#92 - Tom Thakkar
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I forget every time. You can't have the restore pages Chrome didn't shut down correctly. You're blocking the number, man. You've sabotaged this from the beginning. Should I know the number of the show I've been doing for two years? Four of the numbers are my name and three of the other ones are 800.

And I only really need to know three, and I knew two of the three. Should I know that? Is this not your fault? Are you getting competent at your job, and now my incompetencies are starting to glaringly show? No, it is your fault. Those were rhetorical questions that everyone filled in with no at home. No. No, he sucks. He does.

Get the fucking restore pages out of there. Get the Chrome button that we can't even see. You should start an episode complaining about something we have no idea about. That's not even that important, honestly, in any grand scheme of things. Die, Albanian slave. Die, Albanian serf.

Is anybody calling off of you saying the phone number too? No. They probably read it, I bet. I literally just started doing it and it felt kind of good to do. It feels almost like a real show when you do it. It's fun that you get callers. It is cool. We've been doing live ones and those are really fun, but that's not what this show is.

This show is voicemails. Keep bringing them in. And we got our buddy Tom Takar on the couch. Buddy, thanks for coming, dude. Thanks for having me, man. I'm glad we finally worked it out. Every fucking time I've tried to do this, you've been like, I'm going to Greece for six months. I'm going to go eat my fucking own asshole in Greece. Yeah, yeah. That was one time I was there for 12 days. Yeah.

And you're in L.A. now. It's not my fault. Yeah, that's true. Not my fault. That's not your fault. Not my fault, dude. You absconded to sunny Los Angeles. I fucked up, dude. You did, bro. L.A. sucks. You could have been on this podcast three times by now. That would have changed my life, dude. That would have changed everything, dude. I wouldn't be in the fucking gutter right now, dude. You shouldn't have followed the love of your life to Los Angeles.

I could have been on stop three times. That's why I yell in my darkest moments to her. You realize I could have been on stop three fucking times. I probably could have done B and E with Jordan two, three times by now. And most of them maybe wouldn't have been the Patreon.

They would have put me at least two times on the free one by now. I'd definitely be on the main feed once a year if I was you. You fucking slut! You ruined my life! My YouTube special has 75,000 views by now. We'd be rolling in over $400 of AdSense money. Damn it! My life is a prison!

You go walk outside. It's 74 degrees. You have a yard. She's like, I'm sorry, Tom. I'm sorry. She's calming you down, driving you in your new car that she paid for. I guess I'll go golf all day. Fucking hate my life.

Yeah, dude, so anytime you want to change what you're doing and come over here, maybe get four roommates and then move into Bushwick as a 36-year-old divorced man. I could have been on Tommy Pope's podcast again.

Yeah, we got our boy Tom's the car, man. A favorite. Truly. And you know, that's not empty. You really would have been on at least three times if you lived here, man. And that's high praise. It's breaking my heart, dude. Imagining those three appearances, dude. That would have been a good Cush brother. You'd definitely be a Cush brother, man. We'd get you high.

Damn it, dude. That's all right, man. Just trying to, you know, very funny, a favorite of ours, and we finally got Tommy on. Glad to be here, dude. Yeah, dude. This is great. What a spot. Astoria, I'm sweating my whole dick off. I know, I know. We barely, that's the only problem with this studio is that we have one big-ass air conditioner at the complete other end.

Of the apartment. And it gets hot as shit. It's like nighttime. I miss that, man. I miss just living absolute shit in New York. Totally. I do love that about New York. Oh, I love it. I really do. That is the place to be if shit's going good for you. Because it does keep you humble. Yeah. Yeah. Dude. I've been in Baltimore. And you know, I got a place in Baltimore that's very attainable. And the comfort is insane. Wow.

I have like central air. There's a backyard. Why would you do anything? And then I come here to New York and I'm like, ah, New York, my favorite town. Smells like fucking shit. The AC, the windows are all closed. Eldest has left fucking hard-boiled eggs.

Hard-boiled egg trash in my sink. He's been smelling like eggs for fucking three days. And 97 degree, no window open. No, this is good egg weather, buddy. It is not stagnant egg weather in here with no airflow. And I'm like, ah. This is a mustardy egg, dude. Yeah, I'm like, this is good. This is keeping me low. Ooh, Eldest, the NFL season is here.

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slash FT ball NFL plus premium offer available only to new and former NFL plus subscribers, additional NFL plus premium terms at NFL.com slash terms. Dude. So it's so true. Last night I got in and I was like, Oh,

We're doing it. My favorite city on the planet. And I had all my luggage and it just dumped on my head. It fucked up my laptop. I was like, I lived almost my entire eight years here without buying an umbrella. I'm back to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I bought an umbrella. I was like, oh, I finally leveled up, dude. I spent six bucks on an umbrella. You're an umbrella guy now. I know. I love that math when you're broke and you're like, nah.

I can't afford a $6 umbrella. I will have eight PBRs at the creek in the cave because they are two bucks.

Are you a New York comic if you don't know about the two buck PBRs, bitch? The two bucks at the now closed Creek in the Cave. Leave there pissed off every fucking week. I would just be like, why am I so mad? I was drunk off of $2 PBRs and the shittiest margaritas of all time. Yeah, you're having the worst Mexican food anyone's ever made.

Like recipes that Mexicans would spit on for sure. So bad, dude. So bad. May it rest in peace. Oh, man, I do miss it. I had some good times there. I do miss it. When did you move? How long has it been since you've been in there? It's been like a year and a half. It's fucking wild. I haven't been here in like almost a year. Damn, dude. It feels nuts, man. You liking it, dude? It's fine. Mr. Hollywood? I miss it here, dude. I am Mr. Hollywood. I don't know if you've read the trades, man. I've actually made a lot of big fucking moves, dude.

I just bought a 2017 Ford Fusion, bitch. Nice, dude. Mr. Hollywood. It's got a bunch of hail damage on it. Yeah. So it was a deal. Nice, dude. That's interesting to get a hail damage car in California. I know. Good for you, dude. Shipped it all the way from Indiana. Yeah. Oh, nice. You went back home to get a car, dude? That's right. That's right.

You're like, my cars have to be irreparably damaged in Indiana. They have to suffer. They have to suffer just like me in Indiana, bitch. Let my stepdad beat it around a little bit before I can drive it. Make my stepdad drink inside of it.

Instead of picking me up at school and then coming four hours late. Dude, this is, I don't know if I told you this, my stepdad did, because my mom made him try to teach me how to drive, and he only took me out a couple times, and he was drinking while I was driving. And I would be driving, I was scared. I'm like 15, I've never driven, and I'm going like 10 under, and he goes, you've got to speed it up. You've got to go five over, you look suspicious. Yeah.

That's your learner's permit? He taught me how to drink and drive. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool, man. That's cool because it feels like you drink a lot now. Yeah, for sure, man. I wonder where that came from. Yeah, who knows, man? What sort of background would make a guy drink every day? Drink gin like it's water. What kind of shit does that? Yeah, I mean, it is funny. Your life is hysterical. I mean, it's...

It is crazy to just like, just meet you. And it's like, this is a good, and you know, you're a good comic. You're like, your jokes are smart. And I'm like, and you're pretty, you were never like, you would get fucked up, but we met when we were young. So you don't, you don't really calculate everyone. We were all getting incredibly fucked up. So you could still be like a guy. I'm like, that's an upstanding citizen. Yeah.

Yeah. And like... But be drinking constantly. But be drinking constantly because I... I almost bought beers to bring here. You should have. That would have been awesome. I couldn't do it because I got too drunk last night and I got shows tonight. But if you weren't booked, believe you me. Oh, baby. I'd be getting into it. Yeah. Last time I was in town, I did one of my Jordan Jensen podcast appearances. Whoa. I got one. I probably do five by now. Yeah. If your bitch wanted to make you go to L.A.,

Probably not even what happened. That is what happened. Oh, okay. It wasn't some big opportunity, I'll tell you that. There's a big opportunity to live on the far east side of L.A. You'll see the beach less than when you lived in New York. I know, it's so fucked up. You talk to your friends who are in L.A., and you visit them, and it's like, it's two hours from the airport somehow in traffic, and you're like,

And further from the beach. Yep, it's so far. You might as well live not in the state. No, no, no. You live in a city near LA. It's like going to Baltimore and doing comedy in DC, which is what I did. But it's not living in LA. No, it's brutal. But anyway, man. It's not that bad.

We'll sneak in other grievances from your real life throughout the podcast. We'll do one every 12 minutes. Jordan last time was like, so often I would see you and you'd be not making any sense. You were that drunk. And then go on stage and be normal. It's because it's like a machine that happens when you go on stage. Except when it doesn't click and you're just hammered up there. That's how you remember it? That's how you and Jordan also fucking idiot remembers it?

It's like, oh, Jordan, of course. Yes. The arbiter for normal behavior. Just in a weird sexless marriage with Ian. Ha ha.

And like, I don't even know what the fuck she's going on with her personal life. Anyway. But no, the point is though, you, whatever you were drinking, but everybody was drinking. But I was like, this guy probably is like, you know, a guy from the, you're from the Chicago scene. So without knowing much about you, I'm like, this is probably some fucking guy from the Chicago suburbs. Everyone in Chicago gets fucking drunk. Um, who cares? Uh,

And then like we became better friends and I'm like, oh my God, he lived a nightmare. His whole, Tom's whole origin story is like, this man should be fucking like, you know. Definitely dead or like a serial killer. Yeah, like waiting at a Jiffy Lube in a fucking like jump, in like a jumper you got from the thrift store to steal someone's car. To pose as like,

oh yeah, come on in. We'll change your oil and then you fucking hit him over the fucking head and like take the Corolla as long as it'll go before the car, you know, the cops call you. I definitely have dreams of that life sometimes. I'm like, that was almost it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was close. But yeah, a lot of fuck,

up shit because you're from Indiana which just that also sucks right off the bat starting on negative third base very tough to have a good life when you're from Indiana two strikes in yeah no disrespect to the Hoosiers but like hey I love it there I was just there what is the best like who has a good life from Indiana ooh

you know, who are the rich people from the Pacers? Yeah. Yeah. Pat McAfee's the real, he's the fucking living the fucking dream. That guy and the barstool guys who live there from there doing pretty good. A satellite bar school office is the second guy. Tom could not one of the barstool guys. I would give it up. I would give all of it up.

