#96 - Ahamed Weinberg
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOV. Call in, leave a voicemail, we'll solve all your problems. We got our boy Ahmed Weinberg on the couch. What's up, dog? What's up, man? How we doing? Great, I just took a shit. Nice shit in my apartment. Yeah.

Yeah. But I respect that. He's a visitor from out of town. He's not someone who came straight from his apartment and then took a shit, Ian Finance, and then fucking wouldn't apologize for his absolute lapse in decorum. But we don't have to get into that right now. We don't have to get into that at all. We don't have to get into that right now. This is a man from Los Angeles who's, you know, he didn't have a friendly toilet to lay his cheeks on, but that's what we provided here. And then I had to make a really tough choice because

I had to piss before the podcast, and I had to decide whether to follow your shit or Eldis' piss. And I chose piss, and boy, was I wrong. Eldis' meaty, disgusting piss. Well, I shitted about 40 minutes ago in there, too. Oh, that's what that was. That was my second shit of the morning. Did you say shitted? Yeah.

So Albanian, dude. He said he shitted in there. Fucking idiot. You fucking troglodyte. That's the funniest word possible. That's so stupid, dude. That's the dumbest thing you could possibly say. But that makes a lot of sense that you shit in there 40 minutes ago. Because honestly...

You're all saying you're a vegetarian compared to how unhealthy Elvis is. I should have just followed your shit. I'm a pescatarian, so there's a little of the fish scent coming out. What did you have recently? Any fish? Fish.

What was your last meal? My last meal was pizza. Pizza. Yeah. Okay, okay. I'm a visitor. I just go get pizza. See, so pizza, though, if you go hard enough on the dairy... Yeah, it can be bad. That can be bad. You can have some tough shits, but a fat piss can still be really atrocious. I've pissed sometimes where I'm like, how does this smell this bad? Yeah. Where it smells like you're opening up a can of dog food. You know? Like that first puncture of canned meat. And it's like...

Oh, that's what some of my piss is. You're like, how old is this can? Yeah, yeah. How old is it? How stale is this piss? By the way, your bidet thing, it's so nice. It's beautiful, isn't it? You sit down and it's... It's warm. It's warm. But it's not another human's warmth. It's a robot's warmth. And it starts... I don't know what it's doing, but as soon as you sit down, it starts making sounds. I think it's calibrating for your asshole specifically. It's like clear at the airport where...

You have to scan your ring so it knows each fold of your hole and it can clean in there just nice. No, we're not there yet, but soon. It'll be, yeah, that's the future of toilets. That's the only thing where I'm like, that doesn't scare me about the future. I will give up every civil liberty to have an incredibly clean asshole. Like, usually I'm weird. Like, with security and privacy shit, I feel like I behave the way my friends who think recycling behave.

is going to do anything. You know what I mean? When you meet these friends, they're like, we have to recycle. It's like, it's all getting thrown away. It's not working. And that's how I'm about privacy, where I'm like, no, we can't buy that doorbell camera. They steal your data. It's like, everyone steals your fucking data. But in my head, I'm like, I don't care. I have to, like, do something, right? Yeah. Having said that, if I could biometrically scan my ass and give it to the fucking CIA to get

The best. Give it to, like, a private company, even. Imagine every toilet you sit on. It scans your asshole. Scans your ass. Cleans it. It knows exactly what you want. Cleans it like a whistle. Oh, clean as a whistle when you get out there. It comes out fresh and dry. Great. I'm so bidet. And I'm shocked that you're anti-bidet, Elders. Is that true? I was pro-bidet for the longest time. Then...

I got a UTI that I'm pretty... Don't blame the bidet. Do not blame the bidet. There was a lot going on. It was during a tour-heavy part of the year. Yeah. I am pretty... I was especially unhealthy when this happened. You also don't shower ever. You go seven... You'll go legitimately three days without showering. At this time, I was not showering that much.

There's a lot of traveling, a lot of... A lot of traveling does not bail you off, man. You're in a hotel with nothing to do for like four hours when we travel. There's plenty of opportunity to shower. You're in a room next to a shower. Plus the bidet is going to...

clean you. That's not... Let me tell you how he's thinking. This guy's like, these showers are making me filthy. He thinks the shit particles got into his dick. That's what he thinks. Yes. From the day? I think so. Your dick is too small for that to even be on the table. I think the toilet I was on

The seat was like extra small for my big ass. So that was part of it. That's way more the culprit than the bidet. I think the bidet brand also didn't help. I've used other bidets with like much more precise like streams. What was this? This was just a free for all. Spraying from every angle. Yeah. He calls the bidet. He makes his wife hose his ass down.

He makes his wife stand on the fire escape and hose his ass down while he spreads his cheeks over the bathroom, over the toilet. But ever since this UTI... You're blaming one subpar bidet. Don't you... I don't want to hear a bad word about... I have... Look, the point is now I like...

I don't want to expose myself as part of the 1%, but that is not a cheap bidet, pal. It's the one thing I'm embarrassed about how much it costs. I've been scared to use any bidet since, and I just shower more instead now. I guess that's a silver lining. That bidet worries me because it has a remote control, which I'm a little worried about the cleanliness of the remote. You know what I mean? Because we're not thinking about that. Here's the thing. You're not using your hands.

You're not using your hands to wipe your ass. That's true. You come out there with clean hands. The clean hands use the thing. And sure, you got to take one wipe to get some of the excess moisture out. Not me. Nice, love that. Just leave it wet. Yeah, get sopping. Pre-lubed up with shit water. That is a good point. The bidet, that is a good point. But, you know, we give it a Clorox wipe. You clean the remote. I'll clean the remote. I bet the remote for the bidet is cleaner than your TV remote.

Yeah, that's probably true. If you scanned it. That's probably true. Because Eldest touches my TV remote. That's the big issue. Oh, give me a break. This guy eats a meal of the remote. It's all greasy five minutes later. It's not asshole fucking dirt. I didn't say anything about buffalo wing dirt.

Also, like, remotes are, like, when men are alone watching TV, it's, like, the dirtiest we are. That's true. I feel like you're scratching your dick. Oh, you're jerking off even. Who amongst us hasn't had a nice couch jerk? One left to their own devices. I know you have, Eldest. Hamid, I don't know. Have you jerked off on the couch by yourself? On my couch? On your couch. Or your couch? Well, you just got here. I just got here, but I've already jerked off on your couch.

That would be an alternative. Like, I show up and I'm like, hey, man, I got to jerk off real quick. Hey, man, is it cool if I jerk off really fast? Yeah. And I'm like, sure, man. I just got a new jerk chamber. That's the future Kamala wants. That's so true. That's what I want to talk about today. Thank you. I'm sorry. On September 11th. Yeah. Well, it's probably September 20th. It's September 30th, actually. Oh, sorry. You looked at the wrong calendar. My bad. Yeah.

I actually don't have any tour dates coming up. I have nothing to promote. Sorry, I came on. Oh, man. So when did you start? How long have you been going veggie for? My whole life. Whole life? My parents are vegetarians.

And your parents, I mean, we, you know. You met my dad. I met your dad. He loves you. Great guy. Big fan of your pop. Your dad, like, ruined my day one time. My dad, sorry. My dad ruined my day one day because we went and saw a show in North Philly in a basement. Yep.

And he's always critical of my stand-up. Yeah. In the most, like, precise... That's so interesting. I can't even fathom a world where my parents even understand stand-up comedy, let alone being, you know, critical of it. Right. Well, I mean, I live in L.A. and my parents are here, so when I visit and our time is short, I'm like, hey, come to my show. Philly or New York? Well, if I'm in New York, they usually come visit. Gotcha, come visit. Yeah, but they're on the East Coast. They're on the East Coast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So my dad will come and see me do stand-up and we'll leave and he'll be like, you know, the other comics seem to have a plan. That's so funny. It hurts so deeply. Yes, of course. And I'm like, I'm just working on stuff. And he's like, don't you feel bad for them that you're just like, don't you feel like it's not respectful to just kind of wing it? That's so funny. But yeah, we saw you and he was like, man, that guy, fucking, that guy's great. Yeah.

In a fucking basement in North Philly. Yeah. I'll take it. I'll take it, pops. That was cool. Yeah, I mean, it's so interesting to get... I can't imagine getting, like, fatherly disappointment in stand-up. It's the art form you go to to get away from that. You know what I mean? Yeah. Where it's like, I'm so far away from something my father could ever...

like critique. I mean, he also doesn't understand English that well. Like, like that's part of it. Like he'll get a dick joke. You know what I mean? He'll get like a couple of things we'll cut through, but there's plenty. I'll say if he came to see me, actually, I didn't watch his face when he was there. And I, my guess is my dad probably would understand English.

With Noah Hitch, 45% of my act. And then the other part, he's just like kind of along for the vibes kind of thing. What's a bidet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's Elon Musk?

Yeah, my dad has no idea the references probably. He's just hanging with his boys at the coffee shop. My dad was in L.A. for two weeks staying with me. So we really broed out. That's interesting. It was really cool. Do you have any siblings? I have a sister, yeah. You have a sister. Yeah, younger sister. She's in Philly. She's like a barber. Cool. She's a cool, normal person. Cool, alt-barber. She's got tats. She's got tats, yeah. Nice. Yeah, she's awesome.

She, like, doesn't consider herself as Muslim or religious as me. And she's just, like, living a normal life. Yeah, so you're... She doesn't have the same, like, neuroses. Well, your parents sort of doomed you to... If you're a neurotic person, it's like, there's so much going on with, like... Because your dad was, like... I love the story of your dad is a Jew or born Jewish...

Converted to Islam, right? Converted to Islam, but it's like Sufism. Do you know about that? It's like mystical, cool, hippie Muslim. There's a lot of Jews who became Sufis. That's interesting. Because Jews are cool and Sufis are cool. The pipeline's pretty good. But this was in the 70s and...

Boy, did he not see how things were going to go. Boy, did he not pick right. He's just smoking weed in a VW Buggy. He's like, I'm going to do something cool that's going to appear countercultural in the future and will have no other repercussions on how people view me. I know, and now it's like... He literally thought he would be looked at like a guy who loves fish.

And now people are like, he's fucking Muslim. It was the Grateful Dead of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. I could absolutely see that being like, if you're an extreme jam band guy who wants to take it one step further, you're like, I'm a Sufi Muslim. You know, like... I mean, the sobriety of it was very appealing to him. He grew up in like a real hippie household and he was doing like...

like psychedelics at a young age. He grew up in a hippie household or he was a hippie in like a rebellious way? No, his mom was a hippie. Wow. Yeah. Wow, that's so interesting. I mean, his parents split. Like my dad, my grandfather on my dad's side was not as much of a hippie as my grandmother. Yeah, just in. He was a

in for a little unencumbered pussy on summer vacation. My man went to a couple fucking concerts, got blown a little bit. He was like, all right, I got to get out of here. After a while.

Come on, man. Well, okay. My grandmother wasn't a hippie when they were together. They're from Brooklyn. I see. I see. I see. And they were both just like Jews. Gotcha. My grandmother got caught up in that world. Gotcha. Gotcha. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. It wasn't like they met at a Grateful Dead. I see. I see. I see. But my grandmother did become. But she had it in her. She did. She had it in her. Yeah. No, she started after the divorce. She moved to like Cambridge outside of.

and then she became like a real hippie. Dated this guy Gandalf for a while. I'm not even kidding. I met this guy. Dude, that's so interesting to think of like being from two generations of hippies and like you meeting your grandmother's boyfriend Gandalf. Yeah. That's awesome. I did meet him. And he looked like a wizard. Fuck yes. And he had a staff.

And the staff was like covered in trash and stuff. And they're in Cambridge. Isn't that where fucking Harvard is? Yeah, but Cambridge was like big hippie town. Okay, college town type shit. Yeah, that kind of shit. Interesting. When you sign up at WorkMoney, you could win $50,000. With the average renter paying around $2,100 per month, that means you can have rent covered for a whole year and more. So you can be more. And when you're more, that means you get more.

