#87 - Jake Johnson
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We're here in our studio. This is our studio, our new studio. We built it. No one else has ever done a podcast here. Isn't that right, Eldis? Yeah, that's right. The new studio's looking awesome.

Yep, we're in New York City where we've got New York resident Jake Johnson to be. It's in New York. It's in New York. Everybody says it. It's Saturday night. It's not Sunday morning. It's not 10 a.m. on Greek Easter slash Cinco de Mayo. No, no, no. It's Saturday.

It's Saturday night. I just left the club in New York. We were just in Studio 54 doing yips, this fucking guy. A lot of girls that were 14 when you girl came out just came up to him nonstop this way. He's been cheating on his wife at Studio 54 all night. But they're now like 40. So it's not weird now. Now you're good. Now you're totally dying.

We are, of course, at the Bad Friends Studio. We've taken it over. We have Santino and Bobby Lee locked in the trunk of Eldest's Toyota Yards. Who's Santino with us, actually? I know. One of us is going to fill it up. We kind of averaged out.

It's like, yeah, we've got, we combined them and it wasn't a clean transfer. It's like, you're mostly, you're 60 Santino. But I got some Bobby. But you got some Bobby and I'm obviously Bobby, but larger than some Santino. So we're kind of in the middle. Remember the Seinfeld episode where they did? The Bizarro Bad Friends. We are Bizarro Bad Friends. And welcome to your first of four episodes in the Bizarro Bad Friends studio. Yeah.

Will they all be shot today? No. They're all done over a couple days. We're here for four weeks, guys. That's what's going on here. Do we know who's even going to be here? Not really. I love talking about something that these people are going to experience over a month. Yeah. But fuck you. That's podcasting. We don't care. We're just trying to get Eldest paid. We've almost got him up to $11 an hour.

I have high hopes for next year. The grossest part of podcasting is you're just trying to pay the producers. All right, man. So with Rocket Money, does you take this...

I gotta keep ZocDoc, man. I'm not doing this as a fucking hobby. Yeah, so thanks for coming, man. We're pumped to have you. So we figured while we're in LA, we'll get some bros in here that we don't have access to over in NYC. And yeah, big fan. Had a blast on you and Garen's pod. You're hilarious. Thank you, dude. Thank you. So thanks for coming out.

on Stavi's world we'll take obviously this is good I made fun of I feel bad actually just because I made fun of Garrett for just stealing the idea but with his most famous friend and so now how's it feel you fucking piece of shit I got him now and we're doing advice nothing you can do about it

I've tried to build and Gareth isn't playing. But a couple of times I've been like, maybe you should comment on it. And he's like, no, no, I didn't steal the idea. And I'm like, okay, I know, but it'd be fun. Let's get a little battle. I obviously am not accusing you of that. I was like, it could be fun. Just tell me, call me a fat piece of shit and tell me to fuck off. Tell me to go to another Greek diner and do another podcast. My favorite part of that, you came on the pod, we're all in the Zoom talking, having fun. You're honestly a super nice guy, really sweet. Yeah.

We're just having a great time. It starts. And it so reminded me of Chicago. It's like, all right, let's get into it. And you're like, hey, how are you doing? Really happy to be here. Listen to me. You stole from me. You're back and around. I was like, oh, I'm home. I waited until the mics were on. And then it's like...

I didn't tell him Mike's wrong. I was dying. Yeah, yeah, that was awesome. But your guy's pods is hilarious. No beef in the advice pod game. This is the summit. This is like when the Bloods and the Crips are holding that bandana, the blue and red bandana. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, making peace. Making peace. Yeah, we're here to help, right? Yes. Yeah, listen to that bad boy. Yeah, it's a lot of fun, man. Yeah. So you guys do voicemails and then you just riff off it. Yeah, so we'll get a little interview. We'll do a little ask you about stuff. Just fuck around. And then we just do voicemails. And then on Patreon, we started doing the live calls. But I just don't trust my...

You guys have nicer fans, I feel like. My fans, I'm not putting live. I'm not putting them live. There's no way. You're like, I've built too much. They're behind a paywall. Yeah, yeah. I've built too much.

I've built too much in my career for you to take it down and me to laugh. Yeah, right. All I got to do is laugh at one run. And I will. I'm a generous laugher. I can't help it. And then I'm never working again. I love a good bit. But yeah, so yeah. But what's going on, man? You have a new movie out. It's relatively new on Hulu. Yeah, Self Alliance. Really funny. Thanks, bud. It's been fun. It's a fun concept of a guy who is offered a million dollars and all he has to do is just not laugh.

Get killed by hunters on the dark web. It's based off, there's a documentary right now about it on Hulu. It's based off a Japanese reality show where the Japanese reality shows of the 90s started really fucking with people in like really fun ways. Insane. Insane. Insane stuff. And I remember when I first started hearing about it, I thought that's where we were going with reality TV. Right, right, right. Like I was old enough that when Survivor started-

I thought like, oh, we're going to start doing stuff with TV. They're going to have to eat one of them. They're going to kill one of these guys. Yeah.

Like somebody... About time, yeah. Somebody's going to die on television. You know, like all the jail shows where you go like, you know, where they like literally put cameras in. They have somebody going undercover now. Totally, yes, yes, yes. I'm like, these are fascinating shows. Yeah, 90 Days In or something like that. Yes, but they'll have something where you'll have like straight up criminals and one of them will be like, to the little camera, be like, there's a rat in here. I'm like... And then there'll be like some dorky guy in a cot being like, I think they think it's me. It's like...

99 criminals. And you're laying on a cop going like, so you're from the Baltimore area. Right, right, right, right. Your ass is dead. So what, what kind of drugs can we smuggle in here, fellas? Anything to shove up your ass. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so what was the, so there's a, what was the Japanese game show? So I'm not going to try to pronounce the name, but it was a guy, a comedian gets picked. He doesn't know what he's doing. They put him in a room. They take off all his clothes. They say you can leave whenever you want. Uh,

There's no food. And they say the only way you can get food is if you win it from a contest that you see in this newspaper and magazine. He laughs. He's like, okay. He's trying to be funny. He wants me to stand up. Of course. So he's like doing bits. He's like covering his junk. Oh, no.

And he's nude. And he's nude. The Japanese really are. They humiliate you. You drop a couple atomic bombs on a culture and they will go. Something fucked up is going to happen. And you just let a culture be racist, too. That's the thing. It's like they are openly racist in Japan. Like anyone who's not Japanese. They're polite. It's the weirdest combo. And that will fuck with your head. Some samurai shit plus getting worked in world. Being friends with Hitler. Getting bombed by a Japanese.

And then a pretty big 180. Yeah, and then a slip, and then you're just good at electronics, but no one who's not Japanese gets to be treated as the same citizen. No matter how long you live there. Have you ever gone on YouTube, like foreigners living in Japan? It's insane. They'll be like, I've been here for 11 years. How was it? Very lonely. Very hard, yeah. They're treated like a beloved dog. That's the best you can hope for, is like a really, like a dog everyone likes. But that

And that just, something fucked up happens to society. Something, 100%. Where they'll put a guy, they'll just get a guy naked. And then they'll just, so what was the- So the whole thing is then he, so he realizes he's trying to be funny, he's trying to be cute. He's 22. Oh no. He wanted it bad. Tough. He was an aspiring stand-up. Oh.

Oh, a 22-year-old open miker? He's a 22-year-old open miker. That's one of the most despicable energies in the world. Agreed. And to channel that, that's genius. Then I know they know what they're doing. But then there's no food. He loses like 20 pounds in the first week. How long is he there?

I think it ended up being two years after. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two years? No. Yeah, man. He's in a room? So he's in a little apartment with no clothes. But then he like, he wins rice, right? Okay. And you see him, he's like dancing, but then he doesn't have anything to cook it with.

So he's got to like figure out how to make mush. Then after the year, he thinks he wins. They drop, they take him, put him in blindfolds, put him in another room. And he's like, where am I? They go, you're in Korea. Now figure out how to do it again and get out of Korea. What? And he did it? He did it. What did he win?

$40? Wait, are you kidding? That's the show? Yeah, they also told him... What? Yes. Yes. It's called The Contestant on Hulu. Holy shit. Truly, I recommend it. Oh, my God. Plugging a different movie while describing your movie. Well, mine came out longer. It's okay. I already got paid. It's okay.

Hell yeah, dude. What I loved about it and what I've been... I mean, my movie's good. I didn't quite nail the ending because it's hard. But what I loved about that movie and that idea of those shows is they were really pushing it. That's insane, yeah. So the guy at the end, and then they say to him, he was just on a This American Life. They rebroadcast it, but they said, like, why did you stay? Because there's not a lock on the... You're not a fucking prisoner. Wow. And he stayed because he's like, I want to do this thing.

I want to finish. I want to be a comedian. I want to be a star. What? And that's how he thought it would happen? Well, they were airing it like Truman Troll live. So he was a celebrity? But he didn't know it.

Because they said every day he had to change tapes. And they said, when you're done, give us the tapes. We might do it. After two years, they blindfold him, put him in a box that looks just like his apartment. Wait, he didn't know he was on TV? He was just doing it to do it? He was a huge spokesman. He was a huge star. The country watched. It was like the biggest hit. He's in a room that looks like his apartment. They say, like, you're doing it again. The walls fall down. It's a live studio audience. He's naked. He has a panic attack. He's like, oh.

Hasn't seen a person in two years. And then the hosts are like these, like, you know, cute ladies and a hump being like. And his dick gets hard immediately. He just smells female pheromones for the first time in two years. Yeah.

That'd be a nice feeling. And he's fully nude in front of everyone. Oh, dude. That'd be nice to not see a female in yours and have your body work properly. Yeah, yeah, that's true. So this is what's supposed to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the studio audience sees your hard dick. That's awesome. Holy shit. Dependent. Yeah, not mine. Would not be a good look. No, no, no. But the idea, that thing, whatever that is, has been the fascination of like, oh, what a fucking wild.

Wild premise. And then they were doing other things. Like I heard they did a thing where they used to have a guy. They took a Japanese guy, did a show, went to Australia. He had to go up to gay guys in bars and offer them condoms or something and hit on them. And they were trying to make a show. The guy got assaulted really bad. And it cuts off where he's like, no, no, no. What the fuck? Dude, they were pushing it. And that was –

But the country loved it. It was really popular. Getting raped in Australia. The number one show in Japan. But you see this guy, when he's talking about it, he's like, it could have been worse. They were pushing. Oh,

Oh my God. And the leader of it, there's this one guy who was like the genius behind it, is this super dark dude. And he's like, I was really trying to entertain. He's a fucking super villain. That's crazy. But it's fucking awesome. If you go to like entertainment. It is entertaining. I'm like, I would fucking watch that show so hard. Yeah. There's no, we will never write anything or be in anything as interesting as that. You can't touch it, man.

My favorite Japanese game show thing I ever watched was, you remember this one, Eldest? Do you remember this? There was a straight Japanese porn star who was like, he's like, look, I'm a pro. Sex is just like a job for me, whatever. But he only had sex with women. Only had sex with women. And there is a gay Japanese porn star, and he's like, I'm the best at giving head in Japan. Yeah.

And the guy's like, dude...

You will not make me bust. I'm straight as hell. There's no way I'm going to bust. Oh my God. And they're in a studio audience and this fucking, the guy, they put a box around the guy's dick. They have girls, and there's like polite Japanese people just like standing like in the, like they're watching like a political address, just like hands folded in like business suits. Will you nut or not? And it's literally, will this gay guy make this straight guy nut or not? And,

And it's one of the funniest videos. It's on the internet somewhere. That's the best. One of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life. They start fluffing him. So like, this guy's getting his dick sucked. Okay, so women are coming around. Women come around, you know. And he's a porn star, so he can get hard. Yeah, exactly. He's a pro. So yeah, he's not. That's not part of the game. That's not the game at all.

