#59 - Andy Haynes and Mike Recine
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Opa! Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STOP. Call in, we'll solve your problems. What a beautiful year 2024 has been so far, boys. We got two of our favorites in the studio. Two of the most hard, you know, we're trying not to curse in the first two minutes. Hard thingied guys. Are you uncut?

I wish. Oh, man. Yeah. You're uncut, right? Of course. Yeah, dude. Of course. I've seen Andy's dick, actually. How is it? It's nice. Thanks, buddy. It's flaccid, but it's nice. I would guess, yeah. I'm like a good... I would guess you have a nice... I do a good show you my dick, like, surprise thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if the boys are hanging out, I'll do, like, a... I'll walk through the room naked. It looks like a bird. Like a rare bird. Right, right. Yeah.

A rare bird. Looks like a bird of paradise flower, but that's because I have some circulation issues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gets a little blue. It's blue in the testicles. My kid is uncut, though, proudly. Respect. Good. I believe you had that conversation beforehand. No, no, when you were thinking about it, because I'm a pro...

Yeah, I think I put you on speakerphone with my family. I did, yeah. And I said, tell them. And I argued my case. I remember your wife yelling and arguing against me. Oh, yeah. And me being like, no. Yeah. It's got to be. Well, she's like hardcore anti-circumcision. Oh, really? Then maybe somebody else was. Maybe. Maybe somebody else in the background. I think it's gone. I think it's on the way out. Yeah. I just don't think people are doing it. Well, it's because Israel's killing all those children. Yes.

So everybody's like, no, no, no.

Everyone's distancing themselves. Well, Muslims are uncircumcised. Are they? Oh, I didn't know that. That broke my heart when I found that out. I thought that was going to bring us together. Greeks and Arabs riding against circumcision, but no. So who's even uncut then? Just Greek? Just Europeans? Just everyone but... What about the Chinese? Yeah. What about the Ruskies too? Ruskies uncut. Yeah. Ruskies uncut for sure. Yeah.

South America is probably uncut. South America is uncut. Okay. Wait, are Catholics uncut? Because that's a huge indicator. Oh, I don't know if it's... Catholics are circumcised. Oh, they are? No, because, yeah. Do Chinese circumcise their children? Oh, okay. Only 2.6 of men are circumcised in China. Okay. So maybe we lost Marsden, but we're back. We're riding with the Chinese. All right.

my Asian brothers we're gonna get there that's a nice force yeah I think I'll be riding with the Mongol hordes at my back against against the circumcised waving the flag of foreskin yeah yeah

Force game does look like a yurt, you know? So it's very appropriate that they would keep it. It's beautiful. Yeah. I shot a little short film at a temple a couple weeks ago, and I told my wife, I go, yeah, and downstairs there was a bris going on. And she goes, oh, you mean like mutilating a baby's genitals against their will? Oh, wow, good for her. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome, man. Yeah. She's come around. What do you think made her, what do you think just... A documentary on Amazon. Really? Yeah.

She was on the fence about it. You're telling me. Dude, that's so funny to think about somebody trying to unwind after a hard day's work and be like, should I watch Seinfeld reruns? Should I check out the game? No, I'll check out. I'll just fucking put on this. It's called Clift or something. What's this? Stolen. Stolen. She's eating like a sweet green salad during it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a tough thing to be super passionate about because at the end of the day, no one really wants to think about a little boy's penis too long. Right, right, right. You know, it's like the meter for when that gets uncomfortable. It's quick. But that's what our enemies want, folks. They're using that against us. They don't want us to spend 30 minutes on this podcast talking about baby little dicks. Little baby dicks. Yeah, yeah. They'll bury us in the algorithm because of it.

But we will charge on. We will continue to talk about it. Every time Racine's on the show, the view count is down. I don't know why. Why did we lose monetization? I hate when Racine gets political.

Andy, for sure, if you'd had a boy, you would have kept him unclipped. Yeah, for sure. Did that ever, or did you guys know before you even had the conversation that you were going to have a girl?

Did you guys ever discuss it? Yeah, I mean, that fucking, like... That's kind of a last-minute thing. Every single one of them. We have six embryos from doing IVF. That's not how we got pregnant, but we did IVF. They were all girls. Oh, wow. Yeah. The only one was... You got girl jizz. Yeah. You got girly jizz. No, I think we just... Rosebud's so domineering that she just was like... She took over. Her DNA was in the womb being like, we're going to have a girl. But...

But we had one... Both can be true. You can have girl jizz and your wife can be a domineering woman. Let's just call it because she's mean. Why don't we say that? I'm going to say both. I'm going to have my cake and eat it too. I'm going to have a European modern version of masculinity and my wife's a bitch. Matt...

The most I can give you is assigned male at birth transitions. That's the highest I can go with your jizz, Andy. I'm sorry. That's the most masculine I can give you, pal. It sure might take some hormones to fully make it a girl, but it's a girl. I can't believe I'm getting roasted in the one place I felt safe.

Sorry, man. It calls them like I seize them. Yeah. Well, I'm trying to have another kid. I'm getting yelled at for my sperm not being good enough. Oh, really? Yeah. What do you do? What's wrong with your sperm? Slow? I don't know. Count too low? I'm like, what about your eggs, bitch? What about those stale eggs? Yeah. Old men can have babies pretty easy. Right. I'm like, I bet if I had sex with my 19-year-old cousin, you know, she'd get pregnant. Yeah.

Look up factors that give you good sperms. Let's see what Racine's up against here. Well, there's a fertility doctor on Instagram that studies sperm samples. So you'll see the cells moving around. You can mail a lady your jizz and she'll look at it? Yeah. That's awesome. It's funny because I've been saying I did not sign up for that, but she kept on getting envelopes. She's just like dripping out of the bottom of a manila envelope.

Don't even open that one. Please put it in a baggie. You know we supply vials. In an envelope. What happened about her? She looks at these sperm samples and it's crazy how much they're like, some of them are moving around, some of them not so much because they're alive. Yeah, it makes you feel like a connection. To the jizz? You're like, maybe it should be illegal to jack off because you are murdering

Hell no, dude. You are kind of killing babies. I'll stomp those jizzes. Yeah. No problem. I guess it's different for me because I'm a parent. That's true. I don't know what happened. I had a child three months ago, but I started taking hair shit, like a pill, maybe four months ago, and I can't shoot ropes anymore. Really? I think it's the pill. You got to go bald and have the ropes, dude. But it's like whenever I come out- What's coming out?

It's coming out, but it's coming out like sap on the side of a tree. Like sap. It's just like opening up an old oil well. What if you wait a while? What if you save up your nut? Yeah, give it like a month and a half. Jesus Christ. Give us five days no nuts. There's so many holes in the walls of my apartment. Yeah.

It is cool when you don't jack off for like a week and then you finally do and there's a lot of... Fire one out. Nice. You do, yeah, you feel great. You feel awesome. It is true. And that is, you know, it's interesting. What does that say about us wanting big fat loads? Why is a big load better than a small one? I think you feel like you did something. Yeah. You know? I think you just feel more...

Like that's more... Virile. Yeah, you feel... It's more of you. There's more chance that that load could have led to a baby. Even though I don't want a baby, it's nice knowing I have the capabilities. Would you get a vasectomy? Would I? Yeah. Just in theory? Yeah. Let's say I had kids and I was done. But you want kids someday? I don't know. Yeah. I'm going to keep it open. But if I had a kid and I was like, all right, enough of this...

Definitely I would get snipped up. It's weird how it's just like very easily reversible though. Is it? Apparently. That's what I've heard, yeah. If it is, then maybe I should do it. Like to get rid of your, like to do a hysterectomy as a woman, you have to like basically like give up, you know, just like a decade of feeling normal. That's awesome. But for guys, we do like a snip and then we're like, actually, I do kind of want my balls back. Yeah, yeah. No one asked you to look that up, Elders. Ha ha.

Don't go rogue. Don't go rogue producing. We're coming back to the other question. Just curious. Yeah, this is not Eldest's Google time. This is Stavi's World podcast. We all know where you come when you have a second. These guys have looked into it. Yeah.

Yeah. So let's go into why mice jizz might be subpar. Okay, lifestyle choices can lower sperm numbers. Even smoking? Smoking, drinking alcohol, and taking certain medications can lower sperm. Other causes include long-term sickness such as kidney failure, childhood infections. Did you ever have mumps? And chromosome or hormone problems such as low T. Well, I'm not low T, so let's get off the table. Okay? Yeah, let's see what else.

The gap between sexual activity, infection of the prostate, usage of pills to boost sexual performance... So if you don't fuck that much, it's less chances? I don't know. I do think it's bad for you not to cum. I know that. You can get this thing called epididymitis. Yeah, you gotta let... Oh, didn't you hear that, sweetie? You did? I had it this year. I got a UTI. Were you doing NoFap? No. I got a UTI and it...

It, you know, shot back to my nuts and it made my left ball huge. Did you get to see it? I didn't see his fat ball. He didn't see it, but I had to literally be sitting down for two weeks because my dick just disappeared into my balls. His balls developed his dick. What did you say, Mike? Just taking your wife to the doctor. I want you to listen to this. Yeah.

This is your fault. You hear that? It's a medical condition. It was fucked up. Yeah. This man was fucked up off of a UTI for so long it was hilarious.

He had like a three month UTI basically. Did you have to take antibiotics the whole time? Yeah, I took some antibiotics. We got it under control. Honestly, like I'm back to normal, but I still feel like a little something in my left nut. Not pain, not even discomfort, but just something feels a little uneven. Have you been to the doctor to check your nuts? I just went for a checkup a couple weeks ago, honestly. Did you have to go to urologist? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What'd he say?

He said, it's normal, but it's fine if you're not noticing anything crazy and come back in because I guess I have kidney stones in both kidneys right now. So we've got to monitor those next year. Goddamn, bro. So maybe I'll be unable to work again for another six weeks next year. That's crazy. You just have them in your kidneys? Yeah. Well, you can't really do shit when you have them because I've had one before that I passed. I remember that. Eldest was in his fucking room. I remember hearing him go like, oh.

He was moaning like literally a mummy in a movie. And he was just... He was just like... All night, dude. It was fucked up. And then he fucking... What did you say? You got up? He was like... This is where we were at, too, at the time. Where we were just getting fucked up constantly. And...

We were high probably all day. And this guy's like, I know what'll help me, weed. So you just fucking... I grabbed our dirty ass bong and I was just hitting the bong in my bedroom right next to this room all night. And I was like, this still hurts a lot. It's not doing anything for the pain. I just feel really high now. I'm really high and in pain. Like dribbling piss out of my dick. You're talking to the doctor. You're like, I tried smoking bong all day.

I've tried everything. I went to check on him. He had like his legs up to his knees. He was doing like weird like yoga positions trying to feel better. I did eventually. Oh, man, that sounds so rough. Didn't you pass in a urinal?

