#98 - Chris Distefano
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Welcome to Stabby's World, everyone. We have an incredible episode with my pal Chris DiStefano coming up just in one second. I just want to let you know that my movie, Let's Start a Cult, which I star in, I co-wrote, it comes out in theaters October 25th. It's going to be in a handful of theaters. We'll have more information on that. Go to this link that we've added. We're adding screenings every day and cities every day, but we're also doing a handful of...

special screenings before, you know, that I will be at. We'll be doing Q&As. There's one in LA, although those might be, by the time this comes out, it might be sold out. LA, Chicago, Baltimore, New York, and Brooklyn, a special screening in both Manhattan and Brooklyn. And it's coming out on the 25th in a handful of cities. We're trying to expand it. Go to the link, see if it's coming to your town. And if it is, please buy a ticket. I'll kiss you right on the, I won't say what. But anyway, let's start the music and let's enjoy this great episode with my pal Chrissy D.

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in to get all of your problems solved. We have one of the greatest, the great geniuses of Queens, New York.

Born and bred Chris DiStefano. How's it going, buddy? How you doing, my friend? Freshly living in Queens. Back to Queens. Dude, you grew up in, was it Ridgewood? Ridgewood, baby. Which is, you know, my mom bought that house. Love it. For $60,000 in 1984. Yes, yes. She's told me that the Hasidic Jews are starting to come around and offer about 1.52 mil cash. Interesting. She's like, I'm not- She better play ball. You see what they're up to over in the Middle East? Yes.

There might be a, oh, wait, there's a Hamas splinter cell in the basement of this home. Unless she sells. She's told me, she says, you know what, Chris, but I'm not going to sell that. I want you to inherit this home the way I inherit, you know, our family. Oh, that's good. She's like, I want you, and I know that you'll keep this in our family. And I'm saying, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Right, right, right. But in my head, I'm going to say...

I'm going to invite these Jews to my mom's funeral and sell it for 2.3 cash at the casket.

We'll throw in the hardwood of the casket. Yes. You can strip this. We'll fucking bury her in the ground. And then you can fuck... Yeah, that's... I'm out, dude. And then, yeah. I mean, Ridgewood now, it's like, it's basically just an extension. It's kind of hipster. It's Bushwick. Everybody will tell you now in Ridgewood that they live in Bushwick. That's the new thing. I've been saying it since 2010 since I started stand-up comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been...

It's Queens, but to me, it doesn't feel... This, to me, feels like Queens. This part. Right. You know, I don't know the geography. I've lived here for 10 years. I don't know. Is it northern or whatever part of Queens? I don't know either. But yeah, that part... I guess it really comes down to the trend. We're just starting off...

with train. It was like, well, the M runs that. You could pick up the M in this part. So it's like, this is so boring for everybody else. But it does come down to the trains, really. It does come down to the trains. It's closer to the Bushwick trains. It is. And I got to be honest with you, being like a native New Yorker, I don't know directions.

You can tell me north, south, east, west. I have no idea what it is. I'm like, what? Tell me. Is it by the M trains? Is it by the Forest Avenue M train? Or is it by the KFC down Myrtle Avenue? I don't know which way am I going. But I do think that. That KFC is beautiful. Or is it that Popeye's Taco Bell Myrtle Avenue Nexus? That beautiful Checker's.

Checkers. Checkers, Popeyes, Taco Bell, I believe. We're all out there. It's been a while since I was doing shows out there, but after taking a hot one at a show, just bombing my tits off, you better believe I had nights where I had a little bit of everything over there. A little bit of fucking... It is funny being from Ridgewood because the neighborhood has changed. It used to have old school... Ridgewood is a German neighborhood, so it was like one of the historically German... Really? Like, actually, from World War II, Germans came there. Now, pre or post...

host. Oh, wow. Dude, they had... You grew up in little fucking... Little Berlin? Yeah, yeah. And so they had a rally at Madison Square Garden. I remember... Yes, the Nazi party. In the 1930s, one of the bakeries in Ridgewood catered that event. Your childhood bakery was making fucking... Yeah. Stroopwafels for Hitler. Yeah.

When I was a little kid, when I was a little kid, I... That's fucking hilarious. Well, the people would come up to me, like older people, and start talking to me in German. And I was like, I don't know. Were you blonder? I'm pushing D. Were you a little blonde boy? Oh, yeah. I had bleach. I had blonde hair, blue eyes. Were you fatter? I walked straight up. Huh? Were you fat? No, I was skinny. But I was skinny, but I did wear Hugo Boss uniforms. Yeah.

You had SS insignia and you were goose-stepping to that bakery? I couldn't understand why these people were asking me if I'm German, meanwhile I'm wearing a Luftwaffe uniform to school.

So they would talk to me in German. I never thought I was German. Wow. I had no idea. And then I did the Ancestry.com thinking I'm going to be mostly Italian, a little Irish, whatever, maybe a little German. And it turned out I was like 95% German. What? So even your dad?

So my dad's dad. Because he looks Italian. He looks Italian, but he told me, he was like, oh, like, his mom, my grandmother who died when I was a little kid, he was like, she was 100% German. He was like, I just didn't tell you that. I just wanted you to think you were Italian. It was a great shame on our, for our paisans. We never brought it up. Right, because my dad wasn't a made man because of this fucking German bitch mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow, being so Italian that even being German is kind of like being black to you. Yes, you lie about it. Being so racist, you're like... So then my mom, you know, when I did this Ancestry.com, my mom was like, oh yeah, you know, you're...

Her father, her actual dad. Your mom's dad. My mom's dad, who I never met. He left the family. Dude, he left the family in like 1959. He had five kids. My mom was one of five. Oh, my God. And this guy fully just one day was like, I'm not doing this anymore, and left and started another family. Wow.

Wow. And then later on in life, one of his kids. New game. It's like, I didn't level up my Pikachu fast enough. I'm going to start a whole new level from the beginning. Which in the 50s, you could not do that. So it was one of those things. Nobody's getting divorced. And then this guy leaves. My grandfather leaves the family and goes starts another life on Long Island. And then my mom says, my grandmother, the people in the neighborhood would be like, what did you do to make him leave? Ha ha ha.

Jesus Christ. You grew up in like a fucking, in like a Nazi misogynist neighborhood with mob ties. Yeah.

Yeah, they had my family. They were like these, you know, they thought my mom and her were like useless eaters not contributing to the Nazi way. And they're like, why did you have, how could the husband leave? It must be the woman's fault. That's insane. And so for a while, so my mom, my, uh, uh,

then eventually remarried this guy who I would call Pops, who I thought was my grandfather for my entire life. And he was Italian? He was Italian. So to you, your grandfather's Italian. Italian, and this is the Italian customs. There's some deadbeat on Long Island. Who left. Yeah, eating schnitzel. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't know. And I didn't know that my grandfather wasn't my grandfather until he died. That's wow. Because I was like, oh, he was from Palermo, Sicily. And I was like, we should go back. I want to like meet my relatives. See my roots. Yeah. And then my mother was like, what? Yeah. She was like, you know that that.

He's your grandfather and raised you as such, but he's not like a blood grandfather. I was like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she was like, no, no, that's not your... That wasn't grandma's husband. How old were you? 15. Oh, wow. And she just never brought it up. No, she claimed she did, but I just was never listening. I was just always working on my jump shot. Which is feasible. I was in my two-bedroom queen's apartment just doing dribbling drills. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so...

So we, you know, I, I, I find all this out. And then, and then on Facebook, like a couple of years ago, I get a message from this guy. I think his name was, I forgot what his name was on. But he mentioned, he goes, Hey, he goes, I'm kind of like your half uncle. He was like, my dad left your mom's mom and married my mom. And, and, and, and I'm the product of your basically grandfather leaving your family. And then he started a family and I'm one of those kids. And,

and I'm like, oh, this is, he just wants to reach out and then it's like, he goes, he goes, and you know, I'm an up and coming musician. Oh no. He goes, so if you want me to open for you at Radio City, I'd love to. No, Radio City right away. Swear to God. Swear to God. He goes, if you want me to open up for you at Radio City and I go, and then he goes, I'd love to meet my half sister. And then,

I literally was told my mom my mom was like I do not want to meet him my mom convened with her sister she was like we do not want to meet this guy nothing against him but I don't want to meet anybody from my you know my father's past so I didn't write back for like a week and then I go to write back because I talked to you know my podcast producer was like but we've got to have him on the pod we've got to

And then your mental illness kicks in. It's insane that he would be like, let me over for Radio City, and then you're like, I see you and I raise you, let's do a pod. Yeah.

So I go to write back to this guy. I write back to this guy. Hey, you know, like whatever, not interested in the Radio City, but, you know, good luck with your music. But if you want to come on like the pod, might be fun, like a Patreon up show, whatever. And then his wife writes back on the Facebook. She goes, he actually passed away three days ago.

No. In a drunk driving accident. Yes, swear to God. Is that real? That's all real. Do you have the clippings from the Long Island Times or whatever? No. Because that to me sounds like you might have gotten got by one of the most basic internet lies. Oh, hey, this is his wife. He's dead. You're like, oh, no. But fuck. Fuck.

Colleen Finance, I have a podcast to fill. I have a Patreon episode to fill. You start weeping. So that, I mean. That's crazy. But you know what it is? You're at his funeral just crying about the clips that would have gone viral. I know. That don't exist. Why couldn't you have held on one more week? I'm like, man, we had a whole live stream set up. The YouTube super chat was going off. They were going to start giving us $10. $10.

Oh, baby, I've been putting my body through some serious trials. I've been on the set of tires where there's snacks everywhere, free lunches, free breakfast, and I've strayed from all my healthy eating. The bathroom can get messy, thankfully.

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but yeah dude what you know what's funny you know what i do do you ever like do you guys ever talk to the elderly like you ever like just strike up a conversation with someone with a random old person so i i do that now i make it a point to try to do if i can it's interesting i get because i mean i don't i mean mostly i've been i've been in baltimore and so i've been talking to my grandma way more but not a random one but i do like that because old people will surprise you so old so i the other uh

It wasn't the other day. It was like maybe three months ago. I was having like just one of those days. I was sipping some coffee. I was having like the greatest day. I don't know why. The sun was hitting me. Vibes were right. My serotonin was good. Whatever I did, I just was having... I was peaceful. And I was sitting there and this old lady comes up. She comes up to me. And she's like, oh, can I sit here on the bench? And I was like, sure. And I was just in one of these moods. And...