And so he's in a box and all these people are watching this guy get his dick sucked. And these ladies just kind of fluff him. And then here comes this fat little, and he's like, he's not hot either. He's like a fat, he honestly does look like Bobby a lot. He does look a lot like Bobby Lee. And same body type, little guy, little fat guy. By the way, if it's Santino as the guy, I'm watching that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am 100. I'm like, Santino can comment with all my Bobby. I'm in, man. Dude, they're getting there. There's no way. That's an interesting show, man. There's no way they don't end up there. Throw that on Netflix Live. I'm telling you.

I'm telling you they're ending up there. Bobby Will sucks Santino's dick. To get the Patreon numbers up. The show is called Orgasm Wars, by the way. Orgasm Wars. The Japanese show Orgasm Wars. See if you can find a picture of the little fat guy. Just so we can put it in post so people can see. That's the straight. Yeah, look at the guy's face. Oh my lord. So sad.

So he's getting his dick sucked and then the little gay guy comes out, starts sucking his dick and the guy's like, the straight guy's like, this ain't shit. He's really stinking. The dog is incredible. And then it's like something, like not even that long, like a couple minutes in, something in his demeanor changes and he's like,

It's like in Hot Ones where the wing takes a second to kick in. And he's like, that ain't shit. And they're like, whoo, it's like that Shaq clip. He's trying to play it off. It's so good. Dude, and then the gay guy's like, and then he does the, remember in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? Yeah, look at him. Look at that guy. Oh my lord, man. Anyway, remember in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, the first time where the guy called his dad to be like,

Just want to let you know I won a million dollars. The gay guy like peeks his head out, winks at the audience, knows when the guy's going to come. He's such a pro he can feel the nut traveling. I got to tell you, I don't care that he's sucking another guy's dick. That's the most gangster thing in the world. And any star guy who pretends that isn't cool, you're lame. Like you're sucking a dude's dick on TV who claims you can't make him cum and you go like this.

Yeah, he literally winks. And I think there's some cash prize, so he's about to win a bunch of money. It'd be really funny if behind his back he goes like this, like three. Yes. One. And dude, he just fucking... And the guy's like, no! No!

So incredible. Incredible stuff, man. Japan's so ahead of the curve. When I was growing up, my Uncle Eddie had some legal trouble and came live with us. And throughout the years, as I've listened, looking back to all the stories, you never know what's real or not. Of course, of course. It's one of those things where you're like,

Yeah, those were like really formative years. I believed you to be like a father figure. Of course, of course, of course. One of the real pivotal ones I look back at is we were doing some chore. My mom made us do like building, like digging fence posts or something stupid. We were just like in the yard. And he goes, he was telling some story because he had, my mom had a junk shop and he sold neon out of it. So they were always working. But I was always there too. So he was like, whenever I wasn't there, he would say like, you fucking missed it yesterday. And I'd go like, what I missed? Yeah.

Some chicks with huge canes came over. Oh, sorry. I went into Baltimore. But I tried to go Chicago. Yeah. Same guy, different voice. Throw New Jersey. Chicago has its own. Yeah. It's D's and O's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's no T's, it's D's. D, oh, interesting. But his story was, he's like, this fucking bride comes in here.

And how old are you? Like, what are we talking? 14, 15. Okay. Out of high school. I dropped out. I was like, looking at him like, you're a super cool guy. I got to get in the Uncle Eddie zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy's not allowed in your schools, has to live with us. No, I don't want to. You are in this zone. Am I nailing it? Am I nailing it? Not nailing. You nailed it. Yeah.

When the first time, when you first came on and then, you know, Garrett told me, I was watching your stuff, getting to know you. It was the first time in a long time. I'm like, I'm 15 again. Yeah. I told you. I was like, you got a whole thing cooking that is a character that is going away. Yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. And I was like, and I'm like, and it shouldn't go, I was like, this type. You need these types. You need guys like me. Yeah, but also, as we're getting older, we're getting older.

a lot of us aren't doing it. Right. No, everyone's trying to become regular hot. That's not the move. Everyone's getting fucking plugs. Everybody's fucking getting veneers. Everybody's like really trying. I mean, Ozempic now, dude. It's a game changer. I mean, just being in LA, I'm like, oh.

Everyone's on this fucking thing. But not only that, dude, what's really gross about it is because I don't give a fuck what you do. I don't care if you're blowing coke and getting skinny. Yeah. We were talking about this before, but like, I'm actually not a hater. Yeah. Because I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What I don't like is when there's

A career chubbo. Yes. God bless. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wear weight. Sure, sure, sure. Your body's probably just a little different that all of a sudden you're real skinny. I can see the bones of your face. These are people I've been out with. And I go like, how is it? And they go, intermittent fasting. Yeah. And I go. A lot of green juices. Yeah, they'll go like, dude, it's just discipline. And I'm like. You have to.

You haven't had discipline for 62 years. You got it now. That's not the way life works. You're allowed to say, I'm taking this weird drug.

And you know what I'll say? You look great. I hope there's not some weird side effect, which we all will find out in seven years. By the way, that's why I'm giving it another like seven months. Dude, there's going to be a terrible— Whenever we all jump on something, there was times doctors used to prescribe cigarettes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom told me when I was growing up, she's like, they would say like it's really good for your anxiety. Doctor!

You go to a doctor. Now they're giving you a shot and you go like, I used to be 280. Now I'm 170. What's the downfall? Nothing. Dude, really nothing at all. We checked. And how long? So the company who's making all this money on it, they're the ones who checked? Yeah. Well, not them, but a subsidiary. Did they hire you? Yeah.

And they said all good to keep selling? And they said it's all good. So I'm fine with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some weird stuff going on. Like my eyes are getting yellowish. Totally. My face does look a little weird. I have horrible nausea and diarrhea. I can't eat like certain foods. I like literally piss on oil. I can feel my liver when I eat certain foods. If I eat leafy greens, my fucking pelvis starts throbbing. But you see me in a photo on a red carpet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't look at the skin. Don't look at the shirt off, by the way. Really? I lost so much weight. The quick loss, the skin's got to be tough.

Sure. Skin's got to be tough. Skin's got to be tough. But anyway, I'm staying in the Eddie zone at least a little... In the Uncle Eddie zone at least a little longer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please. So we got a nice fat guy. Honestly, also though, please don't lose so much weight. No. And don't go through the thing where all of a sudden...

You are the kind of handsome. No, dude, come on. Well, here's the thing. I have thought about this, actually. If I ever make the pivot, it's going to be hilariously late in life. Because that's the whole thing. The John Goodman. Yeah, not even. I mean, no, that's a good point. Because Goodman did it in his 60s.

But it wouldn't be Ozabic. It would just be like plugs and veneers. You know what I mean? If you got plugs, you're such a king. Go to Turkey. Do it. You know what you should do? Yeah. Your stand-up special should be in Turkey. Yeah. Do it with the fucking scars on. Do it with the fucking diaper on my head. Do the lines.

Did you ever do your special in Greece? No, I want to go there. I mean, I'm fluent in Greek, but I'm fluent the way like, you know, like a ninth grader is. Like I have a hard time. You know, I can speak it, but it's like to do it a whole hour. I might be able to get, I can do probably 10 minutes in Greek. I got you. I was saying you do it in English. Oh, in English in Greece? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, I don't know. You don't want to do that.

Then when you go to Turkey and get plugs. Yeah. Because if you got plugs and then you got big veneers. Yeah. You're the best looking guy I've ever seen in this whole game. Fucking canceled. There's one winner in this game. That's at 60 though. That's what I'm saying. You're totally right. It'd be awesome. That's when everybody's fucked up surgeries have started like wearing down and they give up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I slam back in. Yeah. That was always my move.

I always zig when they zag. You're playing the long game, my man. I'm playing the long game, dude. You're playing the long game. So this was Eddie's look. He was like a fat. No, but he was different. But he had the kinky curly hair. He could take his teeth out. Love that. So these were a different shade of white. But when you took them out, they were fangs. And they were scary. I did.

Those little fucked up teeth. Yeah, man. And it was scary. Absolutely. But his whole thing was one day he told me, he was like, there was this long hair broad in there and she's sucking my fucking dick. And you know. At the junk shop. Yes. And you know, there's jealousy. I don't care whatever story it is. I don't care how bad it is. How fake it is. You're like. For a moment you're like, what?

And at first you go like, I've been here a lot. All I'm doing is like stripping and staining furniture. When women come in, they just see me as like a rat in the back of the shop. It's never gotten close to somebody being like, would you prefer a blowjob? Never. The steps it would take to get there, you can't even fathom.

to this day, I can't feel it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not how life works. Of course, of course. But he goes like, you fucking suck on my dick. And I'm not at the age where I'm not going like, now I would talk shit. Of course. But at that age, I was still like, You're 14, yeah. I still believed everything he said. Of course, yeah. And he was like, you fucking suck on my dick. And I'm like, in my head thinking like, my Wonder Years monologue is, this is the greatest story I've ever heard.

And in your head, it's like, if that's true, it's one of the most atrocious looking women that's ever existed. Honestly, not even yet. At that point, I hadn't even cared. All I thought was like, a woman? Walked into this place where my mother hangs. Where we like, work and hang out and get in terrible fights. And then he goes, I'm getting my dick sucked. And he goes, and then I feel a stubble on my nuts. And this is a true story. I go...

What? And he goes, I feel a fucking stubble hitting my... I go, like a man's beard? And he goes, it's a fucking guy that looks like a woman. And I go... In the moment, I'm now in the head, it's turning. And I go like...

Wow. What'd you do? And I go, I said, finish what you started. But this is why psychologically he's such a fascinating character. That's awesome. Because it finishes and I'm like, I don't think that's a cool story anymore. I think that's a bad story. That's a weird story. But you finished it. Like you dominated me and told the best story. Totally, totally. And your confidence has confused me. So I had to go like, right, that's awesome, man. Yeah.

I think a dude in a wig sucked your dick.

And then when I told my brother, he's like, that's a lie. And I'm like, why lie like that? Why say it as a guy? Yeah. He did a bunch of stuff like that. That's such a good lie. That's so crazy. But a great liar has to add an element where you go like, yeah, but hold on. Like, I don't think that makes you cool. And he goes, why do I give a fuck? I don't fucking care. I'm just telling you a story when I got my fucking dick sucked in here. I got a nut in here. What have you been fucking doing? And being like, literally nothing. Yeah.

Hanging with you. And whenever I'm not with you, you're getting your dicks sucked. I love a story where it's like, dude, you'll never believe this. And it's like, you think it's going to be awesome, but it's like, he's talking about like a minor inconvenience. Like they got his order wrong. Like they got, like, I ordered salami. It's fucking roast beef. He says it like, but it's a guy sucking his dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which I would assume this is the 90s in Chicago. He's homophobic, Eddie? For sure. Well, I mean, who knows, man?

Looking back, I will say some of those guys, and this is a ridiculous statement. The world's gotten very progressive. There's a really hard left, right? Yeah. He was a maniac. If you listened and read everything he said, he's canceled a million times. Of course. He's a wildly progressive guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's true. But you're like, it's just crazy. We literally, my mom used to hire homeless guys to deliver the furniture. So my job garnet would be me in the back of the truck with four random homeless guys. Nice.

Still to this day, some of the funniest bits I've ever heard was when the homeless guys are all like to my mom, Eve, it'd be a very polite, like, Miss Eve, you got it. You got it. Then soon they realized like, she's paying us in cash and we're kind of in and we got fed. Then once you finished a job and they're like with their shaky alcoholic hands, they're like, I can do this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When they would let it rip, I would be crying.

Of course, dude. Where you're like, you fucking, and it's changed homelessness. Yeah. I'm like, you fucking guys are so funny that you ended up on this show. You're too funny for a job, man. You can't have a job, dude. Like, you guys are on another level of bits. What are we talking? What are they doing back there in the van? What are they up to? What are some of those homeless bits? All the blowjobs they get. Everything. Yeah. All the sex they're having. Yeah.