Yeah, I passed it like a few weeks later. Because the part that hurts is when it passes from like your kidney to your piss canal. Your piss. Urethra. Your piss canal. Your piss canal. Wherever piss stays. Oh, bladder. Yeah, in your bladder. So I felt that was the pain I was feeling that night. But then after that, I was good. I just like, you know, a little. I was at work at the time and pissing at the urinal a little. Bing.

I see the rock go inside. Nice. So the passing was fine. It was a little weird, but... How the fuck... Can't you... Don't they have, like, a sonic... Yeah, you can get, like... Can't they do sonic waves to break the shit up? They can, but that's, like, extreme. Usually you should be able to, like, pass it. We had a friend whose brother, like...

He had like a really... It was like small but super jagged. So it would pass a little at a time over like months. Like what I was going through that night, he was going through that for months. Because it would like... Is there a friend who was very, very fat? Yes. Like made me look not that fat? See, people aren't supposed to live this long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would like... Yeah, whenever it would dislodge, it would like pass a little and then like get caught...

Further down the tube for like literally months. So that's brutal. I want a nice smooth little kidney stone. Because there's no chance I don't have them. There's no chance. What causes them? I think salt intake. Dehydration or something? I think a lot of soda. Meat, soda, all good shit.

Being fucking awesome. I think a lot of spinach might actually be part of it. Oh, okay. What the fuck did you even say that for? How is that even possible? Because other shit sounds bad. Spinach is like, what? You get that shit from spinach? I don't know. We've never had enough spinach to edit. What about spanakopita? I don't have that much spanakopita. Interesting. I didn't know that. I didn't know you have two just...

Two just chilling in the kidneys right now. Yeah, I don't even know if it's... I know it's... I have kidney stones in both kidneys. I don't even know how much is in each one. It might be like one. It might be two. You walk, it sounds like a gravel driveway. Yeah, so anyway, yes, if you don't bust enough or if you get a woman's disease, you can get epididymitis. Those are the two ways.

God damn, dude. That's so... So wait. Oh, so you did in vitro, but you busted natural. Yeah. Wow. Because we were going to like wait. You know, we were going to be like, okay, well, this is like in between jobs. Not my jobs. In between her jobs. And then it just happened. And we were kind of like... I was actually...

Very stupidly. This is like the worst. I feel so embarrassed about this, but I'll tell it to you guys. I was going to go to Ukraine to do like a thing about, I was going to try to do a thing about comedy in the Ukraine because they just have done comedy the whole time. That is a big Andy move. Yeah. Yeah.

It was dumb. That's true. But I was like not... I couldn't figure out how to tell Rosebud. So I was like planning it. I had it all lined up. I had tickets. I had shows booked. All this stuff. Kiev, everything. But you hadn't told her. But I was like... And this is during when the war is popping off. It was a year. Like the year anniversary. And then... So I was like trying to figure out how to tell her. I had like a month before I was about to leave. And then she like sat me down. And, you know, with my relationship, when your wife is like, hey, can you come home and we need to talk? It's like...

It's one, I'm pregnant, or I met somebody. Like, you're like, maybe I don't even ever tell her about Ukraine. I'll just get the... I'll never have to have that conversation. You're like on Craigslist looking up fucking studios. What's... Okay, no problem. Do I have to pay rent this month? That's a great place to go when your wife's cheating on you. Yeah. You just go to Ukraine. Yeah.

I have to fight. Fuck you, bitch. This is what you did to me. Just shooting our side. With a desert eagle, no shirt on. Fuck you, Putin.

That is true. It is nice knowing there is an active war you could join if you wanted to get a little frustration out. Yeah, if you got cucked hard enough, you could just go. You just go to war, dude. And then if you survive, that's God's way of telling you, now you can go hit her. Yeah. You know what I mean? Exactly. You put yourself through the trials and tribulations. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you get to kill the guy and slap her. Go home and have nightmares all the time. Yeah.

Yeah, you know. Cool guy stuff. Cool, chill guy stuff. Don't think about why it happened. Go to war, and if you survive, you get to be more violent. Exactly. But anyways, I got home, and she told me, and then I was like, hey, I got to tell you something. And she was like, no, you did not just ruin me telling you I'm going to have a kid. You see Andy in an IDF TikTok? Yes.

Pretending to drink water. They let him join the girl IDF. Actually, I'm kind of in. That's not bad. Have you seen how hot they are? That's the one group that will get me to reconsider some of my preconceived notions. If they deploy the sexy IDF here...

You know, maybe it does all of a sudden become a very complicated situation. You know? You're like, the other side's covered up. Yeah.

So wait, she tells you, and then you're like, oh, cool, since we're talking, I'm going to Ukraine? No, I was like, I was going to go, but now that you said this, I probably shouldn't go. And she was like, you're such a fucking idiot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, totally. You wait a day to be like, oh, and you know what's hilarious? I was planning on going to the Ukraine. Yeah, I was going to go to the Ukraine. Isn't that stupid? Not like...

I guess I'll have to fucking see if Expedia will give me my money back now. There's a show in Ukraine right now. I guess Andy's not showing up. There's 4,000 people in a bunker. Our favorite comedian is coming. I guess comedy show cancels.

No, but I did like, I met all of the, you know, like I like got online. I researched it. I was like going to go to like these businesses that like maintain. Also the dopest thing, like the four seasons was like a hundred dollars a night. And I was just like, I, I'm not going to lie. I did want to do that YouTube thing where it's like, I'm in a war torn country and I'm here. Oh, you weren't a helmet. You're like, yeah. Um,

But actually, I kept in touch with a couple of those kids. They're pretty funny. They're all like, you know, they like left Ukraine because they're all just comics. And like if they stay in Ukraine, they have to go to the war. To war, yeah, to fight. So they're all just all over the world now. But I did like one of their podcasts. They're very funny. That's hilarious. Now what's up with that war? Can't they like wrap that up? Yeah. What's going on? It's kind of embarrassing. I think it's kind of a wrap for them because I think we're about to pull out. Yeah. Damn. I think the U.S. is kind of like...

redirected our attention to the Middle East and then I think Europe's still paying for it but they're also like oh yeah I saw something like Germany's head over there yeah or something that's interesting yeah I don't fuck it so Putin just gets whatever the fuck he's I don't even have I have no idea what they're fighting about but just give it to him give him what he wants

He's old, you know? Yeah. Was he supposed to have cancer like years ago? He's had it. And he's all puffy because of the steroids? He just maintains. You think that's what he's doing now? I think he probably... They probably kidnap just a person off the street every night and do just a full Putin blood transfusion. Yeah. Yeah.

Just an empty boy over here. Putin's like, ah, yes, I feel good. I feel good for 24 hours. I must feed soon. He's literally basically a vampire. Damn. Yeah, that's fucking hilarious. So, but did you ever... So you were trying to have kids for a fucking pretty long time. Yeah, we had like two miscarriages. Oh, brutal. And...

Well, one was like kind of like it was just like we were pregnant and then like the next day we weren't pregnant. So there wasn't like a big procedure or anything. And then the other one was brutal. And that was...

Yeah, they don't really tell you that. They're hard, the miscarriages. Racine was actually the only man that reached out to me. He was like the only person. Yeah, like, I mean, my parents and shit. But people sent like Rosebud, like, you know, like spa days and flowers. And they were like, all right, you could go back to being a loser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dickhead. Like, there you go, Andy. She took the hooks out of her.

She's free. She might be gone again. You better get to nothing, pal. That's what people say to you. Sorry you didn't sign yourself up for 18 more years at least. Or 10, let's be honest. Once it's in high grade school, then you can really start thinking. Once it can ride the subway by itself. Why do you all of a sudden want to go to Monday Night Football, babe?

Nah, don't worry. That's 10 years from now. White blonde woman. I don't know. Yeah. That's kind of 50 years. You know? Yeah. You have, I don't know. You're good, man. You just got to make it out of these next few years. Yeah. White blonde moms don't really keep it that tight in my experience. I can't comment on that. What are we talking about? I can't talk about any of that stuff.

I went to her dad's for Thanksgiving, and it's in a community that has a country club, and there was a country club night where we did a big game of trivia, and Jerome Powell was there. Oh, sick, dude. Who's that? The head of the Federal Reserve. Oh, what the fuck?

Damn, they let a guy named Jerome be the... White Jerome? Yeah. Wow, white Jerome. That's really flaunting it. Yeah. They're like, not only is it a white guy, but he has... The janitor's like, my name's Jerome Powell, too. Yeah.

Wow, dude. That's crazy. Jerome Powell. Jerome Hayden J. Powell. Yeah. Was he good at trivia? I think they did all right at his table. I hate bar trivia, though. It's so... I don't know. You need a master's degree to do it. You ever sit in on a bar trivia? I haven't done trivia too much, to be honest with you. It takes a certain type of person. It's like, what's that...

The, um, chive kind of, you know, like, newsy cap. Sure. Love the IPA type of shit. Eldest, didn't you have, like, a little bit of a trivia? Or did you have friends that did trivia? I've done a trivia here and there. There was one girl that I was seeing for a little bit that, like, she would, like, go to this place on Monday night every single week and just get, like, super into it. Oh, that sucks. And, like, fucking get wasted and, like, fucking call shit out. It was like, god damn. That sucks, dude. This fucking sucks.

Yeah, somebody that into trivia is a fucking loser. Like people who care about their standings in the trivia league. It's like, no, man, let me just like, maybe I know like a character actor's name. You could also tell she also just kind of wanted to fuck the guy who hosted it too. Oh, dude, I'm sorry to cut you off. Go ahead. It wasn't like exactly what you're describing. Just some like beard IPA, like cornball type bro. No, that's so true. I forgot about that because

When you first start doing open mics, you will see a... Usually there's a trivia host...

That's also like an open miker. Yeah. And that you're like, you're like, this guy's the least funny guy I've ever seen in my life. He's a fucking dork. He's wearing a Newsy cap. He's wearing like a vest and a tie, but nothing, you know, and jeans and like Chuck, Chuck Taylor. Oh, we all go through that phase. Really? That's hilarious to have you. No, but like after a breakup, I was like, I think I'm going to be, I think I'm going to wear V-necks with a tie. Oh,

V-necks for the time. What do you mean? Yeah, like a V-neck sweater. V-neck sweater and like a shirt and tie. Oh, that's hilarious. I was like, I'm trying to reinvent myself. I'm trying to look like I just graduated middle school. I'm trying to look like... I'm attending my little cousin's confirmation as a 13-year-old. I'm Honduran now. You think you're like trying to better yourself? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look like a Latino baby about to get confirmed. Yeah.

But, fuck. So, but those, and you see them and they're bombing at open mics and everyone thinks they're a fucking loser. And then you, then maybe there's a booked show and right before it is like trivia and you see that same guy, the biggest fucking loser in the world, and he's the king of that trivia. Yeah, yeah. And all his corny bullshit that bombs at a real show, fucking losers like the girl Eldest was fucking. Yeah.