And she looks at me and she goes, oh, you have very nice teeth. I was like, oh, thanks. Very nice teeth is awesome. I was like, you want to fuck? Yeah. I was like, I'll fuck you like the Nazi that I am. And so she goes, yeah, she goes, you know, I worked in a dentist office for 30 years. Oh, wow. And I was like, wow. And she was like, and I just retired recently. And I was like, oh, cool. And I was like, oh, you know, fuck.

flirting, you know, joking. I was like, oh, what are you, 45? And, you know, she's like literally like, you know, her bones are like disintegrating. She's like a shrimp. Yeah. And so she goes, no, I'm actually 91. And I was like, wow. And I was like, and you just retired? And she goes, yep. She goes, the best years of my life were working at this dental office. She was like, how old are you? And at the time I was like 38, I was 39. And she was like, you must feel like you're like, you had your best years behind you at that age. And I

And I was like, I actually at times I do. Yeah. And she was like, nope. She was like, my life really began when I was 60. She was like, I swear. She was like, I felt like when I turned 60, the world opened up for me. And I was like, that's very interesting. And then this girl is walking by like really like pretty girl. And I just like took a look. And you're like, all right, see you, bitch. Hey, what's going on, sweetheart? I kicked over a wheelchair and said, fuck you. Yeah.

And so she says to me, she goes, I took a look and then, you know, whatever. And then, you know, kept wanting to talk to her. And she goes, you like her, huh? Yeah. And I was like, I was like, no, no, I was just taking a look. She goes, do you have like a family? I said, yes, you know, kids or whatever. You know, I'm not married to the mother of my children, but, you know, been together 10 years. She goes, yeah, but, you know, life is short.

And I was like, I was like, yeah, I was like, you know, you're 91. You just kind of you're kind of flipping what you're telling me. You said life begins at 60. Now it's short. What's going on here? And she goes, she goes, you know, but, you know, she was like, you should, though, if you like a girl like that, she goes, you should you should pursue that. You should really talk to her and just maybe have a conversation with her. Maybe she goes, maybe she's not what you think she is, but you won't know unless you talk to her.

Wow. And I was like... This pro-cheating 91-year-old. I know. Chris has made up a woman to hide just in case Jasmine sees his texts. He's like, babe, this mystical grandma told me I had to talk to her. I'm sorry. It was special. Now he's using this fucking podcast to be read into the court records. So there's a public record of this fake old lady. When she said that, I literally in my head was thinking, is Jasmine undercover right now? What?

Is this miswired? Sal and Jasmine, they got the impractical Joker set up. And Jasmine's like, tell him he should pursue it. See what he does. He's like, this fucking idiot. So she goes, so I was like, well, no, I can't do that. I was like, I can't do that.

And she was like, no, she was like, I'm saying, all I'm saying is she goes, I'm not telling you to have an affair. She goes, but don't judge yourself if you do. Wow. And I was like, what? She goes, we live in a society, in an American society where you live in a box. She was like, when you go to Europe and these other societies, they don't think of it this way. She was like, my point is, is,

don't do things, don't be upset at yourself if you make a mistake of something. How did she say? She said, as long as you don't define nature. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, don't kill it. No gay shit. No gay shit, no black shit.

This incredibly open-minded woman is like, keep it within your race, son. She was like, don't murder anyone. Don't rape anyone. Don't eat meat on Fridays during Lent. Don't run a priest out of town if he made a mistake. It's an honest living. It's hard. He's lonely. We're all human.

And so she was like, don't put yourself... She was like, my point is, if you like someone, just have a conversation with them. She was like, this life you'll see at the end of it is just about relationships. She was like, so you don't have to act on everything, but you should talk to people. She was like, I think a lot of your generation...

doesn't even, you feel like everyone's always watching you and you can't even talk to that girl or talk to that guy. And that's why you're all cheating on each other and getting divorced. You should just have a conversation with her. And I was kind of wanting to say it, but the problem is, is if I have a conversation with her, I'm going to ask for Instagram and it's going to turn into, first I'm just, you know, looking at her pictures. Then I'm going down 180 weeks deep and I'm screenshotting the one boomerang she has where her ass looks kind of good and I'm jerking off to that for two weeks. I,

And then it becomes I'm DMing her, I'm showing up outside of her job, and then I fully leave my family for this fucking barista. And then you're in Long Island. Yes. New second family. But she had told me, though, she was like, I was in a horrible marriage for about 20 years. And she goes, and the thing is, it wasn't horrible. He wasn't beating me. She goes, but it was horrible because we never communicated. We didn't have any communication with each other, and that's why it was horrible. And I only realized...

after we divorced. That's why I feel like my life began. Yeah, well, that's what I was going to say. Just without even knowing any of that, my first knee-jerk reaction was for this woman, I wonder if there is something freeing with age as a woman when it's like society's expectations kind of fall away. It's almost like it's so hard to be a woman in society because you're judged by like,

if you're hot, if you're like, and it's like, if she's at 60, and that's what I was thinking, maybe she's old, she might have been in a shitty relationship, maybe that's, she gets divorced, she's not a piece of ass anymore, so people aren't, that's, obviously there's pros and cons to that, but it's like, people aren't treating her like that, but also, maybe they're seeing her as a fucking person for the first time, instead of just like, an object, and so it's very possible to me that somebody,

is freeing because of all the shitty aspects of whatever they're dealing with in society where I could see that being the case. I mean, I've had friends who are like hot girls who are like, I wish people just saw me. Like every time people just see me, they're trying to fuck me or even like other women are judging me on my looks and it would just be nice to be, you know. And then I would, I stopped, I kind of trailed off because their tits were like looking really good in the sun. So I didn't finish the whole thing. You're listening to her and you're like, no, I can't. And meanwhile, you're like this.

Just deep breathing. Dude, I have to tell my podcast fans to stop taking my girl Jasmine's spin classes because she does them online now. Oh my God. No, because she opened it up to online and I was like, hey guys, listen to me. I had to make like a PSA, which of course I knew was going to make it worse, but Jasmine asked me to make a PSA. Of course, of course. I was like, you guys got to stop taking her spin classes on Zoom with your cameras off. And all she can do, she says it's very uncomfortable when the other ladies in the class just hear you guys fucking breathing. Yeah.

And we know we are not breathing because of the spin bike. You know, like they're just these idiot podcast fans with the complete camera off just watching my girl spin bike. That's insanity. Well, she told, because it's her fault. She was like, can you repost some of my spin thing so I can get some more people in this class? I was like, you know, you don't want podcast fans doing that. This is tough. This is a double edged sword. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. That's a Pyrrhic victory if I've ever heard one. She was like, you know, you repost this. I was like, and then what the comment? She was like, you know, oh, I got 40 comments. And like she gets excited and then she looks and they're all talking about it. They want to sniff her seat. So I'm like, you can't. It's not going to work.

but yeah I mean it's interesting yeah what was the so the older had an end with this mage well she said but she was like you know at the end she was like you know take take my advice she was like if you don't have communication with your girl then you should not be in that relationship she was like your kids will be fine you'll be fine she was like don't make things in your head bigger than they are right at the end of the day it's

just about communication and relationships. She was like, your money doesn't matter. She was like, right now I'm 91. I could go at any minute. I don't care. I never, she was like, I never, I don't think about any car I've had. I don't think about any pair of shoes I've had. I don't think about any of that. She goes, what I'm happy, the happiest I am. She is,

kids. She was like, I'm happy that my children still want to hang out with me and talk to me and they will be by my bedside if I go. She was like, so that's what life is. She was like, so don't, you know, I feel like your younger generation, you get so hung up with the internet and what people think of you right now.

She was like, it doesn't matter. Oh, and here's one big thing she said to me, which was very interesting. She goes, I do feel bad for your generation, though, because you've been at peace for too long. And so what happens is with you young kids is I see online you're begging for war. She was like, because you've been at peace. She was like, so I lived through war, you know, because she's so she's older. She was like, I lived through war. She was like, and when you live through war.

you realize that, you know, you should be begging for peace. Peace is what it is. She was like, but you've been at peace for so long that you're going to be, you're going to be a victim of a big war. begging for fucking war. She's out of her mind about that. That's what, we're not begging for fucking war. First of all, yeah, the fucking Muslims are. Ha ha ha.

Yeah, you ever heard of Sharia Law? Yeah, just completely misread it. No, thanks. But it's like, I do think... We've been at war, by the way, since, I mean, since 2001. You know what? Yeah, this lady's a dumb bitch. She's a fucking old, dumb whore. Since 9-11, we've been at war. And right now, there is constant... She thinks...

I'm fucking stressed constantly that like who knows what the fuck's gonna happen in the Middle East like we're so close to a really catastrophic this lady didn't even exist I was just on mushrooms I really think you're hallucinating the whole time I was just talking to Mike Cannon yeah yeah

- This woman really is like exactly what you needed to hear. So I'm very skeptical that this woman existed. - Dude, and this happened a few months ago. - Where was this again? I'm sorry. - Outside a coffee shop in my neighborhood. - Oh, in your neighborhood. Okay, cool. - Yeah, it's right out of, dude, one of the best coffee shops, this place off of.

All right, well, it's by your house. Now they know. Now they're going to be grabbing a latte from there, taking your girl spin class. It's two bus stops away. Okay, okay. Yeah, that's interesting. I do want to reach out to more... Old people really are so interesting because everybody...

No, everyone is so much more complicated than you, than you have, than we ever see. And it's, I do think it's worse with the internet because people are getting flattened out and everybody's a brand now. And it's this fucked up thing. I'm sure like, I'm sure you're seeing it with your kids even where it's like, these kids have been,

and videoed since they were fetuses. And it's a weird thing where babies understand like how to project on camera, which started to make sense to me why there's, why like Gen Z and Gen Alpha even are like those, why TikTok took off, why everybody's a filmmakers because these kids have been photographed.

Since they were fucking six months old. Yeah. And they have... I see it with like a two-year-old. His expression changes when a camera comes out. It's fucked up. But everyone is aware of what they're projecting now. People are less authentic and are more worried about... So to really dig deep... And that's kind of what I like about this show. And I also... I don't do as much crime as people assume. But I like...

I like to actually ask people things that are much more... That are much... You know, to get as deep as you can. Yeah, not where you're from. Not where you're from. How many black guys have you fucked? You know, I think we like to... You know, I like... That's fun. Right. Nothing wrong with that. But, you know, I just... I like to get into it. Because you can tell...

It's such a weird setup too of like, obviously I have all the power and they're a little on edge, but you can get into some interesting things with people. But a just nice conversation with a person that on the surface you have nothing in common with is fascinating because A, you obviously do. We are so much more alike than we are different. But the things you have differences in

It's interesting to find where the fuck that came from. Well, she did say, too, she said one piece of advice that she had for me, like, in the middle of a conversation. She was like, try to talk to someone new every day. Yeah. She was like, just try to, even if it's just a hello, you should try to talk to someone new every day. She's like, that's what makes you feel better. She was like, if you're depressed, it's because you're not talking to enough people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what she said. I think that's true. I do think that, like, there is so little actual connection. Right. And that is, it is fun to be, you know, we were on the road for the first time. I took basically, you know this, I took...

the whole year off until i did my first weekend um last weekend uh at at the comedy connection in providence shout out providence it's a great it's fun it's like a comedy club in an old bank yeah yeah i love it love those guys and they've done a really nice job it's they've expanded it and they're doing even more to it they're gonna have a real green room not comedy club you gotta have a bathroom that i can in and pissing yes they don't have to

They do now. Oh, they do now? They have one downstairs and they're going to build a whole green room. I was literally like, this has just bought you. Yes. I will continue to come here for the rest of my life now solely because you have a private green room and a bathroom. If you're a comedy club and you don't have a bathroom in the green room, what I'm going to do on the very last show is I'm going to shit in the sink of whatever bathroom you send me to. I mean, dude, there's nothing worse than just having to shit and you're standing in line. Like, talk about...

and I know comedy's bullshit, status is bullshit, any even hint of mystique of the performer where you're like, um, excuse me, can I cut ahead? Yeah.

