat Mark from Cincinnati. Oh, look, it's little Fat Mark from Cincinnati. Do you want some hot dogs, Fat Mark? You're not getting pussy, dude. But hey, hopefully you do, and good luck.

Hit us with another one, Elders. Hey, name's Billy. First time for a long time. Listener all day. What's up, Billy? Here's the situation. So got a best friend. He had a kid and been sort of helping raise the kid for the last few years and sort of fell in love with his wife.

Yeah, we kind of fooled around a little bit. No! What? No, no, no. What the fuck is this? Walking Dead? No, this is fucked up. Hold on. I helped raise this kid. This is a lie. I fell in love with his wife. He fucked his best friend's wife? He's a scumbag. All right, finish this. Let's figure out if this is a lie or not. This is crazy. No, no, you're right. It's like the top three orgasms of her life. Okay, it's your best friend's wife. But, uh...

Now it's over. I doubt that though. Top three orgasms. That's something she says. I caught feelings the entire way through. So I guess the question is, how do I recover this while like not seeming desperate? Like picking up on a, uh, or picking up after a breakup, like where I had a, uh,

Thought about doing a future thing with her and all that stuff and living a life with her and all that shit. Oh, he a trash man. One man's trash is another man's treasure. Also, like, late 30s.

All that shit. So, uh, yo. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's the word? He's basically saying they fucked around for a while. She cut it off. But this is his friend's wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not an ex-wife. Yeah. His current friend's wife. Yes, presumably. That's what it sounds like. Yeah, with his wife. What the fuck? Scandalous.

And his question is, how do I recover this? He raised it and he said he helped out with the kid. Like, it's one thing. Now, the only thing I can hope is that he's a bad storyteller. Yeah. And his friend had a kid.

They were separated. He's helped raise the kid. He's a constant presence in this kid's life. And he, through kind of helping his boy out, he interacted with the guy's ex, his baby mama. He took pussy payments. And he just like fucked her. That's what he did. He took pussy payments. Which would be atrocious behavior in and of itself. It was terrible. Which, if they were even divorced...

or whatever, would be an insane best friend. Your best friend's ex-wife would be one of the worst things you could do, topped only by fucking his current wife after he had a kid. So damn, right after the stitches from having a kid, this man's getting pussy? Dude. This has to be fake. Yeah, I feel like it's fake. Did you ever watch Walking Dead? This was the relationship between Rick and his friend.

Yeah. So that's why I'm like, this is... Yeah, this is a Walking Dead story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This ain't his real life. Okay, in the half chance that this is real, you're a fucking piece of shit. This is a comeback. You're a borderline irredeemable cocksucker. Yeah. I mean, dude, what the fuck? Was he helping his wife raise a kid or his boy raise a kid? I'm really hoping he's a bad storyteller. Like...

So I got a best friend. He had a... We haven't talked about the friend ever since. Is the friend dead or something? Like, you're talking... This has to be a lie. Yeah. There's too much that doesn't add up. And I'm hoping it's a lie because this is fucking crazy if it's not.

This has to be fake. Yeah, I don't know. I just settled for he's a piece of shit. I don't know what else to say. There's no advice. Thought about a future thing with her. Yeah. This has to be fake. If it's not fake, call back with more details because right now it feels fake. But what's up with all these people who can't get no ass? He can't get his own ass? All these women out here. Welcome to Savi's World. All these women.

And he gotta go to another man's woman. This sounds like rap crazy. You know, rappers be fucking each other's wives and shit. But that, you know, I do think something like that happens when it is people that don't fuck at all because they mistake like being...

Being nice. Yeah. And like an intimacy that forms with a close friendship. Yeah. They mistake that with like. Oh they like me. Love. Yeah. You know. And it's like no. That's just like. What like a good. Close. Like community of people feels like. But when you haven't had that at all. And you don't fuck. And you want to fuck. And she's hot. Yeah. Then you're like. I think I actually. I'm in love with her. And she's in love. And you know. Sometimes. We don't know if she's hot. He didn't say what. For him she is. For him she is. He doesn't sound like he. You know. Fucks either. But.

That's crazy, man. Can we get one that's definitely real, Eldest? How are we doing on time, buddy, by the way? No, I'm good, man. I got a confession. I thought you said your name was Elvis earlier. No, no, no, Eldest. I said, Elvis, nice to meet you. Eldest, okay. Yeah, that's okay. Happens all the time. Everyone thinks it's Elvis, but no. Speaking of, let's get back to basics here. Let's do it.

