#97 - Paul Scheer
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Welcome, everybody, to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We're pumped. We got Paul Scheer on the couch, dude. Thank you for coming, dude. We're huge fans. Big fans. I am a big fan of yours. I'm excited to be in the apartment. Thank you. Yes. And I think I have, and people don't realize this, but I have the best view of this. Of Fat David. Yeah. Yeah. His cheeks are out. Everyone doesn't know. It's not, it exists in the back. Yeah. Yeah.

I went to Italy a handful of years ago. I say recently because I have kids and everything is out of the box. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Within a decade. With kids and COVID, I'm like, I don't know, was it six months or five years? Yeah, yeah. But what I was amazed at is when you do look at these sculptures, everyone is rocking. We're seeing abs. We're seeing ass. They're awesome. We're seeing ball sack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're everyday.

The detail in Nuts is crazy. It really is. Like, you see a little vein. You see a little... It's insane. I mean, it really is. It's like, I'm impressed. And God bless our sculpture artists. And we should be getting back to that. Let's get back to it. A ripple. I love seeing, like, this... You know where we could...

our society could compete with these greats? Wet t-shirt contest. Because then the ripple of the wet t-shirt, they didn't have that shit. Ancient Rome had never created that. Yeah, it's something. Someone's getting wine on themselves. You're probably right. You're right. They just didn't know how to capture it. They didn't know how to capture it. And that's, have they ever had, have we ever had like a rock hard nipple underneath a wet tunic? I don't think so. I mean, that's what we need. By the way, there's one artist didn't get any respect. Yeah.

a bunch of people in tunics on the back of like a chariot like hauling ass you know I want to see dick print in a tunic until we see that we can we have a chance to to compete with the with the great masters so for our sculptor listeners out there our sculptor viewers get sculpted show us

Good taint. Show us good nip. Show us a nice dick outline. Yes. Outline. Maybe only half of it. Maybe half the print. I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. You do it your way. Yeah.

Thanks for coming, man. Yeah, like I said, we, I mean, you know, fans since the Human Giant days, the League, all that stuff, for real. So super, super pumped to have you here. Read the book. Oh, wow. Listen to the book. That's great. That counts as reading. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do a lot of listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's true. It's like, honestly, like, why are we holding ourselves to this higher standard? Totally. Yeah. So you listen. Especially no disrespect. It ain't Ulysses.

You know what I mean? It's fun. But even if it is, it's like, I listen to it. This is our world is old tradition. We didn't like, you know, we're sitting around a fire. You're right. Homer, wow. We're really sucking off the Greek age right now.

Between the oral tradition and sculptors? Hell yeah, dude. But no, I also, I tried to make that book fun too because I love audio books and I listen to it. I'm like, I'll try to add different stuff too and make it more fun. It's cool when it's somebody who's entertaining that's doing it. Trying to make it like, they treat it like a show or like a thing, like a performance. It should be either you or like, do it the opposite where it's like way too stately. You get like Ian McKellen, you know what I mean? Brian Cox reading it. Yeah.

You're not like me. Oh, man. And then I went to Times Square and watched pornography. I cheated a lot. Well, I didn't cheat a lot, but I would. On your wife? My wife. Are these cameras on? Oh, no. Oh, no.

When I was in NYU, I was a communications major, which really shows I really cared about what I was studying. You're talking to a political science and media major over here. See, this is what we're talking about. Never finished my degree. I don't know if you did. I did, but I did quick. I got out in three years. I was like, let's go. Oh, wow.

I was pouring at that point. That's so fucking funny to be like, all right, whatever I got to do to get through this bullshit. Stamp the diploma. So I, one of my projects was, I went to NYU. And so, and it was like, it was, we had to renovate the, or like pitch a new idea on how to do like,

class registration because back then you have to call and then type in your class number it was like that's insane this is like it was right on the cusp of internet like I had internet but no one was like

Like incorporating it in. So what are we talking? You were talking dial-up. Dial-up, it was even like you just call and be like, four, seven, nine, five. No, but I mean internet. We'll get back to your story, but what are we doing? AOL, like AOL's happening. Dial-up is happening. No, I think I plugged in. At NYU, I think I plugged in at that point, but no one was using email. How old were you until you jacked off to the internet, would you say? Oh my God. That's interesting. I would say like,

That's a really interesting question, right? Because I came up in a world where I literally found a penthouse air freshener on the side of the road. Oh, you're checking off to an air freshener? I found a penthouse air freshener. What happens if you get that scent now? It gets hard? Cherries. Cherries.

Make me go crazy. Oh, fuck. Don't put this guy around a Maraschino. This fucking guy can't have a Shirley Temple without jizzing his pants. Oh, man, I go to car washes. That gets so hard. That gets so hard. Evergreen. Evergreen.

Coconut. Oh, fuck, dude. Wow. So we had to pitch this idea. So I had a friend who did a good Christopher Walken impression. And I hired him. I told him, hey, can you record a new voice for the automated system? Yes, yes, yes. And we did it. And...

And then we just, I just lied in class. So actually, I know Christopher Walken. I got him to record this thing. That's incredible. And we did it and we got an A plus in his exam. But it was all like, it was all just because we had like a guy just going like, hey, this is, hit the A. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always feel guilty about that, but it did. That gravitas. That Christopher Walken gravitas. That fake Walken. Thank you. I don't even do a good Christopher Walken. The idea of just do it like it does. It levels you up. You have a little something. Brian Cox, McDonald's. Would be huge.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right? I mean, McDonald's the best spokesman of all time. It's smart. They should have replaced that guy, the child pornography guy, Jared with Brian Cox. Yeah, put him in the big jeans. Yeah, I get it. I used to be fat as shit, but I never made a child give me head.

Maybe, yeah. Maybe not so on the nose for them, but it would be nice to see them in the big jeans. So I love that NYU was just like, yeah, your project is make our system better. It's like you were just doing work for them. It was so weird because that class in particular was a weird class set up. You know, I think back on these things. What was the class even? It was...

Oh, God. I mean, a communications class. So some bullshit title. But the premise of the class was he would give you a personality profile. The teacher was. And then he was going to split up the class and you could have one of four options.

You get put into groups, two projects and one pro and each time you do a project to be a different type of group. So the first group would, or a group would be some, everybody you hate, uh, people that you work well with, but don't get along with. Like, so it's like good work friends, but not friends. Right, right, right. And then one would be, you get along so well, but you get, you don't get anything done. Yeah. And so you never knew what you had. And so when we got to the group of, we get along and we won't get anything done, uh,

I was in there with a, I mean, I remember that there's a girl in that class. I was so attracted to her, but she was also, she smelt like liquor at 10 a.m. all the time. I was like, this is who I want to be with. She's 20, maybe 19, 19, 20. I'm like, this is the best, but we never, nothing ever, you know, but it was still as a guy, she's the coolest. But I realized this is, I'm in the group of the partiers, the fun people and we're not going to do it. And that was like my impetus be like, we're going to, we're going to bust.

We're going to buck this. We're going to beat the nerds. We're going to beat them. We're going to get my friend to record this Christopher Walken thing, and we did it. Oh, wow. We didn't really do any work. Right, right, right. We took that Christopher Walken impression, and people are like, oh, that is work. I love it. That's so funny because I love it because all that also presupposes that your teacher's dumb...

codification system even made sense. Right. You know what I mean? It's like, it's like, what the fuck does he know? It's like so college and wonderful, but it's like also dumb as day. What am I learning from this? I got like, like nothing. I'm not, it's him. He's doing the experiment. Of course. He's just fucking around. He's trying to get through. He didn't give a fuck. He's a communications professor. That's it. I mean,

What was NYU like at the time? I remember, because you said, is it true that you literally chose it because Theo Huxtable went to NYU? 100% true. Not a joke, not an exaggeration. Were you like a bad, what were you in school? You were an okay student? I was an okay student, right? Yeah.

but I didn't have any passion like I feel like I was growing up on Long Island and it was like everyone was like I'm gonna be a doctor I'm gonna be a lawyer I'm gonna do this and I wanted to be an actor I wanted to be in comedy I was trying to do that but not really I don't know how to do that I don't have a family that's doing that no one's showing me the way

And I think I was so focused on I want to be this other thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I wasn't thinking about, well, what college is? Like college, you know, my parents are going to pay for me to be an actor. Right. So there like it came time like, well, where do you want to go? And I was like, I don't know.

And they're like, well, you got to pick something. Then I was like, it's so much work to apply to college. Yeah, it is. And I was like, I don't want to do all that. I don't even want to go to college. And then one night I was watching the Cosby show and Theo Huxley was like, dad, I got accepted to NYU. And I was like, that's where I'm going. Yeah.

And I never talked about it. And he went for education, so I went under the education. I was like, I went full Theo Huxtable. That's crazy. For no reason. And they were like, why? And I'm like, hey, Theo did it. But I mean, it's crazy. Also, my parents didn't drill down. They were like, come on. What are you in there for? Why? And you went for education. Did you ever...

It seemed like you wanted to do that. I don't even know what that degree is. You know, I feel like you go to education for four years and then you take another. Yeah. You go to grad school and figure out what you want. While you also teach and shit like that. It's very, it's dumb as hell for sure. You know, it's like, like, and there was not much like, it wasn't like,

It wasn't even communicate literally like come like talking like it wasn't like it wasn't like I was learning like radio or television It was like so bass. Holy shit Paul. You know what time it is. It's time to keep it twisted That's right time to keep it twisted from our friends at twisted tea What a beverage Paul my friend

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Yeah. I had a great time. I went to God In-N-Out in three years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I was touring around because the fun thing about NYU was... Yeah, you're in the city. You're in Manhattan. You're in the city. And I only went to school four days a week because they were off on Fridays. Wow. So I would tour around the country doing this group called Chicago City Limits, which was like a... We were talking right before we started recording about touring. There's no good version of touring. Yeah, touring's bad. But I definitely had the worst version of touring. Yeah.

You know, I was with this like off-Broadway improv show that was very much like a Who's Eyes It Anyway. Like every time a bell rings, we're going to change what we said. And we were doing... You do the arm thing? You do the arm behind thing? We did the professor. So we would all be... We put on a giant suit. Oh, no. So it's like, whatever. It's like, I went to the store. And I bought a...

And at that time, I was like, I'm making art. Fuck you. Look at me. I am the best. I'm in show business, baby. And it would always be like, now we're going to do a scene in Shakespeare. Like, where art thou, 7-Eleven? You'd often do these shows where, and look, I was doing these shows where

And they weren't like nice venues. They were like, look, I went... Yeah, where are we playing? Where's the Chicago City Limits playing? I'm playing a lot of community art centers. Okay. The rec room of them? Did you get into the theater? Yeah.

were in small small theater I remember one play we were in North Carolina one time we did like a song parody and I dressed as a woman in the song parody and they were like you can't come back tomorrow night we had a week long run they were like no men dressing as women you're done oh

And we were like, whoa, I thought North Carolina was progressive. I didn't know her. So we got kicked out of that. Insane, by the way. Sorry. The idea that that corny-ass improv was too dangerous for somebody is so fucking... Me in a wig. Like, singing a song about being Janet Reno, I think. I mean, come on. It wasn't like a sex song. It was like, my pussy and my tits. It was nothing. Nothing.

That's so fucking funny. I was just talking about this a little while ago. We would do a lot of bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs. Oh, okay. Wow. So this is like PG. Oh, yeah. Sometimes, yeah, yeah, yeah. We would always be kind of clean-ish, right? Yeah, yeah. A little wink. But then they would be like, hey, we need a profession, and people would be like, proctologist. And then you'd be like, all right. Here we go. Here's some butt jokes. Here's some good stuff. But we would just do, like, you know, we would just hole up, but...

I didn't know. You're like, how old are you, 19? I'm 19. I'm not drinking. And how old are these people? Everyone else there is all older than me. They're all drinking. They're like, they're doing a whole. Not drinking, but just to be like, I couldn't drink. Of course. So I was much more like the college kid. I liked different stuff. I had different reference points. Are you bunking? Is it like a double tree with two beds? This is what I was going to tell you. Yes. The majority of my life.

