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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve all your problems.
This is a joyous day. It's Greek Independence Day today, fellas. Oh. Yep. Put your hat back on. You don't get to pay respects to the great Greek nation. Doesn't look like you're paying much respects either. The first Ian bomb of the day, folks. We're on the board.
Woo! Greek Independence Day. So I had to bring the two people that the Italians, the Romans stole everything from us, and a man who lives his life as homosexual as the ancient Greeks. Mike Racine. Two people that both continue the Greek legacy in their own ways. Yes.
Ian and Mike. Two favorites, two Stavi's world, two Stavi world absolute faves. Both have, Mike's special just came out. What's it called? It's called I'm Normal. I'm Normal. You can watch it on. Get it right now on YouTube. Pause this right now. Go watch that. Give it a click. Give it a click, you animals. The guy's got a family. Check out the link in the bio.
I'm linking the bio. I do, and I would love it if you could just watch it. Yeah. Literally, please watch it. Mike's one of the funniest guys. Yeah, well, let's just say of the people on this couch...
Definitely watch Mike's special. One of the funniest guys. One of the funniest guys. In line with two funniest guys. And we've got another guy who I really love. He is so desperate for affection, he didn't realize I was shitting on his comedy by being like, one guy's funny, and I love this other guy. You know what? I did. I realized it's funny. It's funny.
I was like, that was really nice. I love you too, man. Thank you. When's your special coming out? Ian, you said you're, do you know yet or no? It is out. This is coming out. It is out. This is coming out.
When? Greek Independence Day, March 25th, as we all know. Oh, yeah. Then it's coming out on Ian Independence Day, April 4th. Oh, so we're right in the middle. Mike's just came out. Ian's is coming out next week. Yes. Two great specials from two great friends of mine. Ian Finance, Wild, Happy, and Free. YouTube.com slash B&E. I'm sorry. It's called Wild, Happy, and Free. Yeah. Are you a 42-year-old woman that just got divorced? Yeah.
Ian got a groove back. Yeah. You gotta be good. You gotta be bold. And if you really love the specials, guys, go to HomeGoods. You'll find a wooden sign with those words written on it as well. That's good merch. That's good merch. Ian's gonna go to the clearance rack at Marshall's and resell Wild, Happy, and Free. I swear to God, I was thinking about calling it Live Left. What?
That's good. That's good merch. Don't you sell people enough bullshit all the time? Yeah. What's your merch? What's the Ian merch store? My merch? Yeah, plug that, man. Fucking sick merch. Ian's like the peddler from Oklahoma. Yeah. I got fucking Marlboro shirts that say Fidance and on the back it's the Marlboro insignia and it says IF Sig Scott Katz.
And then I got shirts that look like suicidal tendencies. It says Ian Finance. I got a trucker hat on. It says Wild, Happy, and Free. That's awesome, dude. That's great. I got some other sick stuff. Go to coldcutsmerch.com slash Ian Finance. Coldcutsmerch. Who's that? Johnny Coldcuts. Johnny Coldcuts. Nice. The friend of yours, Mike? Yeah. Sounds like a fucking... Some fat wop. Oh, Joe DeRosa is doing your... Joey Coldcuts. Joey Coldcuts.
He's doing your merch too. God, I can't wait. I would love to see the usurious rates Ian is paying from johnnycoldcuts.com. What? He's probably taking 70% of your merch. Dude, if I pay 40 bucks for a shirt, I net. Fuck.
I'm just guessing. No, no, no. That's just my guess. No, it's good. That's good. All right. Point rescinded. Yeah. Ian, I got a great idea. We'll sell beer koozies with your name on them. I'll take 75. What's your merch? My merch? I had t-shirts for a little bit that I was selling just through email. You know, I was doing it kind of old-fashioned. You're still selling pasta sauce? No, not really. That was awesome, though. That was useful. Thanks. My heart's not really in it anymore. Of course. It's kind of a pain in the ass. You're out of the pasta sauce game? I'm out of the pasta sauce game. You can't ship pasta sauce. It's hard to ship, yeah. Ah.
That's tough. What happened, man? What was the end of the pasta sauce for you? I think I just got tired of carrying the jars around. It was a lot. I do remember you selling them at Funny Moms. You just double parked your car. Come on, everybody. Pop the trunk in these fucking like these like, you know, come down. Fans were like, thank you, Mr. Racine. Thank you for your basil sauce. Those were good times, man.
Good sauce. I had a jar myself. Very good sauce. Very good sauce. Got it from you at the creek years ago. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's beautiful, man. Memories. Let me ask you this, Ian. Why did you feel the need to... When did you leave your house? Here we go. Well, it's just... Here we go. Let's get into it. Let's get into it. It's one thing... Go ahead.
The moment you walked into my home, you started shitting. You needed to shit. Which feels like... Have you been out all day? I have. Where were you before this? Podcasting. And whose facilities were you at before this? My podcast. Your person? So you were at your house? I was at my house!
You're putting shit in your own house, man. In Ian's defense, the bathroom at Gas Digital is disgusting. Oh, yeah, you live there. That's right. You know where I live, DK. You're on the podcast. Some say too often. Anyway, I...
Dude, I got an hour and a half of sleep. I could not sleep last night. I woke, I fell asleep at 8.30. I woke up at 10. I woke back up again. You come from your house and you shit in my house immediately. Yeah, because we left. I met him. Don't give me this. No, I will give it to you. The first thing I had to eat today. Stop, he took a shit in my car too.
Well, Benny had his. He used my toddler body. I had yogurt and I had string cheese and too much coffee. And I felt like I was going to get sick in his car to turn the window down and just pull it down. And what about you? But why? What stopped you from shitting in your home? All I'm asking. Because.
I didn't have to shit at my house. It hit me when I got here because I had some cigarettes flowing, some coffee. And also, let me reverse Uno you. How come you don't have any toilet paper? Because I'm running a fucking podcast here, not a port-a-potty business. For yourself. A man of your stature should have toilet paper. You think I'm giving you my personal supply? You don't even have a personal supply. I went through the closet. There's no personal. You don't know that.
You don't know where my toilet paper is. I'm trying to dissuade you. I'm trying to stop you from shitting in my home. No, no, no, no. This was not just because Ian's coming over, hide the wares. This was an unkempt... First of all, you don't need to know whether I have toilet paper or not. I know you don't. You've been here two minutes and you're shitting in my fucking house. And also, it looks like you've been plucking chicken feathers on your couch. Nice, man. That's a good joke that everyone will be able to get. What...
What does that mean, Ian? There's feathers all over your couch. I have goose down. All right, so a couple feathers came out. You don't shit in a man's home five minutes into getting there unless you come right off the road. You came from your... Well, maybe he didn't want to interrupt the podcast.
Yeah. He just could have shit in his house. I immediately quit podcasting in my place and went to meet Mike and then came here. It is an innocuous thing that you're picking out to rip me on. It's 1.30. Yes. 1.30. You had to go back to back. I didn't take a shit when I woke up. I woke up immediately with people at my house to do the fucking podcast because I couldn't sleep. Mr. Empathy. I'm not Mr. Empathy. I've never claimed it.
to be Mr. Ember Lake. Hey, just a little tip. If you need toilet paper, don't get the toilet paper from Trader Joe's. It's cheap, but I've never had more doo-doo all over my hands. Ew. That's tough. It doesn't work. It rips. I hate the sandpapery. That's one thing I do for the finest toilet paper in the world. Also, I'm a bidet guy these days. Are you? Because you don't have one here. Yeah, that's the Ian bathroom. Yeah, first of all, you had to shit...
There's no good one for you. I showered in that bed. Yeah, exactly. It's inside my shit. And you know what? Yeah, fuck you, Ian. You overuse my facilities every time you're here. And by the way, the last time you were like, I'm going to go on a date, and then you didn't go. You just showered for no reason in my house. He canceled.
So he just took a shower in my house and then went to your house afterwards. So the last few times you've been here... And he injured him of me showering and getting to my phone. I then found out that she canceled the date. Oh, fuck you, dude. Don't say her name. Now, do you think this is God trying to tell you you're having too much homosexual sex? The funniest thing is I have not been having hom...
For a while. Sex with a woman with a penis is not homosexual. Okay. Okay. Okay. That's fine. We'll give you that. We'll give you that. Is that what you're wrong? Is that the vibe you're on these days?
A little while ago. A little while ago. Yeah, whatever. Nice, dude. Oh, when's this coming out? Yeah, yeah. But the time is out. Ian will have completely relapsed on male cum. There's no relapse. You're right. I'm not off it. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. Anyway, yeah. So you shit. Look, hey, I'm sorry for assuming we were friends and I could go to the bathroom in your house. It's just to immediately shit is kind of like, you know.
No kayfabe. To come from your... No kayfabe. Don't say that. No jokes. No, like, for the pot. Is that a rude thing to do? There's no bid. There's no bid. I'm really mad at you for really just shitting in my house. Really? I'm sorry. You came right from your house and then shit in my house. Didn't say hello. You come in... I thought you complimented me on your smooth skin. You come in... He answers the door shirtless. Like...
You think I don't think it's okay to shit in your house with the way you answered the door? Your shirt was in your underwear. You just woke up from a hibernation. I was wearing pants. I was wearing shorts. Barely. You're either wearing shorts or you're not. What, were they hanging off my cock? Yeah. Anyway, to immediately come in from your house and shit within moments and then come out, where's your toilet paper?
Bad move, man. I honestly, I didn't think it was that bad of a move because A, we're friends. B, when you got to go, you got to go. You would understand. We're all guys. Why would I understand? Because you're a person. You're a human. You understand that if you go to the bathroom, you got to go to the bathroom. Whatever, man. We can table this discussion. See, this is why I wear diapers. Mike's been sitting himself this whole time. Can we get a ruling from Mike and then Eldis? I'm going to shit my diapy mid-pop. How do you feel?
And also, I lit what toilet paper was left on fire to get rid of the smell because I'm fucking kind. Nice, man. And I didn't want anything to stink. Thanks, man. Yeah. Sorry. I have stomach issues. Can we get a ruling from Eldis and Racine? Yes.
I'm going to play devil's advocate for Ian. Thank you. There's many a time when I've had to come here really early to do work. And the first thing I do is go straight to the shitter. I think it's just more time. You put in eight hours here, though. Ian's here for two hours. Fifteen minutes of that he spends sitting. The first thing he did was walk in and take a shit. This is his job.
This is his fucking job. He comes in and he shits. I just came from a job to another job. We masquerade as fun truth tellers and the modern philosophers of the day. Who taught you masquerade? Who taught you the word masquerade, man? Under this facade of hee-hee's and ha-ha's.
And telling it like it is. I always remember that Ian used to teach children. Imagine how fucked those kids are where you're their English teacher. Well, they had to watch him shit every day. This was a different time. I was less wild, happy, and free than I am today.
Maybe there is a reason society represses some people. You know what I mean? I should be punished. You need the structure, Ian. This free society we're living in is not okay. Well, anyway, let's get to the matter at hand. Who's your favorite Greek Independence Day heroes, guys?
Who would you say is your number one? You know, there's Yorios Karaiskakis. There's Kolokotroni, of course, the general. Bubulina. And Spetses, who was, you know, donated some of her personal family's fortune. And then, of course, there's Lord Byron, the British probably bisexual homosexual man. That's my guy. That's my guy.
I love you, Lord Byron. Thanks for all you did. He was a poet and he loved ancient Greece so much he came from his lordship and went to Greece to help slaughter no good Turks. And so we saw him. I like that. Yeah, you're a Lord Byron guy probably. Ricas Fereos, of course, who kind of looks like me. Bring up R-I-G-A-S-F-E-R-O-S. You know all this off the top of your head? Yeah. That's really nice.
Fedeos. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, there's my... Kind of looks like me, right? Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. Wow. Does he also not have toilet paper? Maybe.
I like anybody who fights oppressive forces for their independence. That's right. Because then you have Western media lying about him saying that you raped him. At least I have the decency to keep my shit in the toilet. No, I agree with Mike. I agree. If the mainstream media was around right now, we'd be talking about... They'd be calling this guy a rapist. Yeah. Yeah.
All he's trying to do is get the Turks out of his motherland. Yes, exactly. We were indigenous to the territories that the Turks took over. So suck my dick, Ottoman Empire. Fuck you. We did it, baby. Yeah, there's a reason why we call the things we put our feet on Ottomans. I don't think it's taken from that. Yeah, dude.
Yeah, dude. I don't think it is. It's a little thing. I don't think it is, man. Subconsciously, it reminds you. Why are you doing a British accent? Uh...
Very good stuff, Ian. My jacket's coming off. Let's have fun. Take the jacket off, man. Take the jacket off. So that was like the 1700s that they... 1821. 1821. This guy died in 1798, it says. He was like a poet. His poetry was like... Well, it was also like... 1821 is when we first...
Kind of took a little land back, but the uprisings were kind of beginning in parts of Greece from all over the place. But March 25th, 1821, there was like a Greek federation that was like, suck our dicks, Turks. And then we got the, you know what I mean? Taking back what's ours.