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Go to warbyparker.com slash covered to try five pairs of frames at home for free. warbyparker.com slash covered. Yeah. So was Gandalf like your step grandfather? No. Or was that later in the mix? I mean, they were together and then my grandmother, you know, my dad moved to Philly. Gotcha. Gotcha.

There's a guru that he got kind of involved with. Cult, you mean? No, no, no. Like a traditional, if you know about Sufism. Guru just means priest.

Well, it's more than that, you know. Right, right. It's definitely more than that. But you know what the fuck I'm saying? It's a priest. It's like their guy, right? Guru? No, in Islam, like an imam is a priest. I see. A sheikh. A guru. Guru is the wrong word. Guru has all these implications. Yes, yes. The real word is sheikh. I got you. I got you. So it's not, yeah, it's not like a...

In the 70s, there were a million gurus and people of this kind of ilk, but this guy's like a sheikh, which is a more traditional thing in Islam. Sure, sure, sure. He's just a very learned, wise man. So he's like a scholar that people would go to, but he doesn't lead...

prayer sessions like a priest or an imam would. Is that what you're saying? No, he wouldn't lead the prayers. He's just like a religious scholar that people would go to for advice and shit? Yes. Interesting. Almost like one-on-one sessions. Yeah, but he would do it one-on-one or there were people, groups that would be there and he would talk. Almost would be congregate. Congregate.

He would maybe give sermons about religions, kind of like, I don't know, a fucking priest. Okay, but closer... Closer...

Closer in stature to a pope, I guess. I see, I see. A bishop maybe or higher up. Something higher than a priest. Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Not your common priest. I'm not trying to dodge something. I'm just trying to explain it. You're like trying to trap me in a corner. I know, it is the most semantic argument that...

We're not even disagreeing. I'm just like, come on. It's a fucking priest. That's one of my good pretty might be a good, but better priest or whatever, but okay, whatever. Yeah. He's a little bit more than a priest, I guess. Yeah. But he just got into this kind of, this is very interesting too. So,

Were your grandparents together most of your dad's life or was it like they got... No, it was young when they split up. And he grew up in the hippie kind of zone. Yeah. And would grandpa just... Did he go second family without a... He went second family. He moved to Maine. Took a mulligan. Became a Buddhist. Wow. Yeah. So he was like, this fucking hippie shit's too much for me. I'm going to Maine to be a Buddhist? Yeah.

What the fuck, dude? Yeah. That's so interesting. He's like, I don't want to listen to this priest. I'm going to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he built a Zen dojo up there. What the fuck? Got really into Buddhism. And that's your dad's side. What's mom's side like?

Because you're talking about your dad's side. It's like both grandparents are fucking, are kind of strange. Yeah. And they were just like, you said Brooklyn Jews, like they were first generation, second generation immigrants that just were like too much of this shit? I don't know what generation. I know that my, so my grandfather on my dad's side worked in film. He was like a prop master. Oh, cool. Interesting. That's fascinating. Yeah. So I've got that in me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was cool, dude. He was a legit prop master and worked on a bunch of famous movies. He probably made some racist props, huh? We're talking the 30s, 40s. He probably made some fucking hilarious stuff. Yeah.

I had some good ones too. He also made Soap Float in a couple commercials and things like that. I think he worked on The Godfather. I think he was... Whoa, that's sick. I know he worked on Annie Hall. That's awesome. Maybe he did the cocaine that...

Maybe that was the powder. Maybe he brought powdered sugar for Woody Allen to sneeze cocaine. Maybe he had to procure real cocaine. Yeah. Yeah. He had to get real coke. Yeah. That's pretty interesting, dude. He has cool stories. Yeah. You should have him on the pod. Yeah. What's he up to? Can we zoom him in? He's up there with his second wife just chilling. Dude, I would legitimately love to have your grandfather on the podcast. I'm not kidding. I want you to know my whole family, actually. Dude, I would love...

I would. I'm not kidding. I would love, tell your grandmother he's got an open invite to this podcast. Cut to like all of us at dinner and they're like, God, Savi's such a great comic.

A hobbit just goes up there. He has no idea what the fuck he's doing. Which, by the way, it's hilarious to have that criticism of you. And it's like the show your dad saw was like, I had just gotten back from Greece. I think I was in the middle of a breakup. I was definitely just doing bullshit. I was definitely just crowd work, getting through it. It was better than my bullshit. The thing that I had a plan is fucking hilarious. But, oh boy, I got some gigs coming up.

Me too. Those are going to be tough. I don't know what the fuck I'm going to do. Yeah. I haven't written. But anyway, this is not a... We don't discuss... This ain't Marin. This ain't talking about the craft. No, this is back to your weird grandparents, which are fascinating. It's super fascinating to me because, yeah, that's so much interesting divergence in like a pretty short amount of time. We're talking like... Because up until then, they... Everyone...

And it's so fascinating because you'd love to be able to go back a couple more generations and be like, were those people rebelling at all? You know what I mean? Because that's clearly in, it seems like it's in your DNA almost to have it be for them. I mean, it must have been so hard to be, I mean, just being a prop master probably as a young man coming out of like a, I'm guessing kind of traditional immigrant community. That's probably a weird thing.

I think he was always like an artist and wanted to be an artist. Gotcha, yeah. And he is an artist. I mean, he's a great artist, but the prop stuff was just like money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it made it like, yeah, he could have a family and all that stuff. Cool. Interesting. Yeah, there's some good prop stories. And then what about your mom's side? Anything strange? Are they regular people?

No, they're not regular either? Well, I mean, my mom's from Irish Catholic. Wow. She's one of 10 children. Wow. And my grandfather on that side was in the military. Gotcha. And he was in the Air Force. He was in like, what are they called? The Flying Tigers, like a pretty famous World War II. Cool, that's awesome. Damn, planes in World War II. Yeah.

His jacket, his flying jacket is in our closet. And the inside lining is like a map of China. Wow. In case he went down, he would have like a map. Oh my God. Holy shit. Yeah. So he was just doing like missions across in Asia, basically. I don't know like all the details of like his whole like service. Look at World War II Flying Tigers, Elders. Yeah. Do a little fucking producing. Thanks, man.

This guy's got the dirtiest asshole he's ever had. Three fighter squadrons of around 30 aircraft each. The first American volunteer group of the Republic of China Air Force. Oh, so he was helping the Chinese? Interesting. And then fucking recruited under President before Pearl Harbor. Their mission was to bomb Japan and defend the Republic of China.

That's pretty fucking cool. So was he in China, I guess? I guess. So you're pretty close to this part of the family. Cool.

I never met him. Or maybe I did when I was really young. But yeah, my mom's older than my dad. So her parents died before. Yeah. I didn't really know them very well. Oh, okay. Your mom's older than your dad. Yeah, 12 years older. Your dad's fucking cool, dude. Dude, he's the... Getting an older lady, being fucking cool Muslim. He's on some weird shit. I love it, dude. He's breaking every societal norm. Yeah, he didn't have acid when he was a kid. Yeah.

live a crazy life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That now he's like, I don't know what I did. Yeah. You know. Whatever, he had a good time. Yeah. That's how people who live regular lives feel. Right. You know what I mean? Like, everyone has that thought process. Anyone after enough years of marriage is just like, fuck, what do I do?

How did I end up with all these responsibilities? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like debt. I know. You just wake up and you're like, fuck, I have to make this many decisions. Like, I feel that way. I have no responsibilities. Yeah, you're recording this in your house. Yeah, yeah. How did this happen? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Damn. And so they were just like, so they were like, you're going to be. And was your mom on any kind of mystical shit? Or was she just like. Yeah, that's how they met. Oh.

Yeah, my mom, you know, one of ten children, Irish Catholic, and then, like, I think was very religious, but did not like Catholicism at the end of the day. So she was, like, she was a hippie also, but in a much more, like, less druggy, like, more into, like, health, food, and stuff like that. How'd she feel about vaccines? Into them. Yeah, yeah.

I know. I love that aspect of the pandemic brought like hippies and fucking... And drummers. And the drummers like together from completely different angles. But to the hippie... To hippies like credit, they've been on it. They've been against that shit forever. They've been on it. Yeah. No, my mom... My mom has breast cancer and she's been doing alternative treatments and stuff like that. Oh, fuck, dude. So I was...

I wrote her Steve Jobs shit. Yeah, like she's into that shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? And she was in L.A. for a long time and we would go to this like cool like new age cancer treatment center in Irvine. And this was like Trump people. Oh. You know, who are anti-vax, anti-this, anti-that. And she's the first Muslim they've ever met. Interesting. In their lives. I think she completely changed their perspectives on Islam. Yeah, well that's not...

That's who you want to send? Yeah. A Catholic lady? Like, who switched up? Like, who switched up late? Like, whose mom, like, a blonde lady? What does she look like? No, she's, I mean, she wears a hijab. Oh, wow. Yeah. Holy shit. She's real. She's, like, real hardcore. More than your dad, would you say? Way more than my dad. My dad's a Jew. Yeah. Really, at his heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. So my mom's, like, a Catholic Muslim. Right. You take Catholicism and apply it to... Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Catholics and Muslims are pretty similar. Yeah.

Yeah, in their, like, strictness. Yeah. And then my dad's, like, this Jew-y Muslim where it's like, you know, I don't even know about this shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad made this decision on acid, like, to follow this shit. Not on acid, but close enough. Right after. In the aftershock of, like, maybe six years of heavy acid use. I don't, yeah. Three. Three.

Something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, my mom, I get it though. My mom made it very sober. Totally. And she's like, I do feel like the Catholic people who I know and the like Jewish people that I know, if like, unless they're like Orthodox or something, Jews are, that's one of the biggest selling points of Judaism. Yeah. Pretty chill. Oh yeah. Pretty, not, no hell. No hell. No hell. They're like, oh,

even the religious ones where they're like, you're not supposed to use electricity on shot, you know, Shabbos or whatever. They're like, all right, we'll just hire a guy to turn the TV on. Like, it's like, come on. God doesn't fucking see through that little loophole. You hired a fucking Mexican guy to press start on your fucking DVR. So you can watch curb or whatever the fuck like that. Hire a guy. And then they are like, Hey, can you order postmates for us? Yeah.

There's like a thousand loopholes. There's so many weird, hilarious loopholes. And you're not supposed to eat meat and dairy, and then they came up with lox and dairy. It's like, okay. Thank God, because it's delicious. But even from the start, there's a million. They're like, we'll just have two different plates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll still do it. Even the ones that follow the rules just find loopholes. Salute. But yes, that's very interesting. So, wow, they just are like, all right.

I mean, you want a white lady in a hijab to be like, yeah. To be down there and be like, yeah, I don't like these vaxes either. Yeah, and they're like, hmm. Oh, wow. We didn't know a Muslim was also... Yeah, it could be so smart. As smart as us.

Wow, that's fascinating. Yeah. Wow, and so, and they're both vegetarian, huh? Yeah, well, they're pastor. They're pastor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, wow. They go to him for counsel on his diet, too. Definitely not a priest, doesn't sound like. Sounds like some different type of guy. Well, he was, I mean, the whole thing was, like, very communal. And, like, there was a lot of food being cooked for everyone and stuff like that. So he's from Sri Lanka. Cool. And he's, like, very into, like, the Hindu diet and that kind of stuff. So, yeah, I grew up vegetarian.

From the jump. You don't remember a time where there was ever meat served at home or anything? No. Nowhere close. And we wouldn't eat at restaurants that served pork. Wow. Like, if there was pork in the oven, we were like, no. So you had to go to halal places or kosher places, right? Yeah, the funny part is we were so, like, this type of thing that we had to, like, support Israel. Like, we would go to, like...

We would literally go to this place called Shalom Pizza where like everything's from Israel and we were just like, it went so far in the opposite direction at some point. Yeah, yeah. I mean, in Philly, is that because you were in Philly? Philly, yeah. Because I feel like there's, I mean, here.