Hello, Chopo Bon. What is this? Anyways, Albanian. I married my wife. She's from Albania about two years ago. And we're finally flying her parents to the United States. This is my first time meeting them in person. They don't speak much English. So communication is going to be tough. So they're coming to St. Louis, Missouri. I'm just wondering, man.

How am I going to entertain these guys? What would these guys want to see in your opinion?

Thanks for the help. Love the podcast. I think I have an idea. Could you pin two minorities against each other in a wrestling match? Yeah. Could you throw firecrackers at a Jewish toddler until he's bloody and begging for mercy? These are the kinds of things that the Albanian mind finds enriching. I would say that thing. It's St. Louis, so there's a lot of all of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right. Okay, so you've got your in-laws coming from Albania. After you've deloused them, after you've run them nude through an industrial car wash and let them in your home, there's a couple different things you can do to entertain them.

I don't fuck elders. This is your area of expertise. How do you how do you entertain Albanians? How do you? Well, let's before we open the floor up to the Albanian coalition. Have you dealt with the culture? Have you met with your your here's the thing. My I only have a father in law because my wife's mom passed when she was a kid. OK, but her dad's cool as shit. He's taken me to eat. Yeah, we take him out to eat.

Yeah. It's easy. Yeah, it's easy. Immigrants that have been in America for a while, because, you know, they get it. But coming straight off the plane... He just wanted to make sure I wasn't a bum. That was pretty much it. Once he seen, like, what I...

like showed him the ring that I was getting his daughter like he I see our relationship like completely changed but he was always nice but then it became like he thinks of me when he goes grocery shopping and shit he'll be like oh here I got this from Monroe so hey man if I can buy like I don't know yeah yeah I have to I didn't have to go through that that's good yeah yeah yeah what would you say Aldis as somebody how would you how would you when your relatives come over what do you do

Honestly, I wouldn't overthink it. I mean, I could just hear it in his voice. I'm assuming this guy has no swag in the kitchen. So don't go crazy trying to cook some crazy thing. I mean, this isn't a joke. Maybe find a nice Greek restaurant and take them out to there. Just something that's kind of familiar food. Or even if you could find like an Albanian one or something.

Or if you want to let your nuts hang. Or if they want to go to an Albanian restaurant. If they're from... I'm like, I don't want to eat this fucking shit. You know what? I've had their fucking villagers, dude. They don't know any better. I've had... It depends what the parents are like, but I feel like a lot of Albanian adults I've known have been like, not really adventurous eaters. Yeah. You don't want to go sushi or something crazy. No, no, but you know what you could do that I think all kind of bulk and whatever, and it might even feel like kind of special or fancy. It's like a steakhouse, a nice steakhouse. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It's like Greek people like that shit. Like, and it's kind of fancy. It might hurt your pockets a little bit, but you know, whatever. Yeah. You owe you fucking his daughter. Yeah. Treat him to a steak. Yeah. Yeah. Take him to the steakhouse. Do a little meal. Go. Honestly, just like the most.

Basic-ass shit you can think they'll have. Go downtown and walk like the tacky-ass. What I would do is take them to your bathroom and turn the faucet and let them watch the water run. And first they'll be scared, but once they get over that, they'll be like, what is this? How the fuck did you get water inside? Especially the automated ones. Yeah.

How was the water on after 10 p.m.? Who did you bribe? Which one of the Kazakh overlords did you fucking bribe to keep the water running? But yeah, dude, fucking take him out to dinner. You know what it fucking is. It sounds like he's also a little self-conscious about being a fake Albanian. Yeah. That's what your real issue is. Because entertaining the in-laws, fancy dinner. Mm-hmm.

Maybe a show. I mean, you're in fucking St. Louis. I would say maybe a show. Yeah, take him downtown. Take him to whatever the thing is. Honestly, go downtown like a three, four-hour afternoon walking around the shops and shit. Get a little coffee and dessert or something. That's really all you need. Don't got to overthink that one. Shopping. But yeah, but it sounds like he's... Because he's also Albanian, but he's like...

You know, he's clearly self-conscious about the language barrier, about not being able to, you know, entertain, which I sort of get. I mean, I'm lucky. Like, if I were to date somebody from Greece and her parents came, I can get by. But I have plenty of friends who it's like, it's a little stressful to think about a fully Greek person that doesn't speak. Even for me, it's a little stressful. I do speak Greek. Oh, I don't. Yeah, and I could get away with it. I could be fine. But even though it would be a little uncomfortable, but...