I go with the flow. Like you bring me to plays. I'm like, I got it. Yeah. And then only years later do I realize, oh, that was fucked up. Yeah.

Right? Absolutely. You know, I'm getting $150 per show. Not bad. Not bad. Honestly, not bad. Not bad. You know, and then we would be, you know, it was, we'd only be in a minivan all the time. So we're always, not minivan, but a 16 pass. A 16 pass van for your loading in. A sprinter and every seat has a bag or a person in it. Yes, and it's like a piano is like wedged in the back. Yeah.

You know, we're driving our tour managers on the road and you got your Ross Perot wig in there somewhere. I did not have sex with that woman. You know, so doing all this dumb shit, but the worst moment, this is truly like the thing I think back on. There's like moments where,

So I'm in, you know, and we're in like, you said Doubletree. Yeah. I view Doubletree as being a classic. Sure, sure, sure. I feel like we were like in a step up from like a motel to like between, whatever is between those two. Absolutely. I know. Well, I've listened. Paper mats instead of like, yeah, right. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I remember one morning I was bunking with my friend, two, you know, two singles or two doubles, whatever it is. And.

I have never felt this before, but I heard him jerking off. No! Right? And how old is this guy? This guy is older than me. He's like 35, jerking off in the bed. There's a 19-year-old fucking kid. And, you know, it's a sound that you can't unhear, but it's something that's so familiar. Like, I woke up and I heard it, and then I'm, like, frozen. Like, I'm like, what? And then I'm, like, trying to, like, you know, trying to figure out how long do I...

Pretend to be asleep until he finishes. Of course. Oh, and then you got to hear, and then you got to pray you don't hear the jizz hit something. You don't want to hear another man's jizz. I also was disgusted because it was a room like you're jerking off in the, like, save that shit for the shower. Go somewhere. It's in the air, man. It's in the air now, man. Yeah.

I really was like, fuck, man. That's brutal. It was like, I think, like, that gives me, oh, God. Yeah. Every now and then I think about that guy jerking off in that bed next to me. And I was like, I didn't even understand that a solo room was an option. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, of course. You don't know any, like, I mean, my first tour, it was, I was opening for my friends who were, like, in an alt comedy thing. And it was like,

Sprinter van would be nice. It's like we have one SUV that is... Someone's in the middle seat. We're just, you know, we're doing the whole thing. It was like... And we're sleeping on floors. Sometimes at the venue we're sleeping at. And it was like...

If we got a hotel room, it was like, okay, well, there's five people in this hotel room. And it's like, you're lucky to get the... It's like sometimes people be like, I'll just do the floor. You know what I mean? It's like, oh, I've slept on the floor. I've slept in like... Like we slept in vans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like those things are just like... But you just get used to it. It's like there's a fun adventurousness to it. Of course. You're also not... It's so less sad for you. Yes. Than everyone else. Right. Because it's... You know what I think? Like, look, I really firmly believe that...

if you're doing this business, like whatever it is, you need to be eating shit a lot. Without question. Every person I meet who ascends so quickly, I'm like, you don't know what it's like to be on the other end. I think that actually makes you a better person. For sure. And it also like lets you understand just like,

we're all in it. We're all in it together. And I feel like, I look back on it, I'm happy to have been doing that at 19, 20, and 22. Of course. Than to do it at like 35 and be jerking off next to a 19-year-old. I don't want to be doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want to be the looper in that situation where it switches and it's like, you look and it's like 19-year-old you and you're the one jacking off. You're like... Yeah, no. But you know, I think that that's a thing that I feel like

It's also great because you appreciate wherever you are. I feel like I go on the road now. I love going on the road. I try to make it as comfortable for... Because often a lot of that stuff falls on me as far as organizing certain elements of it. We have a story manager. We have people. Everybody's great. But I want to make sure it's a fun experience. But it also is like whenever it's bad, and it's never that bad anymore, but when it's bad, it's like, eh, well...

it could be a zillion times. Yeah, I could have a fucking job. Yeah, 100%. It's like, you know, it's like, but I also think it's just, it also like, you respect the people in the spot more. It's like, I don't know. I just think, like, I think that when you see it on such a base level where no one gives a fuck about you. Oh, dude. Like, you know, it's like, you're just like, you're here tonight? Great. I mean, you don't, no one gives a, no, you're nothing to any, like, you're just a fucking,

animal. If they're there, they're there by accident. Yes. Yeah. I mean, so much of stand-up comedy when you're starting New York is fucking up someone's nice evening. Yeah. How many times, I don't know if improv is the same way, but it's like, I assume, you know, like, stand-up shows,

there'd be a hopping bar on a fucking Wednesday or something. And people are assuming, it's a fucking Wednesday. I'm here to grab a beer with my friends. And then some fucking idiot is like, hey guys, show's gonna be starting in about five minutes. And they're like clearing out an area. And it's like, and you just, and then if you're like, oh, brutal. When I was in New York, you know what they were doing? It was even worse. They do it at laundry rooms. Like laundry mats. So like, imagine that. You're like, I'm just trying to wash my shit. They're like, all right, everybody. I'm like,

All right. And you couldn't check out as much as you could now. Now I can pop on my headphones and be like, I'm just going to be watching Hulu. But it's funny. I love going on the road. I love seeing stuff. I do love that energy. But you're right. You also have fucked up people's nights in those early nights. Oh, man.

I remember we went to the mall of America. I played knuckleheads. Love that. And as part of the Minnesota, Minnesota improv festival. Hell yeah. Now what the Minnesota improv festival did not tell the Friday night at eight o'clock audience at knuckleheads was that they were a part of the Minnesota improv festival. Those people came in and they were like, I'm here to see stand up. Yeah. Where's dice? Yeah. And we, we,

We came on that stage and within the first five minutes I'm introducing a show and someone's like, kill yourself. I was like, oh, fuck. I remember being on stage with Rob Riggle, a Marine who's been through shit, like looked at me and I looked at him and he's like, oh, let's go. I'll fuck out of here. And you know, we did like a 40 minute show in 15 minutes. Yeah. Let's go, go, go, go, go. And no one's upset when you finish early like that. No, they're ready to go. They're ready to get the fuck out. That's so funny to be touring because that really must have felt

so like honestly even glamorous when you're 19 or whatever and so you just you were just in class so you realized I'm not I'm not gonna get a real job because you talk about having like this dormant idea of wanting to be an actor or something and then you're like I think look I wish I could say like I knew I was gonna be an actor and I didn't care about college I didn't really have a plan yeah like you know it's like I wanted to be doing this I didn't know how to do it no one led me to it so it was like I

I stumbled into a lot of it, right? And I think... Well, how'd you get into that? Like, there's no... Because I would assume maybe you do some student shit. But like, this sounds like something that was not even like culturally up your alley that you kind of stumbled into. So the crazy thing was that my parents have been divorced for a long time. And I would spend the weekends with my dad who lives in Queens. Oh, nice. He lived in Queens. We're in Queens right now, baby. Yeah, love it, love it. My dad was in Flushing. Oh, not far. Yeah, not that far. You get the Chinese food as a kid must have been insane. Amazing, amazing.

That was my dad's. I remember it still. Go bother the guy that lives there, guys. Go knock on his door. Tell him Paul sent you. Hey, go on the tour of my young childhood.

Yeah, go see him. Knock on that door, side door. I bet you they've been ripped down and put up condos or something like that. Yeah, 100%. But, you know, so I would spend the weekends with my dad. So your mom, you're on Long Island and your dad's in Queens. Yeah, and so, you know, so close to the city, my dad and I would just do fun, cool shit. We'd go see movies. We'd go see, you know, comedies.

comedy whatever I could get into because it's like I'm young kid but I remember my dad took me to see deaf comedy jam at Westbury music fair that's so that was the fucking best we saw that's incredible it was amazing and I brought my friends you know like and it was so funny because my dad I think wanted to support but also didn't know exactly what he was like right right right you know like so going into deaf comedy jam I would

argue that we were this is probably 94 I mean that's it's the peak the absolute peak right and so we are we're going and you're how old I'm sorry I'm like I'm in high school like you know yeah yeah yeah so we're going to deaf comedy jam or you know and and it was so much fun and my dad would and I would go see George Carlin every year cool at Madison Square Garden would see him and

And then we've balanced it out. And then my dad was a big fan and still is of Garrison Keillor. So we'd go see Garrison Keillor. So you just see a lot of different stuff. I remember one time we even went to the Radio City Music Hall and saw Martin Lawrence and the You So Crazy Tour. Oh my God. Which was like... When he's getting banned from NBC for talking about women washing their pussies on SNL. And I think that was the first joke that he opened with. And my dad's like, I don't know. I don't know what's going on. But it was that. Yeah, that's awesome. So your dad... So this is interesting because like...

I assume you were like always a big, you're like a big movie kid, you're like a big culture. Is that your dad's thing? Was that how you guys bonded? Was that who he was into? I think he introduced me to all that sort of stuff. Like, I remember he would tape SNL on Saturday nights when I was too young to stay up for it and we'd watch it on Sunday mornings. That's awesome. Pancakes, watch SNL. But,

But he brought me into the city one time because we were trying to find these comedy shows. Like, what could we see? And there was a group called, which I eventually joined, Chicago Sea Limits. And I saw it. I was there doing improv. And I'd never seen improv. Of course. I was like, holy fuck. That forehead expert. It's like a magic trick. Yeah, I'm like, whoa, that's amazing. No, listen. Who's lying? I was in when I was a kid when that would pop up on TV. It was fucking awesome. But you're just watching. You're like, I want that. And so...

I started taking, so I went there so much because they had two shows a night and it was like a $10 ticket. So my dad and I were like, can we go see the next show? My dad's like, yeah, sure. You know, I'm a cheap date. You know, we go see the 8 o'clock and the 1030. Your dad was short form improv super fans. Yeah, we were in the audience. And they were doing like, they were doing these shows and occasionally they would do like telethons and like Jon Stewart was doing stand up there. And it was like, you'd see like a bunch of cool people. Gotcha, yeah, yeah.

So I was like, I want to take classes. And I went and I took classes. And not realizing that no kid my age was going to take classes. I walk into a classroom of people in their 30s and 40s taking classes. And they're not trying to be comedians. They're just trying to be like, I work. I am a school teacher. I want to be more loose for my kids. It's bowling. Yeah, right. Exactly. And something that's happened to modern improv now is it has become the worst bowling league of all time. Oh, I mean, well, that's...

There's highs and lows and all this shit. You know, because I mean, because you went to, you were a UCB guy later on. But I remember when I first moved here, and this is 10 years ago. So UCB is like a corporate structure at this point. And I took, and you know, you moved to New York and shit's not going good. When you first move from a secondary, smaller city, it sucks. So I'm like, I'm not going to get stage time. I've always, I love improv comedians. Let me take some classes. And I went twice and it was like,

that were sure they were gonna be on SNL with no sense of anything. And I was like, I have to go. And I ate the money. I had no money. I was like, I would rather eat the money than keep coming to this. It had become- No, I was sitting there for three hours. And I feel like when I was doing UCB and I was there from the very beginning. Oh, wow, cool. When they first opened their first, I was there seeing them when they were doing shows on a fifth floor walk up on 17th Street.

