Esther Povitsky
01:52:07 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. I'm very happy to have Esther Kavitsky with us on the show today. Eldest working on that fade out. It was still a little fast. That's

That's a good song, right? We could have let that play a little bit. I like it. Yeah. It inspires me to move my body. Yeah, it's important. I couldn't sit still. A little movement, a little, you know, you want to get loose a little bit, put you in the mind frame for podcasting. Thanks everybody for coming and watching the show. 904-800-STOP. Call in if you want us to solve your problems. We will obviously get to that. We'll

We'll solve a lot of people's problems. That's about half the show. We like to get in there. We'll take some voicemails. People will see your expertise. I think you can really lend to certain questions. You've dealt with certain issues, I think, that can help other people. We all have our little expertises. We do. I'm very curious what issues you like are...

Assuming I've dealt with. Yeah, well, okay. Because the most research we do for this show is I'll watch a special, you know? And your special was really funny. Yeah, it was really great. And my favorite part of the special, it was, I mean, the jokes were great, obviously, but it was so smart to get your parents in there. Oh, thank you. Because it's like every comedian says their parents are the reason they do comedy, and then, like, you see your parents, and it's like, oh, it's like...

crazy how much it's these people's fault yeah like my goal was for my this is i think i'm the only comedian whose goal for her special their special was for my stand but to be the least funny part of it like i knew my parents would steal the show and i was confident comfortable with that that's good that you're because like that would also like

We're different. Our parents forced us to doing it in different ways. But like I would be pissed if like, you know, my parents like if I was getting upstaged on my own special, you know, like we come from from a different from a little bit of a different like my comedy for me is like.

Yeah, I'm gonna do my own thing. You motherfuckers have no idea. Oh, yeah. Well, how is it your parents' fault? Did they not believe in you or not respect you? It's that nice mix of one parent really believed in me. Like my mom. Best mom in the world. And then my dad. Not the worst dad in the world, but he's the best bad dad. I'll put it that way. He was around...

but he still qualifies as a bad dad. You know what I mean? Like just abusive enough. You know what I mean? Just like, just emotionally, plenty emotionally withholding, you know, just the classic immigrant, like guilt trip. Both of them guilt. Even my mom, who's like a big, you know, who's a great, great mom, definitely a guilter. But so yeah, I think that combination of the one parent and especially as a guy, I feel like,

Especially if like your mom is the really nurturing one. It's like you kind of believe in yourself a little more. And then your dad is the one who doesn't. It's like you have more of a like, well, fuck, fuck authority. I'm going to like, I'm going to prove it type of thing. I've also heard that like if like the girl really needs the dad and the guy, a guy really needs the mom. Is that true? I don't know.

I don't know. It sounds right. You know, like that's the level of psychology we're dealing with here. Stuff we heard, stuff that feels kind of right. You know, we've been, are you a therapy guy? Have you been, are you a big therapy head or no? Yes and no. Like I recently discovered that I, like I think the source of all of my whole personality is that my parents emotionally neglected me. Yeah.

Like no one, I always would say like I was raised, I was watched, but I wasn't raised. Like I was kept safe, but no one like interacted with me. I feel like everyone to a certain extent was raised like that. I don't know. Do you relate to that? I don't think, see, I don't think so because, um,

Like, I don't know. So like I come from a real immigrant, but like my parents are super first generation Greek immigrants. All my best friends like Eldis, who we've been friends as we were kids, you know, fresh off the boat. This mother this motherfucker couldn't speak English when he came to America from Albania. He stepped he stopped in Greece for a little bit. So we have that bond. But yeah, everyone I grew up around was like.

Just, like, it's, like, real... That real immigrant over-the-top, like, both watched and, like... Everyone is so emotional, like, where I come from. And everyone is so... Like, puts everything on their kids. And, like, you know, it's, like... Like, for me, it was the kind of thing where... Oh, I had to, like...

be a lawyer or something like first born son. I was pretty smart. So it's like some real old school, old world, like very emotional shit. So actually like I didn't have that experience at all where it was like, in fact, it's almost like they're on top of you, but they're not keeping you that safe. Like you can still go do a bunch of shit. You get fucked up at 12. You know what I mean? Like we grew up in Baltimore. You could just, I feel like we just snuck in. We were the last generation that can like

like kind of play outside and like just be gone for like hours at a time. Yeah. Both parents worked. So it's like, you know, you didn't have, you had a lot of time to, so I almost feel like we got like a yin and yang situation where it was like emotionally super present. And then like, but not, you know, not, didn't feel particular and they were protective. Don't get me wrong, but it's like when you're so busy, when you're poor, when you live in a shitty city, it's like plenty of danger sneaks in on your kids type of thing. Um,

But yeah, it was so fascinating to look at your parents because we didn't know. We just met for the pod. But you see people...

you just see like somebody's headshot or you see like a clip, like, you know, you feel like you kind of know or you guess like other comedians. And it's like, it was really cool to see your family because I would have guessed honestly totally different. Really? Yeah, I don't know. I just see like a, like a Jew, like cute Jewish girl. I would have thought Jappy. You know what I mean? Like, like I would have thought like a little bit and it's like such a different, like your parents were so, like your dad, I guess, is the Jewish one. Yeah. And he doesn't, he doesn't read super Jewish. You know what I mean? He doesn't read like

But your mom is like super not Jewish. Exactly. Your mom is like crazy, just like a white lady. Yes. I was recently like talking about this with someone how like...

I am always in a state of confusion because like my dad was so Jewish culturally and my mom was such a not Jewish person that I'm like always confused. I don't know. And like, also there was no united front. It was never like, where are your parents? And we think this, it was like one day this and one day it's the other. And I'm like, what do I do? Like even a couple of years ago,

When I was like having really bad anxiety and stuff, I was... My mom was like, you need to start a medication. And my dad's like, absolutely not. Yeah.

And they're like, figure it out. Yeah. We're not going to tell you. Yeah. Which one do you love more? Go with what they have to say. Like every, every choice is like a referendum on their parenting. Even now in my thirties, my dad will still frequently be like, if we get a divorce, who are you going to? Why do I have to?

I still don't know. Do you think that's even in the cards? Like, he's just torturing you? He's just torturing me and, like, wants to know and wants to,

Oh, interesting. You know, mom will do the laundry and keep my life clean and keep me fed, but dad will keep it fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a hilarious moment. Like, almost every interaction with your parents is so funny that you cut to, but there was such a funny moment where you ask your mom, who's mom am I, your best friend? And she says, I don't have a best friend. Yeah.

Like that is such a fucking insane. That's such an insane thing to say to your kid. I'm so glad you get it. Oh my God. That was so fucking funny. That's like, that's,

That's like when you're trying to reject someone nicely on, like, Tinder. You know what I mean? So he's like, hey, do you want to hang out? Like, we never hang out. And then they're like, well, I never really hang out with anyone. It's like your mom was giving you, like, a soft rejection. It was so fucking wild. Oh, my God. I feel so understood. I'm really glad that you get it. Yeah, because I do. I just perpetually, like, even in my stand-up now, I'm like, okay, like, my new opener this week has been, like,

I'm a sad, lonely woman. I mean, I am engaged, but I'm still, like, I'm never not going to be sad and lonely inside, I think, because of... Were you an only child? I was a half-only child, which is not really a real thing. But older, half-sister from my mom's first marriage, like eight years older, so very different. And then also added to the mix where it was like, I was never allowed in her room because she said I would get my dead skin cells in there.

And she was also like taller and prettier, bigger boobs. Like just, just like another element to making me a crazy person. Oh, totally. Totally. I can't be like her. She won't let me near her. So not every fucking woman I meet, I'm like, can I come in here? Like I just am obsessed with them. I don't know. Do you have siblings? I have two, I have two brothers. They're twins. So they were just like, but I was the big brother. So it was like,

They just kind of... We had like a fun... When you have like two... There's three of us. There was always like a shifting alliance type of thing where it's like two are always on the same side and one is always like the asshole that's left out. Oh, that's cool though that you were included in the mix. Totally. The twin. Well, they're fraternal twins. We're test two babies. We're an affront to God. Neither me or my brother should exist. Suck my dick, God. We made it.

Wait, what does that even mean, test two babies from that era? So we were like, honestly, there was one generation before us, before me. Like, I was born in 89. So it was like one batch in like, I think, 88, 87. And I was like one of the first. I was like the second batch in like that hospital of kids. Yeah, it's pretty wild. Yeah.

Really, it means your dad beats off and they put it in your mom. That's really... It's a pretty... I mean, I'm sure there's more to it. I'm sure they like spin it around so you get the good nut or whatever. You get the top notch jizz. They have some kind of jizz Olympics and then whoever gets the gold medal gets to... They pick those and then they put like eight...

He put like eight embryos. So like I was one. Oh, so it was IVF. IVF. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'm like a woman by 30. So I know this stuff. So you know about IVF. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like jizz. There's so much.

Yeah, there is some science to it. But yeah, so my parents tried to have kids. Sometimes I think about how lucky I am that they didn't have kids when they wanted to. I'd be like some fucking Gen X, like Nirvana fan right now. I'd be some fucking loser that didn't have the internet growing up. You know what I mean? I'd be like some guy with a cock ring with like a Depeche Mode t-shirt. Wait, why is that so accurate? Why is the thought process so accurate?

What is the thought of being Gen X? Like such an ick? It's disgusting. Yeah. Oh, like I know. But also millennials are gross too, but it's better. For sure. Because we did have the internet. Did you grow up? Okay, because you're like the same age as me. Did you grow up a creep in AOL chat rooms? I didn't because we were too broke to have the internet for a while. Okay. So it was like, it was late for me. As soon as I got it and we were, you know, we're working on dial up. Like. Yeah. I get caught like emailing myself like.

of a lady wrestler's tits. You know what I mean? Like, that's how I get caught. But I never really did. Elders, you were all over the early internet though, right? I was in those creepy chat rooms. I was, like, in the lesbian chat. Yeah. I remember, like, there were two different times where I was, like, pretending to be a lesbian and sending, like, just random nudes I found to, like, trade. What?

One person was like, wait, that's a different person. And I was like, oh. And then one time I was like doing it with a guy who was also pretending to be a lesbian. Why, Elvis, do we have the same origin story? Like we've probably met before in a chat room. Because my thing is I was always downloading pictures of naked women and sending them because I was a kid. But I'm like, oh, look.

I'm like, looking back, I should have just been honest that I was a 10-year-old girl. Yeah, yeah. Then guys would have liked me more. Yeah. Well, a certain kind of guy would have really liked you. Yeah. I would have cleaned up. But yes, like sending pictures of naked women. So wait, you were sending pictures of naked women like to be cool? Like, oh, this is me. Like, because I was trying to get like a guy. I see, I see. But yeah, it's so, it's really. Oh, interesting. But I also did like.

So you were catfishing very early on. Yeah. You were doing sexual catfishing. Yeah. I would do that and then I would like jump back to like educational games. Hell yeah. Fuck. What was that game? Jumpstart Fourth Grade. With like the robot and shit like that that you had to like. Do you know what I'm talking about? Look up Jumpstart Fourth Grade. That sounds kind of familiar. Obviously we have the classics. Your Carmen Sandiego's. Your Shreganona. You ever play Shreganona? No. I don't know that. I had.