They were doing a lot of fucked up shit in the... Absolutely. Right? Because the Armenian genocide was what, like 100 years later? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they were... And the lady that owns my daycare is Turkish. Uh-oh. No good. She's a real money grubber. No good. We should read some of his poems. Do you have any? I'm sure we can find some. I remember his big line was... Well, you know what's interesting? Greeks at the time...
The concept of modern Greece was kind of made up for exactly for the Greek independence. Like Greek independence. They considered them... Like we consider the Byzantine Empire, the Eastern Roman Empire, we consider that a separate empire. But they consider themselves Romans. So his poetry, he talks about how he's a Roman and he's going to die a Roman. He was like... I believe it was some of the... But I remember reading that and being like, why is he calling himself Roman? But...
Yeah, that was what... Because Greeks were just... Our culture was just all over the... We considered ourselves Romans because they stole all our shit. And the Byzantine Empire was an Orthodox empire. You don't think they made it a little better? Huh? You don't think they made it a little better? Nah. You don't think it was good? They acclimated to the place they went to? They acclimated? What do you mean? They learned the language? What are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? Wait, did they...
What are you talking about? No, no, you tried to do a little joke. Mike kind of knew what he was talking about. He's actually Italian. Now I'm a little confused. Yeah, of course you are. Yeah, what happened?
Anyway, the Eastern Roman Empire was a Greek, is an ethnically Greek empire. And the Greeks under Ottoman control considered themselves Roman. They didn't consider themselves Greek. It's so hard to be a Greek poet because what rhymes with souvlaki? You know, interesting, mounaki, which means pussy. Oh, yeah. A little pussy, yeah. So we actually have that ready to go. All right. Yep, yep. But you're right, man. That is difficult. Suck my own cocky.
Very nice. Very nicely done. So you have a Turkish daycare, huh? A little Munaki. It's a trifecta.
I didn't realize he died in Serbia. Interesting. So how's your son taking to daycare, bro? How old is he now? Three and a half? He's two and a half. Oh, two and a half. Oh, tell him the diaper thing. It's really funny. The diaper thing? Yeah. He's like peeing on the potty now. So the other day I said, yesterday I was like, hey, we got to put on underwear. And he was like, no. And I go, okay, you want to wear a diaper like a baby? And he goes, goo goo ga ga. Yeah.
We should get him in here. He's pretty funny. That is good. That's good. Damn, my man loves diapers, huh? Yeah, he's going through a little Ninja Turtle phase. That's pretty cool. That is awesome. Yeah. Who do you think his favorite turtle is? I'm going to say your son, Leonardo. Leonardo, yeah.
Pretty good. I was going to say Donatello. Oh, yeah? See that? I know Sun better and I barely have seen the kid. Yeah. I was a Raphael guy, personally. Were you? I was. Because revisiting it. A little attitude. Had the dagger shit. I was like, he could actually kill someone with those. He's dealing with a real weapon. Which I heard that Psy...
Sire like peacekeeping weapons. Yeah, but when you're a little kid, they look like daggers. They look like daggers, yeah. But they are, yeah, they're supposed to be, you're supposed to like disarm swords with them. Yeah. But like, when you're a kid, you're like, yeah, this guy could kill someone. Yeah. I'm re-watching it. He's a little cunty though. He is. He's a dickhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I think I like that. He was the one with attitude. He was. He had an anger problem. Yes. Yeah, yeah. You know, I like that. All the kids that chose to be. He was a closet homosexual. Yeah.
All you guys think about is chicks. Let's fucking practice karate for fuck's sake. No, I don't want to go out and talk to April. Let's all get oiled up and fucking wrestle so that we're ready to fight the hand. That's why he left. That's why he left them because he put on his trench coat to go cruising. Yeah. He was in a horrific cruising accident on the roof.
Yeah, dude. In the theme song of the cartoon, they make everyone out to be so cool, and then Donatello is like the brains of everything, and they just describe him by going, and he does machines, which is the dumbest sounding thing to say. He does machines, bro. He's the brains of everything. But when you're a little, when you're a two-and-a-half-year-old kid. You want to do machines. Oh, machines. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. My favorite was Donatello. Who'd you like? Michelangelo, hands down. I mean, even like revisiting the series, I'm like, he's awesome. He's eating pizza. See, to me, it felt like Michelangelo was like too easy. Everyone picked him because he liked pizza. No disrespect. No, I know, but there's a reason why everybody likes him, I think. That's what I think. That's also why I picked Raph because it was the like...
No one was... The Daggers were cool, but they also... He didn't really fuck anyone up with them, and he was kind of an asshole. And I do feel like you got a lot of... No one really picked him. Yeah. Eldis...
I just don't know the franchise that well. Wow. I remember. He was watching some Albanian knockoff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ninja raccoons. Yuri's poison frogs. Yuri's Jew killing frogs. We will take down the Jew from Albania.
We will use our sharp rocks to kill the Jew who takes money from us. Go, you, these Jew-killing frogs. You, these Jew-killing frogs. Instead of shredder, it's lender. Lender.
We will banish them from the hills of Albania. Why are all of the enemies rats? I gotta say, nunchucks are not a great weapon. I was thinking that. I was trying to beat my wife the other night.
And the chain kept getting tangled. You couldn't really get a good twirl going. You're like, honey, just bear with me. Just stay where you are. Keep cowering. I'm going to eventually figure this out. I ended up with more bruises than her. Ow!
But two katanas versus nunchucks, it's kind of like a big disadvantage. That's true. Yeah, but the staff I felt was the most conservative weapon because you could keep people at bay and also whack them from behind, hit them and everything. That seemed like the best for fighting multiple guys at once. Totally, totally. But I mean, you combine the four. Maybe he's the gay one. He's like, stay away from me, girls. And the easiest thing to put up your ass.
It's like, why is there a suction cup at the end of your staff? I'm sharpening my weapon. Leave me alone. Yeah, we're due for a gritty reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Dude, I like that frog. We should maybe try to sell that. Yuri's Jew-killing frogs. Yes.
The number one children's show in Albania. Yuri becomes the president of Albania.
That would be cool. Slobodan Bashkim. Angel Islam. Together we make the Yuri Killing Frog. I'm not really familiar with the franchise. How the fuck did you not know the Ninja Turtles? I watched it when I was a kid. I honestly don't remember much about it except the pizza looked awesome. The pizza looked awesome. And...
I think it's the reason to this day I like pepperoni mushroom pizza. Because the mushrooms, I was not a mushroom-liking kid. They always had. But they just looked so cool. And I remember the first time I requested mushrooms, and they came out like little chopped up black ones. And I was like, mushrooms are gray bell-shaped things. I was like, this is bullshit. They did a lot of...
Really bad things for the anchovy industry. That is true. Could not get me to try anchovies. I love anchovies, though. But they are good. They're great. I'm obsessed with anchovies. They're good now. I hated them because of the turtles. I agree. That is a mark of shame. If we could take a little break from the comedy and do a little Rustin's Food Corner. Please. A little baguette with some butter and some anchovies. Nothing wrong with that. It's a great snack. Or you get a nice anchovy in oil, in olive oil with garlic. Okay. Just smear those fuckers on a little something. I eat those like I'm Jabba the Hutt. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
No, they're delicious. Pretend they're alive. Oh, do you? Yeah. Shut up. Well, I bet if I had diarrhea. Yeah, I bet if I shit every fucking house I went to. If I was having complications from ACT and shitting constantly, too, I would be able to keep a finger. Medical bills are through the roof.
I do love how self-conscious you are about being fat, Racine. The second you gain any weight, you're like, you know, you really do. You talk about your tits all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have a... I don't know how to lean into it. Yeah. Which is a shame. You're already in dad mode, you know. That's part of it. I know. I keep thinking that maybe there's a chance of being like a hot guy.
Yeah, why do you want that, though? What's that? See, that's what's interesting to me, because I always, I figure if I was ever married and then had kids, it's like, I would never try and get at my hottest then, because then it's like, what's the best case scenario? You cheat on your wife? Right. You know what I mean? Well, you still have, like, I can be a hot guy,
with the size clothes you buy. Because a lot of the times you wear really tight-fitting clothes. It's like you're drawing attention to your tits, but you are an attractive guy. You just wear a little bag of your clothing until you lose the weight. The man is in a fucking 2XL hoodie right now. No, no, the last time I saw you was tight. But I think you're an attractive... I should do a little wigger face. Yeah, yeah. Dude, start wearing fucking South Pole. You know what? I did...
State property. I did find a Travis Kelsey jersey on the street the other day. It was like an XL, and I put it on. It was like, yeah, it fit me very loose. Yeah. I was like, this is awesome. Yeah, welcome to the XL brotherhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once you start hitting those Xs, it's tough to go back. Right. And it just grows. The Xs keep growing. Yeah, well, you feel like royal, you know? Mm-hmm. Absolutely. You feel like royalty. When it's draped over you, it feels nice. Yeah.
Yeah, so what you do, what would be like the, I guess what's the point of being a hot guy? You're married, you have a kid. Oh, I thought you were asking me. No. I'll let you feel the... No, no, no. It is well documented. You give yourself three points too many. You spot yourself three points on the attractiveness scale. Because I...
Or else I spiral. Yeah, that is true. Actually, you know what? I'm going to stop trying to get you to see reality, Ian. Thank you. Because it's a grim picture. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I agree. Hey, wait. No. I want you to avoid the red and stimpy close-up of your reality and just keep it rosy and butterflies. One of the most popular shows of all time. I'll take that as a nice comparison. I believe the creator was a groomer, right? Didn't he like... I would like a different comparison. Didn't he molest a girl or something? Why is this the thing you look up? We're talking about Ninja Turtles. And now you're like, red and stimpy, molester. Red and stimpy rape.
Accused of predatory. Oh, no. Yeah. Did you ever play the Ren Stimpy video game on Sega? I don't think I did. Oh, my God. Frogs, lenders buying up all the abandoned buildings. We must stop him. We must rile up Muslims to get away. Let them do dirty work for us. We tell them.
We tell Muslim, Jew have big problem. We will let them fight. We take it everything afterwards. You're is Jewish and the Jewish frogs.
Number one Albania talk show for children. This is such a funny Google search. What did the Ren and Stimpy guy do? Yeah. In 2018, I hope if you Google what did Mike Racine do, it's not. Showed his penis to a couple. Let's look it up, Elvis. What did Mike Racine do? Let's see what the guy... You're wrong! You're wrong!
Wait, why did that happen? What did Mike Racine do wrong? Finish it. Right Racine do... Yeah, keep going. Wrong. Click on that and see what happens. Let's find out.
Oh, nothing. It doesn't matter. Ooh, Vulture. Mike Racine isn't trying to offend. Now let's do Ian. No, no, no. Keep it as me being a molester. What did Ian and Finance do? Nothing. What did Ian and Finance do to Mike Racine? Ha ha!
That's what Google auto-corrects? That's awesome. Let's see what it says. It's me raping him. Matt with Mike Grissoni. Oh, nothing good. Mike Grissoni. Oh, look, it's relationship expert Ian Fidance. I wonder what he's shitting on you for there. That's good, though. I can't wait to see Eldest Click. You fucking cocksucker.
Maybe this is one of your tweets that you did that I had to call you and go, what's the matter with you? Yeah, well, you know. Couples therapy is the death rattle of every relationship. A classic finance hasn't figured out tweet. Hey, hey, hey, where's the line? Where's the line? Come on, y'all. Where is the line? God, I love when you're making points, Ian. It's one of my favorite things in the world. Hey, man.
A lot of philosophers. I do miss the era where I would just reply so true to maybe 40% of your tweets. I'm trying to figure it out. I'm glad we're giving up on that. There was nothing funnier than when he was on Kumia with Alan Dershowitz.
That was incredible, dude. Dude, the most incredible part was his old headshot. Months later, I'm hanging out with Stubb, and that's his background photo. We've never discussed it, but for years, my background photo was the compound poster. Dude, that motherfucker, they didn't tell me that until I walked in the studio. Oh, by the way. And they go, oh, hey, um...
are you okay with this? And I was like, what the fuck? I know. And then they... It was really funny the early days of Compound. You would just walk in and everyone would do it because it's like, I mean, you know, he's got an audience. Yeah. And you would walk in and you don't know who's like, oh, here's a blind Nazi. I remember when I walked in there and literally it was me and Nick were doing it and the other guest was a racist porn star. Yeah.
who did rub my cock through my jeans. So it wasn't all bad. I did ask him, do you think you defend Epstein about being a pedophile because you've been accused of being a pedophile? And then he was like, well, thank you for this interview. That's fucking awesome. Harvard Law, former Harvard Law President Alan Dershowitz couldn't handle a debate with Ian Fidance.
That's so awesome. Yeah, I remember. That's still... Yeah, they would do that to you. It was like, oh, dude, I get into Ray Seat's car today and he's listening to Anthony Cunha. I swear to God. He's listening to old O&A.
Oh, old ONA's classic stuff, though. And it was that thing of like, yeah, wow, Kumia, fucking ONA. And then you get on, and it's like the most insane situation you're in. I know. And you're like, well, I guess I'm fucking here. Yeah, yeah. I did it when Soda was guest hosting it, so that was pretty fun. It was just me and Soda, basically. Oh, that's great. Doing it, but, you know, it was fun.