To be an intern at the satellite. At Barstool Indianapolis.

The guy like filming their like Yeah Yeah But it's like Like literally that Those guys And then like I don't know A farmer Like rich farmers I guess Yeah there's some farmers There's some business I mean you could be a doctor out there Sorry we're being I'm being such a fucking Yeah I'm like what are you Fucking Indiana I'm from Baltimore I mean the doctors out there They just They prescribe like corn and stuff Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Your sugar levels are a little low Yeah

If you're not pre-diabetic, they fucking... Yeah, you have zero diabetes. We're really worried about you. Have you been drinking two liters of Pepsi every day? You're prescribed two liters? I did have Coca-Cola in my bottle. Yeah, dude. And even now, I'll go back. There's a new baby in the family, and my mom will be like, well, every once in a while, you give them a little cola. What are we doing? Yeah.

They see you drinking all the time. My mom literally said to me this last time, because there was a bottle of water that was sitting on the table, and I was like, oh, is that mine? And she goes, it's definitely yours. None of us fucking drink water. She goes, you're the only one here drinking water. How have you not noticed that? Hey, is that my Bernie Sanders t-shirt? I've got to wear that to a funeral.

That's so fucking funny, dude. Yeah, from Indiana. Also, another hilarious thing that is forgotten, when we met, like, your name was Tom Brady. Oh, yeah, yeah. Which is so funny. So fucking brutal, man. Your name was Tom Brady. And this is, like, the height of Tom Brady.

Tom Brady being the most famous athlete in the world. Winning Super Bowl after Super Bowl. In the middle of winning six Super Bowls. Yeah. And you must have been like, all right, I'll wait it out. He's a fucking athlete. I thought it was going to end at some point. Give him a couple years. He comes to the league and it kind of wasn't that big of a fucking deal at first. At first it must have been kind of fun. Oh, a sixth round pick has my name. Isn't that cute? It was like a fun thing at school. I got a little attention from people. Oh, shit.

I was like, hell yeah. Maybe this will get my dick sucked. And it did not. Maybe name Tom Brady. 14. Yeah. Give me that dick suck being named Tom Brady. Give me some pussy.

But then it just so quickly got annoying, man. I still, I got a text yesterday from somebody being like, what if you did a joke about that you tried to go by your middle name, but that was Wayne Brady. And I was like, that fucking sucks. But also, I'm not going to tell them my name is Tom Brady now. It's been fucking seven years. I'd have to go back and suck. Explain that you were named Tom Brady. You've got to understand, my name was Tom Brady. No.

But that's so fucking funny to be waiting it out and be like, all right, this athlete can't be successful much longer. He certainly won't be the greatest athlete possibly of all time. The most winning football player of all time. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. And then you were just like, I'm fucking Tom Takar now. Yeah, baby. Took my father's last name. Which, that's another hilarious thing because your dad's a piece of shit. He's dead though. A dead piece of shit. He's dead though. Once he died...

He can't be proud or anything. Oh, interesting. And I was like, that's the only reason I did it. I was like, he's dead. No one's going to care. But I was like, it would have been my last name if I didn't have a piece of shit dead. Right, right, right. So I was like living in an old universe. I should have not jumped the car, though. It sucks. I fucking regret it all the time, man. I'm going to kill myself, dude. You've had two names you've hated.

I had the whole fucking book of names that I could have picked from and I picked one with a fucking weird H. Yeah. Nobody knows how to spell or find me. I'm such a fucking idiot, dude. I just learned it wasn't Fakar. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Literally, you know, I was like, oh, I bet it's, it doesn't feel right. That's so cool. How old were you when you were like, time to change? I changed it because I was opening for Birbiglia and he, all week, he was like, you better, you need to change your fucking name, you idiot.

He also told me later, he was like, I begged them not to have you on my weekend because he didn't know me or anything and he wanted to bring somebody. And he stole my headlining weekend at the Comedy Attic. And so they were like, can you please let this guy open? He's supposed to be here or whatever. And he's like, I really don't want that. And then he liked me. Like, it was nice. But he all weekend was like, you got to change your fucking name, man. That's so stupid that you would keep this. And he was like, you might be on TV soon. And then it's like too late, baby. Right.

And so I spent like the whole next week thinking about it. And then you should be like, I'm Tom Berbiglia. Yeah.

Yeah, of all the fucking people that tell somebody to change their name, what kind of fucking name is Mike Birbiglia? What an asshole. We love you, Mikey boy. It is funny, though. It's so funny. It's like being named Michael Jordan in 96. Yeah. It really is. It fully is. I wonder, because that is a common name. Tom Brady is, too. My mom's ex-husband's name was Tom Brady, and that's part of why that was my name, but

Yeah, it's pretty brutal. Oh, really? Ex-husband? Yeah. I guess, yeah. His last name was Brady. And is that the stepdad that drove you around? No, no. I never met that guy. He was a gambling... Wait, your name... No. Hold on. Your current name is your dead, deadbeat father's name who didn't raise you.

And your previous name was a deadbeat stepfather that left when you were two years old? I never remember. He was not in my life, to be fair, that guy. But you have his name! It's funny that I have his name. Both your names are honoring two fathers that wanted nothing to do with you. You know, when you put it that way...

My life is bullshit, man. My whole legacy is jambles. I thought it was at least the stepfather you hated but was in your life. No, they made it very clear that I was not allowed to have their last name. Because you were F-Indian? Because I was F-Indian, yeah.

Yeah. Holy fuck, dude. Dude, my brother told me the other day, he goes, the first time I heard the N-word was my stepdad's mom calling me that. Oh, my God. They're just so racist and stupid. Dude, and so many people will be like, dude, you're white. And I'm like, tell that to my fucking family. That would have been sick as hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm called the N-word. Yeah.

It's also going to be that stupid and racist where you're like, I can't come up with another one. Not even throw a little adjective on top, a little modify. I think they threw the old sandbag. I don't know, just bring a little sandbag. But it took them a while. I bet you it took them like a few years where like, you know, this doesn't quite work. Let's see what we can do to make it feel okay.

Damn. What the fuck, dude? That's so fucking... Yeah, they hit the old beach with the... Yeah, yeah. They went snorkeling. They went snorkeling with the N-word. Came up with something nice. That is a great point, though. It was two men that had nothing to do with my fucking life. Yeah, yeah. And they were my whole name. Crazy. Yeah, dude, you gotta just change... You need a third name change. What do we got?

If you could pick anything. I might take my wife's last name. That would be... That's not bad. I shouldn't say that on here. Yeah, yeah. Don't say what it is. But you should. I should, though. I should, though. Because, like, I think about it sometimes how stupid name... Like, why does it have to be the guy's name? It should be, like, who's better...

You know what I mean? Every couple should have like the first 10 years or whatever. Some period, a couple years, there should be a competition. And like, who do we think deserves? Whose name deserves to continue? Yeah, it could be like a family thing. It could be both families, decathlon of some kind.

That's a good idea, man. Before every wedding, family should compete to see who gets the name. Yeah, who gets the name. And for sure, your wife would want it. It would be pretty... Because she knows both her parents. There's no other representatives with my last name on my family list.

It would really just be me out there on my own. Oh, damn. Yeah, it's tough. Fuck, what was I about to say? It was related. It doesn't matter. No, that's a good... I already said if we have kids, they get her last name. That's awesome. Because I'm like, it would make zero fucking sense. That would be crazy. They'd be like, no, it's got to be this name that means nothing to me. Yeah, yeah. Nothing positive anyway. No, no, no. No.

That's crazy. We'll move on, but that is insane that every day you just kind of have a name of a guy you don't fuck with that much. It is true. You know what was fucking crazy? Real fast. When I did Conan, because I was like...

I pretty much recently changed it. I did Conan, and I was like, man, I hope they don't fuck up the name, whatever. And at the beginning of the show, I'm sitting in the green room, and you see the beginning of the show, and he goes, tonight on the show, we have comedian Takar. And I'm like, oh, no! Takar! I gotta be a fucking magician now or something. Comedian Takar! Because I didn't think about, oh, they can re-record it or whatever, which they did. But it's just...

I was like, I have to become Comedian Takara. This is my first credit. Comedian Takara is my special. Comedian Takara would be fucking brutal, man. So brutal. Yeah, it's funny because it's like you don't think about, I mean, you know, Indiana, I never thought, I didn't think they were very, especially that, you know, the part of it so accepting. But in general, you don't really get, there's a whole Waysian thing with...

and Asian. You don't really get many Windians. No, no, no. It doesn't happen a lot. They don't fuck with it. I've been meeting more lately. Yeah. They'll come out of the woodwork, but the famous thing, like, that I, I had a bit about it, but like, people would tell me like, oh, that doesn't happen a lot because Indian men are ashamed to have mixed race children. Yeah.