Yes, this one, yes. Jumpstart games were really fun for me. I fucking definitely played a lot of Jumpstart. There was one with a robot, though, that I feel like I played more. Did you ever play the one that I used to have, Stav? I would return to that many, many times. Probably. I probably learned it. It's like an alien, maybe a robot, something crazy as shit. Yeah, something like that. But the box looks a lot like, it might have been a Jumpstart game, but just a different one. Different year. I had first grade, second grade. Yeah. I was really balling.

ball in. So you had no supervision in the internet basement? No, except sometimes my mom would come downstairs to use the microwave. The microwave was downstairs? Yeah. Interesting.

Now you know everything that you need to know. Now, is that like a... Because this is how much of an immigrant my family was. We didn't have a microwave because they didn't trust the technology. So it was like, my dad was like, we're not getting fucking radiation poisoning. Like, literally. That's actually so smart because now there's a lot of like famous Hollywood rumors about women that like they will not allow microwaves near them because of the radiation. So your dad was like a hot ass.

actress. That's so smart of him. Yeah. But that wasn't what it was for your family. It wasn't a radiation scare. No. My mom was like from the Midwest and also poor and so it's like they just we ate. You know what I

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like nobody cared about our health. Like hot dogs all the time. But the microwave was down. It didn't get primed. I think it was a counter space. We had like a small house. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. I don't know. That's fucked. Damn, you really got to nail that microwaving. You can't be going back and forth. You got to fuck. You fucked that up and you're upstairs with a whole cold hot pocket. It is so. That's brutal. Yeah.

You must have eaten plenty of middle cold Hot Pockets. Well, it really incentivizes eating in the basement. Sure, sure. You know what I mean? You just stay down there. It is...

to be clear, it is five steps, but, but it's still, that's a big mental chasm, chasm. As far as I'm concerned, I just learned that chasm is pronounced chasm and not chasm. I did not know that. A classic word you've read before and never said out loud situation for me. I made you think I was smart because of the jumpstart game. No, that's a game. It's a games for babies to be clear. That's not what did it. I wasn't like, damn, this bitch can multiply. Yeah.

She's a genius. She knows what a rhombus is.

That's hilarious, though. Games for babies. I love that. So your setup was the basement is like a classic suburban, like, get into some shit. Yeah. Like, get into a chat room, potentially have some pedophiles DMing you type of situation. Also, the basement is like, have friends over, turn the lights off, play the theme song from Hannibal, and make

Get people scared, get them horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Bust out the Ouija board. Of course. Like, I do think that as a child, I was sort of running a sex cult. Like, in my mind. I didn't hurt anybody, but, you know. Everything was consensual. They gave me permission to take those pictures. No, I get you. Yeah.

You seem like you maybe had like a basement life. Well, we did have it, but our basement was the kitchen. That's the problem. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, it's brutal. So like because the house, so I grew up in Baltimore in like a townhouse that's like, you know, these places, we grew up like pretty Ellis Island style where it was like,

I had my own room after being like, I need my own fucking room. But my brother's split room and my grandmother was in the room next to mine. And then my parents, the second floor, they turned part of it into a bedroom. And then the rest of it was like the living room. And then the basement was like...

you know, laundry and then like kitchen. And so, and my dad made his office there, which he never touched one time. And it was like a little alcove. It wasn't even like, it was a step. It was like this much taller. Like he installed an extra step so that it was like a little, I don't even know what the idea was. To assert dominance. Yeah, maybe it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dad's always to man an office and then never use it. He had a fax, back in the fax machine days, that's where the fax was. Oh, okay.

But he never, like, you know, he truly never used it, like, ever. And it just took up valuable space. But the kitchen was, it did take a lot of the basement. That was definitely a hang zone where it was like, especially because I'm like, you know, I've been a glutton since I was a little kid. So the second that I got to be unsupervised in the basement was,

I was fucking chef and yeah cooking shit up The whole but we had the whole set up right so was it so but I did a lot of hanging out like the Nintendo was down there like we played Nintendo down there remember all this that was the fucking yeah the Power Rangers game Yeah, I think I do We're just crushing the Power Rangers game. I play a lot of Pokemon down there Yes, where you could plug the thing into the Nintendo. I don't know if you ever did that. I

No, but I had like the, there was a small moment in time in the 90s where there was this Pikachu pedometer. Wow. Like it would, you would strap it to your belt and then like walk around and it would count your steps. You were counting steps as if it was like a child? And it was a Pikachu. Wow.

And like it was like a Pikachu Tamagotchi. So that was my relationship with Pokemon. I never really got into the card games. You don't seem like a gamer to me. Like I very. Outside of the Jumpstart franchise. I have a very basic like Crash Bandicoot was my game. I got really committed and like

those three were my... Yeah. That's interesting. I know plenty of hot girls that crash band the cooters their game. Really? I think that there's something to that. We have a mutual friend who's in... I know a couple girls. Maybe it's more fun. It was like... It's like easy entry level. You don't have to like...

It's not about like fighting beasts. Right, right, right, right, right, right. And Crash is kind of just like, yeah, that does make sense. He's like a comforting little bandicoot. Crash is a nice little bandicoot. Is that what he is? He is a bandicoot. That's correct. Okay. No sexual feelings towards Crash though, or was there something to him? No, I did not have the hots for him. No, no, no. Okay, cool. There was a moment in time though where I was like, wait, is SpongeBob the ideal man? Yeah.

Like, blonde, blue eyes, flat stomach. Sure, sure. Sense of humor, self-deprecating. Right. Like, that I could see. Okay, SpongeBob, not too happy. I guess safe, too. SpongeBob's not going to hurt you. Yeah. Although, safe is not necessarily a draw. That's what I was going to say. That's the one drawback to SpongeBob is that he might be too clingy. Too safe, yeah. Maybe you want Squidward because you know...

He's going to make sure the bills are paid. I don't know. Squidward has a sugar daddy. That's true. Those are the episodes we don't see. When Squidward's not in them, he's like hanging out with some puffer fish who's trying to pay her way through college. Just suck it. I'll give you $2,000 to suck it. Don't text me anymore. Oh my God.

She's sucking his nose. Oh, that feels good. Play with my balls. If you see me at the Krusty Krab, pretend we don't know each other.

That part is hot. I do love hijinks. Sure, sure, sure. I love to play a game in the real world where it's like we don't... Pretending to not know some... One time I was trying to buy a used Prius. Okay. Yeah. Let's go there. Yeah.

And I brought my friend with me, and I was like, for some reason, I didn't like the idea of this little old lady whose Prius I was trying to buy, thinking I just had this guy friend. So I was like, just say you're my boyfriend. And so...

Can we go? This will be too complicated for her old brain. It'll scramble her. I don't want her to think. But boys can't be friends with girls. Yeah. I'm like, I don't want her to think there's a situation shift and be worried about me and not want me to have her car. So.

So I'm like, okay, like just say my boyfriend. So we go, we test drive the car. Then like we've put on this little show that he's my boyfriend. And I'm like, I think I want the car, but now I want my actual boyfriend to see the car. So I'm like, so I have to call Dave and I'm like, I'm like, you have to pretend that you're my brother. So now,

I'm like, and mind you, I'm like so apologetic to everyone. I'm like, I'm so, but meanwhile, I'm, you know, I'm getting off. I'm like, this is so much fun. You're directing this little play. You're the director. I ended up not buying the car. But you did make two people in your life do a non-sexual role play. So that's pretty fun. Which is always the goal.

non-sexual role play that does weirdly get me horny wow interesting yeah community theater is what that sounds like it sounds like a murder mystery party i've been wanting to do one forever yeah that would be fun that is exactly what we're describing a murder mystery is literally what we're talking about that's how i buy cars yeah that's so fucking funny have you did you orchestrate any other were you ever like a

Did you ever make anybody else? No, but in college I would often beg my friends to get into fake fights with me in the cafeteria. No one would do it. I never quite found my... Just for the attention? Yes. Just to express yourself emotionally, put on a performance. Is that something you would have done if I wanted to? Would you do that, a fake fight, with me or just with anyone in college? I don't know. That's interesting because I'm not...

I'm either not shy about something at all or I'm very. I'm like, no, I don't want to do that. To me, it sounds like something I wouldn't want to do. It just feels strange. I'm like, why? I would want to know the why. Yeah.

You know? That's a true actor. Yeah. What's my motivation here? A true performer. I'd be like, what the fuck is the point here? That is a class. That is such a funny, that's such a funny, like, get attention. It is interesting, the people that, the things you would do before comedy. Yes. For attention. Exactly. Because it's not something you would do now, but like, before you had your outlet, for me, like, I was always looking for a way

a way to get on the stage. Fake fights is so funny. Well, it's also funny because, again, in the special, there's just moments where your dad is just talking about how bad your recitals as a child were. He's just like, it wasn't very good.

And then you ask him, you ask him, like, you ask him, did you ever think I could headline? And he's like, I mean, yeah, it's not MSG. He literally said that you're in Gotham. He's like, it's not that hard. It's just like, so it makes sense why you need attention because clearly your parents, like, even at your, like, performances, your dad was like, bullshit. Yeah.

Which to me feels, tell me if I'm right or wrong with this, like very father son dynamic of like a dad being like, it's not enough. Whereas I feel like most women, I know their dads are like, you're a daddy's princess. Like, Oh, interesting. Yeah. Yeah. But I, I think cause my dad never really wanted kids. And then if he, he, Oh really? Yeah.

Well, you know how some people have a change of heart when that happens, when they find out their wife is pregnant? Didn't seem like it happened with your dad. He seemed like he kept the same energy. Also, I find myself hating sports so much because, like, I remember, I have such distinct memories in the 90s of, like, at my dance recitals, all the dads would be listening to, like, the Bulls games in their headphones. Oh, right. You're in Chicago in the Jordan years. Yes, yes.

And in fact, like that was such a big part of my childhood. And my dad like had this scam going where he basically said like you could never get tickets to the bowls if you call Ticketmaster Chicago. So he would call Ticketmaster in different cities to buy the bowl. Anyways, now I'm just explaining 90 scams. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Yeah. But he never, probably never put any effort into seeing one of your performances. Didn't never put that much effort into going to one of your performances. Not quite, no.

If there was even one obstacle, he's not there. If there's...

Yeah. That was, yeah. Oh, that's so funny. He didn't want kids. Do your parents, oh, so the fact that you were like IVF babies, they really wanted you. Well, that's interesting. Yes, they did, which is also why my dad being a bad dad makes it so much funnier, which is like, you didn't have to do this, bro. You wanted this, man. Yeah, like it took him forever. I kind of respect like wanting kids for 10 years and then your kids come and it's like,

I don't know. It's like, this is a little much. This isn't what I was expecting. I think they had like the immigrant, my dad especially had the immigrant thing of like, your children are like your employees. Or like, they have to listen to you. You never have to earn their love or respect. They must give it to you no matter what kind of thing. If I become a parent, I like the sound of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your children are your employees? Okay. Yeah.