Or like, yeah, you're the fucking man, Mark. You know what I mean? It's so funny, dude. And he has like a, the prize is like a Goonies shirt. You know what I mean? And it's like, oh, God. And they do that every week too, I think. Yeah. You know? And some of those guys make money. I'm here with my piece of shit boyfriend, but you host trivia every week. To want to fuck the trivia host is one of the most pathetic type of groupies I can even imagine, dude.

That sucks dick. Yeah, but the bar is like so low for guys that if you're like a little bit funny or if you have a little bit of status, you know, you'll get more pussy than you deserve. Absolutely. Absolutely. I wonder, I do wonder, we should find a guy who hosted trivia and see how much pussy he got. We should have a former trivia host. How much pussy did you get? Well, there's one that, that guy, Dan Davies, who like does the lobby comedy. I know he runs it, but he's like, he's not the right person

Because he's in Williamsburg and hanging out at bars that have Miami theme. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're looking for a little different. We've got to go suburbs. That's not true because any trivia is fucking gay. So even the coolest trivia is loser bullshit. Yeah. I would agree. Yeah, so even that guy is a loser king in his kingdom. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

You know what I mean? No disrespect to him. I mean, some disrespect to him, but, you know, he's fucking maybe better quality. There's, you know, there are different kinds of like, you know what I mean? Maybe they're a little richer. Well, I think that's who it's for. It's for like finance, you know, kind of like marketing, finance, that kind of thing. Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, I don't know, man. Definitely not like us. Bohemian creators. Not cool guys like us. Yeah, yeah. Not fucking awesome guys like us. Guys that like sports and politics. Wow. Pretty cool.

Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. You didn't need to get the doctor involved to have a child, did you? Me? Not the first time. Not the first time. Yeah, who knows? Who knows? Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'm a... I've said it. I'm proudly. I'm a test tube baby. Yeah. You are? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know that. Me and my brothers both. Yep, yep. Every time... Because every comedian...

typically has to go to a fertility doctor because all of us have old... By the time we decide to have children, it's like everyone's old as shit and their jizz is fucked up and their pussies are all broken and shit. And so everyone, all of our friends that have had kids... Wait, my wife's pussy's not broken. LAUGHTER

Hold on one goddamn second. We don't know. It might be your jizz. It might be your pussy. It might be my jizz. I don't know. We're assuming it's your jizz because you seem less healthy than her. Yeah. You know? But, you know, who's to say? Yeah. You don't know. I also think it can be like, I don't know. Do you think it could be the combination of people based on chemistry? Like alchemy? Like just in the sense that maybe your proteins match well with that kind of thing? Probably not. Because me and Rosebud have been pregnant

like four or five times, you know, like without trying. Yeah. Yeah. Accidentally pregnant. So I think we have a good combo of whatever's going on. Right, right, right. White blonde people. Right, right, right, right, right. Hitler's smiling. Hitler's like using his powers from hell. He's like, oh. He's smiling at the fire. Very good.

This will do nicely. A bunch of Nazis got their wings in heaven when Lesbo got pregnant. They get their little badge every time I nut my wife. Yeah, dude, that's probably what it is. Yeah, that's hilarious. I don't know. I've never...

I'm so far away from him. What was up with Hitler, though? He was like blonde hair, blue eyes, but he had dark hair. Why wasn't he like... Very interesting. Yeah. It's almost like we hate ourselves. Ourselves. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, what was up with that guy, Hitler? That was not a chill bloke as far as I'm concerned. We are anti-Hitler here. That guy had no chill. Fuck him. Fuck Hitler. I do not fuck with that guy. He was a weirdo. Yeah. He was a really weird guy. Yeah.

You know what I do like is that he was just like addied out. Yep. He was on a bunch of shit, dude. He was just on speed constantly. I would like to... He also... Elvis is Googling. What drugs did... Very good, Elvis. Did Hitler door? Cocaine and opiates? That sounds awesome. Meth, steroids. Fuck yeah, dude. High Hitler, the Guardian. Very nice. How Nazi drug abuse steered the course. Was Blitz. Did you miss that? Yeah. Oh, that's good. What do you call that? A...

Alliteration? I don't know. I guess. Alliteration is when you repeat. That's when the first letter is the same or something. Yeah, yeah. You know what it is, Aldous. Don't or something. Have some fucking... Believe in yourself, man. You're the only English degree in this fucking... In this room right now. I know, but, you know, it's been a while since I've even thought about it. I had to remind myself.

Anyway, what did you guys go to college? Yeah. What'd you do? I majored in, uh, like I majored in like sectarian violence. Yeah.

Like Israel Palestine. Mike, what about you? I went for BFA acting for two years. Moncler State in Jersey. It's like a Jersey State school, but it's a good arts program. But I got a job selling window and siding estimates door to door. And I was so into that because I was making decent money. I was like an appointment setter. Both of you, it's exactly what you should have done. If you had guessed, it's like...

Andy with nothing but white people going over like sectarian violence and you fucking dropping out of Guido acting school to sell fucking windows. I think this is my calling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like going reverse. I kind of loved it though, just knocking on doors at 6 p.m. bothering people during dinner, you know? Were you good at it?

Yeah, because I would just make appointments for the sales guys and I would get paid per pitch. I met him when he was still doing it. Oh, really? When I met you, you were doing some kind of sales. You were wearing a teal. No, that was a different job. But you were wearing like a teal shirt underneath a suit. Yeah. And he had long, he had like shoulder length, beautiful, like Patrick Swayze hair. Yeah, yeah. What? I would play at a ponytail sometimes because I thought I would be like George Carlin. Yeah.

I'm like, I'm going to put my hair in a ponytail. That's fucking awesome. That's beautiful, man. This guy, I don't know if the website's still operational, but it was called, this Guido from Staten Island had a website called restaurantreservations.com.

And I sold listings on, but I didn't sell a single thing. But I would just like, it was very depressing. I would like walk around during the day, just go in a restaurant and be like, hey, can I talk to the manager? I got a little opportunity for you. And I never sold anything, but yeah.

Yeah, I'm glad I don't do that anymore. Restaurantreservations.com, huh? Yeah. That's awesome, dude. Oddly, I was... Cold calling. So even like a couple years into comedy, I was still thinking I was going to go to grad school for what I'd studied, which I was going to go to the...

American University in Beirut. Oh, shit. I remember he got into a discussion with Vinnie Brand one night at the Stress Factory about Islam. Now, that's a genius. That is not what happened. What happened was I was opening up for Stan Hope and he came back to the green room and this is like

kind of close to 9-11. This is like 2010. 2009. And so, you know, people are still kind of like throwing around. Especially in the stress factory. So he's talking about like Afghan people and he keeps on calling them the sand N-word. No. I don't remember that. This is what it was. No. What the fuck?

And I was like, I don't know why I took it upon myself. I mean, that's kind of a tough one. No, you weren't there the Stan Hope night. No, I was there. I was there, yeah. Well, anyways, I was in the green room. I was probably a little drunk, and I said, I go, was that a different night, Andy? No, no, it was in the green room. I don't know. You don't want to engage with a fucking retard Republican. Of course not. You also don't want to slander my close friend, Vinny. Yeah.

But you also don't... If he's dropping multiple slurs, that's kind of like...

You can get one. This is all I said. I said, could you just relax with the N-word? Also, Afghan people have kind of had it rough. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just said something along those lines. In my club, you will not tell me how to speak. How dare you. Freedom of speech. I got fired from The Weeknd. That's incredible, dude. For telling a guy not to call Afghans the sand N-words. Yeah.

Well, that's all you need to know about Vinnie Brandt. And that matches my experience. Please support the stress factor.

Mike will be there. Vinny, you heard me defending you over there. I would love to do a little Thursday, Wednesday night, Sunday night. Dude, that guy's awesome because he owned the club. I don't have any opinion about what you say. That club's so funny because they would play bloopers for like an hour before the show. They would play babies throwing up. They would play home videos of literally... I was about to say, he owned...

So he owns the club and they play bloopers for an hour, which is like, you know, people are kind of laugh. You don't want to laugh people out too much, but it's like they're watching something that is funny. That if we're being honest is funnier than stand up. Like guys getting hit in the balls is funnier than stand up. So they play it for an hour and then half the time he would be like, he owns the club and he'd be like, I think I'm going to go up to a guest spot.

And he would do like 45 minutes. And it would be insane. Before the show even starts, they've watched bloopers of people getting hit in the nuts for an hour. And then the owner goes up and does... He's not trying new stuff. He's doing like his act. But the one thing that you're omitting is that he had a payphone on the stage. Yeah, he did. Which he would do prank calls. That's right. So the night...

In question that I'm talking about, he had somehow through his like Fox News or Opie, like those kind of people had gotten him Al Sharpton's phone number. What the fuck? So not only was he dropping the N-bomb in the green room, he had pranked called Reverend Al Sharpton. That's awesome. But it was just his office. I don't think he picked up. No.

No, yeah, I don't. That's still awesome, though, to hear. Dude, the guys in that crowd, their eyes probably lit up just hearing the words Al Sharpton. I called my dad. Dad, you're going to want to listen to this. Yeah, like it's Back to the Future. I got something for you, Dad. You're going to want to hear it. It's a guy harassing a black guy.

We're back. That's an Italian harassing a famous black guy. You say my art form is bullshit, huh, Pop? Well, listen to this. Mr. Sharpton, the Reverend's office is not accepting phone calls right now. That was still the best stand-up show I've ever seen. Really? Stand-up doing like an hour at the Stress Factory. I believe that. I mean, the Stress Factory, despite...

Vinny's best efforts is a good club. Yeah, for sure. Also, I asked him one time, I go, why is this place called the Stress Factory? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What did he say? He goes, well, I just opened the club. I just got divorced. I had four kids. I had a bunch of people calling me. I go, this place isn't a comedy club. This is a stress factory. And so that's what he named the club. That's awesome. Just something that means something only to him. Yeah, yeah. And also that...

kind of makes sense. If you don't think about it at all, you're like, oh, you de-stress at a comedy show. But then it's like, but wait, it's the stress, so they create stress there? If you think about it, it holds no water. But for a second, you're like, oh, it kind of makes sense. You almost named it the My Daughter's Fucking a Black Guy. laughter laughter laughter

Fuck, dude. My daughter brought home a Muslim boyfriend. Fuck. Fuck, what was I going to say? Oh, Al Sharpton. Remember how fucking skinny... Al Sharpton got skinny as fuck before Ozempic. Yeah, I think he went vegan. I think it was like that. Dude, he was... Or maybe he got lap band. He looked like a child. He probably got lap band. But, like, truly he looked like a child. He looked much better. There's that one selfie where...

Where he had like, his calves were like this thin. Look up the Al Sharpton selfie. There's some fucking... But 80s Al Sharpton is kind of, it's like iconic. Yeah. I was a fried chicken junkie, he jokes. No, I mean, that's right up. He said it, not us. That's right up. Al Sharpton said it. Yeah, I used to eat it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but after about three or four weeks, I didn't have a longing for that either. I had an exercise routine, walking on the treadmill for 20 or 30 minutes daily.

Five days a week. 20 or 30 minutes. That ain't shit. He lost 175 pounds. No.