Me and Eldis had burgers and wings for lunch. Yeah. And a cold brew. I really need to get in here. Yeah, dude. I can't like, all my, you know, my fans are like, you know, girls, gay and like Puerto Rican girls and gay guys. It's like, I'm not going to, if I shit and I just blow up the bathroom, then it's like, they're not, I can't, I kind of feel like I can't now sit there and tell you about my kids. I have to talk about what a fucking disgusting shit I took. And I have to apologize to them. I just love shitting moments before being on stage.

- What I like to do and try this is to just keep you, especially if you're running like a weekend of the same set or whatever, working on something, I like to actually hold my shit and piss in because it keeps me in the game and it keeps me in the present. And I kind of feel very human where I'm like, oh, I feel that I gotta, I can't just- - That pressure, right? - I gotta get up here and stick to the script because I gotta get off in 61 minutes. I'm gonna shit on the front row.

You've invented your nature's butt plug. Yeah. A nice turd keeps you fucking... I've been trying to put like, you know, like trying to equate comedy to like with basketball. I played basketball my whole life. My dad always had like these, like I had to hit like certain marks every month. And I had to like, there was always goals. And I wasn't doing that with standup. But now I was like, ah, you know, I'm not getting as much like new material as I like. So now every Sunday I put out...

15 minutes of like that week's material. And I don't mind if the, if my eyes on my YouTube, I don't mind if the people see it this Sunday and then they see it two months later. Cause I know it will get better because I just kind of feel like with so much content coming out, I'm like, I,

Let's do more. Let's do more. No, no. Yeah, yeah. No, but I'm like, I really do love doing stand-up. Sometimes podcasting feels like a job to me, but stand-up never does. I'm always like so happy. Not now when we're talking about fake old bitches. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Not when you're workshopping your one-man play with me. Or it's conversations with an old, wise woman. Chris DiStefano. You're going to see conversations with an old bitch presented by Mike Birbiglia. You do it with half your face and then it's old lady makeup. And you're like, you should get side pussy, Chris. You work very hard. You deserve it. Oh, I don't know. I love my wife too much. Oh, come on. She's Puerto Rican. She'll understand.

You know, you just do that.

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Yeah, dude. It's true. It's true. But I don't know. I just kind of feel like, you know, you're fucking, we're all like drowning in this content. But I do, but I do feel like every, you know, at least doing the stand up. It's like, it's making me feel connected to sports again. I'm trying to make comedy like sports in my head. It's like, hey, get some shit out, even though it's like not the best. It is really interesting the how much, because you actually played in college and stuff, but like

I think about that sometimes where my life growing up was ruled by sports. Sure. I played soccer. I played like rec league basketball. I played in middle school. I didn't play in high school, but I played soccer. I played football in high school. I wrestled a little bit. I even played lacrosse for a season. Like I loved sports. I loved being in a team. And then you...

You just grow up and that's just over. Yeah. And it's so weird. Especially because it was such a... The schedule, it just gave order to your life. Like, it is a really good thing for a dumbass teen to do is to have some structure, particularly if you're, like, spacey, which, you know, I was. I feel like you definitely were. But, like...

It's good for you. And then you grow up and it's just gone. Yeah. My friends, my friends who still like watch every single game and know everything about sports, a lot of them are just like, they're not crushing it in life. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like my boys who are like, can tell you every stat of everything and they watch every single game. I mean, they still work the same jobs we worked when we were 18, which again, not judging them, but they're not, I kind of just feel like I'm,

I love sports. I love watching. I do, but I can't watch it all the time. It's like we got a bunch of, I could tell you about Emily in Paris. I watch that all the time. You know, and I watch the football on Sundays, but even like baseball, I love, I'm like, I got to consume it in small amounts because I'm like, I can't just sit here for three hours and watch every pitch of the game. Yeah, yeah. I just can't do that. Can I ask you this? Those friends that are like,

sports guys they do they have crippling gambling addictions now of course because all of them it's crazy right how much gambling is just right allowed in society now yeah I don't want to get obviously I'm not puritanical I'm not I'm not a prude or anything like that and we do want you to go put in that promo code stop me no baby just stop me stop uh

But, yeah, until I lose the sponsorship for talking openly about how it's wrong and it's moral failing and how a corporation has figured out how to steal from Italians. Like, you know, they took that. They really stole that from the mob. Sure. It's really a sign. It's like that episode of Sopranos where they try and shake down like the... Yeah. It's like the equivalent of Starbucks. And the guy's like, look, guys. Yeah. You can steal today...

but I'm going to get fired if you do. And then the next guy's going to come and he's, you can steal from him. He'll get fired. It's just going to keep happening. And eventually they're going to call the cops and they're like, ah, yeah, the world's changing. But my dad told me, cause you know, he was like when he would like work at like whatever jobs, he was like a bookie or at least like, you know, be involved, like go collect money or be, take a call. Like he was always working in that world. And he told me like when draft Kings and all that, when they like pretty much like legalize it, he was like,

It's safer. It's actually safer if the guys do it the old school way with the bookies because they know if they don't pay up, there's only a certain limit. A lot of guys will not go crazy. That's what the guy in the mafia said about sports gambling. No, come on. It's better with us. We keep it in the community. You know I'm going to kill you if you don't pay me. His point was like these draft kings and all that. He goes, you can just spend, spend, spend, spend, spend, spend, spend. And then he was like,

It's so addictive, like in the palm of your hand. - No, no, it's fucked up. - You could have it. He was like, at least like, you know, with the book, you had to fill out numbers. You have to go drop them off. There was obstacles in the way. - There was, yes. - Now no obstacles. He was like, he said that and he called Twitter. He called social media ruining society in like 2008 when nobody was saying anything other than this is great. And my dad was like, let me tell you something right now. I've never, I was still working as a physical therapist, goes, this is a problem. This social media shit, this is a big problem. He goes,

The bottom line is not everyone's supposed to be talking.

He goes, you have a few guys talk. He's right about that. You have a few white guys talk. Few men of German descent who were allowed back into this country because they were good at rockets. You let them talk. He was like, this is going to be a problem. You can't have everybody talking at the same time. This is going to ruin our society. And it's true. But now even my dad is addicted to social media. It gets everybody. But yeah, dude, the gambling, they're all there. See,

I don't know anything about fantasy football. I'm in a fantasy football league. I never play it. Even gambling. That was my dad's only rule because he was such a bad gambler. He was like, I would literally rather you get addicted to heroin than addicted to the spread of the Giants. He was like, I don't even want you to know what those words mean. So when I look at a point spread of all that, I'm the guy who you would think might know all that. I don't know any of it because that was literal card games. So your dad...

Your dad was also a gambler. He ran... I think that's what ruined his marriage to my mother. Interesting, interesting. He gambled. He gambled. My mom said the very, very last straw was when he... You know, she went to, like, the bank to, like, whatever, like, look at her savings or take out money. And they had what she thought was going to be, like, 10 grand. She had, like, 1,000 bucks in there. And he was like, what the hell? She's like, oh, your husband withdrew $9,000 or something, whatever the number was. Yeah. And then...

obviously she confronted him and he was like no no he goes it syracuse is a lock tonight it's all coming back we're going to the bahamas well that's what he said he goes i had to take half of it yeah i had to take half of it because i did he's like i did lose yeah because i know it's a disgrace to my family i did i did lose but he did but he told my mom my mom like you know because she doesn't know sports or whatever

you know, we're from New York. She goes, he goes, I put the rest of it. He goes, I got it on the Montreal Expos. To stay elite. I bet that they would never leave Montreal. It's a sure thing. He says, I got a lock. He said, supposedly, it's like a young Pedro Martinez. He had an in on a lock on a something with Pedro Martinez. I forgot winning, losing. I don't know. But of course, they lost. Yeah.

And then he had nothing. And then my mom, and that was like the last straw. And then like a week later, you know, she was like, I got to divorce him, whatever. Somebody called the house and was like, hey, if this guy doesn't give me my money, I'm going to fucking hurt you. And I'm going to, and I know you have a newborn son and I'm going to hurt him. So my mom, my mom escaped with me. We went to the Amish country. Oh my God.

Like Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I was just eating fucking chupacabra pies. You were on the lam as a fucking six-month-old? Yeah. They changed my name to Zechariah. I was just sitting there churning butter. And so gambling. Oh, my God. Really? Holy shit. Yeah, but it's crazy. So they ruined. He knew that gambling was ruining his life. On the day that I was born, I was born August 26, 1984, he wrote me a letter.

He wrote this letter. He was like, hey, the letter was something like, I love you, my son. He was like, things with me and your mother are not working out. He's like, I promise you I'll be in your life. I probably won't be married to your mother, but I'll be in your life. I will be in your life so long as the under hits with the Panthers and Oilers are playing. And as long as the under hits, I will still be alive. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, there's a pool going at the office right now on what day your mom and I will actually get divorced. If I hit that, we're going to Disneyland. I'm trying to goad her into divorcing me. Of course, I cannot ever grant the woman a divorce. It has to be her.

But he says, he says, you know, I will give you this letter on the day you become a man. So whatever. And when I graduated graduate school at 25 years old, he gave me this letter that he literally held in perfect condition for 25 years, like written, dated in the 80s, whatever. Beautiful, beautiful letter. And then I lost it a week later. Yeah.

I had it in this tin jar in my room, and then one of my roommates at the time threw that tin jar away because he thought it was like another... I don't know why he threw it away, but he threw it away. That's so fucking... And I just immediately lost it. The most emotional your father probably will ever be in his life. Yeah. The most communicative and open and like...

honest with his feelings and it's gone. Dude, the only time I ever saw my dad cry, I saw him cry twice, when Mickey Mantle died, his Yankees hero, and then believe it or not, when Whitney Houston died. That's fucking awesome. We love Whitney Houston so much. She's got bangers. She's incredible. And he was like, it just reminds me of you when you were a baby. Whitney Houston did? Yeah, he was like, we always play Whitney Houston for you when you were a baby. I was like, thanks for making me gay. Yeah.