I will do that. I can't. Your kids are just going to inexplicably love your parents more than you. It's going to be like you're going to push them towards their aloof grandfather. Like, Mom just won't get on my fucking back. So you want to just chill, watch some Bulls games and not look at each other. Sounds great, Grandpa. So you and you were raised with your grandma living with you. She was she would live probably half the year. She'd go to Greece. She was from a real snowy country.

and snowy village, like in northern Greece. Oh, I didn't know such a thing. I know, people don't think, yeah, because Greece, if you go real north, it's like basically like, you know, the Balkans or whatever, so it's like real mountainous places.

And she was from the northern most northern part of Greece and so she would spend probably the winters She probably spend the winter half of the year in Baltimore. She would she would winter in Baltimore How exotic? Yeah, I have this like grandparents sized hole in my heart because my dad's parents passed away before I was born and so I'm always like what would it have been like for grandparents to love me?

me so I hear that your grandma was with you like was that the fantasy that I think it was was it like an extra set of love that you yeah she's pretty cool yeah yeah she rocks um I mean my dad's side was really because my dad's parents were in Greece and so we saw them probably I saw them probably you know five or six times my whole life even though it was for a long time

But and this is before who these kids that have to FaceTime with their grandparents, like the one phone call a month or like, I don't want to, you know, like I don't want to fucking talk to some fucking guy in Greece. I don't know. I got to speak Greek. My Greek is bad. He's going to think I'm an asshole. But but my grandma in in America. Yeah, for sure. She was she was awesome. And like.

She's very funny. I don't know. Like, you miss out on a lot of fun stuff with grandparents where it's like... She just will never stop telling the same story. Like, there's drawbacks. There's drawbacks. There's desserts, you know? Like, she'll give you some desserts. She'll be around. But there's also, like, hearing about how she was the smartest girl in her village. Yeah.

Every time you talk to her. Okay. And if it wasn't, you know, how she used to run her dad's convenience store and she was going to go to college, but then she married my grandfather. Right. So it's like your fault, basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hear a lot of, yeah. That is the thing about grandparents that I do love.

look forward to at least and like because basically like you said she's telling you what it was like in her village it's like she is has she can say anything she wants totally like you're a whole new audience a new generation like that's the thing I'm learning too is like I'm getting older I'm like oh there's all these younger people that are stupider than me yeah you can lie to them you can make up a whole person you never were like I don't know about it yeah who knows what my grandma was up to she might have been dumb as shit yeah

The lying, yes, it seems like you can really create a fantasy. You can reinvent yourself, yes. A whole new narrative. Yes. That is, yeah, that is super funny. If you see me around a bunch of like 13-year-old girls, you'll know what I'm doing. Talk about how cool you were. Yeah. How many dudes were hitting you up in the chat rooms. Yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, like, so you had no grandparents on mom's side either? I did, but they were, like, so very goyish grandparents, very non-Jewish, whereas I feel like the Jewish ones would have loved me. Totally. But the goy ones are, like, smoking cigarettes, drinking. Wow. They're just like, what are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My most distinct memory of my grandma is me sitting in a room in her house and her walking past the room looking at me and just turning the light off on me and walking.

I'm like, okay. That's fine. Just a really basic sign of disrespect. Yes. Like, there's no words need to be spoken. This isn't a mistake. I'm looking at you so you know I'm registering you and I'm still closing the light. It's not a mistake. I'm still turning the light off. And then the other memory with my grandma is like, one night, one time, she was like, do you want to go get some chips at the gas station? I was like, oh.

yes grandma and then we got there and I'm like oh she just needed cigarettes I was an excuse how old were you though I was probably like I never know that do I always say 10 sure yeah and then I was like

Could be five, could be 13. That sucks that you were old enough to register that because how many awesome childhood memories do people have that don't realize like, oh, they were doing something else. Yes. Or like, my dad was covering for me or he was using me as cover to cheat. He's like, you want to go to the mall and then you can watch Men in Black with your friends while I take off for an hour? Like...

Like, that's, like, so many kids have an awesome memory that was the reason their parents got divorced. You know what I mean? So it's a shame that you didn't, you know, that you didn't know. You just, because if you were just a little younger, you would have thought, oh, me and grandma's trip to the gas station. Yes. Well, so my dad was also a compulsive gambler. Oh, hell yeah. And so he would go on these trips to Vegas. And...

That's old school. I love that. He would come back with all these presents for me. And so for me, I'm like, oh my God, like my dad comes back from Vegas and brings me toys. But it's really just like, oh, he lost money and then had casino gift shop points. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And got me presents. A hundred percent. So like you do the math. It's not great, but. You get a little Eiffel Tower, but you're not going to college anymore. Now you're in debt for college if you want to go.

Damn, compulsive gambling. Sports gambling or what? No, like cards. Cards, yeah, poker and stuff like that. And I guess some sports gambling. I'm guessing that because I feel like I've heard my dad over the years say like, there's no reason to watch a game if there's not money on it. A little action on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn, that's hilarious. Do you have any compulsive shit? Did you get that?

Gene at all Because like My grandfather Was an alcoholic And I don't have that But

It's definitely present in the way I eat. Like my mom, my mom would never touch a drink, but it's like she would crush desserts. You know what I mean? And it's like, you know, so like you can have that gene even if it's not. A hundred percent. That's me. Exactly. Like I never, I've never had alcohol because I've been so scared and cause I'm like a dessert person. And like we're talking, yeah, let's talk desserts after this question. But yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, I've had,

Like, yes, I'm definitely like a struggle with binge eating and like a sweet tooth. And then I would also say last year, so I had never tried any drugs or alcohol, but last year I tried weed for the first time. And now I'm like pretty much a nighttime pothead. Yeah, hell yeah. That's awesome. Are you a weed person? I definitely, yes. In fact, if there's one drug that is a problem for me, it's weed. Like that's when I say I'm getting sober, like I could honestly have a couple beers and

like on the road I've stopped smoking on the road because it just fucks like it's like it really acts as a gateway drug the way like the way they warned us it would like for me I am the guy that it actually is like that like I smoke weed it's always nice when that happens right you're like oh they

something in you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the good thing I listened as a teen. This would have ruined my life. I smoked a little bit when I was, you know, like a teenager. I drank more when I was younger just because it's like more social. But now I don't... Drinking is not an issue. But yeah, weed, it rocks. But I will just... Especially when eating is your problem. If you're getting fucking high and you're eating like shit and you're on the road and you're lonely. And I've been on the road basically like...

I don't know, every weekend. This week is the first week I've had off since December that I'm not on the road. So it's just like, when you have nothing else to do, you're just going to get high, you're going to eat like shit. It feels great, but you're just like, you do that every day. You know what I mean? It's not helpful. But yeah, that is definitely, it's the funnest one. And I do want one version of my life that's the best, that I felt the best was

When I was during the pandemic, I was working out all the time. I lost a bunch of weight. I was working out and I would just like after my workout, get a little high and watch a movie. And like that day is the best day possible. It's like do some healthy in the beginning. I would even work. I would either like podcast or write something. And then it was just like get stoned, movie and eat good. Like I would eat healthy.

I was eating really healthy, so I'd, like, grill shit and eat it. And I would have, like, veggies. And I would have, like, smoothies and shit like that. Like, I was strict about my eating. But I would, like...

I timed everything so that weed was like, okay, recovery. Yes. And it's like, okay, so you eat a little extra chicken breast. Right. You know what I mean? Like, who gives a fuck? That's totally, like, the lifestyle I feel like I'm always trying to achieve, too. I feel like together we could, like, have a really successful... Absolutely. Like, eight-day training. Yes, yes, yes. Like, reset boot camp thing. It's the best. That's my favorite shit. And so that's my goal. I'm super busy until July, but...

when like the middle of July to all of August, I'm just living that lifestyle where I'm just like working out, eating real clean, but we'll see. I hope I don't get any more, like I hope I don't get any more opportunities. It sucks. It's like, you know, you're a lazy person where you're like, fuck, why is my career going good? I want to just chill out in my house and just fucking get big arms. I want to fucking get fucking swole. Um,

Speaking of desserts. Yes. Let's talk desserts. I definitely feel tried and true. Like my favorite dessert flavor profile is s'mores. Ooh. And you'll apply that to a number of things. A lot of things. Yes. A s'more ice cream. Yes. A s'more bread pudding. Mm-hmm.

You know, fuck, I'm getting crazy now. Yeah, I love that. Like anything that has chocolate, marshmallow, and graham cracker taste, I'm like, that is like the ultimate, I'm getting off. And I also, in the pandemic, what I discovered was I really have this...

intimate relationship with something I call dry s'mores. Okay. Which is where you don't cook it, you don't heat it up. It's just raw. It's like the raw chocolate, the raw marshmallow. It's not even melted at all. Yes. Make that with a graham cracker. And it's like, it's so satisfying to me. I love that you call it raw s'mores. Yeah. Raw or dry. Just eating a marshmallow. Like you're eating chocolate marshmallow. Like the heat is what makes it barely acceptable. You know what I mean? But if you eat any of those other ingredients, that really is like...

You just put some random shit. Call it deconstructed. You know what I mean? Okay. Now you're getting real fucking fancy with it. But that is like a white trash dessert if you don't heat it up. You know? Like a marshmallow. You're not in a good place. I love... And thank you, by the way, for... I love the breakdown of flavor profile. Mm-hmm.

And now we can talk textures. We can talk temperatures. This is great. Because I would say my favorite dessert profile is probably a chocolate peanut butter pretzel situation. Those three are probably my number. And I'll apply those across all.

That's very hot. I also, it's, I want to compliment you because what, like I've heard Dr. Oz say, I'm pretty sure he's like a senator now or something. No, he tried, he lost. Back when he was still relevant to like smart, hot people, he would say that... Every piece of ass I know talks about Dr. Oz, by the way, you're so right about that. I used to. Okay.

Peanut butter and, well, dark chocolate. Yes, dark chocolate. Those two together are, like, the best way to, like, accurately treat a dessert or a sweet craving. Because you're, like, getting... Fat. Yes. Protein. And then the chocolate is, like, very rich or whatever. So that's a very advanced flavor palette. Yeah, that's why I do it. I know you didn't say dark chocolate, but... But you're right. Dark chocolate is my... If I had to guess, if I had to pick...

The chocolate is dark chocolate. Really? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Okay, cool. I love that. I have a dark chocolate bowl too. And the pretzel with the salt. I got to get a little salt and crunch in there too. So I feel like that's the... And then if I had to pick my favorite, weirdly my favorite type of dessert is a really good bread pudding. Yeah. So mine, wait, with what? Little ice cream on top. Oh, okay. I don't love mixing temperatures. Okay.

Sure. So I like... I do. Big temperature mixer. At least ice cream. Ice cream on top does something nice to it. Because you get three desserts for the price of one. You get the hot, right? You're going to get a little piece of the hot. You get the cold when you just get a spoonful of cold. And then you got some weird little fucked up mishmash in the middle. Yeah, okay. That's always different. That's true. That's always different. That's true. I guess I'm thinking more so like if I'm having a slice of apple pie, I actually don't want ice cream touching it because I don't want to...