It was funny when you were like, oh, cool, it's the guy from ONA. Because I wasn't paying attention to anything that was going on. And you're like, oh, no, what's happened here? You're like, oh, God. Yeah, you're like, this is what world have I got myself in? Gavin McGinnis is just hanging out. He's fucking dropping N-bombs in the green room. They're promoting a book on a guy who measures skulls. Yo, I've got to get out of here. But then it was that thing they had already on, too.
And then Artie Lang was on and you're like, oh my God, Artie Lang. And then you get in the studio and he's like missing a nose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was tough. I walk in, I'm like, grandma? Yeah, you're like, what realm? Is that my Nona? Is that my beautiful Nostraganon? And now everybody on the show is like, here's the new show from the pool guy who...
hung around long enough, he got his own thing. I love that they were literally doing, the level of like political discourse was during the Colin Kaepernick stuff. They were wearing like coal black blackface. No. For a man who's like, you know, it's like, first of all, you shouldn't do blackface, but it's like Colin Kaepernick has the same complexion as like a tan Italian. Right. It's like, you just, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, whatever. He has worse hair. Anyway, catch Ian's new program over at Compound Media. Live, laugh, love with Ian Fidance coming to Compound Media. Queer talk with Ian Fidance. Let's take a phone call. Fire! Let's take a phone call. Kill yourself. Let's take a phone call. Do you follow that guy Shelby on Twitter?
He's like used to work for Ron and Fez. He's really, really funny. Great Twitter follow. But he had this tweet where he took Kumi's tweet being like, I'm going back to the hospital. They can't really figure out what's wrong with me. And he put it next to like the photo of Obama and Hillary watching the Osama bin Laden. This guy's good. I don't know. Sounds good.
Man, what I wouldn't give to be in that war room, just killing Osama, you and your girl, you know, must have felt awesome. It felt awesome. Must have felt good, like, where you're like, oh, yeah, this is just going to be...
There's no one is going to be mad at me for this. There's no one in America like this feels cool. And I don't know. Do you guys remember he was they killed it. They killed they got Osama and they like his body. And then they let John Cena announce it. Well, no, no. Well, he announced it. WWE. But they killed him. And then like the day after that.
The day after it was the correspondence dinner and Obama knew that like on Monday they were going to announce that they killed Osama. So he was dude, if you go back and watch him, dude, he's just got like the biggest smirk, like the biggest shit eating. Like he's just like, I don't care about these little roasts from Seth Meyers. Tomorrow people are going to find out I killed Osama bin Laden. It was fucking awesome. David Cross is doing coke in the bathroom at the same time. Do you remember that? No.
Yeah, he said he did coke at the correspondence dinner. Nice. Like underneath the table or something. And then I think it got outshined by the fact that Obama killed Osama bin Laden. And he did it himself. People don't know that. Obama flew over there. He used a gun from one of his homeboys. From one of his Chicago Muslim homies. And he actually held the gun sideways. Yeah.
After identifying his body, the military brought him aboard the USS Carl Vinson. He said Brother Muzon and Omar. Oh, so Osama's body was aboard the USS Carl Vinson and buried him in the northern Arabian Sea the same day. The U.S. took political, religious, and practical factors into consideration when deciding how to bury Bin Laden's body. I'm still confused about how that all went down because I remember he made the announcement and they were just like deflecting on what exactly happened with the body and it's like...
They just tossed this cocksucker in the ocean. I think so. They just released, like, a sketchy video of him looking kind of dead or something of his face, but it was sketchy. I think... Yeah, I guess what I heard, the thought process was you don't want to, like...
give him a grave that'll become like a place for like... For me to go visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also it means like make it a grave and booby trap and just keep catching terrorists. I don't see what the problem is. Put up a live stream. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put his grave and then put a cardboard box with a little stick on top of it. And then once they go, they knock it over and they're trapped there, dude. Smart. Well, why did everyone just believe that
in a heartbeat and then that's not the thing that people glom on to but then they're like he wasn't born in America that is true it does feel like there should be a little more conspiracy theories about Osama Bin Laden still being alive somewhere we never saw shit you know like let's start that up that's a fun old school conspiracy let's get that going him and Tupac are hanging out with Hitler in Argentina wild happy and free Osama Bin Laden hashtag
Well, he does. I mean, dude, you know what? I did watch the Bernie Mac show this weekend. Great show. Yeah. His wife? Incredible Cairns. That's so funny. I watched Everybody Hates Chris this weekend. Really? Oh, wow. We watched two black shows. We can say whatever we want. Two black comedies from the 2000s.
Well, I wouldn't be surprised if...
I wouldn't be surprised if the feds killed Bernie Mac because you don't see a lot of like, you really don't see a lot of strong black men like that on TV anymore. That's true. That's why they took down Cosby too, right? Well, he was going to buy NBC. A lot of people don't know that. But he was in the final stages of purchasing NBC Universal. So the Illuminati had to stop that. They just couldn't have that, man.
Why would they kill Bernie Mac? I think it's because, you know, he was a provider. He took care of his family. He took in his sister's kids. But he was funny and goofy. But he wasn't...
Yes. Well, yeah, they're trying to, you know, he went against the agenda. Wouldn't let his son wear a dress. Yeah. Continue. Definitely not. You just don't see a lot of men like that on TV anymore. You're right. And he was great in the Oceans franchise. Yeah. In Oceans 11. And he was really great at pumping me up for things, watching his I Ain't Scared of You Motherfuckers. That's so funny that you would watch that and think, I do the same thing as this guy. That's what I do.
I wear pants with my own face on. I can see that. Yelling at my cat. I would pay probably like $100,000 to put you in a time machine unprepared and just make you go in front of that same audience. That would be the best thing in my life. I am scared of you motherfuckers. I am scared of you motherfuckers.
He's going to get escorted out. Get out of this room. I am scared of you. You're just calling the police. That's the only way I'll get on board with like. You know, he made his own money. He wasn't on welfare. He was a strong black role model, and I think they got him for that. Obama took him out.
Obama took him out? Yeah. Because his bitch was finer. Yeah. His TV bitch was finer. She was so hot. Obama couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle it. Yeah, he was upset. He could not handle it, dude. Bernie Mac's TV wife was hotter than Michael Obama. What time did... Good one. What time... What was the year that... Good one.
What year did he die? Did Bernie Mac die? Like 2007, 2008, I think. Let's just make sure. I heard that he like insulted Obama to his face. He like roasted Obama. Yes. And he was dead a few. Oh, wait. Right. Yeah. I don't know any. Oh, it was actually right before he was elected. Bush killed him. It was Bush. Whoa. Wait a minute. He did insult Obama? Yeah. What'd he say?
Somebody sent me an article that I did not read Bernie Mac makes crude joke at Obama. Oh, I would love to know what it was. I heard he fucking his chef He in the limousine About menopause sexual infidelity and promiscuity use occasional my little nephew came to me
Okay, hold on.
It's not funny. Let's get Barack on. Oh, so this was him opening for Barack Obama. And he's talking about, go ask your mom if she'd fuck the mailman for 50K. And, oh, a man shot, which paid. This is an event where they paid $2,300 each. A fundraiser where it was $2,300 to attend.
Boo! Boo! This is a family affair, by the way. By the way, I'm just messing with you, man. The...
The instant your response from Obama's campaigners criticized Mac for... I mean, it is awesome to be like, oh, look who it is, Jen Psaki's dumbass. Senator Obama told Bernie Mac that he doesn't condone these statements, and he believes what was said was inappropriate. For the mailman joke? Yeah, I think so. It's such a tame... Do you know how the joke finishes, though? How does it end? He goes, go ask the mailman if your mom would have sex with him for $50,000. And then... Go back to the setup. He goes...
Uncle, what's the difference between a hypothetical question and a realistic question? He said, I don't know, but I said, go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd make love to the mailman for $50,000. So the kid goes, asks him on, the mom says yes, and he goes, okay, so hypothetically, your mom made $50,000. Realistically, she's a whore. Oh, that's the joke? That's the joke, yeah. I love that he has an encyclopedic knowledge of hack street jokes. I love that. It's insane.
The way it was told to me was different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a kid. It goes, what's the difference between theory and practice? And then he goes, go ask your mama. She'd have sex with a neighbor for a million dollars. Gotcha. Go ask your sister. She'd have sex with a neighbor for a million dollars. All right, we got it. Yes, and he goes, theoretically, we're millionaires. Realistically, we live with a bunch of whores. Which I think is better. That's a better joke. I would have told it better. That's a better joke for sure. Yeah.
That's awesome, though, that he did that to open for Obama when he was about to become president. But what did Bernie Mac say in response to Obama? I don't think he said it. Didn't he say something? I don't think so. Who gives a fuck? Oh, I thought you said he insulted Obama to his face. That's what I thought, yeah, but I didn't read the article. Well, either way, I think they probably killed him.
I think they killed him for that. When was this speech? This was in 2008. Actually, pretty close to when Bernie died.
This was in June or July, and then he died in August. How did he die? Obama. Heart attack gun? Heart attack, yeah. Oh, the heart attack gun. I think what happens is the final, the two candidates, they get one weekend with the heart attack gun just to try it out. Just to try it out. Just to be like, get used to using this. Sarcoidosis is an inflammatory disease that often attacks multiple organs. Bernie Mac suffered from sarcoidosis. Well, either way, it disproportionately affects African Americans. So, you know.
It was Obama for sure. I think we can agree Obama killed Bernie Mac. Yeah. I think... Never mind. Go ahead. I should have just confidently said it. That's all right, man. A lot of those black people... He got out of her smoking Newports. Oh, God. I should have said it confidently. And he did the voice. Yeah, and he did the voice. The voice really was brutal. The voice was so horrible. Yeah.
Did you hit a button on this? What button did you hit? That was the audience, dude. Cheering? Yeah, they loved it. Oh, fuck. I saw a friend of mine the other night and he goes, yeah, I kind of went down this Twitter rabbit hole of people saying that Michael Jackson was framed and set up and then murdered. That's fun. That is fun. Yeah, he was. He was just on Eddie Griffin's Twitter. Yeah.
One of the best weekends of my life. No man has ever insisted that Michael Jackson is straight harder than Eddie Griffin. He literally told, I was just hosting for him and he was like, he was like, I saw him fuck women. I swear to God. Then he was like, and then he told me like a story about how they were like hanging out and then he was like, all right, see you later, Mike. And then like, and then he's, he just, they,
they went their own way and Eddie Griffin is just walking away sees Michael Jackson was fucking a woman with such ferocity that his tour bus was rocking back and forth so like he fucked the way like the Tasmanian devil fucks he sure wasn't a bunch of kids trying to clamor out of the fucking tour bus
It was awesome, man. That's wild. Oh, yeah. And he also, I've said this before, but he also says that Magic Johnson willingly got AIDS in exchange for half of Los Angeles' real estate, according to Eddie Griffin. Whoa. It's possible. Yeah.
You know, there's competing. I mean, if that money's in escrow, he's fucking. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, can I get AIDS? I'll fucking get AIDS right out this block. I'll get AIDS for some fucking toilet paper. It's easy to get AIDS now. They got all kinds of different, you know, medicines. It's basically like having, you know, like a bad AIDS. It's like harder than ever to get AIDS.
I mean, it's easy to have it. It's what I mean. It's easy to live with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's easy to live with HIV. Right. AIDS is still a want. Having AIDS, it's still not a walk in the park. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. What the fuck? Well, I was just going to say. Shout out PrEP. Shout out doxomycin. You on anything, man?
I'm wild happy and free. My next special. Please, doctor, help me. Your next special is a tie-in with prep. That would be cool. You should get prep. You literally should get prep money, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Prep, if you're out there, sponsor me. Yeah, why not? We'll be right back. Yeah.
You should, dude. Get that fucking money. Fuck, I was just going to say something and I forgot. Remember that Kevin Hart tweet when he goes, Damon Jr. looks like a gay billboard for AIDS. Ha ha!
That's like one of the old tweets that resurfaced. He goes, damn, Damon Jr. Yeah. And he spelled billboard as two words. Yeah, a billboard. A billboard. It is so funny that he was just a middling Philadelphia comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he just became the most famous guy of all time. Yeah. He was like crashing on Big J. Oakerson's couch. Yeah. Like, that's crazy. So I started the club he started at in Philly. People would...
Pose with DVDs of his behind glass I would like MC horribly
U-Haul's trying to charge me $40 for a toll. Oh, fuck them, dude. They don't have an E-ZPass? No, they do, but, you know. U-Haul sponsor Racine. That's true. What would your sponsorship be, Racine? Who would you want to sponsor? Ian's is prep. Oh, can I have prep, too? Yeah. That's to show support for the show. Yeah. If you became ripped, right, but your wife was like, you can't fuck any women, would you fuck men? I don't think I'd be allowed to fuck men. But let's say you were. Yeah.
