#80 - Sam Morril and Gary Vider
01:44:47 Share

Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We have a beautiful panel, a returning champion, and two just sexy little animals coming along with him, both Winnie and Gary. An old bird and a hairless cat. I see that.

I feel honored. Yeah. Fully hairless? What's your body hair situation look like, Gary? Oh, it's like, I'm very hairy. I'm hairy outside of the top of my head. You're not that hairy. I've seen you. I'm pretty, I don't know. I'm pretty hairy. He's got an Audi belly button, too. Interesting. Interesting. I tried hiding that from Sam, and then he saw it, and now he brings it up wherever we go. It's unfortunate. I tell him, please stop. And that's just because the doctor didn't snip enough? Why does an Audi get made? I don't know. It was the 80s.

Every baby in the 80s was Maybe it was like his first one that okay doing and then he just messed up. Yeah Did you go to it? Did your parents go to a discount doctor? What do you mean is his first? No, I think he I think he Chopped and did my sister's buttons too. And then No, I'm the only one oh wow

No, it's a tough thing to have. It really is. His dick is an innie, though. There it is. Yeah. I got issues. But yeah. It started at birth, the whole body thing. This is an unleashing one-man show here. Yeah, let's go. Let's go, Gary. Fucking go. Yeah.

So I got more body hair than I would like. And I have an outie. And my dick is little. That's a tough trio, bro. I'm going to get into my childhood. What do you think your, what is your favorite attribute about yourself? Let's get positive here. He's kind of ripped. Okay. He's pretty. Guy who wants to fuck me. Let Gary out.

Let Gary answer, Sam. We didn't ask you what's the thing you want to fuck Gary the most about. We asked Gary what he thinks. I think I have nice eyes. Nice eyes. Thank you. See, I was going to say nice eyes. You never looked at them. He looks at my body. Looking at those cum gutters. Yeah.

Dreaming of just throwing a load on those washboard abs in the tour bus. We did a gig once in Columbus and we got into a fight with a woman at the airport because she was screaming at TSA. She was so fucking rude. And we just started zinging her. We're like, fuck this lady. So we just start going at her. So you're roasting her like pro bono? We're roasting her pro bono. And the TSA lady loved us for it. And then the lady turns to Gary and she goes, oh yeah, well you're short.

And Gary's response is, you should see me with my shirt off. I was like, we had her. We had her on the roof. What the hell?

It was six in the morning. You let her get you, dude? I was getting ahead of myself. She was a horrible person. And she had kids with her, too. Terrible, terrible person. She was calling me basically a little man, and then I thought that was a good response. It was definitely not the best response. No, no, no. I tried. You had a bunch of other stuff. So we see her at six in the morning. We're at TSA, and you see that she's just treating this person horribly. As soon as you see something like that... By the way, I'm sorry to interrupt. How much of a piece of shit do you have to be to be on the side of TSA? I know.

I know. That's crazy. That's insane. The lady's like, you guys want to bring in some explosives? I really, thanks for what you did up there. You want to just bring through a big gulp? I don't give a fuck. But we can't like, we're not going to fight somebody physically, but verbally we could take somebody on. It's kind of like when a UFC fighter just happens to be at a bodega that gets robbed. Right. They save the day. You're equally as heroic.

Exactly. Calling an overworked mother with an anger problem a fat bitch at 6 a.m. is the same as saving a Muslim family from getting their only piece of property, protecting their only piece of property. We were doing this El Shabab walk through security because they were distracted. But, you know, it's all right. We did our part. No,

No, she was a terrorist. I mean, you're right. You have to be a bag of shit for us to side with TSA. To be on TSA's side. And she was so out of line. Just clearly had anger problems and was just berating an overworked, miserable person. That's horrible. Yeah. That's atrocious. And then just in the airport in general. It gave us such a high, though. I didn't need a coffee after.

Wow. A confrontation like that will wake you to fire. Yeah. That's beautiful. It was nice. That is nice, man. And you guys travel all the time together. You're, you know, you basically open for Sam a lot. Yeah, yeah. You boys just take a lot of... I have to fight with him over, you know, with Nate Bargatze over who gets him. That's true. Yeah, yeah. How does that... What do you...

Do you have any loyalty? Nate's in arenas, so the checks must be nicer. I have great times with both of these guys. Here we go. Let's put you on the hot seat, Gary. It's good. I have a gun. It's pointed at Nate or it's pointed at Sam. You choose. Get rid of them. What about Sal? I don't know.

Oh, he'll be here soon. He'll be here tomorrow, actually. Come back, Gary. We'll make you answer that question again. Quality shows, it's great.

You get the curse on my shows. I do, I get the curse. Oh, you gotta work clean for Nate. Yeah, you gotta be completely clean for Nate. Wow, interesting. And you can, no problem. If not, Nate just is a monster behind stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He curses at you too. He'll beat you. He actually, he's actually branded you with a cattle iron. Yeah, exactly. It's like yellow stone, but it's just a C. You're clean. Yeah.

That's awesome, dude. Respect. Damn, that's so insane to think about. Comedy in an arena is crazy to begin with. Yeah. But clean comedy in an arena, you're literally just a guy up there. Not that cursing makes it any better necessarily, but it's just for two hours, people just little humorous. It's not even like a lot of anger. There's not a lot of like emotion. There's not a lot. It's just like.

humorous observations for two hours in the same place that like you know the Celtics play it's insane I did that I did that arena you did that arena yeah with Nate

But no, it's an insane experience. But yeah, I'm hoping that I'm not, I mean, I'm not completely clean. Sure. But, you know, when I'm up there, I'm like, I'm just hoping that nothing slips out. Right, right, right. And it's like, you don't think about it until you're like in front of that many people and you're like, oh, you could just screw up. There is no way. Your dick slips out. That's the dirtiest set of my life. The one time, the one time my dick looks big, it falls out of my jeans in an arena. Yeah.

You're in front of a bunch of 12-year-old southern children. There must be families, though, right? Because it's clean. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. That's the thing. I mean, being a clean comic, he's selling to the whole family. They don't have to get a babysitter now. Yeah. He's selling four tickets instead of two. Genius. Genius.

Not us. I'm literally... No chance. I sent Stav a cut of my special last night. My opener is about a baby sucking my penis. And the streaming partner... And I'm like, keep it! Don't you fucking cave to the man! Open with the baby sucking your cock joke, man. We're artists. We're the last truth tellers. We stand at the forefront between us and cancel culture. I'm a truth teller. And they're like, wait, did that actually happen to you? Is that real? Yeah.

We're at the edge of the wall. It's fucking Game of Thrones and we're stepping back the White Walkers, a.k.a. lib cancel culture. If we don't open our million dollar specials with pedophile jokes, then all of Western civilization will crumble.

That's what the people want. It's a great joke, too. Yeah, it works. And we should, yeah, let's get some plugs. The special will be coming out in about a month, right? It's coming out in July. July 9th on a major streamer. July 9th on a major streamer. We'll just, maybe we'll put it in if it's all said and done by the time it comes out. And Big Gary over there, you got a couple projects coming up, buddy. Yeah, May 28th, got the YouTube special coming out. Love it, love it. That's my comedy special. Sam, EP on that. Sam produced it. Yeah.

I just hung on the back and, you know, some notes and stuff. No, you gave me lines. I had to pick up. Sam shattered out. He's like, you fucked this up. I made him retell the joke about having a small dick. And he's on stage. He goes, you're making me do this to shame me.

I said, maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm a master EP. I don't know. I kept that in the end credits, too. Yeah, it's funny. And then June 10th, I got a podcast coming out about my dad, who is a con man. Love that. That's awesome. I've listened to the first episode. It's incredible. I mean, that's insane. We've talked about it before. We've been friends for years, obviously. And we're basically going to do a better version of a Pod Don't Lie episode right now. Yeah. Because remember, we had you on. We were just talking about it. And it's insane. Like...

Your father's like, it's crazy. Yeah, I mean, it started back in the 90s where he and I, we went to probably over like 50 games where I would impersonate a Sports Illustrated for Kids reporter. He would impersonate a Sports Illustrated for Kids photographer, and we'd just get into the garden completely for free. Wow. So we wouldn't have tickets. Then I'd go into the locker room after the games and interview players, and I met Jordan. Insane.

Married a Lemieux. I was at Rangers. That's your favorite hockey player ever too. Yeah, Married a Lemieux was my favorite hockey player. I was at, you know, the Stanley Cup for three of the games. It's at Glass for game seven. And Gracie Mansion for the Stanley Cup. He went to the fucking party. Yeah, my dad didn't. My dad didn't. So my dad, after getting into all this stuff, he never stopped. It was like, he would always just push it to the limits where after...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Usually that stops. When you're maybe going into college or after college, you're like, all right, I'm going to settle down. I'm going to be a normal person. My dad was like, this is how I'm going to live my life. And everything that he did was try and con people. That's wild. So you grew up in Jersey or New York? Long Island. On Long Island? Yeah, yeah. So you grew up on Long Island, and this is like, we're talking what, like the early 90s? Early 90s, yeah. Early 90s. So yeah, it is like right...

It does feel like the last time you could talk your way through that. Like, you could still probably case by case con your way through, but the early to mid-90s, like, that seems like the last time. I mean, 9-11 probably is the true bam ever since then. My dad was part of that, too. He was part of that. He tried. He talked his way off the plane. He was like, I'm just going to parachute off here, boys. Just drop me off where they're doing the X Games. I'm going to parachute down.

But that's like, that really is like, it's a beautiful time when still... I think people believed more what you were saying before 9-11. Like, people really took you at your word. Now I feel people are a little bit more suspicious. Like, is what you're saying the truth? You still could get people on shit. You can definitely get people. But now it's like, now we do so much security, almost theater. Yeah. Where it's like, there's things where, like...

taking your shoes off is not gonna do shit. You know what I mean? Like, there's stuff to make you, all the TSA stuff we do does not make us safer. It just, it just really, it makes people think something's going on, but like, the lady that, you know. Does it even though, I think most people are just angry.