Cool down the pie. And that's fair. I don't want melted ice cream. Thank you for expecting that. There's all sorts of philosophies that go into desserts. Thank you. My body, my choice. Thank you. Fully, fully, fully. That's the only place I think women should have autonomy. Desserts. Everything else, Roe v. Wade's gotta go. So, okay, my favorite dessert that's like so I cannot control myself, like I have to wear handcuffs around it. Hell yeah, let's talk. Is...

A cinnamon roll. Oh, a classic. Like a Cinnabon cinnamon roll. How about the middle of a cinnamon roll? It's like, good Christ almighty. The pussy part of a cinnamon roll. It's like, yeah. It's like, yeah. Let me get the pussy of the cinnamon roll.

Like that part and then also getting extra frosting. Oh, yeah. Because you know you're just like a bad girl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That cinnamon roll is definitely the thing that like... Hell yeah. Yeah. That's my heroin or whatever. I totally, I fully 100% get that. Yeah. I do think, yeah. There's, I definitely like a cinnamon roll. It's just outside the top. Like it's, I respect it, but it doesn't do something like...

primal to me. You know what I mean? I'm always happy to eat one, don't get me wrong. I'm never mad about a cinnamon roll. I love how you're saying it's not primal but you just refer to the middle of it as a pussy. Well it is if we're being honest. There's a real pussy quality to that middle part of a cinnamon roll. It really is like a one where it's like the outer edges, like the head, the brain. It's fine. I don't mind the brain of a woman but it's not as good as the pussy. Ha ha ha.

Oh my god. It is dead ass after every problem. I am part of the problem. The misogyny dessert hour, folks. Welcome to Stavi's World, aka the misogynist dessert hour. I am being a pick

We're talking desserts. It's all good. We could really, yeah, we could continue talking. We should move it on because I will go down the dessert rabbit hole for another hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to get serious here. It's going to get uncomfortable. We're going to take it too far. Oh, fuck, yeah. I would love, yeah. We'll put a pin. Next time we'll talk ice creams. Yeah. We'll talk pies. We'll figure it out.

I respect the no. I respect just having a strong philosophy about temperatures either way. Yeah. So it's good. I get that. No big deal. What about a glass of, will you go glass of milk? That is the funniest question I've ever been asked. And the way you asked it, like you touch your glasses, you moved your arm. It was so formal. Yeah, yeah.

You know, glass and milk is hard, right? It's okay if you're not. That's a hard question. Because once you start talking about milk, it's like a lot is coming up for me. You know, I, you know...

Regular dairy is not cool anymore. That's part. Yes. That's part of your genes are coming up? Are we lactose intolerant? No, but it's just more about like trying to follow the trends. Oh, I see. I see. Is it oat milk? No, it's not oat milk anymore. Oat milk's out, baby. Now it's almond milk, but it's not store-bought. It has to be homemade. So it's like milk is just complicated for me. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. But that does sound delicious to like wash it down with a glass of milk. Totally. Also, growing up, like my after-school snack was always Oreos dipped in milk. Oh, yeah.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Now we're talking. And every, yeah, we really were, again, the last generation just guzzle milk. Yeah. It was all over the place. They made us do it. Got milk? Come on. Yeah, it worked. Every famous person has the fucking milk mustache? Yeah. That is.

This is like the problem I have with growing up is realizing that everything we did was just because appropriation told us to. It was advertising. I know, I know. It sucks. That's our whole culture. It sucks. Oops. Yeah. We had honestly no free will. No. I remember for my birthday, I was like six, six or seven. It was a really young birthday. It was the first one I remember. Demanded.

demanding little caesar's pizza because of the pizza pizza guy and i never had little caesar's in my life and my dad brought it and i was like this pizza fucking sucks i remember i remember that was the day i learned like wait a second they're fucking lying you learned so young i did because of little caesar's because it broke my heart because we were a papa john's family or like a a local you know we had like a lot we had surprisingly good local pizza in baltimore because

Shout out to Filippo's. I don't know if they're still in business. They had a crazy bacon slice. Good stuff. The whole slice. We're talking like a whole slice of bacon. Well, that's probably why you didn't like Little Caesars. Yeah, yeah. The shit was too good. Yeah. For sure. I grew up liking Little Caesars, which now I feel like trash admitting it. But that's also more of a Midwest chain, isn't it? Little Caesars? Yeah, maybe.

Yeah. Little Caesars Pizza Hut. The Pizza Hut Buffet. Well, Pizza Hut was for a fucking special occasion. You don't have fucking Pizza Hut on a Wednesday. You fucking put on a little polo, you know? You've read all your books for the summer, you know? You go get your free personal pan pizza. Yeah.

Yeah, that was awesome too. Now Pizza Hut has become, it's disgusting what they've done to that beautiful brand. Thank you. They've completely, yeah, it was, ugh. Don't get me started on what they've done to Pizza Hut. I feel the same way about Burger King. Like it used to be an institution. It used to be like there was respect. The Whopper was flinging the broils. The Whopper is what they're clinging to for sure. But it's like now it just, it's like,

the quality isn't there. There's no quality control in fast food these days. I fully agree with you that it was a two-horse race. It was McDonald's and Burger King. Look, McDonald's did have the edge. Let's not kid ourselves here. McDonald's was the king, but Burger King was nipping at its heels. Yeah. And then they just couldn't keep up. Chick-fil-A, Wendy's has a huge, sort of is bigger in the consciousness. Their food gets better, I think.

With time? With time, yeah. We were always Popeye's family. Popeye's is my number one fast food. Really? Yeah, yeah. Oh, we never had that. Like, I would say Taco Bell was my number one. He's a Taco Bell guy. I honestly had never had tacos until I was like...

I don't even fucking know. I had Taco Bell one time at Pete's house, our friend Pete, when my mom went to Greece for a month because of a family emergency and my dad didn't want to look after his children. So he would just park us with like family friends for like extended periods of time. And that's when I first had Taco Bell. But yeah, weirdly, it's so funny to think about how broke my fucking childhood was because I didn't have any ethnic cuisine that wasn't like shitty Chinese food or pizza or

Like everything I ate was fucking homemade or from the Greek restaurant my mom worked at until I was like literally in middle school. Yeah, I don't think I had much like cuisine eye-opening experiences until... Oh yeah, Taco Bell. That's true. You went south of the border. Yeah, I did. You're having a gordita. And in high school, our neighborhood got a Chipotle and that's when things really changed for me. Oh, I remember having to drive to Chipotle. Yeah.

I remember commuting to Chipotle. We would cut school to go to Chipotle because there was one like 20 minutes from our high school and we would just pile in the car, skip out on art class. The thing is that it's...

Doesn't it feel new? Like that's what's so funny to me. I'm like Chipotle that thing just came out But yes, I got it in high school. I'm a 34 year old man. That was fully 15 years ago Longer the only cuisine that like 18 years ago

A full adult person is when I had Chipotle for the first time. I'm like, yeah, that's the new restaurant that just came out. But that's a real feeling, right? Like feeling like yesterday was, you know, 15 years ago, whatever. 100%. Yeah, Chipotle to me is the one that holds up. Like I, that's still a quality meal that's in my rotation. Whereas like Taco Bell, I try not to. No, you can't. But Chipotle, like,

Chipotle's still in the mix for sure. No, for sure. And then the other, like Popeyes is a treat for me. And again, the reason Popeyes means so much is because the public library that we would go to, like where I would play Jumpstart, for example, or Strega Nona, or my mom would just like, she would park us at the library and like go do errands. And on the way back, if we were good, there was a Popeyes on the way back.

So like the literally the reason I know how to read is because of Popeye's. It's like my mom was like, read this book, play these games. Don't fucking and you will we will get Popeye's and it fully worked because I love Popeye's so much. We should be applying that principle to our lives now. I'm always thinking like I need to like dangle treats. Absolutely. But for me, it was I was more of a KFC. We're a KFC house. Now this.

this is a real you know this is like i've had an open mind up until now but i don't know that i can do okay this is like real i have had it recently and i can confirm it's disgusting it sucks yeah but when it was popcorn chicken season like that was when i sure because it's basically not even meat it's not yeah it's all breading yeah the popeyes brings even better really i really haven't have you had popeyes in your life you know i

I don't think I have, but I... One, all I ask from this podcast, the only thing I ask is the next time you have a hankering for fried chicken, please...

Please have Popeyes and please tell me how it is. I guarantee you it will be... It's like 80... I would say 90% as good as if you sit down at a restaurant that specializes in fried chicken. Popeyes is 90% as good. How does it... Where does it line up with the Chick-fil-A comparison? Oh, well, I mean, they'll fry real pieces of chicken. Chick-fil-A is a sandwich restaurant. Popeyes, you get the whole bird, baby. Oh.

Oh, God. You get the whole bird. A drumstick? A drumstick, a thigh. Come on. Yeah, just... That's all I ask. Because the next time you want fried chicken...

I feel like I could spend two weeks with you and completely have my life be flushed down the toilet. Like, I, it would be the best two weeks ever. It would be fun. But at the end of it, we'd have to walk away. No, we'd never see each other. We could never see each other again. We would have an incredible two weeks and then be like, all right, shake hands. This was awesome. Sign it with NDA. I'll never forget this. NDA's all around.

But yeah, we pretend like we meet the next time we're at a show. Oh, hey, how's it going?

Yeah. See what I said? I could go down the once you got me started on desserts. Yeah, it's been 20 minutes on fast food chains. I know I have the same issue. People are going to have a field day in the comments. They don't like food talk. What? That's absurd. No, they do. They just know how much I love it. Eldest, do you have anything to chime in on the fucking fast food wars? I know you must be chomping at the bit.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm all over the place. I do want to say, do you remember when they changed the fries at Burger King? I do remember. The recipe. Thank you for asking. I was holding on to that one. I remember the new recipe was so good. You were definitely a Burger King guy, for sure. Yeah, the Whopper's like...

The Whopper is like the closest fast food burger that tastes like an actual burger and not like its own thing. We've had conversations before off mic just in our lives where Eldest has used the phrase, the Whopper has star power. It does. It does.

And you know what? I agreed with him. I was supporting him in an argument. I was like, he's right. The Whopper does have star power. It really does. It's so good. And my dad would even always give me the tip, like when you go to Burger King, ask them to make it flame broiled. Like you have to ask. Like make sure that it's a fresh one. I don't know if they still do that. And also, I'm so glad you brought up the fries because...

Okay. We all know McDonald's fries are like the superior. Sure. Like that's the Barbie doll of fries. Yes. Like that's the perfect version. But then you try Burger King fries and you're like, these are great too. And I feel like that's the first time I learned like, oh, you can have different type. Yeah. You can like different types of men and women.

and like all are good. There's a place for everything. Yeah. And you might like the fucked up weird one a little more than the McDonald's one. You know? Absolutely. Absolutely. No, you're, yeah, fast food is a good way for children to learn about the diversity of life. Fast food fries, you know, first time you have a waffle fry, you're like, what the fuck is this? What the hell kind of shape is this?

That did blow my mind. And those fucked up fat wedges, I hate those. I do too. A western fry, get out of here. I hate those too. It's so rude. Get out of here. It's disrespectful to the potato. Absolutely. But a good steak fry, when it's thick and cooked all the way through. Crispy, yeah. I like that. Firm. And a little give in the middle. Ah man, this really is the best podcast I've ever done. Yeah.