That's crazy. But yeah, you're right, Mike. I'm sorry. In the 80s, he looked awesome. He looked awesome. Fat as shit. Yeah, yeah. Purple sweatsuits. Yeah, just like truly kind of what I'm going for. Yeah. He had better hair than me. He had a perm, dude. A perm, yeah. He had like fucking, he had like old black woman hair. He had like church black lady hair and he was fat as shit. Yeah. With like awesome suits. Just lying on the cops. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Beautiful veneers. He's awesome. Yeah. I guess he's still alive, but who knows what weird shit he's up to. Skinny as fuck. Yeah.

Anyone who gets that skinny if they've been fat their whole life, it's like, there's something I really don't appreciate about that. It's one thing to lose enough weight to be healthy. Yeah. I get it, right? You get to a certain age, you're like, I'd rather not die, so maybe let me take off 100. It almost feels like a little bit of a betrayal. Definitely a betrayal. You can't be that skinny. You can't get that skinny. That's crazy. Yeah. That's like what a woman should look like. You know what I mean? Yeah.

I mean, not should. I love a nice hefty girl. But I mean, only women should get that skinny. You know what I mean? That selfie, he does look like a nine-year-old. Look at that. Oh, my God. He looks like a little kid. He looks like a little kid.

It's fucking weird, dude. It's fucking weird. Yeah. Anyway. Look at that one in the corner. There's a little kid. And you also know... Here's my other thing. You also know there's some weird sex shit going on here. Like, fat people that don't really believe in themselves... Like, fat people that get that skinny, it's like... There is, like, a...

This is going to sound like people are going to accuse me of fat propaganda here, but I do think there's some self-hatred there where you're like, I have to get as thin as possible. And then I think it unlocks... They're never really comfortable with themselves and they get that skinny, and I feel like it probably unlocks some weird sex shit. Just a hunch. If you don't fucking... You're fattest. Then once the governor is off you...

Then you're like, who knows what kind of weird shit that guy's up to. I would guess he's been up to some weird sex shit, personally.

That's just me, though. I'm kind of like Team Al Sharpton, though. Right now? Just in general. Didn't he, like, march with MLK and shit? Yeah. Like, he's got some good... He's cool. He's not the best civil rights leader. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But once he got this skinny is when he lost me. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. He betrayed my community by getting that skinny. Listen, cap it at 140. Yeah. You had to get to 176. Don't you think that if you, like, change your lifestyle, though, and, like...

lose that much weight in like a natural way which, you know, this is before it was epic. Let's assume he wasn't fucking around with like crazy shit. Don't you think it's like almost inevitable to just lose

that much without aid and it's like, you know, if you're just changing your, overhauling your lifestyle or something. Eldest is worried because he, in his mind, he's going to lose 150 pounds. Eldest is just having this conversation for future Eldest. Eldest in his head weighs like 120. Eldest thinks he's like a model. I'm racing to get there. Yeah, he's been eating vegan for three weeks. He's turning down hanging out because he has to go to the gym. No, no, no, definitely not that. What do you call like an Uncle Tom for fat people? Oh, I don't know. Uncle Tom.

What's the food that starts? I don't know. We've got to workshop this. Comedy's hard. You guys think it's all fun and games. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. I'm going to have to give that. Uncle Tomato? Uncle Tomato Pie? Okay, we got something. Uncle Tomato. What rhymes with Tom?

Bomb. Uncle Bomb. Sorry. No, no. Uncle Yum. Crumb. He's an Uncle Yum. Yum. I'll get out of here.

get out of here. We'll figure it out. We'll get to it. We'll get to the bottom of this, folks. We'll cut it in at the end. Somebody's screaming at their car right now because they have it. No, it's not good. I guarantee you they got nothing. Yeah, yeah, right. They got nothing. They got nothing, yeah. This isn't like when we can't remember like Steven Spielberg's name. Right, right, right. You know, when you're listening to podcasts, they're like...

who did Jurassic Park? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, they're like, he also did Schindler's List. And it's like, ah, people going crazy. The person in their car is describing something really racist. Yeah, they're just saying sand and word. They've been saying sand and word since the Vinnie Brand story. They're looking up how to get tickets to the stress factory. Ha, ha, ha.

They're like, this is a business I would like to support. Flying in from across the country to go to the stress factory. I love the idea of you...

I love the idea of long hair Mike selling restaurant. That's when you guys met. Where'd you guys meet? On the J train. On the J train you met. If Andy didn't give me some moving work, I'd be probably like dead by now. Really? You know what I mean? You recruited him there? I think I brought everybody through that moving company. Oh, you were the original one? He was the original one, yeah. Oh, wow. I work as a messenger and I would make like $20 a day. You know what was so fucking annoying was that I brought in a couple people I brought in

who went on to be very successful. Well, you also got me fired, though. No, I didn't get you fired. You said that I farted in people's houses too much.

No, that wasn't me. And also, you can't get fired from that company. You know that you... No, but they stopped using me for a little bit. And I had to work other places. They put you on the shelf for farting too much? Well, I apologize for that if I did that. That's okay. I laid it on my feet. There was a couple people that went on to be like... We worked with them. Went on to be like TV writers. And even one guy went on and wrote a show about moving. No. And I was like...

You don't call me for the movie show? They hired Emmy Blotnick. Yeah, they hired Sean O'Connor and Emmy Blotnick. Emmy Blotnick, friend of the show. No disrespect. Been on this couch before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, she's great. She gets a lot of jobs. Hasn't moved an ottoman in her life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can say that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're writing a show about moving, maybe hire, you know, your buddy that got you the moving job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How long were you guys moving together? Were you in the van together ever? Were you in the truck together? We've been in there, like, I think we've moved every iteration of my New York life. Oh, wow. Yeah, like, even probably, like, two years ago, we, like, did a moving job that was, like, contract or something. Hell, yeah. Because it's, like...

It's always, like, if you aren't, you know, like, having a super busy schedule, you can always throw together a Saturday and make rent. Yeah. You know? So it's like, who gives a shit? What's the funniest motherfuckers? You must have had some weird, other weird rumors. Tremaine. Yeah. Tremaine. Yeah. He's this guy from East New York who's, like, the funniest person. Yeah. He goes, if you don't cheat on your wife once a month, you're gay. Yeah.

Wait, is this the guy that your joke is about, Mike? Which one? No, that's the junk luggers. Oh, okay. Junk haulers. Well, we were doing jobs one time, and we had a bunch of time to kill between jobs. So he's like, yeah, let's go to McDonald's. And I was like, yeah, actually, we got so much time to kill. There's a Denny's right there. We can go to Denny's together. He goes, I ain't going to Denny's with you, son. That's gay. He's like, it's gay for two men to go to Denny's together.

So as long as it's not, as long as a waiter isn't involved, it's not gay. You can have takeout with a man. But he's just like the naturally funniest dude in the world. Like we were moving a guy and cause he was like, it was during the pandemic. So his like, his wife was having another kid. So he was going down to Florida. We were loading his U-Haul to take to Florida. And Tremaine goes, oh, you having another kid? He's like, damn, you was hitting it wrong. Yeah.

He's like, damn, you like the fucks. Just the guy that the company hired. He doesn't know him at all? It was my job. Oh, it was your job. Oh. I thought he was talking to just a different guy. No, it was our client. Oh, okay. But that's what I mean. Yeah, yeah. So, yes, he talked to the guy that they hired. Like that. Just a guy he didn't know. Yeah. Damn, so you was hitting it raw. Yeah.

That's fucking awesome. A guy that has enough money to move to Florida during the pandemic. Right, right, right, right. No, I was thinking about the joke about your coworker who didn't realize he was molested. Oh, yeah. That wasn't him? That was Quinn. Oh, yeah, yeah. That guy's a character. That guy is terrifying. Yeah, but I had to, like, explain Bill Cosby to him once. But also, like, he couldn't do stairs because he got shot in the leg. Sorry.

He's a mover the game. He got shot because he was like an enforcer for a big family. Oh, wow. And like you, I saw his leg one time and it was like, he'd been hit with a machine gun. It was like, holy shit. And then he was like, show it to you. Damn. And then you're like, but he's all because I decided to do open mics. Yeah. Me and this guy have something in common. I have to be in a truck with this man.

I should be in an open plan office right now. But I had to be funny. Well, I had to explain Bill Cosby to him once because he's like, you know what? I don't understand. And he's Puerto Rican and Irish. So he's got these bright, piercing blue eyes. He's like a Puerto Rican dude with the bluest eyes. With Irish eyes. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. Yeah.

And he's like, how come all these women are coming out now, like 20 years later? I'm like, well, you know, it's like he was very powerful in the business and everything. And he's like, yeah, that's true. He's like, yeah, there's a lot of pussy out here. You don't got to be raping nobody. Wow, that's good, man. He came to the right conclusion in his own way. Yeah, yeah. That is a really good point.

I love that joke, though, where it was like he's just telling you a story about... He said his babysitter sucked his dick when he was five. And he's bragging about it. He's like, yeah, man, I got my dick sucked when I was five. You guys would be like, hey, man, you didn't seduce this woman, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not the James Bond of five-year-olds. But...

That's a bit. I mean, it's a good bit, but it's like doing that on stage always felt a little weird sometimes. Yeah, I get that. I was always scared to tell jokes about those guys. Because occasionally they really take an interest in your stand-up. And they're like, I'm coming to the show tonight. You're like, fuck. Forget telling my friends. That's hilarious. I think they would be honored.

Especially the joke about getting molested. When I worked at Got Junk, we would call the KKK. Because I worked with this guy, Joe. This other guy from East New York. Very, very funny guy. And we would just listen to their voicemail message. And the guy would be like, Greetings and thank you for calling the Loyal White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan.

And it was right around the Trayvon Martin verdict. Oh, shit. And I remember the guy being like, George Zimmerman ain't got a drop of white blood in him. He's a Jew and a Mexican. So they were anti-George Zimmerman because he wasn't white? Yeah. And not even Anthony Cumia had that take. No.

Ain't got a drop of white blood in him. You Mexican. That's incredible. So that was on the recording? They were like, hey, this is coming up so much. We're going to put it on the recording. Because every week the guy would have a different message. So he'd start going off. And then so one time Joe...

uh leaves he's like he's like hi this is randy johnson i'm very interested in joining he's like i'm up in new york city there's a lot of up here so that was like you know fun did he ever call get a call back or no i don't think so but then one one time we called and the kkk guy started like uh ranting about israel and it went on this long rant about how like israel owns all of our politicians all our money goes to you know like destroy stuff and they're like

Thank you for calling us. Leave a message. We will get back to you. And then me and Joe just look at each other like, yeah, okay, that one was kind of funny. You guys looked at each other and you're like, listen, a broken clock is right. Twice a day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a tough one, whatever the context, to be like, I agree with the KKK. We're all on the same page about KKK.