How cool they were when they were younger. Yes, man. That's awesome. And at 15, just being there. Like, I hear it. And then being like, man, you don't know, Jake. Yeah, yeah. And being like, you're right. You're right. Let me know. I have no proof. There's no paper trail. Just go for it, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got two hours of moving futons. Well, this is the first time probably in years that, like, someone who lives indoors has to listen to them. Right.

You know what I mean? Like that was, you in that van is the first time someone with plumbing. Somebody who lives indoors because all of them together, they are part of the same community. Absolutely. Where you're like, if we, we all live outdoors, I'm not listening to your bullshit. Of course. His mother threw him with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Toots his sheep with wolves. You're the first, honestly, the first time they had power over anyone. Yeah.

Like any power over anyone in years. So they're getting it out. Even when they like see the kids they haven't seen for a while, they have no power. They have to go hat in hand. Absolutely. Because what was nice is, and what was comedic about it, I'm glad it do is that those guys, when they're flexing, Oh,

They're so funny. Yeah, absolutely. And the way we see them and hang with them in life, if you're like doing something nice and you're like giving something, you're seeing them at their most humble. Yeah. You're like, I know, but let it rip, my man. Come on, dude. Let's go. There was a day before all this happened. Yep, yep. You were a guy.

You were a guy. And you had a clear POV, and part of that POV got you in trouble. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a lot of you're right about everything. Yeah. And there was part of it that's right, a lot that got bad. Yeah, yeah. You made some big bets, and it's clear you lost them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had a life going. Sure. But you didn't think the life was treating you right. Right, right, right. Whatever that POV is, I'm your audience for it. Yeah, let's go. I find that shit pretty good. That is fascinating. We got to get some...

the houseless podcast Eldest we need to figure that out I would love to get some he's like for the 11 an hour yeah you talk for an hour I produce I'll bump you up to 11.50 Eldest don't worry buddy don't say I didn't do nothing for you and I'm out slap a little bit if this was a debate show it's like chess we need a ding you know you should be like chess

If you got two guys who talk to him. Okay, so then let me tell you an Eddie story. Go. We do need the David's dick bell. Elvis, get on it. Come on. But this is utterly fascinating. Oh, I love orgasm. Yeah, we got to check out more of orgasm. I want to hear more about this junction. Well, and also, you were like searching for like a father figure. Yeah. Because your dad split.

My dad, well, my dad was gone when I was two, came, he got sober when I was 18. Oh, wow. So it was, and raised by my mom. 18's a nut. That's. It's the dog shit. I was the youngest too. Yeah. Oh,

Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, I love the guy. He and I, before he passed, we became very close. It's funny to be like, youngest one I'm not legally obligated for, and I'm back. Well, the thing about him and what I realized was- You know how they had the Olsen twin countdown for when they turned 18? Yeah. He had that one for you. It's like, all right, a couple more shots. You know, the cocaine was on top of me. I couldn't help it, but you could help it.

My brother and I have a mean thing about addiction where you're like, it's for my dad. He was always like, you know, it's a terrible disease. I just wish, you know, I didn't have it. We'd be like, cancer is a terrible disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I agree. This is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, if you go to like a kid in a cancer ward. Totally. You're like, that's so sad. And then my dad with like three hookers and poking his nose, you're like, yours is less sad. It's fun.

Norm has that bit too, actually. Where he's like, really? It's a terrible disease I spent all night gambling and drinking, having a great time, and I woke up in bed with a strange woman. So my dad, when he would talk to us, when he was in the homeless guy vibe, and my grandfather wasn't that, but the hat in hand. Sure. His was like, it got on top of me. It was really sad. But then he and I became legit friends.

Right, right, right. And when we became legit friends, he would be doing like the, I don't know. And then I'd go. So you were going to a lot of those Bulls games. And he's like, I had a fucking car dealership. I knew Horace Grant. I knew Scotty Pippen. He's like, Jake, I was at fucking games every week. Then I'd go to Gibson's. I'm eating the steak. I'm drinking the vodka. He's like, there was a row of working girls. He goes, I could go like this. And I'd be like, sounds like a terrible disease. Yeah, yeah.

I'd be like, you're forgetting. You're so excited. Of course, of course. They're like, would you say this in front of our sister? Right. And then he'd be like, she walks back in the room and he'd be like, so I go like this and it hurt me. Yeah. Because the cocaine had ravaged my body. She leaves and he goes, but then I got strong again. Because you take a Viagra and you fuck my ass. But then you got nothing because you got no love. And I'd be like, I'm here for both, Dad. I'm here for both. Come on, man. We're past it. You can just fucking tell me. Just lean in. Oh.

Oh, lean in. I'd love that. I would love, I'm trying to, I mean, my dad never, you know, he didn't have as good a time and we're trying to get it. I just wish, it's like, if you were just, if you just fucked a couple of things up, we're past it. Tell me. Oh, so your dad still, what was yours? He was just like, I think my dad just struggled with, you know, he didn't have the life he thought he was going to have. He moved to America, didn't really think he was going to do that.

I don't know if he was a super ambitious guy. I don't know what he thought it would be. I don't know that he had a plan. He just came. It was just like, yeah, he met my mom and everything until then was like, oh. And then they wanted to have kids. Here. Here. Okay. But the thing is, it took them forever to have kids. So I was one of the first in vitro kids. And that process took them 10 years. So they wanted to have kids in fucking... I was born in 89. They wanted to have kids in like...

You know what I mean? Interesting. And so I think my dad, by the time his whole life had been like him, you know, he met my mom when they were relatively young. Yeah. They get married relatively young. One quick thing, sorry. There's all this stuff with In Vitro that we're creating like the perfect babies. Dude, believe me, I haven't been about it. We're also afraid of AI in the future. You're great proof that we're

fine as a human. Let's just say they were beta testing with me. Or, you know, we're scared at the end of the day. Human's gonna human. We're gonna be us. This is how you'd sneak it in, though. This is how you'd sneak in perfect. What if under me there was a beautiful exoskeleton that would pop out of my fat ass? It's like a 411 super killer. That's the best comedy action sci-fi movie. Write that down.

Let's get this going. We can make this work, dude. We're not going to get a huge budget, but between us, we can make it for $1.1 million. We can get under $5 million. We can sell that Netflix movie, I mean, the Hulu movie for some money. We're okay. We've got to live under $10 million. This is a funny idea, legitimately. That's how they were hiding it. But keep going. I actually met somebody later who she was...

She was an in vitro kid, but her parents were lesbians. And there's a big problem with in vitro of like almost like selecting out. Like it's gotten kind of racist and like ableist over time. Like how they pick and who they pick. It's like two lesbians. They're not into dudes, but they're like, all right, give us the fucking Harvard educated 6'5 Swedish blonde guy with blue eyes. And it's like that's just going to happen over and over again. So a lot of in vitro kids like against their will are just like,

I mean, I guess no kid gets to pick his parents really, but it's like she was studied. And that's a very fascinating thing. We don't even need science for that. That's human beings just being like, they're not picking me. You know what I mean? If I'm in a sperm bank, they're not like, oh. But isn't that also a version of natural selection? Yeah, but it's like on steroids. It's on steroids. It's sped up. You take out everything but that. You take out charm. You take out alcohol. I got a fighting chance in the real world. My nuts got a chance in the real world. It does not.

In a fucking spreadsheet. You know what they might start doing? In a catalog? In a catalog? My jizz? No. But you know what might start happening is you press a button and the character in the little like jizz catalog talks and you're like, you're like, press this for bits and you're like, I do want funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want charming because you might have a guy who's like six foot four, doctor. Oh yeah, total drip. But honestly, that personality matters. Yeah. And it does get passed down. I see with my kids. That does get passed down, yeah. I'm like, you know, when I have two daughters. Your kids are already on cocaine. They're already brain hookers. They're my dad.

But they're girls. Yeah, seven-year-old girls buying pussy outside of preschool. By cock. I'm sorry, I didn't know. But the reality of it is, is you go like, you go like, as little girls, you expect... Sorry, man. I wasn't accusing your children of being gay. I'm sorry. That's the first time Jake's gotten offended. He's like, hey, oh, oh, oh. Hey, man.

If someone's going to suck my dick with a beard, I'm saying pass. Unless I'm on that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am that guy. I'm going like this. Unless you have a fucking orgasm. I'm not into it. Ooh.

Yo, dude. It wouldn't even have taken me the three minutes. Are you kidding me? I couldn't get hard on TV. There's not a chance it got greater. That's a good point. I don't care how much Viagra I'm taking. I am too aware of it being in front of an audience. Well, you say that, but as a man who has really taken plenty of dick pills, I'll tell you, sometimes it stops being a penis and it's more of just like a mallet that you filled with blood through medical means. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a real game changer. There was one time I was going to fuck this insanely hot girl and I like overdid it. And I was like, let me just make sure my dick. And I just, it was like a Faustian bargain of like, well, I have a hard dick, but it might as well be Eldis' dick. Like, I didn't feel, it was like a such a, it was like an overinflated balloon and I couldn't bust. It was just like. Weird. But she did think I was weirdly good at fucking. But what does that matter? You know, I'll never see her again. Okay.

And you'll never be that good again. Yeah, yeah. What's the point of having good cock if you can't let some nuts off? That's a shirt. Yeah.

For this guy. So anyway, my point is I think you could get hard, but yeah, at what cost? Yeah. In front of live, you know. But that's interesting about your parents. So they started like, so your dad moved here. They both moved here. They met there. They met. So my mom's parents moved to America. My grandfather got a job there.

This shows you how much they cared about family input at the time. It's the 70s in Greece. Some guy just offers him a job and he comes back and he's like, hey, got a job. It's in America. I'll go for a year and send you back money and then you'll come. There was no, what do you think about this? There was no nothing. This is happening. This is like, hey, by the way, this is happening. I'm leaving in like a day or whatever.

Shocking. So then they move the family. And my mom's like, by the time she moves to America, she's like 18, the worst age to completely move. At least her younger sister was like, you know, she got to go to school. She gets a shot. Totally. And she was more American. She had more of like the culture she understood a little more. You know, my mom...

is fluent, but she went back, she basically went back as soon as she could. Your mom did. My mom went back to Greece and her best friend was friends with my dad, like, it was like they met through friends early. Yeah.

Got married. We were in Greece for a while. And we're just kind of, I think they were just kind of a nameless young couple. Like it is the, that's the period I'm most interested in is like, what did my parents, cause I just thought parents got married and they had me, but dude, they didn't have me until they were 34. I don't remember if they either had me at 34 or 36. Yeah.

Or maybe they had me at 34, my brothers at 36, either way. But yeah, you don't think about that. But now being the age they were when they had me, I'm like, whoa, that was my life. Like I had a whole, I had a, I know what that, that period feels like. That was a life. Those 15 years are like,

The biggest... Yeah, for sure. The thing you think about the most, your 20s to 35, that's one of the most... And so anyway, I don't know what the fuck they were up to in Greece. Eventually, they come to America. And just because my... They move in with my mom's parents. They live in the apartment. Is this in Baltimore? A townhouse. Yeah. The house I grew up in. They converted the top floor to an apartment. And...

And yeah, they were just... They stayed there to make money in America. And then because they had problems having kids, they stayed for in vitro, which was happening here and not in Greece at the time. And I think my dad just woke up. And he's old. It was fucking 1996. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His kids are...

He thought he'd have five-year-old... No, we were like, I'm born in 89, so he has little kids, but it's the 90s. He thought he would have little kids in the 80s. The decade he thought he was... My cousins are all... My cousin's eight years older than me. He thought he was going to be in that zone. So I think he just woke up...

His life wasn't what he wanted, but he also just didn't have any ambition. So he was just kind of a dickhead a little bit. Like he was around, but just unhappy, you know? And then a little cheating here. And then he got, I talk about it on my special, but he had a heart attack and lost weight. Right.