Wow. And then they opened up their first theater. What part of town? Right off the 17th and 5th. Oh, wow. Holy shit. So it was a solo arts group. And we'd walk up and see this show. But it's...

it blew my mind the first time I saw it. And when we first opened up that theater, I mean, I say we, they opened it, we were performing there all the time because they needed slots. Like three shows a night, they were just going to be like, we have a theater, we're not going to be dark ever. You know, we had $5 tickets. It was amazing, right? And we would do so many shows, but I think back then it was a mix of improvisation

improv and stand-ups and everything and sketch and characters and everything because like the way I met Aziz Ansari when I did Human Giant like that was because Aziz was hosting a show called Crash Test and his whole premise was I want a stand-up show but I want to host it with improvisers and I want to bring in other people and the first week he brought in Rob the second week he brought in me oh cool and then we started making things and it just and then Crash Test became something of like all three of us which was like bits and things and we but you'd have you'd

comics working out shit and it was like a more fun vibe and I don't know where that ended because when I left it was still kind of like that but I've heard it kind of got a little yeah yeah a little less I mean anytime it's anytime anything becomes huge it's fucked there's no there's a things are good for a while and then they either disappear or they become some fucking horrible corporate I mean not I'm saying it's horrible but it's like it's capital you know not to get fucking it's about a check and then when you also when you fucking rent

four places in Manhattan. The money's got to keep coming in. And then everybody who, that initial group of people, it's like, well, they're the establishment now. Amy Poehler is one of the funniest people of all time. But she was like, you can't be more like, you're not a fucking rebel anymore when you're a millionaire who's on NBC and like, you know what I mean? Well, and the other thing is, it's like, the thing about UCB, I think, that's really interesting is they were launched recently

I want to say this the right way that I feel like I don't think as a cult of personality, those four, right. They were, that was UCB. Then my group was the group right under that, which is, you know, I could list off the names, you know, it goes everywhere. You know, it's like Zach Woods and Rob Riggle and, you know, Ben Schwartz. And like, I mean, like Adam Pally, I mean, the list goes on and on and on. Yeah.

And even Ben and Zach, they're way younger than me. So it's like we were... With that first forefront of people, we kind of tried to adopt that ethos. And then we were copying them. And then people were copying us. It's the Xerox shit where it gets kind of fuzzy around the edges. Yeah. And then when we start to leave...

then everything is becoming a little less and less. And because it gets more and more popular, our first theater, well, I said the first shows I was doing was on a five-floor walk-up. That's what I'm saying. That shit is fucking awesome. But that's the cycle of everything, right? Right. And I think what it is is you have to hold on really... I remember I had a conversation with somebody about this because...

Well, actually, with the person who bought UCB, I was like, you can't just buy UCB. That sentence right there says everything. The person who bought UCB. It shouldn't be an entity sold. And if it is, no one should have that amount of money. And anyone who has that amount of money is going to do it wrong. You know what I mean? If you're a fucking billionaire. Or not billionaire, but millionaire, whatever. When I was talking to him, I was like,

You don't automatically... It's not like you buy the Celtics. You'd be like, oh, I have a history, I have a thing. It's like you have to... The thing that is UCB is the talent, the cultivating of talent, making sure people come there, making sure... It doesn't run on itself. If you take the soul out, it's not the show anymore. I think that now, definitely in LA, they've kind of... I think they've figured out how to...

give it back to the performers a little bit because when it gets away from the performers and that energy, it's like, A, I don't want to perform there. B, it doesn't feel like a place I want to just go even hang out at. It becomes like a corporate thing and it's like, it's a weird, it's a weird middle ground. It's like, it's hard to lose it. It's so, it's so quick. It's like your clubhouse becomes like this other thing. And that's the price of success. I mean, it's pretty much dark, you know, the wisdom of the, you know, the,

die a villain or whatever the fuck die a hero you know Harvey Batman or Harvey Dent or whoever the fuck said it that's pretty much what happens all the time man and I think the only way that you can like it's hard to do that for organizations and I think for like human beings it's easier because you can be like oh I want to see new stuff I want to be challenged I think there's two types of people I've run into like people who are like

I am angry and jealous of somebody who's having success, somebody who's doing something in a way that I don't understand it, or there are people who look at it being like, holy shit, that's inspiring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exciting. I saw O'Mary last night in New York. Oh, I can't wait to see that, man. It's so fucking great. Yeah.

And I look at that thing. Cola School is so fucking funny. Cola School is so funny. And everyone in that cast is so good. But you look at that thing and I'm like, oh, this is inspiring to me. And I feel like if you can still have that

You have to have a naivete to come. I think once you lose that, the only part, like I've met a bunch of different people, but one of the people who embodies that for me is like Will Ferrell. Every time I meet that guy, like he's like, oh, I'm, I'm doing something weird. I'm going to try something different. I'm going to go on this YouTube show. I'm going to do this other thing. It's like, you need that ability to be like, oh, I don't give a fuck. Like I'm still this person at heart. I'll put on a funny costume and I'll do, like I'm not precious about who I am or what I do. And I feel like once you lose that or once you feel like you're,

then you, you see, you know, yeah, I could also be eating. It could also be the eating the shit thing, right? He could be like, yeah, I remember that shit. It's like, I, you know, and it's, and maybe there's a little bit of like fundamentally being like,

I can't take myself too seriously. I'm a fucking idiot. I'm a fucking idiot piece of shit, which is something I have. Like, no, like I don't deserve to be in any, like half of the shit that's gone on. I'm like, this is stupid. Like being in a big theater makes no sense. Like I should be in the shittiest club in the world. So it all feels fun. Right. It's like you're, but I also feel like your enthusiasm, your want to be there is like, that's what the, like, yeah, I think it's crazy. Like that fact, like that's what I was at.

again, I go back to that O'Meara, I'm like, that's on fucking Broadway. Yeah. Broadway. That's fucking cool. Like, that's crazy. That show should, that's a subvert, like, that's a show that could have been done or made, like, look, I remember seeing Gutenberg, the musical, when Anthony King put it up at UCB. That's awesome. And then it grew out of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it became a thing on Off-Broadway. And then it came back to Broadway. Like, it's like, oh, yeah, that's the trajectory of, like, seeing stuff. Yeah, something like that. You know, and it's like, I don't know. It's like, it's fun to,

To understand that our job at the end of the day is still to be like, not an asshole, but be like, we're having a party. Have a good time. Have a good time, yeah. And you do have to be fun. I do think, it was interesting because I didn't know, I was a huge fan, but you don't know, I don't know much about, I didn't know much about you because I think stand-ups, I think it's a little different. But also just like in your work, it doesn't necessarily come through

that like, you know, just, it's not as autobiographical, I guess. Yeah, you can hide behind characters and dumb stuff, you know, like stuff like that. And I feel like it's, but yeah, no, I feel like that's the thing that like kind of, what I just, what I really do love is just,

I think eating shit is always good. I don't want to eat too much shit. Yeah. But it's like, like I just took a standup class. I'm never done standup. That's hilarious. And I was like, I don't know if I'm like, you didn't have to do that. You didn't learn anything. But you know what it was? There was a part of me that was like, oh man, I've never done this. Yeah. And just for the exercise of,

I'm not going to be like, now I'm going to go. I'm ready to go. But I just like, I wanted the exercise of being like, this is something I'm not comfortable doing. I get on stage a bunch. I can talk a bunch. But I didn't know how to like write to that. And I still, I'm not saying I do. But it's like, but I, it was uncomfortable to go to that class for me. I get it. It's a different, it's a completely different form. But I guess what I was really getting at was like, you know, I don't, you just, I don't know much about, it was just interesting to see that how,

you know for I mean the title is what's the title Joyful Recollections of Trauma of trauma how fucked up your shit was you know what I mean where it's like cause it's like you seem like you do seem like an insanely positive guy but I think what it comes down to is like

Eating shit is not only in your career. I do think there's a personality thing of like when you go through it and you come out the other side because like you, you know, you just fucking got through a lot of crazy shit. Yeah. Your childhood was the divorce. Like, you know, your stepdad being like a fucking trucker, a Long Island trucker. Yeah. Kind of a blue chip thing.

shitty stepdad to have. You know what I mean? Like the top. In terms of shitty stepdad, that means all pro. You know what I mean? But yeah, no, I mean, you know, that's that part of my life that I talk about in the book because it really isn't like a showbiz book per se. No, no, it's really not. You know, I wanted to make it something that I felt like would be relatable to people. Like sometimes I'm also like, save that shit for Barbra Streisand. Like she can talk about, oh, and I won the Oscar and I did this and I was traveling with the Pope. And I'm like,

I knew when they wouldn't book me at Dead Crow Comedy Club that I would come. It's like no one cares about comedian stories. David Cross said our show was funny, and it was. That was a huge thing for me, but it's not going to be a great story. Ryan Seacrest here.

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And it was like, you know, we keep our shit behind closed doors. Indoors is going to be crazy. I'm going to funerals where people are lifting people out of coffins going, no, no, Joey, Joey. You know, and people are having grudges that they'll never talk. You know, people are not talking. You know, but it's like, but you don't bring it outside of the family, right? And you keep your... Italians really love to pretend they're in the mafia. Oh, my God. Even when it comes to just me. Oh, man. It's like, it is such a, like...

it's a point of pride. Yeah. You know, and it's like, and you know, look, the truth is, it's like, I, well, I, my grandfather went to jail, um, for being the president of a bank. And he, like, well, he didn't go to jail technically. He went and did community service. Okay. Because he was in a bank that was like kind of run by these mafia guys. And the, the way that he didn't go to jail, they all went to jail, but, uh,

was that all this paperwork, that was like the most damning paperwork, happened on the day that he had his kidney removed. And they signed all of his names. Like they basically was like, he's out of the office. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. They had all this documentation, which is a crazy thing, you know? And it's like,

And I went to those people's houses and that might be the game. It's like the people who, like you have people who like want to act like they're in the mafia who are nowhere near it. Of course. And the people you see that are actually in it, you're also like, oh shit. There's something fucked up here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different vibe. Different energy. Absolutely. Long Island, you've

It's a lot. There's a lot of shit going on. And so when your parents got divorced when you were really young, did your dad move to Queens after? Was your family a Long Island family? Or where did your parents meet and stuff? My mom stayed in Long Island. My dad moved to Queens. But he's from there? My dad grew up in Connecticut. Oh, okay. But he worked in the Bronx. Gotcha. And so I think Queens is like a nice middle ground. And the place that he stayed at was a member of our family. He's like, oh, I have a...

Like a duplex. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. I don't even know all those details, but I'm putting shit together. How did your parents meet? Do you know? I believe they met in college. Okay. So my dad was at St. John's. My mom was a nurse. They were going to nursing school. But when they got divorced or their marriage was falling apart, they pretended it wasn't for me. So my parents got divorced at three but stayed together until I was five. What? So I was living in this house where...

I would come, you know, I would be like, I'd sometimes catch my dad like sleeping in the guest room. I'm like, what's going on? You know, what the fuck? And my mom was like, oh, the bed is broken. And I'm like, okay. So it's really not a fee. Talk about the problems. Family. No, it's a pretend to be in a marriage until our son is smart enough to figure it out. My dad literally would leave the house. Um,

on like when I went to bed and then get there before I woke up so it would feel like he was there that's fucking nuts you know and so you know and that kind of shit like that also like kind of like zings around in your head a little bit too because like you're living with a Truman Show for a little bit right right right I mean that's insane you know and like and also that age is like such a

intuitive age because you don't know shit but you're like a little like you get vibes yeah I feel like babies do weirdly get vibes you know so I'm like three years old but I'm getting I remember look I remember catching my dad in the in that room and my mom's like oh yeah the bed's broken I'm like

which is a great metaphor for divorce. But I mean, but also like this idea, like, but that, that sticks out to me for a reason. I remember trying to get them to hug, right? Go hug each other. Like, you know, like I knew something, but I didn't want to ask. Weird. Yeah. Right. I didn't even know what, if I knew what to ask. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And even when they got divorced, it wasn't like we're getting a divorce. It was like, Oh, we're moving. Your dad's going to move over here and I'm going to move over here.