We should probably move on to the questions before we talk about every food that's ever... Before we've ranked every cuisine. I'm like stopping myself from going back to desserts. You know what I mean? So there's so much. You got to come back sometime. I would too. Because there's so much about your family that's so funny that I want to ask about more. But...

We spent most of our time talking about the Whopper. So why don't we get to some questions? What do you say? Let's do it. Why don't we... Let's try to help others. Why don't we help others? Why don't we put some of this expertise? Oh, here we go. Hmm.

Play the call. Great fucking show. Global UNLD got going on. Great fucking show. What's up, Stavi? Great fucking show. Global UNLD got going on. Thanks, pal. I'll try to make this under the 45-second mark for you, but I basically ordered some Uber Eats Taco Bell delivery the other day, and I live in the back apartment of two duplexes.

And the dudes in the front duplex just fucking took my Taco Bell. They had my name on it, fucking... And everything, they just took it. It was on St. Patrick's Day, and the dude was just passed out, fucking drunk with my Crunchwrap half-eaten on his fucking chest.

And I, like, cop-knocked. I got, you know, half of my fucking food back. It was cold as shit. And, you know, they were drunk as shit, so I was trying to be nice. I was like, you know, I'll just talk to you tomorrow. I'll just get my money back or whatever. And he seemed cool about it. And I keep knocking. They're not answering me. I left my Venmo with them. I tried being nice. It's not like, you know, I make enough money. It's not like this is my last dollars or whatever. But, you know, it's a $40 order. They...

Ate it, left the rest out to be cold. I'm wondering what you think I should do. Should I just drop it, take the L, or should I keep knocking? Should I fucking be a Karen? Should I...

Put some cat shit on their door. I don't know man. Let me know what's up. I love you You're my favorite comedian Wow this man is fucking hurting bro. You got finessed. What do you want it happens? The guy got your ass. There's nothing more to be done He and yes, you just you have to chalk it up and take the out like look we've all been you know It's crazy. I know this

This outrage. I know this feeling. Like, remember that one time, Eldest, we were high as shit and you forgot to hit send on the fucking Chinese food order? You motherfucker! I'm still mad about it. This was Eldest's room back in the day. In that very living room, we were so high, we were so hungry. And we're like, where the fuck is this food? It was one of those where we thought, we're like, what's taking so long? How are you still friends? Yeah.

It was like 45 minutes after I thought I ordered it. And then he fucking did. And the food, thank God, came fast. We even ordered from a place that comes fast because we were that hungry. And he just had not... It wasn't even the best place.

Anyway, whatever. So I remember, I know that blind rage. I know the rage of that day. But usually, once you eat something, that rage subsides. Yeah. You know, you're like, okay, that sucked, but what can I do? You got fucked here, but it's been days. You left your Venmo, you motherfucker.

He got just you. You got to fucking just either take the L or you're like, hey, man, you want to get me some taco? Or if you really want to be a gentleman about this, maybe you could turn this into a fucking friendship. And now it's like, hey, man, why don't we get some Taco Bell together? You owe me some Taco Bell. Twist a joint up. It's not the worst thing in the world to be friends with your fucking neighbors. That way they're not going to steal your fucking Taco Bell. You're probably cunty usually. And they're like, yeah, fuck that guy. I'll take his Taco Bell.

If your vibes were correct, that guy's not taking your Taco Bell. That's all I'm saying. So maybe, maybe this is an opportunity to readjust the vibes, take the L, make him feel bad by being like, Hey man, you want to go get, why don't you get some Taco Bell? But you got, you got to, you know, he absolutely, he finessed you and absolutely you are right to feel mad, but it's a matter of what do you do now? I,

I agree. I think you want to keep the peace with your neighbors and just chalk it up. But if you did want to Karen out, I think the alternate route is instead of carrying out on them is hit up Uber eats, be like your product and service is not quality. If why is it being left in the wrong hands? Like try to get some credit back from Uber eats. Even if it's look, if you get a $10 credit into your account, like something that's something you feel gives your, your math, your masculinity.

back a little bit. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And I love the pitch of like, hey, let's all go get Taco Bell. Absolutely. Turn, yes, but absolutely, go to Uber Eats because this is fucking part of it with any kind of big company. They have a part of their fucking budget that's for people fucking up. Don't take it out on the driver. Yeah. Don't rate this guy one, like that's another thing when someone's late or whatever, you're like, I'm gonna fucking give him one star. And then you eat and then you have a bite of a sandwich and you're like, that would ruin that man's life. Like,

Because I had to eat my sandwich 10 minutes later than I thought I would. And you're like, all right, fuck it, I'm good, right? So yeah, go to Uber Eats. As long as it's not taken out on the thing, just be like, hey, I never got my order, which technically is what happened. Technically, you never got your order. That night can never be made up to you.

That night you saw... Imagine that in a late night, especially if nothing else is open at that point and no one's delivering. Yeah, I feel for you, pal. But yeah, let's spin this into a positive. Be like, hey man, want to go get some Taco Bell? And you know what? Don't even get... Don't even fucking insist on him paying. Just see if you might be able to just...

Be friends with your neighbors. That is some like millennial shit that we have. That is like some boomer shit that actually they were right about. Yeah. Go knock on your fucking neighbor's door with a piece of like cake or some shit. Become friends with them. That's good. You want to look out for each other. Community is important. And in a weird way, you could turn this into the upper hand of this relationship. Because if now you become friends with this guy, he'll always feel bad about the Taco Bell that he stole from you. That I love.

I love that. A little something on the back end, but the universe fucked your ass, and what are you going to do? Take a nice bath with some Epsom salt? You'll be all right, brother. This reminds me of one time I sold this record on eBay, and the guy was being annoying, and it had been like a week or two or something, and he still didn't get it. And I was like, all right, he's pissing me off. And I was like, okay, I'm going to refund him without him asking for it. And I was like, if the record comes, just send it back.

And the mail was just, like, bad. Anyway, he gets this thing delivered eventually. I try hitting him up, messaging him through eBay. I'm like, hey, okay, you can send me back the money now. And it was just, like, radio silence. And I just, like, I looked at his name and address. I Googled him. I found his Facebook. I found his fucking contracting company. I, like, did...

DM'd his like contracting company on like Facebook and obviously he wasn't saying shit. Of course, of course. You know, if he wasn't like, fuck this guy, he was like, what the fuck is wrong with this person? Of course. And I was like, I was just like fueled with rage. Just like on the principle alone. The principle, the principle is all that it is. But I came to like a crossroads and I was like,

How badly do I want to stalk this stranger? Because I want my $20 for the record I sent him. So this guy should just, you know, how badly does he want to go to war over some Taco Bell? And you don't want this to corrupt your soul. Even the fact that you're thinking about going Karen mode on it. It's like, that's a problem, bro. You don't want to start this cycle of negativity because who knows you end up, you know what I mean? Who knows where this ends? You only hurt yourself. I think of this question.

quote that I heard on the soap opera I was watching when I think I was 10 which was this woman who was betrayed by a man and she's like I'm gonna devote my life to making yours a living hell and I wish I hadn't heard that it's in my formative years but

But I think about that and I'm like, that's what we don't want to do. Of course. Now I know. Of course. We don't want to devote our lives to hurting others because it only hurts us. It only hurts you. Yeah. Imagine all the possibilities of the guy you could be if you weren't plotting revenge. What you could be doing with that time. So sorry, dude. You got fucked.

But you got to move on and turn this into a positive if possible. If possible. If possible. Or neutral has to be, but I think it can become a positive. What do we got next here, LD? Yo, what up, Stav? What up, Eldis, you beautiful Albanian motherfucker? Eldis, if you screen this before podcasts, maybe save this question for when a female's on. Uh-oh. You've honored his guest, his wish, Eldis. But I just had a quick question.

So I recently got told about how my ex-girlfriend's mother had passed away from cancer recently, you know, within the past couple of days. And so I did the nice thing. I went to text her, you know, poured my heart out, feel bad for her and everything. I hadn't spoken to her in, you know, a good two, three years. You know, this was a college girlfriend we dated for like two years.

Maybe three, I don't, yeah, I think just two. But yeah, so I poured my heart out into this text, like actually feeling bad for her because her mother was always great. Actually feeling bad for her. Wow, what a fucking good guy. And then I found out she had blocked my number. So then I came to the question of do I try to reach out to her on another platform? Just because I genuinely just wanted to say, you know, how bad I felt for her.

and everything like that. But I also kind of felt like that would be a selfish move. You don't say. She blocked my number, so it was like, oh, I don't think I should really do that. So I just want to know what you would do given that scenario. What I would do. And then whatever your guest would do. So yeah, cheers. Thank you. Oh, what I would do? Yeah, I would make one of the most...

tragic moments in this woman's life about me. That's what I would fucking do. I would show up at the funeral and be like, what the fuck, bitch? It's been years. What did I do to deserve this? I was so nice to you. Come on, man. The sad thing is that I would show up to the funeral with a choreographed dance and a song. As someone who has been blocked on social media,

phone numbers by a specific ex. Yes. I feel you. Yes. And it is so demoralizing to try to contact someone and realize you are not able to. Oh my God. It's tricky, right? Because even just as I hear this. By the way, it's not tricky. It is not tricky. There's no trick involved here at all. It's cut and dry. I really heard to this caller. I'm like,

My body is tensing up. Like, I know. Because what's coming up for me is pure evil. It's like. Yes. You're a lunatic for relating to him. I want to insert myself. This is where your mom not hugging you. Really? You take it out on the world. This is where. This is where a couple more fucking good job. Esther's really, really helped a lot of people in your life. Like.

It would be so... Ugh, yes. Because it's just, this is your opportunity to reconnect. No, it's not! It's her fucking mom died! That's the opportunity to let her get over her fucking mom died! I don't think he's even trying to reconnect with her, though. I think he's saying, like, should he reach out on another platform to give his condolences, basically. I don't know, dude. I don't think...

Make a TikTok. That's what he's claiming. He's claiming is correct, yes. Of course, there's the pure evil part of all of us that Esther is giving voice to where we're like, maybe we could get back in here. Maybe I could slide on in with my most toxic ex. Maybe I can use this tragedy to my advantage. And you do not want to be doing that. But look, even if.

Because I've been... Of course, we've all been blocked by an ex. If you haven't, you haven't had a good relationship, you know? If you hadn't, you never fucked anyone that good. If you haven't been blocked by an ex. But...