It's, you know, whatever. That's a good point, too. Do a little Google Translate research. Come up with some fun little phrases you want to have ready in the back pocket. Yep. That'll amuse them or something. Yeah, but what if they have follow-ups? And then you're just like, this is all I got. This is all I studied. It's just like trying. I mean, they know he's a fucking dumbass. They know he doesn't know this shit. And yeah, look, he's married. Yeah. It's fine. You don't even have to approve at this point. You're in, so. You're in there. You'll be fine, bud.

Yeah, do some touristy shit. That's really all you got to do. And if you live around black people, pretend you don't. They really won't like that. They don't like black people? Albanians? Yeah. Nah. I got a little, I got, unfortunately, Monroe, if you have to pick a country and ask, do they like black people? You're like, nah. The money's on no. The safe money's on no. That makes sense. So what if this black friend comes up to someone and he's like, no, no, no. No, yeah, he'd be like, oh.

Get out of here, man. This is a criminal I've rehabilitated. I'm not that bad.

I was in Albania one time. We were walking around the capital. It was me and my cousin. I see like a black ass dude or something. Why do you guys say black ass dude? I mean, he was just African or something. A black guy. You couldn't just say black guy. I see a black guy. He was black as shit. He was real black. He was mad black. What can I say? I turned to my cousin. I was like, damn, what's a black guy doing here? He was like, I don't know, probably a soccer player.

player. So I think that's like the extent of exposure to, uh,

That's true. What if he was like Dominican? Nah, they definitely don't got Dominicans in Albania. They don't have different flavors of black people. They got the one. They got classic African in Europe. They don't have different. But it was crazy being there and hearing this language I speak at home all throughout this country and seeing people that look like my parents and shit just seeing someone of a different race. It was like, whoa.

That's kind of weird. You can see how they'd be like dumbass racists or something. Oh, yeah. Well, it is. But it's also strange. Yeah, it's so strange to go when you grow up in America and you grow up in like a little

pond version of this culture to go to the country you're like god damn this is almost like disorienting because even the language like the Greek I speak is whatever my parents remembered from when they moved here 40 years ago and it's like we don't have any of the cultural references like it's always weird to go back it's cool I like it and at some point in my life I'd love to spend like

A year, like an extended period of time just to really try and get into it. But I could see why this guy would be nervous. Because when you compound in-laws with foreign culture, with visit. Move out of St. Louis. St. Louis also does suck. That's another thing. That's how you're going to impress him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go to a major city. Let's do one more. What do you say, Eldis? Yeah, we good. Yo, Mr. Hacios.

Uh, shit, man. I'm looking for advice. You know, I'm making decent money. I'm living in the Midwest. I got kicked out of New York with you guys as rate hikes. You guys. Man, I'm not happy here. It's 1 a.m. and I just hit on the trashiest fucking white chick I've ever hit on in my life. I'm kidding. I'm running back to him. Man, I'm not happy here. It's 1 a.m. and I just hit on the trashiest fucking white chick I've ever hit on in my life.

And I want to get back to New York. And I don't know, man. I don't know if I should be getting back or not. And, you know, any advice is appreciated. I say move back. I'm never leaving New York. I agree. I mean, he clearly wants to be here. I got kicked out of New York with you guys' rate hikes. We didn't do nothing. What do you mean rate hikes? I think he must have meant rent. He must have meant rent. This motherfucker doesn't have a mortgage. Yeah. Yeah.

But also, like, places got cheaper in New York during the pandemic because they were just trying to get everybody to move here and stay here. They're back. The prices are back now, though, I think. Yeah, they're back. It's landlord's revenge out here. The rents are crazy. Yeah. Rents are crazy across the board. I mean, even the cities that, like, people moved to, because I think that happened a lot. A lot of people left big cities and went to, like, you know, relatively big, you know, like, bigger, you know, random little...

You know, like you saw Texas, lots of big towns in Texas, Austin, everybody moved there. A lot of people moved to Florida, South Carolina, all that kind of shit. So look, man, your options are, you got two options, basically. It's like, and look, I get loving New York. I get love, you know, I don't ever want to leave either. I'm with you, Monroe. So either fucking buck up and move back and get a fucking roommate or whatever. I don't know. You said you're making decent money.