That handshaking. That is real. The hand fist holding meme. Three fists, though. One's tan. Yeah. Calling the KKK is a hilarious move, but I guess they probably. Yeah. It's interesting to hear. But Andy's such a funny mover because he acts like he's a little bit better. He acts like he doesn't belong there. I mean, I was always like angling.

I always thought somebody was going to see me moving and be like, this guy should be in my creative agency or whatever. The job I should have. So I'd be very courteous. He'd show up with purple sneakers and nice clothes. Hello, ma'am.

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, I loved the story in this New Yorker. Right, right, right. And they're like, don't look at me. Yeah. With his iced coffee. Yeah, yeah. You know, and then he would say to his wife, I prefer when they're Puerto Rican. They don't think they can talk to us. I think they actually probably do to some extent. Because I would do some jobs sometimes where it would be like, you know, Upper West Side, like on the park. Yeah. And then you would try to talk to them like you were also a human. No, no, no. Right, right, right. And they would be like...

Dumb. But some guys get, like, way too personal. It's like you're in somebody's house. You're moving their stuff. Like, don't ask questions about anything. I get that. Don't try and strike up a conversation, but also, like... Yeah, they're not your friends. Be like, oh, yeah, what's up? Like, you could have...

The like offer them an off like if anybody's moving shit or like junk or whatever like I've had a couple guys like I moved into Baltimore had a bunch of shit. It's like, you know, I have a pleasant. Yeah, 10 minute max long combo like you also like from my perspective. I don't want to fuck their shit up because they're working. They got their own thing. Yeah, if I was working, I wouldn't want to be making small talk. I'd want to just do the job and get the fuck out of there. Yeah, but you also want to be like, hey man.

I'd like to register. There's like boundaries, obviously. Yeah. Because, you know, they trust, you're in their house, they trust you. Yeah, yeah. So.

Yeah, I mean, there's definitely like, there was people where you could like see immediately, like this one time for not the company that we worked for, another company that I worked for, they would just throw you a helper. Like you were tasked with finding your assistant for the day, or if you couldn't find one, they would just send somebody. Yeah, that's when Andy would start code switching. What's up, my man? 1981. My brother. Yeah.

These pigs had to get us. Word up, man. But they sent like a heroin addict, like just fully like a... Because Williamsburg used to be rife with junkies. And this is... When did you guys start? This is like 2008. Oh, wow. Okay. But like you can tell when they're like trying to buddy up the client to finesse a better tip. That's always a bleak place to be where you have to be like...

Calm down a little bit. Chill, dude. Like, they're actually going to not tip as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're going to smell this on you. Right, right, right. Yeah. Don't be so desperate.

But, I mean, so many people, like, I want to say probably 40 comics you know maybe have worked for the moving company. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. That's a cheap source of male labor is open mic comedy. Well, some of them were, like, great comics. It's just, like, to make a New York living sometimes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to be... Hey, man, relax. I didn't mean anything by it. Not all of us can play theaters, Bob.

We're also available if you want to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll also move you. Yeah, look. Furniture assembly, junk removal. Look, man. TV mounting. I didn't expect Calm Down to get successful either. I would have been right there with you. Yeah.

Anybody ever try and suck your dick on the job? No. No. Never. And it happens to some guys, but not, never me. Never me. I mean, obviously never me. That's crazy. But do you ever meet Steve O'Brien? No. He's a comic. He was in a team submarine. He was a sketchbook. He was like a comedy duo. But like nice, like very mild-mannered guy. But yeah, he would get hit on constantly. It would happen to him. Just a mild-mannered guy, huh? Yeah. I don't think he ever took it because he had like a... He had a girlfriend. Good dude. Yeah.

I would assume it would be that guy or just like some just strong, just like sexy fucking piece of ass. There were some like good looking black guys that worked there. There's this one guy Rob would get a lot of. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's another dude named Dukes who's like, he's probably 50 now. He's probably 50. And he is an Adonis. Yeah. And he is, it's crazy because he would work like a whole day moving. Like I would be dead. Yeah. And then he would get on his bike and go to the gym. Yeah.

But he was like a psycho. Yeah, yeah. He's one of those guys that's just like built like that. Yeah, it was insane. And very short fuse. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. And he fucked off the job. Did he? I don't know. I think he had a wife. Really? Yeah, like a Finnish wife or something. I've never even seen him laugh. I made him laugh like one time. I've had some good rapport with him. Yeah. But I knew him like, you know, I was original crew. Yeah, this is a great, you should write a show about this. This sounds awesome. I actually made a pilot about it. But it's a...

Did you make a pilot? Recently, yeah. I wrote something, yeah. I actually made it. I filmed it. But it turns out that if you're not successful already, they don't want to watch your pilot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out if nobody famous is in the pilot. You know what we should do? We should do like a moving pilot. What the fuck?

You hired me and Andy to move the chairs. I got good news. We picked up the pilot. We need crew. You're like $40 an hour.

This is a steal. Guys, let's get crazy. Guys, come on. This is going to be a union job. We're just trying to make art here, man. Here at Stabby Baby Enterprise, we're a family. We don't need shit like unions. I love it, dude. Damn, we got to talk more about the moving shit. That shit is fascinating. But we need also the fucking perspectives of two young fathers.

to ex-movers or current movers, depending on how it goes. Just once, like a few times a month. A few times a month, no big deal. I'm a kept man right now, so I don't have to do anything. That's awesome. Yeah, my wife just wants me out of the house. I do it for the exercise. Hit us with some fucking questions, Big Eldy. Hey, hey, Stav. Love you. Love the pod. We can't hear you. I'm six.

Love you. Love the pod. Sorry for my voice. I've been working for an artist for almost a year. It's just the two of us running a small business out of her basement. Sometimes, like, my boss's parents will visit from across the country to help with the kids, though.

There's a weird dynamic between my boss and her mom and she essentially spends money on the kids without permission from my boss. The mom will go directly against my boss's wishes. I mean, if they're teaching the kids a lesson and they say, "Hey, no, don't replace this for them. They broke it." And they have to learn their lesson. She'll buy it for them anyways and it'll just show up in the mail.

Well, today the mom like gave me a bonus and told me like explicitly told me not to tell my boss because she gets mad about this. What? She's given me money in the past for Christmas and my birthday and I told my boss for those situations. Do I tell her for this? And kind of is that like proving my loyalty? It kind of feels like it would be. This is funny. But also not at the same time.

Or do I not tell her and kind of keep the peace? My dad says I should keep the peace, but...

By the way, it was only, it was only, it was $300, which is kind of a big deal for me. Um, big deal for anybody. So this is weird. Yeah. Well, it's annoying when like you're trying to teach your kid a lesson. You smash his Nintendo switch with your, yeah. And you're like, you did this. Yeah. It's you that did it. It wasn't me. I hate doing this. And then grandma buys him a new one. Yeah. Yep. And then he watches you hit grandma. Yeah. Fuck them bullshit, dude. Yeah. Um,

So this sounds like a very young person, right? Is that what this is? She said it's been two years. They're running a small business, right? Eldest, what is it? Yeah, she's been working with this artist for about a year, she said. They're running a business out of her basement, and the parents are like around, coming in and out.

I mean, what do you really... Like, is this really a good boss? It doesn't sound like it. The boss gets mad when somebody gives you a bonus? What the fuck is that? The boss didn't necessarily get mad. It's just that the boss's mom is like, don't tell her. She's already, like, doing the behind-the-scenes stuff with the kids. This girl's like a weird pawn in the war between, like, artist and mom. Yes, yes. And so you... Exactly. Um...

But didn't she say she did get mad in the past, Eldest? Did I register that correctly? She said the mom has given her money before. Yes. And she told her. I don't think she said what the boss's reaction was or something. Yeah. So, look, here's what I would say. If it comes up...

You can... Don't lie about it, right? But you don't have to also declare $300. No. You're both sovereign beings. This lady gave you $300. This is a weird part-time job. My overall advice is get out of here. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Unless this is some kind of mentorship thing. Or this is somebody you want to work for. So then you have to weigh...

Is being on the boss's side, no matter what, more important to you than $300, basically? Because the mom is not someone that matters to you. In my mind, from my read of this, it's like, fuck both of these people. One's kind of a weird boss. You think the mom could be in on it, though? No. I don't think the mom... I don't think they're trying to... But it also is like this woman's never heard that grandparents spoil kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems pretty normal to me. It's one of the most classic grandparents' behaviors possible. You also sound like a nerd for work.

Yeah, yeah, totally. Totally. And so, do I tell her this? I don't think you need to, yeah. I don't think you need to say anything. Yeah, I mean, if she asks you, but like, why would you need to tell her? I think it's, I do think that this dynamic sounds toxic enough where like, if she found out that like the mom had given her $300, she probably would be tight about it, right? But why, but that's the thing, it's like, all you can do is behave like,

the way a normal human being can. Right. And if somebody else wants to be weird, then you get to be like, I don't understand. What is the issue here? She gave me this bonus for the holidays. I appreciated it. I'm not expecting anything from you. I just, what was I supposed to do? Turn it down. Like, I'm just, it was just a gift from your mother who I have some kind of weird relationship with.

Yeah, it's kind of weird for her to be like, you're not allowed. Because you're not her kids. She could be mad if the mom gives her kids presents. You're a fucking, you're your own person. So I think you're, here's my Rita situation. Our friend is pretty young. This might be your first job. And a lot of times you don't recognize like, you fall into a weird dynamic that a workplace has when you're young because you don't realize what's acceptable and what's not. Especially a small workplace. Totally. Yeah. This is completely unacceptable. Yeah.

This is fucking weird and crazy. For you to even be aware of her interpersonal politics with her mom is fucked up. That's not your job, unless you're the nanny, which it doesn't sound like, where she runs the business, right? She's like, she helps run a small business out of the lady's place.

I mean, I'd have to knock on a lot of restaurant doors to make $300. Yeah, exactly. No, it's a nice chunk. Yeah, that's good money. Like, you shouldn't have to turn it down or declare it to your fucking boss. No, no. And again, the one caveat I'll give is if this boss is, like, someone you really admire, it's an artist you want to work for, it's somebody that holds a lot of, like...

like, can open a lot of doors for you and you otherwise have a very good relationship and they're not manipulative with you, then I would say you have to weigh whether you feel like you need to tell them because they would appreciate it. Because if you're very close to... Like, let's say I'm very close to... Like, when I was opening for Bobby, right? And he had a weird relationship with his fucking mom or something. Let's just put ourselves in the exact same situation. Yeah. And...

somebody gave... Like, one of his relatives gave me 300 bucks, it would be weird enough where I'd be like, your fucking Uncle Larry gave me 300 bucks. Like, I would say it to him. You know what I mean? Because he was my guy and I would just... Whatever. But if he was just some... If he was just my shitty boss at, like, the last day job I had before comedy, like, if my shitty boss at the fucking...

paralegal somebody gave like I wouldn't I would never give a fuck about it so you have to decide if this person matters enough to you to clear it by them and if not you're totally fine but even if the boss finds out I don't see them getting mad at her totally you know totally yeah yeah and if the boss does get mad at you my mom being a weirdo exactly and if they get mad at you they're a fucking asshole yeah you know yeah um okay well good luck and

Go work at a regular job or something. Don't let anyone come between you and your $300. Yeah, absolutely not. Hey, Stavi. Long-time listener, first-time caller. So it was my birthday the other month, and I was getting some sloppy top from my girlfriend. Respect. Great present. What's that like? But then I'm about to finish and pull up, and there's blood everywhere. What?