Wow, that's fucking, damn, that's fucking crazy, dude. Yeah, man. Fuck, I had something and I should have. Oh, by the way, dude, I want to say, I saw we went to your home in Baltimore. Yeah, she came to Baltimore. What a beautiful, beautiful home. Thank you. And I told Savi, I said, you know, I was in there thinking like, oh my God, the amount of pussy he must get in this house because it's just such a beautiful home. But of course, like I didn't say that. Sure, you were there with your girl. We were having a lovely time. And then as soon as we got in the car, which I parked a block away from his house,

As soon as we got in the car, she goes, were you just thinking about all the pussy you must get in that house? I was like, no. She was like, yes, you are.

And then she said to me, she goes, Chris, if you want that life, then go live that life. Wow. I thought we were having a great afternoon. I was like, what do you mean? He was just making us salmon and broccoli. We were talking about fun stuff. He had nice water for us. Yeah, the beverage center, of course. Yeah, dude. Love the beverage center and the fridge. You gave us some nice restaurant recommendations. What a time. Baltimore, dude. A lot of people want to get summer homes in Florida or whatever. Not me. I'm telling you, for me,

and my girl family said this, we're going to Baltimore. Dude, we love Baltimore. Do you understand how happy it would make me if we just fucking were neighbors in Baltimore? Could you imagine? Come on, baby. The new Austin, Baltimore. We got the comedy mothership at Falls Point. Yeah, we got the comedy brothership. And it's black aliens. Yeah.

That's fucking awesome. Shout it out. Fuck, I had something I wanted to ask you about your dad, but it just slipped through my... It slipped, you know, I'm trying to intermittent fast, and this is my first round of podcast intermittent fasting. Really? How many hours are you at right now? Not eating. At least, what are we at? Like 13, 14, something like that? You stopped eating. What time is it? It's...

About 10, 11 a.m. I'm going to eat as soon as we're done podcasting here. Salmon and broccoli? Salmon and broccoli. Got to do it. I got salmon and broccoli meal prepped. I'm going to hit the fucking Iron Paradise. Then I got a couple more pods. How many... How...

Have you cheated yet on this salmon and broccoli hardcore diet? Well, first weekend on the road, definitely. I was better than I have been, but it wasn't even the weekend because I feel like we ate okay in Rhode Island. It was when we went to Maine to get some naked pictures. We got a cabin. I'll show you some. Maine's great, and we did some great fall pics. It was beautiful, and we're in this little town in like...

There's no restaurants. There's no vegetables. There's no nothing. And the Airbnb we're at, we're like, you have to go to this burger place. It's right there. And I'm like, all right, burger. Maybe they have a grilled chicken sandwich.

I walk through that door, man, and it's like, fuck. And then there's a diner. We got up at 5.30 a.m. to catch the sunrise, right? So we're tired, we're, you know, whatever. And then it's like, I'm not, this country wood panel diner. And by the way, food sucked. It was mid, it sucked dick. If I made the eggs, they would have been better. But it's like, you know, we order, my friend tries to order blueberry. He tries to order, he orders, he thinks he orders some English muffin.

But I can tell the guy thinks he means like a regular muffin. And then he orders pancakes as well. And he says blueberry. And then the guy, I can tell the guy's like, oh, he must want blueberry muffin and blueberry pancakes. That's wild. And I'm the only one who clocks this, but I don't stop it. Because I'm already in there. And I'm like, there's going to be an extra muffin. I'm going to have some. Eldest gets chocolate chip pancakes. In my head, I'm like, between a bite of Eldest's, a bite of his, and the extra muffin, I'm

I'm in hog heaven here. That's right. And I fucked up my... You know, I didn't intermittent fast that day because it was like 9 a.m. Right. And then we get... It's literally like diner breakfast. Yeah. Work, burgers with wings. Yeah. And it was like... And I felt...

It was like just doing a little nip of heroin for sure. Luckily, it fucked both me and Eldis' asses up. Good. And so it was like penance from the Lord. But, you know... Sometimes with the fast... And then the Orioles, I threw the fucking... Threw the first pitch out. Oh, threw the first pitch. That's awesome. So I'm at the ballpark eating fucking, you know, five hot dogs. Oh, of course. And shitty ballpark chicken tenders. Yeah. But, of course, when you're in that zone, now, we're rebuilding. Right. I'm here for a week...

I can see my life. Finally got my tire schedule. We're starting to shoot tires. So it's like, I can see how things are going. And like today, I normally would just do podcasts all day, but I was like, in one of the podcast slots, I'm going to the gym. So usually I would be like, I would plan out as many podcasts as I can, but not today, baby. No. Got Chrissy. You came in, I knew you're an early bird, so I'm like-

Going to Chrissy for 10. Germans. Yeah. Efficient. Efficient. By the way. I've been up redrawing the maps of America since 6 a.m. Like, this is where we have this group. You keep trying to contact the German army and they're like, we are not Nazis anymore. Please stop emailing us. I did my daily 5 a.m. reading on eugenics and what's going on in the world.

It is fucking insane how many people are just fascist and allowed to just be. I mean, it's getting a little fucking scary out there right now. But that's why you're hitting the gym, dude. You're fighting back. That's true. You're fighting back with salmon and broccoli. I'm ready to go, dude. I'm ready to go. But you gotta throw a little tzatziki on it. Do you Greek it up a little bit, the salmon and broccoli? Not the salmon and broccoli. In fact, what I do is get a little Asian zing going in there. I'll get a little broccoli teriyaki, a little miso glaze sometimes. And you use it too now. You're in with this, the eating, Elvis.

Maybe not as hardcore as Stavis, but I feel like I've been on a pretty good trend the last few months. Eldest when we parted last...

I feel like you went on a little bit of a little bender there. Your eating got a little out of control for a second. When I'm on the road, too, it's so busy. I feel like I'm entitled to just eat fucking shit. I know. We have to change that from our heads, man. That's the only salvation. Yesterday on the drive back, we literally Googled healthy. We were driving through Worcester. It's a college town. And we were like, a college town will have a fucking healthy place. We stopped. We got salads. We got here. I cooked the broccoli. It wasn't bad.

But it was like, we really have to change our, we have to reproach. And it was good. That's why I'm like, that's why I didn't go straight from the time off to the tour, which I did last time. Right. Because I went on the straight tour, wrecked everything immediately. This is like, you do one weekend. Right.

You test out the waters. You see where you fucked up. And I'll probably add another weekend next week. But I'm going to take a week of at home, clean eating, working out. So I'm going to just try and work my way up. Well, also, I mean, the bodies are so smart. If you just intermittent fast and do the same, then your body stops growing. Sometimes when you throw a shitload of calories into it.

And I knew that. It's like, oh, body's like, oh, wait, wait, no. They think they know what's coming. They're like, oh, no, no, no. We were wrong. Let's keep cutting fat. And we kept a guess in this weekend. Oh, yeah, dude. My body was very confused this weekend. Oh, yeah, dude. Dude, I do that too. I mean, we all... We all do it. The thing is, it's like in pot... Do you know how many times, like, this...

Yesterday, I haven't eaten yet, but like, I mean, even today, I'm going to go to one of these Astoria delis. Yeah. I'm going to get one of these bacon, egg, and cheeses, and then I'm going to go to one of these bakers, and I'm going to get a toasted fucking chocolate chip muffin with butter, because you mentioned chocolate chip pancakes, you mentioned muffins, now it's in my head.

And I already worked out this morning, but maybe I'll go for a walk again. And I'll say to myself, just have a grilled chicken salad for lunch and balance that out. Yeah. And I won't do that. Or maybe I will. And then, you know, I'll get into a fight with Jazz. And I'll be like, now I'm having five slices of pizza. And you just live life. You know, you can't. You come home. That old lady's on your couch. Jazz takes off the...

Or it's your daughter, actually, because she's so small. She's taught your daughter to fucking... She takes off the fucking Mrs. Doubtfire makeup. She's like, Daddy, why did you say that? Why were you trying to fuck that lady? Dude, my daughter's so funny. My daughter, we were together. She really is, by the way. I remember just like when you... Even like as a three-year-old, you would just like either have her around or the stuff you would post. And it's like, this kid is hilarious. Well, it's interesting.

because we were talking about before that's when when i was i would post her all the time not even understanding yet because most of us didn't even understand oh wait no this is not she didn't consent to this this is like out there forever i'm not doing that so i don't post though i have a private instagram now like a family that's just like photo album for sure and we'll post pictures and videos there but only people for your family only people who we've allowed to follow it our family members so like that's fine but i was like i'm not posting yeah my kids anymore but

She's funny because she just knows. The other day we were walking and this woman wanted to take a picture with me very quick. She was like, oh, she even said, she was like, oh, my boyfriend's a fan, but my little girl's not listening, whatever. And I take this picture and she was hot, this girl. And then Delilah just straight up says to me, she goes,

If you buy me, she wants, you know those viral Dubai chocolates? Do you see the Dubai chocolate? It's like this viral chocolate. They only are at the Nuts Factory. They only sell them at once at the Nuts Factory, and there's a Nuts Factory not too far from where I live. She's like, if you take me to the Nuts Factory and buy one of these Dubai chocolates, I won't tell mom you took a picture with a smoke show. Because she hears that word smoke show all the time, so she knows what I mean. She's like, I won't tell mom you took a picture with a smoke show.

And I'm like, all right, all right, I got it. Do you get it? She takes a bite of the Dubai chocolate and she's like, Saudi Arabia had nothing to do with 9-11. LAUGHTER

But then I said to my daughter, I was like, honey, but you know, like whatever, Danny, you know, like I put my comedy out there. It's just like, I was like, they, you know, and she was like, and I was like, you know, just because I take a picture with a pretty girl doesn't mean anything. She goes, you think mom thinks like that? Oh, she's like, hey, I know pal, but that's not how the world works. She's like a grizzled cop that's like, look, you didn't have a warrant. You might've been right, but the judge doesn't even care. Yeah, my God.

My daughter's sitting there with one of those candy cigarettes in her hand. She's like, tell it to the judge now. I'm just doing my job, chief. I'm just here to put Dubai chocolates on my table. Then she skates away in one of those wheelie sneakers. That's so fucking funny. All right, man. Well, let's take some of this fatherly advice. Let's get the people going. Anything you want to plug here?

Oh, yeah, dude. YouTube.com slash Christy Comedy. Every Sunday I got a new stand-up out there and ChristyComedy.com back on the road doing comedy clubs, working on new material. Love it. So come, it's fun. And then I'm attempting something which might be the stupidest idea of all time. I always felt guilty doing meet and greets because I just felt like I was taking their money for a picture which I would do for free. So now I've got the meet and greets back.

But what I'm doing is a lot... After the show, I'm doing a mini 20-minute podcast that will go on my Patreon with the meet-and-greet fans. And then I'm going to take a picture with them. One of the worst ideas I've ever heard in my life. It is truly a dumb idea.

but I'm going to try it out. So if you're listening to this, go buy those tickets because you might be at the only one I actually do. That's true. Get them now. I promise you, this is not going to last, folks. It was a ridiculously dumb idea.