And that was the moment he was like, I should get pussy. He wasn't like, well, a new lease on life. Let me connect with my family. But you know what might have happened? Yeah. I heard somebody say about cheating that it's options. Rather than it starting internally in his head, he literally might have been in a restaurant. And all of a sudden, a young waitress is flirting with him. I don't know about young. A waitress. He goes like this.

Why are you talking to me like this? Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I not invisible? What do you mean, have a good day to me? You're right, you're right. You're absolutely right. And then all of a sudden, he goes home and he's like, man, people are seeing me differently. You're absolutely right. And I'm not dead yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. That's a wild turn. But anyway, my whole point in all that was just be like, I would love to have my, whatever my dad's version of

I'm getting pussy and doing coke and going to the fucking and watching, you know, the last dance live. Like I love to just, just tell me, dude, I'm a grown man. Stop lying to me. So that's the thing about whenever I talk about my dad, I'm 45 years old, but I don't have any of the sadness.

So some of the stories we would be like, you know, even having to say like, he left when I was two. He was back when I was 18. It's because we had so many years as straight up friends. Yeah. Four presidential terms your dad took off. But in my phone, like when he died, I was talking to my brother. I'm like, I literally lost a top five friend.

Yeah, wow. You know, you've got like a few friends you text with that you're like, I really like these three to five. Totally, totally, totally. He was a diehard... I hire all of them. I make some of them podcast producers. So that way it's like, let's really, let's test the limits of this. But we have to be in touch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's only because I really like you. Of course. But you're like... No, honestly, if...

if I had hired anyone but Eldish, I would, like, that guy would have killed me by now. Eldish is with me so long. And Eldish has thought about it a couple times. I've woken up, I've woken up and I've just seen him over my bed. Fuck this guy.

What the fuck is this guy doing? So when he died, he was like... But by the end, I had heard so many... We used to do a thing where when we would hang out, I'd go back to Chicago to shoot something because Swanberg's out there, but a partner I've worked with a lot. So I'm there, my brother's there with his kids, my mom's there. So I try to get back a lot. And I would always have... By the last eight years, he wasn't leaving his house very much. Gotcha. So fun.

He had a big ass TV. There was always Chicago sports. We'd sit next to each other. Is he a fat Chicago guy? He was. Big fat guy with a mustache. Love it. And then it slowly started to go. And then as you die, every like 10 years, you start John Goodman. Yeah. It's the natural Ozempic. That's God's Ozempic. Yeah.

But, you know, it just kept getting smaller. But we could sit there and we'd go, he'd go like, you know, I don't like the beers. And here's why. And once we get all that out, we'd be sitting there and then I'd be like, he's not going to ask questions. Right. We're not, he's not interested. You know that's not who he is. That's not that generation. And so then you get to go, I'd be like, like it was an interview. Right. I'd go like,

So you started selling cars, but you didn't know cars, Hugo. I didn't care about cars. And I would pretend this is fucking Charlie Rose. Right, right, right, right, right. And then those old guys, once they get going, they just let it rip. Yeah. And you're like, oh, I got to know your personality. Right, right, right. And I like you. Yeah, yeah. Terrible dad to young kids. That's what I think about all the time. But great guys.

I think I would be friends with my dad. Yeah. Because he does... I got this from somewhere. Right. You know what I mean? That's it. And he has a little bit... He was a funny... I mean, he's not... Yes, I know what you're saying. He's a funny guy, but it's like... I think... Now, I don't know that he'd be a top friend, but I think this is like... And I don't want to get into it. I don't want to get too into it. I've assassinated this man's character a lot on...

multiple comedy specials. So I don't want to get too into it, but you know, it's like, we're trying to get better. So I'll keep the details out of it. But you know, I, I've thought about that, but that's interesting that, you know, you guys, you were, you guys were able to just kind of get back in the zone. Well, I took all the, uh, all the personal stuff out of it. All the, like the, but when you literally, he literally never came to a game. He was the guy who would go like, you know, he'd be like, we should, uh, he's like, you don't know how to golf. And

And I'd be like, I'm literally raised by women. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's going to teach me? That's a horrible throw. It's like, why do you think that it is? Like, you see this? I'm learning in the yard how to do this. I'm watching Sean Dunstan, my man. That's hilarious, dude. He was the guy who would say like,

Sunday, 10 a.m., I'm here. And I would tell my mom and I'd be like, so tomorrow I am playing golf with dad and she'd be like, he's not going to come. And I would always do the like, bitch, you're wrong. This is why he's not here that much. I got to say. Because you're a fucking bitch. It's you pushing. Sitting outside, pre-cell phones, 10 turns to noon, turns to two, walking in and going to my mom being like,

I'm choosing to pass on golf today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a lot of shit to catch up on. But as you get older and, you know, I'm sitting next to this guy, you know, and he had cancer, Parkinson's, it was eating him up. When you party that hard, you pay the price. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'd be like, I know it's not forever. And I'm like, and this fucking guy's here right now. And when I leaned into that,

The fucking joy I got from him and then the good dad he became as an adult. Right, right, right. Like in terms of his business, he helped me so much by being a Chicago capitalist rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he would say things, he's like, you know, you always talk everything for you as a team, like you're on a fucking basketball team. This guy and this guy, you can win together. He goes, when are you going to realize you're a boxer?

You win, you get paid. Right. And I'd be like, well, yeah, so I'm on an improv team. And he'd be like, who gives a shit? I saw the show. Some of the guys aren't very good. And I'd be like, I know, but. And he's like, stop it. And then I'd be like, I remember thinking like, you're kind of an asshole, man. Yeah. And then as I moved out to LA and I saw it. Oh, yeah. I'm like.

Yeah. I'm not sharing my bill. Like, no, this is, that's what I'm talking about being a hater. Yeah. About somebody else's stuff. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. What you eat doesn't make me shit. Right. Right. Right. If you're killing it, there's so much stuff now, big people killing it right now. I don't even know. Totally. I'm not watching any of it. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm laying. I'm making mine. I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah. And you need to be a cutthroat scumbag. You need a little bit of that. Yes. And it's like, you know. And then once you are, and it's like you cut the river so that some of the water comes your way. Yeah. Then you can go like, all right, I'm not a dirtbag. I'm done. I don't need all the water. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like-

I gotta divert some my way. To me, it's more like it is good to have that feeling of like everyone's trying to fuck you. That's more what it is. It's like not even cutthroat, but not even scumbag so much as like

like just don't trust anyone understand that all of this is a it's just trying everyone is just trying to get money it's just business so you know what I don't see about Hollywood and I know with everything's happening right now I'm not in the A circle so I don't know what those guys are doing but this whole idea you're not in the fucking Spiderman group chat bro you don't have Tom Holland's number you're trying to get in you're like guys it counts no but I'm leaving voice notes hey guys hey this is Peter B Parker yeah

You hire the animators to just fucking match it up. Sad, sad. But like this whole idea that, you know, this town is so dark and fucking Satan and pedicure. I haven't seen any of that shit. Any of this fucking dark, dark stuff that everyone's like, it's everywhere. I haven't seen it. What I have seen is this is a- Come on, even when you girl was hot? You got a little bit of it, bro. Don't be modest. Yeah.

You got into a couple pedophiles. A couple parties where you're like, I don't want to go into the beach house right now. The pool house right now. You know what's even sadder? Yeah. I wouldn't have hated if my story was like, I was there and I chose the right path. Yeah, yeah, yeah. None! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Damn, just Zoe was getting the fucking invites off. Just parties where you'd be like, yeah, I guess there's a lot of people also on Fox. So Raising Hope? Yeah. Seems like a good show. I haven't seen it. Mindy Kaling's got another one here. Okay. Right, right, right, right. But what I have seen is a lot of intense capitalism and that kumbaya shit is not it. No.

There's a big table. There's a lot of seats. If you have a seat there, there's a lot of people trying to take your seat. 100%. Anyone who pretends like, I got your seat saved. It's like mean junior high stuff and you're the new kid in school. Totally. Nobody's got your back. You got to have your own. I'm like, that's LA. Truly. That's this game. Totally. But once you lean into that, I'm like, fun. Yeah. I'll have my seat as long as I can when it's over. Thanks for the fucking cheese.

It was a lot of fun, man. Totally. And I definitely feel like it's crazy to have any success. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I assume you have the same thing when you're just born into such bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you're with fucking Eddie stripping neon at 12 and your fucking dad is getting his dick sucked. Yeah. And you, like, probably, like, one mile away. Like, geographically, he's so close. It's not far. Yeah.

Well, that was the sad thing about Terrell Owens when he had his freakout. Yeah. Where his whole thing was, you found out his dad was like, I want nothing to do with this kid. Lived like nine houses down. Oh, my God. If you're going to do that as a dad, move far away. You got to go. Three bus transfers. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Got to be across town. It's got to be far enough. You got a couple zip codes. A couple zip codes. That's right. Cannot be the same zip. It would be nice if it was a different city. Dude.

Different city would be nice, but zip code minimum. Zip codes are... Minimum zip codes. Zip codes. Can't be getting your mail mixed up. No. How are we doing time-wise, Eldest, here? We're at, I think, about like 48 right now. All right. Why don't we do some calls? This is hilarious that we're on a time crunch when we have a guest who's actually interesting and telling incredible stories. We're like...

Yeah, sorry, man. We got to get four done today. So everyone's like, wow, this is a good episode. It's like, nah, don't enjoy it too much, folks. At the end of the day, you know, we got to get four done in a day. Podcast day. You got to come back, though. Next time you're in New York, please come to the studio. Let's do. Why don't you boys get those cans on? Oh, there he is.

Yeah, play us some good ones here, Eldest. Anything to plug, by the way, in the midway point? Check out the pod. We're here to help, and that's kind of it. Everything else is coming. I mean, he doesn't want to plug the movie, but I like the movie. Self-reliance on Hulu. Love it. I mean, you know, honestly, everything's kind of out there that's out there. So it's a really fun movie. It's on Hulu. If you got it, it's free. We're here to help whenever you can do it. And then, you know, developing a TV show, I'm really excited about. Oh, hell yeah. I love it. I'll come back and talk about that. Please.

Hi. So I'm hoping you can help me out.

Basically, I've been working doing bookkeeping type stuff, scheduling appointments, yada yada, with a psychic that lives in my town. She's local and very popular. But business lately, I've worked there for a while now, but business lately hasn't been great. And I'm the only employee at this place. Is there a way for us to look at the fucking transcripts? Yes. I had the same thing. I couldn't quite hear what you were saying. With a...

Oh, a psychic. A psychic. She's been doing bookkeeping for a psychic. Okay. And get that fucking bigger for us there, chief. Yeah, thank you. So she's a bookkeeper for a psychic? Yes. And business hasn't been going great. All right. We're caught up. Yeah, they do. Okay. Two fucking Apple Plus, you dumb motherfucker. I'm trying to see bigger fucking letters.

There you go, dummies. You're earning that 11-50. At first I thought Stowie was the bad guy. Now I'm torn. Any ever come into contact with any Albanians that he got them in Chicago? Albanians, sure. I mean, Belushi was an Albanian. Oh, true. Yeah, yeah. That is a big...

That's a big hit for me when it comes to me and Eldis' Albanian. He does get Belushi, which is a tough one. Him, Elijah Dushku, half of Action Bronson. Those are all tough for me. Those are big wins. Those are big wins for Albanians. I'll give him that. He won't claim Dua Lipa because he says she's a Kosovar. She's a Kosovar. Technically not Albanian.

All right, let's go. So this lady's a bookkeeper for a psychic. Gotcha. I've worked there for a while now, but business lately hasn't been great. And I'm the only employee at this place aside from her, you know, the namesake. And she sat me down the other day and basically just gave me the speech about how business isn't going too great.

And she told me that that psychic stuff is really big right now and that she's thinking about expanding the process of bringing in a pet psychic. A pet psychic? Okay, yeah. So people that do reading. That's fucking awesome. Yes, it is. She said yes and offered me the position.