Just an awesome thing to tell someone in their face. So fucking cool, dude. Oh, no, it's like, oh, I'm sure you're sad about it, but we actually think it's bad to intermingle with other races. Your existence is actually an abomination of things that we value. But have a good night, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, yeah, I guess that's true because I feel like Asians are out here

They know what they're doing. They're trying to get in. They're trying to get in. You know what I'm saying? They're trying to get in from within. Well, they get it. No.

They know what's up. But Indians are like, nah, man, we're not, we're just a competition. We're really, we're already superior. I will say, like, Indian people who come to shows are always so fucking, they want you to be Indian. Yeah, yeah. Because they're never like, they're like, oh, you're not Indian enough. They're like, I will take you to India tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to the land. Totally. Let's go to the motherland. I get that. I mean, Greek people, Greek people show up to shows now. They've started showing up. Oh, nice. And like,

I had a bit... Does the venue complain about the smell or anything? They're like, someone's selling unlicensed street meat outside. We've been shut down by the health department. It's really good, but I'm worried. It's delicious, but yeah, we're really scared. Someone's brought their own underage employees outside. There's tzatziki all over the fucking chairs, man. Interesting thing to go with smell, given your heritage.

Mr. Thakkar. I'm not going to remark one way or another. All I said was it was interesting. You can't get me on it, folks. I didn't say why it was interesting. You have to figure that out yourselves.

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But they fuck, but like, and you know, I had a bit on the last special that was about how Greek people are basically Arab, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's the only bit that's any kind of Greek, but my name is so Greek that they just see the name and they're like, you know, and so, but they really want stuff about being Greek. Yeah. They really want like. I struggle with that too because I'll have some people come out just because of the name. They'll be like, oh yeah, we called the club and we saw your name and we were like, we came and I don't talk about Indian shit at all.

I don't know any Indian people. I mean, I don't know any Indian family of mine. Nobody fucked with you, right? It was like your dad was gone, basically? Yeah, yeah. And his family, nobody ever, like, reached out or anything. I only found out a bunch of shit after he died. And then I've met some people at shows who were like, Takara is actually a pretty, it's not like, it's a pretty unique last name for how, you know, how big India is. And they were like, we know, we could take you to where that family is. Whoa.

Like they know that village or whatever. And I was like, I don't really have that much of an interest. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, I know. I might go at some point. It's kind of interesting. Because like, yeah, I don't know. There is just something just out of curiosity. You know what I mean? Yeah, I kind of do want to go. I want to see if they look like me. That'd be funny. Yeah, that would be funny. You see a bunch of weird, goofy looking, chinless pieces of shit. Yeah.

And literally your dad just was gone immediately. Well, he... I'm sure you've told the story a bunch of times. No, not that. I don't go that deep into it, but I don't know a lot of the story. Some of it's just my mom. My mom claims at one point he may have tried to kidnap me. I think she just tells me that to make me feel better. Yeah.

That's awesome. No, he cared for a second. No, he did try to steal you at one point. Yeah, he went from loving you so much he was going to commit a crime to never calling and asking a question. Dodging child support for decades.

The story she told me, she was at the fair and an Indian couple was looking at me weird. She was like, I think that was like relatives of him. He sent a couple Mumbai operatives over to snatch you up. Mumbai operative? I love that. Mumbai operative.

That's great. That's pretty good, right? That might be the next special name. The Mumbai operatives. Lean in, dude. What if you start just going, you're like, fuck it, I'm going full. You're doing a voice. I think if it doesn't pop off in the next five years, if nothing happens, you're going to see me doing the voice. Yeah.

Hello. It is good to be here. Yeah, because it's so interesting. For all intents and purposes, you have zero connection. I mean, other than people I've met that aren't family, just like regular, I mean, regular, just regular Indian people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just good, fine Indian people. Yeah.

And you're the only one from your mom and your dad? Because you grew up... Yes. Well, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm the only one from that. I mean, they weren't even like...

They were married. They were dating. And then I got, she had me. So what the fuck was this guy doing in Indiana? He was a doctor. Lost his license, went to jail, had some inappropriate relationships with some patients. Oh no, dude. Yeah, man. That is tough. That is hitting a lot of stereotypes. Let's just put it that way. Let's just say. All right. All right. All right.

Everybody relax. Everybody calm down. Everybody relax. We're just pointing some stuff out. We don't say we believe them. We're just saying. There were allegations. Damn, do innocent people go to jail all the time, man? He's Andy Dufresne, baby. A disgraced, horny Indian doctor is your father, dude.

Oh, man, that's fucking wild. Yep. And then you just fuck, and then, but you have siblings, though, right? Yeah, I got a bunch of, everybody's halves. They're all halves. They're all, like, from my mom, and then, yeah, but it was, like, because there's, like, three different dads amongst all of us, we kind of all, it was, it's the same as if we were regular siblings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We all grew up together, and, yeah, but it is weird, because, like,

My stepdad, who I lived with, fucking hated all of us. Wait, none of them were his kids? He had two. He hated one of them as well. A one? Why would they do? He's just nothing. He's a fucking asshole. What did that child do to deserve it? I remember, man. I feel bad because I laughed my ass off. He was so fucking mean to my brother. We were having dinner. I cooked for everybody because he didn't know how to do fucking anything. And I'm like eight.

And I paid us all food. Because my mom would work at night. Oh, wow. And so I would be home with her. And he didn't have a job or what? Yeah, he would work during the day. And he worked at an oil change place. Oh, wow. Look at that. Yeah, he's a really good job. He's a really successful guy. I think we were pretending you might have. I think you should have been doing well. Who knew? What?

Just at an oil change place, entry level as like a 40-year-old? Yep. That's the mark of a fucking... That's his life, man. He's still there, huh? He moved on and now I think he drives a van. Okay. Trying to work his way up the truck. You cannot drive a truck, dude. You cannot drive a fucking truck. I don't think you should be driving the van.

For what purpose is he driving a van? He drives like auto parts from store to store or something, I think. I actually don't really fucking know. Whenever he talks, it's really hard to listen to him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that. Because he thinks you're interested in his shit. He'll be like, oh man, I was listening to the local rock station the other day and they gave me a shout out. I was like, what?

He calls into this rock... I looked at his Facebook the other day. It's just him sharing this radio station shit all the time. Because he used to be a DJ on the local countries. I think he still has dreams of being a part of the rock stations. It's just him commenting. Holy shit.

He's sharing like... He's like, the lineup was really good tonight, man. Yeah. Love the tunes tonight, dude. Yeah. A lot of ACDC. They just read his... So the DJ reads his comment. I think the DJ like read it so he feels like... So then when he talks to... He doesn't know how to socialize at all. Right. So when he talks to people, he just tells them about the radio station.

It's so fucking gay, dude. His Facebook is just shared posts from like classic 103.3. Yep. The hits were rocking tonight, man. I remember when this, him just commenting on everything. I remember when Bon Jovi came out. No, nothing else. Nothing interesting. No likes. He doesn't get any likes. He is putting shit out into the void. And what he'll do, I think he gets drunk. In support.

I think he gets drunk and, like, he's done this to me a couple times where I see that I have a message from him, and then the next day it's gone. I think he's typing out a bunch of shit, and then he just deletes it. You got a screenshot quick, dude. I'm scared to read it because I don't know what the fuck. I think he gets drunk, and then he's, like,

regrets being such a piece of shit all the time. But also, he's still a piece of shit. Yeah, well, he's not going to change. No, why would you at this point? It's too late, man. Just cash it in. Just keep going. Yeah, put all your chips down on a piece of shit. I'm like, and my mom's like, oh, this must be an old man. But it's also like, he probably was...

20 when he married your mom. That's the crazy thing. He's probably like 42. Yeah, he was 21 when I was two and I'm 36 now. So he's in his 50s. He's not that old. Yeah, he's not even that old. It sucks. He could turn around but he will not. No, he's not going to

do that why do it you know i know i mean my my parents in their 70s and that's something where you're like all right this is who they are yeah you just gotta accept they're working a little bit nice man to just get there and you're like this is who i am put up with it bitch oh i'm i feel like we're there brother yeah kind of it's like i still have dreams of changing a little bit i still like i think about if i'm like i think if i have a kid i will change a little bit at least

I'll come back to the booze at least. That actually is, there's one glaring thing you could change, buddy. What could it be? There's actually one real big change. Nah, I'll have to look into that. I don't know. I can't see a thing. God, I saw that bodega cat out there. I almost chugged it. Yeah, yeah, dude.

There's plenty of good stuff. Plenty of good stuff. But one time, so we were having dinner, and my stepdad takes a rag to my brother's face. And he goes, I can't get the ugly off. I was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. Not a bad bit. But also it was so mean. He had shit on his face from dinner or whatever. But he goes, I can't get the ugly off.

Who says that to their boy? Just roasting his boy. To his boy. Did he look like him or no? No, he had red hair. I think that's why he was an asshole to him. He had red hair. I mean, we're talking like the mind of an 1800s fucking peasant. A redhead and a half Indian. You can't accept. That's like colonialist beliefs. Put him down. Put him down and let's get a good boy in here.

We only have enough resources for one good boy. Yeah, dude, back then he would have had all the ham hocks. You guys would have had broth from the bones that he ate. That would have been your dinner. Dude, that's fucking insane.

Oh, man. Yeah, but it's interesting because you did grow up in Bloomington, which I would assume is like, that's a college town. Yeah, but I didn't know that Bloomington was like a college town until I was 18. Oh, wow. Because we lived way away from there. You were in the burbs kind of? We lived in the country. We lived across from like farmers and shit, but we didn't have, we had I think two acres or whatever. Oh, okay. Nice little backyard. Yeah.