And I put it on sale to try to make extra money because I thought I was buying a house and I was going to have no cash. And then the house fell through and I'm back to renting and I don't want to do any work. So I'm just being honest with you, but christycomedy.com. And you know what? I should, I haven't, I don't know why the fuck I don't plug shit on my own podcast, but we have a Thanksgiving show. If you're in Baltimore right now, uh,

the home for the holidays. I'm trying to make this an annual tradition. This is our first one. Uh, it might be, this is the first one is after Thanksgiving, uh, November 29th and 30th, Friday and Saturday come. We might have working on some surprise guests. I, it's not going to just be me. It's going to be some friends, maybe from New York, maybe people in town from, for the holidays, who knows. Uh, but it's going to be a very fun time. Nothing that I did on the special. And then of course, uh,

October 25th in theaters, select theaters, not, you know, it ain't no, it ain't a fucking wide release, but,

a couple art house places in like five cities will be playing it. If you live there, please go see Let's Start a Cult, the movie that I wrote with some friends I'm starring in, and I can't believe they let me do a movie. It's just a low-budget, fun comedy, a lot of dumb jokes. Go see it. I think you're going to love it. If you like this stupid fucking podcast, you'll at least get a couple laughs out of the movie. I can promise you that.

Folks, I am thrilled to tell you about our newest sponsor, Harry's Razor. It's rare that we get a sponsor that we've actually been using for years. We're, you know, we're trying to make a buck, baby, okay? I'm gonna be honest with you. Some of this fucking shit, I don't know from Adam, but Harry's Razors, holy fuck. Me and Elvis have both been loyal Harry's customers for years. I used their blades recently, in fact.

I've had to be silky smooth for a couple roles, a couple film and television roles. They needed me baby-faced except for my mustache. I use Harry's razors to get silky smooth, baby. They have, that's German engineering, just like our friend Chris here. They got German engineered blades made in their own factory that stay sharper longer,

Eldis has been using in those luscious locks. They're not just razors, by the way. What do you use in that hair every day, Eldis? I got to indulge in some vanity, even though I'm in the producer's chair too, man. Don't get it fucked up. I know. I use their texturizing putty. I legit use that like religiously. Every day I've used Eldis' texturizing putty myself on the road. I'm not, you know, I need to get more into hair care products. Now that we got Harry's on board, maybe I'll look into it. But I have used his...

when I've needed to tame down my beautiful mane. We love Harry's. We know you are going to love Harry's too. They're not just great quality. They're a great bargain. Get the shaving products that always deliver. Get Harry's. Get started with a $13 trial set for just $3 at harrys.com. That's harrys.com for a $3 trial set. You're not going to beat that, folks. All right. Let's get to some questions here, LD.

What's up, stuff? Not playing. Big fan of the show. Hello, 34-year-old. What's up, stuff? There you go. Big fan of the show. Hello, 34-year-old. Nice. 1989, baby. I tried this question before, but I rambled on for too long, so I'll try to make it quick this time. I have a lifelong friend who was a little awkward with women our whole life growing up. I've known him for 20 years.

He finally settled down with someone a few years ago. Nice. They got married. And I went to their wedding. It was the height of COVID. It was crazy. But here's the deal. Basically, a week after their wedding, she revealed to him that she believed that she might be Holly. And this was not...

Something that they had ever discussed. Before anything else, this will never work. No. This will never work. What does poly mean again? Polyamorous. She just wants to fuck other people. Okay, so that's men and women, though. She'll fuck anybody polyamorous? It depends. No, polyamorous just means you can have multiple relationships. I think they tend probably to be a little more sexually open, but not necessarily. Got it. This could just be as simple as a lady wants to fuck other guys, and she didn't tell a guy until she married him. But...

Let's listen to the... I think that's what it is, but let's just listen to the whole... By the way, he might be talking to the 90-year-old woman outside the coffee shop. The patron saint of cheating. I love this lady. That's only for the Italian Catholic Church. Does that exist? It's not worldwide, but it's specific. All right, let's finish this up here. Never discussed...

In the years they were together. That's insane. They were together for four years. Oh my god, what?! And so it threw a wrench in things, obviously. Oh, you see, a wrench. He was kind of having this emotional affair with this guy who lived long distance. Anyway, his marriage immediately fell apart. Of course. So, lasted about literally a calendar week. And...

Now it's been about four years since that all went down. And my guy has sort of become valsal. Valsal, you say, huh? He claims that he's fine. Doesn't, you know, need that. Has sworn off women and dating. I've tried to encourage him to make an online profile and meet people. But he's just kind of like, no, I'm out of the game. And I guess my question is,

Should I leave this guy alone and just let him live his life? Or should I try to continue to get him to, like, put himself out there? He says he's fine, but I know there's a tinge of sadness there. I think there's a tinge of it. Anyway, thanks, Dov. Love to hear what you have to say.

But you have to say, thank you. Oh my fucking God, this poor guy. What did he say? He's VolVol? VolCell. What does that mean? Voluntary celibate. Ah. It's related to incel. Got it. So like incel, involuntarily celibate. You can't get pussy. VolCell.

You don't want to fuck. Got it. And there's femme cells, of course, who... It's women that... It's unclear if they're in cells or vol cells. Okay. But we're talking now of this guy who's basically...

He's sworn off pussy. He's sworn off pussy, to put it in plain terms here. Because his wife was... His girl was Polly. Because he... And look, this woman is a fucking piece of shit. Let's just put... Absolutely. It's insane to string somebody along...

want clearly she wanted a wedding by the way it's the height of covid so this knows she's gonna drop the hey and by the way you think it was just an emotional affair yeah you think this wasn't also cheating on him are we out of our minds here what are we talking about so she strings this guy along for four years wants a wedding not only ruins him but it's like at the height of covet it's like

You might have killed a grandma here to fucking have a big cake that you know you're not going to give a fuck about in two weeks. This lady's a fucking piece of shit, and it sucks. This guy really did...

This is the kind of thing where you understand why someone might have reacted this way. Right. Right. Like this is so catastrophic. And especially if he's a guy who's already kind of awkward to begin with. Yeah. You can see how this would absolutely destroy him. And so but he says it's been about four years.

That's a little too long. Too long. But I guess, but the guys, because I understand all that, but the guy's friend who called in is like, how much does he try to get this guy out there and start fucking? I mean, honestly, dude, I think what you start with is you get, I mean, the obvious answer is you pay for an escort to come to his house. No, just to get the first, it's like T-ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what the players do. You're in a slump. You just start hitting the ball off the tee. Just pay for it. Get it in.

The problem is... Like the shark from Finding Nemo. He's got to smell a little blood in the water to remember who he is. Yes. You know what I mean? Right now, he's Valsal, but if he gets a little droplet of pussy juice on his tongue, it might change. Give him a taste. That's what I think you should do, but I also do think, yeah, you are... I mean, this guy... It's also, too, kind of like...

you don't know how to find a push because if the guy, the friend is like, dude, if I don't want to fuck, why are you trying to get me to fuck? I don't want to fuck. And there is, look, there is a possibility that this guy, you said he was always awkward with women. Maybe he, I mean, asexual people exist, right? Sure. There's probably not that many of them. Probably some of it is like,

I think, you know, but it's a possibility. Some people feel fine not having that level of intimacy. Maybe in hindsight, was he awkward with girls or did he just feel like... Because...

It's clear to us when a gay guy is trying to be straight, but what if a guy who has no interest in pussy is trying to be straight? Yeah. You know what I mean? He could have been faking it and that's why it came off as awkward. He could have been strung along maybe because he had such little emotional needs or sexual needs in a relationship. Yeah.

he didn't even pick up on the fact that this lady was fucking shitting him or something. Dude, and it's also, he might, you don't know what he's doing in the privacy of his own home. He might have the VR goggles, that Odyssey, he's got the auto blow. If that's the case, that's a problem, actually. I mean, maybe, but to him, he's like, you know what? This is better than getting my heart broken. I got the auto blow going. I got the VR turned up. What I'm saying is, if he does, if he, and this is like, I don't, you know, I'm saying this is a pretty low percentage chance.

If he's just legitimately an asexual person who... I don't know much about it. I guess it's a possibility. But I could see it. I mean, you know people who are sort of monk-like, whatever. If he legitimately does not have these urges and maybe he... You know, whatever. This is something. Maybe lay off. My hunch is that's not the case. If he's got the auto blow going, you absolutely got to get him pussy. He cannot be that because then...

This is all because if he really does want intimacy, but he just doesn't want to get his heart broken again, it's just this. He's living a fucked up, stunted life. It's the same as it's the same as like anybody who has some kind of problem. I mean, this is interesting. It's weird because I want to equate it to.

but he's not really, he's addicted to not risking anything, I guess. And if you look at it that way, any friend with it, like, look, I think of it to myself, right? I know there were people in my life last year who were just like real nervous about how fat I was getting and how many drugs I was doing, right? I could feel the vibes sometimes. I was on the group chats being like, do you want to be involved? I was getting Facebook invites to Stav's intervention. Yeah.

At fucking Magoobies. I was like, I don't want to necessarily go down to Timonium, Maryland, but I'll zoom in. So having been a guy who I could tell the people around me were fucking, it's like, I just needed people to meet me where I was to understand that I knew, I didn't need people to tell me what was going on. I just needed like, you know, I needed like support when it came, like when I was ready to change, when I was ready to do change, like,

Understand that, work with my schedule, whatever. But it would not have worked for me, people being fucking...

I'm not the kind of guy who if you're like, what the fuck are you doing, you fucking fat piece of shit? That would not have worked on me. That's not who I am. I had people who helped me. I had friends who when I was starting, we would go. I had a buddy who we would work out together or we would take walks together. I had a friend who helped me set up my treadmill, my sauna. That's the kind of shit that helped me. Slow, meet me where I'm at.