As a way to be like, let me measure how hot I am. What's the hottest? I can't get a hot girl. What's the hottest guy I can get? Would you do that? Just for your, because you want to be, just to see how hot it was. It seems like you want to become hot, not for any reason other than your own self esteem. Yeah. So it's just like a way to mark,
is your high watermark for how hot a guy you can, how hot a person you can fuck. Sure. Would you do it? But I feel like the bar is not that high for gay guys. So you'd have to aim really high. Yeah. You know what I mean? You'd have to be beautiful. You'd have to be like a model or something. Yeah. You know? I'm just wondering. Like that guy that got a modeling contract after his mugshot came out?
That guy, yeah. Remember him? Yep. The hot guy. Yeah. Mugshot Bay, I believe, is what they were calling him. The guy with the green eyes, light-skinned guy with the green eyes. What's he up to these days? What kind of country are you living in where you get famous off of being in prison? Let's see what happened to him afterwards. Read your book. Yeah, read your book. That was that same weekend. What happened? What happened? That was Eddie Griffin was...
claiming that there was going to be, that Obama was going to force us to get a vaccine.
He was very anti-Obama, by the way. So maybe he did kill Bernie Mac. You know, it's possible. But he hated Obama. And he said that, and this was before COVID, he was so, he was like, Obama is going to make us get a vaccine. And it is going to score the mark of the beast. The mark of the beast. I remember that. I kind of bought into that. The guy I worked with, he would smoke weed and come over to lunch and we should read the Bible. Yeah.
When I went to rehab, he blessed my apartment with frankincense and myrrh. But then he took all my weed and drug paraphernalia and just used it. Good. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. Just saved me from myself. He did. That was a good guy. Yeah, but that was the thing. Like, the mark of the beast is coming. Obama with the chip. He's going to put a chip in you. It was the chip, and it was going to make us zombies if you got it. Oh, I was told it was going to be death camps.
This is Eddie Griffin. And by the way, he's saying this in the green room. He's also saying it on stage. So he had the kind of mind where it was like what he was saying. Is this anything? Yeah. But it was almost like he's reminded of these stories. And literally everything he told us in the green room, he really had a mind where it was like the guy is not stopping. And his tour manager was this giant jack dude who was like, yeah, man, this guy sleeps two hours a night max.
He never shuts the fuck up. He has to get fucked up to go to bed. And so on his rider was, was two bottles of champagne and two bottles of tequila. And he would drink both each show. He would make champagne, tequila cocktails in a fucking champagne flute. And you're just like 22 years old. Like, so I live with my mom. Yeah. And he would go over. I mean, no exaggeration by an hour and a half each show. So it was like,
By the end of it, they fired... Jokes or just talking? Just doing Eddie Griffin. And he was killing, and most of the people stayed, dude. And then the late show would start late, and they just fired the feature. They were like, hey, you can't be here. And my time got cut. I was literally doing like three minutes. And it was like, do one joke and introduce Eddie Griffin.
Was he killing or was it just kind of... He was killing for the first 90 minutes. Sure. And even the first two hours. Dude, the late shows, he would do like over three hours. It was crazy. Of what? Of just talking, dude. Of like the Michael Jackson stories. Literally, Obama is bringing the sign of the beast. And so, read your book comes from. He was talking about how... And he was like, yeah, it's in the Bible. They're going to make us zombies. They're going to... He had some kind of number of like our population was...
Obama was going to... You still have to stay to the end of the show to close it out? I had to go do a raffle. The MacGoovie, the fucking host. Dude, I can't wait to give him shit about this because he was like, he wouldn't let me go home for the late show. And he was like, yeah, you have to go. It's like 3 a.m. It's like, dude, you think these people are going to stay for the raffle? They want to leave. That's wild. But yes, he said Obama was going to get our population down to some number from the Bible. Like whatever it was from the Bible. And that...
And then this old woman... Obviously, that's not real, but he did put things in place to get it to happen because of COVID. Anyway, continue. So true. And then, thanks for stopping... He said Obama's chef is going to drown in a puddle. Yeah, he was going to get...
Yeah. And so, yeah, and so he was saying that, and he was like, it's in the Bible, and then an old black woman who was there by herself, she was like in her late 60s, early 70s, was just like, mm-hmm, read your book. Right.
Read your book. And being like, yep, Eddie's so right. This is in the Bible. I read the Bible. It's in the Bible that Obama's going to take the world back to 60,000 people. That was going to take the world back to 60,000 or something crazy. That was a book of dookie-rodomy. I told that story on maybe the first episode of Come Town, I think. But that was one of the best books.
It was one of the funniest experiences of my life. It's so funny to do like an hour of comedy and be like, I got to talk about something serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was awesome. Yeah. And he would do... And by the way, he did cumulatively probably five hours of material because he didn't repeat jokes. Really? It was like each night he would do... Was it like crushing? It really was for a lot of it. Wow. Especially the Michael Jackson stuff because he had like
Because he was a good... The thing is, he's an incredibly talented performer. So he would say this insane shit, but he was... His timing was great. He had incredible... He was doing impressions. He was doing act outs. He literally, for 15 minutes, like, danced like Michael Jackson. Really? Really well. Like, it was like... It was incredible. Like, it was... As long as he had new shoes, he would get each show. Yeah, he did. I'm not kidding. He would get Air Force Ones.
That was like, I saw that happen. He asked for brand new white Air Force Ones every show. It was crazy. Does that come out of his money? Yeah, it does. Paul Mooney would come to Caroline's a lot and he'd talk about Michael Jackson and he'd go, and he's not a pedophile, get that out of your mind. He's not a pedophile. Just like I'm not gay. I'm not gay, by the way. He's X-Files, but he's not a pedophile. He's X-Files. He's an alien.
I mean, there is some of that where it's like black guys aren't allowed to be weird as shit. Right. But at the same time, Michael Jackson was a pedophile. I mean, and it's like, it's like somebody was making this point. It's like, yeah, man, you think it's like, you think it was like the guy who, uh,
had to be so fucked up every day that it was like he was getting like the same amount of tranquilizers that a fucking elephant gets you think maybe he didn't have something on his conscience that was kind of troubling him it's like michael jackson's like daily thing was insane he was just bare he was living in like a haze every fucking day might some might argue if you were a pedophile for years you would want to quiet the guilt you were feeling by doing that many drugs
Go to Michael Jackson's cocktail. Or by getting really good at singing and dancing. Or by making people happy. So, yep. That's why we do comedy, right? Valium, lorazepam, midos, midazolam. We give them to the sleep story during a tarot period throughout the night and morning. This cocktail was a recipe for disaster. Whatever. Who gives a fuck?
He was just taking a lot of benzos and pro-parole and shit, but respect to MJ. Anyway, you know, clearly we've established ourselves as experts on this subject.
this podcast. You guys have lived beautiful lives. You know how to guide people. And so I say we do some of that. And of course, we want to remind everybody, go watch both specials here, folks. We've got The Tomato Brother by Mike Racine, right? Isn't that what it's called? Yeah.
Can we plug some road dates too? Tomato Brother and then I Swear I'm Not Gay by It's Technically Different Than Gay by Stavros Alpius. The Ian Fox... This house Stavros Alpius story. He got me, dude. Fuck. I left a pause in there. Hey, I don't want to make fun of each other anymore. The eldest story. Nice try, Ian.
That's not how things work, man, and you know it. You're locked into this for life. Yes. I may start taking some propanol. But yeah, let's plug some road dates. Mike, go ahead. I just got Zany's in Chicago April 3rd, and I got comedy at the Carlson in Rochester, New York. May 11th. Beautiful. It's there at MikeRestineComedy.com. Ian, anything for you? Yes, IanFidance.com. I'm in Austin, Texas. Ian.
April 4th and 5th and May 5th. I'm at the Hollywood Improv for Netflix is a Joke. Come on out and be an EM with Jordan. Everyone say patreon.com slash be an EM pod for the Patreon. Nice. All right. Let's take some fucking calls, Big L though. What's up, Big L? A little bit of a situation. Definitely need some advice.
So, you know, I know you like I know you like your details. Let me give you as much detail as I possibly can So a few years back my cousin, you know kind of put me on this girl that he used the mess with talking about She's a freak whatever so I DM her, you know one thing leads to another
I ended up fucking her. Wasn't a good fuck, but I did fuck indeed. Nice, man. After that, I passed her on to my older brother. Jesus Christ. Jesus. You know, he flirted with her. I don't know what they did. I know they did some stuff. What? You know, they did their thing.
Fast forward a couple months later, my brother puts her on my younger brother's... We're not going to help you kill this woman if that's what you're saying. I mean, this is crazy. She fucked everyone in the family. What? That's crazy. So my grandpa shows up and... Also, she didn't put it together that there's like a whisper campaign about your pussy going on. This is crazy. I hope it got better at least by the time it got to the younger brother. I know. Because the older brother's like, oh, the pussy was whatever. You know.
Have you thought maybe your dick was trash? Oh, that's so good, man. Good perspective to have. Yes, and me. I can't. I can't in this situation. Go ahead, Elders. That's fair, you should. That was a bad fucking line. And, you know, I didn't think anything of this.
Yes, Ian's about to... Let's see how... Start the timer. Let's see how long it takes for Ian to break. Meltdown. I also have only been sleeping two hours tonight. Are you ready for some of my little tears? Yeah, actually, yes. I'd love some. I'm reading ahead, and this is good. Okay, go ahead. I'll just play it. And, you know, I didn't think anything was up, you know, will come of it, um...
Anything will come of it and now now my brother got her pregnant and they're living together You know, they're about to start a family. They're doing the whole thing. He loves her. She loves him. They might fuck around even get married I have a girlfriend we've been together for about four years now and
I don't know whether do I, I don't want to like show up to the, you know, when the kid is born, my nephew was born and, you know, like, do I tell her? Do I tell her that, you know, I fucked with this girl in the past? You know, do I, you know, hope, like, don't say anything. Hopefully nothing comes up with it because everybody knows, especially between the three brothers and kind of joke about it a lot. Oh, this is brutal. So I don't know. It might be an awkward situation. I don't know. Like, do I have this conversation with her?
Do I not tell her? I don't know. I definitely need your help. Appreciate any advice you have, man. That is a tough call because it's like you don't want to keep anything from your partner. Right. But what do you gain from telling her? And why does she need to know necessarily? The only reason you would want to tell is like, I hope this girl does not one day go crazy and just like firebomb my whole life and like tell my wife that. But also he didn't do anything wrong.
Like, even if she goes crazy, what's she going to say? Right. Eight months before I got knocked up by his little brother, I fucked her older brother. Like... Yeah, but couldn't that also... Couldn't that baby possibly be just...
No, no, no. No. I don't think so. They're not worried about that. He's just worried about this girl that we thought was the family slam piece is now going to be... Is now a welcome member giving birth to us. She got promoted. Yeah, she did. She did. Look, they transferred her from division to division. She interned everywhere. She finally got her foot in the door. She's a go-getter.
Ah, geez. Do you tell? So he's wondering, do I tell, from his perspective, do I tell my girl that I fucked in the past? I guess if it comes up, I don't think it's that crazy. Well, why would it come up? That's what I'm saying. Why would you tell her? Do you think that the girl may say something? It might just be weird at family functions.
You just never know. I feel this guy's anxiety about it. But what happened, my question is, but it should be a secret between, you know, you, your brother, your cousin, your uncle. Yeah, the guy, the maintenance guy at the apartment you all live in. The apartment building you all live in. And maybe, I would guess, maybe 30% of the men this woman's met. The neighbor. The Raymour and Flanagan guys that move the couch. Yeah.
Yeah, I think, I do, my perspective is, and like, I think this happens sometimes where it's like, friends hook up, like, let's say I hooked up with this girl that my friend later, and he, like, I just randomly hooked up with this girl, and my friend marries her, right? I'm not bringing it up. I'm just not bringing it up. You know what I mean? Why would you bring it up? And I think, and I know his situation is more...
To your current girlfriend? Yeah, I guess you're right. Who does it? You're right. It's different. His is different. But I just mean, these are certain things that just, in my opinion, these are things that lie dormant. Yeah. And they're kind of like those, they're kind of like the diseases in the permafrost.
It's like, please, God, I hope caveman SARS, caveman COVID doesn't get thawed out and we all die. If it happens, we're fucked. But I'm just going to hope it doesn't happen. I just think that's honestly the best tact in a situation like this. Because the other thing to think about is like, what worst case scenario this comes out
what and your girl's mad at you you'll be like what I hooked up with this girl randomly I thought nothing of it now she's with him I didn't want to make it doesn't mean anything to me I didn't want to make it awkward for the family so like I just didn't tell you but it's like a complete non-issue
And like worst case, you have your girls mad at you for a week. You know what I mean? And then you get over it. There's something you need to preemptively get out ahead of because that would cause more harm than good. There's another risky element of her finding out that like the brothers are just like passing her around like a fucking baseball glove. Not anymore. Well, she knows that though. She's in the family. Yeah. Yeah.
She knows the fuck... She knows... You think she didn't catch wind of who these guys were that she was fucking? I mean, is she that fucking stupid? No, I mean the caller's girl, not... Oh, the caller's girl. No, no. That's crazy. Like, that's just like... That's exactly... That's... Yes. If you start disclosing things preemptively, then you're like...