But in the middle of fucking nowhere. Oh, you weren't in Bloomington. No, I mean, it was technically... I think the town's technically called Stanford. Okay. But it's like, if you drive two minutes, you're in Bloomington. But it's like, the only way I could ever remember is, like, geographically, it was like, it was ten minutes past the Walmart. Because that was, like, the first thing.

The first thing you would see after driving 10 minutes was the Walmart. I see. And so you went to school, like, further from Bloomington? I went in Bloomington. Okay. Because there was only two...

I was still technically in that school zone, but I was right on the edge of going to this hillbilly-esque... I mean, then again, I'm like, was it that bad? I remember my stepdad would be like, oh, they got dirt floors over there. It probably wasn't that bad, but it probably was horrible. It was bad, though. I mean, the people from there are pretty rough. And the KKK was pretty prevalent. Oh, yeah. That was...

Yeah, that was pretty cool. They probably would have been chill with you. Judging from your family that wasn't in the KKK, Jesse would probably treat you. Oh, yeah, they would have been feasting. There's certain whites they didn't like because they had to be picky. They're like, we've got to hate somebody out here. There's not enough black people. I know. I remember seeing an old, in history class, seeing anti-Catholic people

KKK propaganda, which is pretty funny. You're like really reaching, man. It's so funny. Come on, guys. It was like anti-Italian, like Greeks, Poles, Catholics. It was pretty funny. That's so good. Yeah, it's good stuff. Man, that must be so cool to fucking hate people that much, man. I know. To join the thing. I tried to do a bit about this at one point, but it's like there has to be at least a couple dudes

in there that just like don't they're not good socially so they're like well these guys go fishing together yeah yeah community 100% there has to be I don't really get down with all the hate shit but it's part of it I don't love them but I think fucking up their house is a little much that kind of sucks I only like do a little bit of that shit just to fit in I'm way more about the barbecues

Yeah, I run the grill. They let me do it. I really enjoy that. It's hard to make new friends in your 30s, man. I used to play softball. I fucking tore my shoulder. Can't throw a ball anymore. This is pretty much it. This is my only option. Yeah, there's got to be a couple of those guys. A couple of them, yeah, yeah. But it's also like, imagine believing in something so much that you like,

actively try and do harm to people. Yeah. Like, I am jealous of belief that way. Oh, yeah, man. Where it's like, you can't get me to believe in, like, God as a concept. Yeah. Like, I sit with it, I'm like, there's no way.

There's no way. Yeah, it's so vague and fucking tough to wrap your mind around. They're just like, I am certain of everything I've ever believed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am so certain there's not a... No doubt. I'm so certain I'm going to hurt innocent black children. I think that would be a good thing to do. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, I think that's so right. I think our Lord will be proud of me. Yeah.

For causing harm to black children. When I sit at night with my thoughts, the things I'm ashamed of are like not doing my laundry fast enough, getting short with my son. It's not firebombing a school. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah.

In the hilarious little fucking... Were the kids hillbilly-ish, though, in your school, or no? There was a mix. There was some hillbillies. There were some people that... Because we went... It was a pretty big high school, like 2,000 kids or something like that. So there was a mix. There was some, like... There was a race war. Oh, nice. Because there was, like, a section of fucking real hillbillies. Yeah. There was a big problem where these kids were wearing...

Confederate flag belts and shirts to school, which is so funny. Indiana is the fucking north, dog. It's the fucking north. And they would wear the shit, and it was a big fucking problem in the town. And this kid, Carl, I won't say his last name just in case, but this kid, Carl, I'll never forget, they quoted him in the newspaper being like, it's our heritage, not hate. It's like, it's not your heritage. You're from Indiana. Your whole family is from

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So funny. Goddamn. But they had, like, it was a big fucking fight in the, like, yard of our school. Wow. But then most kids, like, I'll see people now when I go back that I'm like, oh, they're still pretty normal. Yeah. But it's weird because some people just have accents. Like, my brother has an accent now. We grew up in the same house. Yeah.

I'll come back and he'll be like, golly. I'm like, what the fuck is that? Where did you get that, man? That's crazy, dude. That's fucking insane. They're definitely all just choosing that. Yeah. It's so weird to wake up one day and be like, well, hell. Did your stepdad talk like that? No, he doesn't really have a real accent. He's just like a dumbass. It's really hard. He really is like...

He's like Homer Simpson a little bit without friends. He doesn't have a bar to go to. He just drinks in his driveway. He just drinks in his basement and listens to music. Just literally no friends. No. He was never like a boy around. He had a friend and he tried to fuck the friend's wife.

While he was married to your mom? And then the friend tried to fuck my mom. And my mom was like, get the fuck out of our house. What are you talking about? He pulls some, like, let's get back at Brad. And she's like, what?

Look, he's heard both of us. The only way to solve this is by you giving me pussy. That'll show your husband. That was one of those memories that popped into my head a few days ago. I was like, oh my God, that fucking happened. I was home. That's crazy.

Just tried to have an affair, drunk off some Schlitz. Yeah, drinking them wine coolers, man. Oh, dude, you get the wine coolers going, you get some fucking rat flying, dude. You're ready to go.

God damn, that's fucking hilarious, dude. What was, but so then you're a little, you weren't taking part in the race war? No, I had the humps on it, but you were a fat child, weren't you? Yeah, yeah. I'm getting back up there, man. I gotta fucking get it. This is why I walked today. I was like, man, I've gained like 30 pounds in LA. Really? Just from not walking? Just not walking and drinking. Not the drinking as much, but then driving everywhere. You just fucking said, I don't know what that even means, dude.

Don't be making weird eyes at the fucking camera. Sorry, man. There's something wrong with the lens. There's some shim eyes at the fucking office. Don't Dwight me, dude. That was fucked up. You're Dwighting yourself, brother.

Dude, I'm merely a vessel for the Lord. But no, I was a fat little boy. I was. I loved... My mom would let us eat fast food all the fucking time because she worked so much. So we would go to Wendy's and get that five for five that they used to have, and I would do all junior bacon cheeseburger. Five junior bacon cheese? Yeah, dude. No fry to be found? I know, fuck fries. I might get nuggets sometimes.

To break it up. Yeah, to break it up. I love those nuggets. But I was a lot of time doing five JBCs, man. And it ruled. It was so sick. And I thought that was part of getting older, was you just ate more sandwiches. You just added sandwiches to your shit. And now I eat way less than that. But yeah, I was eating five JBCs, dude. And it was great. Yeah, I mean, that sounds pretty good. It was so sick. I think back...

Sometimes on the road, I'll go to a Wendy's and I'm like, man, I can't imagine eating that and being done with it and feeling like, hell yeah, I'm going to still have a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's crazy. The beauty of youth. That's what we used our youthful bodies for. It's surviving our meals. Yeah.

Not like hunting. Digesting. Not like what... Literally, we have so much energy because you're supposed to have children. You know what I mean? You're supposed to raise a child and be up for it and protect your family when you're like... Hunting and yeah. But no. 17 to fucking 25, we used fucking... Because I was right there with you. I remember joining the football team because...

We had a soccer team and then our coach gave pornography to a child. And they disbanded it so then we joined the football team. Why did the coach give pornography to a child? It's funny, he wasn't even trying to fuck the kid. He was just being nice. He wanted the kid to think he was cool. It is so cool that he did that too. It is cool. God damn. But he picked a narc.

He picked the right kid, man. If he had given it to me, I would have been like... Hell yeah. But another side note, he actually was caught stealing from our church. He used to go to my... What a piece of shit. It's crazy. He didn't know. He saw me. I wasn't there the first day, and then he saw me. He was like... But I was like...

Don't worry, man. Just make sure I start, brother. Just make sure I get plenty of... I literally didn't tell anyone. I'm not a snitch, folks. Okay? Yeah, not until 20 years later. Yeah, whatever. Now we got content to make. But anyway...

Anyway, I fucking, so we start playing football and I was actually kind of good at football. And then I was like, well, I'm on the football team now. I have to get fat as shit. And I literally did, I got a telemarketing job and it was across the street from a Wendy's. I pulled the same move you did in middle school where I was like, I didn't do five, which respect to you. Five was the move, man. Five is crazy. You fucked up.

But I would do like a meal. Yeah. And of course, the junior bacon cheese, you get them like side dishes. I mean, they were like $0.90 or some shit like that. It was crazy. Yeah, I was even like mixing it up, getting baked potatoes sometimes. That's when I felt like I was like, I got to be healthy today. That is so funny. I'm going to have a baked potato with my three sandwiches from Wendy's. I used to do that. Baked potato. I'm going to have a baked potato.

I thought was the healthiest fucking thing anybody could eat. And when I was trying to, I would go on these crash diets every once in a while. I would do fad diets. Yeah. I was following my mom. I was doing Atkins. I was doing the South Beach diet. Like I was doing Weight Watchers, dude. That's so funny. I did Atkins and I was like, man, I feel like shit, man. And I was like, I don't know why I've eaten all this bacon and cheese. Mom, more bacon. I'm on a diet.

Just having just fat come out of your ass? Yep. Like, you know when, like, bacon grease cools? That's what you're shitting when you're doing Atkins? Oh, it was brutal. Yeah. But you do, yeah, when I was really trying to crash diet, all I would do, I'd heat up, like, three baked potatoes and just fucking slather them fuckers in butter. Oh, yeah. It was great. Yeah, yeah, sour cream butter. You're like, well, it's so... And I was like, this is a healthy choice. Yeah, yeah. It's like a salad. Yeah.

Very nutrient-dense food, potatoes. Very good for you. What was the other? I used to work at a Kroger, a grocery store in Indiana. It was next to a Taco Bell. And I would buy two big bags of chili cheese Fritos and a thing of sour cream. And then I would drive over to Taco Bell and get seven crunchy tacos. And I would get a big thing of fucking Red Pops.