And you get to be in both. I see. And again, I'm young. What are you going to tell a five-year-old? Sure, sure, sure. I don't know how you have that conversation. I have an eight-year-old and a ten-year-old. But come on. Right. You don't pretend to be married. Right. You know what I mean? But I think it's one of those things. My parents, I think, are trying to be like, this is the thing that I, as a parent now,

I have empathy. Sure. Because I think that you go, oh, they were trying to do their best. And how old were they? And they fucked up. But my parents, they got together when they were in their 20s. Yeah. So like, you know, like they're in their young 20s, like, you know, like mid-20s when, you know, it's like, I just... And not that like...

it's not even like forgiveness. It's like, oh, they're just like, okay, how do we not make this traumatic? We'll do this other thing that could potentially be even more traumatic. But we, but they were not thinking about that. Like, and you know, they're not looking in, they're not going to therapy. They're not running these ideas. You know, look, I come from a Catholic church. You know, before you get married, you have to sit with a priest to tell you what marriage is like. It's like, what the fuck is that? Like, you know, that's not the person that you should be talking to like that. You know, it's like, yeah, we go, we take catechism with the priest. It's like, oh,

this guy's married to God. Yeah. You know, but it's like you do these things that make no sense. And I think that like, I don't know, again, maybe it's my own parents, but this idea like,

we have to keep up appearances. Like, we're trying to do this. We're trying to do the right thing. Well, that's definitely an immigrant. I don't know how, you know, it's definitely a Greek thing. Like, first generation immigrants, it sounds like you're more, we're talking more American, you know, East Coast Italian, but it's still anyone in the church. Yeah, my grandparents' parents came from Italy. So, I mean, it's,

Yeah, it's two generations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's still kind of running around, especially in the tri-state area. That was still kind of like the culture there, the keeping up appearances thing for sure. And then you were just...

you know I mean because I was inclined this thing makes me feel like I'm fucking old when I say this but it does no one else was divorced like I was in school that's interesting people are like what's divorce oh and people come over Paul tell them what your parents are like I'm like oh but

But, you know, it's like, and I was like, that's personal. Like, oh, does it have to explain? Like, oh, my parents aren't together. Wow, interesting. Now, I think that, like, as I got a little bit older, it really started to, the wave crashed. We were just the first ones. First ones, yeah. Early adopters. Early adopters to divorce. Damn. So you must have had some of the first fun weekends at Dad's in America. Yeah, I mean, I'm in those moments. You know what I mean? You know what I think? It probably also is like, it's the, like, I feel like,

You know, it was just a weird thing to be like, oh, my dad comes and picks me up and my dad does this. And it was like that. And they were very separate, but they were also together. And they did so much to continue to like. They had a good relationship while you were. They did. It's funny. My mom and dad, their relationship got bad when I turned 30, which was so odd. Right. But it was like one of these things. What happened? What do you think? I think what it is, is like.

you fake it so long and then all of a sudden, it's not like what happened as much as like the dam broke. It's like I can only keep this shit at bay. And they had both been remarried a couple times? My mom has been remarried, but my dad, it actually, the thing that is interesting in a way is that what happened was when my dad got remarried, that kind of burst open the dam.

You know, and I think it's like... That makes sense. Yeah, right? It makes sense. It's like on some level, you're dealing with... It's easy. Like, look, I don't know your relationship status, right? Single. Ready to mingle. You know what I'm saying? Come on out to Queens. You can stay at my dad's house. We'll go say what's up to Paul's dad's house. We'll get some dumplings in Flushing. But, you know, what I think is so kind of crazy is that my...

There's a thing, like, even in the worst relationships, you're like, oh, if we break up, you don't want to see that person with somebody else. Yeah. Right? Absolutely. And it would almost be great if you could break up with somebody and they never got with somebody else. Or they disappear. They disappear. They're just like, you know what, man? I'm going to Europe. I never. We have to play rock, paper, scissors. One of us moves to fucking. Get out of here. Portugal. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. You are never going to see them again. Yeah. But.

And I think in a way, unintentionally, that's what my dad did. He didn't get remarried. There's no like, there's no like that anger. So once he gets remarried, it's almost like that damn. Oh, interesting. So it was on your dad's side. Yeah. Not your mom's. Because when you're saying this, I'm thinking like, well, your dad seemed, because you know, I read, he seems like a nice guy. He's a great guy.

And it also seems like, you know, not to, you know, it's like there could be, not knowing them at all, it's like your mom was in other relationships. There could be kind of like your mom didn't like the fact that he finally found someone. Your mom felt like she had her needs kind of covered. Yeah. Your dad was still a part of her life in a way so that once he gets married, it fucks her up. I would never have assumed it would have fucked him up to where he's kind of mad. Oh, sorry. You're right. You're right. Sorry. You're right. Sorry. Yeah. You were.

you analyzed it. Thank you. Great. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And that's, yeah, that's really what happened. So when he got married, when he got married, your mom's like, how dare he? Yeah. It was like, boom. Yeah. Oh, and that's just 30 years later, he gets married. Right. Like I was nothing. Yeah. Right. And it's like,

And I think, but you know, it's like, and that's the thing. It's like, and I think that's the problem of almost being too polite. Wow, that is fucking fascinating, dude. Yes, absolutely. Too polite or too passive because you're like, ah. Too passive. Right? Because that was there in a little fucking box waiting to be un, and it's just like, it just showed, I mean, yeah, I'm,

This is getting... Because my family, we're going through some... There's a little rearranging going on in the family. And I'm trying to get... I wasn't close to my dad for years. I'm trying to get back to it. And we're having real conversations, but it's so clear. Shit bothers him from so long ago that you're like...

how the fuck are you still talking about it? And the idea that your mom would be like, just never dealt with those, never dealt with those, got used to a weird codependent thing and like, you know, it's just so fascinating. And I don't mean to be like, I don't mean to be like, therapy is the catch all of all, but it's like, if you're not going and working, like, if someone's not A, forcing you to deal with it, you will never deal with it. Yeah, yeah. And,

And it's, and you know, and that, and that's when it happens. And that's when it fucking explodes. That's why I think most of MSNBC, those like, I murdered my husband. I murdered people. It's like, that's all that shit is. That's like, he never closes the garage door. And then like one day he farts. It's like, I have to kill this guy. You know, it's like, it's these, you know, it's like we repress so much. I think part of that book, part of the book was interesting because I wrote it.

I was like, I've been doing How This Get Made, this podcast for 15 years. I've been telling these funny stories unintentionally. It just pops up. Right, it just pops up. I don't know what's going to come out. And people are like, write a book, write a book. I'm like, yeah, yeah, all right, sure. And then that's easier said than done. Of course. It's annoying. You got into comedy. Yeah, I don't know how to write. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I started writing those anecdotes. And I was like, oh, but this is like,

there's no there there. And as I was writing it, I was like, well, if I'm telling this story, I have to kind of tell this part of the story. And then it just started to open up. And in a weird way, I'm glad I wrote the book when I did because I think I have the benefit of working on myself and reflection. I was able to look at it in a way, like if I wrote this 10 years ago, it would have been a different book. It may have been an angrier book. But I was able to start to

like be outside of it and be like, oh, this is actually...

I can talk about this. I can get into it. Enough time has passed where you're like, you know what? Let's actually look at it. It's not as raw for me. You've actually gone through some shit. And I think part of it is being forced to go through it. Whether you like it or not, you went through it. Yeah, and I'm not going to say, oh, there was one therapist, and I do it five sessions on better. It's like, yeah, it was a little bit of therapy. Then that's a little bit of in relationships, trying new things, doing new things. You're growing as a person, and I feel like some people...

are very content to stay. I mean, we're just talking about it with performing too. It's like, you can be like, I am who I am and I'm going to stay who I am because I know it's safe. And the minute you do that, you atrophy, you die. For sure. And I think on some level, it's not saying that you have to go in there and be like, the world is amazing. I'm not saying you have to go become like Deepak Chopra, but it's like, but I think actually the other shit that you, when you examine yourself,

you actually get to funnier places too because you can actually go there you can actually be like oh I can if I know something about me that I would never you go deeper down totally totally oh that's interesting and the same thing with comedy it's like if

if you see something and you're like, that makes me angry. It's like, well, why does that make you angry? Like, there's angry for different reasons or jealous for different reasons. And did this, like, because I feel like you're talking about a lot of repression that you're kind of growing, you're growing up around and you seem like a, you know, a truly nice dude and you're in a good zone right now, but there must have been like repression

rebellious... Like, that stuff must have bubbled out of you at some point. I fought. I fought a ton. Really? You were violent? Yeah. That's so fucking funny. I would never have guessed you fought. You know, because it was like... I was coming from this abusive household where we... Like, that guy was bigger than me, right? So I'm trying to figure out how to...

you know, survive is a weird word, but it's like, I'm just trying to figure out how to fight back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I learned after a couple of years of this, oh, if I fight dirty, I actually get, I get a little bit, I can get something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? You know, and that gave me some power that I didn't have as a kid. You know, you're, and so as I hit harder, he hit harder, but at least I was hitting. Yes. Right? You know, and it gave, and I'd walk away

not feeling as bad. Sure. Right. And then what I realized, a couple licks in. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It feels good. Yeah. Violence feels good. It does. It does. You know, you know, uh,

Again, MSNBC. That's why people are getting in. But then what I realized was like that started to take over throughout my whole life. Right? Like it was sort of like that quick to anger that, you know, and then you would, and it's like, well, wait, hold on. Then you have to be like, well, who am I?

Yeah. Because I'm now going to be, now I'm this guy that I didn't want to even. Now I'm going to go fuck up smaller guys than me and then I'm just him. Yeah. And I want to be that. And then, so then my first reaction was like, well, I won't be angry at all. I'm going to shut it off. And for a long time I was like, I am not angry. I was like, hey, you pissed me off. It's okay. We'll figure it out. Right. And it took me a long time to like, I mean, I'm just like to open that door to anger again and be like,

It's okay to have anger. It's okay. As long as the, like I only had one version of it, which is like to 10. Yeah. And it went from zero to 10 immediately. It's like, oh no, that can be angry too. I can be angry at four. I can get to 10 if I need to. Sure. But I don't,

its control over it, that was, I think that was like a learned process. But anger was the thing for you as a kid when you, you weren't like a drug kid, you weren't like a booze. No, I mean, I grew up Catholic, so I'm like, I'm not going to be doing drugs. Oh, wow. But that worked, but you say that, you're like, oh yeah, of course, every Catholic kid I know never fucked or did drugs at 12. You know what I mean? I think it was, you know, I think I was also really surrounded by

the college school I went to, like, no one was doing that shit. Like, it was like, that was my other friend. And they were like, oh, I was smoking weed in high school. No, I mean, like, occasionally I'd see a cigarette around. I mean, I drank, like, look, I remember I could put down a whole six pack of Zima, you know, fucking Rolling Rock and shit like that at parties, you know, but it wasn't to excess, right? It wasn't to, like, it didn't actually, like,

Because I was like, to a certain extent, I was lying to myself. Like that shit covers up when it's on the surface. It's like, I feel better when I'm like this. I'm like, no, I convinced myself I am better. I don't need it. And then it was so it was like it was deeper, interesting, deeper, darker down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's one of those things where if you had gotten into it, it probably would have been bad. Yeah. Actually, yeah, I can see that. You know, or like it's I think what would have been interesting, really interesting. But if I never if I never shut off the anger. Right.

And then I started drinking or doing drugs. It would have, it would have like been like, but I think I had the wherewithal to be, I don't want to be that. So I really tried to fight against it. But also those things,

You know, it could make me lose control. For sure. And the whole thing I wanted was control. Did you have control? So did you ever have like... Yeah, so that makes so much sense, wanting control. Yeah. So you don't want to get fucked up and lose it. Yeah. So did you have any kind of vice type thing? Were you just obsessive about literally like movies and pop culture stuff? Yeah. And that's what it was? That was it. I mean, I was like, I love movies. I love comedy. I love... Like, and it was... That was like a gateway. That was like an entry point to like...

another world, right? You know, and I think also it's like, I think that, you know, yeah, like pop culture definitely were like these things I held on to, these trinkets, these things, these things that meant something to me. It gave me like,

like something sturdy, you know, like, you know, even if it's like I'm collecting my movie tickets for boogie nights or whatever it is, I have my shit, you know, it's like, and I love having my shit. I'm guessing we're not getting any pussy either at this age. No, you know, it was interesting though, because I had, I had like, I know I had, uh, you had a girlfriend in high school or college? Yeah, both. But you know what it was? I'm sorry, rescinded. No, but you know what it was? It's like, I was, I was so, um,

unaware of what I wanted. And this is like, whatever, don't make fun of this, but I'll say, a lot of girls came to me. Wow, hell yeah. And so in my way, I was like, oh, this is so nice.