And by the way, we all kind of fucked her. It was one of the, like, then you don't want to, you're right. You don't want to discuss that. So it's like, I say you just let sleeping dogs lie personally. And then maybe depending on how close, it sounds like you and your brothers are pretty close. And so I think what you could do is all have a bros meeting. Pow wow. And be like, here's how we're handling this. We're never bringing it up. I think that's what you need to do personally. Yeah.
But it is, that's a wild situation. You know what? This little brother is either the dumbest guy or the smartest guy in the world. Or he's like just, you know what? I'm not a chauvinist. I love this woman. Hey, we all have a past. She happens to have fucked guys that I share DNA with. Yeah.
You know what I mean? My thing, though, is it's weird to pass her off to each family member. It's absolutely weird. I would be more worried about people finding that out than the fact that I had sex with this girl in the past because that, to me, is very unlawful.
It is weird. It is very old world, I must say. Where it's like, you know, it's like, oh, man. Yeah, bro, you got to get some of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. It's like, dude, this place makes a great sandwich. But you're talking about a girl's pussy. Yeah. And everything else with her. Yeah. Like, you know. It's tough. It's an interesting situation. And this is one of those where it's all context. Because, again, a girl fucks four guys. Who cares? A girl fucks five.
Four brothers. Three brothers and a cousin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little strange, but you know. Well, she's kind of a different person after the kid's born. You know, now she's the mother of your nephew. So it's almost like it never happened. It wipes the pussy clean slate. Once a baby comes out, it starts over at zero. Born again pussy. Yeah, I agree with that. So yeah, buddy, good luck. And that's hilarious. And maybe don't pass.
pass girls around your family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let this be a lesson to you. Like the Stanley Cup. What the fuck's the matter with you?
Have you ever, I guess you don't, nobody here has, you have a brother, but that'd be hilarious if your brother were Eskimo brothers. I think that'd be kind of a crime. Yeah, if you fucked a girl in your brother's class, if you also fucked her, that would be a big issue. The same melon with a hole cut in it. Yeah.
Yeah, you just can't microwave those twice. They get too mushy the second time you microwave them. The same turkey sandwich. Let's get your brother on Love on a Spectrum, dude. You know, let's get a little shine for the Racine family on the Netflix autistic dating show. That is a good show.
Do you think he would do well in one of those situations? He's not like verbal enough. Oh, he's not. He's not like, yeah. You could be his translator. Yeah, you go on the date and then it's like you get a little piece of pussy. He wants you to touch my cock. He prefers to watch. It's one of his tics. Hey, Davi. Hey, Aldous. Hey, honored guest.
I'm Byron. Byron. Lord Byron. Shout out to Linus Gangston. Shout out to Eldis for doing a much harder job than it appears to be. That's right. Much honor and respect to you, sir. But anyways, I got this gay friend, and I love hanging out with him. We hang out a lot-ish, you know, a few times a month. And then when we do, we watch movies and we smoke and we talk shit. And he teaches me about gay culture, and I teach him about not, you know, like...
the other stuff that he's unaware of in the world. What? You know, like cars and cereal. And not making your wrist limp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Making eye contact with your father without being ashamed. Just classic stuff. He's like, you ever hear of shoes? Yeah.
Yeah, you know, your toes don't always have to be out. His gay friend's wearing sandals in a snowstorm. He's like, no, we have these things called boots. Bro, you drink water? Let me put you on the water. You don't always have to wear a harness in a warehouse. All right, let's see what we got here. But he...
I mean, pause this.
If you're like, hey, man, by the way, if you were drunk and in a bad place, I wouldn't rape you. If you're saying those words out loud, you're thinking about sucking his passed out cock for sure. I've never said that to a woman. Just so you know, I would never commit sexual assault against you. It's just not something that you think about. And not because of you, because I respect your partner. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, if it was just you, holy shit, I would be at every party with the second you were asleep. But your girl, she's top notch. That's fucking awesome. All right, keep going.
we hang out and he's always like he chooses to watch a movie and he chooses to lie down on my lap in order to like and watch it i could give a i don't care really about being touched but it's like i know my dick hard i know it might mean something to him and i always make sure there's like a pillow like a a barrier a sort of of contact but last time we hung out he like raised the top of my legs and like touched
Touch the tip of my penis and then he got like all excited and shit and I'm like I just pat his hands away and like literally slap him away. Pause. This can't be real. This guy. No. Bad gay guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I roll up a newspaper and hit him in the nose when he graces my, because dude, he graces my penis and he goes, ooh. Don't rub his nose in it. Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta rub his nose in pussy juice whenever he's bad. Alright, keep going. Oh, wow, the joke we just made. This can't be real, right? I don't know.
Maybe you should be. I mean, do you think this is a real question? A real weird relationship. This guy clearly is trying to fuck you, dude. If this is a real question, yes. I would say don't hang out with him the same way I would tell a hot girl if a guy that's always talking about how
She doesn't like nice guys. And it's just like, you know, well, I hung out with you, so why don't we make out? Like, he's kind of like, it's feeling like, just kind of like, almost incel behavior that's hidden by how gay he is. You know what I mean? It's almost fun. Gay incel, like, this is like trying to escape the friend zone, but in a gay way of just hanging around and just seeing if the guy will let you suck his cock. That's the feeling. That's a joke. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, so I think this is insane. I mean, this is like, you can't. I mean, it's pretty sad that this guy can't put up a boundary and say how he feels because of fear that he'll be perceived as homophobic. It has nothing to do with being homophobic. Yeah, this guy's, thanks Obama. Yeah. First you take Bernie Mac from us.
Then you can't let us fucking let them know, let those you know what's what. It's just if something's making you uncomfortable, share how you feel. It has nothing to do with being gay. I'm sure if this was a girlfriend of his and she was doing the same, it would make him feel uncomfortable. Think of him as a woman you don't want to fuck. Think of this as a fat lady from your office behaving this way. Would you give her this much grace? Probably not.
Or if it was reversed, if it's like a guy making, I mean, he's, okay, again, if this is real, which I don't think it is, this is crazy. But if it is, someone you don't want to fuck you grazing the tip of your penis over and over again is literally assault. Over and over.
That is literally low-grade sexual assault. You're literally edging. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yes, this guy has blown through your back. I don't really care, but he's jerking himself off while he lightly taps my penis. I don't care what another man does. It's crazy. Tell this guy to stop. Yeah, I think, like, yeah, you're just like... I think you attach him to the back of a truck and you ride him around through town. Jeez. What?
I mean, he's got a lot of... Come on, Ian. Jesus fucking Christ, dude. I mean, the funny thing is... Come on. I've never, ever been attracted to any friend of mine. Come on. Like, I've never... Yeah. You were just talking about how handsome Racine is. You were like, I notice your tits in every shirt you wear. No, honestly, I've never been attracted to friends of mine. I've never had a fantasy about... But, like... You cap in. This is like a level of...
You're going to make fun of me, but this is why I know I'm not gay, because I've never. Thank you. Oh, yeah. Oh, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Finish up. No, no. I'm not even here. Just go. Let me just watch this delusion, and this is just pure uncut. Oh, I'm not one of those homos. Thank you.
It's like Mr. Garrison. You're like the pull your pants up, pull your pants up of black guys but of gay guys. I'm the kind of gay guy that respectfully sucks dick in an alley next to garbage where I belong. We got Candace Owen over here. We got gay Candace Owens. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I mean, it's ridiculous with these gay people. Don't throw it in our kids' faces. I know I have an affliction. I'm not taking it to an elementary school to let them watch drag queens read books. Just talk about it on your podcast twice a week. Yeah.
So anyway, Ian, go ahead. I've never been... That's a boundary I've never crossed with a friend of being a sleepover. Like, well, maybe. Like, that's... Sure. Unless I get a little whiff of what you're throwing my way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bitter battle. Didn't you say you used to suck your friend off in middle school? Yeah.
We were only friends when we were sucking each other off. Like the mascot of the soccer team or whatever. He just avoids him in the hallway. No, no, no. We would fight each other in public. And then behind closed doors, it was like, I'm sorry I hate you. Holy shit. That's pretty hot. Yeah, that is pretty hot, man. It's kind of hot in here.
And later that night we would change it to our sexting cyber sex screen name so no one could even see that we were online. That's awesome. You were on the dark web talking about how you couldn't wait to suck Don Terrius' dick when you got to fucking soccer practice. If by some chance you're watching and you're tired of your family. Ian's dad is in heaven like, God damn it.
No, because when you're in heaven, there's no sadness. He's like, God, what's going on with my connection? My cable to my family keeps cutting out. God's like, yeah, I'm sorry, man. We got to get the technicians. It's every time Ian's doing gay shit, God is lying to his dad about the connection being down. He's like, oh, come on. Why did you change your password? Why did you do that?
Oh, fuck. But yeah, dude, this guy just wants to fuck you and he's a weird friend. Yeah, dude, tell him you don't feel comfortable. Yeah, it's literally not homophobic. Yeah, it's just stand up for yourself and say it's uncomfortable and you want to support him, but if he can't stop touching you, you can't be friends with him anymore. And also, like... This country's so woke, you can't even beat your gay friend to death. I know. I know.
That's right. You can't even commit a hate crime in place of having an uncomfortable conversation. And then take it out on every woman and child you have with a deep-seated anger because you think this makes you gay even though it has nothing to do with your sexuality. Yeah, that too.
All right. There's a cable in heaven coming. Yeah. Jeez, God, come on. What's going on? This is heaven for Christ's sake. Every time my kid goes on the computer, the cable goes out. I just want to see what he's looking at. I just want to see the enriching educational web series he's no doubt watching. We don't have the internet up here.
All right. Okay. Give us another one, Big LD. I love the misspellings from the Google. Hi, Stubby. Hello, Elders. Stubby and Elders. Hey, Stub. Hey, Stop. Buddy Elvis.
Hi, Savi. Hello, Elders, and hello to our esteemed guests. That's right. So I have a bit of a dilemma on my hands. To give you like a quick backstory about me, I'm a junior at a big university in the South. I'm liberal and I'm not religious.
If you can imagine, the average guy at a university like mine is very conservative and Christian. So I haven't had great luck dating wise. The last semester, I really hit it off with this guy that I was taking class with. We flirted on and off throughout the semester, but when the semester ended, he texted me and was like, "Sorry, I've been flirting with you. I just really need to figure out my shit with my ex. I don't want to leave you on. Can we pick this back up next semester?"
I didn't know how to respond, so I was like, "Thank you for telling me." And like, "Sure." No sweat, no big deal. We were only flirting.
That sucks. This guy's gayer than the last guy. He actually is. Yeah.
He really truly is, dude. Flirting with a woman to get her to come to your Bible study. Oh my God. God damn. But he was insistent. He was like, that's fine. Come anyway. You'll get to meet new people.
I've never been to like an evangelical kind of church and I've always wanted to like check it out. So I say like yes to going, but I make it clear that this is like an academic experiment to me. As you can imagine, these people are actually brainwashed. Like it's insane. Anyway, but after the sermon was over, I debated this guy for an hour.
Like an actual hour about theology and Christianity. Interesting. Obviously, we came to different conclusions, but like the conversation didn't end on bad terms. That's nice. But since that conversation, he has like virtually stopped texting me.
And so now I don't know what to do. Show him your pussy and tell him you want to see God? Read this book, bitch. I'm going to close your lips and fuck you up. Woo! Yeah! I agree. Show him your pussy. I mean, but I guess that's not a finish. Your voice is hot. Yeah, relax, Ian. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Relax. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just want to log a couple, a little cable time.
Go ahead. I mean, I have an idea, but let's let her finish. Now, I don't know what to do. So I have two questions. Like, we have the same sense of humor. We are so sarcastic with each other. And we also have, like, similar career trajectories. So on all other levels, it really makes sense for us to date, except for religious beliefs.
So my question is, do you think that I should call it quits while I'm ahead and try to find somebody else during undergrad? Or do you think I should confront him and be like, hey, can we work this out? No. Work what out? My second question is, would you personally bother dating someone who doesn't have 15 religious beliefs? That deserves more. That was funny. It was okay. And I'm trying to finish the call, but yeah, it was fine.
Someone who doesn't have the same religious beliefs as you. So thank you, Savi. Thank you, everyone. Sorry if this is too long. Okay, so our second question was would you personally date someone who doesn't have the same religious beliefs? So the first thing, Ian is right. There's nothing to call quits.
In fact, if I were you, I would be annoyed at this guy because you thought you were going to go out on a date. And then he's like, hey, come to fucking Bible stuff. Like, even if it's not a religious thing, let's say I was going to, I had chemistry with someone. She even went out of her way to be like, hey, sorry for leading you on. I have some shit to do with my ex. And then when they hit you up, they're like, let's take religion out of it. They're like,
Oh, are you free? And you're like, yeah. You've already come. You're like, yeah, hell yeah. And they're like, want to go to Geography Club? Like, if it was, I'm not going to Morris School. Yeah, two hours out of your day. Yeah, that sucks. So like, there's, but there's nothing. But she did say she's always been interested in seeing these types of things. Just once though, she said. She just wanted to go. She basically went out of curiosity. And then they had a debate. And he stopped hitting her up after that. So for two reasons. Number one.