And that would be my fucking Friday night. That's awesome, dude. It was so sick. That's awesome. It was so sick. That's high-level fat maneuvering, dude. It was so sick. To set up, to accentuate the strengths of Taco Bell. With your own grocery store sour cream and shit. That's incredible, dude. God damn it. I want to get so fucking fat again. I know. It's pretty cool. It's so cool. It's cool being incredibly fat and having to be like, Jesus Christ, just...

Let's not get fatter than this. That's really hard. I heard you say you said you're like 320. Is that right? Since then, I've lost. I'm like 307. I was going to say, you don't look a pound over 306. Thanks, man. Thank you, man. That means a lot.

Yeah, no, it's fucking wild getting this shot. Sorry, I made eyes at the camera. Oh, yeah, yeah, you fucking... Hey, whatever, man. I'm all right. I'm doing okay. I have no wife to lose with my behavior. I'm destroying myself solo. Not jeopardizing the lives of others. Oh, fuck. Goddamn. Oof.

Ah, that's a nice sound. That's the sound of my good pal Eldis cracking open a refreshing Twisted Tea. Folks, Twisted Tea, how is that, Eldis?

This is awesome. Delicious. I honestly love Twisted Teas so much. It's incredible. Yeah. And it's about to be football season, folks. It's about to be drink some smooth, delicious beverage all day while watching your favorite team. No bubbles, no carbonation to stop you. Those bad boys go down smooth. They taste like real iced tea because they're brewed with real iced tea. It's a refreshing drink. 5% alcohol by volume. A beautiful little beverage for a beautiful time of the year.

It's getting crispy out there. There's nothing better than cracking open one of these beautiful Twisted Teas. We got the original flavor. We got, look at this, the game day pack. Half and half, raspberry, peach, the original flavor, of course. So, you know, don't be a dunce. Don't be a dumbass. Be like my friend Eldis here. Sip a delicious Twisted Tea. Be like us. Be like us here at the Stobbies World podcast.

podcast and enjoy a twisted tea this football season this end of summer whatever you're doing suck down a delicious twisted tea whether you're outdoors whether you're inside whatever the occasion go grab one today wherever the heck they're sold they're sold everywhere by the way you can grab one right now go outside first store you see pop in there i mean it's gotta sell i

delicious beverages, but don't go to a fucking, you know, don't go to a Dollar Tree and, of course, where the fuck is my Twisted Tea? But you know what I'm saying. Go get you a Twisted Tea. They're beautiful and have a beautiful time and think of us while you're sipping on them. Ah.

So good. Grab a refreshing twisted tea today and keep it twisted. We could go all fucking night, but I do feel like we have to get some fucking questions here. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because there's so much more trash. So much more trash in your life we have to get to in your subsequent appearances once you move back. Yeah, once I move back and I'm on here one and a half to two times a year. Oh.

Hey, man, more people can't go last minute. You know, maybe up to four or five. What do we got, Eldis? What up, stop. What up, Eldis? What up, guest?

I got a interesting position I'm in and I need some advice. So I befriended this guy about seven years ago in a yoga teacher training course. And it was really fun. It was like six months long every weekend. A bunch of us got to know each other.

Super fun. I hooked up with one of the girls. That's cool. That's awesome. It was super cool. Yeah. And made some friends. Now I think it's cool. That is cool. He's older. He's actually from India. Oh. Be so fucking careful, dog. Be so fucking careful. Go back. Go back. Tom's got his fucking antenna up. Let's see what we got here. He's older. He's actually from India. And, you know, practiced yoga there.

He was just a cool guy. Anyway, so we keep all teaching throughout the last couple years. And like I said, it's been like seven years. So I know the guy really well. He stayed at my house even. He's super fun. We'd get drunk, watch weird old Indian music videos.

Anyway, it came out like a couple weeks ago that he was trying to like molest a couple of the We'll send you back to India where they're not so hard on doctors

They appreciate doctors out there. They know a man has to blow off some steam after a hard day of diagnosing. All right, so we got a molesting yoga Indian teacher. Oh, God. Great producing, man. Did you do this on purpose? Of course he did. You dirty mother fucker. Of course he did. He searched Indian creeps. Yeah, he control F'd all our messages from molest. Indian molest.

Go ahead. Let's finish. By the way, I love that there's more to this question. This is crazy. I love that this guy even has a question. What is the fucking question? Do I keep hanging out with this guy? Dude, he has some hilarious Indian YouTube videos and we get drunk and we fuck chicks. Minor consensual. I don't ask about him. Dude, you should see his fucking shit, dude.

See how limber that motherfucker is. All right, let's finish this up here. Oh, God. He was trying to, like, molest a couple of the students. Well, not trying. Yeah, he did. It did get bad, but apparently he asked some girl to stay after and then, like, got her in the studio and she was, like, younger, obviously, like, you know, in her 20s or something.

And he put her hands on her and started rubbing her chest and then, like, kissed her. You know, and this is, like, this girl's first yoga class. She thinks that's what yoga is now. Hopefully she doesn't have parents from Indiana. She tells her Indiana parents she's going to a yoga class. They're like, you better watch out. There's going to be an Indian trying to touch your tits and give you kisses. That's what you want? That's what they're doing over there.

I saw it. I saw it. This is literally what your step family thinks of Indians. They all do yoga and molest white women. That's what this guy hates. They were right. My step family was right. All right, all right. Let's finish this up. You know, and just totally creeped out on her. So she reports it, obviously. You know, she runs out of the freaking building. Yep.

And he catched her with his really long doll sim. He's laughing his ass off. I know, I know. It is really funny when we come back in and he's got a little mirth in his voice. You can tell he's smiling. You're like, what the fuck is this thing? He's not horrified that his

Friend molested a girl? She obviously, like, ran out of the room. I mean, duh, but it is pretty funny. He's talking about, like, you know, she sat on a whoopee cushion and she ran away because she's embarrassed. Like, he's saying it with that kind of fucking... He molested. Fucked up. All right. She was assaulted, but anyway, let's finish all this. So, you know, he's fired, and, you know, other girls are kind of like, hey, yeah, he was pretty creepy towards me. So here's the situation.

How do I... Do I call this guy again? No. Do I ever talk to him again? It's really weird because, like I said, you know, he didn't try to bless me. Oh my god, dude. What the fuck, dude? Who is this guy? What a fucking psycho. Come on, he never tried to rape me. He didn't try to suck my dick. What? What? This is insane, dude. He's the only diversity in my life. This is literally like...

This Indian guy did what your racist family thinks, and this guy is like, every woman listening is like, that is what men are. That's what every man is like. Yeah, it's so true. Hey, look, the guy raped. Come on. He's really good at yoga. Yeah, he's cool to me. I don't have a lot of guys I can play pool with, man.

Do you call him? He's not even like, look, the guy's been blowing me up. How do I get him out of my life? He's like, do I go out of my way to get him back? He's not even like, how

How do I deal with this guy wanting to stay friends with me? How do I get him back? He's really freaked out about all the allegations. He won't go to Buffalo Wild Wings with me anymore. How do I get him back in public? I can feel him backing away from me. I feel it. He's just not texting back as quick. I'm really worried he's going to run back to India. And I'll lose him forever. Ha ha ha ha ha.

God damn dude. Is there more to this Elvis? What is this? Weird because like I said, you know, he didn't try to bless me. I never got that vibe from him. He was always just really cool. I mean, there's a thick accent. Yeah, the accent. Yeah, that's it.

You know, like I said, he did, he stayed at my house while he would teach, you know, he was from out of town and he would drive in to teach, uh, for, you know, their teacher training and stuff. So, you know, got to know him really well, really liked the guy, would talk philosophy, would talk yoga. Philosophy. Don't know how to handle it as a gentleman. You know what I mean? Like I said, do I just ditch this guy? Do I never talk to him again? Do I reach out to him? And if so, I mean, I want to confront him about it, but... Reach out. I don't want to be like, so tell me your side. And what would you confront him about? Oh, God. Yeah, tell me your side. Anyway,

Well, you see, I saw a girl I wanted to fuck, and I was hoping due to being her teacher, maybe I could just kind of... She'd be too dear in the headlines to do anything. Maybe she would freeze up, and I could maybe make her jack me off. That's my side of the story. That is my side. It's a good side. It's a good side. A very fair side. You understand. You get it. Yeah, man. I mean, this is fucking insane of you to even be saying this.

The fact that he hasn't reached out. It's like if he were to reach out to you, you'd be like, hey, man, that was really fun. You're a fucking sex criminal. I don't want you in my life. That's how I handle it, man. I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, this is crazy. I mean, I think he should start comedy. I think the Sandian dude. Yeah, this guy should start. He should go on Jordan Peterson and talk about how they're trying to cancel him out of the yoga community. For what? Getting a little push. Being too charming. I'm showing a lot of restraint here, folks.

I want that on the record. I can do it. I can do it. I am showing an immense amount of restraint.

You started to dip a couple times. I know. Do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's think about when we release this, Eldest. Maybe we move this up in the summer when I don't have anything going on. We have a movie coming out later. We have the tour. Anyway, maybe bleep a couple things. Bleep a lot of stuff.

Believe a lot of stuff. It'll sound so much worse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, yeah. So anyway...

Insane to be thinking about how to get this guy in your life. Think of it as being the only silver lining here is that you don't have to be friends with a sex criminal anymore. That's the silver lining here. So, yeah. Who's he going to talk about yoga with now? It's tough, man. Yeah, you're right. Seven years. I mean, you're just going to throw that all down the drain? They watched Indian music videos together.