It's really bad. It was really bad. That was like almost a month ago. And so I took it easy for a while. I've been really careful. You took it easy? Go really slow because I'm a fellow uncirced brother and can't pull that dick skin back very far. You know, it doesn't go all the way down. If anybody knows, I know. And so apparently that little banjo string, the frenulum, that tore. Oh, yeah.

I can't help myself.

If you have any experience with this, let me know what I should do. I'd probably go to a doctor, but I really don't want to because that surgery is like two months recovery time and I'd die. You keep on jerking off? Thanks, Dobby. Dude, when you say girlfriend, do you mean your dog? What was she doing? This is crazy.

I am confused if he's like saying sloppy. Does he mean like head? I mean, that's what sloppy top means. But I wonder if he's just like using a stupid ass way to like talk about getting pussy. No, no. Because wouldn't you like taste blood in your mouth pretty fast? Like...

Yeah. If you're sucking the guy off and like. Yeah, the way he's talking too makes it seem like he might be lying. He does. He seems like he's doing the scientist from The Simpsons impersonation. That's what I was going to say. Sounds like he's disguising his voice. Hmm.

I don't know that I really believe this. I don't know, though, because to get that specific about tearing your... To tear your frenulum, to look that up, that gives me kind of like a, that did happen. Or he's doing a very detailed lie, and he looked it up. Because if we look up frenulum, Eldis, I guess it's the part that connects your cock to your foreskin. Yeah. It's like a little piece of... But also, something doesn't add up here.

Because I do have a tight foreskin in real life. And the frenulum doesn't get exposed if you have a tight foreskin. The foreskin hides it. You have to pull your shit back all the way. I think we're dealing with a liar.

Send pics to prove it. And your point of like, wouldn't somebody taste blood? Yep. Next question. I thought he nutted blood, right? That's what I thought it was too. But unless his fucking girlfriend is a fucking lunatic. So look, something about this feels off. If this really happened, absolutely go to the doctor. What are you talking about? That's another reason why I don't believe this. Why?

Because even the biggest moron on earth. Hey, stop. I have a large lump on my head. It hurts really bad. I can't see colors anymore. And everything I eat tastes like smoke. Do you have any experience with this? Hey, stop. I keep losing weight. I'm sick all the time. Stop. I hooked up with a girl in Port-au-Prince, Haiti. Ever since then, my teeth have been falling out.

So yeah, dude, this doesn't, because even when I had no money, I never went to a doctor. If my cock was in jeopardy, that's like all men. That's the dirt bag thing, dude. I don't believe this. I think he's wrong. I've killed three of my grandparents by coughing on them. Anyway, yeah, if this is real, go to the doctor. Done and done.

It was like a spot on for that. His mom is like, so what did Stavros say? He said I should go to the doctor. Hi, my name is Katie. I guess I would call myself a bit of an agoraphobic. I struggle to do things like go to the store. That's a big one for me. I'm currently unemployed.

And just basic things I need to do, even things that are supposed to be fun, like getting my nails done, which is something I like. Wow, we found the one bitch that doesn't like to go shopping. All right, sorry, couldn't help myself. Any boys need a wife? We found a dream girl. Couldn't help myself. Sorry, Katie, I'm listening to your problems seriously. Go ahead, Eldis. Do, but the problem is...

I can't get myself out of the house, but the main thing is going to the store. I have, I think, a phobia of going to the store. And I have become very reliant on delivery apps to relieve my anxiety of getting in the car, driving to the store, and being around people.

and having to navigate that environment. And this is a relatively new issue that I've developed over the past couple of years. And I'm spending way too much money, and I feel really embarrassed about it. I just don't understand why something so simple that's a part of daily life is so difficult for me.

And I am in therapy and everything, but my main thing is just I can't stop ordering things, whether it's groceries, toilet paper, wine, you name it. I'm just going to open an app and get it delivered. So my question is, how can I alleviate this anxiety of being out in the world, and how can I stop blowing all my money on these apps?

I know I could simply delete them, but I just can't bring myself to do that. So any advice on this would be greatly appreciated. Love the show. Relatively new fan. Great stuff. Thanks. Thanks for calling in. Yeah. Well, Katie, you can't shoplift unless you go to the store. That is true. Treat yourself to a little extra free stuff. Yeah. If you want free whole chickens, you got to go to the store to put them in your pants. Yeah.

I would say a serious answer is you just got to be, you got to start by being willing. You know what I mean? Like, and then, you know, just baby steps. Totally. Go walk by the store. Can you do it incrementally? Yeah. Totally, yeah. Go out the door, you know, little things. That's how I stopped smelling women's hair on the subway. Yeah.

But yeah, the number one thing is like, don't feel embarrassed. Because the thing is like, shit happens. People's, you know, everybody's head gets fucked up. Even from the pandemic. This feels like a little pandemic hangover-y. Like, I have people in my life that have struggled with this stuff. I have a friend who like, she would freak out when we went to the grocery store. And I would fuck with her and I would just like take longer than we needed to. And at first I thought it was funny. And then like, this bitch was having like a panic attack. And I started feeling bad.

But like this happens to people and people have people develop different things throughout life and not being embarrassed is step one. You shouldn't be embarrassed. Just something you got to figure out. Right. Like a service dog.

Huh? Could she get a service? Maybe, yeah, if that helps. But that's the thing. The thing about like mental shit that I always, the analogy I try and tell people is like, you wouldn't be embarrassed if you broke your fucking leg, right? And it was hard for you to get around for like six months and then you had to do PT and it was like, it takes a long time, right? And it's like, just because you fuck something in your head up, which you did, something happened and now you're scared to, you know, pick up fucking toilet paper.

Be realistic with yourself and know that it's like any other thing that you're trying to get over. It's going to take some time. It's going to be kind of fucking annoying. There'll be good days. There'll be setbacks. But you just have to be kind of like what Andy is saying. It's just like slowly get your will up there. Yeah, the world's a meat grinder. You're not supposed to do any of this shit as a...

As an animal. Yeah, yeah. Everything's disconnected. Your community, your worth. Yeah, it sucks. The things that keep you alive. It sucks dick. You know, so don't feel bad. And, like, I don't have agoraphobia shit at all, but, like, I find myself falling in this...

Once I figured out Uber Eats had like fucking groceries and shit. Oh, yeah. And I'd never been a deliver groceries guy. And then I was doing, I was working on something. I was splitting a house with the guy I was working on it with. And he started, he got his groceries delivered. And he was like, oh, yeah, we're doing the movie. He was fucking like, he was just like, oh, we don't have time to go to the grocery. I guess I'm going to order some groceries. And I was like.

I heard of the grocery apps. People were talking. Even during the pandemic, we were masking up and going to key foods around here, you know? And then I saw someone do it. And dude, I've been like literally, I got home from yesterday. JP's fucking taping. And I was like, I'm fucking stoned. I'm like, should I walk to the bodega or should I keep getting stoned? Keep watching. What the fuck was I watching? Something so stupid.

Some action movie, whatever. I don't even know. I think it was like a nameless... Oh yeah, it was just like a completely bullshit... It was Saban, the guy who made... The Israeli guy who made Power Rangers. He's still doing action movies and it was so bad. It was like a bodybuilder that couldn't speak English. I love that. Was immune to a... It was like clearly post-pandemic because it was like the virus is killing people. But you couldn't tell if he was pro. If it was like...

shitting on Fauci or if it was pro. It had no... Was Tyler Fisher in it? Anyway, whatever. I'm watching some horrible fucking action movie and I literally... Hey guys, I'm COVID! Oh my God, dude. I know. Dude, the people that think that's the... It's like...

Even if you're... At this point, it's like, I don't even care if you're transphobic. Stop being a hack. Just do one original joke. Well, I love when somebody who gets a little shine by something that they have no feelings about, so then they absorb that pathology. They're like, oh, yeah. They're trying to take away our drinking fountains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were in open mics at UCB a while ago. I know, dude. It's really sad. I remember just watching that shit happen where it's like, oh...

Fox News retweeted you and now all of a sudden you think like now he's in a movie with Ted Cruz and Ben Shapiro so things work out for everyone yeah and all he had to do was say it's hard to be white yeah all he had to do was soos yeah yeah yeah yeah

But yeah, I literally... I ordered a Reese's Take Five, a Blue Gatorade, and like a pint of vanilla ice cream. I mean, I think that that is like... And I get it. It's fucking so easy. It's nice to stay to four seasons. It's nice to do like private jet rich guy shit, but there's something so pure about a fucking bad action movie and getting your fucking junk food delivered. Oh, yeah. That...

That's better than Kings, dude. Like, if I could live my life with this or be fucking Henry VIII or whatever the fuck, I'm picking this for sure. You tell me you give up on killing your wife? Yeah. I'm sure that sounds pretty cool. That sounds pretty cool to you guys. I'm going to kill my wife if I meet a cooler one?

But so, yeah, I just think, like, this is very difficult for everyone, even if they don't have, like, some kind of issue that has developed, you know, later in life. Can you go, like, when the store is closing or maybe early in the morning? Yeah, yeah. That's when I go to Trader Joe's. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Everybody's at work. Totally. I mean, just give yourself small goals. That's the way to do it. Like...

I'm sober. Just do a day at a time type of thing. I'm supposed to do it for the rest of my life. So give yourself those little milestones that you can hit. And then eventually you'll just find yourself there. Yeah, absolutely. Go buy... Go get a little toilet paper today. You know what I mean? And then order wine. But like... In terms of like getting off the apps, I mean... Look. You just gotta... That's just how it works. It's the world we live in. There's no like...

There's no advice I can give you, especially when you're like, I know I could delete them, but I don't want to do that. So it's like, what are we going to tell you until you don't? You know what I mean? Like just small goals, get some of your stuff, you know, in person and kind of work your way up to it. It's like the way like marathon runners kind of like fucking do like a mile, then like four miles, whatever the fuck. She gets to the grocery store and it's just shooting. Yeah.

Well, today's finally the day. I'm going to go do Christmas shopping at the mall. I'm going to buy a Christmas goose. She's everywhere. The guy who bought the all-inclusive Skanks Fest pass. Big J wouldn't say hi to me.

I wanted to get jacked off by the trans girl that Joe DeRosa jacked off. They're hogging all the trans pussy. That's good. I saw Andy get that one while we were still talking and I was like, what's he got? That's a banger, Andy. Appreciate that. Anyway, there probably won't be a mass shooting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're good. The odds are, yeah, very low. The odds are very low. Just work on yourself. Fuck. And we believe in you. And, Koi, listen, call us back in a couple months. We'd love to keep tabs and make sure you're doing your shit. Oh, Big LD.