I do not possess any psychic abilities. Pause this. This is fucking awesome. This lady just being like, I mean, look, she's basically telling her employee it is bullshit. And it's like, I love the idea of a pet psychic because it's like, you can't talk to them. You can't prove it. It's like a baby psychic. Yeah.

It's like a human psychic. You're not... We can communicate. Can you communicate, let alone read their minds? A pet psychic is another level of bullshit. That's awesome. That is great. You bring a lizard in. I see your dog is going to eat cat shit in the future.

He's going to fucking die within 10 years. The reality of this call, though, is that it is big business. I believe that. And I believe that pet owners who view those pets as their kids, who have such a bond with them, they feel like any way to fake communicate or feel like they can hear, they will spend real money. True. True. No, you're right. I think the psychic's not a bad business lady. We'll give her that. Let's see what our caller—let's conclude here, Elders.

She did not possess any psychic abilities of any kind and she's well aware of this. She basically told me that she wants me to ride with these people and tell them that I can communicate with their dead animals and I would be getting paid double my current salary. That's fucking awesome. She gave her the Alec Baldwin, Glenn Garrett, Glenn Ross speech for fucking telling people she can talk to a dead hamster. She's ever told me. I don't, I don't know.

She's doubting everything she's ever told. So she said, she said, I feel like she was working. I know, I know, I know. This is fucked up. I thought this woman was a real straight shooter talking to people's dead relatives. But now that she said animals, I got to ask her a couple of questions. Wait a second. Has she been lying the whole time? I mean, very clearly. Yeah. If the woman's asking to double her salary and she's already working for a psychic. Right. Of course she does it. Yeah.

Yeah, right, right. This is not... If she's in a galaxy where she doesn't want to do this shit, she's like, my cousin's a psychic.

I don't know. I feel weird booking appointments because I don't want to be fucking involved in the muck. Right. Now she wants, then you're different. Right. You're in the muck. Yeah. Yeah. You work for the con artist. Yeah. Yeah. You're in the hustle. You're Epstein's limo driver. You're in the hustle. If it's the person doing the fucking cards in Times Square, you're the person going like, Hey, you, Hawaiian shirt, five bucks. And then going, I don't want to be a crook. Right. Right. Right. Your hands are bloody. Yep. Yep. That is true. Um,

so I guess it comes down to, can you pull it off the moral stuff? Cause she's basically, we talked over her a little bit, but she's like, she's, she, she rejected morally. Uh,

Just doubting everything she's told. Doubting everything the psychics told you is so cute that you didn't do that? You thought she was legit? This is what you call in the business a mark. Whoever she is, you go like, I'm going to give you my Venmo because there's some stuff I need to talk to you about. I know. Oh, so I just need to give you $1,000, then you're going to send me $15,000? Right, right, right. The bank?

Right now in Switzerland is holding my money. Please don't respond. Don't click any links you don't recognize in your email. Because she's right there. It's one thing to be like, to believe in being a psychic. She's there every day. But she's been there for a while and she's still like...

Huh? She knows this bitch. What the hell is going on here? So, yeah. I mean, you have to really. Be careful. You have to. I guess my question is, let's take the moral aspect out of it, right? Because it's like, whatever. It's all fucking bullshit. But also, it's too late. It's too late. If you want to be a moral person because everybody makes up their own lines in the sand, too late. Yeah.

You think she's already fucked. You can't. I will say this. What? It's the difference between being a mob associate and a maid guy. Agreed. You know, it's like... But if you're saying to the guy, hop in the Oldsmobile. Right. And then you open the door, then there's three mafia guys and they go, and I say to you, hop in the Oldsmobile, sit in the front seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you go...

Why would I sit in the front seat? I'm new here. I just did that one weird thing with gambling that went sideways. And I go, they want you to have a shotgun. And you get killed? Right. Yeah. Morally, am I... But you're not... You aren't as bad as the guy who killed you. I agree. So that's what I'm saying. It's like, she's not clean, but this isn't... Yes, but she's not the hustler. She's not quite the hustler. This is Donnie Brasco. Exactly. This is you're going in deep. I don't think... And my... More than the morals, right? Because I honestly...

And maybe I'm showing my lack of moral character here. I don't give a fuck about the kind of dumb motherfucker that thinks they can talk to their dead fucking Labrador. Take their money. You need it more than them. Now, look, if they're poor, this honestly comes down to class for me. I promise you they're not going to be rich. Yeah.

Well, they didn't make the money. Somebody's dumb husband or wife or some shit. It might have been money passed down. Yeah. If it's a trophy wife or a nepo baby or any of that shit, feel free. But if it's someone with their last dollar trying to like, I just, you know, their dog just died and they're like, I never got to, I didn't know where they wanted to be buried and I need to fucking do it.

But like, honestly, I think as long as these people got a little expendable income morally, who fucking cares? But-

Can you pull it off? Because you're such a naive soul that you think, you know what I mean? But of course you can. It's probably so much easier than even doing basic bookkeeping. But I think you are actually dead right. So what I think it is, is because all this stuff with this whole world, and I'll go down the road every once in a while, what?

I'll get weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what I love is, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You know, we can all pretend. I'm with you. The older I've gotten, the more, because I used to always, when people would say shit about energy, I'd be like, shut the fuck up. And now I'm like, I do feel energy sometimes. So you want to hear that?

weird story. Fuck yeah. I just told them it's just happened. Please. I don't have a great ending because I don't know. I don't. Yeah. Great. Great. Great. So, you know, I went to therapy years ago when my kids were coming and I was like, I'm like, I'm just getting weird. I need to talk this out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I went to this lady. She said, I'm not going to- You're like, I'm getting an urge to gamble and sell Buicks. Well, when I moved to LA, I worked at the Hollywood Park Casino. So that itch was already gone.

And unfortunately for the Buicks, I'd already been on TV where I'm like, I got to sell 10,000 Buicks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not that good of a salesman. Oh, that's a tough one to fucking go from TV to fucking car selling. Yeah, yeah. Or the best. Yeah, that's true. Oh, that's true. Hey, did you like the show? But your name's got to be on the dealership. Of course. And I'm in every commercial. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it. Actually, that's, yeah. Together. We got a movie and a car dealership coming. Yeah.

I think we're going to make more money with the cars. You and me could sell those units. Without question. You and me as salesmen. I am morphing into the ideal used car salesman. Yes, you are. Without even meaning it. Yes, you are. And then I would be the guy. I mean, look at this. I got a fucking pinky ring and a Greek coffee cup. Are you kidding? This is it, dude. You with a marble of light in your right hand talking to somebody. Come to Dimitri. Come to Dimitri Nissan and Altima. We will get you the number one Altima motor.

Morano, whatever you need. And then at a certain point, I go like this, can I talk to you guys without my brother for just a second? And I go, he's wonderful, but I'm going to tell you this. I'm going to be honest with you. He's pushing something that's not right for you guys.

You guys should not walk out of here with that Ultima. And I'll tell you why. It's too expensive for you. And then the husband goes like, I think we can afford the Ultima. I'm going to put you guys in a used car that's more you guys. I can see the way you dress your wife. You guys aren't made of money. I'm so sorry. My brother, he's interrupting. Guys, come over here. You know what? If the price is an issue, I'll knock $1,000. We just have the whole thing. My brother's interrupting. Okay.

If a thousand's an issue, here's what we can do. Why don't we do this? I'm going to knock 2,000 off, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to charge you for a little thing. I got to put a wax on your tires. I can't have you drive out of here with a car that gets dense on it. My fucking brother would. I love him, but he wouldn't. All right, so what's your weird story? So I went to a therapist. We did hypnotherapy. We were kind of talking. She said she was getting into the energy stuff. She goes, I know you're not a big believer in this, blah, blah, blah. For a couple of years, I said, I'm not interested. And finally, she said, would you ever try Reiki?

And I don't know what Reiki is, but sure. So she found some energy move. Honestly, for my two cents, the reason I did it, if you ever smoke too much pot or you eat mushrooms and all of a sudden you're like, the tree.

are alive. Dude, I'm telling you, mushrooms is where it all started for me. Same. Where everyone's talking about it. I'm like, shut the fuck up. I just want to see colors and have a good time. And literally, a fucking, I'm not kidding when I've said this before, a tree in Seattle convinced me to date my last serious girlfriend. I am losing my fucking mind at a park. By the way, I thought it was a huge park. I went back like a year later. One tree. It was like two blocks by two blocks. It was nothing. It was called, fuck, I keep forgetting.

I'll remember later, whatever. But it's such a... It was such a small park, like in the university district. And truly, I was like... And then I had another time after the pandemic where... In the middle of the pandemic where I was just like so... You know, everyone's so lonely and I just fucking just took mushrooms for no reason. Yeah. Went outside. Hadn't been outside in a while. Walk all across Queens and shit. I'm sitting in my Costco. Right.

There's a Costco with a nice view of Roosevelt Island. You got the mask on too? I ditched the mask. I'm outside. It was at that point where we're not afraid to be outside. Stepping out of it. Yeah, yeah. And I'm literally just crying at the Costco looking at fucking Roosevelt Island and thinking about every woman I've ever loved, which includes my mother, not just women I've dated, but it was just like- Women. Women. You love women. And I'm just crying about how the ones I've let down.

and the ones who have always been there for me. And I'm just on mushrooms alone, fresh out of the pandemic. I'm growing out my hair. It's in this weird fucked up spot. And I'm just crying. And there's like a big-titted German lady like talking next to me. It was one of the weirdest moments. But all that, those mushrooms were the start of me being like, ooh, something's up here. Anyway, go ahead. So you're getting Reiki? Yeah. So I did my mushrooms in high school.

Nice. So the reason I don't do it now is I'm like, I don't know if I'm ever going to get back on a set again. And that's where I do it. I was like, once you go too far with one of these, there's no coming back. Sure. So I go to this lady out in Laverne. My therapist didn't know her. Oh, wow. It was like, this comes recommended. She's just a Reiki fan in general. She just said, honestly, her thought was like, it might work for you, but I'm also not pushing it. Yeah. Yeah. And I just had a thing where I was like, honestly, come on.

I kind of found it sounds like an interesting Tuesday. Sure. I'm not smoking weed these days. I'm not eating mushrooms. I'm barely drinking. Right, right, right. I could use a little something to spice it up. Something to mix it up. Yeah, yeah.

throw some spices in between these years. I'm getting a little bored mentally, you know, like working on a project, talking about the project, pitching the project, developing. I'm like, I'm just getting a little bored. Yeah. So that was my energy and be like, let's see what happens. I walk in there. The lady goes, this is weird little shop. She walks in and she goes, why are you here? And I go, I believe I'm here for Reiki.

And she goes, why are you here? And I go, aggressive, by the way. Rough course. Yeah, I believe that. And I go, I'm here for a ride. She's got a gift. She can't be wasting her time. Yeah, and people will do that every once in a while with me where I'm like, why are you getting hard on me? Yeah. I was coming in soft. Totally, totally. I'm coming in hand in hand.

Totally, totally, totally. You're getting a tacky? Like, I'll be an asshole too, but I thought we were going to be really nice. Totally. I thought you were going to light incense, do candles. I was going to cry. Massage vibes. Massage vibes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And hers was like, no, you're not being honest with me. And I'm like, I mean, I am a liar, but I'm. Yeah.

I'm being honest with you. We don't have any trust to betray yet. I don't know you. I haven't let you down. Yeah. And then she goes, you have a dark energy that surrounds you. Whoa. That is outside of you. And I will say part of me, and I was talking to my wife about this. The thing that really got triggered is the kid version of me. And that is now I'm going to fuck with you. It took everything in me not to go.

you think I will. But in like a, because she was believing that there was a real darkness around that was scaring her. And I was like, all I need to do is literally go like, what do you mean? I don't think I do. And then go like this. You think I do? Yeah.