With this guy, you know, I don't know if hiring a fucking high-end escort to knock on his door is the way to go. Just say it's an option. It's definitely an option, and I would keep it in mind. But I think it's, he's starting, he doesn't want to meet women at all, right? He seems to have withdrawn kind of generally from,

can you get him out of his shell socially in general? Can we start there? Can we get him to just fucking go out a little bit, do some stuff? Do your guy's version of a freak off. Yeah. You know what I mean? Of a daily freak off, whatever that is. Just have fun, get the ball rolling, have sex, don't have sex, use the lube, don't use the lube. Totally, totally. Just having fun. Have fun. And he says he's fine, but it's like, you're saying you want him to put himself out there. Maybe it's not directly dating. Maybe it's,

go out and have fucking a group dinner with some friends, right? Go out, have them just...

talk to a woman in a friendly manner, understand like, oh, this is something I want in my... Just even like a nice conversation with someone you're not to become the old lady, just have a conversation, right? With no expectations, right? If he's really, truly happy being Valsel, then he can have friendships with women, right? But I think my hunch is like,

That's not true. But you have to slowly get him out of his shell. If he's completely isolated himself, it's going to take a while. It's four years. It's going to take a while to slowly get him back out there. But I wouldn't immediately...

bump into the like, let's get you dating, let's get you pussy. Just get him out of his shell a little bit in general. Make him a little more confident. What kind of guy is he? Does he have, for example, he could probably, I'm guessing he's maybe, has he let himself go a little bit because he's not worried about getting pussy? Like, can you help him dress better? Can you help him work out? Can you become workout buddies? I've always said,

Whenever you're feeling low, you want to pick something and just start getting better at it. Yeah. Working out is always a very, is an easy one because it's two birds, one stone. Yeah. You're helping yourself feel better. You're looking better and you're seeing, oh, I'm getting stronger. You're seeing like that feels cool. So can you just rebuild his confidence in a general way and slow play the whole thing?

you know, dating angle and then maybe be like, hey man, just kind of fold it in. It's hard, right? Because that's the other thing. This is a hard undertaking. Yes. Getting somebody out of this level of isolation is not going to be easy and it's also okay if you're like, fuck, this is going to be a lot of work and maybe you're not capable of putting together this like fucking 10 year plan to get your boy getting pussy again, but

I just try and get his confidence up in general. And I think that can kind of lead into this stuff. And then, dude, he might get to the point where he's like, you know what?

Maybe the prostitute thing is on the table. He might get to the point where he does all this, and then he might just look you in the eye and be like, I'm gay. Oh, I've been getting my ass fucked. I said I wasn't having sex with women, but I've been getting wrecked, dude. Oh, yeah, my proctologist told me I have about a year left. We're going to need reconstructive surgery. So, yeah, dude, this is... I mean...

Don't overdo it. Don't hit him over the head. Because like I said, when I was struggling with something, I hated when somebody tried to do that, to be super abrupt with me. And for some people it works. This guy doesn't sound like... This guy sounds avoidant, right? Because this broke his heart so he completely... It's going to be a slow play with this guy. And I wouldn't leave him alone if you really... But just be... Really just...

engaging with him on his terms and maybe slowly getting him out of his comfort zone in non-sexual ways first and then, or non-romantic ways and then, you know, and then build up to it. But, you know, I feel for him. This lady's a fucking piece of shit. She is. I hope her polycule all gets herpes. Oh, that'd be amazing. Yeah.

Which actually is not that bad. Actually, we're pro herpes from people. Sure. I hope they get gonorrhea and it's bad and their pussy gets green. Dude, one of my boys got gonorrhea in his throat.

Wow. Which was nuts. He thought he just had like the worst strep throat ever. And then the doctor was like, you have a sexually transmitted disease on your tonsils. Oh, my God. So then he just took like, you know. Was he deep throating or was he eating pussy? I don't know what he was doing, dude. He went to Jamaica. That's a tough one to be like, no, I'm not gay. And it's like, you have gonorrhea in your throat, brother. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, well, how did that get there? Yeah, dude. It didn't get on your tongue. It skipped right everything else and went right to your throat. Yeah. Pussy don't go that far deep. That's all I know. No clit is getting you in the fucking tonsils, pal. Only a deep throat. You took one off the uvula, buddy.

Maybe if you're a real, if we want to talk freak off, you fuck someone with a dildo and then you throated that. That's as much as I'm willing to give you. That's as straight as I'm willing to go with gonorrhea in the throat. It's funny too because like when the guys, when like the group chat tries to figure it out, like, you know, I have literally my friend who like works for JetBlue. He's got like a third grade education. He's like, nah, the acidity from a pussy would kill the gonorrhea before it got in his mouth.

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which are not approved by or verified for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. What else we got, LD? Hey, Stav. I had a question for you. Been married now since January. My wife is pregnant. Nice. Congrats. And...

I love fighting. Like, I was a fighter. I did, like, Muay Thai and stuff like that. You know, Jiu-Jitsu and stuff. But since I've been married, I haven't really been able to do that. Uh,

Oh boy. Yeah, I mean... That's... Yeah, I'm not a part of it, man. Oh, interesting. Hold on, hold on. You got time to get fucked up at bars.

So you're like, I love my family. My passion is gone. And it's like, I'm either with my wife or getting drunk for six hours a day. And she's just taking this from me. It's like, right off the bat, cut out being at bars and go train. But anyway, let's let him finish, I guess. But that's hilarious.

Like I literally like will be at bars drunk like thinking about like fighting people but I don't want to be one of those like dads that aren't around their kid like a lot you know because I do work a lot I work like 10-12 hour shifts of like construction

But I just want to fight, you know? And I'm just curious what you think. Like, do you think it's worth me going and spending time going to the gym to do what makes me happy? This is awesome, the way he's framing this. You know, figure out another way to cope and just spend more time or all my time with, like, my wife and kids. Because I feel like being happy...

Insane binary he's setting up here. This is hysterical. He's like, now look...

My choices are I fight and I'm happy or my daughter's a whore. I mean, what a fucking idiot. I love you, but you're so dumb, dude. I love it. He's like, I want to go to the bar and I just can't stop thinking about getting beaten up by strangers. I can't stop thinking about beating up a stranger while I'm drunk and whoring.

the fetus in my daughter, in my wife's belly, sucking cock someday because I'm hitting the heavy bag too much. I mean, these should not be your problems, man. Yeah, it's like, what do you want? It's like, I feel bad for your daughter even though you do sound like a nice guy. It's like, your options are either I leave and you become a whore or I stay here with CTE. Yeah.

And by the way, I don't like the sex negativity here, man. You might be around your daughter a bunch and she still might be a freak and there's nothing wrong with that. Yes. As long as she's only doing what she wants to do. Now, he's set up

a clearly false binary here. He clearly wants to, he's setting it up like, like I'm an idiot. And he's like, do I either do what I want and I'm happy and I'm a good dad? Or do I spend all my time with my family and I'm sad and I'm a bad dad?

dad. It's like, that's not how, that's not what life is. You, I mean, you know it better than me. Like you're just from my perspective, there will be sacrifices. Of course you won't be able to train like you want it to train. That's just how it is. Whatever it was that made you happy. Like,

Whatever it is, whatever your pastimes have been, yeah, man, you're having a fucking newborn. You know what this is. Yeah. You're going to have to make some sacrifices. Listen, being a parent too, the one thing I'll say, I got my two biological daughters, a stepson. They...

Some would say he has three kids, but... Exactly. He hasn't married the woman he's with, so, you know. So, you know, one of them didn't come from my nuts per se, but I still do treat them like they did come from my nuts. The man grew up in, you know, German Brooklyn, so... Get schools paid for. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, when you have a kid... The one thing about being a parent is you just live. You live with choices and you live with making a decision that's going to cause internal conflict in your head. You can either, like you're saying, you can either...

spend time all this time with your kid or spend all this time doing jujitsu. What you're doing is you're making things this black and white when being a parent is the definition of living in the gray zone because you should be able and you can do both. You just now, instead of you normally did your jujitsu after work, you might now have to do it before work. You might now have to those times, those hours when you're staying at the bar, of course you have to sacrifice that. But if you still want it, you were used to going out to the bar four or five times a week.

If you want to go out there and do it once a week, that's fine if your family allows it. But you also have the conflict comes in that every decision you make

to not be with your kids is time away from your kids that you have to accept is okay or not. Like I do a lot of these podcasts and stuff while my kids are at school. - Yeah, his daughter's actually in the car right now. She's got the window rolled up. It's not too hot, so she should be okay. - She should be, she's fine. - And he left a dog bowl and some Twizzlers on the passenger seat, she's okay. - You know, like going away for like, you know, we have to work, I have to put food on the table. I have to put good German schnitzel on the table.

So, you know, I'm hunting. I'm old school German. I go in the forest. I hunt elk. I bring it back. I skin it. So I so, you know, but but I don't go away every weekend when there's opportunities there because I'm like, this is too much time away from my kid. Time becomes currency. The one thing with the parent, it should be all in life. But when you really become a parent, time becomes more valuable than money. It's a more valuable currency than money. It's it's it's it's real currency.

So I think, dude, what you're probably, but also you haven't had this baby yet. You're talking right now because the wife's pregnant, right? She doesn't have the baby yet. It's all theoretical right now. So one thing I'll tell you from experience, the mother becomes a mother as soon as she's pregnant with the baby because she can feel it. The father does not become a father until the first time he physically holds that baby. So your opinions about this and all that may change. As soon as you hold that baby, you're like,

Yeah, I don't want to go get beat up by random guys and go drink till three o'clock in the morning. I want to feed my baby. So that might happen. But you got to have to understand, dude, you're going to live for the remainder of your life. Now you live in conflict. When you make a choice, you have to weigh that of how is this affecting my children at every single choice you make. So you'll figure it out when you hold back.

your daughter eventually, you'll think, you'll know what's right and what's wrong. Yeah, absolutely. No, 100%. And it's like, and you, it will become much more real for you. And, you know, it does, this is a little bit of a, I don't want to judge, I haven't been in this predicament, you work hard, I understand that. But it's like, I do think it's coming off a little bit as a guy who hasn't been a father, it's just coming a little off, a little,

immature in this question, right? Where it's like, you know, and I also think you don't sound to me, not to generalize here, as a guy fully in touch with his feelings, right? Like, what is it about fighting you really like? Is that your one release? Do you have anger that you're trying to work out in a healthy manner through fighting? I know it's gay, but should you go to therapy and talk about, like, why fighting is so important to you? Or why...

You're already thinking of making the sacrifice. And there's just because this could I don't think it's here yet. This could grow into resentment towards your wife and kid. Right. And you don't want that. I don't think you want that. I think you're a good guy. And so I think there's fight time.

Time management is going to be key. Understanding you have to make sacrifices when you welcome a child into the world is key. But I also think you should examine these feelings a little bit. What was your upbringing like? Did you ever get to do what you wanted to do in your family? Is having a hobby feel really sacred to you and now you feel like someone's taking that from you? I think there's...

I think there's stuff to understand about yourself here. And I think having a kid is a very good opportunity to do that as well. So, you know,

Or if you want to spend your time. Or why don't you just find your kid? I was just going to. Hit your wife. Yes, dude. This is the age-old construction worker solution to this dilemma. Yes. They like fighting. Bring the UFC gym to the house. Shut it up. Make the baby's room an octagon, a full-size octagon. Yeah, dude. Spar with the baby and the wife, two-on-one. Make it fair. And then it's two birds, one stone. Amazing. And then you get drunk when the kid goes to sleep. Yeah.