Yeah, of course. It wasn't like I was grateful for that, but I was like, do I want to be with this person? Because it was sort of like, okay, well, if someone's giving me this thing or wanting to come to me, it's almost like I didn't even have that much authority over what I really want. Sure, sure, sure. You were still passive in those relationships. I find myself getting into these long-term relationships, and I'm like, oh, I don't even know if I wanted to be here forever.

in the first place. Right, right, right. You know, and that is a different thing. And I'm not like, oh, I was treating them badly or whatever. No. But it was like, I was so like putting myself like last. Yes. That it was like, okay, I don't want to make her upset. So I'm going to continue to go out. Here's the next eight months of my life. Yeah. I mean, I remember I talked to a friend one time. He has a terrible relationship with marriage. And I was like, dude,

Like, it's bad. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, but I mean, like, what? What, I got 40 more years of it? And I was like, what? Like, he's doing a prison sentence. Yeah, I'm fucking 40 more years. That's terrible. But, you know, but that's the shit. That's the thing. It's like, you can walk yourself into these...

I don't want to hurt anybody. Yeah, for sure. I know what it feels like to be hurt. For sure. And I think at the end of the day, you start to realize, well, then you're not also living your own life. And you know what I mean? I just got very... No, no, no. We're going to get to make fun of these people very soon. I'm just interested because it's a very specific kind of...

Yeah, like the reaction to a traumatic, you know, an abusive childhood plus. It's like, I don't want to rock the boat. Yeah. Because like you come home in an abusive household. It's like, what's going to, like, I didn't have an alcoholic parent.

But if I did, I imagine it would be very similar. Some days super nice, some days fucking crazy. You know, some nights good, some days bad. And that's... And my job was, in many respects, not to rock that boat. I'm not going to be responsible for him going off the...

I'm not going to be responsible for... So you just kind of kept into that less fucking... No splash on that die. Keep it easy. So it's like, where do you want to have dinner? It's like, Olive Garden. Great. I have no opinion. And what I think was...

good and bad about that was, I mean, look, I'm not saying these relationships were devoid of emotion. Sure. But they weren't like, I wasn't myself, but nor did I actually even know myself enough to not be myself. It wasn't like I was like Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. Yeah. But I think what I would realize is you would go away. And when there was no one around,

you could be yourself. Yeah, you're like, oh, finally. And that's not how you should feel when you're away from the people you love the most. Right, and when I was on tour and stuff, I'd be like, oh, I like this version of me. It was almost like peek its head up. Totally. It wasn't a version of me that was like,

Fucking let's blow it up. It was just doing what I wanted. Hey, this guy jacking off next to me, not so bad. Yeah, right. I'm like, now this is good. Now this I can get used to. Well, let's take some questions here. I think you're very...

Yeah, sorry to get into it. No, I love that. I didn't want to bring down your audience. I'm always nervous. No, no, no, they get it. I always feel like whenever I talk about this stuff, sometimes people's buttholes get tight. This is like a fake therapy show. This is like a completely unlicensed, legally, you can't get me. This is not real advice, but I am very interested in how people...

just because I have so many vices and it's like, you know, so much stuff. So I'm interested in like, and it's not, we came from different situations for sure, but it's like anger was definitely the big thing that shaped my childhood as well. And so I'm just interested in seemingly no vices really, you know what I mean? That you had. But those vices are almost more like, yes, there are no outward vices, right? Like I'm not smoking, I'm not drinking, I'm not doing drugs. But,

I'm almost doing like, it's almost like harder damage, right? I got that shit. That's what I'm saying. I see that too. I remember because so much of it is like, so it'd be hilarious for people like me being like, oh yeah, I'm just too shy sometimes. That's not, I know I don't come off as like, you know, I know it sounds pretty, but it's like definitely a lot of my life was just like, I definitely felt that of like, let's not fucking rock the boat. Let's just keep it going. What I love about this show too is like,

Advice from strangers is the best advice you'll get because we have no vestment. I don't care how your life goes. Really? I mean, I hope it goes good, but I don't, but also it's like, like I used to do this thing with people. It's like, we will tell you like an unvarnished, like it's like, we don't have to pull punches. Yes, absolutely. Um,

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Experience social gameplay like never before. Go to Chumba Casino right now to play hundreds of games, including online slots, bingo, slingo, and more. Live the Chumba life at ChumbaCasino.com. BGW group, no purchase necessary. Void web prohibited by law. See terms and conditions 18 plus. So let's do it. Let's fucking, let's wreck some of these motherfuckers. And go get the book, guys. Anything else, Paul, that you want people to know about? Yeah, if I'm on the road, go check it out. Go check it out. It's going to my website, PaulShearer.com. I love it.

I have a friend who I used to be a roommate with and they had this really like abusive girlfriend and they would fight all the time would literally trigger my childhood traumas but whatever they broke up

They were gone. They were done with each other for almost a year now. They're back together and Based on listening to your other advice for past haulers I am wondering how do I relax and stop worrying about it and stop thinking about it Especially when I have to see both of them - it's been kind of difficult Thank you so much for taking my call. I do have some bazookas. So please keep that in mind respect during

Okay, well, knowing you have big tits, I'm going to really lock in here. I was going to phone this one in, maybe throw it to Paul, but... No, no. Does anything really come to mind? I have a couple ideas, but please. No, I want to break it down with you a little bit here, because it's like, this is an interesting situation. Yeah. Because...

you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't, right? Because you can't get involved in matters of the heart. Absolutely. Like, you have a person who's in a terrible marriage, it's your friend, you can't say anything. You gotta wait and you gotta know. You gotta know what it's gonna take. The old Seinfeld episode. Oh, yeah. The first one never takes. You know what I mean? It just doesn't. The breakups never take. And that's it. You have to play it out because your friendship...

You don't want to be another casualty of that relationship. For sure. So I'm always aware of that. It's like, how much are you going to get involved? And yes, it can sound really good. We say to you, go tell her. But I think all this stuff comes down to you need to...

Figure out where you're comfortable and then stay in that lane, right? So if this guy and her are doing their thing, I don't know if they're living together anymore, but if they're not, if you're seeing them out, you got to go like, hey, is he going to be there? I'm not going to go there. And I think you want me to say, well, you should tell her don't bring her to our X, Y, and Z. My wife has friends.

they have a friend group there are certain spouses not invited to wow and that's because certain spouses trigger other spouses yeah or trigger trigger something yes yes yes you're very welcome to do that like you know you make a like but you can't control like you have to be like all right he's gonna be there i'm not gonna go there why am i gonna trigger myself like that's the only the only person you can control is yourself yep and when she gets out of it again

Or never. You have to reevaluate. Is this worth the grief? Yes, I fully agree with you. And I think maybe she gets some of that because she's saying, based on your advice, I'm trying to wonder how to relax and stop worrying because she understands, hopefully, that there's nothing she can do about it. And I guess, yeah, the thing to just reiterate is you and your friends are friends.

You're along for the ride in each other's lives. And for parts of it, you're a unit, you're whatever. But it's like there are parts in everyone's life...

even if you're married, even if you have kids, whatever, where you're alone. You know what I mean? And the best thing you can hope for is to have some people along for the ride, but it's not a collaborative thing. This relationship, you're just there for them. You need to be there for your friend as much as you can be, but you can't change the course of certain parts of their life. And I think the important part of this too is,

And the reason why you can't is because you need to be there when that shit goes down. So you are the first phone call that will help. You know, it's almost like you need to be available as if something, I mean, you're saying abusive. So I don't know where we're at. True, true, true. That's another good point. You know, and if, and...

you want to make sure that if something goes down, she's got a safe haven with you because I think a lot of people, and I went through this myself too, our family all like, not abandon us, but they're like, I don't like the way he is. I'm leaving. And then when you have no doors to go through, it's harder to get out. So you want to stay there for a friend, but you can't, and I know you're not going to worry about it, but you can take control over how you see your friend, how you interact with it. It's like you can eliminate it essentially from your life,

And still keep your friend as a part of your life. Definitely. And, yeah, exactly. I think you're right, Paul, in that don't put yourself in situations that trigger you. This is, you know, that's bad for you. Right. So you don't want to overdo how much of a friend you are that it's fucking your life up. And, like, what you're saying is really good because it's like...

So you're probably going to take a bit of a step back from how close this person is to you. But you can also let them know if you ever need help, if you ever want to talk about this, if you ever want to... Like, I'm here for you. And there's a way of taking a step back physically but not emotionally. Yeah. Right? Like, you can make sure that person knows that you are in... You're in it. You're not like, I don't return their texts. I don't return their phone calls. It's like, no, no, you're there. You're not cutting it off. You're just...

You're cutting out the part that doesn't work for you. And you know what? I think most people are pretty smart and they fucking figure it out. They get it. And also, I don't think there's anything wrong with being explicit about it. Saying like, hey, I don't think this is good for you. This is your life. I'm your friend. You want to hang out. I'm here for you. I can't do this. And make it about yourself because it's true. This is triggering my own shit. And it's true. And maybe there's a little bit of reflection you need to do

It can't hurt to be like, why is this triggering me so much? Do you wait for a moment where... I'm nervous about this Coke. No, it's empty. Don't worry about it. Do you wait for a moment where it rears its head to do that conversation? Or do you just do it out of the blue? I don't think so. I don't think you wait for it because... I think because... Well, I mean, it does come up. I think if those moments happen...

It might not be your choice, right? Like, you might have to react. But I think because she's seen it, right? Right. And because you are making it about yourself and you're not making it about... Right, right, right. Hey, I'm not trying to police you. Right. Right? This is your life. I get it. If you're happy, I'm happy. As a friend, I don't think you should do this. But because this is about me and the way this person treats you reminds me of these horrific things, I need to take a step back from this relationship and...

If this ever gets too much for you, like, look, maybe I'm wrong. It's your life. But if this gets too much for you, I'm here for you. I just need to be... We just need to kind of, like, take a step back here for my own sanity, basically. You know, and I think, you know, we're saying the same thing. But I... My...

my only thought is how do you make it bulletproof for yourself? So you are not, yeah, you can be like, you know, it's like, hey, look, I find elements, you know, if you say, I find elements of your relationship triggering, well, what do you mean? What do you, like, what elements? And it's like, look, like, you know, it's a tricky thing because you don't want to get her pissed off at you. That's a good point. You know, I think it's, I think what you can do is,

subtly draw a line. Hey, we're all going out. No boyfriends. Hey, let's go. You and I go see a movie. You draw those lines. Let's get lunch, whatever. Right. And if she starts to bring him along, then I think you go to step two. For sure. Which is like, hey, you know what? I just have an issue based on

What happened a year ago. Right, when you broke up. When you broke up. And so it's better for me if you and I just hang out. Then you just do that. I almost think you baby step it in because it's like you come at her hard. It may come out of the blue. For sure. That's a good point. You can try to walk it in in a way where it's like, yeah, you do it and you're not even involved in it because the last thing you want her to do is feel like,

someone's against her and him. You're right. Depending on where they are in their relationship. You're right. And I think because this is already, they have so much history, maybe a huge like sit down is not necessary. Yeah. You know how I feel. We've gone over it. And here's another thing maybe you could try.

Just if she's hanging out too much with her boyfriend, hide those big juicy tits. But if she doesn't bring him around, let her get a little peek. Well, we thought about that. That may be the reason why he is around so much. Yeah, that's true. Definitely don't put him out when he's around. You hide those. You keep those for yourself and reward your friend to let her.

Her or them, I don't even know if you said if it's a gay dude's or they, them's, whatever's going on there. Maybe it's just a girl and a guy. But hide them for your friend, even if they're not attracted to you. They're aesthetically, nobody's mad at looking at a big pair of tits.