This neighborhood in particular. Oh, yeah. There's like a hundred halal restaurants. I just passed the Gaza Deli. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, brand new. No, dude, there's a line of white people outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, believe me, there's some shit. This neighborhood is... Let's just say this neighborhood does not share the views of the mainstream media. We'll put it that way.

Which I love about. I know. I love it. I love about New York. After October 7th, being in L.A., it was like, oh, my God. Yeah. This is Israel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this, I mean, truly, this neighborhood is like, we just, I mean, some of the best. There's a ton of different Middle Eastern, like, cultures here. And, like, also the restaurants are out of control. But, yeah, over there, they call it, like, legit call it Little Egypt if you go that way, you know. Yeah.

And there's some good food. There's some good food. No hog, brother. Dude, I love it. What was your favorite dish? What's like junk food as a little kid? Oh my God. This is like embarrassing. Please. Please.

I'm like legitimately just a soy boy from the get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, you know, I would eat all this Indian food and all these curries and stuff. And then I love this Israeli pizza place. Yeah. But when I was a kid, I loved eating raw tofu. Wow. It was...

Embarrassing? Yeah. Even then. Raw tofu. Even when kids are just like, yeah, I eat shit. Yeah. They were like, ew. I eat plain noodles with just butter. Plain noodles? I used to eat plain noodles with ketchup.

Yeah. I had a weird ketchup, like, obsession. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would eat raw tofu with ketchup. Interesting. That's so gross. But I also loved, you know, pizza and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But my... Yeah, the embarrassing part. Yeah, I guess that's true, because I guess I'm thinking as a little kid, it's not like meat was that... I mean, I loved lamb. I mean, this is the most Greek shit. I think I've said this on the podcast, but what...

One of the first baby videos me, my parents took was like I had one top tooth, one bottom tooth, and I was eating a lamb chop off the bone. I couldn't talk, but I was like eating lamb chops, like not little cut up pieces. My parents handed me a lamb chop. That was your first word was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking love them. But I guess as a little kid.

Where'd you grow up? It is Carby stuff, Baltimore. Oh, okay. We were right there, bro. Yeah. All three of us were, we didn't know it, man. We could have been hanging out, having fucking, I remember Eldest showed me the butter and sugar sandwiches, a true broke ass treat in hot dog buns.

No, we did that. There was a phase I did cream cheese and hot dog buns. Cream cheese and hot dog buns. Yeah. Yeah. It was nice. I was poor, but Eldest was poorer. So I always felt like a king walking into his fucking disgusting apartment. And then he went to the Burbs. What happened? Why'd you leave? My family just wanted a house. I wanted to move on up, dude. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's fun as a kid. You just combine things you like into one disgusting thing. Totally. Yeah. Oh, dude, I mean, I would be cheffing it up. Although I would make... I got really into making my own, like, double-decker ham and cheese sandwiches where I would make... I would baste them in butter and I would just fry ham and cheeses and then I would fucking put, like... It was a club sandwich. When I'm, like... This is when I'm, like, nine. When I have use of the kitchen... Uh-huh.

Ooh, and we had a TV down there, and we had the little thing where you could... You know, on the Nintendo, there was a cartridge you could plug Game Boy games on. So this is right when Pokemon was the shit. I would make myself like...

five ham and cheese butter-soaked sandwiches and just play Pokemon Blue for fucking four hours. It was so sick, man. Those were the days, brother. Yeah. I don't know about you. My mom, she started being very strict with everything, and then it eventually just dissipated into chaos. But yeah, we didn't have cable TV. We didn't have...

I couldn't date. Like, I couldn't, like, do anything. Interesting. No dating. No dating. Yeah, just because she's very... Your mom wasn't on that hippie shit. She was on more of the mystical shit. Exactly. Because your dad doesn't seem like he would care about you dating or doing anything weird. Doing anything weird. You know, like, doing drugs and shit. No, he was really against drugs. Like, when I was, like, smoking pot in high school and he found out, he, like, freaked out.

Because he thought I was going to just do heroin. Right. Immediately. But he did it. That's the thing that's always so annoying about the hypocrisy. It's like, come on, guys. You've been here. Like, I have friends who were, like, such pieces of shit as youths. Yeah. And then, like, have become, you know, been better off. And now they're, like, in the suburbs pretending to be Republican. And it's like...

Right. You were a fucking delinquent. Like, you think other people shouldn't have the same chances to do dumb bullshit and then, like, bounce back like you? Well, they don't realize that that's why they're, like, who they are. Right, right, right. It's like you think that, like, these drugs are just going to, like, turn you into, like, a fucking loser. Right, right, right. But it's like, no, it turned you into who you are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were just a loser. Yeah. Yeah.

You were already a loser. It wasn't the weed's fault. I remember my mom caught me. I just gas littered to being like, no. My mom caught me like buying, talking about a weed. Like I was going to buy a bunch of weed to just stop.

Stop with this nickel and diming bullshit. I was going to buy a couple ounces. You were being smart. I was being smart. I was going to Costco, essentially. And she caught me just... I was brazenly just on my phone in the computer room being like, yeah, okay.

all right, $250, like, I can do that. Like, you know, just talking. And she's like, what were you talking about? I was like, I was buying liquor from, I was like, my lie was that I was buying another substance I wasn't allowed to have. I was buying $250 of liquor. Literally, dude. That's what I told her. And I just gas lit her. And I think she was just too scared to be like,

Oh, man. Because I was always, like, good for better... You know what I mean? I had good grades. She could depend on me. And I think she just was like, I can't even deal with if he's doing something fucked up. And I guess she just was like, he'll figure it out. She just kind of gave up. She just was like, that's fine. She was like, you know what? She just didn't bring it up. She gave you a scale. It was almost like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did use her Weight Watcher scale to weigh weed on. Yeah, I sold weed for a little bit. But...

Yeah, man, those were beautiful, beautiful days. You know, you got to let your kids make some mistakes, folks. This is the parenting corner. I'm the last guy anyone should listen to about fucking, you know, any of that shit. But yeah, my dad, he one time one time I came home and he had like raided my entire closet. Oh, wow. Looking for my weed. Like he was so upset about it.

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And I was like also, you know, eating meat like

Like, I was eating meat in high school at the same time, which I was also hiding. Rebellies. In the same way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like, I would, like, I had to, like, sneak it into my bedroom. Oh, you would eat it at home? I would, yeah. Would you eat Slim Jims and shit? No, I never ate red meat, but I was, like, just sneaking chicken up there and stuff like that, you know, eating a nice chicken fajita burrito. Nothing wrong with that, brother. With the window open, with a fan in the window. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You got a spoof. You're blowing out chicken into a fucking... Yeah, what was that? The paper towel thing? Paper towel with dryer sheets. Yeah, laundry sheet. You're blowing out fajita. Fajita breath into one of those. And like hitting a joint and just blowing that into the room. Yeah, you're covering the chicken smell with weed. With weed, yeah.

Just so my dad didn't smell the chicken. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man, that's so fucking funny. And you so you just what was the chicken rebelling? You were like, I just want to try this as like I was just working at this restaurant, you know, and I was I was a busboy for a while and a cashier and all this stuff. So I was just like, I would go through all the vegetarian things on the menu in a week. Tired of it. Yeah. And then just be like, all right.

Time for some chicken. Yeah, yeah. I had a cheesesteak once. Ooh, Philly. Yeah, it was really high, and I don't really recall. It didn't make me sick, which was good, but I definitely didn't, like, fully experience it. I was, like, too high to really... But I remember staring at it and being like, am I doing this? Like...

Having one of these coming to God moments. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The me thing, I had real guilt about it. Sure, I get that. I also got really high one time in high school, and I went to Wawa and got a hoagie, like a tuna hoagie, because I ate fish, and I accidentally hit the bacon button. Oh, okay.

And I'm in the backseat of my friend's car and I'm just like really high and like halfway through this thing and then being like, damn, this is so good. This is the best sandwich I've ever had in my life.

Really? I called my mom. Was it a legitimate mistake? Yes. You're not even just like lying to yourself this whole time? I'm not lying to you. I would never lie to you. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. Because that's big. I called my mom and I was really high and I was like, I just ate pork. Like, what do I do? She was like, it's okay. Say these prayers. I'm just in the backseat of my friend's car just like, Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim. Like, just like...

My friends are listening to rap just like eating pork and I'm like having an existential crisis. I know I feel bad, but man, is pork delicious. And they're smart too, dude. I feel like a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah. I feel like a piece of shit. Will I ever stop eating pork? I don't know that to be... I don't think I ever will. Maybe, maybe at some point. But every once in a while... I've cut down way... Like pork used to be a super go-to. Yeah. But it's like...

I don't respect birds at all, so I eat a lot of turkey and chicken, like a lot of ground meat and stuff. But I've also been eating a lot of red meat. Cows I feel bad to, but they're not as smart as pigs. And they're so delicious, man. You ever have a ribeye, you let me know. I will. One day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Today. Let's go get ribeyes. Let's do that right after this. I would do that. Yeah.

Cancel the rest of the day. Yeah, yeah. I got something at 3. We got enough time for a ribeye lunch, dude. No, I mean, I think I would still feel the guilt. Yeah. You know? And it's not even about the animals, really.

really. It's just like a baked in... Interesting. It's not about the animals. It's like failing your family type shit? Failing your religion? When I was eating chicken, I was never like, oh, these poor birds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was more just like some baked in... If my parents weren't who they are, I think I'd just eat anything. Because I don't have that... So you're still letting that guilt take that much of... Well, now it's just like...

You know, I don't know what it is. It's like it's also a habit at this point. It's like you've lived your whole life. I was still a virgin right now at like thirty five. Yeah. It wouldn't even be because I thought sex was right. Right. Right. Right. It would just be like it's kind of mutated into itself. And it's weird. Some weird thing. But I guess at the end of the day. Yeah. So you don't care about the animal. Not really. Just like letting your parents down. Is it even the religious aspect?

I mean, I guess at the end of the day, it's like, sure. If I'm like, yeah, I think it's a better probably lifestyle. But that's not it. That's not what we're talking about. We're not talking about at the end of the day. We're talking about like, what is it in you that doesn't need me? What's that? Yeah, that thing that's like...

I think it's just more like a habit. Yeah. And like, just like a way I'm just used to it. Inertia is very powerful. Inertia, yeah. The thing you've done your whole life. Yeah. And just anytime you break a habit that big, there is, I get what you're saying, there is kind of like a built-in guilt of like, I mean, I felt that, I haven't felt that in a long fucking time, but like that initial break of like,

Not living the way my parents wanted me to. Like that initial like, I'm not going to fucking college. I'm not finishing college. I'm not getting a real job. That was really tough for me. Yeah. But ever since then, I have no, I don't really have, I mean, sometimes family stuff still gets to me in that like, I'm like, fuck, I need to like do something for them. Because like, I don't know, that's built into me where I'm like, yeah.

These motherfuckers, I gotta, you know, my shit's going well and it's like I just want them to do a little better. But it's like, you know, I can't help worrying about my family. But yeah, I don't know that there's any kind of like, I don't know. I think I'm free of most of the hang-ups, but I don't know. Who knows? I mean, it seems like most...

You know, white people, like, tend to just, like, leave their parents and, like, never talk to them again. Yes, yes, yes. And their parents are like, great. Right, right, right, right, right. Wow, they're, like, so independent. This is amazing. People call in and talk about, like, can't, you know, I want to have a kid, but I don't know if I can be responsible for them for 18 years. And I'm like, 18 years? Yeah. Like, Greek people, it's like, my dad lived with his mother until he got married. Yeah.

It's like your mother hands you off to your wife and then they still hover around you forever. They're still there. Yeah, yeah. And your mom's still cooking you food. Yeah, yeah. And I want that, by the way. I do want my, like, I want my mom around. I want my, you know, I want my brothers around. Like, cousins for Greek people and, like, other immigrants, it's like...