I don't know why you're interested in him. I think it's pretty clear he kind of was like... Yeah, aren't there Muslims where you live? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they wish you wouldn't be able to talk and send this email. Very good, Ian. That's so true, Ian. That's so true. That's so nice. Book Ian at the Cellar. Ian will be at Westside Comedy Club in the Cellar. He will be doing a benefit with Voss and Berg. Oh, my God.
He is raising money for more bombs for the IDF. Anyway, yeah, so like there's nothing to... I don't think that they should be bombing anymore, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anymore. Hilarious. Anyway... Wait, when's this coming? Yeah.
So, yeah, like, look, this guy's, this is done. And you should understand that. And it feels like even you didn't understand why, you said it yourself, you were just flirting. It's not like you guys hooked up. It's not like you guys went on any dates.
Completely call it quits. There's not even anything to call quits. Like, I guess, but I mean, I also get this. She's young. She's in college. And flirting is super fun. When you're young and you have that, like, vibe with someone at school and you're like, what could this be? So I get it, but, like, absolutely cut your losses. I don't think that the religious...
I don't think that you're at an age where eliminating people for their religious beliefs is what you should be doing necessarily. It seems like you don't even really know what you believe, whatever. And when you're young and it's not about like, do we... This is also kind of how you figure out what's important to you. Dating people, being friends with people, having people close to you of different... I think it's good that you went and tried stuff out. And look, if in the future you happen to...
meet someone who you really hit it off with and they have a different religious beliefs try dating and see you know see for yourself for some people it works for other people it doesn't um me personally i'm i'm not a religious person i i would date pretty much anyone if they were just kind of like casually really like as long as they weren't like a fucking you know as extreme as this guy or orthodox or something if somebody was like you know if someone was like
sort of culturally Christian or Jewish or Muslim or whatever the fuck. Yeah, I would date someone. Or like made a question and answer debate something that stops them from communicating with you further. Yeah. If they didn't do that, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that's just...
it wouldn't work out. Yeah, I personally don't fucking care about that as long as they're not extremists, as long as they're not zealots. But yeah, but I think for you, you're at fucking college, you're at a huge university,
just keep moving. You know what I mean? It's tough when you live in the South, though, because in the South there's, like, religious guys, but then there's Southern guys who are, like, liberal and it's their whole identity. Right, right, right. They're like, yeah, I'm from Alabama, but I'm liberal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I let my gay friend touch my back. Yeah.
I'm a cool liberal. Yeah, but also she said in the first thing, like I go to a huge Southern whatever. There's a million other people. Yeah. You're going to meet a million other people. Absolutely. I feel like she's so like cock deprived though at this weird evangelical school that like. I don't think it's an evangelical school.
Or whatever. It sounds like people are overwhelmingly conservative religious or whatever. And this guy is just like a normal nice guy. Right. He's just like too religiously incompatible. But she's like, okay, he doesn't seem too fucking crazy. We make the same corny jokes or whatever. And like, you know. I guess make him read the Quran as like a last ditch. What if she...
What if you gave, like, a last-ditch thing as, like, confronting him and being like, hey, I really enjoyed talking to you, spending time with you. I know it got kind of weird with, like, the religious debate, but is there any way we could...
I really want to go on a date with you. I don't know. And then is it on her to try to make out with him? But here's the other thing. He's clearly shown what he's... Yeah, by stop texting her. He stopped texting her. He was like, just come, even if you don't believe. He was expecting her to be like, well, this wasn't really my cup of tea, but it's kind of interesting. And in his mind, maybe they were going to court and then over time become Christian, whatever. She's clearly... He probably doesn't like a...
you know, an opinionated woman. You know what I mean? Like, this is a fucking evangelical. You think he wants his bitch talking back about how there's too much... You're gonna run into more problems. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't want to be like, well, why is there suffering in the world? Well, because God, it's good to prove. Shut up. Shut up, bitch. But yeah, I don't know. I think, I know you're saying, Elda, she does seem cock-deprived here, but...
Still, you're at a big university. There's going to be, even though demographically it's not your, you might have made a slight mistake, there's still at least a handful of people that are more your vibe. Like, even in these big southern universities, there's going to be people that you mesh with more. And so I say keep it moving, sister. Yeah. Next question, Heldons. Stavi, Elvis, beautiful guests. What's going on? Hope everyone's having a good time on the pod.
I've got a family-related question for you. So I have a younger sibling that's non-binary, assigned female at birth. They came to my family with their brother a few years ago, and we're all pretty tight. My sibling's awesome. But they had been holding out, telling our parents all this time, up until very recently when my mom asked their pronouns, not realizing her question would lead to my sibling coming out to them in the moment.
So now my mom knows, and she's been very accepting and loving to my sibling. It did rock her world a little bit, but mostly due to her feeling bad about my sibling holding out for this long and other things like calling them my daughter all this time and not knowing the ramifications of saying that. But the only person in the family that doesn't know is our dad, who's a little more conservative than the rest of us.
But I know that he would also be accepting and show love to my sibling. Uh, cause he, he loves us all very much. I do feel like there's now a sense of urgency to my sibling coming out to our dad because my mom is now in this situation where she's having to keep a secret from her husband and that's not fair to her. So I want to encourage my sibling to come out to our dad, kind of like being a bridge between them and my parents and,
So how can I do this without coming off too pushy? They can be standoffish at times, and I don't want to put too much pressure on them. So let me know what you guys think.
Elvis, don't you dare play this to end an episode. I'm done. This is a serious one. Fuck you. Fuck you. They'll grow out of it in a couple years and go back to normal. Okay, next one. Yeah, this is interesting. Like the telling. Yeah, it's like you can't read. I see what you're saying about your mom being.
Like being put in an awkward situation, I suppose. But like, ultimately it is about what your sibling wants. And you can talk to them about it and just be like...
What are you thinking? Like, should we tell dad? Is this, you know, do you want mom to help tell? Like, what, you know, what, just even ask them, like, what are you thinking about it? Like, you could even be like, hey, it went pretty good with mom. Yeah. It's probably, you know, I think it would be cool. It sounds like they're all very close. Yeah, exactly. You know, and if they've been supporting them for years, I mean, I don't know the ins and outs, but, you know, like you said, like, certainly why couldn't they sit down with their sibling and be like, hey,
this is what it is and like we know dad and this that and the other and why don't we whatever you feel comfortable with I just think it would help if we could all you know like
I don't know, share this and it'll bring us closer. You could just also get a mullet, start wearing athleisure only. You know what I mean? Say it without saying it. You could also do it. Get, get. He could, he could. No, no, no. If his sibling, like how non-binary is your sibling presenting? Can we get them a jumpsuit? Can we get them overalls? They got a raccoon. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Add on. Theo Vaughn's haircut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? A bitchy attitude for no reason. Obviously a job at Starbucks where you fuck up people's orders. There we go. Someone got his little Frappuccino fucked up. Yeah, have you changed your name to River yet? I'm so sorry. You should be boycotting Starbucks anyway. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I haven't. And that's why I chat today so fast. It was Allah giving you diarrhea. So, yeah, I mean, this is just like
I see what you're saying about, but it seems like you gotta let people come out on their own terms. Yeah. But also it's, it's a, I think it's a strange thing though, in a way of like, well, the mom knows and is very supporting. Like, yes, the dad is the last puzzle piece, but the mom also has a relationship with the dad and could maybe soften the blow or like talk to the dad and be like, Hey, look. And then as time comes or the dad could even be like, because the mom said she, the only reason she is,
is upset or anything is because she was saying the wrong thing for so long and loves their child. So like maybe the mom could say it so that the dad can be like, look, I love you. Like, I agree, but I think I agree with you. And I think there's plenty of ways where this, this could work out fine and nicely. But I also think our caller here, as far as what his, what his job is here is just like, talk to your sibling, right?
See what they want to do. See how you can be supportive. If you feel really strongly about how it's not fair to your mom, you can bring it up once. It's like, hey, why don't we think about this? But ultimately, whatever. Your mom's fine. Your dad probably doesn't even have fucking any idea. You know what I mean? And also, it's like they go by they, them. Like, they're not...
Getting surgery or like any like Astronom it's like just it's not that Big of a deal anymore yeah I mean I mean it might but the thing is it might Be to them you know what I mean like Who's on first We're not doing non-binary Who's on first
Who gives a shit? They're they, that. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah, I agree with you, obviously. But to this non-binary sibling, it's fine. Well, then hire me and Mike and we'll go kick the shit out of their dad. No one said that that's even going to be... That'd be cool. I just mean... We go around and beat the shit out of people's parents that don't accept them? Just beat it into them? Yeah. You're going to love you then! Yeah.
So, yeah, but I do think ultimately this even a general thing, if someone has a secret or is coming out for anything, right, like whether it's like being gay, being trans, being non-binary or even just something they're just they're keeping. They have some, you know, desire to do something that they'd rather keep private, whatever it is.
It's not up to you. Yeah, it would make your life easier and your mom's life easier if you came out to your dad. It's also not their story to tell. Exactly. And you don't know the ins and outs of your siblings' relationships and worries about telling your dad, right? So I would just say talk to them. Like, maybe talk specifically about, like,
What's going on? Like, you know, pitch it to them and then see. And even just be there as an opportunity to talk it out with them about, you know, their feelings towards your dad, about coming out in general. You could say it's not a big deal, whatever, but it's like. Also, aren't moms supposed to keep secrets? Yeah.
All moms do is keep secrets. Yeah. They love it. Yeah. Yeah, they love you. Although they love gossiping, too. They do, yeah. Dude, can I tell you the funniest thing I ever saw? So you got to come out before your mom spills the beans. She might have already told her dad. I saw a video of a mom getting the family together to sing happy birthday to a woman that the dad wished happy birthday to on Facebook that the mom hated. Yeah.
It was. That's really funny. And she was like, we're all going to wish Kathy a happy birthday because your father thinks it's so important to wish a woman that I don't like happy birthday on Facebook. Happy birthday. And the three-year-old kids are like,
And the dad's like, you are ridiculous. This is, I mean, this is too much. Respect. Respect to her. Yeah. Being married's great. All right, give us another one, LD. Hello.
This is Rick from Maryland. I have a bit of a situation. I'm planning my best friend's bachelor party. You know, coordinating, getting the Airbnb, trying to figure out events to do, get everybody's information, let them know what it is, where we're going, where it is, how much is per person, the split cost of the Airbnb mostly. And one guy confirmed 100% down and then two weeks out basically sent a message saying, hey, I'm probably going to have to work that week. Um...
We'll probably not be going, but if I do, which is fine, typically things happen. I can understand this. This is what I don't understand. He's saying if he does, if he is able to go, somehow he's not, he doesn't work. He's just going to stay at his friend's house that's local to the area that we're visiting. That's crazy. Didn't mention the bill or anything or paying for his portion that he understood he was kind of, you know,
Fuck this dude. I can't think straight right now, but come on. Like, am I being, it's the, it's the principle, right? I agree. It's the principle, not the money necessarily. That's not going to hurt me in any real world situation, but like, he's just going to show up like while we're in like, Hey guys, how's it going? And I'm just like, you're just staying at your friend's house. We're all doing this thing together. And then you just kind of slithered away and just like got out of a little bit of obligation, a little bit of cash. Like it just pisses me off. And I don't want to be the Debbie Downer.
On vacation, make it awkward and confront him. I don't know. What do you guys think? Give me something, please. Thanks, guys. Sorry, Ian was having diarrhea again. So you all agreed to go on this trip? Yeah, so basically what happened is it's a bachelor party and he's, I guess, the...
You couldn't have held him in? No, I've had to go for something. Oh, really? Anyway. I have a small bladder. I do have an issue with my prostate. Go ahead. What is that from? It's been getting pushed into my... Very nice, man. So basically, yeah, I guess he's the best man. Fill me in. Or just organizing...
Yeah, you couldn't have waited to hear and then piss while we answer and then come back? I had to piss so bad. Okay, whatever. Yeah, he's organizing his best friend's bachelor party. Everyone confirmed. This guy confirmed he's 100% in. And then he was like, hey, guys, I think I'm probably going to have to work.
But then the guy said, now if by some miracle I'm able to get out of working, I'm probably just going to stay at the guy's house. So... His friend's house. Some different guy's house. So he's not... Basically, here's what I think is happening here. This guy doesn't want to pay for the Airbnb. And he's trying to weasel out of it. And like...
I agree with him it is the principle where it's like if from the beginning he had been like hey man money's a little tight I want to come to this but I'm going to crash at my friend's place and by the way you don't think this guy's going to end up sleeping on a couch if he's too fucked up like that's it does I agree with him well I didn't get a room I was just on the couch yeah so and again you are right paying attention you are right where uh uh
You will have to be kind of a dickhead to be like... You just have to... Yeah, do you want to confront him about it? I sort of get that. I get being like, hey dude, this is... But he is just trying to weasel his way out of it. And you do have to decide. Is this worth making a big scene about? Or...