So thank you, Elvis. So try doing that. Try the approach of open communication or try and kind of, you know, condition your friend where the less they hang out with their boyfriend, the more you show them your tits. I mean, this is good advice. What else we got, Big Eld? What's up, Stav? Uh,

So I got engaged this summer to my partner of six years and we are in a rush to get married, but we're planning for the wedding to happen in like 2026 after she graduates. She went back to school kind of late. We're like 30 now. And we're in the early phases of planning a wedding, talking about like who to invite and stuff like that. Uh, but I don't have many close friends.

So in order to have groomsmen, I'd need to invite a certain distant friend to be a groomsman. And that's cool because we get along great. But the reason he's become distant is that his wife really wanted to fuck my fiance. What? And it made things hella awkward. This is awesome. It all started like a few years ago when we went to a UFC event together and afterwards at the hotel.

She texted me asking if she could come to our room because she wanted to fuck my girlfriend. Pause this real fast, Eldridge. Now, for a certain man, this is one of the... A UFC event. I mean, we're in a neighborhood... Watching your girlfriend get fucked by a hot girl. For a certain guy, this is huge. I mean, there's a lot going on. I don't even know where it's going. Every new detail is like, wow, wow, wow. Let's stay on the ride. But I just want to say...

We hear you. There are some guys smashing their keyboard right now being like, why wasn't that me? I want to do this, but let's see. You're right. My girlfriend. And I said no. But she still asked my girl anyways, who also said no, and my girlfriend was kind of creeped out about it. So she offered that my buddy and I could watch them fuck, but that didn't change our mind at all.

This is insane. She spent the next few months texting my girl a bunch of... trying to fuck shit. You know? And, uh, made my girl, like, really uncomfortable, and then we couldn't hang out as a group anymore. Holy shit. So I brought it up to my buddy, and...

He kind of laughed it off, but was clearly embarrassed. Yeah. My wife's always trying to fuck people, man. Oh, man. Alive. Wow. Oh, yeah. Shucks. My wife's always trying to eat pussy. Holy shit. Holy shit. This is fucking awesome. Keep going, Elders. According to some other friends...

He may have even tried this with some of their... Oh, my God. According to some other friends, he may have even tried this with some of their girls as well. Maybe not as direct as with mine. Neither of us are in open relationships or anything like that, so my buddy never seemed to grasp. She was crossing a boundary by trying again and again after getting rejected. I'd like to be friends with him again, and especially with the wedding coming up. So my question is,

What the fuck? Yeah.

What can I do here? Oh my gosh. Oh my. This is fucking crazy. Well, let me give you the answer that I think is the cleanest one. Don't invite this guy to your wedding. I mean, yeah. I mean, what the fuck, dude? Don't do it.

Don't do it. He's talking about making him a groomsman, not just an invite. No, no, no, no, no. This is crazy. What the fuck is wrong with you? I do think what's interesting about this. Yeah, there's stuff to unpack for sure, but go ahead. You know, like, I know what you were saying. Like, there is a fantasy element to this where everyone's picturing...

of this that is probably the most porny version. And don't get me wrong. I know this is not that. I'm absolutely joking. The flip side of this is what's very interesting. Yeah, right. And I think the truth is, is like, that is, I mean, that is a crazy, it's a crazy proposition. I think that you've handled it

this guy called really right. Really well, yeah. Up until wanting to re-invite, up until asking him if he wants steak or fucking fish at your wedding. No, no, no, no. I mean, this is the thing. This woman that he's involved with

She's out of her mind. I don't know if she's got a problem, but she's got... There's something that she's doing. I think... Listen, I think she's got a problem, Paul. Right. I think she's fucking trying to fuck everybody's girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's clearly... And by the way, their relationship's wild because, yes, what I... You know, the joke I made about it being people's fantasy is...

Now, either his friend is that stupid, where to him, he's like, hell yeah, that's fucking cool, or he's one of the most cucked individuals on earth. And either way, something's off with your boy. But isn't it also like, when I hear that from him, that feels to me like, look, some people drink too much, some people do drugs. She's like, she fucks her... She fucks some chicks. And so this is what he's got to deal with. He's like, yeah. Yeah.

yeah, man, she fucking texted your wife. I'm sorry. And, and, uh,

And I feel like it's sort of, it is uncomfortable for him because it's like, he's got a cover for his wife who is recklessly out there trying to like bone this guy's friends. And I imagine that you're not the only friend that has had this separation. That's the other thing. You said she's tried it maybe with other people in your friend group. So not only you and your wife are going to be uncomfortable, but maybe other people, they're going to be like, oh, it's fucking Lisa who tried to fuck me. The wedding is the worst setting.

Absolutely the worst setting. She will wreck, she will, just mark my words. Yes. She will not only wreck your wedding, she'll wreck the experience of everyone at that wedding because the one thing you can be sure of is at a wedding, shit gets sloppy and people make mistakes. It's like an office party. Do not invite this person. Yes. Don't worry about groomsmen. I didn't have a groomsman. Yeah. I have a lot of friends and I'm like, oh,

I don't know how to do a groomsman thing. Like, I don't know how to pick one of these. I don't have a brother. So I was like, so I hired a Jack Nicholson impersonator to be my best man. Great move. And my wife had...

her grooms, like her, um, her bridesmaids were her sisters. But I think like, don't feel like you have to follow that convention. Yeah. You don't have to stand up there with five guys. You know, even if you're like, I think that that's like, it's a weird thing. I was like, damn, with five bros, you can, you can do fun shit. You can throw your own bachelor party. You can do whatever you want to do.

But, like, this is a mistake. This is so crazy. And I know you want to be close with him again, but the wedding is not the chance. It ain't the wedding, brother. As a matter of fact, it may be the worst possible moment to rekindle any relationship. And it's not your fault. This guy, you know, speaking of guilt and going with him, this guy seems like he has weird guilt towards his friend of not putting him in the wedding. This is not your job. Can I tell you something? You know whose job it is to make up this relationship? Yeah.

It's your fucking friend and his crazy wife, dude. That's his fucking job it is to heal this relationship. It ain't you. Yeah, and it's not going to happen. Now, the other version of this that you could do. Yeah.

You rent another room out in the hotel. Yeah. You hire a few sex workers. Yeah. Then you drop his wife in there. You let her... Yep. Yeah, and you tell those sex workers, you say, hey... Talk her this bitch out. Yeah. Keep her occupied from 12 to 7.

And then that's about it. No, you know, I actually love this. Okay, actually we have the solution. You don't put them in the room. You hire them to go into the party incognito. Pretend to be somebody else's wife. Give her some vibes. This is good. Have a couple undercover sex workers. I think you need to do at least three because you've got to cover the night before dinner. You need to basically create...

like a six or at least three or four couples. I say two chicks and one guy just to cover your bases. Maybe she's feeling straight philanderer that day. But I'm trying to say like, oh, she meets somebody at the before dinner. They don't get to go to the rehearsals.

Oh, yeah, but you see, this is tricky. They just get the wedding info. Oh, no. You can't have a groomsman who gets to go to their... But I'm saying, I'm saying, he's not going to be a groomsman. He lost... Oh, my God. Okay, all right. They blew that at UFC 300. Yeah. Okay, when they saw Sean O'Malley knock that guy out and she tried to eat your wife's pussy afterwards, that's when he lost his groomsman privileges. What's so crazy to me also about this, and I think this is the thing that we haven't talked about, but I also go, he...

It seems as if this man who's calling, his wife is giving out no vibes. Right? There would be a different situation where he's like, I'm a little bit nervous. My wife is a little flirty with her. Right. Like there's a thing and I feel like I don't want it. His wife would be fully straight for all we know. His wife is like, his wife is, I...

I'm grossed out by it. By the relationship and I'm not into it and we're not in an open relationship. Yeah, there's no good... This is fucking insane to the point where I'm like, if he wasn't so... If he didn't sound so worried, I would say, is this fake? Yeah. But this sounds kind of real because of how like off-put this guy is. Don't make this mistake. This is a mistake. There's plenty of ways around it. Don't make it. You will regret it. And by the way, okay...

You're saying you want to repair the relationship. How about you hang out with your fucking friend? Catch the vibes. Does he feel like he has anything to fucking apologize for? Is he? He said he brought it up and the guy laughed it off. This isn't your job, man. You even you did more than you should have unless he brings it up.

Maybe, I mean, we don't think you should invite this person to your wedding. And if it comes up, be like, that was really fucking weird. And this is a little bit of, there's a little homophobia here in that, what if a guy tried to fuck your wife this, or your fiance this much? Oh, it would be fucking crazy. You probably would have tried to beat this guy up. But because it's a woman, like, it's still fucking weird, dude. It's the same thing. If it's your cousin, if it's like a girlfriend of yours and her...

husband tried to... And let's say even they were in an open relationship, but a guy tried to fuck your fiancée, you would be... You would not have these people at your wedding, and I think you have to look at it the same way. And the groomsmen think you're so right. Who gives... It's so weird when somebody has... The wife has, like, clearly more friends, and it's just like some guy makes the cut who...

you don't even fucking talk to. Why are you doing that? It can be unbalanced. Who gives a fuck? She can have five, you can have three. Or have no one. Put a dog in a tux. Everybody loves that. I will tell you, no one's going to look up there that you're writing. I know you don't have a bunch of friends, but no one's going to look up there and be like, oh, this guy has no friends. They're just going to think you made a choice. Yeah, absolutely. You made a choice. It's not just a stronger choice. I also think if you hang out with them, you want to repair this relationship,

Guys only trips. Like, that's it. Like, you drive me again. We talked about this idea. It's draw the fucking line. Absolutely. Don't bring it up unless he brings up because it's not. It's not your job. It's not going to go. Yeah. Hilarious stuff. I mean, this is fucking crazy. Wow. Tries to fuck your wife. At UFC. At UFC. That is the type of woman. I mean, I want to see pictures. I do. I really do.

Yo, Stav, what's up? And Elders and Guests and all that. Thanks, man. Bro, I got pussy all through high school, right? Always had a girlfriend. Nice, bro. You know what I mean? Like, went to college, got pussy there. Nice, bro. But I'm going to be honest. I haven't got pussy since COVID. Ah, tough. And I mean, like, before, dude. Like, when COVID hit and everyone had to go over to school, that's the last time I had a girlfriend, dude.

And I've been, like, fucking driving a truck since then. I, like, live in the truck. There's no pussy. You know, I'm not going to fuck a lot with your dude that's disgusting. I don't have to do, because I make a fuckload of money. But, like, I kind of just want to fucking...

Like, kill myself, dude. I'm, like, fucking asexual at this point. This shit sucks, dude. So, I don't know. What's your advice? Like, do I just fucking quit and try to do a different job and get pussy? Or, like...

What? I don't know. Tell me what you think. Thank you, man. This is fucking awesome. Now, this is a base. This is a man speaking from just the bottom of his soul directly to us. I mean, this is a come to Jesus moment. Yeah. But I have some questions about it because to me...

He's neglecting... There are apps that are built on location. True. He's going from place to place. And it seems like he's not saying, I want a relationship. He's like, I want pussy. There are apps that are built for that. And you could hook up wherever you're going, from town to town. Sure. And you could get... You don't have to fuck lot lizards. But it does seem like he is...

There's something going on. There's more going on here. This is a fun... You know what? I mean, I feel you, bro. I've absolutely been here. I know the... I absolutely know the feeling. And what we're discussing here is a little... More than anything, it's a problem of work-life balance. It's really not... He's got the best work. He drives a fucking truck. He can stop in any town and every night. But it sounds like he's not... It's like... It sounds like he is...

Just all he's doing is working. He's making a shit ton of money. So he's probably constantly on the road. Sure. He might be. And look, I don't think I don't think this guy downloads Tinder and he's luring too many women to fucking to a rest stop where he's parked on the side of the road. Like, you know, he's got to say, hey, I'm like, if he's up front about, hey, I'm in town for a little bit. And if you're passing back and forth, maybe it's like, hey, go out for a coffee, meet someone you text.

Like, yes, this is an unconventional lifestyle. There are things about it. There's Uber. You fucking pop. I know those truck stops. Get in there. You take a nice shower. Take a nice shower. Put on a fucking... They all got all kinds of beef jerky. Get some protein. Cheese and beef jerky.