It's like a sibling, honestly. Oh, totally. They're so close. And if my brothers have kids, my kids and their kids, that's not... A cousin is like a... Whereas, yes, American white people, it's like a cousin is lower than a guy you work with. You know what I mean? Right. A cousin is like, oh, yeah, that's actually my cousin. Isn't that funny? It's like, what? It's like your friend's dog or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a dog you really... Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a cool dog. Like, a dog that's well-behaved. Yeah. You're like, oh, I guess they're feeding that thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I definitely, like, I think because growing up in this Muslim community, like, I have that real, like, family... Yes. ...thing, and I want to take care of them. Yeah, so were your friends growing up, like, Muslim kids? Like...

Well, there were a lot of Muslim kids, but then a lot of, like, my parents and their friends were the same type of person. Right. Who, like, converted or... Right, right. It's not even that these people would even consider themselves Muslim people.

in a way what was he called Sufi Sufi yeah they would just be like oh I found this teacher and it changed my life right you know it's like the idea of being like a label and stuff is like not even what he was about yes yes yes you know but at the end of the day he was yeah but at the end of the day they built a mosque yeah they built a mosque he got to fuck everyone's wife a couple times no no no

The way to reach higher consciousness is everybody gets a turn in the tent and whatever happens, happens, and we don't talk about it. I don't condone this joke. Wow. I'm not laughing. What's the point? I kind of respect that guy if he didn't fuck everybody's wife. He didn't. That seems to be the point of...

starting a thing like that is you get to fuck everyone's wife at least once but I'm not accusing him of that I don't want you know any kind of magic terrorism to happen to me he pulls out a it's like you said they're like it's more like mystical it's like some guy pulls a bomb out of a hat okay I'm done that's very racist

In your mind, I'm like, I'm the kid in the back of the car who's high. I'm like, I just ate pork and I'm just putting a curse on everyone's family. Yo, it makes sense you think that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my frame of reference for mysticism. It's almost more embarrassing that what I could come up with for mysticism is like a guy pulling a rabbit out of a hat than it is being racist towards Islam. Yeah.

I mean, Islam, like the only representation we had for a long time was Ahmed the Dead Terrorist. Of course. Cranky anchors. No, no, no. That was... What was his name? Dunham, of course. Dunham, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. That was the guy he paved the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So much nuance. Skeleton. Yeah. Wearing a turban, which isn't even... I know. It's not the right thing. That's not what Muslims wear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he goes, I kill you. Oh.

I know. Like, that was it. And everyone was like, ah, yeah. I rewatched it recently. I was like, this shit. I mean, it's so funny. Yeah, yeah. Just in its ignorance, it's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've got to give it to him. It's like, you just had no issue pulling that guy out in, you know, hundreds of theaters, like, sold-out theaters. And right after the Mexican pepper. Yep. You know, this guy. Yeah.

This would not fly nowadays. Are you kidding me? This fucking guy would be doing arenas now. Oh, you're right. It would be the biggest fucking act. It would be insanely popular. It would just be...

Five protesters outside. And he would just be talking about how cancel culture is trying to get him, trying to stop his art. Jeff Dunham would love to rail again. You look up Jeff Dunham cancel culture. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'd love to see his thoughts on it. I wonder what he's up to. Oh, hell yeah. The tour is called Still Not Cancelled. I mean, thank you. How is Jeff Dunham not retroactively cancelled? Shut the fuck up on Reddit.

He hosted SNL. That's hilarious. I mean. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Oh, still not. That is so annoying. I love the SNL. SNL is always having hosts who are just like. I know. I told Rami. I was like, there's the same. Like, people want Rami to say free Palestine in the same way people wanted to say. Wanted Shane Gillis to say retard. Yeah.

That is so true. There's the same, like, are they going to say it energy, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, like, both crowds got exactly what they wanted. They got what they wanted. Smart. You're right. I didn't think of that. I was just like, let's see if we can get a couple rabid fan bases tuning in. You know what I mean? No, a thousand percent. Like, a little controversial. That was cool, though. I know that's insane to think about, but there is... Growing up, there was a time where...

A guy could say free Palestine in the middle of a conflict on NBC. That was not going on, man. Like there is there is a I mean, there does seem to be a shift in the thinking of like, I don't know, in a way that doesn't there was no discussion about that.

you know, Israel and Palestine ever in any way, in a way that it does at least seem to be like, Hey, can we just look at a few objective facts here? I mean, I guess it's harder. There's more stuff on the internet. There's more, you know, reporting going on and it's like the shit going on is so brazen that it might be different, but yeah, you know, then at the same time, it was cool that Shane said retard. I, I'm the kind of guy that liked both equally to you. It's the same to me.

It's just as important. Both literally made me as happy, and it's just as important for society. Lauren's going to call me. He's like, would you eat a ribeye up there? Yeah, we need a Jew Muslim vegetarian soy boy to eat. Honestly, you check a lot of boxes. Yeah.

But the group of people that would be like really excited about that would be like you. It would just be me again. Maybe they're making decisions based on me. Yeah. I literally love those two guys were my favorite SNL hosts. I went on Birthright. Oh, yeah.

Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. So my parents, like, I mean, I was, uh, I was in high school and I was a virgin. Yeah. And then I was in college and I was a virgin. I was like, this stuff's getting, this is getting tough. It's getting weird. I can eat meat, but yeah, this is harder. Way harder. Way harder. Yeah.

And my roommate, you know, was like a very like Jewish Zionist guy. And he was like, dude. Where'd you go to school? I went to, well, I went to University of Vermont, but then I went to Temple University in North Philly. Yeah, yeah. And he was like, dude, you should go on this trip. Like, you'll get laid. Yeah, hell yeah. That's pretty much the whole sale. Yeah.

Which, I gotta give him credit. That's how it works. Zionists know what they're doing. They're like, that's what teenagers are interested in. A thousand percent. As complex as Birthright. When you start looking into Birthright, it gets crazier and crazier where you're like, oh, it's actually funded by...

evangelical Christians for the most part who want Israel to be a Jewish state so that when God comes back the apocalypse can happen. Yes, yes, yes, yes. That's actually what's happening. It's so funny how many extreme right-wing Christians support Israel for biblical reasons. For the wrong reason. For the reason that

The best case scenario is the world ends. Well, they're all going to die. Yeah. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to breed Jews for Israel to kill them off. To kill them. So God comes back and saves the evangelicals. So that's their... Yeah. Yeah.

And they'll be on a ship in the sky floating above the burning city with Jesus. Like, yeah, we did that. We did it. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you so much. Thank God we got those nerds laid. Yeah, thank God. Thank God those 19-year-old losers got pussy from prostitutes in Tel Aviv. Now this is possible.

So you went, huh? And you, even though you were like, it was just like, I just was, uh, you know, you get that Weinberg last name. They're not looking to, to, to, into what else? That's all you need. Yeah. That's all I need. I mean, I went to the like Hillel center. Uh,

I was like, I was raised Muslim. Like, I gave them. I was like, here it is. Yeah. I am Muslim. I was raised Muslim. My dad was raised Jewish. I have a lot of Jewish friends. My last name's Weinberg. Your mom's not even. Yeah, so I'm not even Jewish. So in Jewish tradition, you're not even Jewish. I'm not even Jewish. Yeah. Yeah. And I think your dad has to be Muslim for you to be Muslim. So I'm like zero. You're nothing, dude. I think. Yeah.

Can you look that up? I don't want to say that if I don't know. Yeah, yeah. But they were like, yeah, please. To them, it's a chance to convert. Oh, dude, get a Muslim back? Dude, I was going to be on the brochure. We saved this guy. He was almost on the wrong team. But that's another weird thing is that, like, I never, until Israel, right, I don't feel like Muslims and Jews...

Didn't get along that much. No. Like, I feel like they were there. They all, it was just like different types of Middle Easterners. Yeah. And like before, you know, Zionism. Right, right. Muslims and Jews. They were pretty similar. They were chilling. Yeah, yeah. You know? And there wasn't like a. Definitely Europeans didn't like Jews a lot more than Muslims did. For sure. Not even close. And I'm sure there's examples of Muslims being mean to Jews. Of course, of course. In those like diaspora situations. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But overall, this situation started with this Zionist issue. I don't mean to get into it. No, no, we don't have to get into it. But I want to hear more about... But I do think it is funny because a lot of Jews just were Middle Eastern guys. We think of Jews as like... Yeah. You think of them like European or Polish or from wherever the fuck. Lithuanian Jews and shit like that. But I do feel like...

They were just a different type of Middle Eastern guy. Like, half of Jews were just like, you know. Yeah, they just looked the same. Yeah. Yeah. They totally do, by the way. A thousand percent. But so you're over there on, and they're like, great, we'll get one back. Yeah. Here's your one-way ticket. Here's your, you know, ticket to. Go, go. What was it like? I mean, it was incredible. Yeah. I was fully brainwashed. Really? Did you get pussy? No. Ah.

That's why I'm so pro-Palestine. I was like, these motherfuckers.

The food was alright. It was a fun trip, but come on! Come on, man. I gotta go back home. Still a fucking virgin. I mean, I was like... It was also just like the trip of a lifetime. I mean, you just go and... Especially if you don't travel a lot as a kid, too. It's like, if you're from a... You know, like, that's kind of sick. I did travel, though. Oh, you did? I went to Mecca. Oh, wow. I went to Turkey a bunch of times. Holy shit. Like, I've been to like a lot of Muslim places. Interesting, interesting. But I think like growing up as like...

a Muslim in America. Like, it just... I didn't have, like, this... During a really cool time to do that. During a really cool time. Yeah, we're the same age. 9-11 happens in 6th grade, right? Dude, yeah. And I was like... I mean, I'm white, so it really didn't matter. Yeah, and your name's Weinberg. My name's...

But that was the first time I experienced any Islamophobia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was the only Muslim in my school, so it was like, I didn't... They're like, I guess we'll have to be racist to him even though he's white. Yeah. Even though he's white and kind of Jewish. Well, they would literally be like, oh, yeah, fucking Barack Hussein. Yeah.

And I'm like, I'm sitting right here. What are you talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There were like real like, you know, I went to like a private school because I grew up in like this part of Philly. My parents didn't want me going to the public school system. Sure, sure. Hey, we went to, I went to Baltimore City Public Schools. My parents weren't cowards.

Yeah. They sent me, dude. I wish they sent me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because, yeah, I was growing up and there were like all these rich kids and, you know, a lot of them had these baked in perspectives about Muslims and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it got weird, but it was never that bad for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because I'm white, I think. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. They were just like, oh, he's like smoking weed, so he must be cool. Yeah.

We saw him put a little bacon on that fish sandwich. He's good. They saw me press the button. They're like, it's working. We're getting him.

Damn, dude, that's fascinating, going to Mecca and Turkey and all that kind of shit. Yeah, but it was never, like, I think the thing I always... They were family trips, though, right? Family trips and trips with other, like, hippie Muslim types and things like that. It's an extension of... Like, experiencing these things, like, as a kid was, like...

You know, I was bored quite a bit. Of course, yeah. And you're in Mecca and you're, like, experiencing the most incredible thing in the world, basically. And I'm like, there's no pizza here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to play fucking Game Boy. I want, yeah. They don't get MTV. Yeah, yeah. You know, and I, of course, like, now I think I would go back and, like, have the most amazing experience of my life. Because I'm, like, really into this stuff. Yeah, yeah. As an adult. Are you religious now? Yeah, I'm pretty religious. Cool. Interesting. Yeah.