Part of me, I've said this before, this came up before in a different episode, and I do think there's a little bit of cost of doing business when you're the one in charge of the bachelor party. Just understand, you're going to be down a couple grand. You're going to be fucked. That's part of being the best man, being the guy who plans it. Someone's going to welch. Someone's going to do something. You're going to have to hunt people down for money. Welch on, like, you know.
Like you welch on what you owe people. Like walk out on? It's a fucking word. Go to dictionary.com. I've never heard that before. Have you ever heard that before? You welch on something? No, but I mean, I trust him enough, I think. Welch definition, please. Welch is fruit juice. To avoid payment.
Is that good, Ian? Yeah. Do we have to halt a podcast every time you don't know a word? Oh, you mean once in a million fucking podcasts? But why did you choose... First of all... Because I wanted better context and understanding of what you were saying. How about context clues?
It's a guy who doesn't want to pay for it. Did you know what he meant by Welch? I've never heard that term before, but I didn't stop to show it. No, it's fucking just positive ingredients in this kid's head the whole time. And fucking reading the Quran. He's not paying attention to what you're saying. Whatever. Fuck you, Ian. We'll get you a word of the day calendar. Hey, if at home you are glad that I got understanding what Welch meant,
Like my special, share it with a friend, Ian Finance. I'm sorry. Ian, quiet down. Eldest, from now on, go back and bleep what the special's called. So let's just not ever say what it is. And link to Racine's special twice. It's like Game of Thrones, you know? I gotta choose who I'm loyal to. House Targaryen.
A classic, Ian. Tag that's just a thing he knows. And a gay voice. It's act out voice or sound. Reference in an act out voice or sound. We don't have 10 minutes for crap work that goes nowhere. I'm like, I started an ally shift. You're talking about your own act?
Whose crowd work goes nowhere? I'm like, I started an ally ship with Stavros. I'm now aligned with the house of Stavros. All right. Ellis, let's pull up some Ian crowd work videos, actually. He's just kind of made his own bed, and we will be sleeping in it all together. Yeah, dude, so...
You have to decide here, like, what do you want to do about this? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've reworked this joke, by the way. Yeah, let's listen to this one. I've reworked this joke. Let's listen to this one. No, no, no. It's much better. You know what, Ian, how about this? We'll just go to your Instagram and pick the three most recent ones. Blind. I haven't posted anything. Just blind. I got nothing to hide.
Let's play this one. This one's really good. We've played it before. He's fun.
My great cat, I call him my little house wolf. His name is Samson, and he is just a cute... Oh, my God, he's so gorgeous. Oh, I kiss him on his little fish lips. Mmm, mmm, mmm. I grab him, I go, you are a vampire, you are a vampire. And I make him have his little fangs out. Yeah, I took that part out. He can't do anything, I feed him. I'm his God. What was he going to do, run away? I don't think so. What do you need? Oh, yes.
Go to Ian Fidance. Let's go to his YouTube. Check out my special Ian Fidance I'm normal. Hold on, let's actually, I'm actually doing this. Just search, yeah. Come on, I'll just do a little. My YouTube turned into the, I turned my YouTube into the podcast YouTube. Oh, that's good. How about the IG? Yeah, let's see what the IG has. Go for it.
But yeah, so in this case, I agree. I know why this guy's mad, right? I know why the caller's mad, but you have to decide. I'll just go down, go down, go down, go down. Oh, let's see what that one is. That's just a picture. Oh, it's just a picture. Go down. Oh, here we go. Your dad is kind of gay. Let's see what this one is. We haven't heard this one yet. I'm just guessing it's bad. All right, go to the beginning. Is he bisexual? Maybe. Hmm. Well...
What are you doing later? Because you obviously have daddy issues. There it is, folks. Well, and you see what I like? As Ian paused, you see that great quip loading? He's like, well, well, it took him three thoughts. Yeah, three buffers to come up with, why don't I suck your dick later? Because you got daddy issues. Three.
All right, whatever. And the ending was very funny. So thank you. Also, if you do play a clip, go down to the one of me riding a horse. Anyway, whatever. We'll play more later. This is... To answer this guy's question...
Yeah, I don't know, man. You just have to fucking eat it and then you could just be like, okay, man, well, can you let us know? No, no. You know what, actually? If he's like, I can't make it because it's not just the Airbnb. There's other activities, aren't there? What are you laughing about? I saw your face. I like to see you giggle. You feel really good.
Yeah, that's the gift of being bad at stand-up comedy, Ian. What? That's what you bring to the world. I'm a fucking prolific stand-up. Prolific? Do not ask how. Or on what profile.
Do you think prolific and profile are connected as words? It's Welch. This is my fault. I've let you bring me down into the retard mud. That's on me. That's on me. Water's fine. Come on in, boys. The water's fine in here.
Okay. But so I would say, how about this? This guy's like, hey, if I do happen to come, like, I'll stay with my friend. Aren't there other activities? Like, when I did a bachelor party, it was like we went to a basketball game. We went to a, we went to see wrestling. We got reservations at a steakhouse. Like, he can't be like. We put on wigs and went to a comedy show. Yeah, we put on wigs. We screamed at the person on stage. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Got drunk off White Ziffindale. Tried to fuck every black host. Not to sell them seeing black face. Anyway, so I would, yeah. This guy is clearly trying to weasel out of the Airbnb, but a bachelor party is about, you're planning everything. So I think you have to be like, hey man,
Are you going to be, are you going? Because if that's the case, we have to change our reservation. We have to do this. So either tell us if you can't go, great. If you can, we'd love to have you, but we kind of have to know everybody else has been confirmed for months. I think that's how you handle it. Totally. And then if he's like, well, I can come, but
But I'm not staying at the Airbnb. Then you could be like, well, what the fuck? If you're coming, you're staying at the Airbnb. You're already confirmed. Yeah. So that's how I would go about it personally. Yeah. Or, hey, if you're not staying, pay what you owe. Right, right, right. Because otherwise it's a ship all move. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Be upfront about it. And so...
I just wouldn't let him get away with the, hey, if I do happen to come, because that's also bullshit. Well, now you've got an empty slot, so maybe the guy's fiance can come. Yeah, that's true. Maybe, yeah, you can get a couple girls there. Your girlfriends can come. Maybe the guy can bring his mom. That'd be kind of fun. I don't spend any time with my mom.
My best buds and my mom and my bachelor. That sounds like the perfect bachelor party. I wouldn't mind my mom being at the day part of a bachelor party. My mom coming, bringing some sweets. All right, Eldest, what else we got, brother? Cut the crust off everybody's sandwiches. Ew, that's not bad. It's pretty fucking good. Laugh at all your jokes and stuff, doesn't it?
Stavi baby. Hello, Elba. Hello, lovely guest. Last call wasn't fast enough, so I'll try and do it a little shorter, I think. I'm a sperm donor for a friend of mine. She's a lesbian woman. I live on the other side of the country from her. I'm asking because I want your advice on how do I tell my parents eventually once the kid exists. They're old school Catholic. They're kind of judgmental about...
Alternative family arrangements. Where's your cum going, son? Good friend. Lesbian woman, like I said. I don't want any parental obligation on my parents. How do I tell my parents eventually? You better not be putting it in any far away pussy. I hope you're not donating your sperm to any lesbians. Oh, please. I think because I want your advice on how do I tell my parents eventually once the kid exists.
Ian, did you clog his toilet? It's like so running. They're old school Catholic. They're kind of judgmental. Let me check it out for you, Steph. Turned into family arrangement. A little more context. Friend of mine, good friend, lesbian woman, like I said. She didn't want any parental obligation on my part, so I thought, great, even better. Help the girl out, and I think she'd make a great mom. So thank you. Love the show. Love the pod. Take it easy.
Yeah, it's none of your parents' business how you make $75. Absolutely. But truly, who gives? You don't, like, you're a sperm donor, brother. Especially this woman didn't want you to have any parental obligations. As far as I'm concerned, this is not your kid at all. It's not your fucking parent's grandchild. You don't have to say shit to them. In fact, what's the upside here?
What is the good thing that happens? Your friend said she didn't want you having any involvement. That probably goes double for your fucking Catholic parents. You think when this woman asked for your nut, she was thinking your fucking annoying mom would know about your kid? I disagree. If you're an Italian Catholic, you've been a bad Italian by not keeping your mouth shut. That's right. I disagree because what is the difference between no involvement and...
you know, send me pictures and I, you know, want to know about this and let's one is one thing. One is another thing. Right. Right. But, but what I'm saying is, you know, like, do you think that he will change in terms of like, eventually he'll like want to meet the child and he'll want to, you know, like maybe have the child meet his grandparents. Like, why can't they maybe talk about, cause a friend of mine did this and I,
donated sperm to a lesbian couple and he, you know, travels for work. He's not around a lot, but he is involved in the sense that he comes around. The child knows him. They know the deal. But that's your friend. We're talking about a different person. No, no, I understand. But like this, this whole like absolutely no involvement is kind of odd to me in the sense that like- Imagine being a sperm donor. You go to your kid's birthday party and you're like peering through the window and they just like close the blinds. I don't think it's weird. I think like-
This is the situation they agreed upon. They want to be the parent. They want to be the parent. It's like we want to adopt a kid. It's basically like... Right, but there's a difference between parental obligation and just updates on your literal child.
Either way. Hold on. No, it's not. It's not his kid. Yes, it's his sperm. It's not his fucking. They created a child. It's his child. What are you talking? Dude, it's her kid. He's a sperm donor. I understand, but that doesn't. Legally, it's not his kid. But scientifically, it is.
So what? So what? Scientifically, an adopted kid... Okay, then what? If somebody adopts a kid that's not their kid? I'm not saying that. But you can't deny the fact that this child is made from his sperm, which is his kid. By definition. I'm not... Points Finance is back in action. Like, these... What are these fucking logistics that we're talking... These semantics that we're debating? Go ahead, Elvis. I'll go with Ian here because...
I feel like it is more on his mind than just the arrangement if he's even thinking about, like, you know, should I even tell my parents? Or some level of him, like, might be, you know, I'll have a kid out there. Do they deserve to know? They don't. They have a grandkid. But they don't have a grandkid. I totally disagree. They don't have a grandkid. But they do.
What the fuck are you? That's not what don't. If you jack off in a cup so he knows the girl, what's the difference? It's donor. You give it up. You're not even a parent really. This is Ian's fantasy of having a family. He knows he's not going to get one the regular way. So he's like, oh, one of my lesbian friends is going to want me to jack off in a cup. That's what I mean. I would want to be involved. That's what I mean. You are personalizing this. No, I'm not at all.
I'm not at all. You just talked about your friend and how you would want to be approached. I use the friend as an analogous situation. I'm not personalizing. I'm just saying, logically, the child was made from a sperm. Maybe two lesbians at the park trying to play with their kid, and Ian's like, hey! Where's the sperm? Who jacked off into a cup? He should be here. He deserves to play catch. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm saying that...
The child is his, legality or not. It's not, though, dude. But it is. Eldest. It's not his kid. I mean, I would tell this guy, like, you know, are you guys clear on what the arrangement's going to be? Are you comfortable with that? I'm saying I guarantee... So even if someone signs paperwork... Can I finish? Can I finish? I'm saying I guarantee if he is good, good friends with this woman...
He is going to have an incredibly difficult time moving forward, having this child in his life and not having an existential thing in him going, this is my son. You are completely projecting. You don't know this guy at all. So you're saying that this guy can just detach himself from biology and the fact that he actually gave life to something that he's going to be a way out. Yes! That's what I'm saying. I think so. If they're clear on the arrangement, his parents don't need to know. People are deadbeat
Dad's constantly with women they love. This is just some guy who beat off in a cup for his friend. I could no problem beat off in a cup and then like somebody wants to have the kid. I
I will not think. I'll be like, oh, I wonder. I couldn't do it. But that's what I'm saying. That's my entire point. Which informs my opinion. And my opinion goes against yours. And that's totally fine. We don't agree. No, but you are an odder person than most people. You have. Okay. You have like, this is a perfect thing for you because it's like, this is the exact thing you couldn't handle, I think. And you're, because of how you're like. He just shows up dressed like bluey. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you can see his kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think this would be exceptionally hard for you in a way that it wouldn't be for most people. In what way? I think because you struggle with like you search for...
intimacy and family and like connection in a way more than most people do and I think you have you would think a biological connection to a kid would mean like you would assign importance to it that like doesn't wouldn't be the same for every person that's what I'm saying I possibly
But I am also just saying, take a step back. Do you think... You're being a biological realist in the way that's like... This is basically trans women aren't women, but like adopted kids aren't your kids kind of shit. I've never said adopted kids aren't your kids, but I'm saying someone that is born from your sperm is...
Your child, by definition. They came from you. But it's pure semantics. As somebody who made a kid with my sperm, like, the sperm doesn't really... It's not much. It's raising it. I think that's a cocked opinion. Well, you are a bisexual man. So what? So you're telling me... You're telling me that if you... Say you... Say Alice was a lesbian woman. Okay. And you...
gave your sperm to him. He didn't say it's his best friend. It's just sperm. You're not the one carrying it or raising it or anything. By the way, Ian, if Eldest had a kid, I would care about it because it's Eldest's kid. If it was my jizz, it wouldn't change it. I would still love his kid like I'm his uncle the same way. And he can have that relationship with her, but that doesn't mean...