Play another one for us, player. Quick question for you. My buddy and I just got into it yesterday. I kind of called him out. I was just like, you know, because whenever he comes over, it's like he just wants to just show up on a note. And it's like, you need to give me a heads up. I've asked you, I've told you so many times. You need to tell me when you're 10 minutes away so I fucking know. And every fucking time, it's...

you know, he just, he just fucking shows up. And I, I lost it on him yesterday. And I, you know, I was just like, it's a, you don't fucking respect me. And then he came back at me and said that, um, he doesn't ask for people to change that. Cause he said that I, cause I told him I wouldn't do shit that pisses you off. So why the fuck do you do shit that pisses me off? And, um,

And then he's just like, no, you do shit that pisses me off. I just don't tell you because I don't expect you to, or I don't want you, something like that. And in my gut, I'm just like, I know that that's some fucking manipulative shit. Like, you know, like he's just trying to manipulate me because his whole thing is, is he just wants to be around because I can, you know, I fucking need, but heaven forbid he support him fucking self. What is going on?

So, like, I'm just wondering who's in the wrong here. Like, am I... Is it crazy of me to expect someone who I spend every... Almost every day with, you know? I talk to almost every day. Is it crazy to... For them to continue to disrespect you? Like, you know the stuff that hurts me. Why do you do it? And... Damn. The verb to hit me with, well...

I don't expect, I don't, I don't say anything cause I don't want you to, or, you know, I don't know. I, I feel like I, I think this is the definition of that. But I just, I don't know. Curious to know your opinion. All right. Thank you. This is like a Instagram, like self, like self wellness kind of like talk has made it over to like,

Gen Z dudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guys that should be fist fighting off Monster Energy drinks. Right, right, right. Or like, yeah, or like, you're fucking gaslighting me, bro. But it does sound like his friend is gaslighting him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if I'm understanding, because this guy, this is a raw call. Right, right, right. He's still so mad. But if I'm understanding it, essentially the whole argument here is

His friend who he sees pretty much every day sounds kind of like our relationship, right? Where his friend who he comes over every day, he's asked, hey, man, can you give me a 10-minute warning before you come to my house? And the guy won't do it. He refuses, won't do it, yeah. That's the whole... And then when he brought that up, when you try and draw your boundary... You only get this mad when someone's fucking with you. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I...

The thing is exactly, if he's this mad, it's not... It's just like, this guy's probably a dickhead. This other guy's probably a dickhead. Our friend who called in probably hasn't worked through the feelings of the fact that he doesn't like this guy. And this guy is a piece of shit. And he's probably a leech on his fucking life. And look...

Like, if you set a boundary and the guy's like, well, I don't like that boundary. I don't behave that way. Then you're like, that doesn't matter. Yeah. Either you fucking agree to behave the way I like or don't leave me the fuck alone. Yeah. And it's fucking stupid to be like... I understand that on some level you're like, well, should I ruin my friendship because the guy doesn't give me a 10-minute warning? And it's like...

Yeah, if it bothers you. If every day you see him, you're a little pissed off. He didn't hit you up beforehand, like...

Whatever his excuses sounds... I mean, you don't even understand what he's saying. He hasn't even been able to explain to it, but I'm gathering that he's just like, I don't expect people to change, so I don't change for anyone. It's essentially what it seems like his friend's saying, or at least what he's trying to say his friend's saying. That's crazy. That's fucking stupid. That doesn't matter. And look, maybe he can find people that behave the same way, but if you're the kind of guy who wants people to respect their fucking boundaries, then...

You know, fuck it. This is such a funny call because it's like this is the kind of fight that only dudes...

Get into? Yeah. Where it's like kind of unexplainable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just annoyed with your best friend. It's so much about a hundred other things. You can't articulate. Yeah. You can't articulate. They've picked the one thing that they can be like, dude, I told you to fucking do it to me. Like, tell me when you're coming. Yeah. I mean, Eldest at this point, I don't give a fuck. He can come and go over to my house as he pleases. I'll literally be like, hey man, today don't, like, just don't come. I'd like to live in an apartment and not in an office. So please don't waltz in whenever I might be getting my dick sucked. Yeah.

But that's one out of every 40 days. So, yeah. I don't know. This guy... This guy... It sounds like... And he also sounds pretty young. And it's like, look, man. This is the age when it's like... You start realizing some of your friends are dickheads. Yeah. Like, in your 20s, you shed a lot of people that you were friends with because you were just...

at the same playground. You know what I mean? Or you were roommates in college or whatever. A random computer assigned you this guy as a roommate and there was never an issue and then, well, one has happened and you're like, hey, wait, do I even like this guy? Yeah. Because most male friendship is just like, has there been a problem yet? No? Great, this is my friend. And then you're like, wait, why is there a problem? This is gay. Yeah.

I hate when somebody causes me problems. So, yeah, dude, I think you've just outgrown this guy or you're just not compatible and that's fine. I don't want people showing up at my house.

Definitely without a fucking warning. Yeah, do you even... We haven't even gotten into, do you want to hang out with him this much? It doesn't sound like it. Because I'll tell you this. Like I said, me and Eldis have that relationship where it's like he shows up and sometimes I'm annoyed, but I'll be like, hey, dickhead, you couldn't have fucking called me. We didn't have anything going on today. Why are you here? I'll just say it to him. You know what I mean? Or like he'll just... What, you got a piss? Yeah. It's bad. Great. Well, we were wrapping up this call. We...

God forbid you could have given me a warning and played the fucking next one. Now we just have to look at it, you fucking dumbass. Should I go pee then if he's peeing? Yeah, you can piss in that one. Do you want me to go over and hit the space bar? No, we'll probably fuck it up. Okay. All right, we'll take a second. You're like, you edit these things, right? Usually no, but whatever. Let's do this last one here and wrap up, boys. Go ahead, Eldunce. I like this one. Hey, it's Davi. How's it going? Uh...

Just a side note. I love hearing all you guys shit. Little tidbits of Balkan culture. I lived in Athens for a little while, like 15 years ago. Spent a month in Albania. Oh, wow. And I'm still that annoying fucking asshole who doesn't shut up about, uh,

these countries that I went to. A month in Albania 10 years ago. Jesus Christ. 15 years ago. That's rough. Anyway, my question is about therapy. What warlord took you across the border? You talk about being a pro-therapy podcast. I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to start doing it. I do have some stuff like anxiety and depression that I've dealt with for a long time. PTSD. Right now, I'm in a pretty good spot. I'm mostly interested in personal growth.

learn how to be a better partner, that kind of thing. I just don't know how to overcome feeling like just being super self-indulgent, going to a professional and saying like, oh, yeah, no, I don't have a medical diagnosis. I just want to chit chat. Nothing wrong with me over here. Probably is. Yeah. I don't know if you have any advice on that. Yeah.

get a backdoor thing going where I tell them that I'm really fucked up and then I say I just want to talk about dealing with women, improving myself, or, you know, how you go about that. Anyway, thanks for doing the podcast. You guys are great. Yeah, dude, you can go. You can go to fuck a thing. Go ahead, Mike. Well, this is tough because it's like I've, you know, the few times I went to Dr. Allen, I've,

I remember stuff from those sessions that I'll remember for the rest of my life. He's such a good therapist. Yeah. But choosing somebody out of the blue seems like it's really hard because you're just looking at headshots. Yeah, that is hard. It's really hard. Getting a therapist is hard for sure, and that's one thing I will say is like, yeah, I just got – I went through a couple therapists in Maryland, and then here I would go to Allen because I just –

could have a friend vouch for me and he worked on a sliding scale and I had no money. And now it feels like it's too long. I've been, I've been going to him and he knows my shit too much that I feel like I can't change anybody, but it'd be crazy to start over. But like, it isn't. So the one thing to keep in mind is it is a process like finding the right therapist. Yeah. And it's like, it's, but it's just like any other kind of doctor or whatever. It's like,

You know, hopefully they can figure it out. Because I've heard so many... Ask people you know. Yeah, ask people you know. Then go to therapy. You don't have to, like, teleport, grab, or whatever that, like, project that you're looking to therapy. Just say, like, oh, do you know anybody? Like, you could even do the bullshit where you're like, I know somebody who's, you know, my cousin's fucked up type of thing. Yeah. And so that's a whole other discussion. I think he's just talking about mentally, like, preparing himself to go to therapy. Basically, like, how he's got a block about, like...

oh, do I deserve to go to therapy? Oh, it's bull. Like, I don't have anything wrong with me. It's like, I always say like, you should go to therapy with like some specific goals here. And I think you're talking about wanting to be a better partner and dealing with women. So it's like, you're talking generally, but I'm, it sounds like you probably have some specific problems. Like what is it about dealing with figure out what they are? What is it? Yeah. What is it about being a specific partner that, that you think you're not doing well? You probably know. And, and,

I think that's totally fine, dude. Like, it's totally... Like, again, to use the, like, broken leg analogy, it's like, you go to the doctor, if your fucking leg's broken, you go if you fucking sprain... If you have a bad ankle sprain, too. You know what I mean? Like, you go... Like, if a fucking little cut gets infected, you still go see attention. Like, you don't have to have, like...

the mental health equivalent of a fucking... of, like, cancer to go to a doctor. Yeah. Just go get your shit figured out. And you... It also, like... The other thing is relationships are so fundamental to, like, who you are and, like, how you... You know, it's all kind of connected that you might dig some shit up and...

Maybe you don't want to dig that deep. Maybe you just want to help your dealings with your partner and just general improving of yourself. What does improving of yourself mean? For me, I remember going to a fucking therapist and being like, I just want to... When I was in my 20s, a big reason I wanted to go to therapy is I want to be able to just stand up for myself with my parents and not do the bullshit life. I literally quit comedy

when I was like 20 for a year because I was too guilty about doing it. And I was like, one of the first reasons I went to therapy was like, I think I want to do this. You showed them, huh? I did. I really did. I really did. Nobody remembers how against it they were. They're just... Yeah, of course. Now they're just happy to have the help. Of course. Fucking anyway. I love Stovson at the head of a table with his parents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so funny that you guys told me I shouldn't do this. Maybe you guys want to buy dinner. Yeah.

Your parents are chained to a big metal ball. So, yeah, dude. I mean, I just think you maybe think a little bit more about what exactly it is you want out of, you know, what do you want to improve, whatever. But it sounds like you have enough. I don't think, you know, no, you don't have to have all. It's not only people that are like, you know,

You have like I don't know Bipolar or whatever They have to go to therapy Or It's like You can definitely be like I want to improve my Like That was my first goals Like I want to be able to Stand up for myself And then it went from my parents To just in general Like I don't I want people out of my life That are like You know

Like, that fall into that same pattern as your parents. Then it works. And then slowly it became a little more general. And then I stopped until I felt like I needed to go back for other, when other shit started coming up. So I think you're good. Make sure he's in a good therapy neighborhood, your therapist. Make sure he's in, like, a good neighborhood for therapy. Yeah, yeah. Like, Upper West Side, good therapy neighborhood. Bushwick, you know, not so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your therapist has a fucking, like, a little bangs. Yeah.