Um, but you know, not maybe as much as some of my more traditional Muslim friends. Cause I grew up in this like, yeah. Sufi. For the Sufi. For your, yeah. For my community. Also compared to everyone in like comedy or entertainment, you're, you might as well be a fundamentalist. If you just even sort of believe in God. Even if I say I believe in God. Yes. Yes. That is true. But, um,

Definitely, like, these trips were, like, religious trips. And I was like, ah, just, like, just want to be, like... It's like when they show a movie in Sunday school, it's like, okay, it's still about fucking Joseph and his Technicolor dream coat. Right. It's not a good movie. Right. It's like, it's still boring. Like, yeah, yeah. I had all the same feelings. You had a religious vacation. It's not a real vacation. Yeah.

Yeah, a thousand percent. Whereas like Birthright, it's like their whole plan is like, let these motherfuckers have the best time of their lives. A thousand percent. It's a recruiting trip. It's like you're a star wide receiver going to fucking Alabama for the weekend. You know what I mean? Like that's what it is. That's the whole, yeah. We're like, you know, even when we would go to the like...

to the Florida Keys when I was a kid. Like, we would do that. And it would still be, like, you know, women in bikinis on the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blow my mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, blow my mind, and my mom would be like, we can't, like, this is too much. Wow. You know, there's too much, like, thongs and stuff. She'd be like, this is too much. Too much temptation of the flesh. Yeah, let's go back to the hotel. Let's pray. Oh, wow.

That's crazy. Not like that crazy, but she would get uncomfortable. And your dad's like, I don't know. Maybe we could chill a little bit. Have a bagel or two. My dad's like, we are facing east. What do you think about it? He's got his prayer rug, but he's just bowing directly into a woman's ass. It's east.

I remember seeing a woman's bikini top fall off and like seeing a tit when I was a kid and just being like, this is the greatest experience. Best day of your life, dude. Yeah. Seeing an accidental titty. Yeah. I saw, I remember that same thing at like,

I was pretty young and it was like the Greek festival and it was like hot and like a girl was like not wearing a bra this like you know I was like 10 and this woman was like probably early 20s and she just kind of like leaned and like I could just see like her tit from like that you know her tit kind of popping it wasn't even out you just could kind of see her nipple and I was like that memory is like burned into my head now yeah it's 25 years later and I'm like I remember I remember that she was wearing a red top I remember

I remember that she, like, I don't know who this woman was, but her face is like, I could draw it from memory, like, in a way that I don't remember other people's faces. It's crazy that we had that kind of childhood and then suddenly the internet. We were the last bastion of... And then porn. Yeah. And then it's like, I went from, like, seeing one tit to, like, the world. Every tit. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Well, this is all beautiful stuff. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You have any more birthright thoughts? Because I think we're ready to... Are we ready to take some calls? We're ready to take some calls. You know, we've shown the... Live from Tel Aviv. You have a background, yeah. You have a mystical, religious background to really help. We haven't really given that to our audience.

Our callers, our friends here. So I think you're bringing a fresh perspective to Stavi's world that we could really use. Do you want, is there any more thoughts on Birthright? Anything fun happen? I don't know. Just being brainwashed and just being like. You come back? Yeah, I came back and I went to my parents and I was like, I'm Jewish.

And they're like, okay. I figured it out. I'm Jewish. And they're like, I think you just went to a place where they're telling you... How sick it is to be Jewish. How sick it is. And they're like, you can live here for free. Like that kind of thing. And you can just... There's a whole life here if you ever want it. And everyone loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the best thing in the world. And then my mom was like, you know...

I think you should look into what's going on there. Yeah. Yeah. One Google search, you're like, yeah, I don't know. I said, say no more. Yeah.

She goes, you know, there's pussy on the other side of the wall, too. Your mom dropped the whole act. She's like, look, we can get you laid. If that's what it's going to take, we can get you some pussy. Just stop with all this bullshit. Do you have anything you want to plug here at the midway point, my friend? Just follow me on Instagram, Mohamed Weinberg. There you go.

Come to my shows. Follow, come to the shows. Very funny gentleman over here on the couch, folks. Thank you. When you sign up at WorkMoney, you could win $50,000. With the average renter paying around $2,100 per month, that means you can have rent covered for a whole year and more. So you can be more. And when you're more, that means you get more. And more. And more.

Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at WorkMoney. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at WorkMoney.org slash MoreRichContest for your chance to win $50,000. Yeah, Elders, why don't we take a couple calls here? What do we got? Stavi, Eldo, love you guys. Not playing. I'm sure you're an awesome person if you're on the Stavi show. Stavi, Eldo, love you guys. Stingy.

I'm sure you're an awesome person if you're on the Stobby Show. I called earlier and I left too long of a message, so I'll try to leave this one a little more brief. This one's so long. Basically, in high school, I was dating this Guatemalan chick and took her virginity. Okay. And she, you know, we dated for about six months afterwards. And when we broke up, she stalked me for about two and a half years. And...

Yeah, I finally got rid of her. You know, fast forward almost 20 years later, I have a wife, I got three kids, you know, my twins are seven and then my oldest is nine. And I created a Facebook so that I could share pictures with the family and stuff like that.

First thing that happens after I create it and put pictures and all that is I get a message from my stalker that says, I don't know who she is, but I envy every drop of her. I'll see you soon. Oh, God. And I showed my wife, and she obviously wants to call the cops. She's very worried. She thinks this girl is...

Out of her mind, crazy. I mean, it's been 20 years and she's still on that. That's crazy. Obviously, she's got a screw loose, but in my personal opinion, I dealt with it for so long. I've done all that stuff. When I call the cops, when I try to escalate it and try to get her to stop, when I get angry, it only feeds into it and she ends up getting even crazier and doing crazier things.

So I think the best thing to do is to ignore her, block her on Facebook, just don't give her that attention and just let it just die out like that. My wife is not happy with that. We've been going back and forth for a while now, and I just, I don't know what to do, man. I'm just really concerned because...

Has to pat himself on the back. Pause this. There's no way.

Your dick has anything. This was high school. She was a virgin. You think you laid it down so good. You don't think this is just a mentally ill woman, an insanely mentally ill woman. That's so fucking cool to be like, dude, it's just the hard part is I fucking dicked her down so good. I dicked her down so good on an air mattress. Yeah.

At 3 p.m. before my parents came home. I gave her the time of her life at the back of a Hyundai Elantra. 45 seconds at a time. All right, let's finish. Yeah, it's got nothing to do with the fact that we kept talking. Yeah, yeah. After we broke up for so long. Anyway, let's finish this one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What? Why do you have that? What? You have videos and pictures of her? From 20 years ago?

Please tell me you mean you have videos of her being weird, not you kept sex souvenirs from high school. He's basically saying... Which might be child pornography. That's what I was thinking. He's like, don't worry, she's got nothing on me, but I do have a lot of child porn on my phone at the current moment. Ha ha ha ha!

Don't worry. I got her dead to rights. I have vintage child pornography to show the authorities. If we're ever in court, don't worry. I will pull that out, and I won't even run it by my lawyer. It'll be like a surprise, like at the end of SVU.

Okay, so did he say they kept in touch? Yeah, it said for two and a half years. He said they dated for six months, and then he says she stalked him for two and a half years after they dated. But he said earlier we kept talking, right? We dated for six... We broke up. Oh, she... Yeah, after they broke up for dating for six months, she started stalking him for two and a half years. Okay, okay, never mind. So this is crazy that...

If this was 20 years ago and they had no contact, that he makes a Facebook and she instantly finds him, that's kind of fucking wild. Yeah. I mean, I kind of see both sides here. Well, first of all, if you have any pictures of her as just underage, if you have any pictures, delete them. That's not leverage. That's not...

That's weird as fuck, bro. That is so fucked up and strange. If I think about somebody I fucked in college and keeping a new... That was legitimately 15 years ago. That's so strange to fucking have. I don't have... I think it's weird. We've talked about this on the show before. I think it's weird to keep...

from old relationships in general. I think it's kind of fucking pathetic and a little creepy. But 20 years from high school is like illegal. 20 years? Wait, so how old is this guy? I'm trying to... I mean, he's probably our age. Yeah, so I didn't... I didn't have a... I don't think I had an iPhone. Yeah, I didn't either. This man's got a Motorola Razr with fucking... With 17-year-old tits on it. What the hell is that?

This guy's got a Nokia with pussy pictures. He emailed them to his fucking Gmail. Literally when Gmail was invented. Of a digital camera. I've got a Hotmail account with some pretty incriminating photos on it. And I understand why his wife is a little freaked out. This guy will not get rid of these photos. Like, that should be step one. Okay, so that is fucking crazy. I do think...

He's probably right in that for the time being, you just have to be like, we have to ignore this. Hope it goes away, right? This is a fucking crazy person. Does this person live near you? For the time being, I wouldn't go to the cops. First of all, you think the cops are going to be helpful? It's insane to think that. Like, it would have to be pretty... You have to get down the line to get cops involved. Like, you call the cops right now, they're just going to be like, hey, buddy,

I get it. They're just going to be like, okay, but she didn't really do anything. See you later. You know what I mean? Like they're not going to do shit. A thousand percent. So I think you're right. Ignore her. Definitely don't reach out to her. Definitely don't talk to her. That's crazy. And you just have to have like, you just kind of have to be on alert. And if anything pops up, then you go to the cops. I mean, there's no, there's no real way to go around this.

Don't mention the pictures to the cops. Don't bring those up. And yeah, I mean, you have a wife and three kids. I get where your wife is coming from, but you, I think what you need to say is not, let's just ignore this, but like, hey, I'm with you. I want to deal with this as, you know, swiftly and right as possible. But we don't have, as annoying as it is, we don't have any evidence right now that this woman is going to like, she just made vague threats. Yeah.

Hopefully we just ignore her. I'm as freaked out as you, but in the past, if I ignored her, it went away. And the more attention I gave to her, the more it got worse. The second that we can go to the cops, I will. But right now, this just doesn't make sense. I get your wife's scared. You've got twins. I mean, that's already scary. Yeah. And then you've got this, like, threat. Yeah. And then you've got the cops where you're a guy...

saying a woman is stalking you, they're going to be like, fucking lucky. Yeah, pussy. Nice, dude. Have you thought about sexually assaulting her and getting away with it because we don't really do anything in that scenario? I mean, a restraining order? Is that like a thing that makes sense in this scenario? Yeah, I think if...

But I just think at this point, a vague sort of, I'll see you soon. Like it is freaky. Yeah. But I don't think the cops were going to do anything for that. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like especially now where so many people get bullied online. Yeah. You think cops are fucking checking out every weird message you're getting from someone on the internet? No way. Yeah. So yeah. And they're definitely not going to respect a man getting stalked by a woman probably. But,

But you have a family, whatever. I think if this woman makes any kind of in-person contact, the second she does that, and hopefully the photos and videos you're describing are her being crazy, and if you have evidence of her being insane, the second she actually becomes any kind of a real problem, I think you go to the cops. I just think right now it might be a little premature to do that. And I think you're right. Block her. Ignore her. You know, you have...

you've dealt with this in the past and then like, you know, if, if hopefully it doesn't happen, but yeah, then go to the cops, maybe talk to a lawyer at this point. Sure. Cause they, they actually know the law. They're not fucking a few idiots on a podcast, but talk to a lawyer about this kind of thing. They might be able to give you actual useful information.

advice on how cops behave around this kind of thing. Or if you have a friend that's a cop or just somebody that can either confirm or deny our hunches here that the cops aren't going to be useful right now. But yeah, I think you talk to your wife that way and say, hey, I want to get this dealt with. Let's ignore it. Let's block her. And the second this crosses any other line, we'll go to the cops and

And then, you know, I think your wife is probably like your wife thinks you're not doing enough and don't show her this podcast. Yeah. Definitely don't. Honey, I'm trying. I'm working on it. Yeah. Yeah.

I haven't gone to a detective or anything yet, but Stavi, he's all over it. But we called into Stavi, and by the time he got to it, it's probably four months after I called in. So don't worry. Yeah. I think that's true. I think, like, take it to some version of authority. Show your wife that you care. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take a step. Maybe talk to somebody who understands these proceedings a little better. But, yeah, I don't know about the cops yet.