I'm sure those are some really good philosophical discussions. Oh, yeah. Just hammered. But does no really mean no? That was his main one that he kept coming back to. Sometimes they say that with their eyes and their poses. Even more their chakras. Their auras. Their pussy stone is glowing. Yeah.

Yeah, man, this is crazy. Next question, Eldis. That was great. If this is about another Indian rapist, I'm going to fucking walk, dude. Hey, Stav, Eldis, guests. My question is kind of a two-parter.

Personally, I'm trying to not drink. Why would you do that? I get the urge to drink all the time. And I guess addiction isn't what I thought it would be. Okay. I thought it would be me not being able to function without drinking alcohol. Right. But it's been more, I don't feel like I'm going to have a good time without it.

Well, it's very hard to decide to not drink when my mom just went to jail recently. I live really far away from her. I relate to this. This guy's like, I see your childhood, Tom, and I raised you mom in jail. Yeah, that's pretty good. Hey, dad in jail, dad in jail, dad in jail.

That's true. But his is recent. That's tough, man. Mom, dude. You don't want your mom going to jail. That's really tough. If you reverse it, oof. Oh, I'm a dead man, dude. Thank God. I'm very lucky that my mom is great because, like,

Every therapist I've had is like, what the fuck? How did you even make it? How are you alive? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're always like, man, your mom must be really good. But mom in jail is fucking tough. A man who has a really fucked up relationship to his mom is like...

That's a tough guy. Yep. Like, I feel like dad stuff is pretty common. Yeah, it makes sense. Egos, flares, all this shit. Also, dads are often just dumbasses. Just dumb sons. Where they just, like, have their shit. Like, they're egotistical. They, like, are a little jealous of their kids sometimes. Yeah, yeah. And they're just bullheaded. They're like, why don't you fucking do it right? Whatever. Yeah. Moms are, they gotta be your, like, safe place, man. You need that shit from a basic, like, like, truly biological standpoint. Yeah, yeah.

So anyway. I wonder what she went to jail for. That's tough, man. I know. I wonder if she'll tell us. Probably not. No. I live really far away from her, and she tries to call me almost on a daily basis. I think it's every two or three days, and they're able to call. But I'm not able to do it for free anymore. I actually have to pay money. So when she calls, it costs money for me to be able to actually talk to her.

And I'm not going to pay that money. I've already spent a lot of money trying to help her out. There's a lot more to it, but the gist of it is I drink too much. I want to quit drinking. I'm stressed slash sad because my mom's in jail slash I'm trying to save money, but she wants me to bail her out. And then I have to even pay money to be able to bail her out.

Alright, thanks, Tom. Jesus Christ. What's the good God question here? That was really sad, man. I'm sorry, buddy. I mean, you got Tom pissed off. You fucking pissed me off, dude. You got Tom pissed. Now I'm pissed off. We were just yucking it up about his ex-criminal father who didn't love him at all.

And you've actually depressed us even more than that. Poor guy, man. No, no, this is tough. That's tough, man. Okay, so I think he's talking about the drinking, but very clearly, this will happen from time to time where it's like ostensibly a question is about one thing. Yeah. And he just reveals what the actual issue is here. And that's we can only, we only have so much to go off of. Sure. But I think it's like what we were wondering about his mom, like,

It doesn't seem like this is a one-time thing, right? Clearly, he has this super long history. And without question, the drinking is connected to the stress of his mom and his childhood and all this stuff.

And I don't think it's a coincidence that he's finding it very hard not to drink when his mom is in jail. Yeah. It's not about you not thinking you're going to have fun anymore, buddy. It's about... Like, it's so much deeper than this. And we can tell where he's like... Just again, from our guesses, from context clues, where it's like, I've already spent a lot of money. Yeah. She wants me to bail her out. It's like, this is clearly a deadbeat, right? Yeah. And it's tough. We talked about it...

when the call started, but dad beat mom's very tough. Tough. Dad beat dad is like, you know, there's so much of that going around. It's almost like even dads that are around aren't good. Yeah, a lot of them are still kind of vacant in a lot of ways, yeah. Having a shitty dad, it's like, whatever. Most people deal with that. And so...

If we're reading this correctly and you have a mom who wasn't really there for you but demands a lot from you and it's one thing. Look, people have fucked up childhoods. Tom's fucking here. You know what I mean? It happens. You get over it. But it's even tougher when elements from your child, whether it's family, whether it's friends, whether it's whatever, debts, whatever.

Health problems. Shit like that tries to suck you back. Yeah. It's like, dude, your childhood's over. Your mom probably fucked up a lot of shit. Yeah. But you were the kid. And this is something that a lot of people have to, like, work on. And I know this because I had guilt issues big time where I felt like I needed to help my family out, all this stuff. Yeah, yeah. But at a certain point, you got to just fucking... You got to realize you're the kid. Mm-hmm.

You didn't fail anyone here. You didn't ask to be born, right? Yeah, yeah. It's like you fucking... I'm guessing you didn't come into a very planned situation, right? That's on your mom and whoever knocked her up that you haven't even mentioned. It sounds like... It does not sound like... And it's like, oh, and by the way, my dad rules. And I don't know what to do right now because my dad's on safari for the last...

for the next three months and I don't know what to do until he takes me to Europe for the rest of the summer. That doesn't seem like it's in the cards for him, right? That's pilot job really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's actually in Africa giving a lot of children clean water right now.

So, yeah, dude, I guess my general advice here is you have to be selfish in a way. You have to worry about you. Yeah, dude. Put your own mask on first, dude. 100%. And, like, look...

I clearly your relationship. I don't know enough, whatever. You should probably talk to a therapist. We've, we've clearly gotten into, so you need to talk to the, talk these, this feeling in this situation out more with an actual professional. There's Medicaid therapists too. Yeah. Yeah. I was on Medicaid therapy and honestly, I liked that a lot.

Yeah, I liked the cheap therapist I had more than when I got an expensive one. Me too. I stopped going. I think it's actually bullshit, but hey, you should get down. And Tom doesn't have any issues in his life. They kept saying my drinking was...

Yeah, you get these expensive therapists and they waste all the fucking time talking about drinking. And can we talk about the other problems? Like how I could have been on fucking Are You Garbage More? Are You Garbage Patreon? I could have been opening for Kippy and Foley right now. I could at least get a 10-minute feature on We Might Be Drunk.

Come on! I can pop in! I can pop in with DeRosa, but no, I had to move to Los Angeles. Why can't we talk about that instead of my drinking? The taste buds might have mentioned my YouTube special. I want to argue about Oreos with South Volcano!

I want to meet Krista Stefano's trans uncle. I've never met that guy or girl. I'm not sure. It's unclear.

Could have mingled with Jim Norton's trans life. Why can't I get calamari with Nicky Norton? If that's your name, I'm sorry if I got it wrong. Why won't my expensive therapist let me talk about that? No, I just got to hang out in my big backyard all fucking day.

Oh, I get to love my beautiful wife. So, all right, just back to our friend here because that was a great riff. I am worried about him.

Yeah, dude, you got to fucking parse these like family mom feelings. And my hunch is what Tom said about putting your own mask first. You got to be in a good place before you can help other people out. And you might even get to a place. This happened with me where in my 20s, I was just like, I need to be away from my family. I need to get away. I can't be around them day to day. And there was even years where I lived in a different part of Baltimore and saw them less than...

than I do now. Yeah. You know what I mean? I was 20 minutes away and I was like, I want nothing. I just couldn't. I need to be my own. I need to figure my own shit out. I did a similar thing. Yeah. You gotta take some space for yourself when

when you need it. It's tough because you're born into this shit and you're already like, oh, I'm a piece of shit son if I don't do this or that. Like you said, you didn't ask for it. And it takes you a while to realize that shit. I had to have a realization of like, oh, wait, a lot of this shit was not my fucking fault. Right, none of it. None of it, really. I was a boy. I was a little kid. But I will say really quick, the drinking thing, if you really are, if that's what you want to focus on, there is a book. I know I was...

I've joked about my drinking and stuff, but like, uh, jokes. I did slow down a lot when I read this book, uh, called the easy way to stop. I think it's called the easy way to quit drinking from Alan Carr. And you, you don't drink at all. I'm doing a sober year. Oh, I'll be back. I'll be back. Nice. No weed.

That's the tough one for me. Yeah, I'm shocked. That's really the tough one for me. I will say, the way that a lot of comics are with weed where they can smoke all the time, I try to do that to substitute booze. It fucks me up worse. My hangovers are worse. It's crazy. I can't get out of bed. No, no, it fucks me up. It slows me down way more. But it's free online. It's by this dude named Alan Carr. And just reading a little bit of it, I was like, oh, shit, I do want to slow down. It made me like...

check it it'll make you check your drinking even having the realization that you're like I don't think I'll have fun if I don't do it it's like yeah that's bad you shouldn't I get it I mean that's how I feel right now right right right Tom just told a story about how he read a book that's helped millions of people quit drinking and he cut back on beers a little bit well it's like it had some effect it made me mostly switch to wine I read two pages alright

It was a boring ass book. It makes you want to quit drinking. It sucks. But yeah, dude, you got to fucking do this shit. You got to look out for yourself and talk to somebody who you can actually explain the intricacies of the situation. I can't really tell you

From where I'm standing, even though my hunches don't talk to your mom right now, she's got to figure shit out. Talk to somebody who can you can actually discuss the intricacies of this with Medicaid therapist, whatever. But you got to you got to worry about yourself for a while, buddy. And like it might come back around. It really did for me. It's like I didn't fuck with my family. I needed my own space. I felt like I figured my shit out.