Little bangs and like a mullet. Like you don't want that. And two roommates to do a podcast. So, yeah, I think you're good to go, dude. And then it's like, yeah, just be patient about finding a good therapist. And, you know, just you have these issues, you know what you want to work on. And it's great. I think that's great. And that's enough. You don't have to have you don't need to want to like completely overhaul your mental health to have to go to a therapist.

You got anything fun to take us out, Eldest? I'm glad our boy's getting into therapy, but what has he got, folks? He was a Seattle boy. He had a Seattle number. Is that their real number? Yeah, don't say, you know, we don't like to say. I'm not saying his number. Seattle's definitely a place for therapists. I'm a Seattle guy. I'm telling you. They got therapists. It's fucking dark for 300 days a year. You got plenty of therapy. Yeah, they definitely got some nice ones over there. All right, let's see what Eldest has here.

Hey Stav and Eldis, I'm calling again because I called just a minute ago and I fucked up Eldis' name immediately and I got embarrassed. So, anyways. So I recently got into grilling. You never have to say that, guys. You never have to let us know you're calling again. Just take another crack at it. I bought a cheap charcoal grill around $80. Not very good, but it gets the job done around April.

And I feel like I've advanced enough that it merits buying a better grill. And I was just wondering if you had any particular brands you like, kind of grill, anything kind of affordable you can recommend, tips and tricks, that kind of thing. I'm thinking I might get propane grill just because it's a little easier and I don't have to keep buying charcoal like

every three or four or whatever grills. Anyways, yeah, just grilling advice is what I'm looking for. Thanks, guys. Love the podcast. I listen to every single episode. Huge fan of Eldis also. I love whenever he gets in on any questions. So...

hoping to hear some of that. And also, please put this on the free show. You got lucky. It is on the free show, but I will not negotiate with you motherfuckers. That's so unfair. That's like such a perfect mic question. You got to have a call about being a closeted straight man. You got to have one of those next.

Mike, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that pound for pound, the Weber kettle is the best grill. Okay. There we go. It's like, I think it's like 129 is the basic model. Yeah. You can get the Weber premium. Look this up. I want to look at it, Elders. Now, okay. Is it chips or briquettes? Yeah, it's charcoal. It's charcoal. But the thing is, like, you can just do so much on it. You can get...

you can get the Vortex, the accessory. So that, yeah, so $139. That's the original one. The premium $219 is going to have a thermometer on it and the ash bucket. Oh, I love the ash bucket. That's kind of the upgrade. But you can always buy a thermometer after and just drill a hole in the top of the grill and put it in there. I can't believe I'm getting this question. This is amazing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and then, yeah, there's just so much you can do on it. You can sear. You can...

Let's Google the Weber Vortex. You can slow cook. You can smoke pork shoulder. You can do charcoal briquettes and make a snake, and then that'll just burn for 10 or 12 hours. The Vortex right there, you put that in the middle of the grill. You dump the coals in. It concentrates the heat. You can cook wings. You can...

around it and slow cook those or you can, you know, sear a steak or, or whatever. I really think it's like one of the best things you can do. It's hotter. The vortex gets the, the, the center, the center will be really hot, but the outside will be cooler. So you can cook like your chicken thighs or your wings or whatever. Like it's a little, got a little oven. So you are, so you're a good, you're totally against the propane. I'm not against the, I mean, propane is easy, but there's not as much you can do on it. And it just, I don't know. It's,

I think the price point goes up for it to be worth it. The price point goes up. And I don't know. You can get a charcoal chimney, too, for like $30. And you just pour your charcoal in, light the bottom, and your grill's ready to go in like 15, 20 minutes. Interesting. Because I love charcoal, right? Yeah, yeah. But you like your gas grill. I like a gas grill because it's like...

I'm grilling within five minutes. There's no setup. You turn a fucking knob, and it's just ready to go. But that extra 10 minutes, if you Google the charcoal chimney, I don't know. It's just so easy. Well, that one comes in a package. You get the Vortex, and you get the chimney, and the brush, and all that stuff. Yeah, yeah. For $341. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, interesting. And then you get the charcoal baskets, too. What about a smoker or anything like that? You into any of that stuff? It's cool, but you can't do as much. What are pellets exactly? I had a pellet grill for a little bit. They're so hard to fucking cook with. Yeah. It doesn't impart as much smoke flavor. And it just feels like you're using a microwave outside. You pour the pellets in. You push a button. It goes...

It's not like out there. You don't get the joy of it. Well, with this, it's like you're adjusting the vents. You're figuring out the temperature and everything. It's like, I don't know. It's great. See, but I do like that. I like that for almost a special occasion, though. Because if you're going to be a day-in, day-out griller, I don't want to feel like I'm really like...

You know, like I'm really having to adjust shit, you know. My dad has three grills. He's got a gas grill for the big high volume charcoal, this Weber master just for like, you know,

chill dinner steaks things like that and then he has the smoker for shit yeah i really am interested in a smoker honestly but you can smoke on the weber kettle yeah you can you can do the you can arrange the briquettes in like a in like a snake formation you light the middle of it and that'll burn for like you know 250 275 for like yeah for like almost like 10 hours yeah so you can do pork shoulder and i mean it's just it's just very satisfying to uh

Yeah, use, like, to cook with actual fire, in my opinion. But the gas grill is also, you know, it's very convenient. No, no, it definitely is. It's really the matter. Have you guys seen the episode of King of the Hill where Bobby has a charcoal burger for the first time? Yeah. And he's like, oh, my God. It's, like, so much. And then Peggy has, and him and Peggy are, like, they buy a little charcoal grill and they, like, go to parking lots away from the house. They start eating charcoal. And then eventually they're, like, we can never tell. And then Hank finds out and, like, you know, it's so fucking funny. Yeah.

And then they just have one final charcoal burger. Then they burn the grill, I believe. They actually set fire to the grill. Yeah. But... Yeah, it depends on what your budget is and, like, you know. But I think the Weber kettle pound for pound is the best. Love it. Yeah. That's great advice. And then I did... Fuck, I forget what mine is called. I'll just look up Weber propane grill. Because I believe mine's a Weber... It's like the spirit. The Weber spirit. Yeah, it's the spirit. Yeah. I like the spirit. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you're doing really good, get the big green egg. The big green egg is, yeah, if I could have anything. Is it? It's like two grand, but yeah. It's beautiful. It's ceramic. You can smoke in it. You can cook. Oh, shit. Yeah, that's nice. But that's like a, I mean, that's like there's no quick. That's a big purchase. That's not a quick grill. That's like a.

But like, I'm going to. Yeah. But those things get up to like 700 degrees. Yeah. But that takes you like an hour and a half. No, I don't think so. But I would imagine my guess would be like 20, 30 minutes. I'm not sure. Oh, 999. The big green egg is a charcoal grill. It's on sale. Yeah. It's kind of the most. I would say it's the highest. You put lump charcoal in the bottom. Highest reviewed, like kind of like American made. Yeah. Ceramic is the big deal. Yeah. Ceramic is better, huh?

Damn, this is making my dick hard. Well, it just retains heat. It just retains heat very well. Let me look at it. And it's like you don't really have to mess with it that much. You said it. Yeah. Good to go. Yeah. Scroll up. I want to look at that picture. I mean, people who have them love them. Are you guys fans of a public grill? Like, you ever go to, like, a state park? I would love to. That's fun. That shit's great. I love that. I used to do it in college. Like, they would have, like, the, like...

or like the apartment building would have it. There's some fucking volleyball courts. When I see Hispanic people like grilling and playing soccer in the park. It's awesome. Yeah, I'm like, we don't do this. We're like just killing our mother-in-laws. We don't get together. So there you have it, buddy. Look, we're both, it sounds like we're both Weber guys, whether you want to go spirit or you want to go, what was it? If you're grilling a lot, yeah, maybe go with the gas stove.

What's the name of your model? The Weber Kettle is the one that I like. So look, we're big grill guys around here. We respect it. Dude, that green egg is... It's nice. Maybe I have to get it from Baltimore. Yeah, I think you should. If you got a little backyard area, I don't know why you wouldn't. Yeah. Well, my friend as a housewarming gift got me a spirit. Oh, okay. Because he knew I had it here, but...

Wait, do you have... You don't have an alley, do you? Yeah, but you have that for your special occasions, you know? That's true. Because you got to be careful because people will steal the green eggs. Really? Yeah. They're a thousand dollar grill. Yeah. Yeah, but how do they lift it? They just come with a U-Haul? Yeah. I have a... They hire us. Yeah. Whatever, we'll talk about it off mic. Um...

Yeah, there you go, buddy. Good for you. Good on you becoming a grill champion. Yeah. I'm about to reconnect with my grilling. Yeah. Winter grilling sounds nice, actually. I love winter grilling, dude. Mm. Put a little coat on. Mm.

It doesn't get as hot, which is annoying if you really want to sear something. But if you want to slow cook something, it's actually easier. Yeah. But that is tough because I do really like to fuck my shit up on hot heat. Just having ribs on your charcoal grill that's at like 225 and you get to crack open a beer and just smell the barbecue cooking. I'm thinking about doing a pork shoulder for Christmas. Yeah. And doing that on charcoal sounds awesome. It's awesome. A nice slow roasted pork shoulder. You do your little...

snake, charcoal snake. Fuck. You put some wood chunk. You put some cherry and some, uh, hickory wood chunks on the, on the brick. Listen, maybe I get, I have a spirit. Maybe I, maybe I get both. Yeah. Get a charcoal, get it. I don't need the green egg. Let's be honest. It'd be nice, but get a little charcoal, get a kettle. Yeah. You ever do salmon on a cedar plank?

Salmon is just so good on the grill that I haven't felt like I needed to. The cedar plank is amazing. In fact, once this goes off, I like to broil my salmon. I have a broil recipe. I'm about to do that literally in three minutes. Salmon's amazing with some apple wood chunks or some pecan wood chunks. Smoked salmon does sound good. Smoked grilled salmon sounds good, but it's one of the easier... We've just stopped being entertaining. Where's his hat?

Anyway, I'm actually hungry. I do want to make salmon. Yeah. Uh, boys. Yeah. We'll also plug what you want to plug. We'll, we'll also, we can drop it earlier. We'll put it in the body of this stuff. Uh, see these, but follow these fellas, see them live. What do we, what do we got boys?

I'll be at the Chicago Laugh Factory February 18th. I love it. One night only. Come out. Trying to sell that motherfucker out. Go see Andy. Very funny.

If you live in Minneapolis, I'll be at the Sisyphus Brewing Company, January 26th and 27th. You can go to microscenecomedy.com for tickets. Great club. I would love to see you there. Go see the fellas. And check out my podcast, Out for Smokes. Hell yeah. Go check that shit out. See the boys live. They're very funny. And yeah, thanks guys. And we will see you next time. Bye-bye. Bye.