This woman is out of her mind, though. For sure. I mean, 20 years later, stalking someone who has a fucking family. I also... I wonder what this guy did, maybe. It's like, did he do something fucked up to her? Like, are we getting, like, only one side of the story here? He, like, even being, like, took her virginity... Like, it's like...

I mean, I guess that's valuable information. Maybe she's like, babe, I popped her cherry. That's why she's so fucking crazy. Popped her cherry with his sweet ass dick. What can you expect, babe? I love the version of him telling his wife, like, she's obsessed with me because of my dick. And his wife being like, that's not it. That's not what's happening. Good luck, man. There does seem to be more, but whatever. That is fucking scary. That's scary.

Hey, Stavi, what's up? Listening to you for a while. This is my second time calling. I have a different situation this time. Okay, here we go. So I recently matched with this girl on this dating site. You know, she's very cute. She might be a little bit heavier set. Not like super, like, you know, she's just short. She's just short, but she's got, like, really nice pair of knockers on her. Oh, this is what I'm going to say, but that's awesome. She has a four-year-old son. So I'm like, all right, cool, you know.

We all got things. Totally unnecessary. We all got our crosses to bear type shit. Sure. We've got our crosses to bear. Yeah, a child, human being. This guy's perspective on children is terrible. It's awesome. He's like, yeah, I got this girl, a little thick, kind of fatter than I like, but huge tits, has an annoying fucking son, but hey, some people are born without their fucking, you know, right foot, so whatever. All right, let's see. Anyway,

He has a four-year-old son. So I'm like, all right, cool. You know, we all got things, you know, we all got our crosses of bears. Um, like me, I don't pay my taxes. Uh,

And I'm talking to her and I really, really, really, really want to just smash her and then call it a day. You know what I mean? Because she's got some really nice pair of knockers and pretty decent ass. But then, you know, over the course of talking because we haven't even met yet. What? Because we barely matched like last week.

She's talking about she wants a relationship, and then in the future she would hopefully want a relationship. And not even with me. You know, we're just kind of discussing intentions and things like that. That's awesome. So then I pretty much just told her what she wanted to hear. How do I go about, like, smashing her a few times, but, like, still not flying for that stepfather role? Come on, man. Not...

Getting in too deep. You know, I really appreciate it. Come on, you piece of shit. I love you, man. Let me know what you think. Hey, man, this woman made it so clear what she wants out of a relationship. She communicated with me like an adult. I don't know. I've been lying to her, but what else can I do? Lying's good, but it's not enough.

I haven't had sex with her. I don't know how much lying I'm going to need to do to get there. And then how do I get out of this? Because I've obviously been lying to someone. I mean, what does he even want? I don't understand. Because he's just doing what's necessary. He's lying and manipulating a woman to fuck her. Which we are against, by the way. We don't think you should do that.

You clearly just want to fuck this woman. She said what she's into. It's not what you're interested in. Don't fuck this lady unless you do have a change of heart and are going into it being like, you know,

Maybe I do want this. You clearly don't. You don't want a relationship. You don't want to be a... You said stepfather, which, by the way, she seems so much more mature than him. Is she even asking for that? Or is she just like, can we... I want to date with the intention of a relationship. She seemed like the kind of person who wouldn't want you to even meet her kid until it was even more serious than this. You know what I mean? Like...

Don't do this, man. Unless you want to stalk her for 20 years. And she would actually be well within her rights. Well, no, stalking, you're not within your rights. But, you know, she would be within her rights to be pissed off at you and want to get back at you. It sounds like the missing part from the first call. It does a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, but yeah, dude.

What even do you want out of us? What advice do you want? You said you told her what you wanted to hear. In general, I will say that is not good advice. Now look, am I going to sit here and tell you that as a younger man, I haven't done similar things? No, I'm not going to do that. Okay? But I don't know how old this guy is. Part of maturing is like,

It's also like, what are you going to do? You're going to fucking... Let's say you have sex with her. The second you nut, you're going to feel bad. She's going to feel attached. You're going to feel guilty. It's going to be messy. What's even the point here, dude? Get out of here. Date somebody who wants what you want. Especially someone who made it so clear what they're looking for as a relationship.

It's just not going to feel good after you fuck her. There's nothing good. Nothing positive will come from this. Trust me. Yeah, not worth it, man. Yeah. You're going to have sex. The kid's going to jump in the bed. He's going to get in there. He's going to be like, do you like Transformers? Yeah. I'm Megatron. My favorite's Megatron. Who's yours? You're going to have to look in this kid's eye and be like, I'm lying to your mother. Yeah, it's like, dude, I'm just trying to fuck your mom. She has big ass tits.

Get off my dick, kid. I'm not going to be around. I'm going to get three more nuts off Max. I'm going to leave before Christmas. I am buying you fucking shit. Don't get your heart set on a fucking other toy just because I nutted in your mom a couple times. He's saying this and she can hear it. She's like, you're right next to me. What are you doing?

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. So anyway, your options are don't date her and keep lying to her or do it, feel bad, get guilty, and like deal with the fallout. I say don't deal. We don't have some mythical third way where you get to fuck her and not feel bad, right? Doesn't exist. Right. So those are your options. We suggest don't fuck her.

Or, yeah, say you want something casual and she'll say no. Right, yeah, that's actually... That actually is the mature thing. Because, yeah, who knows? Yeah. She made her intentions clear, but she might be willing to settle. I mean, probably not. You're so... You're clearly dumb as shit. Yeah.

But who knows? Her life might be so bad, she's like, you know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. And by the way, that exists. Women are out there. Even women... Like, we've talked to people who they had single moms and some of them want to, like, get something serious and have somebody steady. And other women have looked at it where they're like, just me and my kid. I don't want some guy around, but I want to get some dick. Like, that exists. And also, there's women without kids that want that. Like, you just have to be...

The clearest thing you can do is just say what you want. It's hard, but it's cowardly not to. What else, LD? Hey, Dov. I got two questions for you, unrelated to each other. Number one, I'm the commissioner of my fantasy football league, and the dudes are about to start coming in. Nice. Am I allowed to use that money to gamble with? You know, just a little parlay here or there on some NFL games.

Making me money? Like...

I want some advice and also can you do a bit about this specific thing? Do you need a bit about how it's okay for me to steal from you?

Here's how I feel about the Patreon. If you have the money, pay for it. If you don't, steal it. I don't give a fuck. I really don't, right? I would prefer, like, just listen to the podcast. I've been there before where I didn't have money and I didn't pay for shit and I stole shit. And then when I got money, I started subscribing to stuff, right? Like...

It's not a matter of... It's just a matter of if you want to steal it, if you... Now, if you have the money and you steal it, you're a piece of shit because it's like, yeah, it's a service you want, so you should pay for it. I get it. Subscriptions pile up. $5 here, $5 there, but, you know, someday we're going to start paying Eldest a salary, and that's only going to be possible if people actually pay for the Patreon. So far, he's doing it for college credit. He's going for your internship. Yeah.

He's going back to get a communications degree in 35. But in terms of the gambling on NFL games, with your friend's money, by the way, okay, this is kind of interesting because you're essentially talking about, this is what banks do, right? Like your money, banks use it, but you know what happens?

you get a little interest, right? So if you're going to use your friend's money to gamble, right? And you, which by the way, you're not going to win. I love how this is some world where he wins. What's going to happen is you're going to pay the $900 out of your account after you lose this money, right? But in some fantastic world where you won on this, you know, your parlays hit and you made $2,700, you know, you triple your money. Let's just say you double your money, right?

That's fine. But since you use their money to gamble, you should pay them a little interest the way a bank does when they invest your money. So 5% or something. You know what I mean? 5% of your winnings. 5% of your winnings should go back into the pot. Yeah. That's what I think you should do. Especially if you're going, you know, you obviously cannot steal $900 from your friends. That's clear. If you lose, you do have to put it back. But if you win, give them a couple percentage points.

I like how he can rationalize paying $900 in gambling losses, potentially, but not paying $5 a month for Patreon. For a podcast he likes. That's like how many hours of extra entertainment. But whatever, man. I don't give a fuck. I actually feel pretty good. I feel like King Solomon on that one. I feel wise. I feel like I gave him great advice there. Do you think you should tell them that he's doing it? No. No.

No, we shouldn't tell them. Also, it seems like he has $900. Right. This is kind of semantic, right? Because it's not like, it's just in your account. They're both, it's just electronic money. If you lose $900, do you have it to pay your friends with? Right, right, right, right. If they want their money back. Yeah. Yes, this is really only a dilemma.

It's like when you have roommates and they pay you the rent because you pay the landlord and you're like, whoa, I have $4,000 in my account. Right, right, right, right. Right, right, right. Yeah, exactly. It's like, no, you really, yeah, exactly. It's like, what are you even talking about? So, yeah, you're right. What does it matter? If you have the money to pay back, you're not really gambling anymore.

It's a strange question, but yes, if you use that particular electronic money and you win, you got to give him a couple percentage points. Good call. Oh, fuck, dude. Is it time? Ahmed, how do you feel about getting twisted, man? What do you mean? Whoa, what the fuck's going on? Holy shit. What's that sound? Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck. Keep it twisted. Holy shit, it's time to keep it twisted. Pause it real fast, Elvis. Shouldn't we bring the fucking twisted teas in here? It's right there. Holy fuck, it's time to keep it twisted with the twisted tea hotline question of the day. The twisted question of the day. We're still working on the name of the segment. If you're gambling with your friend's money...

Make sure to drink Twisted Tea. Well, no, we have a... Twisted. We have a Twisted... The Twisted Tea question on the Twisted Tea hotline. Again, we're going to work on the name of the segment. But Eldis made this little song. We made that drop. Let us hear the drop again, Eldis. Keep it Twisted. Okay.

And, you know, you can take this home, man. Wow. This is for you, brother. I'm sleeping on the street, but I'll take it. The Twisted Tea Game Day Pack. And we have a question here that, you know, a bit of a twisted question from one of our elders has assured me it's a twisted question. And let's hear what our caller is wondering and, you know, maybe our wisdom and also some of the wisdom from our friends at

at Twisted Tea, which by the way is one of... It's brewed with real iced tea. I don't know if you know this. It's 100% organic. It's brewed... I don't know about that. I don't know that we're going to make that claim. The good folks of Twisted Tea are paying for this segment. Sorry, sorry.

It's locally sourced. No, no, no, but it is 5% alcohol by volume. It's a delicious, delicious treat to enjoy on game days, not on game days. And let's see what our pal here has to say. Hey, Scotty. I'm in a bit of a pickle right now.

So I play in a beer volleyball league with a bunch of friends. I think you mean you play in a twisted tea volleyball league in a bit twisted. Twisted. Volleyball league with a bunch of friends. Go ahead, Elders. Volleyball league with a bunch of friends. And a guy on my team expressed interest in me. Oh, very nice. He's a little bit...

on the shy side. So he never really made any aggressive moves, never bought drinks, nothing like that. Never bought maybe a twisted tea. Keep it twisted. Well, you want to get some pussy, you got to offer a buy lady some twisted. Some twisted tea. Take her on birthright. Okay, so he never took you out for some twisteds. What else? Never really made any aggressive moves, never bought drinks, nothing like that.

We did end up going out to dinner twice. And after the second dinner, we went back to my place. Oh, back to your place. And the only thing that happened was that he asked permission to hold my hand, which is, of course, very sweet.

Very innocent. Tough second date back at her place. Can I hold your hand? That's not twisted. Keep it twisted. This guy needs to keep it more twisted than that. Twisted teak. No, no, no. Actually, yeah, maybe we should blur these out during the...

During the ad readout. No, this is good. We're learning what we're doing. Twisted tea. No, don't mention any other brand, Dom. Just twisted tea. Twisted. No, stop.

Stop. All this is being cut. Bleep out everything he's saying and say, in fact, put in him saying twisted tea. And yeah, we're going to have to blur the cancer or put, put, put, put fucking twisted teas over twisted tea. Non-brand twisted tea. All right. Sorry. No, no, no. It's all good.