And if that were to happen to me, I would feel bad. You're right to feel bad. I'm not taking your feelings away from you because more than likely, this is just an outdated block, right? Like, I feel like there's a relationship that, you know, that I have blocked that I wouldn't mind if I talked to that person or reached out to them. But it's like, it's also a weird thing. It's like, when do you decide to unblock? You know what I mean? It's like... Ideally, you're not thinking about it.

about it. Exactly. It just never happens. So more than that, I wouldn't take it personal. Okay. And but more importantly, this really is not about you. And in the future, if and when you see this person, give them a nice warm platonic condolence here with no ulterior motives whatsoever and you're good to go. But you're not wrong to feel this way. Obviously, it's like a little, it is like a bit of a

Gut punch because it's like even somebody that you're not trying to get back with you'd like to there's definitely people that I'd be like Oh, I'd like to be friends with this girl. It's been enough time Yeah, she meant something, you know, we were important to each other she you know, I still love this person in certain ways It's like something that doesn't really go away But I'd like to just be like hey, how you doing? You know have like a some kind of relationship and

It's like getting rejected milder when someone says, I don't want even that. You know what I mean? This is a big, this is another big issue with my entire personality. My high school ex-boyfriend blocked me on everything. And I'm like, we shared so much. Like I would, I don't want you back. I just would like to, you know. It'd be fun every once in a while. Yeah. A little reminiscing. Yeah. Is that that crazy?

crazy at me? Okay. In a vacuum, no. But in context, yes. In the context of your entire personality, yes. So, yeah, I do think, unfortunately, the best move here is just bump into each other. Yeah, stop. If this was up to Esther, she would say, find out her habits. What coffee shop does she go to? Pretend you're there by accident. Yes. Exactly. Exactly.

And then you get to give a little like, I'm sorry about your mom. I'm so sorry. You look really great though. If you need anything, let me know. One of those. But yeah, sorry bud, it happens, but yes.

Just take a minor L on this one. It's not about you. It's a fucking atrocious... Like, would you wanted somebody to fucking... When your mom passed, all this, would you have wanted some bitch you didn't want in your life anymore to text you? No, definitely not. Exactly. You don't want the crazy ex who blocked you after a firestorm breakup to come out of the woodwork after your mom died. Yeah, yeah. You also don't necessarily want to be thinking about the best head you've ever had.

During a funeral. You know, you want all that gone. So that's our advice, pal. We're rooting for you. You sound like a good kid who's just got his feelings hurt a little bit. Hey, Stavi. How you doing, man? How's the guest doing? So my name's Ethan. I'm 21. I'm having a problem getting into dating. I didn't really date in high school. I was hooking up with one of my friends all the time, so I didn't feel the need. All the time.

And so after I graduated, I'm pretty submissive. So the past few years, I've just been on like fetish dating sites and meeting older women who are into BDSM. The sex is great and they have literally no standards. I don't have to do anything. They don't want a relationship with me. I'm 20. But now I want a real relationship. I'm like super jealous of my roommate and his girlfriend. They're adorable. Oh boy. So...

Dude, I love this guy.

I know. This is so cute. Even though this man has been like fucking abused by 48-year-olds, this man is adorable. And also a very, an emotional incel here. This is a fascinating call. And the self-awareness is great. Really beautiful self-awareness. And.

and doesn't have hang-ups on actual sex, got pussy in high school, even though it was with a friend. I mean, I would have killed for one of those friends in high school. And then has found a little niche. That's going to show you, there's so many ways to not be an incel. This guy figured it out. Spanish dating sites getting fucking pegged by a Dominican woman.

Figuring, yeah, just a lady working a double at a fucking diner comes home to just pinch this guy's nipples and kick him out. Like...

Yeah, I think that there's such a sweetness to this message and his self-awareness that I'm like, you're totally... The fact that you know you want a girlfriend, like, and you're aware that it's going to be hard for you, to me seems like you're 100% eligible and capable of getting a girlfriend. Like, he sounds pretty great. Yes. And I think that knowing you want it, like, basically...

I think once you want something, just figure out how to do it. I don't know exactly how to... He's halfway there. Knowing what you want is half the battle. And it's interesting because a lot of guys... You're already in a great position because a lot of guys in your position have these emotional hang-ups. And then when it comes to sex, it's even worse, right? Like, I remember being nervous, you know... I remember being nervous in high school just like...

ask a girl out and I could do that, but then I couldn't make a move because the more nerve-wracking part is when you have no experience with sex at all. And so you've kind of, in a weird way, thanks mostly to the saint...

that sucked you off after biology. You are lucky to not have the bigger end of the hang-ups, but it is a very interesting case study in like there still are emotional hang-ups and there's still, you know, you can still get nervous just to ask someone out and all this other stuff. So...

I mean, you know, you're talking about planning dates, doing something romantic, all this kind of stuff. Missed the boat on basic relationship rules. You're 20, dude. You're fine. Yeah, so young. So many people don't understand this stuff at your age. And so this is when you should be figuring it out, right? Like this is kind of when this all shakes out.

You also don't need to plan dates. It's like you could just go on dating apps and like get coffee with women or, you know, maybe people you meet in real life. Like just, I would almost say just like try to become friends with some women. Absolutely. Because...

you're not going to be the kind of guy that a woman goes on a date with and can tell that he's just desperate for sex because you've already kind of had those needs met in a different way. And so I think like you're in a really good position to get to know some women slowly and like...

Really build up some excitement that way. I don't know that's always been my thing like because when I was in high school I had a crush on this guy and I told a mutual friend to tell him that I liked him and Then nothing happened and so I was like, oh he's not into me And then I finally met the guy and was like I already know he's not into me So I'm just gonna like be his friend turns out the guy never told him and then we Wow Maybe

Thank you. How to be. Good call. Yeah, yeah. I'm just doing the math. But yeah, yeah. Flatter yourself. That's fine. But like from that, and I know it's different. I'm a girl, whatever, and this was high school. But it's like that's always been my thing. It's like be friends with people and then see where that goes. Well, especially for this guy because –

You're talking about planning a date. You've never done anything romantic. It's not like every woman... The date for every woman and every romantic gesture is the same. There's no cookie cutter way to do that. No. It's from getting to know this person. And yeah. In fact, planned out dates is like an ick. It's like, let's just keep it casual. But that's what it is.

A planned date doesn't feel that way because what it is is you meet someone, you talk. She's like, I love sushi. You're like, hey, there's a sushi place by me that I've been meaning to try. It's kind of organic. So you're thinking of all this stuff as if it's things you have to come with prepared. But no, it starts with a conversation. It starts with friendship, especially because what you're trying to do is get your emotional needs met. Yeah, see if you...

could just be friends with someone, you know, that's part of it. It's like, you're going to get rejected here some, that's just a part of dating. And it's just keep it casual, little coffee, maybe a drink, whatever, little, you know, you're 20, I don't know if you're in college or what, I don't know if you said, but

getting a drink, you know, having a little picnic and having a beer outside, just like getting to know someone. And then the more you learn about them, the more you like them, the more it's like, hey, oh, you like this kind of thing or you like this kind of movie. Let's go see this movie like that stuff happens organically. And that's what you got to do. You got to take it step by step. Start from the, you know,

the most basic kind of friendship level or dating app level. And if it's a dating app thing, go get a coffee, get a fucking dessert, split a bread pudding, you know what I mean? Do something nice. And then you'll get to learn these people over time. I will say I'm curious why the high school friends with Ben, like why did that never turn into more? That's a little suspicious to me. What's the deal there? Please DM me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let us know. Actually, yeah. Could you give us some context on that? I would love to know.

Oh, fuck. I'll call him later. Yeah, that always happens with these. It's always like you want to know a little more. We got to get on live calls all this. We got to figure that out. But yeah, step by step. Don't overdo it. Don't feel like you have to have everything figured out and just slowly over time get to know someone. And the more you're going into it with like actual nice people,

you know, intentions. I think that's going to only help you because most people on dating apps just trying to get their dick sucked. So the fact that you're actually relating to a woman as a human being, I think will be a big plus for you on those. And look, if you, if none of that's working, no reason you can't hop back on that BDSM website, get, get beaten like a piñata by, by a Bolivian woman until you come. Yeah.

And then take a different girl out to see a nice little rom-com or something after that, after you've been drained. Let's get another one going, LD. Hi, Stobby baby. So I'm a young woman and to say it outright, I'm very flat. I don't have very large assets. This is not really my build. I'm like kind of tall and thin. So what I'm,

I let me preface this by saying that like I have a lot of women in my life. I'm a girl's girl. I don't really have one of men to ask this question. Um,

So I'm thinking I would like to get a boob job. Yes. Next question. No, no, no. Let's run it back. Let's listen to the whole question. I would like to get a boob job and get huge, huge, huge, humongous. Yes. Okay. Next question. Okay.

This would be an investment that I would likely pay for and would benefit me zero outside of my own satisfaction, I think. And every time I bring this up to the women in my life, they are like, oh no, you're so beautiful already. You don't need it. I want huge tits. Like, they don't understand. Yeah.

Just being around a pair of huge tits, it makes your day. It really lightens you up. And I want to be that for people. I want to bring joy with my huge tits.

That's a noble goal. You don't need a car. Take the bus. You get those tits, you'll be getting rides across town, no problem. Okay, let's talk about this really, I guess. Let's not just blanket tell her to get a tit job. Let's actually look at it.

There's two examples that come to mind for me, right? There's Kaley Cuoco, who I think irresponsibly but honestly announced to the world that getting a boob job was the best thing for her career. Oh, she got fake titties? She got fake boobs. She was an out-of-work actress, got her breast implants, and then immediately was cast on Big Bang Theory. That's a really good show. There's that side of it. Then, on the other hand... Wow, it really happened like that? Yes. That's so fucking funny. Yeah.

On the other end of it, you have Paris Hilton who wanted a boob job but then said no, fake boobs are cheap and trashy. And then she kind of like redefined the standard of beauty for a moment as to being like, which is also not that good, being like tall, thin, whatever. Super thin. But... On cocaine. Yeah. Like both I think are really solid choices. You know, there's... Yeah. Yeah.

Well, yeah, I think there's... That's the pop culture angle. No, no, but there's something to that, too, about, like, look, I wouldn't... I can't sit here and tell you that, like, you have to conform to the exact standards of beauty. My whole... I mean, look, I'm a guy, obviously, but it's like, though a lot of... Philosophically, I believe you just have to be the hottest version of yourself, right?

and definitely there's girls, like you don't have to have huge tits to be hot in any way, but that doesn't seem like the issue here. I don't think she, she doesn't, she's not saying she's ugly, right? She never, she says, like, she's saying she wants big titties, because obviously there's like girls with

without big tits that are hot and you can be like you can be you can be the hottest version of yourself you can be a certain dark type you know flat is not no big deal you know i don't know what what what do those butt cheeks look like that's important um yeah she says she's tall right like she's that kind of style like a tall thin that's definitely a traditional type of hot girl

And look, this really comes down to like, yeah, what do you want? I also think that like surgery is not just saving money and you get it. It's not without complications. It's like my podcast, my Trash Tuesday co-host Kalilah, she got fake tits and then they made her sick and she had to take them out. I have another few girlfriends who've had to take them out. Like it can cause complications. It's like not that simple and easy. It's also expensive. Like it's,

I get it. I wanted fake tits for a long time when I was little. Like, I prayed for boobs. Like, I... In those group chats, trying to get someone to fund your tit job. I get it. Like, but I think there's a lot more to it. And if it were me, I would...

to trying to make myself feel my hottest without the boob job first and like see how that goes. Like give myself six months of being like, I'm going to, you know, do this skincare, like something non-surgical. Right, right, right. Get some like a push-up bra that's going to make me feel good. Like just try that first before you commit to cutting your body open and putting...

fake objects in, like, that's not always the best solution. Sure. On the other hand, modern science is making advancements every day. No, but yes, I think that's absolutely the correct thing. It's like, look, you control the way you want to look, and I think, like, there's no real analog for guys, but if there is a big dick surgery, I'm getting it right now. Fuck.