I mean, this is crazy that we're talking about this this long. You're just wrong. You're just wrong and you're adding 20 minutes to the podcast for no reason. No, we spent 20 minutes on that dumb guy's... Do I ask my friend for money for an Airbnb? How do I confront another man? I'm a pussy. It was not 20 minutes. What I'm asking is, you don't think... And most of what we spent the time was watching your shitty stand-up. That's what we were doing. Opinions.
Let's pull up some more Ian clips. This is the guy who's making this point, folks. The guy who posted Samson Vampire. Not set it on stage. We all say dumps it on stage. But edit it. Clipped it. It was like, the people got to see this one. Anyway, whatever. Also, it was three years ago. Okay. I still do the bit kind of.
No, I'm just saying, do you think that eldest could have your son and you wouldn't feel some sort of connection or some sort of longing or some sort of deeper thing to his child seeing him raise your child? Being an uncle is fine. I would feel the same. Eldest is maybe a bad example because no matter if it was my nut or his nut,
I would be, that's a kid that I love and want to be there for. Of course. Right? So it's like, but no, it wouldn't change, if, like, donorship, man, that's the same thing. That's what we're talking about. You are a donor. If I give somebody my fucking kidney, you're not like, hey, let me look at your fucking belly. But,
But they are going to start developing your looks and your mannerisms, your feel. Not even necessarily. That's not how... I just disagree. And I feel like I've stated my point and you're insulting me and telling me I'm dumb and this and that and the other. And I love fucking jokes, but I'm not being dumb. I feel like I'm...
Clearly stating... You're being a biological realist in a strange way where you're putting importance on the biological material over the act of raising someone, over the act of the hours you spend with them. And my argument is... He also doesn't change his mind easily. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, I do. Well, not like when you're confronted with different information. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes...
I would say, how about this? I will change his mind about gossip, but very gradually. Yeah, because it takes me time to process shit, and I'm not a spotless fucking pussy that goes, yeah, you know what, guys? You're right, I'm wrong. But...
I have, and you admit this because it's happened, had conversations, walked away, and then later contacted you and go, hey man, I thought about it and you're right. In a week, call me so we can discuss this. Okay, fine. But also, I'm just saying. Okay, that's besides the point. We're on some dumb semantic argument. I don't think we are. And I understand that you're calling me dumb. No, no. I said dumb semantic argument. Aldous agrees with me about. Aldous is dumb too. Because he's eating.
Pocky! He's Albanian. Does he agree? Go ahead. I can see what Ian is saying in that I'm sure this probably does happen with people who donate sperm sometimes. Speaking of kids, I've got to pick up mine in 10 minutes. Yeah, Mike's son has just been in the hot car this whole time with the windows rolled up.
Yes, but okay. But it's like if he goes into it like agreeing to these terms, she lives across the country, and he's like, yes, I'm the sperm donor. You can't be like, well, what if I had a crystal ball and 20 years from now he has some thing where he's like, oh my God, that's my son and I haven't been present for his life. If we take at face value that they agree on the arrangement, you can't say, you know.
I don't know. I definitely wouldn't call it like his parents' grandkid. How about this? Exactly. Going off the... My biggest issue here is going off the information we have, what you're describing just doesn't... That's not present anywhere.
other than maybe the thought of like his parents and i think that has to do more with his relationship with his parents not this kid and if he were to all of a sudden in 15 years say that's my kid i need to be involved he would be breaking their he would be breaking their agreement he would be out of line probably breaking the law he'd probably be breaking yeah exactly he would definitely be breaking the agreement he had with someone who doesn't want him to have any parental obligation
Going back to the original question and not the argument that I think is relatively pointless that we're having, his parents, in my opinion, don't deserve shit here. In no way is it their grandkid. There's no way it's their grandkid. In no way would you consider this kid their grandchild. He donated his sperm. But he gave someone in lineage to them. That does not matter.
That does not matter. I'm saying it matters, but I'm not saying he needs to tell them.
I'm saying, but that factually does matter. It doesn't. Only in this weird debate club, you're trying to score like a point here. But in terms of their lives, yes, okay, technically they share a quarter of DNA or an eighth of DNA with this baby, with this lesbian woman's son. Fine. You got me there, Ian. But it is not their grandchild. It is not someone that they, you know, that they have any... In my opinion, they have no right to...
to this woman's kid. This woman doesn't want that. When he entered into this agreement, she was like, "Hey, I need someone to help me have a kid."
would you do it? She was not thinking about dealing with his parents. The kid's grandparents are her parents. That's who the kid's grandparents are. And he would be out of line and he would definitely be out of line. First of all, for him to even think about this without saying, I mean, the person you talk about this with is your friend. It's the woman. Exactly. It's like, I guess in theory, if she's like,
Yeah, they can be, you know, if she feels like she wants them involved, my hunch is no. But the thing is, this is not, I guess the overall thing is,
The order of who's important here is the woman first, the kid, him, and then way down the list. I'm in total agreeance with you on all of that. Okay. But that's what I'm saying. Your point just didn't really matter. We just got into like a semantic debate that doesn't change the facts of the thing. And so... And I'm putting a little bit of my stink on it, but I do feel that, you know, like, I don't know, it's...
Being a sperm donor for a friend and being like,
This kid isn't even going to know that I exist, but I'm going to keep a relationship with her. That to me is like, well, I think you're selling yourself short, the kid short, the mom short. Like, why wouldn't you want some sort of, you know, the kid's going to want to know his father one day unless, you know, the mom is lying that like this and that. Like, I would assume so. I mean, a sperm daughter does not a father make. I'm not saying, I'm just saying like directly this child exists because of him.
Okay. Fine. It does. You got me there. The child one day may be like, hey, what was dad like? I want to know this and that. And if he's in the life. But that's not about what we're talking about. And exactly, you cross that bridge when you get to it. And it's the mother's decision. Which is why he should cross the bridge of telling the parents when the kid gets older. I don't think there's any. If the woman's pregnant, I think it would be fucked up to go, hey, mom.
and dad I got a woman pregnant but I'm not gonna be alive he didn't get it somebody donated sperm to my mom I wouldn't be like oh I need to meet the sperm donor that's not my dad my dad is I mean I would I'd be like maybe I get a good dad my name to Stavros Williams or whatever the fuck
And I do think our histories with dads and everything does inform our opinions on this issue. But again, what I'm saying is I don't think he should tell his parents now. I don't think it's any of their business right now. But I do think down the line, eventually, a conversation will more likely than not be had. Not necessarily. Well, I disagree.
And that's fine. I would say he needs to talk to the woman about this. Totally. His friend, first and foremost. So how about this? He talks to a woman, and she says, under no circumstances tell your parents. Then what does he do, Ian? He crosses his fingers behind his back and says, okay. But this is the only chance y'all have to have a child.
please, my mom's about to die. She can't, she's got to know the finance seat is going on. Conversations that are jokes that are close to real life. That's all we're talking about here. I think like, obviously, yes, with the agreement that you have as a mom, I'm just, I'm just saying I, and I could totally be wrong. I fully admit that. But I, I do think at a certain point, something will come down the line. If he's,
close friends with this woman, there's going to be something deeper, maybe not involvement, but some sort of conversation like, Hey, yeah. And then you came from, but then even this, this and that doesn't make him the dad, the kid's dad. It makes him a very close family friend. It makes him basically like an uncle figure in his, in the kid's life. Sure. And like, that's like, that's again, not to bring it back to his question about how do I tell my parents that,
You don't, in my opinion. And in fact, before you even think about telling them, you need to have that conversation with your friend. And if you think, oh, I don't want to have that, that's uncomfortable, then that's your answer. If you think your friend's going to be like, what? Tell your fucking parents. That's not what we agreed on. Then you don't tell your parents. Now, if your friend is like, hey, man, it's up to you, but just so you know, this is my son. He's not your son. Like, that's the thing. I just, I guess...
This is an opportunity for our caller here. Understand what you agreed on, and even if your feelings have changed... Like, Ian, can you stop sending us cigarettes? The baby is not going to listen to ska, Ian. Can you please just play Real Big Fish? Stop sending him checker fucking vans in baby sizes. What the heck?
Oh, man. I started saying that joke and then I looked at his feet and I was like, God. I heard you stutter a little too. Yeah, it was because I looked at it. I was like, oh. The baby's feet. I was like, oh, no, he's really wearing them. No, I mean, I think that the dude, it...
he better not fucking tell his parents because he's going to, if his parents are Christian, Catholic, conservative, he's going to tell them and they're going to go, yo, we want to meet this fucking kid. And then he's going to go, well, legally, and that's going to be a huge fucking deal. So keep your fucking mouth shut. Don't fucking say anything to your parents. Do you text them every time you jack off? I know I said this already. Right, right, right. No, that's a great point. I don't, oh, should I text? Yeah. Should I call my mom? Hey mom, I cream pied a woman yesterday. Uh,
If she's not on birth control, maybe you'll have a grandkid for, I don't know, 10 days or so, sort of. Hey, why am I dropping more on this girl's face?
But yeah, dude, don't say shit. And if you ever even think about it, talk to your friend first and understand that what's important here is her and her family that you were a donor to. Donor is the operative word. The more time in between the child and you telling your parents, the more they'll probably be willing to be okay with it because right now they're going to want to see the kid. They're going to want to, oh my God, blah, blah, blah. And they're not allowed. I know.
I wouldn't even think in those terms. How about we move on? I don't even think we'd think in those terms at all. But yeah, let's finish this up. Did you have a clip you wanted to play? We have a final question, I believe. Truck stop and all this. I mean, we could play one quick. Let's palate cleanser. Let's play an Ian clip just to kind of clear the air. Do you see the one with the horse?
I hate young people. Let's try that. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. All right, you know what? It was for a don't tell set. Okay. I fucking, you know what? Ian, stop talking over it. Replay it. Replay it. Replay it. This is good. I don't get me. Well, just sit back and take your lumps. How do I?
Delete. I don't like young people. I'm sorry, okay? I don't like young people. I don't like kids. I don't like anyone born after 9/11. Okay? I don't. How can you never forget?
Look at the physicality. If you never fucking knew, okay? Don't tell me how to live my life, Aiden or Gracie. Oh, the name. Oh, no! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You two faggots. I'm adding more names to the list. Allergic to peanuts. He did a peanut allergy to John. Allergy to a planet of nuts. Sorry. Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ. Are they all doing some fucking hack? No, no, no.
I said, are they also gluten-free? Yeah. No, but maybe the next time I tell it, they will be. First of all, it's one thing to get a laugh on a name hack. We all know that. To do five in a row, incredible. Incredible stuff. Can I tell you? Can I tell you? I did this in Vegas, and it hit so hard to the point where I go, I'm never doing this joke again.
He hates young people, folks. I do. He hates young people. I like him. Look at that. That's why I was young.
You literally might be my favorite comedian. No comedian brings me more joy than watching your clips. Sure sounds like it by the volume of your voice right now.
I hate young people. The second I gave up, I was like, ooh. I was shook over, knocked your computer over. Who fucking hates young people? I have peanut allergies. And they're named Aiden and Chrysanthemum. One person I met named Chrysanthemum. Oh, fuck. You're on the list. Holy shit, that was awesome. You're on the list.
You know what? That's why we put up with that last conversation, guys. It's like you're giving, you're taking a relationship. All right. I'm literally in a great mood right now. Let's get a nice one going, Elders. Let's finish this off here. Go watch the special Live, Laugh, Love, V and Fight In. And I'm Normal Mike Racine on the YouTube right now.
It's linked here. Now go ahead, finish this off, Elders. What's up, Shabby? Elders. Oh, man. Love the podcast. Love the special. Congratulations on everything. This is actually a call for the guy who wants all the hair off his balls so his wife will suck them. I had something similar. You guys were talking about waxing. Easiest thing you can do, don't shave, don't wax. You get this shit called veeps.
It's like Nair, but it is nicer on your balls. Veatch? You gotta get the Veatch sensitive skin. It's like the shit that's for women. It comes in a pink bottle of boohoo. You put it all over your hands. Flatter it all over your dick and balls. You wait five minutes, seven minutes, hop in the shower.
Yo, this kid's been taking gluten free hormones! He has a good feed on their nuts!
Back in my day, we used Manscaped. Esmeralda, Giselle, Jasmine, Toby.
Well, there you go, folks. Veet. And remember, go watch the specials. It's called I Hate Young People. It's called Back in My Day, Ian Fidance. Yes, that's right. Doing hack boomer comedy with your fucking Philly fanatic shin tattoo showing is so fucking awesome. In shorts, khaki shorts with a belt. Wearing Jordan on my shirt. Wearing a shirt off me.
Come on. All right. That's going to do it for us, folks. And remember, how can you never forget if you don't remember? If you never knew. If you never knew or whatever. Or whatever. We're fucking losers. Bye-bye. See you next time.