Most people taking this stuff off are just like, I don't think anyone feels relieved. Well, we travel every fucking weekend. Yeah, yeah. I don't feel safe. But we're also just tired of doing anything to travel through. Think about a guy who travels literally twice, gets on a plane two times a year. He's probably like, I mean, that's how I thought. I was like, well, this is for our safety. Like, just stupid, you know what I mean? But now it's like there's so many over-the-top checks online

security checks that don't mean shit whereas back then it was like there really was barely any security there was really barely like a vest could probably get you most places internet whereas like my dad was able to reach out to the garden and then say that sports illustrator for kids was coming they didn't have like a contact over there exactly direct contact to be like is this person exactly who he says he is that's probably why they just took him at his word then he brings a kid yeah a kid gets you into like stuff especially a cute kid like gary hit the

bowl cut the 90s cut nice yeah pretty cute those gleaming sparkling tight little child body sculpted sinewy let's not forget his beautiful eyes Sam you don't even listen to the guy he told you what he wants compliments on and you're talking about how sexy he was when he was 7 tell him his eyes are nice for Christ's sake they're patting Gary down they're like is that an Audi button laughing

Put him in the uggo line. Put him in the non-fuckable child line. He was at the Jordan double nickel game. Oh, my God. Yeah, so fifth game back at the Garden. That's crazy. Back with celebrities. And then that was one where the Real Sports Illustrated for Kids guys were actually at the game. Oh!

what happened then? So they never had a, they didn't have a kid. It was, they never used a kid reporter. That's what's also like part of the genius of my dad. It's like, he didn't even check to see if like they actually used a kid, but it also didn't matter because people just believe what you tell them. Like, okay, if this guy. Looking back, it's kind of weird to be like, that's a guy and a kid. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad would also say that he wasn't my father, too. So he would be like, that's weird, though. He was just a regular photographer. That's way weirder. I think that was so weird. I would ask him, and this is sad. You can hear the rest on Quiet on Set, the Nickelodeon doc about being a weirdo. Yeah, if Gary was a better actor, he's definitely getting molested as a kid. His dad is definitely selling him to Nickelodeon.

Good thing you couldn't read lines. Couldn't memorize lines. This is how sad it was with my dad. It got to the point where we did this at so many games where I was like, can you just please say that you're my father? And that's just one of the saddest things. Aside from us never sitting together at a game. You never sat together. He would be taking photos. Yeah, he would be taking photos. So he'd be sticking his camera through the glass at the games, at the Ranger games, or he'd be on the court. And I'd either be up in the press area or I'd have a great seat. So he's just like, all right.

All right, bucko. Enjoy the game. Don't get abducted. No, exactly. I'm between the ages of 9 to 13 when I'm doing this stuff. And I'm walking around the garden by myself at the end of every half time. 13 was the end. He wasn't cute anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like any child star. They hit puberty and we're like, eh, this isn't going to work anymore. Not as good. Damn, dude. So that's so funny that the actual Sports Illustrated for kids, that is so true that it's like...

It's a kid's magazine. It's like, you go to a pediatrician, the doctor's not a child. It's like, why would it be a kid report? I mean, I guess they do the fun little video segments, but that's video. You don't want a child to take notes. It's so funny. They do the interviews, though.

Yeah, so we actually... Yeah, we even went... We went through with it. We kept up with the appearances. So I would actually interview each player and I would interview Michael Jordan. And I had a recorder. Unfortunately, we lost a lot, like the recordings and stuff. But a lot of times... Your dad pawned it off? Yeah. Your dad pawned the recorder off? Who knows? I mean, he was like...

He was always up to something. When I interviewed Mario Lemieux, we videotaped it. So like, who knows what happened to those tapes. But the podcast, yeah, it talks about the con and then it goes deeper than that because after when I was about like 15, I stopped talking to my dad completely. And so for 24 years, he and I haven't spoken.

And the podcast picks up where I just had a kid and I start thinking more about my dad and like this great thing that we did at the garden. You had a kid, he's like, I got to get back to this. He's like, dad, how did you get him to listen?

How'd you get him in? Yeah. So, yeah, the podcast picks up with me basically on like the search and find out mission. Why did my dad make these decisions that he made? Because we haven't talked in 24 years. Wow, dude. I try and go find out where he's at. And yeah, that's interesting. That's 10 episodes. We were telling the story to this production company. And Gary's like, you know, I met Bill Murray. I met Cindy Crawford. And they're like, sounds like he was a great dad. We're like, well, he left.

He wasn't a good person. He did cool shit for him. Also, it was like a lie and a crime and based off of... Yeah, this was like the nicer lie. You weren't allowed to tell people in school. Yeah, I couldn't tell people. It's a weird thing to get those opportunities and those pictures and you couldn't tell his classmates. Yeah, couldn't tell anybody and then...

You're the kids like, I know Michael Jordan. They're like, shut the fuck up. You don't know Michael Jordan. I was with him last night. Me and Mike, I just asked him what his favorite type of pasta was. He said macaroni and cheese. I'm like, shut the fuck up, Gary. We're tired of Gary's pathological life. You're the one kid. He's just like your dad. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, that kid that was always like, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, my mom went to high school with the Blue Ranger, actually. Like, just those dumb lies. You actually could have told, you were telling the truth. And no one would have believed you. Yeah, I just wanted to know, like, I was at the Ranger Stanley Cup game seven, and the next day I was in school, like, after, I probably went to bed at four in the morning.

And the next day I'm in fifth grade and I'm going to school with my classmates and it's like, none of it makes sense. Like, I didn't want to, I couldn't share that with anybody. I'm like, I was just at their after party. That's wild. That's the secret element of it is a thing you don't think about either because that'll fuck a kid up too, which is like, I'm just not allowed to share anything.

the only bonding, the only positive experience we ever had, I'm not allowed to tell anyone. Well, most parents tell their kids to tell the truth and my dad was like, yeah, if a lie gets you farther, you know, go with it, you know? Wow. So have you lied? Was that something you had to like get rid of? Yeah, for sure. Like were you a liar? I feel like I was, I mean, you know, we talk about like,

you know, children being groomed. I was groomed at least to be a liar, not by a pedophile or anything. But I was groomed to be a scammer. And like, I saw that how it worked for my dad. And it was like at point where I was like, you know, at end of college, I'm like, do I want to be,

be the person my dad was or do I want to be me? And I chose to be my dad. You chose to be your dad? Do I want a courtside cigarette? Yeah. 400s. What do I, you know? No, I did stuff. Like, I sold drugs in college and like, it wasn't like, something, my dad, as far as I know, you know, he never sold any drugs but I was like, I figured out how to get away with it.

You find the little loopholes of like, Gary's a snitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just find the minority and say he did it. And it actually works so much more than you'd think it would. Yeah, they'll buy it. You don't even need proof, really. I sold cocaine in college. Ooh, a coke? Did that ever get you pussy?

Yeah, I did well. There we go. Upstate college. Upstate college, Buffalo. Buffalo. Yeah, so there's a kid actually from Queens. That's some hefty whores up there. That's a lot of lines you got to take. That's not a New York City line you got to take down to get pussy. That's a 185 gal. He's got a fat, thick rail. You're like, God, geez, take it easy.

All the people that I would sell to were all in a fraternity or sorority that I knew. So it was probably a group of like 400 kids. That's always the best. Yeah. It seemed safe. Looking back on it, it wasn't smart. Who was your connect? How did you get? There was a guy from...

Somebody put me in touch with him, and I think he was selling to other colleges, but then he would come up to Buffalo, and somehow I got his information, and he would drive it up from Queens. His name was Mike. Never got his last name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he would give me a quarter pound of Coke, and then I would sell him. I'd just bag it up, and I'd sell him as grams or like 20 bags, and then you'd just be, you know, every basically three weeks, he would drive up again. Beautiful. Yeah. That's a nice little... Yeah.

What every re-up get you? How much would you make off a quarter? Probably, I think it was something like the whole, an ounce would sell for like $2,300 and I always wind up getting it for about like $700. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, and then you can do that every three weeks, you know.

per ounce you're doing pretty good that's not and I'm guessing your your studies you didn't care about your studies too much at the time or what no I didn't care I mean I was making my I felt like I was like loaded yeah you know especially in college oh my god and then my uh my mom she didn't have any money so like and I was at a state school so there wasn't like much of much of a tuition but like as far as like spending money I'm like oh I could go out to bar I could just yeah yeah yeah this is so much better than being poor oh absolutely yeah

But then you have to decide, like, do I want to continue to do this after college? I love the idea that you could. It's funny. Do I go pro? I'm like, I'm making good money. I'm like, how do I become Mike? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the answer is, yeah, I mean, it's like going up that ladder is scary.

The bottom of the drug ladder, like one step above the absolute bottom. You're like, you just give somebody up. It's great. Well, no, not that. I mean, you're not even close to anything like that. Where it's like, I mean, that is kind of, you're right, Mike, you could have gone. But I just mean like where you are, you're probably not getting caught.

You know what I mean? You're selling to college kids. Like, I mean, they get caught, then you're fucked because they're immediately snitching. But you're selling to within a circle of people. You're not really in any kind of deal that's scary. It's some guy you know who's just going to give you... Right, right. Maybe he rips you off longer. You did a close call once, didn't you?

Yeah. So my roommate at the time, we went up to like Toronto and my roommate at the time, he like, I guess locked himself out of the apartment like a few days before we left for Toronto and he climbed through our window to get into our apartment. And this fraternity lived across the street and they saw him get into our apartment in this way. He like moved the garbage can, got

And so we came back from Toronto and we had an alarm and it was going off and I go into my my room and it's like my door is knocked off the hinges and this

Plate I had That I would chop up coke with It was just like out And uh My laptop was missing They didn't find the coke Which was hidden actually In my laptop case Get the fuck out of here And I had I had like eight grand That was hidden in Like this laptop case also Oh my god And uh But yeah And then I go to my roommate Wait did Fred just rob you Of your laptop Yeah because they knew That we were like Up in Toronto And then they just took Whatever

that could get in my room. But they didn't know you were a Coke, a Coke, the Coke guy? Yeah, yeah, they knew I was a Coke dealer. That's why. So what, but they didn't find the cocaine? They didn't find the cocaine. So they're like, all right, we'll take the laptop. Yeah, they took the laptop. Our neighbor, the guy across the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so weird that Frappros didn't do the right thing. Yeah.

It's really strange. Yeah. They came back and raped you. Yeah, yeah. In your Brita, you're like, huh, my Brita filter, the water looks cloudy. Well, I'm really thirsty from coming back from Toronto. Glug, glug, glug. And then you just wake up, the guy's fucking your mouth. Where's the cocaine, Gary?

So I was pissed because I just started writing jokes. Like, just started. I was like, oh, let me, like... Can I get my laptop back at least? I knew you did it, but, like, I never got it back. But you knew you had it. There's nothing funnier than... We had this alarm going off, and I said to my roommate, I'm like, not only did this guy show them how to break in, but I'm like, so the alarm's going off. Why are, like, the cops here? And he goes...

I forgot to pay the bill for the alarm company. And I'm like, but that kind of saved me too because the cops would have came in and they would have seen a plate full of cocaine. Someone came in here and left cocaine. Took a laptop and left cocaine. I would have had nothing. So that would have been the chance of like, all right, you know, it's cops in Buffalo. I think cops want to like fuck with a college kid. Yeah, of course. So they would take advantage of that. Well, that's what I was going to say. I got fucking handcuffed in college by cops and they had a field day.

Yeah, dude. They loved it. There's no, because like a college, a campus cop is kind of the perfect intersection of like mall cop insecurity with real cop power. And it's like, and then you give them college kids who it's like no one respects and no one should. It's perfect for a, you know, megalomaniac cop. I dodged a similar bullet where,

where we were just, I was a freshman just smoking a blunt on the street in New Orleans with college kids and we're just, you know, we're getting high, we're, you know, drunk, whatever. The cops pull up. It's like, what do you think's happening outside of fucking Fred's house? It's New Orleans, yeah. But we're getting pretty baked and they handcuff all of us. We're in like a back alley.

They're going through all of our shit. I was an aspiring comic. They pull my joke book out. I remember this story. Yeah, and they start reading my bits, and they sucked. I fucking stuck, so they're just laughing at me. But because of that, they didn't shake your ass for the rest of the week. No, what actually happened was they were like, after torturing me for a couple minutes, all the fucking kids are laughing at how shitty my jokes are. They let us go, and one of the kids goes, I had coke on me. Wow.

So we dodged a bullet. By being such a shitty open mic. Yeah, dude. I was a bad comedian. But it is funny, like even that, even I guarantee you the bits that were lost were like some of the worst bits of all time. That first six months you start comedy, you're like, no one can steal. I remember being like, I remember the time being like, Robin Williams is an unforgivable piece of shit.

shit because I'd heard a rumor that he had stolen someone's jokes I'm like if somebody did that to me my art and I'm like dude like my jokes about being too fat to wipe my own ass no one will take those from me it was just he's like nah I'm good oh my ass is dirty

Oh, I have to clean it. Yeah, I used to jot so much stuff down. Damn, I would love to do it. But that was like so precious to me. It was like whatever was in my laptop. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, damn, I wouldn't even care about like in that moment. I was like, I didn't care about the Coke. That's so funny. I don't care about that. That's how wrong our personal though. It's like your intimate thoughts. So it's not just your jokes. We were just like, this is like, it's almost like when you see someone looking over at your notes and you get so, you're like, what are you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an extension of my mind. Yeah.

but it's nothing. Yeah. The guy who stole my laptop, that's Mark Norman. You're like, talk weird your whole life. That was the one thing it said, talk in a way you don't really talk, but now you've done it so long. I think you do actually talk that way now. You had written that. That's crazy that you were that close to,

going down. Yeah. But I mean, you also would be, the scare, like, you are in a safe place, but if any danger happens, you're so fucked at that level of drug dealing. I remember, because I sold weed in Baltimore City in high school, and it was like, my friend, I bought the weed from my friend's brother who was,

We went to the magnet school, and his brother was clearly the first draft son. It was a brother from a different marriage. His dad had not gotten it right. If I wasn't friends with his brother, I literally bought weed from this guy.

in my school uniform in my mom's Dodge Caravan. And it was like, that guy could have robbed me at any moment and I would have done absolutely nothing about it. You know what I mean? And there was one time where I was like, should I sell cocaine? I mean, I got this weed thing. And then my friend was like, we were talking about buying cocaine. And he was like, all right, so I'm just going to go grab a couple guns and we'll be ready to go. And I was like, you know what, man? I actually decided I'm good on this.

I actually decided as soon as guns come out, like one kid had gotten like a, he had a heart issue and he won a huge settlement. And he was like, dude, I'm going to invest my money. I'm going to buy cocaine. He was like, do you want to get in on this with me? And I was like, and then our other friend who had just been selling cocaine, the three of us will pool our resource together. And I'm like,

Hmm, which one of us is getting robbed if I go into these two? Which of the three of us is getting his $10,000 or whatever, $5,000, whatever money I had pooled up? It was probably even less than that. It was probably like $2,000 of all my week. Who of us is getting robbed out of the three of us? The hardened already cocaine dealer? The 6'8 kid with a heart condition that lives in this neighborhood? Or me? Or the fat white guy with rosy cheeks?

Hey, fellas, let's get this. Let's fucking, let's get, let's not fuck up our re-up, right, guys? Just like Gucci man says. So I was like, once guns were mentioned, I was like, what the fuck am I doing? But it's crazy because you're so close to like anyone. Like, I mean, you know, you're a cute little guy. I can't believe you didn't get robbed more. Well, that's what I was kind of going with where it's like, I would be, they wouldn't suspect

at me as being the dealer. So I was like, oh, I can use that to my advantage. But why didn't Cokeheads rob you is my question. I guess you were a nice guy. I think it's like, it was a fair rob. It was a fair rob, but never like jumped or anything like that, which is pretty crazy. I guess it was just the environment where it's like, you know, Buffalo where you can have, it didn't get around to the group of kids that would actually rob you. Of course, of course. Does that mean that group of kids obviously existed? Totally.

they didn't know about it yeah i never did coke ever that's correct we've talked about that it's insane to grow up to grow up in manhattan and not do cocaine i knew a kid who jumped out of a 30-story building when we were young so i was like that's enough he did enough coke that was like all right i'm out damn how how old was he he was like ninth grade or something ninth grade doing coke yeah

Yeah, that's crazy. I'm going to guess something else was going on. I would assume so. I guess coke gives you confidence, but if you work the confidence to kill yourself, that's fucking bad. I could fly. Wait, I can't. The one guy to follow through on his cocaine ideas. I should kill myself tomorrow. Why tomorrow? Let's do it right now.

Coke just always scared me, though. Of course, it's scary. I'm a sports guy, so I'm biased. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, the Coke people, their vibe was not... Yeah, no, I agree. No, it's annoying as shit. I'm like, you're not making me want to do this shit. No, no, no. I don't usually vibe with... The same thing in my school...

Nobody actually did. You either sold cocaine or you sold, honestly, crack. Or you smoked weed. Or you were like, it really was like a rich. There was also like a class thing to me where I was like, it was the annoying rich kids that did cocaine. And I was like, I don't want to be like these motherfuckers. I'm a weed guy. I'm a fucking legalized weed guy. It was also cooler. I mean, it wasn't.

But it was like, we hadn't fully... It was still illegal. It wasn't not dangerous. It wasn't as lame as it is now. I'm sure I'm still listening sublime and pretending to like Bob Marley more than I do to be a cool guy. You know what I mean? But it wasn't like...

So there was still, you know, anyway. The weird thing about when you're doing Coke is that you think that if you start doing it, I remember I was doing it like on Tuesday. These were the nights to go out in school. It was like Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. So I'd do it those three nights, and I did it for maybe like three months at that rate a few nights a week, and you think that everybody else is also doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you go out and you talk to somebody, and you're like,

And they're like, you? And they're like, no. What are you talking about? No, dude, it's Tuesday. I mean, I know it's Buffalo, but fuck, I'm chill, dude. Get your life together. Well, that's fascinating, though. So, you know, whatever. You're selling coke and stuff, but where I'm interested, too, in going backwards a little bit about your dad, where it's...

I also like that everyone here has a weird father. Everyone here has a fractured relationship with their biological father. I think that's what connects us. You just know it. That's crazy. Eldest is dad by default. It's a toss-up between mine and your dad about who's a better dad, but it's...

It's a bad... It's like when Michael Carter Williams won Rookie of the Year. That's a real deep cut for NBA guys. That's a good joke if you like the NBA. But, yeah, that's a tough one. Four bad dads in the room. Mine didn't even stick around. Mine did. That was the problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a good case study. I got a good stepdad.

You got a great stepdad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's your actual dad. But, yeah, I mean, the blood, the nature versus nurture thing, yeah, it's a good question. Yeah. What do you want? Yeah. When you got a shit dad, do you want him to stick around? Right, right, right. Or are you better off if they leave? Right.

Right. Probably better if they leave for sure. And not that my dad, I'm glad. I guess I'm glad. I still, I don't know my fear. I still have to investigate my feelings about my father. But so your parents were like, so you have a, how many kids, how many siblings do you have? Two older sisters. Two older sisters. So you're the baby.

So, yeah, when my middle sister left for college, I was the only one in my house with them. And I was like, fuck, I'm not going to be able to make it. Because they were just arguing so much. It was so bad. But they stayed together, huh? They stayed together. And then by the time I was a sophomore in high school, I was like, I need to get out of here. And I played ice hockey. So I knew a couple of kids that went to a boarding school. So I was like, how do I get over there? Wow, you sent yourself to a boarding school? Yeah.

I figured out how to get out. Jesus Christ. I filled out the paperwork for it. Wow. My parents, like, finally, like, agreed on something, and they agreed to send me away. And then, so I only had to see them, like, you know, like, four times a year outside of, like, coming... Really? That's not... Would you go to a shitty one, or what is it? Those seem expensive. Yeah, well, my dad conned his way in, said that he always had money, but he would always deny how much money he had. Right, right, right. So he would...

I got in on like financial aid apparently. Beautiful. That is awesome. And of course at times they would threaten me that they'd have to toss me out of school because he wasn't paying. Yeah. It wasn't like a full ride of financial aid. So the little money that he did have to pay was always like a thing. So you're a kid where like, yeah, your dad hasn't paid the bill. And then you'd call home and like, hey, can you pay? There were times I didn't want to talk to him, but you need your parents. It's also like you get evicted.

Not only can you not go to school, it's like, well, this is where you live. They just send you on the streets.

What was his thing? Like they just grew up together. Like what was the thing about your parents? I mean, he met her, uh, I guess when he was in his twenties, like right out of, uh, almost about to be out of college. And he, uh, he was just running a, uh, a con himself at the time where he was, uh, stealing exams in college and selling them. And he made a ton of money off of it where he was able to buy my house in, uh, in Dick's Hills.

Yeah. That's how much money he was making off of. Stolen college exams? Yeah, he was selling them for $400 a pop. Nice. It's crazy. That's a lot of money, dude. You're talking about inflation? This is the 80s. Yeah, this is 1979, 1980. Wow. $400 a pop. Yeah. Wow.

So, yeah. And I remember asking him, I'm like, how much money did you make off of that? And he goes, more than the professors in college. That's how much money I was making. Teaching's a scam. What are his parents like? Do you know your grandparents at all? Were they like... They were... They came from...

Czechoslovakia and Russia. And then so like, you know, I get they were nice people, but it's like they were trying to survive and they didn't have a lot of money. And, you know, just like I mean, I feel like kids in like the 60s, like you're always going to be sneaking on the subway. Yeah. Like that doing these little things, cutting school. But

My dad was just the guy who would just go farther than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He would push it to the limit. I could see that. I guess I also knew... I feel like you probably also knew the foreign parents that were so oblivious because of the culture difference that you could really...

You can get away with a lot. Even in like, you know, and I'm obviously younger than your dad, but even in the 90s with foreign parents, I had friends who got away with crazy shit. Whose parents just were not plugged into America at all. So back then, it's like fresh foreigners in the 60s with just the... Yeah, my buddy was from Iran and he, at 15, he was driving his car. He was visiting me in boarding school, driving up there. I'm like, I don't think you could do this. My parents gave me the car. I'm like, all right.

That's fucking awesome. Any other cons that you're aware of that your dad was pulling? Yeah. So after, you know, he obviously left college and then he went into the furniture business. And for years you would have, you know, have this furniture business that seemed like it was, you know, on the up and up. But he wasn't sending furniture to certain people. So over time, it's not the greatest con. Yeah.

How about this, Moritz? I keep the money and don't give them anything. How do you get away with that? He got away with it for a long time until it's like enough people complain. They didn't have Yelp back then? No, they really didn't. It's the Better Business Bureau. So it's like that's who would feel the complaints. So you could really just be like, you got your couch. You could argue it. It's like, what are these people going to do? So he would just keep complaining.

keep doing that over and over again but only like certain people yeah eventually that like uh got the attention of the better business bureau and then the attorney general got involved apparently this was over like a hundred thousand dollars back then in the 80s that that he like stole and there was a big like news article for it um there's other things like i i heard about that he uh he stole like he worked for um

like an accounting firm and he was a power of attorney for somebody. Oh my God. And he stole over $400,000 and he got arrested in the office. Yeah.

And this is, this was stuff, this was stuff like there's certain things where it's like, I couldn't, uh, prove cause just cause it's so far, far back. But, um, these are things that like would come up when I'd be like interviewing different people and be like, how do you not get the shit kicked out of you? How do you not get like, well, those are things like he was asked, uh,

Like I had somebody that I interviewed where he goes, you know, let me start with this. Is that one time we would go to Hershey Park and we went to Hershey Park and my dad was on the ride at Hershey Park. And there's like the Velcro strap that was part of the ride just like broke off. And he got off the ride and he starts complaining about his ribs, goes to the hospital and everything. Winds up suing Hershey Park and made $50,000 off of this.

So after that, we're like, this is what I believe my entire life happened. After that, I'm like, I'm interviewing a cousin recently for the podcast. And he goes, remember that thing that happened to your dad at Hershey Park? Well, oddly enough, I was talking to him maybe, you know, a few years back. And I asked him, I'm like, did you ever get roughed up? And he goes, yeah, one time back in the 90s, I got punched so hard I broke one of my ribs.

And my cousin was the one, he's like, well, that's not the same exact time as like the Hershey Park thing. So he went, so in my cousin's mind, he went to Hershey Park with these broken ribs and then made this whole thing up so he could get a payout off of it. Fully. I believe that. A scammer sees a silver lining. It's like, wow, a guy finds out you've been stealing his pension and he kicks the shit out of you. Hershey Park's paying for this. Even like your childhood memories to an amusement park.

It's painted by him doing a con. Isn't that crazy? Were you ever a part of any other cons? I mean, the big con, obviously, is the Sports Illustrated kid, but did he ever use you in any other? The only other things would be like we would go if we, I remember we were in a car once that got hit from behind, you know, and it's like, he's like, my neck hurts, your neck hurts too, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then you go in and you file a claim with Geico. You know, every time we would go to the movie theater, nothing.

I mean, it's little, but it's like you're always sneaking in. You're never not going to pay for a ticket. And it's like, can we pay for it? It's the same thing. It's like, can you be my dad? Of course. Can you pay for a ticket? And I'm like, he's like, no, Gary. He's like, you got to sneak under the ropes. And I'd sneak under the ropes and I'd be like down like the hallway. And then he'd go up to the usher and he'd be like, my kid's over there. Look, he's the one who has our tickets. And then my dad would get in too for free. Oh.

And he's like, I mean, we did this. I mean, of course we'd see all his movies. I saw Child's Play at five years old. You know? Oh my God. He's not even taking a seat. I've seen Child's Play, Tremors, Rambo. I mean, these are the movies that he's making me negotiate. What else? You had some others that were good. What the fuck? Oh yeah, I mean, Beverly Hills Cop. It's like everything. Did he ever use your sisters in a con? Do you know?

As far as I know, it's like, it would just be little stuff. It's like, my sister, she talks about this, but she, she got hit with a lacrosse stick. She was running track and she was on, on the road. They were doing like, like a cross country training thing. And these, these kids came by in high school and just like whacked her with like a lacrosse stick. Jesus. Kids was like fucking with her. And,

And my father. That's kind of wild for fucking someone. My father hears that this happened to his daughter. And also probably because he wants a payout. And he used to drive a Chevy Caprice, which looks as an unmarked cop car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So my father found out which was the kid that did this. And he drives to this guy's house, finds exactly where he lives, waits for this kid to leave, and then pulls him over in his Chevy Caprice.

Did he have a fake little... He interrogates this kid. Did he have the fake... He had a light on the side, but that came with the car. Oh, really? So he didn't have a fake light or anything. But he would pass himself off as a cop. Pull this kid over. I guess basically threatened him, saying that he knows what he did. But he also found out where this family lives. And then my sister got a payout in a lawsuit. Because he wanted to make sure that this family had money, too.

So it's like a Jewish gangster. Yeah. It's like Goodfellas where instead of roughing people up, he's like, I'll find a way. Yeah. We'll see how liquid you are. Let's see if this law, if this litigation is worth it. Yeah. He lived in court. He would do anything. Really? Did the judges start to know him?

I mean, as far as I know, no one's ever said that. But I mean, I assume that it's like... I guess they can't look up somebody's history. It's like one lawsuit is completely different than the next. Yeah, I mean, this really is a guy that survives off of... This type of guy is not... It's not possible to be this guy right now anymore. You can't be a scammer like this anymore because so much of it... He existed in the cracks where there was no connection between stuff. Like even that furniture scam...

He could just call and be like... They can call him and be like, well, it says here you're going to have to take it up with the UPS. You're calling everyone. There's no websites to check. There's no nothing. And it's a pain in the ass. And it's a pain in the ass. And he's taking advantage of how annoying everything is. And there's no way to check. Like, if anyone just took the time to check what your dad did, I bet he could also tell who would be the kind of person to do that. Right? So, fascinating. Damn. And, you know, obviously you don't spoil it, but I do wonder...

I do wonder what a guy like that is up to these days. Yeah, and that's the whole thing. Yeah, trying to figure out, like, why did he make those decisions? And then it's like, will he be willing enough to, like, talk on the podcast? Yeah. Well, no spoilers. I haven't listened to it. No. No, he's living off some dumb bitch right now because all his scams have dried up. That's my, that's what I'm picking. I just like to put... He's President Biden. Yeah.

That's a twist. Now, look, I might be wrong, folks. Listen to the podcast and see. Was Tom right? Was he wrong? The weird thing about the podcast is I'm not an investigative reporter by any means. So I have to use my dumbness to try and figure things out. That is really funny. Well, it's funny that you kind of are now, though. He got you in as being a reporter, and now you're a fucking reporter. When he left, did your mom ever get a...

remarry or anything like that yeah she remarried um and then she you know this is like such a tough thing for her for me to like be doing because it's like she just doesn't she wants to bury it all yeah yeah she wants to bury it all she you know so that that's kind of that's whatever honestly i relate to that too my mom was not thrilled when i met my biological father but there's not much you can guess what yeah hey don't let them nut inside you ladies those were my exact words

I was like, Mom, it's your fault he came in here. So I don't know what the problem is. But for real, I mean, it's crass, but truly, that's a form of selfishness on the mom. Because, like, I struggle with this, too. She didn't say don't meet him. She just was like, I could tell it upset her. Of course. I don't think it was her trying to be selfish, but.

I'm not saying your mom. I'm just saying, like, I struggle with that, too, of, like, when one parent is clearly worse. Yeah. The other parent did let them get away with that and put you in that position. So whatever you have to do to get over that, they just got to live with, right? Like, I'm just saying that because I struggle with, like, giving my mom maybe too much of a pass. Because with my parents, it was like my dad clearly was the worst one. But it's like...

My mom enabled all that behavior and like, you know, he was in the house. I agree. Blame women. So the point is, stand up. Don't let them nut inside you and stand up to them or shut the fuck up.

all right wait look that's as good a point as any to get into our advice uh that's so fascinating i am incredible i can't wait to listen to the podcast just talking to you about it so because like people come on here and it'll be like shit i don't get it's like my friends are like yeah no i'll watch your fucking special i will actually well watch both your specials but i'm i'm so interested to listen to that just as anyone out like even if it wasn't my friend it's like that's

Like, a con man, just like a small-time con man. Small-time con man. I'm not passing him off. He's not Bernie Madoff, but he also... He did make off.

Yeah, exactly. But as far as I know, he didn't get, you know, caught ever. So it's like, is it better to be the guy who like went all out, went so far ahead to get caught and now you're in jail at the end of your life? Or is it better to be the guy who just was under the radar? Yeah. And then what happens to those guys? Because yes, they don't learn their lesson, right?

But eventually your life, I mean, look, the clock's ticking on your life. Well, he doesn't talk to me. He doesn't talk to my sisters. So it's like, what's better? Like, you know, is it good to live that way? Totally, totally. It's fascinating of like, let's say you don't get caught, but what are the consequences of it? And oftentimes I do think, look, the main guys, yes, those are interesting stories, the big, the main house, whatever. But it's like, they're also pretty cut and dry. But the guys, the smaller guys are more interesting because it's like they have way more eccentricities.

Big time crooks, they're just the same as billionaires where it's like they just have that pathology, pathological need to make more and more and more and take and take and take. Whereas these guys are like,

you don't know what makes them tick. What the fuck? It's a weird way to behave. Well, I think he got off on line for sure. I think you're right about a guy like Madoff or some of these big Ponzi scheme guys. This is like a small-time thing. So he's hands-on. He's literally lying. He's not lying on a phone call. He's lying to your fucking face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And the psychology of that. But that's what I mean. To me, it's fascinating for all aspects of it. I mean, the way Goodfellas, if you think about it, Goodfellas is about

Henry Hill is not even made. He's an associate. That's a much more fascinating character than the bosses. All bosses, all whatever, figureheads...

they're the same if we're really boiling it down to it. They have different eccentricities and whatever, but it's about blind ambition. With the guys in the middle and bottom, it's like, damn, being a fucking, a small fish in this ruthless type of life is fascinating. So, I'm excited. Yeah, if you look at it like, I think he had a, uh,

front of the line mentality. He just was like, I don't wanna wait in the back at the movie theater. I wanna get ahead of the line on opening night. I wanna figure out how do I get myself up there? And I think that's how he approached everything. If I go to the pizza place, I want the owner to know who I am so I can get free slices for me and my kid. The other thing he would always do, so he had a payphone business

And part of the payphone business was... Like, just all these things that don't exist. Yeah, exactly. And they don't exist because of guys like this. Yeah. Anything that your dad was doing shouldn't exist anymore. But he knew phone systems. He had a Beanie Babies car. Yeah.

He would go to Blockbuster and just put frozen discs of human shit in How to Lose a Guy in 10. Every fourth How to Lose a Guy in 10 DVDs was one of Gary's dad's frozen shit. He would take you to the Wiz and just reach in there.

But yeah, he would find a way where any type of thing that he would do, yeah, like the small-time crook, where it's like a Bernie Madoff, it's money. It's hedge funds. Like, yes, my dad seemed like he was after money, but he's also just after the rush of a free set, how to pull one over on somebody. In every conversation that he's had, how can he scam somebody right now? It is honestly, I've heard the first ep, it's produced like a funny 30 for 30. Yeah.

It's like so highly produced and so well done and there's cool music. It's incredible, man. I'm pumped. I think it's going to turn into a show or a movie at some point. It should. It's awesome. Hey, you need someone to play your fat piece of shit father. That's pretty good. For sure. That's pretty good. I would love to play that. And I'll play the lieutenant trying to catch him. Yeah. We have a love triangle with young Gary. We're rewriting everything. Great point, my friend.

who's on this podcast right now. I just want to take a break from our riveting conversation to highlight the listeners of this show because we've told them over and over again, hey, give us a five-star review. And some of them will do it to the kindness of their hearts, but others, they need attention. And we're here to give it to them. So what we're going to do here, occasionally on this program, when we don't have another, when we don't have a mid-roll advertisement program,

We will highlight some of our favorite five-star reviews. You'll get on here if you're witty, you keep it quick, and you don't, and it's five stars. Take the four stars and shove them. I don't want to hear, this is North Korea media as far as I'm concerned. And listen, you can trash us. You can trash me and Elvis, but give us five stars. Trash us personally, say something nice about the show and give us five stars. You can be on it.

We prefer if you didn't. For example, here our friend Joel Ocasio says, maybe some connection to Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez. Who knows? Best show he's ever heard. Stabby Baby could bang my girlfriend if I had one. This is the only show that I am checking my phone every 10 minutes the day of an episode is to come out. Sounds like Eldest needs to be doing a little better with the uploads.

Love it. Keep doing it. And if you ever make a movie, please use an all-Albanian indentured servant crew for the set. Yeah, right. And the fucking cameras go missing overnight. Nice thinking.

But thank you for that five-star review. Here's one from Skolnia, the best comedian podcast right now. Wow, that makes us feel good. Listening to this show as a balding man has given me the confidence to grow my hair out. That's what I like to hear. No one has a better time with guests and gives incredible life advice while being funny. I even love Eldest and his incompetence. Hey, it's shocking how good Eldest is. The fact that this show comes out at all is incredible. He really pulls it off.

Here's one from Han Jason. I peed. One of the best podcasts. Are you garbage? Episode is insanely funny. Love those boys. My coworkers now think I have a disability or I'm on lots of drugs from laughing so hard. Well, that's what we can hope for is that your coworkers think you're fucked up on the job. Thanks to this podcast. Thank you for those five star reviews. Do we have any more? That's it for this for this app. One more.

Sure, just too drunk. Without question, the best podcast out there. Stop being witty, funny, and incredibly easy to binge. Jeez, Jess, thank you. Best patron out there as well. Only $5 a month, you get exclusive episodes at...

Ad Free, that's correct. One of the only comedians I can not recognize the first name of and decide to listen to anyways. Stavi introduced me to so many incredible comedians and puts them on. I do like doing that. A real comedian's comedian. If I can go back in time, it would be to when I found Stavi's world. Eldest, you rule. Now that's beautiful. Eldest does rule. And thank you for putting an organic plug to the Patreon in there too. We're just doing this to get five star reviews. But hey, if you want to sign up for the Patreon, Just Too Drunk,

They are right about that. We also have a great Patreon and we don't miss, we've never in almost, is it over two years? How long have we been doing this? A year and a half?

I think it'll be two years this fall or winter. Two years, yeah, that's right. Two years in December. In a year and a half, we haven't missed an upload ever. We've been late like only a handful of times. Yeah, sure. There's been a handful of 10 p.m. uploads. Right. Eldest is on the day it comes out. It's come out at 11 p.m., which are you even doing it that day? Not really. But hey, he was probably on vacation and assured me it wouldn't affect his work quality. He could definitely find Wi-Fi in Hawaii. Yeah.

But either way, we've never taken a day off and we won't. We record in batches so that the people have a steady stream of podcasts. But thank you for the five star reviews. Keep them coming. We love you. And now what were we talking about, buddy? All right, let's get to some questions here. What do you got going for us?

Alright motherfucker, I didn't know that beep was gonna happen right away. It's nice to be home when you fuck up the first call every time. I couldn't even get my thoughts for the last call. I sound like a dumbass. I'm not gonna sound like a dumbass, brother. Listen, real quick, fire this up. Yo, I need your advice for this. What up, Stavi? What up, Eldis? What up, Gav? How many times are you gonna start? Love you, Stavi. Love you, Eldis. Great pod. Congrats on the success. All that bullshit. Anyway. Here's the situation.

I'm a straight man. My girlfriend's a straight woman. That's for context. I posted a UFC fighter who's really jacked on my Instagram story and said that he had the best physique in the UFC. My girlfriend said that

That I sh- it made her- basically made her uncomfortable that I posted that and said it would have been like if she posted a dude on her story that she thought was hot. I said that wasn't the same thing because like I said earlier we're both straight so I thought it would have been like if like some celebrity girl was looking hot and she posted on her story and was like "whoa slay" or something like that like that's what I would have equated to so

What?

Let's file this under juice not worth the squeeze. It's 12.

12 seconds of a good question with a minute and 45 seconds of hemming and hawing. That was a lot. Basically, the question is...

I mean, he posts a picture of a UFC fighter who says he's got the best physique. And his girlfriend gets mad, gets jealous. It's a weird thing to talk about. Number one, your girlfriend is cheating on you. I mean, if her trigger is this light on jealousy, it's like, is she... Because that can happen. People that are hiding something can be ultra, like, touchy. Yeah. But this is great. I agree with you. First of all, it is hilarious.

There is a type of like bodybuilding guy that is basically gayer than gay guys. Where they just fucking salivate over like a guy's delts or traps or something. And like even... Like here's the thing. Your girlfriend's wrong, but it is weird for you to be like...

Oh, look at this fucking Adonis. You know what I mean? It's weird to say it. It's weirder to post it. Yeah. You know what? Thinking best physique in the UFC. Listen, you can't help your thoughts. You can't help. You see this guy. He's ripped. You're like, damn, that's a fucking. What are you trying to accomplish by posting? Damn, this guy's fucking hot.

On your Instagram story. That's crazy behavior. We're all dudes that watch sports. I get it. You're watching a game occasionally, like, you know, Saquon was our running back for the Giants, so I'd be like, man, look at his legs, you know? Thighs of fives. I bet he's got a sweet dick, you know? I'd love to suck it. You take it too far, occasionally. But that's...

It's weird to post this. The posting is really weird. I mean, look, is your girlfriend... Are you technically right in terms of the equivalency? Yeah. Now, if what you're saying at the beginning that you are both straight people is true... Yes, you are. But some of the... You're both hiding secrets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's getting railed. You wish you were getting railed. Yeah, I can't believe that she bugs out on that. That's weird. That's weird. I mean...

maybe it embarrasses her in a way. Maybe it's not the sexual thing. Maybe she's just embarrassed. She's like, this is corny posting. Yeah. Yeah, dude. So anyway, you're right in that regard. But I would say, even if you're right, what is at the root of her...

this way. Something's off here. That's weird behavior to be like, hey, how dare, that makes me uncomfortable that you said he had a great physique. Like, what? You're probably gay and she's probably cheating on you. I think that's probably the most... If I had to bet money, I would say you're gay and she's cheating on you. Yes, Sam, you're absolutely right. I love when we help people. Yep, that's it. Next question. Yeah.

Hi, Stobby. Hi, Elvis. Hello, if there's a guest right now. I'm just calling to get some male perspective advice because I don't really have...

any male friends besides like my friend's husband who like they're going to see things differently because they're husbands and they've been with their wives since we were literal teenagers. Also I'm 25. Okay so I have matched with a 33 year old man on Tinder and he told me I'm the only girl that he's talking to but

Then when I go on his Tinder to like, I only go on Tinder to look at his fucking Tinder. And then I see that he has added a new picture and then I went on again and he rearranged the picture. And then I have my friend's sister-in-law

go on Tinder and set her age range to his age range. Hold on, pause this. I mean, Jesus Christ, lady. This is a no one is right situation. Anyway, that's crazy. And then I actually installed a tracker on it. I actually installed a GPS tracker and he's actually going to a different woman's house sometimes.

And I asked him if he was at work, and he said, yes, I am at work, but he was at the gym. And it's like, that's not, I guess that's a white lie, but, like, maybe he's having sex with a woman in there. Anyway, this, you're out of control, but keep going. Sorry. And then I had my friend's sister-in-law go on Tinder and set her age range to his age range, and it says that he's active now, but he told me I'm the only girl he's talking to.

Am I just being dumb if I believe that? Like, that's absolutely not true, even though he's totally made me feel like I'm special. Totally made me feel like we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. You're not as awesome. Go back. Fuck. Totally made me feel like we're going to be, like, boyfriend and girlfriend. Also, we've only been really, like, dating for, like, a week and a half. A week and a half? Why would you tell me that if that's not true?

Ageism. Well, the good news is he's in his mid-30s and still dating 20-year-olds. He's not matured. I think we can all... We all know that guy. Yeah, we all know him. We all are him. I have a friend who's much older than me.

But that friend who's fucking way older dating the way younger. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's a fucking we know what he's doing. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a slimy move. But this is I mean, clearly he's are you how are you as you're saying this? You're not like I'm fucking dumb. I mean, here's like I was saying before. It's like this is one of those where it's like, look, I feel for her. Right. She's our friend. She called into our show. We're on her side.

So he is clearly, he's, so yes, this is kind of scummy. This is a scummy move on his part to be like, you're the only girl I'm talking to. Which, by the way, a week and a half? Yeah. But we've only been dating a week and a half. What does that mean? You've been on two dates? You've like kissed? Like, you know, I mean, maybe you fuck, maybe you're cool and you fucked immediately, but who cares? You know what I mean? Like you're, this is clearly in the very early stages of something. Yeah.

He's being a weirdo by lying to you about just...

You're the only girl that he's with. You're being out of control with all the checking. You're looking at his pictures on Tinder. She already doesn't trust him. That's the issue also. But she's right to not trust him. I mean, she's right to not trust him. Well, I think what she's doing is obsessing, which is her problem. I think that's your problem, my friend, is that she's getting in there a little too. She's throwing herself. And I wouldn't even say this is an age thing. This is more of like how do you relate in dating.

She would probably behave this way whether the guy's her exact age, younger, older, whatever. If you really liked him, she's going and checking and just looking at his pictures. By the way, it's only been a week and a half and he's changed his Tinder three times. He's fucking updated his pics and rearranged shit. That's insane. I also feel like it's a small town because she's on Tinder. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like if you're in a bigger city, you're going like Hinge or Bumble or something. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea. I actually don't really use the apps that much anymore. I do feel like Hinge is having...

is the main one now. Yeah. But who knows? Who's to say? Who's to say? But anyway, I think she's... Her problem is that she's obsessing here. Yep. Right? Where it's like way too quick to be gazing at this guy's pictures, whatever. Now, age does not have anything to do with if you're a dickhead to women or not, right? In fact, like I said, if you're... I think the percentages might actually get higher the older you go because the people that aren't married are either like...

They're like, I don't, I just want to fuck as much as possible. Or I think it kind of, it becomes extremes where it's like someone who's really looking for a relationship versus someone who's like, I am decidedly not looking for a relationship. Whereas in your 20s, it's more of like a mixed bag, I feel like. So, yeah, I don't know, dude. I just feel like she's...

And also, it's like he's made her feel special. He's made her feel like they're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend. That's his game. I mean, clearly a trick there. And here's the other thing, though. Yes, we have the evidence that he said, oh, yeah, you're the only girl I'm talking to. But it's like, other than that, what has he been doing? And is our friend here...

easy to make feel special is my question. Like, is he doing that much? What the fuck did he really do to make you feel special? I think until you're in an exclusive relationship, which like, are you after a week and a half? Yeah, no. Until you're in an exclusive relationship, he's got the right to be on there. Just don't fucking lie about it. Exactly. Just say, you know, I'm not looking for something yet or something like that. And if he hadn't said that,

She is the one who's off base here. Right, yeah. But now it's almost like a push. Now it's like, well, he's been a dick to you and you've been a little too already clingy, I guess is the word, or just too into this. So, but yeah, I would, I think the thing is,

Yeah, you need to put your guard up a little more is really what I would tell him. Maybe don't respond to him for like, you know, a little bit. Ice him out for just a little bit, you know? Wait to respond back. You'll see where you stand quickly. You'll see how big the roster is. If you ice him out and he's like, all right, whatever, then you're not, you're whatever. But if he actually... Next woman up. Yeah, next woman up. We'll go to the bench. That's all right. Yeah.

We can replace most of you. How available is this guy if he's out with this many women or whatever? Well, we also don't know. Here's the other thing that's even actually maybe even sadder is that like he might be doing all this shit and not getting any other bites. Right. He might just be looking for other girls while he's kind of stringing this girl along and he's just keeping his options open. And again, if he had said nothing about her being the only, like in fact, he might technically be right.

He's not talking to other women because he's a loser, not because he's not trying to. He might not know other women are interested in him, but he never said, I'm not trying to talk. This motherfucker might be pulling a little Gary's dad move here and technically just... Dad, is that you? Yeah.

This is true con man shit where it's like you're not lying, but you're not telling the truth either. And so you got to go back to the week and a half. It's like you're basically asking him to settle down right away. Yeah, a week and a half is crazy. Yeah, this is insane. So I would say is it possible that he's technically not –

Either way, he's trying to talk to other women, it seems like. You also need to settle down a little bit. You need to put your guard up a little bit and stay... You know, it's sad that we have to say that, but that is the truth here. And just kind of like, you know...

Don't get too... You said a week and a half. It's a little quick to be doodling his name in your trapper keeper. So just chill out a little bit. Yes, he is probably... I would just be a little more suspicious. And, you know, just go into it. But still, it seems like you like him. None of this is like, stop seeing this guy. It's just...

you know, feel it out. I won't confront him either. Cause then you're going to sound nutty. Don't confront him and just see how things go. If you feel like you're at the point where you want to be in an exclusive relationship, you can bring that up. And if he gives you some kind of runaround, he is just stringing you along. That's the thing. You also have to keep your guard up. Cause this, this dude might not be an honest guy. Yeah, totally. Totally. Absolutely. I would say just feel it out. Keep your balance. Don't,

you know, don't fall for any tricks because he's clearly been a little dishonest, but also from your perspective, I think you need to pull back on the obsession over one good date. Yeah. You know, do not confront him. That was a good advice. Yeah. Yeah. What the hell? My, my friend's stepsister got on Tinder. Oh,

And you were on there. You've lost all your credibility if you hit him with that. And the private investigator had tailed me and also gave me a very troubling report. Who's this? She's got long lens photos of him like hugging his cousin at a farmer's market. Who the fuck is this? All right. Next question, Big Eldo.

Davi, love you, buddy. How's this? Good job, but I only like you as a friend. Yes? Wow, you hear that? What's up, man? Can't wait to hear what you have to say. All right, so I got relationship problems with my parents, and I talk to my mom every day, and she's sweet as I'll be, and we get together for dinners once every two weeks or so when we can. She's super, super involved.

And she's not married to my father anymore, but my father's like the complete opposite. Like, I won't hear from him for three months at a time, and we live in the same town, and, you know, I have to beg him three weeks in advance to do something for his birthday. And, like, recently I tried to get him on Snapchat so I could send him little snippets of my life and say, hey, here's what I'm doing. And the first thing he says is, don't blow me up or else I'm...

Getting off the app. Holy fuck, your dad got your ass so good. That's fucking crazy. An app he only downloaded because you told him about it. He's like, hey man, I figured out you can get pussy off this app. So stop fucking my notifications up. I let him do his thing. You know, I'm happy I have a full life. But recently he's been in the hospital a lot in the last...

Uh, four months. And there's been a couple of times I've talked to my sisters and said, like, we're, we're looking at a potential death of this man. And like, I know it will be sad, but it was just weird for me to imagine him dying and me being like not affected at all because I don't hear from him all the time. I, my day to day life would not change at all. Um, and now he's always been super loving financially. Um, and so I just wonder in,

Should I try to continue to forge a relationship with a man who's pretty resistant socially to that? Or should I just let it be and, you know, if a stranger, someone who's a stranger dies, then they're done. So, can't wait to hear it. Gary, you want to take this one?

This one hits home. He sounds like a great son. Yeah. The financial thing. The financial thing is what threw me off because everything before that I was like, fuck this guy. Does he maybe have like another family? That seems like what it is. That's interesting. And he just wants to live that life. That's what I would kind of say. Then he just wants to throw away this kid who's just too loving. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, until the financial thing, for me, I was just like, well, fuck this guy. Who cares? But if this guy... It sounds like, yeah, either a second family where it's like, look, I have an obligation, so I'll pay for shit for you. But it's like...

Look, if this guy is just a distant, rich father. Like, I think the financial thing is what's even tripping our friend up here. Because I feel like he feels a little guilty because his dad has provided for him in certain ways. And the ways that our caller thinks you should connect with someone or thank someone for that, his dad is completely resistant to. So I think this guy just, our caller has no idea how to really connect with

And, you know, you want to connect in these ways. And it's clear he's not interested in that. You know what I mean? So it's like... But you also don't have to go from, he's my best friend that I see every day and I Snapchat him every fucking half hour to, well, he's a stranger who's dead in a ditch. I don't give a fuck. Like, that's the thing. There's some middle ground here where it's like, no, man.

You would be sad. It's your dad. We get that. The Snapchat threw me because I'm like, this guy's already socially inept when it comes to having a relationship with his son. Now you're making him download an app for like 20-year-olds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're too old for Snapchat. No, dude. So I don't know. I think that's what it is. Look, if your dad is somewhat in your life and he's not interested in these connections, that's it. I say make a podcast about it. Yeah.

Yeah, dude. But if he's ever looking for something, make yourself open to it. He clearly doesn't have... He's not the same guy as your mom, bro. Clearly. Well, he could have these conversations with his mom, but can you maybe... I mean, for the last person, we said not to confront this, but this is maybe something where he'd be like, I'd love to sit with you if this guy could even have lunch now. It seems like he's eating out of a straw. Yeah.

But if he can't, you know, if his father could nod or whatever, whatever he could do right now, if he could tap in Morse code, you can have that last conversation with him, you know, just have it and just say, you know, I would love to be a part of your life. Maybe go, you know, confront it straight on. And like, yeah, instead of just being like, all right, he dies. And then we never, I never got to say my feelings. Like, let him, let him say his feelings. Like, cause it sounds like he has to get some things off his chest. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I agree with that. Dad, you change your Snapchat photo. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, what happened to our Snapstreak? You download it for me. Yeah, this is, this is, dad stuff's tricky, especially when the, when the health starts to go. I mean, it's very tricky, man. I don't know. Yeah, I would maybe do your best to just be loving at this point because I don't know. And also, but here's the other thing.

temper your expectations. This is not a guy that you're going to have this like heart to heart. It changes everything. Like I'm in a position now where I'm trying to reconnect my relationship with my father, right? It's never, he's never going to be, and me and Elds have talked about this too. I know you've had a similar experience where you're just like,

You know what? We're never going to have the traditional father-son fucking play catch, whatever. You still want to play catch with your dad? I want to play catch, dude. I want to play catch with my dad. Come on, dad. I have a bad shoulder. We've both had shoulder... We've both torn ligaments in our arms. Uh...

uh for just like the most pathetic two grown men with the worst form you ever see in your life um like you know that's never gonna happen but can you find some other thing you'll relate to him in a different way and you know i'm struggling with it personally but i'm making the effort i know i think elders you've talked about it before where it's like you know i think i think it's like gary just said like once when your parent is dying like now's the time to just say whatever you want to say to them um

A, but also, yeah, like you do have to temper your expectations and like, you know, your dad's old as fuck. He's starting to die. Like he's not going to change a lot. He'll probably just like grow more and more distant. So it's like, yeah, you know,

It's like come to terms with that and, you know, decide if like that makes you feel bad. And if you want to cut him out of your life or just like manage your expectations so that he's basically like a funny old guy friend that you have in your life. Right. You don't expect much from. Yeah. It's like kind of cute when he eats applesauce and watches TV with you like that.

So I think like, you know, there's still something to that. Absolutely. Just like just like being there for your parent. And I don't know. It's all it's all like complicated. I kind of went through this with like my dad and it's like, yeah.

There's no there is no like, you know, perfect or ideal like parent relationship or something. And you just got to work with what you got. Exactly. If you care enough to. That's a great point. It's like, yes, would you like to you'd like to cook a it's Christmas and you'd like to cook a nice roast, you know, a nice ribeye roast with some potatoes. But you open up the cupboards. All you have is cheese whiz.

a fucking stale tortilla and some ham. And you're like, all right, well, I'm going to fucking microwave this shitty tortilla. Ham and cheese do kind of go together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to wrap up the whiz. You know, I'm going to scrape the mold layer on top off, get the underneath that's still good, and I'll make a little wrap. You know what I mean? You didn't get a fucking steak dinner, Dad. You got a fucking shitty...

Cheese whiz, ham and cheese dad, and that's fine. I think the way the rom-com has kind of set up these unrealistic expectations for women, movies have done that too with guys and their dad. I'm really jealous of that. I'm instantly jealous of that take. Fuck. Star Wars? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They fucking made it work. Oh, Star Wars. Darth Vader's chopping Luke's head off. Are you kidding me?

You're expecting this powerful moment of just like, you know, I love you, son. I love you, dad. That's not life. No, it's really not, bro. They might say I love you, but it's not going to be clean, man. Yeah. I think you just got to lower, you're right, lower your expectations and hope for the best. And hopefully, you know, sometimes before people die, they do have like this moment. But even that's fucking corn. It's like. Yeah.

Oh, now. Now you're coming around. Oh, you have to be a good dad for 45 more seconds. And that's what you're going to fucking do. Rosebud. Anyway, yeah. So good luck, buddy. But yeah, I think definitely it lies somewhere between he's your best friend and he's a stranger. That's what I would say.

What else we got, little LD? I'm going to do our first ever two-parter call. Okay. That takes up two voicemails. Okay. You're on thin ice. I hope this pays off. This could be dicey. That means we're guaranteed at least four minutes of a call. Is that correct? That's right. Three minutes? That's part one. Wow. So, Eldest, let's give him... Listen, give him the rope to hang himself with. It's like the fucking Lord of the Rings of calls. Let's do this. All right. It's better be good. All right.

Nice. Nice, nice. Whoa.

Damn, dude.

Come to find out a couple months later, she's pregnant. Oh, pause it. Dude, the full bust inside a stranger? No. That's like a girl I've been dating who's like showed me her birth control. I'm nervous to bust inside. You bust inside some lady on, you're fresh off the barracks, dude? You couldn't have thrown it on her back, brother? Jesus Christ. That's insane to treat yourself to a full cream pie with a stranger. Yeah.

Was it your birthday? All right. I mean, I just don't... I met a guy. I had a friend. I had a... Yeah, this friend of mine. So, like, it's a crazy situation. He was supposed... Listen to this. He was supposed to sublet a room for one month. That month was March 2020. So instead of subletting for one month, I just lived with a pretty much stranger during the pandemic for two years. But anyway, got to know him. He's a good guy. He would just...

Not inside every woman he fucked! And I was like, what are you talking about? Like, it drove me crazy, dude. He was like, yeah, I just did... I was like...

What? Those are my favorite ones. The ones that just say it casually. Yeah. The ones where they're like, oh yeah, I come in everything. I'm like, you're not supposed to do that. You never learn that? What do you mean you come inside every woman you fuck? That's insane, dude. Do you not realize? Anyway, that's, I can't, but people like that exist. So anyway, go ahead. Let's get to the rest of the news. She didn't want to go through the process to get

find out who the father was because she fucked around with like five dudes in the barracks. And, uh, morale. And getting our, you know, parental parental tests done. So years went by and I kind of, uh,

Always kept up with her just in case, you know, it was my kid. That's crazy. This is insane. I, you know, through just stalking her Facebook over the past couple months, found out she's dying of lung cancer. Oh. What? Here's the issue. Holy shit. She's dying of lung cancer. And from what I can see, this kid really doesn't have anybody.

Oh my god. And I'm fairly certain it's mine. What? Because there's one distinct future that kid has. I was the only white guy she fought. Anyway, sorry. Distinct future the kid has. When I was a child, I had flaming red hair. So does this kid. This is like science from the 1400s. Flaming just like mine as a kid. And...

Well, when I look at the moon, my eyes glimmer in the same way his eyes glimmer. Anyway, sorry. Oh, shit, Stavi, you were right. Keep going. I mean, just like mine as a kid, and I looked up the four other dudes from the Army. One of them is black, two of them are Latino, and the other white guy has black hair.

So my question is, do I message this girl? Do I get involved? I'm in a very good spot right now. I'm a veterinarian technician. I've been doing this for years. I'm in a good spot right now. I've been stalking one woman I nutted inside for the last 11 years. I haven't really tried to work on a relationship with anybody else. Anyway, this is insane. Keep going.

But I'm also getting married in September. What? My fiance knows nothing about this. What? I feel like dropping all of this on her would be fucking huge. Do it at the wedding, dude. Do I message her? Do I get involved? Do I just...

Oh, my God. Okay, Elvis, I got to give you credit where credit's due. Yeah, this one's good. You pulled a banger of a two. Well, let's see how the next minute goes. I also love the idea of doing it at the wedding. It's like, hey, you know how you said in sickness and in health, no matter what, guess what, honey? You just fucking, some fucking redheaded bastard pops out of a cake. He's the ring bearer. Da-da-da-da-da.

Who the fuck is that? Sorry. All right. Damn. This is 17 years ago. I don't know. I don't know. Let's see.

Hey, stop. I was just the guy who called. I got cut off. You know, this chick's dying a long time ago. The episode recap. Previously on this voicemail. Sure, it's mine. My fiance knows nothing about this. We've talked. We never want kids. Oh, my God. You know, we have dogs and cats. What do I do? Do I get involved? Do I just let the situation go? I mean, this was...

What? I mean, you've nutted inside her. I think it's time to send a friend request. Ha ha ha!

Holy fuck. Holy fuck. This is insane that you called me. This is crazy. Yeah, I mean, talk to a therapist, too, please, for fuck's sake.

This is incredible. I mean, this is crazy. You gotta fucking do something. You gotta reach. I would reach out to the mother. She hasn't reached out to him though. I know. I know, but he is the father. I don't know. You don't know that. Now you're, yeah, now you're engaging in like. She begged five guys that he says. That he knows of. Yeah, exactly. Who's to say there wasn't a fucking traveling Irish step dance team coming through town, coming through Fort Collins. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun,

I mean, she really did a United Nations thing with her badge. I mean, that's pretty crazy. He has limited information, too. She could have a guy. Like, she could have remarried in that time, too, and that guy could have a stepfather. But the timing lines up. I guess the timing lines up. But she's not trying to find him. That is true. And he hasn't brought this up until now? It's not like this lady reached out to him and was like,

you know, I think you're this kid's dad or even this kid reached out to him. He only knows about it because he's looking at it. It is hilarious if he's not the dad and he's just like, I'm just the guy who came in your mom 17 years ago. He takes a DNA test. This kid gets his hopes up in the middle of like the most traumatic thing ever. He's like, oh,

Not me. Well, I have to go get married. Or he tells his wife and it's like. And it ruins everything. That's the other thing. Him and his fiance have planned a life where they don't want. Imagine you're this guy's fiance. Yeah. And the fucking two months before your wedding, this guy who, by the way, hasn't told you anything about this. Yeah. And is having like a sense of. And you're right. We don't know what's going on. And he's personally reaching out. Nobody else reached out.

But he would be like, I eaten him up inside. You don't get a four minute voicemail without this guy. I say just forget it because it's like if she's not reaching out. What if it's your kid though?

Yeah, but why? It's 18 years later. It's like he hasn't been a part. Nobody's reached out to him. He hasn't even tried to reach out. It's also a little different that it is 18 and not like a four-year-old. Like when it was 18, not that it's good either way, right? But it's like this motherfucker's about to go to college. Like does he want some guy in his life? And then it's like, I mean, unless what you're doing is...

I don't know, giving him a couple, giving him some money for college, like maybe something like that. But if these people haven't reached out to you at all, you also don't know what his support system is, right? Yeah. Like, yeah, his mom's unfortunately dying and that is tragic. But does she have siblings, other family? Does she have a stepdad? Does he have people that he's close to? I'm not saying this is good, but also this idea that this guy is uninvited to

going to barge into these people's lives during an incredibly difficult, traumatic time where it's like... I'm with you. Does she want... And who knows? Maybe this woman's fucking gotten religious. Do you think she wants to know about the... She wants to be reminded of the time she was just fucking letting it loose on the barracks? Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm... I don't know. It's just...

It's weird for him to have kept tabs but not reached out. He says it's 18 years ago, so it's like, you've sort of watched this kid. His behavior is strange. It's so funny that I'm now realizing I'm reading into this the way I wish my biological father behaved. I'm like, you should have reached out. You should say something. Maybe apologize. Right, right. Right, true, true. Yeah, no, it's...

But your situation is different. It's different. And I also think this... Yeah, I hope it's different. I hope my mom didn't fuck a whole bear. Jesus Christ. She's not... My mom thinks it was a black guy. She was manic. Like, stop it, mom! For the love of God! So I do think, though, why not just take a paternity test? Reach out and say, I don't know. I would like to know if I am the father. I, you know...

I don't know. I get it. I mean, no, no, you're not wrong. The thing is, there is no right or wrong. I think he's doing this because he does want to, though. I think that's why he's leaving this movie. There is a little bit of that, too. That is what I am picking up on, is that he does want to have some kind of relationship with this kid. And look, this conversation has sort of come up multiple times where it's like, and we also kind of talked about it, the nature versus nurture thing. It's like, is this his kid? Yeah.

I don't think it really is. You know what I mean? Like, in terms of he wasn't there for this kid, and, like, now it took, like, a tragedy for him to, like... Like, if this woman doesn't get cancer, right? Yeah, does he... Does he ever give a fuck? You know what I mean? That's fair. And so... And, again, I'm not saying that these are bad, but I also would just say, like, it's a crazy thing to drop this on...

He's really potentially fucking up a lot of people's lives because of his guilt. He's potentially fucking up his fiance's life, who... She is well within her rights to be like, what the fuck? We specifically said we don't want kids, and now I have to have a relationship with this person, this guy, this kid who maybe she doesn't feel positive about, but she doesn't feel negative about, but she doesn't feel necessarily positive about. And then it's like, yeah, I just don't know. I guess we don't have enough information, right? Because...

If it's a situation where this kid is about to get evicted and whatever, and he just feels some kind of need to just help him float, that's one thing. But I don't know. He's kind of barging in on this. It's an interesting... It's hard, man. It's tough because it clearly is, like, you know, something that he does, like, feel guilty about and has thought about for years. And, like, you know, just low-key, like, cyber-stock kept tabs on this woman. Yeah.

I think, like, that alone is why I would say, like, you know, maybe he should just reach out because he, like, you know, yeah, maybe do a paternity test. Like, clearly he wants to know and, like, he wants to, like, know conclusively, like, what's going on and stuff. But at the same time, yeah, it's like, you know, you're making a cancer diagnosis. Someone else's cancer diagnosis is about you. That's true. If you're, like, you know, just bringing this up and opening this whole can of worms while they're just trying to, like...