You fucking idiot. You fucking. I'm like, we're in a little room in Laverne. We could turn this into the wildest hour. Yeah. But I'm like, you're 45. You're not. That's a bit you would have done at 12. Yeah. Don't do it. Yeah. Don't do it. We're sitting on the table. She starts doing. You try to do that. Then she just goes like this and just like actually puts it on you. And then you're actually talking like that. You're like. And then I'm in the car. Then I'm in jail. I'm in jail an hour later. But it.

But it ends up turning into like a weird seance. Whoa. And crystals all over my body. She's got some gong right in my ear. She's talking half Spanish, half English. So much incense in the air that I'm like choking a little bit. Oh, my God. And in my head, there's the me voice being like, this is getting wild. Yeah.

Absolutely. This is getting a little bit out of my control. Sure. But if it was a six foot six guy, I would have left. Yeah. But I'm like, worst case scenario, I can get out of here. I punch her in the fucking head. I can just get out. I can just stand up and go, I appreciate it. I'm going to go. Right. Right. So I was in that mode, but then I was like, just lean in. Yep. And so she's like, hold on.

And it's going. And I did feel some version of a release. So going back to this, was that release real? I don't know. Wow. But if you tell somebody about their dog and you go, there's an old dog and they go like, my dog, Tiger has died. He's 14. He's been my best friend. He was there with my Bob died of cancer. And then you go like, and you feel like Tiger wants you to know that you are okay. Yeah. And that you'll be okay. Tiger loves you. And she goes like, ah,

Maybe it's nice. Yeah, totally. Maybe it's all bullshit. Totally. Maybe it is all bullshit. But like, who knows? Yeah. Step into it. Yeah. So I would say a hundred percent lean in, be a pet psychic, get on commercials, do infomercials. Double your pay sounds nice. I just, and you could do something for them, but you have to have the conviction. You have to start lying to yourself now if you're going to do this. You have to start believing that you can do it. You also have to change your look.

Absolutely. Because if you're going to be a pet psychic, you can't look like a receptionist. Loose-fitting, loose-fitting, um...

of semi-see-through on their own stuff, but kind of layered over top of it. Burn sage around you so you've got an array. You've got to smell like you were at a Phish concert. Yeah. And you've got to look. You need essential oils. You need essential. No shoes. No shoes. If you don't wash your hair for a couple days so that it's got a different. You need it oily. You need it crunchy. Yes. Put it in some weird version of a braid. A lot of necklaces. A lot of jewelry so when your hands move,

You hear sounds. You need jewelry. You need crystals in your shit. And you need to ask them to bring their favorite thing so you can feel it energetically. Because you need to figure out a way to lie about it and be like, I can contact them through energy or something like that. And every once in a while, you're going to have to pick one person to pretend that their dog hates them.

Yes, exactly. Because you need one bad review. You need mostly five stars, then you need one review where it becomes clear where the person's just mad you said like... And then comment back on the album and be like, I'm really sorry the reading was negative. Yes, exactly. That's the last thing I wanted too. I am merely a vessel. Yeah, but...

Your dog had issues with your behavior. I am sorry. He hated the electric shock collar. You knew it. You knew what you did. You bought a fucking shepherd dog and you kept it indoors. And you did it to be mean. And you thought he'd like it. And you did it to be mean. Yeah. And he knows it.

But throw one of those in the mix every like 15 times. Also for the room, real true maniacs like this have like a weird thing like tangerines where there's like an orange theme. There's a thing they're eating when you come in. So everything you go like-

I don't feel comfortable that this woman's eating a fucking tangerine. Yeah. Smells like a joint. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's like weird sounds. Absolutely. There's a wrapper of a tangerine. Like, you got the peel of it. You look in the garbage. I think even more, I say essence of it. Make it clear tangerines were there. Never let them see a tangerine.

So all they smell is tangerine. I got to tell you, it smelled like I was inside of a tangerine. That's interesting. But they never see it and you never mention it. If they bring it up, you go like this. Maybe you come out of a room, you're clearly chewing, you're finishing a tangerine, but they never see the fuck, any evidence. And also I would lean into, I would study mentalism. Yeah.

Mentalism is a lot of fun, especially if you can plant words early on so that like if all of a sudden, for one, if it's tangerine, everything's tangerine. And then at one point you go like, I'm having a really crazy thing. They're trying to relay something to you. It is a fruit.

And she goes, and you write down tangerine. Oh, that's good. And then you go like, they're trying to tell you something right now. It's a fruit. It's like, it's something that they, they, they, they like it's, it's little. And then it's, what is it? What is it? And then you don't even say for you go like, it's little, it's like a ball, but it's not a ball you play with. It's like, and she goes tangerine. And you go like,

Tangerine? If you pull it off... Yeah, true. Now you got business. And listen, if they don't say it, never pull it out. Never pull it out. Then you just have to have like a weird piece of paper in your ear. Just move on. Be like, I don't know. Also, go through their Facebook. You know what I mean? These are old... I agree. These are people that like... Find as much as you can about them and just...

any random thing about their dog, you just throw it out. So yeah, we got a good way to get you to be a fucking fake. I got one more on it. Please. In terms of mushrooms and weed, smoke a huge joint before everybody comes in so it's right on top of you so you believe your own bullshit. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that. Because if it's all happening at once- You have to start lying to yourself. You have to start lying to yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would say, I don't know if I could do huge joint. For me, the vibe would be, the right vibe would be like a five milligram edible.

Yes. I think that's exactly right. Just a little something where you're at. Feel good. Feel loose. Have the right music. When they come in and they walk in, if you're sitting on the couch and your eyes are closed, don't open them right away. Yeah. Yeah.

Address them with eyes closed. Yeah, and then they go like, hi, are you Carol? And you go like, give me a second here. And she goes, everything okay? And you go, just communicating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One moment. Give me a moment. And you remember their name and be like, Rebecca? Yes. And then don't be afraid to hug and don't be afraid to hold the hug. I love that. That weird touch where you're like, whoa. This is all great. I mean, we honestly have set this girl up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For our business. Yeah.

Netbo babies, we will talk to your animals. We'll have a fucking little side room at the dealership. What else we got, Big Eld? Hey, Stubby. Hey, Elvis. Love you guys. I'm just calling about a problem that I've got coming up later in the year. I'm living in Amsterdam, and I'm meant to be going to a music festival with one of my best friends who's living in London.

And we had everything planned and everything like that. He's going to stay with me when he comes to Amsterdam. I got the tickets booked and everything. But now he tells me his girlfriend is coming with him for this trip. And I don't really want her staying with me. I really don't want to go to the festival with her. She's really...

kind of a difficult person. Oh, no. She's going to, like, kind of be on his case the entire time and on my case the entire time. And, yeah, just not really looking forward to it. But this guy, he didn't have, like, this is, like, his first girlfriend that wasn't really successful with dating before he started seeing her. Ooh.

But yeah, basically she's just a little bit annoying. She's really sweet, but I don't know if I really want to go to this festival with her and I don't know if I should just suck it up or find a way to warm up this arrangement. Yeah. Please let me know. Thank you. Love you guys. Bye.

The guy who got no play and has his first little piece of pussy pie. Brutal. That's a tough guy to get. He's honestly probably lost forever. He's lost until she's done with him. Right, right. Lost for this festival for sure. Oh, this festival's done. It's up to, this is really what you, are you a man enough to admit you don't want to do this?

I guess the math you have to do is what is more important to you, the festival or your relationship to your friends? I think there's another way. Okay. Lie. Lie. About what? You can't make it. The guy's flying in to visit him.

Okay, right. Okay, so the guy's coming. So this is a huge faux pas, by the way. Agreed. The friend pulled a fucking shit move. That's fucking wild. But even if it's not just the girlfriend, I'll tell you another thing I hate. Let's say you go, let's get lunch. And I go, yeah, sure. I guess Wednesday's time we're getting lunch. And we get there and you go, this is my stand-up buddy. That's fucked up. I go, I wasn't looking for a third. That's fucked up. I'm down for...

I've agreed to this. I don't like the add-on friend. 100%. And listen, if it's a thing like, hey, I was with this guy. You're going to love him. Is it cool? But that has to be before. It has to be before. I need to be okay to go. And I don't want to say like, no, I'm a 45-year-old prick. I don't want to be the new friend. Totally, totally. But what I can say is, all good, brother. Hey, something came up. Can't make it. Yeah. And you can't push. Cannot push. Because if you push, then I got to go.

doing man can't push I don't know your fucking cousin totally totally totally pass yeah be like I do and listen I've fucking done that before right like where I just like dude I can't make it I can't do that yeah and I would say you have every right you plan to trip you do he's coming here he's staying with you you're going to a festival you were excited three days with just another guy for this that's a big commitment

Also, you're absolutely right. The mature thing to do is to just be like, hey, man, I thought it was going to be a bros hang. But you're entering a conversation you don't want to be in. But it's your guy. I know, but here's what I don't want to have happen.

Yeah, man, I agree, but I love her. And you go like, I agree, man, but I don't want to do this now. But it's not on you. That's the thing. That's him fucking it up. That is the mature, the truly mature thing to do here is be like, look, I like that you're dating a girl, whatever. Because he even says she's sweet, but kind of annoying. He's not even saying he fucking hates this girl. He just doesn't want to be with her. He just doesn't want, his bro's day was ripped from his hands. And that, even like somebody like, I love Eldis' wife. She's great. Yeah.

If we had a fucking... Please go take a turn here that makes all of us feel uncomfortable. But if they... Yeah, but I'm trying to get him to get an annulment. It hasn't been that long. No, but like, she's great and we will hang. Like, we've gone on vacation together, whatever. It's fine. But if we had had a thing planned with just the boys... It's different. And Eldis says...

I'm, you know, and it's like somebody who I actually like, I'm still like, are you out of your fucking mind? Let alone if it's someone who's annoying. I will say for me, it's even less about her. Cause I don't even see it as like the, a boy's day versus she comes. If you guys were hanging out and you brought me. Right, right, right, right, right, right. He's got the right to go. I don't want to hear his stories. Yeah.

Wait, it's you and me. We talk 50% of the time. Fucking nose won't shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think you need to have that thing. I would say if I was him, straight up, hey, man, all good without going into the big depths of the lies. I don't think you can, dude. I'm a no-go on this festival. I don't think he can go that extreme. I think that's a little tough. You think you suck it up and you do the trick? No, no, no. I think you have to give him the pot. You have to give him the answer. The benefit of the doubt that he'll do the right thing. But what is he going to say to his girlfriend?

Now, let's say he marries her. She always hates you. Well, but what you can say is, and this goes to do you trust your friend enough, right? How are you going to sell it to her? Because that becomes a sell it to her. It becomes like- Interesting. Because that, I think- Interesting. Do you trust your friend to be like, hey, man, no disrespect. I thought it was just going to be us. This is what I've been planning. I really miss you. I want to hang with you. We never get a chance to.

is it, you know, does this really have to be her? And maybe there's some compromise. Maybe it's you come, maybe she comes in for the last day and you can suck it up for that, right? Or maybe it's like, and then if he's like, hey, she wants to come, she's really jazzed, you just be like, all right, well, I'm going to say,

something came up for work or something. That's when you decide to sell it. Oh, I hear what you're saying. You know what I mean? That's when you're like, all right, dude, I get it. But don't tell her this. I get it. If you want to go with your girl, that's fine. Let's get a bros thing, just us, because I do want to do it. I don't want her to hate me, but I just, I'm not into this. I think this is a friendship ender.

I'll tell you why. If he, if he chooses to, uh, I thought you were giving me the hard out. I was like, sorry, just jiggling some rubber bands. I was like, friendship enders me. Don't go in this zone. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Savio really weird friendship enders me. But I think if you say to somebody, Hey, uh,

Can we do this? And you have that open talk with him. And he won. Let's say he chooses her and says, I'm coming. And then you bail out. Now it's weird. Let's say he tells her. Let's say they then get married and have kids. You're right. You're like, what are you going to do later? Go like, well, I was a little bit of a baby because I didn't want to hang out with you. Because from her and him, they're like, who cares? And for his point of view, he's like, what do we have to like lay on the bed and stare at each other the whole time? We're just hanging out drinking beers. Totally. Totally. I love her.