Okay, well, we solved that problem easily. Eldest, what do we got, bud? This guy's good. Like, I just imagine his collared flower ears. Hi, Savvy. I've been hooking up with this Greek boy and it's been going off for...

four years on and off. We're both 28. He lives at home, smokes weed, and does landscaping for his job. I just need advice. Is this going to be my forever? Should I cut ties and move on from this guy? I would like to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but four years ago he said he didn't want anything serious and I just assumed that his opinion hasn't changed over the years.

Is this like typical boy behavior or is this like Greek mama's boy behavior? Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Greek mama's boy. What are we throwing out insults? Yeah. You know, these guys, yeah, maybe there's some men who fit this, might have a complicated psychology. They might have issues with commitment. Sure. Yeah.

Okay, well, personal attacks aside, it is pathetic how much I know exactly. I mean, you really did call. We say this a lot. You absolutely called the right show right now. It is. Because I have been in similar situations. In fact, now, there is positives here. There's a situation where

This does work out for you, but there's also a situation... I would put it at 20-80, right? Okay. This guy... Well, first of all, let's understand... Why do you want this fucking guy? He hasn't shown any commitment. And, you know, I smoke weed. I get it. But it's like he's a landscaper. Like...

Does he own the company? Is he a migrant? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he sneak in through Canada? Which is so funny. You want to talk about how we were talking earlier about how immigrants are weirdly conservative sometimes. I knew Greek people growing up who were talking about the border crisis who literally snuck in through Canada. Who were literal illegal immigrants who were talking about how we shouldn't let Mexicans in. I literally knew Greek immigrants

contractors that are taking the jobs that we say Mexicans are taking who were there illegally didn't pay any fucking taxes but anyway is that what kind of guy this is but it's like that's kind of a side thing it's like why do you want this

don't you respect yourself? What's so great about this guy? Now, let's assume something's great about him. Let's just assume you really love him, whatever. He lays it down. You like that little unclipped hog. Yes. And maybe he does... He's got one of those cool tattoos that go around his belly button. It's like a cool word, like serendipity or something. He's got bleach blonde hair. Okay, we're like, Chris is getting hard imagining his perfect guy. So, now, the...

More than likely, I would say, you deserve better than this. It's been four years. Does this guy have any ambition? Whatever. And I would say cut ties. Having said that, knowing what it's like to be, in your words, a Greek mama's boy, also an immature man who... There was a situation where I was dating somebody on again, off again for...

probably like a year and a half, and maybe even two years. And at the beginning of the relationship, I was like, hey, I don't want anything serious. I'm on the road, blah, blah, blah, blah. And as we got to know each other, I did, I had, and then one day out of the blue, and I really liked her, but I was like, well, we had this conversation. She seems cool with it. I'm cool with this. Whenever I'm in town, we have a nice time. We go out, we hang out, whatever. Right.

And then kind of out of the blue, she's like, hey, this was great, but I met somebody who wants to actually, you know. Right. I met somebody, and she was just in a real relationship. And there was never, I never felt like, she never gave me the opportunity to change my mind, which I didn't deserve, by the way. Right. I could have said, hey, because I am liking this, like, let's actually give this a shot. So this guy doesn't deserve it. You clearly want it, though. If that girl had had a conversation with me, like, hey.

I think, like, I think I really need something serious. I just want to check in with you. Yeah. Which, again, she didn't have to do that. I would have liked to do it because I'm an emotionally stunted Greek mama's boy. Right. There's a chance, if this guy's anything like me, that if you're like, hey...

I've had a good time with you, but I need something serious. 24 to 28 really is a pretty serious jump in a person's life. What's acceptable at 24 isn't necessarily acceptable at 28. There's a chance he's feeling this, but he also feels like, hey, if she's cool with it and I'm cool with it, and he, inertia is very powerful. If he tends to be like, I don't want anything serious, it's hard to, and he's not going to be the one that's like, well, let's do this for real. Unless you nudge him. Now, should you? That's up to you.

Now, also, this has happened to me where a girl who I didn't like as much said that to me. And I'm like, oh, well, if that's how you feel, I totally get it. Let's not hang out anymore. Good luck. Firm handshake. Thanks for all the head over the last eight months and good luck out there. That's probably what's going to happen if you bring it up. But if you really care about him and you want to give it a shot,

By all means. Yeah. Communicate, say what you want, but also why, what is, you know? I think also too, you, us as humans, we get locked into something and then chemicals form in our brains that like attract you to this guy. And I'm here to tell you scientifically, if you just drink a lot of water, you're going to get a lot of water.

and you pee more than normal, you will eventually pee these love chemicals you have that are connected to this guy out. And within 21 to 28 days, you will have no love left for this guy. So I literally, I know it sounds crazy to say,

But if you just do that, you will pee the chemicals away. I love that. You just got to break up with them. And then I'm telling you, your brain will change this scenario very quickly. You'd be very surprised how quickly your human brain will get over it. I agree with that, though, too. It's like, so look, you have two. I kind of came at it psychologically. Chris came at it scientifically. You have two very, very good pieces of advice here, and good luck.

And, you know, just going off what I, if you want me to make a value judgment, cut it off. Yeah. But, you know, we gave you other options here. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Let's play a call. Eldridge, how long have we been going, man? I need some salmon, bro. We're at 118. Okay, great. We'll do two more. How's that sound? Yeah, great. Good for you? What do you guys like to do, 90? 90, yeah. I like to do about 90. You know, usually if we had no... I feel like me and you could do a real long episode, no problem. Yeah. On a different day. But we need salmon. But we need salmon. Yeah, we could let it run. We'll come back. We'll do a whole two-hour episode. Hell yeah. All right, hit us, Eldridge.

What's up, Stav and Albanian giant? I'm a 39-year-old guy. Just got divorced from my wife for seven years, with her for ten. We have an awesome six-year-old daughter, and we've kept the bitterness and recrimination to a minimum to try to help the kids through this transition the best we can. We've actually done a pretty good job, and I think it's going about as well as these things can go. My question is actually about...

my buddy, um, I moved out to America's heartland to be with this girl. I'm an East coast liberal elitist and she is, you know, from the buckle of the Bible belt. And, um, I've tried to make friends out here and I'm working on it and I'm doing a pretty good job. But one of my three main bros, um, it's just like, he just went MIA. Like,

We went and got beers back in April. It's September now. And I was like, dude, we're breaking up. Like, da-da-da-da-da. And he was very supportive at beers. And then I haven't seen him since. And, like, I reach out to him pretty regularly. Like, our kids used to do play dates together all the time. He and I would go out and hang out. We actually founded a dad's group together when our kids were babies. Oh, wow.

And I'm like pretty pissed about it. Like if roles were reversed, I would have at least like brought beers over to his new place, gotten some playdates together. I know he's very busy with work, but that was true before I got divorced. The only thing that I can think is that I know him and his wife are having some difficulties. And my intuition tells me that

What's happening with my situation might be threatening or I know that his wife took my ex's side. And so I could see him like not hanging out with me to try to keep the peace with his girl. Yeah.

I don't know. Like, so far, I haven't said anything, haven't done anything. Not sure that I should. Yeah. Because it's like, it's my bro. Like, what do I do? Be like, hey, man, you hurt my feelings. I mean, yes. It feels weird just saying it. But he did. He clearly did. I don't know. I don't know if I should say something and if I should say something. What should it be or should I just...

Let that friendship go and move on and find people that can support me when I need it. Yep. Thanks. Love you guys. Bye. Ah, yes. The age-old dilemma of having feelings as a man and whether you should do anything about it. I love that this guy is like five months divorced and he's like, I just can't get over my bro moving on like this.

How can he just forget about me so easily? Yeah, I mean, it's just been going good with my ex, whatever. It's like, we've kept it pretty good. And then he's like moved to tears about that guy he used to play Xbox with. He's never online. Yeah, I moved to the Midwest. My wife and kids still live back in New York. But man, I moved to be closer to my bro. Yeah.

I think exactly what he said in the voicemail is everything that it is. The bro's wife took your ex-wife's side. She's basically, whatever your opinion is of why this marriage ended, you're like, we're all good. Everything's good. His ex-wife doesn't think so. Especially if they're having issues. The ex-wife has told the bro's wife

The bro's wife, you know, this guy was a dick. I don't like him. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And now your friend can't just be like, wait, hold on. He's not those things you say. Because then your current wife is going to be like, oh, you supported him fucking having an affair at work or whatever. Yeah, I would like to know why they divorced. This is... Because that's...

If this guy, yeah, if this guy had an affair, you're, you're, you're, you're, if you did something bad that is threatening his marriage by, by association, then you're actually being selfish here. Yeah. Like if I think it's cool, but they don't, they're not, they can't hang out with you. Well, but so, so, but I don't, yeah, exactly. I'm not getting the sense that it's something that bad. I'm getting the sense that it's like a regular breakup. There's going to be, there's going to, people take sides in a divorce. That's just unfortunately human. Yeah. Human nature. Yeah.

But I do think you're right here in that you're asking for... I get where you're coming from because it is, as much as I'm making fun of you...

I much prefer the tact of some guy, especially a man. I'm like, all right, well, I'm not friends with him anymore. And then if he ever, now, if he ever wanted to get back, if he ever wanted to like hit you up again, you'd be like, you pretty much abandoned me when I went through my divorce. I told you I felt you completely fell off the face of the earth.

So no, I don't want to fucking, you know, in two years when he's divorced, when this guy gets divorced, by the way, because it's happening, when your friend gets divorced, if he then comes to you,

Then you can air out your grievances, and if he makes an apology, you get to decide if you want this guy to be your friend or whatever. But I know what you're saying, where it's a little weird to be like, hey, man, you hurt my feelings, especially when his life could be complicated by your divorce. There's nothing wrong with doing that, right? The only people that would have a serious...

like that with is my closest friends. I mean, I can't even see a situation where we would get to the point where we would have to air out, air these things out. What happened to us? I mean, that's insane. That's like the fact that we would ever get, I mean, we spend, we spend like four days apart every three months. But like, close,

Jokes aside, we have very close friends we don't see as often that it's like, I could see us get... There's a handful of guys that I would be like, what the fuck, man? You abandoned me during this? You're my guy. Is that guy that level of bro to you? Maybe.

maybe maybe not right i don't know you have to decide that it's also dude people's i go back to the chemistry thing where it's like your friend at one point in your life when your chemistry mixed together whatever may not be your friend in that way 10 years down the road because people's

brains life just changes yeah that's true this whole idea of like if you're my friend since we're kindergarten we got to be friends forever it's like sometimes it happens in your guy's situation that's a beautiful thing but other times it's like but the guy that i was friends with 10 years ago was not that same for sure it's not a bad guy it's just a different guy that i don't vibe with anymore yeah that's fair that's all it is that's absolutely true he doesn't want to go apple picking yeah yeah i do yeah

So yeah, dude, I mean, your intuition is probably right, although at the other hand, you might be making excuses for him. I think...