But like take a nice shower, put on some clothes, get in a fucking Uber and go to fucking TGI Fridays. Like, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Like, you know, like he, like, I think that what he's, I think what he's allowing himself to do is be defined by his work. Absolutely. And he's got to, he's got to wrestle that back and he doesn't have to do anything different. He's got to put in some more effort. Like he's like saying like when I was around a lot of people all the time, I was easy to get pussy. Exactly. Now I'm not around people that's hard to get pussy. Oh wow. You got to work harder. It's hard, exactly. It's harder than when you were in college.

Like he's like, when I went to college, I got pussy there. No shit. That's where that's. Of course you did. It's like saying like, I'm hunting chickens, but I won't leave my front yard. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Walk across the street. There might be some more over there. Absolutely. And not only that, he went from like the shooting chickens in the chicken coop to now it's like,

post-COVID, and then he did a job where there is an extra level of difficulty. Of course. So what you have to be honest with yourself here, dude, is like, yes, it's not going to be that easy, brother. You can't walk down, you can't go to the dining hall, grab a cheesesteak, and then get your dick sucked in a dorm, right? That's over. But you're going to have to put some time in, you're going to have to

actually you know match with people location-based apps work talk to them actually get to know them have a personality have a personality in your spare time by the way you do yeah yeah yeah that was funny let me ask you this though please when you get to a certain age i don't know how old this guy yeah it seems like he's right out of college yeah he seems relatively young mid-20s let's say so okay then i'm then i think i may have the answer my question i guess what's going on with mid-20s

Are people out just to fuck? I mean, look, I'm married for a long time, so I can't weigh in on this game. But, I mean, what is the vibe like out there? Is he basically going like, hey, are we in a new phase? Are people fucking that much? I read articles that people don't fuck as much as they used to fuck. That's an interesting question. I mean, so me and Eldis are, you know, we're no spring chickens here. This is 10 years ago. This man's a married man, been in a relationship forever.

Exactly 10 years ago when I was 25, I was a fucking shitty comedian who, yes, I was trying to fuck. I was at bars at night. I was like, and that seems to be out there. That might be part of the problem with the trucking thing. It's like,

Yeah, in New York City, no problem. You know what I mean? In big cities, no problem. If he's matching with somebody in, you know, that's different, right? In other, maybe the middle of the country. Or some, you know, I also think mid-20s, you still might be able to eke out getting some, you know, something casual. But, yeah, people start to settle down in their late 20s and stuff like that. And they're also probably looking at it like, you know, there might be, like...

That's why I think the app is good for him. Some of these apps are like, no, no, I'm just straight down the clown. It's like, fuck and be done with it. Yeah, absolutely. And that's the benefit of those apps. You don't have to figure out where you're at. And it's like, you're on certain apps to have a relationship, you're on certain apps to fuck, and you're on certain apps to be picky. What's that app that everyone's been talking about where it's like, oh, I want someone to put a banana up my ass?

and wear like a dolphin mask. It might be field. I don't know. It might be. I don't know. It's a kink app. That one's kinkier. It might be, yeah. I think that's the one. Somebody was talking about like, but like, I've talked to a lot of people who come out to LA. No, look, you're right. That may not, there might be like- LA, New York's pretty easy. New York's the best city. I mean-

I love this city for many reasons. The hottest women on earth who are interested, the smartest, most interesting, hottest, who will give up pussy pretty quick. Because nobody here's got time to waste. We've got to find that if we like each other, yes or no. I'm not going, you know what I mean? That's the beauty of this town. He's not going to be able to fuck at that pace. Right, right. He's going to be coming in, and again, I don't know where his truck stops are, but he's like, you're coming in to outside of Minneapolis. You may have like four people on that app. But also, here's the other thing I'll say.

A couple things. He's making a lot of money. Is there anything wrong with, like, a short-term relationship where you kind of spoil a girl, take her out to nice... Like, you might not be able to offer permanence here because you're in and out. You live a transient lifestyle. You might, like... Let's say, for example, you...

I don't know. I'm going to theoretically pretend I'm a guy with a lot of money that travels a lot for a living. And if I were one of these guys, I might have a couple friends in a couple cities and we might go get a really nice dinner. No one's expecting me to be a serious partner or this theoretical person, a serious. But it's like, if you're a good time...

People like being around, and women who are looking to date somebody casually, go out to a nice dinner. Go have an activity. Clearly, you're driving a truck.

Like you said, you probably have routes. Yeah. And you can probably pinpoint on those routes. All right, I'm near Chicago. Yeah. All right, I'm near Dallas. Right. And you can kind of eke out and be like, all right, well, you know, next trip maybe I'll do is I'll stay an extra day. Stay an extra day. Make plans. You're making all this money. Absolutely. You also could do that kind of planning. You can also figure out a way to use your situation for good. And also...

You're going to have to up your interest in game. And that's no offense to this gentleman. He's going to have to figure out how to be that good type of guy. He sounds fun, though. He just sounds pussy starved. You just hear it in his voice. And yeah, I think you're fine. If you like this job and you're making money...

You have to adjust. Like Paul said, take a day off. Don't look for a new job. Maybe work a little less. A little less. A little less to give yourself time to be a human being. I can also relate to that. I took this whole year off touring up until I did my first weekend. It's no, it's, you know, I did my first weekend in late September. I've been touring for three years before that, right? So it's like I knew I needed a little break and like to be a human being. Be a human being.

You're not, you're, you're, yeah, it's not going to be as easy as it used to be, but there's, you don't have to kill yourself. Okay. Just, just put a little more work into dating. I, you know, I also say this, it's like, there's something funny about this. And I know, I guess we already said it with the chicken analogy, but it's like, this is a guy who has used to go into the fish store, getting his fish. And now you got to go be a fisherman, which is a harder thing. You got to get, get a lure brother. You got to get a lure. Yeah.

You gotta get some fucking little fucking flies or whatever the fuck. Go fly fishing. And listen, you say you wanna fuck a lot of lizards.

We're pro sex worker on this podcast. Maybe it is it purely just base? Maybe you could spend a little money and help a small business owner. You know what I mean? Like, who knows? You know, like, you just want to get busy. Yeah. Yeah. You're making that much money. It's probably dropping the bucket. Yeah. Then going out to bed. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there you go. We gave you a lot of options there, buddy. Good luck, pal.

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Chumba Casino has been delivering thrills for over a decade. So claim your free welcome bonus now and live the Chumba life. Visit ChumbaCasino.com. We're really helping some people here, Paul. Really? I mean, really interesting people. Yeah. Eldest, you got some good stuff for us, man. I see you fumbling over there. You knew we were ending. Oh, is this the end?

No, no, no. I mean, you knew we were running down on the call, and you didn't really have the next one queued up. I mean, we kind of gave you some pretty clear wrapping up this call signs here, buddy. Hey, Stavi. Hey, Eldis. Big fan. Listen every week. Hell yeah, brother. So I got a question about a friend. He's making music that I don't really like. And he keeps trying to send it to me. I can tell he's really excited about it. Okay.

It's like experimental rap, basically, but it's really not up my alley. And it's especially weird because I'm like a radio DJ, and I kind of have the position to help artists out. Wow. Let's fucking slow down. Pause this for a second. Did you leave this message in 1977? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you work with Casey Kasem? You're breaking some artists on the radio? All right.

Wow, dude, that's fucking crazy, man. Wow, yeah, you don't want to misuse your sacred position of power. 3 p.m. to 6 p.m. on 1077 AM. Go ahead, Eldis. Kind of have the position to...

Help artists out. And what he's doing is just not good for what I do. So what would you do? What would you do if Aldis was pushing his album to you and really passionate about it, really believed it was great? How would you handle that situation with one of your good friends? Oh, interesting. Let me know. Thanks, Bobby. I got a good answer for this, I feel like. Your job as a friend is to support your friend, right? Yes, you're a radio DJ, but at the end of the day,

You don't want to lose a friend because you don't like their experimental rambling, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This might be a phase. You're not the person to tell them it sucks. Totally. Don't be that person. It's kind of like the relationship thing. Yeah. This is kind of as embarrassing as a bad relationship. And you can say, look, I'm all for lying in this situation. Hey, man, I love what you're doing. It's great. I actually shot up the thing at my radio station. And they said, no, but here's the other thing.

Would it kill you to play a two-minute song? Play... How about this? Find some kind of middle ground, right? A bumper on the way out. You know what I mean? Dude, I'm also like... You're playing fucking radio. You go like... Do a thing like this. Go like, hey, it's New Music Friday. Yeah. I got three new songs. You're going to tell me what you like. Let the audience fucking decide. Yeah. You play three songs and then he... You're not making any choice. You're the...

You know what? I like this because you say New Music Friday and you're like, give us your thoughts on those songs. Play two very good songs and his song. Yeah, and maybe you're wrong. And then maybe you're wrong. Yeah, maybe you're wrong. And if you're not wrong, then, oh man. You've done it. I gave you your shot. And if you really want to stack the deck...

Pre-record people shitting on his song. Yeah. That way you're a coward who doesn't ever have to tell him. But yeah. But I think that it's such a neat... It's so easy to be a good friend here, but this is the kind of...

And not you, sir. No, I don't know. The DJ? What do you mean you're a radio DJ? I mean, I really... I mean, really, what is that? Unless you're on like a Spanish language program or like... I feel like no... I feel like that's... And the way he's talking about it is as if experimental rap would be something he could play too, which means...

Because I know that stations are pretty... First of all, Jackass, but it's like... They're not like, oh, yeah, we play anything in my hour. It's like country experimental rap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, Sabrina Carpenter. But I think that there's something about it. Like, you know, it's like... He seems to me to be like... He...

wants to tell him it sucks and that to me is the most problematic thing about it you should be like dude it's great I know what you're saying but what if it's really fucking dog shit great really dog shit here's what I'm saying

if I'm hosting a radio show and I create my new Friday segment, I want some dog shit stuff on there. It's fun for the audience, right? Because it's like, the audience will be like, what the fuck is it? You bring them in on it. You don't go like, hey, that was Taylor Swift. Now here is, you know, two fast tunes.

Saturdays or whatever it is. You don't put it in the mix as if it's a hit. Yes. We're always trying to give an open arm. And then it's fun as a listener. I love his show. I

I fucking hate that song, but I love that I get to voice that fucking song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just would really like to know what his fucking radio, like, do you just have an internet radio show? I feel like if he's like at a proper radio station or something, I feel like the DJs don't even really decide. No, it's programmed. We have friends that do this. We have a friend who works in a fucking, we have multiple friends who work at a rock station and a different station. Yeah, the PlayStations are set.

they make fun of what they play constantly. They literally press play on a playlist and like, here comes Shinedown. You know what I mean? It's like, you can't do shit about that. And if he's doing something more independent, then do it the other way. But it's like, this idea is like, yeah, I have a lot of questions about this. Our call is taking himself too seriously. At the same time, I think I have a little more

empathy for what if my friend does something really dog shit than you do. You know what I mean? Like you, you're like, even if it sucks, incredible dick, put it on the air. I would like to hear it. I mean, look, Eldest literally did used to make beats and he still does sometimes, but they're good. We used, we used one of his beats at the end of my first special. It's, you know, Eldest actually did something good. I remember being like, this is good, but I was just like,

It's funny for me being like, I don't know, man. I would pick a more solid career and I'm doing comedy. And I'm like, don't be a hip hop producer. But it's like, but I, you know, I luckily none of my friends are as untalented as your fucking dumb dickhead friend. But, you know. Here's what I'll say though, to your point. Yeah. I think you're right. I think. There's a line where it's like. Yeah, I think that you notes. And this is why I think people have the biggest problem with in life.

notes need to meet people where they're at. Sure, sure, sure. I'll go in sometimes and they'll be, hey, we need notes on this movie. You can see the movie's done. And I always go like this. I go, what are you looking for? Right. We're looking for, we need to add a scene. Or we are looking for a punch up for this one thing.