I like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. You're right. So the other move could be a very- But see, but that's the thing. He's, that would be, that would drive me up a fucking wall if my friend didn't understand that. If he was like, because like, it's not about, obviously you love your fucking wife more than your friend, right? But we planned this. But we planned this and it's just a rude thing to do. I agree with that. So if, so that's why going right back to the beginning, I decide, what I'm saying is,

does the festival or your friendship matter more? Because this might be his fucking favorite fucking festival, right? Right. And he can just be like, look, you kind of fucked me. I love these bands or whatever, whoever's playing, right?

You guys have fun. Get an Airbnb. I don't want to host two fucking people. But I'll party with you guys. But I'll party with you guys. I'll see you at the festival. Maybe it's something like that. I think that could work. And then if it's going well, you could say, hey, tomorrow let's all get breakfast and go on. This is a different thing. I don't want this in my house. I don't want a third wheel this weekend. I'm not interested. Now, if you think you still love your buddy, but you know because he's pussy-matized that

then he won't go for it, right? Then I would hold it in your back pocket to lie to him. Yeah. If you think he can't handle any truth and he matters to you enough, right? Yes, I get that. Because that's when it starts being like, ah, this is fucked up, but I can't make it. That's when you're in the lie zone. But I would prefer, because you want to save him from himself. Right. He's going to tell her. He's going to fuck up the friendship or tell her or do something he's going to regret in whatever years. He's already shown his character.

Yeah, he really has. He has. By being like, she's coming. He's already shown the character. Dude, by the way my girlfriend's coming, like, by the way, I need to fucking, like, store an extra bag in your garage while I'm there. Like, it's that level of inconvenience. It's fucking insane. I got a pitch on it. Yeah. Another thing you could do is he brought one, you bring one. So now you bring a buddy who's a party guy. Love.

Who's not... You now bring... So that you... So you and this guy... That's the symbolic to raise the stakes. You're having fun at the festival. Yeah. So most likely, this guy is now looking for a very different thing. He says right there, she's sweet, which means...

She's a nice human being. But it's not the vibe I'm going for. She doesn't want to be with these fucking animals at a festival. She doesn't think this shit's funny. She wants to be with her boyfriend, who she knows is sweet. Ooh, you know, that's good. Because what you can then do is like, hey, man...

I thought my buddy, this guy was going to crash. I was going to bring the third wheel to crash in my place. I already have. But we don't have enough space now. He'll just crash here. You guys get an Airbnb. And so he's got to go like, what'd you guys do last night? We did what we expected after a festival. Right. We fucking parted our ass. How about you guys? We went back out of the lights a little by team, played Jenga and went to bed. Yeah.

But I didn't want that in my house. Yeah. So that is upping the stakes a little bit because that's harder to pull off. Yeah, but then he's getting the festival he wants. And guess what? I agree. She might prove to be. Be cool. And all of a sudden if they go. Fuck it. Come on. Come over. You're right. And then go. Then you never have to say, sorry, I was a little bit of a bitch about it. That's a great point. You then go like, fucking Sarah's legit a cool hang. He's made it a group hang. You turn it into a group hang. Now you.

make okay yeah he set the fucking precedent oh no great I'm gonna make it a group I want to be a part exactly right but I wouldn't have done that to you good point but now you're going to go with this other friend that is now there's a couple other ones too yeah so we've given this guy actually a nice he's got a few options here yeah and I really like that if it does take the right friend and

and it does take a little finessing but all of these are like so you have lie you have lie to him because he's a fucking pussy that you know is gonna fucking betray you you have give him the opportunity to do the right thing which it does none of us feel like he's gonna do I also don't think the lie's gonna work

I think you're right. I think the top two are going to be trouble. The lie is going to be harder to pull off than what you're saying. And then there's the group hang, which I really do like. And then there's also like some compromise of like,

We'll hang, but don't stay here or something like that. So I like the group. The group is nice. Let him choose to say we're going to get an Airbnb. Yeah. And so, you know, by the time this airs, definitely this has already happened. But if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, hopefully this advice will be good for you. We got anything nice, Eldest? What else we got, brother? If not, just play that clip of that guy sucking his dick. I looked for it on YouTube. I couldn't find it.

Eldish, you want to get some bagels, bro? Yes. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Shout out to this place. You want a bagel on the way out, bro? You can go. All right. This is the kind of fucking show we're doing here. Ready? Yeah, go ahead and respond to Mr. Cheeks' email. You got it. And I'm going to get the fucking Nova Locks, the classic. Okay. Okay.

Here we go. Welcome to Stobby's World, folks. You know, we're on a, like we said, we have a great guest and we're rushing it and we're ordering lunch in the middle of it. And we've gotten the two calls, but we've done them thoroughly. And it's important that we have bagels.

What's most important is that we have a good time. You all have an okay time. That's kind of the motto here. Play the call before you decide on your bagel sandwich. I'll see you locking in on the menu over there. It's your boy Atlas. Hello, Atlas. Appreciate you, beautiful Balkan boys. Got a question for you coming from San Diego about...

fucked up family dynamic father-son relationship and letting sleeping dogs lie. Oh, perfect. So my parents lived when I was a teenager and I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad.

During, you know, growing up and then after the divorce, it was really radio silence. But seven, eight years later. I wish it was seven, eight years later. Get taco lunch, you know, maybe every two, three, four, five months, see him a few times a year.

update each other about some things we've done. It's pretty much just as intimate as like seeing an old friend from work or school. Like that's the most I'm going to get out of my relationship with my dad and I'm cool with it. But, um, I always wondered why he kind of was the way he was. And my mom told me some shit and I'm not sure if I should believe it or just trust it and let sleeping dogs lie. But she said he's kind of standoffish and unavailable because, uh,

He was adopted back in the day and kind of went through some Epstein shit as a kid. Holy shit. As a rich kid in L.A. Hey, can we see the bottom of this? As a survivor of all that terrible kind of abuse. Jesus Christ. Didn't really...

That's Charlie Sheen. Charlie Sheen's a predator I just saw. Well, how do they become? Fuck. Does he know what this show is? You said this was good producing? You pointed at me and said, hey, this is like yours. No, it isn't! No, no take backs. Yeah, take back.

Next fucking bagel bar. You're taking my story. And by the way, we've been talking. He hasn't paused because he's trying to decide if he wants bacon or fucking sausage. Hey, man, this is an away game. I'm doing the best I can over here. This is an away game. It's a great one. You're right, dude. Role players play better at home. You depend on your stars when you're playing away games. All right, all right.

I can only hit in Cleveland. I don't know why. All right, all right. Okay, so. This is a shocking. This is clear. Leave your fucking dad alone. Yeah, I mean. If he went through that as a kid. Really clear. And he's opening it. He had a tough go of it.

Totally. Adopted to a pedo... To a rich family in LA. That's so fucked up. The fact that he's communicating, he's fucking trying his best. He's trying his best. And maybe all you're going to get is some taco lunches every fucking fortnight. But guess what, man? It's pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good for what the guy's been through. Be kind to this guy for the last...

X amount of onions in his life and give his ass a break, man. Oh, my God. This fucking poor guy. He's just like on the set of Apocalypse Now getting passed around. I'll tell you what. This is what's wild about kids. When my wife was pregnant, my buddy Damon Waynes Jr. said to me, he goes, no matter what you do, your kids are going to hate you, so take the pressure off. This is a great example. The kids will never give parents a break. Yeah.

The protagonist of this call, pretend it's the dad. Yeah, yeah. I got put up for adoption. Yeah. Some fucking piece of shit adopted me. Yep. Right?

Raped me. Yep. I was passed around a bunch of rich people. I was on the set of Cocktail. The producers all had a go at me. Worst case scenario I lived through. Yeah. Met a woman. I'm all fucked up. Yeah. She got pregnant. She realized, and I realized, probably best I'm not around kids. Yeah. I boogied. Yeah. You're an adult. Yeah. I'm trying to do the best I can. I would love on Wednesdays to get to know you over a taco. Then I go home and hit my head against a brick wall because I got some demons. Yeah.

And the kid goes, it's just not enough, man. Yeah. Should I remind him? Have we seen what this guy went through? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot. And also, it's interesting because it's like, was it true? That's the fun. A weird thing is like. Oh, did he put in it? Was it true? Is he doubting? No, no, no. He said that's kind of the story that he got from the mom. Which means most likely the mom has given him the nicest version. You ever met a woman?

Yeah, it's true. It's fucking true. So, yeah, dude, I mean, I don't even understand why this would come into your fucking head. Why you would even consider bringing this up over some fucking...

aqua fresca. Just fucking enjoy the taco. Just chill, bro. Just have some fucking, just have some Al Pastor. You're good. Uh, get to know, get to know your dad as best you can. Yeah. Don't show him any, uh, don't show him, don't show him Spartacus, but you,

Don't show him any Golden Age of Hollywood. Don't show him any fucking wild shit. You know, like Mike Tyson, who's got like, he's making this like big comeback. He's around his new Mike, you know, like insightful. I love Mike videos. When Mike's just letting it rip. This is a situation you don't say when he's sitting there smoking weed, talking about like life and philosophy. You don't trigger Mike Tyson. Yeah. You got molested, right, Mike? Don't say anything to Mike to bring out...

the Brooklyn mic. Right, right, right, right, right. Your dad is doing really good near a taco truck. Sure. Let's not bring him back. For sure. Let's stay right here, man. And why would you even consider it? I mean, look, maybe he's just a dumb guy and he's young and he's like asking us and he's just saying it out loud. Don't do it, man. So we're here to tell you that's fucking wild, dude. Don't do it. Don't do it. That's fucking insane. That's wild, man. What do you hope comes out of it?

Yes, agreed. What's the best thing? Like, do you want that to be part of the apology? Like, this kid seems like he's fine with the setup. Yes, but also, how about this? Does he think he's helping? That's the other thing. Maybe he's trying to be a good son and he thinks he's helping his dad. Imagine this apology. Yeah. I'm sorry that I didn't raise you because I had been getting butt-fucked and tortured. But I never did any of that to you, right? No. No.

I never even lifted a hand on you, right? Yeah.

I'm apologizing for your tough go. Yeah. Come on, man. Yeah. Yeah. No, you're right. Enjoy the taco, brother. And do not bring it up. No. He says, he ends his call by saying, I don't know how to approach this shit with a 40 foot pole, man. That's exactly right. You don't approach it. And if in some world your dad brings even something up, just be a supportive guy. Be a friend, man. Be like, yeah. Give him something positive then. Be like,

I'm sorry you went through it. And, you know, I know you were doing the best you can. And I'm glad that we're getting, you know, I'm glad that we're in each other's lives like this now. And have a little fucking gratitude that he left the group. Yeah. Because he probably left the group for good reason. Yeah. Yeah. He was like, I shouldn't be around this spot. You're fucking looking nice in those X-Men pajamas. Your dad's like, I got to take off. I got to get the fuck out of here. And good. Go. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Go live in a cave until I'm in my twenties. Yeah.

Get in the fucking Saddam Hussein bunker. Whatever you got to do. Don't repeat this shit. Bury it. Whatever you got to do, my man. Yeah. Good for this guy. Yeah. You got something fun to take us out on here? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I got a fun one. And did you respond to Ben? Yes, I did. I gave him your order. You didn't get anything, motherfucker?

He's going to do the worst thing. Everyone's going to watch you eat, which is the worst. Anybody want to eat? Everyone goes, yeah. And the food comes, you go, nobody's eating? No, no. I got two dishes and an apple. These fucks are going to eat. Don't you worry. Nice, dude. Do you guys all travel as a group? Eldis is, thank you for being such a pro that you're stalling for Eldis not being able to hit play on a call. Yeah.