The reason everyone... Like, I would be nude... I'm basically nude all the time on the internet. If I had a big penis, I would be fully nude constantly. It would help my self-esteem. I would feel better about myself. I don't... I fuck. It's not even like a sexual thing. It's literally an aesthetic thing where I'd be like, dude, if I had a nice hog right now that just looked cool, not even about fucking, because fucking's not the issue. So I fully sympathize here. But...

Esther's right in that. Really think about it, right? Like, not only the financial thing, but yeah, surgery is fucking scary no matter what. And think, like, do I really want this thing? Like...

If the answer is yes, then, you know, it's your body. You should look how you want to look. I do think probably, but it's important not to only think about the best case scenario because it could be best case scenario. No complications. They look great. Your life's better, but there's flip sides. You know, it might be fucked up. It might cost you a lot of money. So...

That's really it. I think it's okay if the benefit is nothing outside of your own satisfaction because you have to live in your body every day and you have to feel good about it. But also that's not true that it wouldn't benefit you. Yeah, there's so many other benefits. There's so many cool benefits. And you'd be doing a service to the world. There should be a tax credit for everyone who gets big tits. And that's what I'm running on 2024.

Free healthcare if you get breast implants. I'm not opposed to that. It's not bad for women. So yeah, but absolutely think about it more than just tits are awesome. I would like big ass tits. Which you're not wrong, but think about the actual ways they would affect you. And yeah, I think that's a good goal. Give it six months of life. Are there other non-surgical ways to...

you know, less expensive, non-surgical ways. And in the meantime, maybe you can get yourself a little fucking Hyundai Sonata so you'll have the car too. But those are things that took a lot of, took a lot out of me not to just say yes. But we're rooting for you either way. Sound off in the comments. Pound off in the comments, yeah. All right.

Cool. Cool.

What? $85? What?

Or do I go with the expensive ring? Y'all let me know. What the fuck? She wants a cheap ring? For real? This isn't like some kind of trick? Right. I'm trying to crunch the numbers here. It could be the kind of thing where she's a hyper, like, pragmatic person. Yeah. And they don't have, they just got their own place. They don't have that much money. For her, it's more about the commitment than the actual, like, thing. Yeah.

So, I don't know what's... First of all, I'd ask her friends. I'd ask around a little bit here. Absolutely. I would go to them before you went to a podcast host. But just kind of pull them a little bit. And look, if that's her thinking, if she's like, if you know this is the kind of thing that she wants and you really can confirm that, then get it. And maybe if you get more successful a little later on in life, you could always replace it with an actually nice ring and

But if it's the kind of thing that she's not going to actually like and you're just doing it so people don't think you're cheap, then that's the wrong thinking. This is ultimately what she wants, right? So you have to honor it. It just feels a little $85. What the fuck is that? Costume jewelry costs more than $85. Yeah, that is surprising. I am also thinking, like, she is sending you the link, so there is some sort of communication open here. So maybe just asking her, like, hey...

Is that really? That's a good point. But I also think bringing up asking the friends is good too. That, you know, that's just like the chicer, like more secret way to go about it. But I think that's cool. Like I think spending a ton of money on an engagement ring is absurd. Like if I think $85 is enough,

if it's cute and it's what you like and it's really just like you said, like it's just about the commitment and the meaning. I don't know. Yeah, like I lose things all the time. I'd much rather be not scared of losing something expensive. I don't know. Or there's even like, you know, there's some kind of middle ground here of like,

It's funny how like lab-grown diamonds are so much cheaper and nicer Yeah, for some reason people want the fucking ones that it's like you want veal instead of regular beef You want suffering? Yeah in your diamonds. Yes, so it's like you could get a lab-grown one. That's much cheaper. It looks awesome I don't know. But yeah, that's a great point. She's already sending links. It seems like you guys have good communication one way or another you should if you don't want to ask her directly and

Or you could be like, hey, I'm not saying it's happening now, but are you serious about this $85 ring? That's kind of wild. Yeah. I was thinking more this. So that's, you know, if you know the situation better than we do, but either friends or her, I would broach the subject and figure it out. And then...

I'm just so relieved because I thought he was going to be like, we just moved in and she's been asking me to get married. And I don't, I thought it was going to be like, I don't want to. He's like, I'm actually thinking about fucking the girl, my job. Like I a hundred percent thought that's where this was going to go. So like, this is my, this is a much better question than I thought we were going to get.

You said you got engaged. What kind of ring? Yes, so I have a family ring, which was free, which is my favorite price. There we go. Yeah, so I don't put a high priority on that, but I know people do. That's just coming from a place of insecurity anyway, so I think this guy's in a good position. No, I fully agree. I do find the whole...

Especially when you don't have money to begin with. Getting a $20,000 ring when you don't have anything else going on seems so fucking crazy. What's the rule? Three months salary? Oh, yeah. Even that is so weird to me. Yeah. Just... Yeah.

Fake rings are great. Yeah, a little cubic zirconium. Yeah, one of my best friends just got married and she got her husband just a silicone rubber band ring. She's like, he's going to lose it. I'm like, that's really smart. Yeah, absolutely. So yeah, I think you're good. I think you're good there, buddy. But we'll see. We'll see. We'll see how it works out for you. How long have we been doing here, Eldish?

We're at an hour and a half. Ooh, nice. You have time for a couple more? Yeah, of course. Cool. Let's do a couple more. Hello, Stav. As an international man of mystery and mischief, I have a question for you. My wife and I have two kids, about six and seven, and my wife and my kids are dual citizens with Italy. They've only visited Italy.

they got it through the matrilineal line where you sort of like sue in Italy, pay a lot of money and wind up getting citizenship reinstated retroactively. But this means that I could get citizenship as, you know, the dad and the spouse and we can move to Italy, but we could only really afford to move in some country-ass village type place in Italy, which I've, you know, I've spent some time there. It's beautiful. I would love it. But my concern is

Taking kids from New York City to nowhere rural Italy, what's that going to do to them? And my question for you is your experience of being out in the countryside in Greece, which is probably not a lot different than out in the countryside in Italy.

What's that like? I'm sure you've got some cousins or something like that that are all messed out, Greek style. I'd like to hear about the Mediterranean mess head way of life. Thank you. Love the pod. Bye.

Interesting, interesting. Well, first of all, some of this isn't adding up. He's like, you can only afford to live in rural Italy, but you're afforded to live in New York City with kids? What the fuck are you talking about, dude? It sounds like you're going to have to move either way if you can't. Maybe they don't have jobs and shit. They're thinking about income once they move there, that kind of thing. Well, who the fuck moves somewhere you can't get a job?

I don't know, maybe... Was he going to retire in fucking rural Italy at whatever age he is? So this is a weird question. I would assume his wife can at least get a job. He should be able to get a job.

I do have dual citizenship, but I had to put it on pause because I got drafted into the Greek army. What? Yeah. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They sent a letter to my... We have like a family house in Athens and my cousin, my uncle called us and he was like, hey, got some news for you. Stop. Got drafted into the army. And we were all laughing. I mean, I'm not going, obviously. That's sort of similar, Jason, is that I'm still a resident of Illinois and so I keep deferring jury duty for the last like...

30 years basically I'm like at a certain point I'm in trouble but that's crazy because I recently learned that my dad was like spent the entire like first 10 years of his or 5 years of being like an adult dodging the Vietnam draft and I do think like that fucks with people oh yeah well I mean for me it's like I just can't it's fake I

I just told them, I was like, look, I'm a Greek citizen, but I grew up in America. My life is here. And they're like, okay, but if you visit Greece for more than three months in a year, we will arrest you and take you to the army. So until I age out, which is like, I don't know, in my 40s or something, I can only be in Greece for like two months tops, which is fine. Total or per year? Per year. So they just want to make sure that you're not actually lying about living in Greece.

And my mom, the first time I went, she was so worried. She was like, take the paper with you. She was like, really, Ma? You think they're really fucking dying to have me in the army? Is there any part of you that's like...

Should I do it? Yeah, of course. So I got drafted when I was 20. So it was the kind of thing where I was like, should I just go to Greece? Like, it would be kind of interesting. It would be kind of fun. I don't think you go for that long, I think, especially since I was foreign born. Maybe I could have been gone. It would have been a year or something like that. Yeah.

But my cousin was there for like a couple, I think you go, I don't know what the terms are anymore. It used to be like fucking three years. Like my dad went, everyone has to go to the army in Greece because there's so few people that if a war happens, every man is trained to be in the army. That's the idea. Like the old draft. Um,

So every, all my, all my male relatives have all been in the army in Greece. And part of me was like, that would be kind of, cause like my life wasn't, I didn't like college. It was like, I was in this weird period where I did stand up when I was, I started standing up when I was 19 and,

And I did it for a year, and then all that immigrant guilt kicked in, and I quit, and I focused on school. So I hated it, right? Because I knew I wanted to do comedy, but part of me was like, no, no, I need to really give school a chance. So I was depressed. I didn't like what I was doing. I was getting fat as hell, because I've had multiple times where I got...

the fattest you know i've i've been that was the first time i got really fucking fat i was just so depressed and i was like maybe i should just change my life go to greece like i was thinking about studying abroad and then i got that and i was like well i literally couldn't or they'd arrest me but yeah part of me was like fuck it let me just go who gives a fuck

I'm always curious about that. Like, what would it be like to go to prison for two months? Like, would I get caught and tough? Probably not. Yeah, probably not. You might make friends. Like, it's not, I don't think it's like as, as like crazy as people think. Like, I think ultimately it still is like, no one's just going to immediately fuck you up for whatever, unless you did some kind of crazy crime. Right.

Like the kind of jail you would go to, you'd probably be fine. Okay, cool. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't think you'd be like a gang leader or anything like that.

And now back to our friends question here. I mean, Greece was nice, but I like, you know, I always went on fucking vacation. So I couldn't tell you. I can tell you that a generation because the I think Italy doesn't have the best economy either. But it's like no one who's young has a job. Everyone's just kind of hanging out. It's a fun life. Like it's they're all they're all get coffee and just chilling for hours on end. But I

Don't fucking go to Italy, man. Really? You don't think so? I don't think so. I mean, and I love Greece, obviously. But I would never live there. Like, my dream is to be successful enough where I can take the summer so off that I live in Greece about three months out of the year. Like, that's my dream is like when I'm fully established. Why wouldn't you want to live there, though? Like, because don't you...

To me, when I hear this, I'm like, wait, yeah, a way out of this consumer capitalism rat race that we're all living in where the food is poisoned. Yeah, yeah, there's definitely positives, right? Right. But I also think you can get that a little bit more if you don't... First of all, having kids in New York seems fucking crazy to me. In Manhattan, I don't think children should be allowed in Manhattan.