I got to come back and now I have a really good relationship with them. Even, you know, even people that I had issues with in the past were figuring that shit out. And I think it's possible, but you got to be your own guy. And it's also possible that if they do guilt you too much or if, you know, your mom doesn't want, isn't trying to meet you halfway or anything, it can be some hard truth of you have to be prepared for something.

Maybe getting reconciled, but you have to be prepared for setting a boundary. And if she refuses, if she keeps crossing it, cutting her out of your life for at least a while. But you've got to figure that out. You've got to actually talk to somebody about it. And it sounds like you've at least got a little time where you can avoid her pretty easily. No, I will not accept the call. Unplug that phone, baby. We've talked about this before with people who called in where they just have historically shitty parents and, you know,

the kids become adults and the parents just end up in like some kind of dire straits and they like need the kids help. And you just have like, you know, that innate human, like compulsion to like help your parents when they're like in trouble and you feel like guilty if you don't or feel like you can or something. But I've talked about it before where it's like, you know,

At a certain point, especially if your parent shows, like, no signs of, like, improving themselves or, like, trying to fix their own problems, like, you can only help them as much up until the point of, like, you know, you don't want to sink with the ship. Yes. So you're like, I'll give you, I'll lend you an ear. I'll try to find you resources to help or whatever it is. But, like...

I can't dump my bank account trying to get you out of jail and bailing you out. To stop the vig on your loan for three weeks. I'm so curious what she did to go to jail, too. It can't be like murder.

You're going to get bailed out for that, right? No, he should probably rob somebody. Took a shit in a 7-Eleven. But an extension of that, too, is like, you know, that's also why you shouldn't, like, resort to drinking from the stress of it. Because that is, like, going down with the shit. And, like, dumping, like, your own positive energy. It's, like, a different way. It's not just material. It's also, like, the psychic toll it takes on you. So don't, like, give, you know...

that up either to like try to help your mom who's probably gonna go yeah whatever yeah sticking up 7-11 yeah I bet it was some sort of drunken disorderly conduct yeah so maybe drugs who knows who fucking knows oh yeah it could be drugs drugs seems like a pretty good one yeah call in let us know what your mom did

We're betting on it. And if she's one of those mugshot baddies. Did your mom get on mugshouties? That's right. They need to start a MILF section of mugshouties. Actually, I bet a nice amount of them have kids. They probably are. They're just young. That's so generous of you to not think that those people have kids. You're right. Most of it is you're right. They just had them at fucking 17 or whatever. All right, LD, what else we got? All right, stop. So.

I had a girlfriend for a little over two years and her and my best friend of 10 years started hooking up behind my back at the end of our relationship. Towards the end? I was cheating on her the whole time. What a twist! That was awesome. This guy rules. Here's the thing though. Here's that fucking whore thought she had me. I didn't even

I didn't even like that guy and I fucked a bunch of girls. That's awesome. Here's the kicker. Here's the kicker, though. Come back on me. Here's what's really fucked up. I was actually cheating the whole time. That's the quickest, like, Shyamalan movie of all time. He hit us with a twist within the same sentence. The end of the movie just cuts to flashbacks of him fucking. All right. This is great. Let's see what else he's got.

The whole time we were together pretty much. But I would tell my friend about it all the time. So towards the end, he used that for his advantage. And after I found out, I got pissed. So I'm wondering, I want to beat the shit out of him. But I know that his response is bad. I cheated on her, so it doesn't matter. That's not true. Should I just beat the shit out of him or should I forgive him and be friends with him? Forgive him?

Or should I just pay both of them equally? Okay. This guy's a fucking dickhead. This is awesome. This guy's so stupid. It's kind of refreshing, though. It's so good. That is a mouthwash after that. That's great. That's refreshing for sure. That's really good. There's no hemming and hawing.

There's no being like, but my trauma made me do it. He's like, I was getting pussy, but he was my friend and it hurt my feelings and I think I deserve to fuck him up. Now, I'll say this. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. If you have something, jump in, but I have some thoughts.

Yeah, I was just going to say, any time the question is, should I beat the shit out of somebody? Like, you're thinking about it. Right, right, right. The wheels are spinning. Maybe I should beat the shit out of this guy. Yeah, yeah. It's not like an instinctive thing. It's like, I have a pros and cons sheet over here. Do I fuck this guy up? Yeah, it would feel good. He is gay. That's the pros. That's like...

I'm me so mad. So good. Okay, so here's really my true thoughts on this is you're a piece of shit. When it comes to the girlfriend, you have no recourse. You cheated on her constantly. She deserves to do something like this to you. She does, right? When it comes to the friend, though...

That is, I actually am on his side in terms of beating the shit out of this guy. Because it's like, look, it's kind of the same way where it's like, look, man, you just don't snitch. Yeah, it's fucked up. You know what I mean? It's like, I know theoretically, you know, it's like, it's the legal thing to do, but it's like snitching is, I just don't respect it. There's more about, you know what I mean? It's like.

Theoretically, he shouldn't beat the shit out of this guy. But this is a major violation of, like... Especially when we're dealing with a fucking idiot like this. Yeah. Like, this is a betrayal on your friend's part. Yeah. It is. And look, some people... And it's weird because he knew the whole time. It's not like... If it's been ten years... Yeah. Or wait, the best friend in ten years. Yeah, yeah. Oh, two years. A little over two years. So it's like...

If he didn't tell her from the jump, it's like, why... You waited until you could use it to leverage to fuck? Yeah, he started hitting the gym a little bit. The friend's, like, using the moral high ground to, like, ease his guilt of, like, breaking bro code, basically. Right, right. It's like nothing to do with him. Nothing to do with him. It's like, hey, man, maybe you shouldn't cheat on your girlfriend or whatever, but... Here's the thing. If the guy was like, he felt bad for this woman, and he was like, look, I...

this is weird for me to be here, but you're a nice person. You don't deserve this. I am breaking bro code and getting nothing out of it except being a good guy because I morally am against cheating. But you, he actually, I respect the friend so much less. It's crazy. Again, I don't respect the call.

He's a fucking idiot. I respect him a little bit. He's kind of funny. He's pretty funny. I didn't say I didn't like him. I just don't respect him. I do like him. I just don't respect him. That twist. You know, the kicker. That really got me. I really liked that. I was so ready for another really sad one. Yeah, yeah. This one's awesome. Yeah, yeah. This one is really funny. But yes, this is an insane violation. Your friend's a piece of shit. Yeah. He is in the circles, in the Dante's circles of hell. He is in a deeper circle of hell. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah, it's fucked up. And so, but to Tom's point, if you had found out about this and you fucked him up, that's one thing. Yeah, that is a fully different thing. But the fact that you've been stewing for a couple months, and I remember having these feelings. I remember being like, there was a year in my life where I was like,

I think I'm... There's a guy I think I'm going to fuck up if I ever see him. Yeah. And there are people like that, right? Like, there is... Yeah, yeah. That happens sometimes, but now is when we start giving you actual advice here. It's like, if you're out of the place where you instinctually have to fuck him up, violence doesn't... will not actually help you out here.

No, it's never good. It won't help the situation. It might feel good in the moment, but then it's like your hand's all fucked up. You might get fucked up. Yeah, what if you lose the fight? Then he's cucked you, betrayed you, and fucked you up. And what if they knock you out and then fuck on top of your...

Fucking passed out body, dude. Wouldn't that piss you off, man? But yeah, you're right, Aldous. He is fully... This guy just has the fake moral high ground. Yeah. And he's using it to be a fucking scumbag to his friend. I think you definitely just got to be done with it. I don't think he would forgive the guy. He's not your friend. He's clearly not your friend. No.

But you also shouldn't hate the girl. You're a piece of shit to her. She shouldn't want you in her life. That's how you behave towards her. It's not up to you. It's so funny that he said, should I just hate both of them equally? You don't get to fucking hate her. What did she do to get hated? Well, she fucked the guy. You know what? Fuck her, actually. Dude. Yeah, no, that sucks. That's really great. Honestly, you're kind of evil. I would say...

Two straight years of cheating the whole time. And look, maybe he's kind of fluffing up his credentials. Maybe he's hurt and he's trying to be like, I can hurt her too. But I don't think so. He does seem like the kind of guy who's relatively straight shooter. I don't think he's hiding any of this aces up his sleeve. So if you were cheating with her for two straight years with multiple girls, I actually think the math of like,

a best friend versus two years of kind of even. Yeah. You're both kind of even. There's nothing. There you go. I say move on from her. Wash hands, shake hands. Shake hands. Get out of there. Game respects game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a nice job. But yeah, this guy's not your friend. God, I want pictures of all the people involved, man. Yeah, that would be so hot.

And I wouldn't... Again, I kind of understand why it'd be the shit of him, but it's like, let this be a start of the next chapter of your life. Or maybe you don't cheat on your girlfriend for two years. Maybe you start dating a girl...

And you're like, hmm, I'm not mature enough to be in a relationship. Instead of taking up a lot of her time while also getting pussy, I'll just break it off like a man, right? Let this be the start of your life where you're not violent when you don't need to be and you're not cheating when you don't have to be either. Yeah. Because as much as we like you, you've certainly got some changes to make in your life. Great guy. I love this guy. Good stuff. Good stuff, buddy. Good stuff. What a piece of shit that guy is.

I mean, I really hate his friend. Yeah, the friend does suck shit. That's too bad. I mean, he would be friends with a guy who cheats on his girlfriend all the fucking time. Wow, come on, Tom. I guess we got those fellas. Let's not fucking be, you know. There's, of course, certain comedies. Look, let's just, you know, lest ye judge or whatever the fuck. Sure, sure, sure. Lest ye be judged or whatever.