Very sweet, very innocent, but at the end of the day, that's just not what I need. Sure. Different problem for a different day, whatever. Since then, things have simmered down quite a lot, and I've lost probably the majority of my feelings for him. So it's over and done with. We're friendly. It's fine. We still play on the same team. Not a big deal. Fast forward to today.

We still play on the same team and now his brother plays with us too. You know where I'm going. Sounds pretty twisted. He's hot. He gives me attention. It's like little things where we're sitting at a table and he'll make sure his leg is touching mine. Like that kind of stuff, you know? I don't know. Sure. But I just have a thing. I just, I have a thing.

Okay. Relax, lady. Pussy's so good you destroy a family? I don't know about all that. Implode?

I know I'm not that great, but like, I don't know how this stuff works. If they never talk again after this, like I would never recover from that. I feel so guilty. That's nice of you. There's no way. Yeah. He's like, he's like, yes. Okay. So the plans at play, I pretend to be,

I pretend to be a huge pussy for three months and then I softened her up for you, man. And now you go in there and then fuck her and then we'll do this next. They do this. They go to volleyball league, the volleyball league. It's like the prestige. One of them switches off every time. What should we do this time? Should we do the hand-holding thing? Should we do hand-holding pussy?

Makes way for Alpha Mystery Brother halfway into the season. Should I act like a huge piece of shit and then you're the hand-holding guy? How do you want to work this one? Okay, but at the end of the day, go ahead. Leave. I'm fine leaving because I don't want to ruin up the family dynamic. But at the end of the day, I just don't know. Yeah.

anyways, um, love you a lot. Be well. This is a nice call. This is sweet. This is a sweet gal right here. Keep it twisted. This is a sweet gal trying to keep it twisted. And which, what we're going to do, we're going to help her keep it twisted with the, with the help of our friends at Twisted Tea. First of all, I'd say maybe crack open a delicious Twisted Tea and think it over, you know? Um,

So I know you're saying that they definitely have talked about it, but I also could see... I mean, I do wonder what these brothers are like. Yeah. You know, because it's like... The thing is... The one guy is so kind of like...

I don't know. It sounds like kind of a cute little dork that maybe he doesn't. And maybe this is the dynamic. Like I could see this being the way their lives have gone. Yeah. Like not knowing enough about these people. Right. Kind of going on the dark. I could see it being that kind of thing where it's like, also, how many times has that happened where, um, like, I feel like sometimes there are people that you meet, like,

Or one of your lame friends is talking about a girl that they kind of want to smash, and then you'll go to a party, and you hit it off with her because what the girl liked about him is just the portions of your personality your lame friend was stealing or something like that. You know what I mean? Like when a group of friends has like a similar...

almost like culture or like... We had a guy that we grew up with that wouldn't let us meet his friends in college. And it turned out he was straight up just stealing our inside jokes and trying to be funny towards them with shit me and Eldis were like saying. And so like, I wonder sometimes there is... Or you'll see a meme of women saying that where they'll be like meeting my boyfriend's friends for the first time and realizing I picked the loser in a group or something like that. Like...

That happens to people sometimes where this brother, his cool mystery brother that came in might just be the alpha version of him. Right. And he might have been losing girls to him his whole life. So, you know, we're making fun of her a little bit, but it's sweet that she's even worried about that. I guess my thing is this isn't really about you. It's kind of about them, right? Like...

I mean, if the guy... I wonder if the answer here is to just kind of see what happens. And if the guy pursues you, that's kind of out of your hands, right? You know what I mean? Like, that absolves you of all guilt, in my opinion. Not that you should have any guilt, really. Because, like, if a guy on your team, just that they're brothers, is that really your fault? I mean, you went out with this guy. It's not like you completely rejected him. You went out with him, and it was like...

You just didn't like him. I don't know. It's tough because, you know, you're dealing with men. We've been listening to these voicemails. Right, right, right, right. Guys that are like, I'm lying. What do I do next? Like, what's the next step? I'm betrayed. Like, that's base level. Yes. Just like being a dude trying to get laid. Yes, yes.

to a lot of guys. For sure, for sure. So it's a tough situation because even if you ask the cool brother, hey, would this be cool? Yeah. Would your younger brother mind? I've had women lie to me. Right. Like it's just kind of, you never know. No, it's regular. I've seen one that looks like that. Those kind of lies. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, oh, no, he'd be totally cool with it. It's no problem. Like, we already talked about it. That's not too much red hair on a penis, that kind of thing. Yeah, I've experienced that. Yeah, yeah. I know what you mean, though, yes. But you know what I mean? Yes. And then later it's like, no, I'm sorry. I actually didn't talk to him about it. Yes, yes, yes. And actually he's pissed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually he's in love with you. Yeah.

I actually went to talk to him about it after we fucked and I saw a shrine with your hair in it. Yeah. He seems to be, he was just doing pull-ups and cleaning his gun. But I'm sure it'll be fine. The only way to fully, it would be awkward, but if you talk to both of them separately. Mm.

And we're like, I'm worried about hurting your brother's feelings. But even that, it's like... I mean, I guess they did go on a couple dates, but I guess what... She says they're cool. Yeah, I guess what complicates it is that they are friendly. They're on the same team. They see each other. But I think that's so much responsibility for somebody who... It's... They didn't date. They went on a couple... They got dinner a couple times and they held hands fucking, you know, a couple... She held his clammy ass hand for like 15 minutes. You know, like...

I just feel like, does she really owe this guy that much? It's the fact that it's his brother that is complicating things. Because if it was just a guy on the team...

There's no discussion whatsoever. It's almost, yeah, it's more complicated than like, you know, if your friend likes a girl and then she likes you. Right. It's almost because you're friends you have to like figure that out to not ruin the friendship. I really think it's more on the brothers than it is her without question. Yeah. Just looking at them as friends. Exactly. Because it's like, yeah, you have to figure that out between you guys. But I'm just saying because they're brothers it might even be...

There might even be less courtesy. Right. They might even want to talk about it less and make sure it's okay. Good point. Less because you're brothers. Yeah, it's like, fuck you. Fuck my brother. I'm eating all the tricks. I don't care that mom said I'm supposed to save you some tricks. I'm eating it. Fuck you. What are you going to do about it? And then you fist fight. Yeah, we legally have to be friends. This isn't going to ruin it.

But it could, I guess. So I guess if you wanted, I guess what I would say is, you're so certain that this guy has a crush on you, right? Yeah. Because she says, I know it's mutual. I would just, if he pursues you, I think you're just totally in the clear. And if he pursues you, I think you say something like, hey, I like you. I'd like to go out. I went on a couple dates with your brother. It didn't end anywhere. We're friends now.

Do you think... Is that cool with you? Do you think he's cool? Do you mind talking to him? Yeah. If you wanted... If I were in your situation, I would just... I would... If he pursues you, which this is what you like about him, it's that he's not like his timid brother. Yeah. So if he actually asks you out, I think that's how you play this. It's like...

He asks you out, then you're right about him having a crush on you, right? You can still be flirty with him, but, like, I would say just don't. If you don't pursue him and he's like, hey, want to go out? Be like, yes, I'd like that. Just so you know, I went on a couple of dates with your brother. Are you cool with that? Like, or, you know, do you want to talk to him? Or I don't know. I don't know if she even needs to do that, honestly. Like, I don't know. I'm not saying she has to talk to the guy she went on some dates with, but I would bring. You wouldn't bring it up.

With the guy that you're going to see. Because, again, they didn't do shit, you know? He held her fucking hand. Wouldn't you want to know? You just want to know how that guy's... You think the guy doesn't know that his brother fucked him? Maybe not. Yeah.

Truly, maybe not. Yeah. And it's like, I just don't know if his brother, the hot guy, the cool guy, if his dorky. They're probably both fucking dorks, by the way. They're probably both fucking dorks. In a volleyball league. He's touching her leg by accident. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The guy's a gay guy. He's just, she's so wrong. She's like, I do kickball on Thursdays, but volleyball's pretty fun on Tuesdays. Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, maybe they've already talked about it. True. And that's something, not in the steviest way, but like... You know what? Keep it twisted. Fuck the guy. Keep it twisted. What are we talking about here? It's time to keep it twisted. Get some head. Who cares? Fuck these losers on your volleyball team. Let's keep it twisted. And let's go... Keep it twisted. Play us out with a theme song, Elders. Oh, wow.

Keep it twisted, baby. So thanks for calling in. You know, if you want to let him, if you want to wait to let him to pursue you, wait. But if not, just keep it twisted. Keep it twisted and go out with this guy and suck him off after volleyball.

Also, how big is the brother's hand that you held? Because that indicates... Maybe his cock is big, too. And that's the Keep It Twisted Twisted Tea segment of the day question on the Twisted Tea Hotline. Again, like we said, we are working on the name of the segment. But thank you, our friends at Twisted Tea, for sponsoring us. Keep it twisted. And remember to keep it twisted.

All right, that was the Keep It Twisted Twisted Tea hotline moment of the day. Question of the episode. What else we got, Elders? You a Twisted Tea guy? I don't think I've ever had it. They're good, man. We'll give you one on the way out. Okay, great. Hey, man, I got a question for you that I think you're the right person to be answering. Great. So I've had three girlfriends in my adult life.

And all three of these girlfriends have had best friends who didn't like me. It's been very noticeable. That's awesome. One of these girlfriends tried to get or one of these best friends tried to get my girlfriend

Cheat on me. Oh another one of these best friends ended up having a romantic crush on my girlfriend also tried to get her to Chi on me with her and Yeah, it seems like I have a track record For girlfriends best friends just really just liking me and I don't know if this is a me thing or if if this is actually just a common

Pattern that most dudes would have in common with me, I just really don't know. I think I'm a pretty, you know, nice agreeable guy. I never like creep on any of them or anything like that. I don't know. I guess I could do a better job at like trying to get to know them. I don't know. I just think this is the right time to be asking this question because I'm starting to get ready to get back out there in the dating pool and maybe find another woman.

And when I do, I want to maybe be able to have a better relationship with their best friend if I've got one. So I'm hoping you can help me out. Thanks. Interesting. Very interesting. Three for three, best friends don't like him. And he's wondering, is it me? Mm-hmm. I'm wondering if it's the girlfriend.

I'm raising my antennas. What's up with this friend of hers who's in love with her and she's trying to get this girl to cheat on the guy with her? A little early for Eldest's red pill corner. Let us work out the question a little bit and then you come in. Usually that's how it works, Eldest. But we'll keep it in mind. We'll come back to you and we'll think about that. Okay.

I do... Well, first of all, has this ever happened to you? Have you ever been in this situation? I'm trying to remember.

I don't think I knew. If a girlfriend's best friend didn't like me, I never knew about it. Yeah. And it was never brought to my attention. Right, right, right. I do think this is fairly common. Probably. I mean, I have certainly been in this situation. I've had... I mean, but that was my fault. They were right to dislike me. I've been in a relationship that kind of started messy and...

And then like we broke up. We were on again, off again. And like you work up so much bad will. All they hear is all these stories about, you know, you being a piece of shit. By the time you're in an actual good relationship, you're toast. You know what I mean? That's happened to me. I've also had best friends that really like me almost too much where they're like, you guys should get when it's not that serious. And they're like, you guys should get married weirdly. You know what I mean? And then I've just had people who are like, you know,

I've gotten along fine with them. Right? So I think some of this might just be small sample size. Three girlfriends, three weird situations. You just never know. Right? I wonder why they hate him so much.

Because that's some information that I think you should be able to ask. For example, I know why they hated me. Right. Like, I was a dickhead to the girl I was dating. Sure. And then, like, they were correct friends in just being mad at me for the beginning of our relationship. Right? Like, I know that. But if this guy didn't do anything wrong... Which he doesn't think he did. Doesn't think he did. He does have kind of a...