Yeah, he's also my tour manager. I mean, he's my best friend. We've known each other since we were in kindergarten. So it's like, this is perfect. I mean, it's hilarious what our lives have become. Like our parents were probably like, are those two fucking morons? All they do is giggle and call each other gay. They're not going to be able to do this for long. And it's like, you'll see. Yeah, check us out now.

You figure out your technical difficulties? I think we got it going here. Okay. Ready? Yes. Stop, gentlemen. How's it going? Pause this. Got a fun little... How did you figure out not to put it on the screen? I'm about to do it. Okay. You know what? I won't bore you with the nitty gritty here. And I'm sorry, no one can see this, but Eldridge is doing something hilarious how he fucked this up. When we started doing our podcast on video...

Because we do pretty good in audio, but we're shit on video. There was a feeling as we were going that I was like, this is Wayne's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. And then you're like, oh, that's what podcasting is. It's an element of like... We grew up together. Like, press a button. You want a bagel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you think of like, yeah, but this is the... This is a... We're all doing Wayne's world. An insane... And it's like...

How did we become successful? I don't understand. How is this like a, we literally run a hugely successful media company. Me and Eldis. Me, Eldis, Benny, my friend Ben and my other friend who just like quit her job and I was like, you want to just like answer emails? Yeah.

She just had a baby. But that, honest to God, man, it's what I'm liking about because I was in the machine for so many years. Only that way. Like when Gareth first started trying to get me to do this, I was like, no, because of the machine. Our social media director is a girl who emailed us and said, you guys are really boomers with social media and you're bad at it. Can I do it? And we were like, yes. And then like the social media guy on YouTube wrote and was like, your videos are really bad. You don't know how to do it.

Can I help? And we were like, sure. And then at a certain point you go like, yeah, just how much money do you need for this ridiculous company? It's a wild era. It's really fun. It is fun. It is fun. We accidentally, I was very soured on podcasting. We accidentally created one that I liked doing. I literally was like, ah, fuck, I have to do, I have to come to it. I was like, ah, I'm never doing a podcast. I was like, fuck.

A lot of people know me from podcasts. I probably should do one. And then I was like, I'll just, yeah, I'll do one. And then hopefully my road business picks up. And then the road business did better than I ever thought it would. But not because of this. And then we just happened to get successful and we happened to turn. And by the way, when we started this, Elders didn't know shit. I shit on him constantly, but I was like, he's going to fuck it up. The shows aren't going to work. He's actually gotten good at it somehow.

He's become a good producer and I've started liking it. I'm like, oh, I guess we'll just do this forever. Well, I got into it because I was doing so many years of old world press where you go to New York, you do, you know, all the morning shows, all this, and then you would see the numbers and you go on Good Morning America, then your project, there's no bump.

But you're out there dancing in front of a live studio audience and the hosts don't like you. Right, right, right. The bits are not playing. Right, right, right. And I'm not a stand-up, so my thing is I don't want to go out. I don't like leading. I'm not looking to perform. I want to do the thing. I get it. I get it. And then all of a sudden, more and more press. It started with Dax's.

Dax I knew a little bit asked me to do his podcast. I was in his garage. Yeah, dude. And I literally thought when it started, what are we doing here, big guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is this, man? She's going this bad for you? Didn't you marry a famous person too? I know you're wealthy. Yeah, right, right. We played this. I know where you're at. What are we doing here?

The amount of people who heard that affected projects. It's crazy. So now press tours, when I did the Self Reliance press tour, I said to my publicist, I was like, let's do it differently. I'm not going to New York. I'm not doing all the morning shows. I'll do Kimmel here because Kimmel's great. But I'm doing a podcast press tour. For sure. The fucking podcast.

something killed on Hulu. It's crazy. And they all, they're all contacting me during it. They're like, thanks for all your press. I'm like, this is the press? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my own. Talking about my uncle getting his dick sucked by a proto-transvestite. But not only that, my show is now the press. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I'm like, what the fuck? It's crazy. We had the cast on that and then all of a sudden they're like, it's helping. I'm like,

This is out of control. Yeah, dude. Why would you do the talk? What's the upside? There's no fucking point. There's no fucking point. Except maybe they'll let you in the back and they'll let you push Matt Lauer's rape button. That's the only thing that might be cool about it. But it's a wild new era. Yeah, dude. It's fucking hilarious. It's really exciting. I know. It is so funny. And I don't know what we did to accidentally be positioned for it. Timing. It's crazy. It's technology. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, Elders, take us out with something fun. Gentlemen, how's it going? Got a fun little thing for you. The pause on a voicemail is shocking. I know, I know. How's it going? Can't answer your question.

A situation that I'm in currently, a decision that I got to make. Okay. It's one that I'd love, absolutely love to get your two cents on. The long and short of it is basically I got surgery in about a week for testicular cancer.

It's a good cancer to have. I'm fine. I'm not going to die. That's not what the Pope calls it. Cool, cool. Congrats. What does happen with that is they take off the nut that's got the cancer, which is my right one, right? He's got to go. Now, initially, I was prepared to live with one nut. I'd hate to lose my right nut. But my doctor told me today, this morning, that they have a prosthetic option. So here I am thinking that one of the funniest things in life, one of the funniest things

And it cuts there. Sorry. You played the wrong one, didn't you? Probably. I will say, I will say. I will say, I've never played in Yankee Stadium. Again, I know one stadium. Don't bring me on the road. I will say, there were two other versions of it that were longer than two minutes. I don't warn it. He's basically wondering if he should get a prosthetic nut or not. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I mean.

Clearly you did play the wrong one, but yeah, we get it. We do get the question. He could have vamped for another 40 seconds. That happens a lot where people will, because since it's voicemail, people will take a couple cuts at it. Oh, interesting. They keep calling it. They're like, I didn't love that one. Yeah. But so yeah, this I like. It is very funny. I think you're good on the fucking one nut. What would you do? I would get a magic eight ball put in. I would take that one. I would get that one.

But they'd be all like dick sucking themed. It's like, should you, you know, should I take it to the, should I take it to the throat? So you push it against your sack and then you can actually read it? So yeah, exactly. I would get, I would get the one removed would be like a nut sack.

But it would be like a little window. So it wouldn't be like painted like a magic apple. It would be painted like a nut. That's fine. But you would shake it up and it would be like, yes. Stitch your skin to the window of it so you can like see through your sack. It would have to be see-through for sure, for sure. It would be a little like plastic thing.

And then you shake it and it's like, should I suck stuff off? And they all say yes. I will say, I see no upside in a fake testicle. What are you, a dog? Yeah, but who cares? Have you ever been with a woman and it's getting hot and she's like, I love the look of both his nuts. Yeah, yeah. One nut, one round. I think it's cool. If this was his dick, I would say, you know, you got to figure that out. Sure, sure. You're too young to go like, if he's like, this thing is going to like, I know if you get prostate cancer, my old man told me like, your dick doesn't work. Hmm.

So it's like, if this call was like, I don't think it's going to kill me. If it does, my dick doesn't work forever. Pills don't change anything. What do I do at 30? I got it. One ball. Who gives a rat's ass? I mean, it would be funny to get both balls bigger. Yes, if you can. If you can get both your nuts. Or get one prosthetic that's huge. Or how about this? Smaller. Make your dick look bigger.

Two smaller nuts? Or you get them to split the one. Put a seam down the middle of the one. I don't know if that optical illusion works. I don't know if little nuts make your dick look bigger. I think the whole package just looks junior. You know, like, this guy's got a tiny dick and a tiny nut sack. You're right, you're right. He's got nothing going for him. The cock looks normal and nuts are tiny. This guy's got baby balls. This guy is so...

Balls are so little. If anything, it's adding. That's right. That's fun though to be called a grown man named Baby Balls. Jimmy Baby Balls. Especially if it's a mafia guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why do you call it like, honest to God, we've seen him in the sauna. Tiny Balls. Little-ish Balls. I like that more than Baby Balls. Yeah. Little-ish. Little Balls. Little-ish Balls.

I think, I mean, I wouldn't, if I got my nuts chopped, one of my nuts chopped off, I think I would rock one nut. Me too. Probably. Although, I've, I just constantly, because now I think I've talked about this before. It's probably because my penis is small, but I get told I have large nuts a lot by gals. And I think it's because my dick is small. But I do think I have pretty, but you've seen my nuts. They're pretty big, right? Yeah. Yeah. Some little bulldog nuts there. It's the most excited I've seen you all day.

By the way, the bangle doesn't bring him to life.

Shit, I don't know about his job. Same childhood best friends. You go, the nuts. He goes, got those bulldog nuts. I do have those little bulldog nuts. So I get, you know, my instinct is to say no. Sam. But now I'm thinking I do take pride in my big nuts. So if I lost. I got you. Because of my, if you think of your package as a team, my nuts are like an offensive line, an incredible offensive line propping up a mediocre quarterback. And your dick's Calmer.

I wish it was Kyler. No, Kyler would be a small dick that's good at fucking. My dick is like, my dick sues the Panthers quarterback. Yeah, my dick is Bryce Young. What's worse as a Bears fan is my dick wrecks gross things.

You guys are looking nice, by the way. I think so, too, man. Not to turn this into a Sports Bros pod at the end. You guys, too, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But you're set up for the future. I think so. I like Caleb a lot. Yeah, it's going to be awesome. He's fucking weird and cool. But yeah, dude. I think so, too. I think I... You know what?

I would need to do a little more research. I need to feel the balls. I think I might get fake balls. Let me give a pitch on this. I have a friend with one nut. And? It's cool. He doesn't have a problem with it. But here's the other thing. If you're in a bar, you're kind of getting flirted. You're with like a fun chick. You're all partying. That's true. You could say, FYI. No, you're right. But both of them work. You could say, I got a fake nut. And they go, how does it feel? You go, I can't feel anything. You could squeeze it as hard as you want.

Which is a fun game to go like, it won't hurt. And then you go like, hey, that's the one that's real. Or the other one is you go like, what's wild is I only have one nut. My sack looks so different. And she's like, really? And you go like, I'm not, yeah, no.

If you don't want it, I'm not pushing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're interested. We could find out. You could see how it works. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's a great point. Have you ever driven a moped? Yeah. You're used to cars. This is a different kind of automobile. That's true. The one nut does make you a little bit of a bingo car. Yeah, where you're like, you could say like, I know you're not into this and it's the night's ending and you're going to go home. Have you ever said you fucked a guy with one nut?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you will meet somebody who goes like, you know what, fuck it. You'll fuck one girl because you have one nut. I just want to see if it's like when it's banging against me, if there's a different thing. And then you could go, does it? And she goes, no. No, no difference whatsoever. You're like, well, I still beat you, dumb bitch. Now get out of my fucking house. Or, thank you so much, I appreciate you. Get out of my house. I have to watch Self Reliance on Hulu by myself, you fucking bitch. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

All right. Well, we did it. Thank you, dude. Thank you so much. This was so great. Please, anytime you're in New York, hit us up. And we'll get you in here with Gareth, too. I just wanted to fucking just show you, bro. You take something from me, I take something from you. All right.

Come back on the show. Let's surprise them. I would love to. I'm coming hot. Let's see what happens. I would love to. Next time you're in, if you've got some time, we'll schedule it. I will. I'm going to come back because I have a little indie movie coming out hopefully in September, October, something like that. So I'm going to come back, do a little tour here. Hop in with us. And one time, we got to play Brothers.

Are you kidding me? I would love that. In one of these things, there's got to be... I would fucking love that, dude. You and me as brothers. We'll figure that out. We're also thinking about doing... Talking about how we have control over everything. Yeah, yeah. We were thinking about in the summer writing some shorts and just making them ourselves. Just do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it'd be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then if something really feels good... I totally get it. We did a 10-minute version of something and we're like, this is great, so who knows, man? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We might even do it soon. Fun.

Thank you again, buddy. Listen to the pod, guys, and we will talk to you next time. Bye-bye.