And then I go, how about this scene? How about this? I don't go, well, the movie fucking sucks. Right. Right. Because it's not, it's not. Right. Right. I remember one time I saw a movie, a friend of a friend who did it. It was a big director. It was a big movie. And he goes, what do you think of the movie? It's done. It's locked. Right. I thought it was great. Yeah. Right. Because it's like, there's no, there's no, I can't help you at this point. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Okay, great. I'll read that script. Am I going to get in there and fucking give them every note in the world? First of all, and this is all with the caveat thing, I could be wrong. My taste could be off. And that's the other thing. I never want to be that person. I can't tell you definitively this is right or wrong. Of course, of course. That's sensibility. That's taste. That's whatever. It may not be your taste. But meet people where the notes are. If this is your buddy...

Is he really going to start making beats? Is he really going to get out of this job? And you've got to recognize that. And you're like, probably not. But he wants to hear it played. Play it in your car, man. Put the aux, let him hear it in the subwoofer. That'll do it for him, man. Yeah, you've just got to meet people where their notes are. That's a good point. That's a really good point. I think that a lot of people take it on themselves to be like, I've got to fix it. But you also have to realize, A, you aren't the end-all, be-all. Yep.

And just know... This is not a person asking you to be a producer. This is a friend who's going to have a good day. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that's a good point. A friend is making beats. And maybe, maybe... And we know you hate it, clearly. But maybe, in terms of the...

meet them where they're at is there an element you like what's your favorite part is there a sample that you liked is there like a modulation of his voice can you be like oh i like the direction this is taking like yeah you're you're fine dude don't take yourself so fucking watch this be like the only thriving dj but i don't know i don't even know who that is yeah it's like it's all like morning show people i feel like this guy might be in college and he has a radio like a

But if people listen to college radio, I don't even know. I think they might still. Yeah, I think so. Even if they're just kind of cosplaying like radio, it's almost like a retro thing. I mean, well, by the way, you'll find out right away how many people are listening when you play the Friday New Music Day and see how many people call in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are your numbers, pal? I had a college radio show. It would be like five people listening at a time. Yeah, Pussyhawk Live. I remember I would call in.

Wow, look how the tables have turned, Eldest. You used to run the radio show. Hey, man, I'm still behind the board. That's true, actually. That really was kind of our relationship. I would call in and shit on you on your own show. It was awesome. Well, let me ask you this. What would you do?

I think, I think like in a situation like this, I would, I would say, yeah, I would keep it positive. Pick an element that you like. I think it's also a situation like this. Cause there can be sometimes when like someone just like sends you a link or sends you like every single new thing. I'd be like, Hey man, this is pretty good. Are you like trying to get this out there? Are you posting this online? I would like push them, like, you know, try to find other people who like would like this and listen to this and like do

not just sending me like every single new thing well that that's about how to like you know broadcast this to like more people because there are even if it is like even if he thinks it's shit or even if it's like bad or whatever there is people out there who will like it that's a good point you know i remember this is a thing that larry david said i always think about so um

I come to you and I'm like, hey, I'm up for this job. Can you put a good word in for me? Right. Now, you know I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. I'm not going to do a good job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're like, you know what? I have to do the due diligence so you can say, hey, Paul asked me to put in a good word for him for the job. Right.

That's all you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's not like Paul's the best. He's awesome. You're elders, you gotta get Paul. Just so you know, Paul asked me. Paul asked me. And then look at, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you've done it. You've done what he asked. Oh yeah, I told him. I told him, I put in a good word for you. And you can decide on your own. You're not, you're neither, you're not,

You're neither building up nor taking down. Yeah. I'm relaying the message that Paul has me. I think I remember that episode and then, because it's with, fuck, his friend. Yeah.

no no no Richard Lewis he's like hey this guy asked me to put in a good word and Richard Lewis was like okay cool and then he's like what the fuck I hired that guy he sucks he's like he was like you gave him a good word he's like well I just told you he asked me and then it was like it was great I actually looked that up on YouTube it's better than this show um

Yes. And finally, I think you're right, Eldis, in that there is a market for everything on the Internet. And so if you're some high powered radio DJ that understands the industry, you could give him constructive. Like, look, if I had a friend, if I had somebody I knew from Baltimore, that's like, you know, what do I first, you know, what do I do? I want to get a stand up.

Don't do it, obviously. But if someone was even a little more established, and even if their stuff wasn't my favorite, I could be like, here's what I did that really helped my career. Consistency, do this, this, and this, and then the ball's in your court. If you're some radio DJ that's like, tell them, hey man, these are the types of tracks we're looking for. Keep it under this, you know what I mean? Give them vague, vague like... I mean, the way I think about it though too is like,

it really taste is subjective. Like I remember there were so many people shitting on blue collar comedy. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And then I would be like, well, but you think that those people that are filling stadiums,

aren't liking it. Yeah. Right? Like, you know, like, they're not there because they feel like, oh, I gotta, oh, I gotta go. It's like, no, they enjoy it. You don't enjoy it. And that's okay. Some shit's not for you. Right. And it's sort of like, so that's why it's always tricky to be an arbiter of anything. Yeah. Like, people, there are, there's music that I like. Like,

I appreciate future. I'm not the biggest future fan. Right, right, right. But I'm not like popping on future. That's because you haven't had enough bad toxic relationships. That's because you don't mistreat women, Paul.

Yeah, I got you. Like, I go on iTunes today. Every song, every number one, like, the first ten songs are featured. So it's like, that's all. It's just like, I just think it's, like, important to be like, no one is the judge of what can work and what can't work. Because, like, this guy could go, imagine in two years this guy goes off and just fucking blows up and be like, you didn't believe in me. Then that's the worst place you'd want to be in. He could take that L, I think. Yeah.

The odds were against him. You're too positive about this random SoundCloud rapper, I think, is what it comes out of. You're too good a guy. I got to be honest. The guy probably sucks, but so does the caller. I just want to hear the song. Get out in the world.

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at LuckyLandSlots.com. No purchase necessary. VGW Group. Void or prohibited by law. 18 plus. Terms and conditions apply. Oh, you got something nice for us to go out on here, little buddy? Hey, nice question. Just calling in as kind of a victory lap. Okay. So I've been watching your show for a while, and I've been kind of nervous just in general about talking to girls and making a move. Of course. I'm in college.

I met a girl in one of my classes and we hit it off. I read everything right. Wow. I was confident. I believed in myself. Yes. And we fucked. So, thanks, Tom.

Wow. Wow. I love to hear that. I love a check-in. I love a check-in. Because we are trying to do, we're trying to save young men from inceldom on this podcast. Yeah. I try and show if I can do it, you can do it. You know what I mean? Here's the thing. I think what was really nice about that is like, I met a girl, we hit it off, and I read everything right. It doesn't seem like I followed the rules.

around, grocery store. Everything about it feels like this is the way it could go. And he's admitting, I've been kind of nervous to talk to girls, you know, making a move. We've all been there. We've said that before. You have to fail sometimes. You have to make some moves. You have to be nervous. Overcoming your nerves, you will be that much better off the next time. And this applies in everything, not just dating. Anytime shit makes you nervous,

That's good. You fight through that and then you're better off for it. So very happy for you, little buddy. And, you know, I think, you know, what I also like about it, if you're trying to combat incel behavior, we didn't get into the details of how the fuck was. Right, right, right. Very respectful. Very respectful. Yeah, girl. It was way more. Yeah. We fucked. I feel great. Yeah. Yeah.

That's all I need to hear too. I don't need to get in the nitty gritty. That makes me feel good, yes. That's a good person. I love this kid. I love this guy. Also, college people coming in with some deeper voice. It doesn't sound like a college kid to me. I know, I know. Let's get a little snippet again, Elders, just to hear what he sounded like.

Hey, nice question. Just calling in. Yeah, he's got a little... A little bit more. I don't think he's 19. No, no, no. But I like it. All right, you can stop. It's all good, man. Wow, that's great. I love it. I love helping call... I want our callers to be better off than you and I were, Eldis. We've said this before. We were fucking...

cowards in college. I wish I had some, I wish I had a man much fatter than me telling me even he fucked so that, no joke, this would help me. If there was a fat, bald version of me giving a show. It's hard, but you know what, here's the thing. Because we were, no women were interested in us. And it wouldn't have taken much. No. Just a little shove in the right direction. You know, I was nervous. The thing is, is like,

It also is, I think, you don't have to be suave. You don't have to be like James Bond or coming in like fucking Donald Glover or something like that. You can just come in

Just not as a creepo. Not a creep. Nice. And just nice, friendly. And don't take it personal if it doesn't work out. Because it's like, don't jump to, are we going to fuck in this first moment? Right, right, right. Just be like, hey, I'm just... I like you. This is... Are you cool? Can we get to know each other? Even just be like...

we are interacting in a way that's non-threatening. Yeah. And then you'll see and you can see, you can go and yeah, you may misread things and whatever, but I think people are pretty clear now. Yeah. And we're happy for you. And we love to hear that.

let that be less than everybody. Just, you know, believe in yourself. Be nice. Don't be a creep. We're happy this worked out for you, pal. But if it hadn't, you should have kept this positive attitude and on to the next situation. And we encourage call-ins like this, folks. And we'll go out there. In fact, I'll tell you, if you're a loser right now who's getting absolutely no top whatsoever in college, go report back to us

of one interaction that you didn't connect because you got to fail in order to win. I want to hear it, but when you do, give us some details. Not just, I want to talk to this girl and she wasn't into it. Yeah. No, no. We got to see the approach. Absolutely. Absolutely. And know that by getting rejected, you're closer to finding someone that actually wants you. I want to throw down another thing, which is like, I would like you to...

I would like to see the same moves, one rejected, one accepted, because I think that's the trick. People think they have to change up. No, you don't have to be anything different. You just have to be yourself and put yourself out there. Yeah. Go back up at bat. Yep. Yep. Wow. That feels good. And finally, I think we're going to really close the episode. We never got the answer. How old were you the first time you beat off to the internet? Oh, finally. Because we moved on. You had another good anecdote. Oh, you know what? Here it is. Yeah. I think.

I do believe it was still in high school, but I remember what it was. Okay. It was AOL. Okay. They'd go on message boards and they were swapping heads. Ah. So it was like a famous face on a body, but it would come in like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Of course. Yeah. You didn't know what you were going to get until the whole thing came down. Yeah.

I do remember that. I do remember... Wow, so it's a Photoshop of a famous person? They got a real naked body. It was like... Yeah, Photoshop. Yeah, it was the beginning stages where it looked kind of... I mean, it's not... At the time, you... I mean, believe me. I'm like, that's Cindy Crawford. The amount of Britney Spears...

fake heads on like on Playboy that I beat off to when I was like whatever 15 or whatever so I think that was I remember like waiting for that in the chat room and then it went up a little bit yeah it was like there were people that was sharing JPEGs sure but then it also took a while it was a lot of money because it was like you were connecting on dial-up a lot of that CD-ROM was going to yeah yeah

Gotta get in, get out. Yeah, it's so funny. Like, that is truly feeling old is, like, having the CDs that were essentially, like,

internet time. Yeah. It was like, this CD had 500 hours on it. And it's like, man, you got to figure out how to get another credit card to the new account. Oh my God. Our Zoomer, our Zoomer listeners will have no idea what that's like. You hear that kids? We had the ways we used to beat off. You, you wouldn't believe what we went through. Air fresheners and JPEGs. Ugh. Putting, letting Kazaa download overnight. Cause it took a whole night to get a video. Yeah.

LimeWire. LimeWire. Oh, you motherfuckers have it so easy. But we're here for you in the real world. Just like our friend here. Shout out to him. Paul, dude, thank you so much for coming. Dude, the best. This was so fun. Anytime you're in New York, you want to do the show, you let us know. We'd love, you know. I love it. We would love to have you back on. So, guys, go get the book. Read it. Listen to it. Whatever you want to do. E-books, audio books, whatever. Yeah. And go see Paul on the Road if he's coming to your city.

And come see our movie, Let's Start a Cult. I think it's coming out pretty soon. I can't wait for that. Thank you, man. And yeah, we'll talk to you guys later. Bye-bye.

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