Not that you can tell much from a guy's voice, but like... He seems nice. He seems nice compared to the other two guys that seemed... The guy talking about lying to the single mother sounded like a fucking idiot. Right. Even the guy who's the stalking guy

Even though there's something off, just from his voice, I was like, something's a little off here. I mean, this guy's saying I'm a nice, agreeable guy. Like, that word in itself. Maybe he's too much of a pussy for them. Maybe it's the other side where he's not a dickhead. He's just kind of like... And also, maybe they just don't... You know, is he ugly? Are they just like... They just don't approve of who they're dating? You know, that's a possibility, right? Even though I feel like women are much...

I don't know. I wouldn't... I don't know about that. Much less shallow in terms of who their friends are dating. I think they're less shallow about who they're dating, but maybe, you know...

I don't know. I feel like I don't give a fuck. I can see the loser thing a little. They're like, what are you doing with this guy? He's just, you know. Now, let's shift back over to Elvis' red pill corner and put the blame on the woman here. Is there patterns in who he's dating, though, for real? Like, this is kind of where there might be a little Venn diagram between our vantage points where it's like,

We tend to date people in patterns. We tend to date people with similar, you know, psychological makeups, I would say. You know what I'm saying? Like, I think people just without even understanding that. Yeah. Typically go back to the same well or share. They share some kind of thing.

Do you attract women that have weird codependent relationships with other people for some reason? Sure. I'm just throwing possible things out there. I think I did that too because I have anxiety and fear of being cheated on. But I think I would date types of people who would cheat. Interesting. And then I don't even think that they wanted to or that they would.

would, but I'm looking at they're being flirty or there's something about how they're interacting with other guys that would make me uncomfortable. And I'm like, I don't know why I keep doing this, like putting myself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I definitely continued to do that for a long time. No, we all do that same shit. I mean, I was a problem for me where I would, I was very insecure in like my twenties. And so I dated people that were like,

clingy at first which I liked because it was like there's no insecurity I know they like me they're making it so obvious and then as soon as I was secure in the relationship I was like this is fucking annoying get off my dick you know what I mean like kind of shit where it was like you just sometimes you doom yourself you went the opposite direction as me yes which is very interesting yeah yeah yeah you know

Um, but we all do this sort of thing. So is there, again, we don't know shit. We don't really know you don't know these girls, but is there something to that you are attracted to people in these other strong relationships for whatever reason? Like some people don't even have a friend, this domineering in their life. You know what I mean? Like some, some people don't have that a number one best friend, you know, which these women seem to have. Um,

So I don't know, dude. I mean, we don't have enough information to go off of this. I mean, yeah. What did they hate about you is a great follow-up. That seems like the only question. Yeah. Because you have to assume with the person you're dating that their best friend knows any shitty thing you're doing. Right. Anything that is annoying. I will say from the limited information we've had, two of them tried to get...

these women to cheat on him. Right, that's what's different. So they don't respect him. Right. You know what I mean? They want her out of this relationship. It sounds like they feel like she could do better thing. Yeah. One of them is with any other guy. The other one is with her. You know what I mean? So it's like, is there something there to explore? Like...

You enter into a relationship with somebody who already has a pretty serious relationship, even though it's not romantic. Although in one case, it kind of sounds like it's blurring the lines. One person is in love with the other person, you know? Yeah. Could it be, again, just guessing here, just spitballing. There's less pressure when someone has...

a support system in their life for you to be like you know what I mean like if someone has serious relationships you being a boyfriend is your role is not as important to someone who has no friends in their whole life you know are you the kind of person who feels smothered easily so you can't be with someone who doesn't have really close friends that she spends time with you know I mean I'm just again just guessing here but her friend trying to fuck her sounds cool

You seem like kind of a piece of shit for not being able to fucking... You stopped two hot chicks from fucking sucking each other's tits. And for that, I'm against you. Yeah, you should have wanted that. Yeah.

That would have been good. Give me some of the other alternates. Holy fuck, that was twisted. Holy shit, bitch, that was twisted. That's more twisted than my nuts. Twist that up like my dick in your ass and it's twisted. Yeah, we didn't want to play those during the official segment, but twist that up like my dick in your ass and it's twisted.

Yeah, dude, I don't know. It's a tough one, actually. It's a tough one. I would say, I would try, again, why do they feel this way about you? Are you doing anything to deserve this? If not, what's the pathological reason you keep dating women who have this relationship in their lives? You know, examine that a little bit. Is there more, do you want to delve into it at all red pill wise?

I don't think so. I think you hit it. I think it probably is just like a pattern thing if you notice it with like three girls. It's like, yeah. If you can't look at yourself and be like, why do they hate me? You just have no idea whatsoever. I don't know. I would look at, well, what's the similarity between these bitches? Yeah, because a lot of the times when you fucking tug at that thread, you just do see some like clear psychological shit. You see some clear shit that leads back to like,

As hack as it is, your fucking childhood and your parents and all that kind of shit. It's so crazy because when you're in it, when you're doing it... Yeah. Like, every time I'd get out of a relationship and be like, I'm never doing that again. Yeah. And just do it. And then a couple months go by and that familiar feeling... The sadness, loneliness. And then you hit it off with... Because at first...

The people you find yourself in these patterns with, it feels so good at first. Of course. At first, you're like, whoa, something special is happening. And it's like, no, you're just hitting the same parts of your brain. Yeah. And I'm also like, maybe in my mind, I'm like...

I'm confident now. Because that's another thing you feel when you're single. Yes. And you're not in a relationship. You're like, I think I figured out what I did wrong. Right. I'll be good this time. Right. I won't fall for the same traps in my own head. Right, right, right. And then you just do it. Yeah. And then it's fucking 2 a.m. in your hotel room and you eat every piece of candy in the mini bar. Even though you were strict about your diet all day. As an example. Yeah.

Dude, I literally made, I was in a hotel this weekend, and you can pay, this is how dashly it is, they make you pay to take the minibar out. I was like, hey, I don't want candy in my room. I can't have this. Really? And they're like, for $9, we'll take it out. I'm like, what? What?

For the price of a candy bar. And I was like, all right. I had to pay them to not have candy in my room. That's crazy. It's fucking insane. And then I was like, hey, can you take all this bullshit out of the mini fridge so I can put like yogurt and fruits and shit in there? And they're like, that'll cost you $25. So I had to pay fucking... And it was like $25 a day. It was crazy. Did you do it? I did it, yeah. Because I was like, because that is my killer on the road. I'm trying to survive this next tour, man. I...

The last one fucking nearly killed me legitimately. So I cannot have that again. So I'm just trying to like work my way up on the road to like, and I did pretty good actually, uh, health habit wise. This to me, I'm like calling the front desk. I'm like, you got to fill the room with pork. Dude, we can get you a delicious pork, you know, while you're here, dude. Um,

When you sign up at WorkMoney, you could win $50,000. With the average renter paying around $2,100 per month, that means you can have rent covered for a whole year and more. So you can be more. And when you're more, that means you get more. And more. And more.

Ooh, but not so much of that. Sign up at Work Money. Get money-saving tips. Skip the rent. Get more rich. Sign up at workmoney.org slash morerichcontest for your chance to win $50,000. All right, LD, you got something nice and fun for us? Something to go out on here, pal? Yeah, I got one. Someone's coming for you a little. Let's see what you got to say. Coming for me? Interesting.

Hey, Savi. I'm in the car and we're listening to episode 82. And you're giving some really good advice to this girl whose sister's boyfriend keeps flirting with her. And I listen to the podcast pretty often. And I was just thinking about how I always agree with your take. And I think the advice you give is really good. And I've just started to become increasingly suspicious that this is all a ploy.

And you're giving advice to get pussy. And for all the women listening to agree with you, and I just... My question, I guess, is, is your advice really what you think? Is this your true belief? Or are you keeping it twisted? Or are you just trying to get the women of the world on your side? Keep it twisted. Are you accusing me of keeping it twisted?

24-7-365, baby girl. Are you explaining why I have the sponsorship idea? Are you explaining what pays for this apartment? Start a podcast to get pussy. That's keeping it twisted. Do you remember what advice you gave?

I don't really. I remember this call, but I don't remember it off the top of my head. But hey, what can I say, babe? That's just who I am. I can't help it. That would be such an annoying ploy to get pussies doing a pod. I mean, I guess in some ways doing a podcast and doing comedy, really. She's kind of accusing you of being a little woke. Woke for pussy. Which is not...

I mean, I am a single issue voter in that. How will this make it easier for me to get pussy? That's why I'm that's why that's why I'm so pro abortion rights. I was like, that is unfortunately that is the lens through which I see the world. But I do think that, you know, my advice does come from the heart.

But I it's good to know that it's working. It's good to know that you're more likely to fuck me now than you were before you listened to the podcast. I guess I can speak to this a little bit that outside of this room, you're not walking around going, I'm about to say a bunch of bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Outside the room. What if I am just totally different? I'm like, I'm just so conservative.

But no, I exist in a very, you know, it's a bit of a hedonistic little zone. It feels interesting because I do feel like people on the left have gotten almost too tattletale-y. Like the only identifying thing of like, people don't even think of it as like,

Like hippie shit is not really what people think of anymore when it comes to like being liberal or something. It's like getting you in trouble for saying something bad is what people think of now when it comes to like what it means to be like the left in America. And I think I just, I kind of exist in a zone of like not conservative but not a tattletale either and getting pussy. And that's what it's all about.

Wouldn't you say so? I agree. Don't tattle. Don't be fucking rude to people and try and get sucked off as much as possible. And suck titties off as much as possible. But thank you. It's good to know the ploy is working. After this, we're going to go. We're going to fire up some InfoWars. Anyway, after this, I have to go phone bank for Donald Trump.

It is funny what you're saying about hippies. Like, hippies were the left, but now every hippie was, like, would be considered a piece of shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they were all just doing whatever the fuck they wanted to get pushy. Yeah, it's... Exactly. Like, they were... A fun, cool life. Having a good-ass time is really... Is actually my actual, like, um...

Like, that's my North Star. It's like, how can we even have things be fun as shit? And you gotta... Like, hippies were just trying to have a good time. And it's interesting to think about them in...

almost in like what they came out of like historically it makes sense that they would come out of like the repressive ass 50s yeah and then it was like fuck we don't have to do any of this bullshit yeah fuck your stupid little suit and tie we're gonna go get pussy you know we're gonna go smoke drugs in a field and like yeah you know look at tits that's fucking cool but yeah we have gotten to a point where i don't know man people just associate and then obviously the like

The fairness aspect of, like, you shouldn't treat anybody bad. Like, you should, you know... You should just, like, hey, we have all this money. Why don't we give some to fucking poor people in this country? Like, not even getting to any of that. But it's like... I don't know. The left being for censorship is weird. Like, saying shit you can't... Not that the right is any better. I love that idea that the right is for freedom of speech. That you have to... The idea that you have to pick one is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, hey, how about...

Both things that we're being presented with actually are fucking, you know... Like, Kamala Harris is a fucking... Anyway, we don't have to do this.

I don't know how we got here from this question. But there is a version of hippie that is objectionably bad. Yes, that is true. Like a guy who's got a family and then he listens to The Grateful Dead and he's like, I'm fucking out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, that kind of thing. The complete rejection of any responsibility deep into your 40s and 50s, that's pathetic. For sure. Pathetic, for sure. But hey, we're still in our 30s.

I got a couple more years of this kind of lifestyle. Anyway, thank you for listening. It is not a ploy, but hey, if it's working, you know what I mean? I'm going on tour next year.

hit the DMs. And, Ahmed, thanks for coming, brother. Thanks for having me. This was so fun. This was great. A great episode. Bring your, next week we're going to have Ahmed's grandfather on. So talk about the prop industry. I would love to talk about props. I would love to talk about becoming a Buddhist in Maine and shit like that. He sounds awesome. He's great. And, yeah, we will talk to you guys next time. Bye-bye. Bye.

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