I think what I would do in this situation is this guy did hurt my feelings. If I were you, I would just be like, this guy kind of hurt my feelings. This guy isn't being a friend to me. Yep. My life's complicated enough. I'm going through a divorce. I'm a fucking single dad. I don't have time to be fucking going to couples counseling with my friend that I got beers with. I'm writing him off. I'm even a little pissed at him, but I'm letting it go because ultimately...

I have bigger fish to fry. And if and when he ever tries to come back into my life, that's when I air these grievances. I don't call him like, hey, man, are you free to talk for a little bit? Out of the blue. Because that's just annoying for you to deal with. But if he wants to, in my opinion, his behavior is kind of taking him out of your life. If he wants back in,

When he's essentially abandoned you during a hard time, that's when you tell him what you feel because otherwise it will fester. And otherwise, then it's your fault for letting it just... Letting a relationship like this where you have unresolved tensions in your life, you don't want that. But for now, I think you're absolutely right. Fuck him.

Write him off. He's a fucking piece of shit and go find other other divorced bros to hang with go get another guy to Drink fucking pale ales in your depressing apartment drink a lot of water 21 days. You'll piss out the chemical Oh This place give us something fun to go out on here little buddy. Hell yeah, stop stop elder. Yeah, I

- What's up, Eric? - Nice. - Okay, good idea.

It just kind of makes me, brings the horny devil out of me. And I start looking at women a lot. About two or three weeks off and just not really watching porn and grounding and trying to stay focused and shit. But I still want to fuck everything that moves. I contact some 28, mixed. Mixed, okay. I don't think either of those matter. There's the eugenics. Chris appreciates that. I'm trying to figure out, is this horniness ever going to go away?

Chris is like, well, you know, you sprung fruit from an unnatural tree is always going to behave unnaturally. Yes. So that's part of it. This isn't your fault. This is your father and mother for engaging in such unholy acts. Yes, if you come to Berlin, we have a treatment for you. All right, let's see what he's got. So we got our 28-year-old horny friend here who's off pornography.

I'm just trying to figure out, is this horniness ever going to go away? Yeah. Because I don't want this to eventually turn into something where my horniness turns into resentment. And I don't believe I would cheat on my wife. So you would. Because I've had really bad experiences with that with my...

Oh, then you absolutely would. Are you kidding me? You've actually cheated on her already. Do you know, I mean, you think you've had bad experience? That means you're not. Either you've become a monk or I got bad news for you. From what you've told us, it's not your fault, but you've psychologically followed in your father's footsteps. Not speaking from experience or anything.

'Cause I've had really bad experiences with that with my dad and watching my dad do that. So, trying to figure out what the fuck I'm supposed to do from here. Love my fiancé to death. I just want this horniness to go away. Or at least maybe divert it. And don't get me wrong, I divert my horniness into my wife as well. Or fiancé, but... Yeah, fuck, man. I don't know, man. Anyways, appreciate the time. Thanks for taking my call if you did.

Yes. I love the podcast. Keep doing your thing. Yeah, well, you know, I don't know, man. Neither of the guys answering this question have any experience with watching your father cheat your whole life and then struggling with that yourself. Yes. So we really can't help you at all. I've been in a relationship with the same woman for 10 years, and I've lived in three different apartments in those 10 years. Yes.

I've been thrown out of the relationship and been forced to sign a one-year contract at a different location from my family three different times in ten years. So I'm...

I'm not the guy who can really tell you what to do. I'm actually looking at a lease right now. Yeah, Chris's advice is get so successful, they sort of have to come back into your life. Yeah, where they kind of can't really go anywhere and you can just do what you want. Yeah. If they want to live in a big, nice apartment, they kind of got to put up with daddy's vacation every three years. Well,

But I make it fun for the kids. I got a playroom. I do think one thing that he said is, is the horniness going to go away? And one thing my father told me, my father's 76 now, he told me this years ago. He goes, you know, when you...

He goes, it doesn't stop. Okay, my brain, he goes, my brain as a guy is the same brain as when I was 25. He goes, but when the girl walks into the video store, when you see her, you say, oh, I could probably bang that girl. He goes, my brain sees her. I said, I could probably bang that girl. He goes, and then I look in the mirror and I realize I'm 65 years old with a dick that doesn't work. But my brain is the same. It'll still, he said, so you just deal with that forever.

for life. So I think his horniness, what I think he's doing, taking steps away from porn is great. It's not jerking off as much. And one thing I heard is to kind of get animalistic with your girl. Like, I know this is crazy, but like smell her armpits, bang her after she showers, get like a mating animal thing. And then your attractiveness and attractor might go up. It's like a real thing that people are doing. Interesting. Just banging dirty ass. Yeah. Try it out. Yeah.

And of course, if that doesn't work, drink a lot of water, pee the chemicals out. As always. Okay, so I think, I know what you're saying about the brain, but I also do feel like

28, he will just get less horny. Sure. Like that, that is one thing I will say. I actually do think you will get less horny. I agree. I'm 40. I'm way less horny than I was. Yeah. I definitely am way less horny at 35 than I was when I was his age. Right. You're a horny motherfucker. I'm a little horny. I am. Yeah. Although it's, you know, I've, I've kind of, you know, now you're horny for salmon. Yeah, I am. You just want to bang Omega three. I want them in my bloodstream. I want good fats in my bloodstream. Um,

I will say, though, the most glaring fucking alarm bell here, and I was joking. I mean, literally, my father cheated on my... And now, look, I haven't cheated in a relationship, but I haven't cheated the way, like, billionaires pay their taxes. Right. Right? Like, technically, I haven't cheated, but it's like...

You know, maybe we didn't have like a specific... We just never talked about it, right? Whenever I've been in a... We are in a committed relationship. I haven't cheated on anybody. But I did struggle with commitment and like, you know... And when things were casual, I would see more than one person. And I do think that's pathological. And I think definitely you have fucking pathological issues, right? Of course. And I do think you saying...

I don't believe I would cheat because I had bad experiences with my dad. I mean, that's just not how human psychology works. If anything, I do think one thing that you can work on is unpacking those feelings and that kind of thing about relationships.

The two big things that therapy, and you know, we're pro-therapy here, but also I say it over and over again. I don't think you should just be in therapy for the sake of being in therapy. There is a little like over-therapization that happens sometimes and people just learn new terms to win arguments. But I went into therapy for a few things. First, it was like I had family guilt. I literally couldn't do stand-up because I felt like I was letting down my family because my whole life they made me feel like I had to save everybody, right? Yeah.

helped me with that. It truly did. I had issues and then just emotionally with my family because there were anger issues. I didn't get along well with my brothers growing up and I had a bad relationship with my dad and an interesting relationship with my mom. It helped me unpack those feelings and I had a really good relationship with everybody but my dad and now even me and my dad are trying to work on it. And then the third thing that it has helped me with and it's been the hardest one actually is

has been relationships because of some similar stuff. Like, yeah, you watch your parents have a bad relationship. It's gonna... And not just my parents, but, you know, Greektown. I don't know anybody that I grew up with whose parents had a good relationship. Legitimately. None of my friends...

There was some issue. I never saw like a happy couple. I straight up never did. That's the majority of people. The reason why you don't see, you see, most of us will say, oh, I see way more unhappy relationships than happy relationships. That's because relationships are the hardest thing that human beings have to try to do. Because it's so difficult to try to just stay with one person when your brain are designed to like spread a seed and

Right. But see, even that, I think part of your belief in that is because you have, like, relationships are difficult because so many of us are fucked up. Right.

Right. And have seen bad relationships. But I think there is a way to think about these things that it doesn't feel like the most difficult thing in the world. If you're with the right one. Well, that's what I... He might not be with the right one. Well, no. Even if he wants to be. I don't know. A little projection here, Chris. But... You know, maybe you don't need somebody who's like fiery. Maybe somebody that just supports you and doesn't always yell at you. Maybe you want like a substitute teacher who lives on Long Island who just fucking wants to make you sauce and let you watch the giant game and give you a blowjob. Yeah.

And not tell you to take the dishes out. But I guess my point is, it's, I'm not there yet. I am still really working on my... Smart. On my issues. And like, but I have made a lot of progress from where I would feel like this, you know, and he seems to have passed that. He seems to have passed the, you know, he's with somebody, it's a fiance, he's been able to like, to commit. Now you're dealing with like compulsive sexual stuff. And it's like, I think because...

because you watched somebody cheat and because that's kind of like in the back of your head, it's rattling around. It's possible that these are things that therapy might be able to help because it sounds like you have a little something more general horniness that every guy goes through.

Even a big lug like Eldis sees a bitch at a gas station and says, boy, I'd like to fuck her in the back of this rental Nissan Murano. Dude, even gay guys, Matteo Lane will see a chick like, I'd love to fuck her. It doesn't matter. We're guys. We want to bang chicks. Even if you only bang dudes. So I think that's something you probably would be able to handle in a nice, committed relationship. Whatever, you're relatively young, it'll go away.

I think because of the dad stuff and because cheating is something that has an emotional resonance with you, it's worth going to therapy to talk about those things in particular. Say, I love this woman really so much.

I'm so happy. I never considered myself somebody that would cheat, but now I'm feeling like extra sexual arousal, and I'm just worried that it might be connected in some way with these issues in my childhood. And I think they might be, dude. And so...

Try that out. Other than that, yes, you'll get... You probably will get a little less horny. Whatever. Try Chris's smell some armpits thing. I mean, this man is really scraping the bottom of the barrel to stay in his relationship over here. Get animalistic, dude. But try... Try whatever it takes. But I think just... I'm glad you kind of put that aside in there because he could have put this call in and not mentioned that at all. And I think we would have missed a key part because...

It just feels a little too much of a coincidence if you come from a place where your dad cheated and you watch that. And now that you're, by the way, maybe you're in, are you hornier now when you actually have somebody worth losing, like that you don't want to lose? Because that's fucking compulsion, dude. So anyway, I don't know. We don't have enough. This is just a hunch.

But give it a whirl, buddy. Yeah. And, you know, we're happy for you. We're happy that you found a fiance and don't, you know, fuck some rando that you don't care about and lose everything. Right.

I'll just cheering monogamy. Yes. As the only married man, but no kids, but the only married one on the podcast right now. I have three kids and I'm like, it's still not serious enough for marriage. We're taking baby steps. I might leave a toothbrush at her place soon. All right. Is that was that the last one?

Yeah. Love it. Chrissy D, thank you so much for coming, buddy. This was so fun. It's always so fun. Come back. We'd love to have you. I'll probably need a place to stay. Yeah, you can sleep right there. Thank you. You wake up, we'll do a pod. Amazing. We're going to get a full... If you need that, we'll get a full that one, buddy. That's what it is.

Yeah, watch Chris's YouTube. He's putting out a new stand-up out there. Watch the pods. Listen to the pods. Go see Let's Start a Cult in theaters. And if you're in Baltimore, come see me at The Lyric. And we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye.