#71 - Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent
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Welcome everybody to Stave's World. 904-800-STOVE. Call in. We'll solve your problems. We got a stacked couch. Many people, when we did the Are You Garbage episode, were saying, boy, oh boy, how's that couch going to survive? And this feels, I'm a little worried about, you know when you got a jar and you kind of, the first guys didn't crack it, but then the next time you try, it just pops open.

So easily. I am a little worried about that because we have probably the most meat we've ever had on this Ikea loveseat right now. You're not getting the deposit back on this couch. The winner's center is going to ban you. We got a lot of gentlemen in the fucking room right now. Oh, yeah. First of all, just named beautifully, the Chubby Behemoth Podcast. That's right. Really proving it on this couch right now. Bro, this is an accord. Yeah. This is a summit of the wads.

It really is. It's Fat Rascal meets Times Chubby Behemoth. It's the crossover. The collab, baby. We got Sam Talent. We got Nathan Lund in the mix.

Thanks for coming, boys. Thanks for the drop, Eldest. I appreciate that. Dude, we pulled up fresh from the airport, just wet. I saw Eldest come out, and I was like, well, I know that's Eldest, but I want to bother him right now. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm a wet stranger with a backpack and a neck pillow. Oh, right off the jet. Oh, yeah. Right off the jet. Off the PJ. Off the PJ, yeah, yeah. No, we have to fly agricultural stamps. You're flying bovine air. Yeah.

But yeah, we ran into him over at the grocery store. He was like, hey. I was like, I know who you are, buddy. I was going to give you 40 minutes to be a human being. No, no, we don't get that around here. No, I'm glad you guys did. We broke bread. We ate some... See, this is actually perfect because I bought... I was going to have some friends over to...

We were going to grill up some thighs. And then it's been raining all fucking week, but I already purchased a large quantity of chicken thighs. Of course. So I was like, I don't want this to go to waste. We're leaving. I'm going back to Baltimore tomorrow. So I just threw six chicken thighs in the air fryer, hit the shower, thinking, all right, well, I'll come back. Maybe when the boys come over, I'll offer them a thigh pre-pod. Come out in my underwear.

I see you three gentlemen just sitting on the couch. I was like, all right, perfect. We get to fucking have a true, a real dinner here. It was nice. It was, it felt like I'll just had gone out, made a couple friends. Yeah. Brought back some drifters. Yeah, brought back some drifters. Also, you and your undies out of the shower, like looking in a mirror, my man. There, yes, yes, it is. I,

I don't got the wingspan though. You know, I'm more, I'm the compact version. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so thick and wide. I love it. He doesn't end. We got to watch Eldest eat four to six eggs. He was eating four eggs.

Eldest has a new diet and spiritual journey every three weeks. Currently, he's on hard-boiled eggs and meditation. Is that correct, Eldest? Yeah, I've been doing a little meditating. When did this meditation start? We never actually... This is good. We never actually got into this. Basically, just like, I don't know, a week or two ago. I haven't been keeping up with it for days. It's been a busy few days here. Of course. And that's when you should ignore it the most, people say. Busy days is when you shouldn't meditate at all. Yeah.

But I don't know. I've been doing it. It's pretty cool. Are you been going? Have you been crossing your legs and like doing this kind of shit? No, I've been sitting on the floor. I have been lighting like rosemary out of my fridge, just getting the living room right. But.

But like, you know, raw, fresh rosemary burning that shit. Wow, dude. It did smell like an Albanian rite of passage in here. Someone became a woman. That was the cumin from the chicken thighs. That's what you were smelling. Yeah. Interesting. All right. I love that. I've been trying it out. Hey, man, no judge. You know, it's just funny that you cycle through some stuff.

But I'm interested in meditation a little bit. I've been doing sort of a similar thing where I watch, I got a sauna, an infrared sauna in Baltimore, and I watch an episode of Bosch Legacy every night in the sauna on an iPad. You got to get your mind right. And to me, that's meditation. Because that comes in, that comes out. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Bosch.

I know Chris Bosch. No, you guys got to get in there. Our buddy Zach Peterson said it's his favorite show. Dude, Zach Peterson has good... Don't know the guy? I trust him. Anyone who says that's his favorite show... He was acquitted. The girl was lying. Any

Any man who likes Bosh, I take his side no matter what. Yeah. No matter what that bitch at the bowling alley said. So legacy is a spin-off. So, yeah, yeah. Bosh legacy. Now, you see, let me just give you a little Hieronymus Bosh. His name is Hieronymus, Harry for short. Harry Bosh? Harry Bosh. Harry Bosh.

He is a decorated LAPD detective in the homicide department. Yeah. The thing is, man, sometimes for Bosch, all he cares about is the truth and justice, and sometimes the LAPD's laws get in the way of that. Oh.

So who... Bosch is not going to let some pencil pushers stop him from getting justice from victims. Yeah, yeah. And that sometimes causes problems with the brass, right? So after six seasons... The pesky brass. By the way, the first episode of Bosch starts with Bosch killing a man during an arrest. He's had multiple kills on...

In the line of duty. But he's been right every time. And by the way, he's not racist. I know you guys are thinking, he loves jazz. He loves old-fashioned jazz with a racist guy like

you know, felonious monk and that type of shit. Yo, Harry Bosch says it for sure. Exactly. He's not like Bosch. How dare you? He was an orphan. His mother was a sex worker who was murdered and thus that began his desire to get justice for those that society has forgotten. No matter what the fucking, the mayor and the DA in their fucking fancy suits might want. No bureaucracy is going to stop the whore Avenger Bosch. No, no, certainly not. Yeah.

And so, Nathan, to your point, after six seasons of solving murders in his, you know, take no guff style, Bosh decided the LAPD was a little too much for him. He went private. He's a private detective now. Oh, okay. And now he's working on his own. But his daughter, who's...

Spoiler alert, I'm sorry. Actually, I'll just bleep that out. I don't want to ruin anyone's Bosch experience. You're catching up on Bosch like I am. Is your ordering the VHS tapes of Bosch? It's on Amazon for free. And we don't usually do plugs not paid for on this podcast, but when it comes to Harry Bosch, I got... So anyway, I've been watching an episode of that.

Yeah. Every night. And that's what's beautiful about it. It's like, you don't have to think when you watch Bosch. It is the closest I get to... I'm not... I was... People might think I'm joking. That literally feels like meditation to me. Sure, yeah. It's watching, like, divorced Republican dad media that just goes in and out of my fucking brain. You're right. Like, while I'm also getting a nice sweat going.

That's me watching the Harlem Globetrotters. That's good stuff. I just sit there and I attain peace. That's beautiful. We had a good sauna not too long ago. Where were we? Madison? Madison. How many club on state sauna? He shit on it. He was like, oh yeah, I'm going to sweat a bunch and it's going to feel good. And I was like, we're

We're going to hang out in here. It's going to be great. Yeah. Next thing you know, he's singing it from the rooftops. Now a big sauna guy. Anybody heard about it? Yeah, it's like he fucking discovered saunas. My thing. Same with not drinking. I haven't drank for almost eight years. He was like, what? We used to have fun. We used to party. Copying you. And then he doesn't drink for a couple months, and he's like, man, this is cool. And I'm like, no shit. They've been telling you. You've been calling me a pussy for not drinking. Oh, yeah.

Why don't you black out and, you know, hit somebody? It's like, no, it's better this way. Yeah, this is awesome. Now he acts like, yeah, he's telling me. So this guy's swagger jacking your whole shit. Oh, yeah. Were you pissed when he also got fat? Did that happen to you? No, we were both fat. You were both fat from the jump. We weren't friends right away. That was initially what we met in the middle of. Our bellies. Yeah, we did. Yeah, we didn't start hanging out right away because I think we were very similar. Of course. And so we kind of stayed away. There can only be one successful fat open mic-er in a scene, right?

I'm not even kidding. And that wasn't us, dude. That was Jordan Zuckerman. Yeah, we were in his shadows. Dude, imagine your stature, but trying to look like Fred Durst. That's awesome. That was Zuckerman. And his arms, I don't think he could wipe. Big respect.

Wow. He would be like right here. The T-Rex situation? Yeah. Let's pull him up. Oh, I don't know. You're not going to find him. He's scrubbed, man. He got out. Oh, good for him. He was like Bosch. He got out. Good for him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's doing his own thing. Well, you know, that's kind of a misnomer. Bosch can't really help himself. Even though he's technically out, he's still seeking justice. He's addicted to truth. Yeah, yeah. He really is. Yeah, and justice. Do you think Jordan quitting had anything to do with... Come on. Don't say it. With what?

Nothing. Allegedly, I might have banged his wife. You fucked this guy's wife? They were on a break. They weren't married yet. They weren't married yet. And they were not together. And it was her birthday. So what am I supposed to do? And she had a type. So you...

You come up with a size eight and a half lids red Yankees hat. What's up, baby girl? And those earrings that were like curly cues that dangled to spikes. Yeah. Holy fuck, that is incredible. Another fat open micers girlfriend fucked you on a break.

Holy shit, this bitch is hilarious. He loves when I bring it up, too. He loves it. He loves it. That was T. Goss. That was the T. That's good Goss, brother. That's great. Who are you kidding? You have to embrace how good a Goss it is, first of all. Maybe I'm good luck Chuck because they got married after that. Maybe. Is that good luck Chuck? I think so. Did anything notable happen during...

Oh, yeah. Uh-oh, sounds like maybe it did. We smoked a bunch of weed. She put some towels down. They laid down the tarp. They got the boat cover off.

God damn it. That's awesome. Welcome to New York podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for having me. Thanks for getting me on here. Explain your soul wide open. So you fucked this other fat guy, this other fat guy's girlfriend, and she was on her period, it sounds like? No. What was Splish Splash? She was taking a bath. Oh, a squirter or a pisser? Because this guy does the damage. What's both, right? Yeah.

He does a good job. This was a long time ago. How big is your dick? No, no, no. It sucks. I didn't say it was good. I said is it big or not. It's not big. Okay. There's nothing good about it. It's the most mediocre, nothing of a dick. Clipped, unclipped? Clipped. Hmm.

First strike of the podcast. We were really vibing. Sam? Also clipped? Yeah, of course. Don't say of course. What? This propaganda, these clipped guys. Well, sorry your family didn't have a fucking chicken to offer the doctor to get you. Yeah.

No, he would spit it in their face. Any doctor in Greece that circumcises a baby, he's put to death, actually. Yeah. He's put to death for collusion with the Hebrew overlords. That's what it says. That's the one thing Albanians and Greeks...

share. Well, what do you call a... It's an anti-Semitic distrust of the circumcised. Rightfully so. It doesn't make sense. One of our first episodes of Chubby Behemoth, we talked about how it's just such a weird thing once you... Yeah.

Like he said, he acts like it's normal because that's all we knew or whatever. But then you meet a bunch of people who didn't do it. Most of the world isn't clipped. No, it doesn't make sense. And it didn't even start in America until relatively recently. My wife won't do them. She's a doctor. Good for her. Yeah, it's elective surgery and she prefers not to do them. Your wife's a doctor? That's right. Wow, that's awesome. It all worked out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in the research I've done, she also has huge tits. Wow, wow, wow. Yeah.

Sam, it says here your wife has huge tits. So your wife's fat. Talk a little more about that. Hey, Byron Allen, thanks for setting me up. If she can't sleep on her back, she'll drown. Keep doing the joke. Now you do the joke. That's awesome. Yeah, she's good, man. That's great. And we'll get back to that. So this lady you fucked 10 years ago. No, no.

Back when my dick worked. Back when they hung up the jersey. We were sex guys for a while. You both were. Well, yeah, when you're younger, I guess. And it's still, like, exciting. Sure. Just to have... I know what you mean. Especially because we were so gross. Yeah. Yeah. And then we would have these beautiful women just be, like, about it. Yeah. It was so...

Truly the best year of my life was the year I was in Baltimore, kind of like King Open Mic-er. Right. Right before I moved to New York. I lived with my friends. I was fat. I worked at a paint store. But it was the first time I believed in myself. Yeah, didn't you just stand there and then they poured the paint over your head? You were the globe in the end. Yep, I was the Sherwin-Williams logo. I was just going to look on our wall. Put it on my front. There's different swatches on different parts. My tits are purple. My fucking...

And then your under boob is still blank. Yeah. That's the worst part, when you go to put the sunscreen on, and then somehow you lay back, and then you just have this fucking half moon of burn underneath your boob. Yeah, that is demoralizing, for sure. Well, it's tough, you know? It's tough. We're figuring it out as we go. Yeah, yeah. But yeah, that year that you have is like the best open mic-er in town. And then all of a sudden, just these ba- Like, I would walk up to girls and be like, hey, I'm courting you. And I would wink. Nice. And then you would just hear the fucking splish-splash. And you're like, okay, I'm in. I mean, but we shared a bed for a minute. Yeah.

You were roommates? We were bedmates. We were womb mates. He didn't have shit, so I had a bed and a TV. We split a room. I was flush. I had a box fan. I brought a lot to the relationship. We split a room for a summer before we started dating our wives the same summer. We went from sharing the bed to kind of

Staying at their place But it was like Hey I don't want to go home And go fucking Head to toe with Lund Right I better find some strange Who will settle on me For the night Right right right right We tried head to toe But your fucking genitals Are still the same place It's still yeah You just have feet in your face And in fact You could argue Your dick and balls Kind of Easier Fit together easier Backwards You have a beautiful mind Yeah I've done the math bro Yeah

All the equations. Yeah. It was gnarly. I mean, look, I'm not, who's to say, me and Elvis have definitely shared a few beds, but it was never like a, there was never a time where we could even make that the plan for a full week in a row. It was like a couple days, sure. And this motherfucker, we both had undiagnosed sleep apnea. He had it, he still has it to work. I mean, I don't know, I actually haven't slept,

I'm going to bet it's still pretty bad, but back in the day when we were getting really fucked up, this man would sound like he was dying every moment that he was sleeping. And then when you're laying next to him, you're like, okay, I hope he quits breathing. And he does, and you're like, ah. And then you're like, oh, fuck, is he dead? Start snoring again. Yeah, yeah. And then he's like... It's like you're coughing up an owl pellet. Yeah. Yeah, it's fucked, man. No sleep apnea for you two? No, I don't snore. Get out of here. I snore a little. It's crazy.

He has like a little purr though. He likes it. He's into it. It's like a white noise machine. Beautiful. Just enough. Our buddy Pat is real bad. Don't bring it up. Oh yeah, he hates it. No.

He'll never find love. He's like scared about it now because he didn't really know how bad the snoring was. Interesting, interesting. And then we were like, oh yeah, it's like the worst ever. Yeah. So he should get a fucking CPAP. What the fuck? Yeah, I think he probably realizes that now. He needs to. Oh, bro, the clock's ticking for real. If he's as fat as you guys and he's not on his nose. But he's like a cool, hip, happening fat guy. That's how it starts. That's how it starts.

He's getting in on the they-thems a lot, I think. Oh, yeah. That's a cool route to plow if you are a fat guy. 100%. I mean, I do remember... I do feel like when I was in Baltimore, another thing that would happen was I dated a lot of bi girls who either fucked me or fucked, like, Rosie O'Donnells. For sure, yeah. You know what I mean? And so there is, like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you do as a fat guy, there's a lot of like, you know, a couple of they-them's, a couple of bi girls with maybe like a little bit of a mustache type of vibe going on. For sure, rat tats. Yeah, oh yeah, nothing wrong with that. He was like the girls with the shaved sides. Nothing wrong with that at all. I always find it weird when people are like,

Like a girl who dresses androgynous, they're not attracted to them because it's like, dude, it's actually cooler because then they have... It's like she's dressed like a fucking guy all day and then guess what? She still pops her titties out at you. She takes that sports bra off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's awesome. It's like a little surprise at the end of the day. It's kind of, I guess, what...

going for? 100%. I'm glad you brought this up. It's kind of like woke Islam. It's non-binary or like butch girls that still got titties and pussies under there. Oh, they're in there. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh yeah, baby. You got that million dollar baby and then you get home and all of a sudden, oh, hello old friends. A girl in an oversized pullover, a fucking hat and some khakis. Oh yeah. Still got a pussy up under there. Yeah, she works at fucking BC Surfing Sport by day and then comes home and just busts it wide open. Yeah, yeah. That's what you want, man. Seems pretty cool to me. Oh God. As far as I'm concerned. Wow, so we got three happily married men except for me, obviously, Eldis. And I'm the only solo dolo.

The only fat man who still hasn't found love in this room. I feel bad now. You'll find love one day. Don't worry, man. I don't think so, man. You guys fucking... You guys did it right. Yeah. I bought in early. She was my GameStop. Yeah. You know? Oh, no, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. It's been almost 14 years. Wow. She was vulnerable when we met. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I'll take it. Was she in med school? No, she was a college dropout at the time. Wow. She was a little freak. Yeah, yeah. She had a long board. She was... Did you fuck his wife, too? Yeah.

Not yet. It would only bring us closer together. He wouldn't laugh. He's swapping. He's not swapping. He's not. He's only being laughing. We've done everything else. We've shared everything. Have you fucked a girl at the same time together? No. We tried. She didn't survive. It would have to be a girl doing aerial trapeze to be able to...

figure out she would have to have like that fucking big ass scarf or whatever there's gotta be three simple machines involved in that operation yeah absolutely no dude we can never do that to a living human being someone's daughter what about Zuckerberg's wife that's right Mark Zuckerberg I don't have a Facebook cause one night you know one night you know

That's fucking awesome. I don't want to meet the woman who's like, oh, you too? Yeah, yeah. I'll do my stretches. Come in and tell me. Maybe we could have, but we never wanted to. Yeah, but that's not what we were looking for. Just knowing it was an option was all I needed. Yes, yes, yes. To be clear, I have no interest in...

I don't get the fucking a girl with your boy thing. I don't need a guy in the room, man. And that's my friend. Like, the most I could go is maybe like, you know, maybe I'm in a massage chair next to Eldis and they're playing John Wick 2 and maybe someone, we're getting pedicures and then they put the thing...

They put like a divider. Sure. And then the girl starts sucking both our cocks. Now you're getting head of cures. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like, just like we're hanging out and it's like, oh, this is awesome, dude. And a girl is sucking our cocks. Right. Or maybe it's going back and forth. It would have to be one. And you're looking at each other like we're looking at each other. No, no, they're holding hands through a divider. We might be holding hands. It's like dining during COVID. No, no, no. Looking straight ahead but talking to each other. Yeah, we're just having a good time watching a movie.

Bro-ing out. You know what I mean? We're watching John Wick 2. I just said what we're doing, you know? Or something else. Predator, Commando. Fern Gully, if you're nasty. Yeah, maybe Fern Gully. Maybe Fern Gully. I did want to kind of fuck their off-brand Tinkerbell. Oh, are you crazy, bro? Dude, that was part of the whole schema that I have. Just look up Fern Gully's Tinkerbell. Look it up on DeviantArt. And lock the door, Eldest.

Yeah, dude, she was all right. Yeah, bingo. In a flannel. Oh, yeah, she kind of looked like Demi Moore. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's a nice piece of fairy pussy right there. And she's ready for the beach. Yeah, absolutely. Oh, yeah, look at those ears. Oh, and I forgot about that weird little bat, too.

Anyway, yeah, salute to her. That's kind of... I take her over Tinkerbell, honestly. Tinkerbell was kind of a dumb bitch, if you ask me. I know, she's gettable. That's what I like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was tricked by a boy who lived forever as a boy. I can get in there. But she also pouted too much. Yeah, she did a lot of like... Yeah, it's like being... You're just an annoying... You know Tinkerbell don't suck good dick. What? You know. What did I do? Nothing. It's fine. It's fine.

I already got a wife. You know she... She just won't apply herself. No. I could see it. I could definitely see it. But, man, imagine how fucking big your rod would look with her wrapped around it. Just whistling. Just jacking it over their whole body and slurping on it. Yeah. That's not bad, actually. I'm back in. Speaking of, did she end up in your urethra? Yeah. Come on, boys. Oh, God. Oh, God.

For the audio listener, I pantomimed Tinkerbell fingering my dick hole. From fairy dust to fairy bust. There it is, brother. Yeah, man. Oh, that's awesome. So you guys both started dating your wives the same summer, and this was 14 years ago?

2012. So 12 years ago. Jesus Christ. That was 12 years ago? Yeah. He put his dick in a fence at a house party and it grew and he was like, all right, she's the one. What? Hey, I thought we were sharing. I thought we were telling stories. You met your wife in a glory hole? Is that what's going on? No, I was so excited to meet this young woman that I turned a fence into a glory hole. Because

Because I went to piss backyard at a house party. And I put my cock through a hole because that's fun to do. Of course. And then there was like a retraction issue. So I texted my buddy, Chris Sharpentier. Hey, buddy, dick caught in the fence. That's awesome. He didn't respond. And then I get it out and I come back and I'm like, hey, what's going on, everyone? Chris, don't read that text I sent you. And then immediately he reads it aloud to my...

You know, soon to be wife. Eventual wife. Yeah. She needed someone to buy her booze. That's good. Yeah, dude. She was 20. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perfect. That was a fucking beleaguered 23. Oh, yeah. Worked out, man. That's beautiful. And how about your wife? Did you meet her at that party or what's going on? No. Sam and I and Chris...

And another comic, Bobby, did a weekly show for a long time. And we ended up in this space above a restaurant bar. And my wife was the bar manager. So I saw her every Wednesday for six months or something. And then, yeah, one night we did, you know, Brian Cook used to do competitive erotic fan fiction. Yeah, he did that show in D.C. I did it actually once, I think. What did you write about? Fuck, what did I write about?

I think I did the cast of Friends one time. That's good. I don't remember. I do remember I bombed. Oh, it wasn't easy, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's just new ways to talk about six fucking fictional characters. Fuck, what did I... It was at the Wonderland Ballroom. I remember where it was. Anyway, whatever. But I know what you're talking about, yeah. We had... Brian came through Denver and did that show for our weekly show.

and I wrote about Arrested Development and my wife was a big fan. The one where he fucks the Charlize Theron's mentally disabled character? Yeah, she was non-verbal in mine. She was just rocking and stimming. She kept signing help. Yeah.

But yeah, my wife was a big fan of the show and was up there hanging out and saw that. And that was it. Afterwards, she was like, what are you doing after this? And I was like, whatever you want. That's awesome. Hanging out with you. You're telling me erotic fan fiction of fucking George Michael getting pegged by Anne. Is that what did it? Yeah. I was a big fan of the show. And I had the, you know, I picked...

ahead of time so I really gave a shit about it you know probably too much you know and lost to our buddy Jim Hickox who had written about our comedy scene so it was like inside baseball a lot of inside jokes it was very funny if only he knew how true to life he was saying up

there. That's fascinating. Was there any vibes before that? Yes. Look at those eyes, bro. He was not the thinner. How much? 130 pounds? I was 225 pounds instead of 300. It was different. Like you were saying, when you're in that

You know, you're feeling like you're killing it. We always said, like, the reason, even though we were gross and crazy, we were so passionate about stand-up and talented and friendly. Yeah. We had our own crew. So I think that was more attractive than anything. It's just the pursuit. When you find someone on an upswing, too. Oh, yeah. When it feels like someone, like, that energy is so contagious. Yeah, dude. Yeah, we're on the up and up. And even if it was fake, right, even if shit was going to crater, in that moment, muah. Oh, yeah. The best thing in the world is potential. Oh, for sure. You never have to cash in on it.

No, no, no. But that moment where you're like, I have potential feels awesome. My 20 minutes is pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We weren't too – I think we were able to enjoy it as opposed to just wanting more. Sure. I think we were pretty good. That's all I wanted. I wanted free beers every Monday at Lion's Lair and maybe one lady with, like, massive breasts to take me home and make me take a shower before I bed in her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I would wear overalls all the time. Yeah.

Yeah. She makes you fuck her off the bed and then leave because she doesn't want you in there. Can you take the sheets with you, by the way? I think these are the animal hospital. They make people use them. I reeked so bad, dude. I was like, it was, I had like secondhand shoes, no socks. He didn't believe in socks. He thought that it was like

Fake, you know, like a psyop. He thought it was like a scam. Would you grow up sockless? I didn't have shoes until kindergarten. I grew up in the country. Okay. So we were just like shoeless all the time. Wow, real hillbilly shit. Pretty much, yeah, yeah. High Plains drafter. White trash. Well, I'm a quarter Mexican. Yeah. But, uh, yeah.

But yeah, I used to, my trick at like parties and stuff is I would like take my shoes off and put cigarettes out on my bare foot while like staring a woman in the eye. Bro, it worked. All these guys were like, I can't get laid. It's like you are overvaluing the intelligence of 19 year olds. Putting the fucking cigarette on your foot. I love it. So we're talking country. We're talking farmer. We just talking like

We're talking crystal meth and copper wire theft. Nice. Yeah. Classic stuff. Yeah, not really in the agricultural community, but there was a slaughterhouse in town. Oh, nice. A lot of people worked there until the damn pesky Latinos came. And then everyone worked at Sonic Drive-Thru. Oh, yes. Yeah. It was a shithole, man. Shout out to Elizabeth, Colorado. Elizabeth. Go Cardinals. Nice, dude. High school? Yeah. Nice. High school Cardinals. Oh, yeah. I got my letter jacket. My dad found my letter jacket the other day. Nice. He always wanted to make...

New letter jackets. Oh, yeah? Like for the comedy scene? Oh, my God. That fucking sucks. We wanted to bully Cressman. Yeah, dude. Oh, man. All right. Yeah, we're like a team, guys. This is a community. I love you guys. These people I do open mics with, this is my fucking squad. Congratulations, you're a joker. Oh, no, the jokers.

I don't remember that part. The Denver Jokers? Dude, I made a bunch of fake letter jackets on an old laptop, and when I turned it on, the fucking tabs were still open, and it was like six different badass letter jackets that I designed. So funny, dude. And then we got to decide who got to join the Jokers, you know? Maybe there was like a jump in and an open mic. That's so funny, dude. It was a fucking... You would regress to like 1940s gangs. Yeah. Like Brooklyn street gangs. Oh, yeah.

The Jokers. Well, also the hacks with an X. I thought that'd be pretty tough. That'd be fun. And it was always black, green, and orange were the colors. Black, green, and orange. Yeah. It was bad. Kind of like the Joker in Batman Beyond. For sure. Like cyberpunk Joker. Right, yeah. I kept telling him, no, we're not. Let's not. That is one of the truly...

And I'm like, in this, I'm just going to treat myself to using this word this way, gayest things I've ever heard in my life. I'm just, that was just, I just, one for old time's sake, that is so fucking gay. Do you want to make letterman jackets for your open mic buddies?

You want to go back to a time when you called everything game? Yeah. Damn, hearing you guys talk about it, I'm like, oh yeah, that was a bad look. I defended it to a lot of people. I was like sending designs to my friends who did graphic design and be like, what do you think about this? They just wouldn't respond to the message. Good, good, good. Yeah. That's so funny. I mean, that is cute that you guys really...

I mean, I'm making fun of it, obviously, because it deserves to, but it's also like, it's cute that you actually did feel that. You guys actually had friends that you had a good crew. We were tight. There wasn't a ton of shitty. It was like good competitive. There was 12 of us. Yeah. We had a bunch of crushers, too. And what were the nicknames you would have embroidered on the back of the jackets for all 12? Big pun. Yeah.

Oh, my God. The Lady Jokers, were there Lady Jokers? Of course not. Yeah.

No. Well, they get shittier quality jackets. They get pink. There's three of them. They get like the satin ones. Yes. Like the chicks in Grease got. Yep, yep. Yeah, yeah. I remember one was going to, you would get an award that would be lifelong feature. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that'd be like a fucking patch you would put on there. Patches? No, dude. Patches. Like if you won the Squire open mic, like best bar tab, you got a patch for that. Like it was...

It was fucking embarrassing, dude. It is embarrassing, but it is cute. It's literally like... It was sincere. You guys had like... You actually had community. Yeah. Whereas like, yeah, that is fun. I mean, I don't feel like we had that at all in Baltimore. It was like... I truly was like, I got to get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I never like, you know, I didn't really have any friends. I mean, in D.C. a little bit more, but then...

Some people. And then you fucking move. And then it's like, you know. I mean, Jamel Johnson, I'm still boys with him. He's the man. Wardell, I go, you know, we've been friends forever. But then a lot of people just kind of like...

who were funny just kind of fell you know everyone's so mentally ill that it's like it's fun when you're 24 right and then it's like oh man you gotta stop doing that all the time and then you find out that fucking Lund fucked your wife yeah yeah yeah and then you kill yourself and quit comedy and your relatives scrub your presence from the internet cause Lund fucked your wife I mean that's a tough conversation yeah

So I know you were on that break for like three months. Hey, think about the one guy you really didn't want me to fuck. Oopsie. I had to have him. I hope I wasn't the one guy. There's a lot of guys that I think would have been the one guy. You two were fatly nipping at his heels for pole position. Oh, for sure. Well, he was like the cool fat guy. And then I came from improv, so no one trusted me. Oh, that explains the jackets. Come on, man.

Mission improbable.

There was a team in Denver called All Kurds No Way. It was three Kurdish guys. Oh, that's pretty... You know what? I'll give that one to them. No one knew what they were talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was... Oh, fuck. Improv, baby. That's fucking awesome. Yuck. Oh, okay. That makes sense, though. Just trying to... I mean, look. You didn't know anything. You're shoeless. Blown into a jug for entertainment. Yeah.

So it's like when you saw improv, you're like, all right, this is something. I had to scare the frogs away. Yeah, dude, I did. I came from like a town of a thousand to Denver and was like, what am I going to do? Improv. And my mom got me improv classes for my 18th birthday. Oh, that's cute. It was great. I liked improv, but then I would fucking go do open mics and see these guys just living this fucking pirate lifestyle. He got his life talking about this in like these growing terms. It was a bunch of fat losers doing rape jokes. Right.

For drink tickets, that's what it was. You mean the greatest minds of a generation? The truth tellers?

It is very fucking lame to be romanticizing a thing while you're in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not going to get any better than this. Yeah, I know. I share a bed with a lawn. Yeah, that is so funny. But I mean, so you moved for college or what? You just moved to Denver? Yeah, I moved to Denver for college. Oh, nice. What school's over there? Metro State University of Denver. That's awesome. I went to Metropolitan State. Metro State sounds so funny.

fake well I was gonna go to CU and play football but then I hurt my knee so it was like Metro State University they'll have me that sucks and they gave me scholarships because I could read yeah yeah yeah Metro's one of those places where it's like hey are you a 37 year old recently divorced woman who wants to be a vet tech Metro's the home for you yeah

Come on down. That's awesome. And it only took me... Welcome to act two of the rest of your life. It took me 18 years to graduate, but I did it. After my mom died, I went back and got my 12 credits. That's all she wanted. Just a spider. You never saw it, bitch, but now I got a degree. Look up at your baby boy now, mommy.

Yeah. I do a lot of embarrassing things, it turns out. Oh, it's great, dude. I mean, look, yes, the jacket, but that's cute, getting your degree for your mom at a shitty school. Damn, what did you play? You were like a tackle, I'm guessing? I was a right tackle for a left-handed quarterback. Oh, fuck.

shit dude were you a d-lineman I was I was a nose tackle yeah you were zero tech yeah just right in there pop fuck people up don't have to learn any plays no and they were you guys were so stupid you'd write like left and right on your gloves yeah

It was awesome because I had good grades, but I was football dumb. That intelligence doesn't translate over. And there were kids on my team who couldn't fucking read who were like football savants. And it was just so funny. They all expected me to know the place. It's like, guys, I'm...

Just because I know how to cheat in AP US history doesn't mean I know the scheme and shit. So all I did was just fuck people up. It was awesome. Right. I still have a shoulder injury that's plaguing me to this day, but hey, you know, it was a fun little American. You had David Borey on here. He was a hell of a fucking nose tackle. Really? We went to high school together. Holy shit. That never even came up. That's hilarious. Dude, it was brutal. He didn't bring me up. No, no, no. Thanks, David. No, no. He was the best man at my wedding. Yeah.

I didn't know that your job as a D-tackle was to just grab onto dudes and try and take up two for one. But if I would have known that, I wouldn't have had to be one of the geniuses of the offensive line. That's right. Because you guys were fucking dumb as hell. We'd always make fun of you guys. Stupid as hell. Stupid as hell. It was the best, easiest thing to do. And it was so fun, too. Because the offensive line was so hard. I was like, no, I'm not doing this. I'm going to be a fucking defensive tackle. And the only reason I even played football was because I was playing soccer...

And our coach gave, our JV soccer coach gave one of the kids on my team pornography. Ooh.

And so they dissolved the team immediately. And they were like, hey, sorry that this... And you know what's the funniest part? He wasn't even... I don't know if it's worse, but it's more pathetic in some ways. He wasn't even trying to fuck him. He just wanted him to think he was a cool guy. He was trying to get a 14-year-old's approval as like a 30-year-old man. And so... We're going to get our own letter jackets. Just the two of us.

Here's a Gianna Michaels DVD. Oh, man. Ooh, I would have loved that. Shout out to Gianna. Dude. Yeah. One of our first episodes, for some reason, we were talking porn, and he goes, don't think about it on three. Say your favorite porn star. And we both said Gianna. I would have said the exact same thing. What? I was a big Gianna guy. Three years ago? Yeah, I was a big Gianna guy. I even like...

She had those, like, dead eyes. Yeah. I was going to say the opposite. It was the cans. Any of the porn stars that looked like they were having a good time was huge to me. Because if they looked dead-eyed and, you know, cashing a check, it just...

Wasn't the same. You hope their heart was in it? You were 17 and abusing yourself? Not 17, but, I mean, over time, it's like, I don't know, it was just better, I think. You know? Better for the scene. Sure, sure, sure. For morale. If you don't, you know, if you're not thinking about it being a job. Right, right, right. She was in the moment, enjoying herself. For me, it was a purely, she had incredibly fat tits. Correct. And that was pretty much it, honestly. It didn't really get...

More than that. And she was prettier than a lot of your Sarah J's. But Sarah J, infinitely gettable. There's like Sarah J is a fucking waitress at an IHOP. That's not what I'm beating off. That's not why I'm beating off. Well, no, I always thought you were the same. No, not for me. What about Lisa Sparks?

Probably dabbled in those waters. I remember Lisa Sparks. Brandi Taylor. Brandi Taylor, I do know. Yep. She hated sucking dick. Yep, yep. Whoa, there she is. Look at Lisa. I actually don't remember Lisa Sparks. You know who was pretty cool was Carmella Bing, who then got fat and looked great. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

I was like, back all of that up and dump it on me. Oh, look at this mug shot. What did she do? Oh, no. She got small. She got bent. Oh, man, she was messed up. But yeah, Carmella Bengals. Yeah, she had an era where she came back fat. And it was like when Michael Jordan moved over to small forward. Right. It was like when you gain a little weight, you have to play up a position. She was in the BBW. She went from busty to BBW, and she did great. Some people really...

size up in a great way. Oh, yeah. When they start wearing that, like, belly-concealing device in scenes, that's when I hit like and subscribe. Yeah, yeah. I hated that. I wanted it to flop. Yeah, go down a little bit, Elders. You see how she's kind of fat in that one? Oh, yeah. In the gray. Uh-huh. Anyway, yeah. Nothing wrong with that. Probably jack off to this later. And then there was... Hey, Elders, can you pause? Yeah. And then there was some... Who was the fucking...

Eva Angelina, maybe? That was another one. I'm unfamiliar. Yeah, she had glasses a lot of the time. She had like a heart tattoo on one of her tits. She was a big deal, yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember her. That's some good stuff right there. It's nice to put a name to a face. Elders, you want to weigh in here, buddy? Do you guys remember I always loved, I think...

I saw her tape. She's like this redhead. I'm not even sure if she spoke English. Very good. But then I think I tracked her down as Ashley Robbins. Of course. Remember you were mad at me because I found one where she was actually sucking dick? You were mad at me for finding it? Vaguely. Because she only did softcore stuff. Yeah, that's her. She was awesome. She was really hard to find, and I found one where she was sucking dick, and Eldis was literally like, what? He was literally like, where the fuck did you... He was mad at me. He cleared the desk of papers. Seriously.

I'm not even, I know it sounds like I'm doing a bit. It was literally the maddest I've ever seen Eldest at me. He was like genuinely pissed off and jealous in an animalistic way that I was like, I just like found the, I don't even know how you saw me do it. But anyway, yeah. Yeah.

She was awesome. I still am not even sure what her deal was. She doesn't have like a ton of videos out. She's probably dead. Yeah, my guess is she was a hard up for money Eastern European woman who showed her tits a couple times and barely resisted the temptation to fuck on camera and probably fucked off camera and didn't really have a good time. If I just am guessing right now. She never got her passport back. Yeah.

She's in a container somewhere. She's still in Bahrain right now. Do you know about the Genki Genki girls who take squids and penetrate themselves with them? No, no. That's a new thing. Interesting. It's not my thing, but I met a lady who makes a bunch of money doing that. Putting them in her pussy. Yeah, cephalopods in general. Wow.

Wow. And like Japanese people will fly her to Japan to do like private shows. Respect. I've looked at some shit like that before. Yeah? It's fucked up, yeah. What the hell? That can't be good for your pH balance. You know what I mean? That cannot be good. You're going to need a couple more eggs to get over that. Yeah. Yikes. Who's beating off to that shit? No. No thanks. So that's the fun. You know, it's always nice to go down the beat off.

The Rudolph Court. I literally don't remember. I'm usually really good at getting back into segwaying back, but I have no idea what we were talking about because I'm just thinking about all these women's breasts. Phoenix Marie, that's another good one. She can whistle while she sucks. All right, one more. We'll just look at Phoenix Marie and then we'll move on.

Yeah, good stuff. Pretty nice stuff right there. Oh, that's her with Chris Rock. Nice. Huh, wonder what happened there. Oh, interesting. That's what his movie was about. Click on that. Oh, no. Great bit about Chris Rock. I love the special where he was talking about getting a tambourine, I believe. That bit about like...

Where he's like, I cheated on my wife, I think it was like two or three times. Maybe he even said once. And he was like, now the women in here are like, wow, what a piece of shit. And every man in here is like, hey, two times. Pree's a good guy. It's like all the opportunities he had to get pussy and he only cheated twice. Which is true. Yeah, we call that a keeper. Didn't he fuck some insanely hot woman on the movie he did about cheating on a wife? I mean, which he got. Sometimes if you're that fan, you just...

I don't know. She did a gimme. The woo, I think I love my wife? I think so. The main chick? Was it Megan Good? Did he fuck Megan Good? Just saying, you search Chris Rock. Anyway, whatever. He's talked about it or somebody's talked. Get his GD. That's what the people want to know. Anyway.

It doesn't matter. He fucked somebody. He fucked some incredible hot woman. But anyway. Hey, we've all been there. Would you guys ever cheat on your wives? No, dude. I love my wife so much. And also, like, I'm not doing any better. A big titty doctor, you can't cheat on your wife. Yeah, beyond that. Just from RealPolitik, you can't do it. But yes, I suppose. This is the Young Turks. Yeah.

Yeah, man. No, I would never. Good for you, man. That's what I like to hear. Also, she could do so much better than me. Totally, totally. So if I give her one window... You can't give her the opportunity. You got her right now. She's surrounded by young stud doctors. Yeah, ooh. And I think...

Once you get older, you realize, like, I don't know, like, the excitement of cheating or, you know, it's not worth it because you feel like a piece of shit 24 hours a day and then eventually either it comes out or... Except for that 45 seconds. Right, yeah. It's not worth it. I don't know. No, I'm with you. I'm with you. Yeah, you don't want to... It's crazy to... Yeah.

It's nice to be able to get past that. The immediate or the feeling naughty bullshit. Right, right, right. And embracing, enjoying the, you know, just not having that in the back of your head. It's stressful. Totally. To be like, am I going to get found out? Yeah, oh, absolutely. Because I've cheated. I've been cheated on. And, yeah, it just feels like high school shit. Yeah, yeah. College shit. What'd you do? How'd you cheat, man? Just a couple times. It's like drunken shit. Yeah.

you know, like mistake. Classic. Like didn't even want to. Right, right. Like had no intention of. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'm not the girl. You know what I'm saying? Like it was, I never really got to have the cool, it was never like a bitch of a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like the, like a hot,

one night in camp it was never like a cool way it was always like wake up the next morning and be like god damn it I fucked you what have I really done truly what have I done compounded I would have thought this anyway but now I've like hurt someone I actually like yeah what do I do now this is you know killer didn't you get sucked off on like the side of the road after some gig with Woolsey oh yeah

I wasn't cheating, but oh, yeah. This woman was... She was small, and I barely remember her. The venue had like... She's a child. She remembers you for sure, dude. Dude, yeah. God, the bar, the venue had like dollar beers or something, and we showed up early. So we drank a bunch, and then the crowd was rowdy, so we were both drinking on stage. And then afterwards, yeah, this woman...

This woman was just like, hi. And I was like, let's go out here. And it was all windy and she was like trying to blow me. She didn't have a car or something. You're trying to hold onto your hat like Charlie Chaplin. You're getting your dick sucked.

Oh my God. It was so, and then, when he came, a bunch of crows flew out of the corn patch. There was no, I did not come. It was so windy and cold and weird. I couldn't do anything cool. That's awesome, dude. And then she was like, oh, uh,

you know, we, some friends are going back to, you know, an apartment. So we went there and then there was a very beautiful woman there who had a boyfriend, but I was all drunk. So I was like trying to chat her up. Of course. And the boyfriend and his buddies are like looking at, uh, our friend Elliot, like get him the fuck out of here before we stomp him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we got out of there.

there. It's awesome that you're like this other woman's saliva was right already on your dick and you're trying to chat to the hot woman whose boyfriend is there. He's looking at me. That's awesome dude. I honestly really respect that. He has no fear. Back in the day when he was drinking in Horny Man. Yeah.

It was fucking feeding day at the zoo for the hippos. That's crazy, yeah. I was always single for brief moments. Like, I had several long relationships. So when I was single, it was like, you know, I didn't know how to do it. So I was just, and like I said, you know, we were feeling ourselves. Of course. And people were, you know, they liked our show, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so there were a lot of, yeah, just little moments of being single. And also, if you're in Green River, Wyoming, doing a show for $200...

The only thing that really pays is getting a little bit of top. You gotta get a little top. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, to just kind of balance out the sheet, the fucking, whatever, ledger. Who gives a fuck? I forget what I was going to say. Yeah.

You didn't grow up on a farm, right? Where'd you grow up? No, I grew up outside of Chicago. And then when I was 12, we moved to Henderson, Nevada, Las Vegas. And Henderson kind of grew into one big city. After we moved there, it blew up for...

So you were in Vegas as a fucking 17-year-old? Yeah, junior high, high school. Went to college in Reno and then moved back to Henderson, Vegas. Started comedy in Vegas. You were in Vegas and you were like, I need to change the scenery. College in Reno. It was a better college. Nevada was a

Cooler campus, nicer. Because it was built in 1874. Oh, I didn't even realize. Oh, that's where the Wolfpack is. Yeah, Colin Kaepernick went there. I didn't know that. In my head, I just think of Reno as like the shittier casino town. Yeah, for sure. Oh, at Rescinded. No, there's a beautiful Ivy League-esque campus there. Yeah, yeah. No, they have good athletics and shit. It's fucking cool. They didn't until...

Well, Nate Burleson was there when I was there. No, they had good teams. The women's volleyball team. Yeah, they were okay. But I just remember I got to see LaDainian Tomlinson. The TCU played in Reno. Oh, that's cool. And, god damn, he probably put up 275, four touchdowns. Yeah, yeah. And you had to respect it. You were like, I weigh 275. Wait, this guy's like me. I'm the same dude. I had four beers in the first quarter. Yeah.

He's had two touchdowns. Two more coming. No, it was crazy to watch him in college just ripping shit up. Yeah, I can't even imagine. Kaepernick was a few years after me. And I think last year I was there, 2004, was when the basketball team got good. Oh, yeah. They had a couple guys. That dude from Kansas, that transferred white dude.

was good. I don't know, man. Sorry. I can't remember his name. You want to talk fat-titted porn stars? Yeah. I gotcha. Yeah. But I can't. I'm not going to think of it. Maybe deli offerings? We can talk that. Yeah. Different types of flavors of boar's head. Yeah. But Mountain West white basketball players. Yeah, I can't do it. I got a gap there. Oh, interesting. So then you went back to Vegas and then went to... Graduated...

I decided to do stand-up when I was almost done with college. Gotcha. And I figured, I don't know what was going on in Reno, but I figured Vegas would be easier to start. So I started writing for my last semester. Was it in Reno or Vegas where you got sprayed down?

Sprayed down with... By the cops. At the sheriff's station. Were you joining Colin Kaepernick and disrespecting our troops? And is that why they sprayed you down? Yeah, it was treason. Were they making a citizen's arrest? No, man. What happened? I was just fucked up.

My buddy ditched me downtown and I was just like stumbling around and I must have shit my pants at some point. And that's why they sprayed me down. It wasn't because I was a civil rights protester. The dogs are licking him because he's sweating hot dog milk. Oh,

Yeah, that was such a fucking bad night. You came out of a blackout being hosed out. That's crazy. It was one of those, like, I always, when I would black out, it was just a moment in the night, and then I wouldn't remember shit. But a couple times, including that night, I came in and out, so I remember a few things. And, yeah, the highlight was definitely me crying and the cops laughing.

I mean, can I say that sounds so fun? To like, host out some like, fat kid, college kid, who's shitting his pants. That sounds like, like if you gave us a fucking hose and a hue when you were 19 with shit in his pants, we'd all have one of the best times of our lives. That's my Colonial Williamsburg. I want to relive that moment. When I woke up.

uh, in the junk tank. I know I'm like, Oh, for you. What did I do? Literally like, no, I must've gotten a towel or something. I was in the sack, you know, potato sack. Yeah. Yeah. No, ladies. Yeah.

But yeah, I was like, oh shit, I wonder if I got charged with something, you know? And then when they first like breathalyzed me, I was like, what, did I do anything? Like, am I in trouble? Yeah. And they were like, nah, you're fine. We just picked you up and fucking brought you here. Yeah, we'll let you out. And then I walked like two miles home in the shitty shoes. They washed my clothes, but the shoes were still kind of caked a little bit. With your own shit? There was some shit on there, yeah. Yeah.

And I got home and like cleaned them and kept them. He actually has them encased in amber now. I still have them. That's fair, dude. They hang from my car, my rear view mirror. Little shitty booties. Dude, I forgot about that. That was my closer for a while. Not a bad story to close on. I worked at a middle school and the vice principal was retiring so he was like 80 and

And I was being a prick and he wanted to fight me. And I was like, let's fucking go outside. It's his party. Everybody's excited for him. And then I fucking almost ruined it. Didn't you face smush him? No, there was a young lady teacher. And I think we were flirting, but I was so fucked up. And I think I was like, get out of here. And I like pushed her face. And that's when it was like everybody turned and was like, get him.

him I'm hanging out with teachers you know how they party so we were freaking I didn't know that they go so hard and this dude is 78 or whatever retiring he was having a good time

Yeah, they were drinking. So is that why? Because you said you quit drinking before this motherfucker. Did you just have, what was the one? Did you have one where you're like, all right, I can't be doing this shit anymore? No, it was, no. It was all of it. An accumulation of stories like that? Yes. Well, because he didn't get it at first because he was like, we had so much fun. And I was like, yeah, most of the time.

Most of the time it was great. But I didn't like blacking out, especially when it was like, oh, yeah, we had such a, you know, we were here and then here and I don't remember any of it. It's like, ah, it would have been more fun if I wouldn't have been that fucked up. Yeah. So that was part of it. I think your rock bottom personally was when you hooked up with that super hot chick and you didn't remember it. And the next day you were like...

Did I see your boobs? And she was like, yeah. Oh, wow. That's brutal. She was like a legendary Denver bar babe. He somehow did it. And I was like, what was it like? And he's like, I don't know. That sucks. I wasn't there. That's one of the worst things of all time. That actually makes me legitimately sad. Everything else is funny, but man, that's brutal. That's tough. I live next to a... She got sober after too.

Oh, my God. That's awesome. I think she actually went to the spike for a minute. But no, we had a few comics lit together next to a guy who was like, had done like 15 years for cocaine possession, something. And so when he moved in with his wife and daughter, he's like, hey, you know, you guys are young. I'm sure you're having a good time over there. I'm not...

just letting you know now I can't do any of that. I'm trying to be good. And our houses are a foot apart. And I'm just like cranking tunes and shit. Blasting Chevelle. A lot of Chevelle. White Zombie. He was the worst neighbor. When she was over...

She said the cops came. He must have called the cops, you know? So they showed up and she said, I was able to turn it on for them. Oh, hey, officers. I'm sorry. I'm sure you're here because of the noise. Hey, back to the blue. Good to see you, boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing but respect. I learned my lesson in college. Yeah. Kaepernick can go blow as far as I'm concerned. I've been hosed. I'm on your side, boys. Yeah.

That would have been on your letter jacket. You would have had a hose pad. Just the one. That's awesome. You not remembering. She's like, I gave a guy pussy and he didn't even remember. I gotta get sober. You had no business engaging in any kind of carnal acts with her. Whatever. I was a cool guy. Do you think your dick got hard? I don't know. Maybe. Probably. Probably.

I don't know how far we got. Am I just gonna... That was his end of Lost in Translation. You'll never know. It got hard. Yeah, you whispered, did my heart... And we don't hear her answer. Did I come right away? Did I come soft? You know, uh...

When we started getting away from the open mic, this is what comes next, getting in at Comedy Works. Yeah. It was like, fuck, I can't keep drinking like this because I was so getting busier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then it was like drinking every night. And I remember the hangovers from 29 to 34 were so much worse. Oh, that's a tough hangover. And so every morning, it's like, fuck, I'm ruined all day. I'm going to feel okay, you know, tonight at nine. Well, you were such a go-getter too. Shut up. We were working our way.

We were playing FIFA and scraping resin. That's what we were doing, man. Oh, God, when you're so hungover and then you're like, oh, smoking weed will help. Oh, I remember that. It does like half the time. Yeah. Sometimes you're so fucked. And it dries you out even more, so you've got to chug. But the first time that happened, like the first time in college, like an older friend of mine was like, I have the remedy for you, my friend. And he just came over with like Gatorade and weed, and I was like,

I was like levitating and I was like, oh, that feels good. And then you get old as fuck and you're like, doesn't help. You feel horrible now. You're scared. You're paranoid and you're fucking... Now you're hungry but you have to throw up. Oh, brutal stuff. My wife quit before me and I was like, all right, I'm going to quit too. But his wedding... After my wedding. ...was two months after she got sober and I was like, I don't know if I want to deal with that. I also knew I didn't want to push anybody's face...

Or like chuck somebody into the lake. You know, I didn't want to be that guy. Of course. So I didn't do that. It was good. You know, we had a real good time and I didn't fuck anything up. Had a couple pops. A couple of pops. But yeah, I was able to. A couple. A couple.

Yeah, I really did. And I wish I could have drank like that all the time, but it was really hard to stop after three or whatever. There was also a period where he went like crazy, like straight up like pulling a knife on the crowd crazy. Like pollution. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like pollution on the street. And like his sister was calling me like, what do we do? And I was like, I don't know. I think he's really figuring some stuff out up there. I think he found his voice. Yeah.

That's so funny. That's awesome. That was a crazy little panic episode. Yeah. About a month and a half long. Luckily, did not end up in the hospital or getting hosed down in jail. It was just like, get the hose, pig. One day, it felt like our buddy Chris was like, dude, what the fuck? And for some reason, hearing that, his concern, it was like the air got let out of the balloon and I got to feel

Come back down? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, holy shit. Like, finally, it's like, holy shit. What was that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was crazy. That was crazy. And you were drinking. You were taking your shirt off in bars. I was dancing with women. Letting those little titties juggle. Letting them swing. Well, I worked at a movie theater until...

and then I finally quit your job. Well, that's why I moved in with him. You're aged out of the movie theater. You're like, hey man, you can't be doing this. You're 27. God, no, I was 33. Cutting tickets doing this? I was a manager. I don't know if that's better or worse. I was telling people, quit smoking weed back there. Yeah, dude, that sucks. Working at a movie theater long enough to get promoted. I work a year. Come on.

I was lucky that I got that pay bump. Yeah.

Dude, this woman that would come in and see movies was so hot. And I finally, like, I thought we had a little back and forth. Sure. So I finally, like, ask her friends, like, hey, what's, you know, what's her deal? Is she single? Whatever. And I'm wearing, like, all black covered in, like, reek of popcorn and butter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, after the fact, I was like, what are you doing? Yeah. It's got to be somewhere else where you're. Of course. It's got to be at a, invite her to a show. Right. And then you talk, chat her up after if you crush. Yeah.

But yeah, I was just like, hey, free movies. What's up? You want to see the passion of the Christ on me? God, she was smoking. Hey, I'm going to watch The Wrestler for the eighth time. Do you want to swing by? Yeah, that's when I was there. I do all the lines aloud. It's fun. A couple years, yeah. That's pretty fun, dude. Yeah, it was good. But yeah, I quit, moved in with him, and then...

God, yeah. The rest is history. We had a little manic episode. It wasn't little. There were people calling in from all over the country. People were scared. Yeah, it was a wild ride. Did you ever have to use your knife in any kind of self-defense scenario? No.

Yeah, he killed God. Yeah, it's never God. No, luckily, God. I did pull a knife on a crowd. Hey, come on. Yeah, that's fun, though. That could be fun. A gun would be awesome. Oh, yeah. I would love to pull a gun on the crowd, but you just can't do that. It's not going to be me. It's not going this way. We never had one of these yet. A lot of guns.

audience members. And then firing it off so they know it's real. That would be good stuff. Well, that's great, man. It sounds like you guys are real experts. It sounds like these guys are the type of guys to help our listeners. Don't you think, Eldis? Oh, yeah, absolutely. So what do we got? What do we got here, Big Eld? Play us a nice little call.

Before we do that, let's plug stuff. The podcast, Chubby Behemoth. Yep. Sam's got a special out on YouTube. You can watch it right the fuck now on the Matt and Shane... Secret Podcast channel. YouTube channel. Toad's Morale. I got a travel show called Wide World. We're in Japan right now. Oh, nice. Yeah, it's good. Fuck yeah, dude. Soup's on. Soup's on. You got a soup show? That's my special on YouTube. Okay, nice. It came out last year. Hell yeah, dude. 8,000 views, so I'm not sweating it.

So I'm good. Let's get this guy to 9,500, folks. Dude, that'd be nuts. Let's get this motherfucker to 9,500. All right, let's play a little fucking call here, Elders.

Hey, Steph. How's it going? So a couple months ago, I made a decision that I knew was really bad when I made it, but I did it anyway. So a little bit of background. I'm an EMT in a pretty busy area. We do, like, the emergency calls, but we also do inter-facility transport, so taking people between hospitals, psych wards, things like that. And we have a pretty long transport with women who went into the hospital overdosing, made some –

Oh my god. I think they said, "Are you calling in?"

All right, let's see where this goes. I mean, this is insane. You know what you're thinking? I had no intention of dating this woman, but, like, we were invited. So I took her Snapchat at the end. What? Oh.

The end of the ride. And, like, she was posting me on her Snapchat, like, the whole time, too. It was kind of funny. I know this is pretty unethical, right? I'm not supposed to...

be hitting on our patients. But, you know, I did. And so she spent between like rehab and being in a psych ward for like a month or so. She's at her lowest point. I know I'm not supposed to. I know it's the worst thing you could do. She's at her most vulnerable. She's losing her mind. I've got access to drugs. I decide if she lives or dies. I could send her to jail off my word alone. But I

But I did it anyway. But hey, she was hard. All right, let's see how this ends. Like a month or so, she hit me up when she got out and...

She lived like 30 minutes from me. So I spent like the weekend at her apartment hooked up all that Nothing serious though. Nothing serious. We're talking about like dating or anything like that. We just we're kind of vibing This is insane after that. I mean, that's good You know, we would text back and forth a little bit here and there but not really talking that much You guys some point she

Started using drugs again, and I got a phone call. Oh, pause this. Oh, it's her fault. Well, at some point, this drug addict let me down. Anyway, you're a fucking piece of shit, but let's finish this. And I got a phone call about, like, 2 a.m. one day. She was, like, geeked out, never mind, and told me that, like, her friend overdosed because some drug dealer sold her some Bad H.

And she asked me to help her kill this guy. - Whoa! - Oh my gosh, yes. - I kind of set some boundaries right there. Like, yeah, I-- - Set some boundaries. You're way past therapy speak, dickhead. You fucked an insane woman. You fucked an insane woman you met in the back of your ambulance. - Fresh out of rehab. She had nowhere else to go.

She's wearing Velcro shoes. And, you know, I just wanted to set some realistic expectations with her as she was down a K-hole. I mean, this is insane. Keep going. What was Jonah Hill's?

What's that? Jonah Hill. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Set some boundaries. You need to stop taking pictures with guys because it's messing with my goals. What, dude? What? I mean, this is insane. Keep going, Elders. I kind of set some boundaries right there. Like, yeah, I'm not a killer. Like, I don't think...

I should be talking to you anymore. Um, hung up. Now, now that he busted a couple of nuts, he shouldn't have been like ignoring all her texts and chat, Snapchat. And she's,

Clearly on a bender. Yeah, like when you met. And just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, now she is. She parties. So let me just, so the amount of time you've known this woman, she has been, you met her when she was so suicidal, they took her from a regular hospital to a psych ward. Yeah. Then she was in rehab for three months. Then one weekend she, you fucked her. And then the next week she went crazy.

So there was a total of two days in which she didn't seem crazy, and they happened to just coincidentally be the days you could fuck her. Interesting how convenient that was. He must not have been that good if he's not willing to kill for it. I know. What if he was like, so yeah, there's blood on my hands right now. I'm calling from a payphone, stop. What are the non-extradition countries? I'm in Ecuador. I'm in Ecuador.

All right, keep going, Elders. This is insane. Clearly on a bender. And just the past couple of days have been blowing up my phone. And now I'm kind of concerned about blowing up my spot at work. This wasn't illegal, but it's definitely...

You deserve whatever happens to you. What are you out of your fucking mind?

Why do you get ahead of it? Hey, boss, just so you know. Remember that chick with the rockin' cans who came in? Yeah. Remember the 5150? We won 6950.

Is her brain broken in half and now she wants me to kill a guy? So she's lying. She says she's got this fantasy about having sex with me. And I think she needs to go to the mental hospital forever. Yeah. So she's been making a lot of stuff up. I think we should probably just lobotomize her before she does any more.

You can't trust these women. You know how it is, boss. You got any of those shock collars left over from the dog thing? Well, she needs one. This guy literally... I mean, this guy, if this were the 50s, would literally have this woman lobotomized so that he could get a promotion. Yeah, they'd probably fuck the whole. You're a piece of shit. You're a moron. You complete... I mean, this is crazy. What you did was insane.

Not expecting there to be this kind of blowback is naive. You know it was unethical. I just like, dude, it's one thing to fuck a woman who's insane and on a bender who, you know, who hasn't done that, right? But to do that when you're the paramedic that's taking her to the fucking mental hospital. Yeah.

And what you're worried about is not, is she going to commit murder? Is she going to kill herself? Is she going to kill herself? Is her friend, did her friend die? I'm going to lose my benefits. Yeah. I'm on a pretty stellar track at St. Agnes, and I can't really lose that right now.

Yeah, dude. They were letting me drive the truck. I have literally no advice for you. I wipe my hands of this. You're a piece of shit. And I bet the pussy was pretty good. And was it worth it? The girl interrupted pussy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A wound in sweats? I want nothing to do with this. Next question, Elders.

What's up, Stavi, an esteemed guest calling in from New Orleans. You've got to come visit us sometime soon. But I'll try to make this quick. I recently downloaded Hinge about two months ago and pretty quickly met this guy on there. He's the only guy I've met with Uplift since downloading Hinge. And, I mean, our first date was incredible, super fancy restaurant, like a $500 bill. He's treating me with nothing but, you know, a lot of respect.

He's a touch tall. It's been his last year of med school to be an actual neurosurgeon, like a fucking brain doctor, which is insane. But the thing is, recently, he was Mardi Gras here in New Orleans, and I met up with some of his friends for the parade. And one of his friends was kind of looking at me weird, and I didn't think of anything of it until the next day.

I just got bored, checked my hinge, and this kid's friend had sent me a like. And, I mean, his friend's in the same residency program, smart kid, even more attractive, in my opinion. And my question is, I don't know if I should...

This is awesome. I'm always ghostwriting whips. Sure.

trying not to be, trying to obviously have a good time and just go with the flow. But yeah, I don't know if I should fuck things up by matching with his friend on Hinge. And even if I did, if this kid would even talk to me, I don't know if that would even be a guy that maybe I want to talk to that would, you know, screw his friend out of a good situation. So yeah, let me know if you think I should do, if I should roll you guys on this one or just play it safe. Um,

Love you so much. Love the podcast. Thank you. Bye. Okay, this is interesting. I mean, this is hilarious. I also love how, like, nonchalant she is because she is, like... I mean, the guy's friend is a piece of shit. That's kind of weird to, like, like your friends, to like your friends, like, the girl he's dating. It seems like it's pretty casual. Right. But I also think, like...

And I'm with you, Sam, where you said neurosurgeons have a God complex. They're the worst ones. These guys, to me, don't feel like they're trying to... None of these guys, to me, especially if they say you're ratchet and shit like that, they're probably trying to get a nut off here. Oh, you're a notch in a bedpost. Yeah, and so what would happen... You're just lying in a song. What would happen if you...

If you swipe right on this guy, best case scenario probably is that like... They double team you. Yeah. Dual income pussy. Then they open up her skull. I would be worried about this being some kind of weird rich med school thing, kid thing of like, hey man, you got to try some of this pussy over here. Literally, you're not... You would be the slam piece for the med program. That's not like... That's my thoughts anyway. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe whatever. Whatever.

But also it's like, and by the way, there's nothing wrong with that if that's what you want to do. No, live it up. Like, if there were a group of two hot girls and they didn't want to do anything, like, serious with me and they, I would fuck two friends that, I don't know. Yeah, how close are the two guys? Yeah, they just, like, sort of whatever. During med school, but maybe they're not close. Yeah, it's up to you. I mean, personally, I think, like, unless you just want to get an, unless you do want to fuck this guy, like, I don't, I don't know. It's like...

Are either of these guys guys you want to date seriously? Well, also, dude, she's fucking delusional. Yeah. These guys are in med school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're going to Mardi Gras. Right. This is the three days of their semester they get to blow off steam. Right. They're not here for a long time. Right, right, right. They're here for a good time.

You're swamp pussy to these guys. They're going to go back to Connecticut and be like, whoa, there was this fucking unwashed mass. We passed her around. That is very possible. And I also think don't let the buying you fancy, getting you a fancy dinner, don't let that

Sway you because if this guy's rich it's like that doesn't really mean shit to him and it's a way to like make it seem like it matters but it doesn't could be us could be a bit of a love bomb here so I Personally, yeah, I would err on the side of nothing serious is gonna happen with either of these two Especially if the first guy has his faults my I would say like look if you want to try and give it a whirl with the other guy great, but like you know

It seems like you're not super... The fact that you're even considering this and the fact that you're even checking hinge means you don't really give a fuck about the first guy. No. You weren't just bored and checking hinge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. It's like if you like someone you're dating, it's like you at least put those on ice for a while. Yeah, yeah. Even if it's kind of casual. Quit being greedy, lady. You found a neurosurgeon. Well, you know... No, no. Go ahead. What do you think?

It's just almost weird to think, like, it used to be you dated whoever, like, and the guys kind of knew, all right, we're competing. So if we want to try to get to be serious, then you stick around and whatever, you know, care. Yeah. But if you don't, then it's casual. And then that got lost. And now I can't imagine dating and hinge forever.

Yeah. Because everybody's trying to be real cool and chill and go along with whatever. A little aloof, yeah. You don't say what you want. Right, that's a good point. And then you ghost or you get ghosted. No, that's a good point too because she's saying like, you know, I'm just trying to go with the flow. But why? Yeah. Which one do you like more? You said you're already a little resentful towards him. Honestly, I think like it doesn't seem like you're in it that much for the first guy. It might have been a fun little fling. You got a nice couple dinners out of it, whatever. Yeah.

Doesn't seem like you really give that much of a fuck about him. And I would even say like, or if you do like the first guy and you actually like want to give it a whirl, well,

Don't go with the flow. Say how you feel. Say what you want. And if you don't think he's worth that, then you basically, I say just forget about him. And then it becomes like, well, if he's in the rear view, then decide the same thing with this other guy. Then he just becomes a new guy that you might date or you might match, whatever. So if you want to go for it, go for it. It's like you owe the other guy anything really.

really. Right. And if you want someone in the medical field, we know an EMT who has very low... I was going to say, maybe if she feels like she's ratchet or less than with neurosurgeons, maybe she should be with a skateboarder, a guy who still works at a video store. That's okay. Maybe arcade technician. Yeah.

He's always got a bunch of quarters on him. Yeah. But it is important that you actually think about, that's a good point, Nathan, about like people try and be too aloof and it's like, don't just go with the flow. Think about what you want and then be honest with yourself and then you can process like,

Is the guy, is it dickish things this guy doing a deal breaker or is it something we can talk about? And then you have to go from there. But I think the most fundamental thing for you is like be honest with yourself about what you want. And also I was with a doctor through med school.

there's no time for anything new. So if you think that they're going to make room for you in their fucking overwhelming life where they're learning this incredibly hard technical skill, that's not going to happen. He's not going to make space in his heart for you. So, I mean, God bless you. You sound like a fun girl, but dating a doctor sucks, especially neurosurgeons. Right. Because they like knowing that they could accidentally end a person's life.

They're monsters. They're the Jason Bate men. Patrick Bate. Patrick. Yeah. Jason Bate. America's sweetheart. Yeah, they're going to start a weird, shitty podcast with their famous friends. Stay off my fucking corner. You're already millionaires. This is all I have, you smartless cocksuckers. All right, next question. Good luck to our friend here. Next question, Elders.

Avi, baby, listen, I really, really need some help here. I'll get right to the point, right? Please do. So I'm fully in love with my girlfriend. We've been dating for over four years. We live together. She respects me. I respect her. We have a really good thing going. Our relationship is basically perfect except for one thing.

we don't fuck anymore. We have almost no sex anymore. And it's been going on for that for like that for almost like a full year. And here's the reason why. About a year ago, she started having some real problems

let's just say, pussy problems. Okay? Oh, thank you for putting it in there. She's been having some issues down there where basically she's just bleeding all the, say, pussy problems. Okay? She's been having some issues down there where basically she's just bleeding all the time. It's just like this, like,

brown, cakey substance. Don't want to get into too much detail here, but there's nothing normal, nothing comfortable, nothing good. And it's really impacted our sex life. She, you know, is very understandably self-conscious about it. And it's gotten to the point where even if she's not bleeding like that, I think she's just so upset and embarrassed.

That makes her really anxious and she tenses up and the sex can be painful for her at times too. So it's like, it's just this whole big mess. We really don't have sex much at all. There's very little like sexuality even. We barely even like make out or kiss because I feel like it's just...

impacted her drive to do something like that. She's working on getting it fixed, going to the doctor and everything, but I mean, I guess something like this might take some time. There's no real clear end in sight, but basically, basically, my question to you

that I really need advice on here is I love this girl so much. Like I really love her. I could always picture like a full life with her, but like I'm 26, man. And like, I gotta be catching, like there's a whole slew of hoes out there that, you know, I could be having fun with and like, just kind of doing it in my life.

And, like, I love this girl, but, like, I'm tired of, you know, sneaking out late at night to just, like, jerk one real quick because I'm horny as shit and I'm not going to get it from her, you know? Like, I'm tired of that. So, like, what do I do? I want to have sex, but...

And no option for an open relationship. That would absolutely never fly. But, like, I love her so much. So please, Savvy, help me, bro. It doesn't sound like you love her that much. No. It really doesn't. And by the way, it's like she has a medical issue. Right. Like, if she had leukemia, would you be like, oh, this bitch won't let me fuck. And it's going to take a while to get this figured out. Like, yeah, she's got a fucking health problem, dude. It happens to be with her pussy. But it's like she's got to get it fixed.

You don't love her that much. Like, if this is that, like, she's going through something, you should be supportive. And, like, you know, when this clears up, because it's a health problem just like anything else, it'll clear up. Sure, maybe you have to beat off a little bit for a year. But it's like, if you really loved her the way you did, you say you do anyway, you're

I'm not saying it wouldn't be a sacrifice, but that, you know, shit happens, bro. People deal with stuff. This is her thing. I mean, yeah, at first I was going to defer to you guys because I thought it was just a general long-term relationship. We're not having sex so much question. But this to me seems even more clear cut of like she has a medical issue. She has a health problem. And he gave her. Yeah. I would resent you too if you wrecked my pussy forever. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I don't... I'm curious about the... Yes, you are. Shut up. What do you say? How big his dick is. He has to sneak out late at night to jerk one. Why is he going on the porch? So she doesn't want him to jack? Even though she's dealing with... Like that makes me wonder what... I think it's just a little... Here's another thing that I think. Is that I think it's like...

it's become like an anxiety anxious topic in the household like she first of all this is how he's talking openly to us about it imagine his vibes imagine where he's like they're watching a movie where two people are fucking he's just probably like

must be nice like I remember those days like he's like I can only imagine yeah he's like I guarantee you he's not being subtle or coy about any of these like about how not happy he is a lot of hoes out there you know she's like crying in the shower he's like are you done I gotta get to Arby's I'm working a double yeah

So like, dude, here's the real fix. If you actually love this girl, the way you think, you claim you do, you want a life with her. You've been together four years. Didn't he say four years? That's not a short amount of time. I mean, also... Especially 22 to 26. Four years. The one thing I would say that is a little bit of a, like, gets my antenna up is like, 22 to 26...

This guy also might be using this as an excuse to get out of a relationship he started when he was a child, basically. Yeah, how much did he... And doesn't want to be in, you know, like... How much did he date before they got together? Right, right. Was he able to go through this slew of hoes? Right, right. Which probably not, right? Like, he probably... That he... In prime... I feel like 22 to 26 is kind of prime, like, go crazy years. Yeah, yeah. Where you kind of... And then you kind of settle down, whatever. Yeah. And...

So, look, you have to be honest here. Stop talking about how much you love her. You don't that much, right? You also don't know what love is. You're 26. Right, right, right. Your brain is kind of developed. So, if you really want to make this work for real, then you also have to start being completely open and honest about this. It feels like there's a lot of nebulous anxiety around this topic, and I think you just have to sit her down and be honest and be like, hey, you know, this is... Be honest about yourself where you're like...

Obviously, I'm really attracted to you. I miss having sex with you. I miss our love life taking a hit. But this is a medical issue. I'm here for you. You don't have to be weird or anxious around me. If I try and initiate sex and you turn me down, I'm not going to take it personally. You got to have to make her feel comfortable. Yeah, feel loved. Feel loved. Because here's the other thing. It's like...

It's not like you guys couldn't fool around a little. The red flag to me is there's not a lot of sexuality. They're not kissing. They're not doing anything. There's no physical intimacy. For a little while, you can figure it out. For a year, you're just getting a little... You're getting jerked off a little bit. You know what I mean? How are you initiating sex? Totally. Like, are you romantic? Her mouth doesn't have blood in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, 100%. And so I just think that is the issue here. Your vibes are as poisonous as her pussy. And you can fix those really fast. A doctor doesn't need to fucking figure out what antibiotics to give your vibes. So you got to fix your vibes if you're really in this. And if you're not and you're using this, like your whole preamble is,

I didn't believe anything he was saying until he talked about how much he wanted pussy from other girls. Correct. And by the way, like, this is not... If you actually love your girl and you're like... Like, it's not... Other hoes wouldn't come up. You would just say, I miss fucking and it's driving me crazy. But I want to be with her so bad. Exactly. You said you want to fuck other women.

I don't think you fucking... I don't think you want to be in this personally. No. And you have to be honest with yourself. Are you willing to make... You know, in a real... When relationships get serious...

Do you make sacrifices for your partner? They deal with fucking, they deal with health problems. They also might deal with stress. I bet in med school you were getting pussy because she was just fucking really studying or, or they have like, you know, family issues or just shit fucks people up where they're not. Your love life will take a hit for long stretches in a long-term relationship and

If the second that happens, for whatever reason, you're all automatically trying to fuck other women, you don't really, you're not really ready for this kind of commitment. So I think you've got to be honest with yourself. In a lot of relationships, you don't even need to have sex. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just make some soup. Just make soup. Watch Love is Blind. Your parents finally are off your back about being gay. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

I can't fuck girls. Their pussies are all rotten. I keep wrecking their holes, Dad. But anyway, yeah, that's my read-on situation. That's my advice to you, buddy. Also, if you have pussy wrecking pipe, you're going to be fine out there, buddy. Yeah. That's what he wants. I think it's the bacteria. He wants to share his dick with the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think Greek yogurt's the solution to this one. We could. Yeah, I don't know. A lot of healthy stuff in your gut biome. Why not your pussy biome, too? Yeah.

Throw a couple spoonfuls of Faye in her pussy. That's foreplay. Hi, Stavi, Eldest, and esteemed guest. Stavi, I first discovered you as a guest on your mom's house. Oh, I love those guys. And now I'm a really big fan of not only your comedy, but your advice and how you're both hilarious, but still empathetic at the same time. Stop it. Stop blushing. Okay, so what I need your help with is...

I'm happily in a relationship of three years with my boyfriend. I'm currently making, I guess, like roughly twice his salary, but I'm only paying for 50% of the expenses. We don't live together, but what I mean by expenses is like eating out, dates, et cetera. I feel like if the roles were reversed, the man would be paying more since he's earning more. So I feel like in this case, I should be paying more, but I don't want to make him feel...

emasculated or hurt his confidence or anything like that. We're both not crazy spenders, so maybe I'm overthinking it, but how can I bring this up to him or should I just leave it alone and trust that he'll bring it up with me? Thank you. Now this is the relationship I'd like to be in. This girl's proactively thinking of these needs. She really is like... Fast forward to our last two calls about what kind of partner these people are and it's like...

I mean, it's night and day. She's considerate. She's worried about hurting his feelings while also being very practical about it. Your heart's in the right place. You know, I mean, look, I wouldn't give a fuck, but I'm not... But...

I mean, I think the fact he's already going 50-50 is kind of not like a lot of, you know, a lot of times I feel like it is like the men definitely pay a little more even if there's like a money imbalance. Oh, 100%. You guys are already going 50-50. He hasn't brought it up.

He's not a complete idiot. Yeah. He's nailing it. Cool. Don't blow this. I think that a good solution to this is if you guys go out to an expensive restaurant, you pay.

But the next time you guys go out for kebabs or whatever, be like, hey, I got dinner last night. Why don't you get this? You run the risk of patronizing him that way, though. You know what I mean? He knows the fucking deal. You think he knows? He knows the rules of the game. Get a little win. Yeah. Like, that to me would be more... I would be a little more like, don't trick me. Like, I know what's going on here. Don't try and... Don't condescend to me. Don't condescend to me a little bit, you know? Where it's like, I personally think...

Um, you, I would either not say anything because it seems like things are fine or you could be like, Hey, just so you know, I'm happy to continue going 50 50, but I'd let, you know, if you, I, I'd let, you know, I can pick up some more stuff. Uh, you know, whatever you want to do. I don't know. I'm like, especially if you've been, been in this relationship for three years, um,

you know, it's your past to like honeymoon hiding shit face from each other. You can, you can, you can, you know, hopefully. Right. So it's like you got, maybe you still haven't gotten there, Nathan. You're still, you're still, we're 12 years in. I had a bunch of shit. She is not allowed to listen to this podcast. I got a few bank accounts. I have a lot of silver. I have a Disney plus subscription. I'm watching hella Simpsons. Yeah.

Also, 50% though could be, she could be like managing a pet co and he could be like picking up shifts bar backing. Right. Like it might not be a million dollars versus 500,000. It's probably 60 versus 30. Right. You know, so like that, that difference is huge in that moment, but that money goes a lot further for him than it does for you. So if you love him, I think you kind of got to just,

let it lie and i think you let it lie until maybe the next phase of seriousness in your relationship oh that's the answer bro you see if you love him and you want to move in then you get to have the frank conversation about who's paying for what yes and how and you know bring it up with nuance and tact but be like because you know in the past i've been i've i've fucking paid for our trip to cabo yeah yeah so like yeah why don't you pick up internet and electricity yeah yeah you know like that kind of thing

Yeah, I think right now where you're at, going 50-50 is already pretty like egalitarian. Sure, yeah. It's pretty much like, it's pretty modern of you, you know what I mean? So like, I think if and when, you know, there's a next step in the seriousness and you have actual, you're budgeting more than just meals, then you can maybe be like,

Maybe I can chip in a little more or like it's just or it just kind of fluctuates according to how much you guys are making Right, that's I don't know when I grocery shopping for one home. That's a great time to have the conversation Yeah, it's all these little things that he probably doesn't think about because he's so just lost in the fucking beauty of your eyes Yeah He's not like, you know, he's probably just like blissfully unaware totally, you know one I was gonna say if or because they still have their own places and

He's doing okay. So it's not like he's struggling. And so she probably doesn't have to worry about it. She said they're not big spenders. It's not like they're racking up crazy amounts of shit. Not 500 bucks like Ratchet, Mardi Gras. The bead getter. Yeah, I think he would probably... Or I was going to say, you said something earlier.

Like if she suggested something like a big, either a trip or something that costs much money, she could see how he reacts to that. Right. If he's like, ah, can't afford it. Right. I took a bath on fucking Ethereum. I went hard on, I thought it was going to be Raven's lines. Come on, man. Shut the fuck up about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, fuck you, dude. I'm sorry. I thought we were having fun. No. Certain things we don't. There's a sanctity. Yeah. We don't joke about the Ravens. We can talk about Zuckstein, the guy who's cut. All right.

But we can't talk about fucking Lamar coming up short. We can't talk about Todd Munkin's weird game plan. Why didn't we run the ball? Anyway. But yeah, I don't know. I feel like this is pretty... I feel like even when you were dating, you were pretty... Once it got kind of serious, you guys were in like a 50-50 zone. Yeah. Right? We made like pretty similar money, but I mean, yeah. If he's not...

If he doesn't seem like, you know, super hard-pressed for money and he's just fine and comfortable with it, you know, they are three years in, but it's just like...

I don't know, part of courtship. I agree. If it was me and like I was dating a girl who would make more, it'd make me feel pretty bad if she was like, hey, want me to get this dinner? Like every time we got dinner. Right, right, right. I don't know. I got to like. Yeah, realistically, she can bump it up to 60-40. Oh, yeah. But you don't want to be like, you know what I mean? You can't do any more than 50-50 is fine. Like, you know.

Whatever. Wait till the next round of seriousness. If it comes down to like rent and stuff, then it's like, okay, well, let's think about like our finances. Yeah, you can chip in a little more. Even rent split makes sense. Should I chip in a little more? Yeah, even rent split, maybe you get a couple more bills. Whatever. We got it. She's got it. Good luck.

Congratulations. That's the kind of partner you want to be with is a woman who's willing to have those kinds of conversations. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. She's thinking about it. When I first got with my wife, she was doing standup. She was in school and I would spend every dollar I had on making her feel, you know, like a pampered little princess. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And she liked that about me. Right. But then there was also the Fridays where I was like, Hey,

we have to eat beans. Yeah. Because I blew all of our money at Casa Bonita. Right. I'm sorry. Yeah, I was thinking after three years, I don't know, my wife and I pretty quickly shared everything. Like,

Like money, I moved in. Yeah. And like, you had nowhere to go. Well, you were splitting a twin bed with Sam. I was trying to steal him socks. Yeah. And he was like, no, I don't want them. I'm not a sock guy. But no, maybe that's something where it's like you don't keep the separate bank accounts. I know three years, you know, you could. That's a little early. Right.

It is, it is, and it depends on how hard they fell for each other. She's not getting shit hosed out of her dungarees. You know what I mean? You needed that. You needed a woman to look after you. I think most people want a little more space. That's just my guess. All right, let's see what else we got, LD. Hey, Stav, eldest and guest. Call him Dave because I'm not sure what to do about this.

Woman I've been talking to we've been talking on and off. Why is Joe para calling you? We met up one time someday because I'm not sure what to do about this woman I've been talking to we've been talking on and off for like years at this point. She's been super avoidant about meeting up For you met up one time total babe, not a catfish, etc. I

And, you know, everything flowed pretty nicely, but we're both pretty shy people. So it was just dinner and then we parted ways. It was back in July. And, you know, we'd still been talking, video chatting, you know, sending some pics back and forth, you know. And it's been good, but she's just super avoidant about meeting again. And, you know.

We're both into each other. You're into her. She is a smoke show. 10 out of 10. Pretty thin. Big cans. Nice. Me? I'm fat as shit. Yes. But the thing is, she's into that. She's into that. She dated some guys that are pretty big, but not as big as I am. But she tells me that she's very, very into this. Very into me. Oh, man. Pause this. Oh.

The fact that she's telling him that is like, come on, you'd really fuck a guy like me? And she's like, yeah, I'm into it. I like fat guys. Like, the fact that she had to tell him is not a good sign. No, no, no. The lady does protest too much. But keep going, keep going. This is... I'm still out of sorts with this call. What I need to know is what can I do? Like, how do I reel it in? I want to, you know... I don't know about wife, but like...

Want to see you again? How can I get my dick sucked? I've been putting up with on-again, off-again video chatting for three years. Now I don't know if I'm ready to commit.

How do I get a little pussy pie so that this wasn't a waste of my fucking time? I love it, man. I mean, salute. I'm with you. I mean, I'm yelling at him because I hear myself. That's really what it is. I'm mad at myself. As you do. Hard not to. Finish the call, Elders. For context, you know, 5'11", about 400 pounds. Respect. Fat as shit.

But she's into that. Love that. Or so she claims. Stav, I need your help, man. I know you've pulled some excellent, excellent women. We do have a nice group of... What can I do? Well, here. Please help me. Three fat men that have fucked hot women. Yeah. The producer's chair's a little spotty on his resume.

Maybe a little more of the getting blown outdoors. A little more of that style of lady in the wind. No, Eldest has bedded some beautiful women, but there have been a couple other ones in the process. There was a tough first year or two. Yeah.

He was just trying to get his footing in New York City, man. Your rogues gallery. There's a couple penguins, some clay faces. Oh, yeah. Heavy on the penguins.

Let's just say if you were facing Eldis' roster the first year he was in Brooklyn, if you had to go against them, they'd be a pretty formidable defensive line. Physical. They'd be pretty tough to block. They're running a 3-4. Stepping on hands when they're getting up. A lot of speed rushers coming off the edge. A lot of run stuffers. A lot of Vince Wilforks in the mix.

Anyway. Okay. This. Go ahead. I wondered how big he was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so for him to be that big. That's pretty fucking fat. I mean, I'm fat as shit. Yeah, we haven't sniffed 400. Yeah, yeah. Maybe she found her like fat threshold. She's like, I like guys in the 250. Yeah, 250. What is this guy, a waif? Yeah. 250. What are we doing? Timothy Chalamet? Yeah.

Like guys in the up to 315 range. 320, 325. I like to make the guys get in a hot tub and measure the amount of water that came out. Okay, so there's a lot of weird shit going on here. They've been on again. They've been talking for a while, on again, off again, he says. Right. Right.

They met up one time. He said for years at this point. They're video chatting. They're whatever. And let's say she's into fat guys, whatever. God bless her. And respect. Absolutely. I mean, she is, huh? Maybe I ought to talk to her for you. Maybe.

Maybe you send me your info. Maybe I can put in a good word for you, chief. Video chat. One-on-one. You and her, and then you report private to him. Yeah. It'll be like Mad Men where after therapy they called the husbands to tell them what the wives said. But it'll be me just kind of warming her pussy up for you. Priming the pump. Yeah. Let's work our way up to 400. Let's get her a nice 320. Okay, so...

I think I know what it is, man. Go ahead. What do you think? I think that he is constantly available to her. Whenever she texts, he answers right away. Whenever she calls, he's right there for her. She's probably out living this big wildlife, getting it in. Getting slammed by defensive tackle after defensive tackle. I think that when she needs to feel pretty...

Or like she matters, she calls him up and he's right there. Yeah, and for you, you keep saying like we're both into each other. We don't, from where I'm standing, I don't know that about her. No. I know that you are, right? And I also, there's a hint of, and look, this whole panel has been where you are about being a little insecure, about being too fat for the hot girl.

Tale as old as time. We've, you know, we've gotten through it. We've persevered, but it's affected all of our lives in the past. And so I really think, I think, Sam, we've got similar reads on the situation where I don't know how available you are, buddy, but like, I think you need to kind of set a very clear line in the sand here and be like, you need to ask her out. You need to be like, let's meet up.

I'd love to take you out again. This is fun. Video chatting is fun. But I'm looking. I'd like to take you out on a couple more dates and see if there's something real in person here. And if she says no, you have to accept that. And you cannot go back and...

And look, there's a chance if you stand your ground, she comes back, right? There's a chance you showing a little backbone finally works for you. And that's happened to me a couple times. A couple times where a girl was like, oh, I don't know, maybe we should just be friends. And I was just like, we're not gonna, I don't wanna be friends. Like, I want something else. If you don't want that, no problem. And I meant it. And I really did. And it was tough, but I, you know, it's tough for like a week or whatever, but it's like,

I ended up dating one of those girls and I ended up, you know, that happened a couple times. And listen,

A couple more times, it did not go my way, and that hurts. But you win some, you lose some, brother. That's fat guy fucking a hot girl roulette. If you're batting 40%, that's nice. You're Ted Williams, bro. You're in the Hall of Fame. But you have to be prepared to let this go. You have kind of desperately kept contact just enough, because I think you're right. The more we're talking it through...

The more I think you're right, dude. It's not only that he's available, but it's like she won't meet up with him, but he's like, okay, how about we FaceTime? Right, yeah. You know what I mean? He's kind of keeping it alive, and you can't do that. You have to see what you actually have here and see if she really is into you. And...

I think you're scared, as many fat guys talking to hot women are, of losing her completely. But I got bad news. You don't got her right now. What you have now is more torturous than a firm no and moving forward. You can't reel her in because she's not on the hook. Yeah. You're standing by the pond. Totally. But that's all you got. Sometimes her tail flaps out of the pond. You see it for a second. Knock, knock.

And then she goes back into the fucking water. Sometimes when you FaceTime her by the pond, one of her boobs slips out of her tank top. And that keeps you alive. That keeps you from family annihilating. And you keep thinking about putting your cock in her fish pussy or whatever. We're sort of losing the metaphor here. Under the sea, under the sea. You're Sebastian. She's Ariel. You're Fox. I'm sorry, bro.

So, yeah, dude, but you just have to ask her out, firm, whatever, and be firm about it, too, and be like, hey, what are we doing here? I'd love to take you out in person. I can't really keep doing this kind of on-again, off-again thing. I want to see if there's something here. Right. It probably didn't help that you ate the tablecloth when you guys did go to dinner. You want to stop doing that. Yeah, the chair broke in half. I'm curious if they're in the same city, because they...

If she's not meeting up and they're in the same city... No, you're right. There's not... We can give her... She's not looking for much. That's a great point. I sort of assume they're maybe in the same metro area and it might be a little annoying to meet up. That's my assumption. She's in Denton. He's in Dallas type of thing. Right, right, right. But if you're in the same city, you're FaceTiming and you're not meeting up, that's already a sign. So you just have to get your nuts as fat as your gut and

and fucking plump them up and just fucking actually stand up for yourself, brother. You've got nothing to lose. Nothing to lose. You're a stranger in a strange land. Leave it all on the field, dude. Yes, leave it all on the field. And we believe in you. And if it's not her, there'll be another one, my brother. We're rooting for you, dude. We are rooting for you. He's 5'11", 400, not 5'4".

400. There's hope. He's not literally the penguin from the second Batman. He doesn't get around town by rolling like a hedgehog. Or a critter. He's not a little critter. He's not a critter. Alright, good luck, brother. Honestly, update us. I am an

Baltimore County sellout like Elvis and actually also a Carver Center alumni. And I'm just calling because I need some advice on getting over a hot, sexy, big, fat Greek man like yourself. Not going to happen, sweetheart. You're ruined for life. Waterhole's been poisoned.

we're all fucked and I think everyone calling the podcast probably has something going on, but, uh, I was best friends with this girl and she was dating this guy, big, hot Greek man. And, uh, they approached me for a threesome and then it started getting really serious. And, uh,

Oh, what the fuck? Wow. Is this your friend's boyfriend? Oh, shit.

Big shit show, but basically I am NOT over this man, and she's horrible. I mean he manipulated me he manipulated her Clearly he's lying here and I also feel

This guy's the victim. Pause. These American whores are parading their pussies around this guy. And it's his fault he fucked them both?

What do you want, man? You put fucking meat in front of a tiger. It's going to fucking chomp at you. Yeah, he's going to shoot through the cage. You can't wag your stinky pussy around a big fat Greek guy and not expect him to fucking suck on your clit like it's a dolma. All right, sorry. So go back a little bit. Let's give her a little...

Clearly he's lying here And I also feel pretty bad because the girl fucking hates me She called me a cunt and like wants nothing to do with me. Fair. The shoe fits. Yeah, I don't know. I just kind of felt like he was perfect for me and he treats me like shit though like he moshes my best friend on tinder right after him and his girlfriend broke up so like

I don't know. I just need you to promise, man, for me or like help me with some advice on how to get over that because it's been bad. Okay. Love you guys. And I hope that this gets answered. All right. Bye. I mean, how low is your self-esteem, baby girl? Like this guy's a piece of... I mean, you know it though. The thing is, she's told us everything and she's been pretty clear about what happened. This guy clearly...

I mean, let's just say for a second, finesse lord. This guy. I mean. Riz God. Listen, there's a... We're watching... It's like... It's like... It's like it is like a little bit of like, yes, he's the villain in her story, but in his story, he's like the hero that saves the village. You know what I mean? There's a hero in that village. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There is a little bit of that where it's like, you know... Anyway, but like...

He definitely, you're right, he manipulated both of you. The, like, approach you for a threesome. Also, I'm kind of, it's kind of crazy he didn't just have the threesome. Yeah. His biggest tactical error was not just having the threesome and then, of course, it was going to fall apart from there. But he clearly talked his girl at the time into that. She didn't want to do it. But then you did fuck, like, let's also be honest. You did fuck, you fucked him, not in a three-way. Outside the rules. Outside the rules. And it was a friend of yours, right? Mm-hmm.

Best friend. No, no, I think that's a different best friend. This is just a friend. And then he matched with her other friend on Tinder. Work colleague. Um...

What did he say? Best friends. Yeah, best friends. I was best friends with this girl. Oh, okay. So a different best... I mean, sounds like she's a little fast and loose with the term best friend. If there's two best friends just in this story that this fat guy's trying to fuck. But anyway, whatever. Like, you obviously have some, you know, you were at fault partially here. The friend who's called you a cunt. Again, let's look at her perspective first.

Like, this is basically three different movies. And, like, you know, like, in her story, you are also a villain. And the idea of, like, getting over this guy, though, is like, what do you mean? It's pretty easy. If you're having trouble getting over him, you have deep-rooted shit you need to take care of. You need to, like, this is, you know, we're a pro-therapy show here. And I always think it's important to go into therapy early.

Not generally, but to work on specific things that you want to figure out, like whether it's family stuff, whether it's, you know, you know, people pleasing, whatever. And for you, it's like,

It is relationships. I mean, you could go in with this guy and talk about what is it about a person like this who manipulated me, who turned me against my friend, who probably on some level that was part of the attraction, you know, like you probably there was there was something hot and weird and psychosexual about it that you maybe are ashamed of, but you still can't get over.

Because you have a pretty cogent read on the situation. She knows what she's talking about. You're aware of what's happening, but yet you're still letting yourself get hurt. Right. And if that's the case, then this is like way deeper and psychological here. And it's something you're going to have to examine at length. And it's not something we can tell you how to solve over the phone. Look, I know he can pit an olive with his tongue.

That gets old after a while. That seems like the way she describes knowing it's fucked up makes me think of a lot of shows, movies, where if...

The characters are meant to be together. They go through some shit. Right. So she's excusing a lot of stuff because she might think that they're supposed to be together. There's some narrative thing. Right. Bigger picture or you have to go through some shit and then you end up stronger together, you know, and that's not real. No. It's like not really how shit goes. No. This is the start of what would continue to be him being shitty. Sure.

Almost for sure. So, yeah, she's got to wake up and realize, yeah, this is not cute. This is not act one. And then act two, he comes to her in the rain. It's like, no, he's a dickhead. No, no, no. It's a Greek piece of shit. Well, again...

Quiet. They all are. The man can't help himself. He's a natural pussy getter. But yeah, like, yeah, truly. It's three different movies, again, where it's like, the friend is like a story of ultimate betrayal, right? For her, it's like this weird romance. And for this guy...

This is a part of a montage of girls he's fucked and the movie's about him becoming a good boxer or something. He's not even thinking about these women. He's opening an ice cream truck. It's about a story about a man that is running a successful diner and there was a three-minute montage of all the pussy he got. And then he's lifting weights for double that. And then he's finding a way to get...

He found a loophole in gyro meat costs that made his family millionaires. He's not even thinking about you at all. I promise you. Look, we sell it as soup blocky, but it's not pork at all. So yeah, you got to go to therapy about this. If I had to guess, you got some fucked up family, dad stuff. I mean, this is super armchair quarterback stuff.

psychotherapy right now and it's kind of hack but it is I do find a lot of this stuff is kind of 85% of the way there but I don't know that go talk to somebody to figure out your stuff because this is clearly an issue in how you relate in your you know romantic relationships we've all been swindled by a Greek it's not their whole thing it ain't the first time it ain't the last time yeah you're a note in a long song baby

Fat Greeks have been fucking hot women. They have no business since they were taking a break from fucking other men at the Olympics. They've been fucking women. I do envy that you're an ethnic fat. That's a lot better. Thanks, man. Yeah. Yeah, it is much better for sure. A little tan olive oil fat. Oh, yeah.

What do we got else? Is it time to do a nice fun one or should we do a couple more? Yeah, do we have like raped at a nursing home or anything? We have at least two more that aren't too kind of fun, not too crazy. Let's do it. Hi, Stavi. Love the pod. I am a mother of one and a half-year-old living here in Maine.

And really the problem that I am having is with my in-laws. They're super, super kind people. My mother-in-law is a nurse and my father-in-law is a retired state trooper. And they are the kindest people in the world. Love them to death more, honestly, sometimes more than my own parents.

But the issue that we're having is that they're having some like serious marriage problems right now. Like it's becoming almost painstakingly like obvious. Like when we have family gatherings, like my mother-in-law will make like a passive aggressive comment or my father-in-law will say something and like she'll have an issue with it. And it's

It's becoming super obvious, and they're Christians, so they're kind of like that old school ones that don't really believe in therapy, but kind of do. Okay. I have good relationships with them individually. I just don't know, like, if I should say anything to them or, like, how I would even...

Begin to say something just because at this point it's starting to affect other people Like I said, like it's becoming super awkward Or if I just shut the hell up because it's really none of my business Anyways, thanks so much Elvis and the guests and everything. Appreciate it. Bye

All right. Interesting. This is, I mean, you guys have in-laws. I kind of have to defer to you guys. If you were in this position where your in-laws were having marital problems, how would you react? Like, what do you think is appropriate? Yeah.

A lot of time in the shed. Doing a lot of prep work in the kitchen. The onion dice could be smaller. This is none of your business, God bless you, for thinking that it is and that you want to help. You've got to be there for your partner in this situation. Talk with them. There's no way that you bring this up to these proud Christians who don't believe in therapy. That's not your fucking dog to fight.

I kind of agree about if there's anything you can do, it's through the lens of your partner. It's like, like it's that if anything, they're the one who should, they're the person that should deal with it. And you can support, you know, your husband or wife or whatever the fuck, I don't know if she said, and support them. And like,

You know, that's all you can do. But you shouldn't spearhead this. No chance you should spearhead this. That was my hunch, and I feel like you guys sort of, you know, I think that's the consensus around the room with the married people. I think so. I think there is something to, like, just because she's a woman...

I could see like maybe not even her going to the mother and asking her, but like, you know, let's say it's just them in a room one night after a little family gathering or something and the mom starts opening up. Sure. But even then, you know. Well, if someone opens up to her, I think it's different. They confide in you. Then you're in the game. Then they've put you in the game. But you don't spearhead. No.

No. The opening up. You don't ask her, what's going on with fucking Jim, Martha? You know what I mean? I noticed you guys were being real dickheads to each other. What's up with that? Yeah, no. Because if you bring it up and she says, what are you talking about? We've never been more in love. Right. What do you mean? Did he say something? Right. You know? Like, if they're just cold Midwesterners who don't show each other affection and that's been their established paradigm forever, then you can only do damage. Right.

I wondered about that too until she said, I think that it's gotten worse. Right. So maybe it's not. Because like I remember when I was a kid, I asked my mom, I was like, are grandma and grandpa okay? Because like they would snap at each other. And it was like, do they hate each other? And she was like, no, no.

And I don't think they did hate each other. It's just you're together for 50 years or whatever. They might have. A little maybe. My grandparents legitimately did hate each other. My dad's parents really did. And it was fucked up going to Greece. And they were like screaming at each other. And I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like as a little kid, I was like, what the fuck is going on? And so sometimes these old couples do get to the point where it's like, I see where she's coming from because it's like,

It could affect her kids. You know what I mean? Like, no joke, it affected me. Like, it was a fucked up thing to see, like, how much they hated each other. And I was like, what? Like, and it kind of... So, I don't... But at the same time, I do find it a little curious that she didn't mention her husband or wife at all. Right? Like, these are your in-laws. So, it's like, is it possible that the caller here is picking up on it in a way that no one else is? I mean... Because, again, to me...

It does feel like it should be the kid of these people that's dealing with this. Right. And you need to be their backup, but not like, you know... And so it's like, is her partner just not this kind of person? Are they oblivious even? So to me, it's like, I would start there and then if anything happens, it's because they want to deal with the situation, but...

Yeah, ultimately, it does feel like the kind of thing you can't read. You don't want to be too pushy about. But I don't know. Then again, each my in-laws and I would never, ever dare broach this time. This is this is red wire, blue wire. Right, right, right, right, right. I don't think that you want to step into that.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes it is like, I agree. And I guess that's the thing. It would take an exceptional relationship with these people for you to be the person to deal with this. If he spits in her face, maybe you can be like in the ride home. Like, that was kind of weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dad spit on your mom. That was a bit strange. And then you put that cigarette out on her. And then he quotes, you know, the book of...

or whatever. And it's like, hey, I'm allowed. That's the book about sucking dick. The book of fellations. Yeah, well, I think I mixed a couple together. Yeah, I think there's Galatians. Galatians? But fellation sounds like the fellatio, like a village that sucks each other off. That was a John and Michael film. Yeah. The Ephesians? Ephesians, Galatians, I think. Yeah. But whatever. Fuck the Bible. Yeah, fuck it.

But yeah, they're probably not going to get divorced and they're not going to go to therapy, so it's not on you. But she also said they kind of... There's a lot of gray area here, and I would just love to know what your husband or wife is thinking here. They didn't come up at all in this call, unless I missed it. Did she talk about it early? No. So yeah. Anyway, that's our advice. Good luck out there. You got something nice for us, Eldo? Hey, Stav, Eldos, guests. I think this is a pretty quick one, but...

I recently got an email from an ex who was like, "Hey, I know things ended roughly and I hope you're doing well." And this is like weird because I started dating somebody like six months ago and like this chick was really manipulative, had a blocker. Like I think that's why she sent me an email as opposed to like a text or whatever.

Um, but there's a part of me that wants to be really petty and be like, yeah, I'm fucking doing well. And then there's another part of me that was like, just leave it alone. Don't let lying dogs sleep. Um, but I don't know if I just fire back at this chick. Um, she doesn't live near me. We live at like, I'm in Chicago. She lives in the area. So, um,

Maybe she would find me. I don't really know. But I appreciate any help. Take care, folks. I mean, this is such a no-brainer. You don't respond to this. Fuck no. You're already in a better place. Don't spike the football. You've been dated. It's just like...

If you send something sassy, you're going to look like a bitch. Yeah. And it's going to be like corny as fuck. She'll be like, oh God, why'd I even reach out to this loser? Yeah. But either way, I mean, just you don't want to open up the communication, especially if she's like the kind of dumb bitch you had to block on everything. For sure. Like you are taking her bait. What she wants is one way or another a response. You're doing the, you are doing the best thing. It's clearly eating this bitch alive if she went through her Gmail to get to you. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Like she's tried, she's tried, but you're blocked. You're like, you have to maintain your, you know, self-control here. And also like,

What could you really say that would be satisfying? It is email. There's no good way to sound badass in email. Just fucking... You're doing it, bro. You're dating somebody else. You're a pastor. You've blocked her on everything. Do not take the bait. That would be fucking stupid. He could attach a picture to the email of him like...

Thumbs up at a luau or something. At a luau? That's like the coolest thing. Lake Michigan. He's in Chicago. He's at the lake. That would be a funny thing to do is just like a really long update. Like, yeah, shit's fucking awesome here. Just a couple places I've been. My life's actually been so awesome without you. My blood pressure's better. Blood pressure's better. One thing that jumped out to me is if she's blocked on everything but she's hitting him up,

She had somebody look at his stuff. It's so easy to have a friend see that he's doing all right, and she's in a bad place, so she reaches out to try to fuck with it or whatever. Put doubt in his head about the current. Should I go back to her because she cares enough to reach out? Whatever. There's a bit of that in this.

Yeah. There's a bit of, well, if I respond, maybe the door is still open. Absolutely. You know what it was, man? It was hell. Why are you going to walk back through the gates and burn something? Email from an ex, never good. No.

It's either the most pathetic, you're like so desperately like, just one more thing, just no subject, Ari, you know, Ari, Ari, Ari, no subject. And now I'm done and like whatever, but like we could have been something special and I'm not saying I want that, but do you want? But I'm not. Even if you wanted, I almost certainly wouldn't want. You know what I mean? Even if you wanted it really bad. It's pathetic. Yeah. It's either pathetic and it's like, it's just...

You're it's like this is like inviting a vampire back in like inviting a vampire into your home. Oh, for sure. The responding is like now the rules are she can fuck your shit up. Big, huge, big dickery is actually blocking her on email as well because you can't do that. And that would be awesome. And that would be petty. Yeah. If you want to do something petty, that's the most petty I'm allowing you to go is block her on email. But the best move is don't respond.

A funny move would be sending her like a really religious reply, like as if you found God. May God bless you and I'm so blessed these days and may your family have a bountiful, you know, I'm so happy that I have found true happiness and I hope that you can join me in the kingdom of heaven one day. Like some weird shit. That could be fun. I'll be keeping a pew warm for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That could be fun and then like sending her a link to like, you know, a

volunteer work that you're claiming you do. And that could be funny because if she's really insane, she might show up at a soup kitchen that you're just playing, you know, Madden. Obviously, you're not there. You know what I mean? But you could do that. But no, I say...

I say just let sleeping dogs lie is exactly correct. Let lying dogs sleep, as he said. Is that what he said? Yeah, he fucked it up. I like the end of it because he's like, she doesn't live near me. I'm in Chicago. She's in the area. But maybe she would find out. She would drive by and see me and my new girl, lady in the tramping spaghetti. He wants...

He wants her to know that he's doing good. There is a little... You just... He's also like... But it's like you know. He's also titillated by the thought of just being like, fuck you. My life's awesome. Right, right. Which is not... It never ends up as cool as you think it's going to be. Yeah, if you respond with like a video of you on a jet ski wearing a chain while shooting a gun in the air, like that's another cool way. Yeah, just respond with sex tape. That would be funny if you're getting your dicks sucked. You're like...

Fucking bitch. He's holding the middle finger up like this too.

Yeah, dude, don't do it, you little dummy. Yeah, you're doing better. She'll find out that you're doing good when you're on the news. When you're on the news for getting your dick sucked at a fucking Bass Pro Shop jet ski that they had on display. Or like winning a hot dog eating competition. All right, well, is that going to do it for us? Is that the one we go out on?

I think so. I love it. Well, guys, thank you. This is so fun. It was a pleasure. Truly, truly fun. Go guys. Watch both specials. We got Mr. 9,500 right here. Let's get soups on up to 9,500. And, uh, the toads morale. And we also, of course, chubby behemoth, a name I am legitimately jealous of an incredible, incredible name. Uh,

Listen to it all. And yeah, leave us a nice review here on Stobbies World. Subscribe to the YouTube if you haven't. Subscribe to the audio on iTunes or Spotify if you haven't. And give us a nice five stars. And we will see you guys next week. Bye-bye.