We're all fucking religious around here. You're right. Yeah, it's not good, right? But it's like, whatever. Just

It's not my problem. It's not my problem. How old are they is another thing. Because cheating on a wife or a serious girlfriend, that's different than cheating on a 20 relationship in your early mid-twenties. Yeah, when you're like, there's no way they're going to end up together. Right, right, right. It's like, dude, chill, but whatever. The way people tell me to stop eating pizza...

That's how you should tell your friends to stop cheating on your girlfriend. Hey, man, come on. This probably isn't good for you, man. I'm like, shut the fuck up and mind your business. Do your thing, man. Do your thing. I like doing stuff like this. It's not hurting you.

I'm putting this Italian man's family through college. You want me to tell the sandwich shop you don't want me to fucking keep ordering from here? You tell them. You tell them these three times a week orders are going to stop. Watch them cry. What else we got, Elders?

Respect. Yes. Oh, yeah.

I'm looking for any tips you have on how to avoid just eating myself into submission every night on

I have literally done this. The cake. It's great. We've done it in college. It wasn't to celebrate. Yeah, we know you could make up your own celebration. I remember even telling myself, well, I'm getting the little one. I get in the big sheet where I'm getting the circle one. That's fucking, that's barely anything for one serving. Anyway, I feel like this room could host like a four day symposium, like conference on this very topic. Uh,

Dude, I don't know, man. I mean, this is truly my biggest addiction. This is truly what I struggle with more than literally anything. Yeah.

What I've been doing is I'm on ice cream methadone, which is Halo Top. I thought I would get roasted as shit if I said Halo Top. Not in these walls, brother. Because I was going to say I do it with Halo Top. Because Halo Top, it's like 300 calories for the full fucking pint. Yeah, and it's not good for you. It's got some weird sugars, alcohol, whatever the fuck is in there. It's definitely not. It's too expensive. It is...

You find it. Every once in a while, there's a crazy deal. When you get the deal, you gotta load up. Like four bucks a pint or whatever. And I wanted to do a thing and my wife wouldn't let me. This is how desperate we all are for fucking content. I was like, what if I do like a month of only eating Halo Top? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You wouldn't have food? No. It would just be halos. She talked. I was like, okay, what if I eat one regular thing a day and then the rest of the meals are all halos? Like you would have three halotops a day? Yeah, yeah. Probably four. I mean, they're 300 calories.

So four of those and then lunch, dinner, then I would just maybe have like an egg or something for breakfast. A month is insane. Yeah, a month was maybe. But a week of Halo Top would be funny. I kind of want to do it still. You should do a week of Halo Top. I'm a little worried. I don't want it to fuck up my ability to have children or something. Right, right, right. I don't know what it will do. Nobody's ever tried it. Dude, you're a fucking scientist. I do want to try it. I might do that for you too. I might do it for the team.

Do it for the tube, man. Come on. Do it for the tube. Let us know. We'll post about it. We need more scientists like you. Yeah. I agree. Okay. And there's another thing. We do something called Meathead Dessert, which is Greek yogurt and... They got delicious protein powders now. Oh, that's interesting. And there's one that I really particularly... There's a Quest...

And you know, I'm trying to help this guy out so much that I'm breaking my own rule of no free products. Yeah. We like to make everyone pay for a mention here. Quest used to send me shit too, man. Really? It was awesome. Oh, fuck. Maybe they'll send something. But the one I love is the Quest cinnamon. It's like a cinnamon toast crunch one. It has little fucking pebbles in it. It has like little crunches in it. It's a powder? It's a powder. Ooh, baby. We have some in there. I'll give you some. I might take some of that for you, man.

Get some Greek yogurt, mix some of that shit in. Even put a little bit of honey if you need to. Start with a Greek yogurt thing with protein powder that's kind of decadent. Put a little nut butter in there. You know what I mean? It will still be better than the ice cream, and it is really good. And then eventually you fucking go from 2% to skim to no honey, just the protein powder, a couple mixed berries. These are all the tricks that I use to get off. Those are good ideas.

And it's good for you and that keeps you full. This is what you're doing at night? I'll do that at night. I do meathead dessert at night or Halo Top. I'm trying to get off Halo Top just because I need to break the dependence on ice cream. Yeah, yeah. I need to. And it still is. I remember Tim Dillon had a bit where he was just going off. He would have people yell out about ice cream and he would make fun of them for whatever. And Halo Top was one that he was like, fuck.

fuck you, that's not ice cream, it's shit, whatever. And I was like, man, I really like it. Yeah, yeah. I love it so much, man. They actually, speaking of, they do have

Here's something crazy. I haven't seen it very much. I've only seen it in Baltimore. They have one that mimics birthday ice cream cake. I love that one, dude. That one's 360 calories. I mean, we're getting in the weeds now. They're going to inch up to like 700. There are some that are 390. I've never seen a 390. I do find myself...

towards the 360s. They're so much better. They're way better. Yeah, but that one 360, it's like, that's nothing. Come on. Sometimes I only eat half of one. That's a hundred and eighty calories. I mean, that's fucking nothing.

All right, well, you get it. We got to go before we start spiraling about fucking ice cream. Me and Todd, this is not about this guy's question anymore. We're not bad guys. We should get some ice cream, dude. And, yeah, sometimes we have a pint and a half sometimes. I'm going to go drink. And also the Target cheap one. Have you ever had the Target low calorie one? No, I've never had that. They go up to $3.90, but...

$3.90 is fine. Anything under $5. Yeah. Oh, baby. Let's go. I like that birthday cake one. The birthday cake is so good. It's so good. And then the red velvet's really good, too, man. I've never tried it. It's got chocolatey chunks in it. It's so fucking good. Oh, interesting. That's a $3.60. How long have we been going, Elders? Because I am thinking about going to the grocery store now. We're at $1.28. Oh, let's do one more. I love it. We could have gone on for two hours.

Play us off with something good, Eldis. Our friend Thomas here has some fucking... Has some fucking... Sweet New York sets to do. How about a cautionary tale? All right. Beautiful. I might skip my first... Hey, Savvy, long-time listener. Calling from the... We'll call it New York Metro. Okay. Don't really have a question. I actually want to give...

Okay.

Slipped and fell and broke his fucking neck and ended up being quadriplegic for two years in a nursing home. Two years? You know, basically he shelled himself and then he passed away a little over a year ago. And, yeah, I mean, it's pretty shitty. Our relationship was getting better, you know, and now there's really no chance of that, so...

Yeah, man, I mean, this seems kind of like more your thing than me. It's like a little projection. Yeah, good for you, buddy.

Here's why I take this with a grain of salt. He says their relationship was getting better. What that actually was, was him feeling sorry for his old crippled dad. You just feel bad for an old guy. No, I think he said it was getting better before the fall. Oh, okay, okay. But no, I know what you're saying. And it does actually mean more coming from someone who went through it as opposed to... Because there's nothing worse than people who have no idea what they're talking about being like...

Hey man He could be gone tomorrow It's like Not my fucking problem Yeah You love both your parents Yeah That's like You're imagining me being mean To your good parents That's what I try to do I have all these bits About my stepdad And how I want him To kill himself Yeah

And sometimes people are like, whoa. And I'm like, I'm not talking about your stepdad that you like. I'm talking about my piece of shit stepdad. Like, fuck you. It annoys the fuck out of me when people come from that. People really have this weird thing where it's like every parent is automatically good or like... No. Some don't deserve your fucking time. It's weird. I mean, I think it's because everybody fears being a parent that's not respected by their kid on some level. So when they see that behavior, it's kind of like, you know, it's kind of like how...

work where it's like, hey, you're on the, the child is the shit, has to take the, shit flows downhill. You know what I mean? So it's like a child can't shit on a parent because what if I'm a shitty parent and my kid is mean to me? You know, it's kind of like how every poor person, it's kind of why everybody in Indiana votes Republican. It's like, well, when I get rich though, they're going to take my money. And,

And I can't have that even though I haven't gone to the doctor in fucking eight years. No. And both my limbs fucking tingle. Both my legs tingle when I fucking sit. I got new COVID. I got kinds of COVID you don't even know about. Yeah, that is so true. They're all just like millionaires who don't have any money. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I get it, man. I appreciate it, I suppose. I think it's coming from a good place, whatever. But, you know, fuck you also. You don't really know my situation. Yeah, what the fuck, man? I'm sorry about your dad. Yeah, fuck you, dude. It also is too late sometimes. My dad's dead. Yeah, he's being reincarnated as a bug for all his rapes. He's getting squished by his bug ass.

I'm going to stomp. He's a possum. Yeah, he's worked his way up the possum now. He's worked his way up the possum. He's getting run over by some Indiana freak. He's roadkill for the next hundred years. I'll try to fucking mend it with his possum once he turns into a frog or some shit.

Oh, fuck. Well, that's a fun little way to end. But yeah, you know, we're working on it, man. Don't worry. Sorry to hear... Hey, listen, honestly, sorry to hear that about you and your dad. That's tough. But, you know, what are you going to do? So...

Yeah, and also fuck you. Tom, thanks for being here, buddy. Dude, thanks. This was so fun. Should Pete, anything you want to plug in particular? Oh, yeah. Go to my YouTube. I'm bulking it up. I'm doing a series now where it's me on the road, just the bullshit that I do each week. So I gamble and drink a bunch. I know. There's so much more. We didn't even get into your weird... You were like engaged when you were like...

12 or whatever. We haven't gotten into so many trashy parts of Tom. There's so many trashy things to talk about. On his subsequent appearances, folks, we'll get into them. Go check out the YouTube. Follow Tom. See him live if he's coming. Wherever you are. Hilarious guy. One of my favorite comics. Go check him out. And we will talk to you guys next week. Bye-bye.