And also, where in the Midwest are you? Yeah. Your option, here's your two options. Go back to New York and just fucking take it. Or maybe you just move to, the Midwest is a huge place. Where are you talking about? There are some great cities there. There are some atrocious cities there. Maybe you could be somewhere better. Maybe you could split the difference.

Chicago. Chicago's great. I like Chicago. Chicago's nice. I mean, if we're talking about the East Coast and you miss that kind of vibe, honestly, Philly's not a bad little junior in New York. Philly ain't, whatchamacallit, Midwest though. But I'm just saying, he's talking about how he's in the Midwest. You think Philly's a junior in New York? Then I haven't been to Philly in a while.

Huh? Everything in Philly closes like 11 o'clock. Well, you know what I'm saying. It's like East Coast, Eastern Sea. The vibe, yeah. Mid-Atlantic. I kind of almost feel that way about how it's like Baltimore to Philly to New York is kind of like a Pokemon evolving. Yeah. You know, where it's like... Yo, somebody else... I was working with a writer and she said that. Oh, interesting. Yeah, and that was funny. But she didn't say the Pokemon thing. She was just like, yeah, please.

You think D.C. is better than Philly? No, no, no. I didn't say D.C. I mean Baltimore is better. No, motherfucker. Baltimore is Charmander. Oh, okay. Charmeleon Charizard. You know what I mean? She said it the other way. No, no. I love Baltimore. She basically claimed that Baltimore was like a better city than Philly. I love Baltimore.

The city, it's just also smaller. Like, if you look up, if you even just look at it in basic, you know, population terms, Baltimore, I don't know. I don't know what we have. It's small. Philly's definitely bigger. Yeah. But look, either you go back to New York and you fucking, you just fucking get kicked in the teeth and whatever. It ain't that bad.

It just depends on where he wants to live. Like, if he's trying to live in Manhattan. Yeah, no. Move to Brooklyn. Move to Queens. I love Queens. We're a couple of Queens fellows here. I love Queens. I love it, too. So he also just hit on the trashiest fucking white chick he's ever hit on. By the way, he's not fucking her.

He hit on her. And he's calling into the show. Yeah. So maybe if he had just gotten a nut off, he'd love living in fucking Toledo or wherever the fuck he's in. I don't believe it.

Yeah, that's what it is. I just hit on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who brags about that shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brags about getting turned down. Exactly. You're mad at the quality of pussy that doesn't want to fuck you in the shitty city you're in. I will say that. You will get rejected by much hotter women in New York than wherever you are. But your numbers, you get to play the numbers game here. Oh, my God. You know what I mean? Girls here will fuck quick. In a way. Yeah.

Girls here love to fuck. It's a great city. New York rules, man. There's no way around it. When I was single, I used to take the Chinatown bus sometimes, like back to Baltimore. Oh, yeah. And it's like you're swiping through all of the Baltimore area on Tinder in like three and a half hours. Absolutely. Then you're like waiting for that shit to refill. Yeah, it sucks. When you get to New York, you're like, oh.

It's never ending. It's never ending. You know what? That's another thing. Here's another great move Eldest would pull. He was the first one to move. And when you come back to a shittier city from New York, just being from New York, dumb bitches will fuck you in a shitty city. Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. You know what this guy should do? He should move to a different city every two weeks and pretend he's visiting from Brooklyn. Airbnb. Yeah.

He didn't even gotta move to a different city. Just Airbnb to different spots. Say you're in town for the week from fucking Bed-Stuy. You will get pussy at whatever horrible town you're in. That's actually your solution there, buddy. Traveling guy pretending to be from New York.

That's our advice, pal. Good luck to you. Monroe, thank you so much for doing the show, bro. Thank you for having me on, man. It was great. So funny. You got to come back. Anything you want to plug? Anything people wish to see? It'll come out in a while. It'll probably take a month. All right. So just follow me on social media. MonroeMartinIII on Instagram and MonroeMartinComedy.com is the website. I love it. Follow Monroe. So funny. Thank you, man. Such great stories and great advice. Appreciate it, man.

Yeah, that's going to do it for us, guys. Call 904-800-STAV if you want to have your questions answered by me, Eldest, and our esteemed guests this week. And, yeah, we'll be back. A lot of cool announcements coming up. The tour is going. Stavi.biz for that. And we'll see you. We'll see you later. Bye. See you.