Who knows what the health situation is. And yeah, the fact that no one's reached out to him, it's like, you don't know the support system. Maybe they're,

Maybe they're fine and they're just focusing on the health stuff. And focusing on the last few months of this woman's life. You think she necessarily wants to spend it embroiled in a paternity case? This is something she's wanted to avoid her whole life. Now she wants to spend the last three months of her life. And clearly she doesn't care who the father is. Or she would have reached out. The son might care. I mean, you're getting to that age where you do want to know where you came from. And listen, if that's the case...

Then maybe the thing here is like, unless someone reaches out to you in this way,

Terminal you should message the woman though. Maybe like you just messages the dying dying woman be like if you're dying Yeah, and somebody from your past that you have on purpose kept out of your life Yeah reaches out to you Is that how is that who you want to spend the rest of your like is that who you want to? That's gonna take a lot of her energy I almost yeah for her sake feel like I guess what I guess talking it through with you guys what it feels like is if someone reaches out to him and

obviously you have carte blanche to do whatever, right? But if you really care about the, if you do care about the kid, whatever, then maybe the time is after, you know, I hate to be morbid about it, but it's like after the woman's passed, after they've dealt with their own stuff as a family. Because it is, you're right, Elders, when you're saying it, like making somebody else's diagnosis about you, that's what he's doing. And I would say, I don't know. I just know from putting myself in

this woman's shoes if a girl from my past I mean it's hard to you know obviously you can't have a kid with I can't have fucked five women and then like I have a child but whatever but if like a girl from my past that I didn't want anything to do with reaches out to me over something similar to this it's like hey I'm trying to be with my family like I don't want to spend the time at lawyers offices and drawing up shit like that and if I did want that

I would be the one I feel like at that point you decide how you want to spend your time right and if it's something where this woman it's eating her up and she's like fuck I really want to just make sure my son is provided for I'll go through this thing I wanted to avoid for his sake but that's not what she's doing so I don't know it just feels like a little bit like right now you should stay out of it unless somebody you know reaches out to you and then

If the kid ever reached out to you or if you want to later on do that. But you also don't know how this kid would react. We clearly, because we talked about this on a different episode. There is a split philosophy here of like,

how much being a biological parent means to someone. Me and Ian, me and Ian finds that a big argument and half the people are like Stavs, which by the way is kind of my fault to wade into waters where Ian was my intellectual equal. That's on me. But it's a thing that's very emotional, right? Where it's like some people think, like it was, the question was about like a sperm donor, right? And a sperm donor who had, you know, he hadn't,

The mistake they had made was they hadn't made a very clear-cut decision on how much the donor was going to be a part of the life. He's friends with the people he... So he's around them, and now that the kid's growing up, he feels some type of way of like, well, this is my kid. I should have extra whatever. Whereas they were lesbians. They're like, no, it's our kid. That's part of the whole thing, right? And my view was always like,

well, yeah, you're a donor. That's not your kid. That's their kid. And I guess this is different, right? But there's a lot of people feel very strongly that just the biology gives you a really strong claim on someone, right? And we don't know how this kid feels on that philosophical issue because this kid might be like, who the fuck are you coming... There's just too many variables here. I guess what I'm trying to get at is

The kid might be the kind of person who thinks, I really want to know who my biological father is and I want a relationship with him. That's a coin flip. The kid might be a kid who's resentful of this guy and says, get the fuck out of my face. I want nothing to do with you. So it just feels like between the last few years of this woman's life thing and the being uncertain as to how...

Wanted he even is in this situation from the mom or the kid and we haven't even gotten into how might fuck his life up with his fiance and how like kind of selfish it is to You know promise her this wedding and this whole life without kids and then be like I feel bad

So I don't know. To me, it's something you've got to stay out of for now. Yeah, there's not a good time to tell her any insight. You don't want to do it leading up to the wedding. You sure as fuck don't want to break it down in the honeymoon. Right, right. You're in Cabo, honey. It's cunning. I think, honestly, he should just crack this open. He should reach out to the woman through Facebook. That's what my gut says. Start with that because he just knows too much to ignore it and be like...

It's tough. On the one hand, he's not this kid's father because he hasn't been part of their life. He shouldn't do it out of some sense of obligation. I have to take care of... This kid is 18. They're an adult now. They've got their shit figured out, but he just knows too much, man. It sounds like there's a good chance the kid might be his...

One in six. He knows the mom's dying or whatever. And like, you know, they're just, there just is like no good time to say it, but it will like eat at him if he doesn't,

I think as a kid you do want to know at a certain point. Even if it's for bad and you can make that decision that you don't want him to be a part of your life, but I think you want the option. I also think from his fiancé's perspective, it's crazy he thinks about this this much and hasn't told her. That's insane. That's almost like... I think that's what's going to get him and that's going to get him into a lot of trouble. That's the thing where it's like... That's going to be bad. The guy who's also lied to his wife? Yeah. I know. 100%.

*laughter*

Buddy, don't do it. No, that's, I mean, I see where you're, sorry to cut you off, do you have more, Gary? No, I was just going to say that I also have a redhead, so I'm like, this guy might be the father. Well, did this guy fuck your wife, Gary? Yeah, dude, I mean, I see, I definitely, I get what you're both saying, and you obviously having the perspective of not growing up with your biological father, Sam, is, you know, interesting for sure.

I think the crazy thing is like, there's just a lot of the not tell. I almost feel like the person he definitely sort of has to tell is his soon to be wife. You got to. Because it's like. God, this is not going to end well. It's not going to be taken well, I don't think. Yeah, I mean, I don't think so either. But the one thing he is going for him at least is that it's.

If he's completely honest the way he was with us and it happened long before they met. Happened so, but so, yeah. And he could say, I'm not sure about this, but this is eating at me. I think if you make it, if you present it in that context. 17, 18 years ago, I had sex with this woman. Yeah, it was awesome, by the way. It was awesome. She made me wear a condom or nothing. I just blew a fat load right inside her. Let's talk about the load a lot. Yeah. In great detail. Yeah.

I think, yeah, I mean, just let it, I guess tell her. We're literally split down the middle of these two say reach out and we're like, I don't know.

So, you know what? You're the tiebreaker. So we didn't really help. We didn't help at all. But we batted around quite a bit. I do think there is something a little dishonest to getting into a marriage. Like, it'd be one thing if this wasn't something he gave a fuck about, right? Like, if this was something that he found out by accident. But this guy keeps tabs and it's like...

I don't know, man. You kind of have to tell someone you're about to marry this thing, this huge thing that's kind of lurking in your life. This guy's just been kind of in no man's land with this issue. That's the weirdest, most fucked up thing is that forget it. I would totally, I would know where he's coming from if it was like, look, this lady didn't want me in the kid's life and I'm just never going to think about this again. I would respect that. Or I would respect, you know what? You didn't want to get paternity tested, but

This might be my kid. I have to know. I would respect that. What he's done, I actually really don't respect. I hate to say it because I know he's in a tough thing, but it's like, if you're out, why are you keeping tabs like this? And now that you know this thing, it's just, he's kind of handled it the worst way, to be honest. Yeah, it's tough. He can't live on this situation on borrowed time anymore because I feel like he just needs to really do the scary thing and...

Tell his fiance. I think it starts with your fiance. It starts with the fiance and it ends with one more load in the dying one. She's like, hey. She's dying. I went to the road. The chemo's fried her pussy up. I'm not supposed to nut inside? Oh my God. Watch your son be a fan of Stabby's. Oh no. Oh no.

Oh, fuck. I didn't even think about that. Please, God. I've done this show a few times. This is the most interesting one we've gotten while I've been here. Without question. Holy fuck. It's way above our pay grade. You pulled a fucking diamond out of here. Yeah. Well done. Thanks.

There you go, brother. All right. Well, hey, man, we didn't really help you, but it sounds like we at least can all agree with you have to tell your fiance. Yeah. And here's the thing. She's also supposed, you know, kind of gauge how she reacts, to be honest with you. Yeah. Because that's another important domino. This really was a crazily layered question. The amount of different angles is insane.

If you were in this situation, like from the jump, would you guys want to know if it's your kid? How do you think you would even respond? From the jump as in when it happened? Yeah. I mean, yeah, because then you probably should do something about it, right? Say he's 18 at the time. You're thinking a little different. No, I'm saying...

Yeah, if I was 18, there's no... I just wouldn't have kept tabs. I would have just been like... I would have Don Draper'd it. It's my past, brother. I'm a different guy. Truly, I just know I would have, which, you know, maybe I'm a bad guy, but that is how I would... If this lady didn't want me, it's like, well, thank you for the get-out-of-jail-free card, and then I'm just living my life, but... I'm Stobby, baby. Dick Whitman? Yeah, it's tough, man. If this is actually you right now...

It's tough. But good thing it's not me. All right, well, you got something fun to end on? Hey, Stavi, what's up? My name is Brandon. I am a solo Baltimorean. My man. Hamden, Roland Avenue, Falls River. Great streets, man. Anyway, I know people call in a lot for advice, dating, and, you know, life.

Oh wow, dude. Poetry from a piece of Baltimore trash.

But if I did switch sides to do the gay man strut, I think it's pretty clear I'd put Feta in your butt. Boy, do I love shooters. They really are the best. But if you had the number two, you could do it on my chest. Naked women, roll. I have pictures on my wall.

Wow, man. That was beautiful, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, there's some other shit going on in my life too, but it's boring. Here's this gay poem I wrote you.

Wow, man, that's beautiful. I like that we're all trying to mind the perfect jokes for these hour specials, and then we hear this, and it just kills us. Yeah, it's fucking good. Now, that's good stuff. Thank you, brother. That's a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful poem, and I think that's going to do it for us, folks. Great episode, some thought-provoking stuff here.

Watch both specials. Listen to the podcast. July 9th, Amazon. Who gives a shit? Yeah, there it is. And I'm on the road, Miami, Improv, Atlantic City with Chris DiStefano, and this guy's going to be with me for both of those. Love it, love it. And Rochester, New York, Carmen Dea at the Carlson. So...

Dipping back in right in a new hour, so. Love it. And Big Gary, let's not forget, what's the podcast called? Podcast called Number One Dad. Number One Dad. Listen to it. Coming out June 10th. Coming out June 10th, and the special's out on the tube. YouTube, May 28th. 28th, so. You killed it. I'm proud of you. The special's already out, guys. The special's out. It's already gotten five million views. It's actually the most viral YouTube special. Damn it.

Listen, go, but I can't wait for the podcast. And guys, thanks so much for coming by. And of course, we have Winnie here. Winnie has not moved. I know. I love it. I was like, is she going to bark? I'm like, no. What a dog. What a fucking dog. All right, guys. Thank you so much. We'll see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.