Wait, that's a great rule. I don't think cars or children should be allowed in Manhattan. It should be adults on bikes getting fucked up, having a good time, doing drugs. They can go in to see the museums and they have to leave by sundown. Yes. That's what I think the rules are. All children must be indoors by sundown. There can be a couple designated areas for emergencies. And I know what you're saying, but it's not like you're free of that stuff.

in Greece or Italy for example like it just feels like it's honestly it feels like it's 20 years behind like I remember when I went to Greece like 5 years ago people were like is that an iPhone? literally they were like whoa can we see it? and still in Greece people have flip phones like half of the people still have flip phones and shit it's like this weird mix you can't really get wifi everywhere and especially if you went to a little bit more of a rural place then yes there's certainly some

positives to just a simpler way of life. Like, yeah, you're not hyper-bombarded with all the advertisement and all the shit that we're talking about here. Right, you get those dopamine baseline levels down. Yeah, they actually play outdoors. They have a real actual social life where it's like my cousin to this day walks to his friend's house.

and like just might not even call him sometimes or just calls him. There's not, you're not always online. You're not texting. They don't care that much about it. Like they don't really know how to use Instagram. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like adult men will post like face-tuned selfies. Yeah.

Like, it is a simple, you're right about that. It is a simpler, like, life in that regard. I guess I'm thinking of it in terms of, like, I guess I'm thinking about myself. If my parents, because my dad always talks about, because honestly, until I was like, until I was what, 14? He threatened he was going to move to Greece, we were going to move to Greece every summer. So I would, like, say goodbye to my friends.

at the end of the school year and I would be like, "Alright guys, this is probably gonna be it." And then every year I would just be at school.

And so I'm thinking about my life in Greece and it's like, I mean, I don't know, it would suck. Interesting. But then again, the future is not necessarily the same. Like part of that is because people our age in Greece are fucked because of the financial crisis. And so they don't just have jobs and shit. But it's not like America's looking that good for the future. You're right. I just think about education, like opportunity. But then again, it's like...

If you have all that stuff, are you happy? Right? Right. At the end of the day, the odds are those kids might grow up happier even if they don't, you know, they don't have a good enough job. But what does it mean to use a good job here? Also, then they could come back to America and then be like these exotic people who grew up in Italy. True, true, true, true. Like, people will be very into that. That is true. But I also think, like, you're the adult and maybe this is just because I'm a person with no kids, but, like, do what's best for you.

you. Don't fucking live your life where you're stupid little kids. It's still your life. That's interesting. Yeah, that was your parents. That's how your parents approached you. That's my culture. Kids don't matter. So yeah, I mean...

I can tell you I would rather have grown up here all things considered, but that's also hard to say. It's like, what would you want to change if you're happy with yourself?

I guess you have to make the decision of like what, do you want a simpler, you know, almost old-fashioned quality of life for them and then they could always make the decision to move back to America? It's not like they're never going to come, right? Like you probably have family here. They'll probably be back and forth. So it might be kind of interesting. But ultimately, yes, I do think it's like the right financial move. Like what makes sense for you? Can you get a job there? I still don't understand how the New York City people

to rural Italy thing, how that's, how you can't afford to live somewhere better in Italy if you live in New York right now, but maybe you have a rent control department, who fucking knows. But yeah, I would say do the fucking easiest financial thing. Ultimately, at the end of the day, you just want to provide a better thing for your family. Now, is your wife really pushing for this? Like, what are the other pros? Because if there's no, if you don't have a great opportunity, if there's no

you know, financial incentive. Like, I think I still believe like Italy and it's good for that to be a part of their lives. Like Greece, I have a connection to it. It always mattered to me. I like visiting, but I don't know that it's the best place for them to grow up unless you have some kind of sweetheart deal in Italy, which it doesn't sound like you do. Yeah. Also, I feel like when you are approaching a possibility of like making a big life change or taking a big swing, it's like,

You really only want to do that if you know you want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're like, I can't not do it. Right. If you're questioning it, then you're going to get there and be like, what? Or if it's even like a lateral move and you just shifted everything in your life for something that's just kind of similar, that shit kind of sucks. But...

I don't know. Do you have support from her family or do you have places to fucking work or are you just going because you have like a little fantasy of the countryside and drinking fucking, you know, fresh wine and fucking being on the beach and shit like that because that shit ends quick. Like that's, you don't get the vacation. You should know that. You just have to actually live there, so.

Hopefully that helped. Eldest, do you have a nice banger for us to go out on, pal? You want a banger or a softball to wind this down? Something to wind... You know how it goes, Eldest. I put it in your lap and we see if you fail or you succeed. You're on a hot streak. You've done really well the last three times I've done this to you. So let's see. It just has to be good. I will give you no further instruction other than that. I'm going to go with my gut here. Go with your gut, Eldest.

Bobby baby, Dan down in Florida. Hey, so I recently got a job where I'm going to be traveling a lot and I know working in comedy, you travel a lot as well. Probably eat a lot of restaurants too. I'm a big food guy myself. Uh, just seeing if you got any general tips for traveling for a living and some good things to, uh, take people to like a business lunch for like what kind of cuisines would be good for that? Funny as hell. Love the show. Bye.

I would say if you want to follow my example, for the first half of the time that you're traveling, you should eat whatever you want and get really fucked up all the time and try and fuck as many strangers as possible. And then have a sobering moment where your body aches and so does your soul. And you're like, what am I doing? I'm a grown man with no family. My brothers are both married. This is my life?

This is my life. I'm eating edibles with a 24-year-old off Instagram. Why don't I? And I'm having fucking Burger King for breakfast. I'm racking up $80 room service breakfasts. So that's if you want to live the Stavi baby lifestyle. That's the first half of the tour. And the second half, you try and be healthy for it. But I mean, I don't know, man. Traveling.

I think if you're looking to take people to fun business lunches, I wouldn't focus on which cuisine is good for that. I would just like get into hyper-focused research mode of finding what are the coolest, best restaurants in the area and take people to that. Like whenever I'm taking out on a business dinner and someone's like, this is the hottest reservation in town, that's what gets me off. That's when I'm like, oh, this person is cool. They care. They want to impress me. Like that feels good. And I...

I definitely have traveled and done the road and, like, done it both ways as you, where you're like, I'm only hurting myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And, yeah, I think if you can sort of recognize that that's a mistake a lot of people make and you might not want to make it and, like, find the little ways that are going to feel good. Like, what do you do now when you're trying to, like, actually respect yourself on the road? Right, right, right. So that's... So, yes, I think it's, like, when you decide...

One thing, if you're new to traveling, is realizing at the end of the day, this is my job. It's not a vacation. Because that's a big problem that I think a lot of comedians go through when they first get on tour. It's like, this rules. I'm fucking in a city I've never been to. People are giving me free drugs. I can drink as much as I want at this club. But realize it is your job. And you're probably going to be a little less healthy than you are at home. But still try and be as healthy as possible. When I'm trying to respect myself, it's like, okay...

I'm having like, I'm having salads. I'm having a breakfast that's like a couple eggs, some chicken or turkey sausage. And like, if I can get a little side salad, great. And like, and then I'll have a salad, like I'll go to like a healthy, like a healthy, like the restaurants that exist for people that are like,

Like working in a city like a fucking, you know, like a fast casual. Yeah. Like the Chipotle health clones. Yes. They're like Chipotle salad places. Like I was in Minneapolis and I went to one restaurant. I was like, I have to try one cool thing from here. And I went to the best Vietnamese place that everybody recommended. And that was fucking awesome. But...

Pre-show, I ate at this fucking place called Fresh & Co. or Crispin Green or some shit like that. It was just some salad place, and it was fine. I ate there every night before the shows, and where I really fucked myself is staying in a hotel that had a little snack. Oh, yeah. And those ruined me. That's always so shady. I was like, good, I have healthy snacks, I have everything, and then you go to the hotel and you see a little fucking, and it's like an exotic candy that you don't know about, and you're like, well, I have to try.

What is a nut goodie? I want to see. No, I struggle with that too. When I go on the road with my friends, it's like, let's get as high as possible and eat all the snacks.

But I've noticed that when I do that, then I'm not caring about the work as much. A hundred percent. And, you know, as my high school theater teacher, Mr. Ortman, told me, the fun comes from the work. Right. And so I'm trying to get more into that space. Again, I'm just projecting here. This is all my issues. Shout out to Ortman. Yes, Tim Ortman. Thank you for making me the man I am today. And I would also say that, like...

One thing that for myself that I want to do when I go on the road is I want to like get into a new show and be really excited about getting back to the room and like watching a show as opposed to like some of the naughtier behaviors. No, that's smart. Yes. Something that grounds you to the hotel room. Yeah. You're like, I just want to get back. I want to like that's the hard part about comedy that you don't have to worry about is that the day ends at 1 a.m. for us. Like that's when you can actually relax and you're jazzed.

So it's hard not to go out and fucking drink and shit. But if you're just like, you know, if you're doing a regular schedule, you're talking about a business lunch. I love the idea of finding out the cool place. But I also think if you're talking about like, you know, doing...

Do a little research, do the cool place, but also realistically, you can't go wrong with a corporate steakhouse for a business lunch. Ooh, yeah. A Del Frisco's, like, just something... Take me to a yard house. Yeah, yes, yes. You want some kind of cool... Like, if you can't get to the, like, oh, I checked this place out, it was awesome, I'm letting you in on a little secret, just go to, like, the higher-end corporate chains. Like, steak is probably the most fucking foolproof because...

Even if somebody's eating healthy, they usually have like a nice salad. But if you just want to flex that card, you know what I mean? Spend a little ribeye, you'll be good to go. So definitely get into research mode. Ask around. Ask regular ass motherfuckers that you see. And then look, don't just take their word for it. Triangulate that with some fucking online research. Get a name. See what the fuck, see what online is saying. But if enough real people say it,

Like, some of the best Chinese restaurants that I've had, ate at, have, like, a 3.5 stars on Yelp. You know, because it's, like... Oh, wait, that's another thing Kalilah taught me, is that, like, the 3.5 is the best rating for Chinese restaurants because that means, like...

It's low enough where like the service was bad. You want bad service. Yeah. I took my mom to get dumplings in Chinatown in Manhattan. They were best Chinese food she's ever had. But she hated it because she was a waitress for so long. And she was like, you just, you do not treat people like that.

They were just like so rude in Chinese. They were just like, just throwing, you know, they just throw your dumplings like, okay, what do you want? Like that fucking fast. And my mom could not handle it. I like get off on that. I'm like, you treat me like shit. I'm a nothing. I'm a hungry nothing. Hungry nothing. So good luck, buddy. That's...

I think that's going to do it for us, Otis. I would say that was solid. It wasn't your best work, but you didn't fail either. You got to go with your gut. You got to take a shot.

Esther, anything you want to plug to the people? Anything you want them to find you? Well, I would love for you to come guest on Trash Tuesday when you're in L.A. Yep, when I'm in L.A. I would love to come out. And yeah, I'm on tour and I'm doing shows in New York this summer. Hell yeah. Yeah, that's all. Go see Esther. Come see us on tour, me and Elders. Stavi.biz. The Fat Rascal Tour is selling out, baby. We've probably already announced the second leg by now.

Fuck, I got to be better at this. But that's going to